1 January 2013 | www.cpyu.org

January 2013

WALT MUELLER, CPYU President

THE CENTER FOR PARENT/ YOUTH UNDERSTANDING

Helping parents understand teenagers and their world

I once heard someone define a teenager as “an adult waiting to happen.” One reason why the adolescent years tend to be marked by parent/teen conflict is that teenagers believe they are adults who deserve and can handle total freedom, while parents might fail to recognize that their kids are growing up, resulting in never allowing them any measure of freedom. The precarious balancing act we need to perform as parents of teenagers is like holding a wet bar of soap. If you hold it too tightly it will shoot right out of your hands. If you hold it too loosely, it will fall out as well.

Establishing well thought-out boundaries is very important. Parents who maintain total control over their growing teens risk finding themselves with an angry and rebellious adolescent on their hands. Many rebellious teens I’ve met have grown up in overly strict Christian homes. On the other hand, parents who release all control at once may get a positive reaction from their kids. After all, our kids want freedom. But they usually want that freedom in doses they can’t yet handle. This approach is like putting our kids into a boat and pushing them out into the ocean without a rudder, sail, motor, paddle, or compass. They are left to the mercy of the environment and their own inexperience. . . and it’s a recipe for disaster.

We need to protect our teens from themselves and from others. They need to learn how to live a disciplined life. They need to learn how to set guidelines and make responsible choices for themselves. It is advisable to allow them to develop these skills by using the “going out to play” model.

When our children are little, we don’t allow them to wander around outside by themselves. Mom or Dad take them by the hand and keep a careful watch on them while they play. When we are sure that they know not to wander out into the street, we might let them play in the backyard by themselves. Of course, we spend much of our time checking out the window or opening the door to yell, “What are you doing? Are you OK?”

As our children continue to grow up, we begin to trust their judgment more and more. Soon they are able to cross the street without our assistance. They can walk to a neighbor’s house or play in a friend’s yard. Before long they take long bike rides into other neighborhoods. Even though we might worry about their safety, we trust their judgment because we have watched them make good choices on their own. We need to implement this “going out to play” model as we set and expand the boundaries of personal choice and responsibility. As our kids begin to earn our trust, we widen the boundaries further. My father constantly used to remind me that, in our house, “privileges come with responsibility.” As much as those four words used to get on my teenaged nerves, his approach was totally right.

Think about it: Read Ephesians 6:4. What does this passage say about setting boundaries for children and teens? How much is too little? How much is too much? How would you rate your efforts at setting boundaries? Do you need to make any

“boundary adjustments?”

Katy Perry, in an interview for Billboard Magazine after being named Billboard’s Woman of the Year, November 30, 2012

YOUTH CULTURE HOT QUOTE

For me, aspiring to be an artist at a young age, I didn’t think about being a role model. But I definitely thought about being an inspiration. So I hope that I am an inspiration, especially with my work ethic and my ability to overcome obstacles.

Boundaries for Teenagers

2 January 2013 | www.cpyu.org

QUICK STATS

INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR One of the most intriguing news stories from late last year involved the case of the Australian radio disc jockeys and their prank call to a London hospital to get information on the condition of Kate Middleton. The pair impersonated Queen Elizabeth and her son, Prince Charles, so effectively that two of the hospital’s nurses fell for the ruse and gave out information. The radio station then broadcast the call, creating international interest in the prank. Just a couple of days later, one of the nurses was found dead, leading people to believe that she had taken her own life due to the stress caused by what was intended to be an innocent joke. This sad story hammers home how careful we must be with our attempts at humor, an issue we must discuss with our kids as they are growing up in a world where humor that hurts others is seen as normal and benign. How can we glorify God with our humor? There is nothing wrong with humor, but we must teach our kids to employ humor that is self-deprecating, rather than using humor that tears others down.

70% of the millennial generation believe that technology has robbed us of our privacy and over a third say that

social networking has made them less

satisfied with their lives.(Euro RSCG Wordwide Poll)

At least 100,000 children across the

country are sexually trafficked each year.

(National Center for Missing and Exploited Children)

Grossing Movies at the Box Office

TO

P 10

2012

FROM THE NEWS:

1. Marvel’s The Avengers

2. The Dark Knight Rises

3. The Hunger Games

4. Skyfall

5. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

6. The Amazing Spider-Man

7. Brave

8. Ted

9. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

10. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

Finding Christian Community on Campus by Derek Melleby

3 January 2013 | www.cpyu.org

TRENDS:

HookahAnti-smoking efforts targeting children and teens have

typically focused on preventing the use and abuse of cigarettes. Now, experts are calling for efforts to reduce

the number of teens smoking flavored tobacco from Hookah pipes. It seems that the use of Hookah pipes

is on the rise, with 18.5% of twelfth grade students admitting to smoking a

hookah pipe during the previous year. One reason for the rise is that many teens think that smoking a hookah

is safer than smoking cigarettes. But smoking a hookah is dangerous and

there are serious health risks. Hookah smoke contains many of the same toxins

as cigarette tobacco and has been associated with lung cancer and other

types of respiratory illness. Of course, the best preventive effort we can put forth is taking the time to talk to our kids about

the dangers of smoking a hookah or any other type of implement. Remember, our

kids think they are invulnerable and immune to any short or long term risks or harm. Take the time to warn your

kids about hookah smoke.

LATEST RESEARCH:

SuicideOne of the ugliest words we can encounter is suicide. Many of us have had friends take their own lives. Many have looked into the

eyes of parents whose children took their own lives. We’ve all heard or read countless news stories about hopeless teenagers who found the darkness of a self-inflicted death to be better than the pain of their lives. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention now reports that almost 16% of our high-school aged teens have considered suicide, with half of those considering suicide making some attempt to take their own lives. Experts are now connecting the dots between these horrifying statistics and a technological culture that’s created more avenues for the kind of bullying that leads to hopelessness. We must always be watching for the signs of suicide. And

where we suspect that a student is struggling, we should ask them if they are considering suicide, and then get them Christ-centered help.

One of my favorite questions to ask college students is this: What was the best advice you were given before going to college? Here’s a response I received recently: “My youth pastor told me to be intentional about finding Christian community. He was so emphatic about it that I remember frantically walking around campus asking everyone I met if they knew about any Christian groups. One of the first people I talked to was a Christian and she’s one of my best friends today. Together we were able to find a group and get connected to a church.”This story reminds us that Christians need to intentionally seek out Christian community on campus. During the first few weeks of college, students are bombarded with different activities to fill their schedules. Many students are navigating these daily activities on their own for the first time. It’s easy to drop worship and “Bible study” from an already hectic schedule. Visit www.cpyu.org/collegegroups for more information to help students get connected before heading off to college.

TRENDALERT

CPYU’S

4 January 2013 | www.cpyu.org

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© 2012 All rights reserved. The CPYU Parent Page is published monthly by the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding, a nonprofit organization committed to building strong families by serving to bridge the cultural-generational gap between parents and teenagers.

Phone: (717) 361-8429 Fax: (717) 361-8964 email: cpyu@cpyu.org PO Box 414, Elizabethtown, PA 17022 | www.cpyu.org

PARENTING When Teens Stray: Parenting for the Long Haul grows out of the experiences of Scott Larson and his wife as they have taken scores of kids from juvenile jails into their homes. While Larson’s experience qualifies him to write to parents whose kids have gotten into trouble, this is a book that will benefit all parents of teens. Larson begins by painting a broad stroke by laying out common myths parents hold about their kids, along with common myths parents hold about parenting. What follows is a treasure of realistic, hope-filled and practical biblically based advice that helps parents to maintain proper perspective and sanity. This book is recommended to all parents, but others who work with kids will benefit as well. With a growing number of grandparents raising their grandchildren, When Teens Stray offers them encouragement and godly wisdom during what is a most difficult job. And, youth workers and teachers will find great insights into the dynamics that drive troubled youth.

FROM THE WORDLife is never easy. Because we live in a horribly broken world, difficulty and hardships come at us from every direction. Our children and teens face circum-stances that present them with challenges to their faith. As parents, the task of raising kids can be overwhelming at times.

The Apostle Paul knew what it was to encounter hardship as a follower of Jesus. In his letter to the Philippians, Paul says that he has learned to be content in any and every circumstance that life throws at him. Paul mentions being in need and having much. At times he was well fed. At other times, he was hungry. He has lived through periods of plenty and periods of want. His life was a roller-coaster ride. I’m sure all of us can identify.

But in spite of the ups and downs of life, Paul found abiding strength and contentment by living in union with Christ. God has promised His people that we will never find ourselves in any circumstance – no matter how dire it may seem – that will not include a divinely-provided way of escape. In reality, difficulty is a gift from God. It provides us with an opportunity to increase our dependence on Him as He pro-vides us with the grace, mercy, and wherewithal to weather the storms. Nothing and nobody else in life can or will do that for us!

“I Can do everything through him who

gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

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