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Acknowledgments
Iwouldliketogratefullythank:KayCannon,RichardDean,EricGurian,John
Riggi,andTracyWigfieldfortheireyesandears.DaveMinerformakingmedothis.ReaganArthurforteachingmehowtodothis.KatieMiervaldisforherdedicatedserviceandLatviandemeanor.TomCerauloforhismadcomputerskills.MichaelDonaghyfortwoyearsofSundays.
JeffandAliceRichmondfortheirconstantloving
encouragementandtheirconstantlovinginterruption,respectively.
ThankyoutoLorneMichaels,MarcGraboff,andNBCforallowingustoreprintmaterial.
Contents
FrontCoverImage
Welcome
Dedication
Introduction
OriginStory
GrowingUpandLikingIt
AllGirlsMustBeEverything
DelawareCountySummerShowtime!
That’sDonFey
ClimbingOldRagMountain
YoungMen’sChristianAssociation
TheWindyCity,FullofMeat
MyHoneymoon,orASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgainEitherTheSecretsofMommy’sBeauty
RemembrancesofBeingVeryVerySkinny
RemembrancesofBeingaLittleBitFat
AChildhoodDream,Realized
PeeinginJarswithBoys
IDon’tCareIfYouLikeIt
Amazing,Gorgeous,NotLikeThat
DearInternet
30Rock:AnExperimenttoConfuseYourGrandparents
Sarah,Oprah,andCaptainHook,orHowtoSucceedbySortofLookingLikeSomeoneThere’saDrunkMidgetinMyHouse
ACelebrity’sGuidetoCelebratingtheBirthofJesus
JuggleThis
TheMother’sPrayerforItsDaughter
WhatTurningFortyMeanstoMe
WhatShouldIDowithMyLastFiveMinutes?
Acknowledgments
Copyright
*Oritwouldbethebiggest
understatementsinceWarrenBuffettsaid,“Icanpayfordinnertonight.”OritwouldbethebiggestunderstatementsinceCharlieSheensaid,“I’mgonnahavefunthisweekend.”So,youhaveoptions.
*Improvwillnotreducebellyfat.
*IfyougetthisreferencetoDavidFosterWallace’s1997
collectionofessays,consideryourselfamemberoftheculturalelite.Whydoyouhateyourcountryandflagsomuch?!
*TheViennesedonotenjoyAmericansketchcomedy.
*ThisisapaidendorsementfromtheSauconyCorporation.
*IsayHarvard“Boys”
becausetheyarealmostalwaysmale—butnotexclusively;rockon,AmyOzols!—andbecausetheyareusuallyundertwenty-fiveandhaveneverdonephysicallaborwiththeirarmsorlegs.Ilovethemverymuch.
*WhenIaskedSteveHigginsifherememberedtheWeekendUpdatepissjarhesaid,“Yes,andbesureyoumentiontheboogerthathad
beenwipedonthewallandpaintedover.”SoI’mmentioningit.
*Istheresuchathingasanall-jerkworkplace?Yes.Iwouldflat-outavoidworkingwithWallStreettradersorthewomenwhorunthechangingroomsatFilene’sBasement.
*Nosethinned.Glassesmadelessawesome.Grimaceinverted.Digitalwigswap.
Teethadded.
Necklineartificiallylowered,nocleavagefound.Lawnchairremovedandsoldatyardsale.
*Notthe102ndmostpopulartelevisionshowofalltime.The102ndmostpopulartelevisionshowof2006.
*Actually,thatonlyhappenedtomeoncethatI
knowabout.AcoworkeratSNLdroppedanangryC-bombonmeandIhadtheweirdestreaction.Tomysurprise,Iblurted,“No.Youdon’tgettocallmethat.Myparentsloveme;I’mnotsomeAdultChildofanAlcoholicthat’sgoingtotakethatshit.”
Anditneverhappenedagain…thatIknowof.
*Althoughgoodnewsgivesmeangina,Iamimpervioustobadnews.IshouldbeinoneofthoseOliverSacksbooks,becausesurelyIhavearareheadinjury.
*ThisisnotsomethingIwouldnormallydo,butIwantedeverythingtobeperfectforMissOprah.JonHamm,ifyoucomeback,Iwillnotbepre-inspectingyourtoilet.Imayinspectit
afterwardtomakesureyoudidn’tstealanything.
*SeeifyoucanguesswhatIchangedhisnametointhatchapter.
*Itwasn’tthelasttime,apparently.Also,Iamavailableforpartiesandcorporateevents.
*Exceptforseveralverysatisfyingwork-related
things.
*ApparentlyMargaretThatcherisaliveandsaysofcourseshewouldhavetoldthenannydirectlyabouttheproblemandshethinksIamacompletechickenshit.
*Iknowit’sbullshitthatIsay“babysitter”insteadofnanny.WhatIhaveisafull-timenanny,andIshouldberoundlypunishedfortryingto
makeitseemliketheteenagernextdoorcomesoveronenightaweek.ButIdon’tliketheword“nanny.”Itgivesmeclassanxietyandraceanxiety.AndthatiswhyIwillhenceforthrefertoournannyasourCoordinatorofToddlery.
*Thesemomentsinclude:cleaningpoopoutofaone-piecebathingsuit,gettingkickedinthetitsbysomeone
whodoesn’twanttoputonhershoes,DoratheExplorer.
Copyright
Copyright©2011byLittleStranger,Inc.
Allrightsreserved.ExceptaspermittedundertheU.S.CopyrightActof1976,nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyformorby
anymeans,orstoredinadatabaseorretrievalsystem,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.
ReaganArthurBooks/Little,BrownandCompany
HachetteBookGroup
237ParkAvenue
NewYork,NY10017
Visitourwebsiteatwww.HachetteBookGroup.com
www.twitter.com/littlebrown
FirsteBookEdition:April2011
ReaganArthurBooksisanimprintofLittle,BrownandCompany,adivisionofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.TheReaganArthurBooksnameandlogoaretrademarks
ofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.
Thepublisherisnotresponsibleforwebsites(ortheircontent)thatarenotownedbythepublisher.
Portionsofthisbookhaveappeared,inslightlydifferentform,inTheNewYorker(“WhatShouldIDowithMyLastFiveMinutes?,”“AChildhoodDream,Realized,”“PeeinginJarswithBoys,”
and“IDon’tCareIfYouLikeIt”).
Theauthorisgratefulforpermissiontousematerialfromthefollowing:Scriptexcerptsandphotographsfrom30RockcourtesyofNBCUniversal.30Rock©2011NBCStudios,Inc.and™
RockefellerGroup,Inc.AllRightsReserved.Script
excerptsandphotographsfromSaturdayNightLivecourtesyofBroadwayVideoEnterprisesandNBCStudios,Inc.©2011NBCStudios,Inc.DistributedbyBroadwayVideoEnterprises.
PhotographyCredits:pages6(top)and160(left)©2008/MaryEllenMatthews/NBC;pages6
(bottom)and229,Alethea
McElroy;page159,RamonaRosales,courtesyofBUSTMagazine;page160
(right),Ferguson&KatzmanPhotography/HaloImages;pages178and191from30RockcourtesyofNBCUniversal;page199(left)©2010/DanaEdelson/NBC;page199(middleandright)©2005/DanaEdelson/NBC;pages208,218,220,and226
©2008/DanaEdelson/NBC;page233,JakeChessum/Time
&LifePictures/GettyImages.
ISBN:978-0-3161-7586-9
TableofContents
CopyrightPage
ForJeanneFey:
HappyMother’sDay.Imadethisoutofmacaroniforyou.
IntroductionWelcomeFriend,
CongratulationsonyourpurchaseofthisAmerican-madegenuinebook.Eachcomponentofthisbookwasselectedtoprovideyouwithmaximumbookperformance,whateveryourreadingneedsmaybe.
Ifyouareawomanandyouboughtthisbookforpracticaltipsonhowtomakeitinamale-dominatedworkplace,heretheyare.Nopigtails,notubetops.Crysparingly.(Somepeoplesay
“Neverletthemseeyoucry.”Isay,ifyou’resomadyoucouldjustcry,thencry.Itterrifieseveryone.)Whenchoosingsexualpartners,remember:Talentisnot
sexuallytransmittable.Also,don’teatdietfoodsinmeetings.
Perhapsyou’reaparentandyouboughtthisbooktolearnhowtoraiseanachievement-oriented,drug-free,adultvirgin.You’llfindthat,too.Theessentialingredients,Icantellyouupfront,areastrongfatherfigure,badskin,andachild-sizedcolonial-ladyoutfit.
MaybeyouboughtthisbookbecauseyouloveSarahPalinandyouwanttofindreasonstohateme.We’vegotthat!Iuseallkindsofelitistwordslike“impervious”and“torpor,”andIthinkgaypeoplearejustasgoodatwatchingtheirkidsplayhockeyasstraightpeople.
Maybeit’sseventyyearsinthefutureandyoufoundthisbookinastackofjunkbeing
usedtoblocktheentranceofanabandonedStarbucksthatisnowafeedingstationforthealienmilitia.Ifthat’sthecase,Ihavesomequestionsforyou.Suchas:“Didwereallyruintheenvironmentasmuchaswethought?”and“IsGleestillathing?”
Ifyou’relookingfora
spiritualallegoryinthestyleofC.S.Lewis,IguessyoucouldpiecesomethingtogetherwithLorneMichaelsasasymbolforGodandmystruggleswithhairremovalasametaphorforvirtue.
Orperhapsyoujustboughtthisbooktolaughandbeentertained.Foryou,Ihaveincludedthisjoke:“Twopeanutswerewalkingdownthestreet,andonewasa
salted.”Yousee,Iwantyoutogetyourmoney’sworth.
AnyonewhoknowsmewilltellyouthatIamallaboutmoney.Imean,justlookhowwellmylineofzodiac-inspiredtoeringsandhomeopathicchildren’smedicationsaresellingonHomeShoppingNetwork.BecauseIamnothingifnotanamazingbusinesswoman,Iresearchedwhatkindof
contentmakesforbestsellingbooks.Itturnsouttheansweris“one-nightstands,”drugaddictions,andrecipes.
Here,weareoutofluck.ButIcanofferyouluridtalesofanxietyandcowardice.
WhyisthisbookcalledBossypants?One,becausethenameTwoandaHalfMenwasalreadytaken.Andtwo,becauseeversinceIbecame
anexecutiveproducerof30Rock,peoplehaveaskedme,
“Isithardforyou,beingtheboss?”and“Isituncomfortableforyoutobethepersonincharge?”Youknow,inthatsamewaytheysay,“Gosh,Mr.Trump,isitawkwardforyoutobethebossofallthesepeople?”Ican’tanswerforMr.Trump,butinmycaseitisnot.I’velearnedalotoverthepastten
yearsaboutwhatitmeanstobethebossofpeople.Inmostcasesbeingagoodbossmeanshiringtalentedpeopleandthengettingoutoftheirway.Inothercases,togetthebestworkoutofpeopleyoumayhavetopretendyouarenottheirbossandletthemtreatsomeoneelseliketheboss,andthenthatpersonwhisperstoyoubehindafakewallandyoutellthemwhattotellthefirstperson.
ContrarytowhatIbelievedasalittlegirl,beingthebossalmostneverinvolvesmarchingaround,wavingyourarms,andchanting,“Iamtheboss!Iamtheboss!”
Formethisbookhasbeenasimpletaskofretracingmystepstofigureoutwhatfactorscontributedtothisperson…
developingintothisperson…
whosecretlypreferstobethisperson.
Ihopeyouenjoyitsomuchthatyoualsobuyacopyforyoursister-in-law.
TinaFey
NewYorkCity,2011
(It’ssohardtobelieveit’s2011already.I’mstillwriting“TinaFey,grade4,room
207”onallmychecks!)
OriginStory
MybrotheriseightyearsolderthanIam.Iwasabigsurprise.Awonderfulsurprise,mymomwouldbequicktotellyou.Althoughhavingababyatfortyisacommonplacefool’serrandthesedays,backin1970itwasprettyunheard-of.Womenaroundmymom’s
officereferredtoherpregnancyas
“Mrs.Feyandherchange-of-lifebaby.”WhenIwasbornIwasfussedoveranddotedon,andmybrotherhasalwayslookedoutformelikeathirdparent.
ThedaybeforeIstartedkindergarten,myparentstookmetotheschooltomeettheteacher.
Mymomhadtakenmyfavoriteblanketandstitchedmyinitialsintoitfornaptime,justlikeshe’ddoneformybrothereightyearsearlier.Attheteacherconferencemydadtriedtogivemynaptimeblankettotheteacher,andshejustsmiledandsaid,“Oh,wedon’tdothatanymore.”That’swhenIrealizedIhadoldparents.I’vebeenworriedaboutthemeversince.
Whilemyparentstalkedtotheteacher,Iwassenttoatabletodocoloring.IwasintroducedtoaGreekboynamedAlexwhosemomwasnextinlinetomeetwiththeteacher.Wecoloredtogetherinsilence.IwassousedtobeingpraisedandencouragedthatwhenIfinishedmydrawingIheldituptoshowAlex,whoimmediatelyrippeditinhalf.Ididn’thavethelanguagetoexpressmy
feelingsthen,butmythoughtsweresomethinglike“Oh,it’slikethat,motherfucker?Gotit.”Mrs.Fey’schange-of-lifebabyhadenteredtherealworld.
Duringthespringsemesterofkindergarten,Iwasslashedinthefacebyastrangerinthealleybehindmyhouse.Don’tworry.I’mnotgoingtolayoutthegrislydetailsforyoulikeasweepsepisodeof
Dateline.IonlybringituptoexplainwhyI’mnotgoingtotalkaboutit.
I’vealwaysbeenabletotellalotaboutpeoplebywhethertheyaskmeaboutmyscar.Mostpeopleneverask,butifitcomesupnaturallysomehowandIofferupthestory,theyarequiteinterested.Somepeoplearejustdumb:“Didacatscratchyou?”Godbless.Thosesweet
dumdumsInevermind.Sometimesitisafunsociologylitmustest,likewhenmyfriendRickyaskedme,“Didtheyevercatchtheblackguythatdidthattoyou?”Hmmm.Itwasnotablackguy,Ricky,andIneversaiditwas.
Thenthere’sanothersortofpersonwhothinksitmakesthemseembraveorsensitiveorwonderfullydirecttoask
meaboutitrightaway.Theyaskwithquiet,feignedempathy,“Howdidyougetyourscar?”Thegrossestmoveiswhentheysaythey’reonlycuriousbecause“it’ssobeautiful.”Ugh.
Disgusting.Theymightaswellwalkupandsay,“MayIbeamazingatyou?”Tothesefolksletmebeclear.I’mnotinterestedinactingoutaTVmoviewithyouwhereyou
befriendagirlwithascar.AnOscar-ySpielbergmoviewhereIplayameanGermanwithascar?Yes.
Mywholelife,peoplewhoaskaboutmyscarwithinoneweekofknowingmehaveinvariablyturnedouttobeegomaniacsofaverageintelligenceorless.AndegomaniacsofaverageintelligenceorlessoftenendupinthefieldofTV
journalism.So,yousee,ifItellthewholestoryhere,thenIwillbe
askedaboutitoverandover
bythehostsofAccessMovietownandEntertainmentForeverfortherestofmyshort-livedcareer.
ButIwilltellyouthis:Myscarwasaminiatureformofcelebrity.KidsknewwhoIwasbecauseofit.Lotsofpeoplelikedtoclaimtheyweretherewhenithappened.Iwasthere.Isawit.CrazyMikedidit!
Adultswerekindtomebecauseofit.AuntsandfamilyfriendsgavemeEastercandyandoversizeHershey’sKisseslongafterIwastoooldforpresents.Iwasmadetofeelspecial.
Whatshouldhaveshutmedownandmademefeel“lessthan”endedupgivingmeaninflatedsenseofself.Itwasn’tuntilyearslater,maybenotuntilIwaswriting
thisbook,thatIrealizedpeopleweren’tmakingafussovermebecauseIwassomeincrediblebeautyorgenius;theyweremakingafussovermetocompensateformybeingslashed.
IacceptedalltheattentionatfacevalueandproceededthroughlifeasifIreallywereextraordinary.IguesswhatI’msayingis,thishasallbeenawonderful
misunderstanding.AndIshallkeeptheseGoldenGlobes,everylastone!
GrowingUpandLikingIt
AttenIaskedmymotherifIcouldstartshavingmylegs.Mydarkshinfurwashardtoignoreinshortsweather,especiallysincemybestfriendMaureenwasapaleIrishlasswhoprobablydoesn’thaveanyleghairto
thisday.MymomsaiditwastoosoonandthatIwouldregretit.Butshemusthavelookedatmyincreasinglyhairyandsweatyframeandknownthatsomethingwasbrewing.
Afewmonthslater,shegavemeaboxfromtheModesscompany.Itwasa“myfirstperiod”kitandinsideweresamplesofpadsandpantylinersandtwopamphlets.
Onewiththevaguelythreateningtitle“GrowingUpandLikingIt”andonecalled“HowShallITellMyDaughter?”I’mprettysureshewas
supposedtoreadthatoneandthentalktomeaboutit,butshejustgavemethewholeboxandslippedoutoftheroom.
“GrowingUpandLikingIt”wasafakecorrespondencebetweenthreeyoungfriends.Throughtheirspunkyinterchange,allmyquestionsandfearsaboutmenstruationwouldbeanswered.
“HowShallITellMyDaughter?”
AsInauseouslyperused“HowShallITellMyDaughter?”Istartedtosuspectthatmymomhadnotactuallyreadthepamphletbeforehandingitofftome.Hereisarealquotefromtheactual1981
edition:
Abook,ateacherorafriendmayprovideherwithsomeofthefactsaboutthemenstrualcycle.
Butonlyyou—thepersonwhohasbeenteachingheraboutlifeandgrowingupsinceshewasaninfant—canbestprovidethewarmguidanceandunderstandingthatisvital.
Wellplayed,JeanneFey,well
played.
Theexplanatorytextwasfollowedbyalotofdrawingsofthehumanreproductivesystemthatmybrainrefusedtomemorize.(Tothisday,allIknowistherearebetweentwoandfouropeningsdownthereandthatthesetupinsidelooksvaguelyliketheTexasLonghornslogo.)Ishovedtheboxinmycloset,whereithauntedmedaily.There
mightaswellhavebeenaguydressedlikeFreddyKruegerintherefortheamountofanxietyitgaveme.EverytimeIreachedintheclosettograbaSundayschooldressormycolonial-ladyHalloweencostumethatIsometimesrelaxedinafterschool—“Modesssss,”ithissedatme.“Modesssssiscomingforyou.”
Then,ithappened.Inthe
springof1981IachievedmenarchewhilesingingNeilDiamond’s
“SongSungBlue”atadistrictwidechorusconcert.Iwastenyearsold.Ihadnoticedsomethingwasweirdearlierintheday,butIknewfromcommercialsthatone’smenstrualperiodwasablueliquidthatyoupouredlikelaundrydetergentontomaxipadstotesttheirabsorbency.
Thiswasn’tblue,so…Iignoreditforafewhours.
WhenwegothomeIpulledmymomasidetoaskherifitwasweirdthatIwasbleedinginmyunderpants.Shewasverysympatheticbutalsoalittlebaffled.Hereyessaid,“Dummy,didn’tyouread
‘HowShallITellMyDaughter?’”Ihadreadit,butnowhereinthepamphletdid
anyonesaythatyourperiodwasNOTablueliquid.
Atthatmoment,twothingsbecamecleartome.Iwasnowtechnicallyawoman,andIwouldneverbeadoctor.
WhenDidYouFirstKnowYouWereaWoman?
WhenIwaswritingthe
movieMeanGirls—whichhopefullyisplayingonTBSrightnow!—IwenttoaworkshoptaughtbyRosalindWisemanaspartofmyresearch.RosalindwrotethenonfictionbookQueenBeesandWannabesthatMeanGirlswasbasedon,andsheconductedalotofself-esteemandbullyingworkshopswithwomenandgirlsaroundthecountry.Shedidthisparticularexerciseinahotel
ballroominWashington,DC,withabouttwohundredgrownwomen,askingthemtowritedownthemomenttheyfirst“knewtheywereawoman.”Meaning,“Whendidyoufirstfeellikeagrownwomanandnotagirl?”Wewrotedownouranswersandsharedthem,firstinpairs,theninlargergroups.Thegroupofwomenwasraciallyandeconomicallydiverse,buttheanswershadavery
similartheme.
Almosteveryonefirstrealizedtheywerebecomingagrownwomanwhensomedudedidsomethingnastytothem.“Iwaswalkinghomefromballetandaguyinacaryelled,‘Lickme!’”“Iwasbabysittingmyyoungercousinswhenaguydrovebyandyelled,‘Niceass.’”Therewereprettymuchzeroexampleslike“IfirstknewI
wasawomanwhenmymotherandfathertookmeouttodinnertocelebratemysuccessonthedebateteam.”Itwasmostlymenyellingshitfromcars.Aretheyapatrolsentouttoletgirlsknowthey’vecrossedintopuberty?Ifso,it’sworking.
Iexperiencedcarcreeperyatthirteen.IwaswalkinghomefrommiddleschoolpastaplacecalledtheWorld’s
LargestAquarium—which,legally,Idon’tknowhowtheycouldcallitthat,becauseitwasobviouslyanaverage-sizedaquarium.MaybeIshouldstartreferringtomyselfastheWorld’sTallestManandseehowthatgoes?Anyway,IwaswalkinghomealonefromschoolandIwaswearingadress.
Adudedrovebyandyelled,“Nicetits.”Embarrassedand
enraged,Iscreamedafterhim,“Suckmydick.”
Sure,itdidn’tmakeanysense,butatleastIdidn’tholdinmyanger.
Thankfully,blessedly,yelling“Suckmydick”isnotthemomentIreallyassociatewithenteringwomanhood.Forme,itwaswhenIboughtthiskickasswhitedenimsuitattheSpringfieldmall.
IboughtitwithmyownmoneyundertheadvisementofmycoolfriendSandee.IworeittoSeniorAwardsNight1988,whereitblewpeople’smindsasIacceptedtheSundaySchoolScholarship.
Thatturned-upcollar.Thejacketthatzippedallthewaydownthefrontintoanicefittedshape.Thewhitedenimthatmademyuntannedskin
looklikeacolor.JustonceI’dliketofindanOscarsorEmmysdressasradasthissuit.
SuburbanGirlSeeksUrbanHealthCare
Itmayhavebeenamistaketohavemyfirst-evergynecologyappointmentinaPlannedParenthoodonthenorthsideofChicago.Iwastwenty-threeandhonestly,
therewasnoneed.Mywholesetupwasstillfactory-new.ButIhadneverbeenandIhadsomeinsurance,sowhynotbeproactiveaboutmyhealthliketheeducatedyoungfeministIwas?Islippedonmypumpkin-coloredswingcoatwiththeSojournerTruthbuttononitandheadedtotheirgrimlocationinRogersPark.Allthewindowswerecovered,andyouhadtobebuzzedin
throughtwodifferentdoors.Thisplacewasnotkiddingaround.
IsatamongtheAIDSposters,proudlyreadingToniMorrison’sJazz.MaybelaterIwouldtreatmyselftosweetpotatofriesattheHeartlandCafé!
Iwastakentoanexaminingroomwhereabigbutchnursepractitionercameinand
askedmeifIwaspregnant.“Noway!”WasIsexuallyactive?“Nope!”HadIeverbeenmolested?“Well,”Isaid,tryingtomakeajoke,“Oprahsaystheonlyanswerstothatquestionare‘Yes’and‘Idon’tremember.’”Ilaughed.Wewerehavingfun.Thenurselookedatme,concerned/annoyed.“Haveyoueverbeenmolested?”“Oh.No.”Thenshetookoutaspeculumthesizeofamilk
shakemachine.EvenMichelleDuggarwouldhaveflinchedatthisthing,butIhadneverseenonebefore.“What’sthatdevicef—?”
BeforeIcouldfinish,thenurseinsertedthemilkshakemachinetothehilt,andIfainted.Iwasawakenedbyasharpsmell.Anassistanthadbeencalledin,I’msureforlegalreasons,andwaswavingsmellingsaltsunder
mynose.AsI“cameto,”thenursesaid,“Youhaveashortvagina.IthinkIhityouinthecervix.”AndthenIfaintedagaineventhoughnoonewaseventouchingme.Ijustwentoutlikeshehadhitaresetbutton.I’msurprisedIdidn’twakeupspeakingSpanishlikeBuzzLightyear.WhenIwokeupthesecondtime,thenursewasopenlyirritatedwithme.DidIhavesomeonewhocouldcomeandpickme
up?“Nope!”“You’regoingtohavetomakeanotherappointment.Icouldn’tfinishthePapsmear.”“WHYDIDN’TYOUFINISHITWHILEIWASOUT?”Iyelled.Apparentlyit’sagainstthelaw.ThensheaskedifIcouldhurryupandgetoutbecausesheneededtoperformanabortiononWillonafromGoodTimes.
AllGirlsMustBe
Everything
WhenIwasthirteenIspentaweekendatthebeachinWildwood,NewJersey,withmyteenagecousinsJanetandLori.Inthespaceofthirty-sixhours,theytaughtmeeverythingIknowaboutwomanhood.Theyknewhowto“layout”inthesunwearingtanningoilinsteadofsunscreen.Theytaughtmethatyoucouldmakeareverse
tattooinyourtanifyoucutashapeoutofaBand-Aidandstuckitonyourleg.TheytaughtmeyoucouldlistentoGeneralHospitalontheradioifyouturnedtheFMdialwaydowntothebottom.
Wildwoodisahugewidebeach—thedistancefromyourtoweltothewaterwasoftenequaltothedistancefromyourmoteltoyourtowel.And“backintheday”
theplacewaspackedexclusivelywithvery,verytanItalianAmericansandvery,veryburnedIrishAmericans.Asalittlekid,Ialmostalwaysgotseparatedfrommyparentsandwouldpanictryingtofindthemamongdozensanddozensofsimilarumbrellas.
OneafternoonagirlwalkedbyinabikiniandmycousinJanetscoffed,“Lookatthe
hipsonher.”
Ipanicked.Whataboutthehips?Weretheytoobig?Toosmall?Whatweremyhips?Ididn’tknowhipscouldbeaproblem.Ithoughttherewasjustfatorskinny.
ThiswashowIfoundoutthatthereareaninfinitenumberofthingsthatcanbe“incorrect”onawoman’sbody.Atanygivenmoment
onplanetEarth,awomanisbuyingaproducttocorrectoneofthefollowing“deficiencies”:
bigpores
oilyT-zone
cankles
fivehead
lunchladyarms
nipplestoobig
nipplestoosmall
breaststoobig
breaststoosmall
onebreastbiggerthantheother
onebreastsmallerthantheother(Howarethosetwodifferentthings?Idon’t
know.)nasallabialfolds
“noarchinmyeyebrows!”
FUPA(adelightfullycrudeacronymforaprotrudinglowerbelly)muffintop
spiderveins
saddlebags
crotchbiscuits(that’swhatIcallthewobblytriangleson
one’sinnerthighs)thinlashes
bonyknees
lowhairline
calvestoobig
“nocalves!”
“greenundertonesinmyskin”
andmypersonalfavorite,
“badnailbeds”
Inhindsight,I’mprettysureJanetmeantthegirl’shipsweretoowide.Thiswasthelateseventies,andtheseventieswereasmall-eyed,thin-lippedblondwoman’sparadise.IrememberwatchingThree’sCompanyasalittlebrown-hairedkidthinking,“Really?Thisiswhatweget?JoyceDeWittisourbrunetrepresentative?
She’sgotthatgreasy-lookingbowlcutandtheymakeherwearsuntanpantyhoseunderherfootballjerseynightshirt.”Imayhaveonlybeensevenoreight,butIknewthatthissucked.Thestandardofbeautywasset.CherylTiegs,FarrahFawcett,ChristieBrinkley.Smalleyes,toothysmile,boobies,nobuttocks,yellowhair.
Let’stalkaboutthehair.Why
doIcallit“yellow”hairandnot“blond”hair?BecauseI’mprettysureeverybodycallsmyhair“brown.”WhenIreadfairytalestomydaughterIalwayschangetheword
“blond”to“yellow,”becauseIdon’twanthertothinkthatblondhairissomehowbetter.
Mydaughterhasareversibledoll:SleepingBeautyonone
sideandSnowWhiteontheother.IwouldalwayssetitonherbedwiththeSnowWhitesideoutandshewouldtoddleuptoitandfliptheskirtovertoSleepingBeauty.Iwouldflipitbackandsay,“SnowWhiteissopretty.”Shewouldyell,
“No!”andflipitback.IdidthisexperimentsofrequentlyandconsistentlythatIshouldhaveappliedforgovernment
funding.Theresultwasalwaysthesame.WhenIaskedherwhyshedidn’tlikeSnowWhite,shetoldme,“Idon’tlikeherhair.”Noteventhreeyearsold,sheknewthatyellowhairisking.And,let’sadmitit,yellowhairdoeshavemagicpowers.Youcouldputablondwigonahot-waterheaterandsomedudewouldtrytofuckit.SnowWhiteisbetterlooking.Ihatetostiruptrouble
amongtheprincesses,buttakeawaythehairandSleepingBeautyisactuallyalittlebeat.
Sure,whenIwasakid,therewerebeautifulbrunettestobefound—LindaRonstadt,JaclynSmith,thelittleSpanishsingeronTheLawrenceWelkShow—buttheywereregardedasafun,exoticalternative.FarrahwasvanillaandJaclynSmithwas
chocolate.CanyourememberatimewhenpopculturewassowhitethatJaclynSmithwasthechocolate?!Bytheeighties,westartedtoseesomerealchocolate:HalleBerryandNaomiCampbell.“Downtown”JulieBrownandTyraBanks.ButIthinkthefirstrealchangeinwomen’sbodyimagecamewhenJLoturneditbutt-style.Thatwasthefirsttimethathavingalarge-scalesituation
inthebackwaspartofmainstreamAmericanbeauty.Girlswantedbuttsnow.Menwerefreetoadmitthattheyhadalwaysenjoyedthem.Andthen,whatfeltlikemomentslater,boom—Beyoncébroughtthelegmeat.Abackporchandthickmuscularlegswerenowwidelyadmired.Andfromthatdayforward,womenembracedtheirdiversityandrealizedthatallshapesand
sizesarebeautiful.Ahhaha.No.I’mtotallymessingwithyou.AllBeyoncéandJLohavedoneisaddtothelaundrylistofattributeswomenmusthavetoqualifyasbeautiful.Noweverygirlisexpectedtohave:
Caucasianblueeyes
fullSpanishlips
aclassicbuttonnose
hairlessAsianskinwithaCaliforniatan
aJamaicandancehallass
longSwedishlegs
smallJapanesefeet
theabsofalesbiangymowner
thehipsofanine-year-oldboy
thearmsofMichelleObama
anddolltits
ThepersonclosesttoactuallyachievingthislookisKimKardashian,who,asweknow,wasmadebyRussianscientiststosabotageourathletes.Everyoneelseisstruggling.
EventheYellowhairswhowereonceontopcannowbe
foundsquattingtoaRihannasonginaclasscalledGary’sGlutesCampinanattempttoreverse-engineerabutt.Thesearedarktimes.BackinmyWildwooddayswithJanet,youwereeitherblessedwithabeautifulbodyornot.Andifyouwerenot,youcouldjustchilloutandlearnatrade.Nowifyou’renot“hot,”youareexpectedtoworkonituntilyouare.It’slikewhenyourenovatea
houseandyou’relegallyrequiredtoleavejustoneoftheoriginalwallsstanding.Ifyoudon’thaveagoodbody,you’dbetterstarvethebodyyouhavedowntoaneutralshape,thenboltonsomebreastimplants,replaceyourteeth,dyeyourskinorange,injectyourlips,sewonsomehair,andcallyourselfthePlaymateoftheYear.
Howdowesurvivethis?
Howdoweteachourdaughtersandourgaysonsthattheyaregoodenoughthewaytheyare?Wehavetoleadbyexample.Insteadoftryingtofitanimpossibleideal,ItookapersonalinventoryofallmyhealthybodypartsforwhichIamgrateful:StraightGreekeyebrows.Theystartatthehairlineatmytempleand,leftunchecked,willgrowstraightacrossmyfaceandonto
yours.
Aheart-shapedass.Unfortunately,it’saright-side-upheart;thepointisatthebottom.
DroopybrowneyesdesignedtoconfusepredatorsintothinkingI’mjustonthevergeofsleepandtheyshouldcomebacktomorrowtoeatme.
Permanentlyroundedshouldersfromyearsofworkingatacomputer.
Aroundedbellythatispushedoutbymyroundedposturenomatterhowmanysit-upsIdo.
Whichismostlynone.
Asmallhighwaist.
Awadoflower-backfatthat
neverwentawayafterIlostmy“babyweight.”Onedayinthenexttenyears,thisbackrollwillmeetupwithmyfrontpouch,foreverobscuringmysmallhighwaist,andIwillofficiallybemymother.
Wide-setknockersthataren’tsobigbutcanbehoisteduponceortwiceayearforparades.
GoodstronglegswithbiggymteachercalvesthatIgotfromwalkingpigeon-toedmywholelife.
WideGermanhipsthatlooklikesomebodywrappedPillsburydougharoundacaseofsoda.
Myfather’sfeet.Flat.Bony.Pale.Idon’tknowhowheevengetsaround,becausehisfeetareinmyshoes.
Iwouldnottradeanyofthesefeaturesforanybodyelse’s.Iwouldn’ttradethesmallthin-lippedmouththatmakesmeresemblemynephew.Iwouldn’teventradetheacnescaronmyrightcheek,becausethatrecurringzitspentmoretimewithmeincollegethananyboyeverdid.
Attheendoftheday,I’mhappytohavemyfather’sfeetandmymother’seyes
withmeatalltimes.IfIevergobacktothatbeachinWildwood,Iwantmydaughtertobeabletofindmeinthecrowdbyspottingmysoda-casehips.Iwanthertobeabletopickmeoutofaseaofhighlighted-blondwomenwithfaketansbecauseI’mtheonewiththethickponytailandthegreenishundertonesinmyskin.
AndifIevermeetJoyceDeWitt,Iwillfirstapologizeforhavingimmediatelypunchedherintheface,andthenIwillthankher.ForwhileshelookedlikeaLizaMinnellidollthathadbeendamagedinafire,atleastshedidn’tlooklikeeverybodyelseonTV.
Also,fulldisclosure,Iwouldtrademyfeetforalmostanyothersetoffeetoutthere.
DelawareCountySummerShowtime!
(Allnamesinthisstoryhavebeenchanged,toprotectthefabulous.)
GayWales
In1976,ayoungCatholicfamilymannamedLarryWentzlerstartedayouththeaterprograminmyhometowncalledSummer
Showtime.Itreallyisaterrificmodelforacommunityprogram.YoungteenagerswouldputondailyChildren’sTheatershowsforthecommunity,givingpreschoolersaccesstolivetheaterataverylowcostforparents.TheolderkidswoulddirectthoseChildren’sTheatershowsandperforminBroadway-stylemusicalsbynight.Intheprocess,allthekidswouldlearnaboutmusic,
art,carpentry,discipline,friendship,andteamwork.It’safantasticprogramthatcontinuestothisday,andIcan’trecommendithighlyenough.
Larrydidn’tsetouttocreateahavenforgayteens,butyouknowhowsometimessquirrelseatoutofabirdfeeder?Larrybuiltabeautifulbirdfeeder,andthenextthingyouknew—fullofsquirrels.
ItookajobasthenightboxofficemanageratSummerShowtimebecausemyeleventh-gradeboyfriendsaidwe’dhavefunthere.Hepromptlybrokeupwithmetodateahotblonddancergirltowhomheisnowmarried,Godblessuseveryone.IshouldhaveknownheandIweren’tgoingtomakeitwhenformyseventeenthbirthdayhegavemeaboxofmicrowavepopcornanda
usedbatterytester.
Youknow,totestbatteriesbeforeIputtheminmyWalkman.Likeyougivesomeonewhenyou’reinlove.
Thosefirstfewnightsofbeingfreshly,brutallydumpedandsittingaloneintheboxofficewerenotsogreat.Iwasheartbrokenand,becausenoonehadcentralairbackthen,Ihadtocrymyself
tosleeponthefloorundertheairconditionerinmyparents’room.Butthen,likeDorothy’sinTheWizardofOz,myworldwentfromblack-and-whitetocolor.Because,likeDorothyinTheWizardofOz,Iwasembracedbythegays.Theylovedmeandpraisedme.Iwassofunnyandsomeanandmatureformyage!AndwithmylargebrowneyesIreallydidlooklikeayoungJudy
GarlandLornaLuft.
Beforemyeveningshift,IwouldhangoutwithmynewfriendTim,whoranthecostumedepartment.Timhadthehighest,loudestvoiceyou’veeverheard.Icouldsitthereforhourslisteningtohimscreechalongto“AndIAmTellingYouI’mNotGoing”whilehot-gluingJoseph’sAmazingTechnicolorDreamcoat
togetherbecausenoneofuscouldreallysew.Parentsoftheworld,thisiswhereyouwantyourseventeen-year-olddaughterspendinghersummer—snortingherDQBlizzardouthernosefromlaughingsohard.TheonlypersonfunnierthanTimwashismeaner,louder,higher-pitchedbrotherTristan.Onefamily,twoimpressivelygaybrothers.
ThatsummerIgottoknowfourfamiliesinwhichhalfthechildrenweregay.Incaseyou’reinterestedfromasociologicalpointofview,theywerealwaysCatholicandtherewerealwaysfourkids,twoofwhomweregay.WhatWalesistocrooners,myhometownmaybetohomosexuals—meaningthereseemstobeadisproportionatenumberofthemandtheyarethebestin
theworld!
Tristanwouldeggmeontotrash-talkthelittleblondiewhohad“stolen”myboyfriend.OfcourseIknownowthatnoonecan“steal”boyfriendsagainsttheirwill,notevenAngelinaJolieitself.
ButIwasfilledwithapoisonous,pointlessteenagejealousy,which,whencombinedwithgaycattiness,
canbeintoxicating.Likemeanmeth.AndguesswhoplayedJosephinJosephandtheAmazingTechnicolorDreamcoat,bytheway?Youguessedit,oldBattery-TesterJoe.Igottowatchhimintheshoweverynightandthencountmystubsinafour-footroomwhileheandtheblondelefttogetpizza.
Hewould’venevergivenheracrappybatterytester.Andif
hehad,sheprobablywouldhaveshovedituphertwatandtriedtoturniton.(ThisisthekindofmeanstuffTristanandIbondedover.Clearlyit’sverytoxic.)
TheunstatedthingthatTimandIhadincommonwasthatwehadcrushesonallthesameboys.
Theonlydifferencewas,Iwasallowedtotalkendlessly
aboutmyfeelingsandTimwasinthehalfcloset.
Nobodythoughthewasstraight,buthewasn’t“out”either.Hecertainlynevermadeamoveonanyone.Hiscrusheswouldmanifestthemselvesinotherways.TimhadarealjobworkingatMacy’s,andsometimeshewouldusehisdisposableincometo,youknow,buyRickMcMenaminabaseball
glove.
“Youweresayingtheothernightafterrehearsalhowyouneededanewglove,so…anyhoo,”he’dtrailoff.Thenicethingwas,thestraightboysdidn’tfreakoutaboutthis,andtheydefinitelykeptallthefreestuff.
Lotsofteenagegirlshavetakencomfortunderthewingsofhalf-closetedgay
boys,buthowmanyofuscanbragthathertwobestfriendsinhighschoolweretwenty-five-year-oldlesbians?ImetKarenandSharononedayinthemiddleofourgiantthousand-seatauditorium.Thekidwhoranthelightingbooth,aroughneckgirlnamedRitawhowouldonlyanswerto“Reet,”wasclimbingfromladdertoladderhanginglightsforTheJungleBookandcursinglike
asailorwithacornealpapercut.KarenwastheimprovteacherandSharonwastheheadscenicpainter,andthethreeofusfoundourselvesspellboundbythespinningmobileofprofanitythatwashangingfromtheceiling.Itwaslikelookinginthemonkeycagebutyoucanunderstandthemonkey,andwhatthemonkeyissayingis“Fuckallthesefuckingzoopeople.”Westartedlaughing
andwereinseparableforthenextsixyears.
KarenandSharonhadbeenacoupleatsomeunspecifiedtimeinthepastbutwerenowjustfriendswithasymmetricalhaircuts.Wespentdaysandweeksdoingnothing,callingoneanothertentimesadaytoscheduleournothing-doing.Anentireeveningcouldconsistofrentingamovie,suchasThe
StepfatherorthatonewherespiderscomeoutofMartinSheen’sface,andmakingnachos.Doyourememberwhataculturalphenomenonhomemadenachoswere?Ifyouareunderthirty,youprobablydon’tevenrealizetherewasatimewhenpeopledidn’thavenachos.Wejuststoodaroundeatingcrackers.
YouknowthatgameCelebritythatyouandyour
friendsinventedincollege?Well,firstofall,youdidn’tinventit.ItwasdevelopedbyNASAtokeepgirlsvirginswellintotheirtwenties.Andsecondofall,weplayeditbetterthanyoubecauseweplayeditfournightsaweek.Weworeitout.“Okay,thisisJoanCollins’scharacterfromDynasty.”“Alexis!”“No,herfullname.”“AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter!”
Whenwefinallygottiredofplaying,aroundmidnight,wewouldswitchtoaversioncalledCelebrityBoff,inwhichyoucouldonlywritedownthenamesofcelebritiesyouwouldsleepwith.
PlayingCelebrityBoffwithtwohalf-closetedgayguys,twolesbians,andonestraightgirlmadeforaneasygame.JodieFoster’snamewasalwaysintherefourtimes.
AntonioBanderasappealedtoallsectors.“Thisisthatsameonewekeepgetting—”“PrincessStephanieofMonaco!”
Itisatestamenttomyparentsthattheyneverreactednegativelytothefour-year-longprideparadethatmarchedthroughtheirhouse.Theywelcomedtheseweirdos(theywereweirdosinotherways,notbecauseof
theirsexualpreference)withopenarmsandfedthemalluntiltheyweresick.Onlyoncedidmymothersay,“ThatKarenisalittlebutch,don’tyouthink?”Ifeignedignorancebadly,“Inotknowwhatyoumean!”andslippedoutforanightofsame-sexnachosandnameyelling.
IguessIshouldalsostatethatKarenandSharonneverhitonmeintheslightestandit
wasneverweirdbetweenanyofus.Gaypeopledon’tactuallytrytoconvertpeople.That’sJehovah’sWitnessesyou’rethinkingof.
NoonewaseverturnedgaybybeingatSummerShowtime,becausethat’snotpossible.Ifyoucouldturngayfrombeingaroundgaypeople,wouldn’tKathyGriffinbeRosieO’Donnellbynow?Thestraightboys
quicklylearnedtobeacceptingandeasygoing,andthestraightgirlslearnedoverthecourseofseveralyearstostopfallinginlovewithgayboys.
ByAugust,Iwascomingoutofmygloom.Itookafreeafternoondanceclasswherewebasicallyjustdidjazzrunsbackandforthacrossthelobby.Theteachercalledme“FrankensteinArms”because
Iwouldmovemyrightarminunisonwithmyrightleg,likeaFrankenstein.SinceIhadbeenthrownoverforadancer,thisstung.ButIpersevered.
IwastheyoungestpersoninourgroupoffriendsandIalwayshadacurfew.Iwasnotoriousforfreakingoutwhenitwastimetogo.Itdidn’tmatterifwewereatlocaleaterytheCritic’s
ChoiceenjoyingmozzarellasticksafterarehearsaloratTimandTristan’shousewatchingSleepawayCamp—theonewherethedemoniclittlegirlturnsouttohaveapenis—whenIhadtogo,Iwouldshutapartydown.“Hurryup.Idon’twanttogetintrouble.”PleatedeightiesBossypants.
Whenthesummerwasover,Ihadmadeabouttwenty-five
newfriendsandwasnolongerweepingintomymom’sradiatorcover.ButmostofthekidsinSummerShowtimewenttotheCatholicschoolsdowntheroadorwerewellintotheirtwenties,soIdidn’tseethemasmuchonceschoolstarted.
AftertheGreatestSummer
Ihadtotakeeleventh-gradehealthintwelfthgrade.Ihad
postponedittheyearbeforesoIcouldtakechoirandEncoreSingers—itwaskindofabigdealtobeinboth,whatever.Iwasalto1,butsometimestheyhadmesingsecondsoprano.Ihadasoloin“OHolyNight”inaperformanceatthemall.IndowntownPhiladelphia.Enough!Stopaskingaboutit!
Thehealthteacher,Mr.Garth,hadathickblond
mustache—theuniversalsignofintelligence—andarural-Pennsylvaniaaccentthatmadehimsay“dawn”insteadof“down”and
“yuman”insteadof“human.”Oneday,inwhatIhopewasadeparturefromthestatecurriculum,Mr.
Garthdevotedanentireperiodtoteachingus“howtospotandavoidhomosexuals.”
IcouldnotbelievewhatIwashearing.
Idon’tknowwhathappenedtothisguyattheTeachersCollegeofAnthraciteville,buthehadsomeopinions.“Thesehomosexuals,they’lltrickya.They’llfineoutwhatkindamusicyalike,whatkindacandyyalike,thenthey’llinviteyoudawntotheirhouse.”AsIlistened,incredulous,Icouldn’thelp
butpictureayoungMr.GarthbeingluredintoavanbyPaulLynde.“Heythere,sonny,myfriendsandIwerejustgoingintothewoodstoenjoysomeJethroTullandaMarsbar.Interested?”Oh,theshamethatmusthavewashedoverMr.Garthas“MinstrelintheGallery”cametoanendandherealizedthatwasnoMarsbar!Buttherewasnoturningback.Hehadalreadyeatenhalfofit.
Mybloodstartedtoboilashecontinued.“Ifyou’retalkingtosomeoneandyouthinktheymightbeahomosexual,justrun.Justgetoutofthereandtellthenearestadult.”IstayedafterclasstotellhimthatIthoughthehadmisspoken.“Ithinkwhatyoumeanttosaywas‘childmolesters,’not
‘homosexuals.’”HejustwatchedmyhandsmoveasI
talked,notunlikeadog.ItbecameclearthatmyschoollifeandmyShowtimelifewereseparate.
TheGreatestNewYear’sEvePartyofAllTime
ThelinebetweenShowtimefriendsandschoolfriendswasbreachedonNewYear’sEve1987.
MySummerShowtimefriend
BrendanhadaNewYear’sEveparty.Brendanwasaverydramaticboywhowouldsaythingstomelike“Didyoueverthinkthatmaybethemanthatdidthattoyourfacedidittomarkyousohecouldfindyoulaterinlife?”SeewhatImeanaboutthequestionbeingareflectionoftheasker?WhenBrendanlosthimselfinalongdramaticrant,youcouldalwaysshuthimupbysaying,“Ilikethat
monologue.Isitfrom’night,Mother?”
HehadabeautifulfacewithpoutylipsandthatswoopyhairthatwassopopularduringthesecondReaganadministration.HewasthescenicartistunderSharonandhewoulddothingslikepainttheentirefloorofthestageanhourbeforeaperformance(ruiningthewhiteshortsthekidshadbeenaskedtobring
infromhometobeinthechorusof“FreetoBe…YouandMe”).Thenhe’ddisappearfortwodays,emergingwithaten-pageletterofapology.Hewasamess,andhisNewYear’spartywasexpectedtobeawesome.
Iwasateetotaleratthetime,andnoneofmyclosefriendswerebigdrinkers.IwentwithKarenandSharon,andthe
placewasalreadypackedwhenwegotthere.ThekitchenanddiningroomwerefullofBrendan’sathleticCatholicschoolfriends;thelivingroomwaspackedwiththeaternerds.
Brendan’smomhadlockedherselfinherroomupstairs.Therewasanunclaimeddogturdinthehalloutsidethebathroom.
Peoplesatinsmallgroups,talkingabouttheothersmallgroupsthatwerejustoutofearshot.
Myexandthedancermadeabriefappearance,butIheldmyheadhigh.IwaswearingmybestGapturtleneckandmydatesweretwoadultlesbians,soyeah,Iwasprettycool.
TheSummerShowtimekids
hadtoweavenervouslythroughthejockstogettotheDoritos.
Brendan’slong-sufferingCatholicschool“girlfriend,”Patty,triedtobridgethegapbetweenthetwogroups.Asweet,quietgirlwithshortcurlyhairandafaceasIrishasascone,Pattyseemedtobetheonlypersonatthepartywhodidn’trealizewhatBrendan’sdealwas—even
thefamilydoghadregisteredhisdisapprovalagainonthekitchenfloor.
BrendanandIranintoeachotheronthefrontlawn.HeseemedtobeinaparticularlyOscarWildemood.“MayIkissyou?”heasked.Sure,whocares.Afteratender,playactednon-Frenchkiss,Brendansuddenly“cameout”tome.Inmyexperience,thehardestthingabouthaving
someone“comeout”toyouisthe“pretendingtobesurprised”part.Youwanthimtofeellikewhathe’stellingyouisBig.It’slike,ifsomebodytellsyouthey’repregnant,youdon’tsay,“Ididnoticeyou’vebeeneatinglikeahoglately.”Yourgayfriendhasobviouslymadeabigdecisiontosaythewordsoutloud.Youdon’twanthimtorealizethateverybody’sknownthissincehewasten
andhewantedtobeBertLahrforHalloween.NottheCowardlyLion,butBertLahr.“Oh,mygosh,nowaaaay?”Youstall,tryingtothinkofsomethingmoresubstantialtosay.“Iseveryone,like,freakingout?Whata…wow.”
Brendanhadclearlydecidedtomakethispartyhisdebut,andhewanderedthroughthecrowd,performinghisone-
manshowinvariouslocations.
Bored,ItriedmakingoutwithVictorAnthony,astraightkidwhowascutebutkindofawang.
HewastheCreamofWheatofmakingout.Iwouldtryiteverynowandthen,thinkingmaybeI’dlikeit,buteverytime:no.Hereallywasastunninglybadkisser.Itwas
asifhetookarunningstartatyourmouth.Brendan’sstagekisswaswaymoreskilled.
IwentbackinsideandparkeditwithKarenandSharoninthetheaterlivingroom,whereBrendanwasdeepintoActIIof“comingout.”TheMonsignorBonnerfootballteamwaspeeringinfromthediningarea,hearingallofthis.“Here’satoasttobeingfreeofotherpeople’s
expectations,”Brendanmonologued,“andlovingwhomeveryouchoose.”Inthebackground,scone-facePattywasquietlygivingpeoplecoasters.Jesus,shewasreallynotgettingit.
Thiseveningwasactuallyturningouttobequiteboring.Butthenithappened.
OneofthedrunkgirlsfromtheArchbishopPrendergast
sideofthepartywanderedintotheShowtimeroomandstartedmakingoutwithAlexisCatalano.Everyonefroze.Pattylookedon,scone-faced.Thiswasunprecedented.Brendantalkedagoodgame,butthesetwoweregoingatit—inpublic!ThiswasyearsbeforeeverypopsingerintheworldstartedfakelezzingoutattheVMAs.Itsimplywasnotdone.Whatwouldhappen
next?KarenandSharonwentintoprotectiveadultmodeandpulledthetwowastedgirlsapartandtookthemupstairstoamoreprivatelocation.
JustthenBrendan’smom—whowastotallyunawareoftheproceedings—startedscreamingandthrowingeveryone’scoatsdownthestairs,whichshallhenceforthbeknownasAnIrish
Goodnight.
Brendan’smommayhaveperfectedmy“partyshutdown”move,butitdidn’tstopmefromworkingitattheamateurlevel.Ifollowedthefourwomenupstairs,duckingtheflyingparkas,becauseitwasalmosttwoA.M.:myspecialexpandedNewYear’sEvecurfew.Karenwasmyrideandweneededtogetamoveon.
Alexisandjockgirlweresodrunktheycouldbarelyfunction.KarenandSharontriedtoconvincethemitwastimetocallitanight.Theywouldgivethemaridehome.“Noooo,Ilooooooveherrrr,”jockgirlsobbedasKarenhelpedhergethercoaton.IsaidI’dbewaitinginthecarandtheyneededtohurryup.
Meanwhile,Brendanstormedoutofthehouseanddrove
away,furious—probablybecausehehad“losttheroom”whentwogirlsstartedgoingtotownoneachother.
AfterI’dbeenwaitinginthecartwentyminutesandmissedmycurfew,Icouldn’tcontrolmytemperanymore.“Getthedykesinthecar!”IscreameddownChildsAvenue,bangingmyshoeonKaren’sdashboardandleavingaslightcrack.My
husbandcouldtellyouthatIstillgetthiswoundupwhenI’mtryingtoleavethehouseonaSaturdaymorningandnobodyinmyfamilyhastheirshoeson.
It’snotagreatquality.
(Andjustincaseyouwerewondering,yes—whenhereturnedlaterthatnight,BrendantriedtorunPattyandhismotheroverwiththecar.I
believeitearnedhimaRegionalTheaterTonynomination.)
TheSecondSummer
MysecondyearatSummerShowtime,IwaspromotedtobeoneoftheChildren’sTheaterdirectors.Idirectedshowswithacastofsixtytwelve-year-oldsand,I’lltootmyownhorn,Imadesomeinterestingdirectingchoices.
SuchaspushingtheLittleMermaidaroundonarollingofficechairpapier-mâchédtolooklikealargeshell.Herhaironlygotcaughtinthewheelstwice.
Ikneweveryone.Iwasfullyimmersed.“Immersed,”Brendanwouldsay.“You’resosmart.Whydon’tIknowmorepeoplewhousewordslike‘immersed’?”Andthenhe’ddisappearfortwodays.
Hemayhavebeenadrunk.
Sharon’sbrotherSeanwasour“visitingdirector”fortheMainstagemusical.EveryonereferredtohimasEquityActorSeanKenny.Hewasamemberofthestageactorsunion!Hewaslivingthedreaminabasement-levelstudioapartmentinHell’sKitchenwitharatproblem.Wewereallinawe.
Seanwasandisaskilledandconfidentdirector.IwasexcitedtobehisassistantdirectoronamurdermysterymusicalcalledSomething’sAfoot.
Myfirstjobasassistantdirectorwastomakesurehedidn’tcastthetalentedblonddancerwhohadsoeasilystolenmyboyfriendthesummerbefore.Iaccomplishedthiswiththe
persistentandskilledmanipulationofagradeAbitch.Imadearticulateargumentsastowhytheotherblondgirlwouldbebetter.TheDancerGirlwas“toooverused.”Itwouldbemoreexcitingto“usesomeoneunexpected,”
andtheothergirl’s“look”was“moreBritish.”Afatloadofnonsense,butitworked.DancerGirlwas
relegatedtoplayingthetitleroleinaChildren’sTheatershowcalledGuessAgain.Yes,hercharacterandtheshowwerebothcalledGuessAgain.Aharshpunishment.
Obviously,asanadultIrealizethisgirl-on-girlsabotageisthethirdworstkindoffemalebehavior,rightbehindsaying“like”allthetimeandleavingyourbabyinadumpster.I’mproudtosay
Iwouldneversabotageafellowfemalelikethatnow.NotevenifChristinaApplegateandIwerebothupforthesamepartasVinceVaughn’smotherinabig-budgetcomedycalledBeerGuys.
SeanandIwereMentorandMenteethatsummer.Iwaseighteen,hewastwenty-seven.Seantaughtmealotaboutprofessionaldignity.
Forexample,thiswaswhen“callwaiting”wasnew,andifyouleftSeanontheotherlineformorethantenseconds,hewouldhangup.Andourshowwasahit!
Onbothnights!Thecastpartywasinabackyardwithpaperlanterns.Thecastandcrewmingled.Itwasveryglamorous.
SummerShowtimealum
RichardD’Atteliswasthere.MyfriendVanessahadgonetohereighth-gradedancewithRichardD’Attelis,andhehadpickedherupwearingabaseballshirtcustomizedwithaniron-onphotoofOliviaNewton-John.Itsaid“OliviaNewton-John”inpuffylettersonthefrontand“TotallyHot!”ontheback.RichardhadbeenthefirstoftheShowtimeboystoquietlycomeoutafterhisstintatthe
PennsylvaniaGovernor’sSchoolfortheArts,anexclusivestate-runartsintensivethatmightaswellhavebeencalledthePennsylvaniaGovernor’sBlowJobAcademy.Imagineabunchofseventeen-year-oldtheaterboysawayfromhomeforthefirsttimeforsixweeks.Theywerelivinginemptycollegedorms,fortheloveofMike!Literally!Thinkofthejoyandfreedom
theymusthavefelt,likebeingonanall-gayspacestation.(I’msuretherewereoneortwostraightboysthere,too,andIimaginetheydidincrediblywellwiththeoneortwostraightgirls.)SeanwasflirtingwithRichard.Wewereseatedatapicnictableattheparty,andIrealizedtheywereplayingfootsieunderthetable.Icouldnotcontainmyjudgment.“Whatareyou
doing?”Idemanded,tryingtobefunnyandcontrollingatthesametime.Theyignoredme.Richardgotuptogetasoda.IturnedtoSean.“He’ssocheesyandgross!”Mypower-of-suggestiontechniquehadworkedsowellwhenIwasscrewingoverthatblondgirl.IusedanyammunitionIcouldmuster.“Hesmokes,youknow.”Asthenightworeon,Ididn’tgetthehint.Istayedatthetable
withtwopeoplewhowereclearlygoingtohookup.ItriedsomesarcasticeyecontactasRichardtoldSeanabouthisdreamtoturnXanaduintoastageplay.Likethatwouldeverwork.
Inmymind,IwasdoingSeanafavorbytryingtostophimfromhookingupwithsomeoneregrettable.“Oh,myGod.Youknowhe’sonly,like,twenty.”Sabotageand
saying“like.”Iwasreallyinabadplace.
Seanshotmealook.Iwasoutofbounds.It’sonethingtobeawisecrackingprecociousteenhangingoutwithtwenty-sevenyearolds.It’sanotherthingtogetinthewayofagrownmantryingtogetlaid.
Idon’tknowwhathappenedbetweenRichardandSean
thatnight,butthenextdaySharoncalledmetosaythatSeanwasveryannoyedwiththewayI’dbehaved.Shesaidshehadtalkedhimdownbecause“theyallrealized”thatIhadacrushonSean.“It’snatural.”Theyallrealized?TheywerealltalkingaboutwhatababyIwasandhowImusthaveacrushonSean?“Idon’t.”Iweptfromsheerembarrassment.“Ireally
don’t.”ButthemoreIprotested,theguiltierIseemed.Andhere,aftertwentyyears,isthetruth.Ireallydidn’thaveacrushonSean.IhadreactedthatwaybecauseIviscerallyfeltthatwhattheywereabouttodowasicky.ThestomachacheIfelthadnothingtodowithacrush.IhadtofacethefactthatIhadbeenusingmygayfriendsasprops.Theywerealwayssupposedtobefunny
andentertainmeandpraisemeandlistentomyproblems,andtheirlifewassupposedtobeasecretthatnoonewantedtohearabout.Iwantedthemtostayinthe“halfcloset.”
EquityActorSeanKennydidnotliveinthehalfcloset.HehadmovedawaytoNewYorkandwasjustbackforavisit.Hewasagrownman.Myreactiontohishookingup
withRichardD’AttelismademefeellikeCoachGarth.IstrokedmythickblondmustacheandthunkaboutwhatIhaddawn.
Itwasamajoranddeeplyembarrassingteenagerevelation.Itmustbehowstraightteenageboysfeelwhentheyrealizethoseboobstheylikehaveheadsattachedtothem.
IthoughtIkneweverythingafterthatfirstsummer.“Beinggayisnotachoice.GaypeopleweremadethatwaybyGod,”I’dlecturedMr.Garthproudly.Butittookmeanotherwholeyeartofigureoutthesecondpart:“GaypeopleweremadethatwaybyGod,butnotsolelyformyentertainment.”Wecan’texpectourgayfriendstoalwaysbesingle,celibate,andarrivingearlywiththe
nachofixin’s.Andwereallyneedtoletthesepeoplegetmarried,already.
Beforethefinalperformanceofeverysummer,allthekidswereinvitedonstageandtogetherwesang“FilltheWorldwithLove”fromGoodbye,Mr.Chips.Everyonewouldcrytheirheadsoff.Itfeltliketheendofcamp,andIimaginesomeofthosekidshadmoreto
dreadaboutgoingbacktoschoolthanjustboredomandhealthclass.
Withhisdreamofatheaterprogramforyoungpeople,LarryWentzlerhadinadvertentlydoneanamazingthingforallthesesquirrels.Theyhadaplacewheretheybelonged,and,evenifitwasbecausehedidn’twanttodealwiththeirbeingdifferent,hedidn’ttreat
themanydifferently.WhichIthinkisaprettysuccessfulimplementationofChristianity.
WeshouldstrivetomakeoursocietymorelikeSummerShowtime:Mostlyameritocracy,despitesomeviciousbackstabbing.Everyonegetsaspotinthechorus.Bringwhiteshortsfromhome.
That’sDonFey
Let’sreviewthecost-freetechniquesthatwe’velearnedsofarforraisinganachievement-oriented,obedient,drug-free,virginadult:Calamity,Praise,LocalTheater,andflatfeet.
Anotherkeyelementis“StrongFatherFigure/FearThereof.”
MydadlookslikeClintEastwood.Hishalf-Scottish,half-Germanfaceinreposeishandsomebutterrifying.Isearchedtheaudienceforhimduringthesixth-gradechorusconcertand,seeinghissternexpression,wasconvincedthathehadseenmemessingupthewordstotheHappyDaysthemeandthatIwasinbigtrouble.Ispenttherestoftheconcertsuppressingterrorburps,onlytobegivenabig
hugandakissafterward.Ittookmeyearstorealize,Oh,that’sjusthisface.
It’smyface,too,itturnsout.Thecheekboneslaterdiscoveredtherebyateamofgayexcavatorsarecourtesyofmydad.
DonFeydresseswell.Hehasanartist’seyeformixingcolorsandprints.Hewearstweedyjacketsoversweater
vestsinthewinterandseersuckersuitsinthesummer.Hisgarnetcollegeringshowsoffhiswell-groomedhands.Hecanstillrockahat.
Mydadlookslikehe’s“somebody.”OnedaywhenIwasvisitinghimonhislunchhourheranintoacoupleofoldhighschoolbuddiesindowntownPhiladelphia.“Hey,DonFey!”oneofthe
guys
calledfromacrossthestreet.“OhmyGod,DonFey,”the
otherguysaidexcitedly.ThetwoAfricanAmericansecretarieswaitingatthelightwithmydadwhisperedknowinglytoeachother,“That’sDonFey.”
BeforeIwasborn,mymothertookmybrothertoGreeceforthewholesummertovisitfamily.
Whentheywerefinallycomingback,mydadwashed
andwaxedhisChevyconvertible,putonhisbestsharkskinsuit,anddroveallthewayfromPhiladelphiatoNewYorkInternationalAirporttopickthemup.(Inthosedays,internationaltravelmeantdressingup,smokingonplanes,wearingPanAmslippers,andflyingintoNewYork.)
Theirflightwasduetoarriveearlyinthemorning,soDon
Fey,whoisneverlateforanything,gottotheairportjustbeforedawn.Ashepoppedonhissweetlidandwalkedacrossthedesertedparkinglottowardtheterminal,hesawtwoblackgentlemenapproachingfromfaraway.Heplayeditcooltohidehisapprehension.HewasinNewYork,afterall,oneoftheworld’smostdangerouscitiesifyou’refromanyothercity,andfrom
farawayinthedarkhecouldn’ttelliftheguyswereairportemployeesorloiterers.
Astheygotcloser,henoticedtheywerestaringhimdown.Hecontinuedtoplayitcool.DonFeyhadgrownupinWestPhilly,wherehelivedcomfortablyasaCaucasianminority.Ofcoursetheseguyscouldn’tknowthat.Hisheartwasbeatingalittlefasterastheycamewithinten
feetofeachother.
Theguyslookedathimintently,thenoneturnedtotheotherandsaid,“Thatisoneboss,bold,bladedmotherfucker.”
That’sDonFey.He’sjustabadass.HewasacodebreakerinKorea.HewasafiremaninPhiladelphia.He’s
askilledwatercolorist.He’swrittentwomysterynovels.HetaughthimselfGreeksowellthatwhenhewenttobuyticketstotheAcropolisonce,thedocenttoldhim,“
.”(It’sfreeforGreekcitizens.)
NeighborhoodkidswouldgatheronourporchjusttolistentohimswearatthePhilliesgame.
(AndyMussertalkedtoogoddamnmuch.Gameswereoften“over”bythesixthinning.“Thisgoddamngameisover.Thesonsofbitcheschoked.”)
WhenwatchingtheFlyers,hewouldchangethechannelduringcommercialsandhealwaysknewexactlywhentoturnitbacktocatchthestartofplay.Whenmycousinmarveledatthisability,my
dadwasmatter-of-fact:“Youjustwaitninetyseconds.”Isn’teveryone’sbrainaSwisswatch?
DonFeyisaGoldwaterRepublican,whichishisonlyoption.Ifyou’reDonFey,youcan’tlookatJoeBidenandbelike,yes,Iwanttobeledbythisgentlemanwiththecappedteeth.You’renotgoingtolistentoJohnKerrypretendingtoempathizewith
youabouttherisingcostofyourmedications.Youcertainlyaren’tinterestedinthe“unresolvedfatherissues”thatrenderedBillClintonunabletokeephisflyclosed.DonFeyisnotgoingtoputupwiththat.DonFeyisagrown-assman!Blackpeoplefindhimstylish!
DonFeyhaswhatIwoulddescribeaspre–NormanLearracialattitudes.Oncethe
BunkerfamilymettheJeffersons,everyinteractionbetweenblacksandwhiteswassomehowsupposedtobealife-changinglesson,especiallyforthewhitepeople.Mygenerationcarriesthatwithus,onlytobeconstantlydisappointedbyKanyeWestandTaylorSwift.
ThetwinhouseIgrewupinwasacrossthestreetfromthe
borderofWestPhiladelphiawhereDonFeygrewup.DonFeycertainlyhadfriendsofotherracesandreligions.HehastoldmeacoupletimesaboutthenighthekissedLionelHampton.Hewasatajazzconcertasateenagerwithanall-whiteaudience.Atonepointintheshow,LionelHamptonwouldinviteawomanfromtheaudiencetodancewithhim,butthewhitegirlswerealltooscaredtobe
seendancingwithablackman.Toeasethetension,DonFeyjumpedupandfast-dancedwithMr.Hampton,attheendofwhichLionelHamptonkissedhimontheforeheadtoaroundofapplause.
Conversely,hewouldtellusthingslike“Ifyouseetwoblackkidsridingaroundononebike,putyourbikeinthegarage.”Thiswasn’tracism;
itwasexperience.ThosekidswerecomingfromWestPhillytostealbikes.ThesocialfactorsthatcausedtheirbehaviorwereirrelevanttoaDepressionbaby.WhenyougrowupgettinganorangeforChristmas,you’regoingtomakesurethetwenty-five-dollarbikeyouboughtyourkiddoesn’tgetrippedoff.
NormanLearmightwantus
totaketimetounderstandthatthosekidswenttopoorlyfundedschoolsandthattheirparents,whilelovinganddignified,wereunabletosupervisetheirchildren’sbehaviorbecausetheywerebothatworkdoingminimum-wagejobs,butbythenourbikeswouldbegone.
Thelateseventieswereadarktimeof“familymeetings”about“tighteningourbelts.”
TheembarrassmentofWatergateledrighttotheIranhostagecrisis.ThreeMileIslandwasinourstate.Itwasalways“Day27”ofsomethinginBeirut.Therewasaninfestationofgypsymothskillingthetreesinourneighborhood.
Icandefinitelyrememberaperiodoftimewhenthegascrisis,theCarteradministration,and
“AlanAlda’sbleeding-heartliberalpropaganda”werestartingtowearonDonFey’sday-to-daydignity.
OneSaturdaymydadgotitinhisheadthathewasgoingtorentarugshampooeratPathmarkandshampooourcarpets.Heexpressedthisdesiretomymother,whosaidnonchalantly,“Ugh,thosethingsneverwork.”Westillhadahalf-emptybottle
ofrugshampoofromtheoneothertimehe’dtriedit.ButDonFeycouldnotbedeterred,andI,hisfaithfulservant,wentwithhim.Werentedtheshampooer,boughtanewfullbottleofsoap,andloadedthemintothebackoftheCatalina.
WhenwegothomeIwassenttoplayoutsidesomydadcouldshampoothewholefirstfloor.Ibarelyhadmy
StarWarsfigureslinedupinthepatchofdirtbythebasementstepsalsoknownasTatooinewhenIheardacommotioninside.Mydadwascursing.Objectswerebeingrumbledaround.Igotaninstantbellyache.
Thescreendoorflewopen.Thetwobottlesofrugshampoowereslammedontothebackporch.
Therugshampooercametumblingoutthebackdoorinatangledmess.
“Yourmother…isawitch!”mydadblurtedashecameoutside.Hemeantitliterally.“Shecursedme!”Itwouldseemthattherentedrugshampooerdidnotwork.“Thegoddamnthingisdefective.”
“Defective”wasabigword
inourhouse.Manythingswerelabeled“defective”onlytomiraculouslyturnfunctionaloncethedirectionshadbeenreadmorethoroughly.IfIhadtonamethetwowordsImostassociatewithmydadbetween1970and1990,theywouldbe“defective”and
“inexcusable.”Leavingyourbaseballgloveinaneighbor’scar?Inexcusable.Not
knowingthat“alot”
wastwowords?Inexcusable.Theseltzermachinethatweweregoingtousetomakehomemadesoda?
Defective.ThemisspelledsignattheBeachBoysFourthofJulyconcertthatread“FromSeatoShinningSea”?Inexcusable.RichieAshburnnotbeinginthebaseballhalloffameyet?Bullshit.(Don
Feyhadalargerubberstampthatsaid“bullshit,”whichwasandisawesome.)Wasittoomuchtoexpecttherestoftheworldtocareaboutgrammarorpayattentiontodetails?Shouldn’tsomeoneatthePathmarkhavetomakesurethatthegoddamnrugshampooersareinworkingorder?
Hecarriedthedefectiveshampooerdowntheback
steps,thehosefloppingaroundonpurposejusttoannoyhim.Therewassudsywaterinsideit,sloshingaround,mockinghisdreamofanorderlyhouse.“Sonofabitch!”Ashebackedourgiantcarupthefifty-degreeinclineofourdriveway,scrapingthebumper,hebarked,“Getthebottleofsoap.Comeon.”IwasgoingalongfortheridebacktoPathmark?Great.Ilookedat
thetwoidenticalbottlesofrugdetergentonthebackporch.Onewasnewandreturnable.Onewassixmonthsoldandhalfempty.Butwhichwaswhich?Icouldn’ttell!Theywereopaque.IknewthatwordbecauseIwasintheGiftedProgram,butitdidn’thelpmeinthatsplitsecond.
Whydidn’tIpickthembothuptoseewhichonewas
heavier?Whydidn’tIjustbringbothofthem?IwouldneverbeplacedintheCommonSenseProgram.Mydadhonkedthehornformetohurryup.Igrabbedabottleanddashedforthecar.
WerodeintensesilencetothePathmark.And,bytheway,Igetitnow.I’maworkingparentandIunderstandthatsometimesyouwanttohaveavery
productiveSaturdaytofeelthatyouareincontrolofyourlife,whichofcourseyouarenot.ChildrenandJimmyCarterruinallyourbest-laidplans.
Andthenyourwifecastssomesortofevilspell?!Inexcusable.
IfollowedmydadashestormedintothePathmarktoexplaintothemwhatkindof
acountryAmericawassupposedtobe.Hetookthebottlefrommetoputitonthecustomerservicecounter,andhisfacewentredattheweightofit.Ihadgrabbedthehalf-emptyone.
Andherewastheindignityofthe1979economy—wecouldn’taffordtowastethethreedollars.
Sure,oncetheInternetboom
cameintheninetieswe’dallbethrowingouthalf-fullmouthwashbecausewewantedtotrythenewcinnamintflavor.We’dbuychamomileteaatStarbucksandnotfinishit.ButnotDonFey.Notin1979.Hewasgoingtohavetodrivehomeagainandgetthatotherbottletoreturnit.“Waithere,”hesaidinastrangledvoice.
Heleftmeattheendofthe
NoFrillsaisle.Istoodthere,fightingbacktears,prettysurethatitwasillegaltoleaveyournineyearoldatPathmark.Unfortunately,Iwaswearingaredpoloshirtandshorts.Withmyshorthaircutanddoughyframe,nofewerthanthreeoldladiesmistookmeforastockboy.“Youngman,wherearetheplums?”
IonlyhopethatonedayIcan
frightenmydaughterthismuch.Rightnow,she’snotscaredofmyhusbandormeatall.Ithinkit’saproblem.Iwasafreshmanhomefromcollegethefirsttimemydadsaid,“You’regoingoutattenP.M.?Idon’tthinkso,”andIjustlaughedandsaid,“It’sfine.”Ifeellikemydaughterwillbedoingthattomebyagesix.
HowcanIgiveherwhatDon
Feygaveme?Thegiftofanxiety.Thefearofgettingintrouble.Theknowledgethatwhileyouareloved,youarenotabovethelaw.TheWorldwideParentalAnxietySystemisfailingifthismanyofushavemadesextapes.
WhenIwasakidtherewasaTVinterstitialduringSaturdaymorningcartoonswithasongthatwentlikethis:“Themostimportant
personinthewholewideworldisyou,andyouhardlyevenknowyou./You’rethemostimportantperson!”Isthisnottheabsoluteworstthingyoucouldinstillinachild?
They’rethemostimportantperson?Intheworld?That’swhattheyalreadythink.Youneedtoteachthemtheopposite.Theyneedtobealittleafraidofwhatwill
happeniftheylosethetopoftheirGrizzlyAdamsthermos.
DonFeyisfromtheSilentGeneration.Theyaredifferentfromtheirchildren.Theycannotbe
“marketedto.”Theydon’tfeel“loyalty”toBarnesandNobleoverBorders.IfyoutoldDonFeythatyounevergotoBurgerKing,onlyMcDonald’s,becauseyou“grewupwiththeHamburglar,”hewouldlookatyoulikeyouwereamoron.
Whenmyfacewasslashed,mydadheldmeonhislapinthecartothehospital,applyingdirectpressurewiththeswiftcalmofaveteranandanex-fireman.Ilookedupandaskedhim,“AmIgoingtodie?”“Don’tspeak,”hesaid.So,yeah,he’snotthekindofguywhowantstowatchpeopleeatbugsonSurvivor.It’ssocleartomehowthosetwothingsarerelated.
Mydadhasvisitedmeatworkovertheyears,andI’venoticedthatpowerfulmenreacttohiminaweirdway.They“standdown.”ThefirsttimeLorneMichaelsmetmydad,hesaidafterward,“Yourfatheris…impressive.”TheymeetDonFeyanditrearrangessomethingintheirbrainaboutme.AlecBaldwintookalonglookathimandgavehimafirmhandshake.“Thisisyourdad,huh?”
Whataretheyrealizing?Iwonder.Thatthey’dbetternevermesswithme,orDonFeywillyellatthem?ThatIhavehighexpectationsforthemeninmylifebecauseIhaveastrongfatherfigure?
OnlyColinQuinnwasdirectaboutit.“Yourfatherdoesn’tfuckingplaygames.Youwouldnevercomehomewithashamrocktattoointhathouse.”
That’sDonFey.
ClimbingOldRagMountain
LetmestartoffbysayingthatattheUniversityofVirginiain1990,IwasMexican.IlookedMexican,thatis,nexttomyfifteenthousandblondandblue-eyedclassmates,mostofwhomownedhorses,oratleastresembledthem.
Ihadgrownupasthe“whitest”girlinaveryGreekneighborhood,butintheeyesofmynewclassmates,IwasFridaKahloinleggings.
Formanypeople,collegeisatimeofsexualexperimentationanddiscovery,andIamnoexception.AfteraseriesoffailedexperimentswithCaucasianmen,IdiscoveredthatwhatIamreallyintois
Caucasianmen.
AndImeanCaucasian.Maybeit’smywayofrejectingmyHellenicupbringing,butIlike’emfair-skinnedwithold-timeymannersandsomeknowledgeoffishing.IfI’mhonestwithmyself,IcanadmitthatI’veknownthiseversinceIsawLarryWilcoxrideamotorcycle—onthebackofaflatbedcameratruck—down
thePacificCoastHighway.Ilikewhiteboys.
Thisworkedoutperfectlyformeincollege,becausewhatnineteen-year-oldVirginiaboydoesn’twantawide-hipped,sarcasticGreekgirlwithshorthairthat’spermedontop?What’sthatyousay?Noneofthemwantthat?Youarecorrect.SoIspentfouryearsattemptingtocharmtheuninterested.(Itwasprobably
goodpracticeformyfuturecareeronalow-ratedTVshow.)Icouldn’tfigureouthowtoplayit.Icouldn’tcompetewiththesororitygirlswiththeirlongblondponytailsandhoopearrings.Itriedtofindthewhite-boy-looking-to-rebel,butIwasn’tethnicenoughtobeanexcitingdeparture.Iwasn’tKoreanorAfricanAmericanoractuallyMexican.Iwasjustnotall-the-way-white.
IrealizedmypredicamentearlyinmyFirstYear.Wedon’tsay“freshman”or“senior,”etc.,atUVAbecauseMr.Jeffersonfeltthateducationisalifelongprocess.ThomasJefferson—anothergorgeouswhiteboywhowouldnothavebeeninterestedinme.Thiswasmyprobleminanutshell.TogetsomeplayinCharlottesville,youhadtobeeitheraMarthaJeffersonoraSallyHemings.
DuringmyFirstYear,Ihadacrushonabrainy,raven-hairedboyfrommydorm.ThisplayedoutlikethetypicalsexycoedlettertoPenthouse.HewouldaskmeatleastonceadayifIhadeverseenthemovieFullMetalJacket.IwouldremindhimthatIhadnot.Hewouldthendescribepartsofittome.
Afterseveralweeksof
mistakingthisforflirtation,ItriedtokisshimonenightbytheMonroeHilldormsandheliterallyranaway.Notfiguratively.Literally.
IdidgotoonefraternityformalwithadevastatinglyhandsomeguynamedAwbreyMadisonCartwrightIIIfromGeorgia.Imean,thisguylookedlikeClarkKent,nojoke.Heheldmychairformeandopeneddoors.Hewas
genteelandattentive.Therewasonlyoneproblem.Here’showourexchangewentwhenheinvitedmetotheformal:
Tinasitsonthestepsinfrontofthetheaterbuilding,chattingwithfriendsfromactingclass.
AwbreyCartwrightapproaches.
TINA:Hey,Awbrey,you’re
gay,right?
AWBREY:(thrown)What?No.Iwascomingoverheretoaskifyouwanttogotomyformalwithme.
TINA:Oh.Sure.
Iwasright,bytheway.Hewasfordudes.
Soyoucanseewhy,whenIoccasionallyhadalittle
successwithaheterosexualwhitemale,Iduginandhungonfordearlife.AndthisiswhyIclimbedOldRagMountainatnight.
Therewasakid,olderthanme,anarchitecturestudentwhodidplaysinthedramadepartmentontheside.Iwon’tusehisrealnamebecauseIthinkhe’dfindoutaboutitanditwouldgivehimtoomuchsatisfaction.I’ll
refertohiminsteadbyhowhelookedatthetime,whichwaslikeahandsomeRobertWuhl.Gospendanhourtryingtopictureexactlywhatthatcouldbeandpickupthebookagainwhenyou’vegotit.
Welcomeback.
HandsomeRobertWuhlandIwereinafewplaysandsomeactingclassestogether.He
seemedtoappreciatemysenseofhumor.Likeallboysatthattime,hetriedtotalklikeDavidLetterman,whichIappreciated.Idon’trememberhowwefirstcametobemakingoutinacar,butitwasawesomesoIkeptdoingit.Shouldithavebeena“redflag”tomethattheseincidentswouldonlytakeplaceundercoverofnight,inthebackdrivewaybehindmyon-campushousing?
Absolutely.Wasit“notgreat”thattherewasneveranyactual“date”beforetheseeventsandthatitwasasecret?Ofcourse.ButIfinallyhadmyhandsonathin-lippedwhiteboysoeverybodyjustshutupaboutit!
Secretmake-outtimewentonforawhile.HandsomeRobertWuhlclaimedtohavesomeethical/religiousreasonsfor
notgoingalltheway,whichwasfinebyme,asIwouldhavebeenterrified.Isay“claimed”becauseIthinkitwasclosertothetruththathewasjustacontrolfreakwhothoughtheshouldsavehimselfforsomeonehot.
Sometimestherewouldbeabigdramadepartmentevent,likeapartytocelebratetheopeningofTheRobberBridegroomorawineand
cheesereceptiontowelcomeguestartistAaronSorkin(totallytrue).HandsomeRobertWuhlwouldtakeaprettydatetothepartywhileIattendedwithfriends,andthenhe’dpickmeuplaterforcarsports.Sometimeswewouldjustdrivearound.Wehitadeeronce.
WhywerewejustdrivingaroundtheBlueRidgeMountains?TothisdayIdo
notunderstandwhatthisboywasupto.WasitacontrolexperimenttoseehowmuchboringnothingnessIwouldputupwithbeforewefinallymadeout?Possibly.
Wedideventuallygoonkindofadate.Hetookmetothemalltohelphimshopforapresentforanothergirl,andheboughtmeasandwichatHickoryFarms.“Youcanreallyeatalot,”helaughed
whenIfinishedit.Iwascertainthathewouldeventuallybesoimpressedwithmyabilitytoeatlikeoneoftheguysthathewouldwantmetobehisgirlfriend.
SowhenHRWaskedmecasuallyifI’dliketoclimbOldRagMountainwithhim,Isaidyesimmediately,thenracedhometotellmyroommates.ClearlyIwasveryspecialtohim.Whyelse
wouldheinvitemetoclimbanearbymountain?Theywereskeptical.
ImetHRWthenexteveningathisoff-campusapartment.Yes,theclimbwasgoingtobeatnight.Ididn’tquestionthisbecauseIdidn’tknowanythingaboutrockclimbingandIassumedthatwewereinthisfortheromance.Heintroducedmetooneofhisroommates,JessorChrisor
something.Hewasawirylittleguywhowouldbejoiningusontheclimb.ThiswasnewstobothmeandJess-Chriss.TosayhewasunfriendlywouldbethebiggestunderstatementsincethecaptainoftheHindenbergsaid“Ismellgas.”*Healternatedbetweenignoringmeandshootingmedisdainfullooksthatclearlysaid“Whoisthisuglyoff-brandnon-sororitygirl
ruiningourhomo-eroticbro-times?”
Wedroveoutoftownalittleways,listeningtoPeterGabriel’s“InYourEyes.”HRWplayedthatsongconstantly.Hewasverydeep.DidImentionyetthathealwaysworeasmallshellnecklaceandhetoldmethathewasnevergoingtotakeitoffuntilApartheidended?
ItwasduskwhenwegottothebottomofOldRag,andwhenHRWandJess-Chrissrealizedthatneitherofthemhadbroughtflashlights.Afteraquickdebateaboutwhosefaultitwas,theydecideditdidn’tmatterandweshouldjuststartclimbing.
Thefirstlegofourjourneywasthewalkfromtheparkinglottothebeginningoftheactualtrail.
Itwasaboutamileandahalf.Bythetimewegottothefootofthemountain,Iwasalreadynauseousfromoverexertionandtryingtohideit.Iaskedforsomewater.
“Aw,areyoukiddingme?”Thetwobroslookedblanklyateachother.Theyhadalsoforgottentobringanywater.
Thenext,moredifficult
portionofthetrailwasthe“rockscramble,”afeatrequiringseriousconcentrationtofindafootholdandsafelynavigateup,over,andinbetweenslipperyrocks.Itwasgettingdarknow,buttherewasbrightmoonlight.Itwasdifficult,butIwasactuallyenjoyingthechallenge.Jess-ChrisscontinuedtowishIwasdeadand/orbetterlooking.HRWclimbedahead
ofusboth,showingoff.Ilearnedthatnightthattherearemarkersonthesekindsoftrails,onecolorfortheeasypath,onecolorfortheintermediatepath.Ialsolearnedthatsometimes,especiallyatnight,thesemarkersarehardtosee.
SoonHRWtoldushewas“goingoffthetrail”andhe’dmeetusafterawhile.NeitherJess-ChrissnorIwashappy
aboutthis,butIguessHRWwasjusttoogoodaclimbertobeheldback.Jess-ChrissandIclimbedalonginsilenceforabouttwentyminutes.IfJess-Chrisshadtroublefindingthenextmarkerhecertainlydidn’tgetanyhelpfromme,becauseIwasahikingnovice.Iwaswearingwrestlingshoes,forexample.Jess-ChrisskeptcallingaheadtoHRWto“stopshowingoff”and“stopbeingadick.”
HRW
wouldcallbackthroughthedarkthathejustwantedtotrysomethingandhe’dbebackonthetrailinafewminutes.Andthenweheardit.Agruntandthesoundoflittlerocksrollingdownbiggerrocksandthenasoundlikeabagoflaundrybouncingandscrapingdownyourbasementsteps.Thatidiothadfallenoffthemountain.
Jess-ChrissandImusthavehadthesamethought:“AmIgoingtohavetoexplaintothiskid’smotherhowhedied?”
TINA:WewereclimbingOldRagMountaininthedarkonaweeknight.
MOTHERWUHL:Isthisyourgirlfriend,youngman?
JESS-CHRISS:No.
MOTHERWUHL:Wereyoumyson’sgirlfriend?
TINA:No,ma’am,buthedidoncetellmethatIcouldbereallyprettyifIlostweight.
MOTHERWUHL:Whatthehellwereyoukidsdoingupthere?!
TINA:Well,Ican’tspeakforJess-Chriss,butIwashopingforaleisurelynight-climb
followedbysomeover-the-jeansaction.
JESS-CHRISS:Me,too.Butthenshewasthere.
WecalledfranticallytoHRW.Afterafewminutes,heanswered.Wefollowedhisvoicebackdownthetrailandfoundhim.Jess-ChrissclimbedoutontotherockstohelpHRWovertothetrail.Hewasbangedup,butitwas
somehowdecidedthatweshouldcontinueupthemountain.Thelasthalfmileorsowasnotassteep,andwefinallymadeittothesmoothgranitetop,wherewesatdowntotakeinthebeautifuldarkpanoramaoftheShenandoahValley.HRWmotionedformetositnearhim,andChriss-Jessknewinstinctivelytogositfaraway.Tired,dehydrated,andnauseous,Iwasstillreadyto
trytomakethisworkiftherewasanyfunnybusinesstobehad.ButHRWdidn’ttouchme.Insteadhestaredwistfullyoutatthenightskyandtoldmeaboutthelasttimehe’dclimbedOldRag.Itwastwodaysprior,duringdaylight.HehadbroughthisfriendGretchenuphereforlunch.Hereallylikedher,heconfidedinme.Likedhersomuchthathedidn’tquiteknowwhattodoaboutit.
Aftertheyhadgottenallthewaytothetopandhadthepicniclunchhe’dprepared,heofferedherapieceofTridentgum,andGretchen—hehadtostopandsmileattheadorablenessofthis—GretchenhadaskedhimtotearthepieceofTridentinhalfbecauseitwastoobigforher.“Canyoubelievethat?”hemarveled.AgirlsofeminineandperfectthathalfapieceofTridentwasthe
mostshecouldhandle.
Itriedtoprocesswhatthismeantformyevening.
“So…youandIwillnotbedryhumping,then?”
***
ThewaydownfromOldRagisaforestroad.Wefoundastreaminthewoodsandfinallygotadrinkofwater.
Wescoopeditupwithourhandsanditwasthegreatest,mostsatisfyingdrinkofwaterIeverhadinmylife.“Ohthewater,/Getitmyselffromthemountainstream,”Isangoverandoveragaininmyhead.IwaslisteningtoalotofVanMorrisonatthetime,becauseIwasalsoverydeep.
ItwassunrisebythetimeHRWdroppedmeoff.Asweirdasthenight’sevents
hadbeen,Icouldn’thelpbutbeexcitedaboutthefactthatIhadclimbedamountain.IneverwouldhavethoughtIcoulddothat.Ithinksomeoneshoulddesignexercisemachinesthatrewardpeoplewithsexattheendoftheirworkouts,becausepeoplewillperformsuperhumanfeatsforeventhefainthopeofthat.
AsIcrawledintomybottom
bunk,IthoughtabouthowIhadclimbedOldRag.IthoughtaboutGretchen,thegirlwhocouldonlyaccommodatehalfapieceofgum.“Ihopeyoumarryher,”IimaginedsayingtoHRW,“andIhopesheturnsouttohaveacavernousvagina.”
YoungMen’sChristianAssociation
At5:10A.M.,theeltrain
fromtheMorsestopinChicagototheDavisSt.stopinEvanstonissurprisinglysafeforyoungwhitewomen.TheonlypeopleonthetrainatthathourarePolishwomenontheirwayhomefromcleaningofficebuildingsallnight.TheyshareplasticcontainersofpaleSlavicfoodthatyouknowisbutteryanddelicious.It’sjustpotatoes,rice,meat,andcabbageinanendlessseriesof
combinations.
Myfirstandonlydayjob(sofar)wasattheYMCAinEvanston,Illinois.IhadmovedtoChicagoonHalloweenof1992,pullingintoRogersParkwithpeoplewhippingeggsatmydad’sPontiacinaccordancewiththeholiday.
Ihadneverwaitedtables,andmyattempttolieaboutthatto
themanageroftheSkokie,Illinois,RubyTuesdaywasunsuccessful.“Wheredidyouwork?”“TheCarriageHouseinHavertown,Pennsylvania.”Mymoreworldlyfriendfromhomehadtoldmetomakeuparestaurantandgivethemherphonenumber.“Didyoudohandserviceortrayservice?”“Tray.”Myfriendfromhomehadtoldmetosay“trayservice”becauseit’seasier.“Whatwasyourfavorite
thingaboutwaitingtables?”Myfriendfromhomehadnotanticipatedthisquestion.“Um…thechildren.Waitingoncutekids…Itwasafamily…restaurant.”Gameover.While“thechildren”maybeagoodnonsenseanswerforaMissUniversecontestantoragubernatorialcandidate,anyonewhohaseverwaitedtables—orsimplygonetoarestaurantwithachild—knowsthatchildren
arethesoul-suckingworst.Theytakeallthesugarpacketsoutofthebowl,spillmilkallovertheplace,andtheirwastedmealsonlycostfivedollars,ascomparedtoanicebooze-drinkingadulttowhomyoumightbeabletoup-sellacrispyonion-and-jalapeñocrappetizer.Ididnotgetthewaitingjob.
Iappliedforajobasthenightboxofficemanagerofasmall
theatercompanyinBoystown.Thejobpaidaboutfivedollarsanhourforafour-hourshift,soIwassurprisedtofindthatitrequiredalengthyinterviewwiththeartisticdirectorofthetheater.Ihadadegreeindrama,Iexplained.Wetalked(meaningshetalked)aboutplaywrightswe(she)liked.Itwasbetweenmeandanothergirlforthejob,andsheneededtoknowwhatIhadto
offertheTinyPretentiousTheaterCompanybecause
“WeliketothinkofourselvesasthemostexcitingtheatercompanyinChicago.”Itriedajoke.“Iliketothinkofmyselfasthemostbeautifulwomanintheworld.Butwherewillthatgeteitherofus,really?”
Theothergirlgotthejob.
Mymotherarrangedforafriendtoseemeatadowntownlawyer’sofficeforareceptionistjob.
IworetheelectricbluepolyesterHillaryClintonpowersuitthatmyroommateandIsharedforsuchoccasions.Thehourlongtrainrideandscrambletofindtheexactaddresshadmademelate,andbythetimeIgottotheinterviewIwassweating
myroommate’sBOoutofthesuit.Thestenchofeverydrinkandeverycigaretteshe’dhadthelasttimesheworeitfilledthehigh-endofficeinwhichIinterviewed.
Betweenthesuit,itsboozecloud,andmythickvirgineyebrows,Iwasdeemedunfittoanswerphonesinplainview.Iwasturningouttobecollegeeducatedandunemployableineventhe
mostbasicway.
Thankfully,myelectric-blue-suitmatewasanuninhibitedvaginaabouttown.ShehookedupwithanearlyObamaprototypenamedMarcuswhoworkedattheEvanstonYMCA.Theywerelookingforsomeonetoworkthefrontdeskfrom5:30A.M.to2:30P.M.Igotthejob!EvanstonisthediversesuburbjustnorthofChicago
whereNorthwesternUniversityis.TheYMCAtherewasagreatmixofahigh-endyuppiefitnessfacility,awonderfulcommunityresourceforfamilies,andanold-schoolresidencefordisenfranchisedmen.Itmayalsohavebeentheepicenterofallhumangrimness.
TherewasaresidentnamedMr.Englerwhoworeawig
ontopofhishairlikeahat.HecamedownstairsonceaweektogethisMealsonWheels,whichwereleftwithme.IdevelopedaOneFlewOvertheCuckoo’sNeststyleofprofessionalism.I’vealwaysbeenaZeligthatway.I’mthejerkwhostartstodrawlwhentalkingtoSouthernersandIgetverybutchveryfastwhenplayingorganizedsports.
“Herewego!Handsonknees,ladies!”SowhenitcametotheweirdresidentsattheY,Ileanedrightintotheroleofrespectful,put-uponcaregiver.
“Mr.Engler,yourmealsarehere.”HewouldsaynothingandmakenoeyecontactasheslidthecontainerstowardhimselfwithhisHowardHughesfingernails.“Youhaveagoodday,sir.”Iwould
gobacktofoldingtowelswithstoicdignity,likeMichaelLearnedonNurse.
“Sir,mayIseeyourroomkey?”I’dbarkacrossthelobbylikeayoungBettyThomasonHillStreetBlues.Theresidentsweren’tallowedtohaveguestsupintheirrooms,andeverynowandthenaguywouldcomeinwithafriendwearingabigcoatandahatandyou’d
realizeitwasawoman.Theseborderline-homelessguysweresneakingwomenuptotheirrooms,whichonlygoestoshowthatwomencontinuetocornerthemarketonlowgagreflex.
Notalltheresidentswerecatatonic.TherewasJoethemailguy.JoehadabigwhitemustacheandafriendlyDaffyDuckspeechimpedimentfrommissing
teeth.Hestraddledtheworldsoftheresidenceandtheofficebecausehehadapart-timejobsortingthemail.“Morning,Joe.”I’dsmilelikeMariluHennerinTaxi.“Whath’sup,kid?”Joewouldfireback.We’dgoofonourcoworkersandlaughitupatthememberswhogaveusahardtime.Allthatwasmissingwasthestudioaudienceandaneighty-thousand-dollar-an-episode
salary.
Donnaworkedthephones.Aheavysetredheadedgalwithnomakeupandbigfleshyhands,Donnawashardertoplayopposite.Generally,ifshewascomplainingaboutsomeworksituation,youcouldpassthetimebyagreeingwithher,butithadtobedoneinaspecificway.Allthecomplaininghadtobedonewithveryfewwords
andnodramaticflair.Torantandravewouldbetooshow-offy.Donnawouldnever“holdcourt”andyoushouldn’teither.HercomplaintswerelikelittleWWIItelegramsofbadnews.
DONNA:They’remakingusworkonThanksgiving.
ME:Noway.Areyoukiddingme?
DONNA:Memberswanttoworkout.
ME:Thatsucks.Weren’tyougonnagovisityourdaughterinIndiana?
DONNA:Postponed.
ButdonottrytogetaheadofDonnaandinitiatethecomplaining,nomatterhowsureyouarethatshe’llagree.BecauseDonnawillleave
youhangingeverytime.
ME:Canyoubelievethey’recuttingourlunchdowntohalfanhour,loweringourpaybytenpercent,takingawayourinsurance,andmakinguseatdirt?!
DONNA:Idon’tgotodoctors.Ilikedirtanyway,so…finebyme.
Donnawasanenigma
wrappedinbaconwrappedinacrescentroll.
OneMonday,Donnacameinandsaidthatherhusbandhadhadaheartattackovertheweekend.And,bytheway,shedidn’topenwiththis.Sheslippeditinabouttwentyminutesintohershift.ShesaidherhusbandstartedhavingchestpainsonSaturday.OntheirwaytotheER,hemadeherstopat
BurgerKingbecauseheknewoncehegottothehospital“they’dneverlethimhavethatstuffagain.”Shedidn’tsayanythingelseaboutit,butIcoveredthephonesforheracoupletimesthatdaywhileshewenttothebathroom,presumablytocry.
That’sthemainthingIlearnedinthatjob—howtobeaconsideratecoworker.Coverthephonesfor
someonesotheycanpee.Punchsomeone’stimecardinforthemafterlunchsotheycanstopandbuyabirthdaycard.Helppeoplewhentheirregisterdoesn’taddup.Don’tbeatattletale.
I’mthekindofpersonwholikestofeellikepartofacommunity.Iwillmakestrangebedfellowsratherthanhavenobedfellows.InhighschoolIhadthisfriendfora
whilenamedDawn.WeweresittingaroundmyhousewatchingMTVonedaywhenaTinaTurnervideocameon.OnthestagebehindTinaTurnerwasasetofgiantlettersspellingoutTINA.
DAWN:Wow.Canyouevenimagineseeingyournamethatbig?
ME:Yeah,well,thatismyname.
DAWN:What?Oh.Yeah.
Wecouldraplikethatforhours.
Thepointis,IlikedtheYMCAjobatfirstbecauseIwantedsodesperatelytolikeit.Mydaywasn’twall-to-wallgrimness.Themembersofthegymwereperfectlyniceyuppiesandyoungmoms.
TherewasagorgeousredheadedbabyIcalledBigHeadBobwhobrightenedmydaywheneverhecameinfor“ToddlerGymNStuffNMommyNThangs.”
TheYhadapreschoolattachedtoit,andtheparadeoflittlekidscomingovertoswimwasadorableandlifeaffirming.IdevelopedacrushonashoulderlessyoungpreschoolteachernamedEli.
Hewasacompletenerd,buthehadbigbrowneyesandhewasgreatwiththekids,andremember,whenyouworkinwhatisbasicallyacagethatyou’renotallowedtoleave,yourchoicesarelimitedtowhatstrollsby.
Whichisn’ttosayIdidn’thaveanyotheroptions.Iwas“hiton”byaresidentonce.Hewasaforty-somethingwhiteguywhowasonlythere
foraweekorso.Hetoldusallthathewasintownscoutinglocationsforamovie.Idon’tknowwhatkindofmoviewouldputtheirlocationsscoutupataYMCA,butifIhadtoguessIwouldsayitwasnotTitanic.Anyway,thisguyseemedalmostnormaluntilhewalkeduptomeatthefrontdesk,handedmealittlecardboardbox,said,“Voulezvouscouchezavecmoi?”and
walkedaway.IntheboxwasapacketofSweeTartsandtwousedLindaRonstadttapes.
Needlesstosay,wemarriedinthespring.
ElithePreschoolTeacher—whichiswhathe’dbecalledifthiswereFiddlerontheRoof—wasalsoanaspiringactor,soIinvitedhimtocomeseeastagedreadingof
aplayIwasin.Hesaidyesandthenshowedupwithhisgirlfriend,whowasadoctor.Shehadaboutasmuchpersonalityashehadshoulders.
Isettledintoadailyroutine.Wakeupat4:40A.M.,shower,getonthetrainnorthbytenafterfive.Punchinby5:30.Ilearnedhowlongamorningcanbe.Ifyou’reatworkat5:30A.M.,fivehours
gobyanditis10:30inthemorning.(Ididn’texperiencethatagainuntilIhadanewbornbaby.Itdoesmakeyoufeellikeanasshatforallthosecollegeyearswhenyousleptuntil12:45.)Atmylunchbreak,I’dbuyasandwichfromthemachineinourvendeteria.Apparentlyitusedtobearealcafeteriawith
“thegreatestfries,”butthen
someonedecidedthatwasn’tquitesadenoughanditwasgrim-ovatedintoaroomfullofvendingmachines.
OnFridaysImighttreatmyselftoagreasysliceofpizzaandonionringsatGiggio’sdownthestreet.I’dtrynottothinkaboutthefactthatmyseven-dollarmealwasbasicallyanhour’swages.OnmywaybackandforthImightencounter
Gregory.GregorywasafixturearoundEvanston,well-knownforstoppinganyoneonthestreetandtellingthemhisstory,whichwentlikethis:“Hello,mynameisGregory.Iusedtobeanaccountant.Ihadalovelywifeandfamily.Ihadabighouse.OnedayIhadtogotothestore,butmywifehadthecar.Itookmybike,butIdidn’twearahelmet.Igothitbyatruck.Isufferedahead
injury.Istillhavedifficultywalking.Ilosteverything.Mywifeleftme.Ilostmyjob.Sowhenyourideyourbike,thinkofmeandalwayswearahelmet.”Hisinjuryhadalsodestroyedhisshort-termmemory,sohewouldtellyouhisstoryeverytimehemetyou.
WhenGregorywasn’twalkingaroundtowntellingthisstory,hewascomingto
theYforhisdailyswim.Imethimeverydayforseveralmonths.
Thepeoplewhoworkedupstairsintheofficeswouldbreezebythefrontdesktopickuptheirmessages.Returningfromtheirhourlonglunchesinrestaurants,goingtothebathroomwhenevertheywanted,theofficepeoplehaditmade.Aguyinboxer
shortsneverscreamedatthemthattheresidentloungeTVwasbroken.Theynevergotreprimandedforpeelinganorangewhileworking.Ouronlypoweroverthemwasthatwehadto“buzzthemin”tothefrontdeskarea,andsometimesDonnaandIwouldbuzzittooshortsothey’dpushonthedooranditwasalreadylockedagain.Thesmalljoys.
TheguyinchargeoftheresidencewasabigdoughybaldguywhoselastnamehadmoreconsonantsinitthanIhaveinthisbook.Ialwaysthoughthehadthehardestjob.Hehadtodealwithallofthesegentlemenandwhatevertheircomplicated,depressingbackstorieswere.Heseemedtohavealotofcompassion,buthealsohadtobetoughandkickpeopleoutsometimes.
Unlikethewomenwhoranthefitnessprogramorthechildcareprogram,heexperiencedzeropointzerofuninhisday-to-daywork.EvenatChristmas,whenotherdepartmentsweredoingcraftswithkidsorhavingSecretSantawiththeircoworkers,Mr.Mczrkskczkhadtoorganizeaholidaydinnerinthebasementforallthemenwhohadnowheretogo.
WhenItookthejobatthefrontdeskinearlyNovember,IhadstipulatedthatIhadtohaveoffafewdaysaroundChristmasbecauseIhadalreadybookedaflighthometoseemyfamily.ThisbeingmyfirstChristmasaftercollege,Iwasusedtohavingamonthoffovertheholidays,andcuttingthatdowntoathree-dayweekendalreadyhadmeweepyanddepressed.I’msurethatIinsomeway
screwedDonnaoverbydoingthis,andsheprobablyrantedandravedtoherhusband,“GottaworkChristmas.
Stop.”
Thetwenty-thirdcame.Ipunchedmytimecardandheadedout,excitedtoseemyfamilyandenjoysomemiddle-classcomforts.Onmywayoutofthebuilding,IpassedtheMen’sResidence
ChristmasDinner.Ifyou’veeverwitnessedaschoolbusaccidentoradogtryingtonudgeitsdeadownerbacktolife,thenthesightofthisdinnerprobablywouldn’taffectyou.Butforme,itwaseasilythethird-saddestthingI’veeverseeninmylife.
Theresidentswereatalongtableinthebasement,andMr.MkvcrkvckzwaswearingaSantahatwithhisdingy
suit.Therehadbeensomekindofturkeydinner,becausetheplacesmelledlikegravy,andtheywerejustopeningtheirpresents.AtallgoonykidnamedTimmyheldupapairoftubesocks.
ThereweretubesocksforMr.Engler.Openingtubesocksoverhere,boss!Theyallgottubesocks.Itwasn’tthetubesocksthatgotme.Itwasn’tknowingthatthese
guyswouldgetnothingelseforChristmas.ItwasthethoughtofMr.Mvzkrskchsatthedollarstorebuyingfortypairsoftubesocksthatsetmeweepingallthewayhome.ThiswascompoundedbythefactthatWhitneyHouston’scoverof“IWillAlwaysLoveYou”wasconstantlyonmyFMWalkmanradioaroundthattime.IthinkthatmademecrybecauseIassociateditwithabsolutelynoone.
Afteravisittocivilizationwithmyfamily,Ifoundthefrontdeskhardertotake.
TherewasaricholdguynamedJohnDonnellywhomusthavedonatedabunchofmoney.Hehadforgottenhismembercardoneday,andwhenItriedtoexplainthatitwasafour-dollarfeetoenterwithoutacard,hewentbatshit.“Don’tyouknowwhoIam,goddammit?”Ihad
neverseenhimbefore.
“DoyouknowwhoIam?”Iwantedtosay.“ThenhowcouldIknowwhoyouare?Wedon’tknoweachother.”Mybosspulledmeasideandtoldmetojustgivehimwhateverhewantednomatterhowmuchofaprickhewas.Ifoundheusuallywantedafreeguestpassforwhoeverwaswithhiminsteadofpayingthesixbucks.This
chiselingbehaviorhelpedmerealizethatmostgymfeesareascamandonlysuckerspaythem.Ifoundmyselfpocketingtheoccasionalguest-passmoneyandtreatingmyselftosomeGiggio’s.Whatwashappeningtomymoralcompass?
OnedaysweetgoonyTimmycamedowntothelobbywithadarklookinhiseyes.He
waspacingthelobby,ignoringus.“Heethoffhismedth!”JoeDaffy-Duckedfromthemailroomwhenhesawhim.“Heethoffhismedth!”Joe’sDaffyDuckismspreadintohisbodyasheflittedaroundinapanic.BythetimeIfiguredoutthatJoewassaying“He’soffhismeds,”asin“offhismedication,”itwastoolate.
SweetTimmyhadrushedup
toayoungmominLycraworkoutpantsandblurted,“Iwannasquirtitinyourmouth.”PoorTim,hewasinbigtrouble.Mr.Mrkkkzzzhadtobecalledinearly.Theyoungmotherwasbesideherself.That’sthekindoftroubleyougetwhendiversegroupsofpeopleactuallycrosspathswithoneanother.That’swhymanyoftheworstthingsintheworldhappeninandaroundStarbucks
bathrooms.
IstartedtoseeapatternattheYoungMen’sChristianAssociation.Itwasapowerpyramid.Atthebottomwereallthesedisenfranchisedresidentswhohadtobetakencareoflikechildren,abovethemwereamiddleclassofwomenwhodidalltheworkandkepttheplacerunning,andabovethemweretwoorthreeoftheleast-usefulmen
youevermet.Therewasourcomptroller,Lonny,whoneveronceenteredaroomwithoutsaying,“Arewehavingfunyet?”Heneverwentanywherewithoutfoodonhisface.Andhisexitlinewasalways“There’samillionstoriesinthenakedcity.”Therewastheprogramdirector,whotalkedexclusivelyinnonsensebusinesslanguage:“Weareattemptingtopro-activatethe
communitybyutilizingaseriesofdirectivesintendedtomaximatecommunicativeagreeance.”AttheverytopofthepyramidwasExecutiveDirectorRickChang,whohadnoideawhoanyonewasorwhatanyonedid.He’stheonewhoreprimandedmeforpeelinganorangeatthefrontdesk.
IheardfromDonnathatanofficejobwasopeningupin
theoffice.“Vicky’sassistant’sgoingbacktoschool.Stop.ThinkI’mgonnagoforit.Stop.”IwashappyforDonna.Gettingajobintheofficewouldliterallychangeherlife.
IcontinuedtobestrungalongbyEliNoShoulders—whichiswhathe’dbecalledifthiswereaNativeAmericanfolktale.Henowclaimedtohavebrokenupwithhis
girlfriend.IsatthroughalotofHalHartleymovies.Hedescribedhisplansforaone-manshowaboutCharlieChaplin.Nothingcameofanyofit.
BytheendofJanuary,Ihadstartedtakingimprovclassesatnight.Iwasmakingnewfriends,actualfriendswhowerenotfromplanetGrim.Buttheclassescostmoney,andmy4:40A.M.wake-up
wasgettingharderandharder.OneFebruarymorningwassocoldthattheyclosedschool.Therewasn’tanysnow;theyjustclosedschoolbecausetheydidn’twantkidsdroppingdeadatthebusstop.Iwaitedforthetrainat5:10A.M.wrappedinmultiplehatsandscarvessothatonlymyeyeswereexposed.BythetimeIgottoEvanston,allthebloodvesselsaroundmyeyeshad
burstfromthetemperature.IranintoGregory.HetoldmehisstoryandIassuredhimthatIalwaysworeabikehelmet.WhenIfinallypunchedin,oneofmycoworkersatthefrontdeskwasgigglingaboutsomething.HetoldmethatDaffyDuckJoewastellingpeoplethatheandIwere“doingit.”That’swhatIgotforengaginginsimplepleasantries?Asixty-year-old
hobojerkingittomeupstairs?BeforeIcouldgettooworkedup,Gregorywasnowatthefrontdesk.AsIswipedhismembershipcard,heintroducedhimselftome,toldmehisstory,andsuggestedIwearabikehelmet.RisingtoanIrishboilbehindGregorywasJohnDonnelly,whocouldnotbekeptwaiting.“Takemycard.DoyouknowwhoIamgoddammit?”
Enoughwasenough.IwasgoingtohavetostealthatofficejobfromDonna.Andthat’swheremycollegeeducationfinallygavemetheunfairadvantageI’dbeenwaitingfor.IworejeanstomyinterviewwithVicky.Itwaseasy.DidIhavebasiccomputerskills?Sure,Iwastwenty-two.DidIhaveagoodtemperamentonthephone?Sure.Whatweremycareergoals?“Dothisjobto
payforimprovclasses.”Goodenough.IwentbackdownstairstorelieveDonnaonthephones.“You’reup,”Itoldher.
AsIwatchedhernervouslytrundleupthestepstoherinterview,Iknewitwasnocontest.PoorDonnahadbeenatthefrontdesktoolong.Youcouldsmellotherpeople’sgrimnessonher,likemyroommate’sBOwafting
outofthebluesuit.
Donnawouldhavethrownherselfintothatofficejobwithdeepcommitmentfortherestofherlife.IstayedlessthanayearandbailedwhenIgotajobwithTheSecondCityTouringCompany.
Thatmakesmesoundlikeajerk,Iknow.Butrememberthebeginningofthestory
whereIwastheunderdog?No?Meneither.
TheWindyCity,FullofMeat
ThemostfunjobIeverhadwasworkingatatheaterinChicagocalledTheSecondCity.Ifyou’veneverheardofTheSecondCity,itisanimprovisationandsketchcomedytheaterinChicago,foundedin1959bysome
UniversityofChicagobrainiacs.There’saSecondCitytheaterinChicagoandoneinToronto,andbetweenthetwotheyhaveturnedoutsomemind-blowingalumni,includingJohnBelushi,GildaRadner,DanAykroyd,ChrisFarley,JohnCandy,CatherineO’Hara,EugeneLevy,AndreaMartin,SteveCarell,AmySedaris,AmyPoehler,andStephenColbert.Icouldgoon,butmyeditor
toldmethatwasacheapwaytofleshoutthebook.
ImovedtoChicagoin1992tostudyimprovanditwaseverythingIwantedittobe.Itwaslikeacult.Peopleate,slept,anddefinitelydrankimprov.Theyworkedatcrappydayjobsjusttohandovertheirmoneyforimprovclasses.Eageryoungpeopleinkhakisandpoloshirtswerewillingtodowhatever
teacherslikeDelCloseandMartindeMaattoldthemto.Inretrospect,itmayactuallyhavebeenacult.
Ihadstudiedlegitactingmethodsincollege—Stanislavsky,Meisner,CicelyBerry’sTheActorandHisText—butanyTVcriticwilltellyouthatInevermasteredanyofthem.Improvisationasawayofworkingmadesensetome.Ilovetheideaoftwo
actorsonstagewithnothing—nocostumes,nosets,nodialogue—whomakeupsomethingtogetherthatisthencompletelyrealtoeveryoneintheroom.
Therulesofimprovisationappealedtomenotonlyasawayofcreatingcomedy,butasaworldview.
Studyingimprovisationliterallychangedmylife.It
setmeonacareerpathtowardSaturdayNightLive.ItchangedthewayIlookattheworld,andit’swhereImetmyhusband.Whathasyourcultdoneforyoulately?
WhenIfirststartedworkingatTheSecondCity,thereweretworesidentcompaniesandthreetouringcompanies.Theresidentcompanieswouldwriteandperformoriginalsketchcomedyshows
forpackedhousesinChicago.Thetouringcompanieswouldtakethebestpiecesfromtheseshowsandperformtheminchurchbasementsandcommunitycentersaroundthecountry.Wetraveledbyvantoallkindsofdestinations,fromupstateNewYorktoSt.Paul,Minnesota,toWaco,Texas.
Inthetouringcompanywewerepaidseventy-fivedollars
pershowandatwenty-five-dollarperdiem.Ofcourse,sometimesyou’dhaveashowinKansasfollowedbyashowinTexasfollowedbyanothershowinKansas,soyou’dhavetorideinthevanfortwodaystogettoyourseventy-five-dollargig.Itwasn’tlucrative,butitwasshowbusiness!
Therewerethreetouringcompanies:RedCompany,
GreenCompany,andBlueCompany.IwasintheBlueCompany,orBlueCoaswecalledittobeunbelievablycool.IstillfeelaffectionforthemembersofBlueColikeweservedinthemilitarytogether.SpecificallytheFrenchmilitary,becausewewerelazyandalittlebitsneaky.Forexample,theyoncesentusonatourofTexasandtheMidwest,andthemomentthevanpulled
awayfromthetheater,weallagreedtothrowoutthe“bestof”sketcheswehadbeendirectedtoperformandreplacethemwithourownoriginalmaterial.AmyPoehlerinparticularwastiredofbeinghandeddatedoldblond-girlroleswhereallherlineswerethingslike
“Here’syourcoffee,honey,”or“Mr.Johnsonwillseeyounow,”or“Whattayameana
blinddate?!”
Eachnightwe’dpulloutanoldsketchandreplaceitwithsomethingofourown.MyfriendAliFarahnakian,whoisageniusinmanyways,wroteaveryfunnymonologueabouttheMcDonald’sBigMac.DuringthecourseofthemonologuehewouldeatanentireBigMacExtraValueMealonstage.
Becausethemealwastechnicallyaprop,hemadethestagemanagerbuyitforhimeverynightandhekepthistwenty-fivedollars.ThesewerethekindsofskillsyoulearnedtouringforTheSecondCity.BythetimewereturnedtoChicagotendayslater,the“bestof”showwascompletelygoneandwewereinbigtrouble,exceptwedidn’treallycare.
TheRulesofImprovisationThatWillChangeYourLifeandReduceBelly
Fat*
ThefirstruleofimprovisationisAGREE.AlwaysagreeandSAYYES.Whenyou’reimprovising,thismeansyouarerequiredtoagreewithwhateveryourpartnerhascreated.Soifwe’reimprovisingandIsay,
“Freeze,Ihaveagun,”andyousay,“That’snotagun.It’syourfinger.You’repointingyourfingeratme,”ourimprovisedscenehasgroundtoahalt.ButifIsay,“Freeze,Ihaveagun!”andyousay,
“ThegunIgaveyouforChristmas!Youbastard!”thenwehavestartedascenebecausewehaveAGREEDthatmyfingerisinfacta
Christmasgun.
Now,obviouslyinreallifeyou’renotalwaysgoingtoagreewitheverythingeveryonesays.ButtheRuleofAgreementremindsyouto“respectwhatyourpartnerhascreated”andtoatleaststartfromanopen-mindedplace.StartwithaYESandseewherethattakesyou.
Asanimproviser,Ialways
finditjarringwhenImeetsomeoneinreallifewhosefirstanswerisno.“No,wecan’tdothat.”“No,that’snotinthebudget.”“No,Iwillnotholdyourhandforadollar.”
Whatkindofwayisthattolive?
Thesecondruleofimprovisationisnotonlytosayyes,butYES,AND.You
aresupposedtoagreeandthenaddsomethingofyourown.IfIstartascenewith“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyoujustsay,“Yeah…”we’rekindofatastandstill.ButifIsay,“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyousay,
“Whatdidyouexpect?We’reinhell.”OrifIsay,“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyousay,“Yes,thiscan’t
begoodforthewaxfigures.”OrifIsay,“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyousay,“Itoldyouweshouldn’thavecrawledintothisdog’smouth,”nowwe’regettingsomewhere.
TomeYES,ANDmeansdon’tbeafraidtocontribute.It’syourresponsibilitytocontribute.Alwaysmakesureyou’readdingsomethingtothediscussion.Your
initiationsareworthwhile.
ThenextruleisMAKESTATEMENTS.Thisisapositivewayofsaying“Don’taskquestionsallthetime.”Ifwe’reinasceneandIsay,“Whoareyou?Wherearewe?Whatarewedoinghere?What’sinthatbox?”I’mputtingpressureonyoutocomeupwithalltheanswers.
Inotherwords:Whateverthe
problem,bepartofthesolution.Don’tjustsitaroundraisingquestionsandpointingoutobstacles.We’veallworkedwiththatperson.Thatpersonisadrag.It’susuallythesamepersonaroundtheofficewhosaysthingslike“There’snocaloriesinitifyoueatitstandingup!”and“IfeltmenacedwhenTerryraisedhervoice.”
MAKESTATEMENTSalsoappliestouswomen:Speakinstatementsinsteadofapologeticquestions.Noonewantstogotoadoctorwhosays,“I’mgoingtobeyoursurgeon?I’mheretotalktoyouaboutyourprocedure?IwasfirstinmyclassatJohnsHopkins,so?”Makestatements,withyouractionsandyourvoice.
Insteadofsaying“Whereare
we?”makeastatementlike“HereweareinSpain,Dracula.”Okay,
“HereweareinSpain,Dracula”mayseemlikeaterriblestarttoascene,butthisleadsustothebestrule:
THEREARENOMISTAKES,onlyopportunities.IfIstartasceneaswhatIthinkisveryclearlyacopridingabicycle,
butyouthinkIamahamsterinahamsterwheel,guesswhat?NowI’mahamsterinahamsterwheel.I’mnotgoingtostopeverythingtoexplainthatitwasreallysupposedtobeabike.
Whoknows?MaybeI’llendupbeingapolicehamsterwho’sbeenputon“hamsterwheel”dutybecauseI’m“toomuchofaloosecannon”inthefield.Inimprovthereare
nomistakes,onlybeautifulhappyaccidents.Andmanyoftheworld’sgreatestdiscoverieshavebeenbyaccident.Imean,lookattheReese’sPeanutButterCup,orBotox.
BossypantsLesson#183:YouCan’tBossPeopleAroundIfTheyDon’t
ReallyCare
TheproducerstriedtopunishBlueCobygivingustheworstgigs.PromshowswereheldatoneA.M.afterahighschoolprom,andattendancewasmandatory.Itwasbasicallyawaytokeepkidsfromdrinkingorhavingsexonpromnight,andtheperformershateddoingtheseshowsalmostasmuchasthekidshatedwatchingthem.Imaginehowmadyouwouldbeifyouweremissingouton
atoothyknobjobtowatchsomecultmembersmakeupasongaboutthe1996election.
Therewereotherterribleshows.Brightlylithotelballroomswithbrokenmicrophones.Collegeshowswherethekidswerealldrunk.Charitybuyoutswheretheaudiencewasvery,verysober.
CorporategigsateightA.M.foremployeeswhoweretheretobetoldaboutreductionsintheirhealthcarebenefits.Basically,anytimeyouwereperformingforanaudiencethatwasnottherevoluntarily,itwasaroughshow.
Aftersevenoreightmonthsoftouring,westartedtowonderwhichofusactorswouldgetpromotedtooneof
themaincompanies.TheMainstagecastandthe“SecondCitye.t.c.”castgottostayinChicagoandearnaunionizedlivingwage.Theywoulddeveloptheirownsketchesbyimprovisinginfrontofanaudience,thenkeepingtheideasthathadworkeduntiltheyhadafulltwo-hourshow.Itwasthedreamjob.However,ofalltheplacesI’veworkedthatweresupposedlyboys’clubs,
TheSecondCitywastheonlyonewhereIexperiencedinstitutionalizedgendernonsense.Forexample,adirectorofoneofthemaincompaniesoncejustifiedcuttingascenebysaying,“Theaudiencedoesn’twanttoseeascenebetweentwowomen.”Whaaa?Moreonthatlater.
In1995,eachcastatTheSecondCitywasmadeupof
fourmenandtwowomen.Whenitwassuggestedthattheyswitchoneofthecompaniestothreemenandthreewomen,theproducersanddirectorshadthesamepanickedreaction.“Youcan’tdothat.Therewon’tbeenoughpartstogoaround.Therewon’tbeenoughforthegirls.”Thismadenosensetome,probablybecauseIspeakEnglishandhaveneverhadaheadinjury.We
weren’tdoingDeathofaSalesman.Weweremakinguptheshowourselves.Howcouldtherenotbeenoughparts?Wherewasthe“Yes,and”?Ifeveryonehadsomethingtocontribute,therewouldbeenough.Theinsultingimplication,ofcourse,wasthatthewomenwouldn’thaveanyideas.
I’mhappytosaytheproducersdidjumpintothe
twentiethcenturyandswitchtoacastof
“threeandthree,”andIgottobethatthirdwomaninthefirstgender-equalcast.However,Imustsay,asapointofpride,thatIdidn’tgetthejobbecauseIwasawoman.IgotthejobbecauseAmyPoehlerhadmovedtoNewYorkwiththeUprightCitizensBrigadeandIwasthenextbestthing.
ButthiswasthefirsttimeIexperiencedwhatIliketocall“TheMythofNotEnough.”
WhenIworkedatSaturdayNightLive,IhadafiveA.M.argumentwithoneofour
mostintelligentactresses.ItwasrumoredthatLornewasaddinganotherwomantothecast,andshewasirate.(Infairness,shewasalsoexhausted.ItwasfiveA.M.afterwritingallnight.)Shefelttherewouldn’tbeenoughforthegirlsandthatthisgirlwastoosimilartoher.Therewouldn’tbeenoughscreentimetogoaround.
Irevivedmyoldargument:
Howcouldthisbetrueifwemadeuptheshow?Abunchofussuggestedthattheycollaborateinsteadofcompete.And,ofcourse,that’swhattheydid,withgreatsuccess,oncetheywereactuallyinaroomtogether.Butwheredoesthatinitialpaniccomefrom?
ThisiswhatItellyoungwomenwhoaskmeforcareeradvice.Peoplearegoingto
trytotrickyou.Tomakeyoufeelthatyouareincompetitionwithoneanother.“You’reupforapromotion.Iftheygowithawoman,it’llbebetweenyouandBarbara.”Don’tbefooled.You’renotincompetitionwithotherwomen.You’reincompetitionwitheveryone.
Also,Iencouragethemtoalwayswearabra.Evenifyoudon’tthinkyouneedit,
just…youknowwhat?You’renevergoingtoregretit.
Mydreamforthefutureisthatsketchcomedyshowsbecomeagender-blindmeritocracyofwhoeverisreallythefunniest.Youmightseefourwomenandtwomen.YoumightseefivemenandaYouTubevideoofakittensneezing.Onceweknowwe’rereallyopentoallthe
options,wecanproceedwithWhatever’stheFunniest…whichwillprobablyinvolvefarts.
MyHoneymoon,orASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgainEither*
Myhusbanddoesn’tliketofly.Hedoesflynowbecausehedoesn’twantourdaughtertogrowupthinkingheisaDonKnottscharacter.But
whenwewerefirstmarried,hedidn’tfly.
ImadehimflyoncebeforeweweremarriedbecausehewasofferedafreetriptoVienna,Austria,todirectasketchcomedyshowforanEnglish-languagetheater.IfyouknowanythingaboutVienna,youknowthattheyloveChicago-stylesketchcomedy!*
Anyway,notknowingthenthedepthofhisfear,IbulliedhimintotakingthefreetriptoAustria,assuringhimthatIwouldbewithhimallthewayandtalkhimthroughtheflight.TogettoViennafromChicago,youflytoZurich,dropthroughthebumpyairpocketsaroundtheAlps,land,andthentakeoffagain.Thisistheworstthingforfearfulflyersbecausetheyallclingtothatsamefactnugget
likeRainman:“Mostplanescrashduringtakeoffandlanding!”Weweredoingtwiceasmuchtakingoffandlandingashehadagreedto.Thiswasunacceptable.Hewasmiserabletheentireweekwewerethere,distractedbyworryaboutthetriphome.
IsworeIwouldnevermakehimflyagain.
Justyearslater,weget
married.Marriageleadstoahoneymoon,whichtraditionallyinvolvestravel.
Forourhoneymoon,webookacruisetoBermudabecausetheshipleavesfromNewYork.(Wedon’thavetoflytoMiamitogetonit.)WeboardtheshipfromagianthangarontheWestSideofManhattan.Thereareguysplayingsteeldrumsandhandingyoudrinks.They
don’taskifyouarearecoveringalcoholicorifyouareonanymedicationsthatmightinteractnegativelywithalcohol.Thisismaritimelaw!Yougetadrinkwithoutasking.Afterabrief“musterdrill”wherenoonepaysattentiontowheretheirlifeboatstationis,thefunbegins.Andthefirstfewdaysareprettyfun.
Wehavealittleroomwitha
balcony.Thecouplenextdoorhasabalconyaboutteninchesaway.Theydon’tintroducethemselves,buttheyarecomicallydrunkmostofthetimeandthewifewearsaspanglyAmerican-flagbikini,leadingmetobelievesheisaretiredstripper.
There’sapool,kindof.It’smorelikeabigsloshingkiddiepool,andifyougetin
it,youfeellikeyouaretakingabathwithstrangers.
TherearesomewonderfulFilipinoswhofoldyourtowelsintheshapeofadifferentanimaleverynight.Itmightbeanelephantwearingyoursunglasses,oraduckwearingyoursunglasses.It’sjustfun.Don’toverthinkit.
Therearefunactivities
hostedbyourcruisedirector,whocallshimself“DanDanthePartyMan.”Hehasrecentlyreplacedthepreviouscruisedirector,“PetePetethePartyMeat,”whoreplaced
“GuyGuytheFuntimesPerson,”whohadrecentlydiedofautoeroticasphyxiation.No,thatpart’snottrue!That’sajoke-lie.I’mnotgoingtolietoyouinthisstorybecauseIwantyou
toknowthattherestofitistrue.
DanDanthePartyManleadspoolsidegamesthatinclude:Peoplepretendingtobehorsesinasteeplechase.Adancecontest.Somethingwithbeachballs.
Atmealtimeswesitatanassignedtable.Theothertwocouplesatourtablearemiddle-agedin-lawsfromthe
DelawareWaterGap.RichardandBarbra,BettyandBernie.Wetalkaboutdogbreedsandfishing;myknowledgeofbothtopicsisequal.Weagreethattheship’sfoodisasgoodasanyrestaurantinNewYork(between48thand50thStreetonSeventhAvenue).BettyandBerniesaytheywantedtotakethistripasado-overoftheirhoneymoon.Apparently,theyhadhoneymoonedinBermuda
thirty-fiveyearsagoandthewholetriphadbeenadisasterbecauseBettybrokeherarmfallingoffascooter.“NeverrentascooterinBermuda,”Berniesays.Bettyoverlapshim,“Theyalwaystellyouonthesecruises,don’trentascooterwhenyougettoBermuda.You’renotusedtoit.You’llhaveanaccident.Butpeopledon’tlisten.”Weallagree;peoplejustdon’tlisten.
Whileourlittlesix-topgetsalongfine,weareallsilentlyjealousofnearbytabletwenty,amixofyoungcouplesandstraygayswhoarehittingitoffbig-time.Everylullinourdiscussionof“Germanshepherdswehaveknown”isfilledwithaboisterousdrunkenlaughfromtabletwenty.
Itisworthnotingthatatthistime,Ihadbeendoing
WeekendUpdateonSaturdayNightLivefortwofullseasons.Iamnotrecognizedbyanyone.Well,Iamrecognizedbytheguywhorefillsthesoft-serveicecreammachinebythepool,butnotforbeingonTV,justforlingering.ForO!Thedesserts!
Rowsandrowsofpastrieslaidoutcafeteria-style.Someofthemareunidentifiable
squaresofpinkstuff.
Ithinkwecalleditjunketbackintheseventies.Theydon’ttastegood;butlikeaschoolboyathisfirstcoeddance,Iamdrawnnotsomuchbytheirbeautyasbytheirunlimitedquantities.
OndaythreeIamveryexcitedtoattendoneofourspecialexcursionsforwhichyoupayextra.
WearegoingtogetofftheboatearlyinthemorninginBermuda,wherewewillbegivenbicycles.Wewillrideourbikesaroundtheislandwithaguidetoaspecialsecludedbeachwherewecanswimandhaverumswizzlesandthenwewillbetakenbacktotheshipbyapartyboat.Soundsprettygood,right?
That’swhatIthought,too.I
wouldn’tshutupaboutit.ForweeksbeforeweleftIbraggedabouthowIhadchosenthebestexcursion.Itwasfunandfitnesscombined!Itwasagreatwaytoseetheisland!MyhusbandandIwaitatthedesignatedpickuppointat8:30A.M.Nooneelseshowsup.Aquickcheckofouritineraryrevealstheheartbreakingtruth.Thebiketripwasyesterday.Inmyexcitement,Imemorized
itwrong.Icry.Icrylikeathreeyearoldwhojustwantstotakehertoycashregisterintothebathtub.IcryinawaythatrevealsthatI’mnotfindingtherestofthecruisethatfun.
Thisisdefinitelythelowpointofthetrip,untilthefire.Ohyes,there’sashipfirecominginthisstory.Waitforit.
Oncemyfitness-and-fundreamsaredashed,Istarttoleanhardintothefood.Softserve,hotdogtimeatthepool,anightlyaperitifcalledtheChocolateMudslide,whichisbasicallyatwenty-ouncechocolateshakewithathimbleofBailey’sinit.
Thelastnightofthecruiseisformalnight.Myhusband,whoforlegalreasonsIwillcallBarry,iswearingasuit
thathehadcustom-madeforhimbyaPortuguesetailorinPennsylvania.IamwearingadressthatwasfoistedonmebysomeaggressiveRussiansalespeopleontheUpperWestSideofManhattan.Needlesstosay,wearefeelingverycontinental.Photographerscometothetablesandtakeformalphotosofusall,aswellasnoveltyphotosofusbeingmenacedtablesidebyawomandressed
asapirate.Duringdinnerthereisapassengertalentshow.Andsureenough,thelittlegayfromtabletwentydoesatapdance,cheeredonbyhisnewbestfriends.Thoseassholes.
Afterdinnerwesettleintotheship’sthousand-seattheatertoenjoytheelevenP.M.
performanceofFiestaCaliente.Thehouseispacked
forthismusicaldancecelebrationofLatinpopmusic.Oneofthedancersis“warmingup”onstageaspartofthepreshow,atheatricalconventionthatmyhusbandandIcanappreciatebecausewe’refromNewYorkandknowaboutthings.MyChocolateMudslideisgoingdownsmoothwhenwehearthethreebells.Bing.Bing.Bing.ButinsteadofDanDanthePartyMan,it’sa
woman’svoiceandshe’sbreathingheavily.ShesoundsFilipina,ifthat’sevenathing.“Bravo…Bravo…Bravo,”shepants.“Mainengine.Starboardside.Bravo…Bravo…Bravo.”Wehearthespeakershutoff.Peoplelookaroundalittlenervously.Thedancerwarminguponstagemakesabeelineforbackstage.Withinsecondsthethreebellsareback.Oh,thankGod,it’sourGreek
captain.
“Laydisandgentlemen,thissisyourcaptainspicking.Plissproceedtoyourmusterstations.”ThisisnotwhatIwantedhimtosay.Wegetupandmakeourwaypainfullyslowlythroughthecompletelyfulltheater.
Everyoneisquiet.Whichisthewooooooorst.It’sscarywhenagroupofpeopleall
knowinstinctivelynottojokearound.AnothervoicecomesoverthePA,repeating,“Please,remaincalm.
Pleaseproceedtoyourmusterstations.”TheGermanhalfofmeisthinking,“Shovetheoldpeopleoutoftheway.Shovetheoldandtheinfirm!Iftheyarestrongenoughtoresistyou,theydeservetolive.”
TheGreekhalfofmewantstoscreamatourGreekcaptain.Idoneitherandproceedobediently.
WestopatourcabinalongthewaysothatIcanchangeintosneakers.Ihaveastrongurgetoliedownandpretendthisisnothappening—liketheoldcoupleinTitanic.That’showIwanttogo,ice-coldwaterrisingaroundourspooningbodiesandme
somehowsuccessfullywillingmybodytonap.ItiemySauconys.*“Weshouldhurry,”Jeffsaysquietly.(Damnit,IpromisedmyselfIwouldn’tusehisrealname!)Weheadtoourmusterstation,gratefulthatwewenttothedrill.Womenandchildrenareputtothefront,menintheback.Theyreallystilldothat.IholdJeff’shanddiagonallythroughthecrowd.
We’regoingtobeoneofthosestoriesofacouplethatdiedontheirhoneymoon.We’llbeonthelocalnews.They’llidentifyJeffbythemonograminsidethatsuitjacket.IthinkabouthowhorribleitwillbeifIhavetogetonthelifeboatandleavehimbehind.
Anotherannouncement.“ThisisDanyourcruisedirector.Wehaveafireintheengine
roomduetoaburstfuelpipe.Ourcrewisworkinghardtoputthefireout,andIwillupdateyouasIhavemoreinformation.”Uh-oh.Where’sDanDanthePartyMan?
Ilookaround.Thereareseveraltween-agegirls,intears,girlswhohavenodoubtwatchedTitanicmoretimesthanyouhavelookedatyourownstools.Therearelittler
kidswhoarelaughing,unaware.Therearethedopeswhobroketheirarmsandanklesonscooters(peoplereallydon’tlisten),whoarenowwonderingifitwillcostthemtheirlives.Thewildlydrunkmanfromthecabinnextdoortooursisinfrontofmeinthecrowd.He’ssodrunkthathe’sstandinginthewomen-and-childrensection.
Hecomplainsloudlythatthisisboringandthatweareabunchofassholes.Whenaclearlyterrifiedwomanblurtsout,“Please,sir,bequiet,”heswaysforasecondandthenletsoutalong“Shuuuuutuuuuuuup”thatisfunnynotjustbecauseofitsJackieGleason–styledeliverybutalsobecauseofitsinappropriatenessinasituationwherewe’reallprobablygoingtodie.
Aboutthirtyminuteslater,DanDantheDeathMancomesbackon,sayingthatthankstotheexcellentworkofthefirefightersonthecrew,thefireisout.Wewillbeabletoreturntoourcabinsassoonastherestoftheshiphasbeenchecked.Hesaystheheatfromthefiresetoffeveryfirealarmontheshipandsoeverychambermustbecheckedbeforewecangobackinside.Mostpeopletake
thisasgoodnews.ButI’mtoosmartforthat.Iknowthatextremeheatplusaburstfuelpipemeansthattheshipisgoingtoexplodenow.Whilepeoplearoundmestarttorelax,Ikeepmyeyesonthesea,waitingtoberocketedintoitonawaveoffire.I’llbereadyforittohappenandthatwayitwon’thappen.It’saburden,beingabletocontrolsituationswithmyhyper-vigilance,butit’smy
lotinlife.
Somecrewmemberscomearoundwithcoolersofcolddrinks.Anearbywomantakesasodaandhandsitback,saying,“Doyouhavediet?”IfGodhadasenseofhumor,theshipwouldhaveexplodedrightthen.(Actually,IthinkGoddoeshaveasenseofhumor,asevidencedbysquirrelseatingpizzawiththeirhandsand
thatthingwheresuicidebombersaccidentallydetonatebeforetheygettotheirdestination.)Theshipdoesn’texplode.
Afteranhourorso,we’reallowedintotheloungeandtheygiveoutplayingcards.Peoplearesleepingonthefloor.It’sveryPoseidonAdventure.It’salmostthreeA.M.whenwereturntoourcabin.
Oursunglassesarejustsittingthereonthebed;whatevertowelanimalwaswearingthemhasfledinterror.
Wesleepinourclothes.Inthemorning,myhusband,whoforlegalreasonsIwillnowcallLee,wakesmeupandsaysthatwehaveturnedbacktoBermuda.ThisisoneofthethingsIloveaboutLee,thatheismanlyandold-fashionedenoughtoknow
thatthesunshouldbeonourrightifwe’reheadednorth.TheymustbetakingusbacktoBermudaandflyingushome.Lee’sfaceshrinkswithworry.Ithinkaboutourtablemateswhohadmentionedtheyalsodidn’tliketofly.Mostofthepeopleonthisshipareafraidtofly.MyGod:That’swhythey’rehere.Cruisingitselfisnotactuallyfun!Ispringintoaction.
Theremustbeafiniteamountofanti-anxietymedicationonthisship.Whilemostpeoplearestillasleep,Ifindtheinfirmaryandprocuretwopillsformyhusband.OneforwhentheplanetakesoffandoneforwhenItellhimhe’sright,we’rebeingsenthomeonaplane.
Afterhandingthefirstpilltomyhusband,Rod(Jeff’scomplainingthatLeesounds
toofeminine.
Dammit,Iusedhisrealnameagain!),Iheadtothebusinesscenterandmakeaforty-dollarship-to-shorecalltoletmyparentsknowthatinspiteofwhattheyhaveseenonthenews,we’reokay.Iamsurprisedtolearnthatthiswasnotanewsstory.
Thecrewtriestodownplaytheseriousnessofthenight
before.The“midnightcookingdemonstration,”cancelledlastnight,isnowbeingheldinthehotsunlight.Theguysarebackplayingthesteeldrumsbythepoolbar,butnowthemusicseemscreepy,likewhenchildrensinginahorrormovieorwhenguysplaysteeldrumsonacruiseshipthatalmostsank.Thecrewisglum.Thescuttlebutt(whichactuallyisscuttlebuttandnotgossip,
becausewe’reonaship)isthattheshipisbeingtakenbacktoBermuda,whereitwillbedry-dockedandrepairedforsixmonths.Nowonderthey’realittlehalfheartedaboutthecookingdemonstration;they’realloutofajob.
Ibuyourformal-nightpicturefromthephotocenter.ThatIactuallypayforit,insteadofjusttakingitafterallthis
nonsense,isacredittomyparents.RodandIarelookingtanandgrinningattheladypiratebetweenus.Whatamountofrevisionismwillbenecessaryforthisphototobeanaccuratemementoofourtrip?
IrunintoBetty,Bernie,Barbra,andRichardinthecafeteria.BettyandBerniehaveofficiallygivenuponBermuda.Richardisashen.I
cantellheistheonewho’sterrifiedtofly.“Didyougetsomepills?”Iask.“Theywereout,”hiswifeanswers.
AstheshippullsbackintoKing’sWharf,localwomenandchildrenarecheeringusin.LittletoplessboysarewavingtheirT-shirtsintheair.Nothinggivesyouafearflashbacklikeabunchofstrangerscheeringinsurprisethatyou’renotdead.
TheyputusonacharteredflightbacktoNewYork.Ifyou’veneverbeenonacharteredflightfullofpeoplewhoareafraidtoflywhohavealsobeentraumatizedinthepasttwelvehours,Irecommenditmorethanacruise.It’sprettyfunny.Everyoneisjittery,andwhenthepilotmakestheunfortunatechoiceoftestingthePAsystembysaying,“Bravo,bravo,”youcan
almosthearpeople’sb-holestighten.Acollectivecartoon-mousesqueakofb-hole.
WhatifItoldyounowthattheplanecrashedwhiletaxiingontherunway?Itdidn’t.Wemadeithome,shakenbuttan.
ThemostinterestingthingIlearnedfromthistripcamewhenItoldthestorytomyfriendJames,whohadbeena
performeronacruiseshipyearsbefore.WhenItoldhimthewomansaid,
“Bravo,bravo,bravo,”Jamesfroze.Didshereallysayitthreetimes?heneededtoknow.ThenJameslaiditoutforme.Bravoisserious.Themoretimestheysayit,themoreseriousitis.Themosttimestheyeversayitisfourtimes,andiftheysayitfourtimes,itmeansyou’regoing
downtoyourwaterygrave.So“Bravo,bravo,bravo”wasnotterrific.Interestingfactnumbertwo:Intheeventofanemergency,itistheentertainerswhoareinchargeofthelifeboats.Becausetherestofthecrewhasactualnauticalduties,thekidsfromFiestaCalientearetrainedtomanthelifeboats.Ifyoueverhavetogetonalifeboat,thepersoninchargeofyoursafetywilllikelybea
nineteen-year-olddancerfromTampawhojusthadafightwithhisboyfriendaboutthenewRihannavideo.Jamesalsotoldmethateachlifeboathasagunonitandthatoncealifeboatisinthewater,theperformer–lifeboatcaptainistrainedtoshootanyonewhoisdisruptive.Thisisapparentlylegalinaccordancewithmaritimelaw.
Aboutaweeklater,wegetaletterofapologyinthemailofferingusafreecruiseofequalorlesservalueascompensationthisofferisnon-transferable.I’mprettysuretheonlypeoplewhotookthatofferwerethedrunkguynextdoor,hisstripperwife,andthosedicksfromtabletwenty.ButIshallnotcruiseagain.Luxurycruisesweredesignedtomakesomethingunbearable—atwo-week
transatlanticcrossing—seembearable.There’snoneedtodoitnow.Thereareplanes.Youwouldn’ttakeavacationwhereyourideonastagecoachfortwomonthsbutthere’sall-you-can-eatshrimp.Youwouldn’ttakeavacationwhereyouhaveanold-timeyappendectomywithoutanesthesiawhilesteeldrumsplay.Youmighttakeavacationwhereyourideonacamelfortwodaysifthey
gaveyouthoseanimaltowelswearingyoursunglasses.
“Whatwereyouthinkingwhenwewereholdinghandsdiagonally?”Iask.Jeffsays,“Iwasthinking,‘It’sgoingtobesohardforherwhenshechoosesnottogetonthatlifeboatandstaywithme.’
”
IdecideIcan’tstartthis
marriagewithalie.
“Really?”Isay.“’CauseIwasthinkingthatitwasgoingtobesohardforyouwhenIgotonthelifeboatandyouhadtostaybehind.”Heisappalled.Ipleadmycase.“RememberwhenwesawTitanichowmadIwasatKateWinsletwhensheclimbedoutofthelifeboatandbackontotheship?Ithinksheencumbered
LeonardoDiCaprio.Ifshehadgoneonthelifeboat,thenhecouldhavehadthatpieceofwoodshewasfloatingonandtheybothwouldhavesurvived.Iwouldneverdothattoyou.”
Iwaitforhisresponse,hopingthatinthetwenty-firstcenturyromanticlovecanbedefinedasnotlyingaboutyourplanstogetonthelifeboatandrememberingto
getyourpartnersomepills.Hejustlaughs.Withthatsettled,webeginourmarriedlife.
TheSecretsofMommy’sBeauty
Iknowwhyyouboughtthisbook.OrshouldIsay,Iknowwhyyouborrowedthisbookfromthatwomanatyouroffice.Youwanttoknowmysecretbeautyregimen.I
learnedearlyonthatawomanmustmasterandprotectthe“SecretsofHerBeauty,”butIwillsharewithyoumyTwelveTenetsofLookingAmazingForever.
1)FormGoodBeautyHabitsEarly
“Howdoyoustaysoeternallyyouthful?”“Yourskinissoflawless.What’syoursecret?”peoplealways
askSharonStone.LikemypeerSharonStone,Ihavealwaysfeltthatthesimplestproductsarethebest.SharoncreditshergoodskintoPond’scoldcream(andmaybealittlebitofnature’sownbotulism.Wink!).InmyyouthIwasheddailywithIvorysoapandPrellshampoo.EveryoneknewPrellwasthebestshampoobecauseyoucouldalsouseittocleanafryingpan.Ithen
driedmyhairwithaHotComb.TheHotCombwasasmallvibrating,wheezinghairbrushthatforsomereasonmyfamilykeptinthediningroomcredenza.Maybeitwantedtobeclosetotheelectricknife,sincetheywerealmosttheexactsamemachine.
IfIdidn’thavethetimeforthefullhot-combtreatment—forexample,ifIwasina
hurrytogetoutsideandchoreographapretendPepsicommercialwithmyfriendMaureen—Iwouldstandinfrontofourgiantairconditionerandletitblastmyhairdry.
2)TheRightUndergarmentsAreanEssentialPartofYourSilhouette
Idevelopedbreastsveryearly,aroundnineyearsold.I
developedbreastssoweirdandhigh,it’spossibletheywereabovemycollarbone.Atthatpoint,wearingabrawasnotsomuchaboutholdingthebreastsup,asclarifyingthattheywerenotagoiter.
Mymotherknewtheimportanceofgettingtherightfitforabra,soshetookmetoJCPenneyandtriedoneonovermyclothes.Shetriedabraonmeovermyclothes
inthemiddleofJCPenney.Ithankherforthis.Thisearlybreast-relatedhumiliationpreventedmefromeverneedingtoparticipatein“GirlsGoneWild”inmytwenties.
3)SkinCare,SkinCare,SkinCare!
Makeupcompaniesliketomakeskincareseemcomplicated,butletme
demystifyitforyou.
TheThreeSecretsofGreatSkinareMoisture,SOOTS(StayOutoftheSun),andBeItalian.TheThreeRulesofSOOTSareSunscreen,AWAH(AlwaysWearaHat),andDLO(Don’tLayOut).“Don’tLayOut”isamnemonicdevicefor“DoLotsofOmega3s,”whichcanbefoundinSWaWB(Salmon,Walnuts,andWeird
Bread).
Consistencyisthemostimportantpartofskincare,followedbyWaterDrinking,andbothofthosearelessimportantthanSLEEP(SleepLikeEveryoneElse,Please).
AtthetenderageoffourteenIwasalreadyinvigoratingmyskinwitharigorousdailymassage.Isqueezedandpickedateverypore,
harvestinganyandallgooballs.This,followedbyabracingsplashofSeaBreeze,hashelpedkeepmyporeslargeandsuppletothisday.
Bynineteen,IhaddiscoveredthatRetin-Awasagreatwaytohavelargechunksofyourskinpeeloffandwafttothefloorduringactingclass.
4)Don’tBeAfraidtoTry“OutsidetheBox”SkinCare
Solutions
Ispentmostof1990bargainingwithGodthatIwouldtakeonegiganticlifelongbackzitinexchangeforclearskinonmyface.Whilethisneverworkedout,IdonotatallregretthetimeIspentpursuingit.It’saboutthejourney,people.
5)TheEyesAretheWindowstoWheretheSoul
IsSupposedtoBe
ItaughtMonicaLewinskyeverythingsheknows…abouteyecream.IguessIshouldbackupandexplainthat.Inthespringof1999,IparticipatedinasecretmeetingwithMonicaLewinsky,SNL
producerMarciKlein,andfellowSNLwriterPaulaPell.Marcicalledandaskedhow
quicklyPaulaandIcouldgetdowntoherTribecaapartment.MonicaLewinskywascomingoverandwethreeweregoingtoconvincehertoappearonSNL.ThiswasbeforeMs.Lewinsky’sinfamousBarbaraWaltersinterviewaired.Noneofushadevenheardherspeakbefore.Shewasstillthatenigmaticgirlintheberetwhodidn’tgettothedrycleanersveryoften.
Wespenttheafternoondrinkingwineandeatingwasabipeas.(Wedidn’tevenbuythegirllunch!Whodidwethinkwewere,presidents?)Monicawasbrightandpersonableandveryopenwithus—maybetooopenforapersoninhersituation.I’mjustsaying,LindaTrippmightnothavebeentheintelligence-gatheringmastermindyouthoughtshewas.
Wetalkedaboutthongs,WeightWatchers,andBrazilianbikiniwaxes.(ButyouprobablyknewallthatwhenIsaiditwas1999.)Whenthetopicturnedtoeyecream,Iwantedtotalk,soIsharedtheonepieceofinformationI’dretainedfromthemeanwomanattheLaMercounterinSaks.“You’resupposedtogentlypatitonwithyourringfinger.”Idemonstrated.“Oh,really?”
Monicaaskedwithalevelofinterestandgullibilitythatexplainedalot.Tothisday,IthinkofMonicawheneverIapplymyeyecream.AndI’msureshethinksofme.
6)SpaceLasers
Asyouage,youmaywanttopaysomeonetoshootlasersatyourface.IfyouareafancyladyandliveinafancyurbancenterlikeNewYork
orDallas–FortWorth,yougotoafancydermatologistandtheycoveryoureyesandpointvariousmachinesatyourfaceto“promotecollagenproduction.”Ifyoulivefarfromacity,youcansimulatetheexperienceathomebyhavingafriendhideyourwalletwhileyousitclosetoaspaceheater.Itwillworkjustaswell.
ForawhileIwasgettingmy
“lasermoneyremoval”donebyafancydoctoronParkAvenue.OnedayIwenttoseeaboutsomehormonalacnethatwouldn’tgoawayonmyjawline.Thedoctoreagerlyinjectedthespotwithsteroids,andwithinadayortwotheblemishhadshrunkdowntonormal.
Unfortunately,thesteroidscausedthespottokeepshrinking,andbytheendof
theweekIhadadivotinmyjawthroughwhichIcouldfeelthebone.IwasfuriousandcomplainingaboutitinthemakeupchairatSNL.“MyfaceisalreadyprettybangedupandnowIhaveanotherscartodealwith?!”AmyPoehlercalledtomefromacrosstheroom,“Thedifferenceis…nowyou’repayingforit.”Shewasright.
Ireallyhadmadeit.Wehigh-
fivedaboutitlater.
7)“AWoman’sHairIsHerCrowningGlory”—theguyswhowrotetheBible
Beautyexpertsinthe1970sdeclaredtheshagthe“mostuniversallyflatteringhaircut.”Theshortlayersinthefrontframedthefacewhileirregularlongerpiecesinthebackelongatedtheneck.Ithinkthispictureprovesthem
right.
Findingahairstylistyoutrustiskey.FormanyyearsIworkedexclusivelywiththestudentsattheGordonPhillipsBeautyAcademy.Thesignoutfrontsaiditall—“GordonPhillipsBeautyAcademy,London,Paris,UpperDarby.”Alwaysonthecuttingedgeofbeauty,Ibelievethishaircutwasexecutedbyfoldingmyfaceinhalfandcuttingoutaheart.OfcourseImustbehonest;
thisisclearlyaprofessionalphototakenon“pictureday.”Ididn’tlookthissleekandpulledtogetherallthetime.
8)Q:ButTina,MostofUsDon’tHaveConstantAccesstoaHairstylist.WhatDo
WeDo?
A:FirstofAll,Don’tSpeaktoMeinThatTone.SecondofAll,YouMustLearnto
TameYourOwnMane!
Ifirstfoundasystemthatworkedformeinthemid-eighties.OnceortwiceaweekIwouldsetmyalarmforsixA.M.soIcouldgetupandplugintheHotStix.HotStixwereheatedrubbersticks,andyouwouldtwistyourhairaroundthemandrollitup.Afteraboutfifteenminutes,youtookallthesticksout,andyourhairwas
curledupintightrings(withdryraggedyends).Iwouldstudythecurlsinthemirror,impressedwithboththeapplianceandmynewfoundabilitytouseit.
Then,withoutfail,atthelastsecondbeforeleavingforschool,Iwouldaskmyself,“AmIsupposedtobrushitoutorleaveit?”WhycouldIneverremember?Thatfeelingof“I’mprettysure
thisnextstepiswrong,butI’mjustgonnadoitanyway”ispartofthesamesetofinstinctsthatmakesmesuchagreatcook.
OnsomelevelIknewIwasn’tsupposedtobrushitout,butIcouldn’tstopmyself.
Myhand—grippingthebrushlikeitwasahandtransplantfromamurdererwhohated
beauty!—brushedthroughthecurls,turningthemintoagiantstatic-filledmess.Bytheendofhomeroomitwaspulledintoaponytail,whichreallyworksonme,sothereyouhaveit.
RightafterIgraduatedhighschoolIdecidedtocutmyhairoff.Thiswasmychancetoreinventmyselfbeforecollege.
Afteraharshdisagreementovertheideationalhollownessofsausagecurls,mymotherandIhadendedourartisticexperimentwiththeGordonPhillipsAcademy.Wewerenowgettingourhaircutbymyclassmate’smom,whowasalsoaprofessionalAnnJillianlook-alike.Yes,thefeelingyou’reexperiencingrightnowisjealousy.Thewholefamilywasglamorous
thatway.Ialwaysenviedtheirlivesbecausetheyseemedliketheywerelivinginasitcom.Theywereallblondandgood-looking.ThemomcuthairoutofherbasementsalonandAnnJillian–edpart-time.YoucouldsellthisshowtoCBSjustwiththat!Thedadranarestaurant.Theirunclewasourschool’s“cool”Englishteacher.TheoldestsonwasayoungBonJovitypewhowas
thestarofourhighschoolchoirandwentallthewaytoNewYorkonceaweekforprivatehard-rockvocalcoaching.Themiddlesonwasabrilliant,funny,cuddlygiantwhodrewsardoniccartoonsinthemarginsofthings,andthebabyofthefamilywastheJasonPriestley–leveladorablekidwho,clearly,theproducersofthefamilyhadaddedinthelastseasontoboostratings.I
mean,justlookingatthisfamily,youknewtheyweregoingtomakeittosyndication.
ItwasnaturalthatIwouldtrustMrs.Doyletotransformmeintomynewcollegeself.Iwantedtocutitalloff.Notthecoward’smove,notabob:thefullchoppery.Mrs.Doyleputmyhairintoathickponytail,cutthatponytailoff,andhandedittome.Istill
haveitsomewhereinacardboardboxinmyparents’house.Iknowbecausemymomhasbeenpolitelyaskingmeto“maybespendanhourgoingthroughthoseboxes”forovertwentyyearsnow.
Thehaircutwascroppedcloseonthesides,fullerontop,withtwolongLizaMinnelli–esquewispsthathungdownlikepeyes.Ilovedit.ThenIaskedwhetherwe
neededthewisps,butonceitwasexplainedtomethattheyweremandatory,Iwentbacktolovingit.
Nerdnomore,thisnewcutletpeopleseetherealmethatwasinside—amotheroffourwhowassomehowalsoavirgin.
9)WhenItComestoFashion,FindWhatWorksforYouandStickwithIt
Awisefriendoncetoldme,“Don’twearwhatfashiondesignerstellyoutowear.Wearwhattheywear.”Hispointbeingthatmostdesigners,nomatterwhattheythrowontotherunway,favorsimple,flatteringpiecesforthemselves.
Anyonewhohasnevermetmecantellyouthatfashionhasalwaysbeenveryveryveryveryveryveryvery
importanttome.Forexample,Ioncetoldmycousinthatmydreamwouldbe“ifthewholestoreExpresswasmycloset!”Howprescient,becausenow,ofcourse,IwearnothingbutExpress.
Itcan’tbesaidenough.Don’tconcernyourselfwithfashion;sticktosimplepiecesthatflatteryourbodytype.
Bynineteen,Ihadfoundmylook.OversizeT-shirts,bikeshorts,andwrestlingshoes.Topreventthesilhouettefrombeingtoobaggy,Iwouldcinchitatthewaistwithmyfannypack.IwasprettysureIwouldwearthislookforever.Theshirtsallowedmetoexpressmyselfwithcoolsayingslike“There’sNoCryinginBaseball”and“UniversitätHeidelberg,”thebikeshorts
showedoffmymuscularlegs,andthefannypackheldallmytrolleytokens.Iwasnailingitonadailybasis.Findsomethinglikethisforyourselfassoonaspossible.
10)AManicureIsaMust
OnceImovedtoNewYorkin1997,IdiscoveredthejoysofthequickieKoreanmanicure.Thecityisfilledwithtinystorefrontnail
salonswhereyoucangetamanicure-pedicure,anunderarmwax,andaten-minuteseriesofpunchesintheback,allforunderahundreddollars.Thefirstfewtimesyougo,itcanbeintimidating.Forstarters,youmayforgetthatyouyourselfspeakEnglish.Youenter,smile,andnodatthemanager.“Manicure-pedicure?”“Pickcolor,”shechirpsbackinherKorean
accent.Youpickoutacoupleofthethreehundredshadesofoff-white.“Thisformanicure.Thisfeet.Magazineokay?”Whyareyoutalkinglikethat?Nowthatyou’veraciallyembarrassedyourself,youarereadytosqueezeintoaseatatatinytableandbasicallyholdhandswithastrangerfortwentyminutes.Thatreallyisthecraziestthingthefirstfewtimesyougo,gettingusedtopassivelyfloppingyourhands
intoanotherwoman’shands.It’slikesomethingthey’dmakeyoudoatsummercampasatrust-buildingexercise,Iassume.Ineverwenttosummercamp,asIwasneitherunderprivilegednorJewishnorextremelyChristian,norobese.(ItwouldbeagreatexerciseforsomeonewhothinkstheywanttomovetoNewYork.Sitinanenclosedspacefulloffumesandholdhandswith
astrangerfortwentyminuteswhileeveryonearoundyouspeaksalanguageyoudon’tunderstand.Ifyouenjoythis,youwillenjoythe6train.)
Totakeyourmindoffhowweirditistohavesomeoneelsecleanyourfingers,thereisaseriesoftheatricalperformancesallaroundyou.ToyourrightyoumightfindaNewYorkerspeakinganimatedlyaboutan
apartmentshehasseen.“Itwassick.Youdon’tevenknow.Marbleslabs.”ThemoreNewYorkerslikesomething,themoredisgustedtheyare.“ThekitchenwasallSub-Zero:Iwanttokillmyself.Thebuildinghasaplayroomthatmakesyouwanttobreakyourownjawwithagolfclub.Ican’ttakeit.”Toyourleftmaysitanolderwomaneatingcashewswithonehand
whiletalkingonthephonewiththeotherwhilestillreceivingamanicureandoversharing.“Iknow.Iwascryingaboutitonthetoiletthismorning—*tomanicurist+don’tcutthecuticles,please.”Asyoulistencloser,youwillsuspectthatsheisparticipatinginapaidtherapysessionoverthephone.“Well,youknow,it’saboutsettingboundaries.Hehastobetold,‘Ifwe’regonna
havetheseconversationsitshouldn’tbewhenoneofusisdrunkandtheotheroneishangingupsidedowninthegravityboots.’”Asyoulistenlonger,you’renotsureifshe’sthepatientorthetherapist.“DoIthinkit’sgoodthatyou’reangry?WhywouldIthinkit’sgoodthatyou’reangry?”ThereareneverfewerthaneightTraceyUllmancharactersinanyNYCnailsalonatanygiven
time.
Ifallthisbecomestoomuchforyou,justlookupandfocusontheposterofahandwithlongrednailsholdingaviolinincorrectly.
Beforeyouknowit,yourmanicureisdoneandlookinggreat.Yourfingernailslookhealthyandfresh,andtheshinyvarnishwillhelphidethelittleparticlesofgarbage
andhumanfecesthatallcitydwellersareslightlycoveredin!
11)AgingNaturallyWithoutLookingLikeTime-LapsePhotographyofa
RottingSparrow
Atacertainpointyourbodywantstobedisgusting.Whileyourteensandtwentieswereaboutidentifyingand
emphasizingyour“bestfeatures,”yourlatethirtiesandfortiesareaboutfightingbackdecay.Youpluckyourpatchybearddaily.Yourbigtoemaystarttoturnjauntilyinward.Overnightyoumaygrowonelongstraightwhitepubichair.Notthatthishashappenedtome,ofcourse,becauseeverysixmonthsIgetaveryexpensiveJapanesetreatmentthatturnsmypubichairclearlikericenoodles.
Weallmentallyprepareourselvesforwrinkles,butwrinklesarenottheproblem.It’stheunexpectedgrosseries.
Forexample,yourmouth.DearGod,yourmouth.Nomatterhowdiligentyouareaboutbrushingandflossing—whichisneverdiligentenoughforthatshow-offdentalhygienistofyours—atsomepointyoustartwaking
upeverydaywithamouththatsmellslikeasnailleftinthesun.Youcanfixitassoonasyougetup—youbrushandusemouthwash—butthere’ssomethingaboutknowingyouwokeupwithhot-mothballmouththatmakesyoufeelold.
IthinkGoddesignedourmouthstodiefirsttohelpusslowlytransitiontothegrave.ButIamabigbelieverin
“IntelligentDesign,”andbythatImeanIloveIKEA!
12)TheMostImportantRuleofBeauty
Ifyouretainnothingelse,alwaysrememberthemostimportantRuleofBeauty.“Whocares?”
RemembrancesofBeingVeryVerySkinny
Forabrieftimeattheturnofthecentury,Iwasveryskinny.ThisiswhatIrememberaboutthatperiod.
Iwascoldallthetime.
Ihadapairofsize-fourcorduroyshortshorts.ThatIwore.Towork.InthemiddleofManhattan.
IloveditwhenpeopletoldmeIwasgettingtoothin.
Ioncetookabagofslicedredpepperstothebeachasasnack.
IregularlyatehealthfoodcookiessodisgustingthatwhenIenthusiasticallygaveonetoRachelDratchshedrewapictureofarabbitandbrokethecookieintoatrailoftinypiecescomingoutoftherabbit’sbutt.
MenIhadmetbefore
suddenlypaidattentiontome…andIhatedthemforit.
SometimesIhadtosleepwithapillowbetweenmylegsbecausemybonykneesclankingtogetherkeptmeawake.
IhadalotoftimeonmyhandsbecauseIwasn’tconstantlyeating.
Iranthreemilesadayona
treadmillsixdaysaweek.
Ifeltwonderfullysuperiortoeveryone.
Ididn’thaveakidyet.
Weshouldleavepeoplealoneabouttheirweight.Beingskinnyforawhile(providedyouactuallyeatfoodanddon’ttakepillsorsmoketogetthere)isaperfectlyfinepastime.Everyoneshouldtry
itonce,likeasuper-shorthaircutordatingawhiteguy.
RemembrancesofBeingaLittleBitFat
ForabrieftimeattheendofthatlastcenturyIwasoverweight.ThisiswhatIrememberaboutthatperiod.
Myboobswerebigger.
Ionceleftarestaurantinthe
middleofdesserttogettoKrispyKremebeforeitclosed.
EventhoughIonlylikedMcDonald’sfries,Ibelieveditwasmorenutritioustomakeamealofitandhavetwocheeseburgersaswell.
IfIwasreallyambitious,IwouldgetaWhopperJr.atBurgerKingandthenwalktoMcDonald’stogetthefries.
Theshakecouldbefromanywhere.
Icouldnotrunamile.
Iworeoversizemen’soverallsthatIloved.
Guyswhowerefriendswithmedidnotwanttodateme…andIhatedthemforit.
Onatleastthreeoccasions,IvomitedonChristmasEve
frommixingchocolate,peel-and-eatshrimp,summersausage,andcheese.Noalcoholwasinvolved.
Asasizetwelve,ItookprideintheideathatIwas“realwoman”–sized.“Sizetwelveisthenationalaverage,”Iwouldboast,“nomatterwhatmagazinestrytotellyou.”
Once,whileironinginmyunderwear,Igrazedmy
protrudingbellywiththehotiron.
Weshouldleavepeoplealoneabouttheirweight.Beingchubbyforawhile(providedyoudon’tgiveyourselfdiabetes)isanaturalphaseoflifeandnothingtobeashamedof.LikepubertyorslowlyturningintoaRepublican.
AChildhoodDream,
Realized
(NottheOneWhereI’mBeingChasedbyCountChocula)
In1997IflewtoNewYorkfromChicagotointerviewforawritingpositionatSaturdayNightLive.ItseemedpromisingbecauseI’dheardtheshowwaslookingtodiversify.Onlyincomedy,bytheway,doesanobedient
whitegirlfromthesuburbscountasdiversity.IcameformyjobinterviewintheonlydecentclothesIhad—my“showclothes”fromTheSecondCity.BlackpantsandalavenderchenillesweaterfromContempoCasuals.IwenttothesecurityguardattheelevatorandIheardmyselfsay,
“I’mheretoseeLorneMichaels.”Icouldn’tbelieve
thewordsthatwerecomingoutofmymouth.“I’mheretoseeLorneMichaels.”Iwaslivingoneofmydreams.Thismustbehowpeoplefeelwhentheyreallydogotoschoolnakedbyaccident.
Iwentuptotheseventeenth-flooroffices,whichwerelinedwitharchivalphotosfromtheshow—JaneCurtinrippinghershirtopenonWeekendUpdate,Gilda
RadnerandCandiceBergeninaBeachBlanketBingosketch,AlFranken’sheadshot!ThenIsatonacouchandwaitedformymeetingwithLorne.Aboutanhourintothewait,theassistantsstartedmakingpopcorninamovietheaterpopcornmachine—somethingIwouldlaterlearnsignaledLorne’simminentarrival.Tothisdaythesmelloffreshpopcorncausesmetoexperience
stress,hunger,andsketchideasforJohnGoodman.
TheonlyadviceanyonehadgivenmeaboutmeetingwithLornewas“Whateveryoudo,don’tfinishhissentences.”AChicagoactressIknewhadapparentlymadethatmistakeandshebelieveditcostherthejob.WhenIwaseventuallyusheredintohisoffice,Isatdown,determinednottoblowit.
Lornesaid,“Soyou’refrom…”
Itseemedtohangthereforever.Whywasn’thefinishingthequestion?IfIanswerednow,wouldthiscountasmytalkingoverhim?Icouldn’trememberhownormalhumanspeechpatternsworked.Anotherfivesecondswentby,andstillnomoresentencefromLorne.Oh,God.WhenIflewback
toChicagothenextdaytheyweregoingtosay,“HowwasyourmeetingwithLorneMichaels?”AndIwouldreply,“Hesaid‘Soyou’refrom’andthenwesatthereforanhourandthenagirlcameinandaskedmetoleave.”
Afterwhatwasprobably,realistically,tenseconds,Icouldn’ttakeitanymoreandIblurtedout,
“Pennsylvania.I’mfromPennsylvania,asuburbofPhiladelphia,”justasLornefinallyfinishedhisthought,“Chicago.”IwassureIhadblownit.Idon’trememberanythingelsethathappenedinthemeetingbecauseIjustkeptstaringatthenameplateonhisdeskthatsaid“LorneMichaels”andthinking,“ThisistheguywiththeBeatlescheck!”Icouldn’tbelieveIwasinhisoffice.I
couldhaveneverguessedthatinafewyearsI’dbesittinginthatofficeattwo,three,fourinthemorning,thinking,“Ifthismeetingdoesn’tendsoon,I’mgoingtokillthisCanadianbastard.”Somehow,Ihadgottenthejob.
DuringmynineyearsatSaturdayNightLive,myrelationshipwithLornetransitionedfrom
“TerrifiedPupilandReluctantTeacher”to“Small-TownGirlandStreetwiseMadamShowingHertheRopes”to“AnnieandDaddyWarbucks(touringcompany)”tooneofmutualrespectandfriendship.
Thenittransitionedto“SullenTeenageGirlandGenerousStepfather,”thento“Mr.andMrs.MichaelJackson,”then,forabrief
period,to“BoyWhoDoesn’tBelieveinChristmasandRecluseNeighborWhoProvesthatMiraclesArePossible,”thenbacktomutualrespectandfriendshipagain.
I’velearnedmanythingsfromLorne,inparticularamanagerialstylethatwastheoppositeofBossypants.
ThingsILearnedfrom
LorneMichaels
1)“Producingisaboutdiscouragingcreativity.”
ATVshowcomprisesmanydepartments—Costumes,Props,Talent,Graphics,SetDressing,Transportation.Everyoneineverydepartmentwantstoshowofftheirskillsandcontributecreativelytotheshow,whichisablessing.You’regratefultoworkwith
peoplewhoaretalentedandenthusiasticabouttheirjobs.Youwouldthinkthatasaproducer,yourjobwouldbetochurnupcreativity,butmostlyyourjobistopoliceenthusiasm.YoumayhaveanoccasionwherethescriptcallsforabranmuffinonawhiteplateandthePropsDepartmentshowsupwithabrancakeintheshapeofSantaClaussittingonasilverplatterthatsays“Welcometo
Denmark.”“Wejustthoughtitwouldbefunny.”
AndyouhavetofindapolitewaytoexplainthatthecharacterisJewish,sohereatingSanta’sfacemighthavenegativeconnotations,andthesilvertray,whilebeautiful,isgivingaweirdglareoncameraandmaybelet’sgowiththebranmuffinonthewhiteplate.
AndthensometimesActorshavewhattheycall“ideas.”Usuallyitinvolvesthemtalkingmore,or,inthecaseofmoreexperiencedactors,sittingmore.WhenActorshaveideasit’sveryimportanttogettothecorereasonbehindtheiridea.
Istheresomethingyou’reaskingthemtodothat’smakingthemuncomfortable?Aretheybeingaskedtobare
theirmidrifformakeoutwithaDickCheneylook-alike?(Fortherecord,Ihaveaskedactorstodoboth,andtheywerecompletelygame.)Ratherthansay,“I’muncomfortablebreast-feedingagrownmanwhoIjustmettoday,”theactormayspeakincodeandsaysomethinglike“Idon’tthinkmycharacterwoulddothat.”Or“I’vehurtmybackandI’mnotcomingoutofmy
dressingroom.”Youhavetorememberthatactorsarehumanbeings.Whichishardsometimesbecausetheylooksomuchbetterthanhumanbeings.Istheresomeoneintheroomtheactoristryingtoimpress?Thisisabigoneandshouldnotbeoverlooked.Ifamaleactorisgivingyouahardtimeaboutsomething,youmustimmediatelyscantheareaforprettyinterns.
2)“Theshowdoesn’tgoonbecauseit’sready;itgoesonbecauseit’s11:30.”
ThisissomethingLornehassaidoftenaboutSaturdayNightLive,butIthinkit’sagreatlessonaboutnotbeingtoopreciousaboutyourwriting.Youhavetotryyourhardesttobeatthetopofyourgameandimproveeveryjokeyoucanuntilthelastpossiblesecond,andthenyou
havetoletitgo.
Youcan’tbethatkidstandingatthetopofthewaterslide,overthinkingit.Youhavetogodownthechute.(AndI’mfromagenerationwherealotofpeoplediedonwaterslides,sothiswasanimportantlessonformetolearn.)Youhavetoletpeopleseewhatyouwrote.Itwillneverbeperfect,butperfectisoverrated.Perfectisboring
onliveTV.
WhatIlearnedabout“bombing”asanimproviseratSecondCitywasthatbombingispainful,butitdoesn’tkillyou.Nomatterhowbadlyanimprovsetgoes,youwillstillbephysicallyalivewhenit’sover.WhatIlearnedaboutbombingasawriteratSaturdayNightisthatyoucan’tbetooworriedabout
your“permanentrecord.”Yes,you’regoingtowritesomesketchesthatyouloveandareproudofforever—yourgoldennuggets.Butyou’realsogoingtowritesomerealshitnuggets.Andunfortunately,sometimestheshitnuggetswillmakeitontotheair.Youcan’tworryaboutit.Aslongasyouknowthedifference,youcangobacktopanningforgoldonMonday.
That’swhatwassogreataboutWillFerrell.Hewoulddosketchesthatwereabsolutelyhisvoiceandwhat(Iassume)helovedmost—BillBrasky,RobertGoulet,andCowbell—buthewouldcommitjustasfullytotap-dancingnexttoKatieHolmesinthemonologue.He’stheMichaelCaineofsketchcomedy.
Hecouldbeinsomething
awfulanditwouldneversticktohim.
3)Whenhiring,mixHarvardNerdswithChicagoImprovisersandstir.
ThewritingstaffofSaturdayNightLivehasalwaysbeenamixofhyperintelligentHarvardBoys*
(JimDowney,AlFranken,ConanO’Brien)andgifted,
visceral,funperformers(JohnBelushi,GildaRadner,JanHooks,HoratioSanz,BillMurray,MayaRudolph).Lornesomehowknewthattoomanyofoneortheotherwouldknocktheshowoutofbalance.Togeneralizewithabandon,ifyouhadnothingbutHarvardguys,thewholeshowwouldbecommercialparodiesaboutpeoplewearingbarrelsafterthe1929stockmarketcrash.
“Flendersen’sPovertyBarrels,ReplacingClothesDespiteBeingMoreExpensivesince…RightNow.FormerlyknownasFlendersen’sPicklesandSuspenders:ASemioticExegesisofJazzAgeExcessandtheFailingsoftheShermanAntitrustAct.”
Ifyouhadnothingbutimprovisers,thewholeshowwouldbelouddragcharacters
namedVickiandStaciscreamingtheircatchphraseoverandover,“YOUKISSYOURMUTHAWITHTHATFACE?”
HarvardBoysandImprovPeoplethinkdifferentlybecausetheircomedyupbringingissodifferent.Ifyou’reattheHarvardLampoon,sittinginacastlewithyourfriends,youcanperfectapieceofwritingto
beexactlywhatyouwantandyoucanavoidthefeelingofred-hotflopsweat.Especiallybecauseyouwon’tevenbetherewhensomeonereadsit.Butwhenyou’reimprovisingeightshowsaweekinfrontofdrunkmeat-eatingChicagoans,youwillexperiencehighsandlows.Youwillbeheckled,or,worse,youwillhearyourownheartbeatovertheaudience’ssilence.Youwill
bebombingsohardthatyouwillbeabletohearaladyinthebackputherguminanapkin.YoumayhaveapointtomakeaboutthehealthcaresysteminAmerica,butyou’llfindoutthatyouneedtopresentthatideathroughalegallyblindbusdrivercharacterorasanexoticdancerwhoseboobsarerunningformayor.(Iwouldliketoseethatsketch,actually.)Ultimately,youwill
dowhateverittakestowinthataudienceover.
HarvardIsClassicalMilitaryTheory,ImprovIsVietnam.
ThisisalltomakethecasethatHarvardboysandSecondCity/Groundlingspeoplemakebeautifulcomedymarriages.TheHarvardguyskeeptheImprovisersfromwallowinginschmaltz.(SteveHigginsusedtojoke
thateverySecondCitysketchendedwithsentimentalmusicandsomeonesaying,“Iloveyou,Dad.”)
TheHarvardguyscheckthelogicandconstructionofeveryjoke,andtheImprovisersteachthemhowtobehuman.It’sSpockandKirk.(Iguessifyouwanttotieallmymetaphorstogether,itwouldbeSpockwearingabaldricandstayingupall
nighttowriteatalkshowsketchwithamentallyravagedRamboKirk.)
ItriedtoapplyLorne’slessonwhenstaffing30Rock,andithasworkedwellsofar.OurcurrentstaffmakeupisfourHarvardnerds,fourPerformer-turned-writers,tworegularnerds,andtwodirtbags.
4)“Televisionisavisual
medium.”
Lornehassaidthistomealot.Itbasicallymeans“Gotobed.Youlooktired.”Youmaywanttobediligentandstayupwiththewritersallnight,butifyou’regoingtobeontheshow,youcan’t.Your
“streetcred”withthestaffwon’thelpanybodyifyoulooklikeacadaveron
camera.Also,don’tbeafraidtomakethemgetyourhair,makeup,andlightingright.It’snotvanity,becauseifyoulookweird,itwilldistractfromwhatyou’retryingtodo.Ifyoulookasgoodasyoucan,peoplewillbeabletopayattentiontowhatyou’reactuallysaying.
5)“Don’tmakeanybigdecisionsrightaftertheseasonends.”
Thisisthesameadvicetheygivepeoplewho’vejustcomeoutofrehab.Afteragruelingperiodofwork(orwhatpassesforgruelingworkinoursoft-handedworld)youwillcravesomekindofreward.
Don’tletthiscauseyoutorushintoabigdecision,likeanewhouseoramarriageorpartialownershipofaminorleaguebaseballteam,thatyou
maylaterregret.Theinterestingthingaboutthispieceofadviceisthatnooneevertakesit.
6)“Nevercuttoacloseddoor.”
LornesighedthisonceinexasperationoversomesketchIcan’tremember.Thedirectorhadcuttoadooramomenttooearly,beforetheactorentered,andLornefelt
we“losttheaudience”inthatmoment.Thiscanmeanalotofthings:Comedyisaboutconfidence,andthemomentanaudiencesensesaslipinconfidence,they’renervousforyouandtheycan’tlaugh.Lornewouldhavepreferredthatthecameracutfollowthesoundoftheactorknockingonthedoor.Whichistosaythatthesketchshouldleadthecuttingpattern,whichistosaycontentshoulddictate
style,whichistosaythatinTV
thewriterisking.
Initsmostextrapolatedversion,Ithink“Nevercuttoacloseddoor”means“Don’tforgetaboutshowmanship.”Maketheentrancewell-timedandexciting.MakethesetlookprettyatChristmastime.
Addsomedancers!There’s
noharminthingslookingfun,andyoudon’tgetextracreditforkeepingthingsindieandgrim.
Or—andthisisadistinctpossibility—itdoesn’tmeananythingandhewasjustinagrouchymood.
7)“Don’thireanyoneyouwouldn’twanttorunintointhehallwayatthreein
themorning.”
Thisoneisincrediblyhelpful.Weworklonghoursattheseshows,andnomatterhowfunnysomeone’swritingsampleis,iftheyaretootalkativeorneedyorangrytodealwithinthemiddleofthenightbytheprinter,steerclear.ThatmustbehowIgotthroughthatfirstjobinterview.Iwasnotdynamic,butatleastIwasn’tnuts.
8)Nevertellacrazypersonhe’scrazy.
Whileneverstatedovertly,thisseemstobeLorne’spractice.ThereweremanytimesinmynineyearsattheshowwhenIcouldn’tunderstandwhyLornewouldn’tjusttellpeopleto“knockitoff.”
Eccentricwriterswouldturninsketchesthatwere
seventeenminuteslong;immatureperformerstriedfitsandtearswhentheirsketchwaslaterintheshowthanthey’dlike.Myeveryterribleinstinctwouldhavebeentopulltheseculpritsasideandscoldthemlikeaschoolmarm.“Pleaseexplaintomewhyyoursketchshouldgettobethreetimeslongerthaneveryoneelse’s.Whywon’tyoutaketheperfectlyreasonablecutsIsuggested?”
“Howdareyoupitchafitaboutwhattimeyoursketchison?Somepeopledidn’tgettobeintheshowatall.Doyouthinkyou’reworkingharderthaneveryoneelse?We’reallworkinghard!”ButthereisnotonemanagementcourseintheworldwheretheyrecommendSelf-Righteousnessasatool.
Lornehasanindirectandveryeffectivewayofdealing
withthecrazies.ItisbestdescribedbytheoldjokethatmostpeopleknowfromAnnieHall.Amangoestoapsychiatristandsays,“Mybrother’sgonecrazy.Hethinkshe’sachicken.”Andthepsychiatristsays,“Haveyoutoldhimhe’snotachicken?”Themanreplies,“Iwould,butweneedtheeggs.”Lorneknowsthatthemostexhaustingpeopleoccasionallyturnoutthebest
stuff.HowdoIexplainthepresenceofcrazypeopleonthestaffifwe’refollowingRule#7?Easily:Thesecrazypeoplearecharmingandbrilliantandgreatfuntoseeatthreeinthemorning.Also,somepeoplearriveattheshowsaneandtheshowturnsthemcrazy.
Infairnesstoothers,Iwillusemyselfasanexample.InOctober2001,Manhattanwas
atenseplacetowork.ButweallcontinuedtoworkbecauseitseemedliketheChurchillianthingtodo.OneFridaymorningIwassittinginmytinydressingroomat30RockefellerPlaza,tryingtowritejokesforWeekendUpdate.Iwasreadingathickpacketofnewspaperclippings,lookingforsomethingfuntosayaboutAfghanistan,theTaliban,SaddamHussein,theanthrax
postaldeaths:Itwasgrim.Then,ontheTV
hanginginthecorner,LesterHoltcameonMSNBCandsaid,“Breakingnews.Anthraxhasbeenfoundat30RockefellerPlaza.CDCofficialsareinvestigatingthepotentiallydeadlysubstance,whichwasfoundinasuspiciouspackageaddressedtoNBCNightlyNewsanchorTomBrokawandmailedto
hisofficesin30
RockefellerPlaza.”IfyouhavedecentreadingcomprehensionskillsyouwillrememberfromthebeginningofthisparagraphthatI,too,wasat30RockefellerAnthraxPlaza.Not45RockefellerPlaza.
Not1661SixthAvenue.30RockefellerPlaza.“Nope,”Ithought.“Igiveup.”Iputon
mycoat,walkeddownstairspastmyfriendsandcoworkerswithoutsayinganything.Iwalkedrightpastthehostforthatweek,sweetDrewBarrymore,withouttellingherwhatIhadheard.Ijustwenttotheelevatorandleft.IwalkedupSixthAvenuetoCentralParkWest.IwalkedupCentralParkWestto96thStreetandacross96thStreettomyapartmentonWestEnd
Avenue,whereIwouldwaittodie.
Severalhourslater,Lornecalledandsaidgently,“We’reallhere.YouandDrewaretheonlyoneswholeft…andDrewcamebackafewhoursago,so…We’reorderingdinner,ifyouwanttocomebackin.”Itwasthemostgentle,non-Bossypantswayofsaying“You’reembarrassingyourself.”Igot
backtoworkthateveningjustintimetofindeveryoneassembledonthestudiofloor.AndyLack,theheadofNBCNews,wasaddressingthecrewinanemergencybriefing.Onceagain,nothingiscreepierthanabunchofadultsbeingveryquiet.Mr.Lackexplainedthattheenvelopewasfoundinthethird-floorNBCNewsoffices,sotheCDCwouldbe“swabbing”workersfromthe
secondfloortothesixthfloor,justtobesafe.(Rememberallthosefuncatchphrasesfrom2001?“Swabbing,”“Cutaneous,”
“Cipro,”“IamZoolander.”)Someofourcameraguyswereiratethatweontheeighthfloorwouldnotbeswabbed.TheyoccasionallyfilledindowninNews.Thediscussiongotheated.AsIwatchedfromtheaudience
balcony,Irememberfeelingtremendousaffectionforeveryonethere.Ifeltlikewewereafamilyandthatifwehadtogo,atleastwe’dallgotogether.IguessIforgotthatjustafewhoursearlierIhadbookeditoutofthere,leavingthemalltodie.IhaveauniquelyGermancapacitytovacillatebetweensentimentalityandcoldness.
Thepointis,Lornedidnotdo
whatIwouldhavedone,whichistosay,“You’rebeingcrazy.Getbackinhere.Everyoneelseishere.Doyouthinkyou’remoreimportantthaneverybodyelse?”Healsodidn’tcoddleme,whichiswhatIwouldhavedoneifIweretryingtoovercompensateformynaturalsternness.“Areyouokay?Ifyouneedtotakeacoupledaysoff,I’msurewecanmanage,blah,blah,
blah.”
Instead,hefoundawayformetoslipbackinthedoorlikemymentalbreakdownneverhappened.“We’reorderingdinner.Whatdoyouwant?”
Heknewhowtogettheeggs.
PeeinginJarswithBoys
Myfirstshowasawriterat
SaturdayNightLivewasSeptember27,1997.ThehostwasSylvesterStallone.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadeverseenarealmoviestarupclose.Realmoviestarsdolookdifferentfromregularpeople.Theyareoftenalittlesmallerandusuallyhavenicerteeth,shoes,andwatchesthananyoneelseintheroom.Mr.Stallonesmokedacigarduringthehostmeeting,whichwasprettybadass.I
don’trememberwhatsketchideasIpitchedinthatfirstmeeting,butIknowthatonthatfirstwritingnight,Icompletelyfrozeup.IsatatmycomputerfromoneP.M.TuesdayafternoonuntilnineA.M.Wednesdaymorningandnothingcameout.Iwasn’tusedtosittingbymyselfandwriting.I’dbeenimprovisingwithfiveotherpeopleeverynightfortwoyears.Iendedupsubmitting
anoldsketchthatIhadwrittenaspartofmyjobapplication.
Needlesstosay,mysketchdidn’tgetpickedfortheshow,butIwasassignedtohelp“cover”asketchthatCheriOterihadwrittenwithanotherwriter.Writersareoftenassignedtohelpproducesketchesthattheperformerswrite.IfollowedCheriandwriterScottWainio
aroundthroughrehearsal,occasionallypitchingjokesforthesketchthatwere(rightfully)ignored.Duringthedressrehearsal,Lornegaveusthenotethathecouldn’tunderstandStalloneinthesketchandweshouldaskhimtoenunciatemore.Istoodnervouslyoutsidethehost’sdressingroomwithScottWainio.Hehadbeenthereayearalready,soIfiguredhe’dknowwhatto
do.Scott’sexperiencelevelwasevidentwhenhelookedatmeandshrugged.“Youtellhim.”
MytrademarkobediencekickedinandIfoundmyselfknockingonthedoorandbeingusheredin.JudgeDreddhimselfwasonthecouchinanundershirt,smokinganothercigar.Helookedupatme.Imuttered,“IntheRitasketch,youwere
alittlehardtounderstand.Canyoujustenunciatealittlemore?”Stallonewasunfazed.“Youcannunnastanme?Youneemenanaunciatemaw?Okay.”Hecouldn’thavebeenmoreeasygoingaboutit.Myguessisthatthiswasnotthefirsttimeinhiscareerhehadbeengiventhatnote.Iwentbackoutsideandmanuallyreleasedmybuttcheeks.OvertheyearsIcametorealizethatthemoviestar
hostsoftheshowwerejustpeoplewhowantedtodoagoodjoband(withtheexceptionofaverysmallhandfulofd-bags)wereeagerforanyguidance.Whowerethed-bags,youask?Icouldn’tpossiblytellyou.Butifyouwanttofigureitout,here’saclue:Thelettersfromtheirnamesaresprinkledrandomlythroughthischapter.
TheonlyotherthingIrememberabouttheSylvesterStalloneshowwasthattheydidaRocky-themedmonologueandtheyneededsomeonetoplayRocky’swife,Adrian.Cherireallywantedthepart—shewaslittle,shewasfromPhilly,shecoulddoagoodimitationofTaliaShire—butinstead,somebodythoughtitwouldbefunniertoputChrisKattaninadress.Iremember
thinkingthatwaskindofbullshit.
Iwasn’tprivytothedecision-makingprocessatthetime;itwasmyfirstweek,afterall.WhenIremindedproducerSteveHigginsofitrecently,he(understandably)couldn’trememberwhoseideaitwas,andthoughtthatitmighthaveevenbeenSylvesterStallone’s.NooffensetoKattan,whomIlove,or
SylvesterStallone,butIthinkCheriwouldhavebeenfunnierasAdrian.Now,ananecdoteaboutsomebodyattheshowbeingfrustratedandfeelingcheatedishardlyworthmentioning.Ithappenstoeveryone,maleorfemale,atsomepointeveryweek.SaturdayNightLiverunsonacombustionengineofambitionanddisappointment.
ButItellthisspecifictaleof
CheribeingpassedoverforKattan-in-dragbecauseitillustrateshowthingswerethefirstweekIwasthere.BythetimeIleftnineyearslater,thatwouldneverhavehappened.NobodywouldhavethoughtforasecondthatadudeindragwouldbefunnierthanAmy,Maya,orKristen.Thewomeninthecasttookovertheshowinthatdecade,andIhadthepleasureofbeingthereto
witnessit.
AFAQ(FreakingAlways-askedQuestion)
Peopleoftenaskmeaboutthedifferencebetweenmaleandfemalecomedians.Domenandwomenfinddifferentthingsfunny?Iusuallyattemptananswerthatissodiplomaticandboringthatthepersonwilljustwalkaway.Somethinglike“There’sa
tremendousamountofoverlapinwhatmenandwomenthinkisfunny.AndIhatetogeneralize,butIwouldsayatthefarendsofthespectrum,menmayprefervisceral,absurdelementslikesharksandrobots,whilewomenaremoredrawntocharacter-basedjokesandverbalidiosyncrasies….”Haveyouwalkedawayyet?
Here’sthetruth.Thereisan
actualdifferencebetweenmaleandfemalecomedywriters,andI’mgoingtorevealitnow.Themenurinateincups.Andsometimesjars.OneofthefirsttimesIwalkedintomyoldbossSteveHiggins’soffice,hewaseatinganappleandsmokingacigaretteatthesametime.
(WhenIstartedatSNL,youcouldstillsmokeinanoffice
building.Imightnotbeyoung.)Ihadonlybeenthereafewweeks,andStevehadbeenveryencouragingandsupportive.Iforgetwhatweweretalkingabout,butIwenttogetareferencebookoffahighshelfinSteve’soffice.Ireachedtomovethepapercupthatwasinfrontofit,andHigginsjumpedup.“Don’ttouchthat.Hangon.”Hegrabbedthecupandacoupleotherslikeitaroundtheoffice
andtookthemoutoftheroomtodumpthem.
“Ohyeah,that’speeinthosecups,”myfriendPaulalaterinformedme.Icouldnotbelieveit.IhadcomefromTheSecondCity,whichwasbynomeansclean—itwouldnotbeunheard-oftoseearatgivingbirthinanoverstuffedashtray,forexample.ButIhadneverheardofanyonepeeinginacupexceptata
doctor’soffice.Maybeyou’ddoitonaroadtripifitwastoofarbetweenreststops.Ihaddefinitelyneverheardofanyonepeeinginacupandleavingitintheirownofficeonabookshelftoevaporateandbeabsorbedbackintotheirbodythroughtheporesontheirface.
ItoldanothermalecoworkeraboutwhatIhadseen.Wasitnotthegrossestthinghehad
everheard?Heansweredmatter-of-factlythatheoccasionallydidit,too.Notallthetime.Hesaiditwasjustsomethingguysdidwhentheyweretoolazytogotothebathroom.Thebathroom,Ishouldpointout,wasaboutasfarawayasyouarefromthisbook.IstartedtofeellikeIwasfromspace.
IcalledJeffbackinChicago.“Yougrewupwayoutinthe
countrywithabunchofbrothers.Didyoueverpeeincupsand,like,leavethemaround?”Jeffwasincredulous.“What?No!That’sdisgusting.”
OnethousandpointsforJeff.
OnceIwasawareofthispractice,Istartednoticingthecupsinotherplaces.IntheWeekendUpdateoffices—whichwerelikethesmarter-
but-meanerolderbrotheroftheregularwriters’
offices—thereweren’tanycups.Therewasajar.*Itwasajarofpisswithalidonit,andjudgingbyitsconsistency,Isuspecttheysometimesspatintothepiss.Orthatoneofthemwasterriblyill.Youcouldseeitwhenyoucameinthedoor,backlitbytheafternoonsun,andatfirstitseemedtome
likealittletest.Ifyousawthepissjaranddaredtoignoreitandcontinueintotheroom,youwerewelcomed.
Welcomedistoostrongaword.Youwere…oneoftheguys?Nope,youknowwhat?ThemoreIthinkaboutit,I’mjustprojecting.Itcouldn’thavebeenatest,becausetheyreallydidn’tgiveafuckwhetheryoucameintheroomornot.
Andno,notallofthemenwhizzedincups.Butfourorfiveofthemoutoftwentydid,sothemenhavetoownthatone.Anytimethere’sabadfemalestand-upsomewhere,somedickheadInterbloggerwilldeducethat“womenaren’tfunny.”Usingthatsamemath,Icanstate:Malecomedywriterspissincups.
Also,theyliketopretendto
rapeeachother.It’s…Don’tworryaboutit.It’sharmless,actually.
So,tosumupmyroom-clearinggeneralizations,menareincomedytobreakrules.Conversely,thewomenIknowincomedyareallgooddaughters,goodcitizens,mild-manneredcollegegraduates.
Maybewewomengravitate
towardcomedybecauseitisasociallyacceptablewaytobreakrulesandareleasefromourdailylife.Haveyouleftmeforthecheesetrayyet?
KotexClassic
ThisisthestoryofmyproudestmomentasoneoftheheadwritersofSNL.
Atthebeginningofeachseason,thestaffwouldwrite
commercialparodies—thefakecommercialsyouhaveenjoyedoverthepastthirty-fiveyears,suchasSchmitt’sGayandColonBlow.IwishIwroteeitherofthose,butIdidn’t.(IdidwriteMomJeans,Annuale,andExcedrinforRacialTensionHeadaches,ifthathelps.)
Eachwriterwouldsubmittwoorthreescripts,andtheproducersandheadwriters
pickedwhichcommercialswouldbeshot.Wetriedtochoosecarefullybecauseunlikethelivesketches,thesecommercialswereshotonfilm(inthedaysbeforeHDvideo)andcouldcostupto$100,000.Itwasabigdealtogetyourcommercialparodymadebecausetheywerepermanent.Theycouldrepeatforever.
Onceagain,thiswasinthe
daysbeforeYouTube,sorerunsweremeaningful,andprofitable.
InanormalSNLshowweek,everysketchisreadaloudbythecastata“tableread”infrontofthewholestaff.Theroomispackedwithallthewriters,designers,stagemanagers,musicians,etc.,soyouhaveanicebigaudience.Everyonecanhearwheretherearelaughsandeveryone
hasasenseofwhichsketchescouldwork.Thecommercialparodiesdidn’tgetthattreatment,andchoosingwhichonestoproducealwaysbroughtouttheworstineveryone.
IwouldreadthepacketoffortyscriptsandpicktheonesIliked.DennisMcNicholas,theotherheadwriter,wouldpicktheonesheliked.Notsurprisingly,weeachstrongly
preferredtheonesourfriendswrote.(Therewasanunspokenrulethatyouneverpushedforyourownpiece,ever.)Thenwewouldeachprivatelycornertheproducers—SteveHigginsandTimHerlihy—andtrytogetthemtoagreewithus.Higgins,Herlihy,Dennis,andIwouldcontinuethissquaredanceofsellingoneanotheroutforaweekorso,onlytofindthatJimSignorelli,thecolorful,
long-standingdirectorofthesetapedpieces,hadstartedmakingwhateverparodyhelikedwithoutaskinganyone,usuallybecauseithadhighproductionvaluesoravisualstylehefeltlikeshooting.It’samiracleanythingevergotdone.
TherewasoneparodyscriptthatIreallyfoughtfor.Itwasbackwhen“classic”wasabigadvertisingtrend.Coke
Classic.ReebokClassic.TheveryveryfunnyPaulaPellhadwrittenascriptcalledKotexClassic.ItwasasifKotexweretryingtorevivenostalgiaforthoseold1960smaxipadsthathookedtoabelt.Itfeaturedthewomeninthecastenjoyingfun“moderngal”activitieswhilegiantsanitarynapkinspokedoutoftheirlow-risejeans.Itseemedtomelikeanexcellentparodyofnostalgia-
basedmarketingwhilealsobeingalittleshockingandsilly,whichisgreatforanSNL
commercial.Ikeptbringingitupinmeetingsonlytobetoldthatitwouldbe“toodifficulttoproduce.”
PaulaandIweren’tsurewhatthatmeant,sowekeptpressing.Finally,SteveHigginsandJimSignorelli
satdownwithusandaskedustoexplain.“Howwouldweseeit?Isitathingthatcomesupthefront?
Wouldwehavetozoominonit?Wouldn’tthegirlshavetotaketheirpantsoff?Wouldweseeblood?”
AndthiswaswhatOprahwouldcallanAhaMomentforme.(TrademarkOprahWinfrey;pleasesendacheck
foreighty-ninecentstoHarpoIndustriesforhavingreadthat.)Theydidn’tknowwhatamaxipadbeltwas.ItwasthemomentIrealizedthattherewasno“institutionalizedsexism”atthatplace.Sometimestheyjustliterallydidn’tknowwhatweweretalkingabout.JustasIwasnotfamiliarwiththecompletelynormalcustomofpissinginjars,theyhadneverbeenhandeda
fifteen-year-oldKotexproductbytheschoolnurse.ButtheytrustedmeandPaula,soI’mproudtosaywemadehercommercialandthecommercialworked.
Twothingswerereassuringaboutthis.One,thatwewereheard.BecausePaulawassuchagoddamnhitfactory—shewrotetheCheerleaders,amongmanyotherthings—theywerewillingtotrustus.
And,moreimportant,forallthoseyearsthatIwassurethatboyscouldtellwhenIhadaloaf-of-bread-sizemaxipadgoingupthebackofmypants,theyactuallyhadnoidea.
IDon’tCareIfYouLikeIt
(OneinaseriesofloveletterstoAmyPoehler)
AmyPoehlerwasnewtoSNL
andwewereallcrowdedintotheseventeenth-floorwriters’room,waitingfortheWednesdayread-throughtostart.Therewerealwaysalotofnoisy“comedybits”goingoninthatroom.AmywasinthemiddleofsomesuchnonsensewithSethMeyersacrossthetable,andshedidsomethingvulgarasajoke.Ican’trememberwhatitwasexactly,exceptitwasdirtyandloudand“unladylike.”
JimmyFallon,whowasarguablythestaroftheshowatthetime,turnedtoherandinafaux-squeamishvoicesaid,“Stopthat!It’snotcute!Idon’tlikeit.”
Amydroppedwhatshewasdoing,wentblackintheeyesforasecond,andwheeledaroundonhim.“Idon’tfuckingcareifyoulikeit.”Jimmywasvisiblystartled.Amywentrightbackto
enjoyingherridiculousbit.(IshouldmakeitclearthatJimmyandAmyareverygoodfriendsandtherewasneveranyrealbeefbetweenthem.Insertpenisjokehere.)
Withthatexchange,acosmicshifttookplace.Amymadeitclearthatshewasn’ttheretobecute.Shewasn’ttheretoplaywivesandgirlfriendsintheboys’scenes.Shewastheretodowhatshewanted
todoandshedidnotfuckingcareifyoulikeit.
Iwassohappy.Weirdly,Irememberthinking,“Myfriendishere!Myfriendishere!”Eventhoughthingshadbeengoinggreatformeattheshow,withAmythere,Ifeltlessalone.
Ithinkofthiswheneversomeonesaystome,“JerryLewissayswomenaren’t
funny,”or
“ChristopherHitchenssayswomenaren’tfunny,”or“RickFendermansayswomenaren’tfunny….Doyouhaveanythingtosaytothat?”
Yes.Wedon’tfuckingcareifyoulikeit.
Idon’tsayitoutloud,ofcourse,becauseJerryLewis
isagreatphilanthropist,Hitchensisverysick,andthethirdguyImadeup.
Unlessoneofthesemenismyboss,whichnoneofthemis,it’sirrelevant.Myhatgoesofftothem.Itisanimpressivelyarrogantmovetoconcludethatjustbecauseyoudon’tlikesomething,itisempiricallynotgood.Idon’tlikeChinesefood,butIdon’twritearticlestryingtoprove
itdoesn’texist.
Somyunsolicitedadvicetowomenintheworkplaceisthis.WhenfacedwithsexismorageismorlookismorevenreallyaggressiveBuddhism,askyourselfthefollowingquestion:“IsthispersoninbetweenmeandwhatIwanttodo?”Iftheanswerisno,ignoreitandmoveon.Yourenergyisbetteruseddoingyourworkandoutpacing
peoplethatway.Then,whenyou’reincharge,don’thirethepeoplewhowerejerkytoyou.
Iftheanswerisyes,youhaveamoredifficultroadaheadofyou.IsuggestyoumodelyourstrategyaftertheoldSesameStreetfilmpiece“Over!Under!Through!”(Ifyou’reunderfortyyoumightnotrememberthisfilm.Ittaughttheconceptsof“over,”
“under,”and“through”byfilmingtoddlerscrawlingaroundanabandonedconstructionsite.Theydon’tshowitanymorebecausesomeonehassincerealizedthat’snuts.)
Ifyourbossisajerk,trytofindsomeoneaboveoraroundyourbosswhoisnotajerk.*Ifyou’relucky,yourworkplacewillhaveaneutralprovingground—liketherifle
rangeorthecarsalestotalboardortheSNLread-through.Ifso,focusonthat.
Again,don’twasteyourenergytryingtoeducateorchangeopinions.Go“Over!Under!
Through!”andopinionswillchangeorganicallywhenyou’retheboss.Ortheywon’t.Whocares?
Doyourthinganddon’tcareiftheylikeit.
Amazing,Gorgeous,NotLikeThat
Peoplesometimesaskme,“What’sitliketodophotoshootsformagazines?”“Doyouenjoythatkindofthing?”Letmebecompletelyhonesthere.Publicityandpressjunketsarejustpartofthejob.Yourworkiswhatyou
reallycareaboutbecauseyourworkisyourcraftandyourcraftisyourartandphotoshootsareTHEFUNNEST!
Incaseyoueverfindyourselfatamagazinecovershoot(andyoumight,becauseSnookiandIhave,soanythingcanhappen!),letmetellyouwhattoexpect.
It’susuallyinsomecool
spacecalledWhiteorSmashHouseorJinxStudios.Sometimesit’satanamazinghotel.Whereveritis,it’snicerthanwhereyouhadyourwedding.Youtakeafreightelevatoruptoabeautifulloftwherethereisacoffeebaratwhicheverythingisfree.Free,Isay!
Isuggestyoushowupfreshlyscrubbedwithdamphair.Notonlyisthisacourtesytoyour
hairandmakeupteambutalsoithelpstosetthebarlow.Showuplookinglikeanuncookedchickenlegandtheycan’thelpbutbepleasedwiththetransformationoncetheygetalltheirmakeuponyou.IthinkthisiswhatJesseJacksoncallsthe“subtlegeniusofloweredexpectations,”butImaybemisquoting.
You’llbeintroducedtothe
stylistandshownracksandracksofclothes.Shehasbeengivenyoursizesaheadoftimeandhaschosentoignorethem.Alltheshoeswillbetoobigandallthepantsandskirtswillbea5T.Thestylistsliketofigureoutafewlooksbeforehairandmakeupbegins,soyouwilltryontwentyorthirtythings.Somebodywillputupamakeshiftwallbyholdingafull-lengthmirrornexttoan
openloftwindow,andyouwillstripdownnaked.Youmustnotlookinthatmirroratyourdoughylegsandflatfeet,fortodayisaboutdreamsandillusions,andunfilterednaturaldaylightistheenemyofdreams.
Whenyouinevitablycan’tfitintoagarment,thestylist’sassistantwillbesentintohelpyou.
Thestylist’sassistantwillbeachictwenty-year-oldAsiangirlnamedEstherorAgnesorLot’sWife.
Inafewyearsshe’llberunningtheeditorialstaff,butatthispointintimeherjobistostuffamiddle-agedwoman’sbareasscrackintoaPradadressandzipitup.Inmycase,EstherandIarealwaysmutuallyfrustratedwhenzippingupthetiny
dress.Estherisdisgustedbymydimplyfleshandherlowstatus.I’mannoyedthathertinyhandslackthestrengthtogetPandora’splaguebackintothebox.
“How’sitgoinginthere?”callsthestylistpassive-aggressively.Reinforcementsarecalledintopushonbothsidesofmyribcageuntilthezippergoesup.Toavoidconflict,weallblameathird
party.“It’sthesedamninvisiblezippers!”wesayinunison.“Idon’tknowwhydesignersusethem!”
Thereasonnoneofthedressesfitisbecausetheyare“samples.”Theyarefromtherunwayandtheyweremadetofitrunwaymodels.SometimesIcanactuallyfitinthesamplesizebecauseatfivefootfourIhavethewaistsizeofaseven-footmodel.
“Youcanfitinasamplesize!”theytellmetriumphantly,withthedressstrainingattheseams,twofeettoolongonthebottom,andthebracupshangingrightabovemynavel.Theywantthistobeimportanttoyou,sogowithit.
Nextyouaretakentothehairandmakeupchair.“Doyouhaveanythingonyourface?”themakeupartistwillask
gently.Youdon’tbecause,aspreviouslymentioned,youaresandbagging.Themakeupartistwillthendelicatelyapplyexpensivemoisturizertoyourchickenlegwhilethehairstylistmassagesyourscalp(secretlycheckingforbaldspots).
Onceyou’remoisturizedandhaveenjoyedyourfreecappuccino,themakeuptransformationbeginsin
earnest.Theypluckyoureyebrowsforwhatseemsliketwentyminuteseventhoughyouhavealreadypluckedthemfullythenightbefore.
Ifyou’relikeme,youprobablytaketentotwelvesecondsadaytoputonsomeeyelinerandmascara.Maybeyouthrowinfivesecondsofeyeshadowifit’sNewYear’sEve.Themakeupartistatyourphotoshootwill
workmethodicallyonyoureyelidswithaseriesofticklylittlebrushesforahundredminutes.It’ssoothing,actually,becauseyoumustsitstillandyouabsolutelycan’tdoanythingelse.Shewilldothisthingbeforeshelinesyourlipswheresheputsherfingeronyourtoplipandrollsitbackeversogently.Whensheisdone,youlooklikeyouhavelips!Notcrazyoverdrawngrandmalipslike
youwoulddo,butGod-givenlips.
Whilethisisgoingon,someonegivesyouamanicureandapedicure.Atreallyfancyshoots,acelebrityfecalistwillstudyyourbowelmovementsandadjustyourhumours.
Thelegmassageandthewarmlightsofthemakeupmirrorfeelsocozythatyou
couldalmostbelievethatthisisyouractuallifeinsteadofthatendlessdegrading“lookingforthecheckbook”and
“boilingmacaroni”shityoulivewithathome.
Atsomepointinthemorning,oneofthestylistsorpublicistsorfecalistswilldeclarethatthefreecoffeeis“notworkingforme,”and
someinternissentouttogetothercoffee.Orbubbletea.Orgum,Advil,RedBull,andeggwhiteomeletsthataredestinedtobeforgottenaboutandleftonawindowsill.
Onlywhenyourmakeupisdonewilltheystarttodoyourhair.Youhairwillbeblownstraight,thensetonlargerollers.Thehairdresser’sassistanthandshimrollersandpinsoncommandlikean
OR
nurse.Thesefashionableyoungassistantsareafunwindowintowhattherestofuswillbewearingthreeyearsfromnow.FromwhatI’veseenlately,wecanlookforwardtothereturnofprairieskirtsandthemaleshag.(Theprairieskirtswillbeonmenandthemaleshagwillbeonwomen.)Onceyourhairisstraightened,it
willbecurled,thenshowntothephotographer,whowillstareatitwithhisorherheadcockedtooneside.Thenitwillberestraightened.
Dependingontheconceptfortheshootandthehealthofyournaturalhair,youmaybeaskedtowearhairextensions.It’sokay.Acontrolled,photoshootenvironmentiswhereextensionsbelong.
Placesthatarelessidealforhairextensions:thegrocerystore,women’sprison,awaterpark.
Onceyourhairandmakeuparedone,you’llslipintoyourfirstlook.Itwillmostdefinitelybeoneofthedressesthatdidn’tevencomeclosetofittingyou,soLot’sWifewillbridgethegapwithathickpieceofwhiteelasticandsomesafetypins.Don’t
everfeelinadequatewhenyoulookatmagazines.Justrememberthateverypersonyouseeonacoverhasabraandunderwearhangingoutagapingholeintheback.Everyone.HeidiKlum,theOlsenTwins,DavidBeckham,everybody.
Etvoilà!Justtwotothreehoursafteryourarrival,youarereadytobetakentothephotographerandshot.
Therearedifferenttypesoffancyphotographers.Somearebig,funpersonalitieslikeMarioTestino,whooncetoldme,“Liftyourchin,darling,youarenoteighteen.”Ienjoyedhishonesty.Also,I’mprettysurehesaysthattomodelswhoarenineteen.
Somephotographersplanouteverydetailoftheshot,thenplugyouintoit.Forexample,withAnnieLeibovitz,you
mighthaveadvancefittingsforseveralcustomTinkerbellcostumes.Onthedayoftheshoot,Anniewillpickoneofthecostumes,thenobscureitwithalargeharness.Afterward,she’llremovetheharnesswithPhotoshop,changethecolorofthecostume,andshrinkyoudowntothesizeofapeaanyway.
Therearethenonchalant
“coolguy”photographerswhoshootforRollingStoneandGQ.Watchoutfortheseguys,becausetheiroffhandmannercantrickyouandthenextthingyouknow,you’reposingwithyourpantsoff.Orworse,withyourshoesoff.
I’mafirmbelieverinourconstitutionalrighttowearshoes,andIbelievemorepeopleshouldtakeadvantage
ofit.Inevergobarefootduringaphotoshoot.Eveniftheysayyourfeetare“outofframe,”don’tbelievethem.Iknowwhatyou’rethinkingandno,Idon’thavehorriblemessed-upfeet.
MaybemyfeetaresoamazingthatIwanttoshelterthemsotheycanliveanormallife.Idon’twantthemtobetheSuriCruiseoffeet.Didyoueverthinkabout
that?
Thephotographerwillaskyouwhatkindofmusicyouwanttoplayduringtheshoot.RememberthatwhateveryouchoosewillbeblastedthroughtheloftandheardbyanentirecrewofpeoplewhoareallsocoolthattheBoardofEd.officiallyclosedschool.
Justmurmur,“Hip-hop,”ormakeupthenameofa
hipster-soundingbandandthenactsuperiorwhenthey’veneverheardofit.“DoyouguyshaveanyAsphaltofPinking?*disappointed+Really?
[shrug]Whateveryouwant,then.”
SometimestheyaskifyouwanttohookupyouriPodforbackgroundmusic.Donotdothis.It’satrap.They’llput
itonshuffle,andnomatterhowmuchBeastieBoysorVelvetUndergroundyouhaveonthere,thefollowingfourtrackswillplayinarow:“We’dLiketoThankYouHerbertHoover”fromAnnie,
“HoldOn”byWilsonPhillips,“That’sWhatFriendsAreFor,”VariousArtists,and“We’dLiketoThankYouHerbertHoover”fromAnnie.
Togetthroughtheactualshootingprocess,therearethreeskillsyouneedtomaster.
1)Posing
Posingforasuccessfulglamourportraitisverysimple.Startwiththebasics.Turnsideways.Leanbackagainstawall.Moveyourchinforwardtoelongateyourneck.Relaxyourshoulders.
Makeangleswhereverpossible.Ifyou’reovertwenty-four,smileatalltimes.Keepyourarmsslightlyawayfromyoursidessoasnottosmushthemandmakethemlooklarger.Suckyourstomachupandin,andwrapyourbuttockstowardtheback,Pilates-style.Beyourself.Whenyoulookintothelens,imagineyouarelookingatadearfriend,butnotafriendwhowouldlaugh
atyouforjuttingoutyourchinwhilearchingyourbackagainstafakewall.
Knowyourweaknesses.Forexample,Ihavewhatcanbedescribedas“deadsharkeyes.”ButifItrytoohardtolookalert,Ilookbatshitcrazy,liketherunawaybride.Ifaboutof“creepyface”setsin,thetrickistolookawayfromthecamerabetweenshotsandturnbackonly
whennecessary.Thisalsolimitshowmuchofyoursoulthecameracansteal.
2)DealingwithWhatIsBeingSaidtoYou
Mostphotographershavesomekindofverbalpattergoingonwhentheyshoot:“Great.Turntome.Bigsmile.Lesssharkeyes.Havefunwithit.Notlikethat.”
Somephotographersarecompulsivelyeffusive.“Beautiful.Amazing.Gorgeous!Ugh,sogorgeous!”theyyellatshutterspeed.Ifyouareanythinglessthaninsane,youwillrealizethisisnotsincere.It’shardtotakebecauseit’smorepositivefeedbackthanyou’vereceivedinyourentirelifethrownatyouinfifteenseconds.Itwouldbelikegoingjoggingwhilesomeone
rodenexttoyouinaslow-movingcar,yelling,“Yes!YouareCarlLewis!You’rebreakingaworldrecordrightnow.Amazing!
Youarefast.You’regoingveryfast,yes!”
Withthewindblowingonyourlongextensions,youfeellikeBeyoncé.Themomentthewindmachinestops,youcatchaglimpseofyourselfin
themirrorandwonder,“WhyisthemotherfromCoalMiner’sDaughterhere?”
Yourimpulsewillbetowiltwithembarrassment.Donot!Beforeyoulookupforthebucketofpig’sblood,remember,yourthirdandmostdifficulttaskis“TryingtoEnjoyIt.”
3)TryingtoEnjoyIt(ProceedasifYouLook
Awesome.)
Thisrequiresalevelofdelusion/egomaniausuallyreservedforpopesanddragqueens,butyoucandoit.It’slikebeingalittlekidagain,paradingaroundinanightgowntuckedintoyourunderpants,believingitlooksterrific.Your“rightmind”knowsthatyoulookridiculousinahalf-opendressandgiantshoes,butyou
mustputyourselfbackinthirdgrade,slippingonyourmom’squiltedcaftananddrinkingcreamsodaoutofachampagneglasswhilewatchingTheLoveBoat.Youhaveneverbeenmoreglamorous.
“Believeyouareworthyofthecover,”asMarioTestinomightsaytoatense,shark-eyedfortyyearold.
Afteraboutseventeenminutesofshooting,theycalllunch.Thecateredlunchmakesyoufeellikeyou’refinallythepersonyoualwayswantedtobe.Vegetabletartlets.Arugulasaladwithfigs,quinoa,fishthatissomehowmoreflavorfulanddeliciousthanaWendy’shamburger.Miniaturelemonmeringuepies.Hibiscusicedtea.Youfantasizeabouthowwonderfulyourlifewouldbe
ifyouhadthisfooddeliveredeveryday.Oh,theenergyyouwouldhave!Yourstoolswouldbemuseumquality.Youcouldfinallyimpressthefecalist.
Atthispointsomeonefromyourrealjoborhomelifewillcalltocheckin.Pretendyou’reexhaustedandthatthiswholephotoshootthingisabiginconvenience.Sayyou’llbedonebysixandthatyou’ll
besuretogethomeintimetohelporganizethebasementstorageunit.Thenhangup!Donotletthosepeoplekillyourbuzz!
YourafternoonwillflybyasyougetmoreandmoreconfidentposinglikeanoldVirginiaSlimsad.
Andthenyou’redone.Yougetbackintothismorning’ssweatpants,brushoutyour
hair,whichbynowlookslikeyou’vebeenstandingonatarmacallday,andthat’sit.
Youdon’tgettokeeptheclothes,bytheway.Somepeoplesaythatthereallyfamouspeoplegettokeeptheclothes,butIsuspectit’sjustthepushiest,mostdeludedpeoplewhogettokeeptheclothesbecausetheystealthemandnoonesaysanything.Youronly
keepsakesaretheindividualfalseeyelashesthatyoulaterfindstucktoyourboobintheshower.
(Someoneshoulddoastudyofthehumanbrainandhowquicklyitcanadjusttoluxury.Youcouldtakeahomelesspersonwhohasbeenlivingonthestreetfortwentyyears,andifyouletthemdothreemagazinephotoshoots,bythefourth
onethey’dbesaying,“Louboutinsdon’treallyworkonme.
CanItrytheRogerVivier?”Bythefifthonethey’dsigh,“Dotheynothavethevegetabletartlets?
Bummer!”inapassive-aggressivetonethatmeans“Somebodygogetthem.”)Youmaysinkintoaslightdepressionoverthenext
thirty-sixhours.Youmaywonderwhyyourlovedonesdon’tcallout,“Amazing,gorgeous,righttome!”asyouscrambletheireggs.
Butjustbepatient,forinafewweeks,themagazinewillbeoutandyouwillhaveincontrovertibleproofthatyouareayoungCatherineDeneuve.YoucasuallycheckthenewsstandonyourwaytobuyBengayheatingpads.
Oneday,thereitis!RightbetweenJessicaSimpsonandthosepeoplefromTheBachelorwhomurderedeachother—it’syourface!Itisyourface,right?Youcanbarelyrecognizeyourselfwiththeamountofdigitalcorrection.They’vetakenoutyourknucklesandgivenyoubabyhands.Themuscularcalvesthatyou’regenerallyveryproudofareslimmedtothebone.Andwhat’swiththe
eyes?Theyalwaysgetitwrongundertheeyes.Inanefforttoremovedarkcirclestheytakeoutanydepth,andyourfacelookslikeitwasdrawnonapaperplate.Youlookedforwardtothemtakingoutyourchickenpoxscarsandbrokenbloodvessels,buthowdoyoufeelwhentheyerasepartofyouthatisperfectlygood?
Wehavenowenteredthe
debateoverAmerica’smostseriousandpressingissue:Photoshop.
AlotofwomenareoutragedbytheuseofPhotoshopinmagazinephotos.IsayalotofwomenbecauseIhaveyettomeetonemanwhocouldgiveafatturdaboutthetopic.Notevenagayman.
IfeelaboutPhotoshopthewaysomepeoplefeelabout
abortion.Itisappallingandatragicreflectiononthemoraldecayofoursociety…unlessIneedit,inwhichcase,everybodybecool.
DoIthinkPhotoshopisbeingusedexcessively?Yes.IsawMadonna’sLouisVuittonadandhonestly,atfirstglance,IthoughtitwasGwenStefani’sbaby.
DoIworryaboutoverly
retouchedphotosgivingwomenunrealisticexpectationsandbodyimageissues?Ido.Ithinkthatwewillsoonseeariseinanorexiainwomenoverseventy.BecauseonlypeopleoverseventyarefooledbyPhotoshop.Onlyyourgreat-auntforwardsyouanimageofSarahPalinholdingarifleandwearinganAmerican-flagbikiniandthinksit’sreal.OnlyyouruncleVicsendsa
photoofBarackObamawearingahammerandsickleT-shirtandhastohaveitexplainedtohimthatsomebodyfakedthatwiththecomputer.
Peoplehavelearnedhowtospotit.Justlikehoweveryonelearnedtospotfakeboobs—lookfortheupper-armmeat.Ifthere’snoupper-armmeat,thebreastsarefake.Unlikebreastimplants,
whichcanmessupyourhealth,digitalretouchingisrelativelyharmless.Aslongasweallknowit’sfake,it’snomoredangeroustosocietythanaradiobroadcastofTheWaroftheWorlds.
Photoshopisjustlikemakeup.Whenit’sdonewellitlooksgreat,andwhenit’soverdoneyoulooklikeacrazyasshole.Unfortunately,mostpeopledon’tdoitwell.Ifind,thefancierthefashionmagazineis,theworsethePhotoshop.It’sasiftheyarealreadysodisgustedthatahumanhastobeintheclothes,theycan’tstoperasinghumanfeatures.
“Whycan’tweacceptthehumanformasitis?”screamsnoone.Idon’tknowwhy,butweneverhave.That’swhypeopleworecorsetsandneckstretchersandpowderedwigs.
Ifyou’regoingtoexpendenergybeingmadaboutPhotoshop,you’llalsohavetobemadaboutearrings.Noone’searsarethatsparkly!Theyshouldn’thavetobe!
You’llhavetogetmadaboutoilpaintings—thosepeopledidn’treallylooklikethat!Iforoneamfuriousthatpeopleareallowedtoturnsidewaysinphotographs!Whycan’tweacceptawoman’sfullwidth?!Iwon’trestuntilpeopleareonlyallowedtobephotographedfacingfrontunderafluorescentlight.
Itshouldabsolutelybemandatoryformagazinesto
creditthepersonwhoperformedthePhotoshopwork,justliketheydothemakeupartistandthestylist…inverytinywhiteprintonwhitepaper.
Somepeoplesayit’safeministissue.Iagree,becausethebestPhotoshopjobIevergotwasforafeministmagazinecalledBustin2004.
Itwasalow-budgetshootinthebackoftheirdowntownoffice.Therewasnofreecoffeebarorwindmachine,justabunchofintelligentwomenwithasenseof
humor.
Ilookedatthetwopaltrylightstheyhadsetupandturnedtotheeditors.“We’reallfeministshere,butyou’regonnausePhotoshop,right?”“Oh,yeah,”theyrepliedinstantly.FeministsdothebestPhotoshopbecausetheyleavethemeatonyourbones.Theydon’tchangeyoursizeoryourskincolor.
Theyleaveinyourdisgustingknuckles,buttheymaytakeoutsomearmpitstubble.Notbecausethey’redenyingitsexistence,butbecausetheyunderstandthatit’sokaytomakeaphotolookasifyouwerecaughtonyourbestdayinthebestlight.
Inanactofamazingbravery,IwillletyouseethisphotoofmewithPhotoshopandwithout.
Therearesevendifferences.Seeifyoucanspotthem.*
Photoshopitselfisnotevil.JustlikeItaliansaladdressingisnotinherentlyevil,untilyourubitalloveradesperateyoungactressandstickheronthecoverofMaxim,pretendingtopullherpantiesdown.(That“thumbsinthepanties”moveistheworst.Really?It’snotenoughthattheygotgreasedupandin
theirpantiesforyou,Maxim?)
Giveitup.Retouchingisheretostay.Technologydoesn’tmovebackward.Nosocietyhaseverde-industrialized.Whichiswhywe’llneverturnbackfromPhotoshop—andwhytheeconomiccollapseofChinaisgoingtobethedeathofusall.Nevermindthat.Let’skeepbeingupinarmsaboutthis
Photoshopbusiness!
Idon’tseeafutureinwhichwe’reallanorexicandsuicidal.Idoseeafutureinwhichweallretouchthebejeezusoutofourownpicturesathome.FamilyChristmascardswilljustbeeyesandnostrilsinasnowmanborder.
AtleastwithPhotoshopyoudon’treallyhavetoalteryour
body.It’sbetterthanallthesedisgustinginjectiblesandimplants.Isn’titbettertohaveacomputerdoittoyourpicturethantohaveadoctordoittoyourface?
IhavethusfarrefusedtogetanyBotoxorplasticsurgery.(AlthoughIdowearaclearelasticchinstrapthatIhookaroundmyearsandpinundermydaywig.)Ican’tbeexpectedtoleadthecharge
oneverything.LetmehavemyPhotoshop.
Fortodayisaboutdreams!
DearInternet
Oneofmygreatestregrets,otherthanbeingtheZodiacKillerneverlearningtotango,isthatIdon’talwayshavetimetoanswerthewonderfulcorrespondenceIreceive.Whenpeoplecareenoughto
write,theonlywell-manneredthingtodoistoreturnthegift,sopleaseindulgemeasIanswersomefanshere.
Fromtmz.com
PostedbySonyainTxon4/7/2010,4:33P.M.
“WhenisTinagoingtodosomethingaboutthathideousscaracrosshercheek??”
DearSonyainTx,
Greetings,Texanfriend!(I’massumingthe“Tx”inyourscreennamestandsforTexasandnotsomerarechromosomaldeficiencyyouhave.HopeI’mrightaboutthat!)Firstofall,myapologiesforthedelayedresponse.IwasunawareyouhadwrittenuntilIwentontmz.comtowatchsomeoftheiramazingfootageof
peopleinL.A.leavingrestaurantsandIstumbleduponyourquestion.
I’msureifyouandIcomparescheduleswecouldfindatimetogettogetheranddosomethingaboutthisscarofmine.ButthetrickierquestionisWhatamIgoingtodo?Iwouldlovetogetyouradvice,actually.I’massumingyou’reaphysician,becauseyouseemreally
knowledgeableabouthowthehumanbodyworks.WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddoaboutthishideousscar?IguessIcouldwearabagonmyhead,butdoIgowithlinenliketheElephantManorasimplebrownpaperliketheUnknownComic?Toomanychoices,help!
Thankyouforyourtime.YouareacredittoTexasandVikingwomenboth.
Yours,
Tina
P.S.Greatuseofdoublequestionmarks,bytheway.Itmakesyouseemyoung.
FromDlisted.com
PostedbyCentauriousonMonday,9/21/2009,2:08A.M.
“TinaFeyisanugly,pear-shaped,bitchy,overratedtroll.”
DearCentaurious,
Firstletmesayhowinspiringitisthatyouhavelearnedtouseacomputer.
Ihateforourcorrespondencetobeconfrontational,butyouhaveoffendedmedeeply.TosayI’manoverratedtroll,
whenyouhaveneverevenseenmeguardabridge,ispatentlyunfair.I’llleaveitforotherstosayifI’mthebest,butIamcertainlyoneofthemostdedicatedtrollsguardingbridgestoday.Ialwaysaskthreequestions,atleasttwoofwhichareriddles.
Asfor“ugly,pear-shaped,andbitchy”?Iprefertheterms“offbeat,businessclass–assed,andexhausted,”
butI’lltakewhatIcanget.There’snosuchthingasbadpress!
Nowgotobed,youcrazynightowl!YouhavetobeatNASAearlyinthemorning.SotheycanlookforyourpeniswiththeHubbletelescope.
Affectionately,
Tina
FromPerezHilton.com
PostedbyjerkstoreonWednesday,1/21/2009,11:21P.M.
“InmyopinionTinaFeycompletelyruinedSNL.Theonlyreasonshe’scelebratedisbecauseshe’sawomanandanoutspokenliberal.Shehasnotasinglefunnyboneinherbody.”
Dearjerkstore,
HuzzahfortheTruthTeller!Womeninthiscountryhavebeenover-celebratedfortoolong.Justlastnighttherewasastoryonmylocalnewsabouta“missinggirl,”andtheymusthavededicatedsevenoreightminutesto“whereshewaslastseen”and“howshemighthavebeenabductedbyaclosefamilyfriend,”andIthought,“What
isthis,theNewsforChicks?”ThentherewassomestoryaboutHillaryClintonflyingtosomecountrybecauseshe’ssecretaryofstate.Whydowekeeptalkingaboutthesedumdums?Weareasocietythatconstantlycelebratesnoonebutwomenanditmuststop!Iwanttohearwhatthemenoftheworldhavebeenupto.Whatfunnewgunshavetheyinvented?Whatarethey
rapingthesedays?What’sMichaelBay’snextfilmgoingtobe?
WhenIfirstsetouttoruinSNL,Ididn’tthinkanyonewouldnotice,butIperseveredbecause—likeyoutryingtodoanine-piecejigsawpuzzle—itwasalaboroflove.
I’mnotonetotootmyownhorn,butIfeelsafewithyou,
jerkstore,soI’llsayit.EverythingyoueverhatedonSNLwasbyme,andanythingyoueverlikedwasbysomeoneelsewhodiditagainstmywill.
Sincerely,
TinaFey
P.S.Youknowwhodoeshaveafunnyboneinherbody?Yourmomeverynight
foradollar.
Fromabodybuildingforum
PostedbySmarterChild,on2/24/2008,2:10P.M.
“I’dstickitinhertailpipe.”
DearSmarterChild,
Thankyousomuchforyourinterest.Whetheryoumeant
itinasexualwayormerelyasanactofaggression,Iamgrateful.Asa“womanofacertainage”inthisbusiness,Ifeelincrediblyluckytostillbe“catchingyoureye”“withmyanus.”Youkeepmerelevant!
Sincerely,
Ms.T.Fey
Fromtmz.com
PostedbyKevin214on11/9/08,11:38A.M.
“TinaFeyCHEATED!!!!!!Anyonewhohaseverseenanoldpictureofhercanseeshehashad100%plasticsurgery.Herwholefaceisdifferent.Shewasuglythenandsheisuglynow.SheonlywishedshecouldeverbeasbeautifulasSarahPalin.”
DearKevin214,
WhatcanIsay?Youhaveanamazingeye.IguessIgotcaughtupinthewholeHollywoodthing.IthoughtIcouldchangeahundredpercentofmyfacialfeaturesandaslongasIstayedugly,noonewouldnotice.HowfoolishIwas.
Solet’swipetheslateclean.Fulldisclosure,hereisalist
oftheproceduresI’vehaddone.Eyebrowning,noselengthening,Igetmyteethlightlyhenna-edeachmonthtogivethemtheiramberluster.I’vehadmylipsthinned,andI’vehadatreatmentcalledGrimmágewheretwofishingwiresarerunthroughmyjawlineandusedtogathertheskinuntilitlookslikeafancypillow.
I’vehadsebaceousimplants
(smallballsofRestylaneplacedinrandomlocationstogivetheappearanceofyouthfulneckacne).
Idon’thaveBotox.UnfortunatelyI’mallergic.InsteadIhavemonthlyinjectionsofBromodialone,afarm-strengthratpoison.Thiskeepsmyfaceinaconstantstateofirritationandparalysis,whichofcourseisindistinguishablefromsexual
excitement.Myfaceislongerandthinnerthanitwastwentyyearsago,andwhilesomemightsaythatisanaturaleffectofweightlossandaging,youandIknowthetruth—Ipayawomantositonthesideofmyheadtwiceaweek.MadonnaandGwynethgotoher,andwe’veallhadamazingresults.Ugh,listentome,Ireallyhavechanged!WhydidIfeeltheneedtoname-drop
thefactthatI’mfriendswithMadonnaVickersonandGwynethChung?
Sinceyou’resosavvyatspottingplasticsurgery,I’msureyou’venoticedsomeofmyotherfamousfriendswhohave“hadworkdone.”BishopDesmondTutu…cheekimplants.SupremeCourtJudgeRuthBaderGinsburg?Majortitjob.AndSpongeBobSquarePants,
genderreassignment.
Keeponhelpin’me“keepitreal,”
T
30Rock:AnExperimenttoConfuseYourGrandparents
IfyouhadtoldmewhenIwasakidthatIwouldgrowuptositthroughtheannual
NBC
EmployeeSexualHarassmentSeminarfourteentimes,Iwouldhavesaid,“What’s‘sexualharassment’?”
becauseClarenceThomasdidn’tinventthatuntiltheearlynineties.ButIwouldhavebeenveryexcitedtohearthatIwouldspendalargechunkofmyadultlifeworkingforthePeacock.I
loveworkingatNBC.
HowcouldInot?IgrewupwatchingSeinfeld,JohnnyCarson,LateNightwithDavidLetterman,andrerunsofTheMothers-in-Law.
WhenIwasinmyeighthseasonatSaturdayNightLive,itwastimetofigureoutwhatthenextphaseofmylifewouldbe.SNLislikehighschool,butatleastin
highschooltheytellyouwhentograduate.It’shardtopushyourselfoutofthenest.LornesuggestedImakea“developmentdeal”withNBCandtrytocomeupwithasitcom.Adevelopmentdealmeanstheypayyouwhileyou’rethinking,whichisaprettygreatdeal,unlessyou’relikemeandyoufeelconstantanxietythatyouhaven’tthoughtofanythingyet.(Myabilitytoturngood
newsintoanxietyisrivaledonlybymyabilitytoturnanxietyintochinacne.)Afterafewmonthsofgettingmoneyfornothing,IpitchedNBCpresidentofPrimetimeDevelopmentKevinReillyanideaaboutacablenewsproducer(me,presumably)whoisforcedtoproducetheshowofablowhardright-wingpundit(AlecBaldwin,ifwecouldevergethim)toboosthernetwork’ssagging
ratings.KevinReillysaid,“No,thankyou.”Allofasuddenthisdevelopmentdealthingdidn’tseemsobad.IfIcouldgetturneddownoneortwomoretimes,Icouldkeepthedevelopmentmoneybutneverhavetomakeashow.ButthenI’dprobablyalsoneverworkagain,andIhaveaverycompetitiveandobedientnature,so…chinacneandrewrites.
KevinReillysuggestedformynextideathatIwritesomethingclosertomylife.“Whynotwriteaboutwhatit’sliketoworkatSNL?”Iwasreluctantbecauseitseemedself-indulgenttowriteabouttheshowdirectly.IhadreallylikedthecablenewspitchbecauseIlikedtheideaofwritingAlecBaldwinasapowerfulconservative,havinghimarticulatepassionatelytheoppositeof
everythinghebelievedinreallife.Myhusband,alwaysmoreclearheadedaboutthesethings,suggestedthatIjustkeepAlec’scharacterthesame.ThenIstartedthinkingthatifitwasashowbusinessstory,IcoulduseTracyMorgan,too.Atrianglebetweenme,AlecBaldwin,andTracyMorganfeltlikeithadpotential.Thesethreecharacterswouldhavecompletelydifferentviews
aboutanytopicthatcameup—race,gender,politics,workplaceethics,money,sex,women’sbasketball—andtheywouldagreeanddisagreeinendlesscombinations.
By2005IhadfleshedouttheideaKevinReillyhadrequested.Iwouldplaytheheadwriterofalate-nightcomedyshow.TracyMorganwouldplayalunaticcomedy
starandAlecBaldwinwouldplaymyoverbearingconservativeboss.Well,itwaswrittenforAlecBaldwin,butnoneofushadtheballstotalktohimaboutityet.
Iwrotewhattheycalla“pilot,”whichmeansyouwritethefirstepisodeofwhatyouhopewillbealongseries.Pilotscriptsareparticularlydifficulttowritebecauseyouhaveto
introduceallthecharacterswithoutitfeelinglikeaseriesofintroductions.Youhavetotellastorythat’snotonlyfunnyandcompellingbutalsodramatizesyourmaincharacters’pointsofviewandwhattheserieswouldbeaboutthematically(love,work,investigatingsexychildmurdersinMiami,etc.).
Ifyouwanttoseeagreatpilot,watchthefirstepisode
ofCheers.It’scharming,funny,andwellconstructed.Ifyouwanttoseeanawkward,sweatypilotepisode,watch30Rock.Iwillnotbejoiningyou,becauseIneverwanttowatchthatmessagain.(The30Rockwritingstaffhaveaskedmetostopsayingthepilotwasterrible,sofromhereonoutIwillrefertoitas“quirkyandunique.”)Imetwithseveralexcellentactorsaboutplaying
theroleofJackDonaghy,andwitheachmeetingitbecameincreasinglyclearthatthepartwasmeantforAlecBaldwin.ButIdidn’thavetoworkupthenervetotalktohimaboutityet,becausenowIwaspregnantandtheshootingofthepilotwaspostponed.
InSeptember,mydaughterwasborn.(Fortherecord:epidural,vaginaldelivery,didnotpooponthetable.)
AroundChristmastimeIwasbacktoworkatSNL,andAlecwashosting.TheshowwasgoodthatweekandAlecwashavingagoodtime.LorneandIlookedateachother—shouldwejustaskhim?
LorneaskedhimandAlecsaidyes.Istayedoutoftheroom,whichismyspecialty.
AnAuspiciousBeginning
NBCexecutivesmusthaveseensomethingofvalueinmyquirkyanduniquepilot(AlecBaldwin)becausetheydecidedforsomereason(AlecBaldwin)to“pickitup.”ThismeanstheyagreedtomakeelevenmoreepisodesandmaybeshowthemonTV.
TheannouncementofwhichshowsarepickedupeachyeartakesplaceinMayatanadvertisers’
conventioncalledthe“Upfronts.”AdbuyersfromallkindsofcompaniesgatherinNewYorkCityforaweek.Eachdayoneofthenetworkspresentsits“newfalllineup”ofshows.TheyrentoutRadioCityMusicHallortheHiltonballroomandtrytodazzletheadvertiserswithexcitingclipsandpersonalappearancesfromtheirbiggeststars.Theytalkaboutwhich“targetdemographics”
theyreachandhowmany“upscale”viewerstheyhave.Itissexy,likehaving-lunch-with-your-parents-after-a-medical-examsexy.
Theadvertisersthendecidewheretheywanttospendtheiradmoney,andthenetworksknowhowmuchmoneythey’llhavetoworkwithinthefall.
Wehavenowexceededmy
understandingofthetelevisionbusiness.
Rightbeforethe2006Upfronts,IwascalledintoLorneMichaels’sofficeattwointhemorningafteranSNLshow.“Thisisit,”Ithought.“They’vecometotellustheywanttheshow.”Idon’tknowwhyIwassoconfidenttheywould(AlecBaldwin).
Ihadmixedfeelingsaboutthis.Inowhadaneightmontholdathome,andIwasn’tsurethatthisnewseventy-hour-a-weekjobwas,asdisgracedpoliticianssay,“inthebestinterestofmyfamilyatthiscurrentjunctureatthepresenttime.”
Iwasalittleexcitedbutmostlyblorft.“Blorft”isanadjectiveIjustmadeupthatmeans
“Completelyoverwhelmedbutproceedingasifeverythingisfineandreactingtothestresswiththetorporofapossum.”Ihavebeenblorfteverydayforthepastsevenyears.
IwentintoLorne’sofficetoreceivemygoodnews,butsomethingwasup.TheCEOofNBC
UniversalTelevisionGroup,
JeffZucker,wasthere,andheseemedagitated.Apparently,withallmybusinesssavvy,Ihadn’trealizedthatAlecBaldwinhadnotsignedupforanyepisodesbeyondthepilot.
NBCwantedAlectosignanewcontractbeforeanyannouncementsweremade,butAlec,beingoneoftheall-timegreatIrishballbusters,wouldnotberushed.
(AlecandIliketojokenowaboutwhatIcallhis“IrishNegotiatingTechnique,”whichusuallyboilsdowntohissaying:“TheyofferedmemoremoneyandItoldthemtogof***themselves.”)SoMr.Zuckerwasbeingforcedtoorderashowthatdidnotactuallyhaveitsstarinplace.Hepacedaroundtheroom.Lornecalmlyassuredhimitwouldallworkout;Alecwouldeventuallysignhis
contract.ThenLornewavedhishandgentlyinfrontofZucker’sfaceandsaid,“Thesearenotthedroidsyou’relookingfor.”Hedidn’t,buthemightaswellhave.
“We’rereallygoingoutonalimbforyouhere,”JeffZuckersaid,wagginghisfingeratmebegrudgingly.“You’repickedup.”Andthen,inamostunfortunate
Freudianslip,Isaid,“You’rewelcome”insteadof“Thankyou.”Andthatwasthegloriousbecomingofwhatwouldgoontobethe102ndmostpopularshowontelevision.*
AssemblingaTeamofRagtagAssassins
Alecdideventuallysignhiscontract,andwestartedproductionthatAugust.
MyfriendandformerSNLcoworkerRobertCarlockhadmovedwithhiswifeandbabyfromCaliforniatoNewYorktobeanexecutiveproducerandco–headwriterontheshow.Wesurroundedourselveswithhardworking,funnypeople.
MyBossypantsManagerialTechniques
I’lladmitthatasafemale
producerIhaveatacit“nohotheads”policy.Foryears,tobeconsideredageniusatcomedy,peoplehadtobe“dangerous”and“unpredictable.”Ihavemetsomeverydangerous,erratic,funnypeopleovertheyears,peopleIadmire,butIdon’twanttoworkwiththemeveryday.Godoyourownshow,toughguys,andIwillgladlywatchitfromthesafetyofmyhome.Ihirethemosttalented
ofthepeoplewhoaretheleastlikelytothrowapunchintheworkplace.IfthisiscontributingtotheDemasculinizationofAmerica,Isayholdatelethonandletmeknowhowitgoes.Idon’teverwanttogetpunchedinthefaceoverajoke—orevenscreamedat.
Thesewerethosegentlepeople:
JackBurditt—aTVveteranwhohadworkedoneveryshowfromMadAboutYoutoFrasiertoDAG.Ahandsome,soft-spoken,GaryCoopertype,Idon’tthinkJacksaidawordthefirstfourweeks.
Whenhefinallyspoke,itwasduringamundaneconversationinthewriters’roomaboutcrappysummerjobswe’dhadasteenagers.
Jacklaughedashetoldhowateighteenhewasoperatingtheroller-coasteratMagicMountainandhowonenight,therewasariotintheparkafteradiscoconcertandsixpeoplegotstabbed.Oneguybledoutinfrontofhim.Thenheturnedinathoughtfulandhilarious30Rockscriptthatshowedhewasmorethanjustaformercarniewhohadwatchedamandie.Acouplemonthslaterhespokeagain
totellushowhehadonceboughtabunchofdepthchargesandthrownthemoffthesideofarowboatinMexico.Also,hebelieveshistornACLwashealedbyavisittoRoswell.AndoncehefaintedinfrontofRingoStarrfromanundiagnosedtesticleinfection.Jack’sstorieswerereasonenoughtokeephimaround;hiselegantscriptswerejustabonus.MVPepisode:204,“Rosemary’s
Baby.”MVPjoke:thispieceofJackDonaghywisdom.
LIZ
Oh,thankGod.Itwasterrible.Iwenttoherapartment.Idon’tthinkshehasatoilet.Isawmyfuture,Jack.
JackpoursLizadrinkandhandsittoher.
JACK
Nevergowithahippietoasecondlocation.
KayCannonwasawomanI’dknownfromtheChicagoimprovworld.Abeautiful,strongmidwesterngalwhohadplayedlotsofsportsandruntrackincollege,Kayhadsubmittedagoodwritingsample,butIwasmoreimpressedbyherathlete’s
approachtotheworld.Shehadacan-doattitude,awillingnesstolearnthroughpractice,andshewascomfortablebeingcoached.Hersuccessattheshowisatestamenttowhyallparentsshouldmaketheirdaughterspursueteamsportsinsteadofpageants.
NotthatKaycouldn’twinabeautypageant—shecould,aslongasforthetalent
competitionshecouldsingakaraokeversionof“RedneckWoman”whileshootingaNerfrifle.MVPjoke:TracyJordanadmonishingapigeonforeatingoutofthegarbage.
C.C.
(givingin)
Noonecanknowwe’retogether,Jack.NotevenyourfriendTracyJordanoutthere.
JACK
Idon’tthinkwehavetoworryaboutTracy.
CUTTO:Tracyinfrontofthebuilding,talkingtoapigeon.
TRACY
Stopeatingpeople’soldfrenchfries,littlepigeon.Havesomeself-respect.
Don’tyouknowyoucanfly?
DaveFinkelandBrettBaerwereawritingteamfromLA,andI’mproudtosaythatduringthatfirstyeartheycontributedsomeofourweirdestmaterial.MVPepisode:118,“Fireworks,”inwhichTracyfindsoutheisadescendantofThomasJefferson.MVPscene:Tracy,anxiousoverthischangeinhisracialidentity,dreamsthat
heisonapaternitytestepisodeofTheMauryPovichShowwithThomasJefferson.Played,fordream-logicandfinancialreasons,byAlecBaldwin.
MAURYPOVICH
SallyHemingsjustcalledyouadog,ThomasJefferson.
THOMASJEFFERSON
Idon’tcare.ThisisaboutTracy.IrodeahorseallthewayfromHeaventotellhimsomething.
TherewasMattHubbard,ababy-facedHarvardboywhoalwayswantedtoorderMcDonald’sforstafflunch,whichIlikedalot.MattandhiswifesubletaplaceontheUpperEastSideofManhattanthatturnedouttohavebedbugs.Thiskindof
deephumansuffering,incombinationwithhishighlyprocesseddiet,transformedhimintoajoke-writingsuperhero.MVPepisode:115,“Hardball.”MVP
joke:TracyJordanonfood.
KENNETH
Hellothere,Mr.Jordan!Mr.Slattery,Mr.Oppenheim.I’vepickedupyourlunch
fromSylvia’s.
Extracornbread,becauseIknowyoulikeit.
TRACY
Likeit?Iloveit!IlovethatcornbreadsomuchIwanttotakeitoutbehindthemiddleschoolandgetitpregnant!
TherewasDaisyGardner,adelicatesoulwithanervous
stomachwhopitchedsomeofthefilthiestjokesyoucouldimagine,inthegentlestvoiceyoucouldimagine.MVPepisode:116,“TheSourceAwards,”inwhichJackDonaghytriestorecoverfromthefailureofhisfoul-tastingwine,DonaghyEstates,bytryingtomarketittothehip-hopcommunityasareplacementforCristal.MVP
joke:rapperGhostfaceKillahtryingtoswigDonaghyEstatesduringamusicvideo.
GHOSTFACEKILLAH(CONT’D)
’CAUSEIGETRAWANDTAKENAMES/JUSTLIKELEBRONJAMES/ANDDONAGHYKINDARHYMES
WITHPARTY/WHICHIS
COOL–
Hetakesanothersip,reacts,disgusted.
GHOSTFACEKILLAH(CONT’D)
Igottatakeabreak.Ican’tdrinkanymoreofthis.Mytummyhurts!
TheLordsentmeJohnRiggi,whouponfirstmeeting
lookedlikeanangrylongshoremaninadenimjacketandaskullcap,butturnedouttobeasensitiveItalianboyfromCincinnatiandanexcellentcook.MVPepisode:104,“BlindDate.”MVPjoke:
LIZ
YoumeanGretchenThomas?Thebrilliantplasticsengineer-slash-lesbian?
(offhispuzzledlook)
WhatmadeyouthinkIwasgay?
JACK
Yourshoes.
Lizlooksdownathershoes.Theyareprettyborderline.
LIZ
Well,I’mstraight.
JACK
Thoseshoesarebi-curious.
OuryoungestwriterwasDonaldGlover.HehadjustgraduatedfromNYU’swritingprogramandwasstilllivinginadormandworkingasanRA.DonaldwasouronlyAfricanAmericanwriteratthetime,buthisreal
diversitywasthathewasouronly“coolyoungperson”whocouldtelluswhatthe“kidswerelisteningtothesedays.”Also,becausehecamefromalargefamilyinGeorgia,hewasveryhelpfulinwritingforthecharacterKenneththePage.MVPjoke:ascenewhereJenna(JaneKrakowski)istryingtoteachKenneth(JackMcBrayer)howtobragabouthimselfinapassive-aggressiveway.
JENNA
Notevena“backdoor”brag?
KENNETH
What’sa“backdoor”brag?
JENNA
It’ssneakingsomethingwonderfulaboutyourselfintoeverydayconversation.LikewhenItellpeople,“It’shard
formetowatch‘AmericanIdol,’becauseIhaveperfectpitch.”
KENNETH
Oh…ew.
JENNA
Nowyoutry.
KENNETH
It’shardformetowatch“AmericanIdol”’causethere’sawaterbugonmychannelchanger.
It’shardformetopinpointwhatIlikemostaboutthatjoke.IsitthatKennethistrulyincapableofbragging?TherevelationthatKenneth’sapartmentiscrawlingwithwaterbugs?No,Ithinkit’stheuseofthegrandmotherlyexpression“channel
changer.”
AsforRobertCarlock,hisstrengthsareeruditereferences,absurdjokeconstructions,andWhiteMaleMalaiseinamulticulturalworld.MVPepisodes:105,“Jacktor”;215,“SandwichDay”;310,
“Generalissimo”;416,“Apollo,Apollo.”MVPjoke:toomanytoname,butthe
characterthatflowsfromhimthemostfreelyisDr.LeoSpaceman(ChrisParnell).Attheendofseason1,Jacksuffersaheartattack.HisunscrupulousshowbizdoctorcomesouttothewaitingroomtogiveLiz,Jack’smother(ElaineStritch),andJack’sfiancée(EmilyMortimer)aprognosis.
Dr.SpacemanentersfromI.C.U.Hislabcoatiscovered
inblood.Thewomenallgasp.
DR.SPACEMAN
What,this?No,no,Iwasatacostumepartyearlierthisevening…andthehostess’sdogattackedmesoIhadtostabit.
PerhapstheCarlockianworldviewisbestsummedupbythisexchangefroma
recentepisode,whenTracyarrivesatthehospitaljustafterthebirthofhisdaughter.
TRACY(O.C.)(CONT’D)
Whyisthebabycoveredingoop?!
DR.SPACEMAN(O.C.)
Becauseeverythingaboutthisisdisgusting!
TakingtheWorldbyStorm!(StormDowngradedtoLightRainby
WeatherExperts)
WepremieredonWednesday,October11,2006,at8:00P.M.andwewereaninstanthit—likefigsfordessertorbringingyourguitaroutataparty.WewereNewCoke!
Wewerenotahit.
Butwebarreledaheadknowingthatwe’datleastcomeoutofthiswithDVDstoshowourfriends.Thestoryideascamefastandfuriousinthebeginning.“WhatifTracywentoffhismedicationandstartedhallucinatingalittlebluedudeeverywhere?”Sure.“WhatifJennawasinamoviecalledTheRuralJurorandnoonecouldunderstand
herwhenshesaidthetitle?”Fine.“WhatifwedoastoryaboutLizbeingcalledacunt?”Whywouldn’twe?Thathadhappenedtomeplenty!*
Youknowthatsaying“Danceasifnooneiswatching”?Well,that’swhatweweredoing.Weweredancingwithabandon,andnoonewaswatching.Actually,aboutfiveandahalfmillionpeople
werewatching,butthatcountsasnothing.InmyChicagotheaterdays,therulewastherehadtobemorepeopleintheaudiencethanonthestageorwecancelledtheshow.AlthoughonceIdidatwo-womanplaycalledIronmistressforanaudienceoftwo.Sofivemillionpeopleseemedprettygoodtome.ButbackwhenFriendswasinitsprime,theyhadabouttwenty-fivemillionviewers.
Wewereinjeopardy.
Idon’tthinkRobertCarlockunpackedhissuitcasethatwholefirstyear.Heprobablydidn’tevenbuyfullgallonsofmilk,assumingwe’dbecancelledanyminuteandhe’dhavetochugthewholethingandgetbackontheplanetoLosAngeles.
Iproceededwiththeblitheconfidenceofamoron.Iwas
thebabyinthemovieBaby’sDayOut,toddlingdownthestreet,completelyunawarethatananvilhadjustfallenbehindme.*Conversely,everytimetheofficephonerang,Robertputhiscoaton.Thatwastheburdenofhishigherintelligence.
Weworkedincrediblyhardthatfirstyear,andeveryyearsince.CarlockandIcan’tbelieveweusedtocomplain
aboutthehoursatSNL,whichnowseemlikeacakewalk.Especiallyforme,becausethat’sallIdidmyfirsttwoyearsatSNL:walkaroundandlookforcake.Forcontext,I’veattachedachartthatshowstherelativestresslevelsofvariousjobs.
JeffZuckerandNBCpresidentofPrimetimeDevelopmentKevinReillyprovedtoberealchampions
oftheshow.WestartedmakingjokesaboutNBCanditsthenparentcompany,GE,almostimmediately.Wedidn’thaveanythingagainstGEorevenreallyknowanythingaboutGE,butwehadpaintedourselvesintoacornerbymakingitJackDonaghy’sworkplaceintheshow.WhenCarlockgotacallonedayfromawomanintheGELegalDepartmentdisputingtheaccuracyofa
GEmentioninoneofourscripts,wewereconfusedandnervous.Whydoestheparentcompanyhaveourscripts?Isthisgoingtohappeneveryweek?Don’ttheyknowI’mthebabyfromBaby’sDayOut?ApparentlyitwasMr.
Zuckerwhopersonallyintervenedandexplainedtohismorecorporatepeersthatthesewerejustjokesandweweretobeleftalone.Maybe
heassumedwe’dbedeadsoon.Whateverthereason,IappreciateNBCforlettingusmakejokesaboutthemallthetime.Idon’tthinkABCorCBSwouldstandforthatabuse,andI’llprobablyneverfindout.
Doing,Learning,Dying
Weshoot30Rockonfilm,likealittlemovieeachweek.Thismeansthatwefilm
everylineofdialogueaboutfivetimesfromaboutfivedifferentangles.Everytimeweswitchanglesittakesabouttwentyminutestomovethecamerasaround.Everyfiveminutesthecamerasrunoutoffilmandwehavetoreload.Ifsomeone’sgettingonourfakeelevatorinascene,itusuallytakesanextrafivetriestohavetheelevatordoorcloseattherighttime.You
don’tevenwanttoknowwhathappensifthere’sadog,cat,parrot,baby,orpeacockintheshot.Andworstofall,ourcastandcrewlikeoneanotherandenjoylivelyconversations.Allthisjocularityaddsuptoaboutfourteenhoursaday.
(Ifweshotonthisnewfangledhi-defvideoitwouldgofaster,butwewouldlooklikethezombie
backupdancersinThriller.)
Weonlyshootinthis“singlecamera”stylebecauseitiscurrentlythefashion.ClassicshowslikeFrasier,EverybodyLovesRaymond,andSeinfeldwereshot“multi-camera”infrontofanaudience.I’mprettysureittookaboutthreehoursaweek.Idon’tknowwhythenetwork’stastechangedtosingle-camerashows,but
there’snobuckingfashiontrends.Ifthatwerepossible,I’dstillbewearingthisamazingpairoflightbluejeansIownedincollegethathadfourbuilt-inbeltsacrossthefront.
ThatfirstseasonwhenweshotonlocationinManhattan,peoplewouldstoptowatchbeforerealizingwewerenotSexandtheCity,whentheywouldleave
immediately.Ilearnedalotaboutactingthatyear.WhatIlearnedaboutFilmActingisthatit’smostlyaboutnotstandinginotherpeople’slight,andrememberingwhathandyouhadyourpapersin.Whenyoudoyour“off-camera”linesforsomeone,youtrytoputyourheadrealclosetothecamera.That’saboutit.You’reatrainedfilmactornow.
AnythingIlearnedaboutRealActingIlearnedfromwatchingAlecBaldwin.ByRealActingImean“animitationofhumanbehaviorthatisbothemotionallynaturalandmechanicallypreciseenoughastoelicittearsorlaughterfromhumans.”AlecisamasterofbothFilmActingandRealActing.
Hecanplaytheemotionat
thecoreofascene—heisfallinginlove,hismotheristorturinghim,hismentorhasbeenreincarnatedasapeacock—whilerecitinglongspeecheswordforwordandhittingallthejokeswiththerightrhythm.YouwouldbesurprisedhowmanymajorOscar-winningmoviestarscannotdothis.Thereareonlyaboutninepeopleintheworldwhocandothis;maybethreemorethatwedon’t
knowaboutinNorthKorea.
Alecknowshowtoletthecameracometohim.Hecanconveyalotwithasmallmovementofhiseyes.HespeakssoquietlysometimesthatIcanbarelyhearhimwhenI’mstandingnexttohim,butwhenyouwatchthefilmback,it’sallthere.
Itmaynothavemademeabetteractor,butatleastnowI
knowwhywhatI’mdoingisterrible.
Aftereachfourteen-houractingclasswasover,Iwouldmeetupwithfiveorsixwritersatmyapartmenttocatchuponwhattheyhadwrittenduringtheday.Duringthoseearlydayswe’dorderfoodandworkuntiloneortwointhemorning.Myhusband,Jeff,satinwhatwasmeanttobeapantryand
wrotemusictoscoretheshow.Wekeptavideobabymonitornexttothecomputerscreen,andIcouldwatchmydaughtersleepingwhileweworked.Iwouldexcusemyselfoccasionallytochangeadiaperinthenight.Usuallyforthebaby.Thesewilldefinitelybemyhappiestmemoriesofthistime,becauseeverythingIcaredaboutwaswithintenfeetofme.OnenightIputmy
daughtertobed,workedwiththewritersallnight,andinthemorningwhenshetoddledout,thewriterswerestillthere.Itwasthebestworstthingever.
Anothernighttoremember:AroundthreeA.M.,CarlockandIwereleadingarewriteinmylivingroomandrealizedthatwehadbothfallenasleepwhiletalking.Whenwewokeupafew
moments(orhours?)later,theotherwriterswerejustsittingpolitely,awaitingfurtherinstruction.Thatisadedicatedstaff.
Theonlydownsidewasthatthenextday’sworkbeganatsixA.M.Inspiteoftheexhaustion,IamproudtosayIlostmycoolonlyonce,inmykitchen.“It’stoomuch.It’sjusttoomuchwork,”Isobbedtomyhusband.Please
refertotheCoalMiningandMilitaryServicesectionsofChartAforperspective.
Iturnedtodomesticviolenceonlyonce.WeweregoingtobedatthreeA.M.,knowingwe’dhavetogetbackupatfivethirtyA.M.,andmyhusbandkepttalkingandtalkingasajokewhenIwastryingtofallasleep.Hisexhaustionhadgivenhimthegiggles,andhekeptpoking
meandwakingmeupsayingthingslike“Hey,Igottaaskyouonemorething.Doyoulikepretzels?”IflewoffmypillowandshovedhimsohardacrossthebedthatIsawgenuinefearflashacrosshisface.Itwasoneoftheveryfew“deletedscenesfromStar80”inmylife.
ThereisoneotherembarrassingsecretImustreveal,somethingI’venever
admittedtoanyone.
Thoughwearegratefulfortheaffection30Rockhasreceivedfromcriticsandhipsters,wewereactuallytryingtomakeahitshow.Weweren’ttryingtomakealow-ratedcriticaldarlingthatsnarledinthefaceofconventionality.WeweretryingtomakeHomeImprovementandwediditwrong.Youknowthose
scientistswhoweredevelopingablood-pressuremedicineandtheyaccidentallyinventedViagra?WeweretryingtomakeViagraandweendedupwithblood-pressuremedicine.
Nomatterhowmanytimeswetriedtocourse-correcttheshowtomakeitmoreaccessible—slowthedialoguedown,tellfewerstoriesperepisode,stop
puttingpeopleinblackface—theshowwouldendupcareeningofftherailsagain.Inmylimitedexperience,showsarelikechildren.Youcanteachthemmannersanddresstheminlittlesailorsuits,butintheend,they’regoingtobewhothey’regoingtobe.
Byepisodeeleven30Rockhadreallyfounditsvoice,anditwasthevoiceofa
crazyperson.Theepisodeendedupbeingcalled“BlackTie,”butwhilewewereshootingwereferredtoitas“Good-bye,America.”Wewerecomingtotheendofourinitialorderandtherewasnosignofourbeingpickedupagain.Theotherreasonwewerecallingit“Good-bye,America”wasbecausethisepisodewasnuts.Ifwehadanyconcernthattheshowwastooweirdtosucceed,we
certainlyweren’thelpingourselveswiththisone.ThemainstoryoftheepisodeisthatAlec’scharacter,JackDonaghy,attendsabirthdaypartyforhisfriend,aninbredAustrianprincenamedGerhardtHapsburg.
GerhardtHapsburgwasplayedbyPaulReubens,thegeniusknowntomostasPee-weeHerman.
Paulcommitteddeeplytohisrole.Hechosetowearfaketeethandpalemakeup,andhehadonetinyivoryhand(yearsbeforeKristenWiig’stinyhandsonSNL,ourwriterswouldwantmetopointout).Incaseyouwerewonderingif30Rockwouldeverbeacommercialhit,lookatthispicture.
Inthestory,Jenna(JaneKrakowski)isdeterminedto“GraceKelly”herselfbymeetingandmarryingGerhardtandbecomingaprincess.Thisculminatesina
scenewhereshedancesfortheprince.
Janedanced(likenoonewaswatching)asPaulimprovised,callingoutdifferentdancestyles:“Jazz!Tap!
Jitterbug!Charleston!Interpretive!Twirl!Twirlagain!Keeptwirling!”AfterheprofesseshisloveforJennaandshereciprocates,
Gerhardttakesasipofcelebratorychampagne,knowingthatitwillkillhimbecausehismalformedbodycannotmetabolizegrapes.Hediesimmediately.Thiswasourbestattemptatwritingasitcom.
PoorGerhardtservesasametaphorfortheshowitself—strangebutnotstupid,desperatetobelovedbutabhorrenttomost.Aproud
memberofanaristocracythatnolongerexisted—networktelevision.
SomeUnsolicitedTheoriesAboutTelevision
Gerhardt’spictureleadsmetosomethingelseI’dliketoacknowledge,whichiswhatahuman-lookingcastweare.Sure,AlechasamoviestarfaceandJaneisleggyandblond,butthecumulativeage
ofourseriesregularsis210,andeventheAfricanAmericansamongusareprettypasty.Ipersonallylikeacastwithalotofdifferent-shapedfacesandweirdlittlebodiesandadiversearrayofweakchins,becauseithelpsmetellthecharactersapart.Whenactorsaretoogood-looking,Ican’tmemorizethem.Forexample,IhaveneverseenapictureofSiennaMillerwhereIdidn’tsay,
“Thatgirl’spretty.Whoisthat?”
Foryearsthenetworkshavetriedtore-createthesuccessofFriendsbymakingpilotafterpilotaboutbeautifultwenty-somethingslivingtogetherinNewYork.Beautifultwenty-somethingslivinginLosAngeles.Beautifultwenty-somethingsinvestigatingsexychildmurdersinMiami.
Thistemplateneverworks,becauseexecutivesrefusetorealizethatFriendswastheexception,nottherule.ThestarsofbelovedshowslikeCheers,Frasier,Seinfeld,Newhart,andTheDickVanDykeShowhadnormalhumanfaces.Andthat’swhatsomeofthepeopleonourshowhave.
WhenyouwatchedSanfordandSon,youdidn’twantto
havesexwitheverybodyyousaw,justGrady.I’veneverunderstoodwhyeverycharacterbeing“hot”wasnecessaryforenjoyingaTVshow.It’sthesamereasonIdon’tgetHooters.Whydoweneedtoenjoychickenwingsandboobiesatthesametime?Yes,theyareanaturalandbeautifulpartofthehumanexperience.Andsoareboobies.Butwhyatthesametime?Goingtothe
bathroomispartoflife,butwewouldn’tgotoarestaurantthathadtoiletsforseats…orwouldwe?ExcusemewhileIcallmybusinessmanager.
Hesaidit’sa“nonstarter.”TheyalreadyhavethatinJapan.
Theweekafter“Good-byeAmerica,”weshotepisodetwelve,whichwascalled
“TheBabyShow.”Itwasofficiallythelastshowofourorder.Membersofourcrewwerecallingaroundlookingfortheirnextjob.Onset,peoplestartedeyeingthefurniture,wonderingwhatitwouldgoforintheCancellationFireSale.
DonFeyhappenedtobevisitingthesetthatlastweekwhenKevinReillycalledtosaythatwewerepickedup
fortherestoftheseason.Imayneverknowwhytheychosetokeeptheshowgoing(AlecBaldwin),butmyproudestmomentasanadultwaswalkingbackontothesoundstageandtellingeveryonetheystillhadjobs.(MyproudestmomentasachildwasthetimeIbeatmyunclePierreatScrabblewiththeseven-letterwordFARTING.)
ByMarch,thefirstseasonof30Rockwascomplete.(Fortherecord:noepidural,groupvaginaldelivery,didnotpooponthetable.)ThatSeptemberwewontheEmmyforOutstandingComedySeries.
Now,IknowI’mnotsayinganythingthathasn’tbeensaidhundredsoftimes,but30Rockistheperfectsymbolforthepro-lifemovementinAmerica.Here’sthislittle
showthatnoonethoughtwouldmakeit.I’msureNBCconsideredgettingridofit,butbythetimewewontheEmmy,theyweretoofaralong.
Asthemotherofthisnowfive-year-oldshow,wouldIstillratherhaveabig,strongTwoandaHalfMenthanoursicklylittleprogram?No,Iwouldnot,becauseIlovemyweirdlittleshow.Ithinkthis
showwasputonearthtoteachmepatienceandcompassion.
“TheDaysAreLongandtheYearsAreShort”
—Stay-at-HomeMomsandSexWorkers
Nowthatwe’vefinishedseason5,it’stimetostartshoppingforparachutesagain.RobReinerwasa
guestontheshowthisyear,andhewentoutofhiswaytotellusalltoappreciatethisjob.Jobslikethisarespecialandtheydon’tlastforever.Noneedtoremindme,MichaelStivic.Ihaveseenmyfuture,anditisaweight-lossgameshowonLifetime.AndIdon’tevenwin.
HereareanswerstosomeFAQabout30Rock:
Q:IsAlecBaldwinreallyleavingshowbusiness?
A:Idon’tknow,butwedohaveacontingencyplan:aslightlyoutoffocusBillyBaldwin.
Q:IsTracyMorganaswildandcrazyashischaracter?
A:There’sonlyonewayforyoutofindout.DriveacrosscountrywithhiminaPrius.
Q:WillJackandLizever“hookup”?
A:Inspiteoftheir“SamandDiane”sparring,theirrelationshipwillremainmorelike“NormandCliff”—makingoutwhiledrunkandthendenyingit.
Q:Whenisiton,again?
A:Thursdaysateither10:00or8:30or…youknowwhat?
JustDVRit.
Q:WheredidyoufindGrizzandDotcom?
A:GrizzandDotcomwerebornadorableandfullyclothedandfoundnestledinafield.TheyweretheinspirationfortheCabbagePatchdollsandtheCabbagePatchdance.
Q:Whenarewegonnasee
moreofPeteandthewriters?
A:Season9.
Q:HasTracyMorganeverFrench-kissedanNBCexecutive?
A:Yes,butonlyatanofficialNBCevent,andonlyagainstherwill.
Q:IsJackMcBrayerreallylikehischaracter?
A:No,Jack’scharacterisasimplefarmboyfromStoneMountain,Georgia.Jackhimselfwouldbeuselessonafarm,andhe’sfromthebank-robberyandteen-sex-scandalmetropolisofConyers,Georgia.
Q:HowcomeLizLemontalkssomuchaboutfoodandovereatingbutshe’snotfat?
A:ThecharacterLizLemon
hasarareconditioncalled“orophasmia,”whereeverythingsheeatsimmediatelyfallsoutherbottomlikeaghost.Thiswasestablishedinepisode219,“TheOneAboutLiz’sOrophasmia,”intheroller-coasterscenewithEmmy-nominatedgueststarMarisaTomei.
Q:Is30Rockthemostracistshowontelevision?
A:No,inmyopinionit’sNFLfootball.Whydotheyportrayallthoseguysasmurderersandrapists?
Q:HowmanyjanitorsworkatTGS,thefictionalshowwithintheshow?
A:Wehaveestablishedeightdistinctjanitorialcharacters.Joe,Subhas,OldJanitor,Rolly,Khonani,Euzebia,Rosa,andJadwiga.Action
figuresareintheworks.
Sarah,Oprah,andCaptainHook,orHowtoSucceedbySortofLookingLikeSomeone
IwouldneverhavemadeitintothecastofSaturdayNightLiveifI’dhadtogoaboutitintheregularway.Whenpeopleauditionfortheshow,theyhavetostandonthehistoricSNLhomebase
stageandtrytogetalaughfromthefourorfivestone-coldstrangerswatchingthem.Theyhavetodemonstratetheirfunnycharactersandvoices,ofwhichIhavenone.Myownchildcouldtellyouthatmy“funnyvoices”arecompletelyderivativeandmyMr.Smeeimpressionsoundsnothingliketheguyinthemovie.
IendeduponTVbecause
LorneMichaelslikestopromotefromwithin.WhenhehadtochoosewhowouldreplaceDavidLettermaninLateNightonNBC,hepickedunknownformerSNLwriterConanO’Brien.WhenitwastimetopicknewanchorsforWeekendUpdatein1999,hedidanationwidetalentsearchthatwentallthewayacrossthehall.Heletoneoftheheadwritersoftheshow—me—doascreentest
withcastmemberJimmyFallon.BythetimeItestedfortheshow,Ihadalreadyworkedthereforthreeyears.Iwasn’tintimidatedbyanyoneintheroom,andIalreadyhadadayjobattheshowtofallbackon.Ididn’thavetodocharacters,justreadjokeswithoutmessingup.
ThetimingoftheWeekendUpdateturnoverwas,atthat
pointinmylife,theluckiest,craziestthingthathadeverhappenedtome.
Inrehearsingforthescreentest,IrealizedthatIcouldn’tseethecuecards.I’vewornglassestoseefarawaysinceIwastwenty-one,butIonlyneedthemforafewactivities,likegoingtothemovies,findingOrion’sbelt,andreadingcuecards.SoIwenttothedoctorandgotmy
firstpairofcontactlenses.ThedayofthescreentestIspentabouttwenty-fiveminutesnervouslytryingtogetthelensesontomyeyeballs.Rightupuntilcameratime,Iwassweatyandgreenfromhavingtotouchmyowneyeballslikethat.Ifyou’veneverhadtodoit,I’dsayit’snotquiteasquease-makingaswhenyouloseyourtamponstring,butequallyqueasishtoaself–
breastexam.Ifyouaremale,Iwouldlikenittotouchingyourowneyeball,andthankyouforbuyingthisbook.
JimmyandIdidascreentest,asdidabunchofotherpeopleinthecastandseveralcomicsfromtheoutsideworld.BecauseJimmywasastarandLornefeltthatIwouldmakesurethewritingofthesegmentgotdone,JimmyandIgotthejob.
Wedidanothercameratestforsetandlighting.Lessthaneagertotouchmyowneyeballsagain,Ijustworemyglassesthesecondtimearound.Afterthetest,thegreatcomedywriterandchroniclerofhumanperversionsT.SeanShannon
cameuptomeandsaidinhisTexasdrawl,“Youshouldleavethemglasseson,sister.”Andso,acommonplacelibrarianfetishwasembracedforprofit.
OnceIwashiredtodoUpdate,everynowandthenthewriterswouldputmeinasketch.Thisusuallyhappenedonlyifalltheotherwomenwerealreadyinthesketchandtheyhadrunoutof
bodies.
Buttheydidn’tusememuch,becauseIcouldneverreallylooklikeanybodyelse.MollyShannonhasagreatfaceforwigs.Herfeaturesaredelicateandsymmetrical,andhercoloringisneutralenoughthatshecanplayablondCourtneyLoveorraven-hairedMonicaLewinskyandyoubuyit.MayaRudolph’sfacecanchangefrom
DonatellaVersacetoBeyoncéinaminuteandseventeenseconds.Ialwaysjustlooklikeme,inawig.(SeebelowpicturesofmenotresemblingDinaLohan,JaniceDickinson,orBarbaraPierceBush.)
TheclosestIevercametolookinglikeanyoneelsewaswhentheytriedtodressmeuplikeabeardedladyfromthecircusandIlookedjust
likemybrother.Ithassomethingtodowiththefactthatmyeyesandeyebrowsareverydarkbutmyskinisverypaleandmynoseiskindoflong.Iwasabsolutelyuselesswhenitcametobeingalook-alike.
SoYouCanImagineMySurprise…
SoyoucanimaginemysurpriseonAugust29,2008,
whenmyhusbandcalledmeintotheroomtowatchCNN.JohnMcCainhadselectedfirst-termAlaskagovernorSarahPalinashisrunningmate,andtwothingswereobviousrightaway.One,thiswasacravenattempttolureHillaryvotersawayfromObama,andtwo—“Shekindoflookslikeyou,”myhusbandsaid.Iscoffed.Itwasjustthatshehadbrownhairandglasses.Butthee-
mailsstartedcoming,fromfriendsandcousinsandcoworkers.Peopleseemedtothinkwereallylookedalike.Themostpowerfulmindsintheworld—cablenewsanchorsandInternetusers—startedspeculatingastowhetherIwouldplayheronSaturdayNightLive.
Wehadalreadydonetwofullseasonsof30Rockandwerejustbeginningtoshootseason
3.IfIhadbeenwonderingwhetherpeoplewereawareofthenewshow,theanswerwasnowclear;theywerenot.NoonehadevennoticedthatIdidn’tworkatSaturdayNightanymore.Also,nooneseemedtorememberthatwhenIdidworkthere,Ionlydidthenews.Theydidn’tcare.Theywereinablindfrenzy.“Brownhair!Glasses!”
InaShockingTurnofEvents…
Inashockingturnofevents,OprahWinfreyhadexpressedtheslightestpoliteinterestinbeingon30Rock.Desperatetofindalargeraudience,wejumpedatthischancelikemethheadsoveracoughsyrupcounter.RobertCarlockwroteahilariousscriptwhereLizLemonmeetsOprahonaplane.(You
canbuyitoniTunes!)WesentthescripttosomewomenatHarpo,whotoldusthatOprahlikeditandtheyweresureshewoulddoit.Wewereecstatic.Asthesummerworeon,however,itbecameclearthatOprahhadnotactuallyseenthescript.InlateAugust,Oprah’schiefofstaff(Iamnotjoking)hadcalledtosaythatOprahwasreallysorrybutshewouldnotbeabletodotheshow.This
wasplannedasoursecondepisodeoftheseason,andOprahwasirreplaceableinit.Wehadalreadyshothalftheepisode.Ifthisfellapartnow,itwouldcosttheshowhundredsofthousandsofdollars.Ihadthenerve-rackingtaskofgettingonthephonewithMs.Winfreyandtryingtotalkherintoit.Iamterribly,terriblysuitedforsuchjobs.I’mshyandhavenosalesmanship—Iam
actuallyabletoconveysweatypalmsoverthephone.Ididn’ttrytosellMs.Winfreyonthecomedyoftheepisode;insteadIappealedtoherknowledgeoftelevisionschedulesandhowroyallycornholedwe’dbeifshedeclined.Shelistened,becausesheissmartandgenerous.Sheagreedtoletusdoarewriteofthescriptandconsiderit,butIknewthatuntilthatOprahfootagewas
“inthecan,”Iwouldcarryaroundaveryspecificformofphysicalanxietythatfeelskindoflikemyheartshrinkinguplikearaisin.
Meanwhile,AcrossTown…
Meanwhile,acrosstown,thestaffofSaturdayNightLivewaspreparingtostarttheirseasonearly,onSeptember13,tocoverthisveryimportantnationalelection.
Theshowisalwaysexcitingduringelectionyearsandhasprovenitspoliticalrelevancetimeandtimeagainoveritsthirty-five-yearrun.(IhavetoincludesentenceslikethatbecauseI’mtryingtogetcollegecreditforthis.)OnSeptember3,2008,thengovernorPalinacceptedthevicepresidentialnomination.Aroundthissametime,Oprahformallyagreedtobeon30Rock,anditwasdetermined
thatmydaughter’sthird-birthdaypartywouldhaveaPeterPantheme.Eachoftheseeventswasequallyimportantinmylife.
LorneandIdiscussedtheoverwhelmingpublicopinion(hyperbole)thatIshouldplayGovernorPalin.Apparently,thatmorningbothLorne’sdoormanandRobertDeNirohadstoppedhimtosayhowuncannytheresemblance
was.DidwedaredisappointFranktheDoormanandRobertDeNiro?
LorneandIsharedthesamehesitation:Ifeveryoneintheworldhadthesamecastingidea,itcouldn’tpossiblybeagoodidea,right?WhenyouworkatSNL,peoplecomeuptoyouallthetimeandsaystufflike“Youknowwhatyoushoulddo?Askitaboutmybrother-in-law,”or“You
shoulddoaskitwhereTigerWoodsandObamaaregayforeachother.”Or“Thatshowhasn’tbeengoodsincetheseventies.”Peoplealwayshavelotsofopinionsabouttheshowandthey’reneverright,sowhywouldtheyberightnow?
ButLorneisalsoanold-schoolproducer,andsomewheredeepdownIthinkheknewthatifhecastmein
thepart“bypopulardemand,”evenifIsucked,itmightbeagoodrating.Agoodratingisagoodrating,evenifpeopletuneinjusttobemadabouthowmuchitsucked.
Wedecidednottodecide.ThisisanothertechniqueI’dlearnedfromLorne.Sometimesifyouhaveadifficultdecisiontomake,juststalluntiltheanswer
presentsitself.
Backat30Rock…
Backat30RockwescheduledourshootingdaywithMissOprahWinfrey.ShegenerouslyofferedtoflyinonSaturday,September13,topickupherscenes.Thiswasperfect.Icouldsafelyplanmydaughter’spartyforSundaythe14th.Theonlyremainingproblem
wasthatIcouldnotfindPeterPanplatesorcups.YoucanfindTinkerbellorCaptainHook,butnoPeterPan.WasDisneyinsomekindoflegalconflictwiththeJ.M.Barrieestate?Therewasnotimetogetinvolvedinthat!Ihadlessthanaweek!CaptainHookcupsmixedwithTinkerbellplateswouldhavetosuffice.
Itwasfourdaysuntilthe
seasonpremiereofSNLandstillnodecisionfromLorne.Iwaswalkingaroundthe30RockofficestellingeveryonethatIcouldn’tpossiblyplayPalin—IwastoobusyandIdidn’tdoimpressionsandit’simportanttosaynosometimesandIcouldn’tpossiblycommittoit—butinthebackofmyhead,Iwasveryawarethatnoonehadactuallyaskedmetodoit.“Hashecalledyouyet?Has
hecalledyouyet?”myfriendswereasking.Nope.Islumpedagainstmylockerandtwirledmyponytail.
IhadarrogantlythoughtitwasallaboutmeandwhetherIfeltlikedoingit,butofcourseitwasLorne’sdecisiontomakeandnotmine.It’shisshow.
Stilltryingtocontrolthesituation,IcalledLorne’s
officeonWednesdayeveningaftertheirread-throughandleftamessagetosayIdidn’twanttoplayPalin,shoulditcomeup.Mycallwasnotreturned.
OnWednesdaynight,AliceandIdrewapictureofPeterPantohangupattheparty.Iexplainedtohertheapparentlicensingproblemwiththeplates.Shewasunderstandingandsuggestedwerelaxby
pretendingtobeWendyandamermaidforthenextsixty-fiveminutes.
OnThursday,Oprah’sofficecheckedintosaythatshehadheardImightbedoingSaturdayNightLivethatSaturdayandwouldIratherreschedulehershoot?No,no,no!Getthe“O”inthecan,forthesakeofmyheartraisin.
ThursdaymorningIcheckedthestatusofmyAmazon.comorder.ThebirthdaypresentIhadorderedwasnothereyet.IalsostartedpeekingatYouTubeclipsofSarahPalin.Howhardcouldthatvoicebe?
OnThursdayevening,LornecalledtosaythatSethMeyershadwrittenapieceandIshouldcomeoverlateFridayeveningandrehearseitwith
Amyandifitdidn’tfeelright,someoneelsewoulddoit.
Irambledthroughmyconcerns.KristenWiigwouldbebetteratit.(Lorneagreed.)IfeltthatwhateverIappearedin,peoplewouldassumethatIwroteitandthatitwasexpressingmypersonalopinions.Theseweredelusionsofgrandeur,ofcourse;remember,noone
evennoticedthatIhadquit.
Regardless,Ididn’twanttobeastockcharacterthatanywriteronthestaffcouldmakeuseof.Ididn’twant,forexample,toplaySarahPalininasketchabouthowHillaryClintonwasajealousdykeorsomething.
Also,Iwasskittishtodopoliticalcomedyaftergettingmyselfintotroubleafew
monthsbefore.
MyMouthGoesintoPolitics.TheRestofMeIsForcedtoFollow.
AftertheWriters’GuildofAmericaStrikethatChangedtheWorldin2008,IwasaskedtohostthefirstSaturdayNightLivebackontheair.Finally,theworldwouldseemyfullrangeofcomedycharacters—from
grouchylibrariantoRussianlibrarian.
SethandAmyaskedifIwantedtocomeonWeekendUpdatetodoa“WomanNews”segment.
ThepiecetheUpdatewritersandIthrewtogetherwasmeanttobeaboutthewayHillaryClintonwasbeingtreatedandperceivedduringthecampaign.Itwasmeantto
pointoutthatAmericaseemedmorecomfortablewithamaleminoritycandidatethanawhitefemalecandidate.Itwasmeanttodiscuss(injokeform)thatpeopledidn’ttaketoHillarybecauseofthisvaguefeelingthatshewaskindofabitchandhowunfairthatwas.Itwasmeanttobeaboutgenderpolitics,notactualpolitics.
Whatcameoutwasanovert
HillaryClintonendorsement.
Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tlikeMrs.Clintonasacandidate;it’sjustthatWeekendUpdatefeaturesarewrittensohastily.Ifyou’rehosting,youdon’tevenstartwritingthemuntilSaturdayafternoon.It’snosurprisethattheycancomeoutsloppyandstrident.Iwasinthehost’sdressingroombetweendressrehearsalandair—feelinglikeStallone,
butwithoutthecigarortheniceteeth.Ijustwantedtheshowtobegood.IneededapunchierendingtotheHillaryClintonUpdatepiece,andmyfriendandmakeupartistRichardDeansuggested“Bitchisthenewblack.”Itmadesenseinthecontextofthepieceandwascertainlypunchy.Also,itwasabout11:10P.M.,soyeah,let’sgowiththat.
IwouldhavechosentostopshortofbeingovertlypoliticalifI’dhadmoretimetosmoothitout,becauseone:Ithinkit’smorepowerfulforcomediansandnewsanchorstobeimpartial,andtwo:Iamacoward.
ThenextdayObamasupportersontheHuffingtonPostwereoutraged.FormerpresidentClintoncalledmeathometothankme.Mrs.
Clintoncalledlaterthatsamedaytothankme,provingthatBillisjustatinybitbetterattheflash-charm-handshakepartofpolitics.
WhenItoldmymomthatformerpresidentClintontoldmeI“didagreatthingformycountry”indefendingMrs.Clintonlikethat,shemadeabarfingsound.DidImentionthatmyparentsareRepublicans?
Fridaycame,andIknowwhatyou’rewondering—yes,theImaginextpirateshipandseamonsterIhadordereddidarrive,andIwrappedtheminmydressingroombetweensetups.Ishotfortwelvehoursatthefake30Rock,then,afterinspectingthecleanlinessofOprah’sairplanesetanddressingroomforthenextmorning,*Iheadedovertothereal30RockatabouttenP.M.to
rehearsewithAmyPoehler.ItookcomfortknowingthatAmycouldcarrythesketchifIstunkitup,becauseshe’ssuchaskilledandgenerousperformer.Imean,she’snoKattaninadress,butconsideringtheDarwinianlimitationsonwomenincomedy,shedoesverywellforherself.
Wewentoutonthestudiofloorinfrontofthecrew,and
Itentativelytriedoutmyhalf-bakedimpression.Nottheworst.Significantroomforimprovement.
BecauseSethandIhadwrittenforrealimpressionistslikeDarrellHammondovertheyears,weknewtherewerecertaintrickswecouldemploy.Whateversoundsarehelpfultotheimpression,youuseasmanyofthemaspossibleinthewriting.For
Palinitwasalotof“hardR’s.”Wordslike“reportersandcommentators.”Wordsyoucan’tsay,youavoid.Forexample,I’veneverbeenabletofigureouthowshesays“Todd.”Amyaddedjokes.Iaddedsomejokes.Thewholeprocesswaspleasantandcollaborativeandeasy.
Saturday,September13,IgotupatsixA.M.andfilmedmysceneswithOprahat
SilvercupStudiosinQueens.Shewasgreat.Shereallydoessmellnice.AndIgottohugheralotinthescenes.(Ifyou’renotintoiTunes,youcanbuy30RockonDVDatyourlocalWalmart.)BetweensetupsIsatwithmydaughteronmylapandwatchedGovernorPalinonYouTubeandtriedtoimprovemyaccent.Oprahseemedgenuinelyconcernedforme.“Howmuchrehearsal
timeareyougoingtoget?”“Doyouhavetapesofhertolistento?”“You’regoingthererightafterthis?!”(Bytheway,whenOprahWinfreyissuggestingyoumayhaveoverextendedyourself,youneedtoexamineyourfuckinglife.)Around5:30
P.M.,OprahandIwrappedandIwentovertoSNL,butnotbeforestealingan
untouchedEdibleArrangements®bouquetfromOprah’sdressingroomtoserveatthebirthdaypartythenextday.
Therestofthenightwentthusly:IgottoSNL,Itriedonmywigandoutfit,AmyandIdidthesketchthreetimes—run-through,dressrehearsal,andlive—andthatwasit.By11:40P.M.,Ihadtherestoftheshowtorelaxandhavea
glassofwine.ItwasactuallythefirstnightoutmyhusbandandIhadinmonths.
Thewholeexperiencewassurprisinglyserene.Maybeit
wasbecausetheOprahfootagewas“inthecan”andmyheartcouldstopeatingitself.MaybeitwasbecauseIwassafeatthesideofmysweetfriendAmy.MaybeitwasbecauseIknewIcouldn’tgetfiredbecauseIdidn’tevenworkthereanymoreanyway.ObviouslyabigpartofitwasthatSethhadwrittenaverygoodsketch.Iwasnotnervousatall,anddoingthatsketchon
liveTVwasapurejoyIhadneverbeforeexperiencedasaperformer.
Hereisthesketch…
Thissketcheasilycouldhavebeenadumbcatfightbetweentwofemalecandidates.WhatSethandAmywrote,however,wastwowomenspeakingouttogetheragainst
sexisminthecampaign.Inreallifethesewomenexperienceddifferentsidesofthesamesexismcoin.Peoplewhodidn’tlikeHillarycalledheraballbuster.Peoplewhodidn’tlikeSarahcalledherCaribouBarbie.Peopleattemptedtomarginalizethesewomenbasedontheirgender.Amy’sline“Althoughitisneversexisttoquestionfemalepoliticians’credentials”wasbasicallythe
thesisstatementforeverythingwedidoverthenextsixweeks.Notthatanyonenoticed.Youallwatchedasketchaboutfeminismandyoudidn’tevenrealizeitbecauseofallthejokes.It’slikewhenJessicaSeinfeldputsspinachinkids’brownies.Suckers!
Thatnight’sshowwaswatchedbytenmillionpeople,soIguessthat
directoratTheSecondCitywhosaidtheaudience“didn’twanttoseeasketchwithtwowomen”cangoshitinhishat.
Thenextday’sbirthdaypartywasalsosuccessfuland,Ibelieve,hadanequalimpactonthe2008presidentialcampaign.Specialthankstomysister-in-lawDee,whobroughtmacaroniandcheese,andJessie,whomadejerk
chicken.Hereisanow-historicphotoofmyfriendMichael’spirateshipcake.
Thenextfewweekswereveryexciting.OnWednesday,mydaughterstartedpreschool.TheSundayafterthat,30Rock
wonsevenEmmys.Meanwhile,onceaweek,Iwenttomygoof-aroundnightjobanddidthesesketches,andthisiswhatIrememberaboutthem.
Week2:KatieCouricInterviewsSarahPalin
IthinkAmywouldwantmetosayshe’sverypregnantinthisphoto.
SethhadoriginallywrittenapiecewithSarahPalin“inone,”whichmeansbyherself,talkingstraighttothecamera.IaskedifwecouldchangeitsoIcouldbewithAmyagain.Sincemybackground
isimprovisationandnotstand-up,Ireallypreferthebuddysystemonstage.TheKatieCouricinterviewwasbasicallyasketchhandedtousonaplate.
Sethquicklywroteadraft,andbecauseIwaswatchingMrs.PalinoverandoveragainonYouTubetotrytoimprovetheimpression,IaskedSethifIcouldputinthislongramblingrunaboutthebailoutthatwasmostlyjusttranscribed.
Bythesecondweek,Irealizedwhatmadethisexperiencesofunanddifferent.Forthefirsttime
ever,Iwasperforminginfrontofanaudiencethatwantedtoseeme.Ihadspentsomanyyearshandingoutfliers,beggingpeopletocheckoutmyimprovteam.Iwassousedtotryingtowintheaudienceoverorjustgetpermissiontobetherethatawillingaudiencewasanincredibleluxury.Itwaslikehavingaweightliftedoffyou.Ithought,“Thismustbewhatit’slikeforDarrell
whenheplaysBillClinton.”OrforTracyMorganwhenhedoesanything.Peoplearejusthappytoseethem.
Week3:TheVicePresidentialDebate
Thiswasmyfavoritesketch,andtherearethreereasonswhy.
One,IfeltlikeIcontributedalotofjokestothisone,somy
writeregolikesitthebest.
Two,QueenLatifahwasthere.
Three,IthoughtthespeechesthatJimDowneywroteforJasonSudeikisasJoeBidenwerebrilliant.EspeciallythestuffwhereBidenistryingtoprovethathe’snotsomeWashingtonelitebytalkingabouthowhe’sfromScranton,Pennsylvania,“the
mostgodforsakenplaceonearth.”Ithoughtthatwasingenious,becausenotonlywastheadhominemattackonScrantonahilariouscomedyleftturn,italsoexemplifiedwhattheelectionhadbecome.Insteadoftalkingaboutissues,everybodywastryingtoprovehow“down-home”theywere.“I’mjustlikeyou”wasthesubtextofeveryspeech.
Politicsandprostitutionhavetobetheonlyjobswhereinexperienceisconsideredavirtue.Inwhatotherprofessionwouldyoubragaboutnotknowingstuff?“I’mnotoneofthosefancyHarvardheartsurgeons.I’mjustanunlicensedplumberwithadreamandI’dliketocutyourchestopen.”Thecrowdcheers.
TwojokesIremember
writingforthedebatesketcharethisoneaboutglobalwarming:GwenIfill
SenatorPalin,addressyourpositiononglobalwarmingandwhetheryouthinkit’sman-madeornot.
Gov.SarahPalin
Gwen,wedon’tknowifthisclimatechangehoozie-what’s-itisman-madeorif
it’sjustanaturalpartofthe“EndofDays.”
Andthisone:
GwenIfill
GovernorPalin,wouldyouextendsame-sexrightstotheentirecountry?
Gov.SarahPalin
Youknow,Iwouldbeafraid
ofwherethatwouldlead.Ibelievemarriageismeanttobeasacredinstitutionbetweentwounwillingteenagers.
Thisjokeaboutthe“sacredinstitutionofmarriage”wasprobablytheroughestjokewedid.
“Rough”insketchcomedylanguagemeansharshordark.AsI’msureyou
remember,Mrs.Palin’sdaughterBristolwaspregnantatthetimeandengagedtoherhighschoolboyfriendLeviJohnston.ThisjokewasrightontheedgeofbeingtoodirectlyaboutthePalinfamily.Ifelt,however,thatbecauseBristol’spregnancyandsubsequentengagementhadbeenembracedbysomanypeopleasashiningexampleofthepro-lifemovement,itwasofficially
partofthecampaign.Also,thejokewasn’tthatrough.Anexampleofatrulyroughjokewouldbethis:
Apedophilewalksthroughthewoodswithachild.Thechildsays,“Thesewoodsarescary.”Thepedophilesays,“Tellmeaboutit.Ihavetowalkbackthroughherealone.”
Thatisaroughjoke.
Or:
SarahPalin:Tothinkthatjusttwoyearsago,Iwasasmall-townmayorofAlaska’scrystalmethcapital.AndnowIamjustoneweirdmoleawayfrombeingpresidentoftheUnitedStates.
AJohnMcCainskincancerjoke?Toorough.ThatwasajokeItriedindressrehearsalintheSarah-Hillarysketch.
MyfriendJenRogers,whoisacancersurvivor,thoughtitwasfunny.Thestudioaudiencedidnot.
IrememberverydistinctlywalkingoffstageafterLatifahyelled“LivefromNewYork,”thinkingthatthiswasthemostfun,excitingthingIwouldeverdo.Irememberthinkingthiswasa“permanentwin.”Noonewouldeverbeabletotakeit
awayfromme.Theproofexistedpermanentlyontapethatonthisoneoccasion,Iwasfunny.
Hereatthemidwaypointofmysix-weekcareer,thesketcheswerereallybecoming“athing.”
TheywerebeingwatchedaroundtheworldontheInternet.AFrenchnewspaperaccidentallyranapictureof
AmyandmefromtheKatieCouricsketchthinkingitwasapictureofCouricandPalin.
AlthoughIthinkthathadlesstodowiththe“powerofsatire”andmoretodowiththefactthattotheFrench,weareallindistinguishablefatdoughballs.
AndOh,theCableNewsReportage!Thegreatthingaboutcablenewsisthatthey
havetohavesomethingtotalkabouttwenty-fourhoursaday.Sometimesit’sAndersonCoopergigglingwithoneoftheRealHousewivesofAtlanta.Sometimesit’sRickSanchezscreamingaboutcornsyrup.Theyhaveendlesstimetofill,butviewersgetkindof“bummedout”iftheysupplyactualinformationaboutwarsandstuff,so“MediaPortrayalofSarahPalin”andSNLandI
becamethecarrageenaninAmerica’snewsnuggetsforseveralweeks.Iwasacablenewsstar,likeasharkoramissingwhitechild!
Thedownsideofbeingacablenewsstaristhatanyasshairwithaclip-ontiecancomeonasan
“expert”totalkaboutyou.Oneday,byaccident,IcaughtthistoolTom
somethingonMSNBCsayingthathethoughtIhadnot“conductedmyselfwell”duringallthis.Inhisopinion,Mrs.PalinhadconductedherselfwithdignityandIhadnot.(I’mprettysureTom’sonlyclaimtoexpertiseisthatheoverseesawebsitewherepeopleguessincorrectlywhomightwinshowbizawards.)TherewasapatronizingattitudebehindTom’scommentsthatIcertainly
don’tthinkhewouldhaveappliedtoamalecomedian.ChrisRockwastouringatthetimeandhewasliterallycallingGeorgeW.Bush
“retarded”inhisact.Idon’tthinkTomsomethingwouldhaveexpresseddisappointmentthatChriswasnotconductinghimselfsweetly.Ilearnedhowincrediblyfrustratingitistowatchsomeonetalksmack
aboutyouandnotbeabletorespond.
Thiskindofanger,Isuspect,isthemainthingMrs.PalinandIhaveincommon.Whensomeonesayssomethingbadaboutus,wewanttorespond.
However,I,asanexperiencedmemberoftheEastCoastMediaElite,knowthatyoucan’teventry.Youcanragetoyourspouseall
youwant,butthemomentyoupostInternetcommentsunderanassumedname,orcallinspontaneouslytoaradioshowtoassertthatyouarenot“abutterface,”orwritethatlettertoLisadeMoraesoftheWashingtonPostinstructingherto“gosuckabagofdicks,”
youhavecrossedtheborderintoCrazytown,nevertoreturn.
AroundThisTime…
AroundthistimemyoldfriendDamianHolbrook,awriterforTVGuide,hadarrangedtointerviewmeforthenewfallseason.(DamianandIdidSummerShowtimetogether.*InamedthecharacterDamianinMeanGirlsafterhim.)
Hespentthedayonthe30Rocksetandcameovertomy
apartmentfordinnerafterward.
Damianhasagreatsenseofhumorandwelaughedalot.Afterdinner—longafterwhatIconsideredthe
“interviewportion”ofourdaytobeover—DamianaskedmewhatIwoulddoifMcCain-Palinwontheelection.WouldIcontinuetomoonlightatSNL?Isaidina
jokey,actress-yvoice,“Iftheywin,IwillleaveEarth.”Itwasclearlyajokeaboutpeoplewhosaystupidthingslikethat.Nomatterwhatyourpoliticalbeliefs,everyoneknowssomeloudmouth:“IfBushwins,I’mmovingtoCanada.”“IfBushwinsagain,IamseriouslymovingtoCanada.”“IfObamawins,I’mgoingtoshootthat*#%*@.”Etc.
ButDamianput“I’mleavingEarth”inhisarticle,andinprintitlookedsincerelyidiotic.Hiseditorleakeditinadvanceoftheissuetogenerateattentionforthemagazine.Cablenewstookthebaitandranwithit.IlookedlikeagradeAdummy.IwasannoyedatDamian,butmostlyIjustfounditdisconcerting.ThatIcouldgetin“trouble”forahalf-bakedjokeImadeinmy
ownhomewasalevelofscrutinyIdidnotenjoy.
Mybrothercalledme,genuinelyconcerned.IshouldwatchwhatIwassayingbecausethereare
“alotofnutsoutthere.”Ihungupthephoneandburstintotearsinthe30Rockwriters’room.PoorMattHubbardwatchedmymeltdownwithalookof
concernanddisgustusuallyreservedforwatchingyourmomvomit.
Week4:WeekendUpdatePrime-TimeSpecialwithWillFerrell
SNLwasdoinghalf-hourspecialsonThursdaynightsat8:30.Iwasabletobeinone,inwhatcanonlybedescribedas“MyTriptoSketchComedyFantasy
Camp.”IgottostandnexttoWillFerrellasGeorgeW.BushandDarrellHammondasJohnMcCain.Thesetwodudesarethemasters.DarrellisaprecisetechnicianwhocandoanyonefromJesseJacksontoDonaldTrumptoAlGore.Will,ontheotherhand,isanimpressionistinthestyleoftheImpressionists.Histechniqueisloose,borderingonrandom,butwhenyoustep
backhehasrenderedGeorgeW.Bush.
IfDarrellisdaVinci,WillisMonet,andIamme,inawig.
Thissketchhadadifferenttonethantheothersketchesbecauseitwaswrittenbytheworld’snumberonecomicgenius,AdamMcKay(Anchorman,TalladegaNights).ItwasaboutGeorgeW.BushtryingtoendorsetheMcCain-PalinticketandJohnMcCaintryingtoavoidtheendorsement.
It’sworthpointingoutthatthissketchwasthetipping
pointformyRepublicanparents.Theyhadbeenasexcitedandentertainedasanyoneforthefirstfewweeks.Maybethetoneofthissketchwasmoreaggressive,ormaybethecablenewscyclehadwornthemdownintothinkingwewerebeingmean,buttheendresultwasascoldingfrommymom:“It’sgettingtobetoomuchnow.”
Week5:The“Sneaker
Upper”
“SneakerUpper”isatermthatveteranSNLwriterJimDowneycoinedtodescribethatqueermomentwhenafamousperson“sneaksup”behindtheactorwhoplaysthemandpretendstobemadaboutit.IwouldexpandJim’sdefinitiontoincludeanytimesomeonebeingparodiedvolunteerstocomeontheshowandprove
they’re“inonthejoke.”ComedywritershateSneakerUppers.Onapurewritinglevel,it’sjustlame.Butlikeotherlamethings—sorbet,linedancing,NewYear’sEve—peopleseemtoloveit.I’mnotsayingI’maboveaSneakerUpper.DuringmytimeatSNLIwasinvolvedinatleastfiveofthesethings.TheyvariedinsuccessandincludedpeoplerangingfromDebbieMatenopoulosto
MonicaLewinsky.
IfyouwerehavingaSneakerUpperweek,yourcoworkerswouldasksympathetically,“How’sthatgoing?”Whatcouldyoudo?SomeweeksyougottoproduceapurelittlecomedypiecethatwasdeartoyourheartandhadagreathostlikeAlecBaldwinorJuliaLouis-Dreyfusinit.Someweeksyouhadtositandtakenotesfromthe
smallestHansonbrotheraboutwhatjokeshedidn’tcarefor.TheSneakerUpperisjustanoccupationalhazard,andasoccupationalhazardsgo,it’smuchbetterthangettingyourarmcaughtinthethresher.
WhatI’mgettingtois,duringweekfive,SarahPalin’scampaignpeoplecalledLornetosayshe’dliketobeontheshow.Iwasagainstit.
One,itwasaclassicSneakerUpper,andwehadbeensosuccessfulonawritingleveluptothatpoint.
Two,thingsweregettingtense.McCain-Palinsupporterswereyellingracistinvectiveatrallies,andthecampaignwasn’texactlyshuttingthatbehaviordown.Ididn’twanttojokearoundandhugheroncameraandbeperceivedasendorsingtheir
campaign.
Three,IhadseenfootageofGovernorPalinandhersweetlittlestdaughter,Piper,gettingbooedataFlyersgame.(Classy,hometown,realclassy.)IwassurethattheliberalNYCstudioaudienceforSNL
wouldbootheshitoutofher.Ididn’twantthattohappenandIdefinitelydidn’twantto
standnexttoherwhilethathappenedandhaveitseemlikewehadlaidatrapforher.Ididn’twanttobecomplicitinanuglylive-TVmomentduringwhatwasbecominganincreasinglyuglycampaign.
Lornedidn’tthinkitwouldbeaproblem.However,Lornewasalsoridingthreeweeksof7+
ratings,andtherealMrs.
Palinwouldsurelyexceedthat.Shewasratingsgold—purenuggetsof“ratingsgold”justwaitingtobeextractedfromtheteethofacorpse.(InthismetaphorI’mnotsureifthecorpserepresentsmycareer,theMcCaincampaign,orbroadcasttelevision.)ItoldLornethatiftherealgovernordidtheshow,Iwouldsitthisoneout.LornesuggestedInotdecidesoquickly.Heand
IbothknewthatthingshadgottensoweirdinthecablenewscyclethatifIdidn’tshowup,itwouldbejustasmuchofafakenewsstory.TheCNNcrawlwouldhaveread,“MEAN
GIRL:FeyrefusestoappearwithPalin.Palinsupporterscallthemove‘un-American’and‘vaguelyJewish.’Tonightat9ESTRickSanchezuncoverstheCorn
SyrupMyth…”
Itreallywasacatch-22forme,unlessLornewouldjustdeclinetohaveheron.Andthatwasn’tgoingtohappen.Seeabovere:ratingsgold.
IwashurtthatLornewouldputmeinthisposition.Atthesametime,itisneverlostonmethathealso“putmeintheposition”ofbeingonTVinthefirstplace,whichnoone
elseintheworldwouldhavedone.Trustme,Iusedtoauditionforthings.
IcalledLorneandsaidIwoulddotheshowbutthatitwasveryimportanttomethatweprotectGovernorPalinfrombeingbooed.Isuggestedthathestartwithherbackstageinthe8Hhallway.Theliveaudiencewouldonlyseeheronthemonitorsand,notknowingif
whattheywereseeingwasliveorpretaped,theywouldbelesslikelytoboo.
Myonlyotherrequestwasthis:Ineverwantedtoappearina“twoshot”withMrs.Palin.Imean,shereallyistallerandbetterlookingthanIam,andwewouldliterallybewearingthesameoutfit.
I’dalreadybeenmadetostandnexttoJenniferAniston
andSalmaHayekoncamerainmylife;agalcan
onlytakesomuch.Andhonestly,Iknewthatifthat
pictureexisted,itwouldbewhattheyshowontheEmmyssomedaywhenIdie,andI’dreallyrathertheyshowthispicture.
LornecalledbackthenextdaytosayhehadanideaandSethwasworkingonadraft.We’dstartwithmeinafakepressconference,thencuttoLorneandGovernorPalinbackstage.ItwasLorne’sideatohaveAlecBaldwin
there,too.
AsabelovedSNLhostandaknownliberalcrusader,AlecstandingnexttoSarahwouldsendoutan“everybodybecool”messagetotheaudience.
WerehearsedonSaturdayafternoonasusual,butthistimetherewasmassivesecurityinthebuildingforthevicepresidentialnominee.
ImetMrs.Palinonthestudiofloorwhenwecameouttorehearse.Shewasinfullhairandmakeupbecauseshe’dcomestraightfromacampaignstop.Ihadmyhairinaponytailandlookedmytrademarkexhausted.WeshookhandsandIblurtedout,“Don’tworry,they’llputmakeuponme.”Aswetookourplacestorehearse,mydaughterpointedanimatedlyatGovernorPalinonthe
monitor.“She’sconfused,”Mrs.Palinlaughed.
Wedidn’thangoutmuch,butwechattedalittleaboutchildren.SheofferedherdaughterBristoltobabysitAliceduringtheshowifneedbe.Ithankedher,sayingAlicewastoolittletostayfortheshow.Shealwayswenthomewithherdadafterthedinnerbreak.Ican’timagineBristolwouldhavebeentoo
psychedtodothatanyway;itwashereighteenthbirthday,shewasinNewYorkCity,andIhadmadeaviciousjokeaboutheraweekearlier.ButIappreciatedthemom-nessofMrs.Palin’soffer.Shemightaswellhavesaid,“Youguysneedtotakethesesetsdowntonight?CuzIcangetTodddownherewithaMakita.”
Mrs.Palin’swholecampwas
helpful.Herhairstylistmadeadjustmentstomywigtomakeitevenmorelikethegovernor’shair.Hermakeupartistidentifiedthelipcolorthatwe’dbeentryingtofigureoutforfourweeks:Itwasjustlipliner,underChapstick.
Andthenitwas11:30.
SethwroteanadmirableSneakerUpper.Somesolid
jokesatthetop,andAlecwasfunnywithherbackstage.Therewastherequisiteamountofsweatyfeignedsurprise.
GovernorPalinandIcrossedpathsforjustaninstant,andwhenshetookcenterstageshewasgreetedwithalongroundofapplause.I’dliketothinkthatmysuggestionofstartingherbackstagepaidoff,butmorelikelyIhad
underestimatedwhatagiantmediastarSarahPalinwas;eventheNewYorkiestaudiencewasgiddytoseeherinperson.
AftertheshowIfeltcompelledtofindMrs.Palininherdressingroomandsaygood-bye.“Goodjob.Youshouldcomebackandhostsometime,”Isaid.Shecertainlycouldhandleit.Andthen,“Now,you’regonnatell
everyoneyouhadagoodtimeinNewYorkCity,right?Andthateveryonewasreallynicetoyou?”Mrs.Palinsmiledandnodded.“Yep.Nobodywasscaryoranything.”Icouldn’tbelievethecondescensionthatwascomingoutofmymouth.IwastalkingtothiswomanlikeIwasremindingachildtosay“please.”IguessIwasjusthopingthatwhereverthecampaigntookherthenext
day,shewouldincludeNewYorkCityasoneofthe“pro-America”partsofhercountry.
Inmyopinion,themostmeaningfulmomentforwomeninthe2008campaignwasnotGovernorPalin’sconventionspeechorHillaryClintonconcedingher1,896delegates.Themomentmostemblematicofhowthingshavechangedforwomenin
Americawasnine-months-pregnantAmyPoehlerrappingasSarahPalinandtearingtheroofofftheplace.
WatchingAmyrapmademesohappythatshehadfoundawaytomakerealcomedyoutofaSneakerUpper.Thevirtuosityandjoyfulnessofherperformancemademefeellikeitwastimeformetohandthisjobbacktotheprofessionals.Ifeltlikethat
characterinFlowersforAlgernon.NotCharlie,theladyteacherfromthecollegewhorealizes,“I’vegottostopdry-humpingthismentallychallengedguy!”
Theratingwasa10.7/14millionpeople.
OneMoreWeirdTime,andThat’sIt?
Theweekbeforetheelection,
JohnMcCainwantedtocomeontheshow.IhadmetSenatorMcCainwhenhehostedSNLin2002,andwealllikedhimverymuch.(Hewasnotoneoftheunnamedd-bags.)IhadevenspentadaywithhiminDC.HegavemyhusbandandmeatouroftheSenatebeforeweposedtogetherforthis“getoutthevote”coverofLifemagazine.
(Themagazinewentunderimmediatelyafterthis,bytheway.)Diditseeminsanethatapresidentialcandidatewouldwanttoappearinasketchparodyinghisrunningmatejustdaysbeforetheelection?Sure,butwhatdidn’tseeminsanethen?AKenyanCommunistMuslimwasabouttobeelectedpresident.SethwroteasketchaboutMcCain-PalinbuyingtimeonQVCasalast-ditch
efforttoreachvoters.
Forthelasttime*Janethemakeupartistoverdrewmylipstomakemymouthlookwider.Louisgluedmyearsdown(myearsstickoutandSarah’sdon’t)andBettypoppedonmylongbrownwig.IwenttoSenatorMcCain’sdressingroomtoreadthroughthecuecardswithhim,andhestartedlaughinguncomfortablywhen
hesawme.“It’sjustweird,”hesaid.
Andthatwasit.WehadgonethroughtheentirelifecycleofanSNLcharacter—fromfirst-timejitterstoSneakerUpperto“Thisagain?”—insixweeks.
OneofthebestpartsofallthisisthatmydaughtermayactuallyhavechildhoodmemoriesofgoingtoSNL.I
leftsosoonaftershewasborn,Ididn’tthinkshewouldknowthatplaceorthosepeople,butnowshewill,whichmeansalottomebecausethatwasmyhomeforalongtime.
OneoftheworstpartsofallofthiswasthatIlearnedwhatitfeltliketobealightningrod.Igotsomehatemail,andtherearedefinitelypeopleouttherewhowilldislikemefor
therestofmylifebecauseof“whatIdid”toSarahPalin.Onanintellectuallevel,thisdoesn’tbothermeatall.Onahumanlevel,Iwouldprefertobeliked.TherewasanassumptionthatIwaspersonallyattackingSarahPalinbyimpersonatingheronTV.Nooneeversaiditwas“mean”whenChevyChaseplayedGeraldFordfallingdownallthetime.NooneeveraccusedDanaCarveyor
DarrellHammondorDanAykroydof“goingtoofar”intheirpoliticalimpressions.YouseewhatI’mgettingathere.IamnotmeanandMrs.Palinisnotfragile.Toimplyotherwiseisadisservicetousboth.
Afewmonthsafterourfriendlychataboutkids(andmycondescendingremarksaboutNewYork),Mrs.Palintoldconservativefilmmaker
JohnZieglerthatKatieCouricandIhadexploitedandprofitedbyherfamily.ButIknowbetterthantorespondtoattacksinthemedia.AlthoughifIweretorespond,Iwouldprobablyjustsay,“Nicerealityshow.”OrmaybeI’dpointoutthatwhenthosesketcheswerewatched58milliontimesontheInternetaroundtheworld,Iwaspaidnothingbecauseactorsdon’tgetanymoney
forInternetreuse.(Getreadyforanactors’strikein2012.)ButI’dprobablyjustknowbetterthantorespond.
SomemayarguethatexploitingGovernorPalinandherfamilyhelpedbringattentiontomylow-ratedTVshow.Iamproudtosayyouarewrong.MyTVshowstillenjoysverylowratings.Infact,IthinkthePalinstuffmayhavehurttheTVshow.
Let’sfaceit,betweenAlecBaldwinandmethereisacertainfiftypercentofthepopulationwhothinkwearepinkoCommiemonsters.
There’saDrunkMidgetinMyHouse
Ah,babies!They’remorethanjustadorablelittlecreaturesonwhomyoucanblameyourfarts.
Likemostpeoplewhohavehadonebaby,Iamanexpertoneverythingandwilltellyou,unsolicited,howtoraiseyourkid!
Breast-feedingv.Formula
Inventedinthemid-1800sasalast-ditchoptionfororphansandunderweightbabies,packagedinfantformulahassincebeenperfectedtobeacompleteandreliablesource
ofstressandshameformothers.Anyonewhoreadsapregnancybookknowsthatbreastmilkprovidesnutrition,immunities,andinvaluablebondingtime.Thebreastisbest.Unlessyouneedtogetbackonyourpsychmedsorsomething,inwhichcasegiveyourbabyCrystalLightontheGoorwhateverittakesforyoutonotgocrazy.
Butifyou’rehealthy,youreallyshouldnurse.Youoweittoyourbabytobreast-feed.
WhenIwaspregnant(remember,Iwaspregnantonce,andI’monTV:Thosetwothingscombinedmakemeanexpert)Iwasconfusedastowhyalltheliteratureaboutbreast-feedingwassurroundedbyadsforformula.
Thefreemagazinesinmydoctor’sofficeallsaidthesamethingintheirarticles:“Breast-feedingisbestforyourbaby.”Butoverwhelmingthosearticleswerepagesofheartwarmingfull-coloradssayingthingslike:
“Yourbabydeservesthebest.INFAMILK,nowwithmoreCrypthecodinium!”
“DOCTORSSAYbreastfeedorifyou’reanadoptivemotherTRYSIMIMIL.”
“10outof100,000doctorssayEnfanteprobablydoesn’tcauseblindness.”
“Nootherformulagivesyourbabyabetterstartinlifeexceptthatstuffthatcomesoutofyouforfree.”
ShouldIbreast-feedornot?I
askedmymotherforadvice.“Don’teventryit,”shesaid.Thisisagenerationaldifference.Thisisthesamewomanwhotoldmetorequest“twilightsleep”duringdelivery.(Twilightsleepisthememory-erasingpainmedicationthatdoctorsgavewomeninthe1950swhenevertheyhadtotakeababyoutorputabodysnatcherin.)Icouldneverhavechosentwilightsleep
becauseIwantedtobepresentformybirthexperienceandalsoitisnolongeroffered.MymomisaDepressionbaby.AsamemberofGenerationX,Iwasmoreinformed,moreempowered,andIknewthatwhenitcametobreast-feedingIhadanobligationtomybabytopretendtotry.
Ichosetobreast-feed,anditwasanamazingtimeinmy
life.Itreallychangedmeasawoman,andit’sthemostgratifyingthingI’veeverdone.*
Therearealotofdifferentopinionsastohowlongoneshouldbreast-feed.TheWorldHealthOrganizationsayssixmonths.TheAmericanAssociationofPediatricssaysoneyearisideal.Motheringmagazinesuggestsyounursethechild
untiljustbeforehisrehearsaldinner.Isayyoumustfindwhatworksforyou.Formylittleangelandmethemagicnumberwasaboutseventy-twohours.
Webeganourbreast-feedingjourneyinthehospitalunderthetutelageofanencouragingIrishnightnursenamedMary.Wetriedthefootballhold,thecross-cradlehold,andoneIliketocallthe
BretMichaels,whereyoukindoflieoverthebabyandstickyourbreastinitsmouthtowakeitup.Wedidn’tsucceed,sothatfirstnighttheothernursesgavemylittleonesomeformulawithoutasking.Itriedtobeappalled,butIwasprettytired.Oncewegothome,wetriedagain.Iabandonedallvanity,asonemust,andparkeditshirtlessonthecouch.Hereweexperiencedanother
generationaldifference.GenX
wantedtosucceedatthissoshecouldtellpeopleshedidit,andlittleGenZwantedmetohandoverthatgoddamnformula,andshewaswillingtoscreamuntilshegotit.
OneofmyfivehundrednicknamesformydaughterisMidge,whichisshortforMidget,becauseshewasa
verysmallbaby.Shewasbornaweekearlyandalittleunderweightatfivepoundssevenounces.MyobstetriciansuggestedthenextdayatherbedsidevisitthatperhapsIhadn’trestedenoughduringmypregnancyandthatwaswhyshewassosmall.“Whatacunt,”Ithoughttomyselfinwhatwaseitheraflashofpostpartumhormonesoranaccurateassessmentofmydoctor’s
personality.
SowestartedsupplementingMidgeregularlywithformula.ShewassmallandIdidn’twanthertogetanysmallerwhileImasteredtheancientartofbreast-feedingtoprovehowincredibleandimpressiveIam.Ofcourse,Istillprovidedherbreastmilk.Youmust,must,mustprovidethemwithbreastmilk.Youoweittoyourbaby
togetthemthatbreastmilk.Here’showitworks.
Ifyouchoosetonotloveyourbabyenoughtobreast-feed,youcanpumpyourmilkusingabreastpump.(Thismaybeeasierforthemodernmombecauseitisanexpensiveapplianceandwe’remorecomfortablewiththosethanwithbabies.)Setupapumpingritualforyourselfthatisrelaxingand
consistent.IchosetopumpeverytwohourswhilewatchingepisodesoftheHBOseriesEntourageOnDemand.Overthewhirofthemilkingmachine,IcouldalmosthearmybabybeinglovinglycaredforintheotherroomwhileTurtleyelledacrossanSUV,“YoE,youeverfuckagirlwhileshehasherperiod?”Iwasabletodothisforalmostsevenweeksbeforerunningoutof
Entourageepisodesandsinkingintoadeepdepression.
Shortlythereafter,wemadetheswitchtoanall-formuladiet.Ifyou’veeveropenedacanofinfantformulamix,thenyouknowitsmellslikesomeonesoakedoldvitaminsinabucketofwetleaves,thendriedtheminahotcar.Also,formulaislikefortydollarsacan.Theykeepit
lockedupbehindthecounterwiththebatteriesandmethingredients.That’showbadpeoplewantthisstuff!
However,thebabywasthriving.Iwasnolongerfeelingtrapped,spendingthirtyoutofeveryninetyminutesattachedtoaWilliams-SonomaTitJuicer.ButIstillhadanoverwhelmingfeelingofdisappointment.Ihadfailed
atsomethingthatwassupposedtobenatural.
Iwasdefensiveandgrouchywheneverthetopiccameup.Atapartywithafriendwhowassuccessfullynursingherlittleboy,IwatchedherhusbandproduceabottleofpumpedbreastmilkthatwasthesizeofaBigGulp.ItwasmoremilkthanIhadproducedinmywholesevenweeks—IblameEntourage.
Asmyfriend’shusbandfedthebaby,hesaidoffhandedly,“Thisstuffisliquidgold.Youknowitactuallymakesthemsmarter?”“Let’ssetadate!”Iscreamed.“IQtest.Fiveyearsfromtoday.Myformulababywillcrushyourbaby!”Thankfully,mymouthwassofullofcaketheycouldnotunderstandme.
OnceIletgoofmyguilt,whichtookawhile,theonly
remainingobstaclewastheTeatNazis.
Thesearethewomenwhonotonlybragendlesslyabouthowmuchtheirfiveyearoldstilllovesbreastmilk,buttheyalsogrillyouaboutyourchoices.YoucanrecognizetheTNsbytheirhand-carveddaggers:
“Areyoubreast-feeding?Isn’titamazing?Ireally
thinkit’showIlosttheweightsoeasily.Didyouhaveavaginalbirth?IwentnaturalandIdidn’teventear.Areyoubackatworkalready?Doyoufeelweirdaboutgoingbacktowork?IjustlovemybabysomuchIcan’timaginegoingbacktoworkyet.
You’renotnursing?She’sonlyfifteenmonths;youshouldtryagain!”
Now,letmebeclear;millionsofwomenaroundtheworldnursetheirchildrenbeautifullyforyearswithoutgivinganybodyelseahardtimeaboutit.TeatNazisareasolelywesternupper-middle-classphenomenonoccurringwhenhighlyambitiouswomenexperiencedeprivationfromoutsidemodesofachievement.TheirhighestinfestationpocketsareinBrooklynand
Hollywood.
IfyouareconfrontedbyaTN,youhavetwooptions.One,whentheyaskifyou’rebreast-feeding,youcansmileandsay,“Yes.It’samazing.”(Youoweittoyourbabytolie.)Oryoucangoforthekill.TheonlypeoplewhocanshametheTeatNazisaretheAdoptiveMommies.Ifyouhaveafriendwhohasanadoptedchild,especiallyone
fromanothercountry,bringhimorheraround,becausetheymaketheTeatNazis’brainsshort-circuit:“HowcanI…feelsuperior…you…biggersacrifice…can’tjudge…”andtheirbigol’dinnerplatenipplespopoffastheycrumpletothegroundanddisappear.
Lessonlearned?Whenpeoplesay,“Youreally,reallymust”dosomething,itmeansyou
don’treallyhaveto.Nooneeversays,“Youreally,reallymustdeliverthebabyduringlabor.”Whenit’strue,itdoesn’tneedtobesaid.
“MeTime”
Anyexpertwilltellyou,thebestthingamomcandotobeabettermomistocarveoutalittletimeforherself.Herearesomegreat“metime”activitiesyoucando.
Gotothebathroomalot.
Offertoemptythedishwasher.
Takeninety-minuteshowers.(Ifyouonlyshowereverythreeorfourdays,itwillbeeasiertogetawaywiththis.)
Sayyou’regoingtolookforthediapercrème,thengointoyourchild’sroomandjuststandthereuntilyourspouse
comesinandcurtlysays,“Whatareyoudoing?”
Standoverthesinkandeattherestofyourchild’sdinnerwhileheorshepullsatyourpantlegaskingforitback.
Trytoestablishthatyou’retheonlyoneinyourfamilyallowedtogotothepostoffice.
“Sleepwhenyourbaby
sleeps.”Everyoneknowsthisclassictip,butIsaywhystopthere?Screamwhenyourbabyscreams.TakeBenadrylwhenyourbabytakesBenadryl.Andwalkaroundpantlesswhenyourbabywalksaroundpantless.
Read!Whenyourbabyisfinallydownforthenight,pickupajuicybooklikeEat,Pray,LoveorPrideandPrejudiceormypersonal
favorite,UnderstandingSleepDisorders:NarcolepsyandApnea;AClinicalStudy.Takingsometimetoreadeachnightreallytaughtmehowtofeignnarcolepsywhenmyhusbandaskedmewhatmy“plan”wasfortakingdowntheChristmastree.
Justimplementingfourorfiveoftheselittletechniqueswillproverestorativeandgiveyoutheenergyyouneedto
notdrinkuntilnighttime.
ACelebrity’sGuidetoCelebratingtheBirthofJesus
GoldieandKurtliketosoakinthecrystalbluewatersofSt.Barts.MelanieandAntoniopreferthefestivechillofAspen.TinaandJeffareabsolutelymadforRoute80WbetweenPhiladelphiaandYoungstown!Wenever
missit.
Lyingonabeachfeelsalittle“firstthought”tome.IprefertheretrochicofspendingChristmasjustlikeJosephandMarydid—travelingarduouslybacktotheplaceofyourbirthtobecounted,withnoguaranteeofabedwhenyougetthere.YoumayendupsleepingonanoldwickercouchwithadoglickingyourfacewhileanAbRocket
infomercialplaysinthebackground.It’samodern-daymanger.
Ourannualpilgrimagefromonesetofin-lawstotheotherhappenseveryDecember26,or,astheycallitinCanada:BoringDay.
Wealwaysplantoleavearoundseveninthemorningand,likeclockwork,we’reoutthedoorbyten.After
gassingup,deicing,andturningaroundforanunanticipatedbowelmovement,weglideontoglorious80Wbytenthirty.Sure,therearethosetrendytypeswhoprefer76/70becauseit’s“morescenic”and“theyhaveaMcDonald’s,”butIthink80Whasacertaincecimedéprime.
Myhusbanddrivesthewhole
sevenhoursbecauseIdon’thaveadriver’slicense.It’sjustoneofthemanywaysinwhichIamdevelopmentallystunted.Idon’tdrive.Ican’tcookmeatcorrectly.AndIhavenoaffinityforanimals.Idon’thateanimalsandIwouldneverhurtananimal;Ijustdon’tactivelycareaboutthem.Whenacoworkershowsmecutepicturesofherdog,Istruggletorespondcorrectly,likeanautistic
personwhohasbeentaughttorecognizehumanemotionsfromflashcards.Inshort,Iamtheworst.
Thereareplentyofpositivestobeingmarriedtome.Ijustcan’tthinkofanyofthemrightnow,andI’msuremyhusbandcan’tthinkofanyofthemeitherwhilehe’sdrivingwidewaysacrossPennsylvania.
Still:There’ssomethinghypnoticandrelaxingaboutcruisingthroughtheAlleghenies,franticallysearchingforaradiosignal.Iftrafficismovingwell,youwon’teverfindastationthatlastsforanentiresong.Soyounestleinbetweenyourbaking-hotdashboardandthefreezing-colddoorandenjoytheradio’sstaticwithoccasionalfragmentsofashoutedreligiousbroadcast.
KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—Friends,areyoulivinginsuchawaythatthereisacrowninheavenwaitingforyou?—KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—amanmustdieofself—KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Whenyoufeelaboutto“dieofself,”pulloverandenjoyoneofthelocaleateries.
IrecommendtheRoyRogers
atExit4BortheRoyRogersatExit78.Ifyou’readie-hard
“foodie,”hopofftheroadinDuBoisandenjoyaSubwaysandwichmadeataplacethatiseightypercentgasstation.
“Youngstown!”myhusbandalwaysyellsaswepassthesign.Heyellsitinawaythatyoucanactuallyhearthelettersgettingbiggeratthe
endlikeanold-timeypostcard.Itneverfailstostartlemeandmakemelaugh.Halfthetimeitwakesmeup.Yes,Ifallasleepwhilehe’sdriving.DidImentionthatI’mtheworst?
Inthelasthour,highwayturnstosnowycountryroadsandtheGPSsystemshutsdownbecauseyou’reinapartoftheworldthatToyotadoesn’trecognize(andthe
feelingismutual).
Wealwayspullupcarefully,makingsurenottorunoveranyoutdoorcats.(Oneofthebest-keptsecretsof“countrylife”isthatpeopleaccidentallycrushtheirownpetsalot.)Thehouseiscozywarmfromthewood-burningheater.TherearehugsandkissesandpiesandsoupandhamandbiscuitsandacontinuousflowofMaxwell
Housecoffeewithnondairycreamer.WeCityFolkcanpretendthatweprefertherotgutfromStarcorpswithskimmilkandSplenda,butwhoarewekidding?MaxwellHousewithFrenchvanillacornsyrupcannotbebeat.
Ifthere’sonethingmyhusband’shometownhasthatSt.Bartsdoesnot,it’sthewater.“Legallypotable”
doesn’tquitecaptureit.Straightfromthetapitsmellslike…HowcanIdescribeit?—ifyouboiledtenthousandeggsinaprostitute’sbathwater.Itturnsyourjewelrygreen,butitleavesyourhairsoftandmanageable.So,whileIcouldn’tfinditinSt.Barts,Icouldprobablysellitthere.
Myin-lawsalwayshaveahugedog—adogsobigthat
evenIcanseeit.ForyearsitwasRobbie.
WhenRobbiepassedawayfromsurprisinglynon-vehicle-relatedcauses,theygotBear.AnotherwaymybodyrejectsdogloveisthatIamallergictothem.ThosefirstfewChristmases,IhadtodosemyselfwithBenadryltosurvive.Iwouldendupsleepinghalfthedayandthenshufflingaimlesslyaround
thehouselikelater-yearsJudyGarlandinaChristmasspecial.Mostofmyin-lawsdidn’texperiencemyactualpersonalityuntilClaritinwasinvented.Bythenitwastoolatetogetridofme.
Mythreesisters-in-lawhavealwaysbeenwelcomingandaffectionate,andboy,cantheycleanakitchen.AfterabigfamilymealtheyrinseandscrapeanddryandSaran-
wraplikenobody’sbusiness.Ipitchinhalf-assedlylikethespoiledsuburbanyoungerchildthatIam.“Where…shouldIput…this…
chickenbone?Throwitout,or…?”Seeabove,re:“worst.”
Ican’tpromiseyouwillfindafamilyaslovelyasmyin-lawstostaywithonyourRoute80
Christmas.Honestly,Iknowyouwon’t,becausewehadMamawPearline.Pearlinewaseighty-sevenwhenImetherandshelivedtobeninety-six.ShespentalmostallhertimeupstairsinthedenwatchingTVandchain-smoking.Shehadgraduallyretiredfromworkinghardallherlife,raisingkids,cleaning,andcookinginacoalcampinWestVirginia.Shehadearnedtherightto
refertotheNationalEnquireras
“thenewspaper.”
Bythetimemydaughterwasborn,Pearline’sshort-termmemorywasgone.She’dcomedownstairsandsmileatthebaby.“Whoselittlebabyisthis?”“IT’SJEFF’S!”we’dyell.“Lookatthosedarkeyebrows.”She’dsmileandpatthebaby’shead.“Inever
sawababywithsuchdarkeyebrows!”
Then,twohourslater,she’dcomedownforacupofcoffee.“Whoselittlebabyisthis?Lookatthosedarkeyebrows!”Thiswentonforthreedays.
Forreference,thisistheswarthylittlebabyshewastalkingabout.
Wedidsevenoreight80W
ChristmasesinarowbeforeIhadtobeafoolandmesswithperfection.Whycouldn’tIbelikeGoldieandKurtandstickwithwhatworks?Icouldn’tbecauseasglamorousasthedrivealwayswas,itgotevenmoremagicalandglamorouswhenthebabybecameatoddler.Oneyear,Ibelieve,shescreamedallthewayfromHazletontotheMoshannonStateForest.
Andwhocouldblameher?Shedidn’tunderstandwhywehadstrappedherintothisfrozencontraptiononlytoshovecoldRoyRogersfriesinhermouth.
Inanattempttomakethingseasierformyself,whichisthebasisforallofhistory’sworstdecisions(see:“GeorgeW.Bush’sRepealoftheEstateTax,”“ScottPeterson’sPlan,”and“DredScottv.
Sandford”),IinvitedthewholefamilyouttoNewYorkforaChristmasadventure.IlearnedquicklythattryingtoforceCountryFolktolovetheBigCityisliketellingyourgaycousin,“Youjusthaven’tmettherightgirlyet.”Theyjustdon’tlikebigcities.It’sokay.It’snatural.Theywerebornthatway.
WhenyouseeyourBigCity
throughanon-admirer’seyesyounoticethingsyounormallywouldnot.
“Hmm.IguesstherearealotofdogturdsonEighty-thirdStreet.”
“No,it’sgreat.Wejustputourgarbageoutthebackdoorandwhenitstartstooverflowthesuperpicksitup.”
“Who,thatguy?Yeah…he’s
playingwithhimself.Okay,let’sgointheplaygroundtheotherway.”
TheChristmasinNewYorkAdventuredidn’tgosowell.Myfather-in-lawtrippedonacrackinthepavementandspenttherestoftheweekpolitelypretendinghehadnotdislocatedhisshoulder.IdraggedallthekidsontothesubwayandthroughthecrowdtoseetheRockefeller
CenterChristmastree,whichisunlikeanytreeintheworld,exceptforhundredsoftreesneartheirhomesinOhio.
IfIhadonebonetopickwiththeCountryFolks,it’sthattheyarenotgastronomicallyadventurous.Family-styleItaliansentthemallrunningfortheAlka-Seltzer.Greekyogurtleftmysister-in-lawstymied,likeIhadoffered
herabowlofcaulk.ButwhoamItojudge?Ihaveneverbeenabletogetmyheadaroundhamsaladorpickledeggs.AndIwouldlikeitexplainedtomeinwritingwhat’ssogreataboutapplebutter.
Afterfourdays,Icouldseethecitywearingthemdown.Itwastoomuchwalkingforthem,oddly.ItturnsoutCityFolkwalkwaymorethan
CountryFolk.
Myyoungnephewwenttothedeliwithme.“Theresurearealotofforeignershere.”No,Iexplained,thosepeoplelivehere.Inthe“GreatAmericanMeltingPot,”ruralOhiomaybealumpofwhiteflourthathasn’tbeenstirredproperly.NotthatNewYorkisanybetter.NewYorkisthatchunkofgarlicthatyoubiteintothinkingit’spotato
andyoucan’tgetthetasteoutofyourmouthallday.Itallblendsonceyoumixit,butsometimesyoureallyhavetogrinditagainsttheside.
Clearlyweneededtoshakethatyearoffandtrysomethingnew.Lastyear,determinedto
“save”thefull80Wdriveuntilourdaughtercanreallyappreciateitintwentyyears
orso,Imadeanewpitch:Let’smeetinthemiddle.WechoseWilliamsport,Pennsylvania,homeoftheLittleLeagueWorldSeriesandalmostexactlyhalfwaybetweenusonthemap.
We’dspendthreedaysandtwonightsattheHolidayInnandthenheadourseparateways.Icannotemphasizetoyouhowwellthiswent…becauseIdon’tknowhowto
do“doubleunderline”onmycomputer.
Thekidsswaminthehotelpool.WedinedatRedLobster.Thereisnooneof-woman-bornwhodoesnotlikeRedLobstercheddarbiscuits.AnyonewhoclaimsotherwiseisaliarandaSocialist.Wefedfifteenpeoplefortwohundreddollars.Success!
Thenextday,whileBeyoncéandJay-ZwereprobablyhavingafrustratingtimeontheiryachttryingtofigureouttheFrenchwordforplunger,wewalkedaroundtheLycomingMall.Therewasacarouselforthekids.Later,weexchangedgiftsinthelobbybyaten-footChristmastreethatnoneofushadtoputuportakedown.Victory!
Thatnight,whileMariahand
NickshoppedfordogjewelryinAspen,weconvenedforanamazingmealatalocalinncalledtheHerdicHouse.ThisstatelyVictorianinnofferedamenuwherecityjerksandcountrycarnivorescouldfindcommonground.Porkchops,duck,pearcrisp.ThesettingwascozyandtwinklyandChristmassyinawaythatworkedforeverybody.
Ofcoursethefinalingredient
foraperfectChristmasvacationisagoodBuffer.ABufferisaneutralpartywhokeepstheconversationlight.EveryoneneedsaBuffer.Youdon’tthinkMaryandJosephwerepsychedtoseetheLittleDrummerBoy?
ThatnightattheHerdicHousemybestfriendfromhighschool,Marlene,andherhusbandjoinedusfortheevening.Shewasvisiting
familyinWilliamsport,too,andsheistheperfectBuffer.MygirlMarlenecantalktoanyone.ShecouldtalktoaFrankensteinaboutneckbolts.Shecouldtalktoyourgreat-auntJoyceaboutthetumorsofapersonshehasnevermet.Shecouldexchangee-mailaddresseswithawreath.NickandMariahwishtheyhadaBufferthisgood.Theyprobablywantedtokilleach
otherafterthreedaysofwearingmatchingskioutfitsandneverskiing.WILLIAMSPORTFORTHEWIN!
ThisChristmasI’llberidingmymetaphoricaldonkeyallthewayacross80Wagain.ButI’minsistingthatwe’rebackinNewYorkCityforNewYear’sEve,wherewedomoreofanAhab-and-Jezebelthing.
JuggleThis
MydaughterrecentlycheckedoutabookfromthepreschoollibrarycalledMyWorkingMom.Ithadacartoonwitchonthecover.“Didyoupickthisbookoutallbyyourself?”Iaskedher,tryingtobenonchalant.Yes.Wereadthebookandthewitchmotherwasverybusyandsometimesreprimandedherdaughterformessing
thingsupnearhercauldron.Shehadtoflyawaytoalotofmeetings,andthewitch’schildsaidsomethinglike,“It’shardhavingaworkingmom,especiallywhensheenjoysherwork.”Intheheartwarmingconclusion,thewitchmothermakesittothechild’sschoolplayatthelastsecond,andthewitch’schildsaysshedoesn’tlikehavingaworkingmombutshecan’tpicturehermomanyother
way.Ididn’tloveit.I’msuretheTWOMENwhowrotethisbookhadtheabsolutebestintentions,butthisleadsmetomypoint.Thetopicofworkingmomsisatap-dancerecitalinaminefield.
ItislessdangeroustodrawacartoonofAllahFrench-kissingUncleSam—whichletmemakeitveryclearIHAVENOTDONE—thanitistospeakhonestlyaboutthis
topic.
IwillstartbysayingthatIhaveonceortwicebeenoffereda“motheroftheyear”awardbyworking-momgroupsoramommymagazine,andIalwaysdecline.HowcouldtheypossiblyknowifI’magoodmother?Howcananyofusknowuntilthekidisaboutthirty-threeandallthepersonalitydusthasreally
settled?Butworkingmomswanttovalidatethatit’sokaytowork,especiallyiftheyworkatmagazineswheretheycanthenpackagethatvalidationandsellittostay-at-homemomswhoarecravingnewsfromtheoutsideworld.
Whatistherudestquestionyoucanaskawoman?“Howoldareyou?”“Whatdoyouweigh?”
“WhenyouandyourtwinsisterarealonewithMr.Hefner,doyouhavetopretendtobelesbians?”No,theworstquestionis“Howdoyoujuggleitall?”
“Howdoyoujuggleitall?”peopleconstantlyaskme,withanaccusatorylookintheireyes.
“You’refuckingitallup,aren’tyou?”theireyessay.
MystandardansweristhatIhavethesamestrugglesasanyworkingparentbutwiththegoodfortunetobeworkingatmydreamjob.
Thelongversionoftheanswerismorecomplicated.
Whenmydaughterwasabouttwo,Iwasconvincedthatourbabysitterwascuttingherfingernailstooshort.Theylookedredsometimes,and
shewasgoingbelowthewhitepart;itwasallwrong,inmyopinion.Iknowyou’rethinkingthattheobviousthingtodowouldbetopointthisouttothebabysitter.Hearmeout.
Icantelltwentycomedywriterswhattodo;Icanarguewithacabdriverabout10thAvenueversustheWestSideHighway;IwillhappilytellajokeaboutOsamabin
LadenortheKuKluxKlanonlivetelevision;butIcouldnottalktothebabysitteraboutthefingernailclipping.I’llbetyouMargaretThatcherwouldsaythesamethingifshewerealivetoday.*
Here’sthetruth:Icouldn’ttellthewomanwhosolovinglyanddevotedlywatchesmykideverydaythatIdidn’tlikehowshedid
thisonething.Ididn’twanttohurtherfeelings.
Andhere’sthenextlayeroftruth:Assomeonewhogrewupmiddle-classwithnonanniesorhousekeepersofanykind,Ididn’tknowhowtohandleit.Iwasnotjustafirst-timemother,Iwasafirst-timecross-culturalnanny-communicatorandIwasbroken.Maybethat’swhatIshouldtelltheroving
reporterfromShowbizHollywoodthenexttimesheasksme,“Isitweirdforyoubeingthebossofallthesepeople?”“Who?Theseactorsandteamstersandcameraguys?Thesedummiesdon’tscareme.
Now,canyoucallmyhouseandtellthebabysitterI’mgonnabefortyminuteslate?Pweeeeze?”
Buthere’sthedeeptruth:Ididn’twanttospendMYPRECIOUSTIMEATHOMEhavinganawkwardconversationwiththebabysitter.IJUSTWANTTOBEWITHMYKID.That’swhatitcomesdownto,really.Thebestdaysaretheoneswhereyoupassthebabysitter*intheelevator,allsmiles,andyourapartmentcontainsnoonebutyourfamilywhenyouwalkinthe
door.Ithinkmybabysitterwouldagree.ButI’mscaredtoaskher.
IwouldthinkofMidge’slittlefingersinthemiddleofabusyworkday.Iwouldtellmyself,“OnceIhavethebabyfull-timetomyself,everythingwillbeeasier.”Andthenithitme;thatdaywasnotcoming.This“work”thingwasnotgoingaway.Therewasnoprolonged
stretchoftimeinsightwhenitwouldjustbethebabyandme.AndthenIsobbedinmyofficefortenminutes.Thesametenminutesthatmagazinesurgemetouseforsit-upsandtricepsdips,Iusedforsobbing.OfcourseI’mnotsupposedtoadmitthatthereistriannualtorrentialsobbinginmyoffice,becauseit’sbadforthefeministcause.Itmakesitharderforwomentobetaken
seriouslyintheworkplace.Itmakesitharderforotherworkingmomstojustifytheirchoice.ButIhavefriendswhostayhomewiththeirkidsandtheyalsohaveatriannualsob,soIthinkweshouldcalliteven.Ithinkweshouldbekindtooneanotheraboutit.Ithinkweshouldagreetoblamethechildren.Also,mycryingthreetimesayeardoesn’tdistractmefrommyjobanymorethanmymale
coworkersgetdistractedwatchingMarchMadnessorshootingoneanotherwithNerfguns,or(tostopgeneralizing)spendingtwentyminutesonthephonebookingadoggyhotelfortheirpitbullbeforeatriptoItalywiththeirsame-sexpartners.
Aftersobbing,Ialwaysfantasizeaboutquittingmyjob.“Wedon’tneedalotof
money!”Itellmyself.“Wedon’tliveextravagantly;wejustliveinanexpensivecity.IfwemovedtoalittlehouseinthemiddleofPennsylvaniawecouldlivelikekingsformuchless!Andwe’dallbetogetheralldayandwe’llmakecupcakesandplantagarden!AndIwouldbetaller!Yes,somehowIwouldbetaller.”Myreverieisinevitablyinterruptedbysomeonewhoneedsmetoget
backtowork.TherearealmosttwohundredpeoplewhoworkonthisTVshowwithme.Alotofthemhavekidsthattheymissalldayjustlikeme;theykeepthesameterriblehoursasIdo;butunlikeme,theyarenotworkingattheirdreamjob.Theyneedthisjobtopaytheirbills,andifIflakedoutandquit,theirjobswoulddisappear.
Also,therearemanymomentsofmyworkthataredeeplysatisfyingandfun.Andalmostasmanymomentsoffull-timemotherhoodthatstinklikeAxebodysprayonabrickofbleucheese.*
SowhatdidIdoaboutthekid’snails?Ihopeyoudon’tthinkIletmylittleonewalkaroundwithsorefingers.
Ididthelogicalthing,oratleastwhatcountsaslogicalinthefancylifeIhavemadeformyself.
FirstthinginthemorningwhilemydaughterwasonthepottyIwouldcuthernailsbeforeIleftforwork.
Atfirstshedidn’twantto(understandably,sinceshewasusedtoithurtingalittle),butIconvincedherbycutting
thenailsalmostallthewaylefttorightandthenlettingherhavethehonorofpullingtheclippingtherestofthewayoff.Theprocesswaspreposterouslyslow,butwewerehuddledtogetherandwetoldstoriesaswewent.Thisisoneoftheweirdthingsaboutmotherhood.Youcan’tpredictthatsomeofyourbestmomentswillhappenaroundthetoiletatsixA.M.whileyou’reholdingapileof
fingernailclippingslikeaSanteriapriestess.
It’sthreeyearslaternow,soI’dliketobelievethehouseholdcommunicationhasgotteneasier.
Forexample,Icanwhispertomynowfive-year-oldkid,“TellJessienottocutyournailssoshort.Bye!”
andrunaway.Mydaughter
andIcanhaverealconversationsnow.ItoldherthatIdidn’tlikeitthatthemommyinthebookwasawitch.Thatithurtmyfeelings.Andshelookedatmematter-of-factlyandsaid,“Mommy.Ican’tread.IthoughtitwasaHalloweenbook.”
TheMother’sPrayerforItsDaughter
First,Lord:Notattoos.MayneitherChinesesymbolfortruthnorWinnie-the-PoohholdingtheFSUlogostainhertenderhaunches.
MayshebeBeautifulbutnotDamaged,forit’stheDamagethatdrawsthecreepysoccercoach’seye,nottheBeauty.
WhentheCrystalMethisoffered,
Maysheremembertheparentswhocuthergrapesinhalf
AndstickwithBeer.
Guideher,protecther
Whencrossingthestreet,steppingontoboats,swimmingintheocean,swimminginpools,walkingnearpools,standingonthesubwayplatform,crossing
86thStreet,steppingoffofboats,usingmallrestrooms,gettingonandoffescalators,drivingoncountryroadswhilearguing,leaningonlargewindows,walkinginparkinglots,ridingFerriswheels,roller-coasters,logflumes,oranythingcalled“HellDrop,”“TowerofTorture,”or“TheDeathSpiralRock‘NZeroGRollfeaturingAerosmith,”andstandingonanykindof
balconyever,anywhere,atanyage.
LeadherawayfromActingbutnotallthewaytoFinance.
SomethingwhereshecanmakeherownhoursbutstillfeelintellectuallyfulfilledandgetoutsidesometimesAndnothavetowearhighheels.
Whatwouldthatbe,Lord?Architecture?Midwifery?Golfcoursedesign?I’maskingYou,becauseifIknew,I’dbedoingit,Youdammit.
MaysheplaytheDrumstothefieryrhythmofherOwnHeartwiththesinewystrengthofherOwnArms,sosheneedNotLieWithDrummers.
GrantheraRoughPatchfromtwelvetoseventeen.
LetherdrawhorsesandbeinterestedinBarbiesformuchtoolong,ForChildhoodisshort—aTigerFlowerblooming
Magentaforoneday—
AndAdulthoodislongandDry-HumpinginCarswillwait.
OLord,breaktheInternetforever,
ThatshemaybesparedthemisspelledinvectiveofherpeersAndtheonlinemarketingcampaignforRapeHostelV:GirlsJustWannaGetStabbed.
AndwhensheonedayturnsonmeandcallsmeaBitchinfrontofHollister,Givemethestrength,Lord,toyank
herdirectlyintoacabinfrontofherfriends,ForIwillnothavethatShit.Iwillnothaveit.
AndshouldshechoosetobeaMotheroneday,bemyeyes,Lord,ThatImayseeher,lyingonablanketonthefloorat4:50A.M.,all-at-onceexhausted,bored,andinlovewiththelittlecreaturewhosepoopisleakingupitsback.
“Mymotherdidthisformeonce,”shewillrealizeasshecleansfecesoffherbaby’sneck.“Mymotherdidthisforme.”AndthedelayedgratitudewillwashoverherasitdoeseachgenerationandshewillmakeaMentalNotetocallme.Andshewillforget.
ButI’llknow,becauseIpeepeditwithYourGodeyes.
Amen
WhatTurningFortyMeanstoMe
IneedtotakemypantsoffassoonasIgethome.Ididn’tusedtohavetodothat.ButnowIdo.
WhatShouldIDowithMyLastFiveMinutes?
Sohereweareneartheend
ofthebook,andIhaveaquestionwithwhichIneedyourhelp.
WhatshouldIdowithmylastfiveminutes?Itfeelslikemylastfiveminutesofbeingfamousaretimingouttobesimultaneouswithmylastfiveminutesofbeingabletohaveababy.
Scienceshowsthatfertilityandmovieoffersdropoff
steeplyforwomenafterforty.
Ihaveonetop-notchbabywithwhomIaminlove.It’sahead-over-heels“firstlove”kindofthing,becauseIpayforeverythingandallwedoisholdhands.
Whenshesays,“IwishIhadababysister,”Iamstrickenwithguiltandpanic.Whenshesays,
“Mommy,IneedAquaSand,”or“Ionlywanttoeatgum!”or“Wipemybutt!”Iamlessaffected.
IthoughtthatraisinganonlychildwouldbethenorminManhattan,butmydaughteristheonlychildinherclasswithoutasibling.Mostkidshaveatleasttwo.LargefamilieshavebecomeastatussymbolinNewYork.Fourbeautifulchildrennamedafter
kingsandpiecesoffruitareawayofsaying“Icanaffordafour-bedroomapartmentand$150,000inelementaryschooltuitionfeeseachyear.Howyoulivin’?”
Now,I’mnotreallyoneforstatussymbols.Iwenttopublicschool.Ihaveallmyoriginalteethandfaceparts.Whenlefttomyowndevices,IdresslikeI’mheretoserviceyouraquarium.But
thekidpressuremountsforotherreasons.
Thewomanwhorunsmylocaltoystorethatsellsthekindofbeautifulwoodeneducationaltoysthatkidslove(ifthereareabsolutelynoothertoysaroundandtheyhaveneverseentelevision)asksme,
“Areyougonnahaveanotherone?”
Abackgroundactoronthesetof30Rockwillask,“Youwantmorekids?”“No,no,”Iwanttosay.“WhywouldIwantmorekidswhenIcouldbeherewithyouhavinganawkwardconversationoveratrayofolddanishes?”
Theear,nose,andthroatdoctorIseeaboutsomestress-inducedcankersoresoffers,unsolicited:“Youshouldhaveanotherone.I
hadmychildrenatforty-oneandforty-two.It’sfine.”Didshenothearthepartaboutthestress-inducedcankersores?
Myparentsraisedmethatyouneveraskpeopleabouttheirreproductiveplans.“Youdon’tknowtheirsituation,”mymomwouldsay.IconsidereditsuchanimpolitequestionthatforyearsIdidn’tevenaskmyself.Thirty-fiveturned
intofortyfasterthanMcDonald’sfoodturnsintocoldnonfood.
Behinddoornumbertwo,youhavethemoviebusiness.Shouldn’tIseizetheopportunitytomakemoremoviesinthenextfewyears?ThinkofthemoviesIcouldmake!
MagazineLady—Thestoryofanoverworkedwoman
lookingforlove…whoseless-attractivefriend…’smeanbossisplayedbyme…whenBebeNeuwirthturnsitdown.
TheWeddingCreeper—Anoverworkedwomanlookingforlovesneaksintoweddingsandwishesstrangerswellontheirweddingvideos,onlytofallinlovewithahandsomevideographer(GerardButleroracoatrackwithaleather
jacketonit),despitethefactthatwhentheyfirstmet,theyknockedoveraweddingcake,causinganoldlady(AcademyAward™winnerJaneFonda)torap.
Next,astrategicallychosensmallpartinarespectableindiedramedysemblecalledDisregardingJoy,inwhichIplayalesbiantherapistwhounexpectedlycriesduringherpartner’snephew’sbris.
RogerEbertwillpraisemyperformanceas“bravetogrowthatlittlemustache.”
Finally,formoney,Iplaythevillaininthelive-actionMoxieGirlzmovieoppositeafuturechildstarwhoatthismomentisstillaticklyfeelinginBillyRayCyrus’sballs.
HowcouldIpassupthoseopportunities?DoIevenhave
therighttodeprivemoviegoersofthoseexperiences?
Thesearethebaby-versus-worklifequestionsthatkeepmeupatnight.There’sanothergreatmovieidea!BabyVersusWork.Ahardworkingbabylookingforlove(KateHudson)fallsforahandsomepileofpapers(HughGrant).IwouldplaytheghostofaVictorian
poetesswhoanachronisticallytellsKateto“Goforit.”
Idebatethesecond-babyissuewhenIcan’tsleep.“ShouldI?No.Iwantto.Ican’t.Imust.Ofcoursenot.Ishouldtryimmediately.”
Igetuptogotothebathroomandstudymyselfinthemirror.DoIlooklikesomeonewhoshouldbepregnant?Ilookgoodfor
forty,butIhavethequaggyjawlineandhollowcheeksofamom,notapregnantlady.It’snowornever.Thisdecisioncannotbedelayed.
Andwhat’ssogreataboutworkanyway?Workwon’tvisityouwhenyou’reold.Workwon’tdriveyoutogetamammogramandtakeyououtafterforsoup.It’stoomuchpressureonmyonekidtoexpecthertoshoulderall
thosedutiesalone.Also,whatifsheturnsonme?Iamprettyhardtolike.Ineedabackup.
Andwhowillbemydaughter’sfamilywhenmyhusbandandIaredeadfromstress-inducedcankers?Shemusthaveasibling.Hollywoodbedamned.I’lljustbeunemployableandlabeledcrazyinfiveyearsanyway.
Letmeclarify.Ihaveobservedthatwomen,atleastincomedy,arelabeled“crazy”afteracertainage.
FEMALEWRITER:Youeverworkwith
MALEAGENT:(dismissive)She’scrazynow.
FEMALEWRITER:YouknowwhoIlovedgrowingup?
.Whataboutherfor
thispart?
MALEWRITER:Idon’tknow.Ihearshe’sprettybatshit.
FEMALEWRITER:Igotacalltodayfrom
.
MALEPRODUCER:Ugh.Wehadherontheshowonce.Shewasacrazyassache.Shewantedtoseeherlinesaheadoftime.Shehadallthesequestions.
I’veknownoldermenincomedywhocanbarelyfeedandcleanthemselves,andtheystillwork.
Thewomen,though,they’reall“crazy.”
Ihaveasuspicion—andhearmeout,’causethisisaroughone—Ihaveasuspicionthatthedefinitionof“crazy”inshowbusinessisawomanwhokeepstalkingevenafternoonewantstofuckheranymore.
TheonlypersonIcanthinkofthathasescapedthe
“crazy”monikerisBettyWhite,which,obviously,isbecausepeoplestillwanttohavesexwithher.
Thisistheinfuriatingthingthatdawnsonyouoneday:Evenifyouwouldneversleepwithorevenflirtwithanyonetogetahead,youarebeingsexuallyadjudicatedbytheseLAcreeps.Networkexecutivesreallydosaythingslike“Idon’tknow.I
don’twanttofuckanybodyonthisshow.”Theyreallydosaythatstuff.That’snotjustlactation-stoppingdialogueonEntourage.
(Toanyexecwhohaseversaidthataboutme,Iwouldhopeyouwouldatleasthavetheintelligenceandself-awarenesstoknowthatthefeelingisextremelymutual.)Itseemstomethatthefastestremedyforthis“WomenAre
Crazy”situationisformorewomentobecomeproducersandhirediversewomenofvariousages.ThatiswhyIfeelobligatedtostayinthebusinessandtryhardtogettoaplacewhereIcancreateopportunitiesforothers,andthat’swhyIcan’tpossiblytaketimeoffforasecondbaby,unlessIdo,inwhichcasethatisnobody’sbusinessandI’llneverregretitforamomentunlessitruinsmy
life.
Andnowit’sfouro’clockinthemorning.
Tohellwitheverybody!MaybeI’lljustwaituntilI’mfiftyandgivebirthtoaballoffingers!
“MerryChristmasfromTina,Jeff,Alice,andBallofFingers,”thecardwillsay.(“HappyHolidays”onthe
onesIsendtomyagents.)
ItrytothinkaboutanythingelsesoIcanfallbacktosleep.Iusedtoclingtothefactthatmymomhadmeunexpectedlyatforty,onlytorealizeacoupleyearsagothatIhadthemathwrongandshewasthirty-nine.Aworldofdifference,inmyinsomniacopinion.
Mymomwasconceivedin
theUS,borninGreece,andbroughtbackhereasaninfant.Becauseofthis,shenevergetsjuryduty.
Shegrewupspeakingbothlanguages,andwhenIwasinelementaryschoolshevolunteeredtobeaclassroomaidebecausealotoftheGreeksinourneighborhoodwere“rightofftheboat,”asshewouldsay,andneededatranslator.Mymotherknew
thelanguageandtheculture.Sometimestheteacherswouldaskhertotranslatebadnews.“PleasetellMrs.Fondulasthathersonisverydisruptive.”
AndmymomwouldnodandsayinGreek,“Georgeisalovelyboy.”Becausesheknewifshereallytranslatedthat,thekidwouldgetabeatingandthemotherwouldhateherforeveroutof
embarrassment.
Littlekids’birthdaysinmyneighborhoodweresimpleaffairs.Hotdogs,HawaiianPunch,pinthetailonthedonkey,followedbycakeandlightvomiting.(Wieners,punch,andspinningintobarfingwouldlaterbereferredtoas“theParisHilton.”)
Iwouldalwayscomplainto
mymotheraftertheGreekkids’partiesbecausetheyservedItalianrumcake.
Coveredinsliveredalmondsandsoakedinbooze,Italianrumcakeiseverythingkidshateabouteverything.Nooneevenateit.Itjustgotthrownaway.
CakeTimeissupposedtobetheclimaxofabirthday,butinsteaditwasacrushing
disappointmentforall.Iimagineit’slikebeingatabachelorpartyonlytofindthatthestripperhasoverdosedinthebathroom.
Afteracoupleyearsofthisnonsensemymomexplainedtomethatthereasonthe“GreekyGreeks,”asshecalledthem,gottheItalianrumcakeswasbecausetheywerethemostexpensiveiteminthebakery.Theywanted
theadultsatthepartytoknowtheycouldaffordit.Anyway,isthatwhatI’mtryingtodowiththissecond-babynonsense?AmIjustchasingitbecauseit’sthehardestthingformetogetandIwanttoproveIcandoit?
DoIwantanotherbaby?OrdoIjustwanttoturnbacktimeandhavemydaughterbeababyagain?
Someofyoumustbethinking,“Well,whatdoesyourhusbandwant?He’sapartofthisdecision,too,youknow!”Hewantsmetostopagonizing,butneitherofusknowswhetherthatmeansgoforitormoveon.
Whynotdoboth,likeeverybodyelseinthehistoryofearth?Because,asIthinkwehaveestablishedinthisbook,thingsmostpeopledo
naturallyareofteninexplicablydifficultforme.
Secondly,themathisimpossible.Nomatterhowyouaddupthemonths,itmeansderailingtheTV
showwheretwohundredpeopledependonmefortheirincome,andItakethatstuffseriously.Likeeveryonefrom
TomShalestoJeffZucker,Ithought30Rockwouldbecancelledbynow.
Ihaveagreatgynecologistwhoisasgiftedatlisteningassheisatrectalexams.Iwentformyannualcheckupand,tiredofcarryingthisanxietyaround,burstintotearsthemomentshesaidhello.Ilaiditalloutforher,andthemainthingItookawayfromourconversationwasthekindof
simpleobservationthatonlyanimpartialthirdpartycanprovide.“Eitherway,everythingwillbefine,”shesmiled,andforalittlewhileIwaspulledoutofmyanxious,stuntedbraincloud.
OnetimemymombabysatasetoftheItalianRumCakeKidswhiletheirparentswenttoaweddingreception.Thiswasthefirsttimethisnicecouplehadgoneoutalone
sincetheirchildrenwereborn.Theirparentsdroppedthemoffaftertheceremony.LittleChristoandMariawerestillalldressedup.Christoworeatinyblacksuitandawhiteshirt.Mariaworearedvelvetdressandcriedintheplaypenfromthemomentherparentsleftuntilthemomenttheyreturned.Mymomtriedeverythingtoconsoleher,food…Theend.
Afteracouplehoursofthis,seven-year-oldChristowasbesidehimself.Hehadneverbeenbabysatbefore.Howlongwasthisfuckerygoingtogoon?Hissisterwashysterical.Hepacedaroundourlivingroom,nowinhisshirtsleevesandblackpants.Pullinghisgoldencurlsnervously,helookedlikethenightmanagerofaminiaturedinerwhohadjusthadapartyofsixdineanddash.He
rantedtohisbabysisterinGreek,“
,vrehβρεMapia!”Thissentmymotherrunningintothe
diningroomlaughinghysterically.Ichasedher.What?Whatdidhesay?Roughlytranslateditwas“Oh!
MyMaria!Whatistobecomeofus?”
Hisoverdramaticridiculousnesstickledmymominsuchaspecificwaythatshewasdoubledoverinthediningroom,hopingthekidswouldn’tseethatshewaslaughingsohardatthemshepeedalittle.AphenomenonInowunderstandonalllevels.
Theyweregoingtobefine,buttheycouldn’tpossiblybelieveit.
ThatmusthavebeenwhatIlookedliketomydoctorfriend.ThatmustbewhatIlookliketoanyonewitharealproblem—active-dutysoldier,homelessperson,Chileanminer,etc.Alittletinypersonwithnothingtoworryaboutrunningincircles,worriedoutofhermind.
Eitherway,everythingwillbefine.Butifyouhavean
opinion,pleasefeelfreetoofferittomethroughthegapinthedoorofapublicrestroom.Everyoneelsedoes.