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Book by VERA MORRISMusic By ARNE CHRISTIANSEN
Lyrics By OLE KITTLESON
© Copyright 1998, by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.
PERfORMANCE LICENSE
The amateur acting rights to this play are controlled exclusively by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood, Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind may be given. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: “Produced by special arrangement with PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., Englewood, Colorado.”
copying or reproducing all or any part of this book in any manner is strictly forbidden by law.
All other rights in this play, including those of professional production, radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., to whom all inquiries should be addressed.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN IS MY NAME Adapted and dramatized from the original story
by The Brothers Grimm Book By VERA MORRIS, Music By ARNE CHRISTIANSEN
Lyrics By OLE KITTLESON
CHARACTERS* (In order of appearance)
# of lines
CHARLOTTE ............................. young peasant girl 27 KATHERINE ............................... another 23 HUNTSMAN ............................... young forester 30 RUMPELSTILTSKIN .................. ill-tempered little wizard 113 GRISELDA ................................. four hundred year old witch 41 MILLER’S WIDOW ..................... runs the mill by the woods 37 LAURA ....................................... her pretty daughter 153 PRINCE TOM ............................. soon to be King 80 APPLE SELLER ......................... citizen 10 PRIME MINISTER ...................... advisor to the queen 47 JESTER ..................................... court fool 45 LADY MATILDA ......................... lady-in-waiting to the queen 26 QUEEN ...................................... forceful ruler 90 CUSTOMER ............................... for the mill 10 NURSEMAID .............................. for the new prince 7
*Roles of APPLE SELLER, CUSTOMER and JESTER can be played as female or male.
EXTRAS can be utilized as CITIZENS and/or MEMBERS OF THE ROYAL COURT.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
The action of the play takes place in a kingdom by the woods, once upon a time.
ACT ONE
Scene 1: The woods. Night.
Scene 2: Next day.
ACT TWO
Scene 1: The palace. Later the same day.
Scene 2: The palace. One year later. For preview only
SYNOPSIS Of SCENES
The action of the play takes place in a kingdom by the woods, once upon a time.
ACT ONE
Scene 1: The woods. Night.
Scene 2: Next day.ACT TWO
Scene 1: The palace. Later the same day.
Scene 2: The palace. One year later.
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NOTES
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rumpelstiltskin is my name
ACT ONEScene One
SETTING: The woods. At nighttime. The woods are suggested by some cut‑out trees and rocks, foliage.
A wooden bench, log or tree stump DOWN CENTER. Everything is shadowy and gloomy. At night, the woods are a very mysterious place.
MUSIC CUE 1: “Overture.”
AT RISE: We hear the SOUND Of NIGHT BIRDS calling to one another in the dimness. Then, silence, followed by the frightened VOICES of CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE from OffSTAGE, DOWN LEfT.
CHARLOTTE’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) Hurry, Katherine. I don’t like to be in the woods at night.
KATHERINE’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) You think I do?
CHARLOTTE’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) There are wild animals in the woods. (ENTERS FROM DOWN LEFT. She’s a young peasant girl. She carries a basket. Suddenly she freezes, thinks she’s heard something.) What was that?
KATHERINE: (ENTERS FROM DOWN LEFT. Same age as CHARLOTTE. Also carries a basket.) What was what?
CHARLOTTE: (Terrified.) Auuugh! (She turns and sees KATHERINE.) It’s you.
KATHERINE: Who did you think it was?
CHARLOTTE: (Leery.) It could have been the witch.
KATHERINE: That’s a silly superstition. There’s no witch in the woods.
CHARLOTTE: Some people say they’ve seen the witch.
KATHERINE: Some people will say anything. (Indicating the basket.) I’d better get these berries home. Mother gets angry when I’m late for supper.
CHARLOTTE: (Thinks she hears something.) Listen.
KATHERINE: (Listens.) Nothing.
CHARLOTTE: (CHARLOTTE takes KATHERINE by the hand.) Let’s get out of here. (They move cautiously RIGHT, looking about, fearful of the shadows.)
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HUNTSMAN: (Appears in the woods from UP LEFT. He darts IN and OUT OF VIEW again, behind a tree or rock. He makes noises that sound like birdcalls.) Caw‑caw‑caw. (CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE react.)
CHARLOTTE: Don’t tell me you didn’t hear that!
KATHERINE: I heard something.
HUNTSMAN: Caw‑caw‑caw.
KATHERINE: There it is again!
CHARLOTTE: It’s the witch, I tell you. (HUNTSMAN, still calling out “Caw‑caw‑caw,” EXITS RIGHT. KATHERINE sees him go. Points.)
KATHERINE: There!
CHARLOTTE: Where?
KATHERINE: In the shadows. (Indicates.) I saw something.
CHARLOTTE: Was it a wolf?
KATHERINE: I couldn’t tell.
CHARLOTTE: A bear?
KATHERINE: Maybe.
CHARLOTTE: We’d better run. (Hurriedly moves DOWN RIGHT. KATHERINE is right behind her. Just as they’re about to EXIT, HUNTSMAN leaps INTO VIEW FROM RIGHT and cuts off their escape. He carries a bow and has a quiver of arrows over one shoulder.)
HUNTSMAN: Caw‑caw‑caw! (CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE scream and jump back. In gentlemanly fashion, HUNTSMAN doffs his cap and makes a sweeping bow.) Good evening, young ladies. Charlotte. Katherine. (The GIRLS recognize him.)
CHARLOTTE: So it was you, Huntsman. Up to your usual tricks.
KATHERINE: You should be ashamed of yourself. You gave us a good scare.
HUNTSMAN: Better a good scare than a bad one. I’ve never seen you two in the woods at night.
CHARLOTTE: (Indicating the basket.) We were picking berries on the far side of the castle.
KATHERINE: We were having such a good time we didn’t notice the sun disappear.
CHARLOTTE: The woods at night frighten me.
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KATHERINE: (Worries.) Charlotte says there’s a witch in the woods. Have you ever seen the witch?
HUNTSMAN: No.
KATHERINE: That’s a relief.
HUNTSMAN: But I’ve heard her.
GIRLS: (Gasp.) Heard her!
HUNTSMAN: (Imitating a witch.) Cackling and mumbling, mumbling and cackling. Mumble, cackle. Cackle, mumble. (Nervously, CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE look over their shoulders.)
CHARLOTTE: (Shaking.) Oh! Oh!
KATHERINE: Oh! Oh! Oh!
HUNTSMAN: I’m only teasing, my friends. If a witch should come along, I’ll be here to protect you. (MUSIC CUE 2: “Witches in the Wood.” Sings.) Musn’t be afraid because you fear the witches in the wood.Witches can be evil but sometimes evil turns to good.
CHARLOTTE: (Sings.) What about the witch who forced a girl to eat a poisoned apple just for spite?
HUNTSMAN: (Sings.) She awoke from kisses from a prince who married Miss Snow White.
KATHERINE: (Sings.) What about the girl who met a witch who held the girl completely in her power?
HUNTSMAN: (Sings.) Rapunzel was rescued by a handsome prince who climbed her hair and brought her down quite safely from the tower.
CHARLOTTE: (Sings.) Gretel and her brother met a witch who filled them both with dread.
KATHERINE: (Sings.) Hansel saved them from the fate of both becoming gingerbread.
HUNTSMAN: (Sings.) Those are only fairy tales just like the one you heard about Red Riding Hood.I’ll protect you both from wolves and witches in the wood.
ALL THREE: (Sing.) Witches in the wood. Witches in the wood.
HUNTSMAN: (At end of song.) You are like frightened little kittens. Good thing I came along when I did. I’ll walk you to your homes.
CHARLOTTE: It’s the least you can do, since you scared us out of our wits.
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HUNTSMAN: The queen is going hunting. She never gets anything. She’s a terrible shot with the bow and arrow. Still, she likes the excitement of the hunt.
CHARLOTTE: (To KATHERINE.) Maybe we’ll be able to sell the berries. A few coins in our pocket wouldn’t hurt.
KATHERINE: Times are so hard.
HUNTSMAN: Don’t let the queen hear you say that. Hard times is all she hears.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (In the distance, from OFFSTAGE LEFT, like an echo.) Griseldaaaaaaaaaa...
TRIO: Auuuuugh!
CHARLOTTE: What was that?
KATHERINE: Sounded like an echo. Or a scream.
CHARLOTTE: Scream?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) Griseldaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
CHARLOTTE: It’s the witch, I tell you.
HUNTSMAN: ’fraidy cats. (Steps back and waves the GIRLS OUT.) This way, young ladies. (Eager to get away, CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE hurry OUT RIGHT.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: Griseldaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (HUNTSMAN, alone on stage, begins to shake in fear.)
HUNTSMAN: I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t hear anything...
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: Griseldaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
HUNTSMAN: (Calling after CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE.) Wait for me! (He runs OUT RIGHT. Pause.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: Griselda! Griselda! (RUMPELSTILTSKIN thumps INTO VIEW from LEFT. He’s a small, unpleasant, bearded wizard with a foul temper. Wears a medallion on a chain around his neck. Arms akimbo, he roars out of the woods.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Why don’t you answer me? I know you’re in there. Somewhere. Griselda! (No response. He leaps onto the bench or tree stump.) If you don’t answer me, I’m going to hold my breath until my head explodes. (Furious.) I mean it! I mean it! (Like an angry child, he stomps his foot and puffs out his cheeks. Holds his breath.)
GRISELDA’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, UP RIGHT.) Who? What? Someone there? (Some CACKLES and MUMBLES.)
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Me!
GRISELDA’S VOICE: Who calls Griselda? (Delighted with the response to his call, RUMPELSTILTSKIN jumps down.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I do.
GRISELDA’S VOICE: Who? Who? (More CACKLES and MUMBLES.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Rumpelstiltskin!
GRISELDA’S VOICE: It’s you, little wizard. Come to pay a visit, have you? How nice. Good to have a visitor. (CACKLES and MUMBLES as GRISELDA moves through the woods and comes near to RUMPELSTILTSKIN. She’s ancient and bent. Long white hair, hands like claws. She hobbles along with the aid of a twisted stick. Wears a long black dress with patches and tears. Her voice is scratchy and rather frightening. She squints.)
GRISELDA: Haven’t seen you in many years.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’ve been here. I’ve been there.
GRISELDA: Busy little wizard.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’re the only one who can help me.
GRISELDA: So you want something. I thought you were just being friendly to an old lady.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’re a powerful witch, Griselda.
GRISELDA: But I’m getting on. I’m four hundred years old. It’s not easy being four hundred years old. I can’t fetch and carry and my eyes are growing dim.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Snaps.) Never mind about that. Tell me what I want to know.
GRISELDA: What is it you want to know, little man?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I want to be the most powerful force in the kingdom. How can this come to pass?
GRISELDA: The most powerful force in the kingdom? (Chuckling.) My, my. You are ambitious. What will you do with this power?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I will rule the kingdom. I will be lord and master over all the mortals! I don’t like mortals, you know. In fact, I hate them! Yes, I do. They think they know everything there is to know. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. (Each time he says “hate,” he stamps his foot.)
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GRISELDA: No need getting yourself into a rage. One day you’ll do yourself harm. (Squinting, she faces away from RUMPELSTILTSKIN and takes a few steps.) There is a way...
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Tell me! Tell me! I’ll pay whatever you ask.
GRISELDA: Money is of no use to me. (Squinting.) Where are you, little man? I can’t see you.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Turn around, turn around. I’m here.
GRISELDA: (Turns, squints.) So you are. My poor eyes.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Never mind your eyes. Tell me what I want to know. Tell me how I can be the most powerful wizard in the kingdom.
GRISELDA: It’s quite simple. Complicated things usually are.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Tell me!
GRISELDA: I will give you this information. (Serious.) But if you fail in your quest you must pay a forfeit.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What is the forfeit?
GRISELDA: (Chuckles.) It’s for me to know.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: The forfeit doesn’t matter because I won’t fail.
GRISELDA: My, you are a determined little fellow.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Tell me, I say!
GRISELDA: If that is your wish.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It is.
GRISELDA: (Seized with a sudden flow of energy, Griselda spins around several times and begins chanting.) Rumpelstiltskin, come of night.Sight of anger and of fright.Temper mark this spot.He wants to know an awful lot! (GRISELDA laughs, which only infuriates the little wizard.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Don’t toy with me!
GRISELDA: Little man, little man, there is no cost.
But if you fail, all is lost!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I won’t fail! How many times must I tell you. You’re making me angry. Tell me what I want to know. Tell me! Tell me! (As he rages on he stamps his foot in a fury.)
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GRISELDA: (Speaking in a clear and forceful voice, she points at RUMPELSTILTSKIN.) Hear me well, little man. If you would be the most powerful force in the kingdom...
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes? Yes?
GRISELDA: The most powerful wizard on earth...
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes? Yes?
GRISELDA: You must possess a child of royal birth!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Surprised.) Eh?
GRISELDA: You heard me.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A child of royal birth?
GRISELDA: When you possess such a child, the power you see will be yours.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How am I to get such a child?
GRISELDA: (Back to her old voice.) That is your affair, not mine. (She hobbles towards the woods.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, Griselda. Don’t go. I have more questions.
GRISELDA: I have no more answers. (CACKLING and MUMBLING, she disappears into the woods and OFF UP RIGHT.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Silly old witch. (Delighted with the information.) The most powerful wizard on earth! A child of royal birth! (He dances about.) A child of royal birth! A child of royal birth! (He’s DOWN CENTER, arms akimbo, speaks to audience.) I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I’ll do it! And when I have the child, this kingdom and everything in it will belong to me. To me! Rumpelstiltskin!!! Hahaha! (He runs OFF LEFT as the LIGHTS QUICKLY DIM TO BLACK.)
End of Scene One
MUSIC CUE 3: “Scene Change Music.”
ACT ONEScene Two
The woods the next day. Bright and sunny.
AT RISE: MUSIC CUE 4: “Hunting Horn.” MILLER’S WIDOW ENTERS from DOWN LEfT. She carries a sign. It reads: “THIS WAY TO THE MILL” and an arrow, painted in red, points out the direction.
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WIDOW: (Speaks over her shoulder.) If we don’t get some money soon, my dear daughter, the mill will be lost. (WIDOW’S daughter, LAURA, ENTERS from DOWN LEFT. She’s a pretty girl with a pleasing personality, but she’s often bewildered by life. Wears a simple necklace, has a ring on one finger.)
LAURA: Don’t say that, Mother. The mill is all father left us. If we lost the mill, where would we live?
WIDOW: In the woods, I imagine. In a hut made of twigs and branches.
LAURA: I wouldn’t like that.
WIDOW: Nor would I. We’d be no better than possums or chipmunks.
LAURA: (Notices a tear in her dress.) What a nuisance!
WIDOW: What is?
LAURA: I must have torn my dress coming through the thorny brush.
WIDOW: You must learn to be more careful. You’re a little bit clumsy. (Checks.) It’s nothing. Only a small rip. (Plucks a needle from her costume.) Here’s a needle with a bit of thread. It’ll do the trick.
LAURA: I’m not very good when it comes to sewing.
WIDOW: Practice makes perfect. (Indicates bench.) Sit over there and sew. Concentrate on what you’re doing. Don’t let your mind wander.
LAURA: Yes, Mother.
WIDOW: I’ll put up this sign.
LAURA: Yes, Mother.
WIDOW: Maybe it’ll attract some business.
LAURA: We can always hope. (WIDOW EXITS DOWN RIGHT as LAURA crosses to bench/stump and sits. MUSIC CUE 5: “Hunting Horn.” LAURA sings softly as she sews. MUSIC CUE 6: “There was a Jolly Miller.” Sings.) There was a jolly miller once,Lived on the River Dee.He worked and sang from morn till night,No lark more blithe than he.And this the burden of his songforever used to be:I care for nobody, no not I,If nobody cares for me.(As LAURA sews and softly sings or hums, PRINCE TOM, a good‑looking young man, ENTERS through the woods, LEFT. The
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HUNTSMAN is behind him. PRINCE TOM motions him to be quiet. They listen to the singing for a moment.)
PRINCE TOM: You see that girl, Huntsman?
HUNTSMAN: I do, Prince Tom.
PRINCE TOM: I’ve seen her before. Do you know who she is?
HUNTSMAN: The miller’s daughter. He died some time ago and left his wife and daughter in debt.
PRINCE TOM: How lovely she is.
HUNTSMAN: (Indifferent.) If you say so, Prince Tom.
PRINCE TOM: find out everything there is to know about her.
HUNTSMAN: I doubt if there’s much to know. A simple girl. Like most of the girls in the kingdom.
QUEEN’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, LEFT.) Tom! Where are you, Tom!
HUNTSMAN: It’s your mother calling.
QUEEN’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) Tom! Prince Tom!
PRINCE TOM: Tell her I’ll be along.
HUNTSMAN: (Bows.) It is done. (HUNTSMAN EXITS LEFT. LAURA still hums as she sews. PRINCE TOM steps into her view.)
PRINCE TOM: Have any wild animals come this way?
LAURA: (Looks up, surprised.) Animals? (Recognizes him. To audience.) It’s the prince! (She stands, curtsies.) Your Highness.
PRINCE TOM: (Helping her up.) Please, let’s have no court formality here. When I’m away from the palace, I like to be carefree. You’re the miller’s daughter.
LAURA: (Surprised.) You know who I am?
PRINCE TOM: Naturally. You’re one of my subjects, aren’t you? What is your name?
LAURA: Laura.
PRINCE TOM: I like that name. (MUSIC CUE 7: “I Like Your Name.”)
LAURA: (Bewildered. Speaks.) Really?
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) I like your name, I like the name of Laura, As fragile as a crystal carousel.
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Not Nan, not Nora, I like the name of Laura.Yes, the name of Laura suits you very well.
LAURA: (Sings.) I like your name, I like the name of Thomas, As gentle as a simple silver bell.To you, I promise, I like the name of Thomas.Yes, the name of Thomas suits you very well.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) I like your name, I like the name of Laura, As fragile as a crystal carousel.
LAURA: (Sings.) To you, I promise, I like the name of Thomas.Yes, the name of Thomas suits you very well.
BOTH: (Sing.) Yes, our names both seem to suit us very well.
PRINCE TOM: (At end of song.) What do you do at the mill?
LAURA: I help my mother. I’m not very good when it comes to grinding the grain, but I’m conscientious. (As LAURA and PRINCE TOM converse, RUMPELSTILTSKIN tiptoes in from RIGHT and eavesdrops from behind some tree or rock.)
PRINCE TOM: (To audience.) She has such soft eyes. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN rubs his hands together in gleeful fashion. He’s delighted that LAURA and PRINCE TOM are attracted to one another.)
LAURA: (Making conversation.) Is the hunt going well, Your Highness?
PRINCE TOM: It helps my mother forget her troubles.
LAURA: Troubles?
PRINCE TOM: Things haven’t been going well with the kingdom.
LAURA: Everyone is terribly poor. Everyone needs money.
PRINCE TOM: You are a smart girl, Laura. You know what troubles the kingdom. (APPLE SELLER ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT.)
APPLE SELLER: Apples, apples. Who’ll buy my apples?
PRINCE TOM: You there. I’ll buy an apple. How much?
APPLE SELLER: One copper. (To audience.) Can that be who I think it is? The prince?! (RUMPELSTILTSKIN scurries to another location in the woods.)
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PRINCE TOM: A red one, nothing green.
APPLE SELLER: Yes, Your Royal High Person. Nothing but the best. (Selects an apple.) This ought to do.
LAURA: It’s a beauty. (PRINCE TOM takes a copper coin from some pocket. He stares at the coin longingly. Crosses to APPLE SELLER.)
PRINCE TOM: Here you are. My last. (Hands over coin.)
APPLE SELLER: Here you are, Prince. I thank you. (Hands PRINCE TOM the apple, bites the coin. It’s a dud. Disappointed, APPLE SELLER tosses coin over his shoulder. MUSIC CUE 8: “Hunting Horn.” ROYAL TROUPE ENTERS from DOWN LEFT. First in is PRIME MINISTER, followed by JESTER and LADY MATILDA. LAURA steps back. JESTER has a stick with bells on ribbons.)
PRIME MINISTER: Your mother is in a state, Prince Tom. She doesn’t like it when you run off.
PRINCE TOM: I’m old enough to do as I choose, Prime Minister. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN EXITS RIGHT, unseen.)
QUEEN’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) Tom!
JESTER: Tell that to your mother.
PRINCE TOM: I’m not afraid of my mother.
QUEEN: (ENTERS FROM DOWN LEFT.) Tom!!!
PRINCE TOM: (To APPLE SELLER.) Well, maybe just a little. (The QUEEN is a forceful personality. Her voice BOOMS. She never engages in conversation—she lectures. Each sentence is a command. Everyone is terrified of her. On her appearance, LAURA and APPLE SELLER curtsy. QUEEN carries a hunting bow. JESTER constantly mimics her.)
PRINCE TOM: Hello, Mother.
QUEEN: I’ve been looking for you.
PRINCE TOM: (Smiling boyishly.) Here I am.
QUEEN: This has not been a successful hunt. I haven’t seen one deer.
JESTER: One deer—
QUEEN: I haven’t seen a decent game bird.
JESTER: Decent game bird—
QUEEN: Not one rabbit.
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JESTER: Rabbit—
QUEEN: Quiet, fool.
JESTER: Quiet! (He slaps himself in the face.)
LAURA: (Gestures to bench/stump.) Please, Your Majesty. Won’t you rest yourself?
QUEEN: A sensible suggestion, peasant girl. I am weary.
LADY MATILDA: In that case, you must rest, Your Majesty. (LADY MATILDA moves to the bench. She dusts it with her handkerchief and indicates that it’s fit for sitting.)
JESTER: Lady Matilda knows a thing or two. (Mimics LADY MATILDA.) You must rest, Your Majesty.
LADY MATILDA: Quiet, fool.
JESTER: Quiet, fool. (He slaps himself in the face. QUEEN strolls to the bench and sits.)
QUEEN: (Loud sigh.) It’s useless. I can’t forget affairs of state.
APPLE SELLER: (Offers an apple.) Have an apple, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: I couldn’t afford to buy one.
LADY MATILDA: Now, now, Your Majesty. Things can’t be that bad.
QUEEN: (Roars.) Things are that bad! (ALL, startled, jump back.)
OTHERS: Oh!
PRIME MINISTER: This hardly seems the time nor the place, Your Majesty, but I have the treasurer’s report you requested.
QUEEN: I requested it yesterday! I should have had it yesterday.
JESTER: (To PRIME MINISTER.) fool!
PRIME MINISTER: Quiet!
JESTER: Quiet, fool. (JESTER slaps himself in face.)
PRIME MINISTER: (Producing a scroll from his costume.) The kingdom’s assets are underlined in red. The liabilities are underlined in green. (He hands the scroll to QUEEN. She unrolls it.)
JESTER: Assets in red, liabilities in green. If the kingdom doesn’t get some money soon, I’m going to scream. (Hops about.)
QUEEN: Quiet! (JESTER stops. ALL look to QUEEN who continues to study the report. Frowns.) Nothing is underlined in red.
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LADY MATILDA: Nothing?
JESTER: Nothing?
PRINCE TOM: Nothing?
QUEEN: That’s what I said. Nothing. (To PRIME MINISTER.) Why is nothing underlined in red?
PRIME MINISTER: Nothing is underlined in red, Your Majesty, because the kingdom has no assets.
QUEEN: The kingdom is penniless?
PRIME MINISTER: (Confirms.) Penniless.
JESTER: And nickelless and dimeless.
QUEEN: This is worse than I thought. (Livid.) Somebody will pay for this!
JESTER: With what? There’s no money.
QUEEN: You’re the Prime Minister, Prime Minister. Think of something.
PRIME MINISTER: There is only one solution, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: Well, well, what is it? Speak up. Don’t keep me waiting. Cat got your tongue?
JESTER: Cat got your tongue?
PRIME MINISTER: It concerns the prince.
LADY MATILDA: Prince Tom?
PRIME MINISTER: He’s the only prince we have.
PRINCE TOM: What about me?
JESTER: Yes, what about him? Speak up.
PRIME MINISTER: He must marry, Your Majesty. And soon. And to a princess of a rich house. She must supply a fabulous dowry.
JESTER: fabulous.
QUEEN: Rich? Why didn’t I think of that? (Likes the idea.) Yes... rich. I like rich.
PRINCE TOM: What if she’s ugly?
QUEEN: (Snaps.) Money isn’t ugly.
JESTER: You heard the queen. Money isn’t ugly.
PRINCE TOM: But I want to marry for love.
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JESTER: (Mimics.) I want to marry for love.
QUEEN: (Rises from the bench like an erupting volcano, then to TOM.) You’ll marry for the good of the kingdom!
PRIME MINISTER: We don’t have much time, Your Majesty. The creditors are demanding their money.
LADY MATILDA: What creditors?
PRIME MINISTER: The butcher and the baker.
JESTER: The candlestick maker.
PRIME MINISTER: The tinker, the tailor—
JESTER: The drapery‑maker.
LADY MATILDA: Let them wait.
PRIME MINISTER: They threaten to sue.
QUEEN: I could cut off their heads! That would settle the problem.
JESTER: Chop, chop.
PRIME MINISTER: The people would never stand for it.
JESTER: Then let them sit.
LADY MATILDA: Quiet, fool.
JESTER: Quiet, fool. (Slaps himself.)
PRIME MINISTER: Your soldiers haven’t been paid in months and the cook is threatening to quit.
QUEEN: I’ve heard enough. The matter is settled. (To PRINCE TOM.) You will marry, and you will marry rich.
PRINCE TOM: But... but... but...
QUEEN: Silence! (ALL cringe.) I must decide who would make a good wife for my son. A good, rich wife. (Thinking.) Hmmmmmm. There’s Princess Ogle.
PRINCE TOM: Princess Ogle! She has three eyes!
LADY MATILDA: No one notices. She combs her hair over her face.
PRINCE TOM: I might as well marry a sheep dog.
PRIME MINISTER: There’s Princess Yodel.
PRINCE TOM: Princess Yodel! A voice like fingernails on sandpaper.
JESTER: Use earplugs.
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PRIME MINISTER: What about Princess Soupy?
PRINCE TOM: Princess Soupy! She drools. from both corners of her mouth.
QUEEN: Don’t be so critical, Prince Tom. (MUSIC CUE 9: “Marry for Love.” Speaks.) Beggars can’t be choosers. Ogle, Yodel and Soupy are—rich.
OTHERS: (Speak.) Rich!
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) I’ll marry for love and the thrill of a tender romance.
QUEEN: (Sings.) You’ll marry a princess who pays all her bills in advance.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) I’ll wed for devotion and honor. I never would marry for cash.
QUEEN: (Sings.) To marry a penniless princess is stupid and pure balderdash.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) I’ll marry for love ’cause I don’t want to feather my nest.
QUEEN: (Sings.) As long as she’s loaded you’ll find out that mother knows best.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) To marry a girl for affection is what I have been dreaming of.
QUEEN: (Sings.) She’ll be well‑to‑do with a million or two. You’ll marry for money, not love.(Speaks.) What about Princess Allura? She was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.
PRINCE TOM: (Speaks.) But she has only one tooth and a big, black moustache.
QUEEN: (Speaks.) Minor flaws. You can barely see her moustache in a darkened room. You must stop being so persnickety.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) Her lips will be flaming! for fiery kisses I’ll yearn.
QUEEN: (Sings.) That sounds good to me, that could mean she has money to burn.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) Her eyes will reflect ev’ry moonbeam, a wonderous sight to behold.
QUEEN: (Sings.) Who cares if they’re purple and orange, as long as her heart’s made of gold?
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) To marry for money would set such a devious trap.
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QUEEN: (Sings.) Who cares if you’re cradled forever in luxury’s lap?
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) To marry a girl for affection is what I have been dreaming of.
QUEEN: (Sings.) She’ll be well‑to‑do with a a million or two. You’ll marry for money, not love.She will be well‑to‑do.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) She will wed me, not you. (The following two lines are sung in unison.)
QUEEN: (Sing.) You will marry for money, not love, love, love.
PRINCE TOM: (Sings.) And I only will marry for love, love, love.
QUEEN: (At end of song.) I just thought of someone else—Princess Romantica. Her nickname is “Miss Moneybags.”
PRINCE TOM: But Princess Romantica has ten toes.
QUEEN: What’s the matter with that?
PRINCE TOM: They’re all on the same foot.
QUEEN: Decisions! Decisions! Decisions! A brisk walk in the woods will help me make my choice.
PRIME MINISTER: An excellent idea, Your Majesty. (QUEEN marches OFF into woods and OUT, LEFT. OTHERS bow or curtsy. COURT MEMBERS follow after the QUEEN. This leaves ONSTAGE: LAURA, PRINCE TOM, APPLE SELLER.)
LAURA: (Trying to think of something to say.) The queen has a loud voice, doesn’t she?
PRINCE TOM: (Concurs.) Yes.
APPLE SELLER: A forceful woman.
PRINCE TOM: Yes.
LAURA: I hope you find a beautiful and kind and loving princess to wed.
PRINCE TOM: I’d rather marry you.
LAURA: (Hand to her cheek in amazement.) Marry me?
APPLE SELLER: A miller’s daughter. Ha! Ha! Ha! (PRINCE TOM gives her a dirty look. APPLE SELLER swallows hard.) Sorry. (TOM steps to LAURA and hands her the apple.)
LAURA: for me?
PRINCE TOM: I wish it were diamonds.
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QUEEN’S VOICE: Tom! Tom! Tom!
PRINCE TOM: Coming, Mother. (He runs into the woods and OFF, LEFT. LAURA stares at the apple.)
LAURA: Did you hear what he said? He wished this apple were diamonds.
APPLE SELLER: With wishing comes grieving. (LAURA sits, sobs.) Here, now. What’s this? Why are you crying?
LAURA: I’m sorry the prince will have to marry someone he doesn’t love.
APPLE SELLER: I’m sorry the kingdom is so poor. It means I’m going to have a hard time getting rid of these apples. (Crosses DOWN LEFT, calls out.) Apples, apples. Who’ll buy my apples? Apples fit for a prince. Who’ll buy? Who’ll buy? fit for a prince... (She’s OUT. Again, LAURA stifles a sob. RUMPELSTILTSKIN ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT. LAURA doesn’t notice. She sobs again. The little wizard is unimpressed with her tears, points to the apple.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Sarcastic.) What are you going to do with that? Make applesauce?
LAURA: (Looks up.) Oh! I didn’t hear you approach.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Naturally. I didn’t want you to hear me.
LAURA: Who are you?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Who do you think I am?
LAURA: I haven’t any idea.
WIDOW: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) I nailed the sign to an oak tree. It can’t hurt to advertise.
LAURA: It can only help.
WIDOW: I’ll make certain the other signs haven’t fallen down. (Crosses DOWN LEFT.)
LAURA: (To RUMPELSTILTSKIN.) What is your name?
WIDOW: (Stops and turns.) What did you say, Laura?
LAURA: I was asking this little man what his name is.
WIDOW: What little man?
LAURA: This little man.
WIDOW: Where?
LAURA: (Points.) Standing right here. Can’t you see him?
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WIDOW: (Tosses up her hands.) You’re such a fanciful child. Now you’re making up imaginary playmates. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
LAURA: (Calls after her.) I tell you he’s standing beside me.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Save your breath. She can’t see me.
LAURA: Why not? I can see you.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I only let people see me when I choose to let them see me. (Displays medallion.) I have the power to make myself invisible. (LAURA gasps.) This medallion is—magic.
LAURA: (On guard.) Magic? (RUMPELSTILTSKIN moves quickly to other side of LAURA.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Uh‑huh. Magic. I’m a wizard.
LAURA: (Frightened.) Wizard!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: There’s nothing to be frightened of. I won’t do you any harm. I watched you with the prince. He likes you. You like him. (Fierce.) I want that apple. Give me that apple.
LAURA: No! (Holds it tightly.) The prince gave it to me. I’ll never part with it.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Sly.) If you sell me that apple, I’ll give you three gold coins.
LAURA: (Impressed, gasps.) Gold?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You heard me. Three—gold—coins.
LAURA: Even one gold coin would save the mill.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Then sell me the apple.
LAURA: (Holding the apple as if it were the most precious thing in the world.) I’m sure the prince would understand. I mean—if he knew how poor we are. If he knew it would save the mill.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look. (From some pocket he takes a shiny gold coin. Holds it up to the sun.) See how it shines? It’s warm to the touch. Most people think gold is cold, but it isn’t. It’s warm and comforting. Another. (Takes second gold coin from the pocket and holds it up.) One—two— (Into pocket for a third coin.) three. Three gold coins. (LAURA can’t resist. She holds out her hand, and the little man drops the coins into her grip. He grabs the apple and takes a bite. Immediately, he spits it out.) Bah! Phooey! Ugh! Call this sour piece of fruit an apple? I wouldn’t feed it to a cross‑eyed pig. (Tosses it OFFSTAGE.)
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LAURA: (Jumps up.) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Are you going to want your gold back?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, Miss Donkeybrain. You may keep the coins on one condition, one promise.
LAURA: What condition?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: If anyone asks you where you got this gold, you must tell them you wove it from straw.
LAURA: Gold from straw?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Uh‑huh.
LAURA: That’s not possible.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Angry.) I decide what is possible, and I decide what is not possible. Make up your mind. Do you want the gold coins or not?
LAURA: I want.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Then remember your promise. Hi diddlediddle. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN skips away into the woods and OUT DOWN RIGHT.)
LAURA: (To audience.) What a strange man. (The coins.) Gold from straw.
CUSTOMER: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, bent with a sack for grinding over one shoulder.) Hello, Laura. Why aren’t you at the mill? I’ve got some grain here that needs working. (Drops the sack and straightens up.) My poor back.
LAURA: The queen is in the woods. Hunting.
CUSTOMER: That’s neither here nor there for a poor woman [man] like myself. (Sees coins.) Bless me. What’s that you’re holding? Looks like gold coins. (Steps closer.) It is gold coins! (Grabs one.) I’ve never seen such gold! (Bites the coin.)
LAURA: (Grabs it back.) It’s for the taxes on the mill.
CUSTOMER Where did you get such fine gold?
LAURA: I sold an apple.
CUSTOMER An apple? Sold an apple! This gold coin would buy an orchard.
LAURA: (Remembers her promise.) I mean, I mean—
CUSTOMER Well?
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LAURA: (Hesitates.) I wove this gold from straw.
CUSTOMER Gold from straw? Ha, ha, ha! (CUSTOMER steps DOWN RIGHT and calls OFFSTAGE.) Everybody, come quick. Laura has gone mad. The miller’s daughter has lost her mind!
LAURA: I haven’t. I’m quite sane.
CUSTOMER: (Yelling OFFSTAGE.) Says she can weave gold from straw! (HUNTSMAN ENTERS the woods from LEFT. Stands back, observing and hearing everything.)
CHARLOTTE’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, RIGHT.) Gold from straw?
CUSTOMER: That’s what she says.
KATHERINE’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, RIGHT.) Can’t be true.
LAURA: (To CUSTOMER.) Stop telling everyone.
CUSTOMER: (Runs DOWN LEFT, YELLS OFFSTAGE.) Come quickly. The miller’s daughter has gone mad! (CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE ENTER DOWN RIGHT. APPLE SELLER and WIDOW ENTER DOWN LEFT. Some ADDITIONAL CITIZENS can be added if desired.)
APPLE SELLER: What’s all the excitement?
WIDOW: (To CUSTOMER.) I’ll thank you to keep your voice down when speaking about my daughter. (Pause.) What do you mean she’s gone mad?
CUSTOMER: She has gold.
OTHERS: (Amazed.) Gold?
CUSTOMER: (To LAURA.) Show them. I won’t have people thinking I’m a liar. (ALL look to LAURA. She holds the coins up, one by one. ONLOOKERS GASP.)
WIDOW: Laura! (She hurries to LAURA and fingers the coins.) It’s true. Gold.
ONLOOKERS: (Fascinated by the word.) Gold.
CUSTOMER: Ask her where she got it. Go on, ask her. (ONLOOKERS lean forward, curious.)
WIDOW: (Soothingly.) Laura, dear. Daughter, dear.
LAURA: Yes, Mother? (Pause.)
WIDOW: Where did you get this gold? You found it, didn’t you?
LAURA: No, Mother. (Pause.)
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WIDOW: Some good Samaritan gave it to you?
LAURA: No, Mother. (Pause.)
WIDOW: You borrowed it from someone?
LAURA: No, Mother.
KATHERINE: Then where did you get it, Laura?
CHARLOTTE: Tell us.
ALL: Tell us, tell us!
LAURA: I—I— (Silence as ONLOOKERS strain to hear.) I—I—I wove it from straw. (ONLOOKERS gasp.)
ONLOOKERS: You wove it from straw! Hahahahaha!
LAURA: It’s true, I tell you. True! I wove it from straw. (MUSIC CUE 10: “Straw Into Gold.”)
KATHERINE: (Sings.) Come see something most unusual, Ev’ryone from near and far.
CHARLOTTE: (Sings.) It would seem a major miracle, Though perhaps a bit bizarre.
CUSTOMERS/ALL: (Sing.) Straw into gold, straw into gold. Hard to believe when the story’s told.Straw into gold, straw into gold.Tell me, who ever heard of it?Straw into gold.
HUNTSMAN: (Speaks.) Come and see this curiosity from each street and thoroughfare.
APPLE SELLER: (Speaks.) This is something most exceptional, quite uncommon, awf’lly rare.
CUSTOMERS/ALL: (Sing.) Straw into gold, straw into gold. Hard to believe when the story’s told.Straw into gold, straw into gold.Tell me, who ever heard of it? Straw into gold.Straw into gold, straw into gold. Hard to believe when the story’s told.Straw into gold, straw into gold.Tell me, who ever heard of it? Straw into gold.
CHARLOTTE: (At end of song.) Laura has gone mad.
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KATHERINE: Who ever heard of weaving gold from straw?
CHARLOTTE: We’ve better things to do than listen to nonsense. (CHARLOTTE and KATHERINE EXIT DOWN RIGHT. HUNTSMAN runs OUT, LEFT. CUSTOMER crosses for the sack, picks it up.)
CUSTOMER: Gold is gold. Who cares where it comes from?
APPLE SELLER: I wish I had a daughter like the miller’s daughter. I could forget about selling apples. (Turns, EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
CUSTOMER: (To WIDOW.) That’s some imagination your daughter has. I’d watch her if I were you. Next thing she’ll be telling us she can fly. (Crosses DOWN LEFT.) Gold from straw. That’s a good one. (CUSTOMER is OUT.)
WIDOW: Sit down, Laura. You must have a fever.
LAURA: There’s nothing wrong with me.
WIDOW: You’ve always been a strange child. (Pushes LAURA onto bench/stump. She puts her hand to LAURA’S head testing for fever.) Only a short time ago you were talking with a little man who wasn’t there.
LAURA: But he was here.
WIDOW: Then why didn’t I see him?
LAURA: Because he was invisible.
WIDOW: (Certain her daughter has lost her mind.) Invisible. I see. I mean, I don’t see. I mean, you must see a doctor.
LAURA: I don’t need a doctor.
HUNTSMAN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, talking over his shoulder to the QUEEN who is about to ENTER.) I saw the gold with my own eyes, Your Majesty. (Points to LAURA.) She’s the one. The miller’s daughter.
QUEEN: (Sweeps IN FROM DOWN LEFT. Behind her are PRIME MINISTER and LADY MATILDA.) (To HUNTSMAN.) Gold from straw, you say?
LAURA/WIDOW: (LAURA stands, curtsies; WIDOW curtsies.) Your Majesty.
HUNTSMAN: (Crosses to LAURA.) Give me one of the coins. (LAURA doesn’t respond.)
WIDOW: Do as you’re told, daughter. (Reluctantly, LAURA hands one of the coins to HUNTSMAN. He takes it to the QUEEN. Greedily, she studies it. Holds it up to the light, bites it.)
QUEEN: I’ve never seen such gold. (Hands it to PRIME MINISTER. Same business.)
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LADY MATILDA: It’s pure. And look—no marking on the coin.
PRIME MINISTER: If this girl can do as she says, the financial woes of the kingdom are a thing of the past.
LADY MATILDA: You did well, Huntsman.
QUEEN: (To WIDOW.) You are the mother?
WIDOW: (Another clumsy curtsy.) Yes, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: Your daughter can do as she says?
WIDOW: (Another dumb curtsy.) About what, Your Majesty?
QUEEN: Don’t play games, woman. Can your daughter spin gold from straw?
WIDOW: (Another curtsy.) Uh... uh... uh...
QUEEN: Stop bouncing up and down. Answer me or it’s the dungeon!
WIDOW: Dungeon! (Terrified, the words rushing out.) Yes, yes, yes. It’s true, Your Majesty. It’s quite true. My daughter can spin gold from straw.
QUEEN: So be it. (To PRIME MINISTER.) The girl will return with us to the palace. (To LAURA and WIDOW.) But I warn you. If you are trying to trick me you will both lose your heads!!!
LAURA/WIDOW: Auuuugh! (They cling to each other for protection.)
QUEEN: (To HUNTSMAN.) The girl. (HUNTSMAN moves to LAURA and pushes her toward the QUEEN. To PRIME MINISTER and LADY MATILDA.) What are you waiting for? There’s work to be done! March! (LADY MATILDA and PRIME MINISTER march OFF, DOWN LEFT. QUEEN FOLLOWS and then LAURA and HUNTSMAN.)
WIDOW: (Following them, wringing her hands in woe.) Laura! My poor daughter. What have I done! (She’s OUT, DOWN LEFT. As soon as WIDOW EXITS, RUMPELSTILTSKIN bounces in from RIGHT, absolutely delighted with the way things are going. He speaks directly to audience.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Everything is going as I planned. The miller’s daughter is on her way to the palace where I shall continue to “spin” my plot. One step at a time, one step at a time. Ha, ha, ha. Hee, hee, hee. (EXITS and GRISELDA appears UP LEFT.)
GRISELDA: (As she appears, underscoring begins for MUSIC CUE 11: “Finale, Act I.” Speaks.) The determined little wizard still does not possess a child of royal birth. (Calling after him.) Remember,
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ambitious one, if you fail in your quest you still must pay the forfeit. And if you fail, all is lost!(Sings.) Witches can be evil but you might discover there are witches who are good.Still you must beware of the witches in the wood!
End of ACT ONE
ACT TWOScene One
The Palace, represented by an impressive chair [throne] UP CENTER. A stool or small bench is DOWN RIGHT.
MUSIC CUE 12: “Entr’acte.”
AT RISE: PRIME MINISTER ENTERS from STAGE LEfT, followed by PRINCE TOM.
PRIME MINISTER: The matter is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do.
PRINCE TOM: But you heard my mother’s edict. Either Laura spins gold from straw or—or—or—
PRIME MINISTER: She makes the acquaintance of the executioner’s axe. (PRIME MINISTER stands RIGHT of the throne, DOWNSTAGE a bit.)
PRINCE TOM: That mustn’t happen.
PRIME MINISTER: If she spins the gold, all is well.
PRINCE TOM: I don’t want any harm to come to Laura.
PRIME MINISTER: You call her Laura? Why are you so concerned with the miller’s daughter? She’s no princess.
PRINCE TOM: (To audience, confidential.) Yet. (MUSIC CUE 13: “Trumpet Fanfare.” HUNTSMAN ENTERS from LEFT, announces.)
HUNTSMAN: Her Majesty, the Queen of the kingdom. North, East, South and West. (He steps aside as QUEEN thunders IN. Behind her is LADY MATILDA with writing pad and quill. Also JESTER and some OPTIONAL EXTRAS as court figures, if desired. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])
QUEEN: I want new carpets for the hallways. Make a note of it, Lady Matilda.
LADY MATILDA: (Writes.) Yes, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: I’ll want a new carriage of state with doors painted gold and
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purple. (Sits.)
LADY MATILDA: (Writes.) Yes, Your Majesty.
JESTER: Could I have a new outfit, Your Majesty? I’ve worn this old thing for years.
QUEEN: Make a note of it, Lady Matilda. The fool gets a new outfit.
LADY MATILDA: (Writes.) Yes, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: New wardrobe for the entire court. (Looks about.) I want to redo this room. It’s not fit for a queen.
LADY MATILDA: Yes, Your Majesty. I mean, no, Your Majesty. (Writes.)
PRIME MINISTER: Begging your pardon, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: What is it?
PRIME MINISTER: With all due respect—aren’t you putting the cart before the unicorn?
QUEEN: I’m not following.
PRIME MINISTER: The miller’s daughter says she can weave gold from straw, but this may not be true.
QUEEN: In that case, it’s off with her head, and Prince Tom can marry Ogle, Yodel or Soupy.
PRINCE TOM: I’d rather live like a beggar in the woods.
JESTER: No, my Prince! You don’t know what you’re saying. The woods are haunted.
PRIME MINISTER: Rubbish.
JESTER: I ought to know. I was kicked back to the palace by someone who wasn’t there.
LADY MATILDA: Someone who wasn’t there?
OTHERS: Someone who wasn’t there? Hahaha!
PRIME MINISTER: The fool is a fool.
OTHERS: Hahaha!
QUEEN: (Stands up, hand up.) Silence! (Instantly, the laughter stops. To HUNTSMAN.) The miller’s daughter!
HUNTSMAN: (Bows.) At once, Your Majesty. (EXITS LEFT.)
QUEEN: I prefer to look on the bright side. (To PRIME MINISTER.) If this spinning business is true, all our problems are over.
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PRINCE TOM: (Timidly.) You wouldn’t take off her head, would you, Mommy dearest?
QUEEN: Silence! (ALL cringe. QUEEN sits. Growls LEFT.) I’m waiting! I’m waiting! (Taps her foot impatiently.)
WIDOW’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, LEFT.) My Laura is a good girl. She doesn’t mean any harm.
HUNTSMAN’S VOICE: Mustn’t keep Her Majesty waiting. (HUNTSMAN ENTERS from LEFT. With one hand he holds WIDOW and with the other he holds LAURA.)
PRINCE TOM: Laura! (He starts to step toward her but is stopped by a withering look from the QUEEN. WIDOW breaks from HUNTSMAN’S hold and throws herself on her knees in front of the QUEEN.)
WIDOW: Your Majesty. Mercy. (Gestures to LAURA.) She’s a good daughter, but sometimes her imagination runs away with her.
QUEEN: Are you trying to say she can’t weave gold from straw?
WIDOW: I’m only asking, Your Majesty. Asking that Laura and I may return to the mill and tend to our affairs.
PRIME MINISTER: I believe the woman has lied about her daughter’s ability.
QUEEN: If she has, she knows her fate. (With two fingers, QUEEN makes a cutting gesture across her throat.)
OTHERS: Ugh.
QUEEN: (To LAURA.) Step forward, girl.
LAURA: (LAURA moves to QUEEN, curtsies.) Your Majesty.
QUEEN: No lies. Can you spin gold from straw?
LAURA: I—I—I...
PRIME MINISTER: What’s it to be? The spinning wheel or the axe?
QUEEN: You heard the Prime Minister. The spinning wheel or the axe?
JESTER: You heard them. The spinning wheel or the axe? (Like a football cheerleader.) Give her the axe, axe, axe. Give her the axe, axe, axe!
QUEEN: Quiet, fool.
JESTER: Quiet, fool. (Slaps himself.)
WIDOW: My daughter is a good girl. She means no harm.
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QUEEN: (Sweeping gesture LEFT.) Get rid of her! (HUNTSMAN steps to WIDOW and pulls her up and drags her OUT, LEFT.)
WIDOW: Laura, Laura. (She’s OUT. For a few seconds we continue to hear her wailing, “Laura, Laura!”)
QUEEN: (To LAURA.) You!
LAURA: (Shaking.) Me, Your Majesty?
QUEEN: (Points to stool.) Sit! (LAURA practically flies across the room and sits on the stool.) The rest of you—follow me.
JESTER: You heard the queen. follow me. (QUEEN sweeps OFF, LEFT. JESTER follows, then LADY MATILDA and PRIME MINISTER, OPTIONAL EXTRAS.)
LAURA: (When OTHERS are OUT.) Life is so strange at times.
PRINCE TOM: (Steps to her; tries to be optimistic.) I’m not worried.
LAURA: You’re not? (He puts a hand to her shoulder.)
PRINCE TOM: You can do it. I know you can.
LAURA: You do?
PRINCE TOM: (Gives a “thumbs‑up” gesture of victory.) I’ve got faith in you, Laura.
LAURA: (Weakly, out to audience.) I hope I don’t disappoint you, my Prince.
QUEEN’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE.) Don’t drop a single piece of straw!
VOICES: (From OFFSTAGE.) We won’t, Your Majesty.
JESTER’S VOICE: We won’t, we won’t, we won’t. (QUEEN returns and gestures to OFFSTAGE, RIGHT. The following ENTER, each with handfuls of straw: PRIME MINISTER, LADY MATILDA, OPTIONAL EXTRAS. JESTER can either carry a spinning wheel or a handful of straw. They dutifully march OFFSTAGE RIGHT.)
QUEEN: (To LAURA.) Not much straw, miller’s daughter. It should be an easy task. (Calls LEFT.) Sentry!
HUNTSMAN: (HUNTSMAN ENTERS from DOWN LEFT.) You screamed, Your Majesty?
QUEEN: You will stand guard in the hallway. You will make certain the miller’s daughter doesn’t try to escape.
HUNTSMAN: It shall be done, Your Majesty. (He bows, EXITS. In solemn procession, PRIME MINISTER, LADY MATILDA, JESTER and EXTRAS come from the unseen room, cross to STAGE LEFT and OUT.)
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QUEEN: Do not disappoint me, miller’s daughter.
PRINCE TOM: She has a name, Mother.
QUEEN: Oh?
PRINCE TOM: Her name is Laura. (QUEEN realizes her son and LAURA are interested in each other.)
QUEEN: Hmmmmmmmm. (Shift in mood.) I will return in one hour.
LAURA: One hour!
QUEEN: (To PRINCE TOM.) Leave her to her work, Tom. (Crosses LEFT.) Time will tell all. (She EXITS.) Tom!
PRINCE TOM: Coming, Mother. (He hurries after QUEEN. Stops before he EXITS, turns back to LAURA. Gives another “thumbs‑up” for victory gesture. Leaves.)
LAURA: (To audience.) I’m glad Prince Tom has faith in me. But I hate disappointing him. Weave gold? I can’t even sew properly. (She buries her face in her hands, sobs. Her sobbing gets louder and louder.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (From unseen room, RIGHT.) How am I supposed to get any sleep with that horrible noise? (LAURA looks up.)
LAURA: Did I hear someone?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Of course you heard someone, Carrothead. You heard me. (LAURA looks, turns to audience.)
LAURA: It’s him. The little wizard. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN steps beside LAURA.) I’m in a terrible pickle because of you. (Sobs.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Why are you crying? Stop it. I can’t abide crying. What ails you, girl? (To audience.) Mortals are always crying and complaining. Bah. (To LAURA.) Speak up.
LAURA: I have to spin straw into gold, and I don’t know how to do it.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I suppose I could help you. You did keep your promise. You told everyone you had the skill.
LAURA: Look where it’s gotten me.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What will you give me if I spin the straw into gold?
LAURA: You mean it?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Angrily.) Of course I mean it! (Stomps about.) Mortals! Bah!
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LAURA: (Removes necklace.) I’ll give you this necklace. It was a gift from my father.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Let me see it. (She hands him the necklace. He inspects it.) Okay.
LAURA: Thank you! But how do you do it? How do you perform this wonderous feat?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: My, but you’re nosy. I do it with my magic spinning wheel.
LAURA: Where is it now?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: None of your beeswax. (MUSIC CUE 14: “Straw Into Gold—Reprise.” Speaks.) Besides, you couldn’t see it anyway. It’s invisible. And I always spin where no one can watch me. (Sings.) I feed the straw into the spinner then push the pedal to the floor.Then the magic of the spinning wheel spins out more and more and more.Pease‑porridge hot, pease‑porridge cold, it’s in the pot and it’s nine days old.Straw into gold, straw into gold, tell me who ever heard of it straw into gold? (EXITS OFF RIGHT to unseen room, skipping, as underscore music plays.) (Speaks.) This won’t take long.
LAURA: (Stands and moves CENTER, looking into the unseen room. To audience. Speaks.) I wonder if the sentry is where he’s supposed to be? (She hurries DOWN LEFT and peers OFFSTAGE.)
HUNTSMAN’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE. Speaks.) What are you looking at, miller’s daughter?
LAURA: (Speaks.) Just looking.
HUNTSMAN: (Speaks.) Tend to the straw.
LAURA: (Speaks.) Yes, yes. The straw. (Crosses CENTER, looks into the unseen room again.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (Chanting.) Whorl and spindle,foot pedal and kindle—
LAURA: (Repeating.) “Whorl and spindle,foot pedal and kindle—”
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (Still chanting.) Whir, whir, whir—
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LAURA: (Repeats.) “Whir, whir, whir—” (Gold coins are tossed from the unseen room.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (Speaks.) Gold, gold, gold.
LAURA: (Speaks.) Gold! He’s done it! (Sings.) Straw into gold, straw into gold. Tell me, who ever heard of it?Straw into gold! (Quickly, LAURA scoops up the gold coins. [NOTE: There should be at least six of them.] At end of song.) Saved! How happy I am! (With the coins in her hand, she steps to the unseen room and calls in.) Thank you, little man. (No answer.) Little man? (No answer.) Are you in there? (To audience.) Gone. And I am so weary. All this excitement. (She yawns and stretches her arms. She steps back to stool and sits. LAURA lets the gold coins dribble into her lap.) I wish I could tell my mother the good news. We can keep our heads. (She falls asleep. If possible, the STAGE LIGHTS DIM a little to indicate a passage of time. If not, LAURA will sleep for a few seconds. A soft snore or two to indicate a time lapse.)
PRIME MINISTER’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE LEFT.) One hour exactly, Your Majesty.
QUEEN’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Time flies. (LIGHTS UP. PRIME MINISTER ENTERS LEFT with an egg timer. He steps aside as QUEEN marches IN and down to LAURA. PRINCE TOM follows IN.)
QUEEN: (Shaking LAURA by the shoulder.) No sleeping on the job. Why aren’t you working at the spinning wheel?
LAURA: (Awakes.) Your Majesty. It’s you. (Gathering coins from her lap, she stands.)
PRIME MINISTER: The girl has obviously failed at her task.
PRINCE TOM: Don’t say that, Prime Minister.
LAURA: I have done as you commanded, Your Majesty. There wasn’t much straw, so I did the best I could. (Hands coins to QUEEN.)
QUEEN: (Gasps.) She’s done it!
PRINCE TOM: (Thumbs up.) Hooray!
QUEEN: (Moves to PRIME MINISTER.) Look at this, Prime Minister.
PRIME MINISTER: (Takes two of the coins.) Amazing. Extraordinary. Hard to believe.
LAURA: May I go home now?
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QUEEN: Home? Home! These few coins aren’t enough. (Calls STAGE LEFT.) More straw!
PRIME MINISTER: Straw!
QUEEN: More straw!
PRIME MINISTER: Keep it coming!
LAURA: (Alarmed.) You mean you want me to spin more?
QUEEN: To save the kingdom.
LAURA: (Sits on stool, distressed.) Oh, my. (From LEFT ENTER LADY MATILDA, HUNTSMAN, JESTER, OPTIONAL EXTRAS. Each carries a basket of straw. Dutifully, they march OFF RIGHT into the unseen room.)
PRINCE TOM: You can do it, Laura. (Thumbs up.) I know you can.
LAURA: (Sadly.) I appreciate your confidence, Prince.
PRIME MINISTER: We’ll be able to pay the army and the cook. All the kingdom’s debt.
QUEEN: (To LAURA.) You know the penalty if you fail. (LAURA makes the cutting gesture across her throat.) Shall we say the straw into gold within two hours?
LAURA: Two hours or two days, Your Majesty. (To audience.) Either way it’s the axe. (LADY MATILDA and OTHERS march IN from unseen room, cross LEFT and OUT.)
QUEEN: A kingdom can never have enough gold. (EXITS LEFT. PRIME MINISTER follows. PRINCE TOM and LAURA exchange forced smiles. Gently, he waves. LAURA returns the wave.)
QUEEN’S VOICE: (OFF LEFT.) Tom!
PRINCE TOM: Coming, Mother. (He EXITS. LAURA sobs.)
LAURA: (To audience.) The queen is greedy. What am I to do? (Looks about.) Little man, where are you? (RUMPELSTILTSKIN pops IN from DOWN RIGHT.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What’s this? More sobbing? You’re going to get the floor soggy.
LAURA: It’s you!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You called for me, didn’t you?
LAURA: What is your name?
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Snaps.) Never mind about that, Puddin’ Head! My name is no concern of yours! What’s with the waterworks?
LAURA: (Wipes away a tear.) The queen wants me to spin more gold from straw.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s why you need the little wizard.
LAURA: Would you do it?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What’s in it for me?
LAURA: (Pulls ring from her finger.) My ring. (He takes it, inspects.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Okay.
LAURA: Saved! (To audience.) Again. (MUSIC CUE 15: “Straw Into Gold—Reprise 2.”)
LAURA: (Sings.) feed the straw into the spinner then push the pedal to the floor.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Sings.) Then the magic of the spinning wheel spins out more and more and more.Pease‑porridge hot, pease‑porridge cold, it’s in the pot and it’s nine days old.
BOTH: (Sing.) Straw into gold, straw into gold. Tell me, who ever heard of it?Straw into gold! (RUMPELSTILTSKIN EXITS OFF into the unseen room, as underscore music plays.)
LAURA: (Moves UPSTAGE and peers into the room. Speaks.) Is there enough light?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (Speaks.) Who needs light? Only mortals need light. I can see in the dark. Don’t bother me, Mistress Cabbagehead.
LAURA: (To audience. Speaks.) Such a disagreeable fellow. He’s so sarcastic.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Chants.) Whorl and spindle,foot pedal and kindle—Whir, whir, whir.
LAURA: (Long pause. Takes a step RIGHT. Speaks tentatively.) Is anything the matter? (Pause, then—)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (Speaks.) I’m finished.
LAURA: (Speaks.) finished? So soon?
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (Speaks.) Can’t you get it through your thin head yet?—I’m a wizard! (Gold coins are tossed in from the unseen room—about a dozen.)
LAURA: (Scooping up coins. Speaks.) Thank you, little man! You are a wonderful wizard! Thank you.(Sings.) Straw into gold, straw into gold. Tell me, who ever heard of it?Straw into gold!(At end of song. Calling RIGHT.) Hello? Hello, hello? funny little man? Yoo‑hoo? (To audience.) Gone again. (Runs CENTER, CALLS LEFT.) Your Majesty! Your Majesty, come quick. I’m finished.
QUEEN’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE.) finished?
LAURA: All done. (QUEEN hurries IN from LEFT. OTHERS run IN from DOWN LEFT: PRIME MINISTER, PRINCE TOM, JESTER, LADY MATILDA, HUNTSMAN, EXTRAS. ALL are excited.)
PRIME MINISTER: It’s not possible. She hasn’t been at the wheel for more than a few moments.
LADY MATILDA: A remarkable girl.
JESTER: You don’t suppose she’s a witch? (ALL gasp.)
QUEEN: Hold your tongue! (JESTER holds his tongue between two fingers.)
LAURA: (With great dignity.) Your Majesty, I have done as you commanded. Now, I beg you. Let me return to the mill. Let my mother come with me. (She steps to the QUEEN, curtsies. She extends her cupped hands, which hold the coins. QUEEN takes a coin and holds it up to the light. She bites the coin.)
QUEEN: (To PRIME MINISTER.) Perfect. Good as the last batch. (ONLOOKERS applaud.)
PRINCE TOM: Then Laura is free to go? (PRIME MINISTER steps beside QUEEN, stage whispers.)
PRIME MINISTER: More gold will protect the kingdom from famine. from invasion. from all manner of calamity.
LAURA: I can’t spin anymore. (Kneels in front of QUEEN.) Your Majesty, I have done what you asked. No more, please.
QUEEN: Hear me well, all of you. (She marches to her throne, sits.) I am pleased with the miller’s daughter. (ONLOOKERS applaud.) However— (Applause cuts off.) the Prime Minister speaks wisdom. More gold is needed.
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LAURA: I can’t. I’m exhausted.
QUEEN: Hear me out, Laura.
PRINCE TOM: (To LAURA.) She called you Laura.
QUEEN: I have seen the love you have for my son. And I have seen the love he has for you in his eyes. I will fill that room— (Indicates RIGHT.) —with straw. Top to bottom. If you succeed I will allow my son to take you for his wife.
LAURA: Oh!
QUEEN: You will never have to spin again.
LAURA: Oh!
QUEEN: More than that, I shall abdicate the throne in favor of Prince Tom. He shall be King.
PRINCE TOM: (Bursting.) And a good king I’ll be, too. (Applause. )
JESTER: (Hops to LAURA.) I guess you know what that means? (He takes the gold coins.)
LAURA: (In a daze.) I’ll be Mrs. Prince Tom. (Laughter.)
LADY MATILDA: foolish girl. Prince Tom won’t be a prince anymore. He’ll be the king.
PRIME MINISTER: Which means you’ll be the new queen.
LAURA: (Can’t believe it.) Me?!
OTHERS: Queen Laura of the kingdom.
JESTER: North, East, South and West.
LAURA: It’s like a dream.
PRINCE TOM: (Crosses to LAURA and helps her to her feet.) Dreams do come true, Laura.
QUEEN: Everyone out. Search the castle, the stables, the barns and fields. Straw! Straw! Straw! (ALL but LAURA dash OUT LEFT.)
ALL: (But LAURA.) : Straw! Straw! Straw! (From OFFSTAGE we continue to hear the cry of “Straw! Straw! Straw!” Some might EXIT from the stage to run up the aisles. Poor LAURA stands alone in the throne room, lost in her thoughts.)
LAURA: Dreams do come true? So do nightmares.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Pops IN from RIGHT. He sees LAURA and grins. Then—grins into audience and rubs his hands happily. Dances
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about.) Hididdlediddle. Everything is happening as I planned it. (To LAURA.) You there, miller’s brat.
LAURA: (Now aware of his presence.) It’s you.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To audience.) She’s not much with words, is she? That’s all she ever says. (Mimics.) “It’s you.” (Steps to her.) What’s the problem this time?
LAURA: The queen is going to fill up the room with straw. The whole room, floor to ceiling. She says if I spin the straw into gold I can marry her son and become the new queen.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’ll be a step up.
LAURA: You know I can’t spin gold.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What will you give me if I do it for you?
LAURA: I have nothing left.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Craftily.) Then promise me, if you should become queen, you’ll give me your first child.
LAURA: My first child?!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You heard me. Your first child. (Points to unseen room.) floor to ceiling, straw to gold.
LAURA: (Steps DOWNSTAGE, speaks to audience.) What a strange request. But then, he’s a strange little man. Should I agree? What do you think? (Whether there is an audience response or not, LAURA continues on.) After all, the marriage may never come to pass. I may never have a child. (To RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Impulsive.) I agree.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Excellent! A wise decision. Now, get out of here, dummy. I want to be alone. fetch some straw.
LAURA: (Running from room.) Straw!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Skipping about.) Laura marries the prince. Laura becomes the queen. I will get the firstborn and when I have it, my power will know no bounds! I will be the most powerful force in the kingdom. (MUSIC CUE 16: “Straw Into Gold—Reprise #3.” Speaks.) North, East, South, West.(Sings.) Things are so fine,Things are divine,Shivers are running right up my spine.Things are so fine,Things are divine,
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Turning straw into gold and the child will be mine!(At end of song, he runs into the unseen room.)
End of Scene One
Music Cue 17: “Scene Change.”
ACT TWOScene Two
One year later.
AT RISE: The throne room. VOICES from OffSTAGE LEfT.
LADY MATILDA’S VOICE: Such a beautiful child.
PRIME MINISTER’S VOICE: An exceptional child.
NURSEMAID’S VOICE: He’s not a bit of trouble.
JESTER’S VOICE: He’s a prince among babies. (NURSEMAID ENTERS. She holds the infant [doll] in her arms, wrapped in a blanket. Behind NURSEMAID comes LADY MATILDA, PRIME MINISTER, JESTER—who carries a cradle or a large basket bed for the child. He places the cradle by the throne, LEFT. [NOTE: If you wish a smaller cast the WIDOW can function as the nursemaid. See PRODUCTION NOTES.] Some ribbons and perhaps a vest have been added to JESTER’S costume to suggest “a new outfit.”)
PRIME MINISTER: The plans for tomorrow’s christening are splendid. The entire court with representatives from the populace will gather here promptly at three in the afternoon.
JESTER: What are we having for refreshments?
LADY MATILDA: Quiet, fool.
JESTER: I’ve heard that before.
PRINCE TOM: (Now KING TOM, ENTERS from RIGHT.) And how is my son, the future heir to the throne, this morning?
NURSEMAID: Good as gold.
PRINCE TOM: Speaking of gold, has anyone seen my wife?
LADY MATILDA: She’s in the garden, sire. Selecting flowers for tomorrow’s christening.
PRINCE TOM: Happy day.
PRIME MINISTER: I do not wish to intrude, sire, but there are so many things we must discuss about the christening. Who stands where,
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who sits at the head of the table, who sits at the foot? Will it be soup or salad?
PRINCE TOM: Yes, yes.
PRIME MINISTER: I have made a list. It’s in the council chamber.
PRINCE TOM: I’ll be right there.
PRIME MINISTER: Thank you, sire. (Bows, EXITS LEFT. TOM steps to infant and tickles him under the chin.)
PRINCE TOM: Coo‑coo, little one. He has his mother’s eyes, but he has my chin. Take good care of him.
NURSEMAID: Never fear, sire. (PRINCE TOM EXITS.)
JESTER: (Hopping about.) I certainly hope there’ll be cake and cookies and ice cream. And jelly beans and blueberry pie.
LADY MATILDA: And I certainly hope you’ll behave yourself at the christening. You can be a lot of trouble when you want to be.
JESTER: I can be a lot of trouble when I don’t want to be. (Makes a horrible face at LADY MATILDA and sticks out his tongue.)
LADY MATILDA: That’s just the sort of thing I’m talking about.
NURSEMAID: Stop making ugly faces. You’ll frighten the child.
LAURA: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. She’s wearing a gown fit for a queen—which is only natural considering her present station. She carries a single long stem red rose.) I think it will be red roses for the christening. They’re coming into bloom and they’re so beautiful.
BOTH: (LADY MATILDA and NURSEMAID curtsy.) Your Majesty.
LAURA: (Moves to child.) Let me hold him. (NURSEMAID hands the baby to LAURA.) Has he been behaving?
NURSEMAID: Good as a sleeping lamb.
LADY MATILDA: A gentle child.
LAURA: You may all leave. I’d like to be alone with my baby.
LADY MATILDA: Yes, Your Majesty.
NURSEMAID: We understand. I’ll be outside the door in case you need me. (LADY MATILDA and NURSEMAID EXIT.)
JESTER: Tomorrow—will there be cookies and ice cream?
LAURA: Chocolate and vanilla.
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JESTER: Two kinds? Decisions, decisions. I’ll never be able to make up my mind. That means I’ll go hungry.
LAURA: Have both.
JESTER: Both? Why didn’t I think of that? Yes, both. I’ll have both. (He EXITS LEFT. MUSIC CUE 18: “I Like That Name—Reprise.” Singing softly, LAURA puts the infant into the cradle/basket and kneels beside it. As she sings she brushes the rose across the child’s face.)
LAURA: (Sings.) We chose your name, We chose the name of Michael.Sweet dreams to you, my handsome little son.I know you’ve listened,Tomorrow you’ll be christened,Hope you like the name of Michael, precious one.Hope you like the name of Michael, precious one.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (At end of song, ENTERS from RIGHT.) You call that singing? Bah. I know a turtle who snaps better than you sing. What a stupid song!
LAURA: (LAURA is both startled and scared.) It’s you.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To audience, with a face.) “It’s you.” (To LAURA.) Of course it’s me.
LAURA: But you disappeared a year ago.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Moves to her.) I had business affairs. Now I’m back and I’m fixing up my old cottage in the woods. I’ve come for what belongs to me.
LAURA: (Protectively, puts her hand over the cradle.) I—I—I don’t know what you mean.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Come, come, Queen Muttonhead. You can’t go back on a promise. Give me the child.
LAURA: No.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Insists.) Give me the child or I shall lose my temper.
LAURA: He’s to be christened tomorrow.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’re breaking my heart. Give me what you promised.
LAURA: I’ll give you all the riches of the kingdom if you will let me keep my child.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That child is more important to me than all the riches in the world. Remember—I can make all the riches. That child is mine.
LAURA: Please! Please! (She starts to sob.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: The waterworks again. (Grins.) I feel like amusing myself. Mortals are fun to tease. Very well. Let’s see... his christening’s tomorrow? I give you twenty‑four hours to guess my name.
LAURA: Your name? (Stands, impulsively speaks.) Is it Lester? Is it George? Is it Philip?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Quiet! (Steps to her in menacing fashion.) If you discover my name in time you may keep the brat. If not, I take him and that is that! Ha, ha, ha! (He skips OFF, RIGHT.) Hididdlediddle.
LAURA: (Back and forth, troubled.) His name? What can it be? Casper? Conrad? Ernest? (Stops, remembering something.) He said he was fixing up his old cottage in the woods. The woods! I must go to the woods. (She hurries OFF, LEFT to the woods. MUSIC CUE 19: “Underscore.” NOTE: The following interlude in the woods can be staged in one of three ways: 1) If you have a stage curtain, it’s drawn across and the scene is played on the FORESTAGE. 2) The action takes place in the audience aided by some special lighting. [Spots, possibly.] 3) The LIGHTS are LOWERED VERY DIMLY on the throne room, or BLACKED OUT. The action plays on the FORESTAGE which is lighted in shadowy fashion.)
THE WOODS INTERLUDE
(SOUND OF NIGHT BIRDS. GRISELDA hobbles in from DOWN RIGHT and crosses CENTER, leaning heavily on her twisted stick for support. Mumbles and cackles.)
GRISELDA: Bleat, my little goat, bleat. Cover the table with something to eat...
LAURA: (Exhausted, LAURA steps into sight, DOWN LEFT. She speaks to audience.) I’m quite out of breath. I’ve been searching for hours. Round and round in circles. The woods are such a mystery. I hear sounds but see nothing. (Notices GRISELDA, who covers her face with the folds of her sleeve.) There’s an old woman. Perhaps she’ll know something. (One step CENTER.) Excuse me, old woman.
GRISELDA: What is it, my child? Laura, isn’t it?
LAURA: (To audience.) She knows my name.
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GRISELDA: Laura, the miller’s daughter.
LAURA: I was. Now I am the queen.
GRISELDA: Queen of the kingdom. North, East, South and West. You are Queen because of the little wizard.
LAURA: (Surprised.) You know about the little wizard. Quickly, old woman, I beg you. Tell me his name.
GRISELDA: That I cannot do.
LAURA: Do you know where he lives?
GRISELDA: Patience, patience. All things come to she who waits. He may live on the hilltop. He may live in the valley. (Moves DOWN LEFT. LAURA takes a step back to let her pass.)
LAURA: Don’t go. I’m desperate. If I don’t discover the name of the wizard I will lose my child. You’re a woman. You know what it means to have a child. Won’t you help me?
GRISELDA: (Casually.) If that is what you wish.
LAURA: Yes, yes. Please. (GRISELDA lifts a bony hand and with one finger points DOWN RIGHT. LAURA looks.) Why are you pointing? I don’t see anything.
GRISELDA: Patience, patience. (Mumbling, cackling, GRISELDA EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
LAURA: Where are you going, old woman? (From OFFSTAGE, DOWN RIGHT we hear RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (OFF DOWN RIGHT.) Hididdlediddle. Who needs a fiddle? (LAURA gasps and steps back into the shadows.) Who needs a fiddle? Hididdlediddle. (He ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with a broom, sweeps.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: My cottage is nearly ready. Hi, ho. (Chants as he sweeps.) “Today I bake, tomorrow I brew. Soon, soon, I’ll have the young queen’s child. Ha! Glad am I that no one knew that RUMPELSTILTSKIN I am styled.”
LAURA: (Stage whisper.) Rumpelstiltskin. (She runs OFF, LEFT. RUMPELSTILTSKIN doesn’t realize he’s been overheard. Continues to sweep as he moves OFFSTAGE, DOWN RIGHT.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Power, power. That’s what I’ll have. Power. Wait till the puny mortals get a load of me. Hee, hee. “Glad am I that no one knew that RUMPELSTILTSKIN I am styled!” (He’s OUT.)
END Of “THE WOODS” INTERLUDE
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(Stage curtain opens, or the LIGHTS COME UP FULL on throne room. MUSIC CUE 20: “Fanfare & Processional.” The christening PROCESSION ENTERS. First IN is the PRIME MINISTER, looking pompous. He holds a long staff. He is followed by CITIZENS [KATHERINE, CHARLOTTE, WIDOW, APPLE SELLER, CUSTOMER.] They are followed by the COURT MEMBERS [LADY MATILDA, HUNTSMAN, JESTER, QUEEN MOTHER, NURSEMAID, etc.] Last in will be PRINCE TOM with LAURA. He guides her to the throne chair and she sits. CITIZENS stand RIGHT of the chair, COURT MEMBERS group themselves LEFT. As the procession ENTERS, PRIME MINISTER moves CENTER, speaking as he crosses. [NOTE: With the exception of RUMPELSTILTSKIN and GRISELDA, the ENTIRE CAST is ONSTAGE at this point. To “brighten up” the scene, some might carry in flags or banners.] NURSEMAID kneels beside the cradle, checks the infant [doll], rocks the cradle gently. PRIME MINISTER slams staff to floor three times, clears his throat, proclaims.)
PRIME MINISTER: People of the kingdom, this is, indeed, a great day. We have an heir to the throne. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE.)
PRINCE TOM: (To LAURA.) My dear Laura, you may not have been born a queen but you certainly have become one. (She smiles.) Your subjects like to see you smile. And so do I.
LAURA: I am feeling very happy today.
PRIME MINISTER: Naturally, Your Majesty. Because of the christening.
LAURA: Among other things.
PRINCE TOM: (Understands.) You mean— (LAURA nods.) The little wizard you told us about? (Another nod from LAURA.) But he isn’t here.
LAURA: He will be. You’ll see.
PRIME MINISTER: (Steps aside.) Shall we commence with the christening?
NURSEMAID: (Stands.) Shall I take the child from his crib?
JESTER: What are we waiting for?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, RIGHT.) Time’s almost up! Where’s the child?!
LAURA: (Answering JESTER’S question as she indicates RIGHT.) We are waiting for—that. (IN pops RUMPELSTILTSKIN, absolutely fearless. He’s not the least bit intimidated by the court. He is not wearing the magical medallion.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To LAURA.) Time’s almost up. Time’s almost up. Time’s almost up. (ONLOOKERS are fascinated by the little wizard.)
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LADY MATILDA: How weird he is.
CHARLOTTE: Look at his eyes. Like the eyes of a crafty fox.
KATHERINE: He scares me.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Struts about.) Take a good look, mortals. I’m going to be around for a long time. And you’re going to do exactly as I say. (Taunting.) But I don’t think you’re going to like it.
ONLOOKERS: (Ad lib.) What?What’s he talking about?What’s he mean?He’s not the king!What a nasty little man!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Cease! (ALL cringe. Take a step away from him. LAURA, however, isn’t afraid.)
JESTER: I recognize that voice. He’s the one who kicked me in the forest.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I didn’t kick you in the forest. I kicked you in the seat of your pants. fool. (Jumps to chair.) Now, Mistress Miller’s Daughter, the child.
LAURA: But I haven’t guessed your name.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And you never will.
PRINCE TOM: The queen is clever.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: But not as clever as I am.
LAURA: Let me think. (Pause.) Is your name Cowribs?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Bah.
LAURA: Is it Spiderlegs?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Bah.
LAURA: Is it Mildew?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Bah. (Angry, RUMPELSTILTSKIN folds his arms and stamps his foot.)
LAURA: Is it Walter?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.
PRINCE TOM: Is it Spindleshanks?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Getting more and more angry.) No.
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APPLE SELLER: Is it Barnaby?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.
CUSTOMER Is it Sherlock?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.
LADY MATILDA: Is it Siegfried?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.
JESTER: Is it Pee‑wee?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.
OTHERS: Elmer? Vincent? Wilbur? fletcher? Angus? (RUMPELSTILTSKIN can stand no more. He explodes in a rage.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Shut up, all of you! Mortals, bah. (Steps close to LAURA. He’s become quite vicious.) Three guesses and no more. If you haven’t guessed my name in three guesses, the child goes with me. Hee, hee, hee. (He takes a step away. MUSIC CUE 21: “What is Your Name?”)
LAURA: (Sings.) What is your name?I only have three chances.How can I win this hopeless guessing game?Perhaps it’s Daniel,Or possibly Nathaniel,No, I think that Rumpelstiltskin is your name!Yes, I know that Rumpelstiltskin is your name!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (At end of song, goes into a furious rage, hops about, stomping here and there.) No! No! No! It cannot be. Someone has told you! I won’t stand for it! No, no, no! Rats! Rats! Rats! No, no, no! (ONLOOKERS begin to laugh at the infuriated little wizard—which only provokes him further.) Don’t laugh at me! How dare you laugh at me! Stop laughing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! (GRISELDA moves in swiftly from RIGHT. She’s stronger than we’ve ever seen her. She grabs RUMPELSTILTSKIN by the ear.)
GRISELDA: Here, now, angry little man. Enough of that. You have not succeeded and you must pay the forfeit.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Calms down.) Our bargain. I’d forgotten about that. (Worried.) What is the forfeit?
GRISELDA: from this day forth you will be my servant.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Servant!
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GRISELDA: You will fetch and carry. Scrub and wash. Cook and mend. Sweep and dust. You will be my eyes and ears.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No! No! No! I won’t do it.
GRISELDA: Yes, yes, yes, you will. (GRISELDA pulls him OFFSTAGE RIGHT by his ear. He continues to protest.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I won’t do it. No, I won’t. No! No! No!
GRISELDA: You have lost your powers.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No! No! No!
PRINCE TOM: What a temper. One of these days he’ll explode. (OPTIONAL BUSINESS: ALL look RIGHT as RUMPELSTILTSKIN continues to protest: “No! No! No!” CAST yells “BOOM!” as a sign reading “BOOM” is held out from the wings, DOWN RIGHT. Sign is quickly withdrawn. If OPTIONAL BUSINESS is not used, simply continue with the dialogue.)
LAURA: (Stands.) The threat to the kingdom is over. Rumpelstiltskin will trouble us no further.
PRIME MINISTER: On with the christening. (NURSEMAID takes the infant from the cradle.)
PRINCE TOM: (To LAURA.) Laura, you may be a miller’s daughter, but I couldn’t find a richer wife in the whole world.
PRIME MINISTER: Long live King Tom!
OTHERS: Hooray!
PRIME MINISTER: Long live Queen Laura!
OTHERS: Hooray!
PRIME MINISTER: Long live the new prince! (MUSIC CUE 22: “A Happy Ending.”)
OTHERS: Hooray! (PRINCE TOM and LAURA stand hand in hand. They look to the baby in the NURSEMAID’s arms.)
ALL: (Sing.) Long live the king and long live the queen.We’ll have a celebration like you have never seen.Spinning wheels are out the door with all of the straw.No more a threat from poor old Rumpelstiltskin.Our fairy tale is over, you see,It had a happy ending, the way it ought to be.Happ’ly ever after is the way it is done.Long life to ev’ryone.
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Long live the king and long live the queen.We’ll have a celebration like you have never seen.Spinning wheels are out the door with all of the straw.No more a threat from poor old Rumpelstiltskin.Our fairy tale is over you see,It had a happy ending, the way it ought to be.Happ’ly ever after is the way it is done.Long life to ev’ryone!Long life to ev’ryone!
END Of PLAY
MUSIC CUE 23: “Bows/Exit Music.”
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production notes
STAGE PROPERTIES
The woods: Cut‑out trees and rock. foliage. Wooden bench, log or tree stump.
Palace: Large chair [throne chair], stool or small bench.
ACT ONE
BROUGHT ON: Scene One: Baskets (CHARLOTTE, KATHERINE); bow, quiver of arrows, cap (HUNTSMAN); medallion on chain (RUMPELSTILTSKIN); twisted walking stick (GRISELDA).
BROUGHT ON: Scene Two: Sign with pointing arrow reading: THIS WAY TO THE MILL (WIDOW); necklace, ring (LAURA); needle with a bit of thread (WIDOW); basket of apples (APPLE SELLER); copper coin (PRINCE TOM); jester’s stick of ribbons and bells (JESTER); bow (QUEEN); hanky (LADY MATILDA); scroll (PRIME MINISTER); three gold coins (RUMPELSTILTSKIN); sack (CUSTOMER).
ACT TWO
BROUGHT ON: Scene One: Writing pad and quill (LADY MATILDA); gold coins (several—tossed from unseen room); egg timer (PRIME MINISTER); handfuls of straw (COURT MEMBERS); baskets with straw (COURT MEMBERS—LADY MATILDA, HUNTSMAN, JESTER).
BROUGHT ON: Scene Two: Doll in blanket (NURSEMAID); cradle or baby bed (JESTER); new ribbons on costume (JESTER); rose (LAURA); broom (RUMPELSTILTSKIN); staff (PRIME MINISTER); optional flag or court banner (GUESTS).
LIGHTS
In ACT ONE, Scene One, the woods should look as “spooky” as possible. Blue or green lighting will give a mysterious effect. However, the scene has to allow enough lighting so the characters will be clearly visible to the audience. Don’t play it too dark. This is also true for the “interlude” scene of ACT TWO.
MISCELLANEOUS
fLEXIBLE CASTING: Adjust to fit your requirements. for example, the play can be performed almost all female. Some roles like APPLE SELLER, CUSTOMER and JESTER can be male or female. Some of the characters from ACT ONE (CHARLOTTE, KATHERINE, APPLE SELLER, CUSTOMER) might portray COURT PEOPLE in ACT TWO. Instead of the HUNTSMAN
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being used in ACT TWO you might use a HERALD as an additional character. for a smaller cast, WIDOW could also portray the NURSEMAID, etc.
SPINNING WHEEL: As written, one isn’t required but it does make a nice prop. JESTER could carry it across the stage and into the unseen room. Since the play has a cartoon quality to it, even a spinning wheel painted on a large piece of cardboard or braced scenery fabric will work.
COSTUMES: This will depend on your resources. There’s considerable leeway since the period is storybook “once upon a time.” The court characters (QUEEN, PRINCE TOM, LADY MATILDA, PRIME MINISTER.) should be well‑dressed and the JESTER should have a colorful costume. The “peasants” should wear simple clothing. In the last scene of the play LAURA is now the Queen—so she should be dressed in royal fashion.
ABOUT THE SETTINGS: Very little is required. Some cut‑out trees, bench, for ACT ONE and [throne] chair for ACT TWO. Don’t be afraid to “dress up” the stage if you wish. for example, a painted backdrop of the countryside. The throne chair might be raised on a small platform and we might see some flags or pennants for the palace.
THE GOLD COINS: Quarters, fifty‑cent pieces, silver dollars will work nicely. Painted gold color, of course. Poker chips will also work. If you want the coins large—use the circular tops from tin cans.
ABOUT RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Ideally the actor in this role should be short, but if you wish to use an actor who isn’t short, simply cut all “little” references and stress the fact RUMPELSTILTSKIN is one nasty dude.
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