Book by Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus

Music by Dennis Poore

Lyrics by Flip Kobler

© Copyright 2009, under the title of “Mirror Image,”

by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwrights and composer/arranger3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

The mirror frame can be a decorated fl at or ornamental full-size mirror with a hole or notch cut near the top for the actor’s face. Paint the actor’s face to match the gilding of the mirror. In the musical’s fi nal scene, the MIRROR’S clothing can match the makeup when the character emerges from the mirror frame.

FOR A SIMPLER PRODUCTIONTo streamline your production, you may burn a customized production CD eliminating the incidental music you are not using. Also, you may choose to not perform the more complicated back-up vocals in various songs. Make the musical your own with whatever tricks you have up your creative sleeve!

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BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

Book by FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUSMusic by DENNIS POORE

Lyrics by FLIP KOBLER

CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines

FAIRY-TALE CASTWOODSMAN .............................wants to be a hero 131CINDERELLA .............................in love with the prince 36MAGDA .....................................Cinderella’s wicked stepsister 63PETRA ......................................her other wicked stepsister; 52

not quite as mean as MagdaROSAMOND ..............................the sleeping beauty 27PRINCE CHARMING ...................in love with Cinderella 17LITTLE RED ...............................the one with the riding hood 27GOLDILOCKS ............................picky porridge-eater 4SNOW WHITE ............................the fairest of them all 10HANSEL ....................................not a crummy guy 6JACK HORNER ...........................gives fruit a thumbs up 3GRETEL ....................................has a thing for gingerbread 8RUMPELSTILTSKIN ....................say his name, say his name 6RAPUNZEL ................................has lots of hair 22JILL ..........................................Jack’s non-truant sister 5MARY MARY ..............................quite contrary 4GABLE ......................................headmaster of fairy-tale school 59MIRROR ....................................punished for crossing over into 17

realityOPTIONAL CHORUS ...................for example, MARY and her

lamb, PINNOCHIO, GEPPETO,BO PEEP, TOM THUMB, PIED PIPER, other PRINCES, VILLAINS, etc.

REALITY CASTDANICA.....................................hard-core realist running for 117

class presidentGLORIA .....................................shy, awkward candidate for 21

class presidentSADIE .......................................mean girl 43

BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine:Tissues (OPAL)

ONSTAGE, Scene Ten: High school hallway set.ONSTAGE, Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene Eleven:

Pail (JILL)Fruits stuck on his fi ngers (JACK HORNER)Finger bandages (ROSAMOND)Apple (SNOW WHITE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Twelve: Janitor’s closet door frame.ONSTAGE, Scene Thirteen: High school dance decorations including

banners, streamers, balloons, disco ball.BROUGHT ON, Scene Thirteen:

Hairpin (MAGDA)Sword, vial of antidote (ROSAMOND)

ONSTAGE, Scene Fourteen: One platform that fi lls the entire stage.BROUGHT ON, Scene Fourteen:

Stack of index cards (GLORIA)Mop and bucket (MAGDA)

SOUND EFFECTSFrying pan bonk, clock-tower chimes striking midnight. Since these sound effects are best performed live, most are not included on the CD. In the song, “Sky is Falling,” however, there are various sound effects included on the recording: slide whistle, crash, echoing voice, wolf whistle, pig snort, paper ripping, insane giggle, toilet fl ushing, cartoony slipping sound, cartoony “woogity” sound. If you’re not using the recording, all of these sound effects are optional.

COSTUMESThe REALITY CAST should be clad in typical modern-day dress appropriate to each character’s role. Dress the FAIRY-TALE CAST according to the traditional tales. WOODSMAN carries a small hatchet in his belt. In Scene Five, MAGDA and PETRA are dressed in modern, stylish clothes, including sunglasses. MAGDA now sports a stylish tiara. In Scene Eight, LITTLE RED needs to be wearing bandages and walking with crutches. Later in Scene Eleven, ROSAMOND should have bandages around her fi ngers. In Scene Thirteen, CINDERELLA, LITTLE RED and ROSAMOND are dressed more modernly, having broken the bonds of their traditional roles.

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MERCY .....................................head of the department of 9redundancy department

CLEMENCY ...............................annoyed by Mercy 12BULL ........................................mean dude 20HAP ..........................................Bull’s crony 13SLIM ........................................another crony 13IRVING......................................another, but thinks for himself 22TAG ..........................................student graffi ti artist 4SPATTER ...................................student fi ne artist 2RANDY .....................................snarky student art critic 3MELVIN .....................................nerd 6STAN ........................................his nerd buddy 4OPAL ........................................his other nerd buddy 3SHRIEK ....................................everything freaks him out 4TERRY ......................................detention detainee 8TJ.............................................Terry’s cohort 4PRINCIPAL LEWIS ......................wants students to like him but 23

his style repels themOPTIONAL CHORUS ...................as DETENTION DETAINEES,

MEAN GIRLS, NERDS, CHEERLEADERS, JOCKS, etc.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGSeveral characters can be played male or female, including MIRROR, RUMPELSTILTSKIN, GABLE, TERRY, TJ, TAG, SPATTER, RANDY, MELVIN, STAN, OPAL and PRINCIPAL LEWIS.

SET DESCRIPTIONThe set represents two different worlds: fairy-tale land and reality at Validity High School. While our story bounces back and forth between the two, set changes are a snap if you have a distinct backdrop for each.

The fairy-tale classroom set has old-fashioned chairs or benches CENTER STAGE to represent a classroom. The headmaster’s offi ce can be represented EXTREME DOWN RIGHT with a desk and chair, three more chairs and a large mirror frame (see costuming production notes).

The reality set for Validity High School shows the main hallway CENTER STAGE, represented by a set of lockers and a sign that reads “SENIOR DANCE TONIGHT.” The high school principal’s offi ce can be depicted EXTREME DOWN LEFT with a desk and two chairs. Another hallway leading to the janitor’s closet is played before the curtain and only requires a self-standing door frame with a door labeled “JANITOR.”

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE, Scene One: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Triangle (GABLE)Pencil (WOODSMAN)Plum (JACK HORNER)Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS)Hand mirror (PRINCE)Extra books (CINDERELLA)Class register (GABLE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce set, rag, frying pan, chalk, personal chalkboards, three dunce caps.

ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Janitor’s closet door frame, high school hallway set, trash can.

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Yu-gi-oh cards, tissues (STAN, MELVIN)Can of spray paint (TAG)Books, notebooks, backpacks (REALITY CAST)Stack of index cards (GLORIA)

ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce set.ONSTAGE, Scene Five: High school hallway set, ballot box on table,

board game.BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:

Ballot forms (SADIE, DANICA)ONSTAGE, Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene Six:

Triangle (GABLE)Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS)Pencil (RUMPELSTILTSKIN)

ONSTAGE, Scene Seven: High school hallway set (with hatchet in locker).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven:Ballot forms (DANICA)

ONSTAGE, Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight:

Triangle (GABLE)Crutches, head bandage (LITTLE RED)

ONSTAGE, Scene Nine: High school detention room with desks, chairs.

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A platform UPSTAGE can be used throughout the play to add visual variety. For instance, with the addition of chairs and tables or desks, it can become the high school detention hall. For the high school dance scene, the platform might be decorated with streamers, a disco ball, etc.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENESScene One: Classroom in fairy-tale land, once upon a time.Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce in fairy-tale land, after school that day.Scene Three: High school hallway near the janitor’s closet in reality

(played in front of the curtain), one Friday morning.Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce in fairy-tale land, the same day.Scene Five: High school hallway, still that Friday.Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom, a couple days later as fairy-tale time

goes.Scene Seven: High school hallway, later that Friday.Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom, another new day.Scene Nine: High school detention room, still Friday afternoon.Scene Ten: High school hallway, the same.Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom, later that day.Scene Twelve: High school hallway near the janitor’s closet (played in

front of the curtain), later Friday.Scene Thirteen: High school dance, Friday night.Scene Fourteen: Near the janitor’s closet in reality; then a split stage

showing both the fairy-tale classroom and the high school hallway.

Best of both worlds. (Now WOODSMAN REAPPEARS, right behind DANICA, in her world.)

WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) Hi.DANICA: (Turns and sees him.) You’re here! (He opens his arms and she

hugs him, then looks into his eyes. Speaks.) My hero.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) Best of both worlds! (LIGHTS FADE, CURTAIN.)

END OF MUSICALMUSIC CUE 6a: “Curtain Call/Exit Music.”

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

TRACK MC SONG TITLE SINGERS PAGE

1 MC 1 Happily Ever After Fairy -Tale Cast 12 MC 1a Rosamond 1 Instrumental 23 MC 1b Rosamond 2 Instrumental 44 MC 1c Hero’s Fanfare Instrumental 55 MC 1d Mirror Awakes Instrumental 66 MC 1e The Portal Opens Instrumental 7

7 MC 2 Another Day in High School Reality Cast 7

8 MC 2a Scene Change Music Instrumental 129 MC 2b Enter the Mean Queens Instrumental 14

10 MC 3 Queen of Mean Magda, Petra, Sadie, her Gang 15

11 MC 3a Danica/Woodsman Connection 1 Instrumental 17

12 MC 3b Danica/Woodsman Connection 2 Instrumental 18

13 MC 3c Scene Change Music Instrumental 1814 MC 3d Rosamond 3 Instrumental 1915 MC 3e Scene Change Music Instrumental 19

16 MC 4 Save the DayWoodsman, Danica, Terry, Reality Chorus

20

17 MC 4a Danica/Woodsman Connection 3 Instrumental 22

18 MC 4b Scene Change Music Instrumental 2319 MC 4c Scene Change Music Instrumental 2420 MC 4d Freedom Rises Instrumental 2521 MC 4e Scene Change Music Instrumental 26

22 MC 4f The Chase (and Portal Opens) Instrumental 28

23 MC 4g Scene Change Music Instrumental 2824 MC 4h Rosamond 4 Instrumental 2925 MC 5 Sky Is Falling Fairy -Tale Cast 2926 MC 5a Scene Change Music Instrumental 3327 SFX Dance Music Instrumental 3328 MC 5b Danica’s Plea Instrumental 3429 MC 5c Scene Change Music Instrumental 36

30 MC 5d The Exit (and Portal Opens) Instrumental 38

31 MC 5e The Mirror is Free Instrumental 3932 MC 6 Best of Both Worlds Ensemble 41

33 MC 6a Curtain Call/Exit Music Instrumental 43

BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds…FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)

…where the old fables become mysteries.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds…REALITY CAST: (Sings.) Where the cold hard truth fi nds fantasy.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) We tell our own tales.

We can taste the great unknown.REALITY CAST: (Sings.) We can fi nd our own grails.

There’s more to this life than we’ve ever been shown.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) Best of both worlds. (Now here’s a cool thing

if you happen to be using EXTRAS in the reality cast. GROUPS from both worlds occupy the same stage space. So the REALITY CHEERLEADERS are grouped with the PRINCESSES. The REALITY JOCKS share the same stage area as the PRINCES. The VILLAINS from both worlds all together. Life isn’t so far off from make-believe.)

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)The world is turning, we’re fi nally learningA plot twist with every page.

PETRA: (Sings.) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-oh.REALITY CAST: (Sings.)

The clouds are leaving ’cause we’re believingThis world is only a cage.There’s another place beyond our viewWhere rainbows never fade.

TERRY: (Sings) Oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The rules that we’ve been shackled to

Are just the ones that we have made. (During this, WOODSMAN fades OFFSTAGE.)

BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds!REALITY CAST: (Sings.)

Where we’re not too old for make-believe.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The story’s what we choose to weave.

You can fi nd true romance,Find out who you really are.

REALITY CAST: (Sings.) If you can take a chance,It’s straight on till mornin’ from that second star.

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Best of both…BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) …worlds.

Best of both worlds.Best of both worlds.

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BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

Scene OneWe open in a fairy-tale classroom. Our favorite fairy-tale characters are doing fairy-tale things. MUSIC CUE 1: “Happily Ever After.”FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Once upon a time every morning,

That’s just the fairy-tale way…CINDERELLA: (Sings.) Our godmothers grant all our wishes.ROSAMOND: (Sings.) Forest creatures help with the dishes.GIRLS: (Sing.) Princes come to us someday. (RAPUNZEL sighs.)FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Today is just like tomorrow,

The same as each yesterday.PRINCE: (Sings.) Where a prince is ever so charming. (RAPUNZEL

giggles.)GUYS: (Sing.) And the death rate’s oh so alarming.RAPUNZEL: (Squeals.) Oooh.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s all make-believe anyway.

Every day is full of adventure,A journey into the known.We already know how it will end.Even when hope’s growing much dimmer,The brothers’ tale is turning much grimmer,It’s happily ever after once again!Each day is better than perfect,Here straw gets spun into gold.

CINDERELLA: (Sings.) Marriage vows are made with glass slippers.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Emperors are turned into strippers.RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Yuck.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s just how the tale unfolds.

Every day is full of adventure,A journey into the known.

SOLOISTS: (Sing.) Into the known.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) We already know how it will end.SOLOISTS: (Sing.) Know how it will end.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Everybody knows what their niche is…

Heroes, villains or evil witchesFind happily ever after once again.

PRINCE: (Sings.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.)Our world is full of music. Ahhhh ahh ahhOur dreams can take you higher. Ahhhh ahh ahh

STAN: There he is! (BULL goes running OFF. STAN and MELVIN give chase.)

MELVIN: Bullll! Lord Kaiba has to stand and fi ght the wizards of Gorlack. Come back!

STAN: Yeah, guy. Be fun!BULL: (RE-ENTERS and races OFF the other direction with the NERDS

in pursuit.) Nosebleed! (DANICA and GLORIA cross to IRVING, who has ENTERS with HAP and SLIM, now his henchmen, on his heels. Meanwhile, PRINCE crosses to CINDERELLA. The tables have turned for PRINCE.)

PRINCE: I could have gone into reality. I could’ve been a hero. And I’m charming. So what’s the deal?

CINDERELLA: It’s not you. It’s me. (Pats his shoulder and walks away just as PETRA crosses to her.)

PETRA: Irving. Don’t you think that’s a hero’s name? Irving the Invincible. Or Irving the Incredible.

MAGDA: (ENTERS with a mop and bucket.) How about Irving the Ignoramus?

PETRA: (Wheels on her.) What are you doing? Did you fi nish cleaning the bathroom? I want to see myself in that chamber pot.

MAGDA: I’m not your slave. You can’t make me—ahh! (Runs OFF, chased by PETRA.)

CINDERELLA: Classic. (They recede while IRVING, DANICA and GLORIA cross.)

DANICA: The fi rst draft was pretty good.HAP: Yeah.SLIM: Yeah.IRVING: You don’t have to like everything I do. I want your real opinion.HAP: Loved it.SLIM: Loved it.IRVING: Ach. Is that what you really think? Or are you just trying to

please me?GLORIA: I thought it was a great story.SLIM: Great.HAP: Awesome.IRVING: Stop that!DANICA: Except for the ending.IRVING: See? Thank you. An honest answer—wait. What’s wrong with

the ending? ’Cause I can rewrite it. Spice it up a bit. What do you think?

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PRINCE/CINDERELLA: (Sing.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.)Our sweetness can make you sick Ahhhhhh ahWhen you hear the choir. Ahhhhhh

LITTLE RED: (Sings.) Ahh ahhhhhhhh! (FAIRY-TALE CAST splits into two groups.)

GROUP 1: (Sings.) Every day is full of adventure,A journey we’ve taken before.

GROUP 2: (Sings.) We’ve done before.GROUP 1: (Sings.) There’s no way the story can amend.GROUP 2: (Sings.) Can amend.GROUP 1: (Sings.) GROUP 2: (Sings.)

When evil queens become eviler, Ooooh.’Long as you remain a believer,

ALL: (Sing.) It’s happily ever after once again.Happily ever after once again. (Song ends with GABLE ringing one of those old-fashioned triangles. It’s a fairy-tale school bell. STUDENTS scatter and begin to pull books from old-fashioned knapsacks on sticks or from belts that hold them together. WOODSMAN is alone at the back of the room, a hatchet slung through his belt. CINDERELLA is carrying a heavy load of books. PRINCE admires himself in a hand mirror.)

GOLDILOCKS: (Sits in a chair.) This chair is too hard. (Tries another chair.) This chair is too soft. (Finds another.) Ahhhh, just right.

MAGDA: (Moves CENTER with PETRA and CINDERELLA.) Cinderella, where are my books?

CINDERELLA: I have them right here, Magdalena. (Gives her the books. Pause.) You are most kindly welcome.

PETRA: What now?CINDERELLA: Oh, I noticed Magda must’ve forgotten to thank me, but

I wanted her to know she is mostly kindly welcome. (Starts to settle into a chair.)

MAGDA: And what do you think you are doing, pray?CINDERELLA: Just getting ready for class.PETRA: This section is for the fairest of them all. The scullery section

is yonder.MAGDA: Scull! Scull, scull, scull. (Dejectedly, CINDERELLA goes to the

far side of class while MAGDA and PETRA fl ank GOLDILOCKS. They literally throw GOLDILOCKS out of the chair and MAGDA sits.)

ROSAMOND: (Comes fl itting over into the room. MUSIC CUE 1a: “Rosamond 1.”) Oh, isn’t it a beautiful day. A most perfect day. The

GLORIA: But I’m nobody.DANICA: Nobody’s nobody.GLORIA: I need it written down. I need to know what’s supposed to

happen next. I can’t just make stuff up.DANICA: Sure you can.GLORIA: But that’s not real.DANICA: You’d be surprised. It’s just imagination. Believe and let the

story unfold.GLORIA: (Closes her eyes and tries.) My fellow students. Today is the

dawn… (Her voice fades as GABLE’S rises. DANICA nods, pleased. LIGHTS FADE on the TWO GIRLS and come up on the other half of the stage. [At some point during the following dialogue, REALITY HIGH SCHOOLERS ENTER in the darkness.] WOODSMAN is standing UP CENTER also on the platform. GABLE is beside him. The FAIRY-TALE CHARACTERS are standing beneath, GABLE is in mid-speech.)

GABLE: …of a new day. Oh, my goodness. And what a new day. Mirror? (MIRROR is rolled out. GABLE turns to WOODSMAN.) Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, you can have anything. Your own story. Anything.

WOODSMAN: This IS my wish.GABLE: Very well, then. (Looks at MIRROR.) Mirror, you’re free. (LIGHTS

FLASH. MUSIC CUE 5e: “The Mirror is Free.”)MIRROR: (Steps out of the mirror frame. To WOODSMAN.) I’m free. I’m

free! This is me. I’ve got legs. I can jump. Oh, feet. I can run! (Does, turning sharp and running right into the frame of the mirror, knocking himself cold. He hits the fl oor, prone.)

GABLE: Not very well, evidently. Oh, goodness me.ROSAMOND: Three cheers for Finn!FAIRY-TALE CAST: Hip hip…. (Now LIGHTS COME UP on the other side

of the stage and the HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS complete the cheer. Both sides of the stage are partying down. The HIGH SCHOOLERS for the new high school president, the FAIRY TALERS for their new heroes.)

ENSEMBLE: …Hooray! (The two scenes go on simultaneously, neither aware of the other.)

BULL: (Runs over and grabs GLORIA, pleading.) You can’t do this to me.GLORIA: Actually, I can. Article 17, paragraph four. Class presidents

can proclaim punishment on fellow students.BULL: I don’t want to do this. Expel me. Beat me. Stick needles in my

eyes. Anything but this.

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air is sweet, the birds are chirping and all the forest animals have helped me with all my chores.

GABLE: Good morning, glories.STUDENTS: Good morning, Headmaster.GABLE: Everyone, please take your seats. (They do.) Welcome to a

brand-new school year. (STUDENTS cheer.) I’m sure that this year will be just like last year.

GABLE/THE CLASS: And the year before. And the year before.RAPUNZEL: (Raises her hand.) Ooh. Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: And the year before?GABLE: Of course. Okay, my little sitting ducks, time to take roll. (Reads

from the class register.) Let’s start with our princesses.RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: Yay.GABLE: Yay, indeed. Okay, Rapunzel is present. Rosamond?ROSAMOND: Here.GABLE: Snow White?SNOW WHITE: Here.GABLE: Very good. Moving on to heroes. Prince Charming?PRINCE: Here. I like your hair that way.GABLE: Thank you. Hansel?HANSEL: Guten tag.GABLE: Jack Horner?JACK HORNER: Yo. (Gives a thumbs up with a plum stuck on his thumb.)GABLE: Let’s see about our ingénues. Gretel?GRETEL: Here.GABLE: Jill?JILL: Here.GABLE: Where’s your brother?JILL: He had to see a man about a pail.GABLE: Mary Mary Quite Contrary?MARY MARY: No I’m not.GABLE: Goldilocks?GOLDILOCKS: Here. No, that’s too common. Present. No, that’s too

impersonal. Hello. Yes, that’s just right.GABLE: Little Red?

DANICA: Even if you go, no one will know. Nobody will ever even know who or what you are.

IRVING: Yes, they will. I’ll write it. I’ll write your story.WOODSMAN: You?IRVING: Hey, I might not be the Grimms or Hans Christian Andersen,

but I have a way with words and there’s always the Internet. (BONG.)ROSAMOND: Woodsman.DANICA: That’s not his name.ROSAMOND: He has none.DANICA: He does in this story, sister. (BONG.) Finn. It’s Gaelic. It

means hero. (They look into each other’s eyes and touch hands. BONG.)

ROSAMOND: Finn. (Reluctantly our hero backs away, still holding DANICA’S hand. Their fi ngers still reach for each other even after the break. BONG. Then ROSAMOND and WOODSMAN step through the door. IRVING EXITS. MUSIC CUE 5d: “The Exit.” LIGHTS FLASH. LIGHTS FADE, leaving DANICA alone ONSTAGE in her own little POOL OF LIGHT, which FADES OUT. The stage clears in the blackness and DANICA slips through the curtain to make a quick and simple costume change (perhaps removing a layer). A SMALL POOL OF LIGHT SLOWLY RISES along with the CURTAIN, signaling a new day. DANICA is now UP CENTER. The STAGE is bare except for a platform UP CENTER, which DANICA is standing on. GLORIA ENTERS. She’s dressed in her everyday clothes. She’s fumbling with her ever-present index cards.)

GLORIA: Hey… ummmmm… (Reads from her cards.) Exciting, yesterday was.

DANICA: Yeah, Yoda, it was.GLORIA: Sorry, I got my cards mixed up. (Shuffl es madly.) Yesterday

was… exciting. Thanks for getting me elected.DANICA: I think you’re going to be great.GLORIA: Will you help?DANICA: (Liking that.) I could maybe throw out the odd suggestion.GLORIA: No, I have lots of those. I need some GOOD suggestions.

(SHRIEK comes rushing ONSTAGE toward them. The GIRLS FREEZE, afraid he might scream again.)

SHRIEK: I am deeply pleased at the unexpected results of this election. (Walks OFF. The GIRLS do a double take.)

DANICA: Okay, let me hear your acceptance speech. (GLORIA rifl es through the cards, trying to put them in order.) No, no, forget the cards. Just be yourself.

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LITTLE RED: (Loud.) My, what a big “here” I’m saying.GABLE: Cinderella?CINDERELLA: Here.MAGDA: (Coughs into her fi st.) Snob.PETRA: (Coughs, too.) Stuck up.GABLE: Enough, ladies. Moving on to villains. Rumpelstiltskin?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How’d you know my name? Who told you?GABLE: Wicked stepsisters?MAGDA: Excuse me. It’s Magda.PETRA: And Petrazula. Thank you.GABLE: Thank you. Okay, incidental characters. Woodsman?

Woodsman? (No answer. Spots him in the back of the room.) Woodsman. Why didn’t you answer?

WOODSMAN: I’m sorry. I was just thinking. Why don’t I have a name?GABLE: You do. Woodsman.WOODSMAN: No, that’s what I do. It’s not a name.GABLE: We all know you as Woodsman. We have for years. Last year.

The year before.RAPUNZEL: Ooh. Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: And the year before?GABLE: You see?WOODSMAN: But why am I just Woodsman? Everyone else has a

name. Goldilocks. Rapunzel. Even the Sleeping Beauty is called Rosamond. (MUSIC CUE 1b: “Rosamond 2.”)

ROSAMOND: Oh, that’s awfully kind of you about the beauty part. But I’m not sure about the sleeping. I don’t sleep that much.

WOODSMAN: (Holds out his pencil.) Is my pencil sharp?ROSAMOND: Well let’s s— (Touches the point with her fi nger. Boom! She

instantly falls asleep, dropping to the fl oor like a sack of potatoes.)WOODSMAN: She pricks her fi nger on anything and she’s narcoleptic.

But even she has a name.GABLE: Well, we all have a place here. That’s what makes our world so

wonderful. Everybody knows his or her place within the great story.WOODSMAN: What if I want to change it? (ALL gasp in shock. This is

the worst form of blasphemy.)GABLE: Listen to me, Woodsman—WOODSMAN: That’s not a name.

Scene FourteenOutside the janitor’s closet in reality, in front of the curtain again. SOUND EFFECT: CLOCK STRIKING MIDNIGHT as CINDERELLA, LITTLE RED, ROSAMOND, WOODSMAN, PETRA, MAGDA, IRVING and DANICA ENTER.CINDERELLA: Midnight. We have to go. See you at home. (Drags

MAGDA OUT through the door. BONG.)LITTLE RED: We have to go.PETRA: No. We have plenty of time.ROSAMOND: No.PETRA: (To IRVING.) I’m sorry. I didn’t know. (BONG.)IRVING: Yeah, me either.PETRA: I wish…IRVING: Me too.LITTLE RED: My, what a big shame it is. Let’s go. (BONG. She and

PETRA step OUT through the door, leaving ROSAMOND, IRVING, DANICA and WOODSMAN ONSTAGE.)

WOODSMAN: Well, I guess this is good-bye.DANICA: I guess.WOODSMAN: I think you’re… I think… well, anyway. (Turns for the door.

BONG. Just before he vanishes.)DANICA: Don’t go.WOODSMAN: What?DANICA: Stay. Here. With me.WOODSMAN: Really?DANICA: Yes.WOODSMAN: Is that what you want?DANICA: More than anything ever.ROSAMOND: Woodsman, you can’t. (BONG.)DANICA: Yes, he can.ROSAMOND: No.DANICA: I’ve seen what they think of you over there. Here you’re not

an incidental. Here you can be whatever you want. Stay. Please. (BONG. WOODSMAN scoops her up and swings her around.)

ROSAMOND: You can’t stay. Our world will be destroyed without you. You DO have a place in the story. Please… come.

DANICA: Please stay. (BONG. It’s a tense moment for him, then he pulls out of the hug with DANICA and looks her in the eyes.)

WOODSMAN: I’d give up everything that’s mine to stay. But I can’t give up everything that’s theirs. I have to go. (BONG.)

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GABLE: —everyone has a place in the story. Why, you have several. Don’t you help out Little Red? And you take Snow White into the forest? And Hansel and Gretel? You chop wood for Rosamond. How many stories do you need, boy?

WOODSMAN: But I don’t really do anything. I want to be… (Big dramatic pause. MUSIC CUE 1c: “Hero’s Fanfare.”) …a hero. (Laughs from the STUDENTS.) The hero of my own story. (More laughs.)

GABLE: You don’t have your own story.WOODSMAN: Why not? Why do I have to do what’s written? (ALL gasp.)PETRA: Hey. Wait a second. Maybe we don’t have to be hated?MAGDA: Not that we mind being hated.PETRA: Completely fi ne with it.MAGDA: Hate away.WOODSMAN: But you don’t have to be hated. You could have a choice.

(To LITTLE RED.) You don’t have to be so gullible.LITTLE RED: I’m not gullible.JACK HORNER: You thought a wolf was your granny.LITTLE RED: He was wearing glasses.WOODSMAN: (As ROSAMOND wakes up.) And Rosamond wouldn’t

have to be so helpless and needy.ROSAMOND: Oh, I’m not helpless. (To HANSEL.) Tell him I’m not

helpless—you’re a boy, he’ll listen to you.WOODSMAN: (To HANSEL and GRETEL.) You don’t have to have

navigation problems. You could control your sweet tooth.PETRA: You mean we don’t have to be wicked stepsisters?MAGDA: We could be evil queens.GABLE: No, no, no.WOODSMAN: We could all be what we want to be— (The CLASS

explodes into ad-libs about this, i.e., “I always wanted to be a ballerina.” Maybe they can change things. Maybe not. It builds into a shouting match.)

GABLE: That’s it! (To WOODSMAN, PETRA and MAGDA.) You’ve disrupted my class. You three. Stay after school! (ALL gasp and stare at MAGDA, PETRA and WOODSMAN.) Class dismissed! STUDENTS EXIT as LIGHTS FADE. MAGDA, PETRA and WOODSMAN move EXTREME DOWN RIGHT, sit in chairs and put on dunce caps for next scene.)

End of Scene One

normal and the THREE strut INTO the scene, all attitude. ROSAMOND has a sword. ALL ONSTAGE are open-jawed, in different tones of bug-eyed awe and disbelief at these THREE FAIRY-TALERS.)

LITTLE RED: (With a tinge of irony.) My what big mouths you have!PETRA/MAGDA: Cinderella?!MAGDA: What do you think you’re doing?CINDERELLA: Oh, we just got a little tired of waiting for a prince to

come save the day.LITTLE RED: We decided to take matters into our own hands. Change

the story up a bit.ROSAMOND: It was becoming a total snooze fest.CINDERELLA: Magda, Petra… you’re coming with us.MAGDA: Ha! Do you see this, Petra? These pathetic little imps think

they have some sort of power. Cinderella, take your little friends and go home. There’s housework to be done.

CINDERELLA: Oh, Magda. You’re so right. A woman’s work is never done, is it, ladies? (Looks to LITTLE RED and ROSAMOND, who nod their heads. CINDERELLA turns back to MAGDA and Boom! She decks her with a good right cross. MAGDA goes down and CINDERELLA grabs her by the hair.)

LITTLE RED: (Snags PETRA from behind.) My, what an evil sister you have.

PETRA: Tell me about it. (ROSAMOND tosses the sword to WOODSMAN, who catches it and brandishes it pretty well.)

WOODSMAN: The rest of you, be gone! (SADIE and her GANG and BULL and his CRONIES scatter OFFSTAGE, completely confused. IRVING is left behind, on his knees clutching his injured hand.)

ROSAMOND: (Kneels before IRVING.) Oh, my dearest dear. Are you all right? Here, drink this poison antidote. (Pulls out a vial and hands it over.) We can’t all wait around for a hundred years for some prince to come kiss us. Those days are so over.

CINDERELLA: It’s princess time! (To WOODSMAN.) You want to take them back? Get the credit? Make a good story?

WOODSMAN: But I didn’t do it.CINDERELLA: No one would have to know.WOODSMAN: I would.CINDERELLA: Then let’s go. (They drag MAGDA, kicking and screaming,

by the hair. LITTLE RED has PETRA in her clutches. EVERYONE EXITS. MUSIC CUE 5c: “Scene Change Music.” The CURTAIN DROPS and LIGHTS TRANSFER.)

End of Scene Thirteen

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Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: GABLE’S offi ce, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT. Nearby, MIRROR is asleep. WOODSMAN, PETRA and MAGDA are writing on personal chalkboards and mouthing to themselves, “I CANNOT CHANGE THE STORY” over and over. Petra shoves a fi nger into WOODSMAN’S chest and he backpedals into MIRROR, nearly knocking him over.WOODSMAN: Whoa, easy. You almost made me break the mirror.MAGDA: That would be bad luck.PETRA: Yeah, you’d have to stay yourself for another seven years. (She

and MAGDA laugh.)WOODSMAN: Look, it’s all smudgy. (Picks up a rag and starts to buff

the mirror. MUSIC CUE 1d: “Mirror Awakes.”)MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER and MIRROR starts to laugh like a child

being tickled. More and more until the voice booms.) Who dares awaken me?

WOODSMAN: Oh, my gosh. It’s a magic mirror.PETRA: Oh, magic mirror on the wall…MIRROR: I’m not on the wall, kid.MAGDA: Oh, magic mirror on the wheels, with the little leg things,

who’s the fairest of them all?MIRROR: Snow White. It’s always Snow White. Don’t you do your

homework?MAGDA: (Looks in the mirror.) I think I look pretty good.MIRROR: I take off ten pounds. Like a reverse camera.PETRA: What’s a camera?MIRROR: (Like, duh.) A camera. The picture-taking device. (No

response.) Digital photography? (No response.) Photoshop? The stuff they use to alter reality.

WOODSMAN: What’s reality?MIRROR: You don’t know about reality? (Then it hits him.) Oh, my

goodness, you don’t know about reality. Forget I mentioned it. Bye.PETRA: Wait. I demand you tell us about Re-al-ity.MIRROR: Please don’t. I could get into so much trouble—PETRA: You must do as I command.MIRROR: (Hating that he has to tell the truth.) It’s a place. Another

dimension. A land where the stories aren’t written. (WOODSMAN and the STEPSISTERS “oooh” in respect.) Where everyone has free will and can do what they want.

MAGDA: You mean we could be queens?WOODSMAN: Could you take me there?

WOODSMAN: I am.MELVIN: Ha! (Whispers.) What’s your name?WOODSMAN: It’s a long story.BULL: You think you’re enough to stop me?WOODSMAN: Yes. I think I’m enough.BULL: And what are you going to do?WOODSMAN: I’m going to distract you long enough for him to get a

count.PRINCIPAL: All right, I’ve tallied the new votes.BULL: What? NO!PRINCIPAL: By these counts, your new class president is Gloria

Lincoln.SADIE/BULL: Nooooooo! (Hoots and applause. GLORIA screams

as she’s carried around on shoulders. PRINCIPAL follows them OFFSTAGE, leaving the HEROES and VILLAINS to face off.)

MAGDA: You think this little election means anything? This is still my kingdom.

PETRA: Magda, come on, we’re beaten. We’re always beaten.MAGDA: Shut it, Petra.IRVING: Hey, you can’t talk to her that way. (Steps forward to protect

PETRA, who isn’t sure how to react to that.)BULL: Shut it, Irving.HAP: Yeah, shut it.SLIM: Yeah, shut it.IRVING: No. I’m tired of acting like a bully because I was dumb enough

to follow you guys.MAGDA: Silence. (Pulls out a hairpin and stabs IRVING in his

outstretched palm.)IRVING: Ow! (Crumples in pain.)PETRA: Irving! Magda, what did you do?MAGDA: Just a little poison. If you’re so afraid of it, then stay out of my

way. There’s a bigger world than just this school.WOODSMAN: You won’t succeed.MAGDA: Who’s going to stop me? YOU?! (Laughs dismissively.)WOODSMAN: No. They are. (Points, MAGDA looks and the LIGHTS

SHIFT to a SPOTLIGHT on CINDERELLA, ROSAMOND and LITTLE RED, who each strike a pose.)

ENTIRE CAST: (Strikes a chord in three-part harmony, like the sound of the sun bursting through a cloudy day [or substitute some other appropriate sound effect].) Aahhhhhhh! (LIGHTS SHIFT back to

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MIRROR: Yeah, kid, geez—what, you don’t know how this works? You rub me, you get a wish.

WOODSMAN: All right, I want you to— (Wham! MAGDA whacks WOODSMAN on the back of the head with a frying pan stashed behind the desk. SOUND EFFECT: FRYING PAN BONK. He goes down like a bag of hammers.)

PETRA: Where’d you get that?MAGDA: It’s always there when you need to whack somebody on the

head.PETRA: Mirror, we command you to take us to Re-al-ity.MIRROR: (Reluctant.) This is a very bad idea— (STEPSISTERS shoot

him nasty looks.) —but you asked for it! (STEPSISTERS step behind MIRROR. LIGHTS FLASH. MUSIC CUE 1e: “The Portal Opens.” STEPSISTERS scream. LIGHTS OUT.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeScreams continue in the DARK. LIGHTS COME UP and we fi nd ourselves in front of the CURTAIN while the set is being changed to the high school. We see a lone door with the word “JANITOR” on it. It bursts OPEN and MAGDA and PETRA come spilling IN onto the fl oor.MAGDA: Where are we? (Looks at the door.) What’s a Jan-EYE-tor?PETRA: Must be some foreign language.MAGDA: You mean they don’t speak English in Re-al-ity?MELVIN: (ENTERS with STAN and OPAL and passes the STEPSISTERS

while they trade Yu-gi-oh cards.) Okay, I’ll trade my Cyber Prima for your Flame Wingman.

STAN: Nah, that’s a tribute summon.MELVIN: Yeah, but with a fusion card he’s unbeatable.OPAL: Nosebleed. (MELVIN and STAN instantly have tissues ready. OPAL

takes them and holds them to her nose as they EXIT.)PETRA: Evidently not.MAGDA: Where are we? (To answer that question, the CURTAIN OPENS.

We’re in the middle of a high school. We can tell by the lockers and the big “SENIOR DANCE TONIGHT” sign on the wall.)

SHRIEK: (ENTERS, sees the STEPSISTERS.) Aahhhhh!MAGDA/PETRA: Aahhhhh! (SHRIEK EXITS as REALITY CAST ENTERS

from all directions—it’s passing period. MUSIC CUE 2: “Another Day in High School.” It starts with a simple fi nger snap. Then somebody else picks up the beat, slamming locker doors. Another STUDENT is banging a book on the ground, somebody else joins in, hammering

MAGDA: You.PETRA: You.SADIE: You.GLORIA: Who are you?WOODSMAN: The voting isn’t over.PRINCIPAL: Oh, yes it is, son, and you don’t belong here.WOODSMAN: No. But she does. (And he dramatically pulls DANICA

CENTER STAGE. Ooohs, ahhhhs, gasps from the CROWD.) What about her votes?

PRINCIPAL: She has been disqualifi ed from running. She doesn’t count.

DANICA: No, but my votes do. Just because I’m thrown out doesn’t mean my votes are. (Turns to the CROWD and makes an impassioned speech. MUSIC CUE 5b: “Danica’s Plea.”) I know a lot of you voted for me. And I know it was because you believed I could make the world a better place. I don’t know if I can save the world. Maybe that’s just too big a job. But I think maybe she can save the school. (Points to GLORIA.)

GLORIA: Me?DANICA: Have any of you been to her website? She has some really

good ideas on how to improve the school. I am asking everyone who voted for me to place your vote for Gloria Lincoln. Show of hands. Come on, let me see them. Get your hands up. Come on. (Slowly hands start to go up. APPLAUSE starts. BULL and his CRONIES threaten the CROWD.)

BULL: Put your hands down.SLIM: Put ’em down.HAP: Put ’em down.IRVING: (Stands silently. BULL and the GUYS glare at him.) I’m thinking.BULL: Her votes don’t count!STAN: Well, actually, they do. According to page seven of the student

rights handbook, votes of a disqualifi ed candidate can be transferred to another candidate.

GLORIA: Really?MELVIN: Yes.BULL: No! (Goes after STAN and MELVIN. The NERDS start to run. Aaach!)WOODSMAN: (Steps in.) Leave them alone.BULL: Who’s going to make me?WOODSMAN: I am.MELVIN: Yeah. He is. You are?

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on a trash can. It’s edgy and angry, the opposite of the opening fairy-tale number. MAGDA and PETRA are buffeted through the busy halls during the song. They end up on the sidelines, disoriented and watching.)

REALITY CAST: (Sings.)Bell rings on Monday morning, welcome to reality.Fate comes without a warning to change your destiny.We deal with parents, teachers, homework and college exams,The pressure builds, behind you cracks form in the dam.Another day in high school, one more cliff to scale.If you’re labeled uncool, there’s no way you can’t fail.Don’t know what tomorrow is bringing.Can’t see round the bend. TERRY: (Sings.) No no no no.Can’t hear which alarms are ringing.Can’t go back again. No no no no.Another day in high school.One more step in the dark.Another day in high school.Another day in high school.One more swim with the sharks.

GIRL: (Sings.) REALITY CAST: (Sings.)Make sure you fi nd your clique, Oooh ooh wah ooh.A place to call your home. Ooooh wah oooh.

TERRY: (Sings.) Be sure to think like they do, Ooooh wah oooh.It’s cold there on your own.

DANICA: (Sings.)Learn to test and not to learn. Oooh ooh wah ooh.It’s all about the grades. Ooooh wah oooh.

BOY: (Sings.)Don’t admit what you don’t know, Ooooh wah oooh.And you will have it made.

DANICA/BOY: (Sing.)Another day in high school, we face the dark unknown.

DANICA/TERRY/GIRL/BOY: (Sing.) And if we play by the rules,There’s rules we’re never shown.

REALITY CAST: (Sings.) SOLOIST: (Sings.)No idea what lies ahead. Oooh. Oooh.Can’t change what you can’t see. Can’t change what

you can’t see.

LITTLE RED: Well, I don’t know anything about astronomy.ROSAMOND: I have an idea. Let’s go talk to Gable. (They EXIT as the

LIGHTS FADE. CURTAIN. MUSIC CUE 5a: “Scene Change Music.”)End of Scene Eleven

Scene TwelveLIGHTS UP: We’re back outside the janitor’s closet, in front of the CURTAIN. LIGHTS FLICKER. The DOOR OPENS and DANICA and WOODSMAN step through. She’s on high octane juice. He’s lost, defeated and small.DANICA: That was amazing! That place was so… wow! And you…

you’re… I mean you’re—WOODSMAN: I’m an incidental. I’m a joke.DANICA: Not to me.WOODSMAN: No. It’s not enough.DANICA: What will be?WOODSMAN: I wanted to be a real hero.DANICA: What’s real, anyway? Your world? Mine? You ARE a hero. (He

begins to perk up. She takes his hand.) You’re MY hero.WOODSMAN: (Puffs his chest, rejuvenated.) Come on.DANICA: Where are we going?WOODSMAN: It’s not midnight yet. Maybe we can still defeat the

bad guys. (Goes rushing OFFSTAGE with DANICA. LIGHTS FADE as CURTAIN OPENS on next scene.)

End of Scene Twelve

Scene ThirteenCURTAIN UP: The high school dance with all Reality characters as well as MAGDA and PETRA. SOUND EFFECT: “Dance Music.” The stage is decorated with streamers, balloons, a disco ball—what have you. The platform is still onstage. STUDENTS dance. When the song ends, the STUDENTS clap. The PRINCIPAL steps forward.PRINCIPAL: Okay, students, this is what you’ve all been waiting for.

Time to announce the what? Starts with V. Vuh—vuh—votes. That’s right. Time to announce the new student council president. And here come the results. Gloria has a total of 17 votes. (Polite applause.) And Magda has a whopping 235 votes. (More forced cheering.) I guess, Magda, that makes you our new class—

WOODSMAN: (ENTERS.) Wait!PRINCIPAL: You.

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And if we fi nd the end is dead,We’re stuck without a key. Stuck without a key.

TERRY: (Sings, underscoring the following stanza.)Another day in high school… another day, another day.

REALITY CAST: (Sings.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.) One more day.Another day in high school. Another day, another

day.One more step in the dark. One more day.Another day in high school.

ALL: (Sing.) Another day in high school.One more swim with the sharks. (MUSIC OUT. ALL hurry OFF, talking and chattering. Everyone’s got someplace to be and no time to get there. Modern high school is controlled chaos, baby. TAG, SPATTER and RANDY, known as the TAGGERS, are CENTER STAGE. TAG has a can of spray paint.)

TAG: Did you see that? I totally tagged the gymnasium.SPATTER: Yes, you’ve raised graffi ti to a true art form.TAG: I know, right. Now everyone forevermore will know how I feel

about school.RANDY: You misspelled “sucks.”TAG: Art doesn’t have to be factually accurate.RANDY: Evidently.SPATTER: It’s a bold statement. And I like your choice of font. However,

the overall scope lacks the vision and scale of the true masters.RANDY: And it’s misspelled.TAG: Why don’t you just shut up, Randy? (They slump over to the lockers,

passing MELVIN, STAN and OPAL, who are on the fl oor playing their card game. SADIE, MERCY, CLEMENCY, BULL, SLIM, HAP and IRVING ENTER.)

SADIE: (Walks across STAGE and stops at the clot of NERDS. She could easily go around, but hey, this is Sadie.) Excuse you, this is the path I was totally like walking or whatever. (Summons her beau.) Bull.

BULL: (Steps forward and towers over the group.) What is this?HAP: I dunno.SLIM: I dunno.IRVING: Appears to be Yu-gi-oh, a trading card game of chance and

skill— (BULL elbows him and he goes stupid like the others.) I dunno.

BULL: You boys best move.

GABLE: (ENTERS.) Woodsman! (Shocked.) What are you doing? Get over here! (WOODSMAN hands DANICA over to PRINCE.)

CINDERELLA: Oh, no, you don’t. (Makes sure it’s HANSEL who gets DANICA. The FAIRY-TALE CAST sets her down, doting over the newcomer as WOODSMAN heads to GABLE.)

GABLE: Where are the stepsisters? And who’s that?WOODSMAN: They didn’t come back. (GABLE gasps.) And this is

Danica.GABLE: Oh, my goodness! You brought a real girl back instead of the

stepsisters? What’s wrong with you? You’ve got to get her back. I should’ve known not to trust an incidental character with a hero’s job.

WOODSMAN: But, sir—GABLE: Don’t argue with me. We have to have everybody back in

this world by real-time midnight or we’re all doomed. I’ll have to send a real hero. Oh, my goodness, who’s available? Where’s my list? (Goes rushing OFF. Defeated, WOODSMAN walks to the group around DANICA, who’s just now coming to.)

DANICA: (Finally believing.) But it’s all real!WOODSMAN: It doesn’t matter. We have to go. (Starts to gently lead

her OFFSTAGE. All the fi re has left him.)DANICA: But it’s real. This is reality.WOODSMAN: No, reality is where you live.ROSAMOND: You mean reality is real?WOODSMAN: Look, I’ve said enough. We’re going to go before I make

a bigger mess of things. (Leads DANICA OFFSTAGE.)ROSAMOND: The stories are falling apart.LITTLE RED: That means no heroes.CINDERELLA: Who’s going to rescue us?GABLE: (Comes nervously back IN.) Students. I’m looking for volunteers

for a special project. I might be in need of a hero. (No one steps forward. ROSAMOND, LITTLE RED and CINDERELLA look at each other then raise their hands.) That’s very amusing, ladies, but this is not the time for comic relief. We are in desperate need of a hero. (EXITS.)

CINDERELLA: Like you can count on a prince.ROSAMOND: Eh! Men. Some of them are like pigs.LITTLE RED: Really? That would explain so much. Except why they

have feet. Shouldn’t it just be hooves? Or whatever piggy feet are.ROSAMOND: It was metaphoric.

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HAP: Move.SLIM: Move.IRVING: Perhaps if you relocated your game to a safe distance— (BULL

elbows him again.) Move. (BULL and his CRONIES grab the NERDS by the collars and throw them across the stage.)

OPAL: Nosebleed! (MELVIN and STAN produce tissues.)SADIE: Thank you, honey, like (Air kiss to BULL.) mwah or whatever.

(Continues on her path.)MERCY: (To MELVIN and STAN.) You don’t want to get Bull angry. It

makes him mad.CLEMENCY: I think they get that.MERCY: Well, maybe they didn’t know. I don’t like not knowing things.

It makes me feel uninformed.CLEMENCY: Sadie, she’s doing that thing again.PRINCIPAL: (ENTERS and takes the platform as STUDENTS begin to

ENTER and crowd around. Super cheesy.) All right, students. It’s time for… (Gives a hint.) Puh—puh—presidential speeches, that’s right. First up is who? Starts with G. Guh—guh—Gloria Lincoln. Very good! (Gives the stage to GLORIA, who gets a smattering of applause from the gathering CROWD.)

GLORIA: (A bundle of nerves, reading off her index cards.) Okay, okay, so hi, everybody. High school rocks. Wait for applause. Sorry, sorry, wasn’t supposed to read that part, parenthesis. Okay, okay, so I’m Gloria— (Switches cards.) —bathroom. No, no. Wait, wait, wrong card. (Shuffl es back a card.) Lincoln. I’m Gloria Lincoln, you might remember me from chess club or as— (Back to the card.) —bathroom monitor. You should vote for me as class president because— (Drops the cards.) AHHH. (As she scoops them up, SADIE and her GANG surround PRINCIPAL.)

SADIE: Principal Lewis, I like have to totally object to this or whatever. I should be class president.

PRINCIPAL: You were homecoming queen, Sadie. You know the school rules say you can’t be both.

SADIE: (Indicates her friends.) So like one of them or whatever.PRINCIPAL: You know I can’t do that, Sadie. Mercy here doesn’t have

the grades.MERCY: I hate report cards. They make me feel so graded.CLEMENCY: Again with the thing.PRINCIPAL: And Clemency here has skipped too much school.CLEMENCY: They were having a one-day sale.PRINCIPAL: For 22 days?

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s bedlam!All king’s men have gone on strike ’cause the egg won’t slip. (SOUND EFFECT: CARTOON SLIP.) It’s turmoil!

ROSAMOND: (Sings.)I’m wide awake and quite juiced up on a caffeine trip! (SOUND EFFECT: CARTOON WOOGITY SOUND [jowl shaking].)

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s over.Rapunzel’s got a page-boy cut from a barber snip.

RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Well, I like it. (FAIRY-TALE CAST splits into two groups.)

GROUP 1: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.GROUP 2: (Sings.) Oh, no no no no!GROUP 1: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.GROUP 2: (Sings.) Oh, no no no no!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.

(EVERYONE is arguing, shouting and shoving.)WOODSMAN: (Comes rushing IN with DANICA, who’s staring around in

shock. MUSIC OUT. Aggravated.) What is going on here?! (EVERYONE stops and stares at him.)

SNOW WHITE: Woodsman!LITTLE RED: Where have you been?DANICA: AHHHHHHHH! You’re Little Red.WOODSMAN: Danica, I know this might be confusing.DANICA: It’s a dream, right? Tell me it’s a dream.PRINCE: (With a bow.) Hello. And welcome. I’m Prince Charming.DANICA: AHHHHHHHH!ALL FAIRY TALE CAST: (Trying to adapt to the newcomer and make her

feel at home.) AHHHHHHHH!CINDERELLA: (To PRINCE.) Don’t even start on the new meat. (Grabs

DANICA.) How long have you been seeing him?PRINCE: How can I be seeing her? She’s real.FAIRY-TALE CAST: Real? (The CAST swarms around DANICA, who’s

backing away now, overcome with shock and fear. But everywhere she turns, she’s faced with make-believe characters that are somehow very real.)

DANICA: This isn’t real. This can’t be real.SNOW WHITE: You poor dear, you’re overwrought. Have something to

eat. (Offers up an apple.)DANICA: AHHHHHHHH!SNOW WHITE: No, this one’s clean. (DANICA passes out.)

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CLEMENCY: They were different stores.PRINCIPAL: Bull and his friends have been in detention too many

times. Disqualifi ed.BULL/CRONIES: (So proud.) Yay! Detention!SADIE: It’s so totally like unfair.PRINCIPAL: Instead of being angry, maybe you could try being what?

Ha—ha—happy for these other girls.SADIE: These are the best girls you could fi nd?GLORIA: (Flashes through the cards at rocket speed, getting hysterical.)

I would be a good— (Flip.) —basketball. And the gym smells like— (Flip.) —my feet as I walk the halls in my— (Flip.) —bologna. AHHHHH. Vote for me. (Runs OFFSTAGE.)

PRINCIPAL: Very nice, Gloria. I’m sure you’ll make a great class president. Our other candidate is a surprise. Danica Baker.

DANICA: (Takes the stage.) Hi, guys. I’m not going to give you some perky speech about how great things are. That’s just a fairy tale and I think we need to face reality. This whole city, the entire nation, the world is in trouble and we have to save it or we’re all going to die a horrible death. (Dead silence. The CROWD just stares. Maybe one weak clap. DANICA realizes she might have overplayed her hand.) Vote for me.

PRINCIPAL: Well, Danica, I think that was quite what? Starts with F. Fa—fa—frightening. Remember, students, vote today. The results will be announced at the big dance tonight. (The CROWD starts to break up.)

SADIE: (Pulls her GROUP aside.) This is like totally wrong or whatever. We can’t let one of these dweebs run this school.

MERCY: I hate losing. It makes me feel like I’ve lost something. (CLEMENCY groans or throws her hands in the air—something to show severe annoyance. SADIE, BULL and their CREWS cross the STAGE and run straight into MAGDA and PETRA. This quickly becomes an insult-off.)

SADIE: (Assumes an “excuse you!” posture.) Excuse me.MAGDA: You are excused.MERCY: You did not just excuse her.MAGDA: Yes, I did.CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.PETRA: She begged our pardon. We granted it. (Tries to leave.)SADIE: Look, girls. It’s Little Miss Muffet.MAGDA: (Stops dead.) Look, Petra, it’s the tuffet.CLEMENCY: Oooh, snap.SADIE: I wouldn’t be too insulting with a face like that.

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)The sky is falling and the story’s a disaster.

GOLDILOCKS: (Runs across the stage screaming.) Ahhhhhhhh.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s not the way it’s s’posed to end.PRINCE: (Speaks in rhythm.) It’s over, it’s fi nished, we’re through.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)

The way things look it leads to happily never after.CINDERELLA: (Cries.) Waaaaaah.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s not the way that the tale was penned.VOICE: (Speaks.) That’s not right!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The darkness is calling…THE DARKNESS: (Speaks.) Hello? (ECHO EFFECT.)FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The cradles all are falling. (SOUND EFFECT:

SLIDE WHISTLE DOWN and a CRASH.) It’s madness!Big bad wolves (SOUND EFFECT: WHISTLE.) are at the door and eating ham. (SOUND EFFECT: PIG SNORT.) It’s crazy!

CINDERELLA: (Sings.)My prince charming doesn’t care ’bout who I am!

PRINCE: (Speaks.) It’s not you!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s chaos!PRINCE: (Sings.) Mary’s gone…

There’s a ransom note from her little lamb. (SOUND EFFECT: PAPER BEING RIPPED.)

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.VOICE: (Speaks.) Look out!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Jack was nimble, Jack was quick.

He still went up in fl ames.PRINCESSES: (Sing.) He was burnin’, burnin’.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Even the gingerbread was stale.PRINCESSES: (Sing.)

Know they waited past the expiration dated dated.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Everybody seems to know

Rumpelstiltskin’s name.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Speaks.) Nooooooo!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Somehow Jill’s head got stuck in the pail.JILL: (Speaks.) Ah, little help here.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The music is happy. (SOUND EFFECT:

INSANE GIGGLE.) Our world’s turning crappy, (SOUND EFFECT: TOILET FLUSH.)

PRINCESSES: (Sing.) Woe are we now!

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PETRA: A face like yours IS insulting.CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.MERCY: Clem, shut up.SADIE: I’m ugly? Girl, you so ugly they had to tint the windows on your

incubator.MERCY: Uh-huh-huh.MAGDA: A face like yours can make the three blind mice cry.CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.SADIE: You can’t hang at the beach without cats trying to bury you.PETRA: Beauty is only skin deep.MAGDA: So who skinned you?CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.SADIE: Girl… (Showdown. SADIE looks like she might explode. She

just glares at MAGDA and PETRA, fi sts clenched, jaw clenched. The moment holds.)

MAGDA: Look, Petra, she’s about to cry.MERCY: I hate to cry. It makes me sad.SADIE: (Runs and hugs both STEPSISTERS, embracing them into the

fold. MAGDA and PETRA are stunned and confused.) That was amazing.

CLEMENCY: Are you new here?MAGDA: Yes.SADIE: Oh, then you’ve gotta hang with us.PETRA: Hang? (She and MAGDA clutch their throats and fall to their

knees.) But we didn’t mean it.SADIE: I know, girl. You got it down to like an art. I just know we’re

going to be best friends.MAGDA: You want to be friends? With us?SADIE: Oh, yeah. (MAGDA and PETRA stand up.)MAGDA: Why?MERCY: Because you are mean, girl.CLEMENCY: That makes you queen bees.MAGDA: Queen?PETRA: Royalty?SADIE: I think you could rule this school.MAGDA: Rulers! Petra, I knew this place was right for us.SADIE: Let me tell you how this could work. (Starts to lead them OFF.

MUSIC CUE 2a: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)End of Scene Three

is following HANSEL all around the room. ROSAMOND has bandaged hands. RAPUNZEL has a page-boy haircut.RAPUNZEL: (Happily leaping off her tower, which is really just a

platform or even a chair. Every time she leaps she says—.) No tower. (And giggles. Goes back up into her tower and jumps off.) Ha. No tower! (Giggles, goes back up onto her tower and leaps off.) No tower! (Giggles. While this goes on, JACK HORNER wanders across stage, but instead of just one plum on his fi ngers he’s got lots of different fruits. It’s a plethora of produce and he’s in awe.)

JACK HORNER: Whoaaaaa!GRETEL: I don’t see why you have to use breadcrumbs.HANSEL: I’ve always used breadcrumbs.GRETEL: And they’ve never worked.HANSEL: It’s how the story goes.GRETEL: Other stories aren’t going the way they’ve always gone, so

would it kill you to stop and ask directions?HANSEL: Would it kill you not to stop at every gingerbread house you

see?GRETEL: I get hungry.HANSEL: No kidding.GRETEL: I am not fat. I have a high metabolism.HANSEL: Now that’s some fairy tale. (GRETEL chases him OFF.) Ufda,

ufda, ufda!GOLDILOCKS: (Talks with PRINCE.) I don’t even like porridge. Doesn’t

matter if it’s too cold or too hot or just right. It still tastes icky.CINDERELLA: (To PRINCE.) Got a thing for blondes now, do we? What

am I, the ugly duckling?PRINCE: It’s not you, it’s me.LITTLE RED: (Notices ROSAMOND’S bandaged hands.) Wow, Rosamond,

what a lot of bandages you have.ROSAMOND: (MUSIC CUE 4h: “Rosamond 4.”) There was no Woodsman

to cut our fi rewood. My aunts and I were ever so cold in our little cottage in the woods. I had to cut my own wood. (Gasps from the CROWD.) I kept pricking my fi nger on the axe. I’ve been asleep for a day and a half.

SNOW WHITE: That’s terrible. Do you know what I think?RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.SNOW WHITE: Yes, Rapunzel. (MUSIC CUE 5: “Sky Is Falling.”)RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) That something very wrong is happening here?SNOW WHITE: (Speaks.) Exactly.RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) I knew it.

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Scene FourWe’re back in GABLE’S offi ce in fairy-tale land, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT. GABLE comes rushing IN to fi nd WOODSMAN on the fl oor, just coming to. The MIRROR appears to be asleep.GABLE: Oh, my goodness. Where are the stepsisters?WOODSMAN: Ask him.GABLE: Mirror? Oh, no. No. Mirror. Mirror! (Kicks the MIRROR.)MIRROR: Ow. What?GABLE: You let them through?MIRROR: Hey, I have to do what I’m told, remember?GABLE: Oh, no, this is the end. The end of everything.WOODSMAN: Wait. Somebody please explain what’s going on.GABLE: Somebody has crossed over into reality.WOODSMAN: So?GABLE: This spells disaster. It only happened once before—when an

incidental character escaped our world and entered reality. The two worlds cannot exist on the same plane. Our world was ripped apart!

MIRROR: I was only gone a few hours.GABLE: A few hours over there. A few days over here.MIRROR: I didn’t know that time works different in different worlds.

And I came home.GABLE: Only after the damage was done. We set things right.MIRROR: You call what you did to me right?GABLE: You had to be punished.MIRROR: (To WOODSMAN.) They turned me into this mirror, all my

stories rewritten. I was edited out and now I’m practically this lady’s slave.

GABLE: Quit your pouting. It is what it is and you can’t change it. We need to bring them back. It’ll be dangerous. I’ll have to summon a hero.

WOODSMAN: Wait, wait! I’ll go.GABLE: (Thinks, then—) No. You’re an incidental character. How can I

trust you. You’re not written for something this diffi cult.WOODSMAN: Nobody is written for this. Do you want everybody to

know what’s happened? (GABLE ponders.) If you send a hero, people will know something’s wrong. He’ll be missed. Who’ll miss me? I can do this. I can be the hero you need. (GABLE ponders this as LIGHTS BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Four

DANICA: So let ’em come. I’m not afraid.WOODSMAN: You should be.DANICA: What are they going to do to me?WOODSMAN: Don’t you read the stories? Spinning wheels? Poison

apples? Ovens where they bake children?DANICA: That’s it, I’m leaving. (Starts to EXIT, but hears VILLAIN’S

VOICES OFFSTAGE.)MAGDA’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE.) There they are.WOODSMAN: Come on. (Grabs DANICA’S arm and drags her OFF. MUSIC

CUE 4f: The Chase.” What follows is a crazy chase. As they EXIT, BULL and SADIE ENTER, looking for them. BULL and SADIE have a quick huddle CENTER STAGE, then take off in different directions in pursuit. This chase scene needs to feel chaotic, but in actuality takes precise blocking and lots of rehearsal. Throughout the scene, we keep seeing WOODSMAN and DANICA crossing with various VILLAINS after them. MAGDA and PETRA do more pointing than actual chasing. Once or twice, DANICA might come face to face with a pursuer, scream and run OFF in a different direction. Meanwhile, HAP and SLIM are chasing the NERDS. Don’t be afraid to use the wings and the entire auditorium if it works. Overall, there’s much screaming and ad-libbing. “Get ’em!” “I saw them go this way!” etc. Finally, the CURTAIN CLOSES and the janitor’s door appears in front of it. WOODSMAN and DANICA run ON.)

DANICA: Let me go.WOODSMAN: I’m trying to save you.DANICA: Keep away from me. (As VOICES BUILD OFFSTAGE, WOODSMAN

grabs DANICA and runs LEFT, then VOICES are heard OFF LEFT. They run RIGHT, then VOICES are closer. WOODSMAN looks around madly for his options and is left with only one…)

WOODSMAN: Oh, no. (As the VOICES BECOME SHOUTS, he shoves DANICA through the doorway. LIGHTS FLASH as the VILLAINS come rushing ON. The portal is open again just as the song ends. Direct segue to MUSIC CUE 4g: “Scene Change Music.” BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Ten

Scene ElevenCURTAIN UP: We’re back in the fairy-tale classroom. Things are still getting worse. The entire FAIRY-TALE CAST, except for GABLE and the ones in reality, are in a state of chaos. RUMPELSTILTSKIN laughs. JILL goes stumbling across the stage with a pail on her head. GRETEL

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Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: High school hallway, played in front of the curtain. KIDS

are passing, talking in groups. There’s a box on a table in the corner marked “Ballot Box.” MELVIN, STAN and OPAL can be playing a board game.

SADIE: (ENTERS with MERCY, CLEMENCY, BULL, HAP, SLIM and IRVING. SADIE checks out the school, then looks OFFSTAGE.) Okay, ladies.

PETRA: (Struts in with MAGDA. MUSIC CUE 2b: “Enter the Mean Queens.” But now they’re dressed in modern-day garb, complete with sunglasses with a “just too cool for school” attitude. MAGDA sports a stylish tiara. They totally fi t in among this crowd. PETRA talks to her sister while they pose.) I don’t know why you get to be the ruler.

MAGDA: You’re my sister. You still get to be royalty.PETRA: And together we’ll rule this entire kingdom.MAGDA: Ha-ha-ha. (Evil laugh.)SADIE: Okay, you guys are like totally set or whatever. I got you

registered at the school. I faked up some transcripts and records or whatever and put them in the system.

MAGDA: How?BULL: It was easy.HAP: Easy.SLIM: Easy.IRVING: Hacked into the school mainframe and did a manual override

on the password— (BULL elbows him.) Easy. (PETRA is giggling.) What?

PETRA: I just like the way you talk. (Smiles. He smiles.)SADIE: (Takes CENTER STAGE and addresses the gathering CROWD.)

Okay, everyone, like I need your attention or whatever. Listen to me. I’m totally serious. (The CROWD doesn’t react.) Bull, get some votes.

BULL: (Grabs a passing STUDENT by the lapels.) Hey you. Vote for Magda. (SADIE holds a page in front of him, the STUDENT signs and crams it into the ballot box.)

MAGDA: Thank you.GLORIA: (Rushes IN.) Sadie, what are you doing? You can’t run for

president.SADIE: And I’m like totally not, am I? She is. (MAGDA waves.)GLORIA: Who is she?SADIE: The new girl in school. The rules say anyone qualifi ed can run.GLORIA: You’re just doing this so you can keep control of the school.

You just got some idiot to run for you. She’s just your puppet.

stunned.) Please, just stay away from me. (VOICES OF VILLAINS SHOUTING OFFSTAGE.) Oh, no. It’s Bull.

WOODSMAN: It’s Magda. Hide. Hide!DANICA: What? Wait. Why? (But WOODSMAN shoves her into a locker

and climbs into another one himself just a nanosecond before the STEPSISTERS, SADIE and her GANG and BULL and his CRONIES ENTER.)

SADIE: I like totally can’t believe she escaped from detention or whatever.

MAGDA: We’ve got to fi nd them.BULL: Why? Good riddance is what I say.HAP: Good riddance.SLIM: Good riddance.IRVING: Although technically a loose end like this can spell demise—

(BULL elbows him.) Could you please stop that— (BULL elbows him again.) Fine. Good riddance.

SADIE: Yeah like no worries, everyone. She’ll like totally never be elected now.

MAGDA: Listen, you vacuous little twit. (SADIE gasps in disbelief.) There’s always some plot twist against characters like me. Find them and bring them to me.

PETRA: And then what?MAGDA: Silence, Petra. This is going to be my kingdom. Now fi nd

them. (The GANG splits off in search.)IRVING: (Pulls PETRA aside.) Why do you let her talk to you like that?PETRA: She’s my sister.IRVING: So?PETRA: So who else have I got? Who else is going to like me? (A

moment of connection.) Does that sound silly?BULL: Come on.HAP: Come on.SLIM: Come on.IRVING: Just a second, I’m talking— (BULL elbows him.) I just need a

moment— (Elbow again.) Ow. Okay, I’m coming. (Follows the GUYS, then turns back to PETRA.) Doesn’t sound silly at all. (He’s OUT. The GIRLS EXIT. We’re left with an empty stage for a moment. Then the LOCKER DOOR OPENS and WOODSMAN steps IN. Once the coast is clear, he opens DANICA’S door and she steps INTO the hallway.)

DANICA: Okay, you are now certifi able.WOODSMAN: They’re after you.

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MAGDA: (Coming over.) Prithee, maiden, this is going to be my kingdom!PETRA: And you best get used to it, Dopey. (Turns to IRVING.) Do I

sound right? (IRVING gives her a thumbs up.)MAGDA: No little incidental character with greasy hair and bad skin is

going to stop me. Now take your whiney behiney out of my sight before I smite thee.

GLORIA: That’s just so mean. (Runs OFFSTAGE in tears.)SADIE: (Grabs MAGDA’S hands and bounces excitedly.) You’re going to

be such a good ruler. (BULL goes back to threatening STUDENTS.)WOODSMAN: (ENTERS and sees the STEPSISTERS.) Magda! Petra!

Thank goodness I’ve found you. I’ve come to bring you home.PETRA: Oh, no, you didn’t. (To IRVING.) Did I do that right?IRVING: You gotta do the little snappy thing in a Z formation. (Snap,

snap, snap.)PETRA: (Tries it, with her own sound effects.) Uh-uh-ungh. (IRVING gives

her the thumbs up.)MAGDA: (To WOODSMAN.) We are not going home. As long as I’m

queen, that is.WOODSMAN: But you must. You don’t belong here. (MUSIC CUE 3:

“Queen of Mean.”)MAGDA: (Speaks.) Oh, you’re wrong. This is exactly where we belong.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Oooh!

Witchy witchy, yah yah yah yah, baby!Witchy witchy, yah yah yah!

PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Back home is hard on a villain.We were tormented, hated and shunned.The glass shoes we were fi llin’—We only did what had to be done.We can’t help if we’re evil, baby.

SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Ruthless, nasty, wicked and cruel.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) This world ain’t so medieval.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Baby!ALL: (Sing.) They love us here with open arms.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Baby, welcome to high school.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) I’m the queen of mean.

Get to start all over bright and clean.Found prosperityAnd popularity.I am not leavin’.Best be believin’.I found myself a new home.I’m the queen of mean.

whooping and hollering, leaving only DANICA and WOODSMAN. MUSIC CUE 4e: “Scene Change Music.” WOODSMAN leaps down heroically, scoops her in his arms and runs OFFSTAGE. LIGHTS FADE.)

End of Scene Nine

Scene TenThe halls of high school. While the detention scene is struck, WOODSMAN, still carrying DANICA, comes up in another POOL OF LIGHT on the opposite side of the stage. DANICA is not happy and things start going downhill.DANICA: Put me down. Put me down! (He does.)WOODSMAN: All is well.DANICA: All is not well. Little is well. And little is feeling barfy. Why did

you do that?WOODSMAN: I was saving you.DANICA: You made it worse. No one’s going to listen to me now.WOODSMAN: When you are queen, you can set all things right.DANICA: I won’t be quee—president now. Thanks to you. WOODSMAN: I don’t understand.DANICA: I could have maybe explained things and gotten back into the

race, but after your little jailbreak I look guilty. There’s no way I’ll get elected now.

WOODSMAN: (Confused.) But that’s not how the story’s supposed to go.

DANICA: I don’t even know where Sadie and Bull got that stupid axe.WOODSMAN: It’s mine.DANICA: It really is yours? Why am I less than stunned?WOODSMAN: Every hero needs a weapon.DANICA: You are not a hero! (Those words pound home. We let them

echo a moment.) You’re a cute guy and all, and I really appreciate your help, but you don’t really believe all this make-believe whacko stuff, do you?

WOODSMAN: Of course.DANICA: Okay, that’s just a little creepy.WOODSMAN: You truly don’t believe in fairy tales?DANICA: I had 11 sets of foster parents read me that crap. Girls

rescued by princes. But that doesn’t happen. Nobody is going to rescue us. We have to save ourselves. I have all the reality I can handle, I don’t need some make-believe, non-existent fairy-tale hero wannabe ruining my life. (Wow, that hurt. WOODSMAN stands

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SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Witchy witchy, yah yah yah yah, baby!Witchy witchy, yah yah yah.

PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Paradise here in high school.Eden for the ones with black hearts.

SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) We are walkin’ in heaven.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Here the wicked reign and rule.

They got…ALL: (Sing.) …meanness!PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) …down to an art.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Can be so catty!

Here the bad guys are winning.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Baby.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Evil rises upward like cream.

A princess is just the beginning.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Baby!SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Gonna rule the kingdom…PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Baby, we can live the dream.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) As the queen of mean.ALL: (Sing.) Gonna be more than I’ve ever been.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.)

Look at the loyalty Oooh.You get as royalty. Oooh.The tide is turnin’, Oooh.Ambition’s burnin’, Oooh.Gonna get myself a new throne. Oooh.I’m the queen of mean. Witchy, witchy, yah yah yah

yah, baby!I’m the queen of mean. Witchy, witchy, yah yah yah.I’m the queen of mean. (They laugh. MUSIC OUT.)

WOODSMAN: (Draws his hatchet.) I’m afraid I must insist.SADIE: Bull! (BULL and his CRONIES circle WOODSMAN.)WOODSMAN: Stand aside. I have no quarrel with thee. (BULL simply grabs

the hatchet from his hands.) Hey! (BULL and his CRONIES snatch up WOODSMAN, kicking and screaming, and stuff him into a locker.)

SADIE: Let’s get some more votes. (They EXIT.)DANICA: (After a moment, ENTERS. To the CROWD.) Remember, don’t

let the water run at the fountain if you’re not drinking. Think, people. There’s a drought on. Trees will die. Without trees, there’s no oxygen. Everybody dies.

SHRIEK: Aahhhh! (Runs OFF.)

WOODSMAN: I’m not Hansel.DANICA: I don’t belong here. I didn’t do anything.TJ: Hey, we’re all innocent here.DANICA: Yeah, I’m sure you’re all innocent.TERRY: Hey, we were just in the wrong place—TJ: —at the wrong time.OPAL: Nosebleed! (DETAINEES just look at her. She gets her own tissue

or holds her nose.)WOODSMAN: You’re all innocent? I knew it. This is perfect! We’re

trapped here. Prisoners. Captives. And innocent. The world looks utterly bleak. (Thrilled.) Woo-hoo!

TJ: Can crazy get worse? Like the mumps? ’Cause you’re looking a little mumpy.

WOODSMAN: This is exactly what needs to happen. Don’t you see? This is the apparent defeat before the big victory! (EVERYONE just stares at him.) Prince Philip had to fi ght through the thorns to get to Sleeping Beauty. Hansel and Gretel were held captive by the evil witch.

DANICA: (Just starting to get concerned.) Maybe enough with the fairy-tale analogies.

WOODSMAN: It means we’re on the right path. Only heroes face the darkest night and slay impossible dragons.

DANICA: Seriously. If you want to help, we need a plan. If I can get the principal in here and explain things—

WOODSMAN: (Leaps to a desk, caught up in the moment. MUSIC CUE 4d: “Freedom Rises.” Music continues under dialogue. Speaks.) Listen to me, my fellow prisoners. No dungeon can hold the righteous. (The DETAINEES start to get caught up, too. They cheer.)

DANICA: (Speaks.) Stop.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) The evil baron—DETAINEES: (Speak.) Booooo!DANICA: (Speaks.) Principal.DETAINEES: (Speak.) Hisssss!WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) And his wicked system shall not extinguish our

fi re. (More cheers.) It’s time we break our bonds. (More cheers.) And taste freedom once more!

DANICA: (Speaks.) NO.DETAINEES: (Speak.) Awwwww.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) Freedom!DETAINEES: (Except DANICA. Speaks.) Freedom! (MUSIC OUT. The room

erupts into frenzied activity. They scatter, running from the room,

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DANICA: Vote for me. (Tries handing out ballots to a few passing STUDENTS. They avoid her like the plague. That’s when she hears the KNOCKING on the locker door. She opens the door and WOODSMAN tumbles IN.)

DANICA: Who are you?WOODSMAN: (Notices her looking suspiciously at his costume.) I’m

a…. um… a foreign exchange student.DANICA: Uh-huh. What’s your name?WOODSMAN: It’s a long story. Just call me Woodsman.DANICA: I’m Danica. What are you doing here?WOODSMAN: Failing.DANICA: You too, huh?WOODSMAN: Who would’ve thought saving the world would be so

hard.DANICA: Tell me about it.WOODSMAN: Don’t they understand our world is in danger?DANICA: I know.WOODSMAN: If we don’t act now, there won’t be anything left of our

world to save.DANICA: This is what I’m saying!WOODSMAN/DANICA: (Together.) We have to save our world. (They

look at each other and have apparently found soul mates. MUSIC CUE 3a: “Danica/Woodsman Connection 1.”)

DANICA: You’ve got to join my campaign.WOODSMAN: What’s a campaign?DANICA: I’m running for class president.WOODSMAN: President?DANICA: Like ruler of the school.WOODSMAN: But Magda is going to be queen.DANICA: The new girl? Heard about her. She won’t be if she doesn’t

get enough votes.WOODSMAN: Votes?DANICA: You must be from far away.WOODSMAN: You have no idea.DANICA: Everybody says who they think should be ruler. The one with

the most votes wins.WOODSMAN: This is a wonderful place. Here people choose their own

destiny. You don’t see that as glorious?DANICA: (Really looking at him.) Not until right this second, no.

LITTLE RED: Yes.RAPUNZEL: I knew it.GRETEL: Yeah, we all know the dialogue.LITTLE RED: Well, the wolf just jumped out of bed and tried to eat me.

But nobody came to rescue me.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Rescuers have Thursdays off.LITTLE RED: Really?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Union rules.LITTLE RED: We have unions?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To SNOW WHITE.) You know, it’s amazing she can

get through the day.PRINCE: Where is Woodsman?CINDERELLA: Now you’re concerned about Woodsman. Weren’t too

concerned when I had to walk home from the ball.PRINCE: I had guests.CINDERELLA: It was after midnight.ROSAMOND: Things appear ever so different. What is happening?

(Now the CLASS is looking around ad-libbing shock and arguing.)GABLE: (Rings the triangle as the LIGHTS FADE.) Attention. Attention.

Everything is fi ne. There’s nothing wrong! (Raises her voice.) Everything is perfectly fi ne! (She’s losing control over this world. MUSIC CUE 4c: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Eight

Scene NineCURTAIN UP: Reality. Detention hall with a few desks or tables and chairs. DANICA is ONSTAGE with TJ, TAG, SPATTER, RANDY, TERRY, OPAL and optional EXTRA DETAINEES.DANICA: I can’t believe this. This is horrible. This is awful.WOODSMAN: (ENTERS and looks around the room.) This is terrifi c!DANICA: What are you doing here?WOODSMAN: Fear not and be of good cheer. I’ve come to rescue you.TERRY: Good cheer?DANICA: Means happy.WOODSMAN: A plot twist is at hand.TERRY: At hand?DANICA: Means soon. Go buy a thesaurus.WOODSMAN: (Winks at her.) All is not lost.TJ: Easy for you to say, Hansel.

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WOODSMAN: I can change the story here. If I can stop Magda from becoming queen, she’ll have no reason to stay. She’ll have to come home. How many votes do you have?

DANICA: Besides my own?WOODSMAN: Yes.DANICA: Will you vote for me?WOODSMAN: Yes. (Holds up a fi nger.)DANICA: Then two. (Holds up a fi nger and touches his. MUSIC CUE 3b:

“Danica/Woodsman Connection 2.”)WOODSMAN: Come on. We have to make you queen.DANICA: And save the world.WOODSMAN: Exactly. (Takes her hand and they go running OFFSTAGE.

MUSIC CUE 3c: “Scene Change Music.”)End of Scene Five

Scene SixCURTAIN UP: We’re back in the fairy-tale classroom. STUDENTS are gathering for class and taking their seats. GABLE fi nishes ringing the triangle.GABLE: All right, everyone, gather round.RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: We can’t begin yet. Some of us are not here.GABLE: I’m sure we’ll fi nd out when I take roll.RAPUNZEL: It’s Magda and Petra. And that Woodsman fellow.GABLE: I’m sure they’ll be along.RAPUNZEL: Cinderella and Prince Charming.GABLE: So there’s nothing to worry—wait a moment. Did you say

Cinderella and Prince Charming? (Getting hysterical.) Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. (CINDERELLA and PRINCE walk IN.) Oh, thank goodness.

CINDERELLA: (Follows PRINCE.) Look, if you could just give me another chance.

PRINCE: Hey, it’s not you, okay? It’s me. You’re great, I’m just not… ready. (Walks away to talk with HANSEL and RUMPELSTILTSKIN.)

CINDERELLA: Where are they? I’m going to squeeze their little faces!SNOW WHITE: Cindy, what’s wrong?CINDERELLA: What makes you think something’s wrong?RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh. Is it the way her skin is all blotchy

and red?

DANICA: No. No, that’s not fair. NO! (VILLAINS lead DANICA OFF one direction while PRINCIPAL leads WOODSMAN OFF the other. MUSIC CUE 4b: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Seven

Scene EightCURTAIN UP: We’re back in the fairy-tale classroom. Class is in session and things are getting worse. GABLE is doing her best to hold it together.GABLE: Today we’re going to study nursery rhymes.RAPUNZEL: We can’t start. More people are missing.GABLE: No one is missing. Everything is fi ne. (Suddenly the DOOR

BURSTS OPEN. LITTLE RED stands there, using crutches, her head bandaged. She’s a little cheesed off here.)

LITTLE RED: (ENTERS, yelling.) Where is he?! (The CROWD reacts, gasping and ad-libbing shock.) I’m going to throttle him.

ROSAMOND: Oh, my dearest dear, let me help you to a seat. (Gets LITTLE RED to a seat, then—) Ouch. Cloak pin. (Passes out. PRINCE is there to catch her. CINDERELLA burns at the sight.)

CINDERELLA: Oh, so you’re with her now?PRINCE: She fell into my arms.CINDERELLA: Convenient. I suppose if I fainted you’d let me hit the

ground. I’m not good enough to catch?PRINCE: It’s not you, it’s me.LITTLE RED: I’m going to mangle him.SNOW WHITE: Him who?LITTLE RED: What’s his name. Woodsman.SNOW WHITE: What happened?LITTLE RED: Well, I was taking some goodies to Granny’s house—CAST: Just like you always do.LITTLE RED: Did you know my granny was a wolf in disguise?CAST: Yes.LITTLE RED: Well, I didn’t.MARY MARY: Yes you did!GRETEL: So what happened?LITTLE RED: Well, I got to Granny’s, and she looked a little different.

So I said—RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.LITTLE RED: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: “My, Granny, what big eyes you have…”

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CINDERELLA: Where are my stepsisters?JILL: I don’t know.MARY MARY: Yes you do.JILL: No I don’t.MARY MARY: Yes you do.CINDERELLA: Well, they’re not here.LITTLE RED: So?CINDERELLA: So an invitation came for the prince’s ball last night.GIRLS: Just like it always does.CINDERELLA: Right. But my stepsisters aren’t around to tell me I can’t

go. So I put a dress on and go to the ball.ROSAMOND: (MUSIC CUE 3d: “Rosamond 3.”) That sounds ever so

nice. I love balls. The dancing. And the food they have sometimes, the way the dishes gleam and the punch bowl always seems so fresh. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN simply stabs ROSAMOND’S hand with a pencil.) Oh. (She’s out like a light.)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Little chatterbox today. (To CINDERELLA.) Go on. You went to the ball.

CINDERELLA: Yes. And since my stepsisters didn’t force me to stay home, my fairy godmother didn’t come. I didn’t get the fabulous dress and the glass slippers. No pumpkin coach and six white horses. (Yells across the room at PRINCE.) The prince wasn’t very impressed!

PRINCE: It’s not you. It’s me.CINDERELLA: He doesn’t love me. Now everything is falling apart. This

is supposed to be my happily ever after. It’s not fair.GABLE: It’s starting. Oh, Woodsman, whatever you’re doing, I hope you

do it faster. (LIGHTS FADE and MUSIC segues back to reality. MUSIC CUE 3e: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Six

Scene SevenCURTAIN UP: We’re back in reality. The high school hallway. WOODSMAN comes rushing IN with DANICA.WOODSMAN: Okay, show me how you get these votes. (STUDENTS

begin to ENTER, cross the stage and EXIT.)DANICA: Okay, here goes. (To a passing STUDENT.) Hey. You’ve got

to vote for me. I’m going to change the rules to make it harder to graduate. (The STUDENT runs away. DANICA calls after him, then turns to another STUDENT.) The next generation of leaders is illiterate. The economy is going to crumble. (The STUDENT rushes

WOODSMAN: No, it was you.DANICA: No, you.WOODSMAN: No, you. (They look dreamily at each other. MUSIC CUE

4a: “Danica/Woodsman Connection 3.”)PRINCIPAL: (ENTERS with STEPSISTERS, SADIE and her GANG and

BULL and his CRONIES.) Danica. There you are. I need you to open your locker.

DANICA: (Suddenly suspicious.) No.WOODSMAN: You have nothing to fear. Nothing’s wrong.PRINCIPAL: I’m afraid there is. And it’s very what? Starts with S. Ser—

ser—serious. Now, open the locker, young lady. (DANICA reluctantly opens her locker and out tumbles the hatchet that BULL took from WOODSMAN. The VILLAINS do a mock gasp of shock.)

DANICA: That is not mine!WOODSMAN: (Heroically steps up to take the heat.) She’s right, sir. It

belongs to me.PRINCIPAL: Who are you?SADIE: That’s her boyfriend.DANICA: (Embarrassed.) He’s not my—WOODSMAN: I’m not her—DANICA: No.WOODSMAN: Hopefully, though. (There’s a weird fl irting in the face of

danger thing going on.)PRINCIPAL: (Waves his arms in front of them.) Hello? I’m what? Dis—

dis—disappointed.DANICA: (Indicates SADIE, BULL and their GANGS.) They put it there.PRINCIPAL: Do you have any proof? Any witnesses?SADIE: We all saw her put it there.BULL: I saw it.HAP: I saw it.SLIM: I saw it.IRVING: I wasn’t an actual eyewitness, but circumstantial evidence—

(BULL elbows him.) Saw it.PRINCIPAL: I have a lot of witnesses saying you’re lying to me.DANICA: I want a full investigation.PRINCIPAL: And we’ll have one. First thing Monday morning. The new

student council will launch a full inquiry.DANICA: The new student council.PRINCIPAL: I’m afraid this disqualifi es you from running. Now I need

you to get to where? Starts with D. De—de—detention. That’s right.

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away. DANICA corners another STUDENT.) A loaf of bread will cost a hundred dollars. Twenty-fi ve for a gallon of gas.

SHRIEK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs OFFSTAGE.)DANICA: (To WOODSMAN.) I can make it better. No one cares.WOODSMAN: They care. They’re just afraid. You need to show them a

better world.DANICA: It doesn’t exist.WOODSMAN: Pretend it does.DANICA: There are no happily ever afters. And if you wait around for

one, you end up living in a miserable today. We need to face reality.WOODSMAN: No, what people need is belief in something more.

(Gathering a CROWD. MUSIC CUE 4: “Save the Day.” Speaks.) Everyone, listen! Danica understands.(Sings.) Everyone knows our life is bleak,But you dream what it could be.Losers need a winning streakTo change our reality.We can make a simple course correction.Vote for her and step in that direction.She can fi nd a better way.You know she’s gonna save the day.

DANICA: (To WOODSMAN; speaks.) It’s not just about me. We’re in this together.

WOODSMAN: (Ignores her and works the CROWD; speaks.) Right. (Sings.) Ah, life can be like a fairy tale,Where beanstalks rise like smoke.

DANICA: (Speaks.) What? No!(Sings.) You can’t fi nd your holy grailOr geese layin’ 12-karat yolks!

WOODSMAN: (Sings.) There’s silver in this cloud of gray.You know she’s gonna save the day.

DANICA: (Speaks.) We can do this. But we gotta work together.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) You tell ’em.DANICA/WOODSMAN: (Sing.) Can you see it?

Can you feel it?The new day comin’.Let your dreams take fl ight. Live past midnight!Won’t need breadcrumbs to fi nd our way!Together we can save the day.

DANICA: (Speaks.) Nobody believes in this fairy-tale stuff.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) You sure?

CROWD 1: (Sings.) There’s a pot of gold where the rainbow shines.Got the Midas touch up our sleeve.

DANICA: (Speaks.) Oh, wow.(Sings.) Put your faith and hands in mine,And it won’t be make-believe. CROWD 2: (Sings.)

Whoa oh oh.CROWD 1: (Sings.) We can have a brighter tomorrow

If we all join in. Whoa oh oh.We can end the suffering and sorrow.Let a new day begin. Begin.Baby, I’m here to say,I’m ready to save the day.Can you see it? Can you see it?Can you feel it? Can you feel it?A new day comin’… I feel it coming.Don’t need to roamTo fi nd a gingerbread home. Oooh ooooh.Everything we need’s inThese hallways. Everything we need.Together we can save the day! (DANCE BREAK. This is a big, rousing number. EVERYONE is caught up in “Danica Fever.” But in the midst of it, our STEPSISTERS ENTER with SADIE’S GANG and BULL’S CRONIES. They watch from a distance as the following groups sing as a duo.)

DANICA/WOODSMAN/CROWD 1: (Sing.) CROWD 2: (Sings.)You can see it I can see it.If you believe it! I believe it.A new day’s comin’. I feel it coming.You’ve opened our eyes, Oooh ooooh.We’re no longer blind mice.Leave troubles in that land far, far away. Far, far away. Together we can save the day.

ALL: (Sing.) Together…PETRA: (Speaks.) If she gets more votes than you, we’re fi nished.ALL: (Sing.) …we’re gonna…MAGDA: (Getting an idea; speaks.) Don’t worry. This is reality and I

have a plan to….WOODSMAN/DANICA/CROWD/MAGDA: (Sing.)

…save the day. (ALL disperse excitedly, leaving DANICA and WOODSMAN ONSTAGE alone.)

DANICA: (Bouncy and alive.) That was amazing. I think I got a lot of votes. You did it!

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away. DANICA corners another STUDENT.) A loaf of bread will cost a hundred dollars. Twenty-fi ve for a gallon of gas.

SHRIEK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs OFFSTAGE.)DANICA: (To WOODSMAN.) I can make it better. No one cares.WOODSMAN: They care. They’re just afraid. You need to show them a

better world.DANICA: It doesn’t exist.WOODSMAN: Pretend it does.DANICA: There are no happily ever afters. And if you wait around for

one, you end up living in a miserable today. We need to face reality.WOODSMAN: No, what people need is belief in something more.

(Gathering a CROWD. MUSIC CUE 4: “Save the Day.” Speaks.) Everyone, listen! Danica understands.(Sings.) Everyone knows our life is bleak,But you dream what it could be.Losers need a winning streakTo change our reality.We can make a simple course correction.Vote for her and step in that direction.She can fi nd a better way.You know she’s gonna save the day.

DANICA: (To WOODSMAN; speaks.) It’s not just about me. We’re in this together.

WOODSMAN: (Ignores her and works the CROWD; speaks.) Right. (Sings.) Ah, life can be like a fairy tale,Where beanstalks rise like smoke.

DANICA: (Speaks.) What? No!(Sings.) You can’t fi nd your holy grailOr geese layin’ 12-karat yolks!

WOODSMAN: (Sings.) There’s silver in this cloud of gray.You know she’s gonna save the day.

DANICA: (Speaks.) We can do this. But we gotta work together.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) You tell ’em.DANICA/WOODSMAN: (Sing.) Can you see it?

Can you feel it?The new day comin’.Let your dreams take fl ight. Live past midnight!Won’t need breadcrumbs to fi nd our way!Together we can save the day.

DANICA: (Speaks.) Nobody believes in this fairy-tale stuff.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) You sure?

CROWD 1: (Sings.) There’s a pot of gold where the rainbow shines.Got the Midas touch up our sleeve.

DANICA: (Speaks.) Oh, wow.(Sings.) Put your faith and hands in mine,And it won’t be make-believe. CROWD 2: (Sings.)

Whoa oh oh.CROWD 1: (Sings.) We can have a brighter tomorrow

If we all join in. Whoa oh oh.We can end the suffering and sorrow.Let a new day begin. Begin.Baby, I’m here to say,I’m ready to save the day.Can you see it? Can you see it?Can you feel it? Can you feel it?A new day comin’… I feel it coming.Don’t need to roamTo fi nd a gingerbread home. Oooh ooooh.Everything we need’s inThese hallways. Everything we need.Together we can save the day! (DANCE BREAK. This is a big, rousing number. EVERYONE is caught up in “Danica Fever.” But in the midst of it, our STEPSISTERS ENTER with SADIE’S GANG and BULL’S CRONIES. They watch from a distance as the following groups sing as a duo.)

DANICA/WOODSMAN/CROWD 1: (Sing.) CROWD 2: (Sings.)You can see it I can see it.If you believe it! I believe it.A new day’s comin’. I feel it coming.You’ve opened our eyes, Oooh ooooh.We’re no longer blind mice.Leave troubles in that land far, far away. Far, far away. Together we can save the day.

ALL: (Sing.) Together…PETRA: (Speaks.) If she gets more votes than you, we’re fi nished.ALL: (Sing.) …we’re gonna…MAGDA: (Getting an idea; speaks.) Don’t worry. This is reality and I

have a plan to….WOODSMAN/DANICA/CROWD/MAGDA: (Sing.)

…save the day. (ALL disperse excitedly, leaving DANICA and WOODSMAN ONSTAGE alone.)

DANICA: (Bouncy and alive.) That was amazing. I think I got a lot of votes. You did it!

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CINDERELLA: Where are my stepsisters?JILL: I don’t know.MARY MARY: Yes you do.JILL: No I don’t.MARY MARY: Yes you do.CINDERELLA: Well, they’re not here.LITTLE RED: So?CINDERELLA: So an invitation came for the prince’s ball last night.GIRLS: Just like it always does.CINDERELLA: Right. But my stepsisters aren’t around to tell me I can’t

go. So I put a dress on and go to the ball.ROSAMOND: (MUSIC CUE 3d: “Rosamond 3.”) That sounds ever so

nice. I love balls. The dancing. And the food they have sometimes, the way the dishes gleam and the punch bowl always seems so fresh. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN simply stabs ROSAMOND’S hand with a pencil.) Oh. (She’s out like a light.)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Little chatterbox today. (To CINDERELLA.) Go on. You went to the ball.

CINDERELLA: Yes. And since my stepsisters didn’t force me to stay home, my fairy godmother didn’t come. I didn’t get the fabulous dress and the glass slippers. No pumpkin coach and six white horses. (Yells across the room at PRINCE.) The prince wasn’t very impressed!

PRINCE: It’s not you. It’s me.CINDERELLA: He doesn’t love me. Now everything is falling apart. This

is supposed to be my happily ever after. It’s not fair.GABLE: It’s starting. Oh, Woodsman, whatever you’re doing, I hope you

do it faster. (LIGHTS FADE and MUSIC segues back to reality. MUSIC CUE 3e: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Six

Scene SevenCURTAIN UP: We’re back in reality. The high school hallway. WOODSMAN comes rushing IN with DANICA.WOODSMAN: Okay, show me how you get these votes. (STUDENTS

begin to ENTER, cross the stage and EXIT.)DANICA: Okay, here goes. (To a passing STUDENT.) Hey. You’ve got

to vote for me. I’m going to change the rules to make it harder to graduate. (The STUDENT runs away. DANICA calls after him, then turns to another STUDENT.) The next generation of leaders is illiterate. The economy is going to crumble. (The STUDENT rushes

WOODSMAN: No, it was you.DANICA: No, you.WOODSMAN: No, you. (They look dreamily at each other. MUSIC CUE

4a: “Danica/Woodsman Connection 3.”)PRINCIPAL: (ENTERS with STEPSISTERS, SADIE and her GANG and

BULL and his CRONIES.) Danica. There you are. I need you to open your locker.

DANICA: (Suddenly suspicious.) No.WOODSMAN: You have nothing to fear. Nothing’s wrong.PRINCIPAL: I’m afraid there is. And it’s very what? Starts with S. Ser—

ser—serious. Now, open the locker, young lady. (DANICA reluctantly opens her locker and out tumbles the hatchet that BULL took from WOODSMAN. The VILLAINS do a mock gasp of shock.)

DANICA: That is not mine!WOODSMAN: (Heroically steps up to take the heat.) She’s right, sir. It

belongs to me.PRINCIPAL: Who are you?SADIE: That’s her boyfriend.DANICA: (Embarrassed.) He’s not my—WOODSMAN: I’m not her—DANICA: No.WOODSMAN: Hopefully, though. (There’s a weird fl irting in the face of

danger thing going on.)PRINCIPAL: (Waves his arms in front of them.) Hello? I’m what? Dis—

dis—disappointed.DANICA: (Indicates SADIE, BULL and their GANGS.) They put it there.PRINCIPAL: Do you have any proof? Any witnesses?SADIE: We all saw her put it there.BULL: I saw it.HAP: I saw it.SLIM: I saw it.IRVING: I wasn’t an actual eyewitness, but circumstantial evidence—

(BULL elbows him.) Saw it.PRINCIPAL: I have a lot of witnesses saying you’re lying to me.DANICA: I want a full investigation.PRINCIPAL: And we’ll have one. First thing Monday morning. The new

student council will launch a full inquiry.DANICA: The new student council.PRINCIPAL: I’m afraid this disqualifi es you from running. Now I need

you to get to where? Starts with D. De—de—detention. That’s right.

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WOODSMAN: I can change the story here. If I can stop Magda from becoming queen, she’ll have no reason to stay. She’ll have to come home. How many votes do you have?

DANICA: Besides my own?WOODSMAN: Yes.DANICA: Will you vote for me?WOODSMAN: Yes. (Holds up a fi nger.)DANICA: Then two. (Holds up a fi nger and touches his. MUSIC CUE 3b:

“Danica/Woodsman Connection 2.”)WOODSMAN: Come on. We have to make you queen.DANICA: And save the world.WOODSMAN: Exactly. (Takes her hand and they go running OFFSTAGE.

MUSIC CUE 3c: “Scene Change Music.”)End of Scene Five

Scene SixCURTAIN UP: We’re back in the fairy-tale classroom. STUDENTS are gathering for class and taking their seats. GABLE fi nishes ringing the triangle.GABLE: All right, everyone, gather round.RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: We can’t begin yet. Some of us are not here.GABLE: I’m sure we’ll fi nd out when I take roll.RAPUNZEL: It’s Magda and Petra. And that Woodsman fellow.GABLE: I’m sure they’ll be along.RAPUNZEL: Cinderella and Prince Charming.GABLE: So there’s nothing to worry—wait a moment. Did you say

Cinderella and Prince Charming? (Getting hysterical.) Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. (CINDERELLA and PRINCE walk IN.) Oh, thank goodness.

CINDERELLA: (Follows PRINCE.) Look, if you could just give me another chance.

PRINCE: Hey, it’s not you, okay? It’s me. You’re great, I’m just not… ready. (Walks away to talk with HANSEL and RUMPELSTILTSKIN.)

CINDERELLA: Where are they? I’m going to squeeze their little faces!SNOW WHITE: Cindy, what’s wrong?CINDERELLA: What makes you think something’s wrong?RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh. Is it the way her skin is all blotchy

and red?

DANICA: No. No, that’s not fair. NO! (VILLAINS lead DANICA OFF one direction while PRINCIPAL leads WOODSMAN OFF the other. MUSIC CUE 4b: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Seven

Scene EightCURTAIN UP: We’re back in the fairy-tale classroom. Class is in session and things are getting worse. GABLE is doing her best to hold it together.GABLE: Today we’re going to study nursery rhymes.RAPUNZEL: We can’t start. More people are missing.GABLE: No one is missing. Everything is fi ne. (Suddenly the DOOR

BURSTS OPEN. LITTLE RED stands there, using crutches, her head bandaged. She’s a little cheesed off here.)

LITTLE RED: (ENTERS, yelling.) Where is he?! (The CROWD reacts, gasping and ad-libbing shock.) I’m going to throttle him.

ROSAMOND: Oh, my dearest dear, let me help you to a seat. (Gets LITTLE RED to a seat, then—) Ouch. Cloak pin. (Passes out. PRINCE is there to catch her. CINDERELLA burns at the sight.)

CINDERELLA: Oh, so you’re with her now?PRINCE: She fell into my arms.CINDERELLA: Convenient. I suppose if I fainted you’d let me hit the

ground. I’m not good enough to catch?PRINCE: It’s not you, it’s me.LITTLE RED: I’m going to mangle him.SNOW WHITE: Him who?LITTLE RED: What’s his name. Woodsman.SNOW WHITE: What happened?LITTLE RED: Well, I was taking some goodies to Granny’s house—CAST: Just like you always do.LITTLE RED: Did you know my granny was a wolf in disguise?CAST: Yes.LITTLE RED: Well, I didn’t.MARY MARY: Yes you did!GRETEL: So what happened?LITTLE RED: Well, I got to Granny’s, and she looked a little different.

So I said—RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.LITTLE RED: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: “My, Granny, what big eyes you have…”

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DANICA: Vote for me. (Tries handing out ballots to a few passing STUDENTS. They avoid her like the plague. That’s when she hears the KNOCKING on the locker door. She opens the door and WOODSMAN tumbles IN.)

DANICA: Who are you?WOODSMAN: (Notices her looking suspiciously at his costume.) I’m

a…. um… a foreign exchange student.DANICA: Uh-huh. What’s your name?WOODSMAN: It’s a long story. Just call me Woodsman.DANICA: I’m Danica. What are you doing here?WOODSMAN: Failing.DANICA: You too, huh?WOODSMAN: Who would’ve thought saving the world would be so

hard.DANICA: Tell me about it.WOODSMAN: Don’t they understand our world is in danger?DANICA: I know.WOODSMAN: If we don’t act now, there won’t be anything left of our

world to save.DANICA: This is what I’m saying!WOODSMAN/DANICA: (Together.) We have to save our world. (They

look at each other and have apparently found soul mates. MUSIC CUE 3a: “Danica/Woodsman Connection 1.”)

DANICA: You’ve got to join my campaign.WOODSMAN: What’s a campaign?DANICA: I’m running for class president.WOODSMAN: President?DANICA: Like ruler of the school.WOODSMAN: But Magda is going to be queen.DANICA: The new girl? Heard about her. She won’t be if she doesn’t

get enough votes.WOODSMAN: Votes?DANICA: You must be from far away.WOODSMAN: You have no idea.DANICA: Everybody says who they think should be ruler. The one with

the most votes wins.WOODSMAN: This is a wonderful place. Here people choose their own

destiny. You don’t see that as glorious?DANICA: (Really looking at him.) Not until right this second, no.

LITTLE RED: Yes.RAPUNZEL: I knew it.GRETEL: Yeah, we all know the dialogue.LITTLE RED: Well, the wolf just jumped out of bed and tried to eat me.

But nobody came to rescue me.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Rescuers have Thursdays off.LITTLE RED: Really?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Union rules.LITTLE RED: We have unions?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To SNOW WHITE.) You know, it’s amazing she can

get through the day.PRINCE: Where is Woodsman?CINDERELLA: Now you’re concerned about Woodsman. Weren’t too

concerned when I had to walk home from the ball.PRINCE: I had guests.CINDERELLA: It was after midnight.ROSAMOND: Things appear ever so different. What is happening?

(Now the CLASS is looking around ad-libbing shock and arguing.)GABLE: (Rings the triangle as the LIGHTS FADE.) Attention. Attention.

Everything is fi ne. There’s nothing wrong! (Raises her voice.) Everything is perfectly fi ne! (She’s losing control over this world. MUSIC CUE 4c: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Eight

Scene NineCURTAIN UP: Reality. Detention hall with a few desks or tables and chairs. DANICA is ONSTAGE with TJ, TAG, SPATTER, RANDY, TERRY, OPAL and optional EXTRA DETAINEES.DANICA: I can’t believe this. This is horrible. This is awful.WOODSMAN: (ENTERS and looks around the room.) This is terrifi c!DANICA: What are you doing here?WOODSMAN: Fear not and be of good cheer. I’ve come to rescue you.TERRY: Good cheer?DANICA: Means happy.WOODSMAN: A plot twist is at hand.TERRY: At hand?DANICA: Means soon. Go buy a thesaurus.WOODSMAN: (Winks at her.) All is not lost.TJ: Easy for you to say, Hansel.

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SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Witchy witchy, yah yah yah yah, baby!Witchy witchy, yah yah yah.

PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Paradise here in high school.Eden for the ones with black hearts.

SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) We are walkin’ in heaven.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Here the wicked reign and rule.

They got…ALL: (Sing.) …meanness!PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) …down to an art.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Can be so catty!

Here the bad guys are winning.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Baby.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Evil rises upward like cream.

A princess is just the beginning.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Baby!SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Gonna rule the kingdom…PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Baby, we can live the dream.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) As the queen of mean.ALL: (Sing.) Gonna be more than I’ve ever been.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.)

Look at the loyalty Oooh.You get as royalty. Oooh.The tide is turnin’, Oooh.Ambition’s burnin’, Oooh.Gonna get myself a new throne. Oooh.I’m the queen of mean. Witchy, witchy, yah yah yah

yah, baby!I’m the queen of mean. Witchy, witchy, yah yah yah.I’m the queen of mean. (They laugh. MUSIC OUT.)

WOODSMAN: (Draws his hatchet.) I’m afraid I must insist.SADIE: Bull! (BULL and his CRONIES circle WOODSMAN.)WOODSMAN: Stand aside. I have no quarrel with thee. (BULL simply grabs

the hatchet from his hands.) Hey! (BULL and his CRONIES snatch up WOODSMAN, kicking and screaming, and stuff him into a locker.)

SADIE: Let’s get some more votes. (They EXIT.)DANICA: (After a moment, ENTERS. To the CROWD.) Remember, don’t

let the water run at the fountain if you’re not drinking. Think, people. There’s a drought on. Trees will die. Without trees, there’s no oxygen. Everybody dies.

SHRIEK: Aahhhh! (Runs OFF.)

WOODSMAN: I’m not Hansel.DANICA: I don’t belong here. I didn’t do anything.TJ: Hey, we’re all innocent here.DANICA: Yeah, I’m sure you’re all innocent.TERRY: Hey, we were just in the wrong place—TJ: —at the wrong time.OPAL: Nosebleed! (DETAINEES just look at her. She gets her own tissue

or holds her nose.)WOODSMAN: You’re all innocent? I knew it. This is perfect! We’re

trapped here. Prisoners. Captives. And innocent. The world looks utterly bleak. (Thrilled.) Woo-hoo!

TJ: Can crazy get worse? Like the mumps? ’Cause you’re looking a little mumpy.

WOODSMAN: This is exactly what needs to happen. Don’t you see? This is the apparent defeat before the big victory! (EVERYONE just stares at him.) Prince Philip had to fi ght through the thorns to get to Sleeping Beauty. Hansel and Gretel were held captive by the evil witch.

DANICA: (Just starting to get concerned.) Maybe enough with the fairy-tale analogies.

WOODSMAN: It means we’re on the right path. Only heroes face the darkest night and slay impossible dragons.

DANICA: Seriously. If you want to help, we need a plan. If I can get the principal in here and explain things—

WOODSMAN: (Leaps to a desk, caught up in the moment. MUSIC CUE 4d: “Freedom Rises.” Music continues under dialogue. Speaks.) Listen to me, my fellow prisoners. No dungeon can hold the righteous. (The DETAINEES start to get caught up, too. They cheer.)

DANICA: (Speaks.) Stop.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) The evil baron—DETAINEES: (Speak.) Booooo!DANICA: (Speaks.) Principal.DETAINEES: (Speak.) Hisssss!WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) And his wicked system shall not extinguish our

fi re. (More cheers.) It’s time we break our bonds. (More cheers.) And taste freedom once more!

DANICA: (Speaks.) NO.DETAINEES: (Speak.) Awwwww.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) Freedom!DETAINEES: (Except DANICA. Speaks.) Freedom! (MUSIC OUT. The room

erupts into frenzied activity. They scatter, running from the room,

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MAGDA: (Coming over.) Prithee, maiden, this is going to be my kingdom!PETRA: And you best get used to it, Dopey. (Turns to IRVING.) Do I

sound right? (IRVING gives her a thumbs up.)MAGDA: No little incidental character with greasy hair and bad skin is

going to stop me. Now take your whiney behiney out of my sight before I smite thee.

GLORIA: That’s just so mean. (Runs OFFSTAGE in tears.)SADIE: (Grabs MAGDA’S hands and bounces excitedly.) You’re going to

be such a good ruler. (BULL goes back to threatening STUDENTS.)WOODSMAN: (ENTERS and sees the STEPSISTERS.) Magda! Petra!

Thank goodness I’ve found you. I’ve come to bring you home.PETRA: Oh, no, you didn’t. (To IRVING.) Did I do that right?IRVING: You gotta do the little snappy thing in a Z formation. (Snap,

snap, snap.)PETRA: (Tries it, with her own sound effects.) Uh-uh-ungh. (IRVING gives

her the thumbs up.)MAGDA: (To WOODSMAN.) We are not going home. As long as I’m

queen, that is.WOODSMAN: But you must. You don’t belong here. (MUSIC CUE 3:

“Queen of Mean.”)MAGDA: (Speaks.) Oh, you’re wrong. This is exactly where we belong.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Oooh!

Witchy witchy, yah yah yah yah, baby!Witchy witchy, yah yah yah!

PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) Back home is hard on a villain.We were tormented, hated and shunned.The glass shoes we were fi llin’—We only did what had to be done.We can’t help if we’re evil, baby.

SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Ruthless, nasty, wicked and cruel.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) This world ain’t so medieval.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Baby!ALL: (Sing.) They love us here with open arms.SADIE/HER GANG: (Sing.) Baby, welcome to high school.PETRA/MAGDA: (Sing.) I’m the queen of mean.

Get to start all over bright and clean.Found prosperityAnd popularity.I am not leavin’.Best be believin’.I found myself a new home.I’m the queen of mean.

whooping and hollering, leaving only DANICA and WOODSMAN. MUSIC CUE 4e: “Scene Change Music.” WOODSMAN leaps down heroically, scoops her in his arms and runs OFFSTAGE. LIGHTS FADE.)

End of Scene Nine

Scene TenThe halls of high school. While the detention scene is struck, WOODSMAN, still carrying DANICA, comes up in another POOL OF LIGHT on the opposite side of the stage. DANICA is not happy and things start going downhill.DANICA: Put me down. Put me down! (He does.)WOODSMAN: All is well.DANICA: All is not well. Little is well. And little is feeling barfy. Why did

you do that?WOODSMAN: I was saving you.DANICA: You made it worse. No one’s going to listen to me now.WOODSMAN: When you are queen, you can set all things right.DANICA: I won’t be quee—president now. Thanks to you. WOODSMAN: I don’t understand.DANICA: I could have maybe explained things and gotten back into the

race, but after your little jailbreak I look guilty. There’s no way I’ll get elected now.

WOODSMAN: (Confused.) But that’s not how the story’s supposed to go.

DANICA: I don’t even know where Sadie and Bull got that stupid axe.WOODSMAN: It’s mine.DANICA: It really is yours? Why am I less than stunned?WOODSMAN: Every hero needs a weapon.DANICA: You are not a hero! (Those words pound home. We let them

echo a moment.) You’re a cute guy and all, and I really appreciate your help, but you don’t really believe all this make-believe whacko stuff, do you?

WOODSMAN: Of course.DANICA: Okay, that’s just a little creepy.WOODSMAN: You truly don’t believe in fairy tales?DANICA: I had 11 sets of foster parents read me that crap. Girls

rescued by princes. But that doesn’t happen. Nobody is going to rescue us. We have to save ourselves. I have all the reality I can handle, I don’t need some make-believe, non-existent fairy-tale hero wannabe ruining my life. (Wow, that hurt. WOODSMAN stands

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Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: High school hallway, played in front of the curtain. KIDS

are passing, talking in groups. There’s a box on a table in the corner marked “Ballot Box.” MELVIN, STAN and OPAL can be playing a board game.

SADIE: (ENTERS with MERCY, CLEMENCY, BULL, HAP, SLIM and IRVING. SADIE checks out the school, then looks OFFSTAGE.) Okay, ladies.

PETRA: (Struts in with MAGDA. MUSIC CUE 2b: “Enter the Mean Queens.” But now they’re dressed in modern-day garb, complete with sunglasses with a “just too cool for school” attitude. MAGDA sports a stylish tiara. They totally fi t in among this crowd. PETRA talks to her sister while they pose.) I don’t know why you get to be the ruler.

MAGDA: You’re my sister. You still get to be royalty.PETRA: And together we’ll rule this entire kingdom.MAGDA: Ha-ha-ha. (Evil laugh.)SADIE: Okay, you guys are like totally set or whatever. I got you

registered at the school. I faked up some transcripts and records or whatever and put them in the system.

MAGDA: How?BULL: It was easy.HAP: Easy.SLIM: Easy.IRVING: Hacked into the school mainframe and did a manual override

on the password— (BULL elbows him.) Easy. (PETRA is giggling.) What?

PETRA: I just like the way you talk. (Smiles. He smiles.)SADIE: (Takes CENTER STAGE and addresses the gathering CROWD.)

Okay, everyone, like I need your attention or whatever. Listen to me. I’m totally serious. (The CROWD doesn’t react.) Bull, get some votes.

BULL: (Grabs a passing STUDENT by the lapels.) Hey you. Vote for Magda. (SADIE holds a page in front of him, the STUDENT signs and crams it into the ballot box.)

MAGDA: Thank you.GLORIA: (Rushes IN.) Sadie, what are you doing? You can’t run for

president.SADIE: And I’m like totally not, am I? She is. (MAGDA waves.)GLORIA: Who is she?SADIE: The new girl in school. The rules say anyone qualifi ed can run.GLORIA: You’re just doing this so you can keep control of the school.

You just got some idiot to run for you. She’s just your puppet.

stunned.) Please, just stay away from me. (VOICES OF VILLAINS SHOUTING OFFSTAGE.) Oh, no. It’s Bull.

WOODSMAN: It’s Magda. Hide. Hide!DANICA: What? Wait. Why? (But WOODSMAN shoves her into a locker

and climbs into another one himself just a nanosecond before the STEPSISTERS, SADIE and her GANG and BULL and his CRONIES ENTER.)

SADIE: I like totally can’t believe she escaped from detention or whatever.

MAGDA: We’ve got to fi nd them.BULL: Why? Good riddance is what I say.HAP: Good riddance.SLIM: Good riddance.IRVING: Although technically a loose end like this can spell demise—

(BULL elbows him.) Could you please stop that— (BULL elbows him again.) Fine. Good riddance.

SADIE: Yeah like no worries, everyone. She’ll like totally never be elected now.

MAGDA: Listen, you vacuous little twit. (SADIE gasps in disbelief.) There’s always some plot twist against characters like me. Find them and bring them to me.

PETRA: And then what?MAGDA: Silence, Petra. This is going to be my kingdom. Now fi nd

them. (The GANG splits off in search.)IRVING: (Pulls PETRA aside.) Why do you let her talk to you like that?PETRA: She’s my sister.IRVING: So?PETRA: So who else have I got? Who else is going to like me? (A

moment of connection.) Does that sound silly?BULL: Come on.HAP: Come on.SLIM: Come on.IRVING: Just a second, I’m talking— (BULL elbows him.) I just need a

moment— (Elbow again.) Ow. Okay, I’m coming. (Follows the GUYS, then turns back to PETRA.) Doesn’t sound silly at all. (He’s OUT. The GIRLS EXIT. We’re left with an empty stage for a moment. Then the LOCKER DOOR OPENS and WOODSMAN steps IN. Once the coast is clear, he opens DANICA’S door and she steps INTO the hallway.)

DANICA: Okay, you are now certifi able.WOODSMAN: They’re after you.

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Scene FourWe’re back in GABLE’S offi ce in fairy-tale land, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT. GABLE comes rushing IN to fi nd WOODSMAN on the fl oor, just coming to. The MIRROR appears to be asleep.GABLE: Oh, my goodness. Where are the stepsisters?WOODSMAN: Ask him.GABLE: Mirror? Oh, no. No. Mirror. Mirror! (Kicks the MIRROR.)MIRROR: Ow. What?GABLE: You let them through?MIRROR: Hey, I have to do what I’m told, remember?GABLE: Oh, no, this is the end. The end of everything.WOODSMAN: Wait. Somebody please explain what’s going on.GABLE: Somebody has crossed over into reality.WOODSMAN: So?GABLE: This spells disaster. It only happened once before—when an

incidental character escaped our world and entered reality. The two worlds cannot exist on the same plane. Our world was ripped apart!

MIRROR: I was only gone a few hours.GABLE: A few hours over there. A few days over here.MIRROR: I didn’t know that time works different in different worlds.

And I came home.GABLE: Only after the damage was done. We set things right.MIRROR: You call what you did to me right?GABLE: You had to be punished.MIRROR: (To WOODSMAN.) They turned me into this mirror, all my

stories rewritten. I was edited out and now I’m practically this lady’s slave.

GABLE: Quit your pouting. It is what it is and you can’t change it. We need to bring them back. It’ll be dangerous. I’ll have to summon a hero.

WOODSMAN: Wait, wait! I’ll go.GABLE: (Thinks, then—) No. You’re an incidental character. How can I

trust you. You’re not written for something this diffi cult.WOODSMAN: Nobody is written for this. Do you want everybody to

know what’s happened? (GABLE ponders.) If you send a hero, people will know something’s wrong. He’ll be missed. Who’ll miss me? I can do this. I can be the hero you need. (GABLE ponders this as LIGHTS BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Four

DANICA: So let ’em come. I’m not afraid.WOODSMAN: You should be.DANICA: What are they going to do to me?WOODSMAN: Don’t you read the stories? Spinning wheels? Poison

apples? Ovens where they bake children?DANICA: That’s it, I’m leaving. (Starts to EXIT, but hears VILLAIN’S

VOICES OFFSTAGE.)MAGDA’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE.) There they are.WOODSMAN: Come on. (Grabs DANICA’S arm and drags her OFF. MUSIC

CUE 4f: The Chase.” What follows is a crazy chase. As they EXIT, BULL and SADIE ENTER, looking for them. BULL and SADIE have a quick huddle CENTER STAGE, then take off in different directions in pursuit. This chase scene needs to feel chaotic, but in actuality takes precise blocking and lots of rehearsal. Throughout the scene, we keep seeing WOODSMAN and DANICA crossing with various VILLAINS after them. MAGDA and PETRA do more pointing than actual chasing. Once or twice, DANICA might come face to face with a pursuer, scream and run OFF in a different direction. Meanwhile, HAP and SLIM are chasing the NERDS. Don’t be afraid to use the wings and the entire auditorium if it works. Overall, there’s much screaming and ad-libbing. “Get ’em!” “I saw them go this way!” etc. Finally, the CURTAIN CLOSES and the janitor’s door appears in front of it. WOODSMAN and DANICA run ON.)

DANICA: Let me go.WOODSMAN: I’m trying to save you.DANICA: Keep away from me. (As VOICES BUILD OFFSTAGE, WOODSMAN

grabs DANICA and runs LEFT, then VOICES are heard OFF LEFT. They run RIGHT, then VOICES are closer. WOODSMAN looks around madly for his options and is left with only one…)

WOODSMAN: Oh, no. (As the VOICES BECOME SHOUTS, he shoves DANICA through the doorway. LIGHTS FLASH as the VILLAINS come rushing ON. The portal is open again just as the song ends. Direct segue to MUSIC CUE 4g: “Scene Change Music.” BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Ten

Scene ElevenCURTAIN UP: We’re back in the fairy-tale classroom. Things are still getting worse. The entire FAIRY-TALE CAST, except for GABLE and the ones in reality, are in a state of chaos. RUMPELSTILTSKIN laughs. JILL goes stumbling across the stage with a pail on her head. GRETEL

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PETRA: A face like yours IS insulting.CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.MERCY: Clem, shut up.SADIE: I’m ugly? Girl, you so ugly they had to tint the windows on your

incubator.MERCY: Uh-huh-huh.MAGDA: A face like yours can make the three blind mice cry.CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.SADIE: You can’t hang at the beach without cats trying to bury you.PETRA: Beauty is only skin deep.MAGDA: So who skinned you?CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.SADIE: Girl… (Showdown. SADIE looks like she might explode. She

just glares at MAGDA and PETRA, fi sts clenched, jaw clenched. The moment holds.)

MAGDA: Look, Petra, she’s about to cry.MERCY: I hate to cry. It makes me sad.SADIE: (Runs and hugs both STEPSISTERS, embracing them into the

fold. MAGDA and PETRA are stunned and confused.) That was amazing.

CLEMENCY: Are you new here?MAGDA: Yes.SADIE: Oh, then you’ve gotta hang with us.PETRA: Hang? (She and MAGDA clutch their throats and fall to their

knees.) But we didn’t mean it.SADIE: I know, girl. You got it down to like an art. I just know we’re

going to be best friends.MAGDA: You want to be friends? With us?SADIE: Oh, yeah. (MAGDA and PETRA stand up.)MAGDA: Why?MERCY: Because you are mean, girl.CLEMENCY: That makes you queen bees.MAGDA: Queen?PETRA: Royalty?SADIE: I think you could rule this school.MAGDA: Rulers! Petra, I knew this place was right for us.SADIE: Let me tell you how this could work. (Starts to lead them OFF.

MUSIC CUE 2a: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.)End of Scene Three

is following HANSEL all around the room. ROSAMOND has bandaged hands. RAPUNZEL has a page-boy haircut.RAPUNZEL: (Happily leaping off her tower, which is really just a

platform or even a chair. Every time she leaps she says—.) No tower. (And giggles. Goes back up into her tower and jumps off.) Ha. No tower! (Giggles, goes back up onto her tower and leaps off.) No tower! (Giggles. While this goes on, JACK HORNER wanders across stage, but instead of just one plum on his fi ngers he’s got lots of different fruits. It’s a plethora of produce and he’s in awe.)

JACK HORNER: Whoaaaaa!GRETEL: I don’t see why you have to use breadcrumbs.HANSEL: I’ve always used breadcrumbs.GRETEL: And they’ve never worked.HANSEL: It’s how the story goes.GRETEL: Other stories aren’t going the way they’ve always gone, so

would it kill you to stop and ask directions?HANSEL: Would it kill you not to stop at every gingerbread house you

see?GRETEL: I get hungry.HANSEL: No kidding.GRETEL: I am not fat. I have a high metabolism.HANSEL: Now that’s some fairy tale. (GRETEL chases him OFF.) Ufda,

ufda, ufda!GOLDILOCKS: (Talks with PRINCE.) I don’t even like porridge. Doesn’t

matter if it’s too cold or too hot or just right. It still tastes icky.CINDERELLA: (To PRINCE.) Got a thing for blondes now, do we? What

am I, the ugly duckling?PRINCE: It’s not you, it’s me.LITTLE RED: (Notices ROSAMOND’S bandaged hands.) Wow, Rosamond,

what a lot of bandages you have.ROSAMOND: (MUSIC CUE 4h: “Rosamond 4.”) There was no Woodsman

to cut our fi rewood. My aunts and I were ever so cold in our little cottage in the woods. I had to cut my own wood. (Gasps from the CROWD.) I kept pricking my fi nger on the axe. I’ve been asleep for a day and a half.

SNOW WHITE: That’s terrible. Do you know what I think?RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.SNOW WHITE: Yes, Rapunzel. (MUSIC CUE 5: “Sky Is Falling.”)RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) That something very wrong is happening here?SNOW WHITE: (Speaks.) Exactly.RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) I knew it.

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CLEMENCY: They were different stores.PRINCIPAL: Bull and his friends have been in detention too many

times. Disqualifi ed.BULL/CRONIES: (So proud.) Yay! Detention!SADIE: It’s so totally like unfair.PRINCIPAL: Instead of being angry, maybe you could try being what?

Ha—ha—happy for these other girls.SADIE: These are the best girls you could fi nd?GLORIA: (Flashes through the cards at rocket speed, getting hysterical.)

I would be a good— (Flip.) —basketball. And the gym smells like— (Flip.) —my feet as I walk the halls in my— (Flip.) —bologna. AHHHHH. Vote for me. (Runs OFFSTAGE.)

PRINCIPAL: Very nice, Gloria. I’m sure you’ll make a great class president. Our other candidate is a surprise. Danica Baker.

DANICA: (Takes the stage.) Hi, guys. I’m not going to give you some perky speech about how great things are. That’s just a fairy tale and I think we need to face reality. This whole city, the entire nation, the world is in trouble and we have to save it or we’re all going to die a horrible death. (Dead silence. The CROWD just stares. Maybe one weak clap. DANICA realizes she might have overplayed her hand.) Vote for me.

PRINCIPAL: Well, Danica, I think that was quite what? Starts with F. Fa—fa—frightening. Remember, students, vote today. The results will be announced at the big dance tonight. (The CROWD starts to break up.)

SADIE: (Pulls her GROUP aside.) This is like totally wrong or whatever. We can’t let one of these dweebs run this school.

MERCY: I hate losing. It makes me feel like I’ve lost something. (CLEMENCY groans or throws her hands in the air—something to show severe annoyance. SADIE, BULL and their CREWS cross the STAGE and run straight into MAGDA and PETRA. This quickly becomes an insult-off.)

SADIE: (Assumes an “excuse you!” posture.) Excuse me.MAGDA: You are excused.MERCY: You did not just excuse her.MAGDA: Yes, I did.CLEMENCY: Oh, snap.PETRA: She begged our pardon. We granted it. (Tries to leave.)SADIE: Look, girls. It’s Little Miss Muffet.MAGDA: (Stops dead.) Look, Petra, it’s the tuffet.CLEMENCY: Oooh, snap.SADIE: I wouldn’t be too insulting with a face like that.

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)The sky is falling and the story’s a disaster.

GOLDILOCKS: (Runs across the stage screaming.) Ahhhhhhhh.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s not the way it’s s’posed to end.PRINCE: (Speaks in rhythm.) It’s over, it’s fi nished, we’re through.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)

The way things look it leads to happily never after.CINDERELLA: (Cries.) Waaaaaah.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s not the way that the tale was penned.VOICE: (Speaks.) That’s not right!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The darkness is calling…THE DARKNESS: (Speaks.) Hello? (ECHO EFFECT.)FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The cradles all are falling. (SOUND EFFECT:

SLIDE WHISTLE DOWN and a CRASH.) It’s madness!Big bad wolves (SOUND EFFECT: WHISTLE.) are at the door and eating ham. (SOUND EFFECT: PIG SNORT.) It’s crazy!

CINDERELLA: (Sings.)My prince charming doesn’t care ’bout who I am!

PRINCE: (Speaks.) It’s not you!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s chaos!PRINCE: (Sings.) Mary’s gone…

There’s a ransom note from her little lamb. (SOUND EFFECT: PAPER BEING RIPPED.)

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.VOICE: (Speaks.) Look out!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Jack was nimble, Jack was quick.

He still went up in fl ames.PRINCESSES: (Sing.) He was burnin’, burnin’.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Even the gingerbread was stale.PRINCESSES: (Sing.)

Know they waited past the expiration dated dated.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Everybody seems to know

Rumpelstiltskin’s name.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Speaks.) Nooooooo!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Somehow Jill’s head got stuck in the pail.JILL: (Speaks.) Ah, little help here.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The music is happy. (SOUND EFFECT:

INSANE GIGGLE.) Our world’s turning crappy, (SOUND EFFECT: TOILET FLUSH.)

PRINCESSES: (Sing.) Woe are we now!

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HAP: Move.SLIM: Move.IRVING: Perhaps if you relocated your game to a safe distance— (BULL

elbows him again.) Move. (BULL and his CRONIES grab the NERDS by the collars and throw them across the stage.)

OPAL: Nosebleed! (MELVIN and STAN produce tissues.)SADIE: Thank you, honey, like (Air kiss to BULL.) mwah or whatever.

(Continues on her path.)MERCY: (To MELVIN and STAN.) You don’t want to get Bull angry. It

makes him mad.CLEMENCY: I think they get that.MERCY: Well, maybe they didn’t know. I don’t like not knowing things.

It makes me feel uninformed.CLEMENCY: Sadie, she’s doing that thing again.PRINCIPAL: (ENTERS and takes the platform as STUDENTS begin to

ENTER and crowd around. Super cheesy.) All right, students. It’s time for… (Gives a hint.) Puh—puh—presidential speeches, that’s right. First up is who? Starts with G. Guh—guh—Gloria Lincoln. Very good! (Gives the stage to GLORIA, who gets a smattering of applause from the gathering CROWD.)

GLORIA: (A bundle of nerves, reading off her index cards.) Okay, okay, so hi, everybody. High school rocks. Wait for applause. Sorry, sorry, wasn’t supposed to read that part, parenthesis. Okay, okay, so I’m Gloria— (Switches cards.) —bathroom. No, no. Wait, wait, wrong card. (Shuffl es back a card.) Lincoln. I’m Gloria Lincoln, you might remember me from chess club or as— (Back to the card.) —bathroom monitor. You should vote for me as class president because— (Drops the cards.) AHHH. (As she scoops them up, SADIE and her GANG surround PRINCIPAL.)

SADIE: Principal Lewis, I like have to totally object to this or whatever. I should be class president.

PRINCIPAL: You were homecoming queen, Sadie. You know the school rules say you can’t be both.

SADIE: (Indicates her friends.) So like one of them or whatever.PRINCIPAL: You know I can’t do that, Sadie. Mercy here doesn’t have

the grades.MERCY: I hate report cards. They make me feel so graded.CLEMENCY: Again with the thing.PRINCIPAL: And Clemency here has skipped too much school.CLEMENCY: They were having a one-day sale.PRINCIPAL: For 22 days?

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s bedlam!All king’s men have gone on strike ’cause the egg won’t slip. (SOUND EFFECT: CARTOON SLIP.) It’s turmoil!

ROSAMOND: (Sings.)I’m wide awake and quite juiced up on a caffeine trip! (SOUND EFFECT: CARTOON WOOGITY SOUND [jowl shaking].)

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s over.Rapunzel’s got a page-boy cut from a barber snip.

RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Well, I like it. (FAIRY-TALE CAST splits into two groups.)

GROUP 1: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.GROUP 2: (Sings.) Oh, no no no no!GROUP 1: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.GROUP 2: (Sings.) Oh, no no no no!FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days.

(EVERYONE is arguing, shouting and shoving.)WOODSMAN: (Comes rushing IN with DANICA, who’s staring around in

shock. MUSIC OUT. Aggravated.) What is going on here?! (EVERYONE stops and stares at him.)

SNOW WHITE: Woodsman!LITTLE RED: Where have you been?DANICA: AHHHHHHHH! You’re Little Red.WOODSMAN: Danica, I know this might be confusing.DANICA: It’s a dream, right? Tell me it’s a dream.PRINCE: (With a bow.) Hello. And welcome. I’m Prince Charming.DANICA: AHHHHHHHH!ALL FAIRY TALE CAST: (Trying to adapt to the newcomer and make her

feel at home.) AHHHHHHHH!CINDERELLA: (To PRINCE.) Don’t even start on the new meat. (Grabs

DANICA.) How long have you been seeing him?PRINCE: How can I be seeing her? She’s real.FAIRY-TALE CAST: Real? (The CAST swarms around DANICA, who’s

backing away now, overcome with shock and fear. But everywhere she turns, she’s faced with make-believe characters that are somehow very real.)

DANICA: This isn’t real. This can’t be real.SNOW WHITE: You poor dear, you’re overwrought. Have something to

eat. (Offers up an apple.)DANICA: AHHHHHHHH!SNOW WHITE: No, this one’s clean. (DANICA passes out.)

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And if we fi nd the end is dead,We’re stuck without a key. Stuck without a key.

TERRY: (Sings, underscoring the following stanza.)Another day in high school… another day, another day.

REALITY CAST: (Sings.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.) One more day.Another day in high school. Another day, another

day.One more step in the dark. One more day.Another day in high school.

ALL: (Sing.) Another day in high school.One more swim with the sharks. (MUSIC OUT. ALL hurry OFF, talking and chattering. Everyone’s got someplace to be and no time to get there. Modern high school is controlled chaos, baby. TAG, SPATTER and RANDY, known as the TAGGERS, are CENTER STAGE. TAG has a can of spray paint.)

TAG: Did you see that? I totally tagged the gymnasium.SPATTER: Yes, you’ve raised graffi ti to a true art form.TAG: I know, right. Now everyone forevermore will know how I feel

about school.RANDY: You misspelled “sucks.”TAG: Art doesn’t have to be factually accurate.RANDY: Evidently.SPATTER: It’s a bold statement. And I like your choice of font. However,

the overall scope lacks the vision and scale of the true masters.RANDY: And it’s misspelled.TAG: Why don’t you just shut up, Randy? (They slump over to the lockers,

passing MELVIN, STAN and OPAL, who are on the fl oor playing their card game. SADIE, MERCY, CLEMENCY, BULL, SLIM, HAP and IRVING ENTER.)

SADIE: (Walks across STAGE and stops at the clot of NERDS. She could easily go around, but hey, this is Sadie.) Excuse you, this is the path I was totally like walking or whatever. (Summons her beau.) Bull.

BULL: (Steps forward and towers over the group.) What is this?HAP: I dunno.SLIM: I dunno.IRVING: Appears to be Yu-gi-oh, a trading card game of chance and

skill— (BULL elbows him and he goes stupid like the others.) I dunno.

BULL: You boys best move.

GABLE: (ENTERS.) Woodsman! (Shocked.) What are you doing? Get over here! (WOODSMAN hands DANICA over to PRINCE.)

CINDERELLA: Oh, no, you don’t. (Makes sure it’s HANSEL who gets DANICA. The FAIRY-TALE CAST sets her down, doting over the newcomer as WOODSMAN heads to GABLE.)

GABLE: Where are the stepsisters? And who’s that?WOODSMAN: They didn’t come back. (GABLE gasps.) And this is

Danica.GABLE: Oh, my goodness! You brought a real girl back instead of the

stepsisters? What’s wrong with you? You’ve got to get her back. I should’ve known not to trust an incidental character with a hero’s job.

WOODSMAN: But, sir—GABLE: Don’t argue with me. We have to have everybody back in

this world by real-time midnight or we’re all doomed. I’ll have to send a real hero. Oh, my goodness, who’s available? Where’s my list? (Goes rushing OFF. Defeated, WOODSMAN walks to the group around DANICA, who’s just now coming to.)

DANICA: (Finally believing.) But it’s all real!WOODSMAN: It doesn’t matter. We have to go. (Starts to gently lead

her OFFSTAGE. All the fi re has left him.)DANICA: But it’s real. This is reality.WOODSMAN: No, reality is where you live.ROSAMOND: You mean reality is real?WOODSMAN: Look, I’ve said enough. We’re going to go before I make

a bigger mess of things. (Leads DANICA OFFSTAGE.)ROSAMOND: The stories are falling apart.LITTLE RED: That means no heroes.CINDERELLA: Who’s going to rescue us?GABLE: (Comes nervously back IN.) Students. I’m looking for volunteers

for a special project. I might be in need of a hero. (No one steps forward. ROSAMOND, LITTLE RED and CINDERELLA look at each other then raise their hands.) That’s very amusing, ladies, but this is not the time for comic relief. We are in desperate need of a hero. (EXITS.)

CINDERELLA: Like you can count on a prince.ROSAMOND: Eh! Men. Some of them are like pigs.LITTLE RED: Really? That would explain so much. Except why they

have feet. Shouldn’t it just be hooves? Or whatever piggy feet are.ROSAMOND: It was metaphoric.

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on a trash can. It’s edgy and angry, the opposite of the opening fairy-tale number. MAGDA and PETRA are buffeted through the busy halls during the song. They end up on the sidelines, disoriented and watching.)

REALITY CAST: (Sings.)Bell rings on Monday morning, welcome to reality.Fate comes without a warning to change your destiny.We deal with parents, teachers, homework and college exams,The pressure builds, behind you cracks form in the dam.Another day in high school, one more cliff to scale.If you’re labeled uncool, there’s no way you can’t fail.Don’t know what tomorrow is bringing.Can’t see round the bend. TERRY: (Sings.) No no no no.Can’t hear which alarms are ringing.Can’t go back again. No no no no.Another day in high school.One more step in the dark.Another day in high school.Another day in high school.One more swim with the sharks.

GIRL: (Sings.) REALITY CAST: (Sings.)Make sure you fi nd your clique, Oooh ooh wah ooh.A place to call your home. Ooooh wah oooh.

TERRY: (Sings.) Be sure to think like they do, Ooooh wah oooh.It’s cold there on your own.

DANICA: (Sings.)Learn to test and not to learn. Oooh ooh wah ooh.It’s all about the grades. Ooooh wah oooh.

BOY: (Sings.)Don’t admit what you don’t know, Ooooh wah oooh.And you will have it made.

DANICA/BOY: (Sing.)Another day in high school, we face the dark unknown.

DANICA/TERRY/GIRL/BOY: (Sing.) And if we play by the rules,There’s rules we’re never shown.

REALITY CAST: (Sings.) SOLOIST: (Sings.)No idea what lies ahead. Oooh. Oooh.Can’t change what you can’t see. Can’t change what

you can’t see.

LITTLE RED: Well, I don’t know anything about astronomy.ROSAMOND: I have an idea. Let’s go talk to Gable. (They EXIT as the

LIGHTS FADE. CURTAIN. MUSIC CUE 5a: “Scene Change Music.”)End of Scene Eleven

Scene TwelveLIGHTS UP: We’re back outside the janitor’s closet, in front of the CURTAIN. LIGHTS FLICKER. The DOOR OPENS and DANICA and WOODSMAN step through. She’s on high octane juice. He’s lost, defeated and small.DANICA: That was amazing! That place was so… wow! And you…

you’re… I mean you’re—WOODSMAN: I’m an incidental. I’m a joke.DANICA: Not to me.WOODSMAN: No. It’s not enough.DANICA: What will be?WOODSMAN: I wanted to be a real hero.DANICA: What’s real, anyway? Your world? Mine? You ARE a hero. (He

begins to perk up. She takes his hand.) You’re MY hero.WOODSMAN: (Puffs his chest, rejuvenated.) Come on.DANICA: Where are we going?WOODSMAN: It’s not midnight yet. Maybe we can still defeat the

bad guys. (Goes rushing OFFSTAGE with DANICA. LIGHTS FADE as CURTAIN OPENS on next scene.)

End of Scene Twelve

Scene ThirteenCURTAIN UP: The high school dance with all Reality characters as well as MAGDA and PETRA. SOUND EFFECT: “Dance Music.” The stage is decorated with streamers, balloons, a disco ball—what have you. The platform is still onstage. STUDENTS dance. When the song ends, the STUDENTS clap. The PRINCIPAL steps forward.PRINCIPAL: Okay, students, this is what you’ve all been waiting for.

Time to announce the what? Starts with V. Vuh—vuh—votes. That’s right. Time to announce the new student council president. And here come the results. Gloria has a total of 17 votes. (Polite applause.) And Magda has a whopping 235 votes. (More forced cheering.) I guess, Magda, that makes you our new class—

WOODSMAN: (ENTERS.) Wait!PRINCIPAL: You.

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MIRROR: Yeah, kid, geez—what, you don’t know how this works? You rub me, you get a wish.

WOODSMAN: All right, I want you to— (Wham! MAGDA whacks WOODSMAN on the back of the head with a frying pan stashed behind the desk. SOUND EFFECT: FRYING PAN BONK. He goes down like a bag of hammers.)

PETRA: Where’d you get that?MAGDA: It’s always there when you need to whack somebody on the

head.PETRA: Mirror, we command you to take us to Re-al-ity.MIRROR: (Reluctant.) This is a very bad idea— (STEPSISTERS shoot

him nasty looks.) —but you asked for it! (STEPSISTERS step behind MIRROR. LIGHTS FLASH. MUSIC CUE 1e: “The Portal Opens.” STEPSISTERS scream. LIGHTS OUT.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeScreams continue in the DARK. LIGHTS COME UP and we fi nd ourselves in front of the CURTAIN while the set is being changed to the high school. We see a lone door with the word “JANITOR” on it. It bursts OPEN and MAGDA and PETRA come spilling IN onto the fl oor.MAGDA: Where are we? (Looks at the door.) What’s a Jan-EYE-tor?PETRA: Must be some foreign language.MAGDA: You mean they don’t speak English in Re-al-ity?MELVIN: (ENTERS with STAN and OPAL and passes the STEPSISTERS

while they trade Yu-gi-oh cards.) Okay, I’ll trade my Cyber Prima for your Flame Wingman.

STAN: Nah, that’s a tribute summon.MELVIN: Yeah, but with a fusion card he’s unbeatable.OPAL: Nosebleed. (MELVIN and STAN instantly have tissues ready. OPAL

takes them and holds them to her nose as they EXIT.)PETRA: Evidently not.MAGDA: Where are we? (To answer that question, the CURTAIN OPENS.

We’re in the middle of a high school. We can tell by the lockers and the big “SENIOR DANCE TONIGHT” sign on the wall.)

SHRIEK: (ENTERS, sees the STEPSISTERS.) Aahhhhh!MAGDA/PETRA: Aahhhhh! (SHRIEK EXITS as REALITY CAST ENTERS

from all directions—it’s passing period. MUSIC CUE 2: “Another Day in High School.” It starts with a simple fi nger snap. Then somebody else picks up the beat, slamming locker doors. Another STUDENT is banging a book on the ground, somebody else joins in, hammering

MAGDA: You.PETRA: You.SADIE: You.GLORIA: Who are you?WOODSMAN: The voting isn’t over.PRINCIPAL: Oh, yes it is, son, and you don’t belong here.WOODSMAN: No. But she does. (And he dramatically pulls DANICA

CENTER STAGE. Ooohs, ahhhhs, gasps from the CROWD.) What about her votes?

PRINCIPAL: She has been disqualifi ed from running. She doesn’t count.

DANICA: No, but my votes do. Just because I’m thrown out doesn’t mean my votes are. (Turns to the CROWD and makes an impassioned speech. MUSIC CUE 5b: “Danica’s Plea.”) I know a lot of you voted for me. And I know it was because you believed I could make the world a better place. I don’t know if I can save the world. Maybe that’s just too big a job. But I think maybe she can save the school. (Points to GLORIA.)

GLORIA: Me?DANICA: Have any of you been to her website? She has some really

good ideas on how to improve the school. I am asking everyone who voted for me to place your vote for Gloria Lincoln. Show of hands. Come on, let me see them. Get your hands up. Come on. (Slowly hands start to go up. APPLAUSE starts. BULL and his CRONIES threaten the CROWD.)

BULL: Put your hands down.SLIM: Put ’em down.HAP: Put ’em down.IRVING: (Stands silently. BULL and the GUYS glare at him.) I’m thinking.BULL: Her votes don’t count!STAN: Well, actually, they do. According to page seven of the student

rights handbook, votes of a disqualifi ed candidate can be transferred to another candidate.

GLORIA: Really?MELVIN: Yes.BULL: No! (Goes after STAN and MELVIN. The NERDS start to run. Aaach!)WOODSMAN: (Steps in.) Leave them alone.BULL: Who’s going to make me?WOODSMAN: I am.MELVIN: Yeah. He is. You are?

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Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: GABLE’S offi ce, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT. Nearby, MIRROR is asleep. WOODSMAN, PETRA and MAGDA are writing on personal chalkboards and mouthing to themselves, “I CANNOT CHANGE THE STORY” over and over. Petra shoves a fi nger into WOODSMAN’S chest and he backpedals into MIRROR, nearly knocking him over.WOODSMAN: Whoa, easy. You almost made me break the mirror.MAGDA: That would be bad luck.PETRA: Yeah, you’d have to stay yourself for another seven years. (She

and MAGDA laugh.)WOODSMAN: Look, it’s all smudgy. (Picks up a rag and starts to buff

the mirror. MUSIC CUE 1d: “Mirror Awakes.”)MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER and MIRROR starts to laugh like a child

being tickled. More and more until the voice booms.) Who dares awaken me?

WOODSMAN: Oh, my gosh. It’s a magic mirror.PETRA: Oh, magic mirror on the wall…MIRROR: I’m not on the wall, kid.MAGDA: Oh, magic mirror on the wheels, with the little leg things,

who’s the fairest of them all?MIRROR: Snow White. It’s always Snow White. Don’t you do your

homework?MAGDA: (Looks in the mirror.) I think I look pretty good.MIRROR: I take off ten pounds. Like a reverse camera.PETRA: What’s a camera?MIRROR: (Like, duh.) A camera. The picture-taking device. (No

response.) Digital photography? (No response.) Photoshop? The stuff they use to alter reality.

WOODSMAN: What’s reality?MIRROR: You don’t know about reality? (Then it hits him.) Oh, my

goodness, you don’t know about reality. Forget I mentioned it. Bye.PETRA: Wait. I demand you tell us about Re-al-ity.MIRROR: Please don’t. I could get into so much trouble—PETRA: You must do as I command.MIRROR: (Hating that he has to tell the truth.) It’s a place. Another

dimension. A land where the stories aren’t written. (WOODSMAN and the STEPSISTERS “oooh” in respect.) Where everyone has free will and can do what they want.

MAGDA: You mean we could be queens?WOODSMAN: Could you take me there?

WOODSMAN: I am.MELVIN: Ha! (Whispers.) What’s your name?WOODSMAN: It’s a long story.BULL: You think you’re enough to stop me?WOODSMAN: Yes. I think I’m enough.BULL: And what are you going to do?WOODSMAN: I’m going to distract you long enough for him to get a

count.PRINCIPAL: All right, I’ve tallied the new votes.BULL: What? NO!PRINCIPAL: By these counts, your new class president is Gloria

Lincoln.SADIE/BULL: Nooooooo! (Hoots and applause. GLORIA screams

as she’s carried around on shoulders. PRINCIPAL follows them OFFSTAGE, leaving the HEROES and VILLAINS to face off.)

MAGDA: You think this little election means anything? This is still my kingdom.

PETRA: Magda, come on, we’re beaten. We’re always beaten.MAGDA: Shut it, Petra.IRVING: Hey, you can’t talk to her that way. (Steps forward to protect

PETRA, who isn’t sure how to react to that.)BULL: Shut it, Irving.HAP: Yeah, shut it.SLIM: Yeah, shut it.IRVING: No. I’m tired of acting like a bully because I was dumb enough

to follow you guys.MAGDA: Silence. (Pulls out a hairpin and stabs IRVING in his

outstretched palm.)IRVING: Ow! (Crumples in pain.)PETRA: Irving! Magda, what did you do?MAGDA: Just a little poison. If you’re so afraid of it, then stay out of my

way. There’s a bigger world than just this school.WOODSMAN: You won’t succeed.MAGDA: Who’s going to stop me? YOU?! (Laughs dismissively.)WOODSMAN: No. They are. (Points, MAGDA looks and the LIGHTS

SHIFT to a SPOTLIGHT on CINDERELLA, ROSAMOND and LITTLE RED, who each strike a pose.)

ENTIRE CAST: (Strikes a chord in three-part harmony, like the sound of the sun bursting through a cloudy day [or substitute some other appropriate sound effect].) Aahhhhhhh! (LIGHTS SHIFT back to

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GABLE: —everyone has a place in the story. Why, you have several. Don’t you help out Little Red? And you take Snow White into the forest? And Hansel and Gretel? You chop wood for Rosamond. How many stories do you need, boy?

WOODSMAN: But I don’t really do anything. I want to be… (Big dramatic pause. MUSIC CUE 1c: “Hero’s Fanfare.”) …a hero. (Laughs from the STUDENTS.) The hero of my own story. (More laughs.)

GABLE: You don’t have your own story.WOODSMAN: Why not? Why do I have to do what’s written? (ALL gasp.)PETRA: Hey. Wait a second. Maybe we don’t have to be hated?MAGDA: Not that we mind being hated.PETRA: Completely fi ne with it.MAGDA: Hate away.WOODSMAN: But you don’t have to be hated. You could have a choice.

(To LITTLE RED.) You don’t have to be so gullible.LITTLE RED: I’m not gullible.JACK HORNER: You thought a wolf was your granny.LITTLE RED: He was wearing glasses.WOODSMAN: (As ROSAMOND wakes up.) And Rosamond wouldn’t

have to be so helpless and needy.ROSAMOND: Oh, I’m not helpless. (To HANSEL.) Tell him I’m not

helpless—you’re a boy, he’ll listen to you.WOODSMAN: (To HANSEL and GRETEL.) You don’t have to have

navigation problems. You could control your sweet tooth.PETRA: You mean we don’t have to be wicked stepsisters?MAGDA: We could be evil queens.GABLE: No, no, no.WOODSMAN: We could all be what we want to be— (The CLASS

explodes into ad-libs about this, i.e., “I always wanted to be a ballerina.” Maybe they can change things. Maybe not. It builds into a shouting match.)

GABLE: That’s it! (To WOODSMAN, PETRA and MAGDA.) You’ve disrupted my class. You three. Stay after school! (ALL gasp and stare at MAGDA, PETRA and WOODSMAN.) Class dismissed! STUDENTS EXIT as LIGHTS FADE. MAGDA, PETRA and WOODSMAN move EXTREME DOWN RIGHT, sit in chairs and put on dunce caps for next scene.)

End of Scene One

normal and the THREE strut INTO the scene, all attitude. ROSAMOND has a sword. ALL ONSTAGE are open-jawed, in different tones of bug-eyed awe and disbelief at these THREE FAIRY-TALERS.)

LITTLE RED: (With a tinge of irony.) My what big mouths you have!PETRA/MAGDA: Cinderella?!MAGDA: What do you think you’re doing?CINDERELLA: Oh, we just got a little tired of waiting for a prince to

come save the day.LITTLE RED: We decided to take matters into our own hands. Change

the story up a bit.ROSAMOND: It was becoming a total snooze fest.CINDERELLA: Magda, Petra… you’re coming with us.MAGDA: Ha! Do you see this, Petra? These pathetic little imps think

they have some sort of power. Cinderella, take your little friends and go home. There’s housework to be done.

CINDERELLA: Oh, Magda. You’re so right. A woman’s work is never done, is it, ladies? (Looks to LITTLE RED and ROSAMOND, who nod their heads. CINDERELLA turns back to MAGDA and Boom! She decks her with a good right cross. MAGDA goes down and CINDERELLA grabs her by the hair.)

LITTLE RED: (Snags PETRA from behind.) My, what an evil sister you have.

PETRA: Tell me about it. (ROSAMOND tosses the sword to WOODSMAN, who catches it and brandishes it pretty well.)

WOODSMAN: The rest of you, be gone! (SADIE and her GANG and BULL and his CRONIES scatter OFFSTAGE, completely confused. IRVING is left behind, on his knees clutching his injured hand.)

ROSAMOND: (Kneels before IRVING.) Oh, my dearest dear. Are you all right? Here, drink this poison antidote. (Pulls out a vial and hands it over.) We can’t all wait around for a hundred years for some prince to come kiss us. Those days are so over.

CINDERELLA: It’s princess time! (To WOODSMAN.) You want to take them back? Get the credit? Make a good story?

WOODSMAN: But I didn’t do it.CINDERELLA: No one would have to know.WOODSMAN: I would.CINDERELLA: Then let’s go. (They drag MAGDA, kicking and screaming,

by the hair. LITTLE RED has PETRA in her clutches. EVERYONE EXITS. MUSIC CUE 5c: “Scene Change Music.” The CURTAIN DROPS and LIGHTS TRANSFER.)

End of Scene Thirteen

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LITTLE RED: (Loud.) My, what a big “here” I’m saying.GABLE: Cinderella?CINDERELLA: Here.MAGDA: (Coughs into her fi st.) Snob.PETRA: (Coughs, too.) Stuck up.GABLE: Enough, ladies. Moving on to villains. Rumpelstiltskin?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How’d you know my name? Who told you?GABLE: Wicked stepsisters?MAGDA: Excuse me. It’s Magda.PETRA: And Petrazula. Thank you.GABLE: Thank you. Okay, incidental characters. Woodsman?

Woodsman? (No answer. Spots him in the back of the room.) Woodsman. Why didn’t you answer?

WOODSMAN: I’m sorry. I was just thinking. Why don’t I have a name?GABLE: You do. Woodsman.WOODSMAN: No, that’s what I do. It’s not a name.GABLE: We all know you as Woodsman. We have for years. Last year.

The year before.RAPUNZEL: Ooh. Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: And the year before?GABLE: You see?WOODSMAN: But why am I just Woodsman? Everyone else has a

name. Goldilocks. Rapunzel. Even the Sleeping Beauty is called Rosamond. (MUSIC CUE 1b: “Rosamond 2.”)

ROSAMOND: Oh, that’s awfully kind of you about the beauty part. But I’m not sure about the sleeping. I don’t sleep that much.

WOODSMAN: (Holds out his pencil.) Is my pencil sharp?ROSAMOND: Well let’s s— (Touches the point with her fi nger. Boom! She

instantly falls asleep, dropping to the fl oor like a sack of potatoes.)WOODSMAN: She pricks her fi nger on anything and she’s narcoleptic.

But even she has a name.GABLE: Well, we all have a place here. That’s what makes our world so

wonderful. Everybody knows his or her place within the great story.WOODSMAN: What if I want to change it? (ALL gasp in shock. This is

the worst form of blasphemy.)GABLE: Listen to me, Woodsman—WOODSMAN: That’s not a name.

Scene FourteenOutside the janitor’s closet in reality, in front of the curtain again. SOUND EFFECT: CLOCK STRIKING MIDNIGHT as CINDERELLA, LITTLE RED, ROSAMOND, WOODSMAN, PETRA, MAGDA, IRVING and DANICA ENTER.CINDERELLA: Midnight. We have to go. See you at home. (Drags

MAGDA OUT through the door. BONG.)LITTLE RED: We have to go.PETRA: No. We have plenty of time.ROSAMOND: No.PETRA: (To IRVING.) I’m sorry. I didn’t know. (BONG.)IRVING: Yeah, me either.PETRA: I wish…IRVING: Me too.LITTLE RED: My, what a big shame it is. Let’s go. (BONG. She and

PETRA step OUT through the door, leaving ROSAMOND, IRVING, DANICA and WOODSMAN ONSTAGE.)

WOODSMAN: Well, I guess this is good-bye.DANICA: I guess.WOODSMAN: I think you’re… I think… well, anyway. (Turns for the door.

BONG. Just before he vanishes.)DANICA: Don’t go.WOODSMAN: What?DANICA: Stay. Here. With me.WOODSMAN: Really?DANICA: Yes.WOODSMAN: Is that what you want?DANICA: More than anything ever.ROSAMOND: Woodsman, you can’t. (BONG.)DANICA: Yes, he can.ROSAMOND: No.DANICA: I’ve seen what they think of you over there. Here you’re not

an incidental. Here you can be whatever you want. Stay. Please. (BONG. WOODSMAN scoops her up and swings her around.)

ROSAMOND: You can’t stay. Our world will be destroyed without you. You DO have a place in the story. Please… come.

DANICA: Please stay. (BONG. It’s a tense moment for him, then he pulls out of the hug with DANICA and looks her in the eyes.)

WOODSMAN: I’d give up everything that’s mine to stay. But I can’t give up everything that’s theirs. I have to go. (BONG.)

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air is sweet, the birds are chirping and all the forest animals have helped me with all my chores.

GABLE: Good morning, glories.STUDENTS: Good morning, Headmaster.GABLE: Everyone, please take your seats. (They do.) Welcome to a

brand-new school year. (STUDENTS cheer.) I’m sure that this year will be just like last year.

GABLE/THE CLASS: And the year before. And the year before.RAPUNZEL: (Raises her hand.) Ooh. Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: And the year before?GABLE: Of course. Okay, my little sitting ducks, time to take roll. (Reads

from the class register.) Let’s start with our princesses.RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh.GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: Yay.GABLE: Yay, indeed. Okay, Rapunzel is present. Rosamond?ROSAMOND: Here.GABLE: Snow White?SNOW WHITE: Here.GABLE: Very good. Moving on to heroes. Prince Charming?PRINCE: Here. I like your hair that way.GABLE: Thank you. Hansel?HANSEL: Guten tag.GABLE: Jack Horner?JACK HORNER: Yo. (Gives a thumbs up with a plum stuck on his thumb.)GABLE: Let’s see about our ingénues. Gretel?GRETEL: Here.GABLE: Jill?JILL: Here.GABLE: Where’s your brother?JILL: He had to see a man about a pail.GABLE: Mary Mary Quite Contrary?MARY MARY: No I’m not.GABLE: Goldilocks?GOLDILOCKS: Here. No, that’s too common. Present. No, that’s too

impersonal. Hello. Yes, that’s just right.GABLE: Little Red?

DANICA: Even if you go, no one will know. Nobody will ever even know who or what you are.

IRVING: Yes, they will. I’ll write it. I’ll write your story.WOODSMAN: You?IRVING: Hey, I might not be the Grimms or Hans Christian Andersen,

but I have a way with words and there’s always the Internet. (BONG.)ROSAMOND: Woodsman.DANICA: That’s not his name.ROSAMOND: He has none.DANICA: He does in this story, sister. (BONG.) Finn. It’s Gaelic. It

means hero. (They look into each other’s eyes and touch hands. BONG.)

ROSAMOND: Finn. (Reluctantly our hero backs away, still holding DANICA’S hand. Their fi ngers still reach for each other even after the break. BONG. Then ROSAMOND and WOODSMAN step through the door. IRVING EXITS. MUSIC CUE 5d: “The Exit.” LIGHTS FLASH. LIGHTS FADE, leaving DANICA alone ONSTAGE in her own little POOL OF LIGHT, which FADES OUT. The stage clears in the blackness and DANICA slips through the curtain to make a quick and simple costume change (perhaps removing a layer). A SMALL POOL OF LIGHT SLOWLY RISES along with the CURTAIN, signaling a new day. DANICA is now UP CENTER. The STAGE is bare except for a platform UP CENTER, which DANICA is standing on. GLORIA ENTERS. She’s dressed in her everyday clothes. She’s fumbling with her ever-present index cards.)

GLORIA: Hey… ummmmm… (Reads from her cards.) Exciting, yesterday was.

DANICA: Yeah, Yoda, it was.GLORIA: Sorry, I got my cards mixed up. (Shuffl es madly.) Yesterday

was… exciting. Thanks for getting me elected.DANICA: I think you’re going to be great.GLORIA: Will you help?DANICA: (Liking that.) I could maybe throw out the odd suggestion.GLORIA: No, I have lots of those. I need some GOOD suggestions.

(SHRIEK comes rushing ONSTAGE toward them. The GIRLS FREEZE, afraid he might scream again.)

SHRIEK: I am deeply pleased at the unexpected results of this election. (Walks OFF. The GIRLS do a double take.)

DANICA: Okay, let me hear your acceptance speech. (GLORIA rifl es through the cards, trying to put them in order.) No, no, forget the cards. Just be yourself.

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PRINCE/CINDERELLA: (Sing.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.)Our sweetness can make you sick Ahhhhhh ahWhen you hear the choir. Ahhhhhh

LITTLE RED: (Sings.) Ahh ahhhhhhhh! (FAIRY-TALE CAST splits into two groups.)

GROUP 1: (Sings.) Every day is full of adventure,A journey we’ve taken before.

GROUP 2: (Sings.) We’ve done before.GROUP 1: (Sings.) There’s no way the story can amend.GROUP 2: (Sings.) Can amend.GROUP 1: (Sings.) GROUP 2: (Sings.)

When evil queens become eviler, Ooooh.’Long as you remain a believer,

ALL: (Sing.) It’s happily ever after once again.Happily ever after once again. (Song ends with GABLE ringing one of those old-fashioned triangles. It’s a fairy-tale school bell. STUDENTS scatter and begin to pull books from old-fashioned knapsacks on sticks or from belts that hold them together. WOODSMAN is alone at the back of the room, a hatchet slung through his belt. CINDERELLA is carrying a heavy load of books. PRINCE admires himself in a hand mirror.)

GOLDILOCKS: (Sits in a chair.) This chair is too hard. (Tries another chair.) This chair is too soft. (Finds another.) Ahhhh, just right.

MAGDA: (Moves CENTER with PETRA and CINDERELLA.) Cinderella, where are my books?

CINDERELLA: I have them right here, Magdalena. (Gives her the books. Pause.) You are most kindly welcome.

PETRA: What now?CINDERELLA: Oh, I noticed Magda must’ve forgotten to thank me, but

I wanted her to know she is mostly kindly welcome. (Starts to settle into a chair.)

MAGDA: And what do you think you are doing, pray?CINDERELLA: Just getting ready for class.PETRA: This section is for the fairest of them all. The scullery section

is yonder.MAGDA: Scull! Scull, scull, scull. (Dejectedly, CINDERELLA goes to the

far side of class while MAGDA and PETRA fl ank GOLDILOCKS. They literally throw GOLDILOCKS out of the chair and MAGDA sits.)

ROSAMOND: (Comes fl itting over into the room. MUSIC CUE 1a: “Rosamond 1.”) Oh, isn’t it a beautiful day. A most perfect day. The

GLORIA: But I’m nobody.DANICA: Nobody’s nobody.GLORIA: I need it written down. I need to know what’s supposed to

happen next. I can’t just make stuff up.DANICA: Sure you can.GLORIA: But that’s not real.DANICA: You’d be surprised. It’s just imagination. Believe and let the

story unfold.GLORIA: (Closes her eyes and tries.) My fellow students. Today is the

dawn… (Her voice fades as GABLE’S rises. DANICA nods, pleased. LIGHTS FADE on the TWO GIRLS and come up on the other half of the stage. [At some point during the following dialogue, REALITY HIGH SCHOOLERS ENTER in the darkness.] WOODSMAN is standing UP CENTER also on the platform. GABLE is beside him. The FAIRY-TALE CHARACTERS are standing beneath, GABLE is in mid-speech.)

GABLE: …of a new day. Oh, my goodness. And what a new day. Mirror? (MIRROR is rolled out. GABLE turns to WOODSMAN.) Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, you can have anything. Your own story. Anything.

WOODSMAN: This IS my wish.GABLE: Very well, then. (Looks at MIRROR.) Mirror, you’re free. (LIGHTS

FLASH. MUSIC CUE 5e: “The Mirror is Free.”)MIRROR: (Steps out of the mirror frame. To WOODSMAN.) I’m free. I’m

free! This is me. I’ve got legs. I can jump. Oh, feet. I can run! (Does, turning sharp and running right into the frame of the mirror, knocking himself cold. He hits the fl oor, prone.)

GABLE: Not very well, evidently. Oh, goodness me.ROSAMOND: Three cheers for Finn!FAIRY-TALE CAST: Hip hip…. (Now LIGHTS COME UP on the other side

of the stage and the HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS complete the cheer. Both sides of the stage are partying down. The HIGH SCHOOLERS for the new high school president, the FAIRY TALERS for their new heroes.)

ENSEMBLE: …Hooray! (The two scenes go on simultaneously, neither aware of the other.)

BULL: (Runs over and grabs GLORIA, pleading.) You can’t do this to me.GLORIA: Actually, I can. Article 17, paragraph four. Class presidents

can proclaim punishment on fellow students.BULL: I don’t want to do this. Expel me. Beat me. Stick needles in my

eyes. Anything but this.

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BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

Scene OneWe open in a fairy-tale classroom. Our favorite fairy-tale characters are doing fairy-tale things. MUSIC CUE 1: “Happily Ever After.”FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Once upon a time every morning,

That’s just the fairy-tale way…CINDERELLA: (Sings.) Our godmothers grant all our wishes.ROSAMOND: (Sings.) Forest creatures help with the dishes.GIRLS: (Sing.) Princes come to us someday. (RAPUNZEL sighs.)FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Today is just like tomorrow,

The same as each yesterday.PRINCE: (Sings.) Where a prince is ever so charming. (RAPUNZEL

giggles.)GUYS: (Sing.) And the death rate’s oh so alarming.RAPUNZEL: (Squeals.) Oooh.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s all make-believe anyway.

Every day is full of adventure,A journey into the known.We already know how it will end.Even when hope’s growing much dimmer,The brothers’ tale is turning much grimmer,It’s happily ever after once again!Each day is better than perfect,Here straw gets spun into gold.

CINDERELLA: (Sings.) Marriage vows are made with glass slippers.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Emperors are turned into strippers.RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Yuck.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s just how the tale unfolds.

Every day is full of adventure,A journey into the known.

SOLOISTS: (Sing.) Into the known.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) We already know how it will end.SOLOISTS: (Sing.) Know how it will end.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Everybody knows what their niche is…

Heroes, villains or evil witchesFind happily ever after once again.

PRINCE: (Sings.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.)Our world is full of music. Ahhhh ahh ahhOur dreams can take you higher. Ahhhh ahh ahh

STAN: There he is! (BULL goes running OFF. STAN and MELVIN give chase.)

MELVIN: Bullll! Lord Kaiba has to stand and fi ght the wizards of Gorlack. Come back!

STAN: Yeah, guy. Be fun!BULL: (RE-ENTERS and races OFF the other direction with the NERDS

in pursuit.) Nosebleed! (DANICA and GLORIA cross to IRVING, who has ENTERS with HAP and SLIM, now his henchmen, on his heels. Meanwhile, PRINCE crosses to CINDERELLA. The tables have turned for PRINCE.)

PRINCE: I could have gone into reality. I could’ve been a hero. And I’m charming. So what’s the deal?

CINDERELLA: It’s not you. It’s me. (Pats his shoulder and walks away just as PETRA crosses to her.)

PETRA: Irving. Don’t you think that’s a hero’s name? Irving the Invincible. Or Irving the Incredible.

MAGDA: (ENTERS with a mop and bucket.) How about Irving the Ignoramus?

PETRA: (Wheels on her.) What are you doing? Did you fi nish cleaning the bathroom? I want to see myself in that chamber pot.

MAGDA: I’m not your slave. You can’t make me—ahh! (Runs OFF, chased by PETRA.)

CINDERELLA: Classic. (They recede while IRVING, DANICA and GLORIA cross.)

DANICA: The fi rst draft was pretty good.HAP: Yeah.SLIM: Yeah.IRVING: You don’t have to like everything I do. I want your real opinion.HAP: Loved it.SLIM: Loved it.IRVING: Ach. Is that what you really think? Or are you just trying to

please me?GLORIA: I thought it was a great story.SLIM: Great.HAP: Awesome.IRVING: Stop that!DANICA: Except for the ending.IRVING: See? Thank you. An honest answer—wait. What’s wrong with

the ending? ’Cause I can rewrite it. Spice it up a bit. What do you think?

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SLIM: Perfect.HAP: Great.IRVING: Quit liking everything I do!HAP: Okay.SLIM: Okay. (SLIM and HAP EXIT, following a frustrated IRVING.)GLORIA: So what was wrong with the ending?DANICA: The princess doesn’t get her prince. (WOODSMAN steps

forward and walks over to ROSAMOND and GOLDILOCKS.)GLORIA: You miss him?DANICA: Only every minute.ROSAMOND: (To WOODSMAN.) You gonna be okay?DANICA/WOODSMAN: (No.) Yeah. (They both do a double take, as if

they heard each other. ROSAMOND and GLORIA start to leave, each to the opposite side of the theater.)

DANICA/WOODSMAN: I’ll be right there. (MUSIC CUE 6: “Best of Both Worlds.” Both put their hands up to the imaginary wall that divides their worlds, neither able to touch each other.)

DANICA: (Speaks.) I wish you could hear me.WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) I wish you could know what you’ve done.DANICA/WOODSMAN: (Speak.) You saved me.WOODSMAN: (Sings.) What happens now?

Don’t know howTo be the hero we need.Maybe it’s timeTo change my mindAnd change my reality.’Cause I’m not defi ned by who I amOr the rules that hold me down.When I saw your eyes, felt I could fl y!I knew… I knew I’d fi nally foundBest of both worlds…(The two are singing to each other, but unaware of each other.)

DANICA: (Sings.) Yesterday I was a maid.A scared and frightened girl.Now today I’m not afraid.I know we can change the worlds.I found myself in make-believe,Where dreams can ring with laughter.’Cause if you believe past what you see,There’s a world of endless ever afters. (Now BOTH CASTS are ONSTAGE, but oblivious to the other world.)

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

TRACK MC SONG TITLE SINGERS PAGE

1 MC 1 Happily Ever After Fairy -Tale Cast 12 MC 1a Rosamond 1 Instrumental 23 MC 1b Rosamond 2 Instrumental 44 MC 1c Hero’s Fanfare Instrumental 55 MC 1d Mirror Awakes Instrumental 66 MC 1e The Portal Opens Instrumental 7

7 MC 2 Another Day in High School Reality Cast 7

8 MC 2a Scene Change Music Instrumental 129 MC 2b Enter the Mean Queens Instrumental 14

10 MC 3 Queen of Mean Magda, Petra, Sadie, her Gang 15

11 MC 3a Danica/Woodsman Connection 1 Instrumental 17

12 MC 3b Danica/Woodsman Connection 2 Instrumental 18

13 MC 3c Scene Change Music Instrumental 1814 MC 3d Rosamond 3 Instrumental 1915 MC 3e Scene Change Music Instrumental 19

16 MC 4 Save the DayWoodsman, Danica, Terry, Reality Chorus

20

17 MC 4a Danica/Woodsman Connection 3 Instrumental 22

18 MC 4b Scene Change Music Instrumental 2319 MC 4c Scene Change Music Instrumental 2420 MC 4d Freedom Rises Instrumental 2521 MC 4e Scene Change Music Instrumental 26

22 MC 4f The Chase (and Portal Opens) Instrumental 28

23 MC 4g Scene Change Music Instrumental 2824 MC 4h Rosamond 4 Instrumental 2925 MC 5 Sky Is Falling Fairy -Tale Cast 2926 MC 5a Scene Change Music Instrumental 3327 SFX Dance Music Instrumental 3328 MC 5b Danica’s Plea Instrumental 3429 MC 5c Scene Change Music Instrumental 36

30 MC 5d The Exit (and Portal Opens) Instrumental 38

31 MC 5e The Mirror is Free Instrumental 3932 MC 6 Best of Both Worlds Ensemble 41

33 MC 6a Curtain Call/Exit Music Instrumental 43

BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds…FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)

…where the old fables become mysteries.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds…REALITY CAST: (Sings.) Where the cold hard truth fi nds fantasy.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) We tell our own tales.

We can taste the great unknown.REALITY CAST: (Sings.) We can fi nd our own grails.

There’s more to this life than we’ve ever been shown.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) Best of both worlds. (Now here’s a cool thing

if you happen to be using EXTRAS in the reality cast. GROUPS from both worlds occupy the same stage space. So the REALITY CHEERLEADERS are grouped with the PRINCESSES. The REALITY JOCKS share the same stage area as the PRINCES. The VILLAINS from both worlds all together. Life isn’t so far off from make-believe.)

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.)The world is turning, we’re fi nally learningA plot twist with every page.

PETRA: (Sings.) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-oh.REALITY CAST: (Sings.)

The clouds are leaving ’cause we’re believingThis world is only a cage.There’s another place beyond our viewWhere rainbows never fade.

TERRY: (Sings) Oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The rules that we’ve been shackled to

Are just the ones that we have made. (During this, WOODSMAN fades OFFSTAGE.)

BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds!REALITY CAST: (Sings.)

Where we’re not too old for make-believe.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds.FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The story’s what we choose to weave.

You can fi nd true romance,Find out who you really are.

REALITY CAST: (Sings.) If you can take a chance,It’s straight on till mornin’ from that second star.

FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Best of both…BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) …worlds.

Best of both worlds.Best of both worlds.

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A platform UPSTAGE can be used throughout the play to add visual variety. For instance, with the addition of chairs and tables or desks, it can become the high school detention hall. For the high school dance scene, the platform might be decorated with streamers, a disco ball, etc.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENESScene One: Classroom in fairy-tale land, once upon a time.Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce in fairy-tale land, after school that day.Scene Three: High school hallway near the janitor’s closet in reality

(played in front of the curtain), one Friday morning.Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce in fairy-tale land, the same day.Scene Five: High school hallway, still that Friday.Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom, a couple days later as fairy-tale time

goes.Scene Seven: High school hallway, later that Friday.Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom, another new day.Scene Nine: High school detention room, still Friday afternoon.Scene Ten: High school hallway, the same.Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom, later that day.Scene Twelve: High school hallway near the janitor’s closet (played in

front of the curtain), later Friday.Scene Thirteen: High school dance, Friday night.Scene Fourteen: Near the janitor’s closet in reality; then a split stage

showing both the fairy-tale classroom and the high school hallway.

Best of both worlds. (Now WOODSMAN REAPPEARS, right behind DANICA, in her world.)

WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) Hi.DANICA: (Turns and sees him.) You’re here! (He opens his arms and she

hugs him, then looks into his eyes. Speaks.) My hero.BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) Best of both worlds! (LIGHTS FADE, CURTAIN.)

END OF MUSICALMUSIC CUE 6a: “Curtain Call/Exit Music.”

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MERCY .....................................head of the department of 9redundancy department

CLEMENCY ...............................annoyed by Mercy 12BULL ........................................mean dude 20HAP ..........................................Bull’s crony 13SLIM ........................................another crony 13IRVING......................................another, but thinks for himself 22TAG ..........................................student graffi ti artist 4SPATTER ...................................student fi ne artist 2RANDY .....................................snarky student art critic 3MELVIN .....................................nerd 6STAN ........................................his nerd buddy 4OPAL ........................................his other nerd buddy 3SHRIEK ....................................everything freaks him out 4TERRY ......................................detention detainee 8TJ.............................................Terry’s cohort 4PRINCIPAL LEWIS ......................wants students to like him but 23

his style repels themOPTIONAL CHORUS ...................as DETENTION DETAINEES,

MEAN GIRLS, NERDS, CHEERLEADERS, JOCKS, etc.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGSeveral characters can be played male or female, including MIRROR, RUMPELSTILTSKIN, GABLE, TERRY, TJ, TAG, SPATTER, RANDY, MELVIN, STAN, OPAL and PRINCIPAL LEWIS.

SET DESCRIPTIONThe set represents two different worlds: fairy-tale land and reality at Validity High School. While our story bounces back and forth between the two, set changes are a snap if you have a distinct backdrop for each.

The fairy-tale classroom set has old-fashioned chairs or benches CENTER STAGE to represent a classroom. The headmaster’s offi ce can be represented EXTREME DOWN RIGHT with a desk and chair, three more chairs and a large mirror frame (see costuming production notes).

The reality set for Validity High School shows the main hallway CENTER STAGE, represented by a set of lockers and a sign that reads “SENIOR DANCE TONIGHT.” The high school principal’s offi ce can be depicted EXTREME DOWN LEFT with a desk and two chairs. Another hallway leading to the janitor’s closet is played before the curtain and only requires a self-standing door frame with a door labeled “JANITOR.”

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE, Scene One: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Triangle (GABLE)Pencil (WOODSMAN)Plum (JACK HORNER)Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS)Hand mirror (PRINCE)Extra books (CINDERELLA)Class register (GABLE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce set, rag, frying pan, chalk, personal chalkboards, three dunce caps.

ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Janitor’s closet door frame, high school hallway set, trash can.

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Yu-gi-oh cards, tissues (STAN, MELVIN)Can of spray paint (TAG)Books, notebooks, backpacks (REALITY CAST)Stack of index cards (GLORIA)

ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce set.ONSTAGE, Scene Five: High school hallway set, ballot box on table,

board game.BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:

Ballot forms (SADIE, DANICA)ONSTAGE, Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene Six:

Triangle (GABLE)Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS)Pencil (RUMPELSTILTSKIN)

ONSTAGE, Scene Seven: High school hallway set (with hatchet in locker).

BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven:Ballot forms (DANICA)

ONSTAGE, Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight:

Triangle (GABLE)Crutches, head bandage (LITTLE RED)

ONSTAGE, Scene Nine: High school detention room with desks, chairs.

For preview only

ii 45

BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

Book by FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUSMusic by DENNIS POORE

Lyrics by FLIP KOBLER

CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines

FAIRY-TALE CASTWOODSMAN .............................wants to be a hero 131CINDERELLA .............................in love with the prince 36MAGDA .....................................Cinderella’s wicked stepsister 63PETRA ......................................her other wicked stepsister; 52

not quite as mean as MagdaROSAMOND ..............................the sleeping beauty 27PRINCE CHARMING ...................in love with Cinderella 17LITTLE RED ...............................the one with the riding hood 27GOLDILOCKS ............................picky porridge-eater 4SNOW WHITE ............................the fairest of them all 10HANSEL ....................................not a crummy guy 6JACK HORNER ...........................gives fruit a thumbs up 3GRETEL ....................................has a thing for gingerbread 8RUMPELSTILTSKIN ....................say his name, say his name 6RAPUNZEL ................................has lots of hair 22JILL ..........................................Jack’s non-truant sister 5MARY MARY ..............................quite contrary 4GABLE ......................................headmaster of fairy-tale school 59MIRROR ....................................punished for crossing over into 17

realityOPTIONAL CHORUS ...................for example, MARY and her

lamb, PINNOCHIO, GEPPETO,BO PEEP, TOM THUMB, PIED PIPER, other PRINCES, VILLAINS, etc.

REALITY CASTDANICA.....................................hard-core realist running for 117

class presidentGLORIA .....................................shy, awkward candidate for 21

class presidentSADIE .......................................mean girl 43

BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine:Tissues (OPAL)

ONSTAGE, Scene Ten: High school hallway set.ONSTAGE, Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom set.BROUGHT ON, Scene Eleven:

Pail (JILL)Fruits stuck on his fi ngers (JACK HORNER)Finger bandages (ROSAMOND)Apple (SNOW WHITE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Twelve: Janitor’s closet door frame.ONSTAGE, Scene Thirteen: High school dance decorations including

banners, streamers, balloons, disco ball.BROUGHT ON, Scene Thirteen:

Hairpin (MAGDA)Sword, vial of antidote (ROSAMOND)

ONSTAGE, Scene Fourteen: One platform that fi lls the entire stage.BROUGHT ON, Scene Fourteen:

Stack of index cards (GLORIA)Mop and bucket (MAGDA)

SOUND EFFECTSFrying pan bonk, clock-tower chimes striking midnight. Since these sound effects are best performed live, most are not included on the CD. In the song, “Sky is Falling,” however, there are various sound effects included on the recording: slide whistle, crash, echoing voice, wolf whistle, pig snort, paper ripping, insane giggle, toilet fl ushing, cartoony slipping sound, cartoony “woogity” sound. If you’re not using the recording, all of these sound effects are optional.

COSTUMESThe REALITY CAST should be clad in typical modern-day dress appropriate to each character’s role. Dress the FAIRY-TALE CAST according to the traditional tales. WOODSMAN carries a small hatchet in his belt. In Scene Five, MAGDA and PETRA are dressed in modern, stylish clothes, including sunglasses. MAGDA now sports a stylish tiara. In Scene Eight, LITTLE RED needs to be wearing bandages and walking with crutches. Later in Scene Eleven, ROSAMOND should have bandages around her fi ngers. In Scene Thirteen, CINDERELLA, LITTLE RED and ROSAMOND are dressed more modernly, having broken the bonds of their traditional roles.

For preview only

Book by Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus

Music by Dennis Poore

Lyrics by Flip Kobler

© Copyright 2009, under the title of “Mirror Image,”

by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwrights and composer/arranger3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

The mirror frame can be a decorated fl at or ornamental full-size mirror with a hole or notch cut near the top for the actor’s face. Paint the actor’s face to match the gilding of the mirror. In the musical’s fi nal scene, the MIRROR’S clothing can match the makeup when the character emerges from the mirror frame.

FOR A SIMPLER PRODUCTIONTo streamline your production, you may burn a customized production CD eliminating the incidental music you are not using. Also, you may choose to not perform the more complicated back-up vocals in various songs. Make the musical your own with whatever tricks you have up your creative sleeve!

46 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

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