BLESS YOU ALL! · Check switches hands. Two men push each other’s hands away and wrestle the respective bills back into each other’s pocket. Waiter is confused; now no bills

BLESS YOU ALL!

Sketches by

ARNOLD AUERBACH

Music and Lyrics by

HAROLD ROME

Directed by

BEN WEST

Rehearsal Draft

Aug. 7, 2013

UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.

P.O. Box 722

New York, New York 10159

© Auerbach/Rome www.unsungmusicals.org

CHARACTERS

Woman 1 (Entertainer)

Woman 2 (Supper Club Chanteuse)

Woman 3 (Singing Comic)

Woman 4 (Diva)

Woman 5 (Dance Specialty)

Man 1 (Dance Duo)

Man 2 (Dance Duo)

Man 3 (Top Banana)

Man 4 (Top Banana)

Man 5 (Second Banana)

Man 6 (Entertainer)

SKETCHES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS

“Bless You All” ....................................... W1, M1 & M2

I’ll Take the Check ................................... M3, M4 & M5

“When?” ........................................................ W4

“Summer Dresses” .......................................... M6 & W5

“Love Letter to Manhattan” ............................ W2, M1 & M2

Justice on the Lam .................................... M3, M4 & M5

“Bless You All” Reprise ............................... W1, M1 & M2

“A Rose is a Rose” ............................................. M6

“I Can Hear It Now” ............................................ W2

Southern Fried Chekhov ................................ M3, W3 & W1

“Don’t Wanna Write About the South” ................... M3, W3 & W1

T.V. Over the White House

“Love That Man!” ............................... W5, M4, M1 & M2

“Voting Blues” .............................................. W4

“Just a Little White House” ............................ M4 & W3

“Love That Man!” Reprise ............................... M1 & M2

“Take Off the Coat” ................................... W2, M6 & W5

“The Roaring Twenties Strike Back” .................... W1, M1 & M2

Without Reservations ..................... M3, M4, M5, W3 & Company

“You Never Know What Hit You” .................................. W4

Finale ................................................ W1, M1 & M2

BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 1

© Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.

BLESS YOU ALL

Whistle blows. Music launches into title

song as three performers bound onto the

stage. The house lights simultaneously bump

out. We should slam into the top of the

show with no blackout. The three performers

do a brief dance and then launch into the

lyric. This should be an exciting, full-

throttle, vaudevillian opening.

WOMAN ONE

THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU

WHO LIKE TO SEE A SHOW

THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME

TAKES YOU FROM YOUR RADIO

AND HOWDY DOODY

THANK YOU, YOU LOVELY CREATURES

FOR PASSING UP THE LOCAL DOUBLE FEATURES

YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEP SHOW BUSINESS

FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS

SO EACH CURTAIN CALL

WE SAY:

“THANK YOU, SIR

AND THANK YOU, MA’AM

THANK YOU, SIR


THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM

AND BLESS YOU ALL!”

MEN ONE & TWO

THANKS FOR LETTING NEITHER HAIL NOR SNOW NOR RAIN

DETAIN YOU

OR THE MANNERS OF THE MUGS IN THE BOX OFFICE

PAIN YOU

OR THE HAZARDS OF THE LATE SUBURBAN TRAIN

MAKE YOU REFRAIN...

ALL THREE

FROM THE TINSEL AND THE GLAMOUR OF THE DRAMMER!

WOMAN ONE

THANKS FOR NOT PERMITTING BABY SITTING PROBLEMS

TO UNNERVE YOU

HEAVEN KNOWS THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF BROADWAY SHOWS

THAT WANT TO SERVE YOU

ALL THREE

BUT YOU GOT HERE ALL THE SAME

AND WE’RE AWF’LLY GLAD YOU CAME!

IT’S A WONDER YOU APPEAR

HIP-HOO-RAY AND GIVE A CHEER!

YOU’RE OUR CHOICE FOR THE MAN



AND THE WOMAN OF THE YEAR!

Dance break.

WOMAN ONE

YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS



WE SAY:

ALL THREE

“THANK YOU, SIR


THANK YOU, SIR



AND BLESS YOU...

BLESS YOU ALL!”

Blackout.

THE END



I’LL TAKE THE CHECK

Lights restore on a small restaurant table.

Two men have finished dining and appear to

be laughing and enjoying the company.

ED

Doggone! It’s sure been swell seeing you again. (Calling.) Check

please.

Man 5 enters as Waiter with check.

JOE

Hold it, boy. This is on me.

ED

Next time. (Extends a bill to waiter.) Here you are.

JOE

Don’t take it, waiter. (Extends bill.) Here.

ED

Hey! Cut that out.

JOE

Put that away.

ED

(To waiter.) Don’t touch that.

JOE

You’re embarrassing me!

ED

Please!

Waiter has been holding out check first to

one, then the other. Bills switch hands.

Check switches hands. Two men push each

other’s hands away and wrestle the

respective bills back into each other’s

pocket. Waiter is confused; now no bills.

ED (Cont’d)

You old sonuvagun! Well, if it’ll make you feel any better, go

ahead.

Waiter approaches Joe.

JOE

No siree. I know when I’m licked.

Waiter back to Ed.



ED

(To waiter.) My friend’s in charge.

JOE

(To waiter.) See the other gentleman.

ED

Don’t listen to him!

JOE

Don’t listen to HIM!

Waiter looks from one to the other.

ED

Joe, my boy, let’s be logical here. Who rang you up this morning

to make the date?

JOE

You did. But...

ED

That’s all, brother. I invited you. So it’s on me. Check, waiter.

Waiter registers approval that Ed is right.

Beaming his congratulations, he approached

him with the check.

JOE

Now, wait a minute. That day we met on the street, who said,

“Let’s get together for lunch some time?”

ED

You did. But...

JOE

Well! The whole thing was my idea! Check, please.

Waiter moves to Joe.

ED

Hold on. For months before I ran into you, I used to say to

Lucille...”Wonder what old Joe Baker’s doing. Gee, I’d like to

take him to lunch some day.”

Waiter goes back to Ed.

JOE

If you don’t mind my saying so, I think you’re quibbling.

ED

I’m not quibbling at all. I’m simply proving how long I’ve had

the idea. Check, waiter.



JOE

Well, if it comes to that, I’ve probably had it for years! In my

subconscious! (Angrily, to waiter.) I’ll take that!

ED

Subconscious! Any minute you’ll be back to pre-natal influence!

JOE

I suppose there’s no such thing! If you’d keep an open mind,

instead of sneering at every modern theory...

ED

Who’s sneering?

JOE

You are. You’re adopting a very sneering tone!

ED

Okay. Have it your way. Back in your mother’s stomach, you only

wanted to get born so when you were [age] years old you could

take me to lunch! Now go ahead, wise guy. Be a big shot. Pay the

check.

He shoves the waiter over to Joe.

JOE

I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction!

Shoves waiter back.

ED

You always did have a stubborn streak.

JOE

Huh! I’m stubborn!

ED

You heard me!

JOE

I never liked you. Not even in high school.

ED

Oh, still bitter ‘cause you never made the debating team?!

JOE

Some bitter! Right now I’m making 15 thousand a year. I could buy

you and sell you.

ED

You could, huh? It may interest you to know that last year I made

16, five! Plus a Christmas bonus!



JOE

Do you get an expense account?

ED

No.

JOE

Hah! I do!

ED

Mr. Moneybags, himself! And he outfumbles me for a lousy two

bucks! Check!

JOE

I’ll pay, you cheapskate! And I’ll show you what I care about

money! (To waiter as he passes with tray.) Waiter! (Grabs pie off

tray and puts it in Ed’s face.) Put that on the check!

Waiter is horrified. Put tray with other

pie on table and goes to pay for the check

himself. We see him taking money out of his

pocket as he leaves.

ED

Oh, I’m a cheapskate, am I?!

JOE

That’s what I said!

ED

Step out here!

JOE

Glad to!

They prepare to fight.

ED

Damn pighead!

JOE

Pot-bellied phony!

ED

Lucille was right! She always hated your guts!

Ed throws pie at Joe, but waiter has

returned with the receipt and gets the pie

in the face.

JOE

Oh! (Waiter shows paid bill.) You mean you... (Waiter nods

happily.) My God, Ed!



ED

What a gesture!

JOE

We’ve been acting like children.

ED

Waiter, I’m ashamed of myself. (Looks at check.) Fifty-two Fifty!

And you insist on paying? (Waiter nods.) How about a tip? (Waiter

would be amenable.) Well, by Golly, the least you deserve is ten

bucks.

Ed reaches into his pocket. Joe grabs his

arm.

JOE

I’ll take it, Ed.

ED

No, no. I’ve got it.

JOE

I insist!

ED

I won’t hear of it!

Blackout.

THE END



WHEN?

WOMAN FOUR

HERE I SIT ONCE MORE

WHILE THE EMPTY LONELY HOURS FLIT ONCE MORE

SOME GIRLS SEEM TO GET THE BREAKS

WHILE I’M PARKED WATCHING OTHER FOLKS’ MISTAKES

TIME GOES SLOW AGAIN

TUNING IN THE SAME OLD RADIO SHOW AGAIN

WATCHING AS THE T.V. TUBES GLOW AGAIN

SITTING ON MY WEARY STATUS QUO AGAIN

I’M TIRED OF READING ABOUT IT

FROM EV’RYWHERE

I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT

UPON THE AIR

OF SITTING KNITTING, WAITING

WHEN AM I GONNA BE PARTICIPATING

I’M TIRED OF LEARNING ABOUT IT

FROM MAGAZINES

I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT

IN MEZZANINES

WITH POPCORN FOR MY DIET

WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO TRY IT?

OH! MANY ARE THE HOURS THAT I’VE SAT AND SAT AND SAT

LOOKING AT LOVE’S CHILLS AND TERRORS

MY BASES ALL ARE LOADED BUT I NEVER GET TO BAT

NO HIT, NO RUNS, NO ERRORS!

I’M TIRED OF SIGHING TO BE IT

LIKE MOVIE QUEENS

I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE IT

ON TEN INCH SCREENS

OF RUINING MY EYES TO IT

WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT?

I’VE GOT THOSE SPECTATOR SPORTS BLUES

AND IT’S A SHAME

I’VE GOT THOSE SECOND HAND REPORTS BLUES

AND IT’S MUCH TOO TAME

MUCH TOO TAME

HOW LONG DOES A WENCH HAVE TO PARK ON THE BENCH

BEFORE SHE GET PUT IN THE GAME?!

I’M TIRED OF YAMMER ABOUT IT

HOW GREAT YOU FEEL

I’M TIRED OF DRAMMER ABOUT IT

FROM U.S. STEEL

OF WATCHING LOVE REHEARSIN’

WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE IN PERSON?

I’M TIRED OF PAINTING ABOUT IT

IN THIS WEEK’S LIFE

I’M TIRED OF FAINTING ABOUT IT



WITH JOHN’S OTHER WIFE

OF SONGS HOW IT’S BEWITCHIN’

WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO PITCH IN?

I KNOW THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN LOOK

THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN SOUND

O.K., IT’S GREAT, I AGREE

I WISH I HAD A FELLER WHO WOULD SNUGGLE ME AROUND

AND LET THAT SET WATCH ME!

I’M TIRED OF PROGRAMS ABOUT IT

ALL DAY AND NIGHT

WHO CARES IF THEY MAKE IT IN COLOR

OR BLACK AND WHITE?

TO HECK WITH HOW YOU VIEW IT

OH WHEN CAN I FEEL ROMANCE THAT IS REAL

WITH NO COMMERCIAL SCATTERED THRU IT

WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT?!

TAG AND SEGUE



SUMMER DRESSES

MAN SIX

WHAT’S SO RARE AS A DAY IN JUNE?

THEN, IF EVER, THE WORLD’S IN TUNE

MISTER J. RUSSELL LOWELL SAID IT

AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE OLD BOY CREDIT

OH THE VERY AIR SEEMS TO SING

HI-YA SUMMER AND GOODBYE SPRING

AND IF YOU WILL ALL STEP THIS WAY FOLKS

YOU CAN HAVE A SIGHT

THAT’S BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN BAEDEKER

ANY DAY, FOLKS

BEATS THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE SEVEN SEAS

FROM THE HIMALAYAS TO THE HEBRIDES

FROM THE TAJ MAHAL TO BALI AND PAREE

COME AROUND AND SEE!

THE GIRLS IN THEIR GAY SUMMER DRESSES

GO BY ON THE AVENUE

WHILE JUNE’S LUCKY BREEZE BLOW CARESSES

OH WHAT A PLEASURE TO VIEW

THE LOVELY GIRLIES IN THEIR SWIRLY SUMMER DRESSES

LIKE A RAINBOW RENDEZVOUS

MY HEART SWELLS WITH PRIDE

FOR RIGHT HERE BY MY SIDE

THE PRIZE OF THEM ALL IS ON VIEW

OF THE GIRLS IN THEIR GAY SUMMER DRESSES

THE LOVELIEST ONE IS YOU

He and Girl dance. At the end of the dance,

they stroll offstage left, passing the next

performer who is entering.

DIRECT SEGUE



LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN

WOMAN TWO

TRAVEL IS WONDERFUL

EUROPE IS FINE

LONDON WAS MAGNIFICENT

ROME, VENICE, FLORENCE WERE DIVINE

PARIS IS ALL THEY SAY IT IS

THRILLING TO SEE

FUNNY WITH BEAUTY ALL AROUND

HOW LONELY YOU CAN BE

THERE’S A LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN

THAT MY HEARTS KEEP WRITING EV’RY DAY

WHAT’S THE WORD?

HOW ARE THINGS, MANHATTAN?

MISS YOU MORE THAN I KNOW HOW TO SAY

MISS YOUR EYES BRIGHT WITH RAINBOW NEON

MISS THE TOWERS YOU WEAR LIKE A CROWN

THEY’LL NEVER BUILD ANOTHER LIKE YOU

TILL THE SANDS OF TIME RUN DOWN

TRULY YOURS, TILL WE MEET, MANHATTAN

I’M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL TOWN!

I REMEMBER YOU IN YOUR MORNING SMILE

IN YOUR VEIL OF RAIN SHIMMERING DOWN

IN YOUR COAT OF SNOW

IN YOUR SPRINGTIME GLOW

IN YOUR GLEAMING EVENING GOWN

I HAVE THRILLED WITH YOU

THRILLED IN PRIDE WITH YOU

FELT YOUR LONELY SCORN AND BITTER CHILL

I HAVE LAUGHED WITH YOU

LAUGHED AND CRIED WITH YOU

AND NO MATTER WHERE I GO

YOU’RE WITH ME STILL!

Tempo bumps up and two boys enter to frame

our singer during the remaining movement.

THERE’S A LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN

THAT MY HEARTS KEEP WRITING EV’RY DAY

WHAT’S THE WORD?

HOW ARE THINGS, MANHATTAN?

MISS YOU MORE THAN I KNOW HOW TO SAY

MISS YOUR EYES BRIGHT WITH RAINBOW NEON

MISS THE TOWERS YOU WEAR LIKE A CROWN

THEY’LL NEVER BUILD ANOTHER LIKE YOU

TILL THE SANDS OF TIME RUN DOWN

TRULY YOURS, TILL WE MEET, MANHATTAN

I’M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL TOWN!

THE END



JUSTICE ON THE LAM By Arnold Auerbach & Herman Wouk

Sirens. Whistles. The Police Sergeant

appears in a special at proscenium.

SERGEANT’S VOICE

Calling all cops! Calling all cops! Be on the lookout for a

fugitive from justice, Judge Peter J. McGillicudy. The Judge,

under indictment for bribery, fled from his bench today and is

reported to be hiding out in Central Park. Proceed to the park,

men. Find Judge McGillicudy.

Lights up on traditional Central Park

scene. Judge is hiding out. Cop passes by.

Judge emerges.

JUDGE

What a predicament. Caught in flagrante dilecto. This will set

back Fordham law school twenty years.

Johnson rushes on and startles the Judge.

JOHNSON

Your Honor! I’m glad I finally found you. Where have you been all

day?

JUDGE

Behind bushes, in bushes, under bushes. It’s been awful. The next

man I see with a dog, I’m going to let him have it.

JOHNSON

Your Honor, you don’t mean...

JUDGE

Alas, yes, Johnson. Three times today I’ve been the victim of

liquidation proceedings. What a comedown. I, Peter McGillicudy,

M.A., Ph.D., L.L.D., and now just A.D.

JOHNSON

A.D.?

JUDGE

Avoiding doody. It’s humiliating.

JOHNSON

Buck up, Your Honor! Us boys have a plan to save you. You see

that Cadillac parked by the gate there?

JUDGE

Yes.



BLESS YOU ALL (CROSSOVER)

As the actors in the prior sketch run off

left, two dancing boys enter from right

with brooms. They sing and swipe in one out

left. A girl follows them. The boys return.

It is a stylized routine.

ALL THREE (BREAKDOWN TBC)

THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU

WHO LIKE TO SIT OUT THERE

THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME

TAKES YOU FROM YOUR EASY CHAIR

AND CANASTA

THANK YOU, MATER AND PATER

FOR LOVING THE LEGITIMATE THE-AY-TER




WE SAY:

“THANK YOU, SIR


THANK YOU, SIR



AND BLESS YOU ALL!”

DIRECT SEGUE



A ROSE IS A ROSE

Boy appears with broom at proscenium as the

prior entertainers exit. He begins to sing

and goes into dance.

MAN SIX

POETRY USU’LLY DOESN’T MEAN A SINGLE THING TO ME

I GET ALONG WELL WITHOUT T.S. ELIOT

I CAN DO FINE WITHOUT GERTRUDE STEIN

EXCEPT SOMETIMES A LINE OR TWO

ALL OF A SUDDEN MAKES ME THINK OF YOU

A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE

IF YOU SHOULD ASK ME

THEN I SUPPOSE

THAT MEANS THERE’S NOTHING QUITE LIKE A ROSE

A DREAM IS A DREAM

WHEN I DREAM ABOUT YOU

NO WORDS OR PHRASES I EVER KNEW

NO POETS PRAISES WILL EVER DO

JUST LIKE A “ROSE IS A ROSE” IS TRUE

DARLING YOU ARE YOU

ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU

ARE YOU!

THE END



I CAN HEAR IT NOW

WOMAN TWO

SOMETIMES FROM OUT THE PAST, A TOKEN

BRINGS BACK WORDS SPOKEN LONG AGO

YOU FIND A LONELY FADED SOUVENIR AND THEN

YOU CAN HEAR AGAIN

ALL THE OLD FAMILIAR SONGS

CLEAR AS CLEAR AGAIN

I CAN HEAR IT NOW

I CAN HEAR YOU SHYLY SAYING

“LIKE TO DANCE?”

THE BAND PLAYING:

“WHO – STOLE MY HEART AWAY”

I CAN SEE US NOW

IN THE RUMBLE SEAT SO GAILY

STRUMMING TO A UKELELE

“YOU’RE THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE”

I REMEMBER OUR FIRST KISS

TO “WHY DO I LOVE YOU?”

YOUR GRIN WHEN YOU GAVE ME YOUR PIN AND SANG

“I CAN’T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT LOVE, BABY”

I CAN HEAR IT NOW

HEAR THEM SAY: “THE BRIDE IS COMING”

DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I WAS HUMMING

“WITH A SONG IN MY HEART

JUST AS CLEAR AS CLEAR

I CAN HEAR IT NOW

I CAN HEAR IT NOW

HEAR THE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING

YOUR VOICE BRAVELY SAYING “I DO”

AS CLEAR AS CLEAR

I CAN HEAR IT

I CAN HEAR IT NOW

THE END



SOUTHERN FRIED CHEKHOV

Colonel Jasper and his alcoholic wife Emmy

are reading their son’s latest novel. We

are in the south. The Deep South.

EMMY (WOMAN THREE)

“The old crone’s cackle pierced the gloom...Mirthless merriment

amidst the stinking rot.”

JASPER (MAN THREE)

Chapter Twelve. Our son is progressin’ nicely.

EMMY

Isn’t it wonderful, Jasper? Another author in the family.

JASPER

That’s our job, Emmaline. Our cotton may fail, and our tobacco –

but down south, by God, we kin always grow book-writer.

EMMY

But every year...bombardin’ the Yankees with novels, short

stories, plays...it doesn’t seem fair to ‘em.

JASPER

‘course it does! It’s our way o’ gettin’ even for the Civil War.

EMMY

Hmm. And it is a nice arrangement. We keep decayin’...the

children keep writin’.

JASPER

What a fall catalogue we’ll have. Jasper Junior, with Doubleday;

Marmaduke with Random House; and Elmer, the little feller, with

Reader’s Digest. If our confounded daughter would only...

EMMY

Now, Jasper, control yourself.

JASPER

How can I? I sat her down at a typewriter, dusted off the keys

and invited her to throw a fit. For two hours I stood outside,

but I didn’t hear a sound.

EMMY

Maybe she was changing the ribbon.

JASPER

Wishful thinkin’. When I finally peeked through the keyhole, what

do you think she was doin’? Hemmin’ the goddamn curtains!

EMMY

No!



JASPER

Emmy, after all this time, we got us a curtain-hemmer. Our

daughter, and not the least bit abnormal.

EMMY

Give her a chance, Jasper. She’s still young.

JASPER

She’s sixteen, mother. Let’s face it. Our Marybelle’s the white

sheep of the family.

Marybelle enters skipping and laughing

girlishly. She carries flowers.

MARY (WOMAN ONE)

Ah declare, the magnolias are so fragrant! I jes’ never did see

their like, sho nuf! Mummy! Daddy! Why aren’t you out o’ doors,

sniffin’ the jasmine and trimmin’ the azalea bushes?

JASPER

Gal doesn’t even talk basic English! (To Mary.) Time for you to

git yo’ nose in the dung-heap! And write the right kind o’

writin’!

EMMY

How else are you gonna be banned in Boston?

MARY

I don’t want to be banned anywhere. Ah don’t even want to be

published!

EMMY

It’s enough to make a person sober.

JASPER

I’ll hoss-whip her! So help me Clifton Fadiman.

MARY

Ah don’t care. It’s time somebody started a trend. And that

somebody is me!

DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH

MARY (Cont’d)

DON’T WANNA TO WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH

I DON’T WANNA!

JASPER & EMMY

BUT, BABY, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKES!

MARY

AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH

I AIN’T GONNA!



JASPER & EMMY

LOOK WHAT ERSKINE CALDWELL MAKES!

MARY

THOUGH YOU MAY THINK I’M ACTING FORMAL

I DON’T LIKE DECLINE AND DECAY

I’D RATHER BE GROWING UP NORMAL

SOUTH CA’LINA PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY!

JASPER & EMMY

AY, AY, AY

MARY

I’M NOT GONNA KNOCK

I’M A BOOSTER

KINDLY TELL THAT TO SIMON AND SHUSTER

I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH

NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND

DOWN BY THE DELTY

JASPER & EMMY

HOW WE GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO EUDORA WELTY?

MARY


I DON’T WANNA!

JASPER & EMMY

BUT, BABY, AT LEAST A PLAY!

MARY


I AIN’T GONNA!

JASPER & EMMY

WHAT’LL TENNESSEE WILLIAMS SAY?!

MARY

I’D RATHER NOT TATTLE ON MOTHER

OR TELL WHAT PAW DOES LATE AT NIGHT

OR LIST THE QUAINT HABITS OF BROTHER

I SOMEHOW DON’T THINK IT’S POLITE

JASPER & EMMY

KRAFT-EBING

MARY

I WANT MY VIEWPOINT TO BE CHEERIER

SOMEONE ELSE GO CUT DOWN THE WISTERIA


NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND!

I WON’T BE SLUTTY [SLUDDY]



JASPER & EMMY

HOW WE GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO TRUMAN CAPOTE?! [PUDDY]

MARY


I DON’T WANNA!

JASPER & EMMY

JUST THINK ABOUT HOLLYWOOD!

MARY


I AIN’T GONNA

JASPER & EMMY

BUT, BABY, IT PAYS SO GOOD!

MARY

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OLD MANSION AND SHANTY

YOUR COUSINS ROLLING IN HAY

DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHO’S RAPING AUNTY

NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT MIGHT PAY

JASPER & EMMY

SWEET JESUS!

MARY

PLEASE NOTIFY ALL BOOK REVIEWERS

THAT THEY’LL HAVE ONE LESS TRIP TO THE SEWERS


NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND!

JASPER & EMMY

HEY, BABY

MARY

SOUTH-LAND!

JASPER & EMMY

SAY, BABY

WON’T YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

MARY

NO! NO! NO! NO!

ALL THREE

I/SHE AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH!

THE END



T.V. OVER THE WHITE HOUSE

Lights up on the dressing room of

presidential candidate Joseph G. Blow.

DAN (MAN FIVE)

And remember, we’ve cut the foreign policy song and we took out

the capital-and-labor dance. That means you segue right to the

family sketch.

BLOW (MAN FOUR)

I got it.

DAN

Great. We go live in five minutes.

BLOW

What a way to run for president! On an all-television campaign!

DAN

Only way to do it, kid. Every voter has a television set. The

candidates stay here in Radio City, the people sit home in their

living rooms...and may the best profile win.

BLOW

But for months now, a show every night. I don’t know if I’m

Thomas Jefferson or Howdy Doody.

DAN

Steady, boy. We’re coming down the stretch. This is the last show

before Election. Once you’re in the White House, you can take a

nice long vacation.

BLOW

Huh! I was a lot happier as a Congressman. Then you fellows has

to start that boom at the Convention: “Joseph Gabriel Blow, the

Walking Dimple.”

DAN

But think of the honor-the first president in history to get into

Actor’s Equity.

BLOW

Wish you’d let me purge these gagmen. (Mocking.) What a bit!

Fulla belly laughs.

DAN

I know they’re corny but they’re only filling in till we sign

Paddy Chayefsky.

BLOW

The way they spot the guest stars. We should never have had a

Vishinski on the same show with Milton Berle.



DAN

Well, who knew Milton would ad lib that hot-feet?

Fast-talking Broadway agent enters.

AGENT (WOMAN THREE)

Hi, sweetheart.

BLOW

Dammit, Sam, can’t you read the sign above the door? No agents

allowed in the presidential dressing room.

AGENT

But Joe, I got a new discovery. A terrific hunka talent. Make the

greatest little Secretary of State you ever saw.

BLOW

I told you to...Secretary of State, eh? There is a spot open

there.

AGENT

Wait till you see my boy. (Calling off.) C’mon in, sweetheart.

Enter a pompous windbag of a Senator

AGENT (Cont’d)

Meet Senator Bascomb T. Willoughby. Sensational personality,

ain’t he? I caught him at the crop control hearings – signed him

right up. Make with the smile, kid. (Senator flashes a toothy

grin.) See? Not a false tooth in his head! Looks great in

Technicolor, too.

DAN

What do you think, Joe?

BLOW

Could be. Let’s hear him.

AGENT

Check. (Senator prepares.) Now! Make out he’s coming over your

video screen. (To Senator.) Give ‘em the acceptance routine,

kid.

Blow and Dan appraise him like horse-

dealers.

SENATOR

My fellow-Americans, in assuming the onerous duties of this high

office, I am fully aware of the noble traditions surrounding it.

DAN

(To Blow.) Hmmm. Too fat.



BLOW

Bad legs.

SENATOR

I do not wish to be Secretary of State. I am content to serve my

country in relative obscurity. But now that the call of duty has

reached my ears, who am I to withstand its clarion summons?

Blow and Dan are looking at each other

grimly.

SENATOR

Therefore, it is with a humble heart and a grateful spirit that I

accept this...

BLOW

Sorry, Senator.

SENATOR

Eh?

BLOW

You’re not quite the type.

SENATOR

(Crushed.) Please. I wasn’t in good voice today.

AGENT

He killed ‘em at the Ways and Means Committee.

BLOW

We’ll keep you in mind.

AGENT

He could grow a moustache.

BLOW

(Steering them out). Sorry. Come back in four years.

SENATOR

I’ll take something smaller—Secretary of Agriculture.

Blow pushes him out.

AGENT

We shoulda broken it in at Grossingers. (He leaves but pops back

in again.) He can play the harmonica!

He hastens out again.

BLOW

No wonder I can’t line up a cabinet. Who wants to pay that

character ten percent?



ANNOUNCER (WOMAN FIVE)

Two minutes! Onstage!

DAN

This is it, kid. Give ‘em hell! (As they exit.) Gangway,

everyone! The walking dimple rides again!

Blackout. We are now onstage.

ANNOUNCER (WOMAN FIVE)

Good evening, folks. You’re going to have a high old time at our

little telecast! You bet you are. So take off your shoes and

enjoy the show ‘cause Joe Blow asks only one thing. That you sit

back and relax. And after he’s elected, you can relax even more.

Thank you. We wish to thank the makers of Vaseline Hair Tonic for

giving us their time on the air.

Music in.

LOVE THAT MAN!

WOMAN FIVE

LOVE THAT MAN!

MY, OH MY!

HOW I LOVE THAT MAN!

SWEETIE PIE – HOW I LOVE HIS FACE

LOVE HIS CLOTHES

LOVE THE WAY HE WRINKLES THAT ROMAN NOSE UP

EAST AND WEST

SOUTH AND NORTH SAY HE

MEETS THE TEST

BACK AND FORTH SAY HE IS THE BEST GUY

MONEY CAN BUY

LOVE THAT GENT

THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT

LOVE THAT LOVELY MAN

Blow enters flanked by two boys.

BLOW

HELLO AMERICA HELLO!

THE NAME IS JOSEPH GABRIEL BLOW

I’M HERE TO TELL EACH GOLDARN ONE OF YOU

I LOVE YOU TOO

TRULY I DO

LIKE A LITTLE INFANT LOVES ITS MOTHER

LIKE A SIAMESE TWIN LOVES HIS BROTHER

LIKE AN OCEAN LINER LOVES ITS RUDDER

LIKE A BABY MOO COW LOVES ITS UDDER



ALL THREE

LIKE A BANKER LOVES THE LOANS HE’S OWED ON

LIKE A DRUNKARD LOVES TO GET A LOAD ON

LIKE A JOCKEY LOVES HIS NAG TO WIN

LIKE A GIN RUMMY PLAYER LOVES TO SAY GIN

BLOW

THAT’S HOW I LOVE YOU ALL

I WANT YOU TO KNOW


MEN ONE & TWO

HELLO MISTER BLOW!

BLOW

SHUCKS, FELLERS

JUST CALL ME JOE

MEN ONE & TWO

HELLO JOE!

LOVE THAT MAN!

GOSH, OH GEE


GLORY BE HOW I LOVE HIS PEP

LOVE HIS DASH

LOVE HIS WAY

HE’S ALWAYS SO DOG GONE BASHFUL!

WHAT A CHARM

BABIES CRY FOR HIM

ON THE FARM

CORN IS HIGH FOR HIM

HE’S THE BEST GUY

MONEY CAN BUY

LOVE THAT GENT


LOVE THAT...

LOVE THAT MAN!

Direct segue as blues singer appears.

VOTING BLUES

WOMAN FOUR

THE SADDEST GIRL IN TOWN

MY CASTLES TUMBLED DOWN

FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER

SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE!

I FEEL THE TEAR-DROPS START

IT’S RAINING IN MY HEART




SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE!

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HIDE MY FACE

WEARING A SIGH FOREVER

GOT TO PASS BY

THAT POLLING PLACE

KNOWING I’LL NEVER

PULL ON THAT LEVER FOR JOE

OH MISERY!

THERE’S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME


SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE

FOR JOE G. BLOW!

Blow and the Boys take the stage again.

STILL LOVE THAT MAN!

BLOW


THE NAME IS JOSEPH GABRIEL BLOW

I’M HERE TO TELL EACH GOLDARN ONE OF YOU

I LOVE YOU TOO

TRULY I DO

MEN ONE & TWO

ALL ABOARD, ABOARD FOR THAT WASHINGTON EXPRESS

ALL ABOARD, ABOARD FOR THE STATE OF HAPPINESS

ALL ABOARD, ABOARD

HEAR THAT WHISTLE SOUND!

I KNOW THAT YOU FOLKS WON’T LET MY MAN DOWN!

BLOW

THAT’S HOW I LOVE YOU ALL

I WANT YOU TO KNOW


MEN ONE & TWO

HELLO MISTER BLOW!

BLOW

SHUCKS, FELLERS

JUST CALL ME JOE

MEN ONE & TWO

HELLO JOE!

LOVE THAT GENT


LOVE THAT...

LOVE THAT MAN!

Tag and into next sequence.



ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen, when you go to the polls next Tuesday, vote

for Joseph Gabriel Blow! He is a man of the people, a man of

honor...and above all else, our candidate is a family man. In

fact, let’s drop in on a typical domestic scene between Joseph

Blow and his charming wife.

Lights shift to home scene.

BLOW

Jane, these home-made biscuits are wonderful. With all your

charities and social work, you’re still a real home-body, mh-hm!

JANE (WOMAN THREE)

And with all your affairs of state, you’re still an affectionate

husband and father. Mh-hm!

BLOW

Well, dear, what did my busy little housewife do last night?

JANE

Oh, I pasted some recipes in my scrapbook. I darned some socks.

Then I made some of that typical American Apple Butter you’re so

crazy about.

Where is the jar of butter? Oh, there it

is. “Typical American Apple Butter.”

BOTH

(In relief) Mh-hm!

JANE

And remember, Joseph, you said after you got elected, you’d buy

little Billy a pup.

BLOW

Of course, dear. But I may not get elected. I do have an

opponent.

JANE

Oh, that’s right dear. I keep forgetting there are two

candidates?

BLOW

It’s our American way.

JANE

But Billy’s got a pup all picked out. He’s the cutest little

terrier you ever saw! Suppose you lose the election?!

BLOW

Don’t worry, dear. The people won’t let us down. They’ll help us

honey folks make a living dream come true. After all, what do we



ask for? Just the plain, simple little things that bring

happiness.

JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE

BLOW (Cont’d)


NEAR THE CAPITAL DOME

THAT’S THE ONE PLACE WE LONG FOR

TO BE HOME SWEET HOME

WITH A LITTLE WHITE PORCH

WHERE OUR JUNIOR CAN PLAY

WHILE POP ROCKS WITH HIS SOCKS OFF

AT THE CLOSE OF THE DAY

THOUGH WE KNOW IT’S COLD AND RATHER OLD

AND THE PLUMBING MAY NOT DO

STILL WE WANT TO GO

TO ONE SIX OH OH PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

TO THAT LITTLE WHITE HOUSE

OH, HOW HAPPY WE’D BE

POP AND MAMA TOGETHER

AND BABY MAKES THREE!


JANE

I’LL BE BUSY YOU CAN BET

BLOW

NEAR THE CAPITAL DOME

JANE

COOKING FOR THE CABINET

BLOW

THAT’S THE ONE PLACE WE LONG FOR

JANE

OH JUST WAIT TILL THEY TRY

BLOW

TO BE HOME SWEET HOME

JANE

MY OPEN GOOSEBERRY PIE

BLOW

WITH A LITTLE WHITE PORCH

JANE

I CAN SEE YOU WITH YOUR BROOM



BLOW

WHERE OUR JUNIOR CAN PLAY

JANE

SWEEPING UP THE OVAL ROOM

BLOW

WHILE POP ROCKS WITH HIS SOCKS OFF

JANE

OH HOW PEACEFUL WHEN WE’VE CREPT IN

BLOW

AT THE CLOSE OF THE DAY

JANE

THE BED THAT HOOVER SLEPT IN

BOTH

WITH JUST A FOUR YEAR LEASE

THAT MIGHT INCREASE

TO ANOTHER TERM OR TWO

HOW WE’D LOVE IT SO

AT ONE SIX OH OH PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

IN THAT LITTLE WHITE HOUSE

TUMBLE DOWN WE DON’T CARE

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR

WON’T YOU ALL SEND US THERE?

Tag and into next sequence.

BLOW

And now for our monster giveaway feature: Stop the Politics!

Stand by your telephones, Mr. and Mrs. Citizen! Even now our

operators are trying to contact one lucky voter who will receive

absolutely free, gratis and for nothing the most staggering array

of prizes every awarded!

ANNOUNCER

Mr. Blow, we’re ready with the call. Mr. Grover Tittle of Adam’s

Apple, Wisconsin!

BLOW

Hello, there, Mr. Tittle! This is Joe G. Blow calling from Stop

the Politics! Listen to your question. Now, you have to get two

out of three. What are the colors of the American flag? Red is

correct! Just one more, now. Yes, I’ll wait. (To audience.) Isn’t

that cute? He’s gone to ask the little boy. (Phone.) What’s that?

Blue is correct! And white! Isn’t that wonderful, folks? He only

had to name two colors, and he got all three! (Phone.)

Congratulations, Mr. Tittle! What’s your occupation? Lawyer? Oh,

you’re a lucky fellow. That just fits in with that I had in mind.

Mr. Grover Tittle, of Adam’s Apple, Wisconsin, you are going to

be my first appointment to the United States Supreme Court!



Furthermore, we are sending you absolutely free, a handsome,

hand-carved, knotty pine, all-purpose gavel! As well as a form-

fitting, Brooks Brothers, exclusively tailored mink-lined judge’s

robe! Please hold the line for further details! (Accent.) But

seriously, folks... (Accent.) I want to sum up the main points of

my campaign: Low Budget! (Accent.) Socialized Medicine! (Accent.)

Stabilized Currency! (Accent.) National Defense! (Accent.) And

Atomic Energy!

LOVE THAT MAN! (REPRISE)

MEN ONE & TWO

LOVE THAT MAN!

GOSH, OH GEE


GLORY BE HOW I LOVE HIS PEP

LOVE HIS DASH

LOVE HIS WAY

HE’S ALWAYS SO DOG GONE BASHFUL!

WHAT A CHARM

BABIES CRY FOR HIM

ON THE FARM

CORN IS HIGH FOR HIM

HE’S THE BEST GUY

MONEY CAN BUY

LOVE THAT GENT


LOVE THAT...

LOVE THAT MAN!

THE END



TAKE OFF THE COAT

WOMAN TWO

HE’S LATE, I KNOW, I KNOW

BUT OH, HE’LL BE HERE SOON

THIS TIME I’LL MAKE HIM STAY

TAKE CARE AND NOT SCARE HIM AWAY

I’LL BE SO FREE AND EASY

AS I SAY:

TAKE OFF THE COAT

MY FRIEND

TAKE OFF THE COAT

AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME

MY VERY GOOD FRIEND

SET YOURSELF DOWN A BIT

TELL ME WHAT’S NEW

WHILE I WARM MY COLD AND HUNGRY HEART

AT THE SIGHT OF YOU

Man Six & Woman Five enter and dance.

WHAT’S IN THE AIR

MY FRIEND?

WHAT’S IN THE AIR

THAT TAKES THE BREATH AWAY

MY VERY GOOD FRIEND?

IF THIS IS LOVE AT LAST

PLEASE DON’T LET IT END

TAKE OFF THE COAT

MY FRIEND

Dance break.

TALK ME SOME TALK

MY FRIEND

TALK ME SOME TALK

WE’LL HAVE A HEART TO HEART

MY VERY GOOD FRIEND

LET’S NOT CONCERN OURSELVES

WITH HOW IT WILL END

TAKE OFF THE COAT...

LET’S NOT CONCERN OURSELVES

WITH HOW IT WILL END

TAKE OFF THE COAT

MY FRIEND

THE END



THE ROARING TWENTIES STRIKE BACK

ALL THREE

CHARLESTON! CHARLESTON!

BOY, AIN’T WE CUTE!

CHARLESTON! CHARLESTON!

HEY! ROOTY TOOT!

HOT CHA! HOT CHA!

RED HOT MOMMAS

WE’RE THE BEE’S KNEES

CAT’S PAJAMAS

BLACK BOTTOM

DOO-WACK-A-DOO

BLACK BOTTOM

POOP A DOO TOO

HAVE YOUR LAUGHS AT THEM TODAY

BUT THOSE FOLKS FROM THE TWENTIES

HAD PLENTY TO...DANCE!

They dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.

This is a dance specialty. A delicious

homage to the roaring twenties.

THE END



WITHOUT RESERVATIONS

Lights up on the lobby of 22, a swanky New

York restaurant on east 52nd Street. At

rise, a gay party chattering guests are

obsequiously ushered in to a dining-room by

Pierre, the maitre’d. Harry Cooper enters

cheerfully from street.

PIERRE

Yes, Sir?

HARRY

Good evening. I have a table for two. Harry Cooper.

PIERRE

I’m sorry, sir. I have no reservation for Harry Cooper.

HARRY

That’s funny. This is 22, isn’t it?

PIERRE

Yes, sir.

HARRY

Well, I booked a table myself. Called up yesterday afternoon

about three.

PIERRE

Oh, I see. There’s a slight misunderstanding. At 3 o’clock I

took a reservation for Gary Cooper.

HARRY

Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Gary Cooper. And I’m Harry Cooper. Practically the

same thing. Except I don’t have a horse. Ha-ha-ha. Well, now that

everything’s straightened out, I’ll...

He starts to enter the dining room.

PIERRE

Just a moment, sir.

HARRY

Eh?

PIERRE

No one can enter 22 without reservations.

HARRY

But I’ve got a reservation. You got the name wrong that’s all.

PIERRE

I’m sorry, sir. Gary Cooper is 22 caliber. You, sir, are a

typographical error.



He turns away loftily.

HARRY

Hey!

Pierre ignores him. Harry whistles shrilly

through his teeth. No response. Getting an

idea, Harry peels a bill from his roll and

walks around to Pierre, extending it.

PIERRE

Thank you, sir. (Pockets bill.) Goodbye.

HARRY

What about my table?

PIERRE

It’s all ready for you. At Schrafft’s.

Harry

Now look, Buster.

He grabs Pierre’s arm angrily.

PIERRE

I warn you, sir. I’m the Judo champion of 52nd Street.

HARRY

So what, dammit! I’m one of the leading buyers of women’s wear in

all Schenectady! And I’m very well-liked!

PIERRE

My dear sir. To be admitted to 22, one must be a person of

consequence. Look-Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Lawrence, Red

Skeleton’s brother-in-law...

HARRY

Well, I’m as consequential as they are! Downtown they call me the

Rosselini of the garment center. (Pierre shrugs and turns away)

Listen, pal, this girl I’m expecting. She’s been brushin’ me off

for weeks! I only got the date ‘cause I promised to take her

here. I gotta get a table-understand?

He peels off a bill from his roll. Pierre

looks at him coldly, and he keeps peeling

till Pierre unbends.

PIERRE

(Taking money.) In view of the circumstances...I’ll call the

Character Committee Chairman.

Rings a little bell on his desk.



HARRY

(Dashed.) Thanks. Anyway...no loyalty test.

An elegant gentleman enters.

PIERRE

Sir, I have a candidate for admission. (To Harry.) This is

Francois...headwaiter emeritus. (To Francois.) A Mr. Cooper, from

Schenectady.

FRANCOIS

(Suddenly.) Say something funny.

HARRY

Huh?

PIERRE

A guest of 22 must be capable of brilliant epigrams. Give the

committee a sample.

HARRY

Well, I...uh...one day last week, Mr. Hackenschmidt, he’s one of

the Jr. vice-presidents...had on a new suit. And I said to

him...Oh, I forgot to tell you, he’s kind of fat. Anyway, I said

to him...this is very funny if you know Horace J.

Hackenschmidt...I said, “Where’d you get that suit? Lane Bryant?”

Laughs heartily. Under their stony gaze,

his laughter dies.

PIERRE

(To Francois.) We’ll proceed with social background.

HARRY

Oh, I got plenty o’ that stuff. My family’s lived in Schenectady

since 17 hundred sixty...

PIERRE

We judge by “22” standards.

FRANCOIS

Ever had your name in Winchell’s column?

HARRY

No.

FRANCOIS

Ever been divorced?

HARRY

No.

FRANCOIS

Been slugged by Humphrey Bogart?



HARRY

No!

PIERRE

Definitely the Schrafft’s type. Next phase. Fads and foibles.

FRANCOIS

Do you paint?

HARRY

No!

FRANCOIS

Play charades?

HARRY

No!

FRANCOIS

Who’s your psychoanalyst?

HARRY

I haven’t got one! I’ve never been psychoanalyzed!

PIERRE

(Aghast.) Practically a virgin.

HARRY

Look, I’ll get psychoanalyzed after dinner. Please! Gloria’ll be

here any minute, and...

PIERRE

Francois, have you reached a verdict?

He nods grimly. Thumbs down. Pierre nods,

motions offstage. Enter a burly-looking

bouncer, with pistol in holster. As bouncer

approaches Harry, latter gets desperate.

HARRY

No! No! If I don’t get a table, Gloria’ll walk out on me! Don’t

send me... (To the grille.) Behind the iron curtain! Please! I’ll

order the most expensive dishes in your joint! And I won’t even

touch ‘em! You can send ‘em back and sell ‘em all over again!

They ignore him. He runs from one to the

other, blubbering.

HARRY (Cont’d)

Fellers! Have a heart! I’ll do anything! I’ll wash my own

dishes! (Grovels before Pierre.) Your Excellency! You can seat me

near the radiator! On the radiator! In front of the men’s room!

In the...



PIERRE

No!

Enter Gloria, a flashily-dressed girl.

GLORIA

Sorry I’m late butchkie, I... (Noting his disheveled state.) You

loaded already?

HARRY

No! I’ve been trying to get into the dining-room, but this guy...

GLORIA

I shoulda known. He won’t give you a table. After I been starvin’

myself for two days! Well, if you can’t get me into 22, I’ll find

me someone who can!

She starts to leave.

HARRY

(To Pierre, furiously.) There goes the best-looking model on 38th

Street! Okay! You asked for it!

Beside himself with rage, he wrenches the

bouncer’s gun from its holster and shoots

Pierre, who staggers and falls.

ALL

Pierre! What happened? He’s badly hurt! Get a doctor!

HARRY

I did it! Ha-ha-ha! But you won’t get me alive!

He shoots himself, falls, as more people

rush on from dining-room, including a

doctor, who runs first to Pierre, then

Harry, examines them. Among newcomers are a

columnist, pad and pencil out.

ALL

This is terrible! Horrible! Who is he? Etc.

GLORIA

He couldn’t get a table! So he shot him. Then himself! Oh,

Butchkie!

She sobs hysterically.

DOCTOR

It’s hopeless. They’re both dying.

COLUMNIST

(To Gloria.) What’s his name, honey?



GLORIA

Harry Cooper. He’s from Schenectady.

COLUMNIST

Harry Cooper...Schenectady. Let’s go, Sam. Boy, what a story!

Front page stuff!

PIERRE

(To columnist.) Did you say...front page story?

COLUMNIST

Damn right. By tomorrow this guy’ll be famous.

PIERRE

Did you say...famous?

COLUMNIST

Damn right!

PIERRE

(To Harry.) Sir, your table is ready.

Blackout.

THE END



YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU

WOMAN FOUR

LOVE! LOVE!

YOU CAN FIND IT IN THE HEADLINES

YOU CAN GOSSIP IT ALL DAY

FROM SOAP OPERAS UPON THE AIR

YOU CAN GET IT PLAY BY PLAY

YOU CAN SING IT IN YOUR BALLADS

YOU CAN READ IT IN YOUR BOOKS

YOU CAN SIT IN AIR-COOLED MOVIES

AND SEE JUST HOW IT LOOKS

BUT GOSH WHEN LOVE STARTS COOKIN’

IT’S NOT THE SAME AS LOOKIN’

ONE MINUTE YOU THINK YOU CAN’T BE TOOK

THE NEXT MINUTE YOU ARE TOOKEN!

BEFORE YOU SHOW A SIGN OF DIZZINESS

LOVE HAS SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND

LIKE A DIRTY CAD AND GIVEN YOU THE BUSINESS!

BEFORE A CLOUD BURST YOU CAN SEE THE DARK CLOUDS

THEY WARN YOU OF A STORM DUE FROM ABOVE

AND WATCH DOGS IN THE NIGHT

WILL BARK BEFORE THEY BITE

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE!

ONE MINUTE YOU ARE CAREFREE

SO DEBONAIRE AND GAY

THEN YOU REACH FOR YOUR HEART

AND FIND WITH A START

IT HAS BEEN STOLEN AWAY!

A TAXI BLOWS ITS HORN BEFORE IT HITS YOU

THE PITCHER WINDS UP FIRST THEN THROWS THE BALL

THE LEADER LIFTS HIS HAND

AND THEN YOU HEAR THE BAND

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!

OUT IN THE NORTHWEST, LUMBERMEN YELL “TIMBER”

WHEN TREES COME CRASHING DOWN FROM UP ABOVE

YOU GET A CHANCE AT BAIL

BEFORE YOU LAND IN JAIL

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE

YOU’RE SITTING LIKE A BANKER

UP WHERE THE RITZY CLASS SITS

THEN LOVE LANDS WITH A CLANK

GOODBYE TO YOUR BANK

DON’T KNOW YOUR DEBITS FROM YOUR ASSETS

EXPECTANT PARENTS HAVE TIME TO GET READY

THEY GET A HINT BEFORE THE STORK WILL CALL

AND THEN THEY HAVE TO WAIT

TILL WINCHELL SETS THE DATE





A PIGEON HAS TO DO SOME BILL AND COOING

BEFORE HE GETS TO FIRST BASE WITH A DOVE

THE HORSES THUNDER PAST

BEFORE YOURS COMES IN LAST

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE

ONE MINUTE YOU’RE THE RIDER

SO EASY IN THE SADDLE

VERY COSY AND SURE

THE NEXT MINUTE YOU’RE

UP THE CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE!

A WOLF INVITES A GIRL TO SEE HIS ETCHINGS

BEFORE HE TRIES TO MAKE HER GIVE HER ALL

THE HOUSE DICK KNOCKS BEFORE

HE BREAKS THE HOTEL DOOR



THE END



FINALE (BLESS YOU ALL)

WOMAN ONE




WE SAY:

ALL THREE

“THANK YOU, SIR


THANK YOU, SIR



AND...

FAREWELL! FAREWELL!

ADIEU! ADIEU!

SO LONG! SO LONG!

TOODLE-OO! TOODLE-OO!

CHEERIO! CHEERIO!

TA-TA! TA-TA!

PIP-PIP! PIP-PIP!

AU REVOIR! AU REVOIR!

GOODBYE! GOODBYE!

AND BLESS YOU...

ALL!”

Curtain.

END OF PLAY

Documents

BLESS YOU ALL! · Check switches hands. Two men push each other’s hands away and wrestle the respective bills back into each other’s pocket. Waiter is confused; now no bills