Birth The - Baker Publishing Groupassets.bakerpublishinggroup.com/.../files/Excerpt_9780800734060.pdf · Birth The Order Book ... ave you ever wondered why your sister or your brother

The

Birth Order

BookWhy You Are

the Way You Are

Revised and Updated

Dr.Kevin Leman

O

Leman_BirthOrder_JM_djm.indd 5 6/29/09 8:49:22 AM

Dr. Kevin Leman,The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are,

Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.

©1985,1998,2009byKevinLeman

PublishedbyRevelladivisionofBakerPublishingGroupP.O.Box6287,GrandRapids,MI49516-6287www.revellbooks.com

PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans—forexample,electronic,photocopy,recording—withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.Theonlyexceptionisbriefquotationsinprintedreviews.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataLeman,Kevin.

Thebirthorderbook:whyyouarethewayyouare/KevinLeman. p.cm.Rev.ed.of:Thenewbirthorderbook:whyyouarethewayyouare.2nded.

1998.Includesbibliographicalreferences.ISBN978-0-8007-3406-0(pbk.)1.Birthorder.I.Leman,Kevin.Newbirthorderbook.II.Title.

BF723.B5L462009155.9 24—dc22 2009020404

Toprotecttheprivacyofthosewhohavesharedtheirstorieswiththeauthor,somedetailsandnameshavebeenchanged.




9

Contents

GuesstheBirthOrder11 Introduction13 Maybe Abel Did Have It Coming

1.BirthOrder17 Does It Really Make Sense?

2.ButDoc,IDon’tFittheMold!36 Birth Order Variables—Part 1

3.What’sParentingGottoDowithIt?57 Birth Order Variables—Part 2

4.FirstCome,FirstServed78 Firstborns

5.HowGoodIs“GoodEnough”?100 6.Perfect—orExcellent?117 7.TheLonelyOnly,SuperFirstborn131 Only Children




10

Contents

8.INeverDidGetNoRespect149 The Middle Child

9.BornLastbutSeldomLeast166 The Baby of the Family

10.TheWinningEdgeinBusiness189 Getting Behind Others’ Eyes

11.BirthOrderMarriagesAren’tMadeinHeaven20712.ICountOnlyWhen...232 What Are You Really Telling Yourself?

13.FlauntYourImperfections249 Parenting Firstborns and Only Children

14.TwoMayBeCompany...oraCrowd268 Parenting the Two-Child Family

15.TakingOfftheSqueeze285 Parenting the Middle Child

16.HelpingtheFamily“Cub”GrowUp299 Parenting the Lastborn

Epilogue317 There’s Only One Thing You Can’t Do Without

“GuesstheBirthOrder”QuizAnswers327 USPresidentsandTheirBirthOrder329 Notes333 AboutDr.KevinLeman339 ResourcesbyDr.KevinLeman341




11

Guess the Birth Order

Firstbornoronlychild,middlechild,orlastborn/babyofthefamily?Ventureaguess,thencheckpage327tosee

ifyouranswersmatch.

1. Mysisterwasacharmingshow-off—makethataconartistwhogotawaywitheverything—whenweweregrowingup.Nowshe’sthetopsalespersoninhercom-panyandhighlysuccessful.

2. I’dratherreadpeoplethanbooks.Ilikesolvingproblemsandamcomfortablebeingsurroundedbypeople.

3. MybrotherAlwasnicknamed“AlbertEinstein”be-causehewassogoodinmathandscience.He’sanengineernowandaconscientiousperfectionist.

4. Idon’tknowhowmyhusbanddoesit.Hisworkshopisanabsolutemess,butwheneverhewantstofindsome-thing,heknowsexactlywhichpileit’sin.

5. Myfriendisabitofamaverick.Shehasalotoffriendsbutvaluesherindependence.She’sagoodmediatorinarguments.She’saboutasoppositefromhersisterasyoucanget.

6. IgetalongbetterwitholderpeoplethanIdomypeers.SomepeoplethinkI’mstuck-uporself-centered.Butinactuality,I’mnot.




13

Introduction

Maybe Abel Did Have It Coming

Haveyoueverwonderedwhyyoursisteroryourbrotherissodifferentfromyou?Afterall,yougrewupin

thesamefamily,yetyouactsodifferentlyandseethingssodifferently.Youoftenviewthesamechildhoodexperiencesthroughcompletelydifferentlensesandhaveoppositere-sponses.Howcanthatbe?

Doyouwonderwhyyoucontinuetobuttheadswithacertainsonordaughterofyours—butwiththeotherchildrenit’ssmoothsailing?Orwhyyoucan’tquiteseeeyetoeyewithyourbossoracertainco-worker?

Doyouwonderwhyyoufeelcompelledtoactacertainway—likeyou’vebeenprogrammed?Whyyoupickthefriendsyoudo?Whyyou’reattractedtoacertaintypeofpersontomarry(andwho’sreallybestforyou)?Whyyoualwaysfindyourselfbeingtheonetomediatebetweentwowarringpar-tiesatwork?Whyyoustruggledaytodaywithneverbeinggoodenough?

Alloftheanswerstothesequestionshaveeverythingtodowithbirthorder.Thinkofyourfamilyasatree.Your




14

Introduction

momanddad(ormomordad,ifyou’refromasingle-parentfamily)formthetrunkofthetree.Thechildreninthefam-ilyarethebranches.Haveyoueverseenatreewhereallthebranchesaregrowingintheexactsamedirection?Thesameistruewithchildren.Oneofthebestpredictionsinlifeisthatwhateverthefirstborninafamilyis,thesecondbornin

thefamilywillgoinadifferent(andoftentimesopposite)direction.

Thinkofthestoryofgoodol’CainandAbel,waybackintime—thefirstbornandsecondbornbroth-erswhogotsiblingrivalryofftoaviciousstart.Ifanybrotherscouldbedifferent,thosetwowere.One

wasagardener,work-with-the-earthtype.Theotherwasashepherd,animal-lovertype.Tosaytherewasjealousywhenonewastreated“better”thantheotherisavastunderstate-ment.Andyouknowwhereallthatled....That’swhy,whenIfirstpresentedtheideaofthisbooktomypublisher,IwantedtocallitAbel Had It Coming.Buttheeditorsandthemov-ersandshakers(allfirstbornsoronlychildren,bytheway)shooktheirheadsandwonoutagainstthislastbornofthefamily.Sonow,voilà!WehavethedescriptiveandexcitingtitleThe Birth Order Book.

Foroverthirty-fiveyearsasapsychologist,I’vestudiedbirthorderandtheroleitplaysinmakingyouthepersonyouweregrowingup—andthepersonyouaretoday.

Manypsychologistsbelievethatbirthorderhastodowithonlytheordinalposition(theorderinwhichyouandyoursiblingswereborn)inthefamily.Butifitwerethatsimple,whywouldyouneedabookonit?Afterall,ifyoucandoanymathatall,itwouldbeeasytofigureoutifyouwereafirstborn,middleborn,orlastborn.

Here’stherub.Whatifyou’reamiddlebornbutyouactlikeafirstborn?Orwhatifyou’reafirstbornbutyouactmorelikeamiddleborn?Orwhataboutifyouarefourthina

Do you wonder why you

feel compelled to act a

certain way—like you’ve

been programmed?




Introduction

15

groupofsevensiblings,spreadthirteenyearsapart?Orwhatifyouaretheonlyboyinafamilyofthreegirls?Theonlygirlinafamilyoffourboys?Whatifthefirstbornhasmentalorphysicalchallenges?Whatisyourbirthorderthen?

WithmorethanthreedecadesofseeingthetruthplayedoutinthelivesofthefamiliesIcounsel,Iamconvincedthatbirthorderisn’tassimpleasmost“experts”trytomakeit.Tomyknowledge,I’mtheonlypsy-chologistwhotakesintoconsid-erationallthevariables,includingthefunctionalposition(whichI’llexplaininthisbook).

Sono,birthorderisn’tsimple,but it is easy tofigureoutwiththeinformationyou’llreadinthisbook.Andonceyoufigureoutyourbirthorder,aswellasthebirthordersofthoseyoulove,you’llbewayaheadofeveryoneelseinthegameoflife.Bythetimeyou’vefinishedreadingThe Birth Order Book,you’llunder-standyourselfbetter,yourlovedonesbetter,yourfriendsbet-ter,andyourco-workersandbossbetter,andyou’llbeabletonavigaterelationshipsinallarenasoflifemuchmoreeasily.

Ifyou’reaparent,I’llrevealthesecretsofhowyoucanbestparentyourfirstborn,middleborn,andlastborn,andwhytreatingeveryone“equally”isn’tthebestmodus operandi.

Ifyou’remarried(orthinkingaboutwalkingthatflower-strewnaisle),I’llgiveyousometipsaboutwhichbirthordercombinationsmakeforthesmoothest-flowingmarriages(andwhy),andwhatyoucandotomakeyourrelationshipthrive—nomatteryourbirthorder—ifyou’realreadymarried.

Ifyou’reinthebusinessworld(part-time,full-time,athome,awayfromhome)oryoudovolunteerwork,commu-nityservice,etc.,you’lllearnhowtouseyournaturalbirthordertothebestofyourabilities,whilealsogettingalongwithandencouragingyourco-workers.

Once you figure out your

birth order, as well as

the birth orders of those

you love, you’ll be way

ahead of everyone else

in the game of life.




16

Introduction

Ifyou’reafirstbornoranonlychild,you’lllearnwhyyou’resodriventodoeverything(anddoitwell),andwhatyoucandoaboutitbeforeyoudriveyourselfcrazyorexhaustyourself.You’llalsolearnwhybooksaresomeofyourbestfriends.

Ifyou’reamiddleborn,you’llfindoutwhyyoualwaysfindyourselfintheroleofmediator,whyyou’reonadiffer-entpaththanyourfirstbornsibling,andhowyoucankeepyourselffrombeingsqueezedinthemiddle.Wealsomightshedsomelightonthatrebelliousstreakyouknowishiddendeepinyourheart.

Ifyou’realastbornlikeme,you’lllearnwhyyouneedsomefirstbornsinyourlife(likemywife,Sande,andmyassistant,Debbie,whohelpkeepeverythingstraightforthisfun-lovingbabyofthefamily).Andyou’llalsofindoutwhysometimesyouneedtowalkjustabitmoresoftlyaroundtheolderonesinthefamily,cutthemalittlemoreslack,andeaseuponthepressurethey’refeelingtobetheperfectrolemodel.

Hmm,IwonderwhatwouldhavehappenedifAbelhadtakenthatquieter,backseatapproachandnotirritatedbigbrotherCainbyout-doinghisefforts.Everthinkthatmaybe,inCain’smind,Abeldidhaveitcoming?

Wanttogetinsidethethoughtsandfeelingsoftheonesyoulove?

Figureoutwhyyoudowhatyoudo?Thisfun,entertaining,informativebookwillshowyouhow.Ican’tcountthetimesI’veheardreaderssay,“Dr.Leman,thisbookhaschangedmylife.AndithaschangedhowIseelifetoo.”

Sowhatareyouwaitingfor?

Want to get inside the

thoughts and feelings

of the ones you love?

Figure out why you

do what you do?




17

1

Birth Order

Does It Really Make Sense?

I can’tcountthetimesI’vebeenaskedthatveryquestionasI’vecounseledindividualsandfamiliesandcrisscrossed

thetalk-showcircuitoverthepastthirty-fiveyears.Myfirstresponseusuallyrunsalongthelinesof“Doesabeargopottyinthewoods?”

Yes,birthordermakessense.Afterall,howelsecanthreeorfouroreveneightlittlecubsbesodifferent,yetcomefromtheverysameden?Birthorderissimple,butit’snotsimplis-tic.Therearestandardbirthorderrules,andtherearealsoexceptionstothestandardbirthorderrules(bothofwhichwe’llalsotalkaboutinthisbook).However,theexceptionsareexplainablewhenyouunderstandhowbirthorderworks.Eventheexceptionsdevelopbecauseofwhenyouwerebornintoyourfamily.Icallityour“branchonthefamilytree,”andthatbranchhashadagreatdealtodowithwhyyouarethewayyouaretoday.




TheBirthOrderBook

18

Whyshouldyoucareaboutbirthorder?Birthordercangiveyousomeimportantcluesaboutyourpersonality;yourrelationshipwithfriends,co-workers,andlovedones;thekindofjobyouhave;andhowyouhandleproblemsolving.

Birthorderisreallythescienceofunderstandingyourplaceinthefamilyline.Wereyoubornfirst?Second?Third?Orevenfartherdownthatline?Whereveryoulanded,ithasaffectedyourlifeincountlessways.

Which Traits Fit You Best?

Whichofthefollowingsetsofpersonalitytraitsfitsyouthebest?Youdon’thavetomeetallthecriteriainacertainlistoftraits.Justpickthelistthathasthemostitemsthatseemtodescribeyouandyourwayofoperatinginlife.

A. perfectionist,reliable,conscientious,alistmaker,wellorganized,harddriving,anaturalleader,critical,seri-ous,scholarly,logical,doesn’tlikesurprises,atechie

B. mediator,compromising,diplomatic,avoidsconflict,independent,loyaltopeers,hasmanyfriends,amav-erick,secretive,usedtonothavingattention

C. manipulative, charming, blames others, attentionseeker,tenacious,peopleperson,naturalsalesperson,precocious,engaging,affectionate,lovessurprises

D. littleadultbyageseven,verythorough,deliberate,highachiever,self-motivated,fearful,cautious,voraciousreader,black-and-whitethinker,talksinextremes,can’tbeartofail,hasveryhighexpectationsforself,morecomfortablewithpeoplewhoareolderoryounger

IfyounotedthatthistestseemedrathereasybecauseA,B,andClistedtraitsoftheoldestrightondowntotheyoungestinthefamily,you’reright.

IfyoupickedA,it’saverygoodbetyou’reafirstborninyourfamily.




BirthOrder

19

IfyouchoseB,chancesareyouareamiddlebornchild(sec-ondbornofthreechildren,orpossiblythirdbornoffour).

IfCseemedtorelatebesttowhoyouare,it’slikelyyouarethebabyinthefamilyandarenotatallhappythatthisbookhasnopictures.(Justkidding—IliketohavealittleextrafunwithlastbornsbecauseI’monemyself.Moreonthatlater.)

ButwhataboutD?Itdescribestheonlychild,andIthrewitinbecauseinrecentyearsIhavebeengettingmoreandmoreques-tionsfromonlychildrenbecausefamiliesingeneralarehavingfewerchildren.Theseonlychildren(alsoknownas“lonelyonlies”)knowthey are firstborns butwant toknowhowtheyaredifferentfrompeoplewhohavesiblings.Well,onewaytheyaredifferentisthattheonlychildisasuperorextremeversionofafirstborn.Theyhavemanyofthesamecharacteristicsoffirstborns,butinmanywaysthey’reinaclassbythemselves.Moreonthatinchapter7.

Noticethatregardingeachmajorbirthorder,Ialwaysqualifythecharacteristicsbysaying“goodbet”or“chancesare.”Notallcharacteristicsfiteverypersoninthatbirthorder.Infact,afirstbornmayhavebabycharacteristics,alastborncansometimesactlikeafirstbornincertainareas,andmiddlechildrenmayseemtobefirstborns.I’veseenonlieswhoyouwouldswearwereyoungestchildren.Therearereasonsfortheseinconsistencies,whichI’llexplainaswegoalong.

Who’s Who?

Birthordercontinuestoberevealingwhenyoulookatwhoisinwhatoccupation.Forexample,statisticsshowthatfirst-bornsoftenfillpositionsofhighauthorityorachievement.Who’s Who in AmericaorAmerican Men and Women in Sciencebothcontainahighpercentageoffirstborns.You

Not all characteristics

fit every person in

that birth order.




TheBirthOrderBook

20

willalsofindthemwellrepresentedamongRhodesscholarsanduniversityprofessors.

Althoughwe’llgetmorefullyintothisinthefollowingchapters,Idefineafirstbornas:

1. Thefirstchildborninafamily.(However,afirstbornchildmaynotalwaysplayafirstbornrole,duetothevariableswe’lldiscuss.)

2. Thefirstchildofthatgenderborninthefamily(thefirstsonorthefirstdaughter,evenifthereareotherchildrenbeforehimorher).

3. Achildwhosenextclosestsame-sexsiblingisfiveormoreyearsolderthanhimorher.

Asforpresidentsandpastors,youguessedit:agreatnum-berofthemarefirstborns.ThewayIdefineafirstborn,28outof44USpresidents(64percent)havebeenfirstbornsorfunc-tional(playtheroleof)firstborns.Infact,8ofthe11whoran

forpresidentinthe2008electionwerefirstbornsonsorafirstborndaughterintheirfamilies.

Anumberofourpresidentswerebornlaterintheirfamilies.Insomecasestheywerebornlast,butinallcasestheywerethefirstbornmalesinthefamily.Thattellsmetheyhadexcellentchancesofdevelop-ingfirstborntraitsandfunctioningasfirstborns,whichundoubtedlyhelpedthembeeffectiveintheirroleofpresidentandleader.(Foracom-pletelist,see“USPresidentsandTheirBirthOrder,”page329.)

Ofcourse,someUSpresidentshavebeenmiddlechildren,andafewhavebeenlastborns,including

Firstborns and Only Children

Reliable and conscientious, they tend to be list makers and black-and-white thinkers. They have a keen sense of right and wrong and believe there is a right way to do things. They are natural lead-ers and achievement oriented.

Only children take those characteris-tics a step further. Books are their best friends. They act mature beyond their years—they are little adults by age 7 or 8. They work independently. And they can’t understand why kids in other families fight.




BirthOrder

21

RonaldReagan,theactorwhomadegoodinWashington.Thebigthreeofbirthorder—firstborn,middlechild,andbaby—wasvividlyrepre-sentedduringthe1992presidentialcampaignwhenincumbentGeorgeBush,BillClinton,andRossPerotsquaredoffinateleviseddebate.Clinton,thefirstborn,wassuave,confident,andloadedwithanswers,andprojectedstrongleadershipabil-ities.Bush,themiddlechild,usedamediatorynegotiatingstyle,evenwhileindebate.Perot,thelastborn,wasanoutrageousbabyandthensome—hard-hitting, outspoken,askinglotsofembarrassingques-tionsofhisopponents,andoftenhavingtheaudienceinstitches.

Inthe2008USpresidentialelec-tion,thefinalfourcontendersforthebiggestjobintheworldwereanonlychild(BarackObama—seepage331forwhyhe’sconsideredanonlychild),afirstborndaughter(HillaryClinton),andtwofirstbornsons(MikeHuckabeeandJohnMcCain).Theretrulyissomethinguniqueaboutfirstborns,theleadersofthepack.

Andpoliticiansaren’ttheonlyones.OncewhenIwasspeakingtoagroupoffiftypastors,Icommentedinpassing,“Pastors,youknow,arepredominantlyfirstborns.”Whentheylookedskeptical,IdecidedtopolltheentiregrouptoseeifIwasright.Forty-threeoutofthefiftywerefirstbornsonsoronlychildren.

Researchbearsoutthatfirstbornsaremorehighlymoti-vatedtoachievethanlaterborns.Amuchgreaterproportion

Middleborns

They’re the hardest to pin down of all the birth orders, but they’ll be the oppo-site of the child above them in the fam-ily. If the firstborn is very conventional, the second will be unconventional. Middle children walk to the beat of a different drummer. They are competi-tive, loyal, and big on friendships.

Being the middle child means living in a sort of anonymous haziness. But that’s not all bad. If a middle child is anonymous, he can get away with oc-casional laziness and indifference. He’s not pushed as hard or expected to ac-complish quite as much as the one who came before him. The drawback is that without being pushed, he may never fulfill his potential. The middle child of the family is often the negotiator who tries to keep the peace.




TheBirthOrderBook

22

offirstbornswindupinprofessionssuchasscience,medi-cine,orlaw.Youalsofindthemingreaternumbersamongaccountants,bookkeepers,executivesecretaries,engineers,andcomputerspecialists.And,ohyes,ofthefirsttwenty-threeAmericanastronautssentintoouterspace,twenty-onewerefirstbornsandtheothertwowereonlychildren.AllsevenastronautsintheoriginalMercuryprogramwerefirstborns.1EvenChristaMcAuliffe,theteacherwhodiedintheill-fatedChallengerspaceshuttlecrashin1986,wasafirstbornwhohadfoursiblings.

Inaddition,arecentstudyannouncedonCNNthat“First-borns’IQstendtobehigherthanthoseoftheiryoungersiblings.”2Why?Noonewasquitesure,butspeculationswerethatthefirstbornsbenefitedfromreceivingmoreoftheir

parents’undividedattentionforawhilebeforesiblingscamealong;theolderchildisgivenmorere-sponsibilityandthusbecomesmoreresponsible,whichbuildsbrain-power;andtheolderchildcarriestheparents’dreams,soheseekstodomoreandgofartherthanhissiblings.

Thepointis,moreoftenthannotyou’llfindfirstbornsinprofessionsthattakeprecision,strongpowersofconcentration,anddoggedmentaldiscipline.3WhenIservedasassis-tantdeanofstudentsattheUniver-sityofArizonawhilealsoearningadoctorate,IalwaysenjoyedtestingthebirthordertheoriesIwaslearn-ing.OnceIaskedafacultymemberoftheCollegeofArchitectureifhehadevernoticedwherethecollege’sfacultymemberscamefromasfar

Lastborns

These social, outgoing creatures have never met a stranger. They are uncom-plicated, spontaneous, humorous, and high on people skills. To them, life’s a party. They’re most likely to get away with murder and least likely to be pun-ished. They often retain their pet name.

But there’s also a flip side to being the youngest. Although they’re the little star in the family constellation, it’s no fun being the smallest, because it means they spend a lot of their time wearing hand-me-downs that are ragged, incredibly out of style, or too big. Being the youngest also means that they get picked on from time to time and maybe get called an unflattering nickname.




BirthOrder

23

asbirthorderwasconcerned.Hegavemeablankstareandmuttered,“Kevin,Ireallyhavetorun.”

Halfayearlaterhestoppedmeoncampusandsaid,“Doyourememberthatcrazyquestionyouaskedmeaboutthebirthorderofourarchitecturalfaculty?Well,Ifinallydecidedtotakeaninformalpoll.Itturnsoutalmosteveryoneofourfacultyiseitherafirstbornortheonlychildinthefamily.”Myfriendwasquiteimpressed.

Iwasgratifiedtoknowthatabasic birth order principle hadprovenoutagain.Peoplewholikestructureandordertendtoenterprofessionsthatareexact-ing.Architectureisoneofthoseprofessions.

How Birth Order Plays Out in Hollywood

Attheotherendofthebirthorderscale,you’llfindalotoflaterbornswhoarecomedians.BabiesofthefamilywhoareknownandlovedbymillionsofmovieandTVfansincludeEddieMurphy,MartinShort,EllenDeGeneres,WhoopiGoldberg,JayLeno,StephenColbert,SteveCarell,JonStew-art,BillyCrystal,DannyDeVito,DrewCarey,JimCarrey,SteveMartin,andChevyChase.OtherbabiesofthefamilywhokeptusinstitchesincludethelatecomicsJohnCandyandCharlieChaplin.

Itshouldbenoted,however,thatnotallcomicsarepurelastborns.WhileSteveMartinisthebabyofhisfamily,hehasanoldersister,whichmakeshimthefirstbornson.BillCosby,oneofthegreatcomediansofalltime,isafirstborn.Heholdsadoctoratedegreeandisaperfectionist.Hegaveallofhischildrennamesbeginningwith“E”—toremindthemtoalwaysseekexcellence.

OtherfirstbornentertainersandactorsincludeHarrisonFord,MatthewPerry,JenniferAniston,AngelinaJolie,Brad

Research bears out

that firstborns are more

highly motivated to

achieve than laterborns.




TheBirthOrderBook

24

Pitt,ChuckNorris,SylvesterStallone,ReeseWitherspoon,andBenAffleck.

Onlychildrenwhoarewellknownfortheirdramatic,andsometimescomedic,rolesincludeRobertDeNiro,LaurenceFishburne,AnthonyHopkins,JamesEarlJones,TommyLeeJones,WilliamShatner,andRobinWilliams.

Newscastersandtalk-showhostsontelevisionareoftenfirstbornsandonlychildren.Whileonatourofthirty-onecities,Ididalittlesurveyandlearnedthatoutofninety-twotalk-showhosts,onlyfivewerenotfirstbornsoronlies.Justafewofthemorewell-knownfirstborntalk-showper-sonalitiesareOprahWinfrey(whowasalsonominatedforanAcademyAwardinherfirstmovie,The Color Purple);BillO’Riley;CharlesGibson(theyoungestinhisfamily,buttrustme,hefunctionsmoreasafirstborn—moreaboutthatlater);GeraldoRivera;andthespokesmanforexcellenceinbroadcastinghimself,RushLimbaugh.

The Leman Tribe

Inmanyfamiliesthethreebirthorderpositions—firstborn,middleborn,andlastborn—areplayedoutinmoreorlessclassicstyle.ThefamilyIgrewupinisagoodexample.Letmeintroduceyoutothem.Myparents,JohnandMayLeman,hadthreechildren:

Sally—firstbornJohnJr.(Jack)—middlechild(firstbornson),bornthree

yearslaterKevin(Cub)—babyofthefamily,bornfiveyearsafter

Jack

Sally,eightyearsmysenior,isaclassicfirstbornwholivesinasmalltowninwesternNewYork.Becausewehaveourownsummerplaceonalakenearby,weallgettodropinat




BirthOrder

25

herimmaculatehomefromtimetotimeeverysummervaca-tion.ThefirstthingwenoticewhenwecomethroughSally’sfrontdooristheclearvinylrunnerleadingtoeveryroominthehouse.Wegetthemessage:thou shalt not walk on the blue carpet except when absolutely necessary.

TosaySallyisneatasapindoesn’tquitebegintotellthestory.Isuspectthatfromtimetotimesheironsherwelcomemat!Perhapsyouusethosegarbagebagsthathavedraw-strings?Sallydoestoo,andshetiesbowsonhers.I’veevencaughtherstraighteningupthebrochuresinabanklobbywhilesheawaitedherturn.(Nokidding.)

Inshort,whateverSallydoes,shedoesitclassyandshedoesitright.Allherlifeshehasbeenconfident,creative,artistic,scholarly,andwellliked.ShewasacheerleaderinhighschoolandaNationalHonorSocietytype.Shebecameahomeeconomicsteacherandapreschooldirector,andshe’sevenwrittentwobooks.4

NooneintheLemanclancanforgetthetimeweallwentcampinghighintheSierraNevadas.Afteraterrificdayinthegreatout-of-doors,wewereallreadytohopintooursleepingbags.Becauseateightorninethousandfeetitgetsrathernippyatnight,eveninthesummer,mostofusplannedtosleepinourclothes.NotSally.Whenshecameoutofhertenttosaygoodnight,shewasattiredinherusualclassynightie.Shecouldn’tfigureoutwhythatwassofunnytotherestofus.That’sSally.Whynotaddalittleclasstothecampsitetoo?

Butbeingperfectatwhatyoudocanhaveitsdrawbacksaswell.Sallyhasbutterfliesatleasttwodaysbeforegivingasmalldinnerparty.Biggerdinnerpartiescausebutterfliesforaweekortendays.Naturallyeverythingmustbecolorcoordinated:thenapkinsmatchthenapkinholders,whichmatchthedecoroftheformaldiningroom,whichmatch...well,yougettheidea.I’mconvincedthatifmysisterhadtheopportunity,she’dputnewspaperunderthecuckooclock—justincase.




TheBirthOrderBook

26

OncewhenIwasthekeynotespeakerataconferenceandSallywasdoingaworkshopatthesameconference,wehadbreakfasttogetherat9:05.

“So,Kevin,”shesaid,“whatareyouspeakingabout?”Isippedmycoffeecasually.“Ihaven’tdecidedyet.”Shegasped.“Whatdoyoumean?Youmustknowwhat

you’respeakingabout.You’regoingtobespeakingin55minutes!”

“Well,I’lllookatthepeopleandthenI’lldecide.”

Shewinced.“You’remakingmystomachturn.”

If you’reafirstborn,youcanidentifywithmybigsisterrightnow,becausethere’snotafirstbornonearthwhogetsupandwingsit.

Firstbornsareprepared,organized,andreadytogetthingsdone.Butifyou’reababy?You’resaying,“Waytogo,Dr.Leman.Justrollwiththepunches.”

SofirstinourfamilywasSally,theperfectionist.Bornsecondinourfamilywasmybrother,Jack.Typical

ofalotofmiddlechildren,hisprecisepersonalitytraitsareabitmoredifficulttopindown.Butsecondbornchildrenareknownforgoinginexactlytheoppositedirectionfromthefirstborninthefamily.Typicallythemiddlechildisamediatorandanegotiatorwhoavoidsconflict.Hecanbearealparadox—independentbutextremelyloyaltohispeergroup.Hecanbeamaverickwithmanyfriends.Heisusuallytheonetoleavehomefirst;hefindshisrealcompanionshipoutsidethefamilycirclebecauseheoftenfeelsleftoutofthingsathome.

InJack’scase,hedidn’tgoinacompletelyoppositedirec-tionfromSally.Healsoturnedouttobeextremelyconscien-tious,serious,andscholarly.Butsinceallofthesetraitsareonesbelongingtofirstborns,whathappenedtoJack?Well,hewasafunctionalfirstborn—thefirstbornmaleintheLemanfamily.(Moreaboutthisinchapter8.)

I’m convinced that

if my sister had the

opportunity, she’d

put newspaper under

the cuckoo clock.




BirthOrder

27

OneclassicmiddlechildtraitthatJackpossessedwastobeatrailblazerwhowaswillingtomovefarawayfromfam-ilyrootsinupperNewYorkState.Sallyfollowedtheclassicfirstborntraitofstayingwithtraditionandstilllivesjustafewmilesfromwhereweallgrewup.But if Jackhadn’tmadethemajorindependentbreakthroughoftravelingallthewaytoTucsonto do his graduatework at theUniversityofArizona,neithermyparentsnorIwouldhaveendeduplivingthere.Asitwas,myparentsfollowedJacktoTucson.IcamealongaswellandhavelivedinTucsoneversince,formorethanforty-fiveyears.

AndthentherewaslittleKevin,whocamealongfiveyearsafterJack.Mybirthorderruleofthumbsaysthatwhenthereisafive-tosix-yeargapbetweenchildren,thenextchildstartsa“newfamily,”andyoucanmakeaneducatedguessthatheorshewillbeafirstbornpersonalitytypeinsomeways.Whenthereisagapofseventotenyears(ormore),thenextchildfallsintothe“quasi–onlychild”categorybecausetherearesomanyyearsbetweenhimorherandthesiblingabove.5

Keepinmind,however,thattheserulesofthumbaresubjecttohowthechildisparentedplusotherinfluencesthatoccurwithinthefamilyconstellation.Inmycase,forexample,theruleofthumbwentoutthewindowforonegoodrea-son.Mybrothertookalltheheat,becausemyparentsexpectedalotmorefromhimthanfromhisbabybrother. Jack’s given namewasJohnE.LemanJunior.Hewastobethemedicaldoctormyfatherhadalwayswantedtobebutcouldn’tbecausehewasverypoorandonlyfinishedeighthgrade.DadprojectedontoJack

Secondborn children

are known for going

in exactly the opposite

direction from the

firstborn in the family.

When there is a five- to

six-year gap between

children, the next child

starts a “new family.”




TheBirthOrderBook

28

hisowndreamsofafineprofessionandhisownfearsofnotbeingsomebody.Withthatkindofpressureonhim,youcanseewhyJacktookonmanyfirstborntraits.Whilehedidn’tendupasurgeonorananesthesiologist,hedidbecomeanextremelyconscientiousPhDinclinicalpsychologywithhisownprivatepractice.

Asforme,Iwasnicknamed“LittleCub,”andthehandlestuck.Butinsteadofbeingignoredandlefttomyself,asmanylastbornsare,Ibecamethefamilymascotwhowasalways

gettingintosomething.Babiesof the family are very

perceptive,andIlearnedveryearlythatIhadtwosuperstarsaheadofme.Iquicklydecidedtherewasn’tawholelotIcoulddobywayofachievementtogainattention.Myonlyrealaccomplishmentfrompre-schoolupthroughhighschoolwas

playingonthebaseballteam—thatis,whenIwaseligible,usuallythefirstsixweeksofthespringsemesterbeforegradescameout.(Thattellsyourightoffthebatabitaboutmyaca-demicrecordsinschool.)Jack,astarquarterback,neverboth-eredwithbaseball.InwesternNewYork,highschoolfootballwasthemajorsport,whilebaseballwasforhardytypeswillingtoputupwithfreezingtodeathbeforesmallcrowdsinspringweatherthatoftenincludedlatesnowstorms.

ButLittleCubwasn’tgoingtobeleftout.WhatIlackedinachievementImadeupforinmischievousness.Ibecameamanipulative,charming,engaging,andsometimesdevil-ishlittleshow-off.Atageeight,whiletryingtoleadacheerformysister’shighschoolteam,Ifoundmytruecallinginlife.Ilearnedthatentertainersgetattention.SoentertainIdid,especiallyformyclassmatesallthroughgradeschoolandhighschool.Igainedincredibleskillatdrivingteachersalittlecrazy.IknowtheyheavedasighofreliefwhenKevinLemangraduatedatlast.

Babies of the family

are very perceptive,

and I learned very

early that I had two

superstars ahead of me.




BirthOrder

29

It All Comes Back to That Family Tree

Asyoulookbackonyourgrowing-upyears,youtoocanprobablycomeupwithacastofcharacterssimilartotheLemankids:thegoodstudents,theathletes,theperformers,theattentiongetters,andtheoneswhoarehardtopigeon-hole.Afterallmyyearsofresearching,studying,andhelpingfamilieslikeyours,Iamsureofonlyafewthings:

1. There is no greater influence during your growing-up years than your family.Yes,Iknowaboutallthetimeyouspendinschool,LittleLeague,Brownies,andmusiclessons.Butallthosethingsarejustadropinthebucketcomparedtowhatgoesonathome.Duringthoseearlyyears,yourparentsandsiblings(ifany)makeanindeliblepsychologicalimprint,affectingyourpersonality.Andthatfamilyinfluencetendstopersistthroughtheyearsandacrossthemilesasyougrowupandmoveaway.6

2. The most intimate relationships in life are with your family—theoneyougrewupinandtheoneyoumakeforyourselfthroughmarriage.Butthefamilyyougrewupinhastheinsidetrack.Ifyou’remarried,thinkabouthowlongyou’vebeenmarried.Nowthinkabouthowlongyou’veknownyoursiblings.Someofyouhaveknownyoursiblingsallyourlives.Likeitornot,youaretiedtoyoursiblingswithbondsstrongerthaneventhemarriagebondsthattieyoutoyourmate.Andyouhaveknownyourparent(s)allyourlifeaswell.

Livinginafamily,then,isauniqueanddistinctiveexperience.Theintimaterelationshipsthatdevelopinthefamilycanbefoundnowhereelseonearth.7Andtheserelationshipsarecreatedingreatpartbyyourorderofbirth.

3. The relationship between you and your parents is fluid, dynamic, and all-important.Everytimeachildisborn,theentirefamilyenvironmentchanges.Howparentsin-




TheBirthOrderBook

30

teractwitheachchildasheorsheentersthefamilycircledeterminesingreatpartthatchild’sfinaldestiny.

Imentionedearlierthatmyfather,averyhardworkingman,neverhadtheopportunitytogobeyondeighthgrade.Thatlackofschoolingwassomethinghealwaysregretted.Hewantedverymuchforatleastoneofhissonstobeamedicaldoctor.Idon’tthinkhewaspartialtodoctorsbecauseofanyvisionsofsavingtheworldfromdiseaseanddeath.Hejustknewthat

doctorswerewelleducatedandwellpaid,andhewantedhischildrentohaveabetter,easierlifethanhehad.Sotheimportanceofeduca-tionbecameamajorvaluethatmyfathercommunicatedtoallofhischildren—eventobearcubKevin,whodidn’tshowasmuchpromise(orinterest)astheolderchildren.

Didmydad’svaluesandspeechesabouteducationsinkin?Well,theresults tell their own story. Sis-terSallygotAsallherlife,rightupthroughamaster’sprogram.BrotherJackisaclinicalpsycholo-

gist,andsomehowbearcubKevinwoundupapsychologisttoo.SallyandJackwerenogreatsurprise.Theyhaditrightfromthestart.ButhowdidKevin,theclownprince,getadoctor’sdegree?Oneansweris,“Withagreatdealofdiffi-culty!”Fornow,let’sleaveitintheminor-miraclecategory.Myhighschoolteachersmightevenlabelitamajormiracle.Infact,Iknowtheywould.

Use Birth Order to Your Advantage

Asyoureadthisbookandlearnmoreaboutwhyyouarethewayyouare,you’llfindpracticalwaystouseyourparticular

Every time a child is

born, the entire family

environment changes.

How parents interact

with each child as

he or she enters the

family circle determines

in great part that

child’s final destiny.




BirthOrder

31

birthordertoyouradvantageinpersonalrelationshipsandeveninthebusinessworld.

Howdoesyourbranchfitonyourfamily’stree?Allofussproutinourownuniquedirectionandmakeourownuniquecontributions.Butasyoubegintounderstandbirthorderandhowitinfluencesyou,youcanimproveyourrelationshipsineveryarenaoflife.You’llevengetsomecluesaboutthekindofjobsyouenjoy (and theones youdon’t),andwhy.You’llalsodiscoverhowtogetalongbetterwithbossesandco-workers—whetherinbusinessorcommunityservice.

Whenyouthinkaboutit,isn’teverythinginlifeaboutrelation-ships?Ifyouwalkedontoacarlotandnosalesmangreetedyouwithasmile,howwouldyoubuyacar,andhowwouldhemakeasale?Businessisallaboutrelationships.

Andwhataboutrelationshipswithfriendsoracquain-tances?Isn’titinterestingthat,inmakingfriends,birdsofafeatherdoflocktogether?Youidentifywithfriendsofthesamebirthorder.Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,justdoapollofyourfriendsandseewhattheirbirthordersare.Forexample,everysummerwespendtimeinwesternNewYorkState,whereIgrewup.Mywife,mysister,andthewifeofmylifelongfriendMoonhead—allfirstborns—lovetogotogethertoyardsales,antiqueshops,andartsandcraftsshows.Theyenjoypas-sionatelypursuingthesamekindsoftreasures.(Icallthem“expensivejunk”—outoftheirhearing,ofcourse.)

Isittruethatpeoplewhoareverymuchalikegetalongbestinmarriage?No,mostoftenmarriagepartnerswhoaretooalikedon’tgetalongwellbecausethey’realwaystreadingoneachother’sterritory.(It’swhyyoudon’toftenseetwotaxaccountantsmarriedtoeachother.)Coupleswhoarediffer-entfromeachotherandworktounderstandandappreciate

How does your branch

fit on your family’s tree?

All of us sprout in our

own unique direction

and make our own

unique contributions.




TheBirthOrderBook

32

thosedifferencesaretheoneswhogetalongbest.Goodol’varietyisthespiceoflife.

AsthepeopleI’vecounseledbetterunderstandbirthorder,they’vebeenabletoturntheirlivesaround.Forexample,Janfinallyunderstood why her husband,John,wasalways sopicky.AndJohn gained insight into Jan’s

“littlegirl”waysthatweredrivinghimmorebonkersbytheday.BirthorderalsohelpsMomandDadgetahandleonwhy10-year-oldFletchercangothroughlifeoblivioustohisopenflyandC+averagewhilehis13-year-oldsisterhasstraightAs—andagoodstartonanulcer.

Guessing Who’s Firstborn

WhereverIgo,Imakeitafunhobbytoguessthebirthorderofwaitresses,cabdrivers,orthepeoplewhoattendthemarriageandparentingseminarsIconductaroundthecountry.

Forexample,duringaseminarItakeaquicklookaroundandspottenpeopleIbelievearefirstbornoronlychildren.Forthisfirstspot-check,Igojustbyphysicalappearance.ThefolksIpicklooklikethey’vesteppedoffthecoverofGlamourmagazineoroutofanadforBrooksBrotherssuits.They’reeasytospotbecauseeveryhairisinplaceandtheyarecolorcoordinatedfromheadtotoe.RightthereinfrontofeveryoneIgooutonalimbandguessthateachpersonIselectisafirstbornoronlychild.Iusuallyhitnineoutoften—andoftentenoutoften.

This“prediction”startsanervousrustlinginthecrowd,whobeginstothinkI’mdoingsomesortofparlortrick(orthatI’mafugitivefromapsychichotline).ThenIbegintoexplain.

Thetypicalfirstbornisusuallyeasytorecognize.They’realmostalwaysneatlydressedandwellgroomed.Thelast-borns?They’retheonesstillhangingaroundtalkingbythe

Good ol’ variety is

the spice of life.




BirthOrder

33

punchbowlatthebackoftheroom,andtheyhaven’tevenrealizedI’vestartedtospeakyet.Themiddlechildrenarethehardestofalltoidentify,becausethey’velearnedtonegoti-atethatmiddlegroundsosuccessfullythatthelinesofwhotheyarecanbecomeblurred,dependingonwhichotherbirthordersthey’respendingtimewith.

WhenIfinishexplaining,Icanseethe“aha”ontheseminarattendees’faces,becausethey’verecognizedthemselves—andthetruthaboutbirthorder—inmystatements.

SometimesIalsodoabirthorderdemonstrationatmyseminars.While in Phoenix re-cently,Ipickedamanoutoftheaudience.IneightminutesIeasilyidentifiedhisbirthorderaswellasthatofhiswifebyaskingonlyafewquestions.WhenIaskedhimtodescribehimself,hesaidhewasalonerandareaderandheappreci-atedorderinhislife.(Areyouget-tinganycluesyet?)ThenIaskedhimtodescribehismother.Whenhesaidshewasveryloving,veryconcernedabouthim,veryintuitive,andaverygoodmom,IknewIhadafirstbornonmyhands.

Mynextquestionwaswhetherornothehadmarriedhisoppositebirthorder(whichsupposedlyguaranteesmorehappiness)orwhetherhehadpossibly“marriedhismother.”Ohyes,Ihadhismotherpeggedasaperfectionist,becauseshehadbeenverylovingandconcernedabouthim.Itwasmyguessthathiswifewasalsoverylovingbuthadacriticaleyeamilewideandwasaspowerfulastheycome.SoIwentoutonalimbabitandspeculatedthathiswifewasquiteprotectiveandaperfectionist,thattherewasarightwaytoapproachher,andthatsheprobablylikedtohandlethingsherself.“Myguessis,whenyou’redriving,she’squicktocriticizeyou,”Isaid.

When he said she

was very loving, very

concerned about him,

very intuitive, and a very

good mom, I knew I had

a firstborn on my hands.




TheBirthOrderBook

34

“Worsethanthat,”hesaid.“Shedoesn’tletmedrive.”“Oh,you’retheguy!”Isaid.“Isawyougobytheother

day.Youwereintheback,buckledintoyourcarseat.”Justthenhiswife,whowassittingbackintheaudience,

clappedherhandoverhermouthandsaidveryloudly,“Ohmygosh,I’mjustlikemymother!”Nodoubtsheis.Withbirthorderinfamilies,whatgoesaroundcomesaround.Canyouseeitinyourfamilytoo?

I Batted .500 on The Today Show

Whataboutspottingbabiesofthefamily?Theyareofteneasytoidentify.Forexample,whilebeinginterviewedbyKatieCouric,formercohostofTheToday Show,Itoldherthatshewasababyinherfamily,probablywithtwoolderbrothersandtwooldersisters.

ItturnedoutIwasonebrotheroff,butKatie’smouthstilldroppedopenandshesortofstuttered,“Well,yes.Buthowdidyouknow?”

Iquicklyexplainedthatwhileshewasbeautifullydressedandperfectlygroomed,herperky,affectionatenaturegaveheraway.AssheworkedwithBryantGumbel,sheoftentouchedhimorgrabbedhisarm—herveryengagingnaturecameacrossloudandclear.OffcameraKatieletmeknowshedidn’tlikebeingcalled“perky”verymuch,butshehadtoadmitIwasright.Thewholebirthorderconceptstillstruckherasrathermysterious.Icouldtellthatthestaffwhohadbeenfilmingtheinterviewenjoyedittoo—theywerechuckling.

When Roles Are Reversed

Sometimesextenuatingcircumstancestweakthenaturalbirthordersequence.Theresultisthatalaterbornchildmayactlikeafirstborn,orafirstborncanseemtohavecharacteristics




BirthOrder

35

thatareinconsistentwiththewayfirstbornsare“supposed”toact.

EveryonewascertainthatAlan—acapable,brightfirstborn—wouldflyhighinthebroadcastingworld.Justthreeyearsbelowhimwasayoungerbrother,Luke.Interest-ingly,bothendedupinbroadcast-ing,butLukewastheonewhostolethelimelight.

Nowwhywas that?You see,sometimes a lastborn inheritsthefirstbornrolebydefaultdueto...

But wait, I’m getting aheadofmyself.Allthatiscomingupnext.

Sometimes extenuating

circumstances tweak

the natural birth order

sequence. The result is

that a laterborn child

may act like a firstborn,

or a firstborn can seem

to have characteristics

that are inconsistent

with the way firstborns

are “supposed” to act.




Documents

Birth The - Baker Publishing Groupassets.bakerpublishinggroup.com/.../files/Excerpt_9780800734060.pdf · Birth The Order Book ... ave you ever wondered why your sister or your brother