Billy Baxters Letters - Forgotten Books · ACE TO 1 91 3 EDITION ... because many of the expressions used in Billy Baxter ... three barrels on that gun I would have nailed a duck,

A 11 rzg/zts reserved .

COPYRIGHT, I899

BYWM . J . KO! NT! , JR

“B OPYRIGHT,1 899

BYWM . J . KO! NT! , JR.

COPYRIGHT, 1 899

BY WM . J . KO ! NT! , JR.

COPYRIGHT, 1 899

BY GEO. McC . KO! NT!

COPYRIGHT, 1 899

BY GEO. McC. KO! NT!

COPYRIGHT, 1 899

BY GEO. McC. KO! NT!

C O NT ENT S

PRE! ACE

O ! T H! NTING

ONE NIGHT

IN SOCIETY

IN LOVE

IN NEW YORK

JOHNNY BLACK’S GIRL

PRE ! ACE TO 1 91 3 EDITION

In presenting a new edition of B illy

Baxter ’s Letters we need only refer the

reader to the original preface, which sets

forth the circumstances surrounding the

initial publ ication .

B illy Baxter claimed, for his slang, that

it was up to date , but time has proven

that it was far in advance of date,only

because many of the expressions used in

B illy Baxter ’s Letters did not come into

common use until upwards of ten years

after the publication of the famous

stories .

We offer this re - issue of B illy Baxter ’s

Letters to our American friends in the

hope that it will come with as much sun

shine to the present generation as the

original edition did to the past .

THE RED RAVEN CORPORATION.

PRE ! ACE

!Origina l!

In presenting this work, we believe

that an explanation is due the reader

as to why the letters are given in their

present form at this time .

The first book published,

“ One

Night,” was “ issued by The Duquesne

Distributing Company !now known as

The Red Raven Corporation! to showits great love for the American peo

ple,and to incidentally advertise the

‘ R—R—S Its success was im

mediate .

“ In Society appeared February I ,

1 899, and scored as promptly as “ One

Night .” The demand for the book

lets was phenomenal , and Mr . Kountz

received thousands of friendly letters

applauding him for his humor . He

also received flattering offers from the

PRE ! ACE vii

lead ing comic weeklies,the metropol i

tan dail ies,and great advertisers

throughout the Union . He decl ined

them all,being primari ly a bus iness

man,and carrying l iterature on ly as

a side l ine .

On May I st“ In Love wa s g iven to

the publ ic,w ith the prom ise that “ In

New York” wou ld fol low on October

I st. On the even ing of August 9th ,Wil l iam J . Kountz

, Jr.,turned to the

writer of thi s preface,and referr ing to

“ In New York,

” said : “We l l I ’m

through,al l but go ing over it. He

never returned to h i s office,and on

August 1 8th he d ied in the room where

he was born not quite thirty - two years

before.

We then conce ived the idea of put

ting the letters out in the ir present

form,as a last tribute to the author

,

who in less than a year ’ s work l ifted

himse lf into a place among the nation ’ s

humorists .

We have reproduced on ly such of

vii i PRE ! ACE

the prefaces and advertisements as

have been w idely discussed for their

humorous qual ity,and which the

author ’ s friends msrsted should not

be om i tted .

The two heretofore unmentioned let

ters were discovered after the author ’ s

death,and are publ ished in the rough

,

as they were found .

“ Out Hunting”

is based on a trip wh ich actual ly took

place,and from personal knowledge

contains a good deal of fact. It was

doubtless written before One Night,and for that reason is given priority

in the arrangement.“ Johnny Black ’ s Girl” i s mere ly a

scrap,and is inserted as such . It

shows,however

,that the author had

a tear for pity as well as an eye for the

ridiculous.

GEO. Mcc. KouNTz .

H! NTING

“How THEY b ID IN A PLAY

O! T H! NTINGO 0

a

PITTSB ! RG,Septémbé

'

z; 55 , i89&,

DEAR J IM

1 am j ust back from St . Pau l,where

I spent a couple of days with Teddy

Worthington . Teddy and Bud Hath

away of Ch icago were going on a

shooting trip in the B ig Woods of

Minnesota,and they asked me to go

with them . It was new deal for me,

so of course I was for it. I h ired a

hammerless breech - loader for seven a

week,borrowed a lot of fish ing- tack le

,

and bought a hunting - knife with a

nickel - plated hand le . It was a beaut,

and stood me three fifty. A fel low

can never be too careful . Up there

you are l ikely any minute to come face

to face w ith an Apache or some old

3

4 B ILLY BAXTER’

s LETTERS

left - over Aztec rubbering around

among the trees .

At the last minute Bud Hathaway ’ s

father had to die,so j ust Teddy and

myself went, After we left the train

we.“mafi‘

iwenty miles in a wagon to

! reshwater Lak e , which was our desti!na t

’

a -

n, ”We house where we stayed

was kept by a half breed guide named

Sarpo,and wi th him lived his two sons

and his second wife,who was a young

white girl,and not a bad looker at

that.

The next morn ing we started out

after ducks . I made a horrible bluff

that I was one of the o ld boys at the

bus iness,and that I was on to every

thing— ti l l it came to load ing my ham

merless,and there ’ s where I went to

the bad . I couldn ’ t get the blamed

thing open . Teddy handed me a few

of his k ind l ittle remarks,and I got

back at him with something personal .

He got sore . No thoroughbred kid

der would have grown personal,but I

https://www.forgottenbooks.com/join

6 BILLY BAXTER ’S LETTERS

three barre ls on that gun I wou ld

have nai led a duck,a duck and a half

,

or two ducks,as I was j ust getting

good . I loaded up,and I must have

been flustered a bit,as I b lew one of

the decoys clear into the next block.

Then things again assumed their

usual hunter ’ s attitude,and after si t

ting for another hour we paddled over

to our sai l - boat and started down the

lake for the house . It was blowing

pretty hard,and the sky was blacker

than Pittsburg. The sk ipper said

something about a squall,but it didn ’ t

hit us unti l we were about two hun

dred yards from the dock Then we

got it,and got i t good . It was but

tercups and daisies . Thunder,l ight

ning,rain

,and al l the side dishes .

I ’d have given eight dol lars to have

seen a cable car coming along about

that time The skipper yel led to me

to ease off the larboard stay. Now,

I might know something about m ince

pie,but a larboard stay is not my long

O! T H ! NT ING 7

and h asty . Then some one pushed

me aside,and succeeded in putting

th ings in such excel lent shape that we

ran plumb through the dock . It was

great !

That night we sat around,a nd

Sarpo and his sons told some funny

stories . My,but they were to the

sa dd ings ! I told one of my best, and

nobody fi l tered but Teddy.

The next morn ing at five we took

the dogs and started out after deer.

They have what they cal l run - ways or

deer passes,and the deer always go

the same route . They ought to have

better sense,although as far as I am

concerned they are perfectly safe .

They put me on one of the passes,

behind a lot of underbrush . We l l,I

sa t and sat unti l I went to sleep,but

I slept w ith one eye open . Deadwood

D ick and al l the great scouts and

trappers had the one - eye - open hab it.

I was awakened by hearing something

crack , and there stand ing about

8 B ILLY BAXTER ’S LETTERS

twenty feet away with its side turned

to me was a deer. It must have be

longed to the fair sex,as it had no

horns . Talk about shaking ! I would

have shaken my best friend . I final ly

pul led myself together,and remem

bering the ducks,I let her have both

barrels at once . She k icked her feet

up in the air,turned her head

,and on

the level,she gave me the laugh and

cut into the woods . I bel ieve she saw

me al l the time,and knew I was a

lobster.

On the way back I met the half :

breed,and we walked together. On

reaching the house we happened to

glance through the window,and there

was Teddy with his arm around the

young wife ’ s waist. Teddy always

was a rubber. It was lovely cards for

a while,and Teddy worked the old

gag that he was showing her how they

did in a play,but She wasn ’ t wise

enough to fol low it up,SO we had to

leave

O! T H ! NTING 9

While return ing on the train I made

the horrib le discovery that I had been

us ing my buckshot on the ducks and

my birdshot on the deer. I can see

how the deer got away,but I ’ l l sa y

one th ing,and that is

,that if a pass

ing duck had ever reached his m itt

out for one of those buckshot he would

have thought Rus ie was do ing the

p i tch ing . He would have got i t fine

and daisy.

I am not for the country. Theyhave ticks

,j iggers

,and gnats

,al l

do ing a nice conservative bus iness at

once . You never had a tick on you,

did you,J im ! We l l

,a tick is a very

busy l ittle cup of tea . First,he ’ l l

craw l al l over you,and then se lect a

spot on the back d irectly between the

shou lder b lades,where you can ’ t

reach him . I talked to a man who

was up on ticks,and he said a tick

was w iser than a bedbug. Now,you

take a bedbug whose head is perfectly

c lear, and ,who hasn ’ t been . d rinking

I O B ILLY BAXTER S LETTERS

or smoking too much,and there won ’ t

be many men on Wall Street much

wiser than he is. Well,after a tick

gets his place picked out,he burrows

in under the skin,then dies and fes

ters . You wouldn ’ t catch a bedbug

stand ing for that martyr game .

There Should be some kind of a law

against gnats . About two hundred of

them wil l stay right in front of your

eyes unti l one of them gets an open

ing ; then he’ l l cut in and land a j ab

,

and the other hundred and ninety - nine

wil l give you the fB ig Minnehaha. I

had so many lumps on me when I got

back to St. Paul that they cal led me

Pneumatic Wil l ie .

Talk about your sylvan del ls and

sweet - scented fragrance ! Why,an

asphalt street ha s a sylvan del l Skinned

to death,and a twelve - per - cent soap

factory is sweet enough for me .Yours a s ever

,

B ILLY.

P. S .—Good night. I am for the

sleeps .

ONE N IGHT


Admz'

m l Dewey’

s Letter

In November, 1 898, we sent Admiral Dewey a copy OI

One Night.” The appended letter i s photographed fromthe original reply addressed to the president of our company , which was received March 9, 1 899.

! LAG SHIP OLYMPIA

We a lso sent a copy to His R0 3 ! H ighness, Albert,Prince ofWales, and hav ing hea nothing from h im,

I t

now looks as though A! were goin to snub us. ! nder theci rcumstances , when he runs for mg we can ’ t be forh im .

SAY, WAITER , PLEASE LOOK AS PLEASANT AS POSSIB LE

ONE N IGHT

PITTSB ! RG,PA .

,August

,1 89

DEAR J IM

You remember I wrote you about a

sack su it I ordered last week . Well,

it came yesterday,and you know the

finish . Why can ’ t a fe l low put on a

new suit,make a few cal ls

,and go

home l ike a gentleman ! The minute

I got into that su it,I fe l l off the water

wagon with an awful bump,although

I hadn ’ t touched a drink for th irty

seven days . Oh ! But I got a lovely

bun on . That ’ s the last . No more

for me . There ’ s nothing in it. I f

anybody says,

Have someth ing,

B i l ly,

” you ’ ll see your Uncle B i l l take

to the trees .

Yesterday at I had a hundred

1 5

1 6 B ILLY BAXTER ’S LETTERS

and ten dol lars ; this morning I’m

there with a dol lar eighty,and that ’ s

the draw out of a two - dol lar touch .

If there i s any truth in the old saying

that money talks,I am certainly deaf

and dumb to - day. Besides,I have a

card in my pocket which says I ’ve

opened up a running account of thirty

two forty at George ’ s place . I won

der i f this George i s on the level,be

cause I ’ l l swear I don ’ t th ink I was in

there at al l . I ’ l l bet he stuck the

forty on,anyway. You know me

,

J im ; I am one of those bright people

who tries to keep up with a lot of guys

who have nothing to do but blow their

coin . I stood around yesterday and

looked wise,and l icked up about four

high - bal ls ; then I k ind of stretched .

Whenever I give one of those l ittle

stretches and swel l up a bit,that ’ s a

S ign I am commenc ing to get wealthy.

I sw itched over and took a couple of

gin fi z z es,and then i t hit me I was

richer than Jay Gould ever was ; I had

ONE NIGHT I 7

the Rothschilds backed Clear off the

board ; and I made Wil l iam H . V a n

derbilt look l ike a hundred - to - one

shot. You understand,J im

,th is was

yesterday. I got a l i ttle red spot in

each Cheek,and then I leaned over

the bar and whispered,

“ Mr. Bar

tender,break a bottle of that Pom

mery.

” Ordinari ly I cal l the booze

c lerk by h is first name,but when you

are cutting into the grape at four do l

lars per,you always want to sa y Mr.

Bartender,and you shou ld a lways

whisper,or j ust nod your head each

time you open a new bottle,as it

makes i t appear as though you were

accustomed to ordering wine . You

see,J im

,that ’ s where I go o ff my dip .

That w ine affa ir i s an awfu l stunt for

a fe l low who makes not over two thou

sand a year,carri es ten thousand l ife

,

and rooms in a flat that ’ s fifteen a

month stronger than he can stand .

But to continue,I lost the push I

started out w ith,and got mixed up

1 8 B ILLY BAXTER’

S LETTERS

with a fel low named Thorne,or

Thorpe,or something like that

,and

we got along great for a whi le. He

knew a lot of fel lows in Boston that I

did,and every time we struck a new

mutual friend we opened another bot

tle . I don ’ t know j ust what the total

population of Boston is,but we must

have known everybody there . Pi

nal ly Thorne got to crying because his

mother had d ied. You know I am a

good fel low,so I cried too. I always

cry some time during a bat,and there

wa s an opening for your l ife. I cried

so hard that the bartender had to ask

me to stop three”

different times . I

made Niobe look l ike a two - spot.

Between sobs I asked him about the

sad affair,and found that h is mother

had d ied when he wa s born . I guess

it had j ust struck him . Then there

were doings .

I had wasted a wad of cries that

would float the Maine,and I was sore

for fair. A fat fel low cut into the



They looked fine and daisy last night,

though . Probably the grape . My

girl ’ s name was Estelle . Wouldn ’ t

that scald you ! Estelle handed me a

lot of talk about having seen me on

the street for the last two yea rs,and

how she had always been dying to

meet me,and I got swelled up and

bought wine l ike a horse owner.

Johnny was shaking his head and

motioning for me to chop,but what

cared I ! Estel le was saying,

“ He

done it,

” “ I seen it,

” and “ Usen ’ t

you ! right along,but the grape

stood for everything.

Estelle ’ s friend was talk ing about

her piano,and how hard it was to get

good servants nowadays,and say

,Jim

,

I ’ve heard knockers in my time,but

Estel l e is the original leader of the

anvil chorus . She just put everybody

in town on the pan and roasted them

to a whisper. She could build the

best battlesh ip Dewey ever sa w with

her l i ttl e hammer. Estel le ’ s friend,

ONE NIGHT 2 I

after much urging,then sang a p a

thetic ballad entitled,

“ She Should Be

Scolded,but Not Turned Adrift

,

”

and I sa t there with one eye shut,so

that I could see single,and kept sa y

ing,Per

’

fiy be a uf’

ful .”

About thi s time I commenced to

forget. I remember getting an awful

rise out of Estel le by remarking that

her switch d idn ’ t match her hair. She

came up l ike,

a human yeast cake .

Johnny sided with the dame,and said

I might at least try to act l ike a

gentleman,even if I weren ’ t one .

Perhaps the grape wasn ’ t getting to

Johnny by this time . He was nobby

and boss . He was dropping his r’

s

l ike a Southerner,and you know how

much of a Southerner Johnny is

Johnstown,Pa . and he was hol lering

around about h is l i ttl e three - year - old,

standard - bred,and registered bay

mare out of Highland Be l le,by

Homer Wilkes,with a mark of twenty

one,that could out - trot anyth ing of


her age that ever champed a bit.Did you get that

,J im ! That ever

champed a bit ; a nd sti l l he said at

noon to day that he had had two,pos

sibly three , glasses of wine , but no

more . The only way that mare of

Johnny ’ s can go a mile in twenty - one

is In the Baggage Coach Ahead .

”

Say,J im

,I ’ve never said much

about it,but you let any of these fel

lows who own horses get a soak on,

and they get to be a kind of a vil lage

pest,with their talk about blowmg up

in the stretch,shoe bl isters on the left

forearm,etc . Now

,S ince when did a

horse get an arm ! They have got

me winging. I can ’ t follow them at

all .

But to return to last night. When

Johnny threw that thing at me about

champing the bit,it was al l off to

Buffalo with l ittle Will . I went out

of business right there .

When I got up this morning I had

to a sk the bel lboy what hotel I was

ONE NIGHT 23

in . I ’ l l see the fellows to - night,and

they ’ l l al l tel l me how dirty my face

was,and what I cal led so and so

,and

make me feel as bad as they possibly

can . It ’ s a wonder a fel low doesn ’ t

get used to that,but I never do ; I

fee l meaner each time . Guess I ’ l l

take the vei l .

Don ’ t fai l to come down Saturday .

Several of us are go ing yachting on

the Oh io River. It wi l l be lovely

bi ll iards . Yours as ever,

B ILLY .

P . S .—Do you know anything about

that George ’ s place !

HORSE SENSE

Sometimes you eat too much some

times you drink too much,and some

times you do both . In any event,you

feel l ike the very old scratch the next

morning . Too much l iquor overheats

the blood . Too much food,and the

l iver goes on a strike . The first


remedy which should suggest i tsel f i s

a purgative which wil l act on the

l iver,and cleanse the system of al l

the indigestible j unk with which it has

been overtaxed This is positively

the foundation for permanent rel ief.

The next thing is to cool the blood .

Now,i sn ’ t it common horse sense !

Think it over.

THE R—R i s the on ly water which

acts on the l iver. Its base i s sod ium

phosphate .

THE R—R i s the on ly water which

cools the blood . Overheated blood

is what causes the pressure on the

head .

THE R—R i s the on ly pleasant

tasting aperient water of any strength

on the market to - day.

We have stumbled onto a good

thing,and we ’ve got the money to

push it.

You remember the man who at

breakfast said : “Waiter,bring me

about ten grains of oatmeal,and put

ONE NIGHT 2 5

stickers on it so that i t wil l stay down ;and sa y, wa iter, please look as pleas

ant as poss ible,for I fee l l ike h— l. ”

Well,that ’ s how a person ’ s stomach

gets some morn ings .

If you are go ing to drink an aperi

ent,why try to force down a water

that is warm,and tastes l ike a lot of

bad eggs,doesn ’ t touch your l iver

,

and won ’ t coo l your blood,when you

can get the R—R cold and spar

kl ing and p leasant,which w i ll do al l

these th ings !

If you are annoyed w ith constipa

tion,stomach or l iver trouble

,use a s

your system dictates,and see how

much better you feel . It can ’ t hurt

you. Best before breakfast.


PRE ! ACE

In presenting In Society, we are

confident of success . Upon “ One

Night” comment i s unnecessary. A

bona fide demand for nearly

copies in less than three months

speaks for itself. In inclos ing stamps

for books,our men readers who iwi l l

j o in the “ Un ion” mentioned on page

36 w i l l so state . No names attached

to such commun ications w i l l be pub

lished . The partial description of the

grand opera “Die Wa lkiire

” in th is

book i s g iven prec isely as it occurred ;and although the up - to - date s lang used

m ight suggest exaggeration,such i s

really not the case . Aga in we ask

that your name be written pla in ly.

Th is caut ion is not addressed to the

women . We have given up al l hope

29


of ever getting a readabl e s ignature

from a woman . Don ’ t think for a

moment that we have anything

against the women . Heaven forbid !

We merely sa y that i f there is a

woman in the United States who can

write plainly,that particular woman

hasn ’ t written us yet.

THE BELL COW

IN SOC IETY

PITT SB ! RG,PA.

,Feb. 1 , 1 899.

DEAR J IM

There is no new scandal worth men

tioning. What I started to write you

about was Hem ingway ’ s dupl icate

whist party which was pulled off last

n ight. I had a bid,and as there was

noth ing else stirring,I put on that

boy ’s - size dress su it of mine,and blew

out there . J im,you know the s igns

you see on the dumm ies in front of

these l ittle Yiddisher stores,

“ Take

me home for or,

“ I used to

be now I ’m yours for

We l l,that ’ s your Uncle Bil l in a dress

su it. Every one takes me for awaiter.

I have j ust been thinking this soc i

3 1

32 B ILLY BAXTER ’

S LETTERS

ety push over,and I have come to the

conclusion that an active leader in

society has more troubles than a man

in the wheat pit,and a man in the

wheat pit is long on troubles about as

often as he is on wheat. If you don ’ t

bel ieve it,ask Joe Leiter. He was

long on both at the same time .

Take the woman who uses fair Eng

l ish and has coin,and let her display

the same good cold j udgment that has

made her husband successful in busi

ness,and some rainy Thursday morn

ing the four hundred wi ll wake up and

find a new member has j oined the

order. While she is on her way she ’ l l

get m a ny a frost,but after she lands

She ’ l l even up on the other can

dida tes.

I have heard it said that locomotive

engineers as a rul e suffer from kidney

troubles,caused by the j olting and

bumping of the engine . If j olts and

bumps go for anything,some of these

people who are trying to break into



ish eyes . My boy ! my boy ! but this

dame was there with the swel l lamps .A hundred cand le power eas i ly. I

tried to s i t up to her,but there wa s

nothing doing. I might have known

I was a dead one . Because why !Because Mr. Percy Haro ld was talk

ing to her,and he knows all about

rare ch ina,real old lace

,and such

things . When I came up,the subj ect

was Du Bois ’ Messe de Mariage .

! Spel l ing not guaranteed . ! I asked

about it this morning,Jim . A Messe

de Mariage seems to be some kind of

a wedding march,and a bishop who is

a real hot dog won ’ t i ssue a certificate

unless the band plays the Messe .

Mr. Percy Haro ld kept right on talk

ingabout Jack Hayes be ing so desper

ately in love with Mrs. Hardy - Steele,

and how late they were getting home

from the opera the other night, and

what a shame it was,as Mr. Steele

seemed l ike such a nice fel low . There

I stood l ike a Harlem goat. I couldn ’t

IN SOCIETY 3 5

cut in,because I have so many troub les

of my own getting home from any

place at al l that I haven ’ t time to

keep tab on other people . I must be

as SlOW getting onto a scandal as the

inj ured husband . If people

know something about a woman,my

number is and the husband ’ s

number i s It seems strange,

but the husband always seems to get

wise last .

But to return to the girl w ith“

the

electric eyes . I hung around in that

sa d dress suit l ike a b ig dub , hoping

that the conversation would final ly get

switched to theaters or dogs or spar

ring,or someth ing where I could make

good,but Mr. Haro ld had the floor

,

and he certain ly had me look ing l ike

a dirty deuce in a new deck . I stood

for h im ti l l he sudden ly exclaimed,

“ Oh,fudge !” because he had forgot

ten one of his rings,and there was

where I took to the tal l timbers . If

I were a r ing,I wouldn ’ t let a guy l ike

36 B ILLY BAXTER ’

S LETTERS

that wear me . Now wil l you k indly

tel l me why it i s that a girl wi l l throw

a good fellow down every time for one

of those L izz ie boys ! If I though t

there were enough men in the country

who feel as I do, I would start“ The

American Union for the Suppression

of Liz z ie Boys . ”

Well,I decided to get into my class

,

so I started for the smoking - room . I

hadn ’ t gone three feet ti l l some

woman held me up,and began tel l ing

me how she adored grand opera. I

didn ’ t even reply. I flew madly,and

remained hidden in the tal l grasses of

the smoking - room unti l i t was time to

go home . J im,Should any one ever

tel l you that grand opera is al l right,

he is e ither trying to even up,or he is

not a true friend . I was over in New

York with the fami ly last winter and

they made me go with them to Die

Wa lk iire” at the Metropolitan Opera

House When I got the tickets,I

asked the man ’ s advice a s to the best

IN SOCIETY 37

location . He said that al l true lovers

o f mus ic occup ied the dress circle and

balcon ies,and that he had some good

center dress - c ircle seats at three bones

per. Here ’ s a tip,J im . If the box

man ever hands you that true - lover

game,j ust reach in through the l ittl e

ho le and soak him in the solar for me .

I t’

s com ing to him . I ’ l l give you my

word of honor we were a quarter of a

m i le from the stage . We went up in

an elevator,were Shown to our seats

,

and who was right behind us but my

old pal Bud Hathaway from Chicago .

Bud had his two sisters with him,and

he gave me one sa d look wh ich said

plainer than words,

“ So you ’re up

against it,too

,eh ! ” We introduced

al l hands around,and about nine

o ’clock the curtain went up . After

we had wa ited ful ly ten minutes,out

came a big,fat

,greasy - look ing Dago

with nothing on but a bear robe . He

went over to the side of the stage,and

sa t down on a bum rock . It was


plain ly to be seen,even from my true

lover ’ s seat,that his bea rlets was sorer

than a dog about someth ing. Pres

ently in came a woman,and none of

the true lovers seemed to know who

she wa s. Some said it was Melba,

others Nordica . Bud and I dec ided

it was May Irwin . We were mis

taken,though

,as Irwin has this woman

lashed to the mast at any time or

place . As soon as Mike the Dago

esp ied the dame i t was al l off. He

rushed,and drove a straight - arm jab

,

which had it reached would have given

h im the purse . But Shifty Sadie

wasn ’ t there . She ducked,side - step

ped,and landed a clever half - arm

hook which seemed to stun the b ig

fe l low. They cl inched,and swayed

back and forth,growl ing continually

,

while the orchestra played this trembly

E l iza - crossing - the - ice music . J im,

I ’m not swell ing this a b it. On the

level, it happened j ust as I write it.

All of a sudden some one seemed to

IN SOCIETY 39

win . They broke away,and ran

wildly to the front of the stage with

their arms outstretched,yell i ng to

beat three of a k ind . The band cut

loose something fierce. The leader

tore out about worth of hair,

and acted generally as though he had

bats in h is belfry . I thought sure the

place would be pinched . It reminded

me of Th irsty Thornton ’ s dance - hal l

out in Merri l l,Wisconsin

,when the

S i lent Swede used to start a general

survival of the fittest every time

Mamie the Mink danced twice i n suc

cess ion w ith the young fel low from

A lbany,whose father owned the big

m i l l up Rough R iver. Of course,thi s

audience was perfectly orderly,and

showed no intention whatever of cut

ting in,and there were no chairs or

glasses in the air,but I am forced to

adm it that the opera had Thornton ’ s

faded for noise . I asked Bud what

the trouble wa s,and he answered

that I could search h im . The aud i

40 B ILLY BAxTER’

S LETTERS

ence apparently went wild . Every

body said,

“ Simply subl ime !” “ Isn ’ t

it grand ! ” “ Perfectly superb !”

“Bravo !” etc .

,not because they really

enj oyed it,but merely because they

thought it was the proper thing to do .

After that for three sol id hours Rough

House Mike and Shifty Sadie seemed

to be apologiz ing to the audience for

their d isgracefu l street brawl,which

was honestly the only good thing in

the Show. Along about twelve o ’clock

I thought I wou ld talk over old timeswith Bud

,but when I turned his

way I found my tried and trusty com

rade Asleep at the Switch .

At the finish the woman next to me,

who seemed to be on,said that the

main lady was dying. After it was

too late,Mike seemed kind of sorry.

He must have given her the knife,or

the drops,because there wasn ’ t a

minute that he could look in on her

according to the rules . He laid her

out on the bum rock,they set off a lot



headed o ld boys who at one time ha s

had the smal lpox so badly that he

looks as though he had lost a lot of

settings out of h is face . He hustled

for about twenty years,harnessed up

a bunch of money,and now his l ife is

one continual crimson sunset. Some

people know when they have enough,

but when the old general has enough

he doesn ’ t know anyth ing. Smoke

up ! J im,I d idn ’ t get that one myself

the first time I heard i t. Every time

the general gets l i t up,he places his

arm around your shou lder,puts his

face close to yours,blows ashes in

your eyes,and tel ls you confidential ly

,

so that every one in Texas can hear

h im,that he knew your father when

the seat of his trousers was ragged,

and he didn ’ t have one dol lar to rub

against another. I don ’ t mind that

so much,but every time he comes to

a word with the letter P in it,he Sp its

al l over a fel low. Why,the other

n ight he was tel l ing me about our

IN SOCIETY 43

newly acquired P ossess ions , the

P hil ippines,being a land of P erpetual

P lenty,and for a wh i le I thought I

was in the natatorium . Under the c ir

cumsta nces I don’ t know wh ich wou ld

be more des irab le,a plumber for the

general,or a mackintosh for myse lf.

Yours as ever,B ILLY.

P. S .—J im

,you know those l ittle

wh ite checks they issue in some bars

and you pay at the cash ier ’ s desk !

We l l,one of the boys j ust telephoned

me that he sa w Johnny Black a few

m inutes ago in a down - town p lace with

a beautiful sosh on,and that he was

eating h is checks because he was

broke . He had swa llowed five Checks

amounting to $2 . 3 0 before the bar

tender tumbled . That ’ s a new one

on me,and it ’ s al l right. My ! but

that boy Johnny i s a sincere drinker.


MORE HORSE SENSE

Sometimes you get up in the morn

ing feel ing as though you were not

expected to l ive . You know the

cause . If you are at home,the first

thing to do i s to square yoursel f.Some experts on squaring say that it

is best to deny everything,others a d

vise a partial acknow ledgment of the

facts,together with a solemn promise

that it wil l never occur again . We

wou ld respectful ly suggest that you

try the first ; if unsuccessful , spring

the second,and if both fai l

,be a

thoroughbred and take it l ike a man .

You probab ly deserve i t,but look at

the fun you had the night before s ing

ing bass . Remember one thing : don ’ t

sa y you m issed the twelve - o ’clock car,and rather than wait you walked

home . You may have arrived in a

cab . Wonderfu l what a noise one

smal l cab can make in the m iddle of

the night. Well,the next thing is

IN SOCIETY 4 5

your phys ica l cond ition . Your l iver

must be got going . Would you rather

drink a co ld,sparkl ing

,pleasant - tast

ing R—R—S that wil l produce in

stant action upon the l iver ! or would

you prefer a water that is warm and

sickening,tastes l ike an Ital ian tene

ment looks,and half the time won ’ t

stay down ! Many a good fel low has

h is own troubles in the morning trying

to find something that wi l l stick . The

R—R will stick,and what ’ s more

,

it cools the blood , which natural ly

re l ieves the pressure upon the head .

For constipation,stomach and l iver

troubles,R—R has no equal .

Be ing on a sod ium phosphate base,i t

is pos itive ly the on ly l iver water on

the market to - day. Why subj ect your

se lf to probab le sal ivation from po ison

ous calomel when the R—R i s

absolutely harmless and wi l l g ive you

better results ! Keep our goods at

your home,and when you are away

from home you can get i t at any firstclass hote l

,ca fe

,or c lub .


TA ILOR - MADE , CLOAK MODEL ! ORM , C ITY B ROKE .

K IND AND SO ! ND”

IN LOVE

PITTSB ! RG,PA. ,

May I,1 899.

DEAR J IM :

So you want to know how a fel low

is going to te l l positively when he i s

stuck on a girl,do you ! We l l

,I ’ l l

tel l you,and I ’ l l tel l you m ighty

quick . I f some guy cuts in on your

steady,you are go ing out to her home

,

and you are go ing to cal l her fine and

plenty,aren ’ t you ! And un less she

promises to bump the other fe l low,

you are going to leave her in a rage,

aren ’ t you ! New,zf you go ba ck wit! ;

ouz‘ é ez

'

ng sentfor, you’

re zt.

J im,i f you can

,you had better wa i t

for her to break the ice . If you don ’ t,

from that time on she w i l l make you

look l ike a wh ite ch ip . A woman i s

49


l ike one of the big trusts. The lnstant she acquires a contro l l ing inter

est in you She becomes a regular

ring - master. She wil l make you j ump

through,l ie down and rol l over

,walk

lame,and p lay dead ; and don

’ t th ink

for a moment you won ’ t do it,e ither.

Al l the rest of them have . You Show

me a man who hasn ’ t been up against

such a game,and I ’ l l Show you a

man who lacks experience . A lot

of these handsome ga z a bes go

around look ing w ise,winning g irls

out,and th inking they are the happy

thought. That ’ s because they have

had a run of luck and landed in among

a bunch of marks . Let them keep it

up . It is on ly a matter of time unti l

they w i l l stumble over a l ive w ire,and

then i t w i l l be pay - day on the Wabash .

I t’

s grand to see a great b ig slob run

ning along beh ind some l i ttle b it of a

girl,a faithfu l Fido

,tak ing h is orders

l ike a po l itician . I know what I ’m

talk ing about,J im

,beca use I have

IN LOVE 5 1

certainly been the original human dog .

I used to think I was the V i l lage Rub

ber—but not any more . They have

made me look l ike thirty cents,not

once,but a dozen times . I can gaze

into the d im,hazy d istance and see

where every one of these coy,c lever

fel lows is going to get i t,and get it

good,and I am glad of it. My hat ’ s

o ff.

Say,J im

,I ’m not much for these

love stories in the books . They are

l iab le to m islead a fel low. You read

how Benton Brockway,the hero

,look s

into pretty Bess ie Bel l ’ s blue eyes,

places his hand on her shape ly shou l

der,and tel ls her how he loves her.

Even her downcast eye doesn ’ t h ide

the pearly tear as she answers,

“ Yes.

Now,I can look into the ir eyes for

four hours,and I can te l l them how I

love them ti l l I am b lack in the face ,and they seem to l ike it ; but when

ever I come to the laying of the hand

on the shapely shoulder part,it ’ s al l


off. I am told that I am no gentle

man,and to roll my hoop out of that

house forever What ’ s a fel low going

to do ! You can never tel l whether a

girl i s really sore or whether she is

stal l ing. A girl might be for a fel low

strong,and yet she wouldn ’ t admit it

for a thousand dol lars . There may

be some th ings I wouldn ’ t admit

for a thousand,but I don ’ t j ust recal l

them at the present time . It only

goes to Show that things are not

always what they seem . Many a girl

wears a sai lor hat who doesn ’ t own a

yacht .

Just to Show you what a Chance 3

man has nowadays : The other night

I went out to see a certain girl .

Won ’ t mention any names . Never

do,sober. She made what she called

a Robert E . Lee punch out of apple

brandy and stuff. Wel l,sir

,after I

had hit three Robert E . Lees,I could

see wav ing green fields and fruit - laden

orchards,and k ind - faced o ld cows

IN LOVE 5 3

standing in si lvery streams of water.

The drawing- room lamp looked like a

flood of golden sunshine, and I couldn’t

remember of owing a cent . Jim ,

I have never been against the pipe,

because I ’m too young,but if i t beats

the Robert E . Lee punch,I ’ l l have to

go after i t. I took one more d ipper

of Robert E . Lee,and then I decided

tha t any girl who cou ld make that

k ind of a m ix cou ld have me for better

or for worse ; and if I didn’ t propose

right there,I ’ l l eat your hat. I told

her that I had loved her madly for

months,but had never found the

courage to sa y so ti l l that n ight. I

also mentioned the fact that even i f

she was very smal l and I was large,

and even if the people in the church

wou ld say we looked l ike Rhode Island

and Texas march ing out together,that

it made no difference where true love

was concerned . I finished it all up

with a look that would have melted

the heart of a bank dealer. My work


must have been a l ittle to the sand

paper,or I may have backed up kind

of foolish l ike,or something . What

ever i t was,she answered

,

“ B i l ly,your

brother ’ s hair i s a good deal darker

than yours,i sn ’ t it ! Now

,what do

you th ink of that frosty - hearted fairy !L i teral ly forced me to drink that

punch,gets me ripened up

,and then

throws the hooks into me . AS a love

maker I guess I am a shine . J im,

have you ever gone home late at night

and told yourself in front of the mir

ror how you loved some girl ! and

have you ever seen that same girl

walking along the street the next day

with another fellow,and the instant

you d iscovered them,did a gre a t

'

big

lump come into your breast ! And d id

you immediately think of a lot of

things about the fel low you didn ’ t

l ike,although previously you had

rather admired him ! Well,that thing

you get in your breast is what we ex

perts cal l the love lump,and you were



by,J im ; take care of yourse lf.

You couldn ’ t have gotten a better j olt

on the B . 0 . You wil l pardon my

suppressed merriment,but that girl

certainly made you look l ike a trai ler.

Never mind,J im

,o ld pal

,we have al l

had a crimp put into us at one time or

another,and if you work hard and

observe good hours you ’ l l get over it

in four or five years . It ’ s nothing at

al l .

I have often thought I would land a

girl with coin,blow bus iness

,and sit

around for a whi le . It would be great

to have your own hearthstone,with a

couple of registered St. Bernards

lying around,and here and there a

golden - haired darl ing romping and

playing with a bottle of paregoric.

But somehow or other I always fall

down . Now,take that Katherine

Clark,who has been visiting the Hem

ingwa ys for the past month . When

She first came I said to myself, B i l ly,

my boy,here S your chance ; break in

IN LoVE 5 7

and COp out an he iress . So I sicked

myself on to her. Well,you know

I ’m not a piker. I went after her

rlght. Eats,drinks

,shows

,and al l

the expensive things . I touched

Johnny Black ’ s brother - in - law for fifty,

and gave an informal luncheon that

was a pippin . I wore my New York

Central Shirt w ith the four stripes,and

we had wine w ith cobwebs . There

wasn ’ t a th ing served that any one

cou ld pronounce,and Johnny Black

got loaded and to ld uS on the qu i et

why his s ister had left her husband .

I insulted Johnny by making some

remark about hi s jo in ing the Te l l

Club,and altogether everything was a

big success . The check came to

and I flashed Johnny ’ s brother

in - law ’ s fifty. When the waiter

brought the five forty change I waved

h im away as though the Standard Oi l

Company was the smallest thing I

owned . The tip was out that old man

Clark was black with money,and i f

5 8 B ILLY. BAXTER ’S LETTERS

i t ’ s so,I know why. He is tight

ribbed and popcorn . Down in

George ’ s Place the other day I asked

the old man what he was going to

drink,

!

and he said he would rather

have the money. And sa y, he gave

me a cigar that looked as though it

had some skin trouble,and smelled

l ike some one was shoeing a horse.

However,a fel low doesn ’ t a lways have

to l ive w ith the bride ’ s parents . J im,

this g irl was a dream . Tai lor - made,

cloak - model form,city - broke

,k ind

,

and sound . She could j ust naturally

beat the works out of a p iano ; and

talk about your swe l l valves . Why,

the other night she sang “ A Sailor ’ s

L ife ’ s the L ife for Me”so real istical ly

that Johnny Black got seas ick . Well,

to make a long story Short,th is morn

ing I got an invitation to Katherine

Clark ’ s wedding. J im,did you ever

have a fellow come up beh ind you and

smear you back of the ear when you

weren ’ t looking ! Well,that ’ s exactly

IN LOVE 5 9

how that i nvitation felt. She i s going

to marry some lobster out in St. Louis,

and I ’ l l bet he i s a pup,and i s marry

ing her for her money. I figured i t

up on the back of the invitation,and

that lady sent me along for just two

hundred and ten dol lars,not counting

what I owe Johnny Black ’ s brother

in - law ; and the best I get i s a“ come

to the church .

” Of course you w i l l

say I ’m stung again,and that some

one should lead me out to the end of

the Chicago Crib and push me into the

lake,and al l that sort of rot ; but

hang it al l,J im

,if I cou ld get that

girl I would take her if she d idn ’ t

ha ve a cent. I guess I ’ l l l ight my

p ipe . Yours as ever,

B ILLY .

P . S . Good by,J im ; take care of

yourself.


MORE HORSE SENSE

Have you ever sa t on the edge of the

bed in the morning with your elbows

on your knees,your head buried in

your hands,and wondered if there was

anything you overlooked the n ight

before that would have made you feel

worse ! Among the more pol ite,this

feel ing is spoken of as the real ization

of indiscretion in d iet ; but we plain

people cal l i t o ld Colonel R . E . Morse .

There are lots of things that wi ll give

you a Colonel,but a R—R—S i s the

only thing that wil l make you feel l ike

a person with a future instead of a

person with a past. You must cleanse

your l iver,and that ’ s al l there is to it.

Here ’ s the proposition : Say there

were two glasses of aperient water

stand ing on a tab le . One was muddy

looking,bad - tasting

,warm

,and flat

,

and wouldn ’ t touch your l iver. The

other was clear,p leasant - tasting

,co ld

,

IN LOVE OI

and sparkl ing,and acted instantly

upon your l iver. Wh ich would you

take ! Inasmuch as our c ircu lation is

confined entire ly to the most intelli

gent,a l l we ask is

,that you g ive th i s

propos ition one moment of your

thought . The immense sale of R

R— S proves beyond a doubt that

the American peopl e are thoroughlydisgusted w ith vi le - tasting foreign b it

ter waters,and were mere ly awa iting

the advent of someth ing new and

sparkling,l ike R—R


PRE ! ACE

In New York” i s the last of the

Baxter Letters for the present. We

think i t well to stop before we get

bad . We make but one claim for

d istinction—the largest C irculation

America has ever seen or heard of.

The people,up to date

,have actual ly

demanded over three and a half mil l ion

copies,or nearly five car - loads of our

l ittle books,and there is no te l l ing

where it w i l l stop . We have Robin

son Crusoe backed clear off h is i s land,

and Uncle Tom ’ s Cabin burned to

the ground . Sti l l i t would have been

a d ifferent story had we asked a dollar

apiece for our books ; so we are not

so much after al l .

CLOSE HARMONY

IN NEW YORK

PITTSB ! RG,PA .

,August

,1 899.

DEAR J IM

Just got back from New York th is

morning. Bud Hathaway stopped off

here on his way from Chicago,and

coaxed Johnny B lack and me to go

over East with him . We went,and a

pretty mess we made of it . Bud is

sore on both of us,I got touched for

ninety,and Johnny i s lost .

Nothing of interest occurred going

over on the train,excepting that when

I turned in I took off my trousers

without spi ll ing my money al l over the

Pul lman floor. This i s done by sew

ing the human pocket shut . We

landed at Twenty - third Street,i n

good shape,early in the morning of

67


the day before yesterday. When we

reached the Pennsy lvania cab - stand

some one had taken the hansom,so

we had to hire a carriage . They are

build ing another hansom,and then

there wil l be plenty of hansoms for all .

At the hotel Johnny claimed I had a

drag because I drew a room with a

window in it. Breakfast was hardly

over unti l Bud,without consulting us

at all,commenced arrangements for

giving a swel l d inner to a couple of

heiresses who l ived on E ighteenth

Street and who were worth eight mil

l ions,or who l ived in E ighth Street

and were worth e ighty mil l ions

Johnny and I d idn ’ t know which .

Bud gave us a lot of hot air about his

mother ’ s cous in standing fifteen ball s

in the New York Four,and how that

ma de him a non - resident member,and

i f we d id just as he said , he would put

us in right He told us that there

were thousands of people right in New

York C ity,any one of whom would



a whi le . When I returned,Johnny

B lack,Dick the wine agent

,and a

large red - faced man who looked as

though he had helped to made Mil

waukee famous,and who said he wa s

from K. C .

,Miz z oo

,were doing some

close harmony that was great. The

three of them were bunched with their

arms resting on each others ’ shoul

ders,singing “ She May Have Seen

Better Days,

” and the way they all

looked up toward heaven was some

thing pathetic . Whenever they came

to a barber shop minor they would

hold it for a full minute,and then they

would al l stop and tel l each other how

good they were . Suddenly a fel low

rushed in through the street door and

breathlessly exclaimed : “ My good

ness gracious,sakes al ive ! the und er

tow almost carried me beyond the

bar. ” The newcomer sti l l wore his

dress suit from the evening before,

and his shirt front was al l spattered

with egg . He was promptly named

IN NEW YORK 7 1

His Chickens . H i s Ch ickens d id

a trick with a wine - glass and a half

dol lar,and final ly succeeded in cutting

a gash in h i s wrist an inch long .

Johnny Black,who was rapid ly be

coming normal,remarked that H i s

Chickens was the V il lage cut - up . I

laughed so loud at Johnny ’ s Shine

j oke that the manager of the hote l

called me,and the who le tribe got

insulted and told the man h is place

was no good anyhow.

We started out,and the first th ing

we did was to strike one of those

fool ish cabs . We made a bargain for

a dollar and a half the first hour and

a dol lar each succeed ing hour,and

then we fel l in and told the p i lot to

take us al l over New York . He said

he would,and from the way I feel

,he

d id . K . C . started an awful argu

ment in one place by declaring that a

straight should beat a flush because

there were only eight chances to fi l l a

straight,while w ith a flush there were

72 B ILLY BAXTER'

S LETTERS

n ine . I never figured it out before,

but K . C . is right.

In another place we met a Phila del

phia - look ing sort of a fel low w ith a

soft hat,a Prince Albert coat w ith

narrow braid on it,and a couple of

those l ittle bow - legged dogs w ith the

long ea rs and their stomachs away

down on the ground . They cal l them

Dasch hounds,or something

,and I

can ’ t for the l ife of me see what any

body would want with such fool - look

ing dogs. They look as though they

had been born under a bureau or in a

New York hotel room,where you have

to close the fo lding bed to find your

clothes,or in the Boston basebal l

grounds . The dog man said he used

to know a George B lack years ago in

Johnstown,Pa .

,who was a puddler in

the mil ls there . Johnny answered :“ That ’ s my father. He i s manager

of those mil l s now,and what ’ s more

,

he can l ick any man in Cambria Coun

ty , j ust the same as I can l ick any

IN NEW YORK 7 3

man in New York C ity. The last

was announced in a tone sufficiently

loud to be heard al l over the place .

J im,I got it four times j ust from the

overflow. Now,you know merely

because Johnny ’ s father can l ick any

man in Cambria Country,is that any

reason why I should land out in the

m iddle of the car track ! Not at al l .

Along about ten in the evening Bud

wanted to keep the seven - o ’clock - d in

ner date w ith the heiresses,but the

rest of the gang were too busy. We

b lew into one of those concert hal ls

over on E ighth Avenue,where they

have sand on the floor,red - wh ite - and

blue tissue paper around the edge of

the ce i l ing,no

,

programme because it

costs too much,and a bum p iano for

an orchestra. The Professor wore no

coat,but he certain ly knew his way

around the ivories . A sa d - looking,

thin guy,w ith a four days ’ growth and

a large near - d iamond stud,ca me

’

out

a nd announced that the next turn wa s


the feature of the evening—the winsome S isters Montc lair

,who would

sing a lovely waltz ballad written ex

pressly for them,entitled

,

“ The Check

Was Forged—He Had Went Too

Far. Johnny B lack set’em up to

the Professor right in the middle of

the song,and the Professor bowed his

regards,blew the froth off his beer

,

drank it,and l i t a cigarette without

losing a note . Immediate ly after the

act,the Professor presented Miss Al ice

Montclair of the famous “ Sisters

Montclair. ” Barring the fact that

Miss Montclair had a mouth l ike a

cave,she wasn ’ t a bad looker. O ld

K. C. gave what was intended for a

tender,loving look

,and asked her if

he could cal l her Al ice ; then without

waiting for an answer,passed into a

Rip V a n Winkle that looked good for

a hundred years .

We told the lady it was up to her,

and she said she would take a brandy

and soda . Brandy and soda be ing

IN NEW YORK 7 5

fifty a throw and beer five a copy , we

told her to behave,and ordered the

waiter to back her up a tub of suds ,Texas size . I noticed M iss Mont

clair ’ s handkerchief was marked“ Mary Burke .

” Probably some mis

take on the part of the laundry. Care

less laundry ' A l ice told us what

love ly people her folks were ; she said

her father was mayor of hi s town,and

if we only knew her real name it wou ld

surprise us al l . Johnny Black started

to guess it,but was interrupted by

having to settle for the last round H i s

Chickens ha d ordered . It seems His

Chickens would madly order,and then

when the waiter would kind of hang

around for the price,he wou ld do the

earnest conversation gag unti l some

one else had made good . A l ice,who

was now getting a trifle weary,went

on to tel l us that the g irl who appeared

with her was not her sister,and that

the only reason she stood for her at

al l was because she had once been


good to her when She was S ick . All

of a sudden old K. C .,who had been

leaning over farther and farther,did a

Brodie out of his chair and l i t on h is

eye . Wedug h im out of the sand andput h im back where he belonged

,a nd

he immediately departed into another

dreamless but j umpy s lumber. At

th is j uncture somebody sold Dick six

tickets at a dol lar per for a ball that

had been given over a month ago by

the Varnish Makers ’ Union,K. of L.

,

No . 2 29. Upon learning that he had

been bunked,Dick became very dig

nified,and said he would remember

the fellow perfectly,and that the day

would come when they wou ld be

brought face to face .

We were al l getting along great ;everybody was call ing Alice by her

first name,and A l ice was saying

,

“ I ’ l l

leave it to B i l l if i t ain ’

t right,

” and

speak ing of Manager Frohman as

Charley,when Johnny B lack , the

pres ident of al l the trouble - makers,



what he was,and he put it down in a

book,after which Al ice finished it al l

up with a flood of tears . The head

waiter came up and said : “ Look a

here,Mary

,what ai ls you

,anyway !

You ’re getting so lately you turn them

tears on every night . Be a good fel

low,and don ’ t make a lot of gents

think we ’re runn ing a morgue .

You ’ve blowed half your make - up as

it is . ” Mary,al ias A l ice

,gave the

head waiter one withering look,and

left the place . We started to move

on,but found it was impossible to

bring o ld K. C. back . We pounded

him and yel led at him for ten minutes,

but there wasn ’ t a leaf stirring,except

once,when he came to long enough to

remark that he was sweating l ike a

June bride . We final ly took his watch

and al l h is money but two dollars,and

left him l ike a dog . A fel low is per

fectly safe in New York without any

money.

We then mounted our deep - sea

IN NEw YORK 79

going cab,and told the sk ipper we

were for the ca ts. He took us to a

b ig restaurant on upper S i xth Avenue.

We told the waiter to bring us every

thing that was good . When the waiter

returned with the knives and forks,he

also brought us some Dil l pickles . I

took a bite at one of them,and she

squirted and h it a fel low at the next

tab le in the eye . I guess a Dil l pickle

must smart right pert—however,I

won ’ t bore you With any detai ls . J im,

I can remember that j ust at the start

of i t a waiter happened to be passing

with a very large order on his tray,

and for a while the air was l iteral ly

crowded with oyster stews,Welsh

rareb its,glasses

,showers of booze

,

frogs ’ legs,and everything that wasn ’ t

chained down . When the smoke

cleared away I was occupying myregular position in the center of the

car track . They wouldn ’ t let me in

again,and the rest of the fel lows were

too hungry to come out ; so there I


was Alone in New York . The cab

man then asked for his money for the

whole day. I told him that the lack

of money was the least of my troubles,

a nd I went down after ninety dollars

that I had pinned in my trousers

watch - pocket with a safetypin . Exit

money . Whoever got to me hadn ’ t

even left the safety pin . The cabman

made some remarks about tak ing it

out of my hide,and I spent al l of

twenty minutes proving to him that

the rest of the bunch would settle

when they came out. I then walked

al l the way down to the hotel,alone

and hungry . In my whole l ife I never

met such a quarrelsome lot of people .

You know yourself,J im

,that any one

who can guess when a Dil l pickle i s

going to squirt i s enti tled to the bar

rel of flour,or the gold - plated oi l

stove ; and as far as that ninety is

concerned,I suppose I went in front

of the City Hall and presented it to

somebody. I ’ l l bet,al l told

,I ’ve



go ing to stay. Just on the quiet,I

never felt so bad in my life . I ’m all

sore and stifi from that c a r- track

habit,and talk about your j umps !

Why,a minute ago I was s itting as

quiet as a lamb,when without the

sl ightest warning,I did a leap straight

up into the air about four feet“ I

wonder what causes that ! Coming

down to the offi ce this morning some

body kept call ing me continually,and

when I would look around there

wouldn ’ t be a soul near,and I am all

the time hearing bands of music,and

maybe I am not perspiring !

If I ever get over this,that narrow

path gag for your Uncle B i l l for a long

time to come . When you get to

throwing your money away there is

nothing doing . Far be it from me

casting up,neither am I a hard loser

,

but I certainly could use that ninety.

Wel l,that ’ l l be about al l .

Yours as ever,

B ILLY.

IN NEW YORK 83

P . S .—Just received the following

telegram from Johnny B lack,dated

New York,

P . M . : Old K. C .

has j ust been sighted . She ’ s a l i ttle

dismantled,but game . She ’ s a rra ng

ing for a fool isher for a whole week,

and I am going to stay with him .

Dick sends best . Chickens has a

roll .

I w ired Johnny as fo l lows : If you

see a safety p in anywhere around

Chickens , that ro l l belongs to me.”


SM ILING ! P AT H IM J ! ST AS SHE ! SED TO


88 B ILLY BAXTER 'S LETTERS

Nel l ie Morrison had told him she

loved him,and they were engaged .

My ! but Johnny was happy and important. Well

,sir

,he j ust kept me

up ti l l two o ’clock,tel l ing me al l their

plans . It wasn ’ t very hard to do,

e ither,for although I tried to appear

kind of careless,I was as much ex

cited as Johnny. I t was j ust six

months later that poor l ittle Nel l was

taken out dead from that big wreck

over East. Well,now comes the

trouble . Johnny B lack loves that

l ittle girl j ust as much as he did the

day she was brought back home So

far as the boys are concerned,he has

h idden it fairly well . They think he

i s over it,but

,J im

,he ’ s getting

worse . Last night I came in about

twelve,and there sat Johnny curled

up in the big chair you gave me last

Christmas . He had cried himself to

sleep,and in his hand was a picture

of Ne l l . There She was in a l ittle

JOHNNY BLACK’S GIRL 89

white dress,smi l ing up at him just as

she used to before it al l happened . I

leaned over and touched him as gently

as I could,

i

and said,

“ Come on to

bed,Johnny.

” He never answered a

word He placed the picture in his

pocket,and I led him off to his room .

He didn ’ t speak unti l j ust before he

put out h is l ight,and then he said

You know,B i l l

,I used to tel l her al l

my schemes,and she was so kind

,and

how she did want to see me a success !

You know how things are coming,

Bi l l,and I ’d like to see her j ust a

m inute and have her cuddle up and

say,

‘ I knew my boy was al l right . ’

What was I go ing to do ! I don ’ t

know anything about consol ing people,

so I j ust said,

“ Never mind,Johnny ;

you and I ’ l l take a trip and try to for

get it. J im,i t ’ s been over two years

now,and he loves her more than ever .

What I want you to do is to write h im

and te l l h im to take a rest. He can


afford it easi ly enough . Every time

he looks at anyth ing somebody gal

lops in and hands him a check . Do

this,w i l l you

,J im !

Yours as ever,

B ILLY.


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Billy Baxters Letters - Forgotten Books · ACE TO 1 91 3 EDITION ... because many of the expressions used in Billy Baxter ... three barrels on that gun I would have nailed a duck,