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LITTLE BLUE BOOK NO. 1 AQQEdited by E. Haldeman-Julius ±.\JSS

A Cynic Looksat Life

Ambrose Bierce





LITTLE BLUE BOOK NO. i AQQEdited by E. Haldeman- Julius 11//7

A Cynic Looksat Life

Ambrose Bierce

HALDEMAN- JULIUS COMPANYGIRARD, KANSAS



Copyright, 1912, byThe Neale Publishing Company

Reprinted by Special Arrangement WithAlbert and Charles Boni, New York

rillNTF-h IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA



A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFE

CIVILIZATION

The question Does civilization civilize ? is afine example of petitio principii, and decidesitself in the affirmative; for civilization mustneeds do that from the doing of which it hasits name. But it is not necessary to supposethat he who propounds is either unconscious ofhis lapse in logic or desirous of digging a pit-

fall for the feet of those who discuss; I take it

he simply wishes to put the matter in an im-pressive way, and relies upon a certain degreeof intelligence in the interpretation.

Concerning uncivilized peoples we know butlittle except what we are told by travelers—who, speaking generally, can know very little

but the fact of uncivilization, as shown in ex-

ternals and irrelevances, and are moreover,greatly given to lying.'. From the savages wehear very little. Judging them in all {hingsby our own standards in default of a knowl-edge of theirs, we necessarily condemn, dis-

parage and belittle. One thing that civiliza-

tion certainly has not done is to make us in-

telligent enough to understand that the con-

trary of a virtue is not necessarily a vice. Be-cause, as a rule, we have but one wife andseveral mistresses each it is not certain thatpolygamy is everywhere —nor, for that matter,



4 A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFE

anywhere —either wrong or inexpedient. Be-cause the brutality of the civilized slave own-ers and dealers created a conquering sentimentagainst slavery it is not intelligent to assumethat slavery is a maleficent thing amongst Ori-ental peoples (for example) where the slave is

not oppressed. Some of these same Orientalswhom we are pleased to term half-civilized haveno regard for truth. Takest tl)ou me for aChristian dog, said one of them, that I shouldbe the slave of my word? So far as I canperceive, the Christian dog is no more theslave of his word than the True Believer, andI think the savage —allowing for- the fact thathis inveracity has dominion over fewer things—as great a liar as either of them. For mypart, I do not know what, in all circumstances,

is right or wrong; but I know that, if right, it

is at least stupid, to judge an uncivilized peo-

ple by the standards of morality and intelli-

gence set up by civilized ones. Life in civ-

ilized countries is so complex that men therehave more ways to be good than savages have,and more to be bad; more to be happy, and

more to be miserable. And in each way to begood or bad, their generally superior knowledge—their knowledge of more things — enablesthem to commit greater excesses than the sav-

age can. The civilized philanthropist wreaksupon his fellows a ranker philanthropy, thecivilized rascal a sturdier rascality. And

splendid triumph of enlightenment —the two

characters are, in civilization, frequently com-bined in one person.

I know of no savage custom or habit of



A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFE 5

thought which has not its mate in civilized

countries. For every mischievous or absurdpractice of the natural man I can name youone of ours that is essentially the same. Andnearly every custom of our barbarian ancestorsin historic times persists in some form today.We make ourselves look formidable in battle

—for that matter, we fight. Our women painttheir faces. We feel it obligatory to dress moreor less alike, inventing the most ingenious rea-

sons for doing so and actually despising andpersecuting those who do not care to conform.Almost within the memory of living personsbearded men were stoned in the streets; anda clergyman in New York who wore his beardas Christ wore his, was put into jail and vari-

ously persecuted till he died.

Civilization does not, I think, make the raceany better. It makes men know more: and if

knowledge makes them happy it is useful anddesirable. The one purpose of every sane hu-man being is to be happy. No one can haveany other motive than that. There is no suchthing as unselfishness. WT

e perform the most

generous and self-sacrificing acts becausewe should be unhappy if we did not. We moveon lines of least reluctance. Whatever tends toincrease the beggarly sum of human happinessis worth having; nothing else has any value.

The cant of civilization fatigues. Civilizationis a fine and beautiful structure. It is as pic-

turesque as a Gothic cathedral, but it is builtupon the bones and cemented with the bloodof those whose part in all its pomp is that andnothing more. It cannot be reared in the un-




generous tropics, for there the people will notcontribute their blood and bones. The propo-

sition that the average American workingmanor European peasant is better off than theSouth Sea islander, lolling under a palm anddrunk with over-eating, will not bear a mo-ment's examination. It is we scholars andgentlemen that are better off.

It is admitted that the South Sea islander

in a state of nature is overmuch addicted tothe practice of eating human flesh; but con-cerning that I submit: first, that he likes it;

second, that those who supply it are mostly-dead. It is upon his enemies that he feeds,

and these he would kill anyhow, as we do ours.In civilized, enlightened and Christian coun-tries, where cannibalism has not yet establisheditself, wars are as frequent and destructive asamong the maneaters. The untitled savageknows at least why he goes killing, whereas ourprivate soldier is commonly in black ignoranceof the apparent cause of quarrel —of the actualcause, always. Their shares in the fruits ofvictory are about equal, for the chief takesall the dead, the general all the glory.

II .

Transplanted institutions grow slowly; civil-

ization can not be put into a ship and carriedacross an ocean. The history of this countryis a sequence of illustrations of these truths.

It was settled by civilized men and womenfrom civilized countries, yet after two and ahalt' centuries, with unbroken communicationwith the mother systems, it is still imperfectly




civilized. In learning and letters, in art andthe science of government, America is but afaintând stammering echo of Europe.

For nearly all that is good in our Americancivilzation we are indebted to the Old World;the errors and mischiefs are of our own cre-

ation. We have originated little, because thereis little to originate, but we have unconsciouslyreproduced many of the discredited systems offormer ages and other countries — receivingthem at second hand, but making them ours bythe sheer strength and immobility of the na-tional belief in their novelty. Novelty Why,it is not possible to make an experiment ingovernment, in art, in literature, in sociology,or in morals, that has not been made over, andover, and over again.

The glories of England are our glories. Shecan achieve nothing that our fathers did nothelp to make possible to her. The learning,the power, the refinement of a great nation,are not the growth of a century, but of manycenturies; each generation builds upon thework of the preceding. For untold ages ourancestors wrought to rear that reverend pile,

the civilization of England. And shall we nowtry to belittle the mighty structure becauseother though kindred hands are laying the topcourses while wT

e have elected to found a newtower in another land? The American eulogistof civilization who is not proud of his heritagein England's glory is unworthy to enjoy his

lesser heritage in the lesser glory of his owncountry.The English are undoubtedly our intellectual




superiors; and as the virtues are solely theproduct of rntelligenee and cultivation —a roguebeing only a dunce considered from anotherpoint of view —they are our moral superiorslikewise. Why should they not be? Theirs is

a land, not of ugly schoolhouses grudginglyerected, containing schools supported by such.

niggardly tax levies as a sparse and hard-handed population will consent to pay, but of

ancient institutions splendidly endowed by the

state and by centuries of private benefaction.As a means of dispensing formulated ignoranceour boasted public school system is not with-out merit; it spreads out education sufficientlythin to give everyone enough to make him amore competent fool than he would have beenwithout it; but to compare it with that which

is not the creature of legislation acting withmalice aforethought, but the unnoted out-

growth of ages, is to be ridiculous. It is like

comparing the laid-out town of a westernprairie, its right-angled streets, prim cottages,

and wooden a-b-c shops, with the grand oldtown of Oxford, topped with the clustered

domes and towers of its twenty-odd great col-leges, the very names of many of whose found-ers have perished from human record, as havethe chronicles of the times in which they lived.

It is not only that we have had to subduethe wilderness ; our educational conditions areadverse otherwise. Our political system is un-favorable. Our fortunes, accumulated in onegeneration, are dispersed in the next. If it

takes three generations to make a gentlemanone will not make a thinker. Instruction is




acquired, but capacity for instruction is trans-

mitted. The brain that is to contain a trained

intellect is not the result of a haphazard mar-riage between a clown and a wench, nor doesit get its tractable tissues from a hard-headedfarmer and a soft-headed milliner. If you con-fess the importance of race and pedigree in ahorse and a dog how dare you deny it in aman?

I do not hold that the political and social

system that creates an aristocracy of leisureis the best possible kind of human organiza-tion; I perceive its disadvantages clearlyenough. But I do hold that a system underwhich most important public trusts, political

and professional, civil and military ecclesias-tical and secular, are held by educated menthat is, men of trained faculties and disciplinedjudgment —is not an altogether faulty system.

It is a universal human weakness to dis-

parage the knowledge that we do not ourselvespossess, but it is only my own beloved countrythat can justly boast herself the last refugeand asylum of the impotents and incapables

who deny the advantage of all knowledge what-soever. It was an American senator who de-clared that he had devoted a couple of weeks tothe study of finance, and found the acceptedauthorities all wrong. It was another Ameri-can senator who, confronted with certain hos-tile facts in the history of another country,

proposed to brush away all facts, and arguethe question on consideration of plain com-mon sense.

Republican institutions have this disadvan-




tage: by incessant changes in the perso?mel ofgovernment —to say nothing of the manner ofmen that ignorant constituencies elect; and all

constituencies are ignorant —we attain to nofixed principles and standards. There is nosuch thing here as a science of politics, becauseit is not to any one's interest to make politicsthe study of his life. Nothing is settled; notruth finds general acceptance. What we doone year we undo the next, and do over againthe year following. Our energy is wasted in,

and our prosperity suffers from, experimentsendlessly repeated.

Every patriot believes his country betterthan any other country. Now, they cannot all

be the best; indeed, only one can be the best,

and it follows that the patriots of all the others

have suffered themselves to be misled by amere sentiment into blind unreason. In its

active manifestation —it is fond of killingpatriotism would be well if it were simplydefensive; but it is also aggressive, and thesame feeling that prompts us to strike for ouraltars and our fires impels us over the border

to quench the fires and overturn the altars ofour neighbors. It is all very pretty and spirited,

what the poets tell us about Thermopylae, butthere was as much patriotism at one end ofthat pass as there was at the other.

Patriotism deliberately and with folly afore-thought subordinates the interests of a whole

to the interests of a part. Worse still, thefraction so favored is determined by an acci-

dent of birth or residence. The Western hood-lum who cuts the tail from a Chinaman's nowl,




and would cut the nowl from the body if hedared, is simply a patriot with a logical mind,having the courage of his opinions. Patriot-ism is fierce as a fever, pitiless as the graveand blind as a stone.

Ill

There are two ways of clarifying liquidsebullition and precipitation; one forces theimpurities to the surface as scum, the other

sends them to the bottom as dregs. The for-mer is the more offensive, and that seems tobe our way; but neither is useful if the im-purities are merely separated but not removed.We are told with tiresome iteration that oursocial and political systems are clarifying; butwhen is the skimmer to appear? If the pur-pose of free institutions is good governmentwhere is the good government? —when may it

be expected to begin? —how is it to come about?Systems of government have no sanctity; theyare practical means to a simple end —the publicwelfare; worthy of no respect if they fail ofits accomplishment. The tree is known by its

fruit. Ours is bearing crab-apples. If the bodypolitic is constitutionally diseased, as I verilybelieve; if the disorder inheres in the system;there is no remedy. The fever must burn itself

out, and then Nature will do the rest. Onedoes not prescribe what time alone can admin-ister. We have put our criminals and duncesinto power; do we suppose they will efface

themselves? Will they restore to us the powerof governing them? They must have their wayand go their length. The natural and imme-morial sequence is: tyranny, insurrection, com-




bat. In combat everything that wears a swordhas a chance —even the right. History does

not forbid us to hope. But it forbids us torely upon numbers; they will be against us.

If history teaches anything worth learning it

teaches that the majority of mankind is neithergood nor wise. When government is foundedupon the public conscience and the public in-

telligence the stability of states is a dream.In that moment of time that is covered by

historical records we have abundant evidencethat each generation has believed itself wiserand better than any of its predecessors; thateach people has believed itself to have thesecret of national perpetuity. In support ofthis universal delusion there is nothing to besaid; the desolate places of the earth cry outagainst it. Vestiges of obliterated civiliza-

tions cover the earth; no savage but hascamped upon the sites of proud and populouscities; no desert but has heard the statesman'sboast of national stability. Our nation, ourlaws, our history —all shall go down to ever-lasting oblivion with the others, and by the

same road. But I submit that we are travel-ing it with needless haste.

It can be spared —this Jonah's gourd civil-

ization of ours. We have hardly the rudimentsof a true one; compared with the splendors ofwhich we catch dim glimpses in the fading past,ours are as an illumination of tallow candles.

We know no more than the ancients; we onlyknow other things, but nothing in which is anassurance of perpetuity, and little that is trulywisdom. Our vaunted elixir ritar is the art of




printing. What good will that do when poster-

ity, struck by the inevitable intellectual blight,

shall have ceased to read what is printed? Ourlibraries will become its stables, our books its

fuel.

Ours is a civilization that might be heardfrom afar in space as a scolding and a riot;

a civilization in which the race has so differen-

tiated as to have no longer a community of in-

terest and feeling; which shows as a ripe re-

sult of the principles underlying it a reason-less and rascally feud between rich and poor;in which one is offered a choice (if one havethe means to take it) between American plu-tocracy and European militocracy, with animminent chance of renouncing either for astultocratic republic with a headsman in the

presidential chair and every laundress in exile.

I have not a solution to the labor prob-lem. I have only a story. Many and manyyears ago lived a man who was so good andwise that none in all the world was so goodand wise as he. He was one of those fewwhose goodness and wisdom are such that after

some time has passed their foolish fellowmenbegin to think them gods and treasure theirwords as divine law; and by millions they areworshiped through centuries of time. Amongstthe utterances of this man was one commandnot a new nor perfect one —which has seemedto his adorers so preeminently wise that theyhave given it a name by which it is knownover half the world. One of the sovereign vir-

tues of this famous law is its simplicity, whichis such that all hearing must understand; and




obedience is so easy that any nation refusingis unfit to exist except in the turbulence andadversity that will surely come to it.

When apeople would avert want and strife, or, havingthem, would restore plenty and peace, thisnoble commandment offers the only means —all

other plans for safety or relief are as vain asdreams, as empty as the crooning of hags. Andbehold, here is it: All things whatsoever yewould that men should do to you, do ye evenso to them.

What you unappeasable rich, coining thesweat and blood of your workmen into drach-mas, understanding the law of supply and de-

mand as mandatory and justifying your cruelgreed by the senseless dictum that businessis business ;

youlazy

workmen,railing at the

capitalist by whose desertion, when you havefrightened away his capital, you starve —riot-

ing and shedding blood and torturing andpoisoning by way of answer to exaction and byway of exaction; you foul anarchists, applaud-ing with untidy palms when one of your cowardkind hurls a bomb amongst powerless and help-less women and children; you imbecile poli-

ticians with a plague of remedial legislation forthe irremediable; you writers and thinkers un-read in history, with as many solutions tothe labor problem as there are among youthose who can not coherently define it —do youreally think yourselves wiser than Jesus of

Nazareth? Do you seriously suppose your-s competent to amend his plan for dealing

with evils besetting nations and souls? Haveyou the effrontery to believe that those who




spurn his Golden Rule you can bind to obedienceof an act entitled an act to amend an act?

Bah you fatigue the spirit. Go get ye to yourscoundrel lockouts, your villain strikes, yourblacklisting, your boycotting, your speeching,marching and maundering; but if ye do notto others as ye would that they do to you it

shall occur, and that right soon, that ye bedrowned in your own blood and your pick-

pocket civilization quenched as a

into the sea.

THE GIFT 0' GAB

A book entitled Forensic EJo^ y Mr.John Goss, appears to have for purpose to teachthe young idea how to spout, and that purpose,I dare say, it will accomplish if something is

not done to prevent. I know nothing of thematter myself, a strong distaste for forensiceloquence, or eloquence of any kind implyinga man mounted on his legs and doing all thetalking, having averted me from its si

The training of the youth of this country to

utterance of themselves after that fashion I

should regard as a disaster of magnitude. Sofar as I know it. forensic eloquence is the art>ing things in such a way as to make them

pass for more than they are worth. Employedin matters of importance (and for other em-ployment it were hardly worth acqui:mischievous because dishonest and misleading.In the public service Truth n notclad in cloth-of-gold and bedaubed with finelace. If eloquence does not beget action it is

valueless; but action which results from the





A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFE IT

I have but one —''are not the great forensic

speeches by the world's famous orators goodreading? Considering them merely as liter-

ature do you not derive a high and refiningpleasure from them? I do not: I find themturgid and tumid no end. They are bad read-ing, though they may have been good hearing.In order to enjoy them one must have in mem-ory what, indeed, one is seldom permitted to

forget: that they were addressed to the ear;

and in imagination one must hold someshadowy simulacrum of the orator himself, ut-

tering his work. These conditions being ful-

filled there remains for application to the mat-ter of the discourse too little attention to getmuch good of it, and the total effect is con-fusion. Literature by which the reader is com-pelled to bear in

mind theproducer and the

circumstances under which it was produced canbe spared.

NATURA BENIGNA

It is not always on remote islands peopledwith pagans that great disasters occur, as

memory witnesseth. Nor are the forces ofnature inadequate to production of a fiercerthroe than any that we have known. The situ-

ation is this: we are tied by the feet to afragile shell imperfectly confining a forcepowerful enough under favoring conditions, toburst it asunder and set the fragments wallow-ing and grinding together in liquid flame, inthe blind fury of a readjustment. Nay, it needsno such stupendous cataclysm to depeople thisuneasy orb. Let but a square mile be blown




out of the bottom of the sea, or a great rift

open there. Is it to be supposed that we wouldbe unaffected in the altered conditions gen-erated by a contest between the ocean and theearth's molten core? These fatalities are notonly possible but in the highest degree prob-able. It is probable, indeed, that they haveoccurred over and over again, effacing all themore highly organized forms of life, and com-pelling the slow march of evolution to beginanew. Slow? On the stage of Eternity thepassing of races —the entrances and exits ofLife —are incidents in a brisk and lively drama,following one another with confusing rapidity.

Mankind has not found it practicable toabandon and avoid those places where the forcesof nature have been most malign. The trackof the Western tornado is speedily repeopled.San Francisco is still populous, despite its

earthquake, Galveston despite its storm, andeven, the courts of Lisbon are not kept by thelion and the lizard. In the Peruvian villagestraight downward into whose streets the crewof a United States warship once looked from,

the crest of a wave that stranded her a halfmile inland are heard the tinkle of the guitarand the voices of children at play. There arepeople living at Herculaneum and Pompeii. Onthe slopes about Catania the goatherd endureswith what courage he may the trembling ofthe ground beneath his feet as old Enceladus

again turns over on his other side. As theHoang-Ho goes back inside its banks after fer-

tilizing its contiguity with hydrate of China-nut n the living agriculturist follows the reced-




ing wave, sets up his habitation beneath thebroken embankment, and again the Valley of

the Gone Away blossoms as the rose, its peoplediving with Death.

This matter can not be amended: the raceexposes itself to peril because it can do nootherwise. In all the world there is no city

of refuge —no temple in which to take sanct-uary, clinging to the horns of the altar —no place apart where, like hunted deer, we canhope to elude the baying pack of Nature'smalevolences. The dead-line is drawn at thegate of life: Man crosses it at birth. His ad-vent is a challenge to the entire pack —earth-quake, storm, fire, flood, drought, heat, cold,

wild beasts, venomous reptiles, noxious insects,bacilli, spectacular plague and velvet-footed

household disease —all are fierce and tireless inpursuit. Dodge, turn and double how he can,there's no eluding them; soon or late some ofthem have him by the throat and his spirit re-

turns to the God who gave it —and gave them.

We are told that this earth was made for ourinhabiting. Our dearly beloved brethren in

the faith, our spiritual guides, philosophers andfriends of the pulpit, never tire of pointing outthe goodness of God in giving us so excellenta place to live in and commending the admir-able adaptation of all things to our needs.

What a fine world it is, to be sure —a darlinglittle world, so suited to the needs of man.

Aglobe of liquid fire, straining within a shell

relatively no thicker than that of an egg —shell constantly cracking and in momentarydanger of going all to pieces Three-fourths






of a life for a life —to represent it as a relic

of barbarism, a usurpation of the divineauthority, and the rest of it. The law makingmurder punishable by death is as purely ameasure of self-defense as is the display of apistol to one diligently endeavoring to kill

without provocation. It is in precisely thesame sense an admonition, a warning to abstainfrom crime. Society says by that law: If youkill one of us you die, just as by display of

the pistol the individual whose life is attackedsays: Desist or be shot. To be effective thewarning in either case must be more than anidle threat. Even the most unearthly reasoneramong the anti-hanging unfortunates wouldhardly expect to frighten away an assassin whoknew the pistol to be unloaded. Of course

these queer illogicians can not be made tounderstand that their position commits themto absolute non-resistance to any kind of ag-gression; and that is fortunate for the rest ofus, for if as Christians they frankly and con-sistently took that ground we should be underthe miserable necessity of respecting them.

We have good reason to hold that the hor-rible prevalence of murder in this country is

due to the fact that we do not execute ourlaws —that the death penalty is threatened butnot inflicted —that the pistol is not. loaded. Incivilized countries where there is enough re-spect for the laws to administer them, thereis

enough to obey them. While man still hasas much of the ancestral brute as his skin canhold without cracking we shall have thievesand demagogues and anarchists and assassins




and persons with a private system of lexicog-raphy who define murder as disease and hang-

ing as murder, but in all this welter of crimeand stupidity are areas where human life is

comparatively secure against the human hand.It is at least a significant coincidence that inthese the death penalty for murder is fairly

well enforced by judges who do not derive anypart of their authority from those for whose

unishment they hold it. Againstthe life of one guiltless person the lives of tenthou- lerers count for nothing; theirhanging is a public good, without reference tothe crimes that disclose their deserts. If wecould discover them by other signs than theirbloody deeds they should be hanged anyhow.Unfortunately we must have a death as evi-

dence. The scientist who will tell us how to

recognize the potential assassin, and persuadeus to kill him, will be the greatest benefactorof his centi

What would these enemies of the gibbethave —these lineal descendants of the drunkenmob- man at Tyburn Tree;

hich has so defiledwith the mtici imosity the noble officeof p that even in this en-

duty, enti

\ 1 subordinate?If murder is unjust o: portance

her its punishment by death be just or

not? —nobody need r it. Men ardrafted for the death penal volunteer.

not deterrent, mutters the gen-tleman whose rude forefather hooted the hang-



A CYNIC LOOKS AT L

man. Well, as to that, the law which 1

accomplish more than a part of its purposemust be awaited with great patience. E

murder proves that hanging is not alto^.

deterrent; every hanging, that it

deterrent —it deters the person hanged. Aman's first murder is his crime, his

ours.

The socialises, it seems, bel:

Karr, in the expediency of abolishing the deathpenalty; but apparently they do not hold, withhim, that the ass ould begin,want the state to begin, believing tha:magnanimous example will effect a chan-heart in those about to murder. Thiit, is the meaning of their assertion that deathpenalties have not the deterring influence that

imprisonment for life carries. In this theyobviously err: death deters at least the personwho suffers it —he commits no more murder;whereas the assassin who is imprisoned forlife and immune from further punishment maywith impunity kill his keeper or whomsoeverhe may be able to get at. Even as matters noware, incessant vigilance is required to preventconvicts in prison from murdering their atten-dants and one another. How would it be :

life-termer were assuredditional inconvenience for braining a guard oc-

casionally* or strangling a chaplain now andthen? A penitentiary may be describedplace of punishment and re war underthe system proposed, the difference in desirable-ness between a sentence and an appointmentwould be virtually effaced. To overcome thi3




objection a life sentence would have to meansolitary confinement, and that means insanity.Is

that whatthese

gentlemen proposeto

sub-stitute for death?

The death penalty, say these amiables andfutilitarians, creates blood-thirstiness in the un-thinking masses and defeats its own ends —is

itself a cause of murder, not a check. Thesegentlemen are themselves of the unthinking

masses —they

donot

know howto think.

Letthem try to trace and lucidly expound the chainof motives lying between the knowledge that amurderer has been hanged and the wish tocommit a murder. How, precisely, does the onebeget the other? By what unearthly process ofreasoning does a man turning away from thegallows persuade himself that it is expedient to

incur the danger of hanging? Let us havepointed out to us the several steps in thatremarkable mental progress. Obviously, thething is absurd; one might as reasonably saythat contemplation of a pitted face will makea man wish to go and catch smallpox, or thespectacle of an amputated limb on the scrap-

heap of a hospital tempt him to cut off his armor renounce his leg.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,say the opponents of the death penalty, is notjustice; it is revenge and unworthy of a Chris-tian civilization. It is exact justice: nobodycan think of anything more accurately just

than such punishments would be, whatever themotive in awarding them. Unfortunately sucha system is not practicable, but he who deniesit : justice must deny also the justice of a bushel





A CYNIC LOOKS AT L

it may rightly threate: Havingrightly md mercifully ;::tUr:t: to take i:.

it not only rightly may xpediently.: s :

n- of a life for a life does not al-

law can aUo-.me, nor

?7od could. right and

::ipla-

tion - doubtles-we could have

-e of suf-

are,

Our ; :pon;in the thin air of

of honor and the beacons of c

could not he k A commuout crime would be a c: i hoot warmand eleva e of

i.out courage,

mnn I

God and unco- uave,and do have, too m to doubt; what

Justnow we are running a good deal to murder, but

uomenon,pen-

ironi anyed to the innocent

- of being a simpleton.



4 CYXIC LOOKS AT L: 27

mThe the death pen-

alty, naturally, for she is hot and hardy in theconviction that wha

^rld in or lighten thingsabout a bit, and is in d mberof things be insufficient to her need. The mat-

e important vrelation to the ne~that are to be the outcome of woman suffrage.There can be no c majorityof women ha r

i] objections to thedeath penalty that quite out we prac-tical ley can bepersuaded to com; le mi-nority of menmalady, they will indubitah aboli-tion in the first lustrum of their political equal-

BW Woman will scarcely feel theseat of power warm beneath her be:

n's unhand me, villain the au-thority of law. Soexperiment, d:~ lures,

of preventing crime by ûghtcrimir inal uncaught will treatus to a quant: uality of tablyaugmented by the Irft of the new

me.

IV

iple and prac-way to m pedi-

adoption by murdere:of painle- nations. Until this is done




there seems to be no call to renounce the whole-some discomfort of the style of executions en-

deared to us by memories and associations ofthe tenderest character. There is, I fancy, ashaping notion in the observant mind that thepenologists and their allies have gone about asfar as they can safely be permitted to go in thedirection of a softer suasion of the criminalnature toward good behavior. The modernprison has become a rather more comfortablehabitation than the dangerous classes are ac-

customed to at home. Modern prison life hasin their eyes something of the charm andglamor of an ideal existence, like that in theHappy Valley from which Rasselas had thefolly to escape. Whatever advantages to thepublic may be secured by abating the rigors ofimprisonment and inconveniences incident to

execution, there is this objection: it makesthem less deterrent. Let the penologers andphilanthropers have their way and even hang-ing might be made so pleasant and withal sointeresting a social distinction that it woulddeter nobody but the person hanged. Adoptthe euthanasian method of electricity, asphyxiaby smothering in rose-leaves, or slow poison-ing with rich food, and the death penalty maycome to be regarded as the object of a nobleambition to the ton vivant, and the risingyoung suicide may go and kill somebody elseinstead of himself, in order to receive from the

public executioner a happier dispatch than hisown 'prentice hand can assure him.

But the advocatesôf^ agreeable pains and



AT LIFE

penalties tell us that in the darker ages, whencruel and degrading pui e the rule,

and was freely J for every light infrac-

tion of the law, crime i thanit is now; and in U appear to be right.

But one and a overlook .ually

)us and \ ant. that the in-

moral c . : theôre com-

mon because ignor: more common, pov-authority, and

:ore hatr^, more com-mon. The world of even a

he world c: and aa popular

:man:he same then that

now. In the ver; thatwhen women

burned a: i public for variouswere hanged for coining'*'

and children fc 111 remoterperiod (circa IS

veral w& finals

1 some are thought tohave und~ x dure of cold-

.ng (an infliction which the pen of Hugoa popular —in li

wicked old da; auseof the la T

hat our law-making ancestors under-

stood the situation as it then : bet-ter than we can understand it on the hitherside of this gulf c: were





admiring- the cyclopean architecture of the'reverend pile I was accosted by a man in uni-

form, evidently the warden, with a ch-

Colonel, I said, pray tell me what is this

This/* said he, is the ntiary. It is one of twelve, all alike.

~You surprise me, I replied.

criminal element mus~

mously.*Yes, indeed, he assented; under the Re-

form rejrime, which began in your day, crimebecame M powerful, bold and :;er:^ thai ar-

rests were no longer possible and the prison* .Jlrl 11 r.T --Lr ~r7~ - ; 1 71 I

~=z 77 7 7 ~ 1 r 1 7-6

r:i:r —is ;:m;r::rl :•: err: 1: ::L~rs :: ?rea:er

capacity.' But Colonel, I protested

—t7t ::: :: .: in: ;:' r:.:: :: ':- 7ikrii :n:o

: *is : •: «i v ::' ~ 7. ;. : :-- ;

•. 7 - ::: ;. 7 : .- : 7- - A 7.

how are they crowded VHe fixed upon me a look that I could not

fail to intrrpre: as expressing a ionbt >1 mysanity. What he said, is it possible thatthe modern penology is unknown to you? Doyou suppose we practice the antiquated and in-

effective method of sautting up the rascals?Sir, the growth of the criminal element haI said, compelled the erection of more andlarger prisons. We have enough to hold

fortably *H fnc honest men and women :-: thestate. Within these protecting walls I

II ill I/.- lrlrSr-77 ' 7_; 1. . . I - : \-L . - 7 .. I -'






horror of annihilation, we may be very surethat he has not many opportunities for obser-vation, or that he has not availed himself of

all that he has. Most persons go to sleeprather gladly, yet sleep is virtual annihilationwhile it lasts; and if it should last forever thesleeper would be no worse off after a millionyears of it than after an hour of it. There areminds sufficiently logical to think of it thatway, and to them annihilation is not a disagree-

able thing to contemplate and expect.In this matter of immortality, people's beliefs

appear to go along with their wishes. The manwho is content with annihilation thinks he will

get it; those that want immortality are prettysure they are immortal; and that is a verycomfortable allotment of faiths. The few of

us that are left unprovided for are those whodo not bother themselves much about the mat-ter, one way or another.

The question of human immortality is themost momentous that the mind is capable ofconceiving. If it is a fact that the dead live

all other facts are in comparison trivial andwithout interest. The prospect of obtainingcertain knowledge with regard to this stu-

pendous matter is not encouraging. In all

countries but those in barbarism the powersof the profoundest and most penetrating in-

telligences have been ceaselessly addressed to

the task of glimpsing a life beyond this life;

yet today no one can truly say that he knows.It is as much a matter of faith as ever it was.

Our modern Christian nations profess a pas-



,i A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFE

sionate hope and belief in another world, yetthe most popular writer and speaker of his

time, the man whose lectures drew the largestaudiences, the work of whose pen brought himthe highest rewards, was he who most strenu-ously strove to destroy the ground of that hopeand unsettle the foundations of that belief.

The famous and popular Frenchman, Pro-fessor of Spectacular Astronomy, Camille

Flammarion, affirms immortality because hehas talked with departed souls who said thatit was true. Yes, monsieur, but surely youknow the rule about hearsay evidence. WeAnglo-Saxons are very particular about that.

M. Flammarion says: I don't repudiate the presumptive argu-

ments of schoolmen. I merely supplementthem with something positive. For instance,if you assumed the existence of God this argu-ment of the scholastics is a good one. Godhas implanted in all men the desire of perfecthappiness. This desire cannot be satisfied inour lives here. If there were not another life

wherein to satisfy it then God would be a de-

clever. Voila toutThere is more: the desire of perfect happi-

ness does not imply immortality, even if thereGod, for

(1) God may not have implanted it, butmerely suffers it to exist, as he suffers sin to

. the desire of wealth, the desire to live

r than we do in this world. It is notheld that (iod implanted all the desires of thehuman heart. Then why hold that he im-planted that of perfect happiness?




(2) Even if he did —even if a divinely im-planted desire entail its own gratification

even if it cannot be gratified in this life —that does not imply immortality. It impliesonly another life long enough for its gratifica-

tion just once. An eternity of gratification is

not a logical inference from it.

(3) Perhaps God is a deceiver whoknows that he is not? Assumption of the ex-

istence of a God is one thing; assumption ofthe existence of a God who is honorable andcandid according to our conception of honorand candor is another.

(4) There may be an honorable and can-did God. He may have implanted in us thedesire of perfect happiness. It may be —it is

—impossible to gratify that desire in this life.Still, another life is not implied, for God maynot have intended us to draw the inferencethat he is going to gratify it. If omniscientand omnipotent, God must be held to have in-

tended whatever occurs, but no such God is

assumed in M. Flammarion's illustration, andit

may be that God's knowledge and powerare limited, or that one of them is limited.

M. Flammarion is a learned, if somewhattheatrical, astronomer. He has a tremendousimagination, which naturally is more at homein the marvelous and cs tic than in theorderly regions of familiar phenomena. To

him the heavens are an immense pyrotechnic-on and he is the master of the show and setsoff the fireworks. But he knows nothing of

logic, which is the science of straight think-



36 A CTXIC LOOKS AT LIFE

ing, and his views of things have therefore novalue; they are nebulous.

Nothing is clearer than that our pre-exist-ence is a dream, having absolutely no basisin anything that we know or can hope to know.Of after-existence there is said to be evidence,or rather testimony, in assurances of thosewho are in present enjoyment of it —if n is

enjoyable. Whether this testimony has actual-ly been given —and it is the only testimonyworth a moment's consideration —is a disputedpoint. Many persons living this life professto have received it. But nobody professes, orever has professed, to have received a com-munication of any kind from one in actualexperience of the fore-life. The souls as yetungarmented. if such there are, are dumb to

question. The Land beyond the Grave hasbeen, if not observed, yet often and variouslydescribed: if not explored and surveyed, yetcarefully charted. From among so many ac-

counts of it that we have, he must be fastidi-

ous indeed who cannot be suited. But of theFatherland that spreads before the cradle

the great Heretofore, wherein we all dwelt ifwe are to dwell in the Hereafter, we haveno account. Nobody professes knowledge ofthat. No testimony reaches our ears of fleshconcerning its topographical or other features;no one has been so enterprising as to wrestfrom its actual inhabitants any particulars oftheir character and appearance.

Andamong

educated experts and professional proponentsof worlds to be there is a general denial ofits existence.




I am of their way of thinking about that.

The fact that we have no recollection of a

former life is entirely conclusive of the mat-ter. To have lived an unrecollected life is

impossible and unthinkable, for there wouldbe nothing to connect the new life with theold —no thread of continuity —nothing that per-sisted from the one life to the other. Thelater birth would be that of another person,

an altogether different being, unrelated to thefirst —a new John Smith succeeding to thelate Tom Jones.

Let us not be misled here by a false analogy.Today I may get a thwack o' the mazzardwhich will give me an intervening season ofunconsciousness between yesterday and to-

morrow. Thereafter I may live to a green oldage with no recollection of anything that I

knew, or did, or was before the accident; yetI shall be the same person, for between theold life and the new there will be a nexus, athread of continuity, something spanning thegulf from the one state to the other, and the

same in both —namely, my body with its habits,capacities and powers. That is I; that identi-fies me to others as my former self —authenti-cates and credentials me as the person that in-

curred the cranial mischance, dislodgingmemory.

But when death occurs all is dislodged if

memory is; for between two merely mental orspiritual existences memory is the only nexusconceivable; consciousness of identity is theonly identity. To live again without memory




of having lived before is to live another. Re-existence without recollection is absurd. Thereis nothing to re-exist.

EMANCIPATED WOMANWhat I should like to know is, how the

enlargement of woman's sphere by her en-trance into various activities of commercial,professional and industrial life benefits the sex.

It may please Helen Gougar and satisfy hersense of logical accuracy to say, as she does: We women must work in order to fill theplaces left vacant by liquor-drinking men.But who filled these places before? Did theyremain vacant, or were there then disappointedapplicants, as now? If my memory serves, there

has been no time in the period that it coverswhen the supply of workers —abstemious maleworkers —was not in excess of the demand.That it has always been so is sufficiently at-

tested by the universally inadequate wage rate.

Employers seldom fail, and never for long, to

get all the workmen they need. The field intowhich women have put their sickles was al-

ready overcrowded with reapers. Whatever em-ployment women have obtained has been gotby displacing men —who would otherwise besupporting women.; Where is the general ad-vantage? We may shout high tariff, com-bination of capital, demonetization of silver,

and what not, but if searching for the causeof augmented poverty and crime, industrialdiscontent and the tramp evil, instead of dog-matically expounding it, we should take some




account of this enormous, sudden addition to

the number of workers seeking work. If any-

one thinks that within the brief period of a

generation the visible supply of labor can beenormously augmented without profoundly af-

fecting the stability of things and disastrously

touching the interests of wage-workers let norude voice dispel his dream of such maleficentagencies as his slumbrous understanding mayjoy to affirm. And let our Widows of Ashurunlung themselves in advocacy of quack rem-edies for evils of which themselves are cause;it remains true that when the contention of

two lions for one bone is exacerbated by theaccession of a lioness the squabble is not com-posable by stirring up some bears in the cageadjacent.

Indubitably a woman is under no obligationto sacrifice herself to the good of her sex byforegoing needed employment in the hope thatit may fall to a man gifted with dependentwomen. Nevertheless our congratulations aremore intelligent when bestowed upon her in-

dividual head than when sifted into the hair of

all Eve's daughters. This is a world of com-plexities, in which the lines of interest are sointertangled as frequently to transgress that ofsex; and one ambitious to help but half therace may profitably know that every effort tothat end provokes a counterbalancing mischief.The enlargement of woman's opportunitieshas benefited individual women. It has notbenefited the sex as a whole, and has distinctlydamaged the race. The mind that can not dis-

cern a score of great and irreparable general



40 A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFK

evils distinctly traceable to emancipation ofwoman is as impregnable to the light as atoad in a rock.

A marked demerit of the new order of things—the regime of female commercial service —is

that its main advantage accrues, not to therace, not to the sex, not to the class, not to

the individual woman, but to the person of least

need and worth —the male employer. (Femaleemployers in any considerable number there

will not be, but those that we have could givethe male ones profitable instruction in grind-ing the faces of their employes.) This con-stant increase of the army of labor —alwaysand everywhere too large for the work in sight—by accession of a new contingent of naturaloppressibles makes the very teeth of old Mun-

niglut thrill with a poignant delight. It bringsin that situation known as two laborers seekingone job —and one of them a person whose boneshe can easily grind to make his bread; andMunniglut is a miller of skill and experience,dusted all over with the evidence of his usefulcraft. When Heaven has assisted the Daugh-ters

of Hope to open to women a new avenueof opportunities the first to enter and walktherein, like God in the Garden of Eden, is

the good Mr. Munniglut, contentedly smoothingthe folds out of the superior slope of hispaunch, exuding the peculiar aroma of his ole-

aginous personality and larding the new road-way with the overflow of a righteousness stimu-lated to action by relish of his own identity.And ever thereafter the subtle suggestion of atat philistinism lingers along that path of



prog.

withpeile

ity to dotreatsideration tha t

of t: I~ - r- z :

occurto the

to h

lb order to have an hatback. Ke ha-

ipply an 1

in submittingof what hi

le example of obedience I must

and demand is not i

-i-menon. He :

re. If I

than I need to r mh that adv

him. Lteat. I do not know




and the owling eagle, approves the needy manof prey and makes a place for him at table.

Human nature is pretty well balanced; forevery lacking virtue there is a rough substitutethat will serve at a pinch —as cunning is thewisdom *of the unwise, and ferocity the courageof the coward. Nobody is altogether bad; thescoundrel who has grown rich by underpayingworkmen in his factory will sometimes endow

an asylumfor indigent

seamen. To oppressone's own workmen, and provide for the work-men of a neighbor —to skin those in charge ofone's own interests while cottoning and oilingthe residuary product of another's skinnerythat is not very good benevolence, nor verygood sense, but it serves in place of both. Theman who eats pdt6 de fois gras in the sweat ofhis girl cashier's face, or wears purple and finelinen in order that his typewriter may have aneocene gown and a pliocene hat, seems a toler-

ably satisfactory specimen of the genus thief;

but let us not forget that in his own homea fairly good one —he may enjoy and meritthat highest and most honorable title on thescroll of woman's favor, a good provider.One having a claim to that glittering distinc-

tion should enjoy immunity from the coarseand troublesome question, From whose backsand bellies do you provide?

So much for the material results to the sex.

What are the moral results? One does not like

to speak of them, particularly to those who donot and can not know —to good women in

whose innocent minds female immorality is in-

separable from flashy gowning and the painted




face; to foolish, book-taught men who honestlybelieve in some protective sanctity that hedgeswomanhood. If men of the world with yearsenough to have lived out of the old regime intothe new would testify in this matter therewould ensue a great rattling of dry bones in

bodices of reform-ladies. Nay, if the youngman about town, knowing nothing of howthings were in the dark* backward and absym

me, but something of the moral diên even so free-running a creature as the

society girl and the average working girl of thefactory, the shop and the office, wouldout (under assurance of immunity fromprosecution) his testimony would be a snrto the cartilaginous virgin- rons.acrid relicts and hairy males of Emancipation.It would pain, too. it un-observant persons not in sympathy with thecause.

Certain significant facts are within the pur-view of all but the very young and the com-fortably blind. To the woman of to-day the

man of to-day is imperfectly polite. In placeof reverence he gives her deference; to thelanguage of compliment has succeeded the lan-guage of raillery. Men have almost forgotten

to bow. Doubtless the advanced :

prefers the new manner, as may 3 me of herforward sisters, thinking i: :icere.

It is not; our giddy grandfather talked high-flown nonsense because his heart had tangledhis tongue. He treated his woman morecivilly than we ours because he loved herbetter. He never had seen her on the ros-






Yironment may we not at last succumb? Thesubject lends itself readily enough to a jest,

but I am not jesting: it is really altogetherprobable that our solar system, racing throughspace with inconceivable velocity, will one dayenter a region charged with something deleteri-

ous to the human brain, minding us all mad-wise.

By the way, dear reader, did you ever hap-

pen to consider the possibility that you area lunatic, and perhaps confined in an asylum?It seems to you that you are not— that yougo with freedom where you will, and use asweet reasonableness in all your works andways; but to many a lunatic it seems that heis Rameses II, or the Holkar of Indore. Manya plunging maniac, ironed to the floor of acell, believes himself the Goddess of Libertycareering gaily through the Ten Command-ments in a chariot of gold. Of your own san-ity and identity you have no evidence that is

any better than he has of his. More accur-ately, I have none of mine; for anything I

know, you do not exist, nor any one of all

the things wkh which I think myself familiarlyconscious. All may be fictions of my dis-

ordered imagination. I really know of butone reason for doubting that L am an inmateof an asylum for the insane —namely, theprobability that there is nowhere any suchthing as an asylum for the insane.

This kind of speculation has charms thatget a good neck-hold upon attention. For ex-

ample, if I am really a lunatic, and the per-sons and things that I seem to see about me




have no objective existence, what an ingeniousthough disordered imagination I must have

What a clever coup it was to invent Mr.Rockefeller and clothe him with the attributeof permanence With what amusing qualitiesI have endowed my laird of Skibo, philan-thropist. What a masterpiece of creative hu-mor is my Fatty Taft, statesman, taking him-self seriously, even solemnly, and persuadingothers to

dothe

same Andthis city of

Wash-ington, with its motley population of Silurians,

parvenoodles and scamps pranking unashamedin the light of day, and its saving contingentof the forsaken righteous, their seed beggingbread, —did Rabelais' exuberant fancy everconceive so —but Rabelais is, perhaps, himselfa conception.

Surely he is no common maniac wT ho haswrought out of nothing the history, the phil-

osophies, sciences, arts, laws, religions, poli-

tics and morals of this imaginary world Nay,the world itself, tumbling uneasily throughspace like a beetle's ball, is no mean achieve-ment, and I am proud of it. But the mentalfeat in which I take most satisfaction, andwhich I doubt not is most diverting to mykeepers, is that of creating Mr. W. R Hearst,pointing his eyes toward the White House andendowing him with a perilous Jacksonian am-bition to defile it. The Hearst is distinctly atreasure.

On the whole, I have done, I think, tolerablywell, and when I contemplate the fertility andoriginality of my inventions, the queer un-earthliness and grotesque actions of the char-






Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is

yours.A little heap of dust,

A little streak of rust,A stone without a nameLo hero, sword and fame.

Our vocabulary is defective; we give the samename to woman's lack of temptation and man'slack of opportunity.

You scoundrel, you have wronged me,

hissed the philosopher. May you live for-ever

The man who thinks that a garnet can bemade a ruby by setting it in brass is writing dialect for publication.

Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thouseek? I am Generosity, and I seek a person

named Gratitude. Then thou dost not de-serve to find her. T*ae. I will go about mybusiness and think ofêr no more. But whoart thou, to be so wise? I am Gratitudefarewell forever.

There was never a genius who was notthought a fool until he disclosed himself;whereas he is a fool then only.

The boundaries that Napoleon drew havebeen effaced ; the kingdoms that he set up havedisappeared. But all the armies and statecraftof Europe cannot unsay what you have said.

Strive not for singularity in dress;Fools have the more and men of sense the less.To look original is not worth while,

But be in mind a little out of style.A conqueror arose from the dead. Yester-day, he said, I ruled half the world. Pleaseshow me the half that you ruled, said an angel,





SO A CYNIC LOOKS AT LIFE

Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Successstood still. Merit stepped off into the mud and

went around him, bowing his apologies, whichSuccess had the grace to accept.

I think, says the philosopher divine, There-fore I am. Sir, here's a surer sign: We knowwe live, for with our every breath we feel thefear and imminence of death.

The first man you meet is a fool. If you

do not think so ask him and he will prove it.

He who would rather inflict injustice thansuffer it will always have his choice, for noinjustice can be done to him.

There are as many conceptions of a perfecthappiness hereafter as there are minds thathave marred their happiness here.

We yearn to be, not what we are, but whatwe are not. If we were immortal we shouldnot crave immortality.

A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you,but it brought none to the rabbit.

Before praising the wisdom of the man whoknows how to hold his tongue ascertain if heknows how to hold his pen.

The most charming view in the world is ob-

tained by introspection.Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are

d secretly and the player sees most of thegame. But the looker-on has one incomparable

ntage: he is not the stake.It is not for nothing that tigers choose to

huh; in the jungle, for commerce and tradeare carried on, mostly, in the open.

We Bay that wo love, not whom we will, but




whom we must. Our judgment need not, there-

fore, go to confession.

Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one endsin suicide, the other in marriage.

If you give alms from compassion, why re-

quire the beneficiary to be a deserving object?No other adversity is so sharp as destitutionof merit.

Bereavement is the name that selfishnessgives to a particular privation.

O proud philanthropist, your hope is vainTo get by giving what you lost by gain.With every gift you do but swell the cloudOf witnesses against you swift and loudAccomplices who turn and swear you splitYour life: half robber and half hypocrite.You're least unsafe when most intact you holdYour curst allotment of dishonest gold.

The highest and rarest form of contentmentis aproval of the success of another.

If Inclination challenge, stand and fightFrom Opportunity the wise take flight.

What a woman most admires in a man is

distinction among men. What a man most ad-mires in a woman is devotion to himself.

Those who most loudly invite God's attentionto themselves when in peril of death are thosewho should most fervently wish to escape hisobservation.

When you have made a catalogue of your

friend's faults it is only fair to supply him witha duplicate, so that he may know yours.

How fascinating is Antiquity —in what agolden haze the ancients lived their lives We,




too, are ancients. Of our enchanting time Pos-terity's great poets will sing immortal songs,

and its archaeologists will reverently uncoverthe foundations of our palaces and temples.Meantime we swap jack-knives.

Observe, my son, with how austere a virtuethe man without a cent puts aside the tempta-tion to manipulate the market or acquire amonopoly.

For study of the good and the bad in womantwo women are a needless expense.

There's no free will, says the philosopher; To hang is most unjust.

There is no free will, assents the officer; We hang because we must.

Hope is an explorer who surveys the countryahead. That is why we know so much aboutthe Hereafter and so little about the Here-tofore.

Remembering that it was a woman who lost

the world, we should accept the act of cacklinggeese in saving Rome as partial reparation.

There are two classes of women who maydo as they please; those who are rich andthose who are poor. The former can count onassent, the latter on inattention.

When into the house of the heart Curiosityis admitted as the guest of Love she turns herhost out of doors.

Happiness has not to all the same name:to Youth she is known as the Future; Ageknows her as the Dream.

Who art thou, there in the mire? Intui-tion. I leaped all the way from where thou




standest in fear on the brink of the bog. Agreat feat, madam; accept the admiration of

Reason, sometimes known as Dryfoot.In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference

whether it is uprooted or rooted up. The dif-

ference is in the reformer.The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the

equality of the sexes: no man is so base butsome woman is base enough to love him.

Having no eyes in the back of the head, wesee ourselves on the verge of the outlook. Onlyhe who has accomplished the notable feat of

turning about knows himself the central figurein the universe.

Truth is so good a thing that falsehood cannot afford to be without it.

If women did the writing of the world, in-

stead of the talking, men would be regarded asthe superior sex in beauty, grace and goodness.

Love is a delightful day's journey. At thefarther end kiss your companion and say fare-well.

Let him who would wish to duplicate hisevery experience prate of the value of life.

The game of discontent has its rules, andhe who disregards them cheats. It is not per-mitted to you to wish to add another's advan-tages or possessions to your own; you are per-

mitted only to wish to be another.The creator and arbiter of beauty is the

heart; to the male rattlesnake the female rat-

tlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature.Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the

heart goes into the head there is no dissen-sion; only an eviction.




If you want to read a perfect book there is

only one way: write it.

Where goest thou, Ignorance? To fortifythe mind of a maiden against a peril. I amgoing thy way. My name is Knowledge.

Scoundrel Thou art the peril.

A prude is one who blushes modestly at theindelicacy of her thoughts and virtuously flies

from the temptation of her desires.

The man who is always taking you by thehand is the same who if you were hungry wouldtake you by the cafe.

When a certain sovereign wanted war hethrew out a diplomatic intimation; when ready,a diplomat.

If public opinion were determined by a throwof the dice, it would in the long run be halfthe time right.

The gambling known as business looks withaustere disfavor upon the business known aagambling.

A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mor-tals: she is faithful to that which is neitherpleased nor profited by her fidelity.

Of one who was foolish the creators ofour language said that he was fond. Thatwe have not definitely reversed the meaningsof the words should be set down to the credit ofour court.

Rioting gains its end by the power of num-believer in the wisdom and goodness

if is not permitted to denounce asuccessful mob.






indifference, an overlooking of our importance;whereas an injury presupposes some degree of

consideration. The blackguards said a trav-eler whom Sicilian brigands had released with-out ransom; did they think me a person of noconsequence ?

The people's plaudits are unheard in hell.

Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue thattakes no chances.

If there was a world before this we must allhave died impenitent.

We are what we laugh at. The stupid personis a poor joke, the clever, a good one.

If every man who resents being called arogue resented being one this would be a worldof wrath.

Force and charm are important elements ofcharacter, but it counts for little to be strongerthan honey and sweeter than a lion.

Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool:Why keep them g-lowing with thv sighs, poor

fool?

A popular author is one who writes what thepeople think. Genius invites them to thinksomething else.

Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey wouldrepresent him with long ears and a tail. Man'sconception is higher and truer: he thinks ofhim as somewhat resembling a man.

Christians and camels receive their burdenskneeling.

The sky is a concave mirror in which Mansees his own distorted image and seeks to pro-pitiate it.



A CYNIC .LOOKS AT LIFE 57

Honor thy father and thy mother that thydays may be long in the land, but do not hopethat the life insurance companies will offer

thee special rates.

Persons who are horrified by what they be-

lieve to be Darwin's theory of the descent ofMan from the Ape may find comfort in thehope of his return.

A strong mind is more easily impressedthan a weak; you shall not so readily convincea fool that you are a philosopher as a philoso-pher that you are a fool.

A cheap and easy cynicism rails at every-thing. The master of the art accomplishes theformidable task of discrimination.

When publicly censured our first instinct is

tomake

everybody a codefendant.

O lady fine, fear not to leadTo Hymen's shrine a clown:

Love cannot level up, indeed,But he can level down.

Men are polygamous by nature and monog-amous for opportunity. It is a faithful man

who is willing to be watched by a half-dozenwives.

The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen, I did not know that I was a virtue, she said.

Why did you not choose Innocence? Becauseof her ignorance, they replied. She knowsnothing but that she is a virtue.

It is a wise man's man who knows what it

is that he despises in a ladies' man.If the vices of women worshiped their creators

men would boast of the adoration they inspire,




The only distinction that democracies rewardis a high degree of conformity.

Slang is the speech of him whc robs the

literary garbage carts on their way to thedumps.

A woman died who had passed her life inaffirming the superiority of her sex. At last,

she said, I shall have rest and honors. En-ter, said Saint Peter; thou shalt wash thefaces of the dear little cherubim.

To woman a general truth has neither valuenor interest unless she can make a particularapplication of it. And we say that women arenot practical

The ignorant know not the depth of theirignorance, but the learned know the shallow-ness of their learning.

He who relates his success in charmingwoman's heart may be assured of his failure to

charm man's ear.

What poignant memories the shadows bringWhat songs of triumph in the dawning ringBy night a coward and by day a king.

When among the graves of thy fellows, walkwith circumspection; thine own is open at thyfeet.

As the physiognomist takes his own face asthe highest type and standard, so the critic's

theories are imposed by his own limitations. Heaven lies about us in our infancy, and

our neighbors take up the tale as we mature.

My laws, she said, are of myself a part:I read them by examining my heart.

True, he replied; like those to Moses known,Thine also are engraven upon stone.




Love is a distracted attention: from contem-plation of one's self one turns to consider one's

dream. Halt — who goes there? Death. Ad-

vance, Death, and give the countersign. Howneedless I care not to enter thy camp to-

night. Thou shalt enter mine. What I adeserter? Nay, a great soldier. Thou shaltovercome all the enemies of mankind. Who

are they? Life and the Fear of Death.The palmist looks at the wrinkles made byclosing the hand and says they signify char-acter. The philosopher reads character bywhat the hand most loves to close upon.

Ah. woe is his, with length of living cursed,Who, nearing second childhood, had no first.

Behind, no glimmer, and before no rayA night at either end of his dark day.

A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is

not incompatible with a spirited zeal in defama-tion of women.

The money-getter who pleads his love of workhas a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.

He who thinks that praise of mediocrityatones for disparagement of genius is like onewho should plead robbery in excuse of theft.

The most disagreeable form of masculinehypocrisy is that which finds expression in pre-

tended remorse for impossible gallantries.

Any one can say that which is new; any onethat which is true. For that which is bothnew and true we must go duly accredited to thegods and await their treasure.




The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; forto the court of Reason must be submitted even

the claims of Faith. Whither goest thou? said the angel. I

know not. And whence hast thou come?I know not. But who art thou? I know

not. Then thou art Man. See that thou turnnot back, but pass on to the place whence thouhast come.

If Expediency and Righteousness are notfather and son they are the most harmoniousbrothers that ever were seen.

Train the head, and the heart will take careof itself; a rascal is one who knows not howto think.

Do you to others as you wouldThat others do to you;

But see that you no service goodWould have from others that they could

Not rightly do.

Taunts are allowable in the case of an ob-

stinate husband: balky horses may best bemade to go by having their ears bitten.

Adam probably regarded Eve as the womanof his choice, and exacted a certain gratitudefor the distinction of his preference.

A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reformhim you must begin with a dead ape and workdownward through a million graves. He is likethe lower end of a suspended chain; you can

sway him slightly to the right or the left, butremove your hand and he falls into line withthe other links.

He who thinks with difficulty beliefs with




alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but hemust be caught young, for his convictions, un-

like those of the wise, harden with age.These are the prerogatives of genius: To

know without having learned; to draw justconclusions from unknown premises; to dis-

cern the soul of things.Although one love a dozen times, yet will the

latest love seem the first. He who says he hasloved twice has not loved once.

Men who expect universal peace through in-

vention of destructive weapons of war are nowiser than one who, noting the improvementof agricultural implements, should prophesy anend to the tilling of the soil.

To parents only, death brings an inconsolablesorrow. When the young die and the old live,

nature's machinery is working with the fric-

tion that we name grief.

Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion ofwomen.

Civilization is the child of human ignoranceand conceit. If Man knew his insignificance inthe scheme of things he would not think it

worth while to rise from barbarity to enlight-enment. But it is only through enlightenmentthat he can know.

Along the road of life are many pleasure re-

sorts, but think not that by tarrying in themyou will take more days to the journey. Theday of your arrival is already recorded.

The most offensive egotist is he that fears tosay I and me. It will probably rainthat is dogmatic. I think it will rain — thatIs natural and modest. Montaigne is the most




delightful of essayists because so great Is hishumility that he does not think it important

that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets him-self that he employs no artifice to make usforget him.

On fair foundations Theocrats unRear superstructures that offend the skies.

cry, tins pile so fair and tallCome dwell within it and b 11.

But they alone inhabit it. and find.Poor fools, 'tis but a prison for the mind.

If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's witthou art an anarchist, and if thou take not hisword alt take nothing that he hath.Make haste, therefore, to be civil to thy betters,and so prosper, for prosperity is the founda-

tion of the state.Death is not the end; there remains the lit-

igation over the estate.

When God makes a beautiful woman, thedevil opens a new register.

Tv'hen Eve first saw her reflection in a pool,she sought Adam and accused him of infidelity.

Why dost thou weep? For the death ofmy wife. Alas I shall never again see her

wife will never again see thee, yet shedoes not weep.

it theology is to religion and jurispru-dence to justice, etiquette is to civil;-

Who art thou that despite the piercing coldand thy robe's raggedness seemest to enjoy thy-self? Naught else is enjoyable —I am Con-tentment. Ha thine must be a magic shirt.



Off with it I shiver in my fine attire,

have no shirt. P

Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It

may be harm. m beneficial; but it is

charming only to the unwise. T spuri-

ous ignorance is to disclose a genuine.

Because you will not take by theft what youcan have by cheating, think not yours is the

only conscience in the world. Even he who per-mits you to cheat his neighbor will shrink frompermitting you to cheat himself.

God keep thee, stranger: what is thy name?3 lorn. And thine? Knowledge. How

it happen tha~ n in-

:non of our paths it ever be de-

travel always the same road?1 named if we kne

thing is more logical than persecution. Re-ligious tolerance is a kind of infidel:

•ns are variable; to be always con-

aetimes dishoa

The philosopher's profoundestconvictic:

that which he is m ant to expres^he mislead.

-n exchange of identities is possible, be1; you may choose a person who is will-

most intolerant advocate is he who is

ng to convince himIn the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancel-

hequer proposed a tax on fools.

The right honorable and generous gentleman,




said a member, forgets that we already haveit in the poll tax.

Whose dead body is that? Credulity's.By whom was he slain? Credulity. Ah,

suicide. No, surfeit. He dined at the tableof Science, and swallowed all that was set be-fore him.

Don't board with the devil if you wish tobe fat.

Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor;his default is no proof of poverty.

Courage is the acceptance of the gambler'schance: a brave man bets against the game of

the gods.

Who art thou? A philanthropist. Andthou? A pauper. Away you have noth-ing to relieve my needs.

Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind;Age backward, for nothing is before.





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