Beyond the Limits of Myasthenia Gravis

8/8/2019 Beyond the Limits of Myasthenia Gravis

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Page 1 of 63 Beyond the LimitCopyright 1994 by Clete Gress Revised January 2000 & Reformatted December, 2005

Beyond the LimitsA Self Portrait of

Myasthenia GravisBy

Clete Gress

LF


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From:Rev.CarolynS.BelsheTo:CGressSubject:Isthisit?Date:Tuesday,December28,199910:46PM

FORWFORWFORWFORWARDARDARDARDGettingthegloriousnewsthatIhadbeenselectedtomanageahospitalinSoutheastAfricameantthatIwouldpassarigidphysicalexaminationwithlotsoflaboratorytestingandtobeginaseriesofinoculationstoenterforeigncountries.Theexcitementofforeignmissionaryworkhadbeenwithmesinceageseven.Nearingtheripeageoffiftymeantleavingbehindtwoadultsons,twograndchildren,ahostoffriendsandasuccessfulcareerinlong-termcareadministration.ProtectionconsistedofshotsandpillsandsuchforprotectionagainsteverythingfromYellowFevertoRabies.IwastostarttakingchlorquintabletstobuildupimmunityagainstMalaria.Ihadalwaysbeenonthemanagementendofhealthcareandleftallthosemedicaldebates

anddecisionstothosesotrained.Mynursecolleaguemadearrangementsforourpilltakingamountsandtimesandfaithfulnesstothetask.Itookmyturnatotherdutiesmorerelatedtotrainingscheduledeparturedatesandthelike.WearrivedinupstateNewYorktoexperienceamonthofintenseforeignserviceorientation.Ithoughtmyrecentmid-lifeweightgainwasslowingmedown.Mycolleaguewascomprehendingthingsintrainingthatseemedtojustfloatovermyhead.Neverdaringtoquestionwhatwashappening,Icontinuedtoblametheweightgainandallthoseshotsthatcouldpossiblymakeusfeelbadlyafewdays.ArrivinginPortugalafewweekslater,Icollapseduponenteringourapartmentandsleptforeighthourswithoutmoving,whileshegotacquaintedwiththebeautifullivingarrangement,scoutedtheneighborhoodforgrocerystoresandbusstops.Twodayslateritwastimeforusto

enterlanguagetraining.Ohsure,thereasonshewaslearningPortuguesesomucheasierwasherbackgroundinLatininnursingschool.Ohwell,therewillbeequalizationalongtheway,Ithought.Wecontinuedourdailyroutineofpills,thenmoreshots,thentimeforthatlonganticipatedflighttoAfrica.Ourworkbegan.SeveralweekspassedintomonthsandthecivilwarwascarryingonandourhospitalwasservingtheinjuredofbothsidesalongwithMalnourishedbeingtheprimarydiagnosisonalladmissionsandMalariabeingthesecondonalladmissions.Thencamethethirdandmaincausefortheirarrivalintheemergencyroom(usually)thatbeingwar-relatedatrocitiesofwhichmostAmericanscannotfathom.

One,thentheotherofus,beganhavingepisodesofMalaria.Shewouldbedownadayortwoatthemostandspringback.Forme,noway.Fearformylifewouldflythroughthemissionstation,makingnewsintheChurchoffice500milesawaywherethatnewswouldbetransmitted10,000milesbackaroundtheworldtotheNewYorkoffice.Reservesoffourdifferenttreatmentswouldbeadministeredwiththelocalfolksprayingthattheirmissionaryfriendwouldnotdieontheirhands.PlanswouldbemadeandIwouldbeshippedstatesideformedicalleave,recoveryandreturntothemostinterestingandfulfillingjobofmylife.FiveyearsandeightdocumentedboutslikeIhavejustdescribedandIwasbroughttoAtlanta,GAforfurthertestingandseveralmonthsmedicalleave.Uponcompletingthatcourseofaction


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IwassenttoNewYorktoworkinthefinanceofficeofourmissionagency.Icontactedaprivatephysiciantherewhohad35yearsexperienceinMalariawork,hopingthathewouldhaveaformulaforfreeingmeofwhatseemedtobepost-malariacomplications.HetestedandobservedmeforseveralmonthswithafinaldismissalofnotprovidingclearancetoevenleavetheStates.Supposedlytherewasaheartmurmurorsomesimilarminorreasonheprovided.

Inordertoreturntofrontlinemissionswork,ItookanassignmentinNewMexicowithaK-12school.ThatpositionprovidedschoolingbenefitsformyadoptedchildrenwhowerestillinAfrica.IhadmanagedtoaccumulateenoughvacationandsicktimetostopoverinWestTexasforOrdinationandgallbladdersurgery.Bothprogramsweresuccessfullyaccomplished.Ireturnedforthepost-opcheckuptoreporttheinstantaneousrelieffromthegallstonesurgerybutIcontinuedwiththisdreadfulsensationoffatigue,particularlyinmybackmuscles.Ithenasked,"wouldtherebeanychanceofthisproblembeinglinkedtoMyastheniaGravissinceIhadhadathymectomyin1978---asaresultofchestpain?Anappointmentwassetwiththeneurologistandeightdaysintomynewassignment(andnewinsuranceplan)IwasgiventhediagnosisofMG.

StartinganewmedicationcalledMestinon,Icontinuedtoworklonghours,thinkingthemedicationwouldmakethedifference.AswithmanynewassignmentsintheworldoffinancesIhadcomeuponaninterestingchallengeofbudgetproblemsthatnoonewantedtoclaim---meaninglongerhoursandmorestress.IttookeightmonthsofstressoverthescalebeforemybodysaidenoughandshutdownrightintoaMGcrisis.MostfolkswouldhavebeenwillingtostopbackuptheroadseveralyearsbutIwasoneofthosedie-hardsthatkeptgoing.IhadcutmyteethonManagementbyObjective,settingallsortsofrecordsforresolvingmanagementproblemsandmadelotsofmoneyforownershipasresults.WhywasIsodriven?WhydidIhavetoprovetofamily,co-workers,andtomethatmystrengthwasequaltomysizeextralarge?

Ididnotknow.Ijustknewitmustbedone.AftertheMGcrisisIbeganrecuperationslowly.SomedaysIseemedtogobackwardsthentoregainalittleonlytoloosegroundagain.Ihaddecidedthatmaybeburiedinallthiswasapointortwoofangerthathadnotbeenprocessed.Isoughtoutourpastoralcounselorforourchurch.WhenweinventoriedafternotthreeorfoursessionsthatIthoughtwouldbesufficient,but18months'worth,wewereabletoidentifythirteenpointsofgrieving.Still,alotofquestionsremainedinmymindaboutthepersonalityandthediseaseandhowcouldtheyworktogethertobenefitsomeonehowcouldIusethosetwofactorstore-entermissionwork.

Oneofthegreatblessingsofillnessisthatyoucanberecipienttomanycards,letters,phonecalls,visitsande-mails.SomewherealongthatpartofmyjourneyIcameincontactwithachildhoodfriend.Shebroughtherhusbandalongandtheycametovisitmeafterforty-twoyearsofnotseeingoneanother.Whatawonderfulvisit!Wehavecontinuedtostayinclosecontactthroughthewonderfuladvancesoftechnologycallede-mail.Theysentamagnetbelttotryonthemusclefatigue.ThenshefoundabookaboutMyastheniaGravisandaskedifIhadreadit.ThatlittlebookhasbeenamissinglinkinunderstandingMyastheniaGravisandthepersonalityinvolvement.WhenIbeganreadingCleteGress,BeyondtheLimits,Ibegan


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writingnotesinthemargins,underlining,makingreferences,rememberingdatesandincidents.UltimatelyIbegangettingacquaintedwiththemanwhohaswrittenwordsinalgebraicequations,personalitytraits,andsequentialstepsofbehavior.HehasdonethisinasimplisticwaythatmakesthislittlebookmybestadvisortolivingwithMyastheniaGravis.

CleteGressisamanwhohaslivedfortyyearswiththediseasebecausehehasfiguredoutlongagothatpersonalityisamajorpartofthegoverningofenteringtheworldofMGandlivingthereafteronehasentered.Icanonlysay"ThanksFriend."Ashebringstotheinternettheedition,IlookforwardtothefreshnessofbreathoftheHolySpirittoblesshimforthestrengthneededtoaccomplishthistasksothatmanyothersmayhavetheopportunitytofindsomePeaceinmountainstreamsandcontentmentintheforestsofonesSoul.Rev.CarolynS.Belshe,BSOE,MBA,MDiv.OrdainedMinisterandCommissionedMissionarywithGeneralBoardofGlobalMinistriesTheUnitedMethodistChurch.


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CHAPTERICHAPTERICHAPTERICHAPTERI

IthinkIthinkIthinkIthinkyoumighthaveyoumighthaveyoumighthaveyoumighthaveMYASTHENIAGRAVISMYASTHENIAGRAVISMYASTHENIAGRAVISMYASTHENIAGRAVIS

Theshowerwaswarmandgood,asharpcontrasttotherestofthisday'sevents.Asthewarmwatersoothedmybody,mymindreplayedscenesfromtoday'sTestHopofaT29.Aboutfifteenminutesintotheflight,stillclimbingfromtakeoffataboutfivethousandfeet,ourleft engine caught fire. Smoke rolled off the wing and when it thinned I could clearly seeflames. This wasserious trouble butno reason topanicas Ihad faith in the engineer ontoday'sflight.Ihadalwaysbeenabletofunctionduringemergencies,buttoday,lookingoutatourengineburning,onawingfullofexplosivefuel,Ibegantofeelastrongandterribleanxiety.

Thefateofourplanerestedsquarelyonthejudgmentoftheflightengineer.Hewoulddecideatpreciselywhichmomenttotriggerthefireextinguishersthatwerebuiltintotheenginepods.Youhadonlyoneshotandtimingwaseverything.Whentheywereusedupitwouldbetimeforplan"B".Jump!TheFlightEngineer'shandwasraisedhigh,ashestaredattheburningengine.Frommyseat,behindhisposition,Icouldseethecopilotlookingaroundthebulkhead,waitingforthesignaltoactivatetheextinguishers.Ilookedoutthewindowattheflamingengine,thentotheengineer'shandpoisedintheair,thentothecopilotwithhishandontheswitch.Tenlifetimespassedbeforetheengineer'shandfinallysliceddownward.Ahugepuffofsmokebillowed

fromtheengineandthen---nothing!Thenextthirtysecondswereexcruciatingaswewaitedtoseeifthefirewascompletelyextinguished.Ifitrekindledwewouldhavenochoicebuttoabandontheplane.Ilookedbehindmetotheescapedoorinthetail.AnumberoftimesIhadstoodatthatdoor,readytogo,buthadneverhadtojump.MybodytensedasIconsideredmychancesofexitingthehatchsafelyifthefirereignited.Asthetensionthickened,allofuswatchedfornewsignsofsmokeorflame.Realizingthatthefirewastrulyoutthepilotturnedtheplaneandweheadedforthebase.LaterIfiguredoutthatIhadearnedandextradollarfiftyforthattenminutesofhell.TheshowerwashedovermeandIhopeditwould,somehow,healtheshatteredemotionsoftodaystrauma.WeretheemergenciesbecomingmoresevereorwasIlosingmynerve?Theverythoughtofflyinganothertesthopfilledmewithdread.Flyinghadbeenfun,Irecalled,untilwhen?ShortlyafterfailingareviewboardandloosingmyTechniciansrating.Thedepressionthat


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followedseemedtochangeeverything.Ishouldhavequitflyingatthattimebutwesimplyneededthemoneytoomuch.Theshowermixedwiththetearsthatstreameddownmyface.

Whatwashappeningtome?LatelyThetearswouldflowfornoapparentreason.Notasingletearbutafloodoftears.AlwayswhenIwasalone.ThankGodforthatbut,Why?IhadneverbeenmuchofacrierandnowIfeltuneasyandalittleashamed.InadditiontoeverythingelseIdidn'tneedthis!Imovedthesoapywashclothtomychest.Nothing!Icouldn'tapplypressure!Icouldraiseitupbutcouldnotapplytheslightestbitofpressuretomychest.Whatwashappeningtome?ThenextdayIwentonsickcall.TheFlightSurgeongavemesometranquilizersandtoldmenottoflyforacoupleofweeksbuthedidn'ttakemeoffflightstatus,soIcontinuedtogetmypreciousfifty-fivedollars.

ThetranquilizersprovedworthlessandinthenextfewweeksIexperienceddoublevision,weaklegs,weakarms,droopyeyelids,difficultyinbreathing,troublechewing,troublebrushingmyteeth,anddifficultycombingmyhairbutthedoctordidn'tknowwhatwaswrong.Thedreadofflyingwasgonenow,butithadbeenreplacedbynewandmoreterrifyingfears.IcouldnotcommandmybodytodoasIwished.ItjustwouldnotworkasIaskeditto!Finally,outofpuredesperationandfrustrationattheinabilityofthedoctorstodiagnosetheproblem,IpushedmyselfashardasIcouldtointensifythesymptoms,andwhentheywereallattheirpeakIstruggledintotheFlightSurgeonsoffice,pasttheothermenwaiting,andsaid,"Here!Lookatme!"MyspeechwasslurredandIcouldbarelykeepmyeyesopen.My

breathingwasshallowandmylegswererubber.Alookofrecognitioncameoverthedoctor'sfaceandhedisappearedforafewminutes,returningwithamedicalbook."Hereitis,"Hesaid."IbelieveyoumighthaveMyastheniaGravis."


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CHAPTERIICHAPTERIICHAPTERIICHAPTERII

YOUREYOUREYOUREYOUREONYOUROWNONYOUROWNONYOUROWNONYOUROWN

Myreliefathavinganameforwhatwashappeningtomewasindescribable.Therewasareasonformyweaknessandmyrecentfailuresandithadaname.MyastheniaGravis?HowdidIcatchthisdisease?Whatexactlyisit?Nobodyseemedtoknowmuchaboutit.MydoctortoldmetheyhadamedicationthatwouldcontrolMGandthatIwouldbeabletoleadaperfectlynormallife.Thisgoodnewsheldupforabouttwodaysoftakingthemedication,butthesideeffectsweresoseverethatIwonderedwhichwasmoredisabling,thediseaseorthecure.

Thefollowingmonthswerefilledwithdoctors,hospitals,tests,medicinethatdidn'twork,moretests,moredoctors,medicinethatworkedandthendidn'tandthen,finallytheverdictthatIwas"stabilized."AtleastIcouldfunctionalittlebetter.Wordslike"Incurable,""Rare"and"Crisis"becameveryimportantandpersonaltome,anditwassoonclearthattheamountofrealknowledgeaboutthisdiseasewasminuscule.Sothatwassomethingnewtoworryabout.ThereliefofhavingidentifieditslowlyerodedasIcametorealize,moreandmore,thatIwasonmyown.Therewouldbenomagiccure.Nodoctorwasgoingtosolvemyproblem.Thisfeelingresultedinasenseofisolationthatwaswithmeforyears.Itriedbutcouldn'tshakeit.

Ifeltverymuchalone.True,Iwasalonewithalovingandsupportivewifeandfivegreatkids,butinthisoneareaIfeltaneedtocommunicate,butcouldn't.ItriedfromtimetotimebutwasalwaysmisunderstooduntilIfeltitbesttokeepittomyself.Thefaultwasnottheirs,Iknew.Itwasmine.WhatexactlywasItryingtosay?WhydidIhurtsomuchinside?Whywouldn'ttheeventsatJamesConnallyAirForceBasenearWacoTexas,leavemealone,getoutofmymind?TheTears!Alwaysthetearsandwhywasitimpossibletoexpressanyofthis?Therewasnoshortageofquestionsbutveryfewanswers.MedicallyretiredfromtheAirForce,wereturnedtoourhometown,SanDiego.TheVAawardedmea100%disabilityratingandassignedmetoaDr.Brownwhowasinchargeofthepsychiatricdept.NormallyMGwouldfallunderneurologybutSanDiego'sVAdidn'thaveaneurologist.SinceIstillneededsomeonetowritemyprescriptions,Dr.Brownwasmyman.ComparedtotheAirForceHospitalwhereIhadbeenpokedineveryplacethatit'sfeasibletopokeapersonandstuckineveryotherplacetheVAwasaveryfriendlyplace.NoonewantedtestsbecausetheyadmittedthattheyknewverylittleaboutMGandapparentlyweren'ttheleastbitinterested.Thatwasfinewithme.


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Dr.Brownlookedupthemedicationandwrotemyprescriptions.HewouldaskifIwantedtotrysomethingandwouldgetitformeifIdid.Heknewenoughaboutthemedicinetokeepmeoutoftroubleand,atthesametime,gavemethefeelingthatIhadsomecontrol.Thisseemedveryimportant.Wealwaystalkedwhenwemetand,althoughIwantedto,InevermanagedtotalkaboutJamesConnallyorthepainandtears.

Buildawall--Chinkthecracks--andgetonwithyourlife!Duringoneofourtalks,Dr.BrownmentionedthathehadreadaboutapsychiatristwhohadachievedsomesuccesswithnineortenMGpatients.Unfortunatelythedoctorhaddiedwithoutwritingabouthistreatment.AGoodNews-BadNewsjoke!Aninterestingpieceofinformationbutitjustraisedmorequestions.HowcouldaPsychiatristhelpsomeonewithMG?Wasn'tthisaphysicaldisability?Thenervecan'ttransmitthesignaltothemuscle.That'sphysical.Wellthenbacktothefirstquestion.HowcouldapsychiatristhelpsomeonewithMG?DuringanotherofourtalksDr.BrownmentionedanarticlethatsaidthatallMGpatients

seemedtohaveverysimilarpersonalities.Ifthisweretrueitwouldseemfeasiblethatapsychiatristcouldplayaroleinthispuzzle.DidonespersonalityhavesomethingtodowithwhytheygotMG?Interesting.Ifiledallthisawayalongwiththenewquestions.AtthistimeIhadnohopeofevermakingprogresstowardrealunderstanding.


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CHAPTERIIICHAPTERIIICHAPTERIIICHAPTERIII

PAINTAPICTURE&DIEPAINTAPICTURE&DIEPAINTAPICTURE&DIEPAINTAPICTURE&DIE

Theyearwas1961andIhadbeenoutoftheAirForcefortwoyears.Mydisability,MyastheniaGravis,nowaffectedmylegs,arms,eyes,breathing,swallowing,speechandfacialexpression.WhenIsayaffectedImeantheseareashadvaryingdegreesofweaknessatdifferenttimesuptoandincludingtotalshutdown.Withoutthemedicine,Mestinon,alloftheabovemuscleswouldceasetofunctionandIwouldendupinthehospital.Thisiscalled"goingintocrisis"andissomethingthatoccupiedmymindquiteabitlately.CrisisissomethingthatI,verymuch,wantedtoavoid.TheMestinondosethathadstartedwithone60mgpilleverythreehourshadslowly,throughnecessity,beenraisedtosix60mgpillseverythreehours.Inaddition,two180mgTimeSpan

capsuleshadbeenaddedtogetmethroughthenight.ATimeSpanisaslowreleasecapsulethatlaststwelvehours.WithoutthisTimeSpanIhad,onanumberofoccasions,stoppedbreathinginmysleep.Thishadalwaysresultedinmywakingwithagiantgasp.Theconfidenceofthatalwayshappeningwaswearingthin.ContinuingtoraisethelevelofMedication,asitbecamelesseffective,wasfinebutIknewthetimewouldsooncomewhereIcouldnottoleratetheincreaseddose.Thisworriedmealot.Iwouldendupinthehospitalon"Godknowswhat"kindofmachineuntilthemestinonbecameeffectiveagain.Mylifewasinaveryprecariousstate.IbelieveHowardCosselloncesaid"Perchedontheprecipiceofperil."ThatcertainlydescribedCleteGressin1961.JoanandIhadmanagedtobuyasmallhouseinthetownofEscondido,California.Iwasunabletoworkbut,stillneedingsomethingtodo,IsignedupforanArtClassinoilpainting.Onthefirstday,aftergettingourmaterialsandtoolstogether,apottedplantwaspositionedinthecenteroftheroomandweweretoldtopaintit.HavingneverpaintedbeforeIwassurprisedatthechallenge.Ilikedtheatmosphereandthepeopleandfeltgoodaboutthisnewdirection.Attheendofclasstheteachertoldustotakeourworkhomeandfinishitbeforeournextclass.Fine!Icoulddothat.GoodPlan.

ThateveningJoanwenttobedshortlyaftergettingthekidsdownandIfoundmyselfwithpeaceandquietandthekitchentabletocontinuemypainting.Itwas9o'clockand,Iwasstillpumpedupfromtheafternoonsclass.Totallyimmersedinmywork,Ipaintedonwithoutregardtotimeorthewholeuniverse.Thisfeelingofexcitementandenthusiasmhadbeenabsentfrommylifeforseveralyearsanditfeltrealgoodtohaveitback.


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There-----itsfinished,Ithought,asIlookedattheclockforthefirsttime.6AM--LORD!Ishouldgetsomesleepbutcouldn'tresistsittingandadmiringwhatIhaddone.Marvelous,Grand------ItiswonderfulandIamwonderfulandAllisrightwiththeworld!!!!!Andthenathought----MEDICINE!

Ihadn'ttakenanysince--------when?8o'clockyesterdayevening.OhGodtenhours!WithinsecondsMyastheniaGravisrushedatmefromeverydirection.WeakLEGS,ARMS,DOUBLEVISION!"Ihavetogetmypills,"Ithought.Panicsweptovermelikeablanketofink!Swallow,Icommanded,OhGodswallow!Butmythroatwouldnotobey.

Underyourtongue--fool--putitunderyourtongue--Geezittastesbad.SlowlyIfeltIcouldswallowandIputfivepillsinmymouth,somewater,andwithasilent"Goddon'tletmeaspirate,"feltthemslidedownmythroat.Ilayonthecouch,breathingwithmystomachmusclesuntiltheMestinontookhold.Scared?Youbet.Probablymorescaredthaneverinmylife!Exhausted,Iwenttobed.

IhadnotDied.

Notthistime.

Ihadwon.

Barely.

Iwenttosleep.


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CHAPTERIVCHAPTERIVCHAPTERIVCHAPTERIV

INSEARCHOFCONTROL

Inthefollowingweeksmythoughtsweretotallydominatedbytheeventsofthatnight.FromthetimeIawokeuntilIwenttobed,Iwouldlieawakehalfthenight,couldthinkofnothingelse.Everythingthathadhappened,Iknew,wasveryimportant.Itraisedmorequestions.HowhadIworkedsolongwithoutmedicine?Whywasthisdaydifferentthananyother?ButmoreexcitingwasthehintthatIcouldpossiblyfindsomeanswers.HadIbeenremindedofmypillsbecauseIhadfeltweak?No,IwasfeelinggreatuntilafterIrealizedIhadnottakenmedicineintenhours.Itwasfearthathadtriggeredthatcrisis.Thiswasnoordinaryfear.Thisfearcouldkillme!

Buthowdidthisdayhappenanyway?Theartclasswasfun,yes,evenexciting.Wasthatit?Excitement?Ihadneverfeltsuchenthusiasm!Therealizationslowlycame.TheexcitementhadproducedAdrenalineandhadraisedmeuptoalevelwheretherewasnoMG.Myenthusiasmhadkeptmesuspendedthereuntilfear,anxiety,apprehensionslammedmetotheground.Enthusiasm,Excitement,Adrenaline!Fear,Anxiety,Apprehension!Theywereopposingforces.Onewasmyenemyandtheothermyfriend!Iconcentratedonanxietyforawhile.Iwasfascinatedbythepowerithadexertedovermeandwantedtounderstand.Convincedthattheanxietyhadcomefirstandhadmagnifiedthe

weakness,IcameupwiththisviewofitsrollinanMGcrisis.

Anxietycausedweaknessorweaknesscausesanxiety

Whichleadstomoreweaknesscausing

Anxietyandthenweakness

EndinginCrisis


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Inotherwordstherecouldbe,inthebeginning,anxietythatproducedweaknessorweaknessthatproducedanxietybutoncethechainstartedtheyfueledoneanother.Greateranxietyproducinggreaterweaknesswhichinturnproducedgreateranxietyetc.etc.Thisviewisdecidedlydifferentfromtheviewthatanxietyismerelyasideeffectofthediseaseasalldiseasewillproducemoreorlessanxiety.Thisanxietywasplayinganactiverollonthepath

toCRISIS!Theotherviewofacrisiswasfrighteningindeed.Theimmunesystem,actingentirelyonitsown,wouldbeginattackingthebody,drivingitfurtherandfurtherintoastateofweakness,untilfinallythepatientwouldstopbreathingandcollapse.ThatswhatwouldhavehappenedthenightofthepaintingepisodehadInotbeenabletotakemymedicine.Butdidithavetobethatway?IfthenewviewoftheroleofanxietywascorrectIcouldhavesimplylaiddownandrelaxedandridmyselfofanxietywhichwouldhavestoppedthedownwardspiral.Iusetheword"simply"butIbelieveitisobviousthatcontrollinganxietyisnotsimple.Still,thishadtobeausefultool.

Byunderstandingthisview,andbeingconvincedofitsvalidity,Ireceivedanunexpectedbonus.Inthefollowingmonthstheweaknessnolongerseemedtogeneratethefearasithaddonebefore.NolongerafraidofcrisesIbegantorelaxaboutmycondition.IhadeffectivelyneutralizedthenegativesideofMG.Anxietywasstillapartofmylifebutwhenitdidoccur,suchasinaroomfullofstrangersorpeoplethatIwasn'tateasewiththeresultingMGwouldbeminimal.Further,theMG,havingproducednoanxietyofitsown,wouldstopthere.

Amajorvictory!Amajorvictory!Amajorvictory!Amajorvictory!IrealizedInolongerhadtofearthediseasebutthiswasnotenough.Oncehavingtasted

victoryIwantedmore.Iwantedtoimprovemycondition,workmywaytoremission,ifpossible,andthekeyhadtobeonthepositiveside.ThepaintingepisodehadstronglysuggestedthatEnthusiasm--Excitement--Adrenalinewoulddothejob.Ihadalwaysspenttimedrinkingcoffeeandthinkinginthemorning.Averygoodtimetothink!Theseperiods,then,wereperfectandIdon'tknowifImadeadecisionorjustfellintoitbutslowlytheybecameperiodsofmeditationwiththegoalofproducinganticipation.Anticipationofthecomingdaysevents.EachjobthatIwantedorhadtodowouldbeputthroughthewringeruntilsomethingwasfoundthatwouldexciteme,somethingtolookforwardto.Somethinglikepainting.

Somethingasmundaneastakingoutthetrashposedaspecialkindofproblem.(Itsreally,reallyhardtogetexcitedabouttakingoutthetrash.)ThistypeofjobIsimplysidestepped.Forinstance,Ihadplantedsomeflowersnearthetrashcan---Iwonderiftheyaredoingwell,evenblooming?Theanticipationoffindingoutwouldcarrymethroughthejobanditwasdone.AsachildIhadbeentheworld'sgreatestday-dreamerandinmyfantasiesIalwayswonthebattle,alwayscameoutontop,alwayswasthehero.Itriedusingthisasatoolwiththehope


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ofproducingexcitementanddiscoveredsomething.Thefantasyblockedoutallanxiety,allworry.Isthisthereasonchildrenday-dream?Toblockoutaworldthathasalotofbumpsorroughspots.Couldbe.IhadbeensobusytryingtoproducethepositiveexperiencethatIhad

neglectedthenegative.Ibeganthinkingofdifferentadventuresandplacedmyselfinthemasthemaincharacter.SoonIhadthreeorfourfantasiesrunningatthesametimeandIwouldflitinandoutasIpleased.WhenItiredofthemIconcentratedonthetasksaheadandfounditeasierandeasiertoproducethedesiredanticipationorexcitement.This,then,wasmydailyroutine.Havetwoorthreecupsofcoffee.Relax.Day-dreamalittleandmeditateonthedayaheaduntilexcitementwasgenerated.IdidnothingthatIwasn'tenthusedaboutdoing.Jobsthatgeneratednoexcitementhadtobeputoffuntiltheydid.IfIwasinthemiddleofsomethingandIlostinterestIswitchedtosomethingelse.AlotofthingswerehalfdonebutIusuallymanagedtocompletethematanothertime.

Soonworkbecameeasier.MoreandmoremydayswerefreeofMyastheniaGravis.Iwaspleasedwiththeprogress.IwasstilltakingMestinoneverythreehoursbutitwasworkingbetter.Monthswentby.Ibegantoexperiencesignsofoverdose.Mouthwateringstomach--cramps--diarrhea--chestpains.Iloweredthedosefromsixtofiveeverythreehours.NomoreoverdosesymptomsandIdidjustaswellonthenewdosage.ThiswasthefirsttimethatIhadeverbeenabletoreducemymedicine.Always,inthepast,ithadtobeincreased.

AmonthortwolaterIlowereditagaintofourandthentothree.Aftergettingdowntothreepillseverythreehourssomethingbegantohappen.MGweaknesswasshowingupmoreoftenanditwasgettingmoresevere.IincreasedtheMestinonbacktofourandthentofive.Acloudofdepressionsetin.Whatwashappening?Allofmyvictoriesweremeltingaway.Haditallbeenonebigcoincidence?Whatacrueljokethatwouldbe.Maybeallthatmeditationwassomuchhooie!Thediseasehadjustgottenbetteronit'sownandnowitwasgettingworseonit'sown.God,Icouldn'tacceptthat!

CountlesshourswerespentgoingovereveryscrapofinformationIhad,inanefforttofindtheflaw.EverythinghasanexplanationandIwouldfindthisone.Slowlytherealizationthat,atsomepoint,Ihadincreasedmyworkdaytosixandsevenhours.ThelasttwoorthreehoursofthisperiodwouldbefilledwithMG.ApparentlyworkingintothatareathatproducedMGwipedoutanylongtermbenefitandactuallyreversedmyprogress.IwouldhavetocutbackonthehoursIwasphysicallyactive,buthow?Myenthusiasmwasstillhighafterfivehours.Thesolutionwasnotlongincoming.IhadnoticedthatifIhadacan


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ofbeeroraglassofwinethatmyenthusiasmdiminished.This,then,wastheanswerIsettledon.MeditateanddomyworkbutafterfourorfivehoursoratthesmallesthintofMGhavesomethingtodrinkandrelax.Myworkdaywasover.Thealcoholeffectivelymellowedmeout,killingmydriveanditalsohelpedtoblockanxiety.

LookingbackI'mnotsureifthiswasthebestpossiblesolutionbutforamanwhowasstumblingandgropingforanswersitwouldhavetodo.Itworkedandinthosedaysanythingthatworked,Idid!SincefirstwritingthisIhave,onceagain,developedtheneedtousealcoholinthismanner,forthispurpose.ThistimeIresistedasIhadstoppeddrinkingaltogetheranddidn'treallywanttostartagain.UnfortunatelyIcouldnotfindasatisfactorysubstitute.SofarI'vesucceededinlimitingthedrinkstotwoandthishasworkedtoshutdownexcessivebrainactivityintheevening.AtanyrateIhadtomodifymythinkingalittle.Ihadthoughtthatallworkinthepresenceofadrenalinewasbeneficialandwouldmovemetowardremission.Nowitwas:Allwork,inthe:Allwork,inthe:Allwork,inthe:Allwork,inthe

presenceofEnthusiasmpresenceofEnthusiasmpresenceofEnthusiasmpresenceofEnthusiasm--------Adrenalineisbeneficial,pAdrenalineisbeneficial,pAdrenalineisbeneficial,pAdrenalineisbeneficial,providedyoustopworkingshortofrovidedyoustopworkingshortofrovidedyoustopworkingshortofrovidedyoustopworkingshortofexperiencingphysicalstresswiththeresultingMGweakness.experiencingphysicalstresswiththeresultingMGweakness.experiencingphysicalstresswiththeresultingMGweakness.experiencingphysicalstresswiththeresultingMGweakness.InthemonthsthatfollowedIonceagainexperiencedoverdoseandreducedmymedicine.Firsttofourandthenbacktothree.Ihadregainedagooddealofcontrolandnolongerfelthelpless.IapproachedtheVAforschoolingand,aftertesting,wassooninafulltimeartschool.Ireallyhadnochoicefor,bythistime,IwasasdependentonartasIwasonmypills.Artstillwasthemajorsourceofexcitementinmylife.


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CHAPTERVCHAPTERVCHAPTERVCHAPTERV

STEVE

In1964ouroldestson,Steve,camedownwithMyastheniaGravis.Stevewasnineyearsold.Wastheconditionhereditary?No.Iwastold,wewerethefirstfather-soncombinationtoevergetMG.Thishonorofbeingthefirstfather-sontohavethisdiseasefailedtothrillme.IfirstnoticedtheoddexpressiononStevesfaceandafewdayslater,whenhebeganwalkingbydragginghistoes,IknewwhatIwouldhavegivenmylifenottoknow.OurfearswereconfirmedatCampPendeltonwithaTinsalonTest.Stevewentinto"Crisis"andasaresultspentthenextsixyearsonarespiratorandgastrictube.NothingthatIhadlearned,todate,helpedusimprovehiscondition.Atonepoint,usingExcitement,wedidmanagetogethimwalking.Afterseveralweeksof

slowlyincreasingthedistanceeachday,hewastakingthirtyorfortysteps.ThendisasterstruckintheformofPneumonia!Steve,onceagain,wasflatonhisbackandthetimespentfightingthePneumonialefthisbodyevenmorewastedthanwhenwebegan.Itisdifficulttocontrolone'sownemotionsandIfounditimpossibletocontrolorinfluenceSteve's.EmotionsweretheonlytoolsIhadtoworkwithatthistime.I'vegivenStevealotofthoughtoverthepasttwentyfiveyearsandI'mleftwithmorequestionsthananswers.Togointodetailherewouldonlymuddythewatersofmyownstory.OnepointthatmightbeworthmentioningistheideathattheremightbemorethanoneTYPE

ofMG.BothtypesbeingMyastheniaGravis,butarrivedatfromdifferentdirectionsorbydifferentmeans.WhenStevedied,in1970,wewerealldevastated.Loosingthisbattlewas,Ithink,inevitable.JoanandIhadtaken12hourshiftsforthepastsixyearsandwewerebothtiredbeyonddescription.Steve'syoungerbrothersandsistersalsohelpedwhentheycouldhavebeenplayinglikeotherkids,andthiswentalongwayinmakingourjobbearable.ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIacceptedfailure.Therejustwasnothingthatwecouldhavedone.Welackedtheknowledgejustasthedoctorslackedtheknowledge.ItwasnotmyfailureorJoan'sfailureorthedoctorsfailure.Itwasafailureofcircumstancesandafailureofknowledge.

WiththeburdenofSteve'scaregonemyconditionimproved.SoonInolongerneededMestinonona"everythreehour"basis.Istilluseditonoccasionbutnevermorethanoneortwopillsaday.ThiswasalongwayfromthethirtysixpluspillsadayIwastakingin1962.IowedSteveadebtashiscarehadforcedmetoworkharderthanIwouldhaveandtheendofthosesixyearsfoundmeinprettygoodshape.PhysicalconditioningfortheMGpersonisvitalandhehadgivenmethatgift.


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Inthedarkaftermathofburyingoursonandbrotherthefamilydidwhatitdidbest.Wewentcamping.Ipaintedapicture,whichhangsonourlivingroomwall,andIcomposedaversetosendtoourfriendsandrelatives.

OUR SON DIED!

We bought a grave.We went to church.

Then people came that

Steve had touched.

WE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF GOD.

Mostofourfriendsandrelativesunderstoodourfeelingsbut,Iguess,weleftafewpeopleconfusedandworriedaboutourmentalhealth.Theyneedn'thaveworried.TodayIdon' tthinkofSteveasbeingdeadashelivesineachmemberofhisfamily.He'sinme

andJoanandinDave,Phil,LindaandBrenda.Wegavehim ourtimeandwecaredforhimwhenhewassick.Silently,secretly,hegaveusafinergift.Onethatweweren'tawareofatthetime.Steve'scareforcedusoutofourselvesinto am ore generousworld. A worldwherewe couldseebeyondour own self interests. Amorepreciousgifthasneverbeengiven.WecouldnotsaveSteve'slifebuthemayverywellhavesavedours.

ThanksSteve.ThanksSteve.ThanksSteve.ThanksSteve.


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CHAPTERVICHAPTERVICHAPTERVICHAPTERVI

ACORNMUSHThebenefitsofSolitude.

Throughtheyearsfromabout1964,Ihavegonecampingbymyself.IdiscoveredthatwhenMyastheniaGravisstartedtobecomeaproblemandthingsbecameconfusedinthewayIwasmanagingthecondition,afourorfivedaytripwouldironoutthewrinkles.IthinkmostMGpeoplewillagreethatsocialpressureshaveadirectandusuallyanegativeeffectresultinginMGweakness.CampingbymyselfeliminatedthesepressuresandifIdidn'timposepressuresofmyown,IcouldhavefivedaysoftotalfreedomfromMG.Thesecondpart,ofnotcreatingmyownpressures,doesn'tjusthappenandneedssomepracticebutitcanbeachieved.Imadenoplans.NoguidelinesortimetablethatIwouldhavetoworryaboutortrytoadhereto.Everythingwassimplified.Thesupermarketprovidedalotoffreshvegetables,cheese,summersausage,driedfruitandcoffee.AspecialstopatMamaLina'sforsixsmallloavesofbreadwiththatdelicioushardcrustandIwasonmyway.Ialwaysforgotsomething,butveggiespackedinclayandthrownintotheembers,areeverybitasgoodasveggiesbakedinfoil.Withintwentyfourhoursallconfusion,anxiety,cobwebsorwhatever,dissolvedlikethemorningmist.Whathappenstothemindandbodyoverthenextfourorfivedaysissowonderful,sostartling,thatIwouldlikeeveryhumanonthefaceoftheearthtoexperienceit.Ishouldemphasizethatthisisfivedaysofzerocontactwithotherpeople.IfImetsomeonebyaccidentIsimplywavedbutdidnotspeak.Thehealingprocessofmindandemotionsundertheseconditionsisswiftandsure.

Ididmanythingsonthesetrips.SometimesIdreworpainted.AtothertimesIjusthikedandexploredmysurroundings.IdidthingsthatreinforcedthefantasiesthatIusedinthemornings.Once,whilehiking,Idiscoveredasmallspringinaplacewherenohumanhadsetfootinajillianyears.Inamedit"ChetusuSprings"anditbecamemine.(Thename"Chetusu"isanotherstory).IcouldreturntoChetusuSpringsanytimeIwished,inmymind,whilehavingmorningcoffee.OnetimeIspentthefirstdaygatheringacorns,splittingthemandspreadingtheminthesun.WhentheyweredryIusedanativegrindingholeinanearbyrocktoreducethemtopowder.Afterwinnowingthemeal,toeliminateanychunks,Imadeasandfilterinthestreambelowmy

campsite.EighthoursofleachingthebitternessfrommyacornflourandIhopedIwouldhavemysupper.IhadintentionallyrefrainedfromeatingalldayinordertomorefullyappreciatetheexperienceofsurvivingonwhatGodhadstrewnallovertheforestfloor.ItwaseightintheeveningwhenIwasreadytocookmydayswork.Iwashungry.Ididuseoneofmymetalpansbutdidn'tputthepaninthefire.Justasthenativeshaddonewiththeirclaypots,Iheatedsmallstonesanddroppedthemintotheflourandwater,stirringwithastick.


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Themixturethickenedintoacreamcoloredmush.Iplungedtwofingersintothepotand,puttingtheminmymouth,Iatemuchthesamewaythatthenativeshaddone.Themushhadlittleornoflavorandjustahintofbitterness.Theleachinghadnotremoved100%ofthetanninbutitwasenjoyableconsideringtheextentofmyhungerafteratwentyfour

hourfast.Iresistedthetemptationtocapoffthisfeastwithahunkofsummersausageandsomebread.Iwantedthemealofacornmushtostandonitsownandremainfixedinmymemoryforever.Ithas.Howverydifferentthisdaywasfromourcivilizeddaysinthecitywithourcarsandjobs.Iwastiredbutemotionallyrefreshed.Everything,atmycampsite,hadbeenreducedtoaverysimple,easilyunderstood,equation.NothingexistedexceptMe,mycampandGod.Asyouwillsee,inthisbook,Ihaveavisualmind.EverythingthatIthinkoforlearnImustvisualizeinsomeway.ThatnightIsawourlivesinmathematicalequations.Inmymindseyemodernman'sdailylifelookedsomethinglikethis:

Ontheotherhand,atthismoment,mylifewasmorelike2+2=4.2+2=4.2+2=4.2+2=4.Noanxieties,nouncertainties,everything,easilyunderstood.2+2=4.Ithasoccurredtomethatthisexperience,unfortunately,mightbelimitedtothosefewwhohavetheskilltocampandarenotafraidtodosobythemselves.Thisobstaclecouldbeovercomeinanumberofways.Ahusbandandwifeorafatheranddaughter,brotherandsisteretc.,couldsetupcampswithineasyearshotandagreetonothavecontactforfivedaysunlessabsolutelynecessary.Agreeaheadoftimetoleavenoteswhenleavingetc.Idon'tknowifthiswouldbethesamebutcertainlyitwouldbebetterthannothing.Theuseofasmallhuttoreflect,meditate,andrestorethespirithas,Iunderstand,beenusedforcenturies.Thepersonlivesinthehutwithnooutsidecontact.Mealsareleftontheirdoorstep.Idon'tbelievethemeanstoachievethisgoalofsolitudeisimportant.Itsvalueistriedandtrue

and,althoughIdidstumbleuponthebenefit,asitrelatestoMG,byaccident,ithasbeenaroundforaslongaspeoplehavebecomestressed.EachtimeIwentcampingIcamebackwithnewwaystoenhancemyfantasies.Nowtheywerenotjustdaydreamsbutweresolidlyanchoredinrealityandmyexperiencescamping.Theynowhadthesameeffect,onasmallerscale,asthecampingtripsthemselves.Myfantasiesweremademoreeffectivethantheywerein1964.


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AnunexpectedvisitorItwasthemiddleofwinterand,asfarasIwasaware,IwastheonlyoneinthecampgroundatBlackCanyoninSouthernCalifornia.

Busywithapainting,Icaughtaglimpseofmovementcominginmydirection.Icontinuedwithmywork.AsitgrewnearerIrecognizedthestoopofanoldman,flannelshirt,baggypants,astockingcapandwellwornboots.Nopacksohehadn'tcomefarbutIwonderedwherehehadbeenhidingthesepastthreedays.Heneverhesitated,butwalkeddirectlyintomycampandsaid"DoyoumindifIrestonyourbench?"Ididn'tspeak,whichwasmyhabitwhencampingalone,butIsmiledand,withmypaintbrush,pointedtothepicnictable.Hesmiledbackandsatdown.Inthenexttwentyminutesnotawordwasspoken.Ipaintedandhewatchedandthen,rising,hewalkedtomycanvas,benttogetabetterlook,pointedhiswalkingstickatitand,turning,smiled.Heraisedhishandslightly,inagestureofgoodbye,walkedoutofmycampanddowntheroad.

Thatnight,sittingbeforemycampfire,Ireflectedonthedayandmylittleoldman.Iwonderedwhohewas.Oldmenareimmediatelysuspicious.Everynight,onTV,someoldmanhasdonesomething.Molestedsomeone.Drunks,bums,homelesspeople,itseemsthelisthasnoend.AsIwatchedtheflamesofmycampfireafeelingofpeacecameoverme.Iwasbeingafool.Thinkaboutthisoldman.Hadhebeenthreateninginanyway?Didhedoanythingtomakemethinkallthosethoughts?HehadaskafavorandIhadgranteditwithasmile.Hehadreturnedthekindnesswitha

gestureandasmileofhisown.Ihadgivenhimloveandhehadgivenmeloveinreturn.Cananythinginourlivesbemoresimpleormorebeautiful?WasIreadingmoreintothishappeningthanitdeserved?Thatnight,forthefirsttimeIunderstoodthatonesperceptionoflifeis,byfar,moreimportantthanlife'srealities.Isleptverywellthatnight.


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CHAPTERVIICHAPTERVIICHAPTERVIICHAPTERVII

ASEARCHFORANSWERS

In1978JoanandI,withoursonDave,tookatriptoEngland.Davehadbeenstationedthere,intheAirForce,andhadmadefriendswhoinvitedustostaywiththem.Thiswasamarvelousopportunityforus.EnglandiswhereJoanandIhadbegunourmarriedlifeandweenjoyedeveryminuteofourrevisit.OnourreturntoourhomeinsouthernCalifornia,IreceivedaletterfromamaninLondon,I'llcallhimDan,whohadMyastheniaGravis.Throughamutualfriendhehadheardaboutmyuseofmeditationandaskfordetails.Now,upuntilthistimeIhadgivenlittlethoughttowritinganythingdownmuchlesscommunicatingthethingsthathadbeenworkingforme.Dan'sletterforcedmetotryandIsoondiscoveredthatmyunderstandingofMGwasveryincomplete.MyfirstmistakewasnotsimplywritinghimwhatIhaddone.Thethingsthatworkedforme.Justgivehimthefacts.Lethimfigureoutwhy.Unfortunatelyitsjustnotinmetobesimple.JoansaysifyouaskmethetimeI'llbuildyouaclock.True!IsettledintofindthereasonsandmythoughtsledbacktoDr.Brown.FromthecontactsthatIhadmade,sofar,allMGpeopledidseemtohavesimilarpersonalitytraits.Theonethatstuckoutthefarthestwastheirdrive.Theydidn'tgiveup.Manyhadovercomehugeobstaclesintheirlives.Yes,theirpersonalitieswereverymuchalikebutwhatexactlywastheelementthatrelatedtoMG?Theconclusion?PriortotheonsetofMGtherehadalwaysbeenastrongpressuretoperform.Thispressuredidn'talwayscomefromoutsidei.e.parents,coaches,teachersetc.Manytimesitwasinternallybroughtonbylove,loyaltyorastrongsenseofduty.Theseareallgoodthingstohavebut,likeallgoodthings,Isensedthattheycouldturn

onuswithdisastrousresults.Whatwouldbethecircumstances?Depressionand/orAnxietyhadtoplayarole.IcameupwithatheoryandsentitofftoDan.Putsimply:Whatwouldhappenifthisguywitha"Neversaydie"personalitymetareallydevastatingemotionaltrauma?Theirresistibleforcemeetingtheimmovableobject?Somethingwouldhavetogive.

Danwasnotimpressed.ThousandsofpeopleeverydaymetthiscriteriawithoutgettingMG.Theyhadnervousbreakdownsorbecameillbutdidn'tgetMG.Infact,ifthiswasallittook,MGwouldbeverycommoninsteadofrare.Andwhy,Danasked,wouldheonlyhaveMGinhiseyesandotherpeoplehaditintheirlegs,arms,throatetc.DanwasintheprocessofearninghisMastersDegreeandIwasn'tgoingtoslipsomethingoveronhim.


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IknewDanwasrightandhisrejectiononlymademetryharder.Mytheorywasincomplete---Somethingwasmissing.TryingtogetinformationfromotherMGpeopleprovedimpossible.Thetimejustbeforethey

contractedtheconditionwasespeciallydifficultandmymindreturnedtotheideaofapsychiatrist.IftheirsecretswereburiedsodeepthatitrequiredanalysisIdidn'tstandachanceofuncoveringsomethingthatwouldbeofhelp.Theanswerhadtoliewithinmyownlife.EverycellinmybodyandmindresistedthinkingaboutJamesConnallyAirForceBase,butthat'stheplacewheretheanswerswere,andbackIknewImustgo.JusttryingtothinkofthisperiodinmylifewasveryhardbutIknewwhenIwasgettingclosetosomethingofimportance.Thetearswouldcome.Ihadlearnedthatthiswasasurefireindicatorofsomethingthatmymindwastryingtoprotectmefrom.

Ithadallstartedinthesummerof1957.IhadjustbeenassignedtoJamesConnallyAirForcebase.IwasaStaffSergeantandmyjobwasrepairingairborneradarsets.Mywife,Joan,ourtwosonsandmyselfhadrecentlyreturnedfromathreeyeartourinEngland.Noonehadpreparedusforthedifferencesinpayandlivingexpenses.Badjudgmentonmypartfounduswithanewcar,newfurniture,andmorebillsthanwecouldhandle.Theburdenofprovidingforourfamilywasbecomingheaviereachday.Ihadfouryearsin-gradeasaStaffSergeantandwasoverdueforapromotionsothathopewasthere.InthemeantimeIsignedupforflyingstatustoaddfifty-fivedollarstoourpaycheck.

SoonourthirdsonwasbornandayearlaterJoandeliveredtwingirlsandstillnopromotion.TheAirForcepickedthistimetohaveareviewboard.Theyaskmequestionsandattheend,decidedthat,basedontheopinionoftheirexpert,Inolongerwasqualifiedtoholdasevenlevelortechniciansrating.IneededthatsevenlevelratinginordertobeeligibleforpromotiontoTech.Sergeant.ADeathsentencewouldnothavebeenmoredevastatingunderthecircumstances.IsimplyamnotgoodenoughwithwordstocommunicatetheseverityofdepressionthatIfeltatthattime.Addthedepressiontotheanxietyofthetesthops,testhopsthatIwastrappedintoflyingbyourfinancialdilemma,andtheoutcomespelleddisaster.

Itwasnotthedepressionthatdidmein,ortheanxiety,itwastheoverblownsenseofdutyandapersonalitythatrefusedtoacceptdefeatthatfinallydidthejob.Iknew,atthispoint,inmycontinuinginvestigation,thatIhadtwoofthethingsthatledtoMGbutIdidn'treallyknowanythingmorethanwhenIfirstwroteDanwiththeimmovableobjectandtheirresistibleforceidea.AllIhadreallydonewasnailitdown,sotospeak.OnthesunnysideIwasnowfreetogoonandlookforathirdelement.AnelementthatIknewhadtobethereorMGwouldbeverycommon.


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It'samazinghowapersonbelievesthateverythingthattheydoisnormal.Findingafacetofoneslifethatisnotnormal,throughselfexamination,provedtobeverydifficult.AftermonthsofeffortIslowlycametothefollowingconclusions:Itseemsmy"DoorDie"personalitywasformedveryearlyasaresultofmysmallsizeandbirthorder.Beingthefourth

childoffiveIhadtotryhardertoachievethesameresultsasmybrothersandsisters.Examples:BetweentheageoffiveandabouttenIrecalltryingtokeepupwiththeneighborhoodgangofkidsallolderandbiggerthanmyself.ThisiswhenIrememberplayingbymyselfalotandindulginginfrequentdaydreaming.Ibelieve,now,thatthisbehaviorprovidedrelieffromallthat"keepingup"AttheageoftwelveIjoinedtheboyscouts.TheydidnotbelieveanyonethatsmallcouldpossiblybetwelveuntilIshowedthemmybirthcertificate.Iwentonmanyhikes,keepingupwiththetroop,andalwaysmadethetopofthemountain.It'strueIusuallybarfedwhenwe

arrivedbutImadeit.WhenIwastwentyIappliedforajobinaLumbermillinOregon.Theyneededsomeonetopulllumberonthe"GreenChain".Thiswasoneoftheharderjobsinthemillandtheownerlookedmeupanddownandproclaimed,"Sorry,yourjusttoosmalltodothejob."IhadbeentoldthatIwastoosmallallofmylifesohisstatementwasn'texactlybignewstome.Ilookedthemanintheeyeandsaid,"Youletmeworkfortwoweeksandifyoudon'tlikewhatyousee,thendon'tpayme."Well,hedidn'thaveawholelottolooseso,withabiggrin,hegavemethejob.Iknowhefullyexpectedmetofallflatonmyfacewithinafewdays,butIhadotherplansandcollectedmypaywhenthetwoweekswerethrough.WhenIlefttojointheAirForcethissamemantoldmethatIhadajobwithhimanytimeIwantedit.Greatreinforcementforanattitude

thatsaid,"IcandoanythinganyoneelsecandoandIcandoitbetter."Theredidn'tseemtobealimittowhatIcouldachieve,ifItried,andIconsideredthisapreciousasset.FurtherreviewofmyliferevealednumerousoccasionswhenIexperiencedwhatisusuallyreferredtoas"SuperStrength".WasthisabilitytopushmyselfbeyondnormallimitsapreconditiontotheonsetofMyastheniaGravis?Ithoughtso,andwithexcitement,wroteitalltoDan.

DanrejectedtheSuperStrengthideaandInevergotthechancetoarguethepointashemoved,leavingnoforwardingaddress.Iwouldcertainlyhatetothinkmytheoryhadanythingtodowithhissuddendisappearance.AtanyrateIowehimathanksforgettingmestartedonthisbook.ItismybeliefthatDan'sreactionwasbasedonhisbeingascholarwithMGonlyinhiseyelids.Heavoidedphysicalworkandmusthavelaughedattheideaofhimselfandsuperstrength.Theideaisn'tsoridiculousifyoupicturethisscholarworkinglonghours,pastthetimewhenheshouldsleepandforcinghiseyestostayopenwhentheydemandedtoclose.Itisfeasiblethat


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hecoulddeveloporexperienceSuperStrengthinhiseyesonly.AsIsaid,DanwasgoneandInolongerhadasoundingboard.Iwouldhavetogoitalone.IcalledthetraitthatshowedupintheformofSuperStrengthandcamefroma"NeversayDie"personality,anEnhancedabilitytocommunicateMindtomuscle.

This,then,wasthethirdelement.TheonethatmadeMGsorare.WithoutthisabilityapersonwouldnotgetMG.Howmanypeoplepossessedit?Outofthisnumberhowmanywouldcomeupagainsttheothertwoelementsattherighttimeandwiththeneededintensity?Notmany,Ithink,sohereyouhadthemakingofararedisease!Pleasedwiththeprogress,Ifeltclosetobeingabletoformulateatheorybutstillneededtheanswertothequestion,How?Howdidthesethreethingswork?Iputtogetheranumberofpossibilitiesandtheyallfellapartinshortorder.Itwastimetorest.


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CHAPTERVIIICHAPTERVIIICHAPTERVIIICHAPTERVIII

WHYDIDN'THEFLY?

WithouttheneedtowritetoDantheprojectsortofpeteredout.SeveralyearswentbybeforemymindcamebacktoreviewwhatIhadwritten.

MEDITATIONMEDITATIONMEDITATIONMEDITATION----RELAXATIONRELAXATIONRELAXATIONRELAXATION----ADRENALINADRENALINADRENALINADRENALIN------------POSITIVEPOSITIVEPOSITIVEPOSITIVE

ANXIETYANXIETYANXIETYANXIETY----DEPRESSIONDEPRESSIONDEPRESSIONDEPRESSION----STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS------------------------------------NEGATIVENEGATIVENEGATIVENEGATIVETheenhancedabilitytocommunicatemindtomuscleideawasstillimportant.Meditationandfantasyworkedandhadputmeinprettygoodshape.ThesethingsworkedwithoutfailbutIdidn'tknowwhy.Itwouldbenicetoknowwhy.

Thekeyhadtobeinmyabilitytosendtoomanysignalsfrommybrain.Theenhancedabilitytocommunicate.ThisabilityshouldbeagoodthingbutIwasconvinceditwasworkingagainstme.EachtimeItriedtoforceanactivityIbecameweakandfailed.Themostprogresswasmadebyrelaxing.That'sbackwards.Somethingisdefinitelybackwards.WherecouldIgofromhere?CouldI,indeed,goanywhere?Whatwasmynextmove?Iwasdoingwellbuttheholesinmyunderstandingwere,orseemedtobehuge.HowcouldIgetoffthisplateauandontothenextone.Therehadtobeahigherone.Itdidn'ttakeSherlockHolmestoarriveatthatconclusionbuthowcouldIgetthere?Thethoughtthatmedicalresearchers,allovertheworld,wereprobablyworkingonthesequestionswiththeirmillionsofdollarsinresearchgrantsanddozensofstraight"A"technicians,wasadepressingthought.

WhothehellwasI,anyway,tothinkthatIcouldhaveachancetounravelthisenoughtoreallyunderstand.Iwantedtogiveupbutmy"neversaydie"wasworkingovertime.PartoftheproblemwasSteve.HehaddiedandIwasstillaliveand,tryasImighttonotthinkintheseterms,thethoughtleftmefeelingguilty.IcouldgetridofthisfeelingifIcouldgainenoughunderstandingtohelpother"Steves".Ihadnothingtograbholdof.Notacluethatwouldstartmymindgoingintherightdirection."It'sfinetohaveananalyticalmind,"Ithought,"but,withnothingtoanalyzeIwasnowhere."Thiswholeprojectwasanegotrip!Vanity!Stupidity!Stopit,Clete,andgetonwithyourpainting!Apaintershouldpaintandresearchersshouldresearchandbrainsurgeonsshould

surgeandbarbersshouldbarb.Iwasfinallybacktoreality.Asmallbirdflewintoourwindowandlaymotionlessonthegrass.Itseyeswereopenanditblinkedbutitdidn'tmoveamuscle.Ipickeditupandplaceditonitsfeet.Itjuststoodthereandblinked,nevermovingforatleasttwohours.Why?Didn'titknowitwasindanger?AcatcouldhavewalkedupandeatenitandIdon'tthinkitwouldhavetriedtofly.Why?Acatwashitbyacaranddraggeditselfundertheneighborshouse.Itdidn'tmoveforfourdays.ItwasaliveasIcouldseeitseyes,butitdidn' tmove.Finallyitcameoutandlookedforfood.Itsinjurieswerehealed.Whatdidthismean?


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WerethebirdandcatstotalimmobilizationtheoppositeofSuperStrength?Ifthisweretrueitopenedawholenewavenuetoexplore.Thebirdandcatwerebothinjuredandapparentlytheirbodiesshutdowncompletelytogivethemachancetoheal.Aquestionofsurvival.Inthecarcrashthemanwasallowedtolifttwothousandpoundstosavehiswife.Alsoaquestionof

survival.Inbothcasesthelimitsweredifferent.Limits.Yes.Alimitingfactor.Ithadtobe.IreasonedthatAdrenalinewouldraiseitbutitsurelydidn'tlowerit.IfitwasconnectedtohealingitmustbeconnectedtotheImmuneSystem.PossiblytheImmuneSystemplayedarollinbothraisingandloweringit.FinallyIhadsomethingtovisualize.Aline.AlimitthatcouldbemovedupwithEnthusiasm--Excitement--AdrenalineandalimitthatcouldbeloweredwithAnxiety--Depression--Stress.Alimitthathadbeenloweredtoalmostthebottomwhenboththebirdandcatwereinjured.Survival!Survivalattheexpenseofsafety!

IdIdIdIdrewgraphs.rewgraphs.rewgraphs.rewgraphs.100%90%80% Carcrash70%60%50%40% normal30&20% headcold10%

0 Injuredbird andcatTheLimitingfactorwentupanddownandlimitedouractivityanditwasallregulatedbyourimmunesystem.Itkeptussafeandhelpedussurvive.IfitkeptussafethenwhydidIhaveMG?Whywasitnotworkingright?WhydidIhavetospendtwohourseachmorningmeditatingsothatIcoulddoevensimplejobs?Maybe----------andmythoughtswentbacktotheEnhancedAbilitytoCommunicate,maybe

nowIcouldfigureoutwhathappenedwhenthe"irresistibleforce"camefacetofacewiththe"immovableobject".WhatifIwerehurtandmyImmuneSystemloweredtheLimitingFactorinanattempttoprotectmeandwhatifIthenappliedsignalsfromthebraininaquantityandamplitudethatmysystemwasneverdesignedfor.Whatwouldhappen?CouldthesignalsbreakthroughtheLimitingFactor(LF)?Iftheydidwhatwouldhappen?WouldtheImmuneSystemperceivetheviolationoftheLFasanotherthreatandlowertheLFfurther?Ifallthishappenedwouldn'titbecallMyastheniaGravis?

LFLFLFLF

LLLL imitingFFFFactorhereafterreferredtoas

LFLFLFLF

Percentageofstrengthavailableatanygiventime.


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AtJamesConnallyAFBmyinjurywasemotional.IwasalreadystressedoutwhentheReviewBoardfailedme.Addthedepressionwiththestressandthentheanxietyfromthetesthops.Goodold"Neversaydie"didagoodjobhidingallthisfromtheworld,evenfrommyself,butIcouldn'thideitfrommyImmuneSystem.Itknewthatallthiswasathreattomysurvivalanditdidwhatitwasdesignedtodo.ItloweredmyLF.Whenthingsgotworseitlowereditagain

andthisshouldhaveslowedmedowntoalevelthatwouldprotectme.Itwouldhave,Ibelieve,ifIhadhadanormalabilitytosendsignalsfrommybraintomymuscles.Myenhancedabilityoverwhelmedthesafetysystemandthreatenedmyveryexistence.Allthisseemedtofitand,asIhadalwaysdone,whensomethingfitIwouldassumeitsvalidityuntilexperienceprovedotherwise.

Mydailyroutinelookedlikethisonagraph:

100%

90%

80%

70%

60%

50%

40%

30%

20%

10%

0%

Inthemorning,whentheLFisat20%,startingworkimmediatelywouldresultinMG.TheLFmustberaisedwhiletheamplitudeofsignalarestilllow.Onethingstillbotheredme.WhywastheLFsolowwhenIgotup?WhatwassuppressingtheLF?

Have drinkTo lower

Signals

from brain

Signals from brain violate

LF and if signals are notlowered will result in MG

weakness.

LF

Meditate, Fantasize,& generate

enthusiasm for 1 hourto raise LF before

starting day.

Percent of available strength as controlled by the LF. The flu

will lower LF and result in weakness and save energy tofacili tate healing. An Emergency will raise LF resulting in

Super Strength to increase chances of survival.

The blue lines represent the signals from the brain to

the muscles. Normally they cannot go above the LF.With an enhanced ability to communicate Mind to

Muscle the MG person can send signals above the

LF(pink). Lowering the signals (in this case withAlcohol) will prevent MG weakness enabling theperson to start the following day a little higher and

day by day get closer to remission.


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IbelievetheanswerliesinthehurtthatIfeltfrommyAirForceexperience.ThethingsthatIwantedtotalkaboutandcouldn't.ThepainwasallstillthereevenifIhadbuiltawalltokeepitoutofmylife.MyImm uneSystemknewitstillhurtevenifmymindhadforgotten.MyImmuneSystemwasstilltryingtoprotectme.

Inthepastthirtyyears,asI'vewrittenthisbook,therehavebeenperiodsofuncontrolledtears.EachtimeIapproachedthehiddenhurt,waterwouldfillmyeyesandflooddownmycheeks.Thefeelingofcalmandpeacethatfollowedtoldmethatthiswasagoodthing.Slowly,overtheyears,myLFhasbeenhigherwhenIgetupinthemorningmakingfantasyandmeditationlessessential.Ibelieve,verystrongly,thatwritingofmyexperienceshasservedasexcellenttherapy.Iwouldstronglyrecommendit.


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CHAPTERIXCHAPTERIXCHAPTERIXCHAPTERIX

THEROADTOMG

AtheoryofMindAtheoryofMindAtheoryofMindAtheoryofMind----MuscleMuscleMuscleMuscle

CommunicationasitrelatestoCommunicationasitrelatestoCommunicationasitrelatestoCommunicationasitrelatestoMyastheniaGravisMyastheniaGravisMyastheniaGravisMyastheniaGravis

Ourmusclesworkbycontractionduetoelectricalstimulation.Thebraincontrolsthissystemanditisveryselective.Whenelectricsignalsaregeneratedtheydon'tgotothewholebodybutaresenttooneormoreselectedsitesbythebrainscontrol.Inadditiontowheretheelectricimpulsesgo,thebraincontrolstheamountandamplitudeoftheimpulses.Bythiscomplexsystemwecanmovethetipofourlittlefingerandleavethehand,thearm,andtherestofthebodyverystill.Thisistheselectivepart.Theamountthatwemoveourmuscleiscontrolledbytheamplitudeofthesignalssenttoit.Wecanholdababybirdgentlyinonehandandpickupafiftypoundweightwiththeother,andwecandothisatthesametime.Theotherfactortobeconsideredisthesizeofourmuscles.Weallknowthatasmallpersoncannotliftasmuchasalargeperson.Ifa200lb.personpicksupa50lb.weightanda100lb.personpicksupthesameweight--whathashappened?Theybothpickuptheweightbutthelargepersondidn'thavetoexerthimselftothesamedegreeasthesmallperson.Inotherwords,inordertodothesameamountofworkthesmallpersonhadtosendmoreandgreatersignalstohismuscles.Ifviewedonanoscilloscopethesignalswouldlooklikethis:Ifviewedonanoscilloscopethesignalswouldlooklikethis:Ifviewedonanoscilloscopethesignalswouldlooklikethis:Ifviewedonanoscilloscopethesignalswouldlooklikethis:

125 lbs.

70%

60% 200 lbs.

50%

50 lbs.

40%

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50 lbs.

20%

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LargepersonSmallpersonLargepersonSmallpersonItappearsthatthesmallpersoncancompensateforhissizebygeneratingmoreandhighersignalsbutwhathappenswhentheybothtrytolift200lbs.?Thelargepersongeneratesgreaterimpulsesandsucceedswhilethesmallpersondoesnot.HehasreachedhisLIMIT.Hecannotliftmorethan,say,125lbs..ThisthenistheLIMITofhisStrength.

The blue lines represent signals from the brain to

the muscles. The higher the Column the strongerthe signal. Since the large person has more

muscles he can to send smaller (weaker) signals tomore muscles to achieve the same work. The small

person must send stronger signals to fewer musclesto achieve the same work.


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Itisobviousthatwearelimitedbythesizeofourmusclesandourabilitytogenerateelectricalimpulses.Thesmallpersonwouldconcluded,atthispointthat,"Itistoheavy,Icannotliftit."Thereisanotherfactortobeconsidered.Thereisevidencethatwearecapableofusingonlyafractionofourpotentialstrength.Thisconclusionwasreached,inpart,bythephenomena

knownasSuperStrength.Undercertainconditions,suchasacarcrash,peoplelikeyouandme,havebeenknowntoliftacaroffalovedone.Severalthousandpoundswhennormallytheywouldbelimitedtoseveralhundred.ThisshowsthatundernormaldaytodayactivitytheremustbeaLIMITINGFACTOR,ANLFthatsetsthemaximumthatwecanstimulateourmusclestowork.Why,ifwecanlift2000lbs.underextremeconditions,shouldwebelimitedtoonly200?IbelieveourLimitingFactoristhebody'swayofprotectingus.Withnolimitswewouldliterallytearourselvesapart.Wewouldstimulatethemusclesuntiltheywouldrip.Thedamagewouldthreatenourlives.ThisLimitingFactor(LF)isamatterofsafety.

ForthepurposeofvisualizingthesystemtheLFcanberepresentedonthegraphasanimaginaryline.70%

60%

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0%

Largeperson Smallperson

LF

Small person has

reached his limit

(LF) at 125lbs.

Large person has

reached his limit

(LF) at 200 lbs.

Both the Large

person and the

Small person

are using 40%

of their st rength

The normal person, sending normalsignals cannot go beyond (violate)

the LF. The LF, in this manner, iskeeping the person from harming

himself. The LF goes up and down

as safety, survival and need dictates.


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InadditiontothisgeneralloweringoftheLFthereisalocalloweringoftheLF.InthecaseofinfectionortraumaintherightarmtheLFisloweredatthatpointwithacorrespondingbutlesserloweringintheentirebody.TheelementthatlowerstheLFIcall:

ANXIETY-DEPRESSION-STRESSWehavenowestablishedaLIMITINGFACTOR(LF)andtheabilitytoraisetheLFbyExcitementExcitementExcitementExcitement----AnticipationAnticipationAnticipationAnticipation----AdrenalineAdrenalineAdrenalineAdrenalineandtheabilitytolowertheLFbyAnxietyAnxietyAnxietyAnxiety----DepressionDepressionDepressionDepression----Stress.Stress.Stress.Stress.ThelastculpritinthecastofcharactersleadingtoMGIcallPressuretoperform.Pressuretoperform.Pressuretoperform.Pressuretoperform.Thisisnecessarilyaverygeneraltermbecauseitdependsoneachperson'slife.Inonepersonitcouldbethepressuretosupportone'sfamily.Inayoungpersonitcouldbethedesiretopleaseparentsorteacher.Putsimplyitistheelementinaperson'slifethatputspressureonthatpersontoperformnomatterwhatobstacleisputinhisway.Whiletherearepressuresin

everyone'slifetoperformIrefer,here,toanoverdevelopedsenseofduty.Thekindthatsimplywillnotallowfailure.WiththislastpieceinplaceIcannowmakethefollowingstatement.AstrongPressuretoperform,inthepresenceofSevereAnxietyAstrongPressuretoperform,inthepresenceofSevereAnxietyAstrongPressuretoperform,inthepresenceofSevereAnxietyAstrongPressuretoperform,inthepresenceofSevereAnxiety----DepressionDepressionDepressionDepression----StresswillleadtoStresswillleadtoStresswillleadtoStresswillleadtoMYASTHENIAGRAVIS,providedthepersonMYASTHENIAGRAVIS,providedthepersonMYASTHENIAGRAVIS,providedthepersonMYASTHENIAGRAVIS,providedthepersonispredisposedbythedevelopmentofanispredisposedbythedevelopmentofanispredisposedbythedevelopmentofanispredisposedbythedevelopmentofanEnhancedabilityEnhancedabilityEnhancedabilityEnhancedabilitytocommunicatemindtomuscle.tocommunicatemindtomuscle.tocommunicatemindtomuscle.tocommunicatemindtomuscle.


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CHAPTERXCHAPTERXCHAPTERXCHAPTERX

SALLY

Sally,ayounggirlofsixteen,whoisahighachieverinschool,hastheleadingroleintheschoolplay.Thereisthenormalamountofanxietyandstressbutshehandlesthatperfectly.Aroundnoononthedayoftheperformanceherboyfriendbreaksupwithher.TheresultingDEPRESSIONandEMOTIONALSTRESSisdevastatingandSallyfindsithardtothinkmuchlessfunction.Shehasalwaysbeendependableandsheknowstheplaydependsheavilyonherperformance.Shewouldwouldwouldwouldnotletthemdown.SheCOULDCOULDCOULDCOULDnotletthemdown.Shewouldgoonandsucceedasshehadalwaysdone.Shewasagirlwithresolve.Shewasagirlwithguts.Shecoulddowhateversheputhermindto.

Sallytripsonthestairsleadingtothestage.Hertoesaredraggingandshehasastrangeexpressiononherface.Shehastroublefixinghereyesononespotandisvaguelyawarethatsomethingisnotrightbutthissimplystrengthensherresolvetopush-on.Thereistheeverpresentpressuretosucceed.Asherpathbecomesmoredifficultthispressuregrowsinawaythatisnotanchoredinreality.Sheisloosingherabilitytojudgeandrightnowthisplayhasbecomefarmoreimportantthanitdeserves.FiveminutesintothefirstactSally'slegswillnolongersupportherandshefallstothestage.Shecanbarelytalkandrealityhasslippedaway.Sheisrushedtothehospitalandtestedfordrugoverdose.Whathappensnextismostlyuptoluck.VeryfewdoctorswillbeabletodiagnoseMGfromtheconfusedandfragmentedaccountthatSallycangive.Sheisfrightenedandhasneverexperiencedanythinglikethis.Shehasfailedforthefirsttimeinherlife.Shestillhasthedetermination,however,anditisherdeterminationtoovercomethatwillLOCKherintoMYASTHENIAGRAVIS.OnthefollowingpageisagraphshowinghowSallygotintothismess.ItallhappenedtoSallyinasingledaybuttheeventsleadingtoMGcouldjustaseasilytakeplaceoverthecoarseofaweekoramonthorayear.


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100%

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IbelieveifitwerepossibletodiagnoseSallyimmediatelyafterherfirstMGexperienceandif

thecorrectcoarsewerefollowed,basedonanunderstandingoftheLFandherenhancedabilitytocommunicatemindtomuscle,itwouldbepossibletostabilizeorreversehercondition.ItseemslogicalbutIcannotprove,thatthelongerapersonfunctionsundertheconditioncalledMG,thelongeritmaytaketoachieveremissionorcontrol.Iftheoriginalcauseofthisattack,i.e.theboyfriend,wouldwalkintothehospitalandgiveSallyakissandtellherhelovesher,itwouldremovethedepressionthatispullingSally'sLFdown.ThenifthehospitalwithitsequipmentandDoctorsandNurseswouldinspireenoughconfidencetonegatetheanxietythatisgeneratedbythedisease,SallycouldprobablywalkoutofthehospitalwithnooneevenknowingshehadMyastheniaGravis.Itwouldbewrittenoffasacaseofnervesandstress.

Whatarethechancesofthishappening?Zerotononefortheboyfriendbutthere'salittlebetterchancethatthehospitalwillrelievetheanxietythat'scausedbytheMG.HowdidSallygetintothismessanyway?EarlierIsaidthatittakesthreethings,comingtogetherattherighttime,toproducetheconditioncalledMyastheniaGravis.SevereAnxietyAnxietyAnxietyAnxietyDepressionDepressionDepressionDepression--------StressStressStressStress,astrongPressuretoPerformPressuretoPerformPressuretoPerformPressuretoPerformtogetherwithanEnhancedAbilitytoEnhancedAbilitytoEnhancedAbilitytoEnhancedAbilitytoCommunicateMindtoMuscle.CommunicateMindtoMuscle.CommunicateMindtoMuscle.CommunicateMindtoMuscle.Sally'senhancedAbilitywasdevelopedatageninewhenshewashitbyacar.Themonthsofrecuperating,hoursandhoursofsuperhumaneffortintherapy,alwaysdeterminedtodowhattheysaidprobablycouldn'tbedoneledtothisability.It

LF

1. Sally wakes upin a good mood,feels strong and

looks forward totodays events. i.e.

Boyfriend Bill and

the Play.

2. With no advancewarning Bill breaks

off their relationship.

The Depression thatFollows causes theImmune Systems to

Lowers Sallys LF.

3. Sally forcesherself to finish school

but feels sluggish.Depression lowers LF

further.

4. The signals that violate the LF are totallyineffective and cause the Immune System to see

it as an attack. It counter-attacks by lowering theLF. At this point if Sally would back off and

relax, the LF would be free to rise. She would notgo into crisis. When faced with a challenge she

has never backed off but has always appliedmore pressure. This personality trait is essential

to the onset of MG. It must be reversed if

remission is to be achieved.

5. Because of thecontinued violation of the

LF, Sally is now in Crises.Sally must completely

RELAX. Stop violatingthe LF and allow it to rise.

Good Luck, Sally.

The blue lines represent the signals fromthe brain to the muscles. Normally they

cannot go above the LF. With anenhanced ability to communicate Mind

to Muscle the MG prone person can do

this (pink) resulting in MG weakness.


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alsoproducedamind-setthatsaid,"IcandoanythingIputmymindto."Theword"FAILURE"waseliminatedfromherthinking.Herintense"PressuretoPerform"wasmostlyselfgeneratedanditalsocamefromthesupportshehadreceivedduringherrecuperation.Hertiestoherfamilyhadbeengreatlystrengthened

andshewouldnotthinkofdisappointingthem.Onthesurfacethe"SevereAnxiety-Depression-Stress"doesn'tseemtoholdupbutSally'sleftarmhadneverfullyrecoveredandwasalittlemisshapen.ToSallythishadmeantthatshewasnotasattractiveastheothergirlsandwhenBillhadcomealongshewasoncloudNine!Theintensityofjoyathavingattractedaboyfriendwasmatchedonlybyherdepressionwhenshewasdumped.ThedepressionwasmorethanintenseenoughtolowerherLF.AtthismomentSallyislayinginahospitalbed,herinsideseatenupbythelossofBill.Itdoesn'tmatterhowgreatorseriousthecausesofthehurt.ItshowseriousitisperceivedperceivedperceivedperceivedandtoSallythishurtissomonstrous,sobig,thatshecannottalktoanyoneaboutit.

Theywouldn'tunderstand.TheywouldsaystupidthingslikeHe'sjustaboy.Thereismorethanonefishintheoceanetc.etc.Iwouldjustendupagreeingtogetthemtoshutupsowhytry.Shethought.Theywouldn'tunderstand!Ijustdon'twanttohavetoexplain.Infact,Sallywasn'tcapableofexplainingsinceshedidn'tunderstandanyofthis.Itjustwas,that'sall!ThedepressionandrealhurtisholdingherLFdownandwhenshetriestofunctionandfails,theanxietythat'sgenerated,furthersuppressestheLF.Whenshegivesitherall,reallytries,asshehasalwaysdone,sheviolatestheLFandtheimmunesystemlowerstheLFfurther,

tryingtoprotecther.Theimmune-LFsystemisreallyaverygoodsystemthatwasdesignedtokeepSallysafebuthasbeenturnedbackonitself.SallymustRELAX.Shemustdomanythingsthatarecontrarytohernature.ShemustnottryanythingbeyondthepointwhereMGweaknessisexperienced.Aboveall,andthisisthehardpart,Sallymustridherselfofanxietyandthatmonsterthatisdestroyingherfromwithin.Thechancesaregoodthatshewon'tgetridofthehurtthatbeingdumpedbyBillcaused.ThechancesarerealgoodthatSallywilldojustasIdid!Blockitout!-------Buildawall-chinkthe

cracks-getonwithyourlife!IfonlySallyhadnotdevelopedherEnhancedabilitytoCommunicateMindtoMuscle.WhenBilldumpedher,shewouldhavebeendepressed,but,withouttheabilitytoviolatetheLF,shewouldnothavedevelopedMG.Shewouldnothavecollapsedonstage.Shewouldsimplyhaveturnedinaverypoorperformance.Ofcoarse,ifSallyhadnotdevelopedherEnhancedAbilityshewouldprobablybeinawheelchairtoday.ShewouldnothavebeenabletoovercometheveryseriousdamagestoherbodyfromtheAutoAccident.Itwasatradeoff.Onceagainsurvivalhadwonoutoversafety.YoumightsaythatSallywaspayingthePiper.


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IncaseyourewonderingifSallyisarealgirl,she'snot.She'sacompositeofmyself,agirlinIllinois,anotherinEnglandandahalfadozenmenandwomen.IfounditmucheasiertodiscussSallythantoconstantlytalkaboutmyself.

ThequestionhascometomymindmanytimeswhyisMGsoselective?Whyinonepersondoesitaffectthelegsandnotthearmsandinanotherthearmsmorethanthelegs?Whydosomehavetroubleopeningtheireyelidsandothersdon't?Thereisevidence,frommyownexperienceandfromtalkingtoothers,thatleadsmetoconcludethattheseareasarepreconditionedtothedisorderbysubsequentoccurrencesofoverridingtheLFinthatarea.Anexamplewouldbearunnerinthelastfivesecondsofarace.TheextremepressuretoperformwouldstimulatetheproductionofexcessivemindtomusclesignalsthatcouldoverridetheLF.Theresultingweakness,aftertheraceisover,duetoanysuppressionoftheLFbytheImmuneSystem,wouldbeacceptedasanormalreactiontoagreateffort.SinceSevere

Anxiety-Depression-StressisnotpresentitwouldnotresultinMG.ThemomenttheracewasoverthepersonwouldstopoverridingtheLFand,withnothingelsetokeepitdown,itwouldreturntonormal.IBELIEVEWHENTHELFISOVERRIDDEN,EVENFORASHORTTIME,ITISWEAKENEDANDBECOMESINCREASINGLYSUSCEPTIBLETOFUTUREVIOLATIONS.TherunnerispreconditionedtoMGinhislegs.KeepinmindthesimplefactthatheviolateshisLFfromtimetotimedoesnotinitselfputhimindanger.TheotherelementsthatmakeuptheMGpersonmustalsobepresent.

InmyowncaseIrecallmanytimesdoingthingswithmyhandsandarmsthatothershadtriedandfailed.Ididseemtobeabletocontinuetoapplypressureuntilthejobwasaccomplished.Simplejobslikeremovingalidfromajar.Twoorthreepeoplewouldtry,somebiggerandstronger,andwouldgiveup.Onremovingthelidtheywouldusuallysay,"Ilooseneditforyou."Maybetheydid,onceortwice,butIfindithardtoaccepteverytime.Thistypeofoccurrencehashappenedallofmylife.WhenIfirstencounteredMGmyarmswerethefirsttobeaffected.Nextdoublevisionandthen,toalesserdegree,mylegs.AtthistimeIthoughtthatIcouldcontinuetoinsistthattheyworkandtheyhadtoobey.Ihadalottolearn.Iwasmyownworstenemy.ThedeterminationthathadservedmesowellnowinsuredthatIwouldlockmyselfintoMG.

IntheabsenceofMG,determinationledtobetterperformance.OncetheLFissuppressedbysevereAnxiety-Depression-Stressandthisismetwithadeterminedeffortitleadstolessorzeroperformance.TheMGpersonmustunderstandthisandreversehisapproach.ThecontinuationoftheoldpatternofbehaviorleadstoMGcrises.Determinationisstillusefulas,Iwouldhatetoseeanyonegiveup,buttheapproachmustchange.Insteadofthedirectapplymoreimpulsesfullsteamaheadapproach,theMGpersonmustlearntogobackwardsinordertogoforward.Inmanycasesrelaxingandapplyingfewerimpulseswillachieveagreaterresult.ThisseemingcontradictionmayexplainwhysofewMGpeoplefindtheirownwayoutofthiscondition.


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AutomaticTransmissionorFouronthefloor?

Mostofusdon'thavetothinkaboutshiftinggearswhenitcomestoourbodies.Ashealthypeoplewewerebornwithautomatictransmissionsthatdoallthethinkingforus.It'sbuiltinto

ourdesignandit'saverygooddesign.IdoubtifanyoneinDetroitcouldimproveonit.Sally,however,hasjustbeenbetrayedbyherautomatictrans-mission.Shewantedtogofullspeedaheadduringtheplaybut,instead,foundherselfatadeadstandstillonthestage.UntilSallyimprovesagreatdealshecanlookforwardtothesameresultseverytimeshereliesonherautomatictransmission.(Withouthelpittookme,aleast,twentyyears.)Sally'sbestbetistostartthinkingintermsofaStickShift.Whenshegetsup,inthemorning,ShemustnotputherbodyintogearuntilherLFhasachancetoriseabovethelevelthatshewillbeapplyingsignals.Shecan,frommyexperience,helpthisprocessagreatdealbytheuseofmeditationandfantasy.Ithinkofthisasopeningthegaragedoor.Obviouslyifweputitintogearbeforeweopenthedoortheresultwillbelessthanwedesire.

Sallynowhasthedooropen.Whatnext?SheputsitintoLowandthenintoSecondandnowshe'sinHighGear.Canshegotherestoftheday,justdrivingaroundlikeapersonwithanautomatictransmission?As"Al"on"HomeImprovement"wouldsay"Idon'tthinkso,Tim."HowfarSallycangoisdeterminedbytheamountoffuelinhertank.Afterthirty-sixyearsIhavealmostafulltankandcangetthroughaprettyfulldaybutSally,atthispoint,hasonlyacoupleofgallons.AllthismustbecalculatedbySally.Howfarcanshegobeforeshehasgonetoofarandcan'tgetbackagain.Ifhergaswillrunout(MGWeakness)at,say,60mile,thenitwouldbefoolish

togopastthe30milemarkbeforeturningaroundandcominghome.Keepinmind,againfrommyownexperience,thatifshegoesbeyondthe60milelimitatthispointinherrecovery,shewilldamageherconditionfurtherandtomorrowwillonlybeabletogo30miles.Hergoalshouldbetostaywithinherlimits.Beactive,yes,butstopshortofMGweakness.SallyisaminorsoIcan'tsuggestthatshetakeupdrinking.AlcoholisthewayIfoundtolimitmydaybuttheremustbeothersolutionstothisproblemandI'mconfidentthatassoonasthemedicalprofessionisawareoftheneed,adozensolutionswillbefound.

FromtheaboveitisapparentthatSallyfacesadifficultfuture.Thegoodnewsisthat,whiledifficult,Sallycanmastertheskillsneededtogaincontrolofherbodyandherlife.Itis,afterall,notimpossibletolearntodrivewithaStickShift!


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CHAPTERXICHAPTERXICHAPTERXICHAPTERXI

WOODCUTTING

THEMGEXPERIENCEASTRIGGERED

BYAPURELYPHYSICALACTIVITY

ItwasthelastweekinOctoberinadroughtyear.Theforesthadbeenclosedbecauseofthelowhumidity.Thefiredangerwashighand,untilnow,JoanandIhadn'tbeenabletogetoutandbringinourwinterssupplyofwood.Thefirstsnow,thatusuallycameinSeptember,couldcomeatanytime,makingitimpossibletodriveonthedirtroads.ThesituationwaslookingurgentandIwasanxioustogetoutandcut.

ThefactthatIhadn'tusedachainsawinoverayeardidn'tseemallthatimportant.IhardlygaveitathoughtasIhadbeenveryactive,oflate,andwasfeelinggood.Thislateintheyeartherewouldbenotimeforthewoodtodrybeforeweuseditsowemustbringindrywood.Thismeantmostlylimbwood.Thelimbsthatwereleftbehindbytheloggerswhentheyharvestedthebigpines.Thiscouldbeaproblem.Whencuttingwood12inchesindiameterorgreatertheweightofthesawisonthelogmostofthetime.Theoperatorsjobistoguideitbutnotbearitsweight.Limbwoodisdifferentinthatyoumustbeartheweightofthesawallthetime.Apparentlythemusclesneededforthisactivityhadn'tbeenusedinawhileandwerenotuptothetask,for,aftertwohoursofcutting,theywereleftinaverydamagedcondition.Proofofthiscamethenextmorningintheformofnumerousachesandpains.Iwasnot,atthispoint,experiencinganyMG.Iwouldnormallyhavewaitedadayortwo,untiltheachesdisappeared,beforegoingoutagainbutthepressuretogetinthewoodwasgreat.NowI'vepreached(I'vetriedhardnottobutIknowI'vepreached)allthroughthisbookabouttheMGpersonsneedforpatienceetc.Howhemustignoreoutsidepressuresandbackoffinordertomakerealprogress.Howhemustlistentohisbodyandpayattentiontothesigns.Mybodywassaying"Rest"andthesignsofsoremuscleswerecrystalclearandwhatwasIgoingtodo?WouldIpracticewhatIpreached?

Intothewoodswewentandafterseveralhourswehadanothertruckloadofwood.Myarmmusclescomplainedandgaveoutbut,cleverme,Ihadshiftedmostoftheliftingtomyshouldersandback.Mygriponthesawwasstillverygoodasmyhandsarestrongandingoodshape.WhendoinganyactivitythatleadstoMG,themuscleswiththepoorestconditioningwillshowMGfirst.ThebettertheconditioningoftheMGpronepersonthefartherheisawayfromtheMGsymptom.


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OnthethirddayItoldJoanthatwemustgoforbiggerwoodsoIcouldrestthesawonthelogsmostofthetime.Thisworked,toadegree,butIwasstillusingdamagedmuscleswhenIshouldhavebeenrestingthemandallowingthemtorebuild.Thisdemonstrateshoweasyitistofallintoatrap.Circumstancescan,anddo,pushusintosituationsthataredestructiveanddangerous.

AttheendofthethirddaymyarmswerehurtingbadandIwasexperiencingdefinitesignsofMG.GoingagainstmyownrulesofgoodsenseandeverythingthatIhadlearnedoverthepasttwenty-fiveyearshadproducedverypredictableresults.Ifeltstupid.Wasitworthit?ThenIhadathought.IhadalreadydonethedeedandmaybeIcouldlearnsomething.Turnanegativeintoapositive.CouldIfindoutifMGthatwasbroughtonbyphysicaltraumastaylocalorwoulditspillintootherareas.OnemoredaywouldintensifytheMGtothepointthat,ifitweregoingtodoanytraveling,itwould.IwouldnothavetriedthisifIweren'tabsolutelysurethatIcouldcontrolmyemotionsinthepresentsofMG.IknewthatIwouldnotbecomeapprehensivebecauseIcouldn'tusemy

arms.ItwastheeveningofthethirddayandIwashavingdifficultyfeedingmyself.Icouldnotgetthefoodtomymouth.ItseemedthatwhenIstimulatedthemusclesthatheldmyforkIthencouldnotmovemyarm.Thetwoactionsseemedrelated.IfIrelaxedmyhandandarmIcouldthenraisemyarmbutassoonasIheldtheforkwithfood,myarmwouldnotwork.Ifinishedeatingbyloweringmyheadtomyplate.Notaprettysightbutwedowhatwemustdo.DressingwasverydifficultonthefourthmorningandIhadtroublebrushingmyteethandcombingmyhair.ThesymptomswereclearcutMG.Ifoundthatbylettingmyarmshanglimpfor15secondsIcould,inonemotion,getthemovermyheadandcombmyhair.Theyquickly

becameheavyandIhadtorepeattheprocessfourorfivetimebeforethejobwascomplete.TheLeftArm,theweakeronenormallyasIamRighthanded,wasnowshowingmoreMGweakness.IwashedfairlywellwithmyrightarmbutwhenItriedtowashmyrightarmwithmyleftitbecameimpossible.WiththewashclothinmylefthandIcouldn'traisemyarmabovemywaist.OnimpulseIturnedmyhandoverandplacedtheclothonthebackofmyhand.NowIcouldraisemyarm.Byturningmyhandoverthejobofraisingitupwasshiftedtoadifferentsetofmuscles.TheMGwasnotinmywholearmbutonlyinthosespecificmusclesthatwerestressedbythewoodcutting.FromthisIconcludedthatMGthatistheresultofphysicalstressortraumawillnotspilloverintootherareas.Ifithadnotaffectedneighboringmusclesitisveryunlikelythatitwouldaffect

other,moredistantpartsofthebodywithoutthehelpofemotionalstressoranxiety.Ididgoandcutwoodonthefourthdaywhichwasratherstupid.MymusclesscreamedforreliefandtheMGgotworse.Ihadalreadydeterminedtheanswertomyquestionandthisaddednothingtomyknowledgeexcept,possibly,thatIwasmorethanalittlecrazy.Theremustbeaguardianangelofstupidityorhalfthehumanracewouldnotsurvive.Ihadthefeelingmyangelwasearninghispay.


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Theonequestionremainingwas:WilltheMGdisappearatthesamerateasthemusclesrecoverorwilltherebearesidualeffect?WillIexperienceMGinmyarmsforaperiodafterthemusclesaremended?ProbablynottooimportantbutIwascurious.AftertwentyfourhoursoflittleormildactivitytheMGwasgreatlydiminished.Thiswasmuch

fasterthanIhadanticipated.TheMGwasgoingawayatthesamerateasthesoremuscleswerehealing.WithoutfearoranxietytoprolongtheMGexperiencetherewouldbenoresidualeffect.Cool!Cool!Cool!Cool!Afterfourdaysofrestwe,onceagain,wentintothewoodstofinishourjob.Thesorenesswasgoneand,withanewsmallerchainsaw,Imanagedtodothejob.TherewassomeMGnoticeableintheeveningsbutitwasmildandnottooinconvenient.ThedayafterwecompletedourwoodpileIexperiencedarealletdown.Ihadnoenergyandlittlestrength.ThisweaknesswasmoreliketheweaknessexperiencedwiththefluthanMGweakness.

IbelievethisletdownistobeexpectedafteranyprolongedperiodofraisingtheLFbymeditationandexcitement.Itcanbecomparedtotheletdownafteranemergencyhasbeenhandled.TheLFhadbeenproppedupfortenortwelvedaysandwhenthereasonandmotivationwasremoveditcamedowntoalevelbelowitsoriginallevel.Mybodywassaying,"Itstimetorest.Youcan'tabusemeforever."Interestingly,whileIexperiencedthisweakeningovermyentirebody,IonlyhadMGinmyarms.IbelievethissupportsanearlierconclusionthatoncetheLFisviolateditisdamagedandcanbeviolatedeasierthesecondtime.Themorethemusclesarepushed,inthepresenceofMG,thefarthertheyaredrivenfromastateofremission.

Myjob,then,wastoreturnthemtoastateofremissionbyavoidingMGasmuchaspossible,allowingtheLFtorebuild.IbelievethatIcandothisbycombingmyhairandresting---brushingmyteethandresting---washingmyfaceandrestingetc.IfIdoexperienceMGIwillimmediatelyrestmyarmsuntilIcancontinue.Byproceedinginthismannermyarmsshouldreturntonormal.PastexperiencesaysthatitwilltaketwoorthreetimeslongertoreturnmyarmtoremissionthanittooktogettoMG.Thatmeansaboutamonth.Patience.

"Ah!thebestlaidplansetc."TwodaysafterIwrotetheaboveIwenttomystudioandbegansiftingthrougholddrawingsandpapers.IranacrossashortstorythatIhadstartedwritingtwelveyearsearlier.Ithada

goodbeginningandagoodendingbutitseemsmycreativejuiceshaddriedupwhenitcametothemiddle.Isatbeforethefireplaceandreadit."Itwasn'tbad",Itoldmyselfandthensomethoughtscametomindthatmight,justpossibly,fitthemiddle.BeforeIrealizeditIwasmakingnotesandtheaforementioneddriedupjuicesoncemorebegantoflow.IcouldfeeltheadrenalineandinthethreeweeksthatfollowedIwastotallyfreeofanyMGweakness.Thehealingpowersofthistypeofexperienceshouldnotbeunderestimated.NomatterhowmanytimesIhavelivedthisphenomena,relativetoMG,ithasalwaysleftmeamazed.


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CHAPTERXIICHAPTERXIICHAPTERXIICHAPTERXII

MOUNTST.HELEN

Ourson,Dave,hadfinishedcollegeandhadtakenajobwiththeForestryinMissouri.HisheartwasstillontheWestCoastsowhenasummeropeningatMountSt.Helenpresenteditselfhejumpedatthechance.Daveinvitedusup,whilehewouldbethere.Astatecampgroundwasacrosstheroadfromwherehewouldbeworkingandwecouldallexploretheparkinhisoffhours.JoanandIstillliketotentcamp.We'regoodatitandIimaginethat'swhyweenjoyit.Actually,ifthetruthwereknown,JoanwouldprobablypreferagoodmotelbutshehasalwaysbeenwillingtobendalittleandIloveherforit.

MountSt.HelenhaderuptedonMay,181980,changingthelandarounditforever.Thefirstreactionistomournthelossoflifeandthedestructionofsomuchforest.Summercabinsandcampgrounds,allgone.Fiftysevenpeopleandmillionsoftreesandanimalsceasedtoexistinamatterofsecondsbecauseofthismonumentalactofnature.Peoplewhohadlivedintheareaorcampedandhikedandenjoyedthelakesandstreamscouldbeforgivenforaskingwhy?Whyhadsuchbeautybeendestroyed?WhydidGodallowsuchawaste?Iimaginetheirwishwouldbetoputitallback,butthiscouldneverbe.Whenwearrivedinthesummerof1988ourfirstimpressionwasoneoftotaldestruction.Aswestudiedthearea,readthereportsfromthemanyscientistsonthemountain,andlookedatthebeautifuldisplaysatthevisitorcenteroureyeswereopenedtothelifearoundus.Thiswasnotjustlifebutanewvigorouslifethat,withasmallstretchoftheimagination,couldbeseensurpassingallthathadbeendestroyed.Itookitallinandunderstoodthatlifeisisisischange.Thecloserwegettoastaticcondition,thecloserwearetodeath.Allofnaturemustbethesame.AlloftheUniverse.Alloftheextinctspeciesarenowgonebecausetheyfailedtochange.Failedtoadapt.Tobereallyalivewemuststayflexibleandyielding,stayopentochange.ItwastobigtocomprehendduringourshortstaybutIwouldthinkandmeditateonthisexperienceformonthsandyearstocome.

Allofmysensesweresharpenedandtheyfueledadesiretogetcloser,lookintothevolcano,beapartofthismarvel.JoanandDavediscoveredahelicopterservicethat,forafee,wouldflythemup-in-andaroundtheLavaDomethathadformedinthecrater.ThisdomewasbusysmokingandrumblinganddoingwhatlavadomesaremeanttodoandI'msureflyingarounditinahelicopterwouldbeathrill.JoanandDavesawitthatway.TestHopClete,ontheotherhand,washavingtroubleseeingitasanythingbutadeathwishandchosetostayontheground.


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IwouldliketomakeitclearthatIdon'thavearealphobiaaboutflyingbut,aftermyAirForceexperiences,itjusttriggersthewrongsetofjuices.IhaveflownsinceleavingtheservicebutneverdosoifIhaveanoptionand,IsoondiscoveredanoptionatMountSt.Helen.Ahikingtrailhadbeencutintoonesideofthemountainand,afterregisteringatalocal

restaurant,alimitednumberofheartysoulswereallowedtomaketheascenteachday.Ihavealwayswantedtobea"HeartySoul"andifyouputthatdesirewiththeexcitementandeagernesstoseemore---well---Ijustcouldn'thelpmyself.DaveagreedtogowithmeandJoanwouldremainatthebasecampandreadabook.Davetookcareofgettingusontherightlistandwearrivedattherestaurantearlyonthedayofthehike.Afteragoodbreakfastwesignedinandheadedforthebasecampwherewewouldleaveourcar,andJoan,andbeginouradventure.Onourreturnwewouldstopagainattherestaurantandsignout.Thisprovedthatwewerenolongeronthemountainandtherescuecrewscouldgohomeandhaveabeer.IfwefailedtosignoutIguessedtheywouldhavetogoupandcheckallthecrackstoseewhichonewehad

falleninto.Isupposetheywouldmarkitandthengohomeandhaveabeer.Ireallydidn'twanttogivethisanyseriousthoughtasyoucansee.Theideaofsomeonewithaseriousdisabilityclimbingamountainmight,onthesurface,seemalittleoverlyambitious.In1984myotherson,Phil,hiscousinJackCrockerandmyselfhadattemptedtoclimbMt.LasseninnorthernCalifornia.Joanhadchosentostayintheparkinglotjustasshewasgoingtodothismorning.Joanhadpromiseduseachapinthatstated"IclimbedMt.Lassen"ifwesucceeded.This

timeJoanhadnointentionofreadingabookand,unknowntothethreeofus,hadpositionedherself,withapairofbinoculars,toverifyourprogress.Wehadn'tgonehalfthedistancewhenJacksuggestedthatwehideinagroveoftreesforacouplehoursandthentriumphantlyreturnandclaimourprize.LuckilytwoGressescanoutvoteoneCrockerandhewasoverruled.(Joanwouldhavenailedus!Howdidsheknow?)Wecontinuedtheclimbwithagreatmanymoansandgroansandeachofustookturnsinwantingtosurrender.Eachtimetheothertwowouldoverrulethepleads.Finally,stillshortof

thetop,wewereallstretchedacrossthetrail,blearyeyedwithsweatdrippingandtonguesdragging.Threemorepitifulexamplesofhumanityhaveneveroccupiedthisplanet.Suddenly,fromsomewherebelowourposition,women'svoicesclearlyreachedourpatheticears.Wesatup,notwantingtobelieve.Aswewatched,twowomenwalkedbrisklyaroundthebend,talkingandlaughing,pastourgravesanddisappearedupthemountain,theirlunchpacksbobbingontheirseventyyearoldlittlefannies.Oh,Lord,howcouldyoubesocruel?


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Thusfortifiedbythismassiveinfusionofegowecontinueduntilthetopwasreached.Iwasfiftyoneyearsoldatthetimeandprobablywouldhavesurvivedbeingbestedbytwoseventyyearoldwomen.IcouldhaveblameditonMyastheniaGravis.(Convenient?)PhilandJackwerebothhealthyandstillintheirtwentiesand,Iknow,wouldhavediedbeforegivingupafterthewomen'sblatantexhibition.AllinallIfeltarealsenseofaccomplishment.

ThethoughtoftheMt.LassenclimbgavemeencouragementandIsensedanothervictoryontodayshike.Onthewaytothebasecampwestoppedandpickedupsomegoodwalkingsticks.Webothhaddaypackswithalittlefoodandofcoursewater.Icarriedapackstovewithacoffeepotandcoffee.Themorningwasperfect.Cool,crispairthatfeltchillyifonestoodstillbutwasaperfectwalkingtemperature.Brokencloudsoverheadmovedfastenoughtogivelongperiodsofsunshine.Thefirsttwoorthreemileswerealmostflat,throughtreesthathad,somehow,survivedtheblastofthevolcano.

ExcitementproppedupmyLFandIfeltstrong.Thetrailbecamesteeperaswenearedthemountain.Strangerockformationswereeverywhere.Fallentreesandash,everywheretherewasash.Wewalkedon.Aheadwecouldseewhatappearedtobeaglacierandthetrailseemedtobeheadingstraightforthefoot.ItwasaboutherethatIfeltthefirst,verysmall,sensationofMGweakness.Wehadgone,maybethreemiles,anditwastoosoon.Therealchallengeofthemountainstilllayahead.Itwasjusttoodamnedsoonand,inspiteofmyself,Ibegantofeeldisappointmentreplacethe

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Beyond the Limits of Myasthenia Gravis