Being Sian' - Meeting Ray

8/14/2019 'Being Sian' - Meeting Ray

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‘Being Sian’

Meeting Ray

It was dinner time at the hostel canteen now. I made my way towards the

back of the queue, holding my dark brown wooden tray out ahead of me in

polite expectation of being fed. I sat at the edge of a group of people that

I didn’t know, but felt safe enough joining. I ate my food silently,

uncomfortable in the presence of these strangers as they conversed

hesitantly now, aware that I was listening, though I tried to pretend I

wasn’t.

I couldn’t wait to finish and I got up with relief, emptying the waste into

the bin, and stacking the tray onto the trolley by the side of the Coke

machine. Here I noticed some hard plastic orange seats and fake leather

couches. I sat down, unwilling to go straight back up into my room

upstairs. I suppose I felt lonely, and hoped to fill the gap in side my chest

with something, but not quite knowing what.

A young lad sat two seats away from me reading a magazine. I glanced at

his face with a polite expression, in case he looked up and saw me. He

didn’t the first time, but when I tried again a few minutes later he finally

raised his eyelids from the page. I gave him a small polite smile. He now

seemed to relax, more at ease with the ice broken.

“Have you got the time?” He asked me now.

“I don’t, sorry.” I said, wondering why he wanted to know. Perhaps hehad to be somewhere now, and our meeting would be interrupted.

“Oh, there’s a clock up there, I never saw it before!” I told him, twisting

around to look up at the wall over our heads. “I’ve only been here two

weeks.” I explained to him, embarrassed.



3 “Where are you from?” He asked me.

“Well I used to live with my mother in Bow.” I told him, unwilling to

mention all the other things in between, like Steve, and the other people

I’d met along the way.

“I’m from Leeds.” He told me.

“Oh, what’s it like there?” I wanted to know. His manner had seemed to

die a little bit as he’d said it.

“It’s rough, I hated it. Couldn’t wait to get out of there.” He stormed.

I didn’t expect him to feel so angry about it. I got the feeling there was

more to the story, that he had problems with his family or something. He

had a victim attitude, but trying hard not to be. He seemed okay, like

someone who would be a good friend. I didn’t feel much attraction to him

though. His face disappointed me, every time I noticed how long his lower

jaw was. I thought it made him look ugly. The gap between his lower lip

and the bottom of his chin was two inches longer than it should have

been, and it spoiled his appearance.

However, this didn’t stop me spending the rest of my day with him. We

wandered around the shops, ate in Burger King, and chatted. Then we got

a drink from the Off-License section in Sainsbury’s, and drank them in his

room. It was in the other building, on the ground floor towards the back

yard of the hostel. It was stuffy and enclosed. It grew later and later into

the evening but we didn’t bother to turn on the light. As we lay on his bed

talking, we stared at the window, watching it slowly changing from busy,

bright daylight into a peaceful, dark navy blue. Alcohol had warmed theovens inside our conscious minds, a bond growing between us, we laughed

about nothing and everything. He trusted me enough now to whisper his

secret into my ear suddenly:

“I’m still a virgin, I’m sorry.” He seemed angry and ashamed.



4 “It’s okay, so what?” I comforted him, telling him that I’d only recently

lost mine too, at the late age of nineteen. He seemed reassured by this. I

allowed him to climb onto me, accepting his adoring attention as he

worshipped me like a Goddess. We spent the next few weeks together,

sharing days and nights. He wasn’t really my type, but it was better thanbeing alone. I lay crashed out on his bed, tired. I hardly ever used my own

room anymore. Now he burst into the room, full of enthusiasm.

“I got a new job at a nightclub in the West End. Wanna come?” He asked,

leaning towards me with a warm bear hug. I smelled his faintly sweaty

skin and felt his love start to suffocate and possess me.

“I dunno, I’m a bit tired, it’s eleven o’ clock.” I said in a discouraging voice.

“Oh go on. I can get you in for free.” He begged. “Timmy’s coming, so you

won’t be on your own. I’ll be there if you need me.”

I agreed reluctantly.

I got dressed and followed him outside into the street where Timmy

waited in his boyish manner, shooting me a big smile of encouragement.

We got on a train. I paid no attention to the journey, instead watching all

the other young passengers on the train. The couples in our carriage

looked happy. The boys were cute, holding the hands of gorgeous girls,

slim young and pretty, dressed daintily in black tight trousers, their breasts

tightly showing in sleek tops. I compared them to me and Ray, and felt

utterly dissatisfied. Why couldn’t I be one of those girls, holding the hand

of a sexy young guy like that? They never once looked our way, lost in

their own perfect worlds. Nothing else existed for them except each

other, and the train stops they were looking out for.

At the club, the bouncers looked at us with grim faces, letting us in

reluctantly, as if it was costing them to do so. I felt better inside,

especially when Ray went away to his new job as glass collector, leaving

me to absorb the new atmosphere. Timmy soon left my side when he saw



5 someone he knew, and I wandered up and down the stairwell to the many

small hash rooms, filled with hippie types cross legged on the floors,

jackets wrapped loosely around their waists as they sat in a stoned stupor.

None of them were capable of eye contact or conversation with me and soI didn’t even try, instead attempting to look as if I was either lost or

waiting for someone. I felt it was obvious that I came there alone, with no

support. I got bored rapidly and sought out the dance floor. It wasn’t

much of one really, and students bounced up and down in an exaggerated

attempt of having a good time, the only real buzz for them being the fact

that they had each other as company. I didn’t have that privilege, and I

felt almost glad to see Ray appear from the crowd to take me out of there,

back to our little hostel haven.

The next day some of the young ‘head cases’ from the hostel decided to

take a day trip out in search of a Blur concert. Dan, the guy I had slept

with, was the main ring leader. He worked there as security for the gig.

With all his facial piercings and tough image, I wondered why I ever got

into his bed. Janie, the good looking heroin addict girl brought her mad

boyf riend Brett, who seemed okay but I wouldn’t trust either of them

alone. In a group though, I felt relatively safe with them. Ray was

disappointed he couldn’t come because he had his new job, and he had to

work that night. I was relieved.

We jumped over the ticket barriers of Victoria Tube station to take the

Northern Line to our destination. I didn’t know what to expect when we

got there. The concert building was small and didn’t really seem like a

place to have a gig at all. Not that I knew anything about things like this- I

never went to one before in my life. There had been no problems with

letting us letting us in. Dan obviously had some kind of power over hiscolleagues, or maybe they were oblivious to our plan; I hardly noticed any

security as he let us in a side door near the back. I didn’t even know who

‘Blur’ was, but there music seemed vaguely familiar once we got inside. I

think I heard them on the radio before.



6 I watched the band members as they performed on the stage. Although I

knew nothing about them, I could tell a bad effort when I saw one. They

rushed through each song. They seemed to wish they were elsewhere

before they even started. This attitude spread to the audience and it

made me glad I hadn’t paid for a ticket, it would have been a waste of money. It was over quite soon, which wasn’t a bad thing. We piled

outside into the street again afterwards, keeping an eye out for Dan when

his shift was over. He appeared now from a doorway, telling us:

“You may as well head home, we’ll be stuck in here for a while.”

So we jumped the tube back to Victoria again and I said goodbye to the

other head cases, letting myself into Ray’s room. He came in ten minuteslater from work and offered me a clear plastic bag with packets of

cigarettes inside.

“Where did you get these?” I asked, curious.

“I found them all over the floor at the nightclub, people were dropping

them everywhere.” He told me.

Free cigarettes cheered me up after a crappy night out listening to rubbish

and dodging scary looking Underground staff. I chain smoked away,

wishing it wasn’t as late at night, so I could go out to the Off -License and

have a drink with it.

“Goodnight babe.” He said as he put his two bear-like arms around my

waist, snuggling behind me, chin tucked into the back of my neck. Having

a six hour break from Ray had slightly lessened my contempt for him, so I

murmured back in an almost genuine voice:

“G’night.”

copyright@emmasharn2009

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Being Sian' - Meeting Ray