The PioneerIssue 1

sep 16, 2010

page 8 BackpageTHIS PAGE IS FULL OF JOKES!

Meet the Humor Team!

Simi SinghCo-Editor

I wasn’t that aware of how important I was until I saw this cool looking college kid in Seattle wearing a bright red shirt with my scruffy face looking out into the distance on it. Every hip twenty-something rebel loves me. Turns out young kids are just really really into the Cuban Revolution. To be quite hon-est, upon further examination of my historical legacy, you’ll find that I was actually naively idealistic about my ef-forts. I don’t understand consumerist counterculture.

Your guide to surviving freshman year:Hey guys! Rad Tripman here to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR AT WHIT-MAN! I’m so PUMPED to be back this year guys. Also, with any luck, I’ll finally be able to GRADUATE THIS YEAR! But we’re not here to talk about me and my 18 “missing” credits. We’re here to talk about FRESHMAN YEAR! I still remember my freshman year like it was yesterday, even though it was in 2001. Freshman year can be a confusing time for a lot of people, but I’m here to make it a whole lot easier and WAY MORE AWESOME.Dorm Life

You guys. Dorm life is tough. There’s no denying that. But with these SIMPLE TIPS Y’ALL should be able to figure ev-erything out without being bummed out EVEN ONCE.

1. Learn how to play an instrument. This is crucial. For one, CHICKS LOVE IT, and for seconds, DUDES LOVE IT EVEN MORE. No matter if you’re a lady or a bro, learning how to play an instru-ment - preferably acoustic guitar - can be the difference between being the king or queen of the party and being a TO-TAL LOSER WHO JUST PLAYS STAR-

CRAFT IN HIS OR HER ROOM ALL DAY AND DOES REALLY GOOD IN CLASSES NO HOMO. It doesn’t even matter if you’re very good at your in-strument. Just learn how to play a few Sublime songs and you are GOLDEN. PEOPLE LOVE SUBLIME THEY TRANSCEND RACE AND AGE.

This is the only rule for surviving dorm life.Picking Your Frat

Oh man you guys FRATS JUST PLAIN RULE AND SO DO SORORI-TIES. Where else can you get FREE BEER all the time plus HOT CHICKS AND DUDES TO HANG OUT WITH? I mean technically you have to pay for it all through dues and such, but still: FREE BEER AND CHICKS AND DUDES! I should probably come clean and say right now that I never actually joined a frat, but I CAME SUPER CLOSE ONE TIME. I’m just not really into the whole “initiation” thing you know? Like I mean just because I cry when my gentles are threatened doesn’t mean that I can’t hang out with awesome dudes. Any-way. I know that when you first come to Whitman there will be tons of dudes and ladies trying to recruit you to their par-

ticular frat or sorority. What I’m saying is that YOU CAN’T MAKE A WRONG DECISION! All frats and sororities basi-cally offer the same thing which is UN-LIMITED GOOD TIMES as long as you make it past initiation and don’t start screaming for your mom as soon as they lock the door behind you in that tiny lit-tle room with the coffin inside and make you recite a poem about what brother-hood means.Dining Halls

Dining halls are the shit, man. Tons of food, tons of LADIES. My freshman year, I barely even ate there. I would ba-sically just post up by the bread counter and COLD HIT ON GIRLS NONSTOP. It was awesome. Of course, I’m engaged now and I love my fiance like crazy so I hardly ever do that anymore. I LOVE YOU CHRISTIE. But seriously, no homo, dining halls rule. Try to make friends with the servers; they can hook you up with the extra plate of pasta with “meat” sauce and maybe tell you some stories of their time as a mixed martial arts fighter. RAGE IN THE CAGE Y’ALL.

I hope I helped you guys out. Let's just agree that WHITMAN RULES and MOVE ON TO THE PARTYING.

What is “humor”? What is a “joke”? Why do we “laugh”? What does it mean to be “funny”? If a joke is made in a forest, with no one around to hear it, is it still offensive? When is the funniest time of day? Where do “jokes” come from? How many people laughing at once would it take to deafen a human baby? What about a wolf baby? Why? Support your answers using quotes from the text. If you are unable to answer these questions, you are not alone. Science is still searching for the secret to “humor” and the mysteries behind “laughter.” Many scientists believe that in order to fully appreciate a joke, one must walk a mile in the shoes of a mil-lion men. We, your editors, almost never listen to scientists. Frankly, your editors think that science is a bunch of flimflam. The only truth is law and the only law is that of the sword. Anyway... We the editors would like to assure you that you are in good hands, comedy-wise. We promise to provide you with your weekly quota of yuks, giggles, jibes, japes and guffaws. We, the editors, promise to never run off to the city with some fancy-talking man who calls himself an “actor.” We promise to not once threaten to burn the holy scripture of any major religion. If someone describes something as “gay” in front of your editors, we promise to say something to that person. Not in public, of course, or in a way that would embarrass them, but later in a more secluded place. Probably on Facebook Chat. We, the editors, are on your side here. Please enjoy. And remember: Laughter is God’s way of tell-ing you he’s sorry.

Inside This Issue:

Letter from the Editors

Hey froshmeat. It’s me, Jef-Chad Bear-field. As a JUNIOR on campus I know the lay of the land pretty fucking well. I’ll tell you everything I know about Whit-man which is really everything you need to know. So listen up SUCKAS:

1. Ankeny Field: Firstly, this is prob-ably the choicest place on campus to take your shirt off. If you are on Ankeny and you don’t have your shirt off, you are wasting your time. Due to the number of people not wearing shirts here, you will not get noticed by any ladies if you are dressed.

2. Penrose Library: This one time my sophomore year I had to pull an all-night-er to finish this lame-ass paper on alien-ated LAMEor on a lame Wednesday with my lame-ass pledge son, Rad Tripman. Anyway, something totally UNlame about the sich was that I was ALSO doing the Master Cleanse that week. Around 3 a.m., things started getting pretty XTREME. I could not stop the process. I’m not embar-rassed to admit that I pooped my pants. Really. It’s totally natural and afterward I had, like, 0 grams of toxins in my body. I would like the Frisbee team to stop giving me shit about the incident though.

3. Olin Hall: It’s almost impossible to go your entire Whitman career without coming to this place. Mainly because they have the BEST vending machines on campus, and because you can ride the Olin elevators pretending to be a shirtless elevator conductor while “students” are “going” “to” class.

4. Reid Campus Center: Man, you get the best pizzas in Reid. But, if I’m gonna give you the total truth about campus and about Reid and stuff, then I will tell you that I tried to hit on this senior Rebecca at lunch in Reid last week, and you won’t BELIEVE what happened. Surprisingly she did not seem interested. I don’t know what was up: My shirt was off, I was shin-ing with sweat from Frolf, and I talked a lot about the recent heat wave and how I plan on studying abroad in Australia over the summer so I could play a lot of

ultimate boomerang and catch some rays and waves. Anyway, usually girls eat that shit up, like get totally turned on by this stuff, but Rebecca didn’t even want to sit with me while I ate my lunch or go to my mailbox with me. Case in point: She was probably gay. God, why are the good ones always gay?!?

5. Man, I saw the hottest lecturer in Maxey Auditorium once. I don’t advise blasting your pecs during a lecture here. Profs get real ticked off about that sort of thing.

6. Prentiss Dining Hall: I’ve got one question for you. Have you ever tried to carboload after Frisbee practice while

your legs are still bleeding from getting cleated in the shin, and your face has dirt wiped all over it like in the beginning of the Lion King when Rafiki wipes that stuff on Simba, and no matter what, all these girls in the dining hall are staring at you and you don’t know why because you have a shirt on, but it must just be because

you’re super hot and you walked into the dining hall with a Frisbee so they know you’re a badass and then you go up to the bread basket by the toasters and the jam and the butter and you realize they’re all out of Nine Grain?

7. Baker Ferguson Fitness Center: Two words. Go Naked.

Emily BashamHead Writer

Have you ever cut down a cherry tree? Nope. I HAVE. Have you ever crossed a river in the dead of winter, your fingers so blue you mistook them for purple yams? Nope. Is your face carved into Mount Ver-non? Nope. Do you have wooden teeth because you don’t NEED real ones? Do you have hella paintings of yourself? Did you lead America’s Continental Army to victory over Britain in the American Revolutionary War and become the pres-ident afterward because it JUST MADE SENSE? I did. And that’s why you call me a Founding Motherfucking Father.

Finn StraleyCo-Editor

Did you know I was actually born in France? Yeah, that’s right! I’m techni-cally French! As a young peasant girl, I was considered a heretic even though God seriously told me to lead France to independence. With Britain being a real biAAtch to France, I decided to pretty much, which I won’t brag about, single-handedly claim several important victo-ries during the Hundred Years’ War. Un-fortunately, they burned me at the stake at the age of 19. Even though I’m dead, I was later canonized. It’s a long and com-plicated story, but it’s my life.

Notable Places with Jef-Chad Bearfield

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Bill Keane Unable to Draw Family Circus Before Masturbating...............................................................................A14

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Win US Presidency, Declare Nationwide Eugenics Program.................................................................................................D9

Nancy Drew Solves Torso Murders....................................................................B12

Bizzarro Superman Not Into Beastiality.............................................................................................................A3

Freshman Roommates Perfectly Suited For One Another.......................................................................................C6

Robert Fagles Translates Traumatic Eighth Grade Experience Into Greek..................................................................E9

Freshman Hopes Level Eighty Warlock Character Will Help Him "Get Some"..........................................................................................................G15

Local Hipster Ironically Denies Holocaust.............................................................................................................H17

Jewett Projector Reserved To Watch “Fight Club”...........................................................................................................J3

Animorph Roomates Won't Admit to Sexual Tension......................................................................................................A1

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OP ED: Is Your Roommate a Ghost? Find Out With Science! by Trent Reznor

OP ED: I Want You To Hit Me As Hard As You Can by Tyler Durden

OP ED:→ Point: Starcraft Sucks!→ Counterpoint: Counterpoint was too busy playing Starcraft to reply.

Have You Seen My Cat? by A Child

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