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www.erickson-foundation.org The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. 2632 E. Thomas Rd., Ste. 200, Phoenix, AZ 85016 U.S.A. RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED The Milton H. Erickson Foundation NEWSLETTER SM Vol. 36, No. 1 Spring 2016 Inside This Issue INTERVIEW continued on page 23 Non-Profit org. U.S.Postage Paid Kansas City, MO Permit No. 1932 INTERVIEW Terry Real Interviewed by Esther Perel 1 THE POWER OF TWO Robert Dilts & Deborah Bacon Dilts 8 CASE REPORT ORCA STRAIT By Michael F. Hoyt, PhD 10 THEORETICALLY SPEAKING A Brief Review of the Key Hypnotic Elements of Milton H. Erickson’s Handshake Technique 12 IN THE SPIRIT OF THERAPY Rob McNeilly, MBBS Interviewed by John D. Lentz, D. Min 14 Interview Terry Real By Esther Perel Terry Real has been a family ther- apist and teacher for more than 25 years. He is an internationally recog- nized speaker and author who founded Relational Life Institute (RLI), which offers workshops for couples, individ- uals and parents, and professional training for clinicians. Terry is a senior faculty member of the Family Institute of Cambridge in Massachusetts and a retired Clinical Fellow of the Meadows Institute in Arizona. To watch the entire interview with Terry Real and Esther Perel, please visit: https://youtu.be/Wh2XE_oO6DY Esther Perel: For those of you who have not met Terry, this is an in- troduction to an outstanding cou- ples’ therapists who has recently done a lot to influence the develop- ment of the field. Terry, my late fa- ther used to ask me: “What do you do with these people? Do you really help them?” Terry Real: A great scientist once said to me, “Psychotherapy is really just paid friendship. Isn’t it?” In terms of my work with couples…we do not live in a relationship-cherishing cul- ture. We live in a patriarchal, narcissis- tic, co-addictive culture. Most of us have not been raised by relationally skilled families and we’re damaged and we don’t know how to be intimate. A lifelong romance is a modern idea, and I don’t think most men and women have the skills and the wisdom to pull it off. We’re not at zero, we’re in the negative numbers. So it’s my job as a couples’ therapist to figure out what each of them is doing that’s blowing their own foot off. And then confront them in a loving and precise way; mov- ing into early childhood wounds that are at the root, but not leave it there. Once that’s on the table, teach them what I call, “a psychoeducational ap- proach to intimacy” -- what empathy, or accountability, or increased vulner- ability looks like. It’s a loving con- frontation -- what I call, “joining through the truth.” Whether you’re an angry pursuer, withdrawer, profes- sional martyr, or helpless victim, what- ever it is that you’re doing that’s screwing things up -- it’s taking a hard look at that. The second phase is mov- ing into inner child and family of ori- gin work. The third phase is: ‘If you don’t want to be an angry pursuer, let me teach you what functional pursuit looks like. Lose the chip on your shoulder and be inviting.’ It’s a three- step process: ‘This is what you’re doing wrong; this is where it comes from; and this is what right looks like.’ You know…stance, stance, dance. In a heterosexual couple, his dysfunc- tional move and her dysfunctional move and the way those two moves re- inforce each other can eat up the inti- macy like cancer. It’s my job to crowbar them out of that pattern. You could go to a trauma weekend and do deep cathartic, wonderful, reparative healing work with your inner child. Then, come home and be the same asshole that you were to your Self-esteem or appropriate shame means: I feel bad about the bad things I’ve done, and I still hold myself in warm regard as a flawed human being.

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www.erickson-foundation.org

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc.2632 E. Thomas Rd., Ste. 200, Phoenix, AZ 85016U.S.A.RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation

NEWSLETTERSM Vol. 36, No. 1 Spring 2016

I n s i d eT h i s I s s u e

INTERVIEW continued on page 23Non-Profit org.U.S.Postage PaidKansas City, MOPermit No. 1932

INTERVIEWTerry Real Interviewed by Esther Perel 1

THE POWER OF TWORobert Dilts & Deborah Bacon Dilts 8

CASE REPORTORCA STRAITBy Michael F. Hoyt, PhD 10

THEORETICALLY SPEAKINGA Brief Review of the Key Hypnotic Elements of Milton H. Erickson’s Handshake Technique 12

IN THE SPIRIT OF THERAPYRob McNeilly, MBBS Interviewed by John D. Lentz, D. Min 14

I n t e r v i e w

Terry RealBy Esther Perel

Terry Real has been a family ther-apist and teacher for more than 25years. He is an internationally recog-nized speaker and author who foundedRelational Life Institute (RLI), whichoffers workshops for couples, individ-uals and parents, and professionaltraining for clinicians. Terry is a seniorfaculty member of the Family Instituteof Cambridge in Massachusetts and aretired Clinical Fellow of the MeadowsInstitute in Arizona.

To watch the entire interview withTerry Real and Esther Perel, pleasevisit:https://youtu.be/Wh2XE_oO6DY

Esther Perel: For those of youwho have not met Terry, this is an in-troduction to an outstanding cou-

ples’ therapists who has recentlydone a lot to influence the develop-ment of the field. Terry, my late fa-ther used to ask me: “What do youdo with these people? Do you reallyhelp them?”

Terry Real: A great scientist oncesaid to me, “Psychotherapy is reallyjust paid friendship. Isn’t it?” In termsof my work with couples…we do notlive in a relationship-cherishing cul-ture. We live in a patriarchal, narcissis-tic, co-addictive culture. Most of us

have not been raised by relationallyskilled families and we’re damagedand we don’t know how to be intimate.A lifelong romance is a modern idea,and I don’t think most men and womenhave the skills and the wisdom to pullit off. We’re not at zero, we’re in thenegative numbers. So it’s my job as acouples’ therapist to figure out what

each of them is doing that’s blowingtheir own foot off. And then confrontthem in a loving and precise way; mov-ing into early childhood wounds thatare at the root, but not leave it there.Once that’s on the table, teach themwhat I call, “a psychoeducational ap-proach to intimacy” -- what empathy,or accountability, or increased vulner-ability looks like. It’s a loving con-frontation -- what I call, “joiningthrough the truth.” Whether you’re anangry pursuer, withdrawer, profes-sional martyr, or helpless victim, what-ever it is that you’re doing that’sscrewing things up -- it’s taking a hardlook at that. The second phase is mov-ing into inner child and family of ori-gin work. The third phase is: ‘If youdon’t want to be an angry pursuer, letme teach you what functional pursuitlooks like. Lose the chip on yourshoulder and be inviting.’ It’s a three-step process: ‘This is what you’redoing wrong; this is where it comesfrom; and this is what right looks like.’

You know…stance, stance, dance.In a heterosexual couple, his dysfunc-tional move and her dysfunctionalmove and the way those two moves re-inforce each other can eat up the inti-

macy like cancer. It’s my job tocrowbar them out of that pattern.

You could go to a trauma weekendand do deep cathartic, wonderful,reparative healing work with yourinner child. Then, come home and bethe same asshole that you were to your

Self-esteem or appropriate shame means: I feel bad about the bad things I’ve done, and I still hold myself in warm regard

as a flawed human being.

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Executive Editor: Richard Landis, Ph.D.

Reviews Editors: C. Alexander Simpkins, Ph.D., Annellen Simpkins, Ph.D.

Institutes Editor:Marilia Baker, M.S.W., Cecilia Fabre, M.A.

Power of Two Editor: Roxanna Erickson Klein, R.N., Ph.D.

In the Spirit of Therapy Editor: John Lentz, D.Min.

Guest Reviewers:Maria Escalante de Smith, MA; David L. Hargis,Ph.D.; Richard Hill, MBMSc, M.Ed., M.A., DPC; John D. Lentz, D.Min.;

Susan Pinco, Ph.D., LCSW

Contributing Editor/Writer:Marnie McGann

Production Manager: Karen Haviley

Ad rates: www.erickson-foundation.org

–Board of Directors–Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D.

Roxanna Erickson Klein, R.N., Ph.D.J. Charles Theisen, M.A., M.B.A., J.D.

Camillo Loriedo, M.D.Bernhard Trenkle, Dipl.Psych.

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc.2632 E. Thomas Rd., Ste. 200,

Phoenix, AZ 85016U.S.A.

Telephone: (602) 956-6196FAX: (602) 956-0519

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation

NEWSLETTER

www.erickson-foundation.org

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter2 VOL. 36, NO. 1

Last December’s 12th Interna-tional Congress on Ericksonian Ap-proaches to Hypnosis and Psychotherapywas a roller coaster of emotions and ex-periences. I was delighted to meetmany attendees, several of whom hadpreviously only been a name without aface or email address. And, of course,I was happy to meet up with old friendsand colleagues who have attended theCongresses from the beginning. TheErickson Congress was a cross-fertil-ization of the wisdom of the old andnew perspectives and surprising ques-tions from the young. (For me, every-one under 50 is young. I was taught torespect my elders, but these days I’mhaving difficulty finding elders!) ThisCongress even surpassed the prior one,making it no exception to the pattern in itsexpansion of Ericksonian perspectives.

Congress was joyful, but at thesame time there was a note of sadness.As mentioned in the last Newsletter,we lost one of our Grand Old Men --Philip Barretta, who died May 7, 2015.Truly a Grand “Forever-Young” Man,Phil always had a smile and a joke.And, he had a great heart and pos-sessed infinite wisdom. I was taking abreak at the Congress, sitting in one ofthe empty smaller presentation rooms,when a strong déja vu came over meand I realized that this was the sameroom Phil and I shared at the 6th Inter-national Ericksonian Congress in 1994when we conducted a morning super-vision panel.

At that supervision session, some-one ask us both how Erickson wouldhave approached couples. Phil and Ispoke at the same time and said almostthe same words: “They are still peoplefirst.” We then described how our ex-periences with Erickson taught us toappreciate that every relationship wasbetween two individuals, each ofwhom had their own perceptions andcognitions. To do an intervention witha couple, you first have to understandthat each is an individual, not just halfof a dyad. Phil and I then began a dia-log together that filled the rest of ourallotted time, and for some time after-ward, talked about all the possibleways one could look at a couple, de-pending on which domain one thoughtwas most important.

Today, there are even more wayswe can look at couples. And, the over-

laps between the different domains canresult in an “Infinite Diversity in Infi-nite Combinations.” (Miss youLeonard.) This concept is featuredwhen the Foundation hosts the 17thAnnual Couples Conference, May 13-15, 2016, at the Hyatt Regency SanFrancisco Airport in Burlingame. Thisyear’s conference theme is, “Attach-ment, Differentiation & Neuro-science.” The international facultycovers these perspectives with more di-mensions than Einstein or Hawkingcould talk about physics. To get a feelof what to expect, please read the Fea-tured Interview. Esther Perel, keynoteCouples’ faculty, interviews TerryReal, also keynote faculty, and the en-thusiasm is contagious. As you willdiscover, like the Couples Conference,the interview is filled with more thanjust theory. If you’d like to see the en-tire interview, it’s online at:http://www.couplesconference.com/ orhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh2XE_oO6DY.

This issue of the Newsletter alsofocuses on the different buildingblocks and domains that can be used toenhance couples’ work. John Lentz’sinterview with Rob McNeilly coversthe domain of spirituality; MariliaBaker’s The Power of Two, on RobertDilts and Deborah Bacon Dilts,demonstrates how love and profes-sional collaboration can be beautifullyblended; and Eric Greenleaf’s CaseReport presents Michael Hoyt’s per-sonal story of how he and his wife ex-perienced an “intersection between oldcultures and modern anxieties.” Also,Mark Carich and Mark Becker reintro-

Editor’s Commentsduce our Therapeutic Frameworks col-umn with a wonderful summary of theErickson handshake technique, demon-strating that not all inductions needwords.

Alex and Annellen Simpkins’ teamof incredible media reviewers -- MariaEscalante de Smith, David Hargis,Richard Hill, John Lentz, and SusanPinco -- cover such diverse topics asthe unique considerations in treatinggay men, hypnosis with adults andchildren, verbal and nonverbal com-

munication, the neurobiology ofmorality, and, of course, brief therapyand couples’ therapy. These are in-sightful, well-written reviews.

Please join us in San Francisco,May 13-15, for the Couples Confer-ence, to explore the understanding andtreatment of couples through the lensof “Attachment, Differentiation &Neuroscience.”

Richard LandisOrange, California

CORRECTIONRegarding the MHE Foundation Newsletter, Vol. 35, No. 3, “International Community”

column, pp. 6-7, description of Jeffrey Zeig receiving the John and Helen Watkins Awardfor Excellence in Teaching at the 20th World Congress of the International Society of Hyp-nosis (ISH) in Paris. The Watkins Award should read: “The Helen H. and John G. WatkinsAward for Excellence in Teaching is given to an awardee who exemplifies a lifetime of ex-cellence in the teaching of hypnosis for use in clinical and research settings”.

The Award Committee, ISH Awards/2015, co-chaired by Peter B. Bloom, MD andCamillo Loriedo, MD, especially wanted research to be an equal part of the award, since anon-clinician researcher of true merit might receive this award some day in the future.

Also, Claire C. Frederick, MD, the other recipient of the Watkins Award, was inadver-tently left out of ISH awardees mentioned in footnote #5, p.7.

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1 2 t h E r i c k s o n C o n g r e s s R e v i e w s

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter4 VOL. 36, NO. 1

Reflections on CongressBy Dr. Norma P. Barretta

For the first time in more than a quarter century, I attended the Erickson Con-gress alone. It was an eerie and sadly emotional experience. Phil, my partner in life,marriage, and work was no longer with me. He passed away May 7, 2015. The ex-pressions of sympathy and condolences were many and an unusual experience oc-curred: I was alone most of the time. At first, I thought people were avoiding mebecause Phil was not with me. But then, I realized this was a way of avoiding theirown sense of loss. He really was a force in life!

And so for the first time I did a solo presentation. Surprisingly, I filled in all thespots where Phil would have been talking…so in a sense he was there. The vari-ous sessions I attended were, as usual, stimulating, interesting, and informative. Wehave so many remarkable people in our field, and they continue to share their ex-perience and wisdom with us way past retirement age -- just as I plan to do!

A highlight of Congress was a visit to the Erickson home (now the Milton andElizabeth Erickson Museum), where Phil and I had spent many hours sitting withDr. Erickson in his living room after he finished the “formal” session in the “littlehouse” out back. Much has changed about the house, yet the aura of the Ericksonfamily pervades.

I recalled that during those group sessions, in the little house out back, therewas almost always a young man sitting in the back of the room -- and I wonderedwho he was. Some years later, it occurred to me that it was Jeff Zeig -- a younggood looking guy.

Memories of the conversations we had in that living room -- just the three ofus -- flooded back and I chuckled a bit, and cried too, and felt a huge sense of grat-itude for having had the experience.

I believe that all of us who had the gift of Milton’s presence in our lives havean obligation to share what we gleaned from him. And I sincerely hope that Jeffand Ernie, and all of the others who are still with us, will continue to attend futureconferences.

So…cent e venti anni and sto dwadziescia lat -- that’s 120 years in Italian andPolish, respectively, and I’ll only be a 116!

Reflections on the 12th International Congress

By Michael Munion

The 12th International Congress on Ericksonian Approaches to Psychotherapy,held in December, 2015, met and exceeded all expectations. In the years since thefirst Congress in 1980, there has been, paradoxically, both consistency and change.At the first Congress, there was an overarching sense of homage to Dr. Erickson,his body of work, and his influence on the field. This was also felt at more recentCongresses, not only through various workshops and panels specifically dedicatedto discussing his work and life, but through the ongoing participation of several ofDr. Erickson’s protégés, including Jeff Zeig, Ernest Rossi, Stephen Lankton,Stephen Gilligan, Bill O’Hanlon, and Michael Yapko.

Participants for Congress have also been consistent. Many attendees have beento several, if not all of the Congresses, and this gives Congress the air of a familyreunion. At this Congress, I participated in the celebration of a wedding, an an-niversary, and sadly, learned of the passing of an old friend -- Phil Barretta. Also,a friend who was in the process of working through a recent personal loss told methat he showed up in spite of his loss, because he knew that he would see peoplewho cared about him and would be there for him. Considering that Dr. Ericksonwelcomed patients and students into his home, it is not surprising that a meetingdedicated to his contributions has a “family” feel.

Change is reflected in the diversity of ideas presented at Congress. Under-standably, since Dr. Erickson profoundly influenced the development of non-hyp-notic schools, such as brief therapy, family systems therapy, NLP, and strategicapproaches, there is now an array of ideas and concepts presented that were notpresent at the first Congress. Metaphorically, Dr. Erickson’s seminal ideas havetaken root, grown, and spawned ideas unimagined 35 years ago. Consistency andchange; given that one of Dr. Erickson’s technical contributions to our field wasthe paradoxical intervention, there is no irony in that paradox.

The Congress website is: www.ericksoncongress.com.

WS 32 The Butterfly and the Electron: The Integration of Quantum Physicswith Mind-Body Hypnotherapy in the Transformation of Consciousness

Presented by Bruce Gregory, PhDReviewed by Michael Munion

Bruce Gregory has been busy working with and writing about not only themind-body connection, but the integration of these concepts with mathematics,physics, classical music composition, and tai chi for the treatment of trauma andaddiction. While for most of us steeped in the therapeutic arts, the articulation ofquantum physics principles is a huge challenge, Gregory has found a way to makeit look easy. In this workshop, he continued his discussion begun in an earlierpanel, of the Erickson resistance protocol. The Zen principle of acceptance, in-clusion, and appreciation of resistance is reflected in the protocol and his work. Ex-planation of quantum notions, such as electron entanglement, were beautifullyblended with tales of encounters with interested delegates of the Dalai Lama whocame to learn about quantum mechanics and quantum consciousness at a priorconference. Gregory managed to put a room full of people at ease with some in-credibly complex ideas.

Congress Video ReviewBy Jeff Zeig

I’m avid about seeking opportunities to learn. Whenever we have an Erickson-sponsored conference -- Brief Therapy, Couples, Evolution, or Erickson Congress-- in the weeks and months following, I carefully review the audio and video pre-sentations, searching for ways that I can improve my practice. Recently, I’ve beenreviewing videos from the December 2015, 12th International Congress on Er-icksonian Approaches to Hypnosis and Psychotherapy.

At Congress, there were 22 one-hour demonstrations. The demonstrationswere premier events and featured such luminaries as Stephen Gilligan, RoxannaErickson Klein, Betty Alice Erickson, Bill O’Hanlon, Lilian Borges, Stephen Lank-ton, Steve Andreas, Michael Yapko, Brent Geary, Robert Dilts, Alex and AnnellenSimpkins, and Dan Short. Some of the topics include: deep trance phenomena, ex-periential learning, dissociative processes, solution-oriented hypnosis, and con-versational trance. Wow! What a great opportunity to learn.

In contradistinction to previous Erickson Foundation sponsored events, at theDecember Congress we only videotaped events that we thought would be inter-esting to our audience. At previous meetings, we audio recorded. But because videois easily available today, and because it’s the best educational medium, we decidedto devote resources accordingly.

Most of the videos are two camera shoots that have been edited in postpro-duction. The audio and video quality is excellent, and the material is superb.

Also available is the six-hour Master Class that I co-taught with Stephen Gilli-gan, which consists of two live demonstrations -- each with subsequent discussionamongst us and the audience about the process of intervention. The Master Classwas one of the highest ranked events at the Congress.

If you want to improve your practice, visit www.erickson-foundation.org. Iguarantee that you’ll find a peerless education.

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Reid Wilson Honored by Two Service Organizations

Reid Wilson, PhD has been named a Founding Clinical Fellow of the Anxietyand Depression Association of America (ADAA). He has also been granted Fel-low status by the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT) inits inaugural year offering the fellow designation. Dr. Wilson is Adjunct AssociateProfessor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine andDirector of the Anxiety Disorders Treatment Center in Durham and Chapel Hill,NC.

ADAA is the leading nonprofit organization dedicated to the prevention, treat-ment, and cure of the anxiety disorders, depression, OCD, and PTSD through ed-ucation, training, and research. For more information: www.ADAA.org.

ABCT is a multidisciplinary organization committed to the advancement ofscientific approaches to the understanding and improvement of human function-ing through the investigation and application of behavioral, cognitive, and other ev-idence-based principles to the assessment, prevention, treatment of humanproblems, and the enhancement of health and well-being. For more information:www.ABCT.org.

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 5

Brief Therapy Brings out the BestThe theme for Brief Therapy 2016, December 8-11, is “Bringing out the Best.”

Due to its location, the accommodations, and faculty, this conference is sure.The conference will be held at the beautiful Town & Country resort in San

Diego and is a perfect expression of the Southern California vibe: relaxed, play-ful and connected, with service that’s engaging and approachable, yet unobtrusive,and where everyone feels welcome. The guest rooms have also been newly reno-vated for this season.

In addition to more than 40 short-course faculty, currently signed on as facultyinclude: Connirae Andreas, Steve Frankel, Stephen Gilligan, John Gottman, SteveLankton, Harriet Lerner, Lynn Lyons, Cloe Madanes, Scott Miller, John Norcross,Bill O’Hanlon, Christine Padesky, Erv Polster, Wendel Ray, Ernest Rossi, RonSiegel, Stan Tatkin, Michele Weiner-Davis, Reid Wilson, Michael Yapko and Jef-frey Zeig. A special keynote will be an interview with Albert Bandura.

A special Early-Bird discount is currently in effect until May 20, 2016. Plus,the Town & Country is featuring a conference rate of $105 per night. Registrationis open online at:

www. BriefTherapyConference.comWe hope to see you there.

Brief Therapy 2016

Join The Conversationon Facebook and Twitter!

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter6 VOL. 36, NO. 1

often at their shows doing video workand occasionally music stuff.”

Nate also enjoys travel and hasbeen to Africa, England, Denmark, andItaly.

“We’re beginning to launch theFoundation streaming service,” Natesays. “It’s an interesting education as Ilearn more about bit rate and compres-sion, and how to stay ahead of thecurve.”

NEWS

FOUNDATION WELCOMES NEW STAFFBy Marnie McGann

As the Foundation continues togrow and expand, new positions arecreated and vacated positions are filled.Recently, the Foundation welcomedCyndi Cleckner, our new Transcrip-tionist, and Nate Sorenson, the Foun-dation’s new Media Specialist.

In November 2015, Cyndi joinedthe Foundation. She born and raised inToledo, Ohio and moved to Arizona atthe age of 18. Cyndi worked as a med-ical transcriptionist for more than 30years, transcribing reports. “I like thework at the Foundation,” she says, “be-cause it’s very different from the typeof work I used to transcribe, and be-cause I’m learning many new things.”

In her personal time, Cyndi enjoysreading, writing, music, camping, andcreating simple crossword puzzles, aswell as spending time with her twograndchildren. For more than 20 years,she has been a member of the Societyfor Creative Anachronism, wheremembers recreate the Renaissance/Me-dieval time period. In high school,Cyndi played upright bass in theToledo Youth orchestra. “As the yearspassed,” she says, “I became interestedin the organ, piano, and electric bass,and played electric bass in my dad’sband in Ohio.”

Nate Sorenson was born and raisedin Glendale, AZ. After attendingScottsdale Community College, wherehe received his associate’s degree infilm production, he went on to Colum-bia College in Chicago, and subse-quently received his bachelor’s degreewith an emphasis in cinematography.

After working in Chicago for a fewyears, Nate moved to Orange Countywith his brother and worked in Los An-geles for a charter school district doingmedia. He then decided to return toArizona.

“Most of my friends and family arehere,” Nate says, “and I help them withfilming and music videos.”

In January 2016, Nate joined theFoundation. “I was looking for a

steady income,” he says, “so that Icould still pursue media work and domy own projects. After working heav-ily in marketing and production sales,it’s nice to work for an organizationwhose goal is helping people to growand develop.”

Outside of work, Nate is a musicianwho plays bass and regular guitar. “Ilive with a band,” he explains “so I’m

Cyndi Cleckner, Foundation's newTranscriptionist

Nate Sorensen, Foundation's newMedia Specialist

Donations and Tax-free

Retirement GiftsA common expression as people

age and begin to make final plans is:“You can’t take it with you.” And it’sso true. Fortunately, a new law now al-lows for those 70 ½ or older to take ad-vantage of tax-free gifting. It permitsthose individuals to transfer moneyfrom their IRA accounts to charitableorganizations without having to paytax. Up $100,000 to one or more char-ities a year can be transferred and thegift will satisfy the required minimumdistribution for the year – but it mustbe transferred from an IRA.

If you meet the age requirementand would like to transfer money fromyour IRA or to make a donation fromany source to the Milton H. EricksonFoundation, please visit our donation-secure website at: https://erickson-foundation.org/donate/.

The Foundation is grateful for anydonations that advance our nonprofitmission. Donations can be dedicated tospecific Foundation projects by ac-cessing our website.

For more information on how tomake a charitable gift using your IRA,please contact your IRA administratoror tax advisor.Hablamos Español Aquí!

Foundation Staff Takes Spanish Lessons By Marnie McGann

Like many worthwhile ideas, it began as just a suggestion. Jeff Zeig would oc-casionally suggest to the Foundation staff that we needed Spanish lessons…andeventually, and several of us agreed. When he lined up a teacher, most of the staffhappily took him up on his offer.

Now, every Tuesday and Wednesday, staff members can be found in the librarySkyping Beatrice Medina, our Spanish instructor in Mexico, as she conducts bothbeginning and intermediate classes.

Several Foundation staff members have had multiple years of Spanish, but asit’s been said many times: Use it or lose it.

After the first intermediate class, Christina Khin, IT Operations Manager, whohad four years of Spanish in college, said, “I definitely realized how much I hadforgotten. Beatrice is such a nice person and I like her teaching style of speakingonly Spanish.” Shortly after class, inspired to help the staff learn, Khin labeledmany of the office items with the correct Spanish name. Along with many other la-bels, “Basura” is now taped on the kitchen trash can, and “La Mesa,” is on thekitchen table.

Kayleigh Vacarro, Meeting, Faculty, and CME Coordinator, also attends theintermediate class. “For many of us,” Kayleigh says, “it has been too long to dis-close since we’ve had any practice with Spanish. So having this opportunity tolearn, review, and have conversations in Spanish every week is extremely excitingand beneficial! We can’t wait to continue with classes, and we hope to eventuallybe a bilingual staff. Beatrice is incredibly patient, and inspires confidence in usthat we can learn a new language.”

Gracias a Jeff Zeig y Beatrice Medina. Estamos ansiosos por hablar español!

Foundation CreatesMuseum WebsiteBy the time this issue of the

Newsletter goes to print, the Founda-tion will have launched a new websitefor the Milton and Elizabeth EricksonMuseum (www.ericksonmuseum.org).“We wanted the museum to have itsown unique site,” says Scott Mont-gomery, the Foundation’s Web devel-oper, who designed the site.

The website features general infor-mation about the museum, a contactpage where one can request a visit, anda virtual tour of Dr. Erickson’s office. Avirtual tour of the entire museum iscurrently in the works, being filmed byNate Sorenson, the Foundation’s newMultimedia Specialist.

“The website is viewable by allbrowsers,” says Scott Montgomery.“And if you take the virtual tour of Dr.Erickson’s office by cell phone, it’s asif you’re looking around the roomyourself because there’s a built-in gy-roscopic effect.”

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 7

Foundation Staff Member Attends Psychotherapy Symposium

On March 17th, Kayleigh Vaccaro, the Foundation’s Meeting, Faculty, andCME Coordinator, traveled to Washington D.C. to oversee an Erickson Foundationexhibit booth at the 2016 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium. At the confer-ence, Kayleigh distributed Erickson Foundation brochures, materials, and infor-mation about discounted rates for upcoming Foundation conferences. She alsoawarded Foundation raffle prizes to lucky attendees of the symposium.

Foundation Welcomes More Archive Volunteers

In December 2015, a week before Congress, the Foundation opened its doorsto two enthusiastic archive volunteers -- Cheryl Hayley and George von Bozzay.

Cheryl and George, who reside in San Francisco, viewed tapes of Dr. Ericksonand created a format so that the recordings could be used for online continuing ed-ucation. They worked on The Artistry of Milton Erickson, and several tapes in theZeig seminar collection, The Teaching Seminars.

“We came here through a dear friend, Jim Clendenen,” says Cheryl. He workedwith Erickson and later with Jeff Zeig. He sent me a copy of the FoundationNewsletter in which there was a request for volunteers. We hadn’t plan on comingto the Congress, but since the timing worked out, we arranged a time to volunteerand attend. It’s a pleasure to be here at the Foundation because we’ve both beenstudents of Erickson for so long. We’ve enjoyed doing the work, meeting the staff,and reconnecting with Jeff. It’s been through Milton’s work that I have come to ap-preciate how profoundly impactful the unconscious is, not only in our personallives, but also in our collective psyche and the role that it plays in our culturaltrance.”

Cheryl worked as a psychoanalyst in Manhattan for 12 years. She then spenttwo years traveling around the world with a healer from New Zealand, visitingshamans, healers, and medicine men in many different cultures. “Although it isframed differently and called by other names, I see trance dynamics as being sosimilar and I have great respect for Milton,” says Cheryl. “I also spent five yearsat Esalen working with Stan and Christina Grof establishing the spiritual emer-gence network, which created an alternative model to our common understandingof psychosis.”

Cheryl has also worked with hospice patients and people in bereavement, andhas cultivated a deep respect for the profound experiences of life and death.

George received analytic training at Amherst, MA, and then traveled to theUniversity California Medical Center, Langley Porter Neuropsychiatric Instituteduring the Summer of Love in 1967. There he received training in brief therapy,biofeedback, and treating medical psychology. Subsequently, he founded the

Biofeedback Institute of San Francisco, which he has overseen for 40 years. “Themain reason I began the Institute,” George says, “was to fill in the gaps ofmind/body interaction between medicine, in which prescriptions are often written,and psychology, whereby the client and therapist most often converse. My currentinterest is in developing software and apps for individuals to learn self-regulationskills and control their physiology. The relationship with hypnosis is that Ericksonoften pointed out there are bodily and physiological changes in trance that aremeasurable.”

Kayleigh Vacarro at Foundation booth at Psychotherapy Networker Symposium.

Cheryl Hayley and George von Bozzay, Archive Volunteers

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter8 VOL. 36, NO. 1

Robert Dilts & Deborah Bacon

DiltsBy Marilia Baker

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each

other all along. Rumi

Since 1996, Robert Dilts and Deb-orah Bacon have worked together.Bacon recalls their meeting: “We met20 years ago in Paris, when I was hisinterpreter. We continued working onstage together in France and Switzer-land, once or twice a year for the fol-lowing nine years. Then, almostexactly 11 years ago, we unexpectedlyfell in love while working together inParis. It was then that our ways ofworking together began to change.”This captivating couple has had a re-warding personal and professionalpartnership, while navigating the in-herently rough waters of an intimaterelationship with its complexities andvicissitudes.

In interviewing Robert and Debo-rah, I was fascinated by the depth andbreadth of their lifework – separatelyand together -- and their contributionsworldwide to human potential. In lis-tening to their life stories, I was pro-foundly touched by their freedom toexplore and to experiment with themyriad possibilities of “becoming fullyhuman.” (Maslow) Robert went fromhard science and technology to the arts,communication, linguistics, psycho-bi-ology, economics, and cultural anthro-pology. His contributions to businessexcellence include his knowledge ofpsychology, hypnosis, and the processof self-actualization.1

Deborah also explored in-depth,and experimented with, the expressivearts -- dance, movement, consciouspresence, and body awareness. Shemajored in French linguistics at theUniversity of California at Santa Bar-bara. Her explorations led her to Eu-rope, then to teaching Gabrielle Roth’s5 Rhythms®, which was her passion.2After moving to France in 1982, sheworked for several years as adminis-trative director for the Paris Center forCritical Studies3, a leading inter-uni-

versity center for young Americansstudying French intellectual historyand film criticism. She then attendedthe prestigious École Supérieure d’In-terprètes et Traducteurs at the Sor-bonne for two years, specializing in thecomplex science and art of simultane-ous interpreting and translation.4

Deborah says: “I grew up in theSan Francisco Bay Area at the heightof the human potential movement.Even though my father was a busi-nessman, he and my mother [who waseventually a student of Robert Dilts]were interested and deeply involved inmany aspects of the human potentialmovement5, hence my interest.” Deb-orah is certified in Roberto Assagioli’sPsychosynthesis, in Transpersonal Psy-chotherapy (Aquanima), RelaxationTherapy, and Richard Moss’ AppliedPhilosophy of Consciousness.6 Shelives several months out of the year inFrance, outside Paris, actively practic-ing her skills as teacher/trainer, inter-preter, and translator. She oftenpresents workshops with her husband,Robert, combining body-based ap-proaches with NLP processes. Deborahis the author of a number of articles inFrench, and a contributing author toNLP II: The Next Generation. In addition, Deborah works as instruc-tor/trainer at ISTHME: L’Institut de laRelaxation Évolutive et de laSophrologie, near Paris. Every summershe is a guest lecturer/trainer at NLP

University at Santa Cruz, California,where she and Robert also have ahome.

Robert Dilts has been an intrinsicfeature of Ericksonian approaches andmethodologies, as a chief proponent,creator, developer, and innovator inNeuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).7He recalls: “My journey with NLPbegan in September 1975, before there

was actually formally such a thing asNLP. The name “Neuro-LinguisticProgramming” emerged in the springof 1976. It was inspired in part by thefield of neurolinguistics – an area ofstudy, predating NLP, whose purposewas to explore the neurological basisof language.” Answering my question,“How did you become a polymath?”he tells me of his auspicious birth in1955, at the same hospital in Princeton,New Jersey where Albert Einstein wasdying, abiding his last days on Earth.“Einstein was leaving and I was arriv-ing into the world,” Robert writes.

“Perhaps there was some exchange inthe field between us, because I have al-ways felt a close connection with histhoughts and values, as he is the sub-ject of one of my books, Strategies ofGenius.”8

Robert then discussed, “My EarlyHistory with NLP,” the chapter hewrote for the book, Origins of NeuroLinguistic Programming, where he ex-panded on his youth, college life, in-tellectual origins, and how he came toPhoenix, Arizona to study with Dr. Er-ickson. His was an epoch of a phe-nomenally successful socioculturalrevolution, yet to be duplicated. Hewrites: “I grew up in the San FranciscoBay Area in the 1950s, ‘60s and ‘70s.This was a time of greatchange…much of which was focusedin Northern California. The culture inwhich I spent my youth was a corner-stone for such phenomena as the hip-pies, the rise of rock and roll music,protests against the Vietnam War, psy-chedelic drugs, sexual freedom, femi-nism, civil rights, gay rights,environmental awareness, the humanpotential movement, and the launchingof the technology revolution in SiliconValley. Change, new ideas, innovation,and a revolutionary spirit were a natu-ral, everyday part of the reality inwhich I came of age.”9

As a wunderkind in the latter partof the 20th century, Robert was pres-ent at the right place at the right timeto become an active participant in the

emergence, and evolution of NLP in1976; then in 1991, the founding ofNLP University. As a mature profes-sional in the 21st century, he is thepolymath leading the implementationof NLP concepts to education, technol-ogy, personal growth, health, leader-ship, and business.10

Then, Almitra spoke again and said,“And what of Marriage, master?”

And he answered, saying:

The Power of Two

Wedding at Asilomar, 2008

TWO continued on next page

Robert aptly describes conceptually what “the power of two” means to him. It is a “generative collaboration” – as a function

of three interconnected fields: Resonance, Synergy, and Emergence.

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 9

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

“…let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavensdance between you…

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even asthe strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music…”

Kahlil Gibran11

In 2008, Robert and Deborah were married at Asilomar (Spanish for “Refuge-by-the-Sea”) a picturesque conference resort and wildlife area on the Monterey

Peninsula, which embodies,and is symbolic of, this cou-ple’s “gentle strength,” yet in-domitable California spirit.Gibran’s entire poem/pre-scription for a healthy rela-tionship was read to thenewlyweds. Marrying in thesecond half of life, and bring-ing into the new marriage pre-vious experiences, the couplehad their own ideals. “But themap is not the territory,” saysDeborah.12

Among other pertinentmetaphors and analogies,Robert aptly describes con-ceptually what “the power oftwo” means to him. It is a“generative collaboration” –as a function of three inter-connected fields: Resonance,Synergy, and Emergence. Res-

onance: “What is the same? Where do we connect?”; Synergy: “Where are we dif-ferent? How can those differences complement one another?”; and, Emergence:“What else becomes possible? What new can come through our interaction?”13 Hecredits Deborah as the essential synergy in the relationship, who distills out the“impurities,” as if in an alchemical reaction, focusing on the deeper structure, seek-ing only the essential in their intimacy.

In her youth, Deborah felt a deep resonance with Irene Claremont de Castillejo,a Jungian analyst who proposed14 that a woman can become fully realized by beingin support of a man who is doing his work in the world, as long as she does thework to individuate. Nevertheless, as Deborah matured and experienced relation-ships – professional and intimate – she realized that de Castillejo’s prescription“belonged to another era, when gender roles were just beginning to break out ofthe conventional forms.” She elaborates: “I continue to feel that a conscious rela-tionship can be the crucible for deep growth and evolution, but I am not sure myvocation is to be in support of a man to live his life’s purpose in the world. The wayI hear this now, in the second half of my life, is to take that message as a metaphorand concentrate on my inner marriage.”

If you want to hold the Beautiful One, hold yourself to yourself; when you kissthe Beloved, touch your own lips with your own fingers; the beauty of every

woman and every man is your own Beauty…”Rumi

Thank you Robert and Deborah for a delightful, enlightening journey into your Power of Two. See Robert Dilts & Deborah Bacon Dilts lifework at:www.robertdilts.com.

End Notes1 See further Robert Dilts. “Contributor of Note” by Roxanna Erickson Klein. The Mil-

ton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter, Summer 2006, Vol. 26, n. 2; p. 7.

Working together in Avignon, 2015

2 Gabrielle Roth’s concept of the 5 Rhythms® are: flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical andstillness – as ''states of being.” See: http://www.5rhythms.com/.

3 See: https://www.ciee.org/study-abroad/france/paris/critical-french-studies/.

4 Simultaneous interpreting and translation are skills which require sophisticated knowl-edge; full awareness; conscious presence; conscientiousness; ethical posture; reso-nance and connection with the speaker, not to mention being fully bilingual/fullybicultural.

5 See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Potential_Movement.

6 See Deborah’s mini-bio at: http://www.nlpu.com/DBbio.htm.

7 Robert Dilts & Roxanna Erickson Klein: Neuro-Linguistic Programming. In: “Histori-cal Times,” The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter, Summer 2006, Vol. 26,n. 2; p.4.

8 Robert Dilts “My Early History with NLP.” NLP History Project, Part 2, p. 2. J. Grinder& F. Pucelik (eds.) (2013) Origins of Neuro Linguistic Programming. London:Crown House.

9 Robert Dilts “My Early History with NLP,” in NLP History Project; Part 2, pp. 145-169. J. Grinder & F. Pucelik. (eds.) (2013) Origins of Neuro Linguistic Program-ming. London: Crown House Publishing.

10 See full bio at: http://www.nlpca.com/DCweb/robertdilts.html.

11 Kahlil Gibran (1959). The Prophet. New York: Alfred A. Knopf; pp. 15-16.

12 “Ten Commandments for A Conscious, Committed Relationship.” In: J. Zeig & T.Kulbatski (2011). Ten Commandments for Couples: For Every Aspect of Your Rela-tionship Journey. Phoenix, AZ: Zeig, Tucker & Theisen; pp. 11-12.

13 “Building the Foundation of Generative Collaboration” in: (2016) Robert Dilts, Suc-cess Factor Modeling, Vol. II: Generative Collaboration: Harnessing the CreativePower of Collective Intelligence. Santa Cruz, CA: Dilts Strategy Group.

14 Irene Claremont de Castillejo (1973). Knowing Woman. A Feminine Psychology. NewYork: Harper & Row.

continued from page 8TWO

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter10 VOL. 36, NO. 1

ORCA STRAITby Michael F. Hoyt, PhD

My wife, Jennifer, is not a big trav-eler, but she has always wanted to goto Alaska to see the wildlife. So in thesummer of 2015, we signed up withNational Geographic/Lindblad andwent for two wonderful weeks. Jen-nifer is a hospice nurse, and whatmakes the story interesting is that formany years if you asked her how, someday, she would like to die, her answerwas that she would like to be eaten byorcas—those magnificent creaturessometimes called “killer whales,” eventhough they are actually oceanic dol-phins. She had recurring but not fright-ening dreams of a big orca devouringher—she had talked about it severaltimes. And here I was, signing up to bein a two-person kayak in Alaskan wa-ters teeming with orcas with someonewho wants to be eaten alive!

To prepare, we took a one-daykayaking class. For the first week ofthe trip on the Inside Passagecruise/expedition, our cabin was on alower level without an outside deck, sowe could lie in bed and look out thewindow and watch pods of orcasswimming alongside the ship. We alsofrequently went topside to see them.One day, a native guide came aboard.He was a young man who grew up in avillage and on the ice, but also went tocollege for a while in Colorado. Hecame dressed in his native regalia—beads, bear claw, emblems, etc. He toldstories and answered questions. Whenthe orcas and other creatures appearedduring the day, we stood on the deck inthe brisk air as he sang prayers to them.I introduced myself and my wife, andasked him for any reflections from histradition, about the meaning of beingdevoured by an orca. (I also mentionedthe Bible story of Jonah and theWhale.) He thought about it, then saidthe orcas were guardians and protec-tors (hence, the prayers of thanks andsupplication when they appeared), andthat if my wife’s dreams were not vio-lent or frightening, he would under-stand them as positive -- to mean beingwelcomed and protected.

Every day during the week, we gotinto zodiac boats and kayaks, and

sometimes hiked on remote islands.We saw moose and bears, caribou andsea lions, salmon and eagles, hump-back whales and wolves, but didn’thave any dangerous “close encounters”with orcas.

At the end of the week, we got offthe ship and went to Denali NationalPark for a second week of adventure.The first evening at the lodge deep in-side the park, the couple who run thelodge asked each of us in our littlegroup to briefly say something aboutourselves by way of introduction.When my turn came, I said, “Hi! I’mMichael. I’m here with my wife, Jen-nifer. We live in Northern California,near San Francisco. I’m a clinical psy-chologist, and I retired about two yearsago. I’m here to see the wildlife, butI’m really here to watch my wife enjoyherself.”

The next morning in the breakfastroom, the woman who runs the lodgecame up to our table and asked if shemight join us. We welcomed her. Whenshe sat down she said, “Michael, lastnight you said that you’re a psycholo-gist, right?” I replied, “Well, yes, but Iretired two years ago.” And then shesaid: “Well, I’m hoping that maybe youcan help me. I keep having dreamsabout being eaten by orcas.”

My wife and I looked at each other,dumbfounded. (Hey, you can’t makeup stuff like this!!!) Welcome to “TheTwilight Zone!” After stammering abit, we told the woman about Jennifer’sorca dreams. She was astounded. Wealso told her about our understandinggained from the guide on the boat—she found it reassuring and helpful.

Amazing? I think so. The worldsometimes works in mysterious ways.

Commentaryby Eric Greenleaf, PhD

Dr. Erickson would have enjoyedand appreciated the serendipitous in-tersection of old cultures and modernanxieties. The utilization of dream ma-terial in this story is contained in lov-ing, helpful, and curiosity-drivenhuman relationships. Erickson-influ-enced therapy has an eye toward thefuture – to see what happens next – anda desire that, as Dr. Erickson said,

“When you look back, you’d like tosee you’ve left a trail of happiness be-hind you.” The lesson for therapists inthis lovely adventure is to guide theship by connection with others -- thewaves and stars of our lives – and notby the charts of interpretation.

_________________________Michael F. Hoyt, Ph.D., is a fre-

quent presenter at Erickson Foundationconferences. He is the author/editor ofnumerous volumes, including SomeStories are Better than Others; BriefPsychotherapies; Therapist Stories ofInspiration, Passion, and Renewal:What’s Love Got to Do with It?; and(with M. Talmon) Capturing the Mo-ment: Single Session Therapy andWalk-In Services.

Contact: [email protected]

C a s e R e p o r t

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 11

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter12 VOL. 36, NO. 1

A Brief Review of the Key Hypnotic Elements of Milton H. Erickson’s

Handshake TechniqueBy Mark S. Carich, PhD and Mark Becker, MA

Milton H. Erickson was no doubt a master of masters in inducing hypnotic re-sponses for clinical purposes. Dr. Erickson was instrumental in developing a num-ber of indirect hypnotic techniques and strategies, including interpersonal andnonverbal or pantomime tactics (Erickson, 1958, 1964, 1966; Haley, 1967). Onefascinating technique that stands out was the “handshake hypnotic induction tech-nique.” The purpose of this article is to outline the key elements and a procedureof the therapeutic hypnotic handshake induction technique.

What is a Trance Experience?Controversies over the nature and definition of trance phenomena often

involve the contextualized experienced “state” vs. nonstate. The present authorsconsider a trance experience as a contextualized state with multiple levels, ex-pressions, and facets. The central aspect includes an intense focusing and sense ofdetachment (dissociated response). One particular behavior directly associatedwith the handshake technique is the dissociative cataleptic response.

Dissociative Cataleptic ResponseInducing a cataleptic response is the key to the handshake technique. Ed-

gette & Edgette (1995) categorize the handshake technique as a method of induc-ing hypnotic catalepsy. Catalepsy is the induced immobility of various limbs and/orentire body. Edgette & Edgette (1995 p. 173) define catalepsy as, “…immobilityin one or more parts of the body.” Catalepsy has been defined as an involuntarytonicity of the muscles (Kroger, 1977), and a suspension of voluntary movementand condition of well-balanced tonicity (Erickson & Rossi, 1981). Muscles are feltas being in balance and comfortable, neither too tense nor too limp. The client/sub-ject maintains or sustains a suspended state or immobilized position for a long pe-riod of time.

Handshake Technique ProcedureTherapy involves communication within a change-oriented context in which

the therapist engages the client in conversation, forming interactions, which canstart with a simple handshake. This handshake can be utilized to facilitate the hyp-notic elements in these therapeutic conversations.

Erickson and Rossi & Rossi (1976) describe the handshake technique by start-ing with a firm hand grasp, then slightly adjusting the operator’s fingers, creatingmomentary confusion by refocusing the subject’s attention with the different sen-sations felt, as the operator withdraws their hand. As the operator withdraws theirhand, the subject’s habitual framework is interrupted, thus creating a hypnotictouch.

This procedure can be detailed into the following steps:1. Engage with client or subject.2. Gaze into the client’s or subject’s eyes (as part of the initial exchange via eye

contact).3. Slowly reach out to shake or grasp the hand.4. Grasp the client’s hand in a normal handshake.5. Slow the handshake down by pacing and leading the client’s hand during the

clasp.6. Shift the touch and pressure, slowly releasing the handshake.7. Slowly release the hand from the handshake; slide hand away.8. Meanwhile, if/or when speaking, use a slow, smooth, monotone relaxing

voice.

9. Maintain a gaze, looking into the client’s or subject’s eyes, leaving theclient’s hand buoyant, as in arm levitation.

10.Direct the client therapeutically, thus utilizing the outcome.11.If necessary, for reorientation, provide suggestions.A similar process naturally occurs when taking vitals. Carich and Junge (1990)

noticed pantomime hypnotic experiences when taking vitals, particularly pulses.By taking a pulse, for longer than required, the subject’s arm can be suspended inmid-air, forming a cataleptic response. This experience is similar to the handshaketechnique in developing cataleptic responses.

Key ElementsThere are several key hypnotic elements involved in the technique:1. Fixation of attention or refocusing the client’s attention by:

a. Eye gazes.b. Touch and pressure.2. Inducing behavioral suspension or buoyant response (creating a dissociative response).3.Developing a rhythmic pattern during the process, which includes reduced respiratory rate.4. Interrupting the subject’s habitual framework, by refocusing one’s attention on different sensations of the handshake.

A key point while engaging the subject/client, is that the individual’s internalfocus is fixated on some selected stimuli involving the level of pressure of the grip.Slowing down the movement and touch during the clasp can initiate this. Also,during the initial engagement, eye gazes create another source of client fixation.By slowing down the shaking of the subject’s/client’s hand, an arm levitation re-sponse is induced or created, thus leaving the hand/arm buoyant and totally im-mobilized. In some cases, the subject or client may be totally immobilized. Finally,the process entails a rhythmic pattern or integration between the therapist andclient. The depth depends upon several factors or conditions:

1. Context of the interaction.2. Skill and rhythmic pattern of the operator.3. Level of receptivity and responsiveness of the client.This is a form of an informal, indirect technique, in which the hypnotic sug-

gestion or induction is delivered through the interaction manifested in the hand-shake.

The authors further recommend discovering nonverbal touch situations ineveryday life, whereby one can utilize and help the subject fix and focus attentioninwardly.

ConclusionMilton H. Erickson was a brilliant therapist and hypnotist who provided dif-

ferent ways, including the handshake technique, to induce and create trance-liketherapeutic experiences. In his handshake technique, he utilized the client’s re-sponses and behavior to further enhance hypnotic responses and therapeutic ex-periences. He used his ability to notice minimal cues or define moments ofresponses and receptivity, and he learned to access these movements to facilitatethe hypnotic handshake technique.

There are a number of applications of the handshake technique, ranging fromenhancing rapport to inducing calming responses to relaxation. Upon inducinghypnotic responses, several paths can be taken. Therapeutic messages can be in-terspersed in the moment. Other ways include bypassing “resistant” responses, orclient goal inhibitory responses, creating a window of client receptivity.

T h e o r e t i c a l l y S p e a k i n g

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 13

ReferencesCarich, M.S. & Junge (1990). Pulse-Rate Rapid Hypnotic Injection. The Ameri-

can Society of Clinical Hypnosis Newsletter, 31 (2), October, p.2.Edgette, J.H. & Sasson-Edgette, J. (1995) The handbook of Hypnotic Phenomena

in Psychotherapy. New York: W.W. Norton, C.C.Erickson, M. Naturalistic techniques of hypnosis. American Journal of Clinical

Hypnosis, 1958, 1, 3-8.Erickson, M. Pantomime techniques in hypnosis and the implications. American

Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, 1964, 7, 65-70. (a)Erickson, M. The interspersal hypnotic technique for symptom correction and

pain control. American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, 1966, 8, 198-209. (b)Erickson, M. H., Rossi, E. L., & Rossi, S. I. (1976). Hypnotic Realities: The In-

duction of Clinical Hypnosis & Forms of Indirect Suggestions. N.Y.: Irving-ton: New York

Erickson, M. H. & Rossi, E.L. (1981). Experiencing hypnosis. NY: Irvington.Haley, J. (Ed.) (1967). Advanced technique of hypnosis and therapy. NY: Grune &

Stratton.Kroger, W. (1977). Clinical & Experimental Hypnosis. Philadelphia, PA.: Lip-

pincott.

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I am increasingly wary of any explanation of the human condition, and prefer to honor the innately

mysterious experience of being alive.

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter14 VOL. 36, NO. 1

I n T h e S p i r i t o f T h e r a p y

Rob McNeilly, MBBSInterviewed by John D. Lentz, D. Min

For a decade, Rob McNeilly,MBBS, maintained a general medicalpractice in suburban Melbourne, Aus-tralia. He had the privilege of learningdirectly from Milton Erickson and wasinspired by Erickson’s humanistic ap-proach to therapy. This prompted Mc-Neilly to create his own approach toassist clients in a respectful, dignifiedway with the human dilemmas that af-fect individuals, couples, and families.

In 1988, McNeilly founded theCenter of Effective Therapy (CET) andthe Milton H. Erickson Institute of Tas-mania to introduce in Australia Erick-sonian hypnosis and thesolution-oriented approach to hypno-sis, counseling, and coaching. Formore than 30 years, he has contributedthrough his teaching style, writing, andunique approach to learning and ther-apy, which allows for a ready applica-tion to everyday life. McNeilly hasbeen recognized locally, nationally,and internationally, and since 1980 hasbeen invited numerous times to be apresenter at the Milton H. EricksonFoundation’s International Congressesin the U.S. Since 1999, he has been in-vited to present workshops in Singa-pore, Tokyo, Denmark, Brazil,Helsinki, the UK, and the Czech Re-public.

Students often comment on Mc-Neilly’s easy, respectful manner andhis elegant ability to make complex is-sues approachable.

McNeilly is coauthor with JennyBrown of, Healing with Words. Hisbook, Healing the Whole Person, orig-inally published by Wiley, was repub-lished as Doing Change by St Luke’sInnovative Resources, and CrownHouse has published a DVD series ofhis demonstrations with counselingand hypnosis.

John Lentz: Your work has beendescribed as elegant, in that it is sorespectful to the people you areworking with, and demonstrates realtalent as you weave togetherstrengths the person has with whatthey are wanting to improve. How

do you think of your work, or thework of psychotherapy, as beingspiritual?

Rob McNeilly: I like HumbertoMaturana’s description of spiritualityas an expansion of awareness. Spiritualexperiences always happen when wereally see the beauty of a sunset or theface of someone whom we love, orsense something greater than our indi-vidual self. When someone is suffer-ing, I help them to expand theirawareness to connect with the re-sources they have within themselves,and also to become more aware of thepresence of others and nature. I noticethat when this happens -- when some-one allows that connection --there isoften a strong emotion, which I callbeing “touched,” or “moved.” I like toremind myself that the “psycho” inpsychotherapy is from the Greek psy-che or “soul,” not “mind,” so it is spir-itual rather than intellectual.

JL: It sounds like you are help-ing the person to recognize that theywere and are okay, by expandingtheir awareness of the strengths theyalready possess. Is this correct?

RM: It’s more like helping some-one to be present in the big picture, byexpanding their awareness beyond the“petty pace” and smallness of anydilemma that we humans find our-selves in. I notice that when we havethis expansive experience, it’s as if wedissolve and become part of a largerwhole. This seems to lead to a feelingof lightness, like Heidegger’s lichtung,

so any problem merges with the back-ground instead of fully occupying themesmerizing foreground, becomingpart of the totality rather than being thetotality. For me, this expansion ofawareness is primary, and the connec-tion with strengths and abilities that wehave follows.

When I’m with a client and thishappens, they can catch this moodfrom me. And when a client has thisexperience of expansion, some of theirexperience radiates to me and we bothbegin to glow.

JL: You display an uncanny abil-ity to truly listen to people so thatthey feel as if they’ve been heard. Isthis part of the glow that you are giv-ing back? Or, are you inviting thatglow?

RM: If I expand my awareness toinclude the client by doing the best Ican to put aside my thoughts, ideas,feelings, and agenda, and really listento not only what they are saying, butalso to who they are -- their beliefs,wishes, hopes and concerns --there is amerging with each other. And in thisshared spiritual space, the magic hap-pens…except when it doesn’t, ofcourse.

JL: In one of your videos youweave the client’s positive associa-tions into a metaphor where you as-sociate their strengths with theproblem. It seems as if it would havethe effect of causing the person tospontaneously recognize that theyhave more strengths than they real-ized, feeling as if they could solve theproblem. Was that your intent?

RM: Fernando Flores said thatselling is revealing someone’s blind-ness. When they see it, they buy it. I

like to think of my work as “sellingwater by the river.” We can be so ab-sorbed in our tunnel vision view of ourexperience that we don’t see the“river.” If we can help someone to seeit, they have access to it, and then real-ize that it was there all along -- only itwas overlooked, transparent, and un-appreciated. I see it as a process of dis-closing -- of uncovering somethingpresent but hidden, and at the sametime created. That may seem conflict-ual, but it doesn’t feel that way. We’veall had the experience of suffering overwhat we considered an unsolvabledilemma -- until we find a solution.And then we reflect that the solutionwas obvious, and we even feel embar-rassed that we didn’t see it earlier. It’sjust a part of the human experience --an ordinary everyday experience ofspirituality patiently waiting for us toopen our awareness to its presence.

JL: What are some of the otherways that you view psychotherapy asbeing a spiritual experience?

RM: I see my work as being moreclosely connected with the spiritualpractices of formal religions andshamanistic practices than scientificexplanations and technical treatmentsI am increasingly wary of any expla-nation of the human condition, andprefer to honor the innately mysteriousexperience of being alive. Classifica-tions and treatment with techniques areperfect for dealing with cars, washingmachines, and computers…but forhuman beings? I don’t think so. Ourbeautifully intricate complexities defydissection and explanation, and invitewonder and appreciation.

JL: Thank you for sharing yourperspective.

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Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication in Psychotherapy

By Gill Westland

W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.2015

ISBN 978-0-393-70924-7291 pages

Reviewed by John D. Lentz, D. Min, Shepherdsville, KY

Gill Westland has created a marvelous and useful book about the two majorforms of communication in psychotherapy: verbal and nonverbal. The author’stake on nonverbal communication is beyond the usual approaches and is not ex-plained in NLP, or any other book on nonverbal communication that I’ve read.

The book is comprised of nine chapters, a glossary, and 20 pages of references,as well as many clinical observations. Westland begins by describing how the brainworks, and the predominate theories about how babies communicate. She then ex-plains how those forms of communication also work well with adults.

Perhaps this unique treatment of nonverbal communication comes from theauthor’s background; she began her career as a body psychotherapist. Or, maybeit’s because she has a radically different perspective, but she is clearly teaching anapproach that can turbo charge psychotherapy. For example, she takes note of thedifference between living and dead metaphors! Another concept that she discussesis the different signature breathing patterns that occur as a result of the type ofchildhood attachment.

Westland backs up what she says with science. And it’s good that she does sobecause Chapter 7 deals with a fuller expression of emotions through what sherefers to as “vegetotherapy.” Essentially, this intervention is a form of inviting theclient to allow or recognize how his/her body is communicating -- through mus-cle tightness, body posture, and breathing style. The purpose is to elevate aware-ness of the body to the person’s conscious awareness. There are phases to“vegetotherapy” that are more complicated than simple awareness. It’s a processthe author invites people to go through so that they become more aware, and alsoalter their feelings by changing bodily awareness of sensations.

Chapter 8 addresses the therapist’s use of touch with clients. While Westlandsides with prohibition against touching, she has a caveat: she recommends thattherapists be trained in how to communicate with the use of touch. She also ac-knowledges that more therapists use touch than they admit to professionally, andmaintains that the issue isn’t as straightforward as it might appear. For instance, shesays, “Touch has a role in energetic, physiological, and affect regulation and inhealing.” (p 224) She assumes therapists will exercise restraint and be profession-ally appropriate, and offers ways in which to touch a client that can have a pow-erful impact.

In the final chapter, “Using Creative Media for Expression,” the author offerspossibilities for altering clients’ healing experiences using various forms of ex-pression, such as writing, sculpture, and sound. Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication in Psychotherapy offers the author’s

personal insight and wisdom and knowledge from myriad sources. The result is acreative and useful book.

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 15

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter16 VOL. 36, NO. 1

DATE TITLE / LOCATION / LEADER CONTACTS

2016

5/12-15 Couples Conference / San Francisco, CA / Invited Faculty 1.

5/21-22 Advanced Workshop in Ericksonian Psychotherapy / Hong Kong / Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D. 2.

5/25-29 Coaching / Guangzhou, CHINA / Zeig 3.

6/1-5 Coaching / Beijing, CHINA / Zeig 4.

6/16-18 Ericksonian Brief Therapy / Rennes, FRANCE / Zeig 5.

6/23-25 Utilization Approaches to Therapy / Toulouse, FRANCE / Zeig 6.

7/11-15 Intensive Training in Ericksonian Approaches to Brief Hypnotic Psychotherapy - Fundamental / Phoenix, Ariz. / Brent B. Geary, Ph.D., Zeig, Lilian Borges, M.A., LPC 1.

7/18-22 Intensive Training in Ericksonian Approaches to Brief Hypnotic Psychotherapy - Intermediate / Phoenix, Ariz. / Geary, Zeig, Borges 1.

7/25-29 Intensive Training in Ericksonian Approaches to Brief Hypnotic Psychotherapy - Advanced / Phoenix, Ariz. / Geary, Zeig, Borges 1.

8/1-4 Phoenix Master Class / Phoenix, Ariz. / Zeig, Invited Presenters 1.

8/14-21 Master Class and International Hypnosis Workshop / Mexico City, MEXICO / Zeig 7.

9/8-11 Dental Hypnosis / Berlin, GERMANY / Zeig 8.

9/ 12-15 Master Class in Brief Psychotherapy / Vienna, AUSTRIA / Zeig 9.

9/16-17 Advanced Techniques in Psychotherapy / Rottweil, GERMANY / Zeig 8.

10/2-6 Metaphors Inspired by Nature: Ericksonian Psychotherapy Outdoors (Expedition) / La Paz Baja California Sur, MEXICO Master Matilde Cervantes Navarrete (Founder Erickson Institute La Paz), Lela Sankeralli (Eco Educator) 10.

10/17-21 Intensive Training in Ericksonian Approaches to Brief Hypnotic Psychotherapy - Fundamental / Phoenix, Ariz. / Geary, Zeig, Borges 1.

10/24-28 Intensive Training in Ericksonian Approaches to Brief Hypnotic Psychotherapy - Intermediate / Phoenix, Ariz. / Geary, Zeig, Borges 1.

10/29-11/1 Phoenix Master Class / Phoenix, Ariz. / Zeig, Invited Presenters 1.

11/10-13 Intensive Supervision Workshop in Ericksonian Clinical Hypnotherapy - Master Class / New York City, NY / Zeig 11.

11/16-17 Masters of Therapy / Cologne, GERMANY / Zeig 12.

11/19-20 Utilization Approaches to Therapy / Bad Lippspringe, GERMANY / Zeig 13.

12/8-11 Brief Therapy Conference / San Diego, Calif / Invited Faculty 1.

Contact Information:1) The Milton H. Erickson Foundation: 2632 E Thomas Rd, Ste 200, Phoenix,

AZ 85016 6500; Tel, 602-956-6196; Fax, 602-956-0519; Email, [email protected] ; Web, www.erickson-foundation.org;

Intensive Training Program & Master Class: www.erickson-foundation.org/training

Couples Conference: www.CouplesConference.com

Brief Therapy Conference: www.BriefTherapyConference.com

2) For information: Email, [email protected]

3) For information: Email, [email protected]

4) For information: Email, [email protected]

5) For information: Email, [email protected]

6) For information: Email, [email protected]

7) For information: Email, [email protected]

8) For information: Email, [email protected]

9) For information: Email, [email protected]

10)For information or to reserve a place on the expedition contact:Lela Sankeralli, Tel (250) 655-1915; Email: [email protected]; Website:www.panterra.com; Mail, 9601 Sixth Street, Sidney, BC, Canada, V8L 2W1Or contact Matilde Cervantes, Instituto Milton H Erickson La Paz, Email:[email protected]

11) For information: Email, Stacey Moore: [email protected]

12) For information: Email, [email protected]

13) For information: Email, www.hypnose-dgh.de

To submit a listing for Upcoming Trainings please send dates, title of workshop, venue(city/state/country), list of presenters, and complete contact information ONLY. Informationmust be sent in the format above. A $25 fee per listing is required. Deadline for the 2016Summer/Fall Issue (mailed August) is June 3, 2016. All workshop submissions are subjectto approval by the Erickson Foundation. For more information, please contact Karen Hav-iley: [email protected] Online Ad Rates/Specifications at: www.erickson-foundation.org

Join The Conversationon Facebook and Twitter!

UPCOMING TRAINING

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 17

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation

NEWSLETTERFor Advertising Rates visit www.Erickson-Foundation.org

CONFERENCE NOTES

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, along with the Couples Institute of Menlo Park, will sponsor The Couples Conference: Attachment, Differentiation & Neuro-science in Couples Therapy, May 13-15, 2016. The conference will be held at the Hyatt Regency San Francisco Airport. Faculty include: Ellyn Bader, Helen Fisher, DianeHeller, Pat Love, Rick Miller Esther Perel, Terry Real, Stan Tatkin, Dan Siegel, and Scott Woolley. A Law & Ethics pre-workshop also will be presented by Steven Frankel.

For complete information and to register visit the conference website: www.CouplesConference.com or contact the Erickson Foundation, Email, [email protected] ; Tel, 602-956-6196; Fax, 602-956-0519; Mail, 2632 E Thomas Road, Suite 200, Phoenix, AZ 85016.

The 9th Biennial International Meaning Conference: Spirituality, Self-Transcendence, and Second-Wave Positive Psychology, will be held July 28-31, 2016 at theNovotel Toronto North York Hotel in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The conference offers keynotes, breakout sessions, pre-conference workshops, and evening events.Keynote speakers include Robert Neimeyer, Michael Steger, Mick Cooper, Carol Ryff, Clara E. Hill, and many more. Pre-conference workshop topics will cover Mind-fulness Programs in Positive Psychology, Integrative Trauma-Informed Treatment, Emergence Coaching, Meaning-Centered Psychotherapy for Advanced Cancer Pa-tients, Applying the Science of Happiness to Daily Life and more.

For a complete list of speakers, workshop topics, registration and hotel reservations visit: http://meaning.ca/conference/ or contact International Network on PersonalMeaning, 13 Ballyconnor Court, Toronto, ON Canada M2M 4C5; Tel, 416-546-5588; Email, [email protected].

The APA Annual Convention will be held August 4-7, 2016 in Denver, Colorado. For complete information contact: The American Psychological Association, 750First St. NE, Washington, DC 20002-4242; Tel: (800) 374-2721; (202) 336-5500; TDD/TTY: (202) 336-6123;

Web, http://apa.org/convention/index.aspx

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) is sponsoring their annual convention September 15-18, 2016 in Indianapolis, IN. Sessionsand workshops will be announced soon. For information contact AAMFT, 112 South Alfred Street Alexandria, VA 22314-3061; Tel, (703) 838-9808; Fax, (703) 838-9805; Web, www.AAMFT.org

The Society for Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis (SCEH) is holding the 67th Annual Workshops and Scientific Program: The Future of Clinical and ExperimentalHypnosis in the Era of Healthcare Reform, October 6-10, 2016. The meeting will take place at the Hilton Boston/Dedham (Dedham, MA) and nearby William JamesCollege (Newton, MA). SCEH offers introductory, intermediate and advanced level workshops and include demonstrations and/or practica or other experiential com-ponents led by leaders in the field. For complete information contact SCEH, web: http://www.sceh.us/2016-conference; Email, [email protected]; Tel, 617-744-9857; Mail,305 Commandants Way, Commoncove Suite 100, Chelsea, MA 02150-4057. 305 Commandants Way, Commoncove Suite 100, Chelsea, MA 02150-4057.

The Brief Therapy Conference, sponsored by The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, will be held December 8-11, 2016 in San Diego, California. Current faculty in-clude: Connirae Andreas, Steven Frankel, Stephen Gilligan, John Gottman, Harriet Lerner, Lynn Lyons, Cloe Madanes, John Norcross, Scott Miller, Bill O’Hanlon, Chris-tine Padesky, Erving Polster, Wendel Ray, Ernest Rossi, Kathryn Rossi, Ronald Siegel, Stan Tatkin, Michele Weiner-Davis, Reid Wilson, Michael Yapko, and JeffreyZeig.

More information including online registration (opening May 2016) at www.BriefTherapyConference.com or contact the Erickson Foundation, Email, [email protected] ; Tel, 602-956-6196; Fax, 602-956-0519; Mail, 2632 E Thomas Road, Suite 200, Phoenix, AZ 85016.

The XIV European Society of Hypnosis (ESH) Congress will be held August 23-26, 2017 in Manchester, United Kingdom. Hosted by the British Society of Clini-cal and Academic Hypnosis (BSCAH). Information about the Congress will be updated and available on the Congress website: www.esh-hypnosis.eu

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter18 VOL. 36, NO. 1

Using Hypnosis with Children: Creatingand Delivering Effective Interventions

By Lynn Lyons

W.W. Norton &Company, Inc.Copyright Lynn Lyons 2015ISBN 978-0-393-70899-8

386 pages

Reviewed by John D. Lentz D., Min, Shepherdsville, KY

Using Hypnosis with Children, by Lynn Lyons, is comprised of 11 chaptersthat cover the basics of working with children and using hypnosis for a wide rangeof problems. Chapter One begins with a discussion of why hypnosis should beused with children. In Chapter Two, the author addresses concrete concepts, suchas developing responsiveness, using scripts, and the role of development in work-ing with young clients. Chapter Three emphasizes how to enhance the benefits ofhypnotic communication, beginning with the client’s first session. Chapter Fourguides therapists in their chosen direction using targets and frames, and ChapterFive demonstrates how to perform a session with those goals in mind.

The following chapters are on applications of hypnosis. Chapter Six deals withanxiety; Chapter Seven, depression; Chapter Eight, pain, illness, and medical pro-cedures; Chapter Nine, sleep problems; Chapter Ten, bringing in parents as allies;and Chapter Eleven demonstrates how to open your senses to skillfully utilize hyp-nosis with children. The book includes a glowing Foreword by Michael Yapko,and also an appendix, references, and index.

Lyons has compiled a reference book that many will be consulting for years tocome. And if her effective strategies don’t win you over, then the amazing list ofpeople whom she cites will. She doesn’t simply serve up someone else’s words, butshows respect for her sources, while demonstrating her own well-founded meth-ods.

Lyons is also incredibly well versed in utilization, and she takes it to an artform. Her examples masterfully demonstrate how to utilize whatever children bringto the session, in order to take them a step closer to their goals. Her examples arecreative and wise. I love the way her mind works.

This is a readable book that offers ideas that are practical, useful, and well-conceived. For example, Lyon’s ideas on how to introduce flexibility to anxious pa-tients, are indirect, subtle, and elegant. Her work with depressed patients isinsightful, practical, and caring. And, she, of course, uses parts work and dissoci-ation to assist people, but it is her utilization skills that are most impressive. It’s asif she has a steel mindset, and believing in her patients allows her to draw from hervast experience and present options that dramatically change the meaning, con-text, or state of the problem.

While there are other good books on hypnosis and working with children, thisbook is a must-read because the author’s voice is so powerful and comforting. It’sas if you’re consulting a friend who is extremely knowledgeable and believes inyou unconditionally. This book offers myriad options that provide wisdom andpractical methods. I not only recommend Using Hypnosis with Children, I will useit to teach students about the art of utilization.

B o o k R e v i e w Unwrapped: Integrative Therapy withGay Men…the Gift of Presence

By Rick Miller, LICSW

Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc.Phoenix, Arizona, 2015ISBN: 978-1-934442-50-0

205 pages

Review by Susan Pinco, PhD, LCSW

With its lyrical use of language and powerful metaphors, Unwrapped, by RickMiller, engages the reader in a journey -- a journey that takes you into the heart ofwhat it’s like for gay men to navigate the complexities of growing up, and facethe challenges of their relationships with families, communities, and themselves.

The book begins with a discussion of why psychotherapy with gay men is itsown category. Shame is the hallmark of gay existence, and unlike other minoritygroups there is no assumed support from one’s family. These, and other factors,often lead gay boys to grow up dissociated from their bodies. Miller invites read-ers to join him on his personal journey as a gay man, as he discovers the power ofexperiential therapy tailored to gay men, delivered within the context of Erick-sonian hypnosis.

In Chapter One, “All is Well…and It Isn’t,” Miller introduces readers to Alex,and takes us through the process he used to engage this client in developing a stateof relaxation. As the story demonstrates, experiential work, focused and amplifiedby the innovative hypnosis scripts Miller provides, allows gay men to befriendtheir bodies.

Chapter Two, “Experiential Therapy -- A Transformational Approach,” pro-vides scripts for enhancing body awareness and offering a secure place, althoughMiller reminds us that scripts should be used only for inspiration, rather than assomething to be recited.

Chapter Three, “Growing Up Gay: Then and Now,” examines boyhood andadulthood for gay males. Again, the reader is introduced to several men and Millerdemonstrates ways to work with the problems they bring from childhood and is-sues they have as adults. The chapter ends with a list of things that will help withshame and attachment issues and ways to increase self-acceptance.

Chapter Four, “The Therapy Relationship: Experience Expansion -- ExpandExperience,” focuses on the challenges and opportunities inherent in being a gaymale therapist with a gay male client, and then contrasts that to being a hetero-sexual male or female therapist with a gay male client.

Chapter Five, “The Myth of the Urban Gay Man,” describes gay men’s strug-gle to meet the dictates of internalized societal norms and to conform to the normsof the gay community.

Chapters 6 and 7 address sex and problems related to sex. In addition to casevignettes and scripts, Miller offers a series of questions that we can utilize to morefully understand our client’s relationship to sex and intimacy.

Chapter Eight, “The Shadow of HIV,” explores the changing impact of the dis-ease from the ‘70s to today. Chapter Nine, aptly entitled, “No Room in Heaven: Re-ligion,” focuses on how religion and family are closely bound, and offers questionsto ask a client to help illuminate issues related to this realm. Chapter Ten, “AgingWell,” looks at the unique challenges gay men face as they age. Chapter Eleven,“Moving Forward: A Generative Life,” offers possibilities for gay men to enrichtheir lives.

All the chapters in this excellent book follow the same template: presentationof concepts, vignettes to illustrate the key points, and scripts to address the core issues.

I can’t say enough good things about this book. I am a straight, white femaleof a certain age who is well versed in mindfulness, experiential psychotherapy,and Ericksonian hypnosis, and I have successfully worked with numerous gay menover the years. Yet, I continued to be delighted throughout this groundbreakingbook, as new insights, information, and ideas were presented.

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She doesn’t simply serve up someone else’s words,but shows respect for her sources, while

demonstrating her own well-founded methods.

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Additionally, both same and opposite sex couples were treated equally, demonstrating that both types of couples have similar issues with communication and intimacy, and

a therapist must be sensitive.

The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 19

10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples TherapyBy Julie Schwartz Gottman and John M. Gottman

W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.2015

ISBN978-0-393-70835-6258 pages

Reviewed by John D. Lentz D., Min, Shepherdsville, KY

If you enjoy seeing the Gottmans as presenters, you will love their most recentbook, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. Extraordinary therapistsand gifted researchers, it’s as if you can hear the authors’ voices emanate from thetext.

With a Foreword by Dan Siegel, this book is easy to read, while also provid-ing useful concepts and a formula that works. The authors even include lists ofthings to do in order to restore the magic in a couples’ relationship.

Each of the 10 chapters explore a principle for working with couples. Theseprinciples range from advocating research-based methods, to delving deep to cre-ate shared meaning; in between, are the steps. Principle two is assessment to informthe treatment. The third principle describes how to understand a partner’s innerworld, and principle four helps map a treatment route. The fifth principle addresseshow couples can calm themselves before engaging in dialogue, and the sixth prin-ciple offers an approach to process regrettable past incidents. Principle seven pro-vides replacements for the Four Horsemen: criticism contempt, defensiveness, and

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stonewalling – and offers ways in which to build more compassionate and em-pathic conflict management skills. The eighth principle is about friendship and in-timacy. In the ninth principle, the authors offer their perspective on suspendingmoral judgment when dealing with affairs.

I especially liked the Gottman’s honest disclosure that not all couples whocame to them went away with a wonderful relationship. I also appreciated the re-ality of discourse with the couples in the many transcripts from therapy sessions,whether magic was created or thwarted. Additionally, both same and opposite sexcouples were treated equally, demonstrating that both types of couples have simi-lar issues with communication and intimacy, and a therapist must be sensitive.

The authors graciously give credit to those whose work they built upon or in-corporated in the book.

There is a lot packed into this 258-page book, including a recommended read-ing list, and index. Of course, I recommend this book. It can be used as a resourceguide, as well as one that offers immediate tools for working with clients. The re-search-based wisdom will no doubt become standardized knowledge because ofhow applicable it is for clinical work.

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter20 VOL. 36, NO. 1

Essential Psychopathology & Its Treatment

Mark D. Kilgus

Jerrold S. Maxmen

Nicholas G. Ward

Norton2016

ISBN 978-0-393-71064-9

Reviewed by Maria Escalante de Smith, MA, Cedar Rapids, IA

Essential Psychopathology & Its Treatment is a comprehensive review of theDSM – the textbook on modern psychiatric diagnosis and treatment. It includes thelatest findings from neurochemistry, psychopharmacology, and genetics. This bookimmediately caught my attention as I read about the case of Amy, a woman whohad undergone a mastectomy, then became withdrawn from family and friends asshe developed depression and insomnia. The book explains the purpose of makinga diagnosis -- to define and understand structure, and to determine the best courseof treatment for the client.

One of the interesting features about this book is that the author includes his-torical references about the DSM-I and its evolution, beginning in 1952 when theAmerican Psychiatric Association first created the diagnostic categories. Since thediagnoses in DSM-1 were loosely defined, DSM-II was created. Today, there is theDSM-V, the latest version of this manual.

The “Seven Steps for Psychiatric Diagnosis” is useful for both novice and ex-pert clinicians because it guides them in reaching an accurate diagnosis. Collect-ing data, addressed in Chapter 2, is part of the assessment and should be drawnfrom many sources in order to reach a diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment proto-col.

Chapter 3, “Diagnosis and Prognosis,” features a table that summarizes theICD and DSM Diagnostic Categories of Mental Disorders. It includes conditionssuch as neurocognitive disorders, characterized by deficits in cognitive function-ing that are acquired. These deficits are present in many mental disorders, includ-ing schizophrenia.

Chapter 4, “Etiology,” made me reflect as I read, “to speak of ‘the’ cause of amental disorder is rather naïve,” (p. 88) because there are multiple factors in cau-sation, such as predisposition, a cascade of gene expression, or biological trans-formations.

Chapter 6, “Psychopharmacology,” begins with an interesting question: “Howdoes the brain, through physical and neurochemical processes, give rise to per-ception, memory and thought?” (p. 144) In this chapter, there is the story of Luna,a woman who developed depression and anxiety after she unexpectedly lost herhusband. The authors explain that when this happens, the neurotransmitters -- nor-epinephrine and serotonin -- are most affected. This chapter also addresses how

neurotransmission occurs through synapses, and lists neurotransmitters that havean effect on perception, motor activity, sensation, emotion, attention, and cognition.

Chapter 8, “Legal, Ethical, and Multicultural Issues,” explains how the spe-cific aspects of psychiatric practice are regulated by the law. Basic topics are ad-dressed, such as informed consent for psychiatric treatment, surrogatedecision-making, and admission and treatment of minors. Delicate issues are alsodiscussed in this chapter, for example, “Involuntary Hospitalization,” “Confiden-tiality,” and “Competency to Stand Trial.”

In Section II, there is information about conditions included in DSM-V. Chap-ter 10covers neurocognitive disorders (delirium, dementia and amnesia), whereanxiety and fear are common. It is interesting to see how the authors not only focuson the medical aspect of the treatment, but also provide psychosocial interven-tions.

Many of the chapters include vignettes about the different disorders. This isuseful because it helps readers better understand what happens when a conditionoccurs.

This is an excellent book that thoroughly covers the history and purpose of theDSM. I highly recommend it.

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When All Else Fails: Some New and SomeOld Tools for Doing Brief Therapy

Rubin Battino, MS

Crown House Publishing Limited, UK2015

ISBN: 9781845908942193 pages

Reviewed by David L Hargis, PhD, McKinney, Texas

Rubin Battino’s most recent book, When All Else Fails, is a collection of mus-ings about a variety of topics. It is an easy read and supports much that experi-enced therapists already know, while offering new perspectives. For the novice, thebook provides tantalizing tidbits that spark interest.

The book is divided into three parts and 30 chapters. Each chapter covers onetopic. In Part I – “Ideas, Approaches, and Concerns,” Battino first addresses basicideas of rapport and alliance, and then presents ideas on the use of dreams, poetry,chatting, healing language, and more. He covers a wide range of topics fromspecifics, such as structured writing and workbooks, to a chapter on what is im-portant in life. There is also a chapter on the dilemma of touch in therapy and eyemovement approaches. In Part II – “Alternative Approaches to Therapy,” Battinopresents a number of theoretical approaches and modalities. Many of these arewell established; others are more recent. He includes popular approaches, such asgestalt, bioenergetics, NLP, encounter groups, psychodrama, narrative therapy, so-lution-focused therapy, and hypnosis. He also discusses ideomotor-signaling andreframing. Part III – “When All Else Fails, What’s Next?” describes Battino’s writ-ing of the book.

Battino’s years of experience shine through brilliantly in this book. Along withlearning new things, I also gained deeper insight into what I already knew. Read-ing this book provides the sense of what it might be like to converse with Battinoabout mutual interests. However, because a lot of topics are covered in this shortbook, none are written about in-depth, and I was often left wanting more. Yet, I en-joyed reading about each topic as an independent nugget.

Near the end of the book, Battino writes about discovering years ago that therewere many published therapists with whom he was unfamiliar. He wondered howhe had missed them. That was my reaction in reading Battino’s book – I am leftwith wanting more from this innovative, skilled practitioner.

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...there is the story of Luna, a woman whodeveloped depression and anxiety after sheunexpectedly lost her husband. The authors

explain that when this happens, theneurotransmitters -- norepinephrine and

serotonin -- are most affected.

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter VOL. 36, NO. 1 21

B o o k R e v i e wNeurobiology and the Development

of Human Morality: Evolution, Culture, and Wisdom

By Darcia Narvaez

W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.2014

ISBN 978-0-393-70655-0397 pages

Reviewed by John D. Lentz, D., Min, Shepherdsville, KY

If seminaries made Darcia Narvaez’s most recent book, Neurobiology and theDevelopment of Human Morality, required reading, preaching in this countrywould dramatically change. This book not only offers a contrasting perspectivebetween morality and will power, but also provides sensible and practical ways tohelp others make enduring change. Narvaez discusses how early childhood at-tachment is a formative period for developing interpersonal skills, self-regulation,and a sense of morality. She maintains that morality concerns how a person per-ceives the world, and that their inflamed amygdala is most likely a result of theirexperiences, beliefs, and self-talk. Will power, as well as what a person knowsabout right and wrong, has little influence over the intensity of perceptions whenthey are fueled by fear. When people feel threatened, their thinking becomes cor-rupted. Despite the fact that Narvaez is not a therapist, options are revealed throughthe facts and science that she presents.

The book is comprised of 12 chapters and includes an appendix, afterword,index, suggested reading, notes, and references. The author describes what shecalls “Triune Ethics,” and opines that people have three basic global brain states

from which our morality stems: Safety, Engagement, and Imagination. Safety ethics are triggered by immediate threat, and may stem from early child-

hood trauma, resulting in the lack of ability to self-soothe. Engagement ethics areconnections in the present. These ethics are about being involved with someoneelse, which influences what we think and decide. Imagination ethics include aneven wider perspective that utilizes the imagination to expand beyond the unitaryself, extending outward to the community. A person with a well-functioning frontallobe may be able to perceive ethics from a more comprehensive perspective andwill most likely have the ability to override mild fear, or the effects of a threaten-ing individual.

Narvaez offers so much material and information about the types of moralitythat I felt a bit overwhelmed. But then I realized that the information she offers wasexactly what I had experienced while working for many years at a women’s prison.Understanding how each form of morality relates to the others and to early nur-turing offers a sense of continuity. Narvaez concisely spells out the steps for heal-ing and recovery, and I found myself devising ways to assist others to move beyonda stuck place of morality.

By compiling so much information in a readable form, Narvaez offers thera-pists a wonderful gift. I recommend this book because it provides compelling anduseful information in dealing with clients.

Safety ethics are triggered by immediate threat,and may stem from early childhood trauma,resulting in the lack of ability to self-soothe.

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter22 VOL. 36, NO. 1

The Beginner’s MindThe Complete Works of Milton H. Erickson

Volume 5 – Classical Hypnotic Phenomena, Part 1

Erickson Foundation Press

Review by Richard Hill, MA, MEd, MBMSc, DPC, Sydney, Australia

Classical Hypnotic Phenomena begins a two-volume investigation of the phe-nomenology of hypnotherapy, which has been extensively developed in recentyears by Jeffrey Zeig. This volume is the foundational work from Erickson andincludes his papers from the 1930s and ‘40s, and several from the ‘60s and ‘70s;it is supported by current updates from Ernest Rossi and others. Similar to the othervolumes, there is rich use of detailed case studies.

In this volume, subjects range from amnesia to dual personality, but the recur-ring concept is the functional presence of the unconscious in the process of ther-apy. In the Preface we are reminded of how Erickson sought to “…allowserendipity in the form of spontaneous unconscious responses to manifest them-selves.” (p.xi) And, that the “…characterization of hypnosis as a process of ‘ma-nipulation and control’ is a caricature of what is more often in actual practice aprocess of ‘hope and seek.’” (p.1)

In Part I, Erickson investigates amnesia. At first, I considered some examplesto be just temporary memory loss, but it became clear to me that the inability to re-member at a given time can have important implications and revelations about aclient. In Chapter 3, Erickson shares an intriguing story about a dog who was taughta set of tricks, but was unable to perform those tricks outside of the house basement(p.25). This same phenomena is discussed later (Chapter 4) in the case of a clientwho, after a carefully placed suggestion, was unable to recall going into trance, oreven attending his appointment, until he entered Erickson’s office. While in thewaiting room, he was amnesic of his experience. This leads to the extraordinaryevent of the man walking backwards out of the office, trying to resist the “out ofoffice” amnesia, only to be startled to find himself walking backwards into thewaiting room for no apparent reason (p.35-37). We have all had the experience ofwalking into a room with some intent purpose, but once in the room, having no rec-ollection of that purpose.

These examples demonstrate that conscious awareness can vary in relation tocontext -- be it environmental, emotional, or temporal -- and produce a uniquememory set, or, equally, amnesia set. Rossi called this, “state -- dependent mem-ory, learning, and behavior.” That Erickson was considering these phenomenanearly 80 years ago is inspiring.

Part II investigates “literalness,” where Erickson and Rossi discuss how con-sciousness can often protect the neurosis, which “…means consciousness is in aweak position relative to the forces of neurosis, and it [consciousness] needs help.”(p.76) Part III addresses age regression, and Part IV, automatic writing. In Chap-ter 12, Erickson describes a small meeting of college people, and he claims “…peo-ple could perform an act consciously…but which could have another unconsciousmeaning.” (p.127) The concept was effectively tested with automatic writing. Thisphenomena is a central component of some therapies, for example, sandplay andart therapy, whereby the intent is to enable the unconscious to be expressed andbrought into conscious awareness.

The investigation of mental mechanisms in Part V further discusses the un-conscious mind: “Hypnosis is the induction of a peculiar state which permits sub-jects to reassociate and reorganize inner psychological complexities…” (p197) andmove beyond the constraints of an egocentric consciousness. Consciousness pro-vides defense for inner dysfunction, and yet, is not in control; consciousness canbe driven by inner needs.

This led me to consider recent research that suggests consciousness does notrequire a detailed sense of our emotional or biological needs. It only needs whatis “good enough” to maintain survival and social inclusion. For example, our re-

sponse to a complex biological activity that occurs several times a day producesthe simplistic conscious perception -- I’m hungry -- with little or no specific detail.

Rossi’s recent presentations and papers demonstrate how quantum mechanicslies at the heart of everything in our classical experience. Our consciousness, how-ever, is not able to be aware of quantum properties. Does this mean that the idealtreatment is one that activates implicit, unconscious activity? If conscious controlis not the best way to create well-being, perhaps one of the most important thingswe can do with conscious control is to voluntarily turn it off, allowing the complexinner world to do its finest work. In their 1944 paper (Ch.17), Erickson and Hilllist a set of four therapeutic concepts of which the most astounding is the third: “Anunconscious conflict may be resolved unconsciously.” (p206). The fourth conceptintroduces something that we are only recently learning is the most important as-pect of successful therapy: “Such unconscious activity can be influenced…by arelationship with another person.” (p.206)

Part VI investigates dual personality, which is another way in which the un-conscious sets up a protective mechanism. It is intriguing that Erickson was some-times asked by the “other personality” to help the person who was ill. Dualpersonality is a self-organized, protective relationship within the isolation, createdby the trauma. The client protects themselves with a fractured relationship withthe self, but they still seek out a therapeutic relationship with Erickson to find res-olution. This makes me wonder whether unusual and dysfunctional behavior ishow the unconscious triggers others into shifting their attention -- to focus on adeeper relational interaction, which enables therapeutic change. In short, we are notmeant to do it on our own. Relationships are the best healers, and symptoms stim-ulate healing relationships.

In Chapter 21, Erickson and Rapaport use psychometric testing to examine twodual personality patients. It is fascinating to read both the process and results oftests used in the 1940s. This provides the introduction for Part VII, which exploresmodern testing. The Indirect Trance Assessment Scale, developed by Rossi, is ex-plained in detail, and two papers, based in the recent field of psychosocial ge-nomics, take readers to the cutting edge of current research.

This volume spans research and investigation from 1933 to 2004. We are chal-lenged, as usual, but also tested as we explore the unconscious. The reader will, nodoubt, experience conscious change and growth, but I suggest there will also be un-conscious activity that may never be known -- only experienced as beneficialchange. That is the phenomena of the unconscious.

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continued from page 1INTERVIEW

INTERVIEW continued on next page

hands of his father, which becomesthe glue that holds the narcissism to-gether. Hence the need for perfec-tion, because anything short ofperfection is a stain -- and the stain isshaming. The work that you do notonly relates to another person’sneed, but is also a cleansing of theshame.

TR: There’s an AA saying: Hurtpeople hurt people. Therapy is not aseffective as it could be when it dealswith only one or the other of that sen-tence.

EP: If you focus on someone whois hurt and their own self-pity, andyou don’t look at the aggressive sideof them, from that place of hurt theycan wound others. If you only lookat the aggressive side, but you don’tlook at the wound, then you’re miss-ing an essential part of the dynamic.

TR: There’s also two ways towound a child, particularly a father toa boy. You can disempower the childand wound him directly by makinghim feel less than, or unlovable, or de-fective. But you can also pump up achild’s grandiosity. I had a violent,abusive, narcissistic father. I camehome one day with bad grades and myfather threw the report card on theground, laughed, and said, “That’s onlybecause those assholes don’t knowhow to deal with you, you’re sobright.” We call that “false empower-ment.” A lot of the guys I see have thedouble one-two punch of abuse andwound, coupled with various forms offalse empowerment, so there’s a flightof shame into grandiosity -- from feel-ing bad about yourself, to controllingor attacking someone else. I help menreturn to that little boy who was eitherabused or falsely empowered. But notjust with the healing impulse of releas-ing the energy of that boy. There isthat…but that’s not enough. The nextpiece is to put the grown up man incharge of that boy. Let him give theboy what the boy didn’t get. Let himcontain that boy so the boy isn’t wreak-ing havoc on his relationship. Maturitycomes when we handle our inner chil-dren and don’t foist them off on ourpartners to handle them for us. It’sabout empowerment.

EP: Those men who had thosekind of fathers often became emo-tional caretakers for their mothers,who were often in bad situations in

relation to those men. They prom-ised themselves they would never belike their fathers, but often ended updoing some of the things their fa-thers had done. Part of what thesemen struggle with is what to do withtheir aggression. If they had an ag-gressive dad, they often don’t knowhow to connect between tendernessand assertiveness. They compart-mentalize their sexuality. They areloving husbands and fathers, but un-able to be sexual with their women.While at the same time, they are in-volved elsewhere in hardcore, lust-ful, high intensity, low emotionsexuality.

TR: Both sides of them arewounded. No one taught them how tobe constructively assertive or evenconstructively dominating in a consen-sual relationship. That’s part of thepunch. And then they’re enmeshedwith their victim mothers. In my sec-ond book, How Can I Get Through toYou? I say that the nastiest words in theEnglish language are: Please don’t tellyour father. Enmeshment with themother leads to compartmentalizationand cut-off. It’s a good boy/bad boy di-chotomy that got set up both by the fa-ther and his aggression, and by themother in her enmeshing victimhood.

EP: So what new ideas andthoughts have recently entered yourwork?

TR: I’ve never said this in pub-lic…but the new ideas that are comingto me are spiritual. Normally, we thinkabout autonomy and differentiationfrom our development from our par-ents. As a marital therapist, I thinkabout autonomy and differentiationfrom these kinds of stances – theseMOs – that you inherited from yourfamily of origin. But what I call, “sec-ond consciousness” or “relationalmindfulness,” gives you choice, so thatyou’re not the fixer, the flee-er, thefighter you grew up being. That’s lib-eration or freedom.

The ultimate differentiation or au-tonomy is autonomy from our own re-

activity -- at the highest level what theBuddhists would call, “attentional.” Iwas with my spiritual teacher last sum-mer in a group of 800 people and thefirst words he said were: “You are notwho you take yourself to be.” There’s aliberation that goes beyond the devel-opmental, beyond the marital, beyondthe psychological -- to deeper levels ofexistential freedom.

EP: That’s beautiful. Whatwould you want people to say aboutyou? What’s the legacy?

TR: I’ve been thinking about whatI call, “fierce Intimacy” – keeping pas-sion alive by telling each other thetruth. If I had a legacy, it would beabout loving fierceness. Daring to tellthe truth to yourself and to the peoplearound you, in a way that it’s clearyou’re rooting for them and for the re-lationship but not backing away fromtelling the truth. My brand or markwould be: Terry Real – the guy whocan tell the truth, particularly to men.And, the guy who can tell the truthwith great love and honor.

EP: Do you think our studentshave changed – and how?

TR: Yes. I’ve seen some change.There are lots of therapies that suggestthat you can do the thing that you’reteaching others to do. But in RLT it’sabout living that self-esteem; holdingthe person in warm regard, and hold-ing them with utter truthfulness at thesame time. You cannot do that if you’rein a one-down or one-up position. Youcannot do my therapy if you’re in ashame state, and you can’t do it from aone-up judging state because the per-son will smell it and they won’t listento you. So you have to be in a spiritu-ally centered place in order to see theperson the way God sees the person.You see them whole -- with all theirwarts and moles -- and you choose tolove them in their humanity anyway.

My students take on their partnersin ways that they hadn’t before. Some-times that leads to divorce. But most

family before your deep catharticweekend. People need to change theirbehavior. I don’t think it’s pathology-focused, in that it’s in the nuance of“joining through the truth,” which isself-esteem in action. Self-esteem orappropriate shame means: I feel badabout the bad things I’ve done, and Istill hold myself in warm regard as aflawed human being.

Someone asked me to explain Ra-tional Living Therapy (RLT). It’sreaching for the decent person under-neath. And if you’re not in a place ofscanning for the strengths, loving thedecent person underneath -- what I call,“connecting with the functional adultpart of the person” -- then the workwill not go anywhere.

EP: That’s interesting, becauseyou go to the childhood not becauseyou’re trying to repair the child-hood, but so that you can separate itfrom the adult who can makechoices.

There’s something existentialabout your thinking. You use theword “behavior,” but stance is morethan behavior. Stance is a combina-tion of behavior, attitude, and beliefsystem. And in that sense, it becomesexistential.

TR: Right. When people transformand they move out of their stances theybecome different overnight. I tell astory of a man who was a Type A per-sonality. He was a god -- he was hand-some, glorious, and rich, and he hadtwo disabled children – and he hatedthem. They were a stain on his perfec-tion. We talked about narcissism andempathy for several weeks, and he did-n’t get it. One day, he took his kid to abaseball game and when they weredriving home the kid got sick in the car.And he was so frightened of his fatherthat he was holding in the vomit. Thefather said, “I looked in my son’s eyesand I was appalled by who I was tohim. I said, ‘Oh honey, be sick, besick.’ From that moment on I knew itwas about him; it wasn’t about me.”

That was a watershed moment inthis man’s life, and I see this all thetime.

EP: I think you have an “in” withmen who were mistreated by theirfathers. A beautiful term that Ilearned from you is, “intrusiontrauma.” Basically, it’s the shamethat the boy experienced at the

He was a god -- he was handsome, glorious, andrich, and he had two disabled children – and hehated them. They were a stain on his perfection.

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation Newsletter24 VOL. 36, NO. 1

often, it leads to a transformed mar-riage. Very few people learn this workand stay the way they were.

EP: It’s like when we discoveredsystemic thinking -- a completely dif-ferent way of understanding theworld.

TR: Yes. And my language for thatnow is relational. To see things rela-tionally and ecologically, instead oflinearly. It’s about teaching people en-lightened self-interest. It’s in your in-terest to do what needs to be done tomake this relationship work.

EP: How do you help peopleleave, or end their relationship?

TR: A friend of mine said that hefound firing people a spiritual experi-ence. I thought he was full of it until hetold me what he said: “You don’t be-long here. There’s a place where youdo belong, in which you can be fullyrealized and be yourself and be happy.This isn’t that place. I think you shouldbe freed up to go find that place.”

There are many examples of ongo-ing abuse, addiction, or one of the two

parties is insufferable and has no inter-est in changing. We therapists oftenthrow the other partner under the bus,when, in fact, it’s no service to them tokeep them in an abusive relationship.

EP: What’s the question peopleshould ask you that is often notasked?

TR: A question that is often askedis: “Can I do this work with men onlybecause I’m a man?” The answer is no.Competence trumps gender. I think thequestion not asked is: “How do you getaway with doing this work?” The an-swer is because I love the people I’mworking with. And, if they’re not love-able when I start with them, I renderthem more loveable by the time I’mdone. When I’m with someone I findthe part of me that’s just like them.That’s how I can be empathic and fin-ish their sentences. It’s that connectionthat make things so powerful, alongwith detachment from outcome. It’syour life, not my life. I’ll hold the mir-ror up, but it’s up to you to choose whatto do.

EP: I identify with you to the

point where I can finish your sen-tences. And I differentiate from youin that I cannot want more for youthan you want for yourself.

TR: Yes. Don’t be ambitious foryour clients, or you’ll wind up with aheadache. I’ve said to patients whodon’t want to do anything I say and justgive me a hard time: ‘You’ll go hometo your misery and I’ll go home to myhappy family. And the only reason myfamily is a happy one is because Iclawed my way there. No one gave itto me. I can help you make your fam-ily happy, but it’s really not my busi-ness, it’s yours.’

EP: Your language mirrors yourapproach. When you talk aboutfierce intimacy, for example, youtalk about “clawing my way.”

TR: I come from a difficult, violentbackground, as does Belinda. Everyinch of the learning that we’ve done inthis field has been for our own healing,as well as for others. My path has beenfierce and my therapy is a fierce be-cause, of course, it always reflects theperson who created it.

I’m going to be utterly pretentiousand misquote Shelley: Mighty poetsare cradled forth in wrong. They learnin suffering what they teach in song.

EP: Ending with a poet is alwaysthe best way. Thank you.

TR: Thank you Esther. continued from page 23INTERVIEW

Esther Perel is recognized as oneof the most insightful voices on per-sonal and professional relationshipsand is also a best-selling author. Estherhas practiced therapy in New York Cityfor 30 years. She also serves on thefaculty of The Family Studies Unit, De-partment of Psychiatry, New York Uni-versity Medical Center and TheInternational Trauma Studies Programat Columbia University.

Esther Perel

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