126
NEERJA ARORA BHATIA Unlocking the Power of Your Natural Intelligence Refreshing and full of practical, easy-to-apply tools to live life fully. John Seeley, Best-selling Author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life ART OF RESILIENCE

ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

  • Upload
    others

  • View
    0

  • Download
    0

Embed Size (px)

Citation preview

Page 1: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

NEERJA ARORA BHATIA

Unlocking the Power of Your Natural Intelligence

Refreshing and full of practical, easy-to-apply tools to live life fully.

John Seeley, Best-selling Author ofGet Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life

ART OF

RESILIENCE

Page 2: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 3: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Praise for Art of Resilience:

This inspiring book calls us to use our fear and resistance asfuel for finding greater clarity in our lives. Practical, wellwritten, and timely, "Art of Resilience" is a joy to behold!

Darin J. Harris, Consultant, FacilitatorOffice of Quality Improvement, UW-Madison

Neerja’s writing style and subject matter cause me to feel“very” alive, optimistic, and hopeful about life itself.Thanks, with much gratitude!

George Dumigan, Vice President, Sales & MarketingNew Haven Consulting Group, Inc.

This book not only carries the essence of peace it carries theseed for change.

Kathleen D. Mailer, Author, Leadership Wisdom From the Rock

Professional Speaker

Again Neerja throws aside the curtains and shines a light onthe potential of an open mind and a willing spirit. Read,learn and hang on -– you never know how far this ride willtake you.

Jim Martel, Manager International Compliance & motorcycle enthusiast

Page 4: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

It is clearly written and easy to understand, while at thesame time being very deep and profound. I found the realworld examples to be inspiring and it made me feel thatmaking big transformational changes are doable. The bookis not only wise, it is practical – I loved the diagnostic toolsand easy-to-do exercises. Thanks for bringing forth this giftto the world!

Marian Farrior, Earth Partnership Field Manager, UW-Madison Arboretum

Neerja’s book, “Art of Resilience”, is a wonderful tool forhelping anyone to better understand how to deal with theemotional side of life. It offers a step-by-step guide tolearning about your own personal demons, how to success-fully confront those demons and use that knowledge toimprove your personal and professional performance. Thisis a real personal ‘change agent’ that can apply to almostanyone who is interested in personal growth and professionalsuccess.Thanks Neerja for this valuable tool. It’s a wellthought out, compact work that goes down easy and helpsyou become more productive sooner.

Jim Northrup, Managing PartnerClearSight Solutions

Caretaker of human spirit, NEERJA gives us “Art ofResilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heedingher guidance restores our pathways and enables us toreclaim our own treasures.

Scott GassmanCoach, Facilitator

Page 5: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

A thriving revelation to the contrary – survival of the fittest."Art of Resilience" shows what 'thinking different' can doto make our lives different.

Amar Gupta, Managing EditorSiliconeer Magazine

“Art of Resilience” brings a refreshing common senseapproach on how to know ourselves and manage oureveryday lives. This book provides tools needed to getstarted and focus to evolve into who we want to be. Verypowerful. Thanks Neerja!

Stephanie Gomes

Neerja utilizes interactive exercises engaging the reader toexplore the connections between who we are and wherewe would like to be. She stimulates the appetite to live lifefully and provides the reader coaching along the way.

Susan Mcgee

A true gem of a book. Neerja has the unique ability toarticulate complex concepts and underlying behavior inpractical terms one can understand. A "must read" forthose striving toward personal as well as professionaldevelopment.

Mary Lou

Page 6: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Also by Neerja Bhatia, Bliss is in Knowing The Self,

How to Turn Pain & Sorrow into Joy Filled Living.

Page 7: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

NEERJA ARORA BHATIA

Unlocking the Power of Your Natural Intelligence

Rhythm of Success Publishing, USA

ART OF

RESILIENCE

Page 8: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Unlocking the Power of Your Natural Intelligence

Copyright © 2008 by Neerja Arora BhatiaISBN 978-0-9792269-2-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced ortransmitted in any form without permission in writing from theauthor, except by a reviewer who may quote for review purposes.

www.artofresilience.com

Cover and book designed by Dominique Petersen

-------------------------------------------------------The author designed the information to represent her opinions aboutthe subjects disclosed. The author obtained the information containedthrough personal experience and the experiences of her clients. Theauthor speaks from her perspective and experience.

The author disclaims any liability, loss, or risk incurred by individuals whoact on the information contained herein. The author believes the advicepresented here is sound, but readers cannot hold Neerja Arora Bhatia orRhythm of Success Publishing responsible for either the actions theytake, or the results of those actions.

ART OF

RESILIENCE

Page 9: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Dedicated to

Prakash Chandra Arora

whose kind words of encouragement filled the hearts of everyone he touched

Page 10: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 11: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Acknowledgements

This book has come into existence with the steadfastsupport of my colleagues, friends, students and advisors.First and foremost, I want to thank all my workshopparticipants who have taught me more than I have learnedfrom school, reading, researching or writing.

My special thanks to Steve Davis, the founder of FacilitatorUwho has been a mentor to me in many ways. This book isan extension of my work with him.

Any amount of words cannot relay the gratitude I feeltowards my friend, coach and business partner Jon Barb,author of Do What Works.

The understanding of my work deepens because I am for-tunate to have a genius in my life, Kate Major, an author,teacher and founder of Sage Seminars. Our philosophicaldiscussions and insights have been the foundations I havebuilt my practice upon.

To my beloved husband Deepak, who has allowed me toflourish and expand my horizons. You are my mentor,friend, and my biggest supporter.

The well-rounded feedback provided by Anu Sharma Guptaand Judith Nutkis went a long way in adding depth, clarityand flow to the content.

Acknowledgements

Page 12: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Table of Contents

Introduction

Section II: RRESILIENCE

1. What is Resilience? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

2. What is Natural Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3

3. Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

4. What is at the Root of Emotions? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

5. Using Emotions to Build Resilience . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11

Section III: CCOURAGE TTO LLEARN FFROM RRESISTANCE

6. Three-Step Tool to Recover from Setbacks . . . . . . . . . .17

7. Resilience Assessment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21

SSeeccttiioonn IIIIII:: RREEFFRRAAMMIINNGG PPAATTTTEERRNNSS TTOO CCRREEAATTEE PPOOSSSSIIBBIILLIITTIIEESS

8. Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35

9. The Analytical and the Creative Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . .41

Page 13: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

10. Reframing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45

11. Reframing Tool for Dealing with Adversity . . . . . . . . .49

SSeeccttiioonn IIVV:: CREATING PPRESENCE

12. Keeping the Attention and Focus on Solutions . . . . .53

13. Creating the Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .57

14. Fully Experiencing and Expressing Vulnerability . . . . .67

15. The Art of Resilient Living . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .71

16. Complete Self Care for Living Fully . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75

SSeeccttiioonn VV:: LETTING GGO AAND LLIVING FFULLY

17. Creating Mind Map for Results . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .79

18. Connecting to the Bigger Picture . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .89

Bibliography

About the Author

Page 14: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 15: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Introduction

This book is about the art of resilience, the ability to recoverquickly from setbacks. Resilience helps us to empower our-selves and others; enhance our ability to live fully; manageemotions; communicate effectively in challenging situations;expand personal influence; and increase our creativity.

TTHHEE PPAATTHH TTOO RREESSIILLIIEENNCCEE

We lost our resilience while growing up and have learnedways to mask our authenticity with the perception of whowe think we are. The sum total quality of who we are is fargreater than the perception we have of ourselves. It is notimportant how we lost our resilience, what is important ishow to bring it back to full force.

Resilience unfolds each time we encounter resistance andare willing and open to learn from the discomfort thataccompanies the struggle. Our first reaction is to run awayfrom it, suppress it, play the victim or fight it or blow it outof proportion. Any way we choose to react entangles ourmind in ordinary or limited ways of thinking. To break thechains of ordinary existence, we must face the limitationswith courage, discipline, persistence and practice.

Introduction

Page 16: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

This book is a map that takes you from resistance toresilience. The journey begins by taking the courage tolearn from resistance, reframing patterns to create possibil-ities, bringing presence and playfulness to life and lettinggo to live fully.

How to use this book: Section I consists of concepts and foundations; Section IIincludes resilience assessment; and Sections III to V are filledwith practical and applicable resilience tools for day to daylife.

Let’s get started!

Art of Resilience

Introduction

Page 17: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Section I:

Resilience

Page 18: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 19: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

1. What is Resilience?

RReessiilliieennccee is the art of recovering quickly from setbacks andmoving into our natural intelligence. It helps us to empowerourselves and others; enhance our ability to live fully;manage emotions; communicate effectively in challengingsituations; expand personal influence; and increase ourcreativity.

It requires one to stay open and optimistic. Resilience is akey ingredient to succeed and stay happy in life. Infantsand toddlers are resilient till they reach a certain age andslowly they adopt beliefs and stigmas that begin to undotheir resilience.

Let us take a look at the qualities inherent in resilience.

RReessiilliieennccee == OOppeennnneessss ++ OOppttiimmiissmm ++ PPuurrppoossee

OOppeennnneessss:: Being open to different perspectives versusholding on to limited ways of thinking. Openness comesfrom being curious.

OOppttiimmiissmm:: Seeing setbacks as a stepping stone.Experience is a profound teacher, we rarely learn anythingnew from successes and more times than not, previoussuccess can become a barrier to innovation and creativity.

What is Resilience?1

Page 20: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Setbacks on the other hand take us to new heights if weare optimistic and open to learning from the experience.Optimism comes from trust.

PPuurrppoossee:: What is your reason for being? What is yourunderlying motivation for what you do? With a clearpurpose we become empowered and an unstoppableforce for great possibilities. Purpose comes from a desirefor real meaning in life.

When we are open, optimistic and aligned with our purpose,we play with our natural intelligence. RReessiilliieennccee iiss tthhee kkeeyyttoo uunnlloocckkiinngg oouurr nnaattuurraall iinntteelllliiggeennccee.. I will cover naturalintelligence in the next chapter, for now let us stay withresilience a little longer. Most great opportunities arrivewhen we are open, optimistic and on purpose.

The ability to get out of our own way through awareness,openness, optimism and courage helps us recover fromsetbacks. Openness takes us to different realms of creativityand possibilities.

Resilience is about artfully combining the power of feelings,critical thinking, and the will to take significant actions forreaching great possibilities.

Tapping into the theory of the “Survival of the Fittest” – itis not the strongest that survives, it is the most adaptable orresilient that not only survives but tthhrriivveess. Resilience helpsus bounce back to our natural intelligence. Let us now takea look at what natural intelligence is.

What is Resilience?2

Page 21: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

2. What is NaturalIntelligence?

WWee eexxppeerriieennccee oouurr nnaattuurraall iinntteelllliiggeennccee wwhheenn oouurr hheeaarrtt,,iinntteelllleecctt aanndd ppuurrppoossee aarree aalliiggnneedd,, ssyynncchhrroonniizzeedd aanndd ffllooww-iinngg iinn tthhee ssaammee ddiirreeccttiioonn mmaakkiinngg tthhee iimmppoossssiibbllee ppoossssiibbllee..

Isn't it amazing how this human body functions as asynchronized intelligent system! This synchronized flow isworking through our bodies as the same intelligence thatbeats as our heart, purifies the blood through the liver, anddigests through the delicate walls in the stomach.

Resistance disrupts the flow, while resilience synchronizesthe natural flow of our fascinating intelligence. We are incharge of the choices we make, whether we choose to livewith resistance or resilience is in our hands. Resistance is bornfrom the human conditioning, assumptions, perceptionsand limiting beliefs. If we could learn to get out of our ownway, we would have a great sense of clarity, focus and trust.

Our natural intelligence is designed as an efficient, effec-tive and a brilliant living system.

When we are in sync with the depths of our natural intelli-gence, we experience presence, confidence, expansiveness,inspiration, completion, openness, creativeness, love, wisdom,

What is Natural Intelligence?3

Page 22: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

What is Natural Intelligence?4

power, compassion, humility, flow, newness, exuberanceand much more that words cannot describe.

Have you said something so profound and later realizedthat you were not sure where your words came from? Haveyou accomplished something in record breaking time anddon't have a clue how you completed it? When we arewilling to get out of our own way, the natural intelligenceworks through us creating profound results that astonish us.

Words cannot describe the natural intelligence. We have allexperienced it. Resilience is the tool that helps us createfrequent experiences to play with our natural intelligence.

When our actions are focused and have clarity of purpose,they are fueled with the inner fire of possibilities. Webecome an unstoppable force and thus we honor our naturalintelligence. The opposite is true when we go against ournatural intelligence and allow emotions to drown us; werestrict the flow of personal transformation.

EEmmoottiioonnss aarree tthhee ggaatteewwaayy ttoo rreessiilliieennccee.. When we learn tomanage, direct and focus this raw energy to our purpose,we become an unstoppable force to human greatness. Letus now take a look at emotions and resilience.

Page 23: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

3. Emotional Intelligence

No matter how prominent a feeling or mood oremotion is – it is not one solid lump, it is not a singleconcrete thing. It's actually made up of small piecesthat are connected in a vague sort of way. Known ashabit or the thinking mind. If you know to reallyrecognize, a gap immediately appears. A little pieceof your basic nature becomes visible. It gets coveredagain and you need to recognize again.

Krishnamurti

Emotions are the bridge between the world of beliefs andbehaviors. Behaviors are hard to change without an under-standing of beliefs. Emotions can be the guiding force thatlead us to the underlying beliefs and help us create resilience.By gaining clarity and using the energy of emotions as aguiding tool we can navigate through conflicting situationsand chaos.

According to Daniel Goleman, emotions are energy inmotion. The fact is that at the subtlest level, we are madeup of ENERGY.

Energy is at the bottom of everything we do, think and feel.It is neither created nor destroyed, however, transformed

Emotional Intelligence5

Page 24: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

from one state to another. Our feelings that rise andsubside are energy in motion. Our senses are alive becausethey are charged with energy. Without it you and I wouldcease to exist. We require energy to walk, eat, breathe,write, perform, create, think, accomplish great things andmost of all live.

By conceptually understanding energy, we begin toappreciate the existence of pure possibilities within ourselvesand others. BByy rreellaattiinngg ttoo eenneerrggyy aass tthhee ffuueell tthhaatt ddrriivveess uuss,,wwee bbeeggiinn ttoo nnaavviiggaattee tthhrroouugghh tthhee ppeeaakkss aanndd vvaalllleeyyss ooff lliiffeewwiitthhoouutt jjuuddggmmeennttss,, uunnddeerrssttaannddiinngg tthhee uuppss aanndd ddoowwnnss aassddiiffffeerreenntt vviibbrraattiioonnss ooff eenneerrggyy..

For instance, wouldn't it be great if instead of judging poorperformance, we would look at it from an energy point ofview? Instead of viewing the person as unfit, we wouldbegin to see the mismatch of the project and the person.When there is a mismatch there is less motivation, enthusiasmand energy. When we are emotionally enthusiastic aboutwhat we do, we outperform ourselves.

The awareness and understanding of emotions can eliminatethe unnecessary frustration we experience with setbacks.

EEmmoottiioonnss aarree iinntteelllliiggeenntt ssiiggnnaallss bbrriinnggiinngg iinnffoorrmmaattiioonnttoo oouurr ccoonnsscciioouuss mmiinndd

ooff tthhee uunnddeerrllyyiinngg tthhoouugghhttss aanndd bbeelliieeffss..

Gary Hamel, Michael Hammer & Peter Senge issue thefollowing warning to those who rely on intellect alone…

People with high levels of Personal Mastery cannotafford to choose between reason and intuition, orthe head and heart, any more than they wouldchoose to walk on one leg or see with one eye.

Emotional Intelligence6

Page 25: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

TThhee aabbiilliittyy ttoo sseennssee,, uunnddeerrssttaanndd,, aanndd eeffffeeccttiivveellyy aappppllyy tthheeppoowweerr ooff eemmoottiioonnss aass aa ssoouurrccee ooff hhuummaann eenneerrggyy,, iinnffoorrmmaa-ttiioonn,, ccoonnnneeccttiioonn,, aanndd iinnfflluueennccee iiss rreeffeerrrreedd ttoo aass EEmmoottiioonnaallIInntteelllliiggeennccee..

Emotions can become overwhelming when we judge themas wrong, bad, inappropriate, etc. When we misperceiveemotions, we may miss the information they carry or sweepthem under the carpet, only for stronger emotions toemerge later. EEmmoottiioonnaall iinntteelllliiggeennccee iiss aabboouutt pprroocceessssiinnggeemmoottiioonnss ttoo ggaaiinn iinnffoorrmmaattiioonn aanndd aapppprroopprriiaatteellyy iinnfflluueenncceebbeehhaavviioorr ffoorr ooppttiimmaall rreessuullttss..

To have a better understanding of how emotions impactresilience, let us take a look at what is at the root ofemotions.

Art of Resilience

Emotional Intelligence7

Page 26: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 27: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

4. What is at the Root of Emotions?

YYoouurr bbeelliieeffss aabboouutt wwhhaatt yyoouu tthhiinnkk aarree aatt tthhee rroooott ooffeemmoottiioonnss..

Let us bring the concept of emotions to our experience bythe following exercise:

Close your eyes and think of a challenge you are experiencing.

o Where do you sense the emotional sensation in yourbody?

o What created those emotional sensations?

o Take a few deep breaths and notice what happens to the emotional signals.

o Notice that these emotions are not solid, but transient.

o Now think of a pleasant experience.

o Where do you feel the emotional sensations in your body?

o What created those emotional sensations?

What is at the Root of Emotions?9

Page 28: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

BBeelliieeffss aarree tthhee mmoosstt ssuubbttllee yyeett ppootteenntt ffoorrmm ooff eenneerrggyy tthhaattsshhaappee oouurr aattttiittuuddeess,, wwhhiicchh iinn ttuurrnn sshhaappee oouurr ffeeeelliinnggss aannddtthhuuss aaffffeecctt oouurr aaccttiioonnss.. It's an arduous job to dissect andunfold the subtlest form of energy and effect changes inour belief system. We must begin our journey by examiningour feelings and actions. When we follow our feelings withawareness, we have a better chance of discovering the lim-ited beliefs behind the feeling.

When we live our lives based on limited beliefs, it createsdisruptive emotions of frustration, anger and resentment.TThheessee ffeeeelliinnggss eexxiisstt nnoott bbeeccaauussee wwee ddoonn''tt hhaavvee aallll tthheeaannsswweerrss,, oonn tthhee ccoonnttrraarryy tthheeyy eexxiisstt bbeeccaauussee ddeeeepp ddoowwnn wweekknnooww wwee aarree ccaappaabbllee ooff ffaarr ggrreeaatteerr aaccccoommpplliisshhmmeennttss.. Theresistance keeps us in status quo. Each time resistance isfelt, it brings with it an opportunity for us to use ourcourage and break free. With persistence, discipline andcourage, the limited beliefs are shattered and we becomeresilient.

OOuurr bbeelliieeffss aarree ddeeeeppllyy eemmbbeeddddeedd iinnttoo oouurr ppeerrcceeppttiioonnss,, iitt iisstthhee wwiinnddooww wwee sseeee oouurr wwoorrlldd tthhrroouugghh –– aa pprrooffiicciieenntt wwaayy ttoocchhaannggee oorr aaddoopptt nneeww bbeelliieeffss iiss bbyy bbuuiillddiinngg rreessiilliieennccee.. LLeett uussnnooww bbeeggiinn ttoo bbuuiilldd oouurr rreessiilliieennccee.. AArree yyoouu rreeaaddyy??

Art of Resilience

What is at the Root of Emotions?10

Page 29: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

5. Using Emotions to Build Resilience

Our emotions are likely to come up while dealing with afamily member or colleague. At times, we may find ouranger rise as someone pushes a hot button or challenges us.We may face fears of being inadequate or ill equipped tohandle an emerging conflict, or deep emotional outpour-ings of a group member. To be resilient, the first step is theability to manage our feelings. This doesn't mean that werepress our feelings. IItt mmeeaannss tthhaatt wwee bbeeccoommee aawwaarree ooffwwhhaatt''ss ggooiinngg oonn iinnssiiddee aanndd oowwnn oouurr ffeeeelliinnggss,, hheeeeddiinngg tthheeiinnffoorrmmaattiioonn eemmoottiioonnss bbrriinngg ffoorrtthh ffoorr uuss,, aanndd ddeeaalliinngg wwiitthhtthheemm rreessppoonnssiibbllyy..

Many of our problems with emotions result in our misinter-pretation of them. Emotions simply bring forth information.When we resist the emotion, we miss out on importantinformation that could transform our sense of frustrationto a sense of freedom by listening and working with theunderlying emotions.

Let us take a closer look at the two most potent emotions.

FFeeaarr is the energy when used appropriately it pushes usto step into our full potential

AAnnggeerr is the raw energy that seeks creative expression

Using Emotions to Build Resilience11

Page 30: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

AA PPRRAACCTTIICCAALL AAPPPPLLIICCAATTIIOONN FFOORR UUNNFFOOLLDDIINNGG RREESSIILLIIEENNCCEE

At the heart of the journey is building a discipline for gainingclarity, reframing, creating possibilities and letting go. It israther difficult to build the practice of discipline whenresistance is missing. Can we learn to drive by reading thedrivers manual? Similarly we cannot learn the art ofresilience by simply reading a book. At some point we willhave to dive into the resistance we feel and learn from it.

For instance, the resistance I felt through the ffeeaarr of publicspeaking has been a great device in pushing me to use mynervous energy to communicate in an inspiring way. Nervousenergy when focused with a sense of purpose becomes asource of inspiration. I am now able to look at fear as energy,neither good nor bad and focus it to create a compellingmessage. A sense of purpose eliminates fear.

Another great example is the resistance that comes fromaannggeerr.. I had a tremendous amount of resistance aroundreceiving pathetic customer service. Each time I felt I wasbeing given the short end of the stick, it would make mefurious. I would become so angry that the poor customerservice representative would have to tolerate my tempertantrums. Even though I knew and understood the angerwas not out there but within me, it still did not change mystrong reactions. The anger carried enormous energy andmade me lose my sense of self.

Some years back, I was reading about anger and what Ilearned that day was about to change my life forever…Anger is neither good nor bad, it is just energy. Anger is aform of unused creative energy looking for an outlet. Bynot resisting anger, we could create something beautifulfrom that raw energy. For the first time my perception on

Art of Resilience

Using Emotions to Build Resilience12

Page 31: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

anger shifted. Up until that point, I thought there wassomething wrong with me and then for the first time I sawanger in a different light and felt empowered.

I wanted to know how to take this massive energy and turnit into something creative and thus my search began. I readbook after book, had many discussions with coaches, teachersand mentors and yet no change in my reactions. I got sofrustrated that I would judge myself more for not beingable to manage my anger. It was embarrassing when mychildren said "Mom, don't get upset with the sales person.It is not their fault. They are just doing their job." There wastruth to their statement. The truth would hurt and yet Iwould have a knee jerk reaction – totally out of my control.I had never felt so helpless…

Easy answer was I took on my father's angry genes, okay soI inherited some angry genes, but now what? The more Iwould judge myself, the more disheartened I wouldbecome. II wwaass iiggnnoorriinngg mmyy iinnnneerr ssttaattee ooff cchhaaooss aass iitt wwaassssccaarryy aanndd rreeqquuiirreedd ccoouurraaggee..

When our culture code imprisons this creative energy at ayoung age, it cages a growing monster in a space that thebeast will outgrow someday. It continues to expand in thetightness of our small attitudes and each time it feels thepain of captivity, it barks as anger or other disruptive emotion.By judging it and having an aversion towards it, we make itworse.

The key is in having compassion for the anger, staying awayfrom aversion and allowing the anger to move throughyou. Any struggle is useless as you are dealing with a giganticforce. It is like a big wave that can drown you if you do notflow with it. Allow it to move through you, do not resist.

Art of Resilience

Using Emotions to Build Resilience13

Page 32: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Any resistance in the form of judgment or irritation andoops you become the anger and it engulfs you. No worriesif you miss the opportunity to ride the wave, guaranteed itwill rise again. As I stayed with the anger and used eachopportunity of rough waters to witness and face it withcourage, it began to lose its force. The energy that waswasted in being angry is now being used to write books.The remainder of the book is about the tools I used totransform the dense emotions to creativity.

Anger management, stress management or time managementare short sighted approaches that will hide the symptomsbut the lurking massive dense energy within crushes youwith a greater force the next time it sends a wave of over-whelming emotions. The energy that could be utilized forthe transformation subsides back into our subconsciousmind when mishandled with extreme aversion or oblivion.

We can transform any disruptive emotion and fully recoverfrom setbacks by learning the art of resilience.

AACCTTIIOONN

So how can you use this information to practice resilience?A good way to start is by cultivating curiosity, non-judg-ment and present moment awareness. Begin to look at theemotions, not as good or bad, but simply with curiosity, andask the following questions of yourself:

• What's this energy about? • How intense is it? • How can I use it to refocus my attention on what is

important?

Art of Resilience

Using Emotions to Build Resilience14

Page 33: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Practice reinterpreting your emotions by observing thosethat arise and release prior judgments you might haveabout them. Focus instead on listening to the information.

IINNTTRROOSSPPEECCTTIIOONN

As you read and learn the tools, keep an eye of awarenessto any resistance that shows up. As it does, embrace theopportunity to use the tools and move towards resiliency.AAwwaarreenneessss,, ccoouurraaggee,, aanndd ddiisscciipplliinnee aarree tthhee aannttiibbiioottiicc ffoorrFFEEAARR..

Let us begin by dismantling our mental models, beliefs, andstructures so we can create resilience to live an effective,efficient and fulfilling life.

List some of your fears:

Art of Resilience

Using Emotions to Build Resilience15

Page 34: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

How has the energy of past fears shaped you?

What are your beliefs behind these fears?

Are they continuing to serve you? If not, what would yourather believe instead?

Art of Resilience

Using Emotions to Build Resilience16

Page 35: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Section II:

Courage to Learnfrom Resistance

Page 36: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 37: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

6. Three-Step Tool toRecover from Setbacks

As mentioned earlier, making changes at the level of beliefscan become a lifelong project; however, with focused atten-tion and clarity, there is a way to bring the results withoutit being an overwhelming experience. Focused attention isvery much like holding a magnifying glass in the sunlightover a piece of paper, concentrating the energy into a singlepoint raising the temperature to burn a hole through thepaper. A consistent use of focused attention on the disruptiveemotion has the power to dismantle limited beliefs.

When we have had a setback, following are the three waysto building a bridge to recover:

11.. LLIISSTTEENN TTOO TTHHEE FFEEEELLIINNGGSS

When a setback creates unpleasant feelings, instead ofrunning away or reacting, sit with the feelings and learnfrom the wisdom of what they bring to your attention. Bylistening with all your senses, gauge the intensity, densityand location. Intensity is the force, density is the solidityand location is the place in your body where you feel theemotional setback. No matter how intense or dense theemotion, the good news is that it is transient. LLiisstteenniinngg aanndd

Three-Step Tool to Recover from Setbacks17

Page 38: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

ppaayyiinngg aatttteennttiioonn ppuuttss yyoouu iinn cchhaarrggee ooff tthhee ssiittuuaattiioonn vveerrssuussaalllloowwiinngg eemmoottiioonnss ttoo ddrroowwnn yyoouu..

22.. RREEMMEEMMBBEERR YYOOUURR PPUURRPPOOSSEE

It is ideal to have a sense of purpose. Even if you don't knowhow it will unfold, creating a vision around your purpose hasthe power to move mountains. If you don't have a vision,there is a description of how to create a vision in chapter13. For now stay with the process.

HHiiddddeenn wwiitthhiinn ddoouubbtt iiss tthhee ffuunnccttiioonn ooff ffaaiitthh aanndd wwhheennvviissiioonn aaccttss uuppoonn ddoouubbtt,, iitt ttrraannssffoorrmmss iinnttoo ppoowweerr.. When indoubt, shift your attention and focus on your vision orpurpose.

For instance, my husband owns and manages a rentalproperty. His vision is to will the property for a charitablecause. Each time he encounters setback with tenants, heshifts his attention to his vision. During times of doubt, hisattention and focus on the vision inspires him to workthrough the obstacles. And that is the power of vision!

33.. RREECCOONNNNEECCTT TTOO YYOOUURR NNAATTUURRAALL IINNTTEELLLLIIGGEENNCCEE

One way of reconnecting effortlessly to our natural intelli-gence is through daydreaming. It is the art of allowing yourimagination to lead you. Daydreaming creates a trance-likestate. We daydream unconsciously on and off throughoutthe day; however conscious daydreaming is done with asense of purpose that allows us to relax, let go of our anxiety,resolve conflict, gain clarity, and come back with anenhanced state of mind with better solutions. Einstein, my

Art of Resilience

Three-Step Tool to Recover from Setbacks18

Page 39: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

fellow daydreamer came up with creative ideas from thisvery relaxed state he frequently visited. I invite you to day-dream for 10 minutes a day.

When we feel relaxed, we create an open space that waspreviously occupied by dense emotions and chaoticthoughts. The opening is required for natural intelligenceto play in our consciousness. Slipping into daydreaming isnot running away, however, it is accessing the inner wisdom.Practicing this form of relaxation boosts our productivity.

Once we have created an opening, our quality of attentionand energy is conducive for the next best action towardswhat matters most. Each time I have a writer's block, I day-dream for a short while and am able to generate articles inrecord-breaking time. Now that is accessing your naturalintelligence!

Remember we cannot learn to drive by reading a book ondriving… . Think of an upsetting situation and run it in yourmind. Following the process described above, experiencehow your quality of attention changes.

Art of Resilience

Three-Step Tool to Recover from Setbacks19

Page 40: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 41: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

7. Resilience Assessment

AASSSSEESSSSMMEENNTT TTEESSTT

Let us begin by taking an inventory of how resilient we are.We are all unique, there never was nor will there ever beanother person with our exact mix of intelligence, expression,vitality and signature. We blossom through our uniqueness.However, most of us perceive situations with limited beliefsthat take us away from our natural intelligence.

In my first book Bliss is in Knowing the Self, I have given anextensive explanation of the four pillars of strength lloovvee,,ccoommppaassssiioonn,, wwiissddoomm aanndd ppoowweerr.. The book has explicitexplanation on how our quality of being differs when weoperate from our strength versus live through the fears ofour conditioned self. For the purpose of this book, we willlook at the four pillars of lloovvee,, ppoowweerr,, ccoommppaassssiioonn aannddwwiissddoomm through the lens of resilience. The four pillars arebalanced when our natural intelligence is in full force.These pillars are the key to freedom from unwantedreactions. As we build resilience, we become balanced andgrounded with the four pillars of our inner strength.

While some of us are comfortable with lloovvee, we may be outof touch with wwiissddoomm due to the lack of experience with it.Others may be comfortable with expressing tremendouspower, but lack of experience with ccoommppaassssiioonn may make

Resilience Assessment21

Page 42: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment22

them oblivious to relating well with others. Depending onhow our experience has shaped us, our sense of comfortand discomfort with each pillar will reflect our assessment.For instance, a manager with high sense of ppoowweerr and lowccoommppaassssiioonn will struggle to develop and coach his subordi-nates.

The results will show individual strengths and rememberthere are no weaknesses. The results are directly related tothe comfort level we each have due to our experience withthe pillar. Very much like the ability to write with our left orright hand comes from practice and experience. Today, ifwe begin to practice writing with our non-dominant hand,over time we would be proficient in writing with eitherhand.

AASSSSEESSSSMMEENNTT QQUUEESSTTIIOONNNNAAIIRREE

For each statement, circle the appropriate number, 1 beinglow and 5 being high. Let us begin.

TTHHEE PPIILLLLAARR OOFF LLOOVVEE Low High

1. I am a dreamer 1 2 3 4 52. I enjoy connecting with people 1 2 3 4 53. I rejoice in small wonders of life 1 2 3 4 54. I am in touch with my emotions 1 2 3 4 55. I am a risk taker 1 2 3 4 5

Subtotal

Page 43: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment23

TTHHEE PPIILLLLAARR OOFF WWIISSDDOOMM Low High

1. I am a realist 1 2 3 4 52. I learn best from experiences 1 2 3 4 53. I am known for having the answers 1 2 3 4 54. I have patience 1 2 3 4 55. I enjoy intellectual discussions 1 2 3 4 5

Subtotal

TTHHEE PPIILLLLAARR OOFF CCOOMMPPAASSSSIIOONN Low High

1. I am a supporter 1 2 3 4 52. I am reliable 1 2 3 4 53. I relate to people well 1 2 3 4 54. I am a positive person 1 2 3 4 55. I am a good listener 1 2 3 4 5

Subtotal

TTHHEE PPIILLLLAARR OOFF PPOOWWEERR Low High

1. I am a doer 1 2 3 4 52. I have a great will and

command over my life decisions 1 2 3 4 53. I take positive course of action

in the face of challenges 1 2 3 4 54. I am comfortable following my 1 2 3 4 5

instincts5. My inspiration comes from within 1 2 3 4 5

Subtotal

Page 44: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

GRAND TOTAL

AASSSSEESSSSIINNGG TTHHEE RREESSUULLTTSS

Once you calculate the results, look at your scores acrossthe four styles. The lowest score is 1 and the highest scoreis 5. Anywhere in the middle is a moderate score. Forinstance you may score 4 for power, 2 for compassion, 3 forwisdom and 2 for love. This shows your comfort level withpower and wisdom is greater than your comfort level withcompassion and love. All four ways are inherently presentin each one of us and when we become more resilient, thefour styles emerge effortlessly.

Given a challenging situation, you will respond in thefollowing way based on your score:

OOVVEERRAALLLL SSCCOORREE::

If you scored between 90 and 100, you are well balancedand are able to bounce back immediately.

If you scored between 80 and 90, you need time to workthings through your mind before you bounce back.

If you scored between 70 and 80, it may take some timebefore you can let go and bounce back.

If you scored under 70, depending upon your level of score,you may become resistant and hold on to ill feelings any-where from several days up to a life time.

Resilience Assessment24

Page 45: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

IINNDDIIVVIIDDUUAALL PPIILLLLAARR OOFF SSTTRREENNGGTTHH SSCCOORREE::

If your score is between 20 and 25 you are comfortable withthe strengths and are not afraid to use your power, love,wisdom or compassion.

If your score is between 10 and 20 you are less comfortablewith the strengths and doubt your inner abilities of power,love, wisdom or compassion. The lower the score, the higherwill be the doubt. Remember practice and experience witheach strength will change your scores over time.

Very much like when we don't have the experience of ridinga bike, our level of comfort is low and as we take smallsteps and practice riding, our comfort level grows anddoubt begins to disappear.

UUNNDDEERRSSTTAANNDDIINNGG AANNDD BBUUIILLDDIINNGG RREESSIILLIIEENNCCEE

The underlying motivation for our actions stems fromeither love or fear. When we are driven by love, we areopen, optimistic, and aligned to our purpose; qualities ofresilience. When we are driven by fear we are controlling,close minded and doubtful; qualities of resistance.

The way we think, feel, and act reveals whether we areresisting or being resilient in the moment. WWhheenn wwee ccaattcchhoouurrsseellvveess rreessiissttiinngg,, wwee ccaann sshhiifftt oouurr aatttteennttiioonn ttoo oouurr ppiillllaarrooff ssttrreennggtthh aanndd cchhoooossee rreessiilliieennccee vveerrssuuss rreessiissttaannccee.. You willbegin to notice that little effort or energy is required to beresilient and a tremendous energy is wasted resisting.

Resistance disconnects whereas resilience connects us to thelarger picture.

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment25

Page 46: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment26

The following table consists of individual qualities withineach pillar, further explaining how individuals with eachstrength think, feel, act and behave.

TTHHEE IINNTTEELLLLIIGGEENNCCEE OOFF LLOOVVEE

TTHHEE DDRREEAAMMEERR

How to build resilience with LLoovvee as your pillar of strength

1. Imagination is a great tool for dreaming big. Set asidetime to ddrreeaamm and do not be afraid to take actions withthe insights you gain. Small steps towards your dreamswill keep your sense of purpose alive.

Pillar

Love

Wisdom

Compas-sion

Power

BeingStyle

Dreamer

Realist

Harmonizer

Doer

ThinkingStyle

Optimistic

Strategic

Adaptable

Activator

FeelingStyle

Romantic

Openness

Curious

Creator

DoingStyle

Visionary

Learner

Supporter

Command

UnderlyingMotivation

Seeking connection

throughRelationships

Seeking connection

throughKnowledge

Seeking connection

throughService

SeekingconnectionthroughAction

Page 47: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

2. An ooppttiimmiissttiicc view brings heart and soul to what youdo. Your sense of conviction to see the best in everysituation makes you remarkable. Exercise this strengthon a regular basis to create maximum resilience.

3. Being hopeless rroommaannttiicc will help you find ways tolighten moods. You appreciate beauty and comfort.Find ways to keep yourself inspired so you don't loseyour sense of wonder.

4. A clear sense of vviissiioonn streamlines your efforts. Whenyour actions follow your vviissiioonn, you can achieve greatthings. Take a few moments and envision the outcomebefore you begin a project.

TTHHEE IINNTTEELLLLIIGGEENNCCEE OOFF WWIISSDDOOMM

TTHHEE RREEAALLIISSTT

1. A rreeaalliissttiicc view, cuts through assumptions and makesyou great at making decisions and tangible plans. Setaside time to plan, with clarity you can make greatprogress.

2. SSttrraatteeggiicc understanding helps you get to the heart ofthe matter. Use this ability to help yourself and otherssee through the not so obvious.

3. OOppeennnneessss makes you seek and understand differentways of looking at situations or information. This makesyour ability to grasp complex information with ease.Your strength is in problem dissolving. Use this ability tohelp others solve complex issues.

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment27

Page 48: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

4. With lleeaarrnniinngg as your focus, you are on the lookout togain deep understanding of the who, what, when,where and how. Keep some time aside for thought-provoking questions, as these questions will providemuch clear direction for you.

TTHHEE IINNTTEELLLLIIGGEENNCCEE OOFF CCOOMMPPAASSSSIIOONN

TTHHEE HHAARRMMOONNIIZZEERR

1. Valuing hhaarrmmoonnyy means going out of your way to seekresolution. Your compassion makes you see everyone'spoint of view. Strengthen this ability by bringing twopeople in conflict together.

2. The quality of aaddaappttaabbiilliittyy comes from a deep sense oflove for life. Connecting with nature strengthens thisability. Take the time to be in nature and deepen thatsense of love for life.

3. A sense of ccuurriioossiittyy makes you a great listener andproblem solver. Where people can become stuck, yourcuriosity will find a way out. Use this strength to helpyourself and others move through rigidity.

4. When the capacity to ssuuppppoorrtt is tremendous, your senseof joy comes from contributing. Look for ways to helpstrengthen this ability and you will discover feelings ofgreatness and gratitude within you.

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment28

Page 49: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

TTHHEE IINNTTEELLLLIIGGEENNCCEE OOFF PPOOWWEERR

TTHHEE DDOOEERR

1. As a ddooeerr, you like to keep yourself busy and involved innew and different projects. Take short breaks andschedule non-work related activities such as fun, play,walks, etc. This will create a balance between work andplay providing focus and clarity to take precise andpositive actions.

2. The sense of aaccttiivvaattiioonn is such that you don't like towaste any time between decision and action. Your mindis active with what's next. Take time to slow down andgain clarity for the next action.

3. Your sense of power comes from ccrreeaattiinngg.. Your desireto act is to bring something new to existence. Yoursense of creation will strengthen when you balance theaction with envisioning and planning.

4. Your sense of ccoommmmaanndd is incredible. You are great atleading and taking charge. Once you have the clarity,you use your power and presence to accomplish projects.Take the time to sell your idea to your team before youset forth your command. This will ensure committedand focused action from your team or family members.

Now we are ready to take courageous steps to look at theunderlying fears and dismantle them so we can live ourlives fully.

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment29

Page 50: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment30

How can we fully bring all four styles alive?

Fear blocks us from bringing all four styles to life. We canexplore our fears through the questionnaire we took earlier.Let us take a closer look at the specific questions to whichwe gave ourselves a low score. The low score indicates ourresistance to embracing love, power, compassion or wisdom.The underlying resistance is fear. Taking small risks to over-come the fear transforms our resistance to resilience.

Let us now take a closer look at the statements with lowscores and examine the underlying fear.

PPIILLLLAARR OOFF LLOOVVEE

Category with Low Score Possible Fears

1 I am a dreamer Fear of the unknown

2 I am happy connecting Fear of rejectionwith people

3 I rejoice in little wonders Fear of intimacy of life

4 I am in touch with my Fear of intimacyemotions

5 I am a risk taker Fear of failure

Page 51: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment31

PPIILLLLAARR OOFF WWIISSDDOOMM

Category with Low Score Possible Fears

1 I am a realist Fear of the unknown

2 I learn best from Fear of the unknown/experiences failure

3 I am known for having Fear of failurethe answers

4 I have patience Fear of unknown

5 I enjoy intellectual Fear of rejection/discussions unknown

PPIILLLLAARR OOFF CCOOMMPPAASSSSIIOONN

Category with Low Score Possible Fears

1 I am a supporter Fear of intimacy

2 I am reliable Fear of survival

3 I relate to people well Fear of intimacy

4 I am a positive person Fear of failure

5 I am a good listener Fear of unknown

Page 52: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment32

PPIILLLLAARR OOFF PPOOWWEERR

Category with Low Score Possible Fears

1 I am a doer Fear of failure

2 I have great will and Fear of failure/command over my life unknown/survivaldecisions

3 I take positive course of Fear of failureaction in the face of challenges

4 I am a comfortable Fear of failure/following my instincts unknown

5 My inspiration comes Fear of failure/from within intimacy

IINNTTRROOSSPPEECCTTIIOONN

Small risks taken over time begin to transform fears. Whatare you willing to do to cross the bridge of fear? Take amoment and examine the fears.

Page 53: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

What are you willing to do today to move beyond thelimitations your beliefs have created?

As we begin to gain momentum through courageous steps,fear loses its grip and we are able to strengthen our senseof self. We begin to gain clarity and focus to what isimportant and meaningful.

Art of Resilience

Resilience Assessment33

Page 54: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 55: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Section III:

Reframing Patternsto Create

Possibilities

Page 56: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 57: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

8. Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain

Our education system has excelled in enhancing the powerof the left brain at the expense of right brain function. Inthe process of pleasing the system, a vast majority of peoplesuffer from the Rusty Right Brain Syndrome (RRB). If youfeel disconnected, bored, mechanical, chronically tired,stuck or even depressed, then you too, have been struck bythe RRB Syndrome.

Many of us who tuned out from the educational system,became the rejects of society. Some of our most creativeand prominent figures including Einstein, Edison and manymore were labeled as slow learners. There are millions ofthe not so prominent figures who suffered rejection andremain anonymous.

TThhee oovveerruussee ooff lleefftt bbrraaiinn tthhiinnkkiinngg hhaass sseeggrreeggaatteedd uuss ffrroommoouurr iinnnnaattee iinntteelllliiggeennccee aanndd tthhee uunnddeerr-uussee ooff tthhee rriigghhtt bbrraaiinnhhaass mmaaddee uuss mmeecchhaanniiccaall..

Let us take a closer look at the different functions of theleft and right brain. Remember neither left nor right brainis superior or inferior, they each have different qualities andwhen the power of the two halves is combined, great out-comes are possible.

Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain35

Page 58: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain36

While the left-brain focuses on logical thinking, calculatingand analyzing, the right-brain focuses on innovating,empathizing, and big-picture thinking.

A new way of thinking, feeling and doing is born when thepower of the two halves come together. It helps us transitionfrom a mechanical way of being to being fully engaged,interested and invested. Unless we are willing and able tofully engage both sides of our brain, we do not fullyexperience the unfolding of our natural intelligence.

CCuullttiivvaattiinngg aann aapppprrooaacchh tthhaatt iinncclluuddeess rriigghhtt bbrraaiinn aaccttiivviittiieessiinn oouurr ddaayy-ttoo-ddaayy wwoorrkk aanndd lliiffee iiss aatt tthhee ccoorrnneerrssttoonnee ooffbbrriinnggiinngg ccrreeaattiivviittyy,, hhaappppiinneessss aanndd bblliissss bbaacckk ttoo oouurr cciivviilliizzaa-ttiioonn..

AAPPPPLLIICCAATTIIOONN

How do we begin to build the muscle of the right brain?Right brain is all about the heart and understands thelanguage of love. Yes, it is all about love, connection andreceptivity.

Left BBrain

LogicalSequentialRational

AnalyticalObjective

Looks at parts

Right BBrain

RandomIntuitiveHolistic

SynthesizingSubjective

Looks at wholes

Page 59: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

What does love have to do with resilience?

Problems of cost reduction, retention, and all of the otherissues we typically face in the organizational world, maynot be solved with compassion and receptivity alone. Butwithout it, we are far less open to creative solutions thanwith a loving and open heart. Without being open andreceptive, creativity is impossible

At the end of the day, we either want to solve a problem,improve a process, better ourselves, strengthen our team,etc. Results are good, tangible and measurable. The leftbrain craves results!

Sometimes, when we focus only on the linear, tangible,results oriented world, we miss out on the creative process.

I'm reminded of the 3M mistake, where designers wereworking on a new glue. The glue was sticky, but not stickyenough. However, one receptive employee discovered thatit worked great for pasting paper on desks, books andwalls. This failure soon became the ever-popular "Post-ItNotes" product.

OOppeennnneessss ttoo ppoossssiibbiilliittiieess eexxppaannddss wwhheenn wwee bbrriinngg tthhee rriigghhtt bbrraaiinn ttoo ppllaayy..

Another word for receptivity is love. Even though love isour nature, we have become uncomfortable with love andcomfortable with frustrations.

We cannot teach someone to love or to be receptive anymore than we can teach someone to breathe. Just as wehave forgotten to breathe fully, we have also forgotten tolove fully.

Art of Resilience

Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain37

Page 60: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Love or receptivity is a function of the right brain and alsois the key emotion in stimulating the right brain.

According to a renowned public figure in Japan Dr MakotoShichida who has been researching the functions of theRight and Left brain since 1951, the first portion of thebrain that is developed in the fetus is the right brain.Intuition, humility, imagination, cooperation, understand-ing for others and love are just some of the many functionsof the right brain. By developing and activating theseaspects we are better preparing for a more positiveapproach to life.

He further specifies that photographic memory is hidden inthe abilities of the right brain. He states that most of us use3% of our true potential, or only 3% of our right brain.

A great practice is to be open to receiving love… the rightbrain responds to love. Love cannot be taught, it can onlybe received through being open. Once we become recep-tive, our outlook to life, groups, challenges and conflictchanges and we open up to solutions that most often areright in front of us.

When we become open to receiving, doing becomeseffortless. The work that took you two to three hours couldbe completed in less than an hour because you have morezest and are engaged.

AACCTTIIOONN

How do we become open and receptive?

We become open when we are relaxed. By incorporatingany activity or non-activity that will help us relax on a daily

Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain38

Page 61: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

basis will make us more receptive. Fully being present,listening to music, meditating, being in nature, a fine cupof tea, having fun and laughing are a few activities that wecan schedule for ourselves.

With a little practice we begin to undo the Rusty RightBrain Syndrome. Clarity emerges when our brain is balanced.

Art of Resilience

Resilience and the Rusty Right Brain39

Page 62: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 63: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

9. The Analytical and the Creative Brain

CCRREEAATTEE TTHHEE IINNTTRRIICCAATTEE BBAALLAANNCCEE UUSSIINNGG TTHHEE LLEEFFTT AANNDD TTHHEERRIIGGHHTT BBRRAAIINN

Living fully requires a well thought out plan, winningattitude and mental preparation to empower the self andgently overcome limited beliefs. In order for us to followthrough, we must combine the power of our intellect withthe passion of our hearts. Passion keeps our attention onthe grand vision whereas intellect shows us the way.With passion and intellect together, we can strive for peakperformance.

In this keen sense of performance, individual attentionmoves away from limited thinking to the bigger vision.Envisioning the big picture in turn creates enough fuel toignite a fire. And finally, submerged in the fire, limitingbeliefs begin to transform into strengths.

Intellect is brilliant at reasoning whereas the heart ignitescreativity, when the two forces combine, they lead to peakperformance. The strength of the intellect lies in rationaliz-ing and analyzing, whereas the strength of the heart lies inenvisioning the big picture. Intellect alone is too dry andthe heart alone is too airy fairy.

The Analytical and the Creative Brain 41

Page 64: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Those who rely on intellect alone run out of enthusiasmand those who rely on the heart alone lose touch with real-ity.

IInntteelllleecctt iiss aa mmuusstt ffoorr tthhee mmeecchhaanniiccaall nnuuttss aanndd bboollttss tthhaattccrreeaattee ssttrruuccttuurree aanndd oorrddeerr.. HHeerree aarree ssoommee qquueessttiioonnss ttooccoonnssiiddeerr iinn oorrddeerr ttoo ffiinnee ttuunnee tthhee iinntteelllleecctt::

o Who can help you achieve results? Is there someone you know who is looking to obtain asimilar goal or has already accomplished what you wantto achieve? Form an alliance partnership with someonewho can relate to you, where you both can become asupport network for each other. If you can't find anyone,consider hiring a coach.

o What actions can you take today to achieve your objective?Even the smallest action like writing your goal or envi-sioning it is a step towards achievement. As long as youare taking small steps toward the big picture you areindeed cruising along.

o Where will you find the resources to achieve results?Resources include time, money, enthusiasm, attentionand continuous support. When one begins to sustainenthusiasm and attention, resistance falls away and focusshifts to what is important.

o Why is the goal important to you? When one has a big enough “why” moving forwardbecomes effortless. For instance, exercising to lose weightis not a big enough “why” for me, as it does not coincidewith my top ten values; however, exercising to be moreenergetic so that I can write and speak with more enthu-siasm is inviting and enticing. Earlier I would sit for hours

Art of Resilience

The Analytical and the Creative Brain 42

Page 65: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

writing or conducting workshops and then retire to bedexhausted. Now it has become easy to set my laptopdown after every couple of hours and indulge in smallworkout breaks. Thanks to that, I have plenty of energyto write, exercise, give workshops and then spend quali-ty time with the family or write some more. Today,instead of saying I hate exercising; I remind myself of howmuch I love charging myself to live fully! In conclusion,connecting to the “why” is critical.

How else can we create results? Results follow when ourplan is fueled by a heart filled with dreams. Let us now takea look at the heart's dreams.

OOuurr HHeeaarrtt iiss tthhee ffuueell tthhaatt iiggnniitteess tthhee ““hhuummaann ssyysstteemm”” ttooeexxcceell iinn lliiffee.. HHeerree aarree ssoommee wwaayyss ttoo kkeeeepp tthhee ffiirree ggooiinngg::

o Make a list of all the successes you have achieved. One isgreat at remembering failures; however, rememberingsuccesses increases self confidence.

o Ask yourself, what is that one thing you do so well thatno one else can do? Begin by taking an inventory of yourstrengths or interview people who believe in you and askthem what they see in you?

o Look at failures as a stepping stone for gaining wisdom.Experience is our true teacher, what we learn through thehigh and low points in life are engrained in our minds.Instead of judging failures, look at the big picture onhow the failures have shaped us. TThhee jjooyy tthhrroouugghh wwiinnnniinnggbbrriinnggss ssaattiissffaaccttiioonn,, wwhheerreeaass tthhee ddiissccoommffoorrtt tthhrroouugghhffaaiilluurree bbrriinnggss wwiissddoomm..

Art of Resilience

The Analytical and the Creative Brain 43

Page 66: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

o Create ways to be inspired, through books, hobbies, con-necting with nature etc. Insulate yourself from day to daystresses and learn to detoxify through inspiration.Learning and reading about inspirational leaders whosucceeded against all odds is of great help.

o Create and visualize an enticing vision for yourself.Visualization is a great technique to provide direction tothe mind. Small visions provided over time enhance ourself-image and self-confidence.

o Make time to daydream. What made childhood sointriguing was our inquisitiveness and daydreams. Bringthose daydreams back from your childhood, and that willincrease your happy endorphins and keep you movingtowards resilience.

o Take the time to know the self and discover those aspectsof yourself that make you who you are. Some of us havegiven so much time to our education, career and familiesthat in the process we may have forgotten who we are.What is our reason for being? Indeed, self-discovery iswhat makes us resilient!

o Believe in yourself. Your belief system is the force thatwill move mountains in the face of obstacles.

o Honor yourself and have fun. Self-criticism is the numberone block in achieving success. Catch yourself in the act ofwinning and pat yourself on the back. Continue to boostyourself and honor the person you are. IIff yyoouu ccaann llaauugghhaatt yyoouurrsseellff,, kknnooww tthhaatt yyoouu aarree wweellll oonn tthhee wwaayy ttoorreessiilliieennccee.. Remember to have fun!

Dream big and allow the intellect to work out the nuts andbolts of achieving your vision.

The Analytical and the Creative Brain 44

Page 67: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

10. Reframing

WWHHEENN AALLLL EELLSSEE FFAAIILLSS,, RREEFFRRAAMMIINNGG IISS AA GGRREEAATT OOPPTTIIOONN..

I will explain reframing from an experience I had whilefacilitating a group. I encountered a participant we will callChris who would not buy into anything we discussed. Itbecame clear that Chris was not there to learn or share butto stand his grounds. The group was interested in learninghow to manage emotions in the workplace and Chris wasadamant that this was going to be a waste of his time.Within the first hour of the meeting, Chris conveyed remarksthat projected a sense of close mindedness, resistance andto some degree resentment. My only choice was to bepresent and continue to juggle both the soft and hard ballsthat were being thrown my way. When we experienceconflict, it is easy to forget that the conflicting energy whenmanaged well is a great source of transformation.

How do we reframe and regroup when our emotionalbuttons are being pushed and we encounter inner resistance?

When we begin to feel the resistance, it is important to beopen to the feeling so that your buttons don’t get pushed.After the fourth push back from Chris, it would have beeneasier for me to snarl back; however, I tapped into my lifesaving deep breath to stay present and safely managed tostay away from any unwanted knee jerk reactions.

Reframing from Patterns45

Page 68: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

After all, this was an emotional intelligence course and thiswas perhaps a great opportunity to model the behavior Iwas facilitating…

I coached myself into reframing the perception I was holdingof him – tthhee pprroobblleemm wwaass nnoott wwiitthh hhiiss bbeehhaavviioorr bbuutt hhooww iittwwaass bbeeggiinnnniinngg ttoo ccrreeaattee aa tteennssiioonn iinn mmee.. Instead of seeingChris as an interruption, I began to open up to the commentsand even went as far as asking for specific feedback fromhim. As the resistance in me dissipated, I started to appreciatehis presence.

As I became more comfortable with Chris, the push backsturned into light jokes and then into constructive dialoguesand then into laughter and smiles, bringing the groupcloser together. Not only was Chris adding value to thegroup, he was beginning to lead activities and was beginningto have fun.

At the end of the two days when everyone was sharingtheir biggest take away, Chris came forward and said thathe was a plant, testing the grounds to see if emotionalintelligence is for real and we all began to laugh out loud.

Whether Chris was a plant or not, I will never know… I doknow that reframing created a new relationship betweenChris and me and thus the group… Ignoring Chris wouldhave not honored the group to its entirety. Including Chriscreated a win/win for the greater good. Unattended illfeelings could have crept through the group, leaving somemembers dissatisfied. Accepting and embracing all aspectsthat show up in interactions with others generates thepower to transform negativity into creative energy whilebringing the focus to what is important.

Art of Resilience

Reframing from Patterns46

Page 69: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

AACCTTIIOONN

What is your initial reaction in the face of conflict?

Think of the last time you were in a conflicting situation?What good came out of the experience? What did youlearn? How has that experience added to your knowledgebase?

Conflict is inevitable, the practice of embracing it fully andreframing perception of conflict is where the breakthroughis possible.

Art of Resilience

Reframing from Patterns47

Page 70: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Reframing from Patterns48

Are you willing and able to stay open to the reactions in theface of conflict?

Reframing saves us from headaches and brings our atten-tion and focus on what is important.

Think of a challenging situation you are in and write downhow the challenge seems impossible.

What can you do to reframe the way you see the situation?

Once we have mastered the art of reframing, we can beginto create what we want in life.

There are times when reframing is tough and for thosetimes, we have included a few tools for you to pick from.

Page 71: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

11. Reframing Tool forDealing with Adversity

According to Martin Seligman, optimists make specific,temporary, external causal attributions. For example, "Ifailed this test because my energy was low." On the otherhand pessimists make global, permanent, internal attribu-tions. For example, "I can't believe I always have bad luck…I failed again!"

When my husband catches me stating “you never listen tome,” he gently reminds me of the difference betweennever and sometimes. Listen to your statements about life,people, and work and change the “never” and “always”statements to “sometimes”. When we change our perception,we change our reality.

FFoolllloowwiinngg iiss aann eexxaammppllee ooff hhooww ttoo uussee tthhiiss ggrreeaatt ttooooll ffrroommMMaarrttiinn SSeelliiggmmaann ttoo cchhaannggee oouurr ppeerrcceeppttiioonn..

Reframing Tool for Dealing with Adversity 49

Page 72: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Reframing Tool for Dealing with Adversity 50

AAdverseEvent

My workhas been

rejected forthe thirdtime this

week.

BBelief

I am a loser.

CConsequences

I feel lowabout myself

and amprone to

making moremistakes.

DDiscard

I discard thebelief: I am

a loser.

Think of ormake a listof all thetimes that

I have succeeded

or producedgreat work!

EEffect

I feelgoodaboutmyselfand amprone to

producingqualitywork

again!

AAdverseEvent

BBelief

CConsequences

DDiscard

EEffect

Taking the example above, think of an adverse situationand use the tool to reframe from the situation.

Page 73: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

AACCTTIIVVIITTYY::

How do we Respond to Emotional Triggers?

PPuurrppoossee:: To build resilience and gain mental flexibility inresponse to challenging events.

IInnssttrruuccttiioonnss:: Write down an upsetting emotion you haveexperienced in the last several days:

How did this emotion impact your behavior?

List at least three ways you could have interpreted themeaning of the triggering event differently.

1.

2.

3.

Reframing Tool for Dealing with Adversity 51

Page 74: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

How would these interpretations have changed your feelingsabout it?

IInnssttiinnccttiivvee bbeelliieeffss,, ppeerrcceeppttiioonnss,, aassssuummppttiioonnss aanndd jjuuddggmmeennttssppllaayy aa rroollee aanndd sshhaappee hhooww wwee tthhiinnkk aanndd ffeeeell.. BBeeiinngg aawwaarreeooff oouurr iinnnneerr ssttrruuccttuurreess hheellppss bbuuiilldd rreessiilliieennccee.

Now that we have practiced reframing, it is time to createpossibilities.

Art of Resilience

Reframing Tool for Dealing with Adversity 52

Page 75: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Section IV:

Creating Presence

Page 76: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 77: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

12. Keeping the Attentionand Focus on Solutions

No matter what your problems are, for the mostpart, solving them won't solve them. You will alwayshave a new problem if you do not know how tocreate what you want. And creating is no problem.

Robert Fritz

How do we do things differently to create different results?

When we are not creating, we are degenerating. To beeffective and efficient, it is important to understand andknow the process of creation so we can move beyondproblems to creating solutions.

When creativity is missing, following is the result…

o Medical science responds to disease versus creatinghealth

o Psychologists respond to fixing behaviors versus creatingnew structures

Keeping the Attention and Focus on Solutions53

Page 78: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

o Spouses respond to fixing the other half versus creating aloving relationship

o Corporate culture responds to blame versus accountability

o Parents respond to fixing the children versus creatingharmony between the child and themselves

o The Defense Department respond to wars versus creatingpeace

o We focus on problems versus creating solutions

Creativity requires openness to possibilities.

So where do we want to focus?• Problem (Objective)• Creativity (Subjective)

Our formal training was built with a focus on dissecting theproblem. When problems become the focus, creativity suffers.Creativity requires openness and a relaxed environment.Problems produce restricted and stressed environments.Resilience on the other hand takes the focus away from theproblems and shifts our attention upon the natural intelli-gence – the source of creativity.

When our actions are problem driven, our focus is on whatis wrong versus what can be created. Problems distract usfrom our natural intelligence, they give us the illusion thatwe are doing something extremely important and deman-ing. Our ego desires control and thus we all becomeaddicted to living with problems. Without problems wemay feel bored and lifeless. Our society as such has becomeproblemaholics.

Art of Resilience

Keeping the Attention and Focus on Solutions54

Page 79: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Keeping the Attention and Focus on Solutions55

Problems give us a false sense of security, an image of beingconquerors to making ourselves feel powerful. For most ofus, we have accepted problems as a way of live. Addictionsto problems is rooted in the mirage of self created fears.Why are we unable to change our self-destructive behavior?We may bring about change for a short time and then weend up being, doing, feeling and thinking the old way.

Creativity is an offspring of a vision that moves and empowersyou. Let us work on our vision.

Page 80: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 81: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

13. Creating the Vision

PPRREEPPAARRAATTIIOONN

Creating without taking care of the faculties that assist usin obtaining the vision is fruitless. Courage to reach for ourvision comes from strengthening each and every faculty ofbeing human, which includes physical, emotional, intellec-tual and conceptual. Taking care of and expanding eachfaculty brings clarity and vitality to align our mind, heart,actions and purpose to our vision.

PPhhyyssiiccaall ssttrreennggtthh is gained by exercising, resting, and takingactions aligned to our inspiring beliefs

EEmmoottiioonnaall ssttrreennggtthh is gained by doing what we love that isaligned with our values

IInntteelllleeccttuuaall ssttrreennggtthh is gained by gaining knowledge

CCoonncceeppttuuaall ssttrreennggtthh is gained by aligning ourselves to apurpose

Working with each aspect of being human, we movetowards building inner strength. In other words, we buildcapacity to become resilient. Resilience depends upon howmuch we nurture the four faculties of being human.

Creating the Vision57

Page 82: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Remember the last time you felt resilient, what was thequality of your feelings and the level of your confidence?

When we are energized, we are resonating with with possi-bilities. The quality of resonance moves us beyond conflicts.IItt iiss aa sseennssee ooff ccoonnnneeccttiioonn,, ccllaarriittyy aanndd ppuurrppoossee ttoo mmaakkee tthheeiimmppoossssiibbllee ppoossssiibbllee..

When we are drained, we are in dissonance and feel discon-nected with our sense of purpose. The quality of dissonancekeeps us in status quo. It is a sense of disconnection andconfusion, which makes the possible impossible. Can youthink of a time when you felt so drained and disconnected?

Let us take a closer look at the model of resilience.

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision58

Page 83: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

EELLEEMMEENNTTSS OOFF TTHHEE RREESSIILLIIEENNCCEE MMOODDEELL

The first element is the VViissiioonn – we all aspire to be and dosomething great. Think back to when you were a child andwere asked what will you be when you grow up? Yourresponse was immediate and spontaneous. As a child, Iremember clearly, when I could not find little kids to teach,I would teach imaginary students. Where did your imagina-tion take you as a child? We each have an aspiration. Forinstance, as a child if you imagined being a superman, nowas a grown up take a look at what great things you can doto feel the power of the superman without actually flyingwith a cape. For instance, we feel great when we help othersget what they want. Flying high is similar to connectingwith your greatness. Take some time now and write downyour aspirations.

Creating the Vision59

The Art of Resilience

Page 84: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

The second element consists of the resonance and disso-nance factors. When our focus and attention is in the presentmoment or we are involved with what we love to do, wefeel a sense of resonance and empowerment. When ourfocus and attention is traveling in the limited thinking, weare disconnected with what we are doing and we feel asense of dissonance or disempowerment. Under the influenceof dissonance, resistance sets in and any conflicting situationwill be seen as disheartening or negative. While under theinfluence of resonance, resilience takes over and majorconflicts become insignificant.

Write down elements in your life that cause dissonance andresonance.

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision60

Page 85: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision61

VISION

RESONANCE

DISSONANCE

PresentMomentThinking

MentalPattern

Thinking

Substanceaddiction

Processaddiction

RESISTANCE Reactions, Negative Thoughts/Fear

Negative Emotions/Anger/Frustration/Anxiety/stressNegative consequences/poor health conditions

The third element is an addictive behavior where in thehope to rid ourselves of dissonance or disempowerment,we adopt habits that keep us stuck in the status quo. Wefoolishly believe that by addictions of doing more, eatingmore, being more, or having more, we will rid ourselves ofdissonance and return to resonance. In situations whenconflict arises, we begin to aggravate the conflict by doingmore of what does not work.

11

22

33

44

RREESSIILLIIEENNCCEE MMOODDEELL

Page 86: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

What are some of your addictive habits?

The fourth element is rreessiissttaannccee which has a built-in alarmsystem that detects the dissonance and sends out an SOSmessage through the body. However, through continueduse of addictions, our bodies become immune to the dangersigns and fall under the spell of “victimhood.” We begin tosee the problems out there and take little to zero responsi-bility in creating the problem. Running away from realityeventually creates mega stress.

How does your body send messages of stress and dissonance?

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision62

Page 87: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Allow me to show you how having an understanding of thedifferent elements can save your day. A while back I wasfacilitating a two-day program of human excellence andthe group consisted of scientists. Some members of thegroup were adamant that they had tried everything andwere not open to any motivational theories as they cannotchange or impact people's behaviors. Telling them bluntlythat they cannot change people without first changingtheir own attitude would have probably backfired. Clearly,the meeting began with resistance and soon turned into afacilitator bashing zone. Conflict was at a highpoint.

I acknowledged the conflict openly while breathing intothe dissonance I was feeling so I could dissipate it throughmy breath. I brought my Vision to the forefront of my mind.(My Vision being to ignite the human greatness in everyparticipant) and then I let go of wanting to do more or bemore to resolve the conflict. I was listening with intent andbelieving in each participant's innate ability to bring forththe wisdom of the group in that moment. I asked a simplequestion, “how many of you are here today because some-one believed in your talents, your innate abilities?”

A participant raised his hand and spoke of his experiencewith his first manager who believed in him and brought thebest out in him. Then there was silence and people beganto raise their hands as they reflected upon their earlierdays. It was now just before lunch, day one. Throughoutthe remaining of the day and a half, we shared stories ofpossibilities and the group had turned into believers ofhuman greatness. They were ready to go back to work witha new perspective and inspired to create possibilities.

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision63

Page 88: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

TTAAKKIINNGG AACCTTIIOONN

For a moment go back to a time of dissonance, and feelhow the emotions showed up in your body? Now, insteadof reaching for the cup of coffee to shove the feeling,breathe deeply and bring the Vision to the forefront ofyour mind.

How did you feel? Continue to practice in family conflictsfirst where it is safe and then before you know it, yourresilience muscle would have strengthened to handle anyconflict.

Remember, shoving the conflict by addictive behaviors willtake you down south to the stress land and rememberingyour reason for being will energize you, bringing you backto your inner greatness.

Think of a recent conflict you have experienced

What are you willing and able to learn from the conflict?

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision64

Page 89: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Where are you today in terms of where you want to be in5 years?

Come up with a vision that will create a strong force of ten-sion between where you are and where you want to be.

What is your reason for being?

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision65

Page 90: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

What motivates you?

What do you love to do where you lose track of time?

Art of Resilience

Creating the Vision66

Page 91: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

14. Fully Experiencing andExpressing Vulnerability

TTHHEE KKEEYY TTOO CCRREEAATTIINNGG PPRREESSEENNCCEE

IINNTTEERRVVEENNTTIIOONN SSKKIILLLL

Do you notice the paradox in vulnerability being a keystrength?

Indeed, it is through the co-existing contradictions that weget to the bottom of what is REAL. Just as both day andnight co-exist and yet neither is real – the appearance ofday and night is a projection of the earth positioning awayfrom or towards the Sun that makes it so. In essence whenthe light appears, the shadow disappears. Vulnerability andstrength are very much like night and day. When strengthsurfaces, vulnerability is veiled and vice versa.

The Sun is like our natural intelligence or presence; justhidden behind self-doubt and fears. Intelligence shines asstrength when our attitude is positioned towards it and castsa shadow as vulnerability when our attitude is positionedaway from it. Both experiences are just that, simply experi-ences.

Fully Experiencing and Expressing Vulnerability67

Page 92: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

WWee ccaannnnoott bbee vvuullnneerraabbllee wwiitthhoouutt bbeeiinngg ssttrroonngg.. TThhuuss wwhheennwwee aallllooww oouurrsseellvveess ttoo bbee ffuullllyy vvuullnneerraabbllee wwee ooppeenn uupp ttooggrreeaatt pprreesseennccee..

AAPPPPLLIICCAATTIIOONN

Why is it important to be comfortable and present to vulner-ability?

Before I understood the true value of vulnerability, I wouldput on a façade to appear to be perfect in front of a group.Only showing and sharing my best and happy side. It wasfun but did not bring the group closer. As a matter of fact Inoticed that I was standing on a stage performing for thegroup, making sure I had the answers and I looked good. Itwas a few years back when our son began to abuse marijuana,my perception shifted. The experience of being there forhim and supporting him find his way back to recovery,re-connected me with my vulnerabilities. I am grateful forthe experience as it brought me down from the stage andhas made me become a part of the greater whole. I am notafraid to show my vulnerability today and this fearlessnessallows me to be real and present.

The enormous amount of energy that was used to hide thedoubts and fears is now being used to be real and present.This way of being is so effortless.

I remember the time when it was difficult to admit that I donot have all the answers. We were taught to wing it if wedidn't know the answer. Winging it was not the best choice.The feelings of hiding what I did not know, stole from mypresence. Remember there is no place to hide the shadow.Today it is easier for me to admit I don't have all the

Art of Resilience

Fully Experiencing and Expressing Vulnerability68

Page 93: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

answers, when there is nothing to hide, the entire focus,attention and energy is spent on being present to the nat-ural intelligence within me and the people. ““MMoovviinngg aawwaayyffrroomm wwiinnggiinngg iitt”” ggiivveess mmee wwiinnggss ttoo bbee iinn tthhee ffllooww..

AACCTTIIOONN

Do not be afraid to share your vulnerabilities along withyour strengths. You will be surprised on how quickly peopleopen up to you. Vulnerability is a shared reality.

TThhrrooww aawwaayy tthhee mmaasskk ooff ppeerrffeeccttiioonn,, tthhiiss wwiillll aallllooww yyoouu ttoobbee ccoommffoorrttaabbllee wwiitthh yyoouurrsseellff aanndd ootthheerrss..

Be willing to laugh at yourself when you make a blunder.

As a parent learn from your children, as a manager learnfrom your subordinates, as a teacher learn from yourstudents. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable. BBeeccoommffoorrttaabbllee wwiitthh nnoott kknnoowwiinngg aanndd nnoottiiccee hhooww mmuucchh yyoouuooppeenn uupp ttoo lleeaarrnniinngg..

Next time you are feeling vulnerable, be open to it and donot hide from it, instead allow the light of natural intelli-gence to shine by being present to the vulnerability.

When you don't know what to do, remember to trust theprocess and breathe as the most appropriate next step doessurface through your inner wisdom.

Being comfortable with vulnerability is a true strength.

As we begin to build resilience, we begin to create healthyboundaries for ourselves and others. We begin to have

Art of Resilience

Fully Experiencing and Expressing Vulnerability69

Page 94: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Fully Experiencing and Expressing Vulnerability70

clarity and our focus is in the moment. This “in themoment” connection is a reflection of our inner-work. Itheightens our ability to tune in, listen to, and relate to our-selves and others.

Page 95: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

15. The Art of Resilient Living

In the pursuit of knowledge everyday something isadded. In the pursuit of wisdom everyday somethingis dropped.

Lao Tsu, circa 2500 BC

BBUUIILLDDIINNGG TTHHEE PPRRAACCTTIICCEE

IINNTTEERRVVEENNTTIIOONN SSKKIILLLL

Creating space to naturally be and share your innate gifts,talents and wisdom is an art. There are no experts. Resilientliving is a life-long discipline, a practice when cultivatedenables the art of happiness.

A great way to live is to learn from the organic processinherently known to artists. A master sculptor uses hercreativity to first see the living formation present as thefinal masterpiece within the rock. The formation comes tolife because there is no separation between the creator,creating and creation. In that moment of seeing, the artistlets go of all pre-conceived notions and embraces the

The Art of Resilient Living71

Page 96: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

process of becoming. It is in letting go that the separationdissolves and something new is born.

Creativity emerges as we sense and trust our naturalintelligence. Trust teaches us to be in the moment, allowingthe natural wisdom to re-surface.

In most corporate cultures, the mechanics of what and howcarry more weight than the simple art of being. While themechanics are critical for planning and designing, if notbalanced with the art of being, they can become a sourceof burden.

A skilled master invests time and energy into planning,designing and the art of being. When time comes to create,she lets go the structure, mechanics and at times even thegoal. The letting go allows her to be fully present to whatis, where she becomes one with the process of being. Verymuch like a brilliant demonstration I saw of Evelyn Glennie,a deaf percussionist. She led the audience through anexploration of music as an expression of human experience.Her demonstration was soul provoking as she taught theaudience to listen to the music with the whole body. Herwords and expressions were conveyed with conviction asshe spoke of the importance of listening first to yourself,including your emotions and intent.

The most striking memory was listening to the two sounds,with the stick held tightly versus loosely. The tightly heldstick created a thud like sound and the loosely held stickcreated a magical sound. Evelyn explains that soul movingmusic is created when the percussionist becomes one withthe stick. You need not hold on to something you are a partof. In Evelyn's words, “not holding on too tight creates a lotmore dynamic with far less effort.”

Art of Resilience

The Art of Resilient Living72

Page 97: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Evelyn shows that to fully enjoy the music one must tuneinto the subtle nuance and feel the resonance of music inthe body. Merely listening with the ear creates sound oreven noise, but does not create soul provoking music.Similarly to live life fully and bring our innate wisdom tothe surface requires more than mere knowledge andplanning. It requires tuning in to the subtle nuance andcreating space for something new to be born.

AAPPPPLLIICCAATTIIOONN

How many times do we hold on to ideas and knowledge ina rigid way? In letting go we trust the right action or noaction to show up at the precise time, as it is part of theprocess. In this letting go, we actively listen, participate andare fully engaged in the moment, thus creating the openspace for an effortless action to take place.

A good point to start with what is in front of us is by askinga simple question:

Are we feeling a sense of resistance or resilience? In otherwords are we feeling restriction or freedom?

Restriction is a good indicator that we are holding on tootight to a judgment, belief, doubt, or some notion. Whenrestriction is felt, stay open and bring your attention to thepresent moment and breathe.

A breakthrough requires the practice of self awareness andpresence. Being fully present without a trace of resistanceis embracing the ‘art of being’.

Art of Resilience

The Art of Resilient Living73

Page 98: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

AACCTTIIOONN

I contribute in a meaningful way when I let go of my needto be right or look good or score high and am willing to bea part of the whole.

The days I am able to fulfill my inner relationship throughself awareness and reflection, I let go easily. I have innerstrength to see beyond the pettiness of resistance. I havethe mental clarity to see through things with wisdom. Andthe days I am unable to attend to my inner relationshipwith my natural intelligence and jump right into work, I amless effective as I lose my fluidity, my inner strength weakensand I misplace my sense of equilibrium.

What practice can you partake to heighten your resilience?

Let us now take a look at building a practice to heightenour sense of resilience.

Art of Resilience

The Art of Resilient Living74

Page 99: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

16. Complete Self Carefor Living Fully

Living life to the fullest in today’s day and age can be verydemanding and can take its toll on us if we are not preparedat all levels. A master resilience practitioner must have finetuned awareness and intuition to sense and act on thenuances of both inner and outer environments and standtall in the face of conflict.

How can we remain centered in the face of conflict?

We have touched upon the short term tools and techniquesthat can be used to reframe from conflicting situations.However, there are also 'habits' that take time to developand cultivate over time, similar to Olympic athletes cultivatingand preparing for peak performances. We will now reviewsome examples of these habits and practices.

When you take the time and discipline to cultivate nurturinghabits, be assured that it will empower you with high energy,awareness and presence. You will be a model for others anda master of your own fate.

Here are a few self care examples to fortify us in all fourmajor dimensions.

Complete Self Care for Living Fully 75

Page 100: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

PPHHYYSSIICCAALL

Eat light and healthy. Heavy food, sodas, coffee, or junkfood does not support us. It impacts our ability to pay atten-tion and reduces our endurance. Breathe! Pay attention toyour breathing while communicating. This is particularlyimportant during moments of stress when we tend tobreathe shallow. Steady, deep, and slow breathing helpskeep us present, and provides our brain cells with optimallevels of oxygen for acute mental clarity. Exercise or regularwalks keeps our heart rate in great condition.

MMEENNTTAALL

Check the messages we are sending to ourselves. If we hearnegative, self-defeating, or judgmental thoughts, stop andreplace them with thoughts about how we would ideallylike things to turn out. Most successful people talk aboutvisualizing their success prior to it happening. Yet most ofus are drawn to visualizing failure. Our negative thoughtsabout what might happen is fantasy anyway, so doesn't itmake sense to win in our own fantasy?

EEMMOOTTIIOONNAALL

Attend to any nagging feelings we might have. If some-thing is bothering us that can be handled with a quickconversation or action on our part, we must handle it so itdoes not sap our energy. If we have heavy feelings aboutsomething that can't be handled right away, we must allowto give ourselves permission to have the feelings. Expresswhat we can through journaling, conversation with afriend, or private reflection prior to the event and make an

Art of Resilience

Complete Self Care for Living Fully 76

Page 101: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

appointment with ourselves at a time when we can dealwith this issue further.

CCOONNCCEEPPTTUUAALL

Grounding, centering, or connecting with the sense ofbeing are very important to effective living. Some peopleuse practices such as walking, meditation, Tai Chi, marshalarts, etc., to enhance their connection with somethinggreater than themselves. This will provide a source beyondour own ego to draw on when we experience setbacks.

TTAASSKK

Let us make a list of tasks where we have been procrastinat-ing, for instance balancing a check book is something thatdrains my energy and I use up a lot of energy keepingvague numbers in my mind with approximate balance. Ialso become vulnerable to spending more time thanrequired to unnecessarily checking the account more timesthan I need to. Procrastination exists due to underlyinglimited beliefs. Whether the belief is producing feelings ofdiscomfort dealing with details or overwhelming tasks,underneath the distress is fear. One of my fears aroundtaking the time to balance a check book is missing out onsomething fun, creative or wonderful. I run away fromtedious tasks believing that I will miss out on a grand ideaor fun. I gently remind myself that fun and grand ideas donot disappear, instead we push them away through ourlimited beliefs. When I look at the big picture as to howmuch energy is wasted procrastinating, I recognize that itwould serve me to just balance the check book or delegateit.

Art of Resilience

Complete Self Care for Living Fully 77

Page 102: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

The impact my limited beliefs have on my overall stresslevel is tremendous. The key is to list the tasks and how thelimited belief is stealing time and energy from us. After wesee the impact of the task on our mental well being,reframing from procrastination to just doing it becomes ano brainer.

This will help us free the resistance and provide clarity towork on what matters.

PPRRAACCTTIICCEE

Decide on at least one self-care habit and practice it dailyfor the entire week.

With everything we have discovered or re-discovered aboutourselves, let us put it together in a form of Mind Map inthe next chapter. Are you ready?

Art of Resilience

Complete Self Care for Living Fully 78

Page 103: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Section V:

Letting Go and Living Fully

Page 104: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 105: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

17. Creating Mind Map for Results

BBEECCOOMMEE OONNEE WWIITTHH YYOOUURR VVIISSIIOONN OOFF SSUUCCCCEESSSS

Tiger Woods uses the high vibration energy of vision andbecomes one with his swing before he hits the ball. Becomeone with your vision. This will act as a high vibration, inspiringand energizing you to aligned and focused action!

Moving beyond challenges with vviissiioonn, ppaassssiioonn, lloovvee andccoouurraaggee.

It is easy to lose sight of what is important when we becomecaught up in the day to day challenges of work and life.How can we create a “compelling way of being” in today'sworld, that becomes a guiding force to pull us throughtough times?

Imagine how Gandhi felt when his people were dying infront of his eyes. Did the word “impossible” cross his mind?Was he overwhelmed with challenges? Did doubt and fearbegin to break his confidence? Gandhi experienced all ofthe above and probably more, however, he stood for whathe believed in. He proved his vision, passion, love and

Creating Mind Map for Results79

Page 106: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

courage to be more powerful than an entire army withweaponry.

Gandhi knew how to tap into his natural intelligence.

To him each challenge was a stepping stone that broughthim closer to his vision. What kept him moving against allodds was the love he had for his people and his enduringvision to free India.

How do we tap into our natural intelligence in the face ofchallenges?

The answer lies in creating a compelling vision fueled withpassion, love and courage. The whole is greater than thesum of its parts. A compelling vision has the power to trans-form challenges into opportunities.

PPAASSSSIIOONN IINN AACCTTIIOONN!!

Passion is an intense desire potent enough to movemountains. The intensity of passion empowers us to act.However, PPaassssiioonn wwiitthhoouutt vviissiioonn bbrreeeeddss ffrruussttrraattiioonn.. It is likehaving the energy of a rocket and not knowing what to dowith it. Vision becomes the guiding force to direct this rawenergy.

For instance, when my passion overtakes my writing, Iforget to simplify concepts and ideas. When my editorprovides constructive feedback, my blind passion perceivesit as an attack to my ego and spells it as absolute criticism.However, when my attention shifts to the bigger vision ofhelping individuals transform their lives through my writing,it becomes easy to move from criticism to acceptance.

Creating Mind Map for Results80

Page 107: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

CCOOUURRAAGGEE IINN AACCTTIIOONN!!

Courage is the ability to confront fear in the face of uncer-tainty. When we continue to act in the face of fear, we buildcourage and gain wisdom.

Fifteen years back, when I first had a vision to become amotivational speaker, I joined toastmasters. I still rememberthe first few talks, being in front of people was nerve-racking. I invested plenty of time in preparation andimagined a great outcome. I didn't think my imaginationwas far-fetched because logically speaking; I had a power-ful opening, related sub topics that flowed nicely and athought-provoking closing.

D-day arrived and in spite of feeling nervous, I began myspeech and the opening was great. I was moving alongnicely till I noticed a couple of people in the audience havinga side bar conversation. In that moment of distraction Ifroze and lost my train of thought. I took it personally andthought that my speech was not captivating enough forthem. I became so demoralized in that moment that Iexcused myself and could barely keep the tears from rollingdown my eyes.

Now when I look back, I am glad I did not give up in theface of fear. I went right back the following week and inspite of my nerves, gave an astounding speech. Today, Iwould not be where I am if I did not persist in the face ofuncertainty and self doubt.

Creating Mind Map for Results81

Page 108: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

LLOOVVEE IINN AACCTTIIOONN!!

Like passion love is perhaps one of the most intense emotion.Language fails to describe the power of love. One has toexperience it to know it.

Remember when you first fell in love, you were on cloudnine because love has wings that can make you fly. Whenwe fall in love, a greater emotion overtakes our sense ofbeing, and the wings help us leap beyond fear. Love has thequality of unification, connection and it finds ways to makethe impossible possible. When we love we are able to ridethe waves of challenges with ease. We become willing tomove beyond the mundane.

Love is what Gandhi felt for his country, Michelangelo forart, Beethoven for music, and Martin Luther king Jr. forequality.

IInn ttooddaayy''ss wwoorrlldd tthhee mmoosstt eexxpprreesssseedd eemmoottiioonn iiss ffrruussttrraattiioonnaanndd tthhee lleeaasstt eexxpprreesssseedd eemmoottiioonn iiss lloovvee.. WWhhaatt ccaann wwee ddoo ttooiinndduuccee lloovvee iinnttoo oouurr wwoorrlldd ooff hhoommee aanndd bbuussiinneessss??

LLoovvee wwiitthhoouutt ppaassssiioonn,, vviissiioonn aanndd ccoouurraaggee bbeeccoommeess aannuunnffuullffiilllleedd ddrreeaamm..

VVIISSIIOONN IINN AACCTTIIOONN!!

Vision is an intelligent foresight that generates greatpossibilities for the future. Is your vision compelling enoughto move you to meaningful action? Do you believe in it?Your vision is something you hold with all your might,belief, and passion. Gandhi's vision was held in his heart

Creating Mind Map for Results82

Page 109: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

and soul. He stood for what he believed in and his actionswere aligned with his vision.

A compelling vision can become a guiding force that bringsus back to “what is important” when we become over-whelmed or sidetracked.

There are always plenty of opportunities and possibilitiesaround us; however, when we know what we stand for, wehave clarity and are thus able to choose the most appropriateopportunity that is aligned with our vision.

VViissiioonn wwiitthhoouutt ppaassssiioonn,, ccoouurraaggee aanndd lloovvee bbeeccoommeess aa ppiiee iinntthhee sskkyy..

Clarity is crucial to keep vision, passion, love and couragealive. There are many ways to gain clarity. What I findeffective is scheduling two to three breaks during the day,where I spend fifteen to twenty minutes relaxing to quietmy mind and regain my sense of clarity...

The mind becomes overwhelmed with internal and externalnoise. RReellaaxxaattiioonn iinndduucceess ccllaarriittyy aanndd aa ccrryyssttaall cclleeaarr mmiinnddsseeeess ggrreeaatt ppoossssiibbiilliittiieess..

A great tool to bring possibilities to fruition is called mindmapping. The tool promotes a visual map bringing togetherlife-giving components of who we are and what we standfor. Here is a glimpse of the mind map:

• Vision as the destination point; • Passion as the fuel; • Love as the wings and • Courage as the wind between the wings…

Art of Resilience

Creating Mind Map for Results83

Page 110: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

I'd like to share the example of my mind map for clarity.

o Vision: Helping individuals discover inner greatnessthrough Self Awareness

o Passion: Writing, learning and sharing

o Love: Connecting to possibilities

o Courage: In the face of feeling doubt, frustration andfear, keep creating a meaningful life.

A visual mind map that can be viewed and reviewed on aregular basis provides focused attention and direction tokeep moving in the face of minor and major challenges.The visual mind map bypasses conditioned doubts and fears,moving beyond small possibilities to great possibilities. Iwas introduced to this map by my friend Kate Major in 1994and this tool has given me a great sense of clarity.

Before you begin to create your mind map, remember lifewill continue to bring challenges; however, being intimatewith our vision, passion and love and moving forward withcourage will ensure victory.

Answer the following questions before you begin to fillyour mind map.

What are you passionate about?

Art of Resilience

Creating Mind Map for Results84

Page 111: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

What do you love to do where you lose track of time?

How can you put your passion and love together to createa compelling vision?

Now try to put this together and work on a rough mindmap. Continue to revisit and work on the map until itbecomes a guiding force in your life.

VViissiioonn::

PPaassssiioonn::

LLoovvee::

CCoouurraaggee::

Creating Mind Map for Results85

Page 112: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

What is that one thing you would like to do before you die?

The following table is a Mind Map, a visual tool. Once youwork on it and fill it out, it will consist of all the associatedactivities in each of your intelligence quadrant. Write downin each quadrant all the activities that expand your sense ofknowledge, passion, courage and purpose.

At the bottom quadrants labeled tasks, list activities thatdrain your energy, for instance for some balancing a checkbook is draining and they can spend days procrastinatingover a task that takes a few moments to complete. The ideais to bring your attention and awareness to the amount ofenergy being drained due to the perception of undesirabletasks.

Once you have laid out the amount of resonance anddissonance you have on your Mind Map, look at how youcan reframe your perception and either delegate the taskor look at it from a fresh perspective to create resonance.The more resonance you have the closer you will bring yourvision to you. The more dissonance you have the furtheryou will push your vision.

Art of Resilience

Creating Mind Map for Results86

Page 113: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

Creating Mind Map for Results87

ConceptualIntelligence

Quotient

PhysicalIntelligence

Quotient

EmotionalIntelligence

Quotient

IntellectualIntelligence

Quotient

Task Dissonance

AssociatedActivity

AssociatedActivity

AssociatedActivity

AssociatedActivity

PURPOSE ORVISION

COURAGEPASSIONKNOWLEDGE

Page 114: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 115: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

18. Connecting to the Bigger Picture

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed awayby the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontorywere, as well as if a manor of thy friends or thine own were;any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved inmankind; and therefore never send to know for whom thebell tolls, it tolls for thee.

John Donne(1572 - 1631)

BBIIGG PPIICCTTUURREE TTHHIINNKKIINNGG

The ultimate aim of building our resilience is to interactand live in harmony with the environment and others. Wecan do all the self work in the world; however, the fruits ofthe work are realized when we are able to collaborate ourefforts and create harmonious communities, families andnations. We now have tools to enhance awareness of ourinternal thoughts and feelings, our resultant behaviors, andwork with our natural intelligence. We are now ready tolook at what actions can be taken to improve our relation-

Connecting to the Bigger Picture89

Page 116: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

ships in the face of everyday disagreements, miscommuni-cation, and conflicts. We are ready to move past our resistanceand live with resilience.

CCRREEAATTIINNGG UUNNIIFFIIEEDD TTEEAAMMSS,, FFAAMMIILLIIEESS,, CCOOMMMMUUNNIITTIIEESS AANNDDNNAATTIIOONNSS

A common challenge managers, leaders and parents face iscreating harmony and union. We may think the problem isthe individual's lack of motivation, skill, knowledge orcompetence, however, the solution does not lie in fixing theindividual. We can fix broken toaster ovens but individualsare not broken, children are not broken, subordinates arenot broken and nations are not broken. What is broken isour perception of what is not working. How can we shiftour focus to the aspect of what has worked and what is col-lectively possible.

We can use short term fixes through rewards, re-assign-ments or even punishments, however, uunnttiill oouurr ppeerrcceeppttiioonnsshhiiffttss ffrroomm bbrrookkeenn ttoo bbiigg ppiiccttuurree tthhiinnkkiinngg, we will beunable to collaborate our efforts.

In the face of challenge, blaming and giving up is a lot eas-ier than believing and trusting.

How can we create an environment that focuses on the bigpicture of great possibilities? The answer lies in fostering the natural intelligence by nurtur-ing, inspiring, encouraging, guiding and believing in eachother.

LLeett uuss ttaakkee aa llooookk aatt eeaacchh eelleemmeenntt sseeppaarraatteellyy::

Art of Resilience

Connecting to the Bigger Picture90

Page 117: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

HHOOWW DDOO WWEE FFOOSSTTEERR NNUURRTTUURRIINNGG??

One particular ritual is “circle of appreciation,” where youbring the family or the team together and each individualis showered with the gift of appreciative words from theteam. Everyone is acknowledged for either their successes,attitude, character, quality, etc. The “circle of appreciation”creates magical nurturing that generates a natural high inthe team. When we honor each member of the whole, theteams collectively aspire for greater vision.

We have had enormous positive feedback from conductingthe “circle of appreciation.” Some say that it was betterthan any team building they have done, while others feelgreat about themselves and the team members, and yetothers open up to individual's inner capabilities they wouldn'thave noticed otherwise.

WWHHAATT DDOO WWEE DDOO TTOO CCRREEAATTEE AANN IINNSSPPIIRRIINNGG EENNVVIIRROONN-MMEENNTT??

Inspire means to breathe in. We breathe in oxygen which isa life-giving source for our sustenance. It would be impossibleto breathe in a concept of oxygen. Similarly we can onlyinspire individuals with what is alive and moving and notwith concepts and tools. Concepts and tools without realwar stories are very much like breathing the concept ofoxygen. Inspiration comes from war stories of team members.Inspire the team with what people have made possible.Share possibilities that have come to being.

Each time the opportunity presents, I willingly share thewar stories I have gone through crossing the fire of doubtin self. When the story is real it breathes life into others.

Art of Resilience

Connecting to the Bigger Picture91

Page 118: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

HHOOWW DDOO WWEE BBUUIILLDD CCOOUURRAAGGEE??

Courage is built through facing and experiencing thediscomfort of fear. We have learned through culturalconditioning to hide the fear or shove it under the rug.However, Sonia Johnson's famous quote “What we resistpersists” holds true to what happens when we resist fear.

My fear as a speaker sometimes echo the following voicesin my head… “what if I freeze?”, “what if I am unable toanswer a question or clarify a concept to a participant'ssatisfaction?” The mind can go in circles creating storiesfrom past failures to strengthen the fear. The way I buildcourage is through expanding my natural intelligence by asimple practice of being in the moment. Disciplines such asTai Chi, meditation, connecting with nature or Yoga aregreat tools to build presence. As I continue to build presence,the fears begin to dissipate. The discipline expands mynatural intelligence to rescue me from my fears and in thatmoment anxiousness vanishes and my focus shifts to thepresent moment effortlessly. I am then able to confidentlyturn the stage over to an expert in the room or gracefullyadmit that I don't have the answer, and then look at it asan opportunity to learn.

WWHHAATT IINNFFRRAASSTTRRUUCCTTUURREE HHAAVVEE WWEE DDEESSIIGGNNEEDD TTOO GGUUIIDDEETTHHEE TTEEAAMM,, FFAAMMIILLYY,, CCOOMMMMUUNNIITTYY??

Other than setting rules, roles and procedures what helpsguide the team is formal and informal relationships such asallies, coaches, mentors, moral boosters, believers andcelebrators.

Remember we do not need fixing because we are not broken,what we can embrace is the inspiration, focus, belief, vision,

Art of Resilience

Connecting to the Bigger Picture92

Page 119: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

and our allies can provide this in a safe environment wherewe can blossom and grow into our full potential.

Just the other day, instead of leaving a usual note for myson with a list of things to be completed, I chose to write anote of appreciation – giving him specific reasons on whyhe is my hero. The entire focus of the letter was on his greatqualities. As I wrote the note, I was moved and teary andyou can imagine the impact the letter had on him…

What actions can we take today to appreciate our lovedones? When we feel the love and support from the family,we are able to extend that support to our community andthen to our work place and eventually to the world atlarge.

Consistent appreciation from the heart can move mountains.Whose life are you going to impact in a positive way today?

Art of Resilience

Connecting to the Bigger Picture93

Page 120: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 121: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Bibliography

Bhatia, Neerja, Bliss is in Knowing the Self, Rhythm ofSuccess Publishing, December 6, 2006.

Caruso, David R. and Peter Salovey, The EmotionallyIntelligent Manager, Jossey-Bass, April 5, 2004.

Cohen, M. J., Recoonecting With Nature, 1997.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, Flow, The Psychology of OptimalExperience, Harper Perennial, February 1, 1991.

Fritz, Robert, Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Becomethe Creative Force in Your Own Life, Ballantine Books, April22, 1989.

Goleman, Daniel, Emotional Intelligence, Bantam, September26, 2006.

Krishnamurti, J., Meeting Life, HarperOne, August 30, 1991.

Seligman, Martin E., Learned Optimism: How to ChangeYour Mind and Your Life, Vintage, January 3, 2006.

Bibliography

Page 122: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 123: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

About the Author

Neerja Arora Bhatia has more than 15years of experience in management,business development, marketing andorganizational facilitation and training.Her training background includesdelivering programs on such topics asemotional intelligence, leadership,situational coaching, change manage-ment, and communication.

Neerja is known for creating a life-altering experience byhelping individuals see through the not so obvious, the rootcause of problems. Her keen sense of awareness providesclarity and focus for her clients. Her expertise is in providingsimplified and experiential approach to problem dissolving.Her clients have included Philips International, BoehringerInglehiem, Schering Plough, Purdue, Zuric Re, Wolter Kluwer,Microsoft, Bridgeport Hospital, Selfcorp, Qwest and PhillipMorris.

What makes Neerja unique is her ongoing research andunbreakable belief in human greatness. She believes thatonce we begin to unleash our greatness, we becomeextraordinary. The unleashing is initiated through selfawareness. We are born impeccably astonishing, however,

About the Author

Page 124: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

Art of Resilience

the restrictions and fears we adopt while growing makes usordinary. We break free when we let go of the inheritedfears.

Neerja's formal studies included Business Managementfrom the University of Calgary and her passion includesstudies of eco psychology and consciousness. She haspublished Bliss is in Knowing the Self, a book on self-awareness. She publishes weekly articles for FacilitatorU, avirtual university for helping leaders, managers and facilitatorsword wide.

Neerja lives in Stamford, Connecticut with her husband andher two children. She enjoys spending time with her family,reading, writing, cooking and walking in the nature.

www.artofresilience.com

About the Author

Page 125: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the
Page 126: ARTOF RESILIENCE · Resilience”, to live better, and more satisfied lives. Heeding ... She stimulates the appetite to live life fully and provides the reader coaching along the

The Art of ResilienceBusiness/Psychology/Inspiration

Rhythm of SuccessPublishing $14.95

Resilience is the key to unlocking our natural intelligence.This book is a practical guide to recover from setbacksthrough awareness, openness, optimism and courage.Resilience is about artfully combining the power offeelings, critical thinking, and the will to take significantactions for reaching great possibilities. You will learnpractical tools to: • Empower yourself and others • Enhance your ability to live fully• Manage emotions• Communicate effectively in challenging situations • Expand personal influence • Increase your creativity

Neerja Arora Bhatia is an author, coach andan inspirational speaker. Her training back-ground includes delivering programs on suchtopics as emotional intelligence, leadership,situational coaching and change manage-ment. Neerja is known for creating a lifealtering experience by helping individualssee through the not so obvious, the rootcause of problems. Her keen sense of awareness providesclarity and focus for her clients. Her expertise is in providingsimplified and experiential approach to problem dissolving.

Neerja provides a lens on the subject of human resilience that isboth accessible (easy to absorb) and interconnected (linked towork in related fields). The combination creates an informative,compelling look on this critically important subject.

Daryl Conner, Chairman, Conner Partners

Author, Managing at the Speed of Change