Archer - In Which We Serve

ARCHER

“In Which We Serve”

Written by

Nick Douglas & Tom L.

SPEC SCRIPT: 4/23/13

[email protected]

ARCHER: “The Chosun Won” (spec script) 1/9/2014 1

TEASER

1. EXT. ISIS HQ -- ESTABLISHING – DAY

GILLETTE Wait, the U.S. Navy is letting us on one of their nuclear subs?

2. INT. ISIS HQ -- MALORY'S OFFICE -- DAY

A meeting in Malory's office. MALORY, a SOUTH KOREAN NAVAL CAPTAIN SEONG, a junior officer ENSIGN LEE, ARCHER, KRIEGER, and GILLETTE. The briefing screen shows the schematics for a nuclear submarine.

MALORY I don’t know why that surprises you.

GILLETTE It surprises me they didn’t hire an agency NOT indicted by the Senate.

MALORY Oh pooh, those findings were sealed.

GILLETTE Only because no-one wants to admit they still had to pay us.

MALORY Only the kill fee.

ARCHER Wait, there’s a fee?

MALORY THE POINT IS, we will be escorting an Ohio-Class submarine to its new home in Busan, with Captain Seong of the Korean Navy.

ARCHER Seriously, could I be expensing this? Cos I’ve killed like, twelve people you don’t even know about.

GILLETTE Way way wait. Why isn’t the Navy handling this?


MALORY U.S. policy is to arm South Korea without escalating tensions. But since our navy is a sieve of spies and sodomites, they’ve turned to us –-

GILLETTE holds up his hands, in mute appeal.

MALORY (CONT’D) -- to handle it under the radar.

ARCHER Sonar.

MALORY It’s a Black Op, so the Navy doesn’t know about it. So you will have to avoid both enemy AND friendly ships.

GILLETTE Yeah, this kinda stinks.

The Captain speaks in Korean. The Ensign translates:

ENSIGN LEE Unfortunately North Korea has penetrated our navy! They will stop at nothing to capture our nuclear capability!

Computer graphics show the Korean nuclear range expanding to the entire world.

GILLETTE North Korea fine, but the friendlies?

MALORY Well - the U.S. Navy might mistake you for a stolen submarine, and sink you.

GILLETTE Oh hell no.

LANA bursts in, angry.

LANA What’s going on?

MALORY (shouting out the door.)

GOD DAMMIT, CHERYL! IT’S A BLACK OP!


CHERYL So Lana’s cleared, right? Or is she only half-cleared?

CHERYL looks in the door, sees all the men.

CHERYL Wait, so why are you all in here?

Lana slams the door in Cheryl’s face.

LANA Is this about my perfomance review?

ARCHER No, for once, it’s actually cos you’re a girl.

LANA What?

ARCHER Subs are strictly mano a mano, Lana.

LANA That means hand to hand, idiot.

ARCHER Yeah, man’s hands. Oh! So...

ARCHER looks to GILLETTE, like maybe it would be okay then? GILLETTE rolls his eyes. Captain Seong again in Korean.

ENSIGN LEE (translating.)

Not you. No women on board.

LANA (about the Koreans.)

Who’re these guys?

GILLETTE Trust me honey, you want no part of this mission, and I’m not sure I do either.

MALORY It will be very uneventful, I’m sure.



Yes! It’s a pressure cruise!

MALORY Oh Ray, I thought you’d love spending a week up to your neck –-

ARCHER Mother, don’t –-

MALORY Up to your neck in –

ARCHER Mother!

Beat. They stare at each other.

MALORY (rapidly.)

Up to your neck in Asian seamen.

Looks all round. LANA sees Krieger, and she is outraged.

LANA I still can’t believe Krieger’s going but not me.

KRIEGER Can you operate a nuclear reactor?

LANA (pulling out a pistol.)

Can you take apart a Colt in five seconds?

KRIEGER The gun? No.

END OF TEASER


ACT ONE

3. EXT. SUBMARINE –- SOME WAY OFF SAN FRANCISCO -- DAY

The MV Moon is diving gently into the Pacific Ocean. We hear the diesel engines shut down, leaving only the faint hum of the nuclear reactor.

CAPT. SEONG (O.S.) [in Korean.]

We are now at operational silence.

4. INT. SUBMARINE -- CONTROL ROOM

A control room bristling with levers, dials, and glowing panels. It’s a tight space and everyone is squeezed close together. Captain Seong hangs up the announcer as Ensign Lee passes, leading Archer, Gillette, and Krieger through the sub. Gillette is looking super gay in a blue and white striped matelot shirt and white cap. Archer is in his black turtleneck.

ENSIGN LEE You must whisper. You make no noise. My orders are to take lethal action to ensure operational silence.

He screws a silencer onto his sidearm.

5. INT. SUBMARINE –- GANGWAYS

As they push through the busy submarine, continually having to squash into each other in order to let CREWMEN past. They are all WHISPERS:

ARCHER Come on Ray, don’t be shy.

GILLETTE I can’t deal with your gay panic right now.

ARCHER Come on, we’re on a mission. We got to put all that aside.

GILLETTE You’re not going to comment about my dressing like a Jean-Paul Gaultier rape fantasy?


KRIEGER I was.

ARCHER What? No. You’re in appropriate naval clothing.

GILLETTE Wow, that’s... really reasonable, Archer.

6. INT. SUBMARINE - REACTOR ROOM

Ensign Lee shows them into the reactor room. Radioactivity signs on all walls, and to one side a reactor chamber with reinforced portholes from which emanate a green ‘nuclear’ light. Homer Simpson’s desk, at which a Korean DR JEONSA, dressed just like Krieger, with the same hairline and beard, is furiously reading manuals.

ENSIGN LEE Our Chief Engineer, Doctor Jeonsa.

JEONSA (standing.)

Dr Krieger! It is an honor to meet the inventor of the Deboning Virus, for the first time.

KRIEGER It is good to meet you too for the first time.

JEONSA It is good you are here! I think we are having unidentified leaks.

KRIEGER looks at the control panel, flashing like a son et lumiere show.

KRIEGER ...and now so am I.

7. INT. SUBMARINE – STATEROOM

ENSIGN LEE Here are your quarters.

It’s a miniscule room with bunks barely wide enough for a body.


ARCHER Adequate! We’ll get right to work.

GILLETTE You’re not going to...commandeer the captain’s quarters?

ARCHER What? No. He has a lot on his plate, Ray. That would be insubordinate.

GILLETTE I... golly.

ARCHER Great. So does the rum ration come to us, or do we need to hit the cantina?

ENSIGN LEE There is no rum ration.

ARCHER Gin then.

ENSIGN LEE There is no alcohol aboard.

Archer blinks.

ARCHER This must be a cultural thing, because when you say pleasure cruise...

ENSIGN LEE No, you racist, pressure cruise! Pressure cruise means total silence, no moving, one week!

SLOW ZOOM on Archer as his eyes narrow.

ARCHER Ray, get the gun.

GILLETTE Aaand he’s back.

8. INT. SUBMARINE – REACTOR ROOM

Krieger finishes tightenting the bolts on the reactor chamber, drenched in sweat.

KRIEGER So, it’s righty tighty, lefty loosy.


JEONSA Oh, and ‘China Syndrome’ is a bad thing, right?

KRIEGER Sometimes.

Krieger, exhausted, lights up what looks like a rollie cigarette but will turn out to be an incredibly strong J.

KRIEGER So. Has the money for Project Rush arrived?

JEONSA Not yet.

KRIEGER But we’re halfway to Pyongyang!

JEONSA Wait, isn’t Rush II the fishmen?

KRIEGER That’s Rush III.

JEONSA They can’t ALL be named Project Rush!

Krieger passes the J over to Jeonsa.

KRIEGER It’s simpler. Rush I is the deboning virus, Rush II is stealing the sub, and Rush III is the fishmen.

JEONSA Why don’t we name the fishmen Project Beefheart?

KRIEGER (with out-of-proportion fury.)

NO NO NO NO! The album cover to Trout Mask Replica is a fish man, it will reveal our true aim to breed hyper-intelligent fish!

JEONSA So what shall we call it?

Krieger holds up a manila document file, with PHISH on it.


KRIEGER How about “Phish”.

9. INT. SUBMARINE -- PASSAGE OUTSIDE STATEROOM

Slow push on the door.

ARCHER (O.S.) HOW CAN YOU “FORGET” FOUR BOTTLES OF BRANDY, RAY?

10. INT. STATEROOM

Their luggage and clothes are all over the stateroom. Archer has his shirt off, searching frantically through the mess, aghast. Gillette is on his bunk.

GILLETTE It can happen.

11. EXT. NEW YORK CITY -- UNDER A BRIDGE -- DAY

Gillette handing them out to a hobo gathering like Oprah.

GILLETTE You get a brandy, you get a brandy --

12. INT. STATEROOM -- BACK TO SCENE

ARCHER (too loud.)

You know what can also happen? Night stabbings.

GILLETTE Oh, quit flirting!

ARCHER What? No. -- (holds his face.) That was seriously unprofessional, Ray. God, now I definitely need a drink, to kill the memory of that comment.

GILLETTE Archer. Don’t you think this would be a good time to, NOT drink?

ARCHER Do not joke about this, Ray. I’ve kept a hangover at bay for seven years, I can’t stop now.


GILLETTE You’re an alcoholic, Archer. And you’re lookin’ a little puffy.

ARCHER ‘Functional’ alcoholic, Mary Celeste. Wait, that was the boat. Never mind. Point is, I need alcohol to function.

GILLETTE You don’t have to function! Just get in your bunk, and shut up for a week. I’ve got Travel Boggle.

Archer GASPS and opens the door.

Ensign Lee is standing there, furious, pointing his muzzled pistol at Archer.

13. INT. SUBMARINE - PASSAGE

ENSIGN LEE (whisper-shouting.)

Be quiet!

Archer grabs the pistol, and knocks him out with effortlessly fluid grace.

ARCHER “Travel boggle.”

And runs off down the passage. Gillette chases.

GILLETTE Don’t make a scene, Archer!

Archer holds up the gun.

ARCHER It’s got a silencer.

14. INT. SUBMARINE - BUNKS

Archer runs through the bunks, overturning mattresses and rummaging in duffels. The CREWMEN remonstrate, but there’s a language barrier.

ARCHER (too loud.)

Booze raid, fellas! Might as well come clean, cause I’ll be looking in every nook and cranny--


He sees naked CREWMEN, showering and shaving. Archer’s gay panic is back online:

ARCHER -- all right not every, but, - oh god, towels on, guys. Anyone got any grog? Soju? Sake? I know that one’s Japanese, but maybe you, I dunno, import it?

We look along his outstretched pistol hand – A VIDEO GAME POV – as switches aim between several naked crewmen, all of whom look blankly back at him. He swivels round to see Gillette, who is pointing his own gun back at Archer.

GILLETTE Don’t make me stop you, Archer.

ARCHER (chuckling) The entire Chippendale lineup couldn’t make you do that, Ray.

Archer runs off. Ray lowers his gun, defeated.

GILLETTE (sadly.)

They’re havin’ an off year.

15. INT. SUBMARINE – PASSAGE OUTSIDE REACTOR ROOM

Archer is pounding on the steel door with resounding clangs.

The door cracks open, Krieger looks out, to a deafening blast of RUSH and a thick white cloud drifting out. They’re hotboxing.

16. INT. SUBMARINE – NUCLEAR REACTOR ROOM

Archer comes in with a big stockpot of cabbage.

ARCHER Krieger! I found this kimchi, or... something... in the galley, can you turn it into vodka?

KRIEGER Vodka’s a phony high, man.

ARCHER I’ll give you a thousand dollars.

We see Jeonsa with an already half-built still, hitting some of the nuclear reactor pipes with a monkey wrench.


JEONSA How many of these pipes would you call... “crucial”?

Archer coughs at the weed smoke.

ARCHER Wow, this is strong - christ – what is this?

Krieger, in a very Don Draperish pose, spliff in one hand, holds up a pack in the other:

KRIEGER MK Ultra Lights. “You’re toasted.”

ARCHER Wow. Anyway. I – wow.

Gillette comes in. The weed smoke has a noticeable effect on Archer and Gillette.

GILLETTE Archer!

ARCHER Ray. What brings you here?

GILLETTE I – (breathes.) - ...damn that’s strong.

ARCHER You know what would go great with this? (remembering.) Oh! Krieger! Yes! I need you need to turn this into vodka. Wait. Did I say that already?

GILLETTE (remembering)

Oh! Archer, come downstairs. The crew are doing... shots.

ARCHER You mean “below”? It’s like you’ve never gone down on a sub before.

Gillette makes to reply, but Archer cuts him off, shaking his head:

ARCHER Leave it.


17. INT. SUBMARINE - BUNKS

Archer comes in, followed by Gillette, both now red-eyed. A lot of the crewmen are standing around blankly.

ARCHER So are there cups, or are we sharing a bottle? Because there’s a thing on that guy’s lip, and I don’t want to cast the first stone, but...

GILLETTE (gesturing)

Guard the door.

TWO ARMED CREWMEN close ranks in front of the door.

GILLETTE Why don’t you have a seat, Archer.

ARCHER What is this, an intervention? (realizing.) Oh. Oh my god.

GILLETTE It’s gotten out of hand.

ARCHER (chuckling.)

Ray, Ray. Besides there being no-one in the world in less need of an intervention than me, you definitely can’t stage one during a mission! And don’t you have to gather together everyone who cares about me?

Archer looks around at the Korean crewmen. Gillette gives him a significant look.

ARCHER Oh.

GILLETTE We have tried.

ARCHER When?

18. INT. ARCHER’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT -- FLASHBACK

A champagne bottle blows its cork, with a little wasted spume.


Archer is seated on his own sofa. All the gang are here, standing; WOODHOUSE is just finishing up pouring them all flutes of champagne, but regretfully shakes his head at Archer.

WOODHOUSE On this occasion I must refuse, sir.

I’ll fetch the switch.

ARCHER sighs, puts down his empty glass, pulls a hipflask from his jacket pocket.

ARCHER Who’s to say what’s “too much” anyway?

MALORY Me. I’m to say. And you are drinking TOO MUCH, it’s affecting your memory.

ARCHER Oh come on. Don’t you think I’d know if it was affecting my memory?

LANA Ugh, that’s the point, dipshit! Okay, then tell me the name of that woman from last night.

ARCHER Obviously I can’t tell you that, I was drunk.

19. INT. STATEROOM -- BACK TO SCENE

ARCHER Wow, I don’t remember that AT ALL.

GILLETTE Now let’s all tell Archer how his drinking makes them feel. I’ll start. Archer, when we first met--

The two AMRMED GUARDS part to reveal Ensign Lee, with broken nose and black eye, and Captain Seong, marching into the room, weapons drawn. Captain Seong is whisper-shouting.



You are too noisy, and the captain feels the only way to guarantee our safety is to shoot you.

Do you have any last requests.

ARCHER A Sazerac?

GILLETTE God dammit Archer.

Ensign Lee pulls his gun. Then turns and shoots Capt. Seong. Gillette’s immaculate matelot shirt is spattered with blood.

GILLETTE Jesus!

ARCHER Wow, you really -- (chuckle) -- that was just a horrible shot.

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

20. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN –- UNDERWATER

The sub is half visible in the murk. The distant sound of unmuffled small arms fire.

ENSIGN LEE (O.S.) This submarine is now the property of the Glorious People’s Republic of Korea!

21. INT. SUBMARINE – BUNKS

Archer and Gillette are sheltering behind a bulkhead, periodically exchanging fire with Ensign Lee. Gillette is in get some mode, Archer is useless and trembling.

GILLETTE Wait, you’re North Korean?

ENSIGN LEE Stupid Yankee! How did you not know we are North Korean?

GILLETTE Is it racist to say you look kind of samey?

ENSIGN LEE Surrender and you will be shot!

GILLETTE We’re being shot anyway, bub! Though only one of us is shooting back, what the hell Archer?

Archer’s hands are shaking uncontrollably.

ARCHER Look at me! I don’t know what’s happening? What is this, fear?

GILLETTE You got the DTs.

ARCHER Is that what that is.

GILLETTE Seriously, you can’t go one day?


ARCHER I don’t know about “can’t”, but, it’s never come up.

GILLETTE Not even on a mission?

ARCHER Specially not a mission.

22. EXT. ALASKAN TUNDRA -- FLASHBACK

The Alaskan wilderness. Archer has crashed a snowmobile into a pine tree.

ARCHER Sorry.

23. EXT. DESERT -- DAY -- FLASHBACK

The edge of a small oasis in a wide desert of sand dunes. Archer has crashed a stripped down jeep into a lone palm tree. Lana is beside him, and Gillette behind her, both looking pissed off.

ARCHER Sorry everyone. Seriously, what are the odds.

24. EXT. BULLRING -- FLASHBACK

A Spanish bullfighting ring, surrounded by thousands of angry spectators. Archer has ridden a bull into the stands, crushing several people and knocking out the bull.

ARCHER Yeah, not even sorry this time.

25. INT. SUBMARINE - BUNKS -- BACK TO SCENE

Gillette continuing to exchange fire with ENSIGN LEE and his goons. Archer is shaking and useless.

GILLETTE It seems impossible now, but maybe if you were sober, you’d be a better agent?

ARCHER (A), how could I possibly be a better agent? That’s also (B).

Archer stands and squeezes off a clip in Ensign Lee’s direction.


GILLETTE You could shoot an enemy in a goddamn tunnel, for one.

ARCHER Well maybe I could, anywhere but the SS Patagonia.

Beat.

GILLETTE Is that cos that’s the driest -

ARCHER (over.)

It’s the driest place on earth, yes.

Gillette sighs. He pulls a little amber bottle out of his pocket, tosses it to Archer.

ARCHER ‘Dusky Marina’? I don’t know this whiskey.

GILLETTE It’s aftershave. I... also had high hopes for the “pleasure cruise”.

Archer swigs. Dusky Marina has a POPEYE-like effect on Archer, who wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve, takes a deep breath.

ARCHER Alright Ray, time to earn the kill fee.

They stand and advance down the passage at a confident pace, shooting with both hands, executing all CREWMEN.

They shoot Ensign Lee clean through the forehead.

The BUNKS is now conquered, bodies everywhere. Archer grabs an intercom.

ARCHER Krieger! Where are you, there’s a bloodbath out here!

26. C.U. KRIEGER

Picking up the ship’s intercom – basically like a CB.


KRIEGER What, literally?

27. INT. SUBMARINE - GALLEY

ARCHER Yes! Well -- not a literal bath, but, there is a lot of blood, yes. Half the crew mutinied, and they literally shot the others with bullets. We need you to, I don’t know. Help?

KRIEGER (INTERCOM) Let’s think about this, guys! Maybe the mutineers have good some points?

28. INT. SUBMARINE - CONTROL ROOM

ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL that Krieger is in the control room. He’s changed into a captain’s uniform. Dead officers’ bodies are still around, but KRIEGER is clearly the man in charge and his new crew is now running the submarine. Jeonsa is poring over a map, triangulating the way to Pyongyang.

29. INT. SUBMARINE - DECK B

Archer and Gillette are advancing up through the submarine’s decks, executing everyone. Now Gillette is on the intercom, while Krieger’s voice comes over the loudspeaker, so Gillette can reply and be heard, but Archer is only heard by Gillette.

GILLETTE Dammit Krieger, are you helping the North Koreans hijack our sub?

KRIEGER (INTERCOM) ...Yes. But they offered me a lot of money.

ARCHER What are we talking here?

GILLETTE Treason!

KRIEGER Only ONE BILLION dollars.


Gillette shakes his head sadly. Archer is circumspect.

ARCHER Obviously I have a will of tempered steel Ray, but there’s not a lot even I wouldn’t do for a billion dollars.

GILLETTE Marry Cheryl?

30. INT. DINING ROOM - FLASHFORWARD

Archer reading a newspaper at the breakfast table, bifocals on, a contented family man. CHERYL and their two tweenage daughters, both more annoying versions of CHERYL, are all yelling at each other.

DAUGHTER 1 Dad, tell Sharon to bite me!

DAUGHTER 2 (middle finger.)

Bite this, Shannon!

CHERYL Girls, why don’t you all bite Mommy.

Woodhouse brings Archer a cooked breakfast.

WOODHOUSE Permission to die, sir.

Archer’s face grows tense.

31. INT. SUBMARINE – DECK B

The same expression. Archer grabs the intercom from Gillette.

ARCHER (into intercom.)

Krieger? I’m in!

GILLETTE What?

ARCHER (into intercom.)

Down the middle, 50:50? Gillette, you want... (calculates) three percent?


KRIEGER (INTERCOM) Well there’s Dr Jeonsa to think about.

ARCHER Hey I’m paying my sidekick out of my share -

GILLETTE Sidekick?! Wait, no – I’m not selling a nuclear sub to our craziest enemy, and neither’s anybody else!

KRIEGER (INTERCOM) But think how much good you could do with a billion dollars!

32. INT. SUBMARINE – CONTROL ROOM

JEONSA A billion won.

KRIEGER Even more!

JEONSA No, one billion North Korean won.

Krieger looks blankly at him.

KRIEGER Really.

33. INT. SUBMARINE – OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM

Archer and Gillette have now advanced to DECK A, shooting the last mutineers outside the CONTROL ROOM, who are sheltering behind various control stations. ARCHER’s POV – they see Krieger peering through the porthole.

KRIEGER (INTERCOM) Did I say “dollars”? I meant one billion North Korean won.

ARCHER What’s the exchange rate on that?

GILLETTE There is no exchange rate, because there is no exchange, you ass! No one takes North Korean money.


KRIEGER (INTERCOM) Not with that attitude.

ARCHER I’m shocked that would you even think of us, Krieger.

34. SUBMARINE - CONTROL ROOM

JEONSA We will live like billionaires in North Korea. Some of them live into their 50s!

KRIEGER I may not have thought this through.

ARCHER (O.S.) Well think through getting shot as a traitor, or think through killing everyone in there and acting like it was the plan all along!

Krieger sighs.

KRIEGER Dr Jeonsa. It’s time to deploy...

ZOOM IN ON Krieger.

KRIEGER Project Rush.

JEONSA Are you sure?

KRIEGER Yes.

Jeonsa nods solemnly. Goes over to a control bank, and presses a button. The sounds of Roky Erikson & 13th Floor Elevators fill the submarine. He begins to rock out.

Krieger presses pause on the music.

KRIEGER Rush IV, then.

JEONSA I think we ate all of Rush IV.

KRIEGER The Deboning Virus!


JEONSA Oh. Yes.

Jeonsa produces a glass vial.

KRIEGER And... deploy.

Jeonsa throws the vial against the far wall of the Control Room, where it breaks. Jeonsa and Krieger then step outside.

35. INT. SUBMARINE – OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM

ARCHER Is that...it?

KRIEGER Yes, if you could just hold this door shut.

36. INT. SUBMARINE - CONTROL ROOM

Unearthly screams as the crew begin to liquefy, as they try to claw their way out of the door with fatal strength. Krieger watches the dying men from the porthole with a look of beatific pleasure. Archer is struggling to hold the door shut.

ARCHER (O.S.) A little help, please?

KRIEGER My hands are busy.

37. INT. SUBMARINE - OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM

The last of the attempts to open the door subside. Krieger turns to the others with a contented smile.

KRIEGER Operation successful.

GILLETTE How soon can we go back in?

KRIEGER ...Never.

ARCHER & GILLETTE Krieger!


KRIEGER (breathlessly)

It’s learned to metabolize metal.

A massive sonar PING rocks the boat.

JEONSA Ah! The glorious North Korean Navy has found us!

ARCHER Finally. Let’s just get to Pyongyang, I’m sure we’ll come up with a plan after a coupla hot rice wines.

JEONSA First, we must radio that we are not Yankee Devils.

Jeonsa makes to go into the Control Room, but Krieger puts his hand on the door and shakes his head.

JEONSA Oh.

GILLETTE You didn’t already do that?

JEONSA It was going to be a surprise!

Another SONAR PING.

GILLETTE Right. So. We’re trapped with no radio, in a sub we can’t control, that’s being eaten by a designer virus, in enemy waters.

A torpedo KLAXON goes off, and the room is bathed in red flashing light.

JEONSA And the Navy is hunting us down like dogs!

ARCHER What, like -- for food?

END OF ACT TWO.


ACT THREE

38. EXT. ISIS - NEW YORK CITY

MALORY (O.S.) They’re three days late to report!

39. INT. ISIS - MALORY’S OFFICE

Malory behind her desk, with Field Agents Lana and Pam sitting opposite her.

LANA They can’t radio if they’re too deep.

MALORY But why would they be deep? They must be out of US waters by now.

PAM Off the top of my head? Maybe the Commies torpedoed their noisy asses.

LANA Or they lost control of the boat?

PAM Archer started a mutiny?

LANA A deadly outbreak?

PAM Maybe all of those?

MALORY Oh please, each of those things is less likely than the next. I’m sure they’re fine.

40. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - UNDERWATER

In the distance, we see the submarine moving awkwardly around. In the foreground, the North Korean torpedo is closing on it.

JEONSA (SCREAMING, O.S.) Rudder hard right!

ARCHER (O.S.) What, my right or your right?


GILLETTE (O.S.) Dammit, Archer!


The torpedo klaxon has been turned off but the red lights are still flashing. It’s still super smokey in the reactor room, from Krieger’s MK Ultra Lights. Jeonsa is hysterical with panic, everyone else is more or less their usual self. Gillette has some headphones on and is listening to some kind of sonar arrangement. Archer, stripped to the waist, is being a greasemonkey turning lots of different valves. Krieger has his feet up on the nuclear control panel.

GILLETTE (CONT’D) We’re all facing the same damn direction!

JEONSA Hard a starboard!

ARCHER My starboard or your starboard?

GILLETTE Jesus!

ARCHER I’m sorry Ray, I’ve got like forty hydraulic valves here, it’s like driving a car from inside the trunk but less easy, although, I am kind of getting high on the excitement.

We see Krieger has lit up his powerful spliff again, and attempts to wave away the smoke cloud.

KRIEGER Sorry about that.

GILLETTE Krieger!

KRIEGER I am prescribed this for stress.


GILLETTE Torpedo impact in forty - thirty-nine -thirty-eight -

C.U. map of ocean floor. A finger traces a path to an abyss.

JEONSA There’s a trench two miles west!

ARCHER Statute or nautical?

JEONSA Emergency speed!

KRIEGER No, we used it last night. Oh, right.

JEONSA Red button!

KRIEGER My red or your red?

GILLETTE Torpedo in twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen. Seventeen.

JEONSA Trench is twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen.

42. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN -- TORPEDO

We move through aerated wake as we follow the torpedo closing on the sub; as the sub dives towards a seabed like Monument Valley -- lots of structures and weird canyons. The sub is trying to get into a giant trench beyond.


A very intense situation as the estimates between torpedo impact and diving into the trench are too close to call.

GILLETTE & JEONSA (simultaneously)

Six. Five. Four. Three.

The sub is rocked by a powerful blast.

44. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - SUBMARINE

A huge explosion, kicks up a lot of ocean floor.



Cyril comes in.

CYRIL Malory, I can’t figure out where we got ten million North Korean won from, and there’s no invoice code.

MALORY Ten million? Those cheapskates -- wait, what’s the exchange rate?

CYRIL Officially? 2.6 --

MALORY -- Hm, I suppose...

CYRIL Unofficially, zero, because even holding that currency, which I’m sure we aren’t because I’d have to have signed off on it, violates soo many laws.

MALORY You must have been sleep-signing documents again. I’ll have Krieger up the dose.

CYRIL (whining.)

But the side-effects...

MALORY You’re very fortunate I keep turning a blind eye to your condition.

Lana enters.

LANA This North Korean money wouldn’t have anything to do with the South Koreans we just sold a sub to?

MALORY It’s all a very complicated false flag operation, far above your pay grade. Don’t worry your nappy little head about it.


As she’s saying this, an African-American U.S. ADMIRAL pops up on Malory’s telecom screen unprompted, in a live connection.

ADMIRAL My “nappy little head” is more worried about my missing submarine.

MALORY (charming.) Admiral Maclean! (furious.) And CHERYL!

CHERYL (O.S.) What? He’s black ops!

ADMIRAL The USS Hawaii was stolen from dry dock a few days ago, and our sources inside ISIS tell us that you began a naval mission right around that time.

Lana buries her face in her hand.

MALORY You have excellent sources, Admiral.

ADMIRAL You’re through, Malory, you’ve gone too far this time.

MALORY By starting a rescue mission?

Lana looks up, amazed at Malory’s chutzpah.

ADMIRAL Rescue mission?

MALORY Of course. As soon as we heard about your negligence we sent our best men to pick up the pieces. In fact I sent my own son.

ADMIRAL Oh. Well. Thank you.

MALORY Yes, we didn’t tell you because there are leaks everywhere. (with a suspicious look at Lana and Cyril.) And you must be terribly embarrassed.


ADMIRAL Yes, it’s... not ideal.

MALORY And with you up for Joint Chiefs next year! Tsk! We’re doing everything we can to get your boat back.

ADMIRAL You’re a fine patriot, Malory.

MALORY Oh, tush. All I ask is the thanks of a suitably grateful nation.

The screen flips off. Malory turns to Lana.

MALORY (volcanic fury.)

“Contacts inside ISIS”?

LANA Now why would I be your first suspect?

Offscreen, Cheryl gasps.

CHERYL (O.S.) It’s a Black Op!

46. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - USS HAWAII

The sub careens off the trench wall and pinballs down into it, bonking from side to side. Above it, the torpedo spins into the ocean bed shy of the trench lip, sending up sediment, and a moment later exploding.

The USS Hawaii gets away safely.


Everyone has been knocked off balance, holding onto various bulkheads, the sub is angled down and rolled at a sharp angle.

GILLETTE Whiffed us!

JEONSA Emergency silence!

Silence. The four men eyeball each other warily.

The sub drifts down into the trench; for now all is quiet.


ARCHER And what, we just wait it out?

GILLETTE pulls a gun on Archer, and makes the shh gesture.

48. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN TRENCH

The USS Hawaii is cruising along the trench, sheltered from enemies. A long, accelerated camera move along the trench until a North Korean Typhoon emerges from the murk, just crossing over the trench, issuing a periodic SONAR PING.

49. INT. REACTOR ROOM

ARCHER (whispering.)

Okay, points for fancy footwork, but we do need an escape plan.

GILLETTE Sh, dammit! The plan is to not die!

ARCHER Seriously Ray, we’re deep in North Korean waters! What do we, sit tight and wait for regime change?

KRIEGER We could surface. How do you surrender in Korean?

JEONSA It’s the same word as suicide.

ARCHER We have to contact ISIS.

KRIEGER The radio’s out.

ARCHER So the plan is literally, hope they run out of air before we do.

KRIEGER (smoking a joint.)

Yes.

They look at each other meaningfully.


KRIEGER Unless we use cesium from the reactor to build a phone that runs on gamma rays?

ARCHER (whisper-screaming.)

Why are we not already doing that?

KRIEGER So... you’re saying I’m allowed?

50. EXT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- DAY

MALORY (PRELAP) Six million dollars! No less!

51. INT. ISIS - MALLORY’S OFFICE

Admiral Maclean is on the telecom screen, haggling with Malory.

ADMIRAL Three is all I have the budget for! We have federal oversight, we can’t just--!

MALORY I’m sure you’ll find boondoggles to trim, Admiral. You spend a fortune on body armor.

ADMIRAL Dammit, Malory -

The oscilloscope function on Malory’s desk computer lights up. It’s Archer, whisper-shouting.

ARCHER You sold a sub to the North Koreans?

MALORY Admiral, can I put you on hold?

ADMIRAL (exploding.)

YOU SOLD A WHA-

A large MUTE sign appears over the admiral’s face. He can be seen behind it, shouting and growing apoplectic.


ARCHER (whisper-shouting.)

North is the bad Korea, Mother!

MALORY (rising to a shout.)

I know that now. I’m having a very stressful day, Sterling, because you never call, and the Navy is looking for what turns out to be the USS Hawaii, and I need you to put it back!

52. INT. SUBMARINE - REACTOR CHAMBER

Archer is in the reactor chamber itself, in a radiation suit, cradling a large apparatus between ear and shoulder, his skull and clavicle slightly visible, trying to shush her. The noise of Malory shouting down the phone is the loudest noise in the sub. Archer winces against it, first trying to shush her, and then to muffle the receiver.

ARCHER Mother! Mother! Tell them where we are!

MALORY Do you know how rarely the Pentagon comes cap in hand, offering two years back-fees --?

53. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN -- TYPHOON-CLASS SUBMARINE

Drifting gently around the sea bed, still searching, when the muffled remnants of Malory’s tirade waft over them.

54. INT. SUBMARINE -- REACTOR CHAMBER

ARCHER (whispering.)

Mother! We are hiding in a can 20,000 Leagues under the sea -- wait, how big is a league, isn’t it like, a mile? Wow, so that’s a really deep -- yeah, we’re not 20,000 leagues, we’re like, one, but still, if we move we’re going to get torpedoed by some very bad men. We are going to die, helpless and sober, unless you swallow your pride and get the Navy to bail us out!


MALORY You’re sober?

ARCHER Not the time, Mother.

KRIEGER knocks on the reactor chamber window, also in a full radiation suit, making the wrap-it-up gesture.

ARCHER What, are the batteries dying?

KRIEGER Them too.

A huge SONAR PING rocks the sub. Gillette rips off the Sonar cans in disgust.

GILLETTE Aw, dukes, they found us.

JEONSA Drop ballast, crash rise, all speed!

ARCHER Oh. Wait. Never mind.

MALORY (O.S.) What?

ARCHER Yeah, we’re dead. We are literally, okay figuratively, fish in a barrel. And yep! That’s the torpedo klaxon. So this is it, mother.


Malory stares, horrified, and unmutes the admiral.

ADMIRAL -- HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR TREASON!

MALORY Calm down, Admiral. When your pension gets stripped it won’t help you one bit to know that I’m in jail.

Meanwhile Archer is getting sentimental.


ARCHER I don’t really know what else to say. I guess thank you, for, you know, hiring me--

MALORY (ferocious.)

Shut up and tell me your coordinates.

56. INT. SUBMARINE -- REACTOR ROOM

Gillette is at the nautical chart, using a pair of compasses to dead reckon their position, in amongst the chaos.

GILLETTE Eighty-five degrees, six minutes...

57. INT. SUBMARINE - REACTOR CHAMBER

Archer is relaying it to Malory.

ARCHER ...thirty-seven point eight five...

58. INT. BRIDGE, US AIRCRAFT CARRIER

Malory’s on the Admiral’s videocom, while he takes notes.

MALORY ...two three seconds east. Latitude...

Outside his window, a Tomahawk missile is fired.

59. EXT. TOMAHAWK CRUISE MISSILE P.O.V.

As it launches from the carrier, leaves the carrier group below, arcs through the sky, angles down at the sea, plunges into it, and accelerates towards the Typhoon.

60. INT. BRIDGE, USN DESTROYER

The ADMIRAL reading it out to a FIRE OFFICER.

ADMIRAL ...forty-four degrees, thirty-two minutes, twelve degrees north...

61. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - UNDERWATER - NORTH KOREAN SUBMARINE

A torpedo accelerates from the sub’s tube in a rain of bubbles. Zoom out, the Typhoon-class in the foreground, the USS Hawaii in the distance. The Typhoon suffers an almighty explosion-implosion


characteristic of submarine death. The blast also takes out the recently-fired torpedo.

62. INT. BRIDGE, US AIRCRAFT CARRIER

The Admiral and crew erupt in celebration.

63. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN SURFACE - USS HAWAII

The submarine bursts out of the ocean at a steep angle, the Carrier Group visible on the horizon, as a Speedboat filled with U.S. Navy and Marines approaches. Some way off, the debris of the sunk North Korean sub is floating to the surface.

SPEEDBOAT (LOUDSPEAKER) STAND BY TO BE BOARDED.

64. EXT. SUBMARINE - CONNING TOWER

Archer and Gillette are on the tower, wearing life preservers. Archer offers his aftershave to Ray.

ARCHER Dusky Marina? It’s not bad.

GILLETTE I know, it’s mine.

He takes it, and slaps some onto his face.

65. INT. SUBMARINE - CONNING TOWER LADDER

Krieger and Jeonsa are still climbing out of the tower, which goes by the Control Room door (which Archer had to hold shut earlier.) The metal itself looks like Dutch Elm Disease, and there’s a noxious green goo spewing from a hole in the middle.

66. EXT. SUBMARINE - CONNING TOWER

Krieger, Jeonsa, Archer and Gillette step off the submarine and into the Speedboat, just as the section of the sub forward of the Conning tower creaks and breaks off, and the whole thing sinks into the ocean.

GILLETTE Is that going to cause any problems?

KRIEGER Hmm, I wouldn’t have any fish this year. Or water.

END

Documents

Archer - In Which We Serve