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A word from our founderBy Anthea Ramirez, Chief Sharer

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Every now and then, my husband and I muster up the energy to take our kids to Chic-Fil-A, you know the one with the giant indoor playground. It is always packed and there are always a ton of kids; it is literally the definition of chaos. On this particular occasion, I witnessed something horrible. Three grown women berating a child and "popping" her on the legs with a belt.  Literally sitting within feet of my table, I witnessed the events unfold. I nervously looked around for help, other concerned adults made eye contact with me for a moment and then looked away.  I am ashamed to say it but I found myself frozen with what to do.   Frozen is not a word I would like to ever use to describe myself or my reaction to injustice. It runs against my very nature, but in this case I became consumed with analyzing every scenario searching for what would bring the least amount of payback for this helpless child. I tried engaging the adults responsible, but found this added more tension to the situation. I tried speaking with the little girl which I found to only add to the cruelty from the adult women seated with her.  The restaurant was packed, the employees were so busy, and then one of the ladies decided to take this little girl home for further "discipline."   It was then that I acted, taking her vehicle information down and calling the police. That is all I had.  Some passive aggressive solution to intervene on behalf of a little girl who's crime was crying publicly.  What I really wanted to do, was jump up,

pick this 8 year old up in my arms and save her from these women.  I wanted to tell this

little girl that she is precious, she is loved, and she should be treated better.   I think unfortunately, the propensity to freeze when being confronted with injustice is part of our human condition. Being frozen does not necessarily indicate the presence of fear, but rather the absence of a sound mind. There is this verse in the Bible that says. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7  

Just think about every major human atrocity that has ever occurred. Often we learn through history, that these atrocities were not only tolerated but became so normalized that few did anything to stop them. Products of our environment, we are more apt to freeze when confronted with injustice the more our minds have become married to the culture at large.  So trademarks of a pluralist society, tolerance, acceptance, understanding, which are all "good" become roadblocks to calling evil, well evil. If we want a sound mind, we need to start filtering the messages we become inundated with every single day.  If we want to act wisely, we will learn that this is not the same as following blindly.   The truth is the adoption world is in need of reform. We have made progress but have more work ahead to make adoption more wholesome for each person engaged in the process. But we can’t be frozen reformers, we have to be willing to share in open conversation to realize the work we have yet to do in this important field!

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The trouble with talking about ethics in the adoption world is that you may offend a lot of people in a big hurry. The trouble is that many people think that a discussion about ethics detracts from the efforts to find forever families for the millions of children around the world who truly do need a home. The trouble is that you may come across as holier than thou, a know it all, and as part of the good ol' boy and girl adoption club by sending the message "It was okay for me to adopt but you can't."

The trouble with talking about ethics is that it's hard to convince people who feel

certain that they're doing something to help needy and vulnerable children that perhaps they're part of the problem. The trouble is that it's not easy to consider adopting an older child, a sibling group or a child with special needs when we're biologically programmed to care for

newborns from our own gene pool. The trouble is that it's hard to ask tough questions to adoption agencies, attorneys, birth parents and others involved in the adoption process without coming across as cynical, skeptical and unappreciative. The trouble is that it's hard to wrap our mind around the fact that people get scammed and involved in fraud and unethical practices every single day in the

The Trouble with Talking About EthicsAshlee Andrews

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Continued on page 3

Adoption-Share Presents at AAPLOG CONFERENCE

 In February Adoption-Share Founder Thea Ramirez went to Washington DC to teach OBGYNs how to insert adoption into the option conversation!  This is an exciting time in

women’s health care when doctors are more open to presenting the adoption option! Click here to see a clip of Thea’s presentation!

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The Trouble with Talking About EthicsContinued from page 2

The trouble with talking about ethics is that we have to muddle through broad, complex subjects like poverty and to try and figure out whether or not poverty is a legit reason for children to be placed for adoption. The trouble is trying to differentiate an ethical dilemma from what is simply a hard decision. The trouble with ethics in adoption is the difficulty of sorting out the facts and knowing who and what to believe. The trouble is trying to always place the best interest of the child first, even if our hearts and own personal desires are telling us otherwise.

As a somewhat seasoned adoptive parent, the trouble with talking about ethics in adoption is knowing when and how to share the truth about how challenging adoption can be without discouraging those who still choose to continue along this path knowing the potential concerns and difficulties. The trouble is being able to present the facts and our personal insight in a voice that shows compassion and concern, not in a voice of judgement or condemnation. The trouble is realizing that new adoptive families have the same energy, enthusiasm and hope that we had when we started our adoption journeys and to provide truthful and constructive advice instead of negativism and discouragement. The trouble is trying to help families learn what to do instead of focusing on what not to do.

There is a much-needed place for discussions about ethics in the world of adoption but the trouble is that it's all too easy to offend those who need to hear the message! The trouble is that it's horrible for children to be trafficked, for parents to be talked out of their children, for families to be separated and for money to lead people into making unwise decisions but it is all too easy to forget that children ARE sitting in orphanages, kids ARE dying from malnutrition, children ARE going to bed without parents to tuck them in at night, children ARE aging out of foster care and orphanages.

The trouble with talking about ethics in the world of adoption is that it's easy to forget that it's about the children and not about us.

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3 Some families are created in different ways but are still, in every way, a family. Writer and star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Nia Vardalos firmly believed she was supposed to be a mom, but Mother Nature and modern medicine had put her in a headlock. So she made a choice that shocked friends, family, and even herself: with only fourteen hours’ notice, she adopted a preschooler. Instant Mom is Vardalos’s hilarious and poignant true chronicle of trying to become a mother while fielding nosy “frenemies” and Hollywood reporters asking, “Any baby news?” With her signature wit and candor, she describes her and husband Ian Gomez’s bumpy road to parenting, how they found their daughter, and what happened next. Vardalos includes a comprehensive how-to-adopt section and explores innovative ways to conquer the challenges all new moms face, from sleep to personal grooming. She learns that whether via biology, relationship, or adoption—motherhood comes in many forms. In Instant Mom, Vardalos shares the terrifying joys of parenthood and for the first time reveals her stubborn optimism and perseverance on her trek to finally becoming a mom, instantly. Born and raised in Canada, Vardalos now resides in Los Angeles with her husband, their daughter, and many pets and is currently working on balancing her acting and writing career with motherhood and adoption advocacy.

Challenge90 DayCalling all pregnancy resource centers! Starting April 1, 2013 we will embark on a 90 day challenge aimed at showing your staff just how many women are taking the time to carefully evaluate the adoption option through www.adoption-share.com.

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to simply present the adoption option to women who are faced with an unintended pregnancy along with her other options. We will be tracking the number of referrals that come from your office so be sure to write the name of your organization on the “Consider-It” Cards. Need more “Consider-It” Cards? Want more info? Email us at info@adoption-share.com and we will send what you need right away! And yes...there will be prizes!

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Its not everyday you get to have a conversation with a superstar.  And its on an even more rare occasion when the “not everyday” coincides with everything else happening right at the same moment.  Picture me in paint clothes, holding a brush covered in oil based paint and that should set the stage accurately for my conversation with Nia Vardalos.  You may know her from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, a film that exists today largely in part to the same determined spirit Nia relied on in her own personal journey to motherhood.

A self proclaimed "fearless idiot" a term I immediately connected with...., Nia has jumped from comedy straight into being an advocate within the adoption community all while keeping her comedic perspective intact.  Adoption became for Nia the road that eventually led her to her daughter.  Her journey from infertility to becoming mom to a preschooler left her head spinning and realizing more people needed to know that parenthood is possible.  Nia set out then to write Instant Mom, a book that is now in bookstores nation wide.  Her wit, honesty, and sincerity leave the reader captivated, empowered, and in the end believing that what happened to Nia could happen to them as well. 

During our interview, Nia addressed the myth some hold regarding adopting an older child head on.  The myth that paints dismal pictures for older children in state care, the myth that convinces adoptive parents an older child would come with the kind of emotional baggage that could burn a house down.  This myth apart from it being patently untrue is unfair to the thousands of older children waiting for a permanent family. An estimated 25,000 will graduate from the system annually with no place to call home. Its to these hopeful adoptive parents, Nia has this to say, “it's not your fault" for believing this myth.  "The media plays on our fears and our own anxieties,” Nia began explaining, "in its profit driven mindset, it thrives when people are frightened."  What does this mean? Stories that invoke fear lead...almost always. But, we as a society aren't completely off the hook either.  "We have a choice to not click that negative headline, or continue to watch the exaggerated episode of an adoption gone wrong,"  

Nia shared that to truly get to a place where she could move past the countless negative myths about adoption, she had to speak with her adoption social worker.  Nia reported that it wasn't so much the information she obtained about adoption that was helpful, it was the ability to grieve, talk about her grief, and move past it.  And when she finally laid eyes on her daughter for the first time, something inside her clicked.  

A Conversation with Nia Vardalos

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Check out the Adoption-Share video!For testimonies of how Adoption-Share is helping pregnancy centers,

adoptive families, agencies and birthparents, click HERE!

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