Click here to load reader

April 2014 twister low resolution

  • View

  • Download

Embed Size (px)


Texas Twister April 2014

Text of April 2014 twister low resolution

  • Page 2 April, 2014 Texas Twister

    Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. Aristotle

  • 903-883-5263 April, 2014 Page 3


    By Ginger Lane

    My mom used to keep me in live plants by letting me keep one until it was almost dead and then trading me a fresh healthy one! Then, when she got tired of growing her own, I had to look for other ways to keep greenery in my house. Key word here is greenery because dust thrives here and turns my beautiful silk flowers into shabby junk and my leafy plants into dull dust collectors. I found an easy and inexpensive way to rejuvenate your fake plants. Go to Dollar Tree and buy a vcan of $1 furniture polish. Take your plant outside and soak every leaf and every flower so that it is dripping off of each one. Dont be stingy, completely drench them. Let it dry and VOILA! Your plants will look good as new!

    Before After

  • A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girlapproaches the boy and says, Hey Tommy, want to play house?

    He says, Sure! What do you want me to do?

    The girl replies, I want you to communicate your feel-ings.

    Communicate my feelings? said a bewildered Tommy. I have no ideawhat that means.

    The little girl smirks and says, Perfect. You can be the husband.*****You know youre getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes andwonder what else you can do while youre down there.***** Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. Whats the story this time, Jones? he asked sar-castically. Lets hear a good excuse for a change. Jones sighed, Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the sta-tion. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw-bridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suits still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompsons helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes. Youll have to do better than that, Jones, said the boss, obviously disappointed. No woman can get ready in ten minutes.*****Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!*****Sound travels slowly.Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenag-ers dont reach them till theyre in their 40s.*****Sign on a Bus: When you exit this vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.***** A car was involved in an accident. As one might expect, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, pushed and struggled to get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through please! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

    Page 4 April, 2014 Texas Twister

  • 903-883-5263 April, 2014 Page 5

    Unconditional Love!

    AKC Registered English BulldogsBorn 11-30-13, there are 4 males & 2 females. They are very

    healthy & up to date on their shots. They have been vet checked and come with a

    one year health guarantee. (214) 995-9048 Call Pam!








    Things Youd Like To Say At Work

    I dont know what your problem is, but I bet its hard to pronounce.

    How about never? Is never good for you?

    I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    Ill try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

    Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    I dont work here, Im a consultant.

    It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.

    I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

    Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    Thank you, we are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean you are an artist.

  • Page 6 April, 2014 Texas Twister

    Do You Have Any Grapes?A duck walked into a pharmacy He asked the pharmacist Do you have any grapes?

    No, but the grocery store two blocks down sells grapes. he replied.

    The next day, the same duck walked into the same pharmacy and asked Do you have any grapes?

    No, two blocks down on the right. replied the pharmacist somewhat annoyed.

    The third day, the same duck walked back into the same pharmacy and asked the same question.

    This time the pharmacist said We dont sell grapes here. You have asked for grapes now for three days in a row. I have told you we dont sell them here, this is a pharmacy not a grocery store. If you come back in here tomorrow asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!

    The next day the same duck walks back into the same pharmacy, this time with quite a bit of trepidation. He looked around and asked the pharmacist Do you have any nails?

    No replied the pharmacist.

    Well then... Do you have any grapes?

  • 903-883-5263 April, 2014 Page 7Taking It With You

    There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

    An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth

    with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

    The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and

    places it beside his bed.

    Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here!

    But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre

    right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before

    letting it through.

    St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too pre-cious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!

  • Page 8 April, 2014 Texas Twister

    WHY DO WE SAY?Pass the buck? Look up buck in the dictionary and youll find

    a couple of dozen assorted nouns, verbs and adjectives.

    The most common use of the word these days is as the slang term for the American dollar. Thats not the buck

    meant here though. Look a little further down the list and youll find the definition buck: an article used in a game

    of poker - and thats the buck that was first passed.

    Poker became very popular in America during

    the second half of the 19th century. Players were highly suspicious of cheating or any form of bias and theres

    considerable folklore depicting gunslingers in shoot-outs based on accusations of dirty dealing. In order to avoid unfairness the deal changed hands during sessions. The person who was next in line to deal would be given a marker. This was often a knife, and knives often had han-dles made of bucks horn - hence the marker becoming

    known as a buck. When the dealers turn was done he

    passed the buck.

    Its raining cats and dogs? Best Answer: Long ago when roofs were made

    Continued on Page 9

  • 903-883-5263 April, 2014 Page 9

    of straw dogs and cats did not live inside they stayed out-side and when it would rain really hard and it was cold, dogs and cats would go up to the roof and snuggle un-der the straw but sometimes they would fall off. People would look out the windows and see their dogs and cats fall off the roof and said look its raining cats and dogs!

    Bless you or gesundheit? For the most part, the various sneeze responses

    originated from ancient superstitions. Some people be-lieved that a sneeze causes the soul to escape the body

    through the nose. Saying bless you would stop the devil from claiming the persons freed soul. Others be-lieved the opposite: that evil spirits use the sneeze as an

    opportunity to enter a persons body. There was also the

    misconception that the heart momentarily stops during a sneeze (it doesnt), and that saying bless you was a way

    of welcoming the person back to life.OK? The trend started out in Boston and spread throughout the West. It soon became fashionable to make facetious abbreviations using purposely misspelled words , such as saying NC for nuff ced instead of

    enough said. OK is believed to have begun as a similar

    witticism, standing for oll korrect, which 19th century folk found particularly humorous because neither all or correct are, well, correct.Under the weather? If youve ever heard someone say theyre un-der the weather, you may be surprised to find out this

    expression has nothing to do with hail, sleet or snow. People say under the weather to express that theyre

    feeling ill or unwell. Under the weather is an idiom, which is a

    phrase whose meaning is different from the meaning of the words themselves. Believe it or not, historians think this idiom comes from the sea. In the days before airpl