AND IMPROVE EVERY RELATIONSHIP · 2019-01-31 · wisdom, probably because so many people have found it so useful. According to Dr. Gottman, Dale Carnegie’s advice in his 1937 classic,

LEARN NON-DEFENSIVE LISTENINGAND IMPROVE EVERY RELATIONSHIPin Your Life, Including the One With Yourself

RABBI EFREM GOLDBERG BOCA RATON SYNAGOGUE [email protected]

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg - Boca Raton Synagogue

Page #�1

1. Parshas Yisro


Page #�2

2. Rashi

5. Ramban1194-1270

4. Ibn Ezra1089-1167

3. Zevachim 116a


Page #�3

6. Imrei ChaimVizhnitzer Rebbe

1888-1972

7. Michtav Mei’EliyahuR’ Dessler1892-1953

8. Midrash Transhuma


Page #�4

9. Zevachim 116a

10. Devarim, Chapter 25

11. Rashi

12. Rambam Hilchos Ta’aniyos


Page #�5

13. Zevachim 116a


Page #�6

14.Bamidbar Rabba 3:2

15. Yerushalmi (Berachos 2:8)

16. Rashi

18. Malbim (Yehoshua)1809-1879

17. Zevachim 116a


Page #�7

19. Shemos 24:7

20. Pirkei Avos 6:6

21. Rashi (Mishpatim)

22. Shema

23. Kol NevuahR’ Dovid Cohen - Ha’Nazir

1887-1972


Page #�8

24. Pirkei Avos 6:2

25. Devarim 5:19

26. Unkelus

27. Rashbam


Page #�9

1/25/19, 11(10 AM'Izzy, Did You Ask a Good Question Today?' - The New York Times

Page 1 of 2https://www.nytimes.com/1988/01/19/opinion/l-izzy-did-you-ask-a-good-question-today-712388.html?mtrref=undefined

https://nyti.ms/29z7B4q

Archives | 1988

'Izzy, Did You Ask a Good Question Today?'JAN. 19, 1988

About the ArchiveThis is a digitized version of an article from The Times’s print archive, before the start of onlinepublication in 1996. To preserve these articles as they originally appeared, The Times does not alter,edit or update them.

Occasionally the digitization process introduces transcription errors or other problems. Please sendreports of such problems to [email protected].

To the Editor:Isidor I. Rabi, the Nobel laureate in physics who died Jan. 11, was once asked,

''Why did you become a scientist, rather than a doctor or lawyer or businessman,like the other immigrant kids in your neighborhood?''

His answer has served as an inspiration for me as an educator, as a credo formy son during his schooling and should be framed on the walls of all thepedagogues, power brokers and politicians who purport to run our society.

The question was posed to Dr. Rabi by his friend and mine, Arthur Sackler,himself a multitalented genius, who, sadly, also passed away recently. Dr. Rabi'sanswer, as reported by Dr. Sackler, was profound: ''My mother made me a scientistwithout ever intending it. Every other Jewish mother in Brooklyn would ask herchild after school: 'So? Did you learn anything today?' But not my mother. Shealways asked me a different question. 'Izzy,' she would say, 'did you ask a good

1/25/19, 11(10 AM'Izzy, Did You Ask a Good Question Today?' - The New York Times


https://nyti.ms/29z7B4q

Archives | 1988

'Izzy, Did You Ask a Good Question Today?'JAN. 19, 1988

About the ArchiveThis is a digitized version of an article from The Times’s print archive, before the start of onlinepublication in 1996. To preserve these articles as they originally appeared, The Times does not alter,edit or update them.

Occasionally the digitization process introduces transcription errors or other problems. Please sendreports of such problems to [email protected].

To the Editor:Isidor I. Rabi, the Nobel laureate in physics who died Jan. 11, was once asked,

''Why did you become a scientist, rather than a doctor or lawyer or businessman,like the other immigrant kids in your neighborhood?''

His answer has served as an inspiration for me as an educator, as a credo formy son during his schooling and should be framed on the walls of all thepedagogues, power brokers and politicians who purport to run our society.

The question was posed to Dr. Rabi by his friend and mine, Arthur Sackler,himself a multitalented genius, who, sadly, also passed away recently. Dr. Rabi'sanswer, as reported by Dr. Sackler, was profound: ''My mother made me a scientistwithout ever intending it. Every other Jewish mother in Brooklyn would ask herchild after school: 'So? Did you learn anything today?' But not my mother. Shealways asked me a different question. 'Izzy,' she would say, 'did you ask a good1/25/19, 11(10 AM'Izzy, Did You Ask a Good Question Today?' - The New York Times


question today?' That difference - asking good questions -made me become ascientist!''

This world of ''Ready, Fire, Aim'' would be a far better place if all the world'sleaders, starting in particular with our President, hearkened to this wisdom. It'stime to stop giving answers before we understand the questions. DONALD SHEFFNew York, Jan. 12, 1988Subscribe and see the full article in TimesMachineNew York Times subscribers* enjoy full access to TimesMachine—view over 150 years ofNew York Times journalism, as it originally appeared.

*Does not include Crossword-only or Cooking-only subscribers.

A version of this letter appears in print on January 19, 1988, on Page A00026 of the National edition with theheadline: 'Izzy, Did You Ask a Good Question Today?'.

© 2019 The New York Times Company

1ARTICLE

REMAINING

Enjoy a 4-week free trial to TheTimes.

START YOUR FREE

TRIAL

Subscriber login

31. Beis YaakovIzbitzer Rebbe

30. Tehillim 105

29. Rashi

28. Yisro

32. Isidor Rabi


Page #�10

33. R’ Kalonymous Kalman ShapiraPiacezna Rebbe

1889-1943


Page #�11

Sear

chin

g fo

r an

esca

pee

from

the

noto

rious

Paw

iak

Pris

on, t

he N

azis

ar

rest

ed 2

55 J

ewis

h le

ader

s in

the

War

saw

Ghe

tto, h

oldi

ng th

em h

osta

ge a

nd

dem

andi

ng th

at th

e co

mm

unity

turn

ove

r the

21-

year

old

resi

stan

ce fi

ghte

r An

drze

j Kot

t. Th

e re

bel w

as n

ot fo

und.

The

Jew

ish

host

ages

wer

e ev

entu

ally

ki

lled.

The

Reb

be w

as fo

rced

to s

pend

that

Sab

bath

(Yi

tro, J

anua

ry 2

7, 1

940)

in

hidi

ng fr

om N

azi p

atro

ls. T

he e

ntry

for t

hat w

eek

begi

ns w

ith a

n un

usua

l firs

t-pe

rson

ann

otat

ion.

Imm

edia

tely

afte

r the

trad

ition

al o

peni

ng “B

less

ed is

God

. Yi

tro,”

the

Reb

be a

dded

the

phra

se “i

n ex

ile” (

be-g

alut

). H

e th

en s

truck

out

the

phra

se a

nd w

rote

abo

ve it

, “O

n th

is S

abba

th I

was

in h

idin

g.”

Th

e si

ze a

nd m

akeu

p of

the

Reb

be’s

aud

ienc

e th

at w

eek

rem

ains

unk

now

n.

He

may

hav

e be

en s

peak

ing

with

oth

er c

omm

unal

lead

ers

who

wer

e al

so

hidi

ng fr

om th

e G

erm

ans.

It is

not

impo

ssib

le th

at h

e w

as c

ompl

etel

y al

one,

re

cord

ing

his

thou

ghts

for p

oste

rity.

The

Reb

be’s

mes

sage

, how

ever

, was

one

of

def

ianc

e an

d sp

iritu

al c

oura

ge. C

erta

inly

refle

ctin

g on

his

imm

edia

te

situ

atio

n, th

e R

ebbe

em

phas

ized

the

valu

e of

lear

ning

Tor

ah u

nder

diff

icul

t ci

rcum

stan

ces:

ThereceivingoftheTorahtookplaceinthewilderness.Perhapsthis

allusionisimplicitintheholyworkBetAharon,whichmentions

Rashi’scommentontheverseHearOIsrael,“thatyourheartshould

notquestiontheOm

nipresent.”TheholyBetAharonexplains,“that

youshouldnotsay,‘underthesecircum

stancesitispossibleform

eto

serveGod,butunderothercircum

stancesitisimpossibleform

e.’

Rather,underallcircum

stancesonemustserveGod.”Consequently,

hadtheJewishpeoplereceivedtheTorahintheirownland,intheland

ofIsrael,theywouldhavethoughtthatitisonlypossibletofulfillitin

theirownplaces,intheirownhomes,andnotwhentheyareinexile,

besetbydistractions.Therefore,GodgavethemtheTorahinthe

wilderness,ontheroad,whiletraveling,inorderthattheymightknow

thattheTorahmustbefulfilledunderallcircumstances.

He

adde

d em

phas

is b

y di

scus

sing

the

first

line

of t

hat w

eek’

s To

rah

read

ing,

w

hich

des

crib

es h

ow Y

itro

wen

t out

to th

e de

sert

to m

eet h

is s

on-in

-law

M

oses

. Whe

n th

e R

ebbe

refe

rred

to th

e at

tack

of t

he A

mal

ekite

s on

the

Jew

s w

ande

ring

in S

inai

, the

allu

sion

to th

e co

ntem

pora

ry N

azi o

ppre

ssor

s w

as

pain

fully

obv

ious

:

AmalekreasonedthatwhiletheJewishpeoplewerewandering,then

AmalekcouldprevaildespitetheJews’loftylevelofspiritual

attainment,Heavenforbid.Thisisthemeaningoftheverse,Amalek

cooledyouoffontheway….ThereforeYitrosaid,“ifthisisthecase,itis

notsufficientmerelytoreceivetheTorahathome.Imustrathergo

thereandreceivetheTorahwhiletravelingaswell,andthenIcanbe

aJeweveninmyhome.”Inotherwords,onceheheardthatafterthe

splittingoftheSeaofReedstherewasawarwithAmalek,who

thoughtthattheycouldprevailwhentheJewswerewandering,Yitro

realizedthathemustalsotraveltothewilderness…

Ret

urni

ng to

his

ope

ning

stri

keou

t, w

e ca

n on

ly s

pecu

late

why

the

Reb

be

chos

e to

repl

ace

“in e

xile

” with

the

phra

se “i

n hi

ding

.” Ex

ile, i

n H

ebre

w a

s in

En

glis

h, h

as a

muc

h st

rong

er c

onno

tatio

n th

an “h

idin

g.” F

or J

ews

it ha

s po

wer

ful a

ssoc

iatio

ns w

ith th

e m

illenn

ial d

iasp

ora

from

the

Hol

y La

nd, a

nd

was

trad

ition

ally

vie

wed

as

Div

ine

puni

shm

ent f

or h

uman

tran

sgre

ssio

n.

Writ

ing

in 1

940,

the

Reb

be w

as c

erta

inly

als

o aw

are

of th

e st

reng

th o

f the

Zi

onis

t mov

emen

t, w

hich

vie

wed

Jew

ish

settl

emen

t in

Pola

nd n

egat

ivel

y,

urgi

ng J

ews

to re

turn

to th

e an

cien

t hom

elan

d (th

e R

ebbe

him

self

had

clos

e fa

mily

ties

in Is

rael

, and

yea

rned

to e

mig

rate

ther

e). T

he R

ebbe

’s s

ubtle

al

tera

tion

seem

s to

sof

ten

all o

f tho

se a

ssoc

iatio

ns—

perh

aps

to s

ay th

at s

o lo

ng a

s he

was

with

his

Has

idim

, he

was

not

“in

exile

.” T

he K

ott a

ffair

forc

ed

him

into

hid

ing,

but

as

long

as

he c

ould

com

fort

his

Has

idim

with

Tor

ah, t

hen

he re

mai

ned

fund

amen

tally

at h

ome.

34. D

r. H

illel

Abra

mson


Page #�12

35. Stephen CoveySeven Habits of Highly Effective People


Page #�13


Page #�14


Page #�15

FormuchmoreonDr.Gottman’sskillsforActiveListening,readhishighlyacclaimedbook:TheRelationshipCure:A5StepGuidetoStrengtheningYourMarriage,Family,andFriendships.

Whetherornotyouconsideryourselftoalreadybeaskilledactivelistener,tuneintothetipsbelow.Thoughtheyseemveryeasytoimplementintheory,inrealitytheyarealmostimpossibletoimplementsimultaneously.Wedon’texpectyouto.However,makinganefforttokeeptheminmindisoftantamountimportanceinaDigitalAgewhosedistractionsmakeitfartooeasytolosetouch.Regardlessofyourcurrentlevelofproficiencyinactivelistening,beingconsciousofyourroleinconversationsinthecontextofthefollowingskillscanturnyourrelationshipsaround:

Focusonbeinginterested,notinteresting.Thisseemstobeaverycommonpieceofwisdom,probablybecausesomanypeoplehavefounditsouseful.AccordingtoDr.Gottman,DaleCarnegie’sadviceinhis1937classic,HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeoplewasonpoint:“Youcanmakemorefriendsintwomonthsbybecominggenuinelyinterestedinotherpeoplethanyoucanintwoyearsbytryingtogetotherpeopleinterestedinyou.”Sooftenwegetcaughtupinwhatwearesayingandforgettolistentoothers.Whenwegiveourfriends,lovers,relatives,andcoworkersourtimeandattentionbylisteningtotheirdetailedthoughtsandfeelings,wemakethemfeelvaluedandappreciated.Isn’tthatwhatweallwant?Applythisadvicetoyourlifeliberallyandtrynottobestunnedbythedifferenceitmakes.

Startbyaskingquestions.Nottoospecific(one-wordanswersdon’topenupaconversation!)andnottooopen-ended(“How’sitgoing”oftenreceivesaformulaic,insincere,ormeaninglessresponsesuchas“Great,”whichclearlydoesn’treflectwhatthepersonisthinking).Try:“Whatstressorsareyoucurrentlyfacingatwork?”or“Howdoyouthinkweshouldcelebratethecat’sbirthdaythisyear?”

Askquestionsaboutpeople’sgoalsandvisionsofthefuture.Theywillprobablyhavesomethinginterestingtosay.Itislikelythattheywillappreciateyouforaskingandyouwillappreciatethemfortheiranswer.

Lookforcommonalities.HereareDr.Gottman’swordsonthesubject:“Peopleareattractedtothosewithwhomtheyhavethingsincommon,somakeitapointtoletothersknowwhenyousharesimilarviewsorbackgrounds.Atthesametime,don’ttrytomakeyourselfthefocusofconversation.Sayenoughtoestablishcommongroundandempathize,butalwaysremembertosharethefloor.”

Tuneinwithallyourattention.Reallylisteningcanbereallyhard,especiallyifyouhaveatendencytospendthetimetheotherpersonistalkingcarefullyplanningoutthenextthingyouaregoingtosay(Ifyouhavethistendency,youarenotalone).Whileitisnaturaltobedistractedbythethoughtsflyingthroughyourhead,toreallyparticipateinaconversationmeanstointentionallyabandontheurgetoengageintwoparallelmonologues.Whatcanyoudotogetoutofthehabit?Trytofollowtheotherperson’strain

36. Dr. John Gottman


Page #�16

ofthought–travelwiththemasitmovesthroughthelandscapeoftheirmind.Asyourtravelsarriveatpointsthatstimulateyournaturalcuriosity,showsincereinterestinawaythatfeelsgenuine.Askquestionswhenyoureachintriguingjunctures!

Respondwithanoccasionalbriefnodorsound.Averbalcuesuchas“mm-hmm”or“yeah”letsthespeakerknowthatyou’repayingattentionandareinterestedinwhattheyaresaying.

Fromtimetotime,paraphrasewhatthespeakersays.Thisservestwopurposes:First,itletsthespeakerknowthatyou’retunedin.Second,itgivesyoutheopportunitytoclarifywhatthey’vesaid.Paraphrasingwhenyouaskaquestionisoftenagoodidea,andcanlooklikethis:“YousaidthatyouwerelookingintorenovatingSarah’solddollhousetofitinarecroomforthecat.Whydoyouthinkthisisagoodidea?”

Maintaintherightamountofeyecontact.Toolittleeyecontactcancommunicatedisinterest,nervousness,orlackofconfidence,whiletoomuch(staring)cancommunicateintrusivenessorhostility.Allowthespeakertomeetyoureye,don’tbeafraidtolookateachother,andkeepinmindthatholdingeyecontactformorethanafewsecondswithasmilecanbeconstruedasflirtation.Manybookshavebeenwrittenaboutthis.Tolearnmuchmoreaboutverbalandnonverbalemotionalcommunication,checkoutDr.Gottman’sbooks!

Letgoofyourownagenda.Insteadoftryingtodirecttheflowofconversation,givingadvice,tryingtosolvethespeaker’sproblems(orfeelingoverwhelmedandunintentionallyminimizingordenyingnegativefeelingstheycommunicate),justbethere.Iftheconversationturnstointenseemotionalissuesandwewanttohelp,manyofusjumpintotheroleofrescuer–butthetruthisthatindividualsarebesthelpedbybeinggiventheroomtospeaktheirfeelingsanddiscovertheanswerstotheirquestionsandsolutionstotheirproblemsthemselves.Thegreatestgiftyoucangivetoafriendorloverorfamilymemberstrugglingwithdifficultlifeproblemsisnotyouropinionbutyourwarmpresenceandalisteningear.Thebestthingyoucandoistoconveythefollowingmessage:“Iunderstandhowyou’refeelingrightnow.”InDr.Gottman’swords,“Althoughwecan’teliminateallthepainlifepresentsourfriendsandlovedones,wecanofferoneanotherimmeasurablesupportindifficulttimessimplybylisteninginauthentic,empatheticways.”

Documents

AND IMPROVE EVERY RELATIONSHIP · 2019-01-31 · wisdom, probably because so many people have found it so useful. According to Dr. Gottman, Dale Carnegie’s advice in his 1937 classic,