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All About Kids
Fran Lexcen, Ph.D.
October 16, 2015
Topics This MorningDevelopmental Aspects of Pre-
pubescent youthCommunication Strategies for this age
groupCaveat: Many foster kids have missed
usual environmental supports that promote development and can appear younger than they are
Physical DevelopmentGrowth spurts: earlier for girls, lasts
longer for boys Increased appetiteMore sweating and body odorBody parts growing at different ratesOily skin, acneJoints may ache from rapid growth
Sexual DevelopmentVery beginnings of puberty
Girls & estrogen, ages 9 to 12 Boys & testosterone, ages 11 to 14
Secondary sex characteristicsFantasies about sexual intimacyBegin to recognize sexual allusions in jokes Increased need for privacyMay feel confused and self-conscious
Cognitive Development Not quite formal operations Beginnings of sarcasm, smart talk Ability to set and plan for simple goals Occupational exploration School is less play-centered, more skill-focused;
learning to learn. Strong and unfamiliar emotions as hormones
increase Still overlooking disadvantages during decision –
making; one choice decisions
Peer Relationships May still have best buddy Curiosity about social hierarchies Conformity with peers greatest until about 13 Group activities still require adult supervision Peers more important than family Enjoy formal and informal play groups May develop “crushes” or begin “dating”
Family RelationshipsLoosening of attachmentsValues still closely aligned with
caregivers even though external conformity matches peers
Recognizing that caring relationships can occur outside family
Increased responsibilities for family life, e.g., chores, household maintenance
Social AwarenessEmerging awareness that there are
complicated issues such as poverty and warGreater appreciation for larger social
context, current events, other peoples’ relationships
Increased sensitivity to other people, but skills for responding to emotional states still very basic and can misread cues
Good Activities (no screens!) Family
Extended group relationships Events with same-age peers
Peers Physical activities for skills and to focus attention on
group involvement Organized groups teach and promote cooperation,
positive attitudes to others (including authorities and competitors)
All groups expose to varieties of values, personalities, cultures and mutual respect
Common Traits Increased independence with continuing need
for supervisionMore responsibility for environmental settings
at home and at school Increased school demandsBasic skills like telling time, reading for fun,
personal hygiene, simple cooking, domestic chores
Good time to learn money skills
TYPICAL CONCERNS
Peer Relationships Social anxiety – All their friends are changing! Bullying Judgment errors in unfamiliar social
circumstances Concerns about leaving friends and skills for
new friends Need context that physical maturation can
create unfamiliar feelings and that everyone develops at a different rate
Family Relationships In addition to natural distress, sometimes
feel responsible for adult problemsConcerns about new settingsHabits can be important for maintaining
familiar structure during emotional upheaval and adaptation
Managing possessions is supremely important
CONVERSATIONAL APPROACHES
Conversational StrategiesOne sentence rule: Main point first on table,
gently/obliquely if neededShort sentences with brief words. Stop if they
look disinterested.Avoid yes/no. Instead of ‘Do you need
anything?’ try ‘What do you need most?’Ask them to repeat what they’ve heard you
say. “Tell me what you heard so I can say what I forgot to tell you.”
TechniquesOpen-ended questions or statements,
e.g., “Tell me what you did on your last visit?”
Express empathy and identify positives, e.g., “It sounds like you feel sad when Mom doesn’t show up. But you found something else to do so your day wasn’t ruined.”
Empathy formula: “You feel X because Y.”
Conversational TopicsGoal: Find emotionally ‘safe’ topic of
personal interest Start with general topics (e.g., music,
games, iPod, sports, hobbies) and look for personal favorites
Be persistent but casual – kids can be wary of adults who are too friendly
Cheat Sheet of Ideas Past week activities – best/most interesting thing? Family history – What does your Mom do for a living? Pets, animals Favorite foods – last eat? Ever cook it yourself? Favorite activities – most enjoyed, last engaged,
greatest skill, sports, hobbies, etc. Distractions and hopes – last book you read? Last
movie you saw? Skill you would like to learn? Place you would travel if you could? Favorite place you’ve visited or lived?
Prepping for Difficult Meetings Purpose: Helping find answers when people
disagree. Who will be there; their roles Context: We won’t get all the answers today,
but we will talk about this. Start with easy issues, move to more difficult.
Realistic ExpectationsNarrow issues to a few items, e.g., The big
disagreement is X. Today, we hope to know more about y.”
Frame conditionals as “when…then…” rather than “if…then…””When the judge decides X, then we’ll know Y.”
Potential goals: “When this is done, we will know more about x, y, and z even if we don’t get other things we want.”
More Prepping Draw a picture if needed. Lots of kids do better
with non-verbal material and justice system is verbal-dependent.
Frame choices, preferences and decisions with their pros and cons. One choice at a time. Remember that they will forget the ‘cons’ when it’s time to decide and over-value the ‘pros.’
Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself – it helps them
Debriefing Touch MeetingsLots of empathy statementsProbe for their perceptionsExplain your understanding and
implicationsClarify misperceptions of adult
functioning (e.g., parents angry at system, not at you)
Summing UpKids this age group are at the beginning of
dynamic developmental period – adolescence – and their thinking, feeling and experiences are rapidly changing
The unfamiliarity creates some risks for them, but also brings potential for development
They benefit from information presented simply, sometimes repeatedly