Alice in Berkeley

8/9/2019 Alice in Berkeley

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Characters

NarratorAliceWhite RabbitCaterpillarYoung ManFather WilliamCheshire Cat

Mad HatterMarch HareDora the MouseTweedledumTweedledee

White QueenHumpty Dumpty

Red QueenTwoFiveSevenRed King

ExecutionerGryphonMock TurtleAlice's sister


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1. Down the Rabbit-Hole

NARRATORAlice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by hersister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once ortwice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it.

ALICEAnd what is the use of a book, without pictures orconversation?

NARRATORSo she was considering in her own mind (as well as shecould, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy andstupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chainwould be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the

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daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ranclose by her.There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor didAlice think it so very much out of the way to hear theRabbit say to itself:

WHITE RABBITOh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!

NARRATORWhen Alice thought it over afterwards, it occurred to herthat she ought to have wondered at this, but at the time itall seemed quite natural; but when the Rabbit actually tooka watch out of its waistcoat-pocket , and looked at it, and thenhurried on, Alice started to her feet, for it ashed acrossher mind that she had never before seen a rabbit witheither a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it, andburning with curiosity, she ran across the eld after it, andfortunately was just in time to see it pop down a largerabbit-hole under the hedge.In another moment down went Alice after it, never onceconsidering how in the world she was to get out again.The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for someway, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly thatAlice had not a moment to think about stopping herself

before she found herself falling down a very deep well.ALICE

Well! After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they'll all think me athome!

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NARRATORDown, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end?

ALICEI wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time? I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth. Let mesee: that would be four thousand miles down, I thinkI wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! How funnyit'll seem to come out among the people that walk withtheir heads downward! The Antipathies, I think

NARRATORDown, down, down. When suddenly, thump! Thump!Down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, andthe fall was over.Alice was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feetin a moment: she looked up, and the White Rabbit was stillin sight, saying:

WHITE RABBITOh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!

NARRATORShe was close behind it when she turned the corner, butthe Rabbit was no longer to be seen: and she found herself in a long, low hall.There were doors all round the hall, but they were alllocked; and she wondered how she was ever to get outagain.Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table; therewas nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice's rst

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thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of thehall; but, alas! Either the locks were too large, or the keywas too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them.However, on the second time round, she came upon a lowcurtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was alittle door about fteen inches high: she tried the littlegolden key in the lock, and to her great delight it tted!Alice opened the door and found that it led into a smallpassage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt downand looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you

ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, andwander about among those beds of bright owers andthose cool fountains, but she could not even get her headthrough the doorway.

ALICEAnd even if my head would go through, it would be of very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish Icould shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I onlyknow how to begin.

NARRATORFor, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happenedlately, that Alice had begun to think that very few thingsindeed were really impossible.

ALICEI am beginning to think that very few things indeed arereally impossible.

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2. Drink Me

NARRATORThere seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, soshe went back to the table, half hoping she might ndanother key on it, or at any rate a book of rules for shuttingpeople up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottleon it, and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label,with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it inlarge letters.It was all very well to say 'Drink me', but the wise little

Alice was not going to do that in a hurry.ALICE

No, I'll look rst, and see whether it's marked 'poison' ornot.

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NARRATORFor she had read that, if you drink much from a bottlemarked 'poison', it is almost certain to disagree with you,sooner or later.

However, this bottle was not marked 'poison', so Aliceventured to taste it, and nding it very nice, (it had, in fact,a sort of mixed avour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple,roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon

nished it off.ALICE

What a curious feeling! I must be shutting up like atelescope!NARRATOR

And so it was indeed: she was now only ten inches high,and her face brightened up at the thought that she wasnow the right size for going through the little door into

that lovely garden. First, however, she waited for a fewminutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: shefelt a little nervous about this.

ALICEFor it might end, you know, in my going out altogether,like a candle.

NARRATORAfter a while, nding that nothing more happened, shedecided on going into the garden at once; but, alas forpoor Alice! When she got to the door, she found she hadforgotten the little golden key, and when she went back to

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the table for it, she found she could not possibly reach it:she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but it was too slippery; and when she had tired herself outwith trying, the poor little thing sat down and cried.

ALICE[to herself] Come, there's no use in crying like that!I advise you to leave off this minute!

NARRATORShe generally gave herself very good advice, (though shevery seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded

herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and onceshe remembered trying to box her own ears for havingcheated herself in a game of croquet she was playingagainst herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people.

ALICE

But it's no use now, to pretend to be two people! Why,there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectableperson!

NARRATORSoon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying underthe table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake,on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked incurrants.

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ALICEWell, I'll eat it, and if it makes me grow larger, I can reachthe key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep underthe door; so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't

care which happens!NARRATOR

She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself:ALICE

Which way? Which way?

NARRATOR. . . holding her hand on the top of her head to feel whichway it was growing, and she was quite surprised to ndthat she remained the same size: to be sure, this generallyhappens when one eats cake, but Alice had got so muchinto the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-waythings to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid forlife to go on in the common way.So she set to work, and very soon nished off the cake.

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3. The Pool of Tears

ALICE

Curiouser and curiouser! Now I'm opening out like thelargest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!NARRATOR

Just then her head struck against the roof of the hall: in factshe was now more than nine feet high, and she at oncetook up the little golden key and hurried off to the gardendoor.Poor Alice! It was as much as she could do, lying down onone side, to look through into the garden with one eye; butto get through was more hopeless than ever: she sat downand began to cry again.

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ALICE[to herself] You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a greatgirl like you, to go on crying in this way! Stop thismoment, I tell you!

NARRATORBut she went on all the same, shedding gallons of tears,until there was a large pool all round her, about fourinches deep and reaching half down the hall.After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in thedistance, and she hastily dried her eyes to see what wascoming. It was the White Rabbit returning, splendidlydressed, with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and alarge fan in the other: he came trotting along in a greathurry, muttering to himself as he came:

WHITE RABBITOh! The Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! Won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!

NARRATORThe Rabbit saw Alice, started violently, dropped the whitekid gloves and the fan, and scurried away into thedarkness as hard as he could go.Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very

hot, she kept fanning herself all the time she went ontalking:ALICE

Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! Andyesterday things went on just as usual.

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I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think:was I the same when I got up this morning?I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.

NARRATOR

As she said this she looked down at her hands, and wassurprised to see that she had put on one of the Rabbit'slittle white kid gloves while she was talking.

ALICEHow can I have done that? I must be growing small again.

NARRATORShe got up and went to the table to measure herself by it,and found that, as nearly as she could guess, she was nowabout two feet high, and was going on shrinking rapidly:she soon found out that the cause of this was the fan shewas holding, and she dropped it hastily, just in time toavoid shrinking away altogether.

ALICEThat was a narrow escape!

NARRATOR. . . said Alice, a good deal frightened at the suddenchange, but very glad to nd herself still in existence!

ALICEAnd things are worse than ever, for I never was so small asthis before, never! And I declare it's too bad, that it is!

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NARRATORAs she said these words her foot slipped, and in anothermoment, splash! She was up to her chin in salt water. Her

rst idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea.

However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high.ALICE

I wish I hadn't cried so much!NARRATOR

. . . said Alice, as she swam about, trying to nd her wayout.

ALICEI shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by beingdrowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to besure! However, everything is queer to-day.

NARRATORIt was queer, for as she swam about in her own tears, thepool began to get quite crowded as many animals andbirds began to fall into it: rst a Mouse, then a Duck and aDodo, then a Lory and an Eaglet, and nally several othercurious creatures.

But brave Alice led the way, and the whole party swam tothe shore.

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4. Advice from a Caterpillar

NARRATOROnce on shore, and after conversing with these strangecreatures, Alice found herself still tiny, about the same sizeas a mushroom she bumped into. She peeped over theedge of the mushroom, and discovered a large bluecaterpillar seated there with its arms folded, quietlysmoking a long hookah.

CATERPILLARWhoooo are yooooou?

ALICEII hardly know, sir, just at presentat least I know who Iwas when I got up this morning, but I think I must have

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been changed several times since then.CATERPILLAR

What dooooo you mean by that? Explain yourself!ALICE

I can't explain myself , I'm afraid, sir, because I'm notmyself, you see.

CATERPILLARI don't see.

ALICEI'm afraid I can't put it more clearly, for I can't understandit myself to begin with; and being so many different sizesin a day is very confusing.

CATERPILLARIt isn't.

ALICEWell, perhaps you haven't found it so yet, but when youhave to turn into a chrysalisyou will some day, youknowand then after that into a butter y, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?

CATERPILLAR

Not a bit.ALICE

Well, perhaps your feelings may be different, all I know is,it would feel very queer to me.

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CATERPILLARYou! Whooooo are yooooou?

ALICEI think you ought to tell me who yooooouare, rst.

CATERPILLARWhy?

[Alice turns, starts to walk away.]CATERPILLAR

Come back! I've something important to say![Alice turns toward him.]

CATERPILLAR[somberly] Keep your temper.

ALICE[angry] Is that all?

CATERPILLARNo.

[Alice waits. Caterpillar puffs away without speaking.]CATERPILLAR

[ nally] So you think you're changed, do you?ALICE

I'm afraid I am, sir. I don't keep the same size for tenminutes together!

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CATERPILLARWhat size do you want to be?

ALICEOh, I'm not particular as to size, only one doesn't likechanging so often, you know.

CATERPILLARI don't know! [Begins smoking again.]Are you content now?

ALICE

Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir, if you wouldn'tmind; three inches is such a wretched height to be.CATERPILLAR

[rearing itself upright] It is a very good height indeed!ALICE

But I'm not used to it![in a lower voice] I wish the creatures here wouldn't be soeasily offended![sighs] And I can't remember things as I used to. . . .

CATERPILLARCan't remember WHAT things?

ALICEWell, I've tried to say 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee',but it all came different!

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CATERPILLARRepeat it this way: 'You are old, Father William'.

ALICEI'll try. . . . I think it goes like this:'You are old, Father William,' the young man said . . .

[Young Man and Father Williamappear on upper deck]

YOUNG MAN'You are old, Father William,' the young man said,

'And your hair has become very white;And yet you incessantly stand on your headDo you think, at your age, it is right?'

FATHER WILLIAM'In my youth,' Father William replied to his son,'I feared it might injure the brain;

But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,Why, I do it again and again.'YOUNG MAN

'You are old,' said the youth, 'as I mentioned before,And have grown most uncommonly fat;Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the doorPray, what is the reason of that?'

FATHER WILLIAM'In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,'I kept all my limbs very suppleBy the use of this ointmentone shilling the boxAllow me to sell you a couple?'

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YOUNG MAN'You are old,' said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet;Yet you nished the goose, with the bones and the beakPray how did you manage to do it?'

FATHER WILLIAM'In my youth,' said his father, 'I took to the law,And argued each case with my wife;And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,Has lasted the rest of my life.'

YOUNG MAN'You are old,' said the youth, 'one would hardly supposeThat your eye was as steady as ever;Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your noseWhat made you so awfully clever?'

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FATHER WILLIAM'I have answered three questions, now that is enough,'Said his father; 'don't give yourself airs!Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'

[EXIT, Young Man and Father WilliamALICE

'. . . Be off, or Ill kick you down stairs!'CATERPILLAR

That is not said right.ALICE

Not quite right, I'm afraid; some of the words have gotaltered.

CATERPILLARIt is wrong from beginning to end.[yawns, gets down from the mushroom, and crawls away][shouts back] One side will make you grow taller, and theother side will make you grow shorter.

ALICEOne side of what? The other side of what?

CATERPILLAROf the mushroom . . .

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ALICE[breaks off a bit of each side] And now which is which?[Takes a bite of one sidelooks up and puts her hand ontop of her head] O ops! Too much![Then takes a bite from the other piece] Ah, that's betterjust right!

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5. The Cheshire Cat

[Cheshire Cat pops up in frontof Alice from tree.]

CHESHIRE CAT

Hello!ALICE

Oh! A grinning cat!CHESHIRE CAT

Cheshire Cats always grin.

ALICEReally? Cheshire-Puss, would you tell me, please, whichway I ought to go from here?

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CHESHIRE CATThat depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

ALICEI don't much care where

CHESHIRE CATThen it doesn't matter which way you go.

ALICEso long as I get somewhere.

CHESHIRE CATOh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.

ALICEWell, Cheshire-Puss, could you please tell me what sort of people live around here?

CHESHIRE CATIn one direction lives the Hatter; in the other lives a MarchHareboth mad!

ALICEBut I don't want to go among mad people!

CHESHIRE CAT

Oh, you can't help that! We're all mad here.I'm mad. You're mad.

ALICEHow do you know I'm mad?

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CHESHIRE CATYou must be, or you wouldn't have come here.

ALICEAnd how do you know that you're mad?

CHESHIRE CATTo begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?

ALICEI suppose so.

CHESHIRE CATWell, then, you see, a dog growls when it's angry, andwags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'mpleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'mmad.

ALICE

I call it purring, not growling.CHESHIRE CATCall it what you like.By the bye, do you play croquet with the Queen today?

ALICE

I should like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet.CHESHIRE CAT

You'll see me there.[vanishes]

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ALICE[Still looking up] Well, as he's gone off, I guess I'll try theway toward the March Hare's. It's August now, so perhapshe won't be raving mad.

[Cat's grin appears]Oh! I've often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin withouta cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!

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6. A Mad Tea Party

[A large table where the March Hareand the Mad Hatter are having tea, with

Dora the Mouse sitting between them,fast asleepAlice approaches the table.]

MARCH HARE and MAD HATTERNo room! No room!

ALICE

There's plenty of room![Sits down at end of table]MARCH HARE

Have some wine.

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ALICEI don't see any wine.

MARCH HAREThere isn't any.

ALICEThen it wasn't very polite of you to offer it.

MAD HATTERIt wasn't very polite of you to sit down without beinginvited.

ALICEI didn't know it was your table.It's laid for a great many more than three.

MAD HATTERDora the Mouse is asleep again.

[He pours a little hot tea upon her nose.]DORA THE MOUSE

[without opening her eyes]Twinkle, twinkle.[goes back to sleep]

MAD HATTER[Taking his watch out of his pocket, he looks at it uneasily,shaking it every now and then, and holds it to his ear.]What day of the month is it?

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ALICEThe fourth.

MAD HATTER[shakes watch] Two days wrong![to March Hare] I told you butter wouldn't x the watch!

MARCH HAREIt was the best butter!

MAD HATTERYes, but some crumbs must have got in as well.

[dips the watch into his cup of tea]MARCH HARE

It was the best butter, you know.ALICE

How do you manage to tell time?

MAD HATTERAh, I can't tell Time anything.We quarreledit was at the great concert given by theQueen of Hearts, and I had to sing:

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!How I wonder what you're at!

You know the song, perhaps?ALICE

I've heard something like it.

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MAD HATTERLet's all sing it together:

ALL [singing]Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!How I wonder what you're at!Up above the world you y,Like a tea-tray in the sky.Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!How I wonder what you're at!

DORA THE MOUSE

[singing] Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkleMAD HATTER

[Looking at his watch again]It's always six o'clock now.

ALICE

Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here?MAD HATTER

Yes, that's it. It's always tea-time, and we've no time towash the things between whiles.

ALICEThen you keep moving round, I suppose?

MAD HATTERExactly so, as the things get used up.I want a clean cup now. Let's all move one place on.

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[They move once as he speaks,changing places

Then they move again.]MARCH HARE

Do you want some tea?ALICE

Really, now you ask me, I don't think. . . .MAD HATTER

If you don't think, then you shouldn't talk.

[They move onchanging places again]

ALICE[ nally tired of changing places]Oh, really![She gets up and starts to walk off]

ALL (except Alice)[singing] Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle--

ALICE[leaving] I'll never go there again! It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!

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7. Tweedledum and Tweedledee

[Along the path Alice discovers the house of Tweedledum and Tweedledee, with the two standing

in front, their arms around each other's necks.]ALICE

Could you tell me which way out of this wood?[Tweedledum and Tweedledee

look at each other and grin.]TWEEDLEDUM

You've begun wrong. The rst thing in a visit is to say'How d'ye do?' and shake hands!

[And here the two brothers give each othera hug, and then they hold out the two hands

that are free, to shake hands with her.

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She takes hold of both hands at once:the next moment they are dancing round in a ring. ]

ALICEI hope you're not much tired?

TWEEDLEDUMNohow. And thank you very much for asking.

TWEEDLEDEESo much obliged! You like poetry?

[They stop dancing.

ALICEYe-es, pretty well somepoetry. But would you tell mewhich road leads out of the wood?

TWEEDLEDEE[ignoring her question] What shall I recite to her?

TWEEDLEDUM'The Walrus and the Carpenter' is the longest. . . .

TWEEDLEDEE[begins reciting] The sun was shining

ALICE

If it's very long,would you please tell me rst which roadTWEEDLEDEE

[smiling gently, he holds up his hand and begins again]The sun was shining on the sea,Shining with all his might:

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He did his very best to makeThe billows smooth and brightAnd this was odd, because it wasThe middle of the night.

TWEEDLEDUMThe moon was shining sulkily,Because she thought the sunHad got no business to be thereAfter the day was done'It's very rude of him,' she said,'To come and spoil the fun!'

TWEEDLEDEEThe sea was wet as wet could be,The sands were dry as dry.You could not see a cloud, becauseNo cloud was in the sky:No birds were ying over head

There were no birds to y.TWEEDLEDUM

The Walrus and the CarpenterWere walking close at hand;They wept like anything to seeSuch quantities of sand:

'If this were only cleared away,'They said, 'it would be grand!'TWEEDLEDEE

'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'The Walrus did beseech.'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,

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Along the briny beach:We cannot do with more than four,To give a hand to each.'

TWEEDLEDUM

And four young oysters hurried up,All eager for the treat:Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,Their shoes were clean and neatAnd this was odd, because, you know,They hadn't any feet.

TWEEDLEDEEFour other Oysters followed them,

And yet another four;And thick and fast they came at last,And more, and more, and more--All hopping through the frothy waves,And scrambling to the shore.

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TWEEDLEDUM'The time has come,' the Walrus said,'To talk of many things:Of shoesand shipsand sealing-waxOf cabbagesand kingsAnd why the sea is boiling hotAnd whether pigs have wings.'

TWEEDLEDEE'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,'Before we have our chat;For some of us are out of breath,And all of us are fat!''No hurry!' said the Carpenter.They thanked him much for that.

TWEEDLEDUM'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,'Is what we chie y need:Pepper and vinegar besidesAre very good indeedNow if you're ready, Oysters dear,We can begin to feed.'

TWEEDLEDEE'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,

Turning a little blue,'After such kindness, that would beA dismal thing to do!''The night is ne,' the Walrus said'Do you admire the view?

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ALICEI like the Walrus best, because you see he was a little sorryfor the poor oysters.

TWEEDLEDEE

He ate more than the Carpenter, though. You see he heldhis handkerchief in front, so that the Carpenter couldn'tcount how many he took: contrariwise.

ALICEThat was mean! Then I like the Carpenter bestif hedidn't eat so many as the Walrus.

TWEEDLEDUMBut he ate as many as he could get.

ALICEWell! They were both very unpleasant characters

WHITE QUEEN[offstage, roaring and moaning] Oh! Oh! Oooooooh!

ALICEOh, my! . . . Are there any lions or tigers about here?

TWEEDLEDEEIt's only the Red King snoring.

TWEEDLEDUM[in a shrill voice of alarm] Or the White Queen moaning!

[Tweedledum and Tweedledee exit, running,their arms around each other's necks.]

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8. The White Queen

WHITE QUEEN[still offstage, moaning in desperation] Oh! Oh! Oooooooh!

NARRATORAlice ran a little way into the wood, and stopped under alarge tree.

ALICE

Here's somebody's shawl being blown away!NARRATOR

Alice caught the shawl as she spoke, and looked about forthe owner: in another moment, the White Queen camerunning wildly through the wood, with both arms

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stretched out wide, as if she were ying, and Alice verycivilly went to meet her with the shawl.

ALICEI'm very glad I happened to be in the way.

[helps Queen put on her shawl]WHITE QUEEN

I don't know what's the matter with this shawl!It's out of temper, I think. I've pinned it here, and I'vepinned it there, but there's no pleasing it!

ALICEIt can't go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side.[gently puts it right for her]And, dear me, what a state your hair is in!

WHITE QUEENThe brush has got entangled in it!And I lost the comb yesterday.

ALICE[carefully releases the brush, straightens Queen's hair]Come, you look rather better now!But really you should have a lady's maid!

WHITE QUEEN

I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure!Twopence a week, and jam every other day.

ALICE[laughing] I don't want you to hire meand I don't care for jam.

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WHITE QUEENIt's very good jam.

ALICEWell, I don't want any to-day , at any rate.

WHITE QUEENYou couldn't have it if you did want it. The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterdaybut never jam to-day.

ALICEIt must come sometimes to 'jam to-day'.

WHITE QUEENNo, it can't. It's jam every other day:to-day isn't any other day, you know.

ALICEI don't understand you. It's dreadfully confusing!

WHITE QUEENThat's the effect of living backwards. It always makes onea little giddy at rst

ALICELiving backwards! I never heard of such a thing!

WHITE QUEENbut there's one great advantage in it, that one's memoryworks both ways.

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ALICEI'm sure mine only works one way. I can't remember thingsbefore they happen.

WHITE QUEENIt's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.

ALICEWhat sort of things do you remember best?

WHITE QUEENOh, things that happened the week after next. For instance,now, there's the King's Messenger. He's in prison now,being punished: and the trial doesn't even begin till nextWednesday: and of course the crime comes last of all.

ALICESuppose he never commits the crime?

WHITE QUEENThat would be all the better, wouldn't it?ALICE

Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn't be allthe better his being punished.

WHITE QUEENYou're wrong there , at any rate.Were you ever punished?

ALICEOnly for faults.

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WHITE QUEENAnd you were all the better for it, I know!Let's consider your age to begin withhow old are you?

ALICE

I'm seven and a half exactly.WHITE QUEEN

You needn't say 'exactually'. I can believe it without that.Now I'll give you something to believe.I'm just one hundred and one, ve months and a day.

ALICEI can't believe that!

WHITE QUEENCan't you?[in a pitying tone] Try again: draw a long breath, and shutyour eyes.

ALICE[laughing] There's no use trying. One can't believeimpossible things.

WHITE QUEENI daresay you haven't had much practice. When I was yourage, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimesI've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.Oh! There goes the shawl again!

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NARRATORThe Queen's brooch had come undone as she spoke, and asudden gust of wind blew her shawl across a little brook.She spread out her arms again, and went ying after it,and this time she succeeded in catching it for herself.

WHITE QUEEN[running offstage, shouting triumphantly]I've got it! Now you shall see me pin it on again, all bymyself!

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9. Humpty Dumpty

ALICE[looking up to see Humpty Dumpty on the upper deck]

Well! How exactly like an egg that fellow is![stands underneath, with her hands ready to catch him]HUMPTY DUMPTY

[after a long silence, looking away from Alice]It's very provoking, . . . to be called an egg very!

ALICEI said you lookedlike an egg, Sir.And some eggs are very pretty, you know.

HUMPTY DUMPTY[turning away from her]Some people have no more sense than a baby!

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ALICE[softly to herself]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall:Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's menCouldn't put Humpty Dumpty in his place again.[still to herself] That last line is much too long for thepoetry.

HUMPTY DUMPTYDon't stand there chattering to yourself like that.

ALICE[suddenly] What a beautiful belt you've got on!. . . At least, a beautiful cravat, I should have saidno, abelt, I meanI beg your pardon![confused] If I only knew, which was neck and which waswaist!

HUMPTY DUMPTYIt is amostprovokingthing when a person doesn'tknow a cravat from a belt!

ALICE[humbly] I know it's very ignorant of me.

HUMPTY DUMPTY[relenting] It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as yousay. It's a present from the White King and Queen. . . .There now! . . .They gave it mefor an un-birthday present.

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ALICE[puzzled] I beg your pardon?

HUMPTY DUMPTYI'm not offended.

ALICEI mean, what is an un-birthday present?

HUMPTY DUMPTYA present given when it isn't your birthday, of course.

ALICE[considering her reply] I like birthday presents best.

HUMPTY DUMPTYYou don't know what you're talking about!How many days are there in a year?

ALICEThree hundred and sixty- ve.

HUMPTY DUMPTYAnd how many birthdays have you?

ALICEOne.

HUMPTY DUMPTYAnd if you take one from three hundred and sixty- ve,what remains?

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ALICEThree hundred and sixty-four, of course.

HUMPTY DUMPTY[doubtfully] I'd rather see that done on paper.

[Alice smiles as she takes outher memorandum-book,

and works the sum for him.Humpty Dumpty takes the book,

and looks at it carefully. ]HUMPTY DUMPTY

That seems to be done rightALICE

[interrupting] You're holding it upside down!HUMPTY DUMPTY

To be sure I was! I thought it looked a little queer.As I was saying, that seems to be done rightthough Ihaven't time to look it over thoroughly just nowand thatshows that there are three hundred and sixty-four dayswhen you might get un-birthday presents

ALICECertainly.

HUMPTY DUMPTYAnd only one for birthday presents, you know. . . .There's glory for you!

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ALICEI don't know what you mean by 'glory'.

HUMPTY DUMPTY[smiling contemptuously]Of course you don'ttill I tell you.I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'

ALICEBut 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'.

HUMPTY DUMPTY

[scornfully] When I use a word, it means just what Ichoose it to meanneither more nor less.ALICE

The question is, whether you can make words mean somany different things.

HUMPTY DUMPTYThe question is, which is to be masterthat's all.[after a pause] Impenetrability! That's what I say!

ALICEWould you tell me, please what that means?

HUMPTY DUMPTYNow you talk like a reasonable child.I meant by 'impenetrability' that:[speaking fast] we've had enough of that subject, and itwould be just as well if you'd mention what you mean todo next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the

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rest of your life.ALICE

[thoughtfully] That's a great deal to make one word mean.HUMPTY DUMPTY

When I make a word do a lot of work like that, I alwayspay it extra.

ALICEOh!

HUMPTY DUMPTYAND , as to poetry, I can recite poetry as well as other folk,if it comes to that. . . .

Jabberwocky Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe;All mimsy were the borogoves,And the mome raths outgrabe.'Beware the Jabberwock, my son!The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!Beware the Jubjub bird, and shunThe frumious Bandersnatch!'He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought--So rested he by the Tumtum tree,And stood awhile in thought.And as in uf sh thought he stood,The Jabberwock, with eyes of ame,Came whif ing through the tulgey wood,

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And burbled as it came!One, two! One, two! And through and throughThe vorpal blade went snicker-snack!He left it dead, and with its headHe went galumphing back.'And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?Come to my arms, my beamish boy!O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'He chortled in his joy.'Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,And the mome raths outgrabe.ALICE

It seems very pretty, but it's rather hard to understand!HUMPTY DUMPTY

It's rather time to say goodbye.ALICE

Goodbye, then.Till we meet again.

HUMPTY DUMPTYI shouldn't know you again if we should meet.

ALICEThe face is what one goes by generally.

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HUMPTY DUMPTYBut your face is the same as everybody else's:Now if you had two eyes on the same side of the nose, forinstanceor mouth at the topthat would be somehelp.

ALICEIt wouldn't look nice!

HUMPTY DUMPTYWait till you've tried.[closes his eyes and remains silent]

ALICE[waits for him to speak, gives up]Well! Goodbye![walks away]

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10. The Red Queen

[Alice walks into a garden,where she is accosted by the Red Queen.]

RED QUEENWhere do you come from?

And where are you going?Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your ngers allthe time.

ALICEI've lost my way.

RED QUEENI don't know what you mean by your way. All the waysabout here belong to me but why did you come out hereat all?Open your mouth a little wider when you speak, andalways say 'your Majesty'.

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ALICEI only wanted to see what the garden was like, . . .your Majesty

RED QUEEN

I daresay you've not had many lessons in manners yet.ALICE

Oh, but manners are not taught in lessons.Lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort.

RED QUEEN

And you do Addition?[speaking fast] What's one and one and one and one andone and one and one and one and one and one?

ALICEI don't know. I lost count.

RED QUEENSo, you can't do Addition.Can you do Subtraction? Take nine from eight.

ALICENine from eight I can't, you know, but

RED QUEENShe can't do Subtraction.Can you do Division? Divide a loaf by a knifewhat's the answer to that?

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ALICEI suppose

RED QUEENBread-and-butter, of course.Now, curtsey while you're thinking what to say. It savestime.[begins to run in place under the tree, grabbing Alice'shand, so Alice runs too]Faster! Faster!

ALICEDo all the things move along with us?I wonder.

RED QUEENFaster! Don't try to talk!

[Alice is panting, out of breath]

RED QUEENFaster! Faster![dragging Alice along, still running in place]

ALICEAre we nearly there?

[Queen props Alice up against a tree]RED QUEEN

[in a kindly voice] You may rest a little now.

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ALICEWhy, I do believe we've been under this tree the wholetime! Everything's just as it was!

RED QUEEN

Of course it is!What would you have it be?

ALICEWell, in our country, you'd generally get to somewhere elseif you ran very fast for a long time, as we've been doing.

RED QUEENA slow sort of country.Now, here , you see, it takes all the running you can do, tokeep in the same place.If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at leasttwice as fast as that!

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11. Painting the Roses

NARRATORAt that, the Red Queen ran off into the woods anddisappeared. Alice was tired of running, so she walkedslowly along the path and thenshe found herself in a beautiful garden, among bright ower-beds and coolfountains, just like the one she had seen through the littledoor, so long ago.A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the

roses growing on it were white, but there were threegardeners at it, busily painting them red. Alice thoughtthis a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watchthem, and just as she came up to them she heard one of them say:

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TWOLook out now, Five! Don't go splashing paint over me likethat!

FIVE

I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow.SEVEN

That's right, Five! Always lay the blame on others!FIVE

You'd better not talk! I heard the Queen say only yesterday

you deserved to be beheaded!TWO

What for?SEVEN

That's none of your business, Two!

FIVEYes, it is his business! And I'll tell himit was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.

SEVENWell, of all the unjust things!--

[seeing Alice, Seven stopsand bows low, andso do Two and Five]

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ALICE[timidly] Would you tell me why you are painting thoseroses?

TWOWhy the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have beena red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; andif the Queen was to nd it out, we should all have ourheads cut off, you know.So you see, Miss, . . . we're doing our best, afore she comes,to

FIVE[shouting] The Queen! The Queen!

NARRATORThe three gardeners instantly threw themselves at upontheir faces. There was a sound of many footsteps, and

Alice looked round, eager to see the Queen.First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; these were allshaped like the three gardeners, oblong and at, with theirhands and feet at the corners. Next came the courtiers andthe guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among themAlice recognised the White Rabbit: it was talking in ahurried nervous manner, smiling at everything that wassaid, and went by without noticing her.Then followed the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King'scrown on a crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all thisgrand procession, came the King and Queen of Hearts. And iwas the very same Red Queen who had just run off fromher in the woods!

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RED QUEEN[noticing Alice: severely, to the King] Who is this?[receiving no answer] Idiot![sharply, to Alice] What's your name, child?

ALICEMy name is Alice, so please your Majesty.[to herself] Why, they're only a pack of cards, after all. Ineedn't be afraid of them!

RED QUEEN

And who are these?NARRATOR

The Queen pointed to the three gardeners who were lyinground the rose-tree; for, you see, as they were lying ontheir faces, and the pattern on their backs was the same asthe rest of the pack, she could not tell who they were.

ALICE[courageously] How should I know? It's no business of mine.

RED QUEEN[screaming] Off with her head! Off

ALICE[interrupting and silencing her] Nonsense!

RED KINGConsider, my dear: she is only a child!

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NARRATORThe three gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King, the Queen, and everybody else, whilstthe Queen began examining the roses.

She noticed the paint dripping from them.RED QUEENWhat have you been doing here?

TWOMay it please your Majesty, we were trying

RED QUEENI see what you were trying!Off with their heads![still shouting, now to Alice] Can you play croquet?

ALICE[shouting back] Yes!

RED QUEEN[roaring in a voice of thunder] Come on, then! . . .Now, everyone! Get to your places!

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12. The Queen's Croquet-Ground

NARRATORAnd people began running about in all directions,tumbling up against each other and falling down;however, they got settled down in a minute or two, andthe game began. Alice thought:

ALICEI have never seen such a curious croquet-ground in mylife!

NARRATORCurious indeed! It was all ridges and furrows; the ballswere live hedgehogs, the mallets live amingoes, and thesoldiers had to double themselves up and to stand on theirhands and feet, to make the arches.

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The players all played at once without waiting for turns,quarreling all the while, and ghting for the hedgehogs;and in a very short time the Queen was in a furiouspassion, and went stamping about, and about once everyminute, she shouted:

RED QUEEN[looking to the right] Off with his head! . . .[looking to the left] Off with her head!

ALICE[to herself] I have not as yet had any dispute with the

Queen, but it might happen any minute, and then, whatwould become of me? They're dreadfully fond of beheading people here; the great wonder is, that there'sany one left alive![looking up, she sees a familiar grin in the tree]Why, it's the Cheshire Cat!Now I shall have somebody to talk to.

CHESHIRE CATHow are you getting on?[his whole face appears]

ALICEI don't think they play at all fairly, and they all quarrel so

dreadfully one can't hear oneself speakand they don'tseem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are,nobody attends to themand you've no idea howconfusing it is all the things being alive.For instance, there's the arch I've got to go through nextwalking about at the other end of the groundand I

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should have croqueted the Queen's hedgehog just now,only it ran away when it saw mine coming!

CHESHIRE CATHow do you like the Queen?

ALICENot at all! She's so extremely

NARRATORJust then she noticed that the Queen was close behind her,listening: so she hesitated, then went on carefully:

ALICEShe's so extremely . . . likely to win, that it's hardly worthwhile nishing the game.

RED KINGWho are you talking to?

ALICEIt's a friend of minea Cheshire Cat;allow me to introduce it.

RED KINGI don't like the look of it at all;however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.

CHESHIRE CATI'd rather not.

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RED KINGDon't be impertinent.[hiding behind Alice, to the Cat] And don't look at me likethat!

ALICEA cat may look at a king.I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where.

RED KINGWell, it must be removed!

[to the Queen] My dear! I wish you would have this catremoved!

RED QUEEN[without looking round] Off with his head!

RED KING

[hurrying off] I'll fetch the executioner myself!NARRATOR

But when the King returned, a dispute immediately arose between the executioner, the King, and the Queen, whowere all talking at once, while all the rest were quite silent,and looked very uncomfortable.

All three appealed to Alice to settle the question, and theyrepeated their arguments to her, though, as they all spokeat once, she found it very hard indeed to make out exactlywhat they said.

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NARRATORIt was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and anxious.Alice could think of nothing to say to placate them, but atthat moment the Cheshire Cat's head began fading away.And by the time the Queen shouted . . .

RED QUEEN[in a fury] Off with his head!Off with all their heads!

NARRATOR. . . the Cat had entirely disappeared; so the King and theexecutioner ran wildly up and down looking for it.The Queen glanced around once, however, andimmediately lost all interest in the Cat.Then she noticed that Alice was still there and had nothing

to do.

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13. Beautiful Soup

RED QUEEN[to Alice] Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?

ALICENo. I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is.

RED QUEEN[incredulous] It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is madefrom!

ALICEI never saw one, or heard of one.

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RED QUEENCome on, then, and he shall tell you his history.[walks over to the Gryphon, fast asleep]Up, lazy thing! and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history.I must go back and see about some executions I haveordered.

[Queen exits. The Gryphon sits up, rubbing his eyes.He pulls Alice along to the Mock Turtle,

who looks at them, eyes lled with tears.]

GRYPHONThis here young lady, she wants for to know your history,she do.

MOCK TURTLEI'll tell it her.

[a deep sigh] Once I was a real Turtle.[another deep sigh] When we were little,[sobbing] we went to school in the sea.The master was an old Turtlewe used to call himTortoise

ALICE

Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?MOCK TURTLE

[angrily] We called him Tortoise because he taught ushewas our teacherreally you are very dull!

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ALICEI never heard of Ugli cation. What is it?

GRYPHONWhat! Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose?

ALICEYes, it meanstomakeanythingprettier.

GRYPHONIf you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.

ALICEWell, tell me, how many hours a day did you do lessons?

MOCK TURTLETen hours the rst day, nine the next, and so on.

ALICEWhat a curious plan!

GRYPHONThat's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessenfrom day to day.

ALICE

Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?MOCK TURTLE

Of course it was.

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GRYPHONThat's enough about lessons now.Would you like me to explain the Lobster Quadrille?Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?

ALICEOh, a song, please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.GRYPHON

Humph! No accounting for tastes!Sing her 'Turtle Soup', old fellow.

MOCK TURTLE[Sighing deeply, and sometimes choking with sobs]Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,Waiting in a hot tureen!Who for such dainties would not stoop?Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!Soo--oop of the e--e--evening,

Beautiful, beautiful Soup!Beautiful Soup! Who cares for sh,Game, or any other dish?Who would not give all else for twoPennyworth only of beautiful Soup?Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?

Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!

Soo--oop of the e--e--evening,Beautiful, beauti--FUL SOUP!

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GRYPHONChorus again!

WHITE RABBIT[offstage, in the distance] The trial's beginning!

GRYPHONCome on! [takes Alice by the hand, hurrying off, withoutwaiting for the song]

ALICE[panting as she runs] What trial is it?

GRYPHON[running] Come on!

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14. The Trial: Who Stole the Tarts?

[King and Queen of Heartsseated on their throne,

the Knave standing before them;in the very middle of the court

a table, with a large dishof tarts upon it]

WHITE RABBIT[trumpet in one hand, scroll of parchment in the other]Where shall I begin, please, your Majesty?

RED KINGBegin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end:then stop.

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ALICE[noticing how much she's grown] I won't!

RED QUEENOff with her head!

ALICEWho cares for you? You're nothing but a pack of cards! Just a pack of cards!

[At this the cards are throwndown from the deck.]

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ALICE'S SISTERWake up, Alice dear!Why, what a long sleep you've had! And you weredreaming.

ALICEOh, I've had such a curious dream!

ALICE'S SISTERIt was a curious dream. But it's getting late!That's enough, I think.Now let's all have something good to eat and drink!

THE END

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Dramatised and redacted fromAlice's Adventures in Wonderland

and Through the Looking Glass by Deborah and Robert Silvey

With thanks to Lewis Carrolland Sir John Tenniel

for their beautiful words and pictures


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Documents

Alice in Berkeley