Adoption Through the

Eyes of Children: A developmental

perspective

Debbie Riley, LCMFTChief Executive Officer

Center for Adoption Support and Education

www.adoptionsupport.org

Center for Adoption Support and Education, Inc.

For more information, visitwww.adoptionsupport.org

• Pre- and post-adoption counseling, assessment and therapeutic services

• Individual and group therapy for kids, teens and adults• Crisis intervention, support and assistance with school issues• Training, education & interactive workshops – for families,

educators and professionals• Nationally recognized post-adoption models• TAC: Training for Adoption Competency• Our newest Game: 52 Ways to Talk about Adoption

• Award-winning print publications, articles, newsletters and online resources

a non-profit adoptive family support center, since 1998

With decades of experience, our mission is to strengthen the well-being of children and families of all adoptive experiences by providing them the adoption-centered services and resources they need, including:

Some common misperceptions or myths about adoption

Adoption is second best Birthparents are irresponsible You can’t really love a child who isn’t

biologically related to you Adoption is “the easy way” Adoptees are “lucky” Adoptees who search don’t really love their

adoptive parents Adoptees have more emotional problems than

other people

Understanding and adjustment to adoption is influenced by:

The child’s emerging cognitive capacity Developing coping skills Opportunities to communicate about their

thoughts and feelings

Communication is key to promoting wellness in adoption

But we now know . . .

Communicating about adoption is key to adoption adjustment

Adoption transposes adopted persons from one location in the human mosaic to a totally new configuration.

Adoption is not pathological . . . Rather issues associated with adoption evolve logically out of the nature of adoption itself.

AGES 0-4AGES 0-4

Adopted child does not realize

differences between self

and non-adopted

children

THEY MAY FEEL:

The adoption story is special and makes them feel good

Everyone is adopted

They may feel confused or fearful of memories

They are likely to be aware They are likely to be aware that…that…

They do not look just like their parents, as some children do

People often remark or ask questions about their family

Part of their early life was in a different place or they were with people who are not their parents today

Some may have confused—and maybe sad or scary– memories or emotions because of their early years.

For most young children, these are only facts of their life.

These facts usually do not reflect negatively on how children feel day to day, especially if those around

them make them feel safe, secure, and loved.

AGES 5-6AGES 5-6

Child asks a lot of questions.Loves to hear adoption story but has little

understanding of concepts.

THEY MAY FEEL:THEY MAY FEEL:

Inquisitive about the birthing experience

Comfortable saying that they are adopted

They have physical and racial differences from their parents

“My first family could not take care of me and I got adopted.”

AGES 6-11AGES 6-11

Child understands basic concept of

adoption.Realizes that he

lost something in order to be

adopted, begins feelings of LOSS

and GRIEF.

THEY MAY FEEL:

“Not everyone is adopted like me.”

Mixed emotions of sadness, happiness, confusion.

Persistent question inside: “Why was I adopted?”

Adoptive loss creates a theme in adoptee’s development

They may have lost . . .

Culture and traditions

Language

Religion

Racial connections

Siblings

Medical information

Birth legend and birth order

Genealogical continuity

“Being adopted is like being a puzzle-with a missing piece.”

Adoptees placed as infants can’t grieve for his/her

loss until he develops an internal mental

representation of what he/she has lost (a fantasy

parent)

GriefGrief

Children at this age may spend a lot of time wondering about their

adoption story. Feelings of sadness, confusion, and worry may be kept

inside.

You get your “everyday” love from your adoptive parents, way deep down inside love from your birth parents. Birth parents love you in the beginning forever and then they put you in the care of your adoptive parents who love you.

-Jeffrey, age 10

Adopted children have many questions inside . . .

Why did my birth mother leave me?

Where is she now? Is she OK?

What will I look like when I grow up?

Was my birth father a good person?

Do I have any siblings?

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED 

 Feels OK about adoption and thinks story Feels OK about adoption and thinks story is special. story.

Birth to 4 years old

Likes adoption story, but does not understand concepts of adoption.

Feels some differences, and wonders about it when it comes up – especially if in multicultural family.

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED 

Does not understand adoption and often asks simple questions to learn more.

Accepts adoption as a way to form a family.

5-6 years old

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED

Child understands basic concepts Does not understand adoption of adoption. concepts, but begins to sense

that it is when parents “give away” child (adoption may seem sad, confusing, scary)

Begins grieving process Reaction to adopted peers may stop asking questions/denial may be based on information Realizes lost something in order from adults (if any) or media to be adopted

“Not everyone is adopted like me” “Not everyone is adopted like he is”

 

7-11 years old

“Why was I adopted?” “Why was she adopted?” “Why didn’t they keep me?” “Could my parents give me

away?” “Did I do something wrong?” “I’m glad I am not adopted.” Increasing interest in birth parents “Adoption is OK because I

like you” or Adoption is NOT OK because I don’t like you”

 Fantasies about living with different Fantasies about living with

different parents different parents

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED

7-11 years old

3 Stages of 3 Stages of AdolescenceAdolescence

I. Early (11-13 yrs.) First attempts to establish distinct

identity

Begins separating emotionally from family

At age 13, begins the ability to think abstractly, and to manipulate and explore ideas.

II. Middle (14-16 yrs.)

Practice intimacy

Consolidation of one’s sense of self

III. Late (17-19 yrs.)

Thoughts and feelings focus on how teen will leave home and separate from family in a healthy way

Teenagers’ task is to form an identity

IDENTITY = values, beliefs, capabilities, talents, intellectual capabilities, sexual self-image, personality traits, racial and ethnic heritage, personal expectations, and physical characteristics

Teens Teens Develop a Develop a Sense of Who Sense of Who They Are By:They Are By:•Seeing how they are similar to their families

•Seeing how they are different from their families

•Discovering how others see them

•Combining aspects of themselves from their past, present and future dreams

“What’s it LIKE to be adopted?”Some responses from teen adoptees

Different

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED

Anger stage of grieving and dev’l stage Anger stage of dev’l stage May resist authority, try on new identities May resist authority, try on new

identities Begins separating from 2 sets of parents Begins separating from 1 set of

parents May be angry over loss of control over Wants more control in lifeadoption decisions, wants more control in life Growing sense of self: identity issues Growing sense of self: identity issues

12-14 years old

 More complex reasoning about Sees many differences about adoptionadoptive families and needs to look at grays rather than black and white. Oversimplifies how adoption occurs and does not understand emotional issues

Rejects kids who are different Rejects kids who are different Generally does not talk about being May be negative about what an adoptee he/she perceives what adoption

reflects about adoptees What does sex have to do with What does sex have to do withadoption? adoption? 

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED

12-14 years old

ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED

Separates from 2 sets of parents Separates from 1 set of parents Has second layer of concerns about May face concerns about leaving home leaving home, but usually feels

secure about his/her permanency

15-17 years old