ADDISON

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

TIM (28, fat, bearded) and TESSA (28) are sitting at a tableeating

TESSAIm thinking of going on a diet.

Tim just stares at her.TESSA

... Well?

TIMI dont know what Im supposed tosay. Can you just give me the rightresponse, and then Ill repeat itback to you?

TESSANo.

TIMWhy not?

TESSABecause Im not dating a parrot.Parrots repeat what they hear.Youre not a parrot.

TIMWell, what about that time you fedme crackers for an hour?

TESSADid I also clean your cageafterwards?

TIMNo.

TESSAThen youre a parrot. OK? Im goingon a diet. What do you have to sayabout that, my human,cracker-eating boyfriend?

TIMCan you give me a clue?

TESSAWeve been dating for a year, andIve given you clues left and right

(MORE)

2.

TESSA (contd)about everything for that entireyear. No clues this time.

TIMOK. But before I say anything, atleast let me know if this is one ofyour PMS moments.

TESSAIts not. And Im taking 10 pointsoff for you asking that.

TIMOne more question. Are you mad atme for anything Ive done lately?

TESSANo.

TIMAnd by "no," do you mean "yes?"

TESSANo.

TIMAnd by that second "no," do youmean "yes?"

TESSANo. Except now Im starting to getmad at you for asking me if Im madat you.

TIM... Are you sure this isnt a PMSmoment?

TESSANow Im definitely mad at you!

TIMBecause of your PMS?

TESSANo! Because youre acting like ajackass.

TIMSo I cant act like a jackass or aparrot?

3.

TESSARight.

TIMHow about a chicken?

He gets up and begins clawing, clucking, and moving his"wings." He stops.

TESSANo chickens, no parrots, and nojackasses. Im thinking of going ona diet. What does my humanboyfriend have to say about that?

Tim sits down.

TIMWell. Let me just say this: youreone of of the thinnest people Iknow.

TESSAYeah. Im one of the thinnestpeople you know. Thats like beingone of the least slutty whores inLas Vegas.

TIMUh. What?

TESSALet me ask you something, Tim. Whenwas the last time you had a carrotas a snack?

TIMUm. I dont know the exact year. Itwas definitely during the Bushadministration.

TESSAWhich Bush?

TIMI dont remember the exact Bush.

TESSAWhen was the last time you sawsomeone else eating a carrot as asnack?

4.

TIMUm. Does Bugs Bunny count?

TESSAHeres my point. You live in anextra extra extra large world,where everyone you know eats theirsnacks at Burger King. Thats whyIm one of the thinnest people youknow.

TIMOh. Right. Now I get the Las Vegaswhore analogy.

TESSAGreat.

TIMSo are you saying that my responsewas the wrong response?

TESSANo. Im just saying that itcouldve been way, way righter.Because it was wrong.

TIMWell. The thing is, theres noright response to your girlfriendtelling you, "Im thinking of goingon a diet." There are a hundredresponses, and theyre allwrong. Im better at responding tothings that are more concrete.Just, like, you know. Questionswith right angles. Like, whats 20+ 20? 40. Whats the capital ofTexas? Dallas. Whats selection B4at the Oak Park vending machine?Goobers. Whats selection B5 at theOak park vending machine? Snickers.Whats selection B6 at...

TESSAThe capitol of Texas is Austin. Andcorrect me if Im wrong, but itsounds like you have the entire OakPark vending machine memorized.

TIMYeah. Are you impressed by myincredible memory?

5.

TESSAWell. The thing is, your braindoesnt have a good memory. Yourstomach does.

TIMThat makes sense. Because mystomach is five times the size ofmy brain.

TESSAWell maybe you should use yourbrain more than you use yourstomach.

TIMBut I cant eat Goobers with mybrain.

TESSAMaybe you should stop eatingGoobers.

TIMAre you saying I should eatRaisinettes?

TESSAIm saying you should eatraisins--or better yet, grapes--orbetter yet, carrots.

TIMLook. Lets get back to theoriginal topic. You said thatyoure thinking of going on a diet.And heres what I think. I thinkyou look great.

TESSAI think were gonna go on a diet.

TIMHoney. Youre confused. Theoriginal topic was how youre gonnago on a diet.

TESSAWe are gonna go on a diet.

TIMYou are gonna go on a diet.

6.

TESSAWe are gonna go on a diet.

TIMLets compromise. How about you goon a diet, and I eat a carrot?

TESSAA raw carrot or a fried carrot?

TIMHoney. Im your humanboyfriend--remember? Raw carrotsare for rabbits. Im not arabbit--even though I have sex asoften as one.

TESSAI dont think you do.

TIMWell. I think about sex as often asa rabbit, and I have sex as oftenas a jackass.

TESSASo youre not gonna go on diet, oreven eat a raw carrot?

TIMHoney--the point is, I think youlook great.

TESSALet me ask you one more question.Do you consider me a demandinggirlfriend?

TIMUm. Can you tell me the rightanswer?

TESSASure. The right answer is, "No,Tessa. Youre not a demandinggirlfriend."

TIMOK. "No, Tessa. Youre not ademanding girlfriend."

7.

TESSAIt sounded like you were beingsarcastic when you said that.

TIMI wasnt being sarcastic.

TESSAWell now say it like you mean it.

TIMWell--the thing is, right nowyoure kind of being demanding.

TESSATim! Im not demanding! Generallyspeaking, Im not a demandinggirlfriend.

TIMFine. Youre not a demandinggirlfriend.

TESSATell me that I didnt demand you tosay that.

TIMFine. You didnt demand me to saythat youre not a demandinggirlfriend. I just said it becauseI wanted to say it, right after youdemanded me to say it.

TESSATim!

TIMTessa. Listen. Generally speaking,youre not a demanding girlfriend.I mean it.

TESSARight. I dont ask you to do thatmany things. But I am asking you tosort of go on a diet. With me.Well go on a diet together. Illgo on a real diet, youll go on asort of diet. Ill eat raw carrots,youll eat sauteed carrots, andbaked potatoes, and roastedchicken. Hows that?

8.

TIMDo I get to eat the skin?

TESSAOf the potatoes, yes.

TIMHow about the chicken skin?

TESSAYou can eat half of the chickenskin. See? Im not a demandinggirlfriend.

TIMFine. Ill eat sauteed carrots, andbaked potatoes, and roasted chickenwith half of its skin. But as partof our overall deal, I get to pickwhat TV shows we watch from 9 to10, and I get to sleep with yoursister. Hows that?

TESSAHow about we compromise? You get topick what we watch from 9 to 9:30,and you get to sleep with mybrother.

TIMDeal. But only if your brothershaves his legs. By the way--can Istill go to Burger King for asnack?

TESSAYou can snack on carrots.

TIMCompromise. I can snack on halfcarrots, half burgers, and I get toplay video games from 9 to 10.

TESSACompromise. Ill take my x-box tomy ex-boyfriends apartment, andIll go live with him.

TIMCompromise. Ill eat burgers withyour ex-boyfriend, and Ill shavemy legs.

9.

TESSAYou might want to work on yournegotiation skills.

TIMCompromise. Ill work on mynegotiation skills, if you let meeat three quarters of the chickenskin.

TESSAI think your stomach is ten timesthe size of your brain.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Tim is sitting alone, watching TV and drinking carrot juice.Tim opens the door to reveal CONNOR (28, fit).

TIMHey. Uh, Tessas not here.

CONNORIm not here to see her.

TIMSo are you here to, like, take anemergency piss?

CONNORNo. Im here to see you.

TIMOh. ... Why?

Connor walks in.

CONNORI heard your fat ass is on a diet.

TIMUm. Yeah.

CONNORI also heard that you want me towax my legs.

TIMNo. I said shave. Shave your legs.

Connor walks over to the refrigerator and opens it.

10.

TIMHelp yourself.

CONNORIm not helping myself. Im helpingyou.

He throws some bacon into the trash.

TIMWhoa, whoa, whoa! What are youdoing?! Thats bacon.

CONNORThats why Im throwing it away.

TIMYoure Jewish?

CONNORNo. Youre fat. And youre makingmy sister fat. So Im gonna makesure you do this diet right.

He reaches into the refrigerator, grabs a paper plate with ahalf slice of cheesecake on it, and throws it in the trash.

TIMDude! What are you doing? Thatscheesecake. You just threw awaycake, and you threw away cheese. Inone swoop. Thats, like, twoviolations of my apartments tencommandments. Thou shalt not throwaway cake, and thou shalt not throwaway cheese.

Connor gets in the push up position.

CONNORLie on my back.

TIMDude. Like I said, youre gonnahave to shave your legs before wedo that.

CONNORLie on my back!

Tim lies on Connors back, and Connor does three push ups.

11.

CONNORI weight 180 pounds. I just didthree push ups with a whale on myback. Now you do three push upswith nothing on your back.

TIMUm. Well. Commandment three: Thoushalt not push thyself up.

CONNORWell. Just pretend Im Moses, and Ijust came down from Mount Sinaiwith a new ten commandments. Thoushall do push ups.

TIMOr how about I pretend yourePharaoh? Maybe then someone willdrop ten plagues on you.

CONNORDo three push ups.

TIMLet my people go.

CONNORThree push ups.

TIMFine.

Tim does three push ups.

TIMOK. I did three push ups. Now thisis the part where I reward myselfwith bacon and cheesecake.

Tim looks into the trash can. Connor spits into the trashcan.

TIMOK. Thanks for stopping by. Illshow you the door. Its over there.Now get the hell out.

12.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Tim and Tessa are seated on the sofa.

TIMSo. How was work?

TESSAJenna is a total bitch.

TIMRight. Absolutely. I cant standthat bitch. By the way--whosJenna?

TESSAShes that blonde girl who onlywaitresses on Sundays.

TIMOh. Yeah.

TESSAWhat do you mean, "Oh. Yeah." Areyou saying you think shes hot?

TIMHow did you get that from "Oh.Yeah?"

TESSABecause you were all like, "Oh.Yeah. Id like to have sex withher. Oh, yeah!"

TIMI wasnt all like that. I was alllike, "Oh. Yeah. I know who youretalking about now."

TESSANo. You were all like, "Oh. Yeah. Iknow who youre talking about now.Youre talking about that waitressthat I want to have sex with. CauseIm a dog."

TIMIm not a dog.

TESSAOh. So youre calling me a bitch?!

13.

TIMHow am I calling you a bitch?

TESSACause youre all like, "Im notdog. Youre a dog, Tessa. Youre afemale. In other words, youre abitch."

TIMIs that what I said.

TESSAYes. You said that--right after youwere all like, "Oh. Yeah. I knowwho youre talking about now.Youre talking about that waitressthat I want to have sex with."

TIMThe only waitress I want to havesex with is you.

TESSAWhat about the waitresses on 2Broke Girls?

TIMI dont even watch that show.

TESSAYou were watching it last night!

TIMBecause you were watching it, and Iwas sitting next to you.

TESSABut why were you watching it?

TIMBecause you were sitting next to meand watching it.

TESSANo. Because you want to have sexwith those two girls, just like youwant to have sex with Jenna. Whenwe watched that show last night,you were all like, "Oh, yeah! Ireally want to have sex with thesetwo broke girls, and Tessascoworker Jenna."

14.

TIMSex? I dont even like sex.

TESSAWhat about all that "sex like arabbit" talk yesterday?

TIMWhat about the sane girlfriend Ihad a couple of days ago? Can Italk to her for a second.

TESSA... Sorry. Its just that this dietis making me a little...

TIMBitchy?

TESSANo! Not bitchy!

TIMOh. Uh... nice?

TESSADo I sound like Im being nice?!

TIMUh... no? I mean, uh... yes? Um.Can you just tell me the rightanswer?

TESSAYou dont have to give me a rightanswer.

TIMAwesome. Do I also not have tolisten to you?

TESSA(slightly annoyed)

Tim.

TIMI was just joking. I love listeningto you. Usually. So can you startbeing your usual self?

TESSAYes.

15.

TIMBy the way--your brother dropped bytoday, and he was his usual self.

TESSAOh. You mean he borrowed ourbatteries, and detergent, andinsurance?

TIMNo. But he threw away our bacon andcheesecake, and he made me do threepush ups.

TESSAGood.

TIMGood? What do you mean good?

TESSAHeres what I mean.

She gets up, opens a cabinet, takes out a package ofcookies, and throws it in the trash.

TESSAOh. And also...

She does three push ups.

TIMOK. Um. Did PMS make you do that?

TESSANo, Tim! When PMS makes me dosomething, Ill announce it to you!

TIMOK. Fine. Sorry. Honey--just, like,come down here and sit with me. Andwell watch TV, while the fat meltsoff of my body. OK?

TESSAOK.

She sits down and puts her arms around him. They watchTV. Several seconds pass.

TESSASo how was the carrot juice?

16.

TIMGreat. Much better than a burger.

Several more seconds pass.

TESSAYouve been smoking.

TIMSays who?

TESSASays the smell of smoke on you.

TIMTheres no smell of smoke.

TESSATheres a smell of smoke under asmell of body spray, Febreeze, andmouthwash.

TIMFine. I mightve smoked a couple ofcigarettes. I was in my underwear,though--and I was wearing a hat.

TESSAHow does that make it any better?

TIMIt doesnt. I just figured youwouldnt be able to smell it on meif I smoked in my underwear whilewearing a hat, and then I took offthe hat and used body spray andFebreeze and mouthwash. Butapparently, your sense of smell islike a dogs.

TESSADog? Are you calling me a bitchagain?

TIMPlease dont start that again.

TESSAOK. ... So youre back to smoking?

TIMNo. Maybe a little. But itsbecause Im on a diet. You know.

(MORE)

17.

TIM (contd)Im hungry. So instead of eatingbacon, I smoke a cigarette or two.

TESSAWell. ... Fine. You can smoke onecigarette a day. One. See? Im notdemanding.

TIMI know youre not.

Several more seconds pass.

TESSAOh. I left my sweatshirt in yourcar yesterday. I gotta go get it.

TIMUm. You know what? Ill go get it.I, uh, I need the exercise.

TESSAYou need the exercise?

TIMYes. I need the exercise.

TESSAIve never heard you say anythinglike that before.

TIMWell. You know. It must be thecarrot juice talking.

TESSATim. Im gonna go get my sweatshirtfrom your car.

TIMHoney. Ill get it.

She grabs some keys and runs out the door.

Tim gets up and calls out to her:

TIMHoney. I need the exerc...

(to himself)Eh. Whatever.

(Cut to later)

18.

Tim is sitting on the sofa.

Tessa walks in holding a Burger King bag.

TESSABurger King? What did you get atBurger King? A salad?

TIMYes.

TESSAAnd by yes, do you mean no?

TIMNo.

TESSAAnd by no, do you mean yes?

TIMI mightve gotten a Whopper Jr.

TESSAAnd by Whopper Jr., do you meanWhopper Sr.?

TIMMaybe.

TESSAAnd by Whopper Sr., do you mean twoWhopper Seniors?

TIMWell. I believe the plural ofWhopper Sr. is Whoppers Sr.

TESSAYou ate two Whoppers?

TIMOf course not. Im on a diet. So Ionly had one Whopper.

TESSASo youre smoking, and youreeating Whoppers?

TIMOne Whopper, Tessa. Just one. Notplural.

19.

TESSAWell was their bacon in thesingular Whopper you had?

TIMWell. I mean, it was a barbecuebacon Whopper. So I had to get itwith bacon. Id feel a little sillyordering a barbecue bacon Whopper,and telling them to hold the bacon.

TESSAWell. You couldve just ordered aplain Whopper.

TIMWell I didnt think of that. OK?

TESSAThats cause you were thinkingwith your stomach.

TIMHoney. Pigs exist. OK? As long aspigs exist, Im gonna eat bacon. Ifyou want to make me stop eatingbacon, youre gonna have to find away to make pigs extinct. And evenif you do, Ill move on to lambbacon.

TESSALamb bacon?

TIMYeah. Thats my backup plan in casepigs go extinct. Its lamb bacon,and then duck bacon, and a fewother items. Turkey bacon is number23. The point is, Im a baconeater. And a cookie eater. And achicken skin eater. But not acarrot eater. OK?

(Later)

Tim is shirtless and standing in front of a plate ofcookies.

Tessa is standing behind him, and holding a bamboo cane.

20.

TIMHoney. You cant be serious.

TESSAThis is a weight loss technique. Iread about it on the internet. Youcan eat as much junk food as youwant. But every time you eat some,I whip you with this bamboo cane.

TIMCompromise. How about every time Ieat a carrot, I get to whip youwith a bamboo cane?

TESSANo. Im the whipper, and youre thewhippee.

TIMAre you sure you dont have PMS?

She whips him.

TESSAAnd every time you mention mehaving PMS, Ill whip you with thisbamboo cane.

TIMYou know what? That hurts--but in agood way.

TESSAOh, great.

TIMNow Im into bacon and S&M. Can youwear one of those dominatrixoutfits?

He takes a bite of a cookie.

TIMOK. Whip me.

TESSANo. Ill only whip you if you stopeating cookies.

TIMCompromise. Ill eat crackers andmake parrot noises, and youll whipme and