MORE IS MORE

Adding Detail to Make Your Essays Like the Giants… World Champs!

Way Way Back…

Last Week We Learned Writing is a Process

The First Attempt is never perfect Revision makes our writing better

REVISION STRATEGY 1 Use Sentence Patterns

They add life, rhythm and variety

Which is best?

1. The rain ruined our picnic.2. The dark clouds built overhead as we rushed

to pack up our picnic supplies. Before we could make it to the car, the rain began to fall in buckets from the sky.

A. Wilson’s plays were big, often sprawling and poetic, dealing primarily with the effects of slavery on succeeding generations of black Americans.

B. August Wilson’s plays do a great job telling the story of African Americans.

Why are 2 and A Better?

They SHOW instead of TELL. “The dark clouds built…” vs. “The

rain…”

They are SPECIFIC “…the effects of slavery…” vs. “…story

of African Americans…”

They use FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE “…fall in buckets…”

Revision Strategy 2

DETAIL

How do I add Detail?

SHOW instead of TELL Answer the question “Why?” or “How?”

TELL: My brother is talented. WHY???? He won the Super Bowl. He’s great at banjo.

SHOW: After throwing for 296 yards and one touchdown to win his 2nd Super Bowl, my brother composed a song called “Super Bowl Banjo Go!”

How else do I add Detail? Be SPECIFIC

How do I “Be Specific?” General Language describes large categories. Specific Language describes individual items or

actions.

What’s the Most Specific?

Hammer, Tool, Hardware Gems, Diamond, Jewelry Washing Machine, Electrical

Appliance, Household Convenience Difficulties the first year of college,

overscheduling in college, problems in college.

Buying a car, accepting the burdens of an independent life, undertaking a major financial commitment

How else else do I add Detail? Use FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE

Make a comparison—simile or metaphor “She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,

like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.”

Personification The Coca-Cola bears nearly fumbled that

bottle of Coke. Onomatopoeia

The grumble of my stomach tells me it’s time to eat.

Etc…

One Final Thought

Be cautious Be mindful of overdoing the details:

Many uneducated citizens who have never attended school continue to vote for better schools.

Make sure the detail has purpose Describe character Support a claim Complete your thought

Practice -

Replace the words in ALL CAPS with appropriate details.

1. Charlie IS TIRED.2. Gabriela IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

CHILD IN THE FAMILY.3. Berniece is CALM. 4. The air in the subways IS STALE.5. Lois walked CLUMSILY.

This is why your teachers ask you to write more, not because we want you to write more because we want you to prove that you know.

This is why your parents want you to explain why you want to stay out after midnight.