Act of the Second[1]

8/6/2019 Act of the Second[1]

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Clue-lessTimothy Devery

Characters:

Ms. S. Harlot:

A sexy, vivacious woman, addicted to alcohol, sex, and money. Not a drunk, but a lady with noremorse or care for the well-being of others. Typical of a woman of ill-repute, she seeks menwith money, and will make them believe whatever they wish so she can gain her rewards. Really,

she looks out for herself, and all else be damned. Living lavishly and happily so. She wears lowcut, slim scarlet dresses. Her color is red.

Professor Jo Peach:

One of the twins, with tight curly, practically white fro hair. Light brown in colour. No glasses.Jo is a history teacher at a local high school, living with his identical twin brother in a small,

cramped apartment on a busy downtown street. Hes bored and ready to move on and out, butnot quite ready to remove himself from the last member of his family. He wears tweed suits. His

color is purple.

Professor Bo Peach:Second of the twins, longer, darker hair, less curly. He wears glasses and teaches English at the

same high school as his brother. The two have spent their entire lives together, being born fromthe same womb and the like, and Bo is less willing to break out of the norm. Hes happy enough

where he is, living poorly in the city with his teaching degree and brother by his side. He wearstweed suits. His color is purple.

Mrs. Giblet:

A typical Southern belle, but all of her charms were never there. She is crude, tells ridiculousstories about her wild childhood and numerous past husbands, and of course about her high-end

Southern cuisine, which is typically deep-fried body parts of animals. She always has her eye outfor her next husband, as well as her little, animated (or stuffed) puppy, Gravy. To her, Gravy is

most important, and if something upsets him, she too will be unhappy. She wears an assortmentof sun dresses, hefty and flowing. Her color is blue.

Marshal Marshall Mallow:

A war veteran, aged beyond his aged physique. Sometime in his past, mostly due to wartime,Mallow lost his mind, and is now trapped in an endless struggle with invisible evils, as well as

numerous past prejudices. He is hardly accepting of anything new and different, living in hisown past that he makes up while he goes along. He sees himself as a man who has created the

very country in which he lives, and he expects such respect. He wears a yellow war-veteransuniform, possibly too small. His color is yellow.

Ms. Ebony Flo:

A young, whimsical woman that never adhered to structure. She practices magic, participates inmany an occult activity, and hates modern technology. Even so, she surrounds herself with

modern creations, utilizing them in her everyday life as well as the means of pushing herself intothe mainstream. In her attempts to match her great-great-great (etc) grandmothers power, Flo


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utilizes all of her skills to gain fans for herself. She typically wears black dresses and lightlyaccessorizes. Her color is black.

Mr. Red Herring:

A criminal by nature, Herring spends most of his time in prison. Whenever in court or at legal

proceedings, he is well composed and charming. Due to this, hes never served a serious, longsentence, though he is into a heavy trial when the letter arrives. Herring will stop at nothing toget what he wants, or punish those that prevents him from doing so. Law means nothing to him.

He is also clad in an orange prison jump-suit. His color is orange.

Ms. Blanc-Mange:A chef, that through a fit of rage and revulsion attempted to poison the French ambassador, and

had to quit her dream career at its peak. Torn asunder since, Blanc-Mange harbors huge negativefeelings toward everything French, and is very particular to pointing out that her name is indeed

not French, though it clearly is. She is angry, and uses sarcasm to keep people away so she canbrood. She wears her white chef jacket and hat, to remember the old times. Her color is white.

Mr. Argyle:

Nerdy, mommas boy, and socially awkward, Argyle fails at everything except for book smarts.His numerous phobias and allergies only strengthened his bond with his mother, the only person

he could talk to. It may be that most of his ailments were set upon him forcefully by his motherto keep him at home. Finally breaking out, Argyle is attempting to live on his own and form a

spine, but he is only gaining more phobias from the world. He wears sweater-vests, andcorduroys, to match his thick glasses and mussy hair. His color is green.

Mr. Dusty Nook:

Butler to the astounding Mr. Cadaver, Nook never enjoyed his position. Through the years, hisanger stewed to the point of snapping, at which he invited all of the guests, random people with

violent or saddening or powerful backgrounds together to off his boss. Of course, nothing worksout, as Nook is never quite able to control his guests, or life matters, and takes refuge in fixing

mistakes, and then making more for others to trip over so he can input some happiness into hisotherwise empty and useless existence. He wears a typical white and black butler uniform. He

has no color.

The set is not necessarily anything special, as it is clearly shown in the writing. They start strong,but then fall into basic summaries. The most important scenes take place in the mansion,

particularly a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen. There is a hallway of doors, as well ascharacter specific living rooms, a diner, and backyard. Simple, with backdrops that can fall apart

easily. Phones, crashes, and a bell are necessary sounds.


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Scenes of the First: Meeting the Characters

Scene 1: Ms. S. Harlot

The Scene: A fancy living area adorned with lush curtains on the tall window at the rear, amahogany bar closing off the left side, filled with tipped glasses and nearly emptied bottles ofliquor. The right side holds a large face mirror on the wall over an end table draped in red to

match everything else. The focal point of the room is the scarlet red faint sofa. Or chaise. Simple,yet refined, save the alcohol scattered about.

(The scene opens withMs. S. Harlotin her living room, silently sipping a cup of tea, curled uponher scarlet faint sofa. She looks rather frumpy in her pajamas as she stares into oblivion, since

nothing happens to movie characters when they arent in a movie at the time)Harlot: This is the day when I can relax. Take a break from the men, jazz, and liquor and reclaim

my girlhood. (Stands and faces her mirror to the right) Im a strong woman. (Staresreally hard at her reflection, challenging it) Oh, hell. (Slumps back onto her sofa) Ill go

to the bar.(EnterMan-Slave with the mail)

Man-Slave: (Has a really bad Spanish accent and sways around like a gay drunkard) Ms. S.Harlot! Ive got your mail for you!

Harlot: Oh, dandy! I couldnt be happier if you were a giggling bottle of rose-soaked gin! Sinceyoure here, I have a question. If you were a sexy young woman, in the eve of your prime,

and you were going out for a night on the town, would you wear a bra?MS: Oh, Ms. Harlot! Id not only wear one, Id pop on a second at your age!

Harlot: Have you found my scotch collection?MS: HAHA! Nomaybeyes.

Harlot: Oho, what asweetheart. Ill just let my womanly assets fend for themselves, withoutyour advice. (Starts to leave the room)

MS: Wait! Ms. Harlot! Youve got mail!Harlot: (Turns back to him) Oh, of course. Throw out the declarations of love, burn the

threatening notes from angry wives, andsend the usual little dabbles to the bill people.Ill powder my nether-regions later for the interviews.

MS: But heres one from your doctor. The results are in, andHarlot: (Heavily interested) And?

MS: The results are in, andHarlot: I know the results are in, and you keep saying that, and I keep asking. What is it?

MS: The results are in, andHarlot: Out with it, you swiveling sweater monkey!

MS: Well, lets put it this way. Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?Harlot: Lobsters? What? HmmI dont know.

MS: Crabs on your organ! HAH!Harlot: Crabs on your! HAH! Ohwait. Damn. Mother always said that taxi drivers should

never be trusted.MS: And there was this thing, (Stares off longingly) clinging like a young leaf on the endless tree

of age, yelping and calling out to me. Help! Youre still manly on the inside! Keep it up,and help me! I am but


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Harlot: Yes, yes. Get on with it!MS: This was on your mail box. (Hands over the final envelope)

Harlot: Whats this? Its old and decrepit.MS: Yes, but what are you holding? HAHA!

Harlot: (Motions him off) Away with you. Godrink some more.

(He leaves, traipsing along absently)Harlot: Bebedora (Heavy drinker in Spanish, I believe) (Opens letter and reads aloud) DearestMs. S. Harlot: You have been a naughty girl. Why not further your salacious conquest by

attending the friendly get-together at Mr. Cadavers rustic mansion? There is absolutelyno secondary reason for you to come along, but since youll be there, bring an assortment

of weaponry. Just in case. Just kidding. But seriously, be armed. Your forever indebtedmail-sender, Mr. Dusty Nook, butler to Mr. Cadaver.

(Lowers letter, chuckles to herself.Man-Slave drifts about in the background)MS: (Whispering continuously) Dont godont go.

Harlot: Im very much intrigued, yet something is bothering me. Its as if some outside source istelling me not to go. But I was invitedafter all, I am a salacious woman, as stated. And

I do love mansionshmm?MS: Fine then. Dont listen to me. Skip the clubs and go to some strangers mansion. Whatever.

Harlot: What a great idea I just had with no outside help! Maybe Ill skip the clubs and go tosome strangers mansion of whom Ive never heard! Wow. I come with great things when

Im not drinking.(Harlotleaves the room, enlightened and whatnot, excited and packing)

MS: Tramp. (Sighs and heads for the liquor cabinet)


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Scene 2: Mr. Jo and Bo Peach

The Scene: A classic metro fifties diner. Teal and white checkered floor, metal tables with tealbooths. Large open windows over each table, staring off into a boring building, like a bank. The

boys are near the far end of the restaurant, away from the door.

(The two men are at a diner on the same morning of the previous scene.J

o Peach is seated onthe left, nearer the door,Bo Peach sits opposite, obviously. They may have coffee mugs fordramatic effect.)

Jo: I just dont see why I named after a classic opera singer. Shesa woman.Bo: And youre not.

Jo: Exactly.Bo: I thought you were named after Jos Famous Pizza.

Jo: No! Id gladly take Jo Stafford over Jos Famous Pizza.Bo: Its good pizza.

Jo: Im not arguing that, but Im named after a woman either way.Bo: Whats wrong with having a feminine name?

Jo: Nothing, I guess.(Slump)Bo: (Sigh) Why do you get so worked up over simple matters like me, your younger identical

twin brother, having a manlier name than you? Its nothing abnormal. Think of othertwinslike Thelma and Louise.

Jo: Those werent twins, nor were they males.Bo: Welltheres nothing wrong with your name. So get over it.

Jo: You know, youre right. (Stands sometime during this) I should just stand tall and shout tothe world, that I am named after a woman, but it doesnt bother me, because I am a man,

I love women, and.Bo: But it does bother you.

Jo: Thanks. (Sits) I was on a roll with that one.Bo: Sorry.

Jo: Fine.Bo: How can we cheer up this moment?

Jo: I brought our mail. Maybe well win something.Bo: Or a family member died.

Jo: Great. (Removes slight stack of mail from his jacket)Bo: Hey! Mail!

Jo: (Sorts through stack, throwing each, save the last) Bill, bill, bill, student paper, raccoonhunting license, billwhats this? (Holds up final envelope, a simple, large envelope)

Bo: It looks fancy.Jo: Yeah! (Tears it open and reads aloud) Dear Mr. Peach: Youve been a smart boy. However,

it seems there are slight problems regarding something in your life. To continue our questfor knowledge, arrive at the rustic mansion of Mr. Cadaver for a party. This is the reason,

and there is not a hidden agenda. At all. Alas, you may want to bring protection. In caseof fire. Or a stabbing. Not your servant, but Mr. Cadavers, Mr. Dusty Nook.

Bo: Wow. Whatll we wear?Jo: We?

Bo: Yes. We. There are two of us.


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Jo: But the invitation only mentions one of us. (Lays the invitation on the table and points at thewords) Mr. Peach. Mister. Not Sirs. Mister.

Bo: But since were identical twins, (pushes up glasses as Jo Peach fusses with hair) one Mr.means two.

Jo: No. Im the one that read the letter, so the letter means me.

Bo: Thats not fair. If I had read the letter, than Id be the one mentioned.Jo: But you didnt. It was I who read the letter, as you did nothing.Bo: I would have helped!

Jo: No. Me. My time. Mine. Alone.Bo: If this is formal affair, theyll want the sexier twin anyway.

Jo: We are identical. (Fusses with hair asBo Peach pushes glasses)No differences between us.At all.

Bo: We are identical.Jo: Exactly, and Im going to this party to finally realize myself.

Bo: We can pull a switching rouse!Jo: What?

Bo: We used to do this all the time when we were kids. Remember when we switched for sevenyears and no one knew the difference?

Jo: Our mother wasnt sane. Thats why she was taken away when we were ten.Bo: Yeah, but seven years before that, we were each other, right?

Jo: Yes. But who says we can do that now?Bo: Have you been paying attention? Were identical (pushes up glasses as Jo Peach fusses with

hair) twin brothers. Nothing can stop us.Jo: You do have a pointbut.

Bo: What now?Jo: I get to start off the evening.

Bo: What?(Stare down ensues. They have a staring contest for a while, eyebrow movement and allJo

wins)Bo: Fine.

Jo: Ha!Bo: But I get to come in if there is anything exciting happening.

Jo: Whatever.Bo: Stupid twin.


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Scene 3: Mrs. Giblet

The Scene: Outdoors, in he back of a simple Georgian style home. Everything is set for a niceleisurely sunbath, with white reclining yard chairs (three of them) and a table twixt that latter

two, set before a manmade pond with a fish, or nothing, inside. Green grass and lots of sun, little

foliage overall.(Mrs. Gibletsits in the middle chair, basking with the sun and protecting her face in a large sunhat. Shes wearing a swimsuit of sorts, and her arm is delicately patting her dog, Gravy, which

rests on the chair next to hers. The third remains empty)Giblet: Woo, Gravy! This sun is baking me like a fresh serving of alligator pie! That seems right

now, eh, Gravy? Mmmmaybe we should get the neighborhood boys to kill us a gatorfor supper tonight. Youd like that, wouldnt you, Gravy? What a dog.

(From the house behind her, a plump yet pretty helper arrives holding mail and a plate of vittles.She/he is dressed in a bathrobe covering a skimpy bikini or whatever)

Louise: Good day, maam. Ive brought you cookies and the mail that was just laying about allover the lawn. (She takes her place on the third chair after removing her robe and

placing the plate on the table between the two chairs) Woo, Gravy! This sun is bakingme like the oven bakes a fresh serving of canary baked ice cream on curdled pie!

Giblet: Weve already been over that, Louise. I alluded to alligator pie, instead.Louise: That is a scrumptious dish. Give me a cookie, will you, maam?

Giblet: Why cant you reach your hand over to the tray? Im getting my much needed sun.Louise: But theyre closer to you, maam.

Giblet: You brought them. Maybe you should have placed them closer to you then?Louise: Just give me a cookie.

Giblet: I dont know if youre deserving of a cookie, Louise. What have you done for merecently?

Louise: I brought you cookies.Giblet: I never asked for cookies. Gravy doesnt want cookies, do you Gravy?

Louise: But theyre almond and mosquito!Giblet: Mmmthats a fine cookie. Fine. Here. (Reaches over sightless to give a cookie to

Louise, but knocks the plate over instead. They remain clueless) Take it.Louise: (Not making any motion to take the cookie) I cant reach it.

Giblet: Damn it, you get off that chair and take this cookie. Im in the peak hours of my sunexposure.

Louise: Fine, fine. (Hoists up and grabs the cookie, stepping all over the ones on the ground) Nice cookies.

Giblet: Im sure they are.Louise: Yeah.

Giblet: Yep.Louise: Yeah.

Giblet: Yep.Louise: May I ask a question?

Giblet: Yeah.Louise: Why were your letters thrown about the lawn like that earlier?

Giblet: Simple, really. I was pruning my bush out front when my ex-husband walked by. So, likeany normal southerner would have done, I threw the shears at him and ran to my porch to


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throw some more. The mail was there, and paper cuts can be pretty nasty. So I threw that,too.

Louise: They sure can be.Giblet: And with lemon juice stuck in there, pain can increase endlessly!

Louise: Oh, yes it can, maam.

Giblet: Anyway, he left, probably to get stitches like a little baby, and I got my sun.Louise: Oh, yes.Giblet: Speaking about paper cuts, would you mind opening all those letters for me, Louise?

Louise: You know theres nothing I like more than knowing about every elses lives, since I havenone of my own. Id be delighted.

Giblet: Aint that the truth.Louise: All I do is bake and play footsy with myself over dinner.

Giblet: Gravy, get me a cookie, will you?(The dog rushes down and gives his owner a cookie from the ground)

Giblet: This is a dandy taste of mosquito and hickory smoked almonds! Great addition to mypalette.

Louise: (Opening letters and reading) I love you, Mrs. Giblet. Id be happy to fetch anythingyou want, even the biggest and meanest alligator in the swamp. As long as when I deliver

it, you give me that show I got back in middle school when I was delivering chocolates.You make me so Oh my.

Giblet: You can skip that one, Louise.Louise: Its from Judd. How is that boy?

Giblet: Oh, Cousin Judds in high school now.Louise: About time he passed those tests.

Giblet: Fourth times a charm in our family.Louise: Heres a letter from a Dusty Nook.

Giblet: Never heard of her.Louise: I think its a man, based upon the handwriting.

Giblet: He can write!? Give it here!Louise: Fine! Give me a cookie.

Giblet: Gravy! Get a cookie.(Gravy rushes to the ground and bites another cookie for the woman as Gibletreads her letter)

Giblet: It says that Ive been invited to a get-together at a mansion!Louise: A mansion?

Giblet: A mansion!Louise: Anything else?

Giblet: Im sure there is, but I cant read it!Louise: Youre going to be rich, maam!

Giblet: Louise, get the hose! Were having a barbeque!Louise: Ill get the toads, too! (Runs off on her fetch quest)

Giblet: Mr. Cadaver, huh? Sounds like a tasty proposition. Hell, I can marry again, cant I? Hey,Gravy! Wear your bowtie tonight, cause Im leaving for my wedding tomorrow!


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Scene 4: Marshall Mallow

The Scene: A study, filled with files and folders scattered about in an orderly fashion. The desk isthe center of the room, with matching chair and piles of folders on war and whatnot. Dimly lit by

as desk lamp, very bookish

(Marshall Mallow is behind his desk, chasing a fly. He slowly rises above the desks top,searching with his eyes. His arm rises with the fly swatter and smashes down on random files.The fly escaped)

Mallow: You are indeed a keen adversary. But I am smarter. I have everything in my arsenal todefeat you. I can hold nothing back. (Stands tall and jumps to his right, swinging the

swatter in front of him) Oh-ho! Sly one, you are! Again! I can defeat you without eventrying! (Jumps forward with a rapier swat) You are mine, enemy! (Hits everything

around him)(From the side of the room, a small child enters, holding a platter and mail)

Child: Hello, sir. Sorry to disturb you, but Ive brought a little something for you.Mallow: Splendid! Let me kill the enemy legions and Ill be with you shortly.

Child: I dont see anything.Mallow: Its a crafty enemy. Like a ninja, swift and shadowy. It leaps from surface to surface,

mocking me.Child: Sir, Im afraid I cant hold this food much longer. Ill put it on the desk. (Fully enters,

laying the platter on the desk) Its your favourite dishes, made by me and mommy.Mallow: (Looking at the child for the first time) Favourite, eh? (Swats at nothing as he takes his

seat behind the desk) Marvelous!Child: I thought youd like this.

Mallow: Indeed. (Stares at the child, hard) How much do you weight?Child: Im a little small for my age, sir, but Ill get bigger and become a great officer!

Mallow: No, no. Not that. This adversary could be trumped by your petite frame.Child: The ninja fly?

Mallow: The enemy! Pet-names only make it harder to kill. May I lift you?Child: What are you planning? (Backs away from the desk)

Mallow: (Stands and advances toward the child) Oh, youll be finethink of what honor it willbe to your family, little child! Falling in the line of duty is honorable in every battle!

Child: Im not ready to die!Mallow: Who said you would? (Grabs the child and swings him about a bit, but not menacingly)

Child: AAGH!Mallow: Haha! You dirty ninja fly! Take this! (Swing) And this! (Swing) Haha!

(The sound of the child being thrown away and a victorious chuckle fromMallow is heard fromthe closed door, or a cut to the penguin statue)

Mallow: Whoops. Ahwhats this? (Takes the letter from child) Why, this looks very official. (Rips it open, then into tiny pieces. As he flutters about them, picking up random

words) Ah! The home of Mr. Cadaver is under attack by wild pirate monkeys fromSomalia! Those Somalians.I must save this...Dusty Nook from sheer peril! PERIL!

(Jumps up and scatters the papers about again) Oh! Cheese pockets! (Runs off, withoutthe dying child)


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Scene 5: Ms. Ebony Flo

The Scene: A kitchen, where there are bowls and such nonsense. Preference lies with an island,or just accessible counter.

(Ebony Flo is hastily stirring a bowl of brownie mix, occasionally stopping to stare at it hard

enough to move the whisk with her mind. The scene goes on)Flo: Nothings better than my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmothersrecipe of(air quotes) special brownies. Theyre just so moist, delicious, andsaucy!

They make me want to dance! I know! Time for the self-stirring rain dance! (Jumps awayfrom the counter and begins her dance, which is basically a bunch of arm waves toward

the bowl while skipping in place) StirstirSTIR!(Nothing happens while she stares at the bowl for a while)

Flo: Now that I think about itI dont even know the recipe. In factI used a pre-made mix.After all, I did already have brownies made in case these were duds(Removes a tray of

brownies, ala Martha Stewart) Ill make them my own! Ive got magic!(Does her dance againto no avail)

Flo: Hmmlets see. Right now I have the mix, eggs, and oil. And water. Hey! Im wateraffiliated! Like when I was outside, in the rain. I got wet. It made me feel, sowet and

bewitching. That might be due to the fact that I am a witch! Ha! Oh, bowl, you alwayslisten to me, intently.

(Flo begins to prance about the room, gathering items from around the place)Flo: What to add? What to add? Magic and love, and maybe even a dash of great-great-great

great-great-great-great-great grandmother herself! Ill go get the urn! (Rushes off)(The bowl begins to stir, slowly turning and moving mysteriously. Then Ebony Flo returns)

Flo: I couldnt find you, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother, but I didfind(Reveals a bunch of hair clippings and lint) It smells just like you, just without the

moth balls. Oh, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmotheryou werealways so close to me. Well, in spirit, anyway.

(Ebony Flo turns and opens the refrigerator where there is a picture of her grandmother, whohappens to be Carol Channing)

Flo: Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother! We look so much alike! (Turnsher face next to the picture and mimics the scary face for the camera) Granny, what

should I add to your(air quotes) special brownies? What? (Holds picture close to herears) Really? Fire? Im not sure about that, granny. Oh! Do you really think so? That

does make sense, after all. Okay, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-greatgrandmother. I can listen and respect you, because I have the uncanny ability to converse

with those that have passed! Like Ricky Martin! Ah!(Ebony Flostarts running madly around, taking anything and shoving it into a bowl, such as

pens, spaghetti, beans, peas, butter, gasoline, diapers, anything able to be found)Flo: Something isnt right. (Looks at paper next to bowl) Maybemaybe we do need paper,

great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother. This formal, obviouslyimportant life-changing letter should suffice, no? (Shoves the letter in the bowl, then

starts having a psychic seizure) Wait! This letter is pivotal! I can sense it, as if my fingerswere touching it, or my eyes were scanning itthis is a letter. With words on it. That

make sentences. Which tell me things. Things that are important enough to be in a lettercomprised of letters. Lets open it. Now. Or now. Now. (Finally removes her hands from


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the mix and reads the letter silently, saying random words aloud) DustyCadaverbringllamaporchit is your dutyhehe, duty! DOOTY!

(Coughs politely and continues reading, then suddenly seizes up and yells) Oh my! Ivegot to set this baby on fire and then head out, Granny! I have to help Mr. Cadaver cross

over! Weve got to meet on the sessle! And thenmaybe. Just maybe, Ill get my very

own television program: Just Go With The Flow, the Ebony Flo. Doo doo de da doo doode da at tit a(Her theme song for the program) I have to go now! (Rushes out of thehouse, then reappears to light the brownie mix aflame, or not. Runs out again, end scene)


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Scene 6: Red Herring

The Scene: A jail cell. There are barsits dingy. Theres a smelly toilet. The works.(Red Herringis relaxing on his dingy cot in the corner, being a nice inmate, since they know him

around here. The Official Prison Letter Carrier walks in from the hall, looking in on the inmates

cells. He stops atHerrings and begins the scene)Official Prison Letter Carrier: Hey, Red. I got a letter for you. It looks important.Red: Oh yeah? (Not looking up from staring at his shoes) How does it smell?

OPLC: Smell? I dont knowpaper, I guess.Red: Why dont you smell it?

OPLC: Why would I want to smell your mail?Red: Maybe its something you arent used to. New things can only excite a mail carriers day.

OPLC: I guess youre right. (Sniffs the letter. Hard)Red: (Rising from his cot and walking toward the bars) So?

OPLC: So what?Red: How does it smell?

OPLC: Well, actually, it had a faint fragrance of rose petals wafting in the breeze, caught by awisp of fresh air cradled by the sun.

Red: Really?OPLC: And I felt young again just by scenting that paper. It lifts me up and over.

Red: How interesting.OPLC: Well, I guess youll want your mail, then.

Red: No rush.OPLC: Well, I guess youll want your mail, then.

Red: Really. No rush.OPLC: WellwellI guessyoull wantyour mail, then.

Red: Damn it! Fine! Give me the mail!(The Official Prison Mail Carrier slides the mail through the slats and waits, with his paw

extended)Red: (Picking up mail) Thanks. (Stares at him) And youre not going, why?

OPLC: It was pretty tough work getting the mailand bringing it here. (Pushes hand in further) Something to bring home to the misses would be nice.

Red: (Dropping mail) You want a tip?OPLC: I never said anything of the sort. (Extending hand even further)

Red: But thats what youre implying. You want a tip.OPLC: (Shoves finger in Reds face, hushing him)No, no, no.

Red: (Slams the hand away) Guess what? Im in prison. Go away.OPLC: Fine. (Takes hand back) But arent you going to smell it?

Red: Smell what? Your hand? No. I dont know where its been. Honestly, what do you peopledo off-shift?

OPLC: None of your concern.Red: Just because youre a freak and sniff mail doesnt mean I do, too.

OPLC: Hey! (Points) Okay.Red: Fine. (Picks up mail and raises it to his nostrils. He inhales)

OPLC: Well?Red: It smells like paper.


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OPLC: You have no imagination.Red: Do I get a tip, too?

OPLC: I havent gotten one.Red: Maybe if I read the mail and like it, Ill give you something.

OPLC: Really? It isnt anything gross like last time, is it?

Red: How often do you think a man has a movement that strong? Huh?OPLC: Good point. No ones that fiber enthused.Red: Okay then. (Rips open letter and reads) Dear Mr. Redblah,

blahmansionblahCadavers, Nooks, and violence? This sounds nice. I guess Imgoing on vacation, bub.

OPLC: But youre in prison.Red: Right. (Tosses mail over shoulder and wags his finger at OPLC) Why dont I get my

changefrom the cot. Where I hide it. The change. Not a lead pipe.OPLC: Oh, goody! (Jumps up and down, then clears throat)

Red: Of course, youre going to have to open this door to get it.OPLC: Of course. Wait. Why should I have to go inside when we can transfer between the

opening here? They are bars.Red: Its practical. The door may need oiling, which youll only find out of you open it.

OPLC: Of course. ButI have no keys.Red: Maybe you should rectify that, or else you dont get(Removes nickel from cot) This!

OPLC: Ohshiny! Nickel! Me want! (Looks around nervously) Ill get them.(A man with shiny keys waltzes by, and OPLC elbows him in the face and drop kicks him, then

rises and opens the cell door and walks in)OPLC: Sohow about that nickel, right?

Red: Right. (Removes lead pipe or bat or golf club and slams it over OPLC)OPLC: Pain! PAIN!

Red: Heres your nickel. (Flips nickel over his shoulder and walks out with the club, whistling)


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Scene 7: Ms. Blanc-Mange

The Scene: A cramped living space with a huge, plush recliner and surrounded by random stacksof food magazines, plates and saucers, food items, etc.

(Blan-Mange is sitting in the recliner, a bowl of chips on her lap. She looks very upset and

unkempt, lazily shoving food near her mouth. Shes watching a food network on television)Voice: (From TV) With only a little bit of effort, we can create five-foot tall fudge monsters

filled with creamy elephant truffles adorned with turkey-flavoured icing creating a

cheerful expression on their smooth, chocolately faces. And this easy-to-make fudgemonster can be used to distract your kids while you waste away in your kitchen trying to

perfect your great-grandmothers recipe for the nine-thousandth time, drinking all thebottles of rum you were saving for Christmas cooking. But we all know that will never

happen, now dont we? After all, I just made a five-foot tall fudge monster, and yourejust sitting there. Probably eating. Oho!

Blanc: I could make that.Voice: You realize that chips are in no way related to a five-foot tall fudge monsters.

Blanc: That may be so, but I have more skill in my dwarfed pinky than you have in your entireskull.

Voice: And now, youre probably thinking something like I have more skill in my dwarfedpinky than you have in your entire skull, or some such nonsense. Well, in fact, you dont.

Youre probably a dried up nobody that lost their career because of anger and the French.Blanc: French? FRENCH!? FRENCH! (Rises, dropping the bowl, then throwing some at the tv)

Voice: Speaking of French over your probable crazy yelling, we have a guest on our show today!The French Ambassador, straight from France, has decided to grace us with his French

presence to show us how to make low-extra fat lard balls! Wow! This will be exciting!Blanc: The French Ambassador? As in the ambassador from France?

Voice: You might be asking yourself, THE Ambassador of France? Well, yes, it is!(Fake clapping comes from the television and the voice of the French ambassador wafts in)

French: I am French. That means Im from France.Voice: Wow! Thats amazing!

Blanc: This is not amazing in any sense! That ambassador should be dead! DEAD!French: You may be thinking, Oh! The French Ambassador! I thought he was dead! Well,

nothing could be further from the truth. Im not.Voice: Hes not.

Blanc: Hes not. What happened to me those many years ago? I was on top of the world! Amaster chef in America, and thus sent off to Europe to meet the cooking elite. But that

ambassador from FranceHe was soFrench! Nothing but French this and French that!And the accent! (Shakes hand in Italian style) Je suis la croissant! What does that even

mean? Stupid! STUPID, FILTHY FRENCH!Voice: So what happened to you that you were out of commission for so long? We missed those

funny French things you did while Frenchly cooking French things while not in France,where they speak French, and have French things.

French: Well, a couple years ago, a wonderful American chef was sent to Europe to meet thecooking elite, myself being one of them. Well.

Voice: Hold it. Well be back after these messages!French: In the middle of my French sentence?


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Scene 8: Mr. Argyle

The Scene: A quaint living quarter for a quaint man. Freakishly tidy and cramped at the sametime, with meticulous piles of nothing.

(Argyle is curled on the armchair by the end table holding the phone. Argyle holds the phone to

his ear, as if he were talking into it, such as a phone conversation. His mother is on the otherend)Argyle: Im glad that you agreed to receive my mail for me.

Mother: (Voice is heard, not seen, as it is a phone) Honey, I know you are.Argyle: So many diseases carry over through contact with paper.

Mother: Yes, yes. Thats why Im getting your mail forwarded to me, just in case.Argyle: You havent gotten any deadly diseases, yet, have you?

Mother: Oh, no. But theres still time, if there is a God.Argyle: Id be saddened if you got a letter addressed to me filled to the brim with Anthrax.

Mother: Dont worry about it. It would be a godsend.Argyle: Im glad youre so calm about this.

Mother: Whats not to be calm about? Youve opened up another opportunity for me to end thisheinous life Ive been living for much too long. If you only knew the many times I tried

to end it when you were a child. Thinking back, do you remember when we went to thecircus?

Argyle: Oh, yes! And you ran into the tiger den, strapped yourself with meat and began to hit thetigers with your purse. What was in that purse?

Mother: More meat. And bricks.Argyle: Oh, yes. I wonder what happened to that purse.

Mother: It was mauled and eaten. Amazingly, they never even scratched me in their flails againstthat bag.

Argyle: You always did try to entertain me as a child.Mother: Dont forget that same day when I stuck my head under an elephants massive foot.

Argyle: And you were screaming something like, Splay my brains on this peanut-infestedground! It can mesh with the slabs of dung splayed about, since that would be a better

environment than home!Mother: I did say thatright.

Argyle: And at the last moment, the elephant raised its foot above your skull and posed. Thatswhen he acrobatics flew onto the elephants back and began the show! And what a show

it was.Mother: Indeed. What a show.

Argyle: But how are you, Mother?Mother: Oh, I was going to take a bath with the toaster again, but then you called.

Argyle: You know about my Ablutophobia!Mother: Rightthat fear of bathing or washing. How do you overcome that, son?

Argyle: I have my methods. But please, dont mention your unmentionables around me!Mother: Of course. No bathing

Argyle: Ablutophobia.Mother: No breathing

Argyle: Aerophobia.Mother: No flowers


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Argyle: Anthrophobia.Mother: No.

Argyle: Please Mother! Im so frightened!Mother: Right.Son, you have got to get over these stupid fears.

Argyle: Im trying.

Mother: How?Argyle: Recently, I was able to put the toilet seat up to pee!Mother: Okay.

Argyle: Thats a huge step, Mother! Huge!Mother: Dont you mean colossally and enormously gigantic?

Argyle: Mother! You know my fear of moderately long words!Mother: Oh, yes. What was that called again?

Argyle: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.Mother: Of course.

Argyle: That was frightening just to say.Mother: Mm-hmm.

Argyle: And now the nature of my call.Mother: Yes, the oven is getting quite warm by now.

Argyle: Oh, are you baking?Mother: Not quite. I plan to stick my head in after all this rubbish.

Argyle: Sounds fancy.Mother: Indeed. But why did you call, dear?

Argyle: My mail. Was there anything of import today?Mother: Well, actually, there seems to be a spectacular invitation for you!

Argyle: Dont you think spectacular is a rather long adjective?Mother: Its fine, dear.

Argyle: Well read it, then. But be wary of the dreadful paper cut.Mother: Of course. Butcher knives work much better in that regard.

Argyle: Well? Whats it say?Mother: You are cordially invited to the rustic Cadaver mansion. Your incessant ability to be

worried about everything and scared of all things has netted you as the entertainment forthe night. And by that, I definitely do not mean that the other guests and I will laugh at

you. We may simply laugh at your situation, or use you as a distraction while I crushCadavers skull like the cockroach that he is. Forever your writer of letters, Dusty Nook.

Sounds like a nice fellow. Is he married?Argyle: I cant marry a man!

Mother: Well, I say marry any human thats rich, Jewish, or a doctor.Argyle: When is it?

Mother: Your wedding day? Ill assume never.Argyle: No! The party!

Mother: I suppose its a good thing, because your children would be worse than you.Argyle: Thats all well and good, Mother, but the party?

Mother: It simply states that you will know when the party is, since you were invited. Cordially.Argyle: Of course! Its the day when I leave the house and go to a party! Why didnt I think of

that sooner?


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Mother: Well, darling, I have to go. I still may have ample opportunity to set the kitchen drapeson fire and accidentally fall on some knives.

Argyle: Fare well, Mother. Keep that sense of humour fresh!Mother: I hate you, son.

Argyle: Love you, too, Mom. (Hangs up) Yay! A party!


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Act of the Second: In the Mansion

Scene 9: The Guests Arrive

The Scene: A front door. Not too lavish, but definitely not just a front door. Everything is nice,there should be bushes off to the sides for ambience and everything.(Harlotwalks up to the door and readies herself to knock when Argyle appears behind her)

Argyle: I can help you with that.Harlot: No. Im sure I can figure it out. I just press this button and people come to welcome me.

Argyle: Yes. In fact, the compression of the button creates a wave of fractal turbine matrix thatdispels the local gravity inside to alert the occupants of 150 CCs of guest luggage.

Harlot: Oh. Where did you learn that? Your mother?Argyle: Why would you say that?

Harlot: Based upon your clothes, voice, and poor eyesight, I can tell that you live with yourmother and that she probably still bathes you, as well as lays out your clothes for the day.

Argyle: Thats simply not true.Harlot: Oh?

Argyle: I moved out well over a week ago, and I havent looked back since.Harlot: Thats good. Im sure both parties are better off. She must have been a stifling woman.

Argyle: Whatever do you mean?Harlot: Well, keeping a handsome man like yourself encased in his own dwellings

Argyle: My mother is a fine person.Harlot: Albeit a sweltering one. Much like an itchy wool sweater from the bargain bin at

the second hand store. Once you put it on, no matter how hard you pull, nasty fibers stillimbed themselves into your flesh. And then what can you do? (Holds her arms out to

him) Here. Let me hold you to keep you away from your evil Mommy. You do havemoney, right?

Argyle: No!Harlot: Wait. (Pushing as far as possible with her arm-reach) Youre a poor man? You have no

luck.Argyle: No! My money isnt the issue here. You cant say bad things about my Mommy!

Harlot: And what can you do about it? Other than cry to said Mommy?Argyle: I cansew.

Harlot: Oh? Thatscute. (Turns back to the door)Argyle: The wrath of Mommy is a horrifying one.

Harlot: You can shut up now while I try to figure out this doorArgyle: (Mumbles to self with clenched fists) My mother is the greatest woman alive.

Harlot: You remind me of that nice fellow from Psycho.Argyle: He was only misunderstood.

Harlot: OhrightIs there anybody else here?(Red Herringruns up, holding a heavy weapon, like a pipe, or bicycle as Argyle hides in the

corner)Harlot: Oh! Goody! (Waltzes up to him with full charm) Would you mind helping me inside?

Red: (Hiding the pipe or bicycle) Id be delighted. (Takes her arm)Harlot: What do you do for a living?


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Red: Im a psychopath.Harlot: Oh? Does that pay well?

Red: Actually, I dont make money. Im busy breaking rocks for the prison.Harlot: Rocksrockslike diamonds!

Red: Sure!

Harlot: What a man!Red: You have boobies.Harlot: Thats right.

(Marshall Mallow comes along in full form, acting brave for the battle ahead)Mallow: What is this here?

Red: (DropsHarlotand steps away with hands raised) Wasnt doing anything, officer.Mallow: Im not an officer. Im a Marshal. The names Marshal Marshall Mallow.

Red: Oh. Retired, I presume?Mallow: I do my own jobs, here and there. I work freelance now.

Harlot: (Recovering from the fall) So you are retired?Mallow: Maybe.

Harlot: (Getting close toMallow) Wellyou must have quite the pension.Mallow: Its nothing to keep alive long enough to get the necessary information, rapping its

skull with a two by four until finally the federals come by and tranquilize you, but yes. Ido.

Harlot: And with money, comes the lady.Red: What about me?

Harlot: Hush, hush. Ive found someone new.Red: Have I mentioned that Im a psychopath?

Harlot: Already met one of those, and hes in the corner.Argyle: I can hear you!

Harlot: No one cares!Argyle: Okay!

Red: (Advancing on Argyle) Hey! Are you hitting on my woman?Argyle: What? Im cowering in the corner!

Red: Good. Because Ive got a huge goose to put into this oven, if you know what I mean.Argyle: Goose?

Red: Huge goose.Harlot: Im no ones woman, freak!

Mallow: Oh, really?Harlot: Except for you. Wellfor the night. Actuallyit depends where you live, with whom,

and how much were talking about.Mallow: Ive got sunshine, on a cloudy day. When its cold outside

Harlot: Ive got the month of May. (Swoons) Thats dreamy.Red: Hey! I got one of those! Roses are red, violets are blue. Honey is sweet, and I killed your

mother.Harlot: It seems to have gone over my head.

Red: Thats not the only thing, honey.Mallow: Ive been wondering why were all standing out here anyway. It seems

ratheroutdoors.Harlot: True.


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Red: True.Mallow: (In sergeant mode) I want efficiency from you people! Why is the door not ajar?

Argyle: We were preoccupied.Mallow: Preoccupied, what?

Argyle: Preoccupiedgoose?

Red: Huge goose.Mallow: NO! Preoccupied, SIR!Argyle: Yes, sir

Red: Sorry, sir.Harlot: Ill call you sir, master or anything you wantfor a fee.

Mallow: Well talk later. Now line up, fools!Harlot: Okay.

(Blanc-Mange enters, with her hat and everything)Red: Fresh meat!

Blanc: I am not fresh meat. If I were any dish, it would clearly be a crisp tartar, with sea greenlettuce adorning smoked filet mignon upon a tray of scalloped cheese.

Harlot: A chef!Blanc: An ex-chef.

Mallow: Back in line, worms!Harlot: Say, how much have you stocked up in earnings?

Blanc: Chef Blanc-Mange has anything you could desire, Miss.Harlot: That sounds wonderful. Would you mind repeating it in French?

Blanc: French? French! FRENCH!Harlot: I meant Portuguese! Yeah! Theyre so similar, I forgot!

Blanc: I hate the French!Red: Oh, youre going down, woman.

Blanc: AAH! (Scurries about, screaming about the French until she collapses on the door, and itopens)

Harlot: Ill just be going. (Steps over the body and enters)Red: Old man. Stay away from my girl.

Mallow: Its clear that she enjoys the dignified stare of my eye. (Eye-staring contest)Argyle: That harlot.

Mallow: What?Argyle: She pushes herself on me, then on any man that passes by in succession.

Red: Well then. Lets go see who she thinks is the alpha male.Mallow: I have more testosterone in me than a female puma.

Red: Yeah. Well see. (Steps over the body and enters)Argyle: Pumas are arguably the most ferocious of all cats.

Mallow: Hey there! Would you like to be my officer?Argyle: (Stands tall) Id be honored, sir! What does the job entail?

Mallow: Well, you get nothing out of it, and I get my paperwork done!Argyle: Sounds dreamy!

Mallow: Ill teach you the stealthy art of war, as well as how to make my grilled cheesesandwich.

(Both step over the body and enter. They turn back and dragBlanc-Mange inside)


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Scene 10: Enter Giblet and Gravy

The Scene: Living space, simple and refined, with plenty of seating and no windows

(All men that have arrived cluster aroundHarlot, who perches herself on a sofa, soaking in their

lust.Blanc-Mange is sulking in a corner)Mallow: Ive got a poolthough I bombed it yesterdayrefugees had taken over.Harlot: Hush.

Argyle: Im allergic to fake fur.Harlot: Silence.

Red: I killed a man with my tongue.Harlot: Hold that thought for later.

Blanc: I hate the French.Harlot: Everyone just shut up and revel in my beauty.

(Off-stage, an obnoxious knock is heard at door, andDusty Nookanswers the call. The voices ofMrs. GibletandDusty Nookcarry through to the den)

Giblet: I see were alone.Nook: Excuse me?

Giblet: Shush. Im here now. We can go upstairs and flee to Vegas in the morning.Nook: Im just the hired help.

Giblet: Oh. Is that your front?Nook: I work here. Im the butler.

Giblet: You can be frank with me. I can take anything, even those dang crocs.Nook: Who do you think I am?

Giblet: Obviously youre the goof who sent me this love letter pledging your never-endingadoration of my Southern charm and asking me to marry you. Look. Right here. Mr.

Cadaver. Thats you. So let me ride you like my pony!(Commotion is heard, as if someone is climbing on someone else, or trying to. The reactions of

the guests we can see is funny)Nook: Stop it! I am not a pony, nor am I Mr. Cadaver! Thats my master!

Giblet: What? Thats thicker than Gravys Thursday bowel movement!Nook: What?

Giblet: This is Gravy. Hes my mutt. And we feed him biscuits and jellyfish and spider venom.The usual Southern delicacies. Well, it clogs his poor puppy poo trail, and come

Thursday, his movements are slower than my third husbands grasp of communication.Or bed manner.

Nook: Thats great.Giblet: And when I try to scoop it out, my hand sometimes gets stuck in crevasses of mashed

corn or gator sphincter. He eats those whole now. Hes such a good boy! Yes you are!Ohhe likes you!

Nook: Wowokay. Could we remove him from my leg?Giblet: Let him have his fun! He hasnt had this much gyration since Lucky the Leprechaun

stopped by the house for Easter! Now that was a story that midget could tell his family.Nook: No! Get off! Nyargh!

Giblet: Hey! Even if you are my ninth husband to be, I will not let you handle my baby that way!Nook: Ouch!


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(More commotion, as if someone were fiercely beating someone else with a purse)Giblet: Stay away from my Gravy!

Nook: Believe me when I say I do not want any of your gravy!Giblet: You dont know what these biscuits can do when smothered with hot, greasy gravy.

Nook: (Repulsed) Ohgod

Giblet: Yesits real. My cousin had a goiter about that size, too. She tried all manner of thingsto make it appear lesscancerous, but it took its place and let the world know that it wasmalignant and happy about it! We always get the kookiest of ailments. Much like the

time--Nook: Shut up! Just shut up!

Giblet: Well. Thats no way to talk to your future bride.Nook: You are not my bride! I am not Mr. Cadaver, and you will leave me alone! Please!

Giblet: I never. This is worse than the time Gravy got lost in my cousins goiter!Nook: Just stop!

(Sounds of a purse over someones head)Nook: What is in that?

Giblet: Bricks.Nook: Gointroduce yourself to the guests.

Giblet: Why didnt you tell me there was company, baby?Nook: Justleave the doorway.

(Gibletenters to the den, announcing her presence with her stuffed dog, Gravy)Giblet: Hi, yall! Im the heiress of this fine estate. Nice to meet you.

Nook: (Off-stage) You have no affiliation with this mansion!Giblet: Thats my husband.

(Everyone stares at her, exchanging glances of fear)Giblet: Oh! Gravy, theyve got mints! (Steals the whole bowl, dipping it into her purse)


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Scene 11: Peaches and Ebony

The Scene: Outside, in front of a door. Bushes on either side of the door for later use)(Jo Peach stands before the door, prepping himself for entry.Bo Peach is reassuring him and

building him up for whatever may occur in the mansion)

Jo: Im not sure if this jacket is too much.Bo: Its not. Its the only thing that we had that was the same.Jo: You dont have one.

Bo: Uh, I did. It was burned in the fire that you started.Jo: Im sorry! Toasters should have more explicit instructions!

Bo: Iron ore is not something that needs toasting.Jo: I was in the middle of an experiment.

Bo: What does a history teacher need to experiment?Jo: I saw it on TV once.

Bo: OhI know what youre talking about! Did it work?Jo: Wellyes and no. After all, there was a fire.

Bo: Thats right. But you look fine. Just knock and be ready to kill em.Jo: Okay. (ShovesBo into the bushes and knocks) Theres only one of us, after all.

Bo: Ow.(Knock goes unanswered)

Bo: (Stands) You could be nicer with this stuff. Maybe a warning, or something?Jo: Theres only one Mr. Peach. What would we do if the door opened and someone saw the two

of us here.Bo: Wed lie.

Jo: We look exactly alike. Identical twins. (Fusses with hair,Bo pushes his glasses)Bo: Good point.

(Ms. Ebony Flo appears behind them)Flo: Hiya! Are you here for the Cadaver gathering? Im assuming Im here to head the sance.

(The men stare at her, probably in slow motion)Flo: Ive always had this uncanny ability to speak with the dead and perform these amazing feats

of magichehe. I said feats! It sounds like feet! Hey! I have feet!Jo: Two of them.

Flo: I know, right?Bo: And theyre pretty.

Flo: Thanks.Jo: So youre here for the Cadaver thing?

Flo: Yeah. My invitation was crisped for my taking. I can make things levitate!Bo: Wow.

Jo: Yeah.Flo: Socan I enter with you? The mansion is sending its deep deadly vibes to me.

Bo: What does that feel like?Flo: Its kind of like a bubble bath with extra bubbles.

Bo: Whoa.Jo: We should get you inside. Its nippy out here, but with you around, everything is a bit

warmer.Bo: (Hits him lightly) Thats stupidly lame.


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Flo: Really? Maybe my heat powers are activating! This is more exciting than the time I shotlasers from my temples!

Bo: Your temples of love?Jo: (Hits back) That was lame. Way lamer than mine.

Bo: Shut up!

Flo: No. Just the regular kind. Up here (Points to head) not here so much. (Points to chest)Jo: Of course. My brother is just stupid.Bo: We practically have the same brain, dip wad.

Jo: But mine isFlo: Getting the girl?

Jo: Hehe.Bo: You suck.

Jo: (Knocks on door and shovesBo into the bush again) Yeah.Flo: Have you ever expelled demons from the body of a three-year-old virgin?

Jo: Why, no I havent.Flo: Its great. It feels likerainbows.

Jo: Thats amazing.Flo: Youre amazing.

Bo: Thats lame.Jo: Shut up!

(The door opens, Jo andFlo enter)Bo: Ouch.


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Scene 12: The Film of Amazement

The Scene: That same living room. Lots of seating and a dearth of windows. Not too pretty, butnot ugly. Fancy enough for an emu collector. There is a television in to the side, with Nook

standing guard.

(All of the guests are seated,D

usty Nooktakes the fore, next to his television.)Nook: You may wonder why you were all called to this mansion.Giblet: I already know. Whoo, Gravy! This man is toying with my heart like an inbred yo-yo!

Nook: Anyway, you strangers were summoned to this mansion for a purpose.Harlot: And that is?

Blanc: Hes getting to that!Nook: Im getting to that!

Red: Hes getting to it.Nook: Everyone, ground rules!

Flo: Your angry veins in your forehead are telling a story. They shape your future.Jo: How very interesting.

Nook: No talking. If anyone talks, Ill.Giblet: What? Whisk us away and make us carry your gifted children?

Nook: No!Flo: I have ESP! Thats a gift worth giving!

Argyle: Mom says that Hallmark cards are where everything good in the world culminates.Nook: No and no! Shut up, all of you!

Blanc: You arent giving us an alternative here.Red: Maybe someone needs to get carvedI can do some prison tattoos, if anybodys interested.

Nook: Maybe later. Right now, we will watch a video.Mallow: It isnt a sad drama, like Bambi, is it? My old heart cant take it.

Argyle: Its okay, sir. Mom always said, Dont play ball in the house.Mallow: Thank you.

Blanc: How is that relevant?Harlot: Its always your mother with you! Grow a pair!

Red: Ive got the mightiest pair of swinging clubs that could take down two elephants.Giblet: I bet youre talking about African elephants. European elephants are much larger and

tend to carry knives.Red: I have a knife.

Nook: Stop! Watch the video.Giblet: When are we getting married?

Nook: Never!Giblet: Its a secret. I get it.

Mallow: War is never a secret.Flo: I thought we were talking about deer

Nook: Video!Mallow: Oh! A movie!

(Nookturns the television on and preps the video. Now, this video is a movie of himself showinga video.)

Nook: (On video) Okay. Now that were all settled, lets watch the video. (Turns on televisionand preps video) Congratulations! Youve been invited to a party! (Puts on party hat and


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blows a horn) Hooray. This is a birthday party for Mr. Cadaver. He has no friends, so thisrandom selection of people across the country was created to make him feel less(The

Nookon the television showing the video says: Loserish?) Precisely. Now. To celebrate,we shall all get weapons and pound them over, under, through, and onto Mr. Cadaver!

Allow me to demonstrate. (A mannequin, or person, is rolled on in a chair asNook

gathers random tools to attack. He hits Cadaver repeatedly with each weapon) Whycant I ever get a raise, huh? You suck! I hate you! You have no friends because youreugly, and you cant even walk without someone giving you money for it! No one likes

you, and your son is not really yours! Die! Die! Die! (He finishes attacking and the bodyis rolled off) With our loving strikes upon his head, Ill get the mansion! I meanwell

have a good time. That is, until you all go to prison for murder! Toodles! Have a goodtime at the party! (The in personNookturns off the television) Any questions?

Flo: Yeah. Whats your shoe size?Argyle: It isnt eight, is it? I have a strict fear of eight. Octophobia. Its the fear of the number

eight.Mallow: Whythat must be the fear of the number eight!

Flo: Dont worry, Im sure he has larger feet than eight. Besides, my great-great-great-greatgreat-great-great-great grandmother has a cure for something as simple as Octophobia.

Argyle: Wait.How many greats? It was eight, wasnt it? Wasnt it? Oh, goodness.Blanc: You people disgust me.

Harlot: Like the French?Blanc: The FRENCH! (Begins screaming and pulling on her hair) AACK!

Giblet: I have a question.Nook: What is it?

Giblet: Whens the wedding date? I need to write it in my calendar, wrapped in broiled snakeskin!

Nook: No.Mallow: When do we eat?

Red: I once ate a man.Mallow: That brings me back to my days in Nam.

Red: I did it all for the nookie.Flo: The nookie?

Red: Yeah.Giblet: Gravy! You take that cookie!

Nook: And shove it up youre a--Argyle: (Jumping up) Armageddon! This is Armageddon!

Jo: Why? Whats worrying you?Argyle: What if we eat peanut butter?

Jo: And?Argyle: Peanut butter is sticky.andand.

Giblet: Peanut butter goes great with gravy, isnt that right, Gravy? Mmmpotato gravy onkoala.

Argyle: Peanut butter could stick to the roof of my mouth!Harlot: And? What now, you wimpy lug nut?

Red: Good one. Lug nuts hold things together, and hes falling apart!Harlot: I am good.


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Red: But Im better. (Attempts to wrap an arm around her)Harlot: Ew. Dont touch me.

Red: Youll pay for taking me lightlyall of you!Harlot: Whatever.

Flo: I can levitate!

Harlot: Good for you! I can defy gravity all day!Flo: Oh.Argyle: But if theres peanut butter, it can stickand I have a phobiaits called

Arachibutyrophobia.Mallow: Being my officer, you must remain strong. We may be kidnapped and forced to down

gallons of human excrement. Thats like peanut butter, and its sticky.Giblet: Sticky like the saliva of my cousins goiter. It turned out to be a twin growing out of her

face.Nook: No.

Flo: I know a set of twins!Jo: No you dont! There are no twins here.

Flo: But what about your.Jo: My

Giblet: Goiter?Jo: Yes! My goiter. Itsnot malignant.

Giblet: Thats good.Flo: Id be able to heal it anyway. Im a witch.

Nook: None of this matters. Everyone, justgo away.Argyle: But the peanut butter!

Nook: There will be no peanut butter!Blanc: How do you know?

Nook: Youre a chef, right?Blanc: Ex-chef.

Nook: Be a dear and fix dinner for all of us, okay? Great, thanks.Blanc: What! This is an outrage!

Red: You cant back out now! You arent French, are you?Blanc: FRENCH! (Another angry spasm)

(Everyone filters out for the next scene)


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Scene 13: The Angry ChefThe Scene: A kitchen, filled with kitchen-y equipment. There are countersother things in a

kitchen. A modern kitchen, with chrome and pretty things, too(Blanc is angrily fussing over preparing something for dinner, casting equipment around like it

is nothing. Argyle enters and hovers around behind, frightened of the temper of the other)

Blanc: (In a rant) Just because my name has a slightly French sound does not make me anythingcloser to a French person. If anything, it sets me apart, because I have a faceand a soulnot drenched in evil and bad accents.

Argyle: Ummhello.Blanc: What are you doing here!? (Turns swiftly with a knife)

Argyle: Youre preparing food for us, right?Blanc: Against my will, but who listens to the retired chef anyway?

Argyle: Why did you retire?Blanc: I tried to poison the French ambassador.

Argyle: Ohoh my.Blanc: You were saying? (Lightly caresses herself, and maybe the company with knife)

Argyle: WellIImhighly.Blanc: Spit it out, man! (Sticks knife atArgyle)

Argyle: Im highlyafraid of knives!Blanc: Oh. Is that all? (Lowers knife) Im just cutting up some vegetables and liver.

Argyle: Whos liver?Blanc: Uncle Richards.

Argyle: AhhhiioBlanc: Relax! Im only teasing you. Its chicken liver.

Argyle: Oh. Thats good.Blanc: Youre a gullible man, Mr. Argyle.

Argyle: One of my fears is being lied to, so I believe everything people say.Blanc: (Evil look) Really?

Argyle: But Im here to enlighten you upon my few allergies. (Removes zillions of dogtags)Blanc: Thats a few?

Argyle: Its only three hundred fifty eight. Thats nothing. You should see my Aunt! Its as if shehas a whole kennel outside, but all the dogs died and decayed, leaving only their tags in

her pocket.Blanc: Really? (Turns around, rolling her eyes)

Argyle: Actually, she had a kennel, and all the dogs died and decayed, leaving their tags.Blanc: Thats nice. Im cooking here, so run along now.

Argyle: I have to tell you about this, or I could die!Blanc: I dont think anybody would miss you.

Argyle: What was that?Blanc: Nothing! Youre a fine boy, so talk away while I ignore you!

Argyle: Thank you so much for listening.Blanc: Uh-huh.yeahokay(Continues in this fashion)

Argyle: Well, I have a strong allergy to walnuts, cashews, peanuts, pine nuts, lug nuts, elephantnuts, really any kind of nut, celery, beans, Yoshi, lettuce, cabbage, carrots, corn, paprika,

cinnamon, salt, love, Ghandi, starvation, ion particles, cheese, milk, any form of yogurt,


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non-human bowel movements, turkey, apple-scented candles, dust, chocolate, animaldander

Blanc: Will you shut up! If you cant eat what I cook, than get away from this kitchen andSTARVE!

Argyle: I justneed you to know. I dont want to die here. Im allergic.

Blanc: (Drops her knife and picks up something like a salt shaker, or a fish and begins to pokemenacingly) You leave this room, and I will cook whatever I want. Then, you will eat it,and fathom how I, the greatest cook in existence, would have to retire just for trying to

kill someone! He was French, for all sake!Argyle: Aaah! Its touching me! (Runs away)

Blanc: Good. (Resumes her work)Giblet: (Entering with Gravy) Whats all this commotion? It sounds like some nice Easter

fireworks.Blanc: Go away.

Giblet: Im sure you were talking to that other guest just then.Blanc: You. In this room. Get out of it.

Giblet: I have every right to be anywhere in my own house.Blanc: While I am cooking, the kitchen is mine!

Giblet: Fine, fine. Just know that this attitude is just like my cousin Finny. Hed be talking backto everyone, and eventually, the single teacher we had for the school threw an eraser at

him.Blanc: And? Did you go away?

Giblet: The eraser had sharp blades embedded in it as well as a bomb. No one knew what killedFinny, though. After the eraser hit, he was all cut up and blown to pieces. Its a mystery

well never solve.Blanc: I have the answer!

Giblet: Yeah?Blanc: Get out.

Giblet: Youre no fun. Hey! Youre cooking! (Gets right behind her and hovers over hershoulder)

Blanc: You are touching me. This makes me angry.Giblet: Youre always angry.

Blanc: You make me that way.Giblet: You know, this empty bowl reminds me of those hot Southern cuisines that Momma used

to make, before she fell in the oven one day before we got home from school. That wassome tasty jerky.

Blanc: I dont care.Giblet: Well, wed have these cactus balls, and wed deep fry them in pigs juices while baking

the intestines and tusks of the pig. After they were all crispy, wed deep fry those as welland then dip them all in a salt truck that happened to pass by. Then, each of us with rocks

in our hands would throw them at our neighbors, who had an entire gator farm. Weloved throwing rocks at those people. That is, until they were discovered dead one night,

covered in bruises. Well never know what happened to those folks, either, I suppose.Blanc: Thats excellent. (Stares hard at woman, angrily chopping with the fish shes still

holding)Giblet: I get the feeling that you dont want me around any more.


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Blanc: (Fuming nostrils!) Get out!Giblet: Come here, Gravy!

(Gibletruns out, and Gravy shoots past her)Blanc: (Surveys room to assure that no one is there) And now we return to Cooking With

Mange! (Simulates a raving audience) Todays show focuses on fish. Fish, fish, fish.

(Holds fish like its walking) Im just a fish! How will I be prepared today? Its excitingbeing a fish, because people get joy out of killing and eating you! Yay! (Makes fishdance) But were going to boil, broil, and bake our little fish friend tonight, and then

well consume him with no regard for de-scaling or any safety measure! We want fish! (Simulates crowd going wild)


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Scene 14: Ebb and JoThe Scene: Remember that living room? This is it again.

(Jo Peach andEbony Flo are sitting on the couch, laughing and talking endlessly.Bo Peach isbehind the couch, making faces of disgust and anguish)

Flo: So tell me, what is it that you do?

Jo: Im a history teacher.Flo: You see, that was a trick. I already knew that. Im a psychic witch.Jo: Thats amazing.

Flo: So I pretty much know everything.Bo: Examples?

Jo: (Slaps him hard)Flo: Was that your brother?

Jo: What? No! I dont have a brother! Theres only one Peach!Flo: So he is?

Bo: Yes.Jo: Fine. Yes.

Flo: Which one of you has mildly humorous elephant underwear?Jo: What?

Flo: Im just getting one of those vibes, you know? Psychic vibes.Bo: Thats weird.

Jo: Shut up! Youre weird!Bo: You have a face! And faces are one letter away from feces.

Flo: Hes right, you know.Jo: Yes. Im aware.

Bo: HA! I got you, brother.Jo: Just go away.

Bo: Why?(Jo takesBo off to the corner)

Jo: It was your idea in the first place to do this switch, and you are ruining it for the rest of us.Bo: Wellyou got me there.

Jo: Just keep calm, and you can come in soon. Ebony Flo seems to be the only witness to ourBo: Petty crimes?

Jo: Yeah. Oh. And do you have mildly amusing elephant underwear?Bo: Its not like I wear them all the time!

Jo: Okay then.(They go back to their respective areas)

Flo: Why did you go behind the couch again?Bo: Its my hiding spot.

Flo: But I can see you.Bo: Yeah. When you look for me.

Jo: Just ignore him.Bo: Ouch.

Jo: For now! You see, were going to be--Bo: (Jumps up and covers Jos mouth) Its a secret. Jo, may I see you in the corner? (Drags him

over)Jo: What?


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Bo: I want to see if she can even notice! Call it an experiment, if you will.Jo: Remember that other experiment, with the toaster?

Bo: That was you, and yes.Jo: Oh, yeah. Fine.

Bo: Were identical twins. (Pushes glasses, twin fusses hair)

Jo: Right.Bo: Good. Now lets have fun.Jo: Fine.

(They return once again to their areas)Flo: I want some beef jerky.

Jo: I dont have any.Flo: Oh, but you do.

Jo: What? No I dont.Flo: Think about it. Beef jerky. And I want it.

Jo: I can go get some for youI dont understand.Bo: Hes never been a bright one.

Jo: Identical everything! (Fusses hair, twin pushes glasses)Flo: Give me the jerky, boy!

(Ebony Flograbs a hold ofJo and topples him off-screen. Various articles of clothing begin toerupt from that side of the room, such as a shoe, sockshirtthen a weasel, a cushion, panties.

Bojumps up with something funny attached to his head, such as Granny underpants)Bo: I thought I could get in on the exciting parts of the evening! (Hit with a frying pan) Ouch.

Im going in.(The group is joined byBo who jumps inas Gibletwanders from the other side)

Giblet: Where did that little dog run off to? This is worse than the time we were in a balloon andwe ran out of air and I had to kill Gravys momma to create an oxygen mask out of her

spineOhGravy! I need you! (Takes notice of the commotion) Oh myGravy? Areyou in there? (Wanders ever closerand falls into the tumultuous cannon of clothing

fire.)(Mountains of clothing should be piling up around the room, and then Gravy is thrown across

the mountains)Giblet: Oh! Gravy!

Bo: Ouch.Jo: Hey!

Flo: Im sorryI just get these urges sometimes.Nook: (Off-screen) Dinner is served! Come to the dining table!

(Everyone gets up, walks on-screen, fixing themselves before leaving.Bo takes Jo and hits him inthe face, covering him with some clothing to make it less conspicuous)


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Scene 15: Dine and WhineThe Scene: Dining Room in which there is a table, set for the guests.

(Dusty Nookheads the table, raising a glass toward the table, full minusBlanc andGiblet.)Nook: Tonight is the night that will live in infamy. What weve always wanted is at hand.

Argyle: What would that be? Not being poisoned by peanuts?

Nook: Not exactly.Argyle: Then what?Nook: Well, all eight of you are herewait. Where are the remaining two?

Argyle: Eight? Eight! Im afraid of the number eight!Mallow: Shut up, old man! Keep it together, for Wars sake!

(Blanc andGibletenter aggravated and talkative, respectively)Giblet: You should have seen the look on his face when that dog attached his little self to his

shoulder blade. Oh, the screams! And that was nothing compared to dinner the nextday.

Blanc: Please. Stop talking. Im begging you. (Takes seat)Nook: Ah. Here they are. Now all eight of you are together.

Argyle: Eight! Octophobiamy octophobia is overwhelming me.Mallow: Will you calm down?

Argyle: Butit has two round edges! And its divisible by twos! How can this be?Nook: We are here on behalf of Mr. Cadaver, our host for the evening.

Harlot: Where is he?(Everyone stares at her)

Nook: Where is who?Harlot: Our host. Cadaver was his name?

Nook: Whats the point of your questioning?Harlot: I simply assumed that our host would be joining us at some point in the evening.

Nook: How overly presumptuous of you.Bo: Why are we here, Mr. Dusty Nook?

Nook: Thank you, Mr. Peach.Bo: No problem. Wait. Whatd I do?

Flo: Take the compliment.Mallow: Ho ho! I think hes going to say something!

Nook: Indeed.Giblet: Well, get on with it! Im not getting any crispier, like gator cakes over a warm

firemmm.Nook: I am speaking! As the hosts help, I assume responsibility for you! So shut up!

Giblet: Thats all you had to say.Flo: Yeah. We listen to you.

Blanc: Hardly.Mallow: Get on with it, Nook!

Nook: Okay. Ive summoned you here. Thats it.Harlot: Thats it?

Nook: Yes.Blanc: Nothing else?

Nook: WellArgyle: Oh, what now?


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Nook: I should tell you that I have not laced the mansion with traps and various forms ofweaponry.

Mallow: Youve yet to do anything that would make me not trust you, chap!Harlot: Save his constant lies.

Red: Silence, you!

Harlot: Ihave to go freshen up. (Rises and leaves, staring at everyone)Red: I have to go as well. Tosharpen this knife. (Takes knife and leaves)Blanc: I almost forgot about thepotatoes. Ill go check them now.

Argyle: But the potatoes are right there.Blanc: Of course! The other potatoes are missing! Bye! (Leaves)

Mallow: And we should be going as well, to check on theoffice. Making sure of the safety ofothers is our first priority. And Im definitely not going to follow Harlot anywhere. Not at

all.Giblet: You didnt strike me as that kind of man, Marshal.

Mallow: And Im not! (Rushes off, draggingArgyle after him)Nook: Well. Lets eat, then.

Flo: Shouldnt we wait for the others to return?Nook: Why bother? Well probably be one guest short soon anyway.

Bo: What makes you say that?Nook: Oh, no reason.

Giblet: As if you need a reason to be so doggedly handsome, you deep-fried pancake smatteredin duck fuel.

Nook: What does that even mean?Giblet: It means that you better give me that ring soon, or Ill be out of here forever.

Nook: Good.Giblet: The last time someone stood me up for my wedding wasjust over a week ago.

Nook: Im so surprised.Giblet: You remind me a lot of him, actually. Lets recount the story.

Nook: Oh, no.Giblet: I was just a young girl in her gingham sun dress, soaking up the rays while fishing for

tadpoles with my puppy, Gravy. I had recently eaten the biggest croc burger with triplefried onion and turnip soup smothering it and the curdled milk plate, so when I say I was

fishing, it was really me just throwing rocks at the neighbors again. Poor kids. (Her storycontinues, withNookunresponsive. She fills in with blahs, as the scene continues with

the other side of the table)Flo: There was this time, when I was exercising demons, that I realized something.

Bo: And what was that?Flo: Why teach the dead aerobic exercise when their hearts function less than that of a

congressman?Bo: What was your answer?

Flo: It was simple. Im a witch.Bo: About that. Ummare you really a witch, or is that some high technical babble?

Flo: (Livid) What?Bo: Nothing! I said nothing! What you heard was probably the sound of me slurping the soup!

Flo: We havent any soup.Bo: Than Id better go get some!


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Flo: No. I dont fancy being called a hoax.Bo: And no one said anything about it.

Flo: You think Im a fraud.Bo: No! I justwas curious. That maybe technology had a place in your act!

Flo: There is no act! I hate technology! (Angrily rises, then stoops back down when her phone

rings, then her pagershe sits and begins removing devices from her purse. Phone,pager, calculator, banana, a blackberry) It must be my new technologically advancedStrawberry.

Bo: Strawberry? Isnt that a blackberry?Flo: But my name is cuter.

Bo: I guess I cant argue with that.Flo: Where is your brother? I like him more than you.

Bo: ButIit was a mistake!Flo: Oh, no matter. Im fine as long as I have my magic! And youd better believe I do.

Bo: Of course I do! Im happy to believe in witchcraft! Hehe.Flo: Oh, you! What a silly boy you are!

(A shrill scream is heard and the table-mates glance up at the stairs, then run off. AsBo rushesaway, Jo lunges from behind and tackles him, crawling over the body and taking over for the

twins)


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Scene 16: Bruised BodiesThe Scene: Billiards room, preferably. Verywoody.

(The body ofS. Harlotis sprawled sexily upon the table, pool or otherwise. The group that ranto meet crowd aboutMallow, who is frighteningly clutching his jaw. Argyle cries in the corner,

Redsaunters up behind the group,Blanc is missing.)

Nook: Who screamed?Mallow: UhI dont know.Jo: Theres a dead body on that table, pool or otherwise!

Mallow: Well, yes.Nook: Do you know anything about this?

Mallow: Uhno. I dont know.Argyle: Oh, no! Everything is scary! The walls close around me! AAGH! (Pushes through

crowd and flees)Red: Wheres that freak going?

Mallow: I dont know! I dont know! I just dont know!Flo: There, there. I can sense with my seventh sense that youre just sensitive.

Jo: Thats still interesting to me. How do you do it?Flo: Its an innate ability.

Giblet: So its like fingernails being strong enough to crack wooden logs that have buried yourlate husband Jade? Not that Im saying I did that.

Flo: Ohsure.Giblet: That was a good man. No one knows what happened to him, because he was dead when

the tons of rocks and lumber were moved from him.Flo: Okay. Soshall we be off?

Mallow: Shouldnt you be a little more worried with the dead body before you?Flo: Oh. No. Im at peace with the dead.

Red: Why are you so overly worried?Mallow: Ive seen many a dead man in my days in war, but

Red: What?Mallow: They didnt have breasts!

Red: But she makes bruises look good.Mallow: That may be the case, but its still a tragedy.

Red: Whatever. I think it was bound to happen. She was a floozy.Jo: A harlot, if you will.

Red: Exactly.Nook: Precisely.

Mallow: Indeed.Flo: Yes.

Red: So lets just go off, further our evening without bothering to check the bodies that pile up,inevitably.

Nook: Im fine with that.Flo: Ive already sent her on her way to the spirit realm.

Jo: Sure. Why cry over spilt hussy?Flo: Oh, you!


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Scene 17: Green Patterns.like ArgyleThe Scene: Kitchen. Yep.

(We see nothing. The kitchen goes dark, and a scream from Argyle. Then one fromBlanc. Lightsreturn. Argyle is dead.)

Blanc: What was that?

Red: (Runs in from one side, then stands over the body, holding the fish that killed it) How isthisand thiskilled by a fish? Cool!Blanc: Its not just any fish. Its a spotted mackerel with a rainbow trout cousin somewhere in its

lineage.Red: Why do you know so much about this fish? Or should I say, murder weapon?

Blanc: Im a cook. And youre sullying the fish! (Tries to grab it)(From the other side, the guests rush in)

Mallow: What are you doing with that fish?Blanc: Hes stealing my fish!

Jo: Another dead body!Flo: Goody! More work for me! (Runs to the body joyfully)

Giblet: The way you get so giddy around dead bodies makes me wonder about you.Flo: Hehe. The body count youve been racking up based upon your stories begs to differ.

Giblet: I know nothing about those men!Flo: Who said otherwise?

Jo: The body?Mallow: (Stepping in front of group) Mr. Herring. Why do you hold this fish over the body

of(Kneels to see body ofArgyle) Oh. Oh! My partner in crime! I was teaching him somuch about war. The love one feels with a deadly weapon erupting around you, and the

remnants of armies flying about the airah.(Snaps out of reverie) But why are youholding that fish?

Nook: Is it a red herring?Giblet: Oh? I love me some herring pie.

Nook: Shut up.Blanc: No! Its clearly a spotted mackerel with rainbow trout in its lineage.

Mallow: Why do you know so much about this fish? Is it your fish?Blanc: I just know my fish!

Mallow: So its your fish?Blanc: No fish is strictly my fish!

Mallow: It IS your fish!Red: Take the freaking fish!

Blanc: What fish?Red: This fish!

Mallow: The only fish!Red: (Drops fish) Where is the fish?

Blanc: What fish?Mallow: THE fish!

Red: Fishy, fishy, fish? (Rises with the fish)Blanc: Oh. That fish. Yeah, its mine.

Mallow: Thank you.Blanc: But that proves nothing! I didnt kill Mr. Argyle! Why would I?


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Red: Why not? There was already one death in the mansion. Whod be suspicious of a second?Blanc: Everybody.

Red: Touch.Blanc: FrenchFRENCH! (Grabs fish and swings madly about with it)No one speaks French

near me!

Red: And I believe we see the rage here?Blanc: Rage? Im so enraged that fl--flamesFlames jumpfl--flames.Mallow: Lets take her away, boys.

Red: Are you a war veteran or a retired cop?Mallow: Jolly ho!

Red: Or are you a Queens man?Mallow: I dont much care for the city. (Laughtrack)

Nook: (Stepping into the foreground) Halt, everyone. Cease and desist. We are all civil peoplehere.

Giblet: Hey, honey! I look forward to our honeymoon. Im thinking somewhere along the linesof the bedroom? In the woods? Where there are woodpeckers to eatmmmm.

Nook: Most of us are civil people. As long as we remain composed, we can still carry on withour evening.

Giblet: All this commotion reminds me that I havent had a good bowel movement in weeks!Blanc: Shut up, idiot woman!

Giblet: Just stating a fact. Actually, this brings to mind the time my uncle Winnie refused topoop for a month. He exploded. Well, actually we couldnt tell what happened after

Daddy shot him in the head. We just assumed his bowels exploded from too much woodpecker scones!

Blanc: You eat scones?Giblet: Well, our scones were deep fried grease with lard injections, but yes.

Blanc: Ah.Nook: If you turn your attention to this cupboard, you will notice me opening it. (Opens

cupboard, revealing weapons of sorts) These are leftover from the last guests here. If youdont mind creating a line so I can distribute them.

(The cupboard has a weapon for each guest)Nook: For Marshall Mallow, arevolver of sorts. (Removes rubber band and hands it to him)

Mallow: Oh. I havent been this well armed since the storming of the bay in Nam.Nook: Next we have Red Herring. He gets thegiant screw. (Hands over a big screw)

Red: I came in with a lead pipe. Could that be my weapon instead?Nook: Oh, how you jest.

Red: ButNook: Next! The lovely Mrs. Blanc-Mange receives the lead pipe variation, the sword. (Hand

her a sheathed sword)Blanc: I guess I wont be needing this fish, then. (Tosses the fish and hits Giblet, takes sword and

unsheathes it, taking sheath and throwing the sword out)Red: But I have a real lead pipe!

Nook: Getting on with it, Ms. Ebony Flo gets the scissors. (Grants scissors)Flo: But I have scissors already! (Removes bigger scissors from herskirt?)

Nook: Okay then.(Bo appears from behindJo and they struggle to the floor.Bopops up to receive the weapon.)


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Nook: For Mr. Peach, we have the candle stick(Removes lava lamp) from the seventies. (Handsit over)

Bo: Thats stupid.Nook: So are you.

Bo: Hey! I have the lava lamp, buddy.

Nook: And finally, the rope goes to(Removes whip and smiles) Wellactually, Ill keep thisone.Giblet: But thats mine! What will I do to defend myself!

Nook: Take that fish.Giblet: But its a fish! A filthy, dirty, stinking fish!

Nook: You eat woodpeckers and muskrats, but a fish is off-limits?Giblet: I have my standards, fiance.

Blanc: FRENCH!Nook: Just go away, the both of you. (Everyone starts to leave) Everyone stay! (They stop)

Except Giblet. (She leaves) I think we all know what should happen now. Cue the music!And the lights! (Nothing happens, then eventually the guests begin to jam and dance)

Enough! (They stop, and leave)


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Scene 18: Cold TurkeyThe Scene: Living space, not very bright. A seating object.

(Gibletis fussing over Gravy and cowering on the sofa)Giblet: Im afraid, Gravy. What if someone comes after me? I havent got any weapon of my

own. Unless(Sudden thought motion) Hey, Gravy! Would you mind protecting your

mistress? with the proper force, a strike from your thrown body could fell a moose. Andthen wed have the best moose liver and kidney eyeball soup and mustard with moosedropping pie. Mmm.

(Gravy grows uneasy. The lights go out)Giblet: Gravy?

(From the shadows,Blanc enters and stabs Giblet)Blanc: You might just be one of the most annoying people in the world.

Giblet: Woo, Gravy!(AsBlanc runs off,Nookrushes on, then strangles Giblet)

Nook: Realize this, woman. I am not going to marry you. Ever.Giblet: WooGravy.

(AsNookrushes off,R

edrushes on and throws a screw at her)Red: I dont even know you, but sometimes the urge to kill overcomes.

Giblet: Wooooooo.(As Redrushes off,Bo andJo rush on, from opposite sides)

Bo: Mrs. Giblet. What can I say? Well, lets start with--Jo: What are you doing here?

Bo: Me? What are you doing here?Jo: Dont make this about me! This is about you!

Bo: No, Jo!Jo: Bo!

Bo: Jo!Jo: Bo!

Bo: Jo!Jo: No!

Bo: Whoa!Jo: Bo!

Bo: Low!Jo: Doh!

Bo: Jo!Flo: (Jumps up between the two) Flo!

Jo: Flo?Bo: Whoa?

Jo: Bo!Flo: Jo?

Jo: Flo.Bo: Flo!

Flo: Bo?Jo: Bo!

Bo: Jo!Flo: Jo!


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Bo: No!Jo: Bo?

Bo: No!Flo: Jo.

Bo: Whats going on here?

Jo: I came for the same reason you came.Bo: Then what is she doing here?Flo: Just here for the scenery. (Runs around the sofa and sits next to the body. Then she noticed

and shrieks) A body! (Stabs it with scissors)Jo: Shes already dead? (Steals the lava lamp and hits Giblet)

Bo: Lets flee!Jo: Come with me!

Flo: Wee!


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Scene 19: Turkey for the Season

The Scene: Bustling dining area with people dancing and whatnot.(Everybody is there andDusty Nookis preparing a speech at the head of the table. No one

speaks)

Nook: Calm down, everyone. (Silence)Flo: Umm...no one was talking.Marshall: No one from our side of the war, at least. (Yells) Don't think I can't hear you,

Vietnamese Alien scum! Your skittering footsteps and pesky whispers are not enough tophase me! Not this time. (Calms) I paid for that long ago...I was so innocent, then.

Blanc: You are insane.Nook: Either way, I believe I was having a toast begun.

Bo: I do agree, Mr. Nook. However, due to recent occurrences, wouldn't it be better to just haveus all go home? I personally can't feel safe anymore knowing that someone is out there.

Mallow: They're always out there! Those demonic soldiers marching through the night, over andunder bridges, planning a ferocious fire attack that will decimate foes and fell foxes. I

remember...I remember all.Blanc: No. Just...no.

Flo: He sounds more like me than I do.Nook: It is because of recent occurrences that I wanted everyone here. Now, you may have

noticed that our numbers have begun to thin...Red: And I havent done anything.

Nook: Well, I'm beginning to worry that our main purpose here is not being fulfilled.Blanc: You never told us why we were here, actually.

Nook: Je suis avec enfant et tu suis une croissent.Blanc: What do you think you are trying to do? (Spasms) I hate you! I hate all of you! Death is

imminent! (Runs off, twitching and screaming) FREEENCH!Bo: Should we take that as a threat?

Blanc: No! (Far away, obviously)Bo: Okay.

Nook: We now can concentrate on what we need to accomplish.Red: And what is that?

Flo: Yes, exactly.Nook: Stop it, everybody!

Red: Fine.Nook: I'm sure you are all aware of the current events of the past few hours. To try and alleviate

the stress, we shall have a party in this room, complete with dancing, foodstuffs, andhugging at any available opportunity.

Red: What's the occasion?Nook: Well...I don'

Documents

Act of the Second[1]