Abusive Relationshipss

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Unit 5: Relationships & Sexuality

Part 3: Abusive Relationships


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Abusive Relationships Abusive relationships are characterized

byextreme jealousy, emotionalwithholding, lack of intimacy, raging,

sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal

abuse, threats, lies, broken promises,physical violence, power plays and

control games.


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Abuse does not have to be physical

Abusive relationships are progressive

-Abusive relationships get worse overtime. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently

shifts to more overt threats or physical

abuse, particularly in times of

stress. Abusers are generally very needyand controlling; the abuse escalates when

they feel they may lose their partner, or when

the relationship ends.


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A specific relationship is not the source

of the abuse

Abusive patterns are part of theemotional make up of both the parties

involved. Without help and outside

intervention the abusive patterns willbe repeated in all relationships. Theemotional volatility of addicts and

alcoholics also creates an abusive

relationship climate.


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Abusers are often survivors of

abuse themselves.

Many of the attributes of abusers are

documented trauma based adaptations to

childhood emotional, physical and sexual

abuse. Abusers act out of deep seatedshame and feelings of inadequacy. They

seek to pull their partner down to make

themselves feel better.


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Abuse is a family dysfunction that

repeats through generations.

Just as addictions pass down through

generations, abusers often leave their

families for a family of choice - then repeat

the abusive cycle from the other side. Theabused becomes the abuser and so

continues the cycle


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You may be in an abusive

relationship if he or she: Is jealous or possessive toward you.

(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusiverelationships; it is also a core component of Sexual

Addictions and Love Addiction.)

Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off socialcontacts and friendships.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you

are not comfortable with. Abuses drugs or alcohol.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotionalstate. (This is a core diagnostic criteria forCodependency.)

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.


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You may be in an abusive

relationship if he or she:

Has a history of bad relationships.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person ortold you that they are concerned for your safety or emotionalwell being.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to thingsyou say or do.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrassyou, weather privately or around family and friends.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parentalrelationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss ofcontrol.

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progressin drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt tocope with the pain. You leave and then return to your partnerrepeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved

ones. You have trouble ending the relationship, even thoughyou know inside it's the right thing to do.


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Heres What Healthy and

Abusive Relationships Look Like

Sometimes abusive relationships are easy to

identify; other times the abuse may take subtleforms. The examples shown here can help youidentify traits of abusive and healthyrelationships. In general, abusive relationships

have a serious power imbalance, with theabuser controlling or attempting to control mostaspects of life. Healthy relationships shareresponsibility and decision-making tasks and

reflect respect for all the people in therelationship, including children.


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Healthy Relationships:

Non-Threatening Behavior--Talking and acting so that your partnerfeels safe and comfortable doing and sayingthings.

Respect--Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.--Being emotionally affirming andunderstanding.

--Valuing opinions.


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Healthy Relationships: Trust and Support

--Supporting your partners goals in life.--Respecting your partners right to his or her own feelings,

friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability--Accepting responsibility for self.

--Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusivebehavior, changing the behavior. --Acknowledging infidelity,

changing the behavior.

--Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.

--Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse,

seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.


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Healthy Relationships:

Responsible Parenting

--Sharing parental responsibilities.--Being a positive, non-violent role model for

children.

Shared Responsibility

--Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of

work.

--Making family decisions together.


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Abusive Relationships:

Using Intimidation

--Making your partner afraid by using looks,

actions, gestures.

--Smashing or destroying things.

--Destroying or confiscating your partner's

property.--Abusing pets as a display of power and control.

--Silent or overt raging.

--Displaying weapons or threatening their use.

--Making physical threats.

Ab i R l i hi


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Using Emotional Abuse--Putting your partner down.--Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.--Calling your partner names.--Playing mind games.--Interrogating your partner.

--Harassing or intimidating your partner.--"Checking up on" your partner's activities orwhereabouts.--Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacksor "jokes".

--Making your partner feel guilty.--Shaming your partner.

Ab i


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Abusive

Relationships:

Using Isolation--Controlling what your partner does, who he or shesees and talks to, what he or she reads, where heor she goes.--Limiting your partners outside involvement.

--Demanding your partner remain home when youare not with them.--Cutting your partner off from prior friends,activities, and social interaction.--Using jealousy to justify your actions.

*(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships)


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Abusive

Relationships:

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting

--Making light of the abuse and not taking yourpartners concerns about it seriously.

--Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that

bad.--Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to

your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)

--Saying your partner caused it.

Ab i


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AbusiveRelationships:

Using Children--Making your partner feel guilty about the children.

--Using the children to relay messages.--Using visitation to harass your partner.--Threatening to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege--Treating your partner like a servant.--Making all the big decisions.--Acting like the "master of the castle."--Being the one to define mens and womens or the

relationship's roles.

Ab i R l ti hi


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Using Economic Abuse--Preventing your partner from getting or

keeping a job.

--Making your partner ask for money.

--Giving your partner an allowance.

--Taking your partners money.

--Not letting your partner know about or

have access to family income.


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Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality

traits which are common in the partners of

abusers:

Intense need for love and affection.

Low self esteem. (Belief that they can't have / don't

deserve better treatment.) Drug or Alcohol Dependence.

A background involving physical, emotional or sexualabuse.

ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)

Codependent personality disorder and / or Loveaddiction.

Enforced isolation creating resentment.

Strong need for a relationship to validate them.

Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.


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traits which are common in the partners of

abusers: Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.

Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it,act it out in other ways.

Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional

or physical safety. Belief that "it will change if I just try harder."

Repeated attempts to leave the relationship.

Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the

abuser again and again. Clinical depression, self - medication.

Suicidal ideation or attempts.


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traits which are common in the abusers:

Uncontrolled temper.

Extreme Jealousy.

Intense fear of abandonment.

A background involving physical, emotional or sexualabuse, abandonment

Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To "fix"

them or solve their problems.) Isolation and antisocial temperament.

Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, recklessdriving, drug use etc.)

Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior andactions, even in the face of dire consequences.
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm


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traits which are common in the abusers:

Cruelty to children / animals.

Threats of violence.

Low self-esteem, shame.

Codependent personality disorder and / or Loveaddiction.

Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, acompulsion to violate boundaries.

Drug or Alcohol Dependence, self medication.

Emotional volitility - fear of being "out of control". Need for power and control to compensate for the

above.

Bipolar disorder and / or Borderline PersonalityDisorder.

Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.


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Documents

Abusive Relationshipss