Featuring:GOTTFRIED an adventurer and self-styled Renaissance manTMAS a young, timid man and scientific researcherOSKAR An enigmatic sleeperAN EXTREMELYFORTUITOUS UNDERTAKING

[Note: Gottfried often swears in various foreign languages. To make this clear these are in italics]

A barren and freezing tundra in the Arctic Circle. It is dark and a strong wind is howling in the background constantly. A low wash fades onto a campsite, including a small tent with many tent ropes, remnants of a campfire and a sled with some junk heaped on the back, next to another pile of junk. Near the sled on stage left, a huge patch of darkness covers the area and leads offstage, as if there is a sudden cliff face there. There is a sudden rustling in the tent, which shakes from side to side, and muffled grunts are heard.TMAS throws off the tent flap and emerges half-clothed from tent, holding a brown bottle. He stumbles, panicked and uncertain, towards stage front.GOTTFRIED also emerges, cursing in Swedish and his hand out in front of him.GOTTFRIED: Din dula fan! What is this! He is dressed for the cold except for one boot and sock, and hops outside the tent awkwardly, furiously looking around. He spots Tomas.GOTTFRIED: (Angrily) Goddamit Tomas! Get back here you imbecile! He starts towards Tomas, who stops, sliding, closing his eyes and shaking his head childishly. Tomas starts drunkenly taking sips from bottle.GOTTFRIED: (Shouting) Every goddamn night Tomas! As he hops nearer Tomas stops suckling at bottle and, flailing, starts stumbling away. The chase continues madly around the stage, knocking over a pile of junk on the sled onto the ground, and eventually circling around the tent, both tripping over the ropes every time. After the 4th time around the tent Tomas breaks free and runs towards the stretch of darkness on stage right then stops suddenly, veering over it looking down. The lights dim slightly as he grows nearer.GOTTFRIED: (Stopping a few paces behind, out of breath) Come on now Tommy, dont be a fool. (Extends a hand, on one leg) Give the bottle back. Theres a good boy.TMAS lingers, then retreats from the darkness back towards partner and sullenly extends bottle while still gripping it. Gottfried tries coaxing it off, then snatches it, unbuttons his coat, stuffs it in a deep coat pocket and with difficulty redoes the buttons. Tomas starts and blinks, as if waking up suddenly. Lighting state returns to normal. Gottfried leads Tomas by the shoulder to stage front, hopping.GOTTFRIED: Now what the bloody hell was that all about? Here, give me a hand. There there, thats a good fellow.TMAS: (Putting arm around G as support) I I d-dont und-d-d-erstand.GOTTFRIED: You dont bloody understand much, do you?TMAS: (Staring straight ahead) It was as if a terrible madness had come over me, a strange and almost prehistoric calling from the winds itself. My weak human mind just like all others, is twisted and crushed past that fragile glass apex that perhaps marks even what we consider sanity. What would drive me, shallow and unvirtuous as I am, to this tragic behaviour? Has this dark and morally rotting, uninhabited recess of wild Earth turned me against others, and therefore myself? O, confusion and unknowing!Pause.GOTTFRIED: (Looking confused at Tomas) What the actual bollocks are you talking about?TMAS: (Snapping out, bewildered) S-s-sorry?GOTTFRIED: You were just off like a parrot!TMAS: (Confused, starting to shiver) Im not sure I quite c-c-c-comprehend.GOTTFRIED: (Leg on ground slightly shaking) You were just drunk, idiot.TMAS: N-n-no I was not!GOTFFRIED: (Incredulous) What? Yes you were you rv!TMAS: Not!GOTTFRIED: Yes!TMAS: N-no! I havent had a single sip! Check the bottle! The lid was on!GOTTFRIED: You better not have, this is an 1894 bottle. Liquid gold!TMAS: (More eager) Im telling you friend, check the bottle!GOTTFRIED: Well I cant do that now, Id have to get this damn coat undone! Why did I buy this piece of skat in the first place! Its far too bulky. And musty.TMAS: Its alright. Ill buy you a new one whence we finally return.GOTTFRIED: (Indignant) Do you believe I have no honour, sir?TMAS: S-s-sorry.Silence for a few seconds. Tomas glances at Gottfried, then starts shivering.TMAS: Im f-f-freezing. It must be at least -14 Centigrade, very low for this time of -GOTTFRIED: Gott im himmel! My foot will fall off at this rate!TMAS: Perhaps we should return to the tent?GOTTFRIED: I dont have my shoe on, impossible.TMAS: But surely you travelled here without the shoe? We do not live in a world where the shoe can disobey the laws of science and suddenly make off to GOTTFRIED: We cant go back now! Were already outside.TMAS: Im half naked!GOTTFRIED: Nothing to be done.TMAS: Im tired!GOTTFRIED: Arent we all these days. TMAS: P-p-please! I need your help here!GOTTFRIED: But (subdued) well wake up Oskar. Do you really want that? TMAS: (Confused, still shivering.) I dont know? I know its Oskar, but it cant be all that bad.GOTTFRIED: If we stir him you know what sort of hell may arise?TMAS: Oh. I suppose.GOTTFRIED: (Looks at his foot) Oh no, my boot! Well have to go get it! We cant stay here, simpleton!TMAS: S-s-sorry, Gottfried. I just thought-GOTTFRIED: You dont think much do you, skiderik! Come on, youll freeze! Your foot will fall off.They sway side to side as they walk, conjoined, back to the tent GOTTFRIED: This is exactly like the great Winter War of Finland I was a part of you know-They somehow both fall into the tent flap and inside. There are muffled sounds of confusion from inside and the tent bounces around slightly.TMAS: Ow! Thats my leg! Let me just reach here-GOTTFRIED: Just go around- no you infernal codpiece - the other side! Ugh!TMAS: Dont touch him, hes probably sick!Gottfried eventually emerges with both boots on, however is missing a glove. He begins inspecting the tent and pegs, walking around it. There is another kerfuffle and Tomas emerges, clearly far overdressed and pulling on a jumper as he comes out. He is clutching a thermometer.GOTTFRIED: Blast it! I think the tent pegs are loose again, thanks to you. Well have to fix them or the wind will blow the whole bugger away. (The wind suddenly dies off as he says this. The tent is still.)TMAS: (Yawning) P-p-perhaps its time to finally pack up the old boy and set up closer to the magnetic P-Pole itself. P-p-perhaps think about finally travelling home to Stockholm. Im sure my family are simply worried sick thinking of me.GOTTFRIED: (Looking over suspiciously) What about your research youre always prattling on about with the damn magnets and rocks? I thought you hadnt completed it. The research? TMAS: (Defensively) I still have a few minor adjustment to measurements-GOTTFRIED: What then?TMAS: Temperature?GOTTFRIED: Of what?TMAS: ...things.GOTTFRIED: Like?TMAS: You wouldnt understand. Maybe if we leave Ill tell you.GOTTFRIED: I told you that we cant, boy! And we dont know whats over there, (More quiet and urgent) in that godforsaken territory- in the cold, and the dark, with the Arctic monsters? (He gestures vaguely. A short pause as they look towards the dark on stage left .Gottfried starts unbuttoning coat.)TMAS: (Murmuring, scared) Yes, the research, the analytics on the forces influencing underground seismic movement and the effects of temperature on bacteria and the magnets yesGOTTFRIED: (Continuing unbuttoning, crouching next to a tent peg) Monstrous polar bears, avalanches like thunder and apparently some inhuman savages manage to withstand this hellhole. Home awaits but work must be done old chap in the meantime! Here, be a mensch and help me hammer these pegs in.Gottfried succeeds in unbuttoning coat and pulls a hammer out. He starts to redo the buttons.TMAS: No I have to- (Thinks) have to start a fire to boil the water to cook the food so we dont catch salmonella. GOTTFRIED: From the salmon?TMAS: No, the chicken. GOTTFRIED: We dont have chickenTMAS: (Rushed) I must take the temperature! (He starts waving thermometer in air blindly)Gottfried grunts. He finishes rebuttoning and bends over a tent peg to inspect it. He positions the hammer over it and hammers it once very lightly. Satisfied, he gets up and moves to the next peg, tripping over on the rope as he does this. He then hammers the next one lightly, gets up and moves to the next one, tripping on a rope. He does this again and again as he talks, circling around the tent twice.GOTTFRIED: (Continuing) Now, you mentioned Stockholm- I suppose I have friends, rivals there that would enjoy my return. (Trips) I recall last winter there I had a famous duel with that scoundrel Kolinski. He had a mean shot but so did I, and we both shot each other in the shoulder! (Trip.) Luckily we laughed it off and we settled over a bottle of vodka that King Henrik himself had gifted me for saving his life while in Nepal. Now that was an expedition, full of grandeur and spectacular feats. (Spitting) Not this piss sack journey of incessant whining. (Trips) Kurwa!TMAS: (Holding thermometer still and reading it) The temperature is off here... its not quite cold enough.GOTTFRIED: Yes, you said that yesterday. And the day before. And I still dont believe it.

TMAS: In any case this is a scientific expedition, not some folly for the ages. Im conducting very important research, and this measurement is clearly a part of that. And the magnets, and the rocks. Although I must say your story intrigues me. May I see the scar on your shoulder?GOTTFRIED: (Hurriedly) Shut up you idiotic ponce.TMAS: S-s-sorry. Gottfried trips over at where he started at the same time as Tomas sneezes and drops the thermometer.G + T: Curses!Gottfried picks up the hammer and gets up; brushing himself off, as Tomas bends over and picks up the thermometer then straightens. They look at each other.TMAS: The tent looks sturdy.GOTTFRIED: The temperature looks fine. Tomas moves forward and sits on the ground, placing the thermometer carefully next to him. Gottfried moves and, tripping over the rope, comes to sit next to Tomas in front of the tent. He also sits down and looks forward, absent-mindedly hammering the thermometer next to him. The wind starts again.GOTTFRIED: What happened to the chicken you were talking about? (Threatening) If theres no supper ready youll be sleeping with the blizzard for company.TMAS: (Slumped) We never have any food. What to now though? Ive nothing left to research.GOTTFRIED: (Disgusted) Im sure the tent will collapse any second now anyway Might as well just take the sled south right now.TMAS: The sleds not ready yet. (Brighter) I know! Lets ask Oskar! Hell know what to do.GOTTFRIED: (Startled, brings hammer down harder and smashes the thermometer) What?TMAS: (Horrified) My thermometer! (He gathers the pieces in his palms)GOTTFRIED: Ill get you a new one later. But again you birdbrain, we cant do that.TMAS: (Stuffing pieces in his pocket) Why not? Hes very smart.GOTTFRIED: The mans a a psychopath! We cant (He looks at his hands clutching the hammer, and notices that one of them is missing a glove, and trails off)GOTTFRIED: My poor fingers! I musnt have realised they were frozen.TMAS: (Firmly) Well have to get you back to the tent to retrieve the glove (Suggestive) might as well get Oskar out while were there, hmmm? (He gets up)GOTTFRIED: (Resigned) Ugh, I cannot abide the fellow. (Dramatically) Fine, fine, if you insist you meddling lamprey. Awaken the beast and be done with the affair! Now help me up! (He reaches up) TMAS: (Pitiful) I havent the strength! You know my condition! (He sits down)GOTTFRIED: (Unamused) Your condition is that youre a godforsaken fool! I suppose Ill have to go wake him up myself now! He deliberately and stiffly rises, unbuttoning his coat with his gloved hand and holding the hammer in the ungloved hand. He stuffs the hammer in his coat and rebuttons.TMAS quickly jumps up again, but as he does so Gottfried just as quickly sits back down. Tomas starts to sit back down and Gottfried jumps up again just as he reaches the ground. They repeat this 5 more times before eventually Gottfried, standing up, grabs Tomas by the neck and drags him up, then lets go. They both turn around on their heels, exclaim Fine! and march towards the tent together. Gottfried trips on the rope and falls as they approach, and Tomas steps over him and in turn trips over the next rope. They fall into the tent and it bounces around as they are inside, then they both stumble out again. Gottfried is wearing his glove but is now missing his pants. They both scramble back to the entrance and poke their heads in at the same time, side by side, buttocks in the air.GOTTFRIED: (Muffled) Well how do you suppose we go about this, Msstock?They awkwardly force their heads back out and look at each other.TMAS: Dont worry, Im a physics expert. Ill grab his legs, you grab mine. Simple!GOTTFRIED: Well how the blazes will that ever work! Its far too slippery!Tomas is already plunging his torso into the small structure. Gottfried, realising this, tries to pull him back out, struggling. He falls backwards with the weight, and Tomas slides out, as well as a portly and bald man he is holding around the waist, who is sleeping serenely.GOTTFRIED: (Scrambling up, terrified) Now look what youve done! Its a disaster! The ice will crack underneath him or hell bloody freeze to death! We must put him back!TMAS: (Alittle squashed) Well should we take him back in the tent where its warm, then ask him?He prises Oskar off himself and stands up next to Gottfried. They look at Oskar.GOTTFRIED: Well hes out here now isnt he! (Resigned) I suppose we should wake him upTMAS: I dont know how to do that, though. I assumed you did! Arent you an explorer?GOTTFRIED: (Overly defensive) I am an adventurer! Not some nanny for pompous skitstvels like yourself! If anything you should clean up this damn mess youve made and TMAS: (Growing angrier) If you would help me with getting him out then maybe GOTTFRIED: (Shouting) Oh yes blame the guy who didnt go to Oxford now shall we TMAS: (Yelling) Im blaming the man who refuses to accomplish anything worthwhile! -OSKAR suddenly shivers and interrupts Tomas, lets out a long groan and rolls over in his sleep, on his face an expression of utter despair. The pair becomes deathly quiet. The wind howls become louder and the lights dim slightly. Oskars whimpers occasionally interrupt the wind.Tomas and Gottfried very carefully step backwards, not moving their gaze from Oskar.GOTTFRIED: (Taken aback) Ahem here, old bean, Im far too demanding of you. Let me regale you with a tale from my childhood in the Pyrenees. No use waking that fatty up anyway.He puts his arm around Tomas and navigates them safely and securely around the ropes and to stage front, facing audience, all the while talking continuously and sagely. Oskar remains asleep. The lights and sounds gradually return to normal.TMAS: (While walking, complaining) You already told me that one too many times. And I am almost certain that mammoths are quite extinct in the Pyrenees!GOTTFRIED: Merda! Shut up, you ignorant boy.TMAS: Sorry. (Quickly) I was perhaps thinking the research sorry.GOTTFRIED: Perhaps we should leave (Sticks thumb back without looking) him, just get out of the camp. I dont like it. The blizzard could be here any moment; well perish in an instant!TMAS: We wont survive out there, theres so many dangers! No, we must stay for - for my findings. Im bored, you should play some music! You always bring up the time you won the eisteddfod in Salzburg.GOTTFRIED: I told you it was in Moscow swear! You should be thankful to be in the presence of a true Renaissance man, of many talents! (lightly slapping him) But, if you insistTOMAS: Sorry.With great difficulty Gottfried unbuttons his coat, pulls out a rusting harmonica from a coat pocket, and attempts to redo the buttons slowly with one hand. Just as he nears the last button, Tomas, growing more and more impatient, suddenly reaches over to try help and grabs the buttons and the two struggle over control over the coat, until the coat buttons fly open again from the force of their pulling. This process repeats itself, and on the third time Gottfried pushes Tomas away and succeeds at doing up the coat. He raises the harmonica to his mouth.GOTTFRIED: Now watch a master at work boy! I warn you though, I may be rusty.He hesitantly places it to his lips, and after a pause blows hard, puffing his cheeks out. A horrible shrill shriek emerges from it, and Tomas instantly crouches and places his hands on his ears. Oskar suddenly stirs and lets out a terrible groan from his place behind them, and Gottfried stops, the both of them wheeling around to face Oskar immediately in horror. The dark area on stage left suddenly expands and contracts, and there is a suddenly loud thunderous sound. After a few moans Oskar rolls onto his other side and settles down again. The pair slowly turns around again, their faces stretched and panicked.GOTTFRIED: (Quietly) Struth. (More confident ) You know, maybe you do have a good idea in that stupid brain of yours occasionally. Maybe we should try leave him. Pack up the sled. Completion. TMAS: But I thought you said-GOTTFRIED: I do say a lot of things-TMAS: The expedition is far too-GOTTFRIED: Yes I suppose its-TMAS: Ok then. They wheel around and walk around the tent in a circle, tripping over the ropes each time, until they reach Oskar. Gottfried grabs his head and Tomas his feet, and they both start pulling backwards, raising Oskar slightly into the air with the pressure. After struggling back and forth Gottfried lets go, and Tomas flies backwards with Oskar into the tent. With much panting and puffing he climbs back out of the tent, as Gottfried bends down and breathes deeply.GOTTFRIED: (Panting) Nice work snuskhummer. TMAS: S-s-sorry.They circle around the tent again, tripping on every second rope, and take a very circuitous route to the sled, wandering aimlessly and slowly around front stage and avoiding looking at each other. Eventually they approach the sled and turn around, walking slowly backwards to it.GOTTFRIED: (Without looking) The damn things broken again. Ugh.TMAS: (Puzzled, also not looking) That cant be possible, I repaired it yesterday!GOTTFRIED: Its the damn wind, gets in the gears! I dont like this godforsaken place. TMAS: Yes, it has a strange electric feel in the air, a constant humming. (Shakes head) We came here to pack up the sled, pack up the sled!With determination he wheels around. Gottfried starts to nonchalantly wander off but Tomas grabs him by the collar and drags him to the sled. They crouch and start inefficiently sorting through the pile of junk next to the sled that Tomas knocked over yesterday. TMAS: (Procuring and holding up a tin of beans) Well definitely need this on the home journey!He puts it on the back of the sled and returns to the search. Gottfried holds up a fork.GOTTFRIED: Well if were taking beans we need this! (Puts fork on back of sled)Every time one of them holds up an object they put it on the sled and return to rummaging.TMAS: (Holding radio) We need to keep up with the scientific news in Stockholm!GOTTFRIED: (Holding teddy bear) And how could we leave without Jeffrey!TMAS: (Holding badminton racquet) Well who knows if the eskimos have a court!GOTTFRIED: (Holding revolver) Yes and we might need this to... (Quieter) to defend ourselves against the perils I I suppose (A brief pause. Then, more firmly) You know theres absolutely no way we can fit everything we need on this pathetic sled. (He hits it, and it wobbles.)TMAS: (Crestfallen, looking at new pile on the sled) Yes I suppose there is quite a lot there. But my research will never get back to Stockholm at this rate (He glances lingeringly over to the darkness on his left, and then turns back.) (Hopefully) We can try get the fire going again perhaps!GOTTFRIED: (Relieved, grabbing Tomas by shoulder) Yes, yes of course old chap. (He leads him towards the front of stage.) Well pack up tomorrow, definitely. For now we must rest, and get our affairs all in order. Not to the tent though, Oskar needs his rest of course. (He glances down as they walk and, noticing he has no pants on, stops them. His knees begin shaking.)TMAS: (Looking towards the darkness again) But surely if - GOTTFRIED: Kurat! My pants! My legs will freeze over in a second! Help me, quick, you dolt!They hurry towards the tent entrance, Gottfried hopping from one leg to the other, this time carefully stepping around the ropes rather than tripping, and squeeze into the entrance at the same time, tumbling in. The tent eventually stills. Their muffled voices are heard.TMAS: Until tomorrow, I suppose.GOTTFRIED: I suppose. What are you, a philosopher? (Quietening) Yes yes, goodnight.There is silence for a time. The wind picks up slightly, and the darkness seems to increase.Tomas suddenly emerges from the tent drunkenly, half clothed, clutching a bottle and occasionally pretending to take sips. He staggers towards stage front, sliding around. Gottfried stumbles out. His pants are back on however his boot is missing again.GOTTFRIED: (Furiously, hopping) Helvete! Tomas you trashchild, what are you doing now! Get back here!Tomas shakes his head childishly with eyes closed and puts the bottle to his lips. Gottfried begins to hop angrily towards him and Tomas starts stumbling away randomly. The chase continues around the sled, where Tomas knocks over the pile of junk on it onto the floor. It then goes around the tent four times, where they trip over the same tent ropes each time, until Tomas stop circling and half-slides out towards the darkness on stage left. As Tomas approaches the darkness he slows down and becomes less accentuated in movement, Gottfried follows and also slows down.GOTTFRIED: (Spotting Tomas) There you are you devil! What are you doing with my Merlot!Tomas puts the bottle on the ground and starts walking slowly and purposefully towards the darkness, craning his neck towards it. Gottfried realises this and a look of confusion and panic settles on him, staring at Tomas. He strides towards him more sanely, keeping a safe distance.GOTTFRIED: (Apprehensive but firm) T-t-tomas what are you doing? If this is about how I broke your thermometer it it deserved it! (Attempting force) Stop this madness at once and return you devil! (He picks up bottle from the ground and trips forward onto his knees.)Tomas seems oblivious and steps ever closer to the darkness. Gottfried becomes more fretful.GOTTFRIED: (Eyes wide, holding bottle forward as if coaxing) Come on Tomas, Ill let you have the drink, its OK! (Tapping the lid) Look, you havent even opened it yet! (Desperately) Scoundrel! Come back! Gottfried Tomas has stopped on the very edge of the darkness. The stage lights suddenly dim and the wind howls louder. Gottfried sinks to his knees and stares at Tomas. Tomas is motionless.GOTTFRIED: (Nervously) This reminds me of the time we were in Paris and the homeless man we kept trying to talk to turned out to be a mannequin? Remember? Haha (He trails off)TOMAS: (Emotionless, still) No.GOTTFRIED: (Notices his bootless foot again and grabs it desperately) Damnation, my boots fallen off again! Youll have to help me back to the tent to get it back! Bugger Oskar, he doesnt know anything anyway! (He unconvincingly shakes his foot, then releases)Tomas gives no sign he has heard. The wind howls again.GOTTFRIED: (Strangely flat) Tomas. You cant. Come back and well finish the expedition. Finally.You can do your research. I-I-Im sorry. (He holds the bottle out and hangs his head.)Tomas notices Gottfried, as if for the first time, and looks around at him, then turns back. There is a tense pause. Tomas suddenly starts taking a slow step towards the blackness. The lights suddenly grow far darker and the wind picks up hugely in ferocity. Gottfried lunges forward and cries out in anguish, arms and hands outstretched. Lights cut to blackness and sounds cut out. Fin.