$4.99 KATHY IRELAND FEB/MAR 20110 70989 35509 5
$4.99 ISSUE 02-11
MANAGING EDITORGillian Friedman, MD
MANAGING HEALTH EDITORE. Thomas Chappell, MD
CONTRIBUTING SENATORU.S. Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA)
HUMOR WRITERSJeff CharleboisGeorge Covington, JDGene Feldman, JD
EDITORSDahvi FischerRenne Gardner Regina HallMolly MackinJosh PateDavid RadcliffDenise Riccobon, RNJane Wollman RusoffMaya Sabatello, PhD, JD Romney Snyder
HEALTH EDITORSMoses deGraft-Johnson, MDLarry Goldstein, MD
CONTRIBUTING WRITERSAshley FiolekGale Kamen, PhDLaurance Johnston, PhDAndrea KardonskyDeborah Max Myles Mellor - Crossword PuzzlePaula Pearlman, JD Allen RuckerKristen McCarthy ThomasBetsy Valnes
WEB EDITORSStan HoskinsMary Shafizadeh
GRAPHIC ART/ILLUSTRATIONScott JohnsonMelissa Murphy - Medical Illustration Anna Blagovidova
The views expressed in this issue maynot be those of ABILITY MagazineLibrary of Congress Washington D.C. ISSN 1062-5321
Copyright 2011 ABILITY Magazine
DIRECTOR OF BUSINESS AFFAIRSRyan Brown, JD
MARKETING/PROMOTIONSStan HoskinsAndrew Spielberg
NON-PROFITSABILITY Awareness/Fuller CenterHabitat for Humanity
6 HUMOR Love Hurts
8 ASHLEYS COLUMN Back in the Saddle
10 SEAN FORBES Can You Hear Me Now?
14 GUNSHOT WOUNDS Bullet Points
16 ABILITY BEST PRACTICES AWARD Sprint
18 BLIND FISHING BOAT New Fishermen Take the Bait
22 YAHOO Expanding the Digital Highway
32 REHABILITATION Hitting New Strides
38 TERRI CHENEY A Plea for Innocence
42 KATHY IRELAND A Model Businesswoman
50 HEART TRANSPLANT An Uncommon Cardiac Connection
54 LEIGH BRILL Excerpt From A Dog Named Slugger
60 CROSSWORD PUZZLE
63 EVENTS & CONFERENCES
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Terri Cheney p. 38
Sean Forbes p. 10
Rehabilitation p. 32
Ashley Fiolek p. 8
Kathy Ireland interview p. 42
The ABILITY Build programoutreaches to volunteerswith disabilities to helpbuild accessible homes forlow income families. We arecurrently seeking corpora-tions, organizations andchurches to sponsor morehomes. This award-winningprogram builds homes andawareness, changing thelives of everyone involved.
Finding that right somebody is hard. Some wouldsay its impossible. Im with that some. The twosexes are just so different. For instance, wheneverI wore one of my brothers shirts, he never cared. But,boy, youd think the world were ending if my sistercaught me wearing one of her skirts.
Even the charges on our credit cards reveal a world ofdifference. An itemized bill for a girl might list shoes,spas, and hair stylists. A mans? Hooters, Roids sportsbar and Home Depot. At least women have somethingto show for their purchases. All men have are somehangovers and a monkey wrench.
Even with all our differences, for whatever reason, menand women tend to seek each other out. We go out, ban-ter, small talk, tease, flirt, kiss and fight. Our hope is tofind that special someone with whom to spend a life-time. Or at least a couple of nights.
Ive been married twice. The first time was when I wassix years old. It only lasted a month. It was a bitterbreak up. My little five-year-old ex got the house inthe tree, full custody of my stuffed animals and halfmy toys. Eventually, the tree house was struck bylightning and the stuffed animals found their way toGoodwill. I still keep in touch with the puffy panda.
I vowed Id never get married again. I was wrong.Time, unfortunately, heals all wounds. My second mar-riage lasted seven years. I guess you could say I livedthrough The Great Depression. The day after thedivorce was final, my wife and I became friends. I knowI had faults. From the beginning of the marriage I start-ed sleeping around: on the couch, in the garage, in thedoghouse. It just depended how pissed off she was.
The other day I stopped by to see my ex-wife. I broughther some flowers: the little ones with the yellow petalsand the beige arsenic powder speckled on them. When Igot to her place, she was standing there holding her cat.My God, did that thing smell. She was hissing at me,her hair was all natty and she had fleas. Honestly, Idont how the cat could stand being around her.
Not that I was husband of the year. I would always forgetlittle things like taking out the trash, putting the toilet seatup or down, birthdays and anniversaries, coming home atnight. I think if I ever get married again Ill wed onChristmas Day. Whenever my wife says I forgot ouranniversary Ill say, No, I didnt! Remember that presentyou opened this morning? If I can find a girl who wasborn on December 25th, Ill be covered on all fronts.
And men, heres another thing to keep in mind whenyou start dating: the first present you get your lovershould be something simple. Like a pencil. Its best tokeep her expectations low. I once dated a girl for fiveyears, and on our fifth anniversary I got her a box kite.Had I gotten her that kite in the first year, I might belooking at buying her a pair of shoes on the fifth year.Go cheap early.
As in any relationship, there is a time to love and a timeto fight. Fighting happens quite a bit in a marriage. Ivealways thought a priest should never end a marriage cer-emony with, I now pronounce you husband and wife,but rather with, Lets get ready to rumble!
The eventual break-up of my marriage wasnt my fault,though. My wife actually ran off with my best friend. Tothis day, Ive never been able to thank him enough.Whenever your best friend dates your wife, I dont carewho you are, it puts a crimp in the relationship. Youspend half the day feeling sorry for him. Ive alwaysfound that marriage is the quickest way to a divorce.
I live in a condo, and Ive been seeing this girl for aboutthree months now who lives in the apartment across thestreet. But thats just cause I have a pair of binoculars.What can I say? I enjoy window shopping.
Its tough getting back out into the dating world. Iverecently had some crazy dates. I put up an ad on an on-line dating service. I was up-front, honest and truthful.I said I wanted an old-fashioned girl who would stay athome and cook and clean for me. I got one interestedresponse. It was from my mom. Maybe it was my pro-file picture of Tony Curtis that caught her eye.
I always wanted to find a girl just like my mom, but at thispoint Im willing to settle for any girl whos not my mom.
The last girl I went out with was not very bright.When I met her at the restaurant she was wearing bigwooden shoes. I asked her why she was wearing themand she replied, I thought you said we was going
H U M O R T H E R A P Y
Dutch tonight. Then, when we were looking at ourmenus, I asked her if she wanted to share something.She said, Okay, when I was ten I French kissed mybabysitter. I told her I meant share something off themenu. Eventually, when the food came, she just staredat her meal for twenty minutes. I asked her what shewas waiting for. She said she was just watching whatshe eats.
Sometime during the dinner she got up and went to thebathroom. As women are prone to do, she took herpurse with her. Now, ladies, how do you think thatmakes us guys feel, sitting there, with nothing to rum-mage through?
I like women of all shapes and sizes. I went out with achubby Oriental chick named Sue Wee. She was kindof shaped like Dodger Stadium, but thats just a ball-park figure. She was a really nice person, and it didntmatter that she had reverse anorexia. There was justmore to love. Much more.
As our relationship progressed, Sue threw out thatdreadful question: Do you think Im getting fat? Ididnt want to make her feel bad, so I softly strokedher hair and said, No honey, youve always been fat.She told me she had recently lost twenty pounds and Imade the mistake of gently responding, Look behindyou and youll find it. (I thought women liked hon-esty in a man.) All in all, I did feel something for her.It was like magic every time I saw her. Magic was theonly way I could explain how she got her butt intothose jeans.
I once dated a really skinny g