Abcs eBook

7/28/2019 Abcs eBook

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Table of Contents

PART ONE

Introduction ……………………………………………

What is Conscious Parenting & Discipline ………..

Why Change? …………………………………………..

Goals for Parents & Teachers ……………………….

Shift Your Perspective ….…………………………….Myths & Facts …...……………………………………..

PART TWO

Attachment & Attunement …………………………..

Brain Science & Child Development ………………..

Page 3

Page 4

Page 8

Page 9

Page 10Page 18

Page 23

Page 26



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Welcome to the ABC's of Conscious

Parenting & EducationThank you for signing up to receive this transformational e-book.

Conscious parenting and discipline is not a set of rules for adults to follow,

but a set of beliefs about children and what they need to develop and thrive.

I believe that children have the right to live free from physical punishment, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation

and without the fear caused by the use of shame blame judgment and guilt

My name is Lori Petro and I am the founder of TEACH through

Love, a children's advocacy organization and educational resource

for families, schools, and communities which I founded in 2002.

TEACH through Love promotes non-punitive, relationship-focused

discipline and encourages parents and teachers to refocus their efforts on social-emotional development and engaging authentically

with children from a place of curiosity, compassion and

conscious awareness.

The ABC‘s of Conscious Parenting & Education is a comprehensive

overview of the core principles behind the conscious discipline

paradigm. The ideas expressed in this e-book, about the brain andthe parent-child or teacher-child relationship, are supported by the

latest research in neuroscience and human development and will

guide you toward raising caring, cooperative and confident kids!



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What is Conscious Parenting & Discipline?

There are many names for different styles of discipline and

parenting and some may overlap in the general ideas about

discipline, talking to teens or infant-care while others have rigid

rules and regulations about what is appropriate or acceptable.

In essence, the conscious paradigm takes a relationship-

based view of parenting and discipline with a focus onrelationship building as the most effective path to influencing

children. It is a paradigm which does not compel or induce

behavior with:

critical evaluation or judgment

shame, blame or criticism

guilt or punitive measures praise/reward systems

Conscious discipline has no use for punishment, unnatural or adult-imposed consequences, time-outs, rewards,

bribes or sticker charts or other devices which the traditional paradigm suggests that you need to get children to

”do as you say.” However, while the conscious philosophy does not focus on punitive actions, it also does not

mean – no limits.

Limits are essential. Connection is vital.



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Building a relationship with a child is a process, a challenge and a journey toward healing and letting go of those

parts of yourself that are critical, limiting, judgmental or which otherwise deny your authentic being.

This is the gift children have to offer.

Will you accept it?

This e-book may raise more questions than it initially seems to answer. That's okay .

It takes more than one read-through of a 47-page report to integrate a new philosophy and shift your focus todiscovering what is driving children’s negative behavior, instead of solely trying to extinguish it.



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PART ONE



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Behavior = Communication

I want you to stop looking at children’s behavior as an indication of whether they are good or bad and instead

realize that children spend every minute of their day trying out new, workable strategies for exploring and meeting

their needs and behavior is their main mode of communication.

Children need unconditional love, support and emotional guidance as they learn to manage and understand their

frustration, excitement, disappointment, joy and hurt.

Behavior is a representation of what is going on internally with a child. Behaviors are the strategies children use

to meet basic needs which are valid and necessary. Inexperienced and having varying degrees of self-regulation,

children cannot always access ways of expressing their needs, which adults deem appropriate. It may help to

know that despite their sometimes unruly behaviors, their intentions are always honest .

Behaviors may not always be acceptable but the child must know that he and his emotions always are.

Blame, shame, judgment and guilt or invalidating, dismissing attitudes and critical remarks cause children todevelop a deep well of self-doubt about their thoughts, ideas and worth.

Principle #1: All behavior is purposeful communicat ion about what a person needs.



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Help is out there. You can visit the website or Facebook page daily and discover valuable insights or learn from

like-minded parents and teachers when you post your questions. You can also visit The Center for Nonviolent

Communication for more information about the theory and principles behind compassionate communication.

Why Change?

I am deeply committed to ending the use of punitive discipline and showing families, schools and communities

how to heal and connect through tolerance, compassion, authenticity and awareness and by showing them

the depth of intimacy and understanding which developing a strong relationship with children will bring.

My passion to educate and inspire does not come from a desire to tell anyone

how to parent or how to run their classroom but because I profoundly believe in this

model as the way to bring respect and peace back into our family and school systems.

I believe that when we change how we treat our children, we will change our world.

Big goals, I know. Thank you for your commitment to helping me with the shift!

Personally, my journey has been one of twists and turns and labels galore as I explored my authentic identity,

outside the family group I was raised in. Growing up, I had family, love and opportunity, but the one thing I never

had was a good relationship with my parents, nor a mentor teacher, whom I could count on .

I think back and I know that if the adults in my life had only had this information, they could have learned how to

create a relationship with me, enabling the soundness of their advice to have actually reached me.

http://www.teach-through-love.com/



http://www.facebook.com/TEAChthroughLove



http://www.cnvc.org/










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Have you‘ve seen parenting literature from 40, 50, or 100 years ago? It specifically advocated not allowing

emotions to influence your parental authority. The myth that emotions are for the weak has seeped into the

unconscious belief system of every adult in search of obedience through power . Past generations have not giventoo much particular attention to the idea that you must pay attention to how kids are feeling or that it is, in fact, a

necessary component to developing the brain’s most precious functions.

Goals for Conscious Parents & Teachers

We want kids who can …

Feel and process their feelings.

Problem-solve independently and creatively.

Self regulate and develop emotional flexibility.

Form healthy, intimate relationships with others.

Parenting is a Relationship.

Please remember, my goal is not to give you tools to help you make kids do what you want, when you want them

to do it or to help you change behavior with strict, unyielding rules or by disconnecting emotionally.

This introductory e-book is designed to bring you into awareness and help you make shifts in your family or

classroom that will guide you toward unlocking the mystery of children's behavior. This guide will show you how

you can begin to move through tough situations and powerful emotions and resolve conflict without resistance

or struggle, by changing your perspective





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Responsibility is the ability to respond .

It is our responsibility to guide, protect and teach children bymodeling the positive expression of emotions.

Before we can respond, there is a space. And in that space we have the

power to make a choice – and two basic emotions to draw from.

Will we choose love or fear?

Everything we feel that is negative: anger, frustration, dominance, impatience, control - comes from fear while

openness, empathy, consideration, care and happiness come from love.

When you react without awareness, you allow stress and fear and all those unconscious, painful memories to

cloud your thinking and impede your judgment. But in the now , you always have a choice.

When you’re in the present moment, you are neither concerned with the past nor fearful of the future. You can

take the space to regroup and model compassion and concern for children - all those things that you want them to

learn.

So what I want you to do is - make the shi f t .

Sometimes this requires a paradigm change, because again, we've allbeen raised in different cultures and home environments and then we

marry or we come together in communities and everybody has had a

THERE ARE ONLY 2 CHOICES

LOVE





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The behaviors children exhibit, which cause you to react or trigger you

into a state of dysregulation, are your clues about what needs healing.

1. Explore your childhood and reflect on those moments that defined your

emotional experiences which may be operating in your subconscious.

Delving in and acknowledging your past is important.

2. Identify your current beliefs about children and your views about your

role as a parent or teacher.

3. Write down your long-term goals for your family or classroom.

What qualities do you want to develop in your children?

4. Take time for self-reflection and practice stress management and self-empathy.

5. Commit to becoming aware of your language and attitude as you go about your daily interactions withyour children without getting lost in the hustle and bustle of trying to get everybody off to school on time.

Once you come to integrate your personal history and you learn the science behind this discipline model, you

will come to understand and know how to address the motivation that drives behavior.

You will know how to calm the situation by acknowledging fears, feelings and needs and you will not be able to

look at your children or students and their behaviors (or your role as a parent or teacher) in the same way again!

You will have found a better way through relationship!

http://www.teach-through-love.com/support-files/2-stress-regulation.pdf






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Once you see that arrow, you'll never again

pass a fed-ex truck without seeing the arrow!

That is what making the shift from fear to love-based, conscious discipline is like.

How is the traditional paradigm of discipline different?

Much of the traditional advice about discipline strategies for parents and educators comes from…

Outdated behavioral theories

Traditional, dominant ideas and control

Fear-based thinking

Old Parenting Paradigm

I sometimes refer to traditional paradigm as the old parenting paradigm.

The old parenting paradigm is based on conditional love which uses punishment fear control or behavior

http://www.teach-through-love.com/old-parenting-paradigm.html






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Guess what?

It takes 25 years to grow a human brain but we struggle to get it all done by age seven with perfect kids who cansit still, play “nicely” and quietly accept all uncomfortable experiences with no negative expression.

To conform to such social expectations is an unrealistic goal

for parents and teachers to set for themselves and their children.

The old paradigm also makes use of a lot of (often unconscious) judgment and guilt. Not discernment but

judgment that uses shame, blame or guilt to evaluate or approve of children and to deem them as good or bad

based on their behavior .

Children will come to view themselves through the filter that you design.

He’s such a good baby. (because he was quiet and didn’t interrupt an adult centered event) She always makes me proud. (because she made A’s on her report card)

She can’t sit still.

He’s a trouble-maker.

Your brother would never do that.

You make me so angry.

I guess I can’t trust you.

Other disconnecting statements include:



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We'll get into more about dysregulation and the brain in a little bit.

For now, I just want to explore the old paradigm and its theory of discipline through control. Adult reactions, often

punitive, are used to make kids adhere to rules and regulations, despite each unique situation and without first

acknowledging the unmet needs or unheard feelings being communicated through behavior .

NEEDS DRIVE BEHAVIOR

This is a very important concept to understand and master.

The old paradigm uses punishment because it seems immediate and impactful. While logical consequences are

favored as a tool to change behavior , they still result in disconnection. Adhering to a continuum of control -

rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior is neither appropriate nor effective.

Respect for authority is a guiding principle of the traditional paradigm. Respect is often demanded or gained

through fear and force of will rather than earned through a mutually beneficial relationship.

Disclaimer: I am not against instilling discipline, teaching rules or setting limits. What I want is for you to

not arbitrarily assign limits for convenience or your own comfort but to take the time to be in the

discomfort with your child and show him how to make it through.

I want you to use the 5-step TEACH tool for peaceful conflict resolution so that you can connect before

you direct Do this and you will experience your influence grow in strength as will your relationship and

http://www.teach-through-love.com/teach-tool.html








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Respect for all

The needs and feelings of everyone matter in the conscious paradigm. It's not about coddling children but aboutteaching them how to manage their emotions and respect other people by respecting them.

The Conscious Paradigm believes all people are deserving of respect from the tiniest tots to our grandparents’

grandparents. Everybody deserves to be treated with kindness, especially children, regardless of age or behavior.

Respecting children does not mean you approve of all behavior . It means that you know that behavior is not

representative of the children's "character" but of their skill level and ability (or inability) to meet needs in

acceptable ways.

Soon, you will have gained enough awareness to know that compassion is the ONLY WAY to teach children

about responsibility, creative problem-solving and to achieving optimal brain development.

Myths & Facts

As we stated earlier, there are many different parenting or

discipline styles. Some have been the subject of endless debate

and opinion. Conscious parenting and discipline is not immune tothis. There has been a lot of misinformation, misinterpretation and

distortion of facts about what conscious, non-punitive discipline is.



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2. Conscious parenting and discipline gives children the control in a situation.

I think adults are often afraid of being manipulated by children's emotions but children don’t manipulate in the waythat adults think about manipulation. Children have a natural life-giving urge to meet their core needs and please

others and they do so with honest intentions. They're not out to try and ruin your plans or make you mad. They're

honestly out to seek joy and have fun, explore and interact and learn how to "be" in the world.

Sometimes it feels like manipulation because our own fears are triggering us into perceiving their intentions

through a clouded lens as deceitful. If you feel like your child or student is deliberately is pushing your buttons,

then ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” When you practice self-empathy, you can choose to condition a new

pattern of responding to children's behavior.

3. Conscious parenting and discipline is easier and less involved than traditional

methods.

This type of parenting and discipline requires attuned responses, adjusting your expectations and allowingchildren to express emotions without fear or judgment. It is not permissive and there no expectations that you

let your kids do whatever they want all the time. You don’t let them scream at people or hit people or let them run

all over the school-yard going crazy and having absolutely no self-control.

It takes a commitment to awareness and consistency to develop influence and discipline children gently and

lovingly as they learn to regulate, manage conflict and express emotions in constructive ways.

4. Conscious parenting and discipline consists of a set of rules / techniques to follow.



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5. Conscious parenting and discipline is unrealistic and doesn’t teach kids about the“real world.”

Disciplining consciously can be difficult and challenging but it is not unrealistic. It prepares children to deal with life

by strengthening their ability to be responsive, to relate to others and be accountable for their own emotions.

Parenting or teaching with unconditional love and empathy requires you to consider children's developmental

stage when setting limits and rejects the idea that you must maintain control through dominance. It is about

nurturing the soul, raising creative, caring people who have developed the emotional literacy to fully access their

personal power.

Having a vocabulary and knowing the language of emotions is crucial. Kids must know what their feelings are and

how to connect with their bodies to manage strong emotions. Otherwise they resort to using force, aggression

or threats to feel better or to meet their basic needs.

Emotions that are not expressed will be stored in the bodily memory. Children come into this world with so many

emotions that well up unexpectedly and they have no idea what they are or how to express them in positive ways.

Emotional flexibility is developed through interaction.

Conscious parenting and discipline requires connection and creativity. There is no one magic answer to child-

rearing or behavior challenges or to every child, family or school conflict because every situation is unique.

You have to be intuitive. Identify the need, connect with the feelings and then problem-solve together.



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Choose relationship over control and compliance.

The conscious paradigm focuses on developing strong relationships and thus cooperation naturally followsthrough the uncritical observation and acknowledgment of feelings and needs. It relies on patience, tolerance,

non-judgment, connection, support and creative problem-solving to establish healthy relationships with children.

Discipline that models criticism, shame, evaluations, rewards, punishment or expectations of obedience does not

support adults or children. It does not support families and schools logically or emotionally and that is why so

many parents, teachers and childcare workers are frustrated , because they are constantly being misdirected to

change behavior instead of deciphering the message that behavior is communicating .

Cooperation grows when you have an unconditional bond with your children or students; a bond which is built on

a foundation of trust and without the fear of rejection or criticism of emotions.

Now for the nitty-gritty of Conscious Parenting & Education

1. Attachment & Attunement

2. Brain Science & Child Development

3. Compassionate Communication



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PART TWO



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A Attachment & Attunement

B Brain Science & Child Development







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Brain Science

A basic understanding of how the human brain develops is acrucial factor in identifying with the truth behind this disciplinemodel. We must look at how the brain develops becauseresearch has shown that traditional discipline methods like punishment and punitive discipline actually inhibit theconditions necessary for the pre-frontal cortex or higher brainthinking to develop because punishment and punitivediscipline actually induce stress and raise the level of fear our

children feel, thus affecting brain function.

We cannot learn under stress or fear . I am not telling younot to teach life lessons but I am telling you that kids aredefinitely not learning if you are threatening consequences or taking away their things or your love or attention, becausethe rational part of their brain, the part responsible for makinggood decisions, goes off-line under these conditions. If thebrain is off-line, it’s not growing – it’s maintaining.

There is no cognitive, thoughtful consideration of consequences if children are afraid or feeling pressured to

resolve their feelings quickly, leaving them with no choice but to:

a. Do what they’re told despite their internal conflict, ignoring their authentic self.

b. Follow their instincts and risk losing affection, attention, approval or love.



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The brain science surrounding human development has really exploded in the last twenty years and it's almost

impossible to continue perpetuating traditional paradigm thinking once you understand a few key facts about the

brain.

Our brains develop from the back to the front and from the inside-out.

We are born with all the nerve cells we'll ever need, over 100 billion,

but they are very small and largely unconnected to the different parts

of the brain.

Children are born with about 25% of their brain developed and it's all in

the lower brain region – the Survival Center is fully developed at birth.

AGE: Bi rth to age 1. I nfants are born with the lower brain intact.

The Survival Center is fully developed at birth and handles all the basic autonomic instinctsand functions to sustain life and movement: breathing, digestion, heart rate, sleep, fight, flight or freeze.

Infants operate from the survival center because they only have access to the lower brain connections.

Infants have no ability to self-soothe or self-regulate their emotions or manage or cope with their

distress until they have experienced attuned responses to their needs.

They MUST rely on an attached caregiver to lend their coping abilities. The ability to cope with our

emotions is located in higher regions of the brain and babies and young children (especially under 6)

have not yet made the proper connections to support these skills.



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AGE: M iddle Chi ldhood thr ough the Teenage Years

The Executive Center of the brain has a development phase that spans childhood but thereare noticeable jumps in development around age six, eleven and again at around age fifteen. This part of

the brain, the pre-frontal cortex which we call the Executive Center, is divided into two hemispheres, the

left (logic/sequence) and the right (emotional/intuitive), which are responsible for the skills of self-

regulation, decision making, planning, sequential thought, logic, reasoning, empathy,

compassion, problem-solving and creativity.

These “higher brain functions” continue to develop throughout life and predominately until around the age

of 25. This is why car insurance rates go down after age 25, because we are less likely to make poor

decisions and get into an accident and the insurance companies know this!

The Executive Center is a huge part of the brain that handles many functions which we often assume is a

skill-set available to young children. However they simply don’t have the brain -power to always fulfill our

expectations of good planning and making sound decisions.

Children have limited and inefficient access to the executive center functions and they develop along their own

unique timeline. The one constant is that when kids (or adults) get upset, cognitive function goes off-line!

There is no access to the higher brains regions when we are in fear or under stress.

Children do not need to be trained, they need to be recognized for their potential and supported with

consistency, nonjudgmental feedback and unconditional love in order to successfully shape their brains from

immature and disorganized structures to efficient working systems



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Let’s talk about stress and trauma.

I know I have mentioned the words stress, trauma, regulationand dysregulation but let’s clarify their meanings.

Regulation is the ability to remain calm, focused

and relaxed under stressful or uncertain circumstances.

Dysregulation is the inability to maintain emotions at a tolerable

level during times of stress. It is the state of fear outside your window

of tolerance where you may act irrationally, aggressive or withdraw fromuncertain or stressful situations.

Stress is any demand for change on the mind/body which requires adequateresources to successfully navigate the situation. The physiological response is

activation of the stress response system, which releases hormones like cortisol

and adrenaline as a way to energize the body, motivate you to action and reset

the central nervous system.

Trauma is what happens if there are prolonged, overwhelming or

unpredictable stressful events that happen repeatedly over time. This can



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This can be extremely damaging to the body and brain if it occurs repeatedly because a little cortisol goes a longway. If the stress-response is elicited too often, then the body adjusts and begins to compensate by maintaininghigher levels of cortisol in the body’s natural state.

This interferes with every system in the body: immune function, sleep patterns, reproduction, digestion, brain

function and if it happens too often or for too long, it creates the experience of trauma.

Where does stress come from?

Understanding what stress is and how it affects behavior will help you shift your perspective of children’s behavior from perceived disobedience and defiance to what it really is – an emotional reaction to fear and stress.

Negative behavior arises from an unconscious place of fear – a state of stress. In between a triggering stressful

event and behavior lie two primary emotions and also the chance to respond from them: fear or love.

The stress-response is an important survival mechanism but parental fear, unpredictable behaviors, inappropriate

expectations and inconsistent responses to children will cause anxiety and more acute stress responses.

In the conscious paradigm, noticing your own stress response system plays an important role in developing your

awareness. How well are you able to attune to children to teach them how to regulate their emotions?

Yel l ing, Threatening,

Arguing, Force,

Dismiss ing, Punish ing

Empathy, Concern,Regulation, Suppo rt,

Creativi ty, Awareness



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Our automatic thoughts are triggered by our emotions

and can come from fear or they can come from love.

We always have a choice.

In this space, we have the chance to choose a different path than our parents chose with us.

We can choose to be conscious in our recognition of the child’s experience and therefore aware of the reality

of what we all really need – validation and recognition. Once we make the decision to respond from love or

fear , what follows are behaviors which arise from our desire to meet our needs and match our state of being.

Love centered behaviors

Empathy

Concern

Self-regulationValidation of needs

Acknowledgment of feelings

Patience

Problem-solving

Attunement

Fear centered behaviors

Yelling, screaming and threatening

Slamming doors

ComparingCriticizing

Isolation

Shame, blame or guilt

Punishing

Withdrawal of love

All of the harsh things we say or do to kids (listed in the right column above), come from fear .

When we feel the need to immediately change or control a child's behavior it does not spring forth from the desire



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You can see from this image how very responsible we are for growing children’s brains.

On the left is the brain scan of a typically developing three-year-old and on the right , the brain scan of a child who

has experienced extreme neglect. Not physical neglect like “food and water ” deprivation, this was emotional

neglect due to a lack of touch, attention, interaction and affection.

Obviously, I am not suggesting that traditional discipline will cause a brain to grow like the one pictured above but,

what I am asking is for you to recognize how much you contribute to children’s overall brain development.

“Childhood Experience and the Expression of Genetic Potential: What Childhood

Neglect Tells Us About Nature and Nurture.” Brain and Mind 3: 79-100, 2002

© Dr. Bruce Perry 2005



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Child Development

Appropriate Expectations

We spoke earlier of paradigms and how our filters are established. As children grow they are creating their filter, a

blueprint that will organize their systems of thought, memory, beliefs and emotions.

Respect children’s unique developmental stage and timeline.

Child development unfolds uniquely for each child and having

developmentally appropriate expectations will help you feel

less frustration and take children’s behavior less personally.

Keeping your expectations reasonable will create more

connection and trust. You will be able to identify what kids need

and make suggestions or use guidance that matches their age,

specific temperament and most importantly, their stage of development which may differ from their chronological age.

Self-regulation and socially acceptable behaviors take time to

develop. Despite giving the appearance of a collected and

resourceful ten-year-old, a child is not necessarily capable of

always relying on rational thought or considering outcomes.

When faced with an exciting or risky situation, the

inexperienced or overly emotional brain is not going to have

access to the higher cognitive functions like sequential thought,



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Learning is inherently social and emotional.

All learning and brain development requires the repetition of repeated experiences. Children learn best and they

remember most when the learning is accompanied by social interaction. That is why we get down on the

floor with kids and teach them things. We don’t want to bark commands from across the room all the time.

Learning that is boring or stressful is not effective. Likewise, if kids are in a state of fear or dysregulated,

learning is impossible.

Learning requires connection and consistency.

At every stage of their development, kids alternate between needing to be autonomous and needing your

unconditional love and support and to know there is a secure “home base.” Sometimes children need to be close

and connected and at other times they want to go off and explore alone.

During these phases, they need to know that we are not going to abandon them to spark their independence but

that we are actually going to remain close and connected to support their independence and to help them

t iti i t bli ti



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B Brain Science & Child Development



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Compassionate Communication

Compassionate communication is a foundational principle of the philosophy of the conscious parenting anddiscipline and the process by which adults create cooperative relationships with children by speaking with respect

and responding with empathy to children’s thoughts and ideas.

Communication that is heart-centered empowers YOU to connect with children through deep listening (empathy)

and emotional attunement. Using language that acknowledges feelings and needs is a critical step which creates

a vocabulary of emotions for children to use to express his feelings and needs positively .

I’d like to help you re-frame how you speak to children, not just with your words but with your whole

body.

95% of human behavior is unconscious. 80% of communication is non-verbal.

This means that there is a lot going on wi thout anyone needing to say very much

or be qui te conscious of what they are saying with their body language.

We want to look at our unconscious behaviors and ask ourselves, “What am I saying ?”

Are you modeling attuned conscious responses to stress, disappointment and change or are you modeling anger,

impatience, frustration and negative reactions like blame, guilt, throwing things or being unnecessarily critical?

Whatever kids experience is what they will give back to



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Whether children’s needs be for autonomy, fun, play, exploration, meaning, purpose or connection, behaviors arealways driven by some basic underlying human need. Ice cream is not a basic need, but the need to recreate aritual or something special , well, that really is a valid need, not to be dismissed or judged.

The trick is identifying needs and distinguishing them from desires.

For example, a child who wants to go to the mall alone has need .

The mall is the desire.

It is the behavioral action which the child is using to strategize meeting the real need.

The actual need may be for connection with peers or for inclusion, space or privacy with friends. These are all

valid needs that need to be acknowledged regardless of the effectiveness of the initial strategy.

So, instead of saying to the child: “No, you can’t go to the mall because you’re too young to go without an adult .”

If you first start by acknowledging what need the child is trying to accomplish, you’ll be able to move towards astate of cooperation encountering much less resistance than if you immediately cut off her ideas with an abrupt,

“No, not happening” or a judgmental response. Even if your reasons are logical, they may be resisted if it’s not

prefaced with a foundation of emotional understanding.

When you have to set limits, children may not always agree or be happy with your decisions but they will at least

feel heard because you took the time to validate and empathize by attuning to their experience and being willing

to understand their true intentions and recognize their need to resolve it on their own terms.

St t t b h i f f i ti d t t t t b i h d d



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What is empathy?

Empathy literally translates as “in feeling,” It is the ability to share another person’s experiences and emotions andto see the world through their viewpoint. Empathy also involves the ability to understand that people havedifferent ideas from ours.

Empathy i s ref lecting back what you hear the other person saying.

Some people have beliefs that may be different from ours and this is a “cognitive” component of empathy that is

not available to young children. I recommend that you don’t try to convince, plead. Legitimize or rationalize with

children about situations they can’t accept because they probably don’t yet have the capacity to understand that

people can have different ideas about the world without it infringing on their experience.

They are just too young. It is only through the witnessing and receiving of empathy that they can develop this

awareness of others.

Empathy builds connection.

It builds relationship and creates safety.

It is a vital part of effective communication.

It aids brain development by forming and strengthening the pathways to the higher brainfunctions.

When we provide empathy to children we actually help grow their brains. We connect the neural cells that theyneed to access these regions of the brain and to develop their emotional intelligence.

What does empathy do?



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Ever tell a friend a story and s/he immediately jumps in saying, “Oh, the same thing happened to me!” and then

goes on to tell his/her own story while you’re left unacknowledged or perhaps too kind to interrupt and say so?

That’s not empathy.

Empathy is really listening and saying “Wow, t hat sounds as though it was really frightening.” Or “ I imagine that was frustrating!" Or " That must have been marvelous!” Empathy requires you to let go of your own perspective inorder to help another feel safe in expressing or processing their experience.

Self -Empathy

Self-empathy is also a crucial body-awareness practice to develop.

Th is 5-step process reconnects you to yourself !

1. Reflect on what you are feeling.

2. Reveal your unmet needs.

3. Allow yourself to feel the sensations of stress/anger or whatever you ’re feeling in the moment.

4. Identify what triggered your emotion and what your unmet needs are.

5. Create a new vision - a new situation based on what you have discovered.

This process is important to your ability to regulate.

When you get upset, you can’t r espond to children, effectively. You can only react. So, you must begin to practicethe steps of self-empathy. Don’t be fooled. You can know all about self-empathy cognitively but, if you don’t

actually practice compassion for yourself and others, nothing is ever going to change.



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Emotional Intelligence

Self-regulation – the ability to manage your emotionsand calm yourself during stress.

Self-awareness – the ability to intuit the emotions of others and to use your intuition or inner knowing tomake decisions or assess situations.

Empathy – the process of attuned, deep listening.

Social competence and interpersonal skill – the ability to form and maintain healthyrelationships and creatively manage conflict with others.

Emotional intelligence depends on the different areas of the brain working together. A child’s neural network is a

work in progress The circuitry that allows kids to calm themselves pay attention attune to the feelings and needs

Emotional development is the foundation from which all other learning will flourish. Research has found that our emotions play a

much greater role in our thought processes, decision making and

individual success than previously thought.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, use, interpret and

manage emotions with a set of skills including:



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If you weren’t shown a lot of empathy growing up,

you’re not necessarily going to be able to give a lot of empathy.

Ask yourself,

“Did I feel secure, loved, heard and validated growing up

or did I feel scared, lonely, controlled and anxious?”

To build emotional intelligence, you must be willing to let go of painful experiences from the past.

You can do this by journaling, meditation, practicing self-

empathy, mindfulness, and through therapy. Some people

choose massage, sports, music, foot reflexology, body work,

EFT, yoga, etc.

All of these tools will help you begin to see children without your

fears and past experiences distorting your view of the situation.

Become free of those automatic unconscious behavioral

patterns that we set up long ago and are subconsciously

influencing how you react to others, especially children.

Developing your emotional intelligence will allow you to better

intuit children’s needs, it will help you feel more connected and



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How can I change my child’s behavior?

This is the #1 question asked by most parents and teachers . The problem with this question is not in its

intention. We want to be able to set limits, we want acceptable behavior and we want children to make appropriate

choices.

But instead of asking, “How can I change behavior?”

These are the questions that will help you guide children toward being able to reflect on their behavior as you

build the brain’s circuitry and move them from a state of fear and dysregulation to a place of love, where you can

then access the creative intuitive you who displays compassion and acceptance with ease, which down deep, is

all anyone really wants anyway.

Remember, behavior is a communication.

Try this perspective:

What is driving my child’s behavior?

How can I help my child?

How can I help my child regulate?

How can I model problem-solving to meet the needs of everyone?



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You can set a limit like “No Couch Jumping” while still remaining sensitive and empathetic to the child’s needs and

by not criticizing or judging his choice of strategy.

What do you say instead?

This goes so much furt her than yelling across the room…

“Get off the couch, I told you three times already.”

“You’re going to go to your room if you don’t listen.

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

“If I have to ask you again, that’s it - no birthday party!”

“Did you hear what I just said?”

“Look at your brother! You’re setting a bad example.” “Is this how good girls/boys act?”

“Yes it’s fun to jump on the couch!”

“The cushions are cushy and give a good bounce.”

“I can see you need to jump to feel better.”

“It’s not okay to jump here because it makes our couch dirty but I will help you find a safe place to

play and get out that energy .”



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Final Thoughts…

The circuits in a child’s developing brain are born ready to connect and strengthen. But science has found that itis our experiences and not solely our DNA that determine how our genes will be expressed. Children’s early

emotional experiences will largely determine their view of the world and their ability to relate to others.

Children’s unique perspectives and the trust and security they feel in the world are shaped by the responses they

receive from the primary adults in their lives. The ability to develop into their full potential depends on US.

Human connection, modeling and consistency are necessary.

Optimal brain development depends on integrating

all three of the ABC’s of Conscious Parenting & Education

Punishment & Praise

I’ll briefly touch on why there is no punishment or excessive

use of empty praise or positive reinforcement.

There have been several studies attempting to discover

what motivates people. It turns out that punishment, praise

and rewards (extrinsic motivators such as stickers, reward

charts, verbal praise, treats, toys, money, trips, removal of

privileges, etc.) actually reduce a child’s intrinsic (internal)

motivation to do things on their own As adults we need to



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Boundaries & Consequences

Physical or emotional control, punishment, consequences, rewards and praise are all outdated models of

discipline which put our focus on the wrong thing! Controlling behaviors at the expense of developing self-control

of the internal upset, which is always the source of negative behavior, increases stress and struggle.

Chi ldren need boundar ies but they also need to be heard and validated.

When children are upset, they need to be reconnected with love – not more directions, advice or reprimands.

The lessons must wait unti l everyone is regul ated and receptive.

When you meet children in their space of fear, when you step outside your boundary of control and engage

children where they are in the moment and provide love and empathy, then everyone feels safe enough to

move back within the boundary of positive, acceptable behaviors because they feel connected! When love hasmoved you back – you don’t need to impose fear or the threat of consequences.

Because you have relationship!

The traditional view of discipline is focused on behavior and relies on

the left hemisphere of the higher brain where logic and control

reside, in the cognitive part of the brain.

The Conscious Paradigm is relationship-focused and requires us to



The TEACH Tool - 5-Step Conflict Resolution Process

Practice self-empathy to regulate your own feelings. What am I feeling/needing? What is happening?What events may have led to this situation? State the situation without judgment or an evaluation.

Get down on your child’s level. (don’t bark commands from across the room) Make eye contact and notice

your own body language and tone. Approach the situation with curiosity and use loving words to connect.

“I can tell by your words that you are very angry.” “It must be difficult to be excluded by your friends.”

What is my child feeling? (frustration, disconnection, fear) What is my child needing? (attention, affection,

acceptance, appreciation, autonomy) “I’m wondering if you are feeling…” or “It looks like you might be

needing…” V alidate needs and feelings. “ You are frustrated at being interrupted .” “You were expecting a

different outcome.” “You are sad that it’s time to leave the park.”

Connect with your child using your words, body language and physical contact. (validation, space, a hug,cuddle or removal from area for safety) Problem Solve with your child - how can we heal together?

Investigate the feelings/needs of others. “How do you think our friend is feeling?”

How do you feel after resolving a conflict with your child? Do you feel defeated, angry, worn out or

empowered, connected and loving? How does your child feel? Understood, loved, heard? You can tell if

you are aligned with your authentic self by how you feel? Don’t be afraid to apologize to your child or

“heal a disconnect” if necessary. © 2011 TEACH through LOVEwww teach-through-love com

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