A Symphony of Women

8/9/2019 A Symphony of Women

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A Symphony of Women

copyright © 2003 by Linda KarneyAll rights reserved.

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ontents

!age

1. "oonshine and Spilled Water #

2. $ea%s &ance '

3. Keep A(ay )rom hildren 1#

#. *hro+gh Sara%s Senses 1'

,. *he !ainting 23

-. onfronting im 32

/. While e *a+ght ha+cer 3/

'. S(ept lean #0

. Wing Waler ##

10. &rining Li+id Amethysts ,2



"oonshine and Spilled Water

*he nec of the cello lay bac against her lie t(o lovers c+ddling on a porch s(ing. *he fingers of her left

hand sipped +p and do(n the instr+ment4s nec frolicing on a familiar path. er right arm s(ept bac and

forth in gracef+l yet erratic movements no( (ith an impish +icness no( deliberately slo(. *he girl4s fair

face (as s+ff+sed (ith rapt+re. er eyes (ere half5closed no longer taing notice of the narro( bedroom (here

she sat on a creay (ooden stool. An old t(eed s+itcase s+atted on the floor nearby lie a pet ordered to 6stay4.

*he nocing on the door had been going on for some time before the room4s occ+pant finally responded to it.

With a fro(n of regret she caref+lly disengaged herself from the cello and lay it +pon the bed the headstoc

nestling into the soft pillo( lie a h+man head. *he girl padded to the door and opened it.

7Andie89 cried a beaming girl revealed in the door(ay. She had golden hair p+lled bac in a ponytail that

bo+nced as she literally :+mped +p and do(n a co+ple of times before attacing her friend (ith an energetic h+g.

*he girl she had referred to as Andie accepted the h+g (ith e+animity. 7When did yo+ get bac from )lorida;9

7<+st this afternoon. "other insisted that = had to help +npac and eat dinner before = came over.9 *he girl

pa+sed as she spotted the s+itcase. 7>o+4re really doing it; >o+4re going;9

7*omorro( morning on the first train.9

7= still can4t believe it8 = mean = (as in the school orchestra too b+t = never too it serio+sly. = never tho+ght yo+

did either Andie9 the girl remared ga?ing at her friend more earnestly.



7!lease call me Andrea9 Andrea replied as gracio+sly as she co+ld. 7Andie9 :+st didn4t seem appropriate to her

anymore. 7= didn4t tae m+sic serio+sly +ntil this s+mmer. = spent so m+ch time brooding abo+t <ohn moving

a(ay that by the time = looed for a s+mmer :ob it (as too late. <ohn4s father had him (oring so hard he (as

only able to drive do(n for one visit. And yo+ (ere a(ay. So = started spending more and more time practicing

my cello. Sometimes = (o+ld play +ntil my fingers (ere so sore = tho+ght they4d bleed. )eel the call+ses =4ve

b+ilt +p on them89 she said pro+dly offering her left hand to her friend.

er friend d+tif+lly r+bbed her fingers b+t made no remar abo+t their condition. 7>o+ (ere bored and needed

something to do. $+t does that mean the cello sho+ld become yo+r life4s (or;9

7o( can = e@plain (hat my m+sic has come to mean to me;9 Andrea ased looing abo+t the cramped room as

if the ans(er lay some(here in its physical space. 7=t4s as if the strings of the cello have become my one tr+e

voice. = can only reveal my inner self thro+gh them.9

7*hat4s (onderf+l9 her friend replied as if mollifying a child. 7$+t yo+4ve been sitting here alone in yo+r room

(ith no one to hear yo+. emember the s+mmer = bo+ght the so+ndtrac to that m+sical and (e performed it

over and over for o+rselves; We tho+ght (e (ere terribly talented and (ere going to be great actresses89

7=4ve played for "r. hodes. e thins = sho( promise9 Andrea anno+nced her lips t(itching as she tried to

hold bac a :oyf+l grin.

7eally;9 her friend said sining caref+lly do(n on the edge of the bed. er (eight ca+sed the cello to tilt

slightly to(ard Andrea as if something in the conversation had a(oen its interest. 7"r. hodes (as al(ays so

negative to +s all. &id he really say yo+ had promise;9

7>es9 Andrea replied her grin e@panding. 7Bot only that he recommended a teacher for me in Be( >or. =f =

(or hard eno+gh and if =4m very l+cy = might event+ally be able to mae it into <+lliard.9



er friend sat (ith head bo(ed as if she needed to m+ll over this ne( information at length. er eyes s+ddenly

so+ght o+t Andrea4s face. 7=f yo+ go a(ay yo+4ll lose <ohn9 she (arned certain Andrea m+st not have tho+ght

of this.

7=4ve lost him already9 Andrea replied impassively ga?ing o+t the (indo(. 7= called and told him (e (ere

thro+gh. = don4t (ant to leave any loose ends behind me.9

7<+st before school ended yo+ told me yo+ tho+ght yo+4d marry him someday9 her friend replied acc+singly as

if Andrea had lied.

7= still may marry him some day. = love <ohn. $+t he (as a(ay and his absence allo(ed me to discover the

precio+s gift = (as given. Bo( = have to follo( thro+gh (ith my advent+re and see (here it leads me9 Andrea

e@plained sitting bac +pon the stool and clasping her hands bet(een her legs in a childlie manner.

er friend shoo her head in disbelief. 7What did yo+r mother say (hen yo+ told her (hat yo+4re doing;9

7She told me she didn4t (ant me to (aste my life on 6moonshine and spilled (ater49 Andrea replied.

7What;9 her friend e@claimed la+ghing gleef+lly. 7Where did she get that from;9

7!robably one of her boos. >o+ no( (hat a reader she is9 Andrea said.

7So (hat did yo+ say in reply;9

7= told her spilled (ater is of no conse+ence9 Andrea said as she reached over and sh+t off the only lamp in

the room that sat +pon a nightstand near the (indo(. !allid moonlight seeped thro+gh the glass panes changing



the faded bl+e bedspread beneath the cello to a radiant (hiteness and ca+sing provocative shado(s to trail from

almost every m+ndane ob:ect in the small bedroom. er friend ga?ed aro+nd in (onder at the transformation.

7"oonshine can mae life more magical9 Andrea anno+nced. *hen she piced +p her precio+s instr+ment and

settled on the stool to play.

7Ah89 her friend remared in +nderstanding after she had heard Andrea4s tr+e voice.



$ea4s &ance

Almost as soon as she entered the ho+se she heard it 5 “Eee Eee9 5 more lie the bleating of an animal than a

h+man voice. *he so+nd both relieved and ve@ed her. She rarely left her h+sband alone lie this and she (as

relieved that he (as apparently all right b+t at the same time she co+ld have +sed a moment in (hich to p+t her

coat and p+rse a(ay before being s+mmoned. She d+mped them h+rriedly onto the armchair in the living room

and headed do(n the hall toting a heavy plastic bag.

$ea had closed the thic c+rtains before leaving in hopes that her h+sband (o+ld sleep (hile she (as o+t. =f he

had slept he (as alert no( as she sa( (hen she t+rned on the bedside lamp. er h+sband "arty (as in his late

si@ties b+t looed even older d+e to poor health. is sparse hair had all gone (hite and his face (as emaciated

and oddly devoid of e@pression. Cnly his large bro(n eyes still had a vitality that testified to the fortit+de of the

so+l (ithin. is ga?e darted to the plastic bag in $ea4s hands and lingered there hopef+lly.

7>es = got it9 she anno+nced seating herself caref+lly on the edge of the bed. She (as a short (oman and her

legs dangled above the floor lie a yo+ng girl4s. 7=t4s +sed b+t they g+arantee it (ill (or properly 7 she said

reaching into the bag p+lling o+t a small handg+n and holding it +p in a shay hand for him to see.

7Dh9 he gr+nted in approval. Since his second stroe "arty hadn4t been able to form (ords properly. Cnly $ea

(as able to derive meaning from some of the g+tt+ral so+nds that emanated from his throat.

$ea laid the g+n on the bed and p+lled a bo@ o+t of the plastic bag. 7*he b+llets (ere on sale9 she said

regrettably choosing to lift the bo@ by the lid. &+e to the (eight of the b+llets the bottom section of the bo@ fell

o+t and tipped over ca+sing shiny cylinders to t+mble over the bedspread.

7Ch dear89 $ea e@claimed righting the bo@ and beginning to deliberately collect the scattered b+llets one by



one and re5stac them in neat ro(s.

7Dh5+h. Dh5+h89 "arty gr+nted. $ea looed +p and met his imploring bro(n eyes (ith her pale bl+e ones.

7= g+ess this isn4t important right no(9 she agreed t+rning and p+shing stren+o+sly (ith the palms of both

hands against the mattress +ntil she (as able to stand. *hen taing +p the g+n and a fe( b+llets she (aled

caref+lly to(ard the dresser on her arthritic legs. er method of locomotion (as as graceless as that of someone

on stilts as she rarely bent her nees. When she reached the dresser she opened the g+n chamber and loaded the

b+llets as the shopeeper had sho(n her. She p+shed the chamber bac into place. 7=t4s ama?ing ho( someone

co+ld come +p (ith a contraption lie this9 she r+minated as she re5crossed the room. *his time she proceeded

to the other side of the bed the side +ncl+ttered by spare b+llets and settled herself slo(ly in a sidesaddle

position facing the headboard (ith one leg hanging over the side. She ga?ed at the g+n in her hand for a long

time.

7>o+4re s+re this is (hat yo+ (ant "arty;9 she ased leaning over so that she co+ld catch her h+sband4s eye

from her ne( position.

7Dh5h+h +h5h+h89 he replied in his most enth+siastic manner.

7= don4t (ant yo+ to be so +nhappy9 $ea said bending f+rther to iss "arty4s cool ga+nt chee. 7We4ve had a

good life. *here (ere some trying moments 5 = (on4t lie to yo+ 5 b+t = don4t regret anything. >o+ (ere a good

h+sband to me.9

"arty ga?ed at her so tenderly she almost began to cry. =nstead she resol+tely raised the g+n and placed the

barrel against his left temple. She lo(ered it again almost immediately. 7&id yo+ pray;9 she ased.

"arty closed his eyes for a moment. $ea too the opport+nity to say a +ic prayer herself asing for



forgiveness and a steady hand.

"arty reopened his eyes. 7Eh5e9 he said.

7lose yo+r eyes9 $ea ordered. When he had done so she raised the g+n and (illed herself to p+ll the trigger to

give her dear h+sband the release he so desperately longed for. $+t as she ga?ed at his familiar beloved face in

apparent repose she co+ld not bring herself to act. She imagined him lying :+st so in a caset and her blood ran

cold.

7"aybe =4d better close my eyes too9 she m+ttered doing so.

With her eyes closed she imagined (hat a horrid bloody scene (o+ld greet them (hen they reopened. *his

grisly vision ca+sed her hands to tremble incl+ding the hand that (as gripping the g+n. She feared then that if

she proceeded (ith her eyes closed lie that she (as liely to miss altogether and sin a b+llet into the

discontin+ed (allpaper on the opposite (all or perhaps the b+llet (o+ld only gra?e her h+sband and end +p

ca+sing him more pain rather than giving him peace. She opened her eyes.

=t (as hopeless. She had spent her entire married life taing care of "arty she co+ldn4t go against those forty5

t(o years of n+rt+ring to ca+se him tremendo+s harm no(. She made s+re the safety catch (as on and placed the

g+n on the bedside stand (ith a heavy thunk . "arty opened his eyes.

7= co+ldn4t do it. = can4t do it9 $ea said patting his sho+lder. 7>o+4ll :+st have to (ait for Fod to call yo+

home.9

7Eee. Eee ees89 "arty begged as $ea str+ggled to her feet. 7Ees89

7*here4s no point in asing me = can4t do it9 $ea said (aving an arm dismissively. 7= tho+ght = co+ld. = mean



=4ve al(ays taen care of things aro+nd here. = too the ids to the doctor every time they (ere sic = paid the

bills on time all these years = learned ho( to +nclog the sin (ith a bent coat hanger. $+t = can4t do this for yo+

"arty. =t4s too hard.9 She glanced at the g+n. 7= (onder if the store (o+ld tae this bac. &o yo+ no( ho(

m+ch it cost me; And it4s +sed89

She heard a raspy (ailing behind her and t+rned in s+rprise. *ears (ere co+rsing do(n "arty face and the left

side the one less affected than the other by the stroes (as contorted in sadness to a noticeable e@tent. Dn+sed

to seeing any e@pression there $ea (as d+mbfo+nded by this sho( of despair.

7Bo( stop that "arty. Stop that89 she ordered. 7>o+4re :+st going to (ear yo+rself o+t.9 $+t her h+sband

contin+ed sobbing.

*he telephone rang. $ea (as torn a moment bet(een her distra+ght h+sband and the :angling apparat+s on the

dresser. Bot certain ho( to deal (ith "arty :+st then she made a hasty decision and headed stiffly b+t steadily

to(ard the dresser. She piced +p the handset. 7ello; Ch hello Kevin. o( are yo+ on; Bo = don4t hear

anything. Bo everything4s fine9 she said sidling into the ad:oining bathroom and sh+tting the door.

She opened the door a fe( min+tes later and stood in the door(ay. "arty (as still (eeping (ith almost the same

intensity. 7*hat (as Kevin9 $ea anno+nced lo+dly hoping to distract her h+sband. 7e4s in the neighborhood

and (ants to stop in (ith the boys. = told him it (o+ld be oay.9

"arty too some long breaths and to $ea4s delight seemed to be calming do(n. $+t his ne@t (ords testified that

his intentions (ere +nchanged. 7Eee. Eee ees. Dh +n. Dh un.9

7"arty = (ill not +se that g+n. Kevin is coming (ith the boys. *hat sho+ld cheer yo+ +p 5 cheer +s both +p. =

have to tidy myself +p before they get here. E@c+se me9 she said t+rning bac to the bathroom as "arty seemed

to be revving +p for more tears.



=n the bathroom $ea faced herself in the mirror. 7What am = to do; = can4t stand for him to be so +nhappy9 she

lamented to her reflection. 7=f he goes on lie this m+ch longer =4ll be tempted to +se that g+n on myself89

Something reflected in the mirror ca+ght her eye. *he rose5colored hand to(els on the rac behind her (ere

decorated (ith lace. She slo(ly p+lled one do(n and fro(ned at it a moment. An impish grin flitted across her

face. She +nfolded the to(el and pinned it to her hair (ith bobby pins so that it h+ng do(n the bac lie a

Spanish mantilla. Be@t she p+lled a d+sty sil daisy from the baset atop the toilet tan and ripped a page from a

glossy maga?ine (hich she folded in a bac and forth motion on the edge of the sin. Cnce she had finished (ith

this she too a deep breath and began to +nb+tton her blo+se a s+ppressed b+t merry gleam in her eye.

*he bathroom door opened. $ea emerged. She p+rposef+lly avoided looing at her h+sband b+t made s+re to

move to the area (here he (o+ld be able to see her best. Cnce positioned she began str+tting abo+t in a grand

manner one hand flicing her homemade fan (hile the other hand cl+tched the fae daisy. 7Lady of Spain =

adore yo+G9 she sang in a voice lo+d and f+ll lie an opera star. $+t +nlie most sopranos she (as topless her

aged breasts hanging lie t(o massive shriveled fr+its.

After singing as m+ch of the song as she remembered she tossed the fan a(ay and placed the stem of the flo(er

bet(een her teeth. aising her hands as high as she (as able she pretended to play the castanets and proceeded

to dance. She (as anything b+t gracef+l (ith her stiff :oints and slo( gait b+t she thre( in a small ic here

and there as an added flo+rish. =t (asn4t +ntil she (as thoro+ghly (inded that she dared to loo in "arty4s

direction.

*hose damned tears still streaed his face b+t then they (o+ld +ntil someone else (iped them a(ay or they

evaporated. e (as still maing noises honing noises b+t for the life of her $ea co+ldn4t mae o+t (hat mood

he (as in for the longest moment. *hen she reali?ed that the left side of his face (as p+lled into (hat co+ld only

be constr+ed as a (ea smile.





Keep A(ay )rom hildren

*he benches in the station reminded me of the (ooden pe(s in o+r ch+rch and (ere :+st as +naccommodating to

the h+man form. !erhaps they didn4t (ant anyone to become indolent and forget that this (as a place for

transportation for movement for e@its and entrances.

*here (as motion occ+rring aro+nd me in fits and sp+rts. A train (o+ld arrive and a stream of passengers (o+ld

parade by on their (ay to the e@its. A people (atcher by nat+re s+ch activity (o+ld normally have provided

some interesting entertainment.

= made it a point to al(ays be early and tr+e to form = rose from my seat on the bench a good ten min+tes before

the train (as d+e and (ent to stand near the trac. = ga?ed do(n its infinite length in hopes of spying a light

from the approaching train and (as gratified to see the merest glimmer of light in the far distance. = glanced at

my (atch and pres+med d+e to this early spotting that the train (o+ld be arriving early at the station b+t by the

time the glimmer evolved into a f+ll5si?ed headlight and the train came to rest beside me eno+gh time had passed

that it (as act+ally :+st on sched+le.

"y mother had al(ays had an affinity for flo(ered shirts and dresses b+t the p+rple irises on her shirt that day

(ere partic+larly ga+dy. =n addition she (ore a large stra( hat and s+nglasses looing lie a to+rist destined for

some tropical resort (ho had accidentally disembared in the midst of a city. = came for(ard to help her (ith her



things.

As it t+rned o+t she only had t(o small bags besides the garment bag she carried. 7= didn4t (ant to tae any

chances on them loosing my l+ggage9 she e@plained.

7=t4s not an airline mother9 = remared picing +p the t(o bags and heading to(ard the station.

7= no(. $+t my friend larice (ent to )lorida and they lost her l+ggage. =t happened (hen she s(itched b+ses

in *ennessee.9

= (as abo+t to point o+t that larice4s sit+ation (as different and that in any case she had never s(itched trains

b+t = let it pass. = al(ays seemed to contradict my mother (hen (e spoe (hich made me resent +s both.

We (ere stopped in traffic in my car (hen she +n?ipped the garment bag and shoved a teal5se+ined sleeve at

me. 7*his is (hat = bro+ght for the (edding. =sn4t it lovely;9

= tho+ght of my o(n pale bl+e go(n a+stere in comparison. 7=t4s very nice9 = said.

7= bro+ght a pants+it for the rehearsal dinner. Am = invited to the rehearsal dinner;9 she ased ingen+o+sly.

7Cf co+rse9 = replied. )ranly = hadn4t even tho+ght abo+t it before b+t = co+ld see it (o+ld be r+de not to

incl+de her (hen she (as staying at o+r ho+se.

7$ob and = (eren4t s+re (hat "argaret and her intended co+ld +se so (e4re giving them a chec9 mother

commented.

= noted she hadn4t mentioned "argaret4s fiancH by name and ass+med she hadn4t bothered to loo at her





been corresponding for over a year no(.9

7>o+4ve (ritten to "argaret;9 = repeated ama?ed at this revelation.

7>es = (rote her at her dorm. = no( all abo+t &on and ho( deep his eyes are and ho( he (anted to be a pitcher

b+t h+rt his sho+lder his freshman year. = no( "argaret dreams of living in I+ebec someday b+t for no(

they4re going to live in an apartment in !eoria. And = no( ho( nervo+s she is abo+t the (edding. She4s afraid

she4ll faint at the alter or forget the (ords (hen she taes her vo(s.9

= (as speechless. "argaret had never mentioned these fears to me. Why had she chosen to confide in her

grandmother rather than me; =t (as tr+e that = had been very b+sy lately. =n fact = co+ldn4t remember the last

time = had gotten together (ith "argaret and taled abo+t anything other than the (edding. =t occ+rred to me

then that distance (as only one meas+re of closeness.

7Are yo+ s+re &on can4t mae it to the (edding;9 = ased s+rprising +s both. 7= for one (o+ldn4t mind if he

came.9



*hro+gh Sara4s Senses

A light came on ca+sing a red glo( to appear thro+gh her closed eyelids. =t (as follo(ed by the so+nds of fabric

r+bbing against fabric and a dis:ointed chor+s of hesitant footsteps.

7= thin she4s asleep9 her mother4s voice said.

7She sleeps too m+ch. She needs to get +p and do something9 her father complained.

7= thin she4s asleep9 her mother reiterated. 7We4d better leave her alone.9

*he light (ent o+t and the so+nds retreated. )+rther interior noises (ere m+ffled by the solid bedroom door

e@terior ones (ere repelled by the thic (indo(panes of the old ho+se. She (as safely ensconced in her personal

cocoon a(ay from everything. =t (as the (ay she (anted things to be and she (as satisfied.

Later her mother ret+rned (ith her medicine. Sara ne( this time she (o+ld not :+st go a(ay.

7ome on s(eetheart9 her mother ca:oled r+nning a hand over her thic br+nette hair as if she (ere a child or

a pet. 7<+st tae yo+r medicine and yo+ can rest some more.9

Sara hated the pills. *hey (ere meant to help her b+t all they did (as f+rther dil+te her sense of reality. She

sometimes s(allo(ed the pills obediently (hen her mother bro+ght them b+t other times she hid them in her

chees. *hey (ere large and diffic+lt to obsc+re b+t she had learned to rotate them (ith her tong+e so that they

sat vertically. *hen she co+ld hide them bac to(ards her :a( line and her mother (o+ldn4t notice.

er mother held o+t a glass of (ater. er mother4s hands (ere adorned (ith the ridic+lo+s long red nails she

bo+ght from the hinese (oman at the mall. *hey (ere (eapons. er mother tried to +se them to caress b+t



Sara had been pinched by them more than once.

After her mother left Sara spit the pills into her palm in the darness. *here (as a bitterness in her mo+th 5 the

pills had beg+n to dissolve in her chees. $+t she hadn4t ingested eno+gh for the medicine to affect her. She

shoved the pills +nderneath the mattress on the side near the (all her hand coming in contact (ith other pills she

had banished earlier. =t (as a good thing her mother (asn4t the type to flip mattresses over.

Sara4s eyes ad:+sted +icly to the darness and soon she co+ld mae o+t some familiar shapes. Light that

penetrated the thin (indo( c+rtains from the streetlight o+tside e@tended +p onto the ceiling a fe( feet bac

from the (indo( to form a sort of large tilted bo@. Sara imagined it to be a bo@ (hen her medication too f+ll

effect 5 a magical glo(ing place (here she co+ld hide and find sanct+ary. $+t she had never gotten +p to

e@amine it more closely. *he medicine made her (oo?y. $esides she never left her bed.

She co+ld smell the contents of the bedpan +nderneath the bed. =t reminded her of the times they had visited her

grandmother in the n+rsing home (hen she (as little and of the hopelessness she had sensed there. er mother

hadn4t gone to bed and forgotten to empty it had she; Sara listened breathlessly +ntil she detected so+nds of

china clining together in the itchen. er mother (as doing the dishes then. She co+ld pict+re her o(n f+ll

dinner plate (rapped neatly in plastic sitting in the refrigerator ne@t to her +neaten sand(ich from l+nch. She ran

her hands over her flat stomach across her modest breasts and do(n her ta+t thighs. She lied the (ay her body

felt so minimal and lean the physical manifestation of her (ithdra(al from the (orld.

er tho+ghts became dis:ointed as she grad+ally s+cc+mbed to sleep. When she opened her eyes again she (as

a(are that time had passed by some vag+e +neasiness of her inner cloc. *he room (as still :+st as dar and still

b+t no( she sensed that someone (as in the room (ith her. *heir silence +nnerved her and she (as finally

moved to spea.

7"other;9



7=t4s me9 her father4s voice responded. Sara had not spoen to her father since she had taen to her bed and she

felt betrayed by the darness. 7>o+r mother (as very +pset and = sent her to bed9 he contin+ed. 7She (as

crying. = told her =4d chec on yo+. =s there anything yo+ need;9

Sara (o+ldn4t as him to empty the bedpan. She (o+ld tolerate the s(eet acrid smell and her aching bladder all

night rather than as him to do that. e (o+ld never thin of it himself. e (as largely +na(are of (hat (ent on

in Sara4s room.

A shape emerged from the darness near the door(ay that she ne( m+st be her father. *he shape +icly dre(

closer becoming more distinctly h+man b+t never f+lly identifiable.

7&o yo+ need anything Sara;9 he repeated. 7=s there anything = can do;9

Sara (anted to ignore him b+t she felt +neasy alone (ith him in the darness and she believed that (ords (o+ld

remove him more +icly than silence.

7Bo9 she replied (ith an effort.

er father lingered. 7Sara :+st before this happened (e had that tal abo+t yo+r school. =4ve been (ondering 5

that didn4t have anything to do (ith this did it;9

Sara co+ldn4t bring herself to spea to him again.

7= mean = had a right to be concerned. *hat school costs a lot of money 5 a hell of a lot of money 5 and are yo+

going to be able to mae a living (hen yo+4re thro+gh; =t4s :+st not practical to st+dy art. >o+ might as (ell

st+dy philosophy or theater for all the good it (ill do yo+. = (or hard for my money damn hard8 = hate to thro(



it a(ay on some childish (him.9 er father4s voice gre( as heated as it had that other time he had spoen to her

abo+t her school. $eing +nable to see him clearly it (as almost as if someone else had crept into Sara4s room

and (ere sadistically playing a recording of her father4s (ords from the original conversation.

Do you love me? Sara tho+ght +n(illing to tae the ris of saying the (ords o+t lo+d.

7What yo+ need is to get +p o+t of that bed and get involved in something9 her father contin+ed more calmly.

7>o+4ve got to p+ll yo+rself together.9

Do you love me?

7>o+ need to get o+t of that bed9 her father repeated. 7=f yo+ (ant to st+dy art fine. Fo to yo+r school

tomorro( and arrange to get bac to yo+r st+dies. = didn4t tell yo+ to stop J = never told yo+ to stop9 he repeated

(ith s+dden conviction. 7= (as :+st concerned.9

*he silence that follo(ed seemed heightened in the darness. er father remained in the room a fe( min+tes

longer as if (aiting for some sign from Sara b+t she felt void and empty and had nothing to offer him.

Event+ally his fig+re retreated to(ard the door and merged bac into the darness. 7Food night.9 he said heavily

before sh+tting Sara in alone.

Cnce he had gone Sara4s listless body came to life. She scooted to(ard the (all and shoved her arm beneath the

mattress groping (ith diffic+lty as her o(n (eight hampered her efforts. She began p+lling o+t pills +ntil she

had amassed as many as she co+ld locate from her hiding place. She reached for the plastic pitcher her mother

al(ays ept on the bed stand and dran directly from it indiscriminately do+sing herself and the mattress

pa+sing bet(een g+lps to insert pills into her mo+th. When there (ere no pills left she replaced the pitcher

(iped her mo+th (ith a bony hand and lay bac +pon the bed.



=t (asn4t long before the pills began to tae affect. She e@perienced the familiar lightheadedness the retreating

from reality. $+t this time the dr+gs didn4t stop there. *hey contin+ed to force her farther and farther in

threatening to over(helm her into nothingness.

I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it! her mind screamed. $+t her tong+e seemed heavy and +nmanageable and she

(as +nable to +se it to prod+ce any meaningf+l so+nd. !anic flo(ed thro+gh her lie a s+dden s+rge of

electricity. She sat +p and s(+ng her legs aro+nd so that they h+ng over the side of the bed. She slid for(ard

+ntil her bare heels rested on the braided r+g ne@t to her bed. Slo(ly and caref+lly she rose to her f+ll height and

began progressing +nsteadily across the floor as a((ard as a foal trying its legs for the first time. *here (as a

b+??ing in her head and patches of blacness danced before her eyes. She had to mae it across the room to save

herself before it (as too late. A beatific smile broe o+t +pon Sara4s face as the tips of her o+tstretched fingers

became ill+minated by the light coming in thro+gh the (indo(. =f she co+ld only find the entrance to the bo@

she (o+ld be safe yet.



*he !ainting

7*he (alls in here sho+ld be po(der bl+e.9

7 Powder bl+e; Lie eye shado( or something;9 the man ased harshly.

*he (oman sighed at his literal interpretation. 7=t4s similar to the color of $obby4s room no(. =t (o+ld go (ith

the stripes on the f+rnit+re and (ith the c+rtains.9

*heir voices echoed in the empty ho+se. <anice4s lo(5heeled p+mps th+mped on the (ooden floor dramatically

as she crossed the room. *hey4d have to p+t do(n some carpeting to deaden the noise or the so+nd of the

children scampering across the floor (o+ld drive &ave (ild.

When she t+rned abo+t he had (andered o+t of the bo@y living room. She fo+nd him standing in the foyer.

7What color do yo+ (ant o+t here;9 he ased.

7= lie it the (ay it is no( creamy (hite. Cther(ise Bonnie4s painting (ill loo odd9 <anice said.

*he painting she referred to did not hang +pon any of the (alls of the ho+se. =t had been painted directly on the

(all of the landing clearly visible from the lo(er5level foyer. *he painting (as in a style reminiscent of early

Americana. =t depicted a (oman beating a colorf+l r+g s+spended from a clothesline (hile several children

nearby follo(ed their vario+s p+rs+its. Cne child (as bent at the (aist (atching a yello( b+tterfly on a b+sh.

Cne child in a (hite blo+se and flo(ered :+mper (as sipping rope. Another child a boy in overalls read a

boo +nder the shade of a l+sh tree. *hree other children (ere playing 6ing Aro+nd the osie4. =t too some

caref+l searching to spy the seventh child a boy (hose ro+nd face (as barely visible peeping aro+nd the edge of

a tree in the bacgro+nd.



*he painting (as (himsical and cheerf+l b+t in sad condition. *he paint itself had craced in many places. =n

addition the (all had been s+b:ected to the dirty hands of small children over the years. *he formerly creamy

(hite (all co+ld hardly be called any sort of (hite in several partic+larly dirty spots. An amate+r artist or t(o

had taen their crayons to the art(or as (ell not improving its appearance in any respect.

&ave looed +p at the art(or (ith a so+r e@pression. 7>o+ no( (e have to paint over that don4t yo+; =t4s one

of the first things people (ill see (hen they come in.9

7$+t my grandmother painted it. =t4s a depiction of herself and her children9 <anice retorted moving closer to

the stair(ay.

She still remembered the s+mmer she and her mother had come to visit and had ended +p staying at her

grandmother4s almost a month. er grandmother had been ill and her mother had been preocc+pied in caring for

her. <anice had soon tired of the fe( toys she had been allo(ed to bring (ith her. She had taen to spending long

periods of time seated on a step of the +pper stair(ay st+dying the (oman on the (all and her children. She had

named each of them after friends bac home or characters in her favorite boos and had made +p stories abo+t

(hat they (ere doing in the painting and (hat (o+ld happen ne@t.

Cne day (hen her grandmother had been feeling better <anice had gone into her bedroom plopped do(n on the

edge of the bed and declared 7>o+4re a great painter Bonnie.9

Bonnie had la+ghed. 7>o+r mother told me yo+ (ere fascinated by that pict+re on the landing8 =4m no artist

child. = never tried to dra( or paint anything besides that one pict+re. = :+st (anted a painting of my children and

(e co+ldn4t afford one by a real artist. So = decided to mae my o(n sort of pict+re.9

She had dra(n <anice to her (ith arms still shay from illness and (ith one arm aro+nd her narro( sho+lders

had e@plained the tr+e identity of the children on the (all. <anice4s mother (as the s(eet child in the painting



st+dying the b+tterfly. Dncle !eter (ho had died in the Korean War and (hom <anice had never seen (as the

boy peeping shyly o+t from behind the tree. A+nt Elyse sensitive abo+t a stra(berry5shaped birthmar on her

chee had insisted in tears that she didn4t (ant to appear in the painting at all. She (as the 6ing Aro+nd the

osie4 participant (ith her bac to the vie(er. *he other t(o forming the circle (ere the dimin+tive t(ins !atty

and attie. )+lly gro(n neither of them had ever topped five feet. *he boy reading beneath the tree (as Dncle

Stephen (ho had gro(n +p to be a doctor in Be( <ersey. And the girl sipping rope (as A+nt <ane (ho lived

near <anice4s family and (as the only one of her mother4s siblings she (as (ell5ac+ainted (ith. *h+s the

art(or (hich had at first been the catalyst for her flights of fancy had become a lin to her o(n roots.

7We have to eep it someho(9 <anice m+ttered ascending a fe( steps +p the (ooden stairs as if to protect the

art(or physically.

7Loo =4ll bring my camera over and tae a nice clear photo of it9 &ave offered. 7We can have it enlarged to

poster5si?e if yo+ (ant and yo+ can hang it some(here less central in the ho+se. $+t the landing (ill have to be

painted.9

<anice ne( he had a valid complaint that the painting (as tr+ly in sad repair. $+t the light coming in thro+gh

the landing (indo( hit the painting :+st as it had (hen she had been a bored yo+ng girl so many years ago

highlighting the fascinating panorama of people at (or and play. She t+rned to her h+sband her eyes pleading.

7&on4t yo+ +nderstand; = spent so m+ch time looing at this painting and thining abo+t these people (hen =

(as a girl. =t4s lie a favorite dog5eared old boo only in this case there4s :+st this one copy. = can4t bring myself

to b+ry it +nder a coat of paint.9

&ave sighed and shifted his (eight +ncomfortably. )or someone (ho had been an athlete in high school he

moved a((ardly no( his once lithe frame hampered by e@cess (eight. 7<anice yo+ no( = don4t lie anti+es

and old5fashioned st+ff. *he only reason =4m (illing to move here at all is beca+se my office moved and it (ill

c+t t(enty5five min+tes off of my comm+te. And beca+se yo+ promised (e co+ld moderni?e the interior if (e



moved in.9

7= can4t let this painting be destroyed &ave9 she repeated. 7"aybe = can clean it +p mae it loo better.9

&ave moved over to the staircase and rested one hand on the modest ne(el post. 7o( can yo+ clean that +p;

*he crayon mars go right over the paint in spots.9

7<+st let me try. Let me try to fi@ it +p. *hen (e can decide (hat to do.9 <anice beseeched him.

7= g+ess yo+ can try9 &ave conceded rel+ctantly. 7$+t come "onday morning (e have to arrange for the

painters or they (on4t finish in time for +s to move in.9

7=4ll come bac tomorro( and (or on it9 <anice promised.

She ret+rned the ne@t day (ith a bo@ containing all her cleaning s+pplies and an optimistic heart. She attaced

the crayon mars (ith a toothbr+sh dipped in an orange cleaner and (as gratified to see them begin to fade. $+t

(hen she tried to clean the hand mars she (as appalled to find that the paint itself began to peel off the (alls.

She stopped scr+bbing immediately. She tried (oring on another area more gingerly b+t the paint there began

to peel as (ell. She dropped the sponge into the b+cet and ga?ed +p at the art(or from her ne( vantage point

cro+ched on the landing floor. )rom that angle the painting looed indistinct and faded. She sat do(n +pon the

landing ga?ed +p at the familiar scene and b+rst into tears. 7=4m sorry =4m so sorry9 she m+rm+red alo+d

feeling as if she had failed her grandmother her mother her a+nts and +ncles.

She sat there cross5legged on the landing for a long time crying at first for the loss of the painting b+t then

proceeding to mo+rn the loss of her mother all over again the loss of her grandmother and finally the loss of her

yo+th. She (o+ld never again be the innocent yo+ng girl (ho had sat +pon that step and +sed the painting as a

springboard into her o(n imaginary (orld. *hose times (ere lost to her forever.



When she ret+rned home her h+sband (as in the itchen maing a sand(ich. She deposited the bo@ of cleaning

s+pplies on the table as if it (ere a heavy b+rden. er h+sband contin+ed (ith his tas not even acno(ledging

her presence even tho+gh he m+st have heard her. She didn4t +nderstand his aloofness at times. "aybe he (as

:+st preocc+pied abo+t (or as he often claimed to be. $+t she tended to tae his silence personally.

7>o+ can paint the foyer any color yo+ (ant9 she remared br+s+ely moving past him to deposit her eys on

the appropriate hoo on the (all.

7What happened;9 he ased t+rning to(ard her (ith a thic sand(ich in one hand. 7o+ldn4t yo+ get it clean;9

7Bo = co+ldn4t9 she snapped. 7= give +p.9

7&o yo+ (ant me to tae some photographs of it for yo+ before the painters come;9 he ased. !hotography (as

&ave4s hobby altho+gh he had been too b+sy to tae many photos lately.

<anice remembered the condition of the painting (hen she had left it. 7Bo. *he paint started peeling off of the

(all (hen = (as scr+bbing. =t loos a(f+l no(9 she said her eyes beginning to fill (ith fresh tears. She

impatiently (iped them a(ay. She had already had a good cry and it (as pointless to shed more tears over the

past.

&ave came +p to her placed an arm aro+nd her sho+lder and patted it. 7*he foyer (ill loo great (ith a ne( coat

of paint. We can go o+t shopping together and find something nice to hang on the (all. Something modern.9 e

raised his right hand and too another bite o+t of his sand(ich.

<anice ne( he (as trying to comfort her b+t it reminded her of the time (hen she (as nine and her paraeet

had died. *he very same day her dad had s+ggested that they go to the pet store and b+y a ne( one as if



something beloved co+ld be so easily replaced. 7E@c+se me9 she m+ttered p+lling a(ay from &ave4s embrace

and leaving the itchen.

=t (as easier not to thin abo+t the fate of Bonnie4s painting d+ring the (ee b+sy as she (as (oring f+ll time

and doing things (ith the children. &ave had promised to arrange for the painters himself and she had no do+bt

he (o+ld tae care of it in his efficient (ay. *hey had gone over the colors one last time S+nday night and she

(as confident that the res+lts (o+ld be close eno+gh to (hat she (anted. She preferred that the (or be done

(itho+t her direct involvement. *hat (ay she co+ld :+st go there the follo(ing (eeend and it (o+ld all be over.

She co+ld imagine (hat the landing (all (o+ld loo lie (ith a fresh ne( coat of paint J flat and vac+o+s. *hey

had chosen to paint it a medi+m green instead of (hite to help minimi?e the effect of their o(n children4s hands

+pon the (alls as they passed bet(een the first and second floors.

Cne day that (ee at l+nch <anice sat by herself and (rote o+t a description of Bonnie4s painting. She detailed

as best she co+ld the colors and locations of each item even maing a stic5fig+re representation the simplicity

of (hich had ca+sed a rare smile to flicer across her face. She noted (ho each child had been in real life and

(hat had become of them. She feared that once the painting (as no more she (o+ld forget some element or

aspect and it all seemed too important to forget. She (o+ldn4t be able to share the painting (ith her o(n children

b+t she co+ld at least sit (ith them and describe it and tell them abo+t those (arm s+mmer days she had spent

daydreaming on the stairs. She (as do+btf+l they (o+ld appreciate s+ch a simple pleas+re occ+pied as they

+s+ally (ere (ith electronic games and comp+ters. $+t maybe her recollection (o+ld mae some impression on

them.

$y the end of the (ee she had become resigned to the loss of the painting. She (as prepared to move for(ard

and start from scratch in maing Bonnie4s ho+se their o(n. She (asn4t ready to hang anything else on the

landing (all :+st yet b+t overall she looed for(ard to going to the ho+se that )riday night and seeing the

freshly painted rooms.



So as not to mae it a (asted trip they paced their car f+ll of items that they co+ld do (itho+t +ntil the move

things lie thro( pillo(s sil plants linens. Each of the children bro+ght a co+ple of their favorite items to p+t

in their ne( bedrooms to help mar them as their o(n.

&ave p+lled the car to the bac of the drive(ay and they headed for the bac door that led to the itchen. *o

<anice4s s+rprise (hen they cliced on the light the itchen (alls (ere the same pale yello( they had been the

last time she had been in the ho+se. *he children +icly scampered off to p+t their things in their ne( rooms as

<anice deposited the items she carried on the co+nter.

7Well they didn4t paint this room9 she commented t+rning on the overhead light. *here (ere still some lighter

circles visible ne@t to the stove (here the former tenant4s china plates had h+ng and vacated nail holes in several

places (here pict+res had been.

7Everything4s not done yet b+t yo+4ll lie (hat they4ve finished9 &ave said (ith a mirthf+l grin.

<anice co+ldn4t imagine (hy he seemed so merry. When she tho+ght abo+t it he had been +n+s+ally

cheerf+l since he4d gotten home from (or.

*hey moved into the living room and it had also obvio+sly not been painted. 7<+st (ho did yo+ hire to

do the (or;9 <anice ased septically. &ave4s only response (as that grin.

She co+ldn4t imagine (hat (as going on. &ave (as +s+ally on top of things better than this. She had

e@pected to find everything finished to specification. =nstead there (as still m+ch (or to be done and

it (o+ld no( have to be accomplished after they had moved in (hich (o+ld ca+se them a great deal of

inconvenience. And yet &ave seemed positively happy abo+t the sit+ation. =t (as p+??ling.

7ome this (ay on9 &ave said leading her to the foyer. *he area (as largely in shado(s the only

light being that (hich came in thro+gh the landing (indo( from the streetlight o+tside. $+t even in the



dim light <anice co+ld tell the (alls here had not been painted either and that Bonnie4s painting (as

still resident on the landing (all. She had come to terms (ith the loss of the painting 5 to find o+t that it

still e@isted (as lie reopening a healing (o+nd. <anice t+rned to &ave to berate him for letting the

contractor be so la@ and for allo(ing this to happen (hen he grabbed her hand and p+lled her for(ard.

She didn4t reali?e he held something in his other hand +ntil he held it forth and a light s+ddenly bla?ed.

=t (as their heavy5d+ty emergency lantern.

e ept on moving across the floor and +p the stairs t+gging her firmly along (ith him. e stopped

:+st a step belo( the landing and aimed the lantern on the (all before them.

=t (as magical lie a trip bac thro+gh time. *he bacgro+nd (all (as a pristine (hite. *he fig+res

and other ob:ects looed crisp and ne(ly painted as if Bonnie had :+st laid do(n her br+sh and gone

off to mae bisc+its. *he colors (ere bright and bold not the faded tints <anice had no(n. *he m+ted

bl+es and pins of the r+g (ere no( vibrant teal royal bl+e and f+chsia. *he green leaves seemed

ne(ly spro+ted from the long dormant trees and b+shes. *he children seemed to frolic more :oyo+sly

deced o+t in ne( clothes. $+t the painting (as the same for all it4s freshness the very same that had

sp+rred her imagination so long ago.

7o( did yo+ do this;9 <anice ased breathlessly t+rning to &ave (ith a loo of (onder.

&ave (as grinning more broadly than he had in ages. 7= hired a (oman (ho restores paintings for a

living. She had never (ored (ith (all paint before. *he fig+res (ere done in oil tho+gh. She scraped

the paint and discovered the tr+e colors had been m+ch brighter originally so this is (hat it looed lie

(hen yo+r grandmother first painted it. *he (oman p+t a clear coat over it to protect it. =f it gets dirty

yo+ sho+ld be able to (ash it right off.9

7Why did yo+ do this (hen yo+ don4t even lie the painting;9 <anice ased.



7= ne( (hat it meant to yo+9 &ave replied almost sheepishly. 7And = (o+ldn4t say = don4t lie it. =

mean it loos pretty nice no(. = g+ess (hen yo+ have an old ho+se it4s appropriate to have some old

things. *he restoration cost so m+ch (e4ll have to do the rest of the painting o+rselves tho+gh.9

<anice thre( her arms aro+nd &ave and issed him. *o her s+rprise he held her +ite tightly for a

moment and ret+rned her iss more fervently than she had e@pected. *hen they stood (ith their arms

aro+nd each other and ga?ed appreciatively at Bonnie4s painting the silence p+nct+red by delighted

s+eals from above and the po+nding of small feet as their son and da+ghter froliced thro+gh the

empty rooms +pstairs playing a spontaneo+s game of hide and see.





onfronting im

A can of shaving cream a disposable ra?or and a (orn red toothbr+sh (ere spra(led on the bathroom

sin the toothbr+sh a mere t(o inches from the toothbr+sh holder (here it sho+ld have sat tidily ne@t

to hers. *here (as a sprinling of min+te dar hairs in the sin lie overspray from a can of paint

despite evidence that an attempt had been made to (ipe them a(ay (ith the hand to(el.

lare proceeded into the living room. *he poster5si?ed blac and (hite photograph of a 1,04s !aris

street presiding over the sofa looed partic+larly a+stere at the prospect of contin+ing to share the

living room (ith the large color poster of Beil >o+ng in concert displayed itty5corner to it. She had no

personal dislie of Beil >o+ng 5 she en:oyed some of his m+sic herself. $+t :+@taposed to her +aint

E+ropean scene his presence (as vis+ally :arring.

$en had h+ng the poster of the m+sician the night before (itho+t any prior disc+ssion. After(ard he

had looed at her tri+mphantly as if he had done something marvelo+s and she had been +nable to

protest. After all he had :+st finished moving in the rest of his things and they (o+ld have to share the

space.

$+t she hadn4t really considered the impact the decision to let him move in (o+ld have on her senses.

She hadn4t reali?ed ho( badly his red painted bedstand and dresser (o+ld clash (ith her pastel5colored

bedroom and )rench !rovincial f+rnit+re ho( his cheap and sagging boocase (o+ld cl+tter +p the

itchen the only space available for it ho( his e@tensive record collection (o+ld loo staced in

metal crates ne@t to her living room (all.

Worse than his inanimate possessions (as his dog Ctis. lare +sed to thin she lied Ctis. When she



had visited $en4s apartment Ctis had al(ays come +p to her e@citedly (agging his tail and she had

patted his broad head and said 7i Ctis8 i boy.9. *hen $en had pointed to the other side of the room

and ordered Ctis to sit and he had obliged rarely moving thro+gho+t the evening e@cept to scootch

for(ard (hile che(ing a co(hide treat or to stand occasionally and peer o+t the (indo( (hen he

heard something passing. lare had not given a second tho+ght abo+t the prospect of Ctis moving into

her condomini+m.

When $en (as home Ctis (asn4t m+ch of a problem. =f he became too insistent for her attention $en

(o+ld give him an order and he (o+ld immediately bac off. $+t (hen $en (asn4t home lare

co+ldn4t sit do(n (itho+t Ctis coming +p and p+tting his front legs and virt+ally his front half into her

lap. Bo matter ho( she tried to imitate $en pointing and iss+ing orders Ctis (o+ld not mind her. She

had +icly learnt she m+st leave the bathroom door sh+t in the mornings (hile applying her mae+p

as (ell even tho+gh it (as still steamy from her sho(er and the mirror (as apt to fog +p. =f she left the

door open Ctis (o+ld invariably come in and stic his nose +p her sirt. =t (as lie living (ith a

lechero+s old +ncle.

lare opened the (al5in closet and sighed. $loced by $en4s on5end coffee table and massive (eights

she co+ld barely reach her clothes and co+ld only to+ch a limited selection of them at that. Something

had to change.

7Why don4t yo+ get a bigger place;9 <enny ased later that day at (or. 7$en maes decent money

doesn4t he;9

lare pict+red the sagging boocase the red f+rnit+re the poster and metal crates.7=t4s not :+st that

(e4re cramped9 lare replied. 7=t4s his belongings. *hey4re all maeshift 5 cheap and +gly. = :+st don4t



(ant them in the ho+se.9

7>o+ don4t (ant them in the ho+se or $en;9 <enny ased tho+ghtf+lly.

7= don4t no(9 lare admitted. 7= tho+ght it (as a great idea for $en to move in everything seemed to

be going so (ell bet(een +s. $+t = can4t stand the (ay the apartment is no(. = feel as if my home has

been taen over by an invader. *(o invaders9 she corrected 7$en and his dog.9

*hat night (hen lare got home $en (as in the sho(er. Ctis came to greet her at the door accepting

her pat on the head before n+dging his nose +p +nder her sirt. 7&o(n Ctis8 &o(n89 lare ordered to

no avail. She p+shed past the dog and strode p+rposef+lly into the bedroom. *he dog4s bro(n eyes

ga?ed at her mo+rnf+lly as she sh+t the door firmly bet(een them.

$en4s (or clothes lay on the floor on his side of the bed e@cept for one lone soc rolled into a ball that

(as perched atop the bed. *he closet door had been left open and light spilled o+t aro+nd it. lare

sighed and sat do(n on the edge of the bed +ncertain (hether she sho+ld pic +p after $en or (hether

she sho+ld mae him do it himself. She imagined these (ere the inds of decisions a parent had to

mae (hen raising a child.

*he bacgro+nd hiss of the sho(er came abr+ptly to a halt. lare remained seated on the bed. She felt

she had to say something to $en abo+t his sloppiness and abo+t Ctis4s r+de behavior. Waiting for him

to come into the bedroom she felt fr+strated and nervo+s at the same time. She had never been

comfortable (ith confrontations.

$en came into the room moments later his hair cas+ally disarrayed. e (ore :eans and a s(eater that



lare had given him for his birthday. is dar hair (as damp and to+sled accent+ating his boyish

feat+res. is ha?el eyes seemed to brighten (hen he sa( her sitting there. 7i s(eetheart9 he said

bending to give her a (arm iss and +ic h+g.

7i9 lare echoed softly disconcerted by the (ay he looed and smelled 5 a botanicalMmedicinal

combination of shampoo and deodorant.

7= tho+ght =4d tae yo+ to dinner after yo+r to+gh day at (or9 he said picing +p the dirty clothes

from the floor. e missed the errant soc that had nestled ne@t to lare4s derriere (hen she had sat

do(n.

7o( do yo+ no( = had a to+gh day;9 lare ased c+rio+sly.

7= called yo+ t(ice. *he first time <enny told me yo+ (ere on the phone (ith =S trying to get yo+r

comp+ter (oring and the second time she said yo+ (ere searching for a missing file. = fig+red yo+4d

be a little fra??led after all that. Ch by the (ay did yo+ notice my coffee table is gone; <ohn came and

piced it +p after (or.9

7= tho+ght yo+ didn4t (ant to get rid of it9 lare remared (aling to the closet and peering inside.

Bo( only the (eights bloced her access and $en had shifted them so that they (ere less obtr+sive.

7= fig+red = might as (ell give it a(ay. We only need one coffee table9 $en replied. When he opened

the bedroom door Ctis (as blocing the door(ay his mo+th open in a pse+do5smile (hile his bacend

(agged enth+siastically. 7"ove89 $en ordered pointing to(ard his left. Ctis closed his mo+th and

seemed to give $en a s+llen loo as he sl+n o+t of the (ay.



7=4m glad = ordered the barbe+e chicen. =t (as terrific9 lare remared as they re5entered the

apartment later a styrofoam bo@ cl+tched in her hands.

7>o+ didn4t eat very m+ch9 $en replied.

7= get f+ll +icly. $esides this (ay = have a good l+nch for tomorro(.9 She t+rned to(ard $en (ith a

spontaneo+s smile.

7What;9 he ased smiling in response.

7*han yo+ for taing me o+t tonight. = (as 5 o+t of sorts earlier b+t = feel better no(.9

$en leaned for(ard and they issed. e held her closer and the styrofoam container she held creaed in

protest.

7Cops8 = better p+t this a(ay before (e4re covered in barbe+e sa+ce9 lare remared p+lling a(ay.

She (aled into the itchen. As she placed the container in the refrigerator she heard the

click...click...click of Ctis4s nails on the itchen floor. When she sh+t the door he (as standing beside

her (ith that same phony smile on his face begging to be petted. She reached over and patted the

coarse hairs atop his head for a moment trying to appease him. *hen he d+ced his head and thr+st his

cold nose beneath her sirt. lare strode p+rposef+lly to the itchen table and snatched +p the

ne(spaper. She rolled it into a tight cylinder and t+rned to(ard the dog (ith a sco(l. Ctis eyed the

(eapon in her hand and correctly :+dging her mood sc+rried from the itchen.



When lare ret+rned to the living room $en had t+rned on the television and (as seated on the sofa. 7=

tho+ght =4d chec +p on the ne(s9 he remared. 7Are yo+ going to read the paper no(;9 he ased

spotting the ob:ect in her hand.

7Bo9 she replied coming to sit beside him. 7=t4s for tomorro( morning (hen =4m p+tting on my

mae+p.9

While e *a+ght ha+cer

*he ramrod straight fig+re of a yo+ng (oman stood on the s+spension bridge t(enty feet above the river the

(ind (hipping her long blonde hair bac from her face. er prominent chin and narro(ed bl+e eyes gave her a

loo of determination. She slo(ly raised a s+are (hite envelope in both hands. After ga?ing at it lingeringly

(ith that mi@t+re of sadness and despair +s+ally reserved for f+nerals the yo+ng (oman s+atted do(n reached

bet(een the +pright railing posts and released it.

At the precise moment she let go the capricio+s (ind changed direction. *he letter that had been intended for a



(atery fate instead sailed peacef+lly over the river and became ca+ght +p in some br+sh on the far side.

At first this t+rn of events seemed inconse+ential. *he important thing had been (riting the letter it hardly

mattered ho( she disposed of it. $+t as she started (aling bac to(ard the side of the bridge (here her car (as

pared she began thining. *he envelope had been addressed simply to 6!almer9 b+t the name (as +n+s+al and

this (as a college to(n. !almer eiss had been teaching at the college for many years. A boo of his poems had

:+st been p+blished. All things considered it seemed possible that anyone finding the letter might reali?e for

(hom it (as intended.

Worse she had signed the heartfelt missive 6"ar i4 5 an odd spelling 5 short for "arielle. =f someone gave the

letter to "r. eiss he might (ell mae the connection. Especially since the letter incl+ded one of her original

poems. e (as familiar (ith her style.

*here (as nothing to be done b+t to fetch the letter bac. ather than head in the opposite direction to get her car

she decided to (al there and bac across the long bridge.

He’s teaching haucer now. "arielle tho+ght. She had signed +p for the class b+t had dropped it that first day

after someone had come into the classroom and anno+nced that there (o+ld be no class that day beca+se the

teacher (as a(ay on his honeymoon. "r. eiss on his honeymoon8 "arielle had tried to loo impassive at the

ne(s b+t she had s+ffered tremendo+sly inside.

She had become smitten by "r. eiss4 confident manner and droll English h+mor in the poetry class she had

taen. After she had discovered that "r. eiss habit+ated the cafeteria mid mornings she had dropped a class to

do lie(ise. *o her disappointment she had not been the only st+dent to fre+ent "r. eiss4 table. *here had

been generally fo+r or five of them mostly yo+ng (omen.



here are those girls now; "arielle tho+ght bitterly as she tramped the remaining yards to the end of the bridge.

"hey didn’t #eel it necessary to $urge themselves writing rash letters.

She (aled along the top of the ban. *he slope to the (ater seemed treachero+sly steep. She ept one eye on

the trees to her left trying to pinpoint the fored one that had been :+st above the envelope as she had vie(ed it

from the bridge. When she fo+nd it she stopped. She descended the ban (aling bac(ards as if do(n a

ladder. Event+ally the spiny branches of the b+shes tore at her legs ca+sing a net(or of bro(n scars to form on

her pantyhose.

"arielle finally spotted the letter. She crab5(aled to(ard it +ntil she (as able to snatch it +p (ith the tips of her

fingers. er first tho+ght (as to tear it +p b+t since she (as in s+ch a precario+s position she shoved it into the

bac pocet of her sirt. She stood +p straighter and abr+ptly t+mbled bac(ards grabbing at the b+shes b+t too

late. $efore she reali?ed (hat had happened she (as s+bmerged in icy (ater belo( the river4s s+rface.

She (as a good s(immer and reached the shore in a fe( stroes b+t its steepness made it impossible for her to

get a p+rchase. She scanned the shore. =t appeared that the slope became gentler +pstream. After m+ch effort she

finally came ashore t(enty yards from the place (here she4d gone +nder.

*his frigid d+ning s+cceeded in illing the last vestiges of her love for "r. eiss. She blamed him for all her

misfort+nes and c+rrent discomforts and only hoped she4d never see him again. *he combination of (ind and

(et made her as miserably cold as she co+ld be. She tr+dged disg+stedly to(ard the bridge 5 m+ch farther a(ay

after her s(im 5 fantasi?ing abo+t a (arm bath and some hot chocolate.

When she reached the road a horn honed startling her. 7an = give yo+ a lift;9 the panel tr+c driver ased. e





S(ept lean

*he broom stra(s made a l+lling 7 shh% shh9 so+nd against the (ooden floor of the porch. *he (oman

plying the broomstic (as peering off into the distance. As it (as pitch dar o+t she co+ldn4t hope to

(itness the fr+its of her labor. She (as :+st able to discern a small difference in tone bet(een the pitch5

blac moonless sy and the cons+mmate darness of the trees covering the ridge in the distance. *he

s+mmer air (as alive (ith the h+m of a pop+lo+s insect choir reminiscent of the so+nd of leaing gas.

A light s+ddenly (ent on ne@t to the front door of the cabin. *he (oman blined and +icly shaded

her eyes (ith one hand. She (as tall and thin her face :+st beginning to sho( the haggardness of age.

*he front door s(+ng open and a man leaned o+t. is hair (as dar for the most part b+t becoming

sparse at the temples. is stomach protr+ding beyond the edge of the screen door +pon (hich he

leaned (as far more ample than it had been in his yo+th. 7What are yo+ doing o+t here;9 he

complained s(atting at the insects that had already beg+n to collect.

7*+rn off that light9 the (oman ordered t+rning her head a(ay and res+ming her s(eeping.

*he man did as she (ished and the porch (as once more cloaed in blacness. She heard a metallic

creaing as the storm door closed and then moaning floorboards. Still she nearly :+mped (hen the man

spoe again at her very sho+lder.

7What are yo+ doing;9

7>o+ sho+ld be in bed asleep9 she co+ntered.

7= (as (orried abo+t yo+. *here are animals o+t here yo+ no(9 the man replied slapping his arm. A

mos+ito had fo+nd him.



7Animals (on4t bother me on the porch. $esides =4m armed9 the (oman replied s(atting him

playf+lly (ith the broom.

7&id (e spill something o+t here earlier that = don4t recall;9 the man ased as she res+med her tas.

7= (as :+st thining. Someho( (hen = s(eep =4m able to thin more clearly.9

*he man s(atted himself here and there in a mane+ver the (oman (o+ld have fo+nd h+moro+s if she

co+ld have seen it.

7*here4s a can of b+g spray on the itchen co+nter9 she advised. 7&o yo+ (ant to no( (hat =4ve been

thining;9

7>o+4ve probably been missing the brat9 the man replied lightly.

7&on4t call her that8 She4s a good id9 the (oman admonished.

7Well = miss her too. = tho+ght (e4d come +p here and have a (ild timeN t(o parents s+ddenly on the

loose. $+t there4s this emptiness she +sed to fill.9

7= no(9 the (oman replied s(eeping (ith rene(ed vigor.

7Why did she have to move to &enver; *here had to be a good :ob some(here closer to home9 the

man complained maing the mistae of stooping do(n to r+b both legs and getting (happed on the

chin by the top of the broomstic. 7C+ch89



7What happened;9 the (oman ased mystified.

7= bent do(n and hit yo+r broomstic (ith my face9 the man replied in a m+ffled voice.

7Sorry on. &id it r+in yo+r good loos;9 the (oman ased pa+sing :+st long eno+gh to locate and

pat her h+sband4s face.

7Bot as m+ch as the mos+ito5bite (elts on my arms and legs. an4t (e tal inside;9 the man implored

her.

7=n a min+te. = (ant to tell yo+ (hat =4ve decided o+t here beca+se this is (here = made +p my mind.9

7Abo+t (hat;9 the man ased (arily.

7= (ant to move +p here (ith yo+. !ermanently9 the (oman anno+nced ga?ing contentedly off into

the darness again.

7*here are no :obs +p here. Where (o+ld (e (or;9 the man ased.

7We co+ld find something to do. "aybe (e co+ld start a cottage ind+stry of some ind8 =t (o+ldn4t be

as e@pensive living +p here and (e4d have the e+ity from the ho+se to bac +s +p.9

7&o yo+ no( ho( cold it gets +p here in the (inter; *hat little heater in there (o+ldn4t be able to

handle it. We4d need to have a reg+lar f+rnace installed. And (e don4t have eno+gh room to store

s+pplies 5 (e4d need to add a pantry onto the cabin. We co+ldn4t possibly get it ready in time for this

(inter9 the man advised.



7We might if (e got things in motion right a(ay. We co+ld go home in the morning and p+t the ho+se

on the maret9 the (oman said.

7Anna...9

7=t (o+ld be bea+tif+l +p here in the (inter (ith all that p+re (hite sno(. And it4s so peacef+l8 We

co+ld tae !olar $ear s(ims in the lae. We co+ld go on hies and breathe the clean fresh air. We

co+ld get a(ay from o+r boring lives and get bac to nat+re live life the (ay it (as meant to be lived89

Anna e@claimed (ielding the broom so ?ealo+sly that it rose to almost (aist height on the +ps(ings.

er h+sband reached aro+nd her from behind and grasped the broomstic firmly bringing the

pend+l+m to a halt (ith an effort. 7Why do yo+ really (ant to move +p here;9 he ased softly his

voice hovering ne@t to her ear in the darness lie the persistent h+m of an insect. 7=s it that (ith all

these other changes going on yo+ thin yo+ (on4t notice that <enna is gone;9

is (ords :olted her lie the priming of a p+mp and her eyes s+ddenly overflo(ed (ith tears. She

t+rned to(ard her h+sband and he held her the broom a hard foreign presence bet(een them. When

she had event+ally cried herself o+t he too the broom and banished it to a spot against the railing. *he

first rays of da(n came +ne@pectedly revealing their tired cheerless faces.

7What say (e act lie t(o (ild parents on the loose;9 the man s+ggested stroing his (ife4s chee and

giving her a lingering iss.

7Let4s act lie t(o gl+ttons first. =4ll mae breafast9 she replied (ith a loving smile.





Wing Waler

=t (as a grainy blac and (hite photograph on stiff paper almost as thic as cardboard. *he main

ob:ect an old bi5plane (as not +ite centered. A man stood atop the +pper (ing above the plane4s t(in

cocpits. *he man (ore dar baggy tro+sers and a star (hite shirt (ith long sleeves. is arms (ere

spread (ide his hands e@tended gracef+lly as if he (ere taing a bo(. is right leg (as crossed

cas+ally over his left as if he (ere leaning against his fencepost at home carrying on a conversation

(ith a neighbor. Altho+gh almost hidden by the vertical line of his body there did appear to be some

ind of +pright pole behind him barely visible bet(een his legs. *he man4s face (hile not handsome

(as pleasing at least partly d+e to the gleef+l e@pression on his other(ise non5remarable feat+res.

7=s this grandpa or his brother;9 the dar5haired (oman ased holding o+t the photo to(ard an elderly

(oman seated in a (orn Oictorian armchair to her left. *he (oman too the photograph gingerly in her

thin arthritic fingers and moved it f+rther a(ay from her as she s+inted at it (ith her still remarable

bl+e eyes.

7Ch that (as Csgood absol+tely. See the (ay he holds himself; alph never had that ing of flair

that aplomb. $+t Csgood (as gracef+l a nat+ral. *his photo (as taen aro+nd the time = met him. =t

(as the only close5+p ever taen of him performing.9

7>o+4ll definitely (ant to tae this (ith yo+9 the dar5haired (oman said taing the photograph bac

(ith the care s+ch a treas+re deserved.

7Ch no dear = have so many photos =4m taing already.*here (ill never be eno+gh room for them all.

Why don4t yo+ tae that one; Csgood (o+ld (ant it to be passed do(n in the family.9



*he dar5haired (oman st+died the photograph a moment. She didn4t remember her grandfather at all

altho+gh there (as a photograph in her parent4s alb+m of him holding her (hen she (as :+st a baby. =n

that pict+re he displayed the same merry smile in spite of the cancer that had already decimated his

frame and had ca+sed his face to become thin and pale. e had passed a(ay before her first birthday.

7e m+st have really been something9 she remared hoping this (o+ld spar her grandmother into

reciting the familiar litany abo+t her grandfather4s achievements.

7e (as a remarable man9 the elderly (oman averred. 7e learned ho( to fly a plane in World War =

b+t before that (hen he (as only thirteen he (ored in the circ+s as a tightrope (aler. *hey even

shot him o+t of a cannon a fe( times8 e al(ays said the g+nfire d+ring the (ar didn4t eep him

a(ae. When he heard the big g+ns booming o+t he tho+ght he (as bac (ith the circ+s and slept lie

a baby. After the army he and his brother bo+ght the larissa named after their mother. *hey +sed her

for barnstorming and (hen that (ent o+t of vog+e they converted her for crop5d+sting. = met them for

the first time at the local co+nty fair. Csgood (as a fascinating man. So fascinating that = fell for him

(hen he (as all of 2 and = (as the tender age of 1'. e4d never been married before he4d :+st never

taen the time to settle do(n. = ne( = only had a (ee to mae an impression on him beca+se that

(as ho( long the fair lasted. = sho(ed +p at the fairgro+nd every morning and bro+ght him treats

things lie homemade preserves and fresh stra(berry tarts. = h+ng aro+nd for ho+rs chattering lie a

magpie chasing a(ay any other girls that (anted to monopoli?e his time. = made him tae me on

n+mero+s flights even tho+gh it made me na+seo+s and he made me pay for the privilege than yo+

very m+ch8 = never ne( ho( he felt abo+t me +ntil = arrived the last day of the fair and he commanded

me to close my eyes. e led me o+tside and = co+ld smell a strong scent in the air lie so+r mil.

$efore = co+ld g+ess (hat it (as he told me to open my eyes. *here (as the larissa (ith a ne( coat of

paint and the name 7Emmeline9 embla?oned across the side8 = ne( ho( m+ch that plane meant to

him and after that = ne( (here I stood. We got married t(o (ees later bet(een engagements.9



7Are yo+ very sorry to be leaving this ho+se grandma;9 the dar5haired (oman ased ga?ing abo+t at

the cl+ttered room. *he c+stomarily neat space (as no( filled (ith a hodgepodge of anti+es and

ne(er items bro+ght o+t into the open for their o(ner to sort thro+gh.

7= don4t regret leaving the ho+se as s+ch. = can4t eep +p (ith it anymore. = :+st (ish = didn4t have to

sell it to some stranger. =f only one of my children co+ld have +sed it8 $+t they (ere all advent+resome

lie their father and moved hither and yon (hen they (ere gro(n. *hey have all incl+ding yo+r

parents invited me to live (ith them at one time or another. $+t = lived in this to(n (ith Csgood and =

don4t (ant to move far a(ay. =4m :+st glad yo+4re close eno+gh to visit me Sye9 Emmeline

concl+ded dra(ing her grandda+ghter to her (ith a (ea (ave of her hand for a +ic h+g.

Even tho+gh she (as nearly thirty a h+g from her grandmother al(ays made Sye feel lie a little girl

again. 7=4ll visit yo+ at the ne( place grandmother9 Sye promised appalled at ho( frail and thin the

old (oman4s body felt. 7As often as = can.9

She left her grandmother4s ho+se (ith a bo@f+l of things her grandmother had (anted to 7pass on9 to

her. When she got home she h+ng the photograph of her grandfather atop the biplane and one of her

grandmother taen at abo+t the same time in a prominent place in her living room and placed the bo@

(ith the rest of its contents in the corner of the bedroom. Sye fo+nd she lied the photographs so

m+ch she had copies made and displayed them in her office at (or. =t (asn4t long before a co5(orer

noticed them.

7Where did yo+ get these;9 Amanda ased st+dying the pict+res intently. As Sye had placed them on

top of the boocase across from her des she (as th+s accosted by a closer than desirable vie( of

Amanda4s ample derriere (hen she looed +p to see (hat the (oman (as referring to.

7*hose are my grandparents9 Sye informed her tapping her pen against a thic pad of paper her



impatience m+ffled by the deadening +ality of the pad.

7eally;9 Amanda replied (ith s+rprise. 7>o+r grandmother loos lie one of those silent movie

actresses (ith her bobbed hair and big eyes. She (as very pretty.9

7She4s still a bea+tif+l (oman9 Sye remared some(hat mollified by Amanda4s complement.

7o( old is she no(;9 Amanda ased.

7=n her early nineties9 Sye replied. 7= :+st helped her move into an assisted5living apartment. She :+st

isn4t capable of taing care of a ho+se anymore.9

Amanda contin+ed scr+tini?ing the photographs. 7=s yo+r grandfather still alive too;9

7Bo. e passed a(ay (hen = (as :+st a baby. e had (ored (ith a lot of strong pesticides (hen he

(as a crop5d+ster and they thin that4s (hat ca+sed the cancer that illed him.9

7*hat4s (hy they named yo+ Sye isn4t it;9 Amanda e@claimed t+rning s+ddenly to(ard her as if

str+c (ith divine inspiration. 7$eca+se of yo+r grandfather4s aerial st+nts;9

7Bo9 Sye informed her regretf+lly. As pompo+s as the (oman (as she hated to disappoint her. 7"y

mother4s favorite boo (hen = (as born (as 6Sye ameron4 by !hyllis A. Whitney. = (as named after

the main character.9

7Bever heard of it9 Amanda replied dismissively t+rning bac to(ard the pict+res. She s+ddenly

started to la+gh. 7=t is ironic yo+ no( yo+r grandfather being a daredevil. What (ith yo+r thing abo+t

bridges.9



Sye had often regretted that it had been Amanda (ho had ans(ered the phone that day and that she

hadn4t been able to come +p (ith some tall tale abo+t (hy she co+ldn4t ret+rn to (or that afternoon.

She remembered the incident as distinctly as if it had happened that very day. Dp +ntil the incident she

had al(ays (aled to (or from the train station a half5mile tre that involved crossing a massive iron

bridge on foot to get to the north side of the river. =t (as a (al she en:oyed most mornings

invigorating her for the day ahead. =n the early afternoon she had crossed the bridge from north to so+th

to meet a former co5(orer for l+nch.

=t (as at some point d+ring that l+nch that "ia had remared 7= don4t no( ho( yo+ can stand

crossing that bridge every day. *hat (as one of the reasons = (as so glad (hen this :ob opened +p so =

co+ld (or on this side of the river.9 She tapped her inde@ finger do(n +pon the table for emphasis.

At the time Sye had tho+ght her friend4s remar (as ridic+lo+s. 7What4s so bad abo+t crossing the

river; *he bridge is st+rdy. =t4s perfectly safe.9

7So it (o+ld seem. $+t they do raise that bridge yo+ no( to let boats go +nder so :+st ho( st+rdy

can it be; And there4s all that traffic (hi??ing by :+st a fe( feet a(ay8 =t +sed to scare me (itless. =4d

hate to admit ho( many times = gave in to panic and bolted across9 "ia e@plained tearing a roll to

pieces (ith both hands as she taled.

At the time Sye had dismissed it all as nonsense. "ia (as obvio+sly too highly str+ng. $+t (hen she

had stepped +pon the bridge on her (ay bac to (or she had s+ddenly noticed ho( m+ch the metal

beneath her feet vibrated as traffic moved past her. She had pa+sed near the railing to loo do(n and

had reali?ed for the first time (hat a long drop it (as to the (ater4s s+rface. A tall (oman she had

noted that the iron railing did not in fact even come +p to her (aist. =f someone came by and



accidentally b+mped into her as she stood near it she co+ld easily t+mble over8

She (as s+ddenly rooted to the spot staring at the +nd+lating s+rface of the (ater belo( her. Dnable to

proceed she felt as if the (ater (as beconing to her as if it (ere her ine@orable fate to fall from the

bridge to her death belo(. )or someone +n+sed to s+icidal tho+ghts this insistent and ine@plicable

feeling almost a yearning (as terrifying to her and a r+sh of adrenaline s+ddenly flooded her body. =t

(as this that finally gave her the impet+s to move. *+rning in panic she dashed bac the fe( yards to

safety to a concrete side(al that (as solid and st+rdy and didn4t move at the (him of passing

vehicles. Shaen by her e@perience and +nable to thin rationally she had (andered to the nearest fast

food place and called (or to tell them she co+ldn4t ret+rn that day and had regretably not hesitated to

tell Amanda (hy.

Since then she had taen to riding the b+s across the bridge gripping the top of the seat in front of her

and t+rning her head to avoid the vie( o+t the (indo( as they proceeded across her heart po+nding in

tempo to her fear +ntil they (ere safely over. Every time she rode across she felt foolish and (ea and

berated herself for giving in to her phobia. She had avoided "ia ever since that damnable l+nch date

blaming her for ca+sing the (hole thing. She (as certain that (itho+t "ia4s s+ggestion it (o+ld never

have occ+rred to her to feel +nsafe +pon the bridge.

Event+ally Sye finally started going thro+gh the memorabilia in the bo@ she had bro+ght home from

her grandmother4s ho+se. She caref+lly p+t aside her mother4s baby shoes and a small ponytail from

her first hairc+t. She sorted thro+gh n+mero+s photographs of her mother and a+nts and +ncles gro(ing

+p in (hat had at that time been an almost r+ral setting. She p+t aside matching table lamps and an

oriental print.

She finally p+lled a severely yello(ed ne(spaper clipping from the bottom of the bo@. *here (as a

landbo+nd photograph of the Emmeline on the front page (ith grandfather Csgood and his brother



alph posing in the foregro+nd. $eneath the photo the caption read 7*he Scott $rothers fle( a(ay

(ith the Kingston o+nty )air9. Sye settled into her favorite chair and read the article.

As she lay in bed that night she recalled Amanda4s remar abo+t the irony of her grandfather being a

daredevil in light of her fear of bridges. &idn4t blood stand for anything; Cf co+rse she reali?ed that a

person4s mae5+p is determined by more than mere genetics b+t hadn4t she inherited any of her

grandfather4s advent+resome spirit at all;

She called her grandmother the follo(ing day. 7Frandma there4s something = (o+ld lie to no(

abo+t grandpa.9

7What is it honey;9

7o( did he do it; *he (ing (aling = mean. o( did he feel safe eno+gh to stand +p there (hile the

plane fle( +pside do(n; o( did he stand on his head and no( he (o+ldn4t lose his balance; o(

did he handle it all;9 Sye ased then listened intently for her grandmother4s reply.

7Ah it (asn4t all bravery yo+ no(9 her grandmother replied. 7!art of it (as science 5 centrif+gal

force. When the plane moved for(ard at a certain rate of speed the res+lting air press+re pinned him to

that pole on the +pper (ing. =n fact alph +sed to have to drop the plane s+ddenly to relieve the force

eno+gh for Csgood to get +p from those headstands.9

7entrif+gal force9 Sye m+ttered. *his co+ld hardly be the ey she (as searching for to cope (ith

her o(n problems. er disappointment m+st have been revealed in her voice for her grandmother

piced +p the s+b:ect again.

7entrif+gal force helped in the $articular st+nts yo+ mentioned. $+t there (ere others that involved



hanging from the (ing by a hand by his legs or by a rope. *hen he (as in real danger of falling. =

remember (hen he (as going to do a mane+ver for the first time he (o+ld become J not frightened

b+t nervo+s. =t (as the only time he co+ld best me at chattering. e (o+ld tell me over and over ho(

he had tho+ght it o+t and ho( the st+nt sho+ld (or. =t (as one thing to practice it on the gro+nd b+t

things (ere al(ays different (hen he act+ally attempted it +p in the air. Cnce he had s+ccessf+lly

p+lled off a st+nt for the first time he never (orried abo+t it again. *o him it (o+ld have been a (aste

of time to give it another moment4s tho+ght.9

*hat fall the b+s drivers (ent on strie. Sye arranged to drive to (or (ith a co(orer (ho normally

drove to (or every day. $+t the co(orer called that morning and advised Sye that her car (o+ld not

start. Bot no(ing (hat else to do Sye drove to the train station as +s+al and ca+ght her reg+lar train

for the comm+te do(nto(n. She decided she (o+ld :+st have to tae a ta@i to (or from the station.

$+t this proved to be impossible. )e( cabs roaming the street in front of the train station (ere empty

and those that (ere (ere +icly commandeered by those (ho happened to be standing in the right

place at the right time. Sye began (aling north(ard to(ard (or to(ard the bridge hoping that

something (o+ld happen on the (ay to aid her in crossing the river. $+t before long she stood helpless

facing the metal giant that separated her from (or. o( co+ld she possibly get to the other side; She

co+ld already feel fear rising (ithin her.

=t (as the (ind that first bro+ght her grandfather to mind. *he (ind (as g+sty that day as it often (as

in the city and it accosted her (ith considerable force. She co+ld almost imagine (hat it (o+ld be lie

standing atop a biplane (ith the (ind b+ffeting her body pressing her bac sec+rely against the s+pport

pole in effect connecting her to the plane.

She remembered her grandmother telling her that once her grandfather had performed a ne( st+nt he

never (orried abo+t it again. o( many times had she crossed this very bridge before; She had



(ored on the other side of the river for over three years before her fear developed something lie a

tho+sand days of (or crossing the bridge at least t(ice each day. er grandfather (o+ld have tho+ght

her foolish (orrying over something she had proven to herself that she co+ld do so many times.

She stepped o+t onto the bridge. Altho+gh the (al(ay vibrated from the passing vehicles Sye co+ld

still imagine she felt the biplane pole against her bac impelling her along (ith dignity. She tho+ght of

the ne(spaper article she had no( read several times abo+t her grandfather performing at the Kingston

o+nty )air. She follo(ed his feats in her mind4s eye her steadily moving feet almost breaing into a

:ig as he did smiling softly (hen the biplane t+rned +pside do(n and the cro(d (as as one str+c

(ith a(e. *he (al(ay of the bridge (as not +nlie a plane4s (ing long and narro(. $+t all she (as

re+ired to do (as (al. ompared to her grandfather4s mane+vers it proved ridic+lo+sly easy.

Cnce she gained the other side she felt :+bilant :+st as she imagined her grandfather had felt after a

s+ccessf+l performance. *here (as no cro(d to cheer her b+t she pict+red her grandfather4s gleef+l

smile the one from the old photographs and claimed it as her re(ard.



&rining Li+id Amethysts

=t co+ld be inconvenient living in apartment n+mber -.

=t (as one of the nicer apartments in the b+ilding. *he previo+s tenant had paid o+t of his o(n pocet to have the

fireplace restored and the bathroom had at some point been completely g+tted and moderni?ed. =f yo+ looed in

the right direction o+t of the living room (indo( on a s+nny day yo+ co+ld catch a glint of s+nlight reflecting

off of Lae "ichigan. *he apartment (as sit+ated only t(o blocs from the hospital (here "att (ored. =n

some (ays the circ+mstances (ere ideal.

*he real problem (ith living in apartment n+mber - had to do (ith apartment n+mber /. Bo one co+ld ever find

it.

*he door to apartment n+mber / (as at the top of a small flight of stairs at the end of the third floor hall(ay. *he

only light at that end of the hall(ay at night (as a pale glo( that seeped thro+gh the te@t+red hall (indo( from

the streetlight o+tside. =t (as impossible for those +nfamiliar (ith the b+ilding to tell that there (as anything

there at all.



Anyone searching for the attic apartment invariably in+ired of the occ+pant of apartment n+mber -. *his had

not been m+ch of a problem (hen "att had moved into the b+ilding as the previo+s tenant of the attic apartment

had had fe( visitors. $+t no( there (as rarely a (ee that passed in (hich "att (as not re+ired to direct

n+mero+s p+rveyors of aromatic bro(n bags to the door of apartment n+mber /.

=t (as not so m+ch that "att minded doing this as that it made him increasingly c+rio+s abo+t the person living

above him. When the delivery people came to his door they (o+ld as for his neighbor by name 5 only "att

co+ldn4t tell (hat they (ere trying to say. *ypical (as one older gentleman (ho had stood mesmeri?ed by the

green receipt stapled to the bag in his hands repeating 7StoneG StoneG StoneG9 as if it (ere his mantra.

=t (as an odd thing abo+t the tenant4s mailbo@ too. All the others (ere labeled in one fashion or another b+t the

one for the attic apartment had only the n+mber / on it. =n a city the si?e of hicago it seemed foolish not to

label a mailbo@ almost as if the occ+pant didn4t care if their mail (ent astray or not.

S+re eno+gh one day (hen "att came home from (or he fo+nd misdirected mail in his mailbo@ that he

reali?ed m+st belong to his +pstairs neighbor. =t (as addressed to )ranie Stonecipher the name and address

(ritten in a tight restricted hand that seemed perfectly legible b+t (as nonetheless diffic+lt to mae o+t.

"att (as abo+t to prop the envelope +p on the ledge above the mailbo@es (hen he decided to be bolder and

bring it +pstairs himself. After all he lived only a short flight of steps a(ay from the addressee.

When "att reached the third floor he passed his o(n apartment door and contin+ed on. As he neared the far end

of the hall he began to feel lie a trespasser. e stopped at the foot of the stairs and looed +p to(ard the thic

(aln+t5stained door of n+mber /. *he rest of the hall(ay (as p+blicN everyone had a right to pass thro+gh it. $+t

the only reason to ascend these stairs (as to go to this one apartment 5 the stairs (ere +n+estionably part of the

territory of the tenant living above. *hey (ere even covered (ith a different color and type of carpeting an

impractical beige velo+r as if to emphasi?e the proprietary change. "att too a deep breath and proceeded



gingerly +p the steps.

e (as both e@cited and nervo+s lie a child in the process of p+lling a pran. Cnce he had reached the landing

in front of the door he e@perienced a moment of indecision. =t seemed intr+sive to noc for s+ch a small thing

and in any event there (ere no so+nds emanating from the apartment to indicate that the occ+pant (as home. e

decided it (o+ld be best to slip the letter +nder the door and leave.

*he gap bet(een the door and the carpeting (as (ide. e nelt and placed the envelope face +p +nder the edge

of the door and tapped it sharply. =t scooted easily +nderneath and (as soon properly inside the apartment. Cnce

he had accomplished his goal "att stood and t+rned to go.

And that (as (hen the tempest hit.

e still had both feet on the landing (hen the door behind him b+rst open and a lo+d voice demanded 7What in

the hell do yo+ thin yo+4re doing; o( dare yo+ sho( +p here lie this;9 "att (as so startled that he almost

lost his balance preparing as he had been to begin do(n the steps and he grabbed at the railing for s+pport.

When he had regained his e+ilibri+m he t+rned to face his acc+ser.

=f he had been startled by the (ords h+rled after him the appearance of the voice4s o(ner astonished him. =n the

door(ay p+ffed (ith anger stood a tall (oman (ith bla?ing eyes. er hair (as thic and short in fact it looed

as if it had been randomly haced off instead of c+t. =t reminded "att of his niece4s $arbie doll after she had

given it an over5enth+siastic trim. As ragged as the $arbie4s hair had looed she4d at least had the advantage of

sporting hair all one color. *his (oman4s hair (as chestn+t bro(n from the roots to abo+t three5+arters do(n

and honey blonde from there on do(n to its erratic edges.

er attire appeared to have been taen from someone else4s closet. She (ore an +nseasonable bl+e plaid shirt

that (as so oversi?ed it completely hid her fig+re. Dnder the shirt4s +nt+ced tails appeared coral s(eatpants that



had loose folds lie an elephant4s sin. er feet (ere bare and seemed childlie and v+lnerable astride the beige

carpet that contin+ed on into the apartment.

As "att too in her eclectic appearance the e@pression on the (oman4s face t+rned from anger to s+rprise and

finally to contrition. 7Ch =4m sorry. = sa( the hand(riting on the envelope and = tho+ght... =4m sorr y9 she

repeated r+nning the fingers of one hand thro+gh her thic hair as if this might improve her disheveled

appearance.

Some (ords finally formed in "att4s conf+sed mind and he offered them +p for her cons+mption. 7*hat letter

(as in (ith my mail. = live in n+mber - :+st do(nstairs so = tho+ght = (o+ld drop it by.9

7*han yo+9 the (oman said (ith a s+dden +iry smile. =t occ+rred to "att that in spite of the s+rro+nding

chaos her face (as really rather pleasing (ith l+mino+s ha?el eyes prominent cheebones and a strong chin.

)or the first time "att noted the strong smell of cigarettes emanating from the apartment. e co+ldn4t really see

into the apartment as the (oman effectively bloced most of the door(ay. e co+ld :+st spy a painting propped

+p on an artist4s easel an abstract in dar m+ted tones. Any of the abstract art he had ever seen had been

rendered in bright colorsN (hite red yello(. e had al(ays tho+ght of abstract art as cheerf+l if manic. $+t

vie(ing the painting in the (oman4s apartment (as lie looing at a m+d p+ddle on a dismal rainy day.

7=4d better get going. = (as abo+t to mae dinner9 the (oman remared preparing to sh+t the door.

7Bo tae o+t tonight;9 "att ased immediately regretting it.

*he (oman looed at him (ith rene(ed s+rprise. 7What;9 she ased tilting her head in an almost birdlie

fashion.



7When the delivery men come (ith yo+r food they sometimes have tro+ble finding this apartment and they

noc on my door. = don4t mind it or anything9 he added +icly 7= :+st co+ldn4t help noticing that yo+ have

tae o+t food often.9

7Ch. = never tho+ght abo+t that9 she replied tho+ghtf+lly.

7So yo+r name is )ranie9 he remared.

7)rancesca act+ally9 she said. 7=sn4t that a pretentio+s name to b+rden a child (ith;9

7= don4t no( = thin it4s pretty9 "att replied feeling foolish as soon as he4d said it.

7$+t there are certain e@pectations attached to it9 )ranie replied. 7!eople e@pect a )rancesca to be bea+tif+l

elegant e@otic in a E+ropean sort of (ay. =t4s a hard name to live +p to. *hat4s (hy = go by )ranie. = can get +p

in the morning loo in the mirror at the bleary eyes and the (ild hair and say 6yep that4s )ranie49. She said this

(ith bravado b+t her e@pressive eyes belied her +nhappiness.

"att looed a(ay +ncertain ho( to respond. After a strained silence he remared 7"y name is "atthe( b+t

most people call me "att.9

7"att9 she repeated appraising him as she might an e@ample of another artist4s (or. 7>es = thin it s+its yo+.

Dncomplicated do(n to earth practical.9

"att reali?ed he4d never really tho+ght abo+t the appropriateness of his name before. e had al(ays taen it for

granted lie his bro(n eyes and hair. *he notion that this odd (oman might be more int+itive than he (as

dist+rbed him vag+ely. Avoiding her in+isitive ga?e he glanced beyond her and his eyes pa+sed once more on

the m+ry canvas inside the apartment.





slacs h+ng on the right and "ichelle4s more colorf+l b+t tastef+l coordinates h+ng on the left. er (icer

rocing chair cro+ched ne@t to her side of the closet rarely +sed. Cne of them 5 probably "ichelle 5 had hinted

that the chair (o+ld come in +sef+l for calming crany infants some day.

Someho( (hen he closed his eyes tight and imagined himself in his c+stomary place in the condomini+m bed

"att felt safer. Bot safer in the sense that he feared his city apartment (o+ld be broen intoN in the t(o years he

had lived there no one had been bothered by intr+ders to his no(ledge and he felt the chances of it happening

(ere slim. What he felt v+lnerable to in his one bedroom (al5+p (as loneliness.

*he ne@t evening there (as a noc on the door. "att e@pected it to be another fast5food delivery person b+t

this time it (as a man in a gray s+it looing rather annoyed.

7an = help yo+;9 "att ased.

7=4ve been (andering these halls for ages9 the man complained. 7Where in the (orld is apartment /;9 e (as

taller than "att (ith close5cropped blonde hair and piercing eyes. e (as reasonably attractive e@cept for a

slightly misshapen nose and a do+r e@pression. "att co+ldn4t help (ondering abo+t the nat+re of the association

bet(een the br+s+e b+sinessman and his +nconventional neighbor +pstairs.

"att stepped for(ard into the hall(ay. 7>o+ go to the end of the hall and mae a left +p a flight of stairs9 he

e@plained pointing to(ard the softly glo(ing (indo(.

7*here sho+ld be a sign or something. o( do they e@pect anyone to find it; &o yo+ no( if she4s home;9 the

man ased abr+ptly. 7= mean have yo+ heard anyone (aling aro+nd +p there tonight;9

7Bo = haven4t really noticed9 "att replied taen abac. 7&idn4t she b+?? yo+ into the b+ilding;9



7*hans9 the man snapped ignoring "att4s +estion. e t+rned and strode p+rposef+lly to(ard the (indo( end

of the hall(ay.

"att forgot abo+t his neighbor4s visitor as he read his ne(spaper. $+t the matter (as forced bac +pon him

(hen he s+ddenly heard noises from +pstairs first raised voices and then banging and clanging so+nds. At first

"att fo+nd himself hoping (ryly that the arrogant man in the gray s+it (as getting the (orst of the e@change b+t

as the so+nds contin+ed he began to (orry abo+t the (elfare of his neighbor. <+st (hen he had decided he had

better r+n +pstairs and chec on her he heard a door slam follo(ed shortly by footsteps that passed his door

rapidly on their (ay to the main stairs.

"att had settled do(n to (atch a doc+mentary on television (hen someone noced on his door. e (aled to

the door and peered thro+gh the peephole. =t (as )ranie. She (as looing do(n(ards apparently at something

in her hands. She noced again.

7"att are yo+ there;9 she called. er voice had a childishly (istf+l tone and she so+nded nothing lie the

termagant she had appeared to be (hen they had first met. =t s+ddenly occ+rred to "att that he (as perhaps the

only person she had to tal to. e rel+ctantly opened the door.

She gave him one of her odd sporadic smiles. She (as holding a bottle of (ine that she (aved in his direction.

7= tho+ght yo+ might (ant to share some Oin $lanc8 Cr (e co+ld add some color and mae it Oin o+ge Oin

$le+ Oin <a+ne... 9 "att tho+ght she (as :oing b+t s+re eno+gh she (as holding +p a small bo@ of food

coloring in her other hand.

e co+ldn4t help smiling in spite of himself. 7ome on in9 he said opening the door (ider.

7Wo( flat (alls89 she said looing aro+nd her. 7"y (alls are slanted yo+ no(N (ell t(o of the fo+r. *he

longest t(o. What are yo+ +p to;9



7= (as (atching a doc+mentary abo+t "edieval times9 "att e@plained.

7What4s happening no(;9 )ranie ased as a (oman in period clothing on the television screen s+ddenly

s(ooned and collapsed.

7*hey4re taling abo+t the $+bonic !lag+e9 "att replied sheepishly.

7What a horrible (ay to spend a Sat+rday evening89 )ranie e@claimed t+rning a(ay from the grim reenactment

of the $lac &eath as it claimed more victims. 7What ind of m+sic do yo+ lie to listen to;9 she ased

(andering to(ard the stereo on the far side of the room.

7"ichelle my e@5(ife lied m+sicN = +sed to listen to (hatever she had on. Bo( = don4t listen to it at all9 "att

admitted.

7=4ve never heard of anyone getting c+stody of music9 )ranie remared. 7Why don4t yo+ t+rn off the *O; =4ll

let yo+ listen to some of my m+sic.9

"att obliged. )ranie placed the (ine bottle and accessories on the coffee table and s+atted do(n before the

stereo (ith the simple grace of a native. "att came over and t+rned it on for her and she +icly t+ned in the

station she desired. Soft :a?? insin+ated itself into the room. "att (as s+rprised e@pecting more t+rb+lent m+sic

to strie the fancy of s+ch a merc+rial character.

7*here9 she said. 7Bo( (e can +ncor the bottle or +nt(ist the cap or do (hatever is re+ired to get the (ine

flo(ing.9

"att got t(o (ine glasses from the itchen and (iped them o+t. *hey (ere almost as d+sty as his stereo.



When he bro+ght the glasses to the table he fo+nd that )ranie had opened the bo@ of food coloring and set o+t

fo+r little teardrop5shaped bottles. 7We have to pic o+t o+r colors first. = thin it (ill mi@ better if yo+ p+t the

coloring in the glass before the (ine don4t yo+;9 she ased.

7= s+ppose9 "att agreed removing the (rapping from the top of the (ine bottle. *here (as a cor blocing its

gracef+l nec and he retrieved a corscre( from the itchen to attend to it.

)ranie piced +p the bottle of bl+e food coloring and s+ee?ed it gingerly releasing a fe( drops of li+id into

her glass. She did the same (ith red.

"att filled her glass (atching as the colors mi@ed and spread and became incorporated (ith the (ine. *he

contents of the glass became a vivid p+rple brighter than the tints )ranie seemed (ont to +se in her painting.

7*his (ill be lie drining li+id amethysts89 she said gleef+lly. 7Bo( (hat color (ill you choose;9

"att considered the possibilities. e remembered (hen he (as a child his mother had mi@ed green food

coloring into his mil on St. !atric4s &ay and it had been diffic+lt for him to drin it. e4d had similar

e@periences (ith bl+e. ed (o+ld be +nimaginative. 7= g+ess =4ll choose yello(9 he said.

)ranie shoo her head in disapproval. 7>ello( alone (o+ld loo lie cheap lemonade or flat beer9 she

admonished. 7Why don4t (e start o+t the same;9 She proceeded to s+ee?e red and bl+e drops into the other

glass lie an ancient alchemist at (or. "att filled it (ith (ine and it became precisely the same color as the

li+id in )ranie4s glass.

)ranie +icly finished her glass of (ine and flipped the cap off of the little green and yello( bottles. She

dispensed all fo+r colors into her glass. When "att filled it (ith (ine the res+lt (as a disappointing m+ddy

color. 7=sn4t that :+st lie life; "i@ all the bright and happy things together and yo+ end +p (ith sl+dge9 )ranie



remared.

"att (o+ldn4t have admitted it b+t the dismal color in her glass reminded him of )ranie4s art(or.

7= imagine yo+ heard some lo+d noises earlier9 )ranie said. 7*he (alls of this old place co+ldn4t be st+rdy

eno+gh to have bloced them o+t.9 )ranie ga?ed steadily into her (ine glass as if there (ere something vital in

its m+ry depths.

7>es = did hear noises. Are yo+ all right;9 "att ased his conscience reproaching him for not having gone to

chec on her d+ring the r+c+s.

7S+re9 she said shr+gging. 7"y e@5h+sband came for a s+rprise visit. e :+st (anted to remind me that =4ve

been neglecting o+r da+ghter. e (as so sm+g = got +pset and thre( everything handy in his general direction.9

"att co+ldn4t imagine )ranie and the man in the gray s+it getting along 5 she (as lie fine imported olive oil

(hile he (as ins+bstantial lie tap (ater.

7=t4s not that = don4t (ant to see hristina. =4ve ached for her every moment since = moved o+t9 )ranie pa+sed

still mesmeri?ed by the contents of her (ine glass. When she looed +p at "att a moment later her ha?el eyes

(ere glistening (ith +nshed tears. 7&o yo+ no( (hat my da+ghter said to me the last time = sa( her;9 she

ased.

7What;9 he ased.

74>o+4re not my mommy. "y mommy is bea+tif+l.49

As "att stood ga?ing into )ranie4s grief5stricen face he reali?ed that even (ith her m+tilated t(o5toned hair



and baggy shapeless clothes she (as absol+tely striing. er eyes (ere almost +nbelievably large and brilliant.

7o( old is hristina;9 "att ased softly.

7She t+rned fo+r last "arch9 )ranie said.

7>o+ can4t tae serio+sly (hat she said )ranie. She probably :+st felt a((ard at first9 "att said. 7Whenever

= see my niece it taes a (hile for her to (arm +p to me again.9

7Bo no it4s not that9 )ranie said shaing her head emphatically. 7=t4s all "artin4s fa+lt. &on4t yo+ see; e

sho(s hristina old pict+res of me from (hen = (as modeling. e eeps one of them in a frame ne@t to

hristina4s bed. *here = am (ith po+ty rose5colored lips and ohl eye shado( +p to my bro(s (earing some

silver se+ined thing. "artin tells her 6*hat4s yo+r mommy honey.4 And then she sees me as = really am as = am

no( and she re:ects me. <+st lie he re:ected me (hen = (asn4t (illing to live +p to his e@pectations anymore.9

She s+ddenly drained her glass of the blea (ine as if she (ere g+lping do(n her distastef+l memories.

At first the declaration that she had been a model s+rprised "att beca+se of her lac of care regarding her

appearance. $+t then he reali?ed that her c+rrent disheveled appearance m+st be the baclash from her previo+s

e@periences (ith her e@5h+sband and (ith her former career.

7= didn4t mean to bring my problems do(n here (ith me9 she remared in a s+bd+ed voice. 7!erhaps yo+4d

have been better off (ith the plag+e. "ay = have some more (ine please; <+st straight no color.9

"att po+red her a glass b+t said 7=t4s not good to :+st drin (ine all evening. o( abo+t ordering a pi??a; "y

treat.9

7All right9 )ranie replied some of her enth+siasm reviving. 7Cnly (hy don4t (e go o+t an pic it +p instead of



having them deliver it; = haven4t been o+t in days and =4m dying for some fresh air.9

*he air o+tside (as pleasantly cooler than the m+ggy atmosphere inside the apartment b+ilding. )ranie4s mood

had become more lacadaisical once they4d reached street level and she sa+ntered rather than (aled do(n the

side(al. "att had to ad:+st his stride accordingly. e (as +sed to (aling p+rposef+llyN on his (ay to (or or

to the Fothic ch+rch (here he had beg+n attending services or to :og along the laefront. =t (as diffic+lt for him

to move slo(ly (itho+t feeling as if he (ere (asting time.

)ranie appeared more lighthearted o+t5of5doors. 7= never go o+t d+ring the day9 she remared. 7*here are :+st

too many people in the city and = hate being :ostled or stared at. = go o+t to do my la+ndry at last load time nine

p.m. And = +s+ally (ait +ntil 2 a.m. or so to do my grocery shopping. *he store on Addison is open all night.9

7&on4t yo+ thin that4s a dangero+s time to be o+t alone; I (o+ldn4t feel safe going shopping in the city at 2P00

a.m.9 "att ca+tioned her.

7>o+ (o+ldn4t do a lot of things = imagine9 )ranie remared (ryly.

7What do yo+ mean;9 "att ased.

7= mean if this (ere the "iddle Ages yo+4d be hiding in a corner some(here (ashing yo+r hands every t(o

min+tes for fear of the plag+e9 she acc+sed playf+lly.

"att tho+ght abo+t her remar for a moment. 7So am = too ca+tio+s or a co(ard;9 he event+ally ased.

7= don4t no(. "aybe both9 she replied ingen+o+sly.

er criticism st+ng and "att lapsed into silence.



)ranie delved one of her hands +nder the tail of her capacio+s shirt and it event+ally reappeared cl+tching a

cr+mpled cigarette pac from some hidden pocet. She had to practically tear it to shreds to e@tract the one

remaining cigarette.

*he match light flicered over her fine feat+res as she inhaled deeply ca+sing the end of the cigarette to glo(

orange. She e@ting+ished the match (ith a flic of her hand and tossed it to the gro+nd pa+sing to grind it into

the side(al (ith the toe of her (orn sneaer.

7= hope yo+ don4t mind me smoing o+t here9 )ranie remared.

7Bot at all.9 "att really didn4t mind it. e4d never been a smoer and as a (orer in the health field he didn4t

condone the habit b+t his parents had both smoed d+ring his childhood and the smell of cigarettes al(ays

bro+ght them to mind. *o him it (as almost a pleasing odor reminiscent of home and sec+rity.

7=4m not (hat yo+ thin = am9 )ranie anno+nced s+ddenly.

7What;9 "att ased taen abac by her abr+ptness.

7= no( (hat yo+ thin abo+t me. >o+ thin =4m (ea +sing cigarettes and alcohol as cr+tches. =t4s not tr+e 5

=4m not addicted to either of them. =4m :+st playing toying (ith the idea of ab+sing them. *hat4s not my real

nat+re. Cne day =4ll :+st give them +p both of them. = co+ld do it anytime9 )ranie insisted.

7)ranie =4ve met so many people (ho said they co+ld +it G9 "att began +ietly.

7Well I’m not lie those people89 she interr+pted him. 7=4m not :+st taling. =4m +itting.9 And (ith that she

tossed the cigarette to the side(al and gro+nd it +nderfoot as she had the match e@cept longer and harder as if



in revenge for some (rong it had done her. 7*hat4s that9 she said moving on (ith a previo+sly lacing sense of

p+rpose. "att had to sprint a fe( steps to catch +p.

e (as beginning to feel tired not so m+ch physically as emotionally. )ranie4s intensity co+ld be trying. 7So

(here did yo+ order the pi??a from;9 he ased.

7<+st one more bloc do(n and one over9 )ranie replied. 7=t4s called 6Bicy4s4.9

7= thin =4ve seen it9 "att said.

7>o+4ve probably taled to at least one of their deliverymen. = order food from there a lot. *hey have great bread

stics.9

7So (hy do yo+ eat so m+ch tae o+t food; >o+ :+st don4t lie to coo;9 "att ased as they made their t+rn

moments later.

7=t4s not that so m+ch. =t :+st seems lie s+ch a treat to be able to have anything = (ant for dinner as if = (ere

rich or something. = don4t eat m+ch d+ring the day 5 maybe a co+ple of pieces of fr+it 5 so it4s not really s+ch a

spl+rge money5(ise9 )ranie said.

"att had to restrain himself from going into a lect+re abo+t n+trition. e ne( she (o+ld certainly tae offense

if he did.

*he atmosphere on LaSalle (as maredly different from the residential side streets they had been (aling along.

*here (as an almost constant stream of vehicles coming from either direction and the (ide street (as lined (ith

b+sinesses of all inds. *here (ere pocets of other pedestrians as (ell and it (asn4t long before "att noticed

the attention they (ere paying to his companion. er efforts to do(nplay her loos had the opposite effect to the



one he felt she intended and people ga?ed at her (ith an almost r+de intensity. $+t )ranie either didn4t notice

or pretended not to.

Bicy4s (as a typical establishment for the area narro( and deep and +nremarable in appearance. *he tables

(ere arranged (ith only a narro( aisle bet(een them to allo( the ma@im+m +se of space and as "att follo(ed

)ranie to(ard the co+nter at the far end he had to eep a sharp looo+t to avoid b+mping his thighs against

tables that had been n+dged o+t of place by patrons of (hich there (ere still +ite a fe(.

*he man behind the co+nter greeted them (ith a minim+m of co+rtesy. 7>es;9 he bared (iping contin+ally at

the co+nter (ith a rag as if the s+ccess of the b+siness depended on his constant ind+stry. is face (as a net(or

of fine lines his +pper lip the (ea type that (o+ld have looed better adorned by a m+stache. "att (ondered if

he had neglected to gro( one simply beca+se it (o+ld have been clichH for a pi??a maer.

7We4re here to pic +p a pi??a. *he last name is ale9 )ranie informed him. She had insisted on +sing "att4s

last name (hen ordering as it (as so m+ch easier to spell than her o(n.

*he man t+rned and yelled into the itchen area behind him 7!i??a for ale89 "att co+ldn4t help thining he

so+nded lie a street vendor calling 7!i??a for Sale89

Someone in the b+stling itchen heeded his call and a flat bro(n bo@ (as +icly passed o+t to him. *he man

shoved the pi??a to(ard them so energetically that it might have fallen over the edge of the co+nter if )ranie

hadn4t stopped it (ith her hand.

7*hat4ll be Q1,.119 *he man said flatly.

As "att co+nted o+t the money )ranie ased the man 7Are yo+ Bicy;9



7>eah9 he replied shortly.

7>o+r son maes some of yo+r deliveries doesn4t he; e4s a nice boy9 )ranie remared.

7>eah he4s Bicy too9 the man said his voice softening a bit.

7= gave him a small painting. = don4t no( if he sho(ed it to yo+9 )ranie said.

7>eah; >o+4re the painter;9 Bicy ased (arming +p to her. *here (as a spar to his bro(n eyes that had been

missing before. 7Loo (e p+t it on the (all right over there near the restrooms.9 e pointed to their right.

)ranie (aled hesitantly in the direction he had indicated as "att tried to hand Bicy the money for the pi??a.

7Bah never mind9 Bicy said (aving it a(ay. 7We o(e her yo+ no( for the painting.9

"att piced +p the pi??a bo@ and (aled over to )ranie. She had stopped several feet a(ay from the (all and

(as ga?ing at a small gray5toned painting h+ng at abo+t eye4s height. She had a beatific loo on her face as if

the e@perience of seeing her painting hanging in a pi??eria (as intensely meaningf+l to her.

7=t4s a seag+ll right;9 came Bicy4s booming voice. "att (as startledN he hadn4t reali?ed Bicy had follo(ed

them.

*he painting had a dar gray bacgro+nd (ith a lighter gray shape in the foregro+nd that vag+ely resembled

that of a sea bird. 7=t4s (hatever yo+ see in it9 )ranie replied cryptically still hypnoti?ed by the painting.

7=t loos good there doesn4t it;9 Bicy ased of no one in partic+lar. "att fo+nd himself ans(ering 7>es it

does.9 =t did loo good. *he gray color (as ne+tral and didn4t clash (ith the (himsical (allpaper behind it of



chef4s hats and rolling pins. $+t "att co+ldn4t +nderstand Bicy4s e@citement abo+t the painting or )ranie4s

reverence. *o him it (asn4t partic+larly significant or (ell done. =t looed lie she4d spent maybe a half ho+r of

effort on it altogether. And they had placed it in a cheap bo@y frame and h+ng it in an o+t5of5the5(ay place

(here it (as for the most part in the shado( of a coat rac.

7=4ll tell Bicy yo+ (ere here "rs. ale9 Bicy said t+rning to go ret+rn to the co+nter.

)ranie didn4t seem to hear him. 7<+st tell him yo+ sa( )ranie9 "att called after him.

"att stood behind )ranie grasping the pi??a bo@ for several min+tes. A (oman came by and had diffic+lty

s+ee?ing past them to get to the (ashroom. "att felt foolish. 7&on4t yo+ thin (e4d better get going;9 he

ased. 7*he pi??a (ill get cold.9

7Ch. Cay9 )ranie said t+rning rel+ctantly a(ay from her creation on the (all.

She seemed energi?ed as they left the pi??eria and set a fast pace to(ard home. 7What an e@perience8 =t4s almost

lie = had an e@hibit some(here. &idn4t it loo great on that (all; Lots of people (ill see it8 !eople =4ll never

no( or even see (ill be looing at my art(or and maybe (ondering abo+t the artist :+st a little. What a

feeling89 She sp+n aro+nd gleef+lly (ith the e@+berance of a child.

"att co+ldn4t help finding this side of her nat+re eminently liable. =f only her moods (eren4t so erratic.

Cn the (ay home )ranie breathed in the pi??a aroma (ith flo+rish. 7=t4s too bad they can4t li+efy pi??a. =4d

lie to drin it right no(89 she e@claimed.

7*hat (o+ld r+in half the f+n of eating it89 "att reb+ed lightly. 7*he che(iness of the cr+st the firmness of the

vegetables the s+ishiness of the sa+ce J it4s the variety of te@t+res that maes pi??a (onderf+l.9



7>o+4re starting to lighten +p a little9 )ranie remared (ith a delightf+l grin visible in the glo( of the

streetlight. 7= lie it.9

*hey ate in "att4s apartment. Altho+gh )ranie had made "att t+rn off the television almost immediately (hen

she had arrived at his apartment earlier this time she (anted to see (hat (as on. 7= don4t have a television

+pstairs9 she e@plained. 7Bot that = have anything against them b+t if = had one it (o+ld be too tempting to t+rn

it on and (aste my time instead of (oring on my art. =4m incredibly la?y at heart.9

*hey (atched the ends of t(o fairly recent movies before )ranie decided to go home. 7=t4s time for me to get to

(or9 she remared as "att sa( her to the door.

7>o+ mean yo+4re going to paint now;9 "att ased in s+rprise.

7= (or best at night9 )ranie said. =n spite of the (ine she had imbibed earlier and the late ho+r she sho(ed no

signs of (eariness. "att had to admire her for that as e@ha+sted as he felt.

7=4m going to be o+t most of the day tomorro(9 he said. e someho( felt o&liged to tell her. 7=4m going to visit

my grandmother. She lives in "il(a+ee.9

7Cay. Well =4ll see yo+ aro+nd. *hans for the pi??a.9 )ranie gave him a little (ave and a lopsided pi@ie4s

grin before heading do(n the hall(ay cl+tching the bo@ of food coloring lie a yo+ng girl going home (ith her

toy.

*he ne@t evening (hen "att got home he fo+nd a painting propped against his door. *ired from the long drive to

"il(a+ee and bac he barely glanced at it :+st tapped it (ith one finger mae s+re it (as dry and moved it o+t

of the (ay so he co+ld +nloc and open the door. e got a ten+o+s grip on the (ood frame behind the canvas



(ith one hand and carried the painting inside. After retrieving a bottle of (ater from the refrigerator and taing a

long drin he ret+rned to the painting and propped it +p on one of the dining room chairs. =t (as a fairly large

canvas easily t(o feet tall by nearly a yard (ide.

*he periphery of the pict+re (as a dar bl+ish5blac the color of a moonless night in an isolated place. A

s+ccession of progressively lighter shades proceeded as the eye moved in to(ard the center of the painting (here

an indistinct b+t definitely h+man shape grad+ally emerged. *he edges of this fig+re (ere a vibrant red that

faded to pin and finally evolved into p+re (hite at the core.

"att stood and stared at the painting for a long time. While )ranie4s other paintings had seemed to him nothing

more than dismal colors and enigmatic shapes this one slo(ly opened +p to him. *he fig+re in the center of the

canvas (as )ranie herself 5 gen+ine f+lly e@posed p+re at heart. )or the first time he reali?ed (hat co+rage it

too for her to p+rs+e her art ho( s+sceptible it made her to criticism and heartbrea. e also reali?ed (hat a

shallo( life he had been living 5 afraid of taing riss afraid of revealing too m+ch of himself to others.

)or the first time since the divorce "att didn4t pict+re himself in "ichelle4s room in Ca !ar (hen he (ent to

bed that night. =nstead he stayed firmly rooted in his o(n bed in his o(n apartment revie(ing (ith his mind4s

eye the painting that no( h+ng on his living room (all and thining abo+t the ama?ing (oman (ho had created

it.

Documents

A Symphony of Women