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A survival guide for whensomeone you know has a stroke
A Stroke
A Stroke of Bad Luck
A survival guide when someone you know suffers a stroke
ii
James Divine
Copyright © 2016 James Divine
All rights reserved.
4
DISCLAIMER
This book is about my personal experience during my mom’s stroke. I am a product of my life. Everything I have been through has made me the person I am today, including my relationships. Your experience will probably be different than mine. I love my mom, but I also realize more and more how dysfunctional my upbringing was. Some of that dysfunction shows itself now even though I am 50 years old and mom is in her 70s.
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TABLEOFCONTENTS
THEDAYMYWORLDWASSHATTERED 6
PRAYERISALLYOUNEED…THAT’SALIE 7
HERCONDITIONSTABILIZES 9
WHATISASTROKE 10
EARLYRECOVERY 11
ANEMOTIONALROLLER-COASTERRIDE 12
WHEREWILLSHELIVE 16
AFTERMATH 19
6
THEDAYMYWORLDWASSHATTERED
Iwasreturninghomefromanorchestrabanquetandwasgreeted
inthedrivewaybymywife.Shewastalkingnonsense–butweall
dointhemidstofaterriblesituation.
SusancamerunningintothedrivewayasIparked,shouting,“Get
some food in you….we’ve got to get to the hospital.” I was
confused.WhydoIneedsomefood?Ijustcamefromanallyou
caneatbuffet.Butmywife–always thecaring individual–was
thinkingofmyneedstoo.
“Yourmomhadastroke.She’satthehospitalnow.”
Nobody can prepare themselves for those words and the
emotionsthatsuddenlyflowoveryourentirebeing.
“Yourmomhadastroke…”
Thosewordsseemedtobouncearound the insideofmyhead. I
can’t describe how I felt at that moment. Perhaps I was
temporarilydevoidoffeelings.Numb!Iwasnumb…inafog…Ifelt
helpless.
Lesson#1:Noneofusisguaranteedtomorrow.Livelifewithno
regrets.
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PRAYERISALLYOUNEED…THAT’SALIE
PeopleoftenresorttoeasyplatitudesregardingGod…
Prayerisallyouneed…
JusttrustGod…Hewillheal…
IbelieveinGod!He’smyeverything!IdotrustHimforallthathas
happened,allthatishappening,andallthatwillhappen.
ButIdon’tbelieveprayerisallIneed.
Godputushere in community. Sometimesweare theonewho
comfortsothers.Other timeswewillbe theonescomforted.To
everythingthereisaseason.
Susan and I arrived at the hospital and found mom.Mom was
completely confused. She did not lookwell at all. She couldn’t
remembermuchofwhathadhappened toherorevenwhyshe
wasthere.Asbestaswecanputtogetherwithpiecesofwhatshe
remembers and witnesses, this is what appears to have
happened…
Momwas returning home from the grocery store in her vehicle
whenshewasgrippedbyahead-splitting,painfulheadache.She
managedtomake ithomebutknewthatsomethingwaswrong,
soshelimpedtoherfrontdoor,openeditandcalledoutforhelp
toa ladywalkingherdog.Momcollapsedonthe floor.The lady
called911.
Momwas brought to the hospital in an ambulance. The doctor
performedanMRIandfoundshehadhadahemorrhagicstroke,
whichmeansthatshehadbleedinginthebrain.
Thedoctorexplainedtousthattheprognosiswasnotgood.Mom
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was scheduled for emergency brain surgery early the next
morningtocleanupthehemorrhage.Thedoctorinformeduswe
shouldbeintouchwithfamilymembers.Icalledmysisterandmy
aunt to tell them the devastating news. We prepared for the
worst.Weprayed.Weprayedsomemore.
Lesson#2:Prayerisimportant.It’ssometimesallyouhave,but
it’snotallyouneed.
9
HERCONDITIONSTABILIZES
I took thenextdayoffwork tobe there formom’ssurgery.The
doctororderedanotherMRI.Helikedtheimprovementhesawso
he cancelled the risky surgery. He wanted to see how healing
wouldprogressonitsown.Althoughmorestable,shewasstillin
considerabledanger.
The strokeoccurredon aWednesdaynight.On the Fridaynight
immediatelyfollowing,wewerescheduledtotakeaflighttothe
east coast to see my son’s law school graduation and visit his
family.Itwasatoughchoicetodecidetocontinuewithourtrip.I
knew if something happened tomomwhilewewere gone, the
falsefeelingsofguiltwouldsabotagemyspirit.
Lesson#3:Don’tletguilt–specificallyfalseguilt–causeyouto
makethewrongdecision.
Eachof youhas tomakeyourownchoice. Idecided toproceed
with our previous plans. Life goes on. Sincewe don’t know the
future,wecan’tletguiltdestroyus!
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WHATISASTROKE
ThisisthedescriptiongivenbytheNationalStrokeAssociationon
theirwebsitewww.stroke.org.
A stroke is a "brain attack". It can happen to anyone at any
time. It occurs when blood flow to an area of brain is cut off.
When this happens, brain cells are deprived of oxygen and
begin to die. When brain cells die during a stroke, abilities
controlled by that area of the brain such as memory and muscle
control are lost.
How a person is affected by their stroke depends on where the
stroke occurs in the brain and how much the brain is damaged.
For example, someone who had a small stroke may only have
minor problems such as temporary weakness of an arm or leg.
People who have larger strokes may be permanently paralyzed
on one side of their body or lose their ability to speak. Some
people recover completely from strokes, but more than 2/3 of
survivors will have some type of disability.
StrokeByTheNumbers
• Eachyearnearly800,000peopleexperienceanewor
recurrentstroke.
• Astrokehappensevery40seconds.
• StrokeisthefifthleadingcauseofdeathintheU.S.
• Every4minutessomeonediesfromstroke.
• Upto80percentofstrokescanbeprevented.
• StrokeistheleadingcauseofadultdisabilityintheU.S.
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EARLYRECOVERY
Afteraboutaweek,mombeganrehabinthehospital.Itconsisted
of speech, occupational and physical therapy. She was
cooperative, cheerful,positiveanddetermined togetoutof the
hospital…traitsIhadrarelyseeninherforover20years.Momhas
sufferedwhatappearstobeundiagnoseddepressionforthelast
20years.
AtthestartofrehabherpersonalityseemedtohavechangedFOR
THEBETTER. She even seemedhappy at times. This story offers
somebackground…
For years,momhad turned up her nosewhen offered food thathad been prepared by anyone except her. Her response wasalways that the other person did not know how to make foodproperly or that they couldn’t prepare it with good flavor! Sheoftenhurtpeoples’feelingswhomadefoodforher.
Inthehospital,shecontinuedthisbehavior,butwhenwetoldhersheHADtoeat,shewouldaskwhatthechoiceswere,thenchooseoneofthem.Aftereatingitshewouldsayitwasprettygood.Shewasverykindtothehospitalstaff.
Myemotionswerestillonarollercoasteratthispoint.Severalof
thestaff–whendiscussinghercasewithus– toldus thatmom
wouldmorethanlikelyneverliveonherownagain.Momsigned
apowerofattorneysoIcouldhandleheraffairs.
Lesson #4: You can expect a continuous stream of varied
emotions.
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ANEMOTIONALROLLER-COASTERRIDE
Afewweeksbeforethestroke,Momhadalreadydecidedshewas
goingtosellhercondo.Ididn’tthinkthiswasthebestoptionfor
her. She had not researched rent in the area and decided on a
whimtosellherhouse…decisionsonawhimisalife-longtraitof
hers.Despitecounseltothecontrary,herstubbornnesskickedin.
Shedecidedtosellanyway.
She received and accepted an offer to buy shortly before the
stroke. Since shewas in rehabat theclosingand Iwashandling
her financial affairs, the sale of the house fell to me. At first I
thoughtthequicksalewasablessing(morelater).
Ibeganbypackingeverything intoboxes toprepare forstorage.
Thistaskwasextremelydifficult.Mom’smindhadnotrecovered
fully,soonedayshewouldtellmespecificitemsthatshewanted
to keep, but the next day the list would be different. I thought
thatshewasgoingtobelivinginanursinghomesoIgaveaway
manyitems.ItwaswithaheavyheartthatIwentthroughallthe
itemsinherhouse,decidingwhatwasimportanttoherandwhat
Icouldgiveaway.
My wife offered to help, but I felt this was a task I needed to
completemyself.
Momoftenbecameangrywithme,especiallywhenshethoughtI
wasn’t following her wishes. I realize now it was the stroke
speaking.Mymother-in-lawgavemegoodcounsel…
Sometimesweforgetthatnotonlyisaperson’sbodynotwell,buttheirmindhasbeenaffected.
Lesson#5:Wait
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I wish I had waited. The hospital staff ended up being wrong
aboutherlevelofrecovery.Shehasrecoveredenoughtoliveon
herown(althoughIstill thinksheshouldn’t). If Ihadwaitedand
evensomehownulledheroffertosell,shemightstillbelivingin
her condo,whichwasmuchnicer and cheaper thanher current
livingsituation.
If I hadwaited, shewould still have all of the items I ended up
getting rid of. She would have been mad about her condo not
selling,butifyouunderstoodmymomyouwouldknowsheends
upmadanddepressednomatterwhatoptionistaken.
Imanagedtogeteverythingpackedandstored.Theprospectof
cleaningtheplaceseemeddaunting.
I hated being the caretaker for someone else’s money. I finally
decided touse someofmom’smoney tobring inaprofessional
cleaner.
Lesson#6:Don’tbeafraidtousemonetaryresourcesiftheyare
available.
Mom had the money. She probably would not have approved
usingitforcleaning,butformysanityIneededtohiresomeone.I
shouldhavedone the same formoving and storage.A friendof
hersandIdidthatallourselves,storingherfurnitureandboxesin
mygarage. If I hadblocked the saleof thehouse tobeginwith,
noneofthiswouldhaveevencomeup.
On themorningher friendwasdue toarriveandhelpmemove
herfurniture,Momcalledmefromthehospitaltoaskmeasmall
favor. Mom has always confused “small” and “big” favor, so I
knewIwasintrouble.Here’satrue-to-lifeexample.
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“Jimmy.Ihaveabigfavortoaskofyou.”
“Suremom,whatisit?”
“Iknowyoumightbebusynow,soifyouneedtoschedulesome
timetodoit,justletmeknow.”
“WhatisitMom?”
“Abulbinmylivingroomlightfixtureisout.Canyoureplaceit?”
“I’lldothatrightnowMom.”
Onanotheroccasion…
“Jimmy,Ihaveasmallfavortoaskyou.”
“WhatisitMom?”
(Shealwayshas seemed tomakemego through thisprocessof
discovery).
“Iwanttosellmyhousetomorrow.Canyouhelpme?”
“Mom, that’s not a small favor. That’s something that will take
time.Haveyouthoughtthisthrough?”
“Igaveyoubirthandnowyoudon’twant todo this small thing
forme!”
Thiswasherrequestformeonmovingday…
“Jimmy,Ihaveasmallfavortoaskyou.”
My heart jumped in my throat. I knew this would be no small
thing.Shecontinued…
“Nowdon’ttellme“No”Jimmy.Iwantyoutoremovetheceiling
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fanfrommymasterbedroomsoIcanuseitinthefuture.”
YouhavetorealizeIhavenomechanicalboneinmybody.When
wehaveboughtdo-it-yourselffurniture,mywifetellsmewhatto
dowitheachpiecebecauseIcan’tfigureitout.
Itoldmom“No.I’mnotgoingtoremovetheceilingfan.”
Mombecameupset.Shesaidsomethingalongthelinesof…
”Ihardlyaskyoutoeverdoanything,andnowyouwon’tevendo
thissmallthingforme.Youneverdoanythingforme!”
What!The last threeweekshadbeenspenthandlingheraffairs,
selling the house, deciphering bills, packing and cleaning!What
doesshemeanIneverdoanythingforher?
AtthatmomentIlostit.Iscreamedatmymomandtoldherthat
Ihadno intentionof removingtheceiling fan. Ihunguponher.
Then I punched the wall and was screaming at God and asking
Himtojusttakehertoheaven.
Ihadalittlepityparty.WhydidIhavetodealwithallthiscrap?
Whywasthishappeningtome?Thisbehaviorwastotallyoutof
character forme. I’mnot a screamer. I don’t react physically to
things.ButIwasatmywit’send.
I satdownandstartedcrying. Iwaspouringoutall thestressof
thepreviousmonthouttomyheavenlyFather.IwastellingGod
howmad and upset I was, and Godwas listening. Soon I felt a
tremendoussenseofpeace,morethanIhaveeverfeltinmylife.
Itwas likeGodwasembracingmeand lettingmeknowHewas
therewithme.
Lesson#7:It’sokaytobemadatGod.
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WHEREWILLSHELIVE
Thehousewassold,mom’sfurniturewasstoredinmygarageand
she was getting better in rehab. A target date was set for her
returntonormallife,butwherewouldshego?Shehadnohome.
Iconsideredmovingherintomyhome.Allthroughoutchildhood,
mommademepromisethatIwouldneverputherina“home.”It
wasn’tfairforhertostrong-armthistypeofpromisefromachild,
butthatdidn’tkeeptheguiltawayasIsearchedfora“home”for
her.
I met with her rehab team about once a week. They kept me
posted on her progress and what they thought she would be
capableofdoingherself.Shewasusingawalker.Sheneededhelp
bathingandtakingmeds.Shewouldprobablyneverdriveagain.
Momhasneverbeengoodwithmoney.Whenshewasyounger,if
sheneededmore,shewouldtakeonanextrajoborworklonger
hours. That plan works when you are in your 40s or 50s, but
becomes more difficult when you are older. Mom is on a very
limitedfixedincome,sothislimitedtheoptionsavailabletoher.
I found a cute assisted living place that she could afford and
signedherup.Shewouldbeinasmall2-bedroomapartmentwith
anotherlady,mealsincluded,freetransportation,dailyactivities,
someonewouldhelphertakehermedicationsandshewouldbe
checked on several times a day. And the cost was within her
monthly income.Shealsohadsomemoneyfromthesaleofher
condo.
Thisseemedlikean idealplacementforher.Momwasnotatall
happyaboutthis.Ididgethertoagreetotryitthroughtheendof
2016.Thenshecouldmoveifshedidn’tlikeit.
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Wemovedmom into her new place. She immediately rebelled.
Sherefusedtoeat.Shesaidthefoodwasterrible.MywifeandI
hadeatenthereseveraltimes.Wefoundthefoodtobedelicious
and thestaff friendlyandaccommodating.Momfound the food
tobehorribleandthestaffrude.Butthisishowmomhasfound
mostpeopletobeforthepasttwentyyears.Itistheresultofher
beingdepressedandrefusingtreatmentforit.
Itwasn’tjustthedepressionmomrefusedtreatmentfor!Shehashadhighbloodpressureforseveralyears.Shehasbeenindenialaboutthebloodpressure.Doctorshavetoldherthatifshedidn’treceive treatment,oneday shewouldhavea stroke.Here she issufferingtheaftermathofherownstubbornness.
Momwasdetermined tomoveout. I told her that Iwouldnot
help her find a place. Shewas on her own if she decided to do
that. Ialsoremindedherthatrentwasalreadypaidforthenext
sixweeks,soshemightaswellmakethebestofit.Andtherewas
herpromisetoremainuntiltheendof2016(thiswaslateJuly).
Ifshehadnotreceivedhelptofindaplaceandmove,Iknowthe
taskoflookingandmovingwouldhavebeentoodauntingforher.
However, she found a friendwho helped hermove. This friend
askedmeforadvice.ItoldhimthatIdisagreedwiththedecision.
Hewentaheadanyway.
Mommovedfromaniceplacewhereshewassafeandeverything
wasprovidedforhertoanapartmentinanunsafepartoftown.
Lesson#8:Youcanhelpsomeonetothebestofyourability,but
youcan’tmakethemdowhat’sbestforthem.
Momhasalwaysbeenstubborn.Shedecidedinherheadthatshe
wasn’tgoingtolikethenewplace.Ithadnothingtodowiththe
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placeitself…oreventhefood.Itwasherdecision.
I calledher friendandgavehimapieceofmymind.Hepushed
backsomeandaccusedmeofnottakingcareofmymom.Hesaid
in the culture he grewup in, you take your elderly parents into
yourhomeandcareforthem.Ihadconsideredthisandaskedfor
counsel from many of my friends. One 85-year-old friend in
particularsuggestedwenottakemomintoourhome.Hesaid it
wouldcausealotofstressandthatmywifeandIwouldnotreally
beabletomeetallofmom’sneeds.
Ifeltjudgedbymom’sfriend!
Iwasmadathim!
Lesson#9:Peoplewilljudgeyou
TheonlyoneIhavetoanswertoisGod.Peoplewilljudgeyou,but
theydon’tknowalltheconsiderationyoumadeforyourdecision.
Theydon’tknowthefamilyhistory.Theydon’tknowyou!
I ultimately decided that Iwould stay out ofmom’s affairs. She
needed to make her own mistakes and decisions. However, I
determined that I would not enable those decisions, so I told
mom that Iwould not help hermoveor do anything ofwhich I
didn’tagreewiththedecision.Ihavestucktothat.Istillgotosee
momregularly.I’llhelpherfinanciallyifsheneedsfoodormoney
topayforlodging.
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AFTERMATH
Momseemstobedoingwellinhernewplace.It’sonthe2ndfloor
of a two-story apartment building. The climb up and down the
stairsisprobablygoodforher.Inthelasttenyears,her“exercise”
hastoooftenbeencrossingthestreettogethermail.
Mom seems to be about 80% recovered from her stroke. Her
speechstillseemsalittleslurred.Shehaslostalotofweight,but
that is good. She took a trip to Italy to see her relatives. I was
against the trip, until I told some new friends of mine about
mom’strip.Theyrespondedwith“Goodforher.It’snicethatshe
hasn’tletastrokekeepherfromtraveling.”
Lesson#10:Ourresponsetoalovedone’sdesireisoftenbased
onthedysfunctionofthepast
Mynewfriendswereright.I’mgladshetookthetrip!Iwasbasing
my response on everything that had happened, my upbringing
andmyangeratmom.
Inmyopinion,momshouldnotbedriving.Herreactiontimehas
slowed considerably. Only a doctor can determine that an
individualisnotabletodrive.
Mom failed to stop quickly enough recently and rear-ended
anothervehicle.Hervehiclewasnot totaled. In fact thedamage
was fairly minor. Mom bought a new vehicle. Now she has no
moneyleftfromthesaleofhercondo.
Lesson #11: Lifetime habits are not going to change simply
becauseastrokehasoccurred.
Mom was bad about money before the stroke. She has been
“poor”herentire life, firstarealpoorwhengrowingup,butthe
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last 40 years her povertyhasbeenmental. Shehasnever really
hadmoney set aside, sowhen she came into $40,000 from the
saleofhercondo,shethoughtshewasrich.
It’sallgone.That’sherchoice.
Sheisstilldepressed.That’sherchoice.
She’sstillnottakingcareofherbody.That’sherchoice.
I don’t knowwhat the futureholds.Momcouldhaveonemore
day or she could have twentymore years. Ultimately God is in
control. He knows when each of us will die. He knows every
intimatedetailofourlives.
I’mstillrefusingtohelpmominareasIdisagreewithheron.For
example, I refused to help her get the new car because I didn’t
thinkthatwasbestforher.ButIseeherandtalktoherregularly.
The stroke hasn’t changed her except to make her weaker
physically.Shestill refusestocomeovertoourhousefordinner
(you don’t cook good), still refuses to join us for family
celebratory events (that’s not when I’m used to eating). These
traitswerealltherebeforeherstroke.
Lesson#11:Respondwithlove
Loveistheultimaterule!Iwillcontinuetolovemymom.Despite
mydysfunctionalupbringingandheractionsthatcomeacrossas
mean,sheisstillmymom.Ihavehadtoforgiveherandnowfeel
adeeperloveforher.Ihavecometoseehernotjustasmymom,
butalsoasasisterintheLord.IseeherasGodseesher.
Loveneverfails.
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Abouttheauthor:
James is amusic educatorwho also speaks on issues related to
life.Althoughthisbookisaseriousone,Jamesplansonwritinga
book on the funny experiences of his dysfunctional upbringing.
Thebookwillbecalled“EverybodyLovesJimmy.”
Jamesandhiswifehavefourbeautifulchildren,twoofwhomare
married.Hemarriedhishighschoolsweetheart.Theyhavethree
granddaughters.
www.jamesdivine.net
ContactJamestohavehimspeaktoyourgroup!
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