A OURSE FOR HANGE - onechangegroup.org · 22 GIVE HEART 23 EXAMINING ELIEFS 25 MASKS 28 FRAMEWORK OF VALUES 31 OUNDARIES 33 VI TIM GAME 38 TRANSA TIONAL ANALYSIS 42 RESPONSILE LISTENING

A COURSE FOR CHANGE

CREATING HEALTHY CHANGE

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

04 INTRODUCTION

07 12 PRINCIPLES TO CREATE HEALTHY CHANGE

17 CHANGING HABITS

20 REFRAMING THOUGHTS

22 GIVE HEART

23 EXAMINING BELIEFS

25 MASKS

28 FRAMEWORK OF VALUES

31 BOUNDARIES

33 VICTIM GAME

38 TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

42 RESPONSIBLE LISTENING MODEL

45 AWARENESS WHEEL

47 RESOLVING CONFLICT

48 FORGIVENESS

52 FINDING PURPOSE

OUR MISSION...

To create healthy change

OUR VISION…

To offer tools for healthy transformation in relationships

WHAT WE DO

We work with people, families, and organizations looking for a change, to help alter their habits, shift their beliefs, and live with purpose.

OUR VALUES

• Create AUTHENTICITY

• Respond in LOVE

• Live with PURPOSE

• Act with INTEGRITY

• Embrace CHANGE

• Support DIVERSITY & INCLUSION

Having helped thousands of people and

organizations, we firmly believe everyone can

achieve positive, healthy results. It all begins

with just One Change.


ONE CHANGE GROUP

Kevin and Jodie Lewis founded One Change Group with the mindset to create healthy change in families. Since our beginnings, we have evolved our approach to offering simple, practical, yet profound tools for healthy transformation. One Change Group works with people, families, and organizations looking for a change, to alter their habits, shift their beliefs, and live with purpose.

JODIE LEWIS, M.Ed., CRC, NCC, LPC

Jodie has worked with people in crisis for over 15 years, developing and leading numerous workshops de-signed to encourage, support, and educate people in their interpersonal and working relationships. Along with her extensive work experience, Jodie is a licensed professional counselor, certified rehabilitation coun-selor, and life coach. Jodie is an adjunct addictions professor for Utah State University and actively partici-pates in local community enrichment programs. Together, Jodie and her husband Kevin are the proud par-ents of five incredible children.

KEVIN LEWIS

Working as a professional facilitator and trainer for over 20 years, Kevin has led thousands of individuals through hundreds of training sessions using proven adult learning theory techniques. He received his degree through the University of Idaho in Anthropology/Sociology and is certified in Change Management and Instructional Design. Kevin has coached families in crisis for numerous years and currently works in management in a large retail corporation based in Portland, Oregon.

IN JODIE’S WORDS

“I'd love for you to be able to work at your own pace, taking time to reflect on each section and allow the information to impact you in the way it was designed. My intention is that you will walk away, knowing your authentic self and loving every part of who you were designed to be. When this type of transformation occurs, then you can take your life's purpose and share it with the masses.”

IN KEVIN’S WORDS

“What we teach changes lives, period. I want every person to learn, embrace, and experience the power of healthy change. I have experienced the powerful change these tools have made in my life as well as those we work with. I encourage and invite you to experience the power of change to become your true authentic self.”

SECTION ONE:

12 PRINCIPLES

“Jean patiently taught me the concepts of the twelve principles she lives

her life by. As I incorporated what I was learning into my daily life, slowly,

my thoughts began to change, which in turn transformed my life.”

- Jodie Lewis

www.onechangegroup.org

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12 PRINCIPLES TO CREATE HEALTHY CHANGE

Jean Burgess first introduced me to the twelve principles in 2007. I'll forever remember the brisk, fall, day when I knocked on her front door. At the time, I was a scared young woman in my early thirties, afraid to admit my life was falling apart. Although on the surface, my life appeared perfect, it was not the storybook I showcased it to be. My marriage was a mess, my children frequently watched their father and myself fight, and I was not happy with my job. Fear took over, and as I turned from Jean’s front door to walk to my truck and leave, the door opened. Jean’s feet were surrounded by several little barking dogs, which she calmly settled down as she welcomed me into her home. Jean invited me to sit down and gave me a safe space to openly talk. Throughout our conversation, she asked me what became the most important question anyone has ever asked me. “What do you want?” I never really considered this before. What do I want? With consistent self-work, and Jean’s twelve principles as my guide; eventually, I answered this question.

Looking back, meeting with Jean that beautiful North Idaho fall day was the first day I allowed myself to start living a truly authentic life. Through relationship and experience, Jean patiently taught me the concepts of the twelve principles she lives her life by. As I incorporated what I was learning into my daily life, slowly, my thoughts began to change, which in turn transformed my life. I went from someone being unaware and guided only by what society taught me to become the individual my creator designed to be. I slowly peeled back the societal messages and eventually began to hear my voice. By incorporating these principles into my life, I finally allowed God to bridge the gap between my thoughts and my heart. Although connecting my thoughts to my heart became the longest journey I traveled, it is the path that allowed me to discover my soul. Are you ready to discover your soul? Let me guide you through the twelve principles clearly defining and deconstructing each one.

PRINCIPLE #1

I WILL BE 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF AND TO OTHERS 100% OF THE TIME

The keywords in this principle are for and to. These two words have very different meanings as they relate to responsibility while in a relationship with self and others.

Being responsible for one’s self is when the purpose or intended goal is the responsibility for one’s self and only one’s self. Regardless of how much we try, we cannot be responsible for others; yet, we can be responsible to them. When people believe they can be responsible for another's thoughts, feelings, or actions, they fall into the unhealthy behaviors of codependency. Repeat the following sentence out loud: The only individual's thoughts, feelings, and actions I can be responsible for, is my own.

How is it that I’m responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? This is an easy answer, yet a difficult call to action. To be responsible for one's beliefs, one must first be willing to examine, and even dispute these thoughts. For instance, I may be frustrated; my child is late and did not call to let me know the reason. Is my frustration my child’s fault? No. My child cannot make me feel anything. My feelings are simply my own. The act of being late without calling is the action which sparked my thought, and then initiated feelings of frustration. In this case, I may want to examine my thoughts, which, in turn, could change my feelings. My initial internal thought is, “It’s rude they didn’t call and tell me they are going to be late,” which then initiated the feeling of frustration. However, as I dispute my thoughts, I might think, “Maybe they didn’t call because they had an accident.” The new feeling, fear.

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If I dispute this thought further, I might come up with, their cell phone is dead, and this is the reason they couldn't call: the new feeling, peace. Get the picture? I can change my thoughts, which can change my feelings, which can, in turn, alter my behavioral response. I am the one who is responsible for me.

On the other hand, being responsible to another person is when movement or action is taken towards that person. Therefore, being responsible to somebody can follow many forms. Taking action can come in the way of following through with the commitments made to the other person.

An example of being responsible to someone is; when I say I am going to do something, I do it. If a meeting is starting at 7:00 am, the meeting begins at 7:00 am, not before, not after. You can practice being responsible to others by following through with commitments, such as arriving on time, paying your debts on time, and responding to your emails or phone calls promptly (the latter is one I can work on). If you cannot follow through with a commitment, be accountable to them by making the necessary effort to notify the other person. For example, "I apologize, I will not be on time to the meeting. Please start without me." No excuses needed; simply take responsibility for your actions and be responsible to those whom your actions affect. Remember, when we are responsible to someone, we encourage, empower, and support, not enable. Enabling disables.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE:

• What are the ways you have been responsible for yourself this week?

• How do you practice being responsible to others?

• What are the ways you've been responsible to people?

• What are the ways you "try" to be responsible for people? Does it work?

PRINCIPLE #2

I WILL HAVE FUN

This principle seems simple; yet for so many people, it can be challenging to apply. Life, whether we like it or not, can get messy, stressful, and overwhelming. During times when life gets messy, is when it is most important to nurture and love ourselves even more. Having fun is different for everyone, for my husband it is training for obstacle course races, for me, it is reading another book, and for others, it might be going to a movie or taking a long hot bath. Regardless of how you choose to nurture yourself and have fun, it is necessary for our physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Putting it into practice:

• Think about when you were a child, what did you enjoy doing? Practice implementing fun childhood things into your daily life, such as art, playing board games, reading, building a snowman, or eating gooey s’mores.

• What are the ways you like to relax or nurture yourself? Set aside time each day to incorporate relaxation and nurturing into your life.


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PRINCIPLE #3

I WILL NOT ASK WHY, WHY IS ONLY IMPORTANT FOR LEARNING CONCEPTS

Asking why is very important when an individual is genuinely seeking to understand something. However, when someone is asking why to feel sorry for themselves or to be critical of others, it is not ok. In this case, asking why can keep us stuck and in the victim game (which we will get to a bit later). Here is an example I often use: I am a person with a disability, which affects the way I walk, talk, and move. I can feel sorry for myself and ask my divine, "Why me?" or I can ask my divine, "Why not me?" The first way of asking why is victimizing myself, and the other form of asking why offers me a learning opportunity. Consider this question when thinking about this principle: “Will my why question change the outcome?” If yes, then you are seeking to understand; if no, then it is keeping you stuck.


• Be aware of how often you ask the question of why this week, as well as your intention behind the question. Do not be critical or judge yourself for asking the question; instead, approach the situation with curiosity to create awareness as to which form of why you are using.

PRINCIPLE #4

I WILL STAY CURRENT WITH MY FEELINGS MAD, SAD, GLAD, AND AFRAID

As a therapist, this principle might just be my favorite. This principle states four simple feeling words under which most any feeling or emotion can be categorized. For some individuals identifying feelings can be difficult. Narrowing it down to four feelings can help determine what precisely the feeling is if the habit is to bury our feelings. American culture typically teaches people to suppress any feeling other than glad. Think about this for a moment. When a baby is crying, often we comfort them by holding the child in our arms and say, “Shhhh, it’s ok, please don’t cry.” This simple harmless act teaches our children to suppress their feelings, from the time they are infants. Consider the messages you learned throughout your life regarding your feelings. Is it ok to be mad or sad? What about feeling afraid? Now, think of glad, is that an ok feeling to express? If we suppress our feelings versus allowing ourselves to emote, then those feelings eventually surface and often do so in ways we may not intend. For instance, we may hurt others with our words, emotions, passive-aggressive behaviors, or actions. Suppressed feelings may also surface through anxiety, addiction, and even disable us into a state of stagnation. Staying current with our feelings is essential so we can operate from a clear state of consciousness rather than an emotional space. It is important to have proper discernment with who, when, and where you share your feelings.


• Reflecting upon your life, what messages did you learn regarding expressing your feelings?

• Are there certain feelings in which you are more comfortable expressing versus others? What are they?

• What does your physical body do when you are feeling an intense emotion?

• Next time a feeling arises, allow yourself just to feel it.


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PRINCIPLE #5

I WILL BE DIRECT AND CONFRONT IN A LOVING AND GENTLE MANNER

Are you afraid of conflict? Many people are fearful of being direct because they fear doing so may end up in an argument. Others have never learned to have a voice for themselves and do not know how to be direct. I think we all know people who would rather gossip and talk poorly about somebody versus being direct with that person. This principle is vital as it teaches people to have a voice for themselves as well as promotes healthy, honest, and authentic relationships. The people in my life that love me the most are people who take the risk of being direct with me. These are the people I love and trust wholeheartedly. It may be a risk for the person confronting you, but they are doing it because they love you. The key to delivery is that the tone, inflection, and words are loving and gentle. If someone chose to call me names or be disrespectful, that may be direct and confronting but not loving and gentle.


• Consider how you approach conflict. Is it scary for you to be direct? Are you aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive?

PRINCIPLE #6

I WILL TELL THE INDISPUTABLE TRUTH, AND IF I CANNOT DO THAT, I WILL BE HONEST

Every person’s indisputable truth is a little different because it is based on perspective, culture, and their learned experience. Two siblings may grow up in the same household yet have entirely different views of what it was like to grow up in that environment. Neither perspectives are right or wrong, just different. The key to this principle is to be truthful about your experience. With this said, we may not know what the truth is, and if so, just be honest about that. There is no need to create a story to fit someone else's needs.


• Get a partner and a book, one of you hold the book up so that you are looking at one side, and they are looking at the same book but the other side of the book. Describe to your partner what you see, and have your partner describe what they see. The point is you are both looking at the same object, yet you are describing two different truths or perspectives.

PRINCIPLE #7

I WILL SOLELY DO MY WORK AND NO ONE ELSE’S

When trying to do other's work, we may think our actions are kind, yet; in many ways, doing so is toxic to ourselves or others. When attempting to do other's work, we often enable which disables, and our efforts appear loving and nurturing when, in reality, they are not. Additionally, when we try to solve other's problems or try to take responsibility for them, we are restricting them from their self-worth and self-reliance. I see many people fall into this trap, which can quickly lead us into the pitfall of codependency.




• Do you find yourself making excuses for others? If so, recognize the behavior and stop.

• Do you find self-esteem in giving to others or constantly making sacrifices for others?

• Do you find yourself lacking control in your life, and therefore try to control others?

PRINCIPLE #8

I WILL CHOOSE A WIN/WIN MENTALITY, AND I WILL NOT SUPPORT OR PLAY THE VICTIM GAME.

Staying positive and looking for solutions where all can have a positive outcome can be a tough task, especially if we are masters at the victim game. Before you take offense to that last statement, please understand that most people are masters at playing this game (I know I was). So why would I say such a thing? Simple, it is how societal constructs have designed us to be. The victim game is played in our societal systems such as politics, schools, workplaces, relationships, and just about everywhere else. The goal of the game is to win at all costs, but if one party wins, then the other party loses. If one person has to be right, then the other is wrong, and so forth. When playing the victim game, people are either the persecutor, rescuer, or victim. If at any time you are performing any of these roles, you are in the game. The only way to win is to step out and not engage. We often become victims of the experiences of our lives. With that said, resilient people will work through whatever situation it was that hurt, to let go and move forward.


• Ask yourself, when in the past couple of days, did I step into a rescuer, victim, or persecutor role? Did I step out or continue to play?

• Pay attention to when others may unconsciously or consciously pull you into this game.

PRINCIPLE #9

I WILL FORGIVE. WHAT I CHOOSE NOT TO FORGIVE TODAY, I WILL MANAGE IN A LOVING AND GENTLE MANNER

Forgiveness is a process individuals work through rather than an immediate goal. The act of forgiveness is an action that can lead to healing, peace, and can also benefit physical health. You may ask yourself, “How do I choose to move into a place of forgiveness?” First, be specific and clear about who or what it is you wish to forgive. Sometimes the who is ourselves. Regardless of the subject matter, recognize your distress comes from holding onto the thoughts and feelings generated from the event, which can seem unforgivable. Secondly, identify the feeling attached to the event and let yourself express the feelings with somebody you trust. Allowing your feelings to surface is letting the light shine on the heart wounds, which initiates the pro-cess of letting go. Next, create understanding as to why forgiveness is good for “you.” Holding on to past anger, resentments, hurt, guilt, and shame attaches us to the perpetrator or event in a negative way, creating toxicity in our present. Finally, be gentle with yourself as this process does not happen overnight.




• Are you still holding onto anger or resentment surrounding something that happened to you? What about something you have done to someone else? If so, what are you getting out of this?

• Are you ready to take the steps outlined above to let go?

PRINCIPLE #10

I WILL USE I STATEMENTS, BE SPECIFIC, AND USE THE RESPONSIBLE LISTENING MODEL

Using I statements and being specific keeps it about yourself and not speaking in generalities. It is easy to say things like “when you ”…but this is not taking responsibility for oneself.

The Responsible Listening Model (RLM) is a communication tool used to listen more intentionally. While practicing this model, listeners and speakers become more aware of themselves, their thoughts, feelings, reactions, and responses. The RLM offers the listener five responses, which we will cover in more depth throughout this course. RLM responses are accepting, understanding, and, at times, confronting, which encourages further exploration and communication. The responses are (1) Restatement - ensures the listener has heard what the speaker is saying, (2) Clarifying - asks the speaker for more information to gain understanding, (3) Describing - the listener describes what they observe of the speaker, (4) Sharing - offers the listener the opportunity to respond or relate to the speaker, and (5) Resolving - used when it is clear the speaker wants to do something positive about responsibly resolving the issue they have presented.


• Focus on areas where you find yourself being too general or vague and practice being specific.

• While finding yourself in a listening role this week, practice the RLM without the other person knowing you are using this listening model. Better yet, practice using the RLM with your internal thoughts.

Principle #11

I will maintain confidentiality at all times

It is important to consider and be aware of confidentiality from many perspectives to include maintaining awareness and sensitivity regarding cultural meanings of confidentiality. Confidentiality is vital, even when it comes to our personal relationships. Allow me to elaborate; as a parent, I want my children to talk to me about whatever they may need to. If they choose to, then it is not ok for me to discuss with others what is going on with them, without their permission. When they are going through something which also affects me, they already know I will reach out to someone safe and provide minimal disclosure of information, allowing me to do my work around the situation.

There are legal and ethical limitations to this principle, and it is essential to understand your personal legal and ethical constraints. Many people are mandatory reporters and must breach confidentiality in certain situations such as to protect individuals or others from serious and foreseeable harm, as well as when it is legally necessary.


• If you feel the need to gossip, remember it is your ego that you are feeding. With this recognition, stop.


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PRINCIPLE #12

I WILL REMOVE ANY BLOCKS THAT KEEP ME FROM LOVING MYSELF AND OTHERS

Blocks are any thoughts, feelings, or behaviors which prevent a person from achieving their goal; in this case, loving oneself and others. Examples include addiction, self-limiting beliefs, staying in toxic relationships, or work environments. To live a healthy and purpose-driven life, you must work to identify and remove the blocks holding you back. We will discuss several techniques in this course to identify and remove blocks.


• Reflecting upon your life, identify what your blocks are. Once you have identified your blocks, find someone safe to assist you in removing the blocks.

THE 12 PRINCIPLES TO CREATE HEALTHY CHANGE

1 I will be 100% responsible for myself and to others 100% of the time.

2 I will have fun.

3 I will not ask why, why is not important - only for learning concepts.

4 I will stay current with my feelings: Mad - Sad - Glad - Afraid.

5 I will be direct and confront in a loving and gentle manner.

6 I will tell the indisputable truth. If I cannot do that, I will be honest.

7 I will do solely my work and no one else’s.

8 I will choose a win/win mentality. I will not support or play the Victim Game.

9 I will forgive. What I choose not to forgive today, I will manage in a loving and gentle manner.

10 I will use “I” statements, be specific and use the responsible listening model at all times.

11 I will maintain confidentiality at all times.

12 I will remove any blocks keeping me from loving myself and others.

SECTION TWO:

BELIEFS

“Change must occur to obtain a new outcome.”

- Kevin Lewis


CHANGING HABITS

STEP 1

STEP 2

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“INSANITY: DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.”

— ALBERT EINSTEIN

If a person does the same thing over and over again, how can they get a different result? Imagine trying to lose weight without changing how we eat and exercise. If the habits of unhealthy eating and little physical activity continue, the result is the same, no weight loss. The same concept applies to relationships. If a person is not happy within their relationship, yet they choose to continue behaviors that contribute to the negativity of the relationship, then the results are predictable. The bottom line is this: Change must occur to obtain a new outcome.

Easier said, than done, right? People are unique and different, as are their patterns of behavior. People wrestle with addiction or overindulgence, others may struggle with communication in relationships, and others might struggle with poor food choices and inactivity. This begs the question, if we know certain things are not healthy, why do we continue to do them? The answer is classical conditioning, the simple science surrounding behavior and the brain. Our brains are full of nerve pathways, reinforced through our habits, which is the reason it takes time to make a change. To create new habits, we must reinforce the new neural connections with consistent behaviors. Through behavior psychology, we can make this desired change. With this said, regardless of the reason for the change, with a little self-awareness, science, and planning, it is possible.

Ok, enough chat about change. What are the steps?

LOVINGLY IDENTIFY THE BEHAVIOR AND CHANGE THE SCRIPT.

Identify the behavior you wish to change. Once identified, use loving and gentle self-talk regarding the be-havior. We are no longer justifying the harmful habit and are honestly bringing it to the forefront of our con-scious. Changing our self-talk does not mean, beat oneself up for the poor choices but rather be compassion-ate and loving towards the self. Understanding the need to change behaviors is a crucial aspect of this step. I will use a current real-life example.

STEP 1 EXAMPLE: I overeat in the evenings (Straight to the point without negative self-talk).

EXPLORE THE CUE, WHICH SIGNALS THE BEHAVIOR.

Science teaches most behavioral cues fall into one of five categories, (1) location, (2) time, (3) emotional state, (4) other people, and (5) the precipitating action (Duhigg, 2012). Using my example, lets explore this deeper.

STEP 2 EXAMPLE: The location: living room, time of day: evening, the people: my family, the feeling: bored or stressed, and the action that preceded my behavior: watching TV.

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STEP 5

STEP 4

STEP 3


CHANGING HABITS

WHAT IS MY NEGATIVE HABIT SATISFYING? THE REWARD:

Often a negative behavior can be a signal something in life is off balance and is often a response to stress. Stressors can be debilitating, and often we offset the stress by implementing behaviors that serve some psy-chological, physical, or emotional purpose. Even though the habits are unhealthy, they are meeting a need. Using my same example, ways I might learn what my negative habit is telling me is to substitute an alterna-tive behavior. Instead of eating in the evenings while watching TV with my husband, maybe I could go for a walk. In doing so, I may ask myself, did this satisfy my craving. If not, I may need to continue experimenting until I figure out what it is I need.

STEP 3 EXAMPLE: I discovered I was mindlessly eating in front of the TV because when I watch TV, my brain relaxes. The cue: TV and mindless eating. The reward: brain relaxing and not overthinking.

FIND A NEW EXTERNAL REWARD AND STICK WITH IT UNTIL IT BECOMES INTERNAL.

Now that we have identified the cue (TV and mindless eating) and reward (brain relaxing), it is now time to incorporate the new desired habit (not overeating in the evenings), which satisfies the old reward (brain re-laxing). Relying solely on will power to change does not work because it does not address the subconscious need for the habit you want to change.

STEP 4 EXAMPLE: The new desired habit is to implement exercise in the evenings, which relaxes me and is healthier than my old go-to habit.

PLANNING

Habits and behaviors begin with a choice until they become unconscious or automatic. Once we have identi-fied the underlying cause for our negative behavior, along with what we are getting from it, then we must create a plan to reconstruct our behavior until the new desired behavior is automatic. Careful planning can assist in doing this. Additionally, we may want to include other options in our plan, like identifying and re-moving triggers, monitoring self-talk, and incorporate mindfulness activities into our plan.

STEP 5 EXAMPLE: If I am aware, my brain would like a little downtime in the evening hours. I plan to go for a walk around 6:00 every evening until this becomes my new habit.

REFERENCES

Duhigg, C. (2012). The power of habit: Why we do what we do in life and business. New York: Random House.

PUTTING IT INTO ACTION


CHANGING HABITS

Step 1 What is the behavior you want to change?

IDENTIFY THE BEHAVIOR AND CHANGE THE SCRIPT

Now that we have covered the steps to creating healthy change lets put it into action. For each step below, be specific and write your thoughts or experiences with each. By the end, you will have a plan to create healthy habits backed by external and internal rewards, which will then result in sustainable change.

Step 2 Who What When Where do the cues occur?

EXPLORE THE CUE WHICH SIGNALS THE BEHAVIOR.

Step 3 What do you think the negative habit is satisfying?

WHAT IS MY NEGATIVE HABIT SATISFYING?

Step 4 What is the new habit you want to implement?

FIND A NEW EXTERNAL REWARD AND STICK WITH IT UNTIL IT BECOMES INTERNAL

Step 5 What is your detailed plan to ensure success?

PLANNING


REFRAMING THOUGHTS

FIRST

SECOND

Destructive thinking in the form of erroneous beliefs and cognitive distortions can wreak havoc on our lives and unfortunately, this type of thinking eventually turns into an automatic habit. With that said, through awareness and reframing, just like any other unhelpful habit, people can change their thinking. Cognitive reframing is a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) skill which helps people recognize, confront, and alter negative thought patterns and belief. Cognitive reframing aims to replace stress-inducing thought patterns or habits with more realistic, gentle, and overall helpful thoughts.

WHAT IS IT?

CBT is an evidence-based therapeutic technique developed by pioneer therapist Aaron Beck and built upon by Ellis, which helps people to stop relying on autopilot thoughts as the truth of reality and instead, test each thought for accuracy. The concept of CBT is that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors interact together, so if we can change our thoughts, then we can change how we feel or act. With this said, CBT is not the only ap-proach that is useful with negative thinking patterns, depending upon the context, mindfulness also works.

WHAT DOES IT DO?

Utilizing CBT skills, helps us to slow down, organize our thoughts, and create awareness for ourselves. Doing so helps us to have clear, rational thinking, so that we may respond to situations instead of reacting. Addi-tionally, applying this method helps to change our habits, and be more flexible and realistic with our thoughts. Further benefits of cognitive reframing are that it helps us manage worry and anxiety, be more productive, offer stress relief, and much more.

Write down the automatic thought or beliefs. Writing our thoughts down makes it easier to assess them and approach them with curiosity.

What activated or triggered the thought or belief?

Write the feeling which came with the event (mad, sad, glad, or afraid) as well as the intensity on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the least amount of feeling and 10 being the most intense feelings.

Consider whether our thoughts are wrong or if we have experienced a cognitive distortion (see list below) and write down what you have discovered. This is where we want to dispute the thought. Questions that might help to challenge these thoughts are: Are these thoughts I have accurate? Is there evidence to support the thought? What are some other thoughts I could have? What is an-other reason for the situation?

HOW?

A = Activating event

B = Belief

C = Consequences for appraisal of our mood

D = Disputing

E = Effective Replacement thoughts

THIRD

FOURTH

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REFRAMING THOUGHTS

Rephrase the belief or thought in a more realistic format. Repeat step three. Write the feeling which came with the event (mad, sad, glad, or afraid) as well as the intensity on a scale of 1-10, with one being the least emotion and 10 being the most intense feelings.

Look for patterns of your cognitive distortions or self-limiting beliefs. Ask yourself, do specific ex-periences trigger thought habits? What are my typical emotional responses when these triggers occur?

(Psychologist, Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was re-sponsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions).

FIFTH

SIXTH

LIST OF COMMON COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS:

• Mind Reading – Thinking you know what others are thinking

• Fortune Telling – predicting something may or may not happen based on falsehoods, or thinking we know what the other person is thinking or feeling without checking it out

• Catastrophizing – Expecting tragedy to happen no matter what

• Polarized Thinking – Thinking in black and white with no shades of grey. All or nothing mentality or thinking in extremes

• Overgeneralization – Coming to a conclusion based on a single event

• Personalization – Taking everything personally

• Control Fallacy – Two beliefs, one is we are in control of every situation, and the other is, we are responsible for the pain and happiness of all

• The Fallacy of Fairness – The belief that everything in life is supposed to be fair, and when it doesn't work out that way, we feel resentful

• The Fallacy of Change – Expecting others to change to suit us

• Blaming – Blaming others for things we are responsible for, or the opposite taking all the blame and not let others assume responsibility

• Should – Imposing rigid rules on the self or others about how one “should” behave

• Emotional Reasoning – When emotions take over all rational thoughts

• Global Blaming – Describing a person or event with extreme language or emotion without fulling creating understanding about the person or event

• Always Being Right – Being right is more important than anything else, including our relationships or the other persons feeling

• Filtering – takes a negative detail and filters out all positives, solely focusing on the negative


GIVE HEART

Giving and receiving positive affirmations to self and others can help increase confidence and self-worth. We call these affirmations "Giving Heart." The opposite is also necessary to recognize; negative self-talk and messaging can decrease confidence and self-worth GIVING HEART Giving Heart is a way to affirm one's self and others for meaningful actions and contributions. Giving Heart does not have to cost anything; it can be a verbal "thank you," a text saying "I appreciate you," or a well- deserved treat to yourself. Self-affirmations can be just as fulfilling as those received from others. Giving Heart must come from a place of pure intention; don’t give affirmations because you think you “should.” DEPLETING HEART It is a reality; people have bad days, weeks, and even months. To feel better about themselves, some people choose to talk negatively or deplete others of their positive feelings. Depleting is done for their benefit; at the expense of others. The person depleting Heart may feel better by putting others down, even self- righteous, or superior. With that said, the person losing Heart feels worse. The one who just lost Heart may then choose to deplete from someone else to feel a little better, and the downward cycle continues. RECEIVING HEART There is no limit as to how much Heart an individual can receive. When receiving Heart, the recipient feels appreciated and affirmed and is more likely to give Heart to others. There is only one rule when receiving Heart - accept it. Affirmations are a gift someone has given because you are special to them. Even if you are the kind of person who has a hard time accepting compliments, accept it by merely saying, "Thank you."

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE The images you see below is what we call Heart Cards. It is a simple way to write an affirmation to others or yourself. I love using these to leave a note of thanks, affirmation, or just to remind someone I care about them. I invite you to do the same thing now.

• On the blank card below, write your Child Heart an affirmation.

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EXAMINING BELIEFS

Throughout our lives, we receive messages based on our experiences. We carry these messages into our present. These messages become part of our beliefs; therefore, it is critical to evaluate if these messages are erroneous, self-defeating, or are purposeful and empowering. The following exercise will help you identify key moments in your life that have helped form your beliefs of the world and yourself.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE In the boxes below, think of experiences in your life; both Good Times and Bad Times, and fill in your age, what the memory was (i.e. sibling born), how you felt about it, what message you received (i.e. my parents loved my sibling more than me), what your current belief of the experience is (i.e. my parents love my sibling more than me) and is this current belief erroneous, self-defeating, or are purposeful and empowering? If er-roneous, dispute that belief by revisiting the Reframing Your Thoughts section of this course.

GOOD TIMES BAD TIMES

Age: Memory:

Feeling: Mad - Sad - Glad - Afraid

Message I Received:

Current Belief:

Is the current belief erroneous or self-defeating?:

Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


“

”


EXAMINING BELIEFS

GOOD TIMES BAD TIMES

Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:


Age: Memory:


Message I Received:

Current Belief:



MASKS

Presenting a particular face to the world is something most people often do. The masks people wear each day act as a social disguise and help them to get through a variety of situations, both positive and negative. We all wear masks at some point in our lives - it is our human nature. The problem comes when masks become the norm, and we lose our authentic selves in the process of trying to please others or not be vulnerable. Read through the following list of masks, and consider which ones you might wear, then complete the activity on page 27.

• Always Right: Hides being wrong / not knowing.

• Hero: Hides needing a hero, hidden rejection and resentments.

• Clown: Humor hides the serious side and pain.

• Cynic: Hides the desire to trust and to be close.

• Dominator: Hides vulnerability and tenderness.

• Dreamer: Hides actual doing / completion of

tasks.

• Flirt: Superficiality hides a fear of not having anything of substance to share or real intimacy.

• Fragile: Hides strength and power.

• Inferior / Ashamed: Hides real self, self-love, and competence.

• Intellect: Hides one’s heart and inner feelings.

• Pollyanna: being nice hides, “I’m not so nice.”

• Scapegoat: Hides when it’s not about one’s wrongdoing or not being okay.

• Martyr / Victim: Blaming hides taking responsibility for one’s life, live on guilt / pity, “poor me.”

• Loner: Distance hides desire to belong, share oneself, how much one hurts / cares / wants, “walled-up.”

• Barbie or Ken: perfect image hides human qualities; admiration helps believe all is okay.

• Duck: All looks smooth on the surface, hides frantic paddling underneath to stay above water.

• Mr. or Ms. Universe: One’s physical appearance leads to the belief the inner self is okay when it is not.

• • Helpless: “I can’t” hides “I don’t want to”, “it is too hard” hides competence.

• Superior: “I’m better than you,” hides how much we are like others and our inferiority.

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”


MASKS

• Competent: Hides, “I don’t know what I’m doing”.

• Strong: Hides vulnerability & legitimate needs.

• Everything’s Fine: Hides when all isn’t fine.

• Everything’s NOT Fine: Creates issues and drama to feel cared for.

• Grown-Up: Acting mature hides immaturity and insecurity.

• Chameleon: “I’ll be whoever you want me to be” hides the real self, requires remembering what role was played with whom.

• Hypochondriac: Physical pain hides requests for time, attention, and involvement with others.

• Perma-Grin: Constant smile hides when one does not want to smile or when things are painful.

• Roaring: Anger hides fear, hurt, jealousy, vulnera-bility, need of intimacy, keep away.

• Swiss Army: Bag of tricks for manipulations hide direct requests and effectiveness in relationships.

• Politician: Charm and schmooze hide telling it like it is and honest communication.

• The Doing: Human doing replaces a human being “I’m only as good as I do.”

• Evader: Not sharing one’s inner world hides the need for genuine intimacy.

• Peter Pan: I never want to grow up, so I don’t have to take on adult responsibilities.

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________


MASKS

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

1. Take time to reflect on the masks you believe you wear.

2. Answer the questions below in the space provided.

What are the masks you often wear to hide your authentic self?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

If you weren’t concerned about what others thought, how would you describe your authentic self?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

How much impact do friends have on the masks you wear? What is the impact of your family, co-workers,

advertising, school, and society?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Who are safe people in your life and are able to take off the masks and be vulnerable with?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

How much time do you spend wearing masks? (scale 1-10, 10 being all the time)

How could identifying and removing masks you wear, benefit you?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


The Framework of Values helps identify the individual, organizational, or family values essential for beneficial and healthy systems. The Framework is intended to be the foundation for creating organizational rules, household rules, and individual boundaries. Additionally, these values may serve as a waypoint to refer to when difficult decisions are required.

While preparing to formulate the Framework of Values, consider the following:

• WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

• WHAT MAKES LIFE MEANINGFUL TO YOU?

• WHAT DO YOU WANT TO PASS ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION?

• WHAT IS TRULY MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU?

• WHAT MAKES YOU ANGRY AND WHAT DO YOU WANT INSTEAD?

Step 1 - Pick out the Frame - Circle (or write your own) ten characteristics that best describe what you want, either individually, within your family, or within your organization.

Christ-centered Compassionate Inclusive Well-behaved Collaborative

Successful Conservative Well-mannered Significant Accommodating

Trustworthy Respectful Affectionate Accepting Loving

Easy-going Productive Soft-spoken Cooperative Balanced

Courageous Kind Supportive Talkative Serving

Energetic Gentle Charitable Winning Wholesome

Peaceful Independent Integrity Caring Fun

Fair Spiritual Engaging Meaningful Disciplined

Gracious Virtuous Educated Patient Humorous

Free Empathetic Just Helpful Playful

Polite Decent Civilized Creative Healthy

Reverent Moral Natural Open Devoted

Self-reliant Autonomous Tolerant Thrifty Likable

Generous Sharing Reasonable Grateful Proper

Strong Warm Sobriety Honest Liberal

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FRAMEWORK OF VALUES


FRAMEWORK OF VALUES

Step 2 - Select the Matting

1. Choose five of the ten values most important to you. Write the value in the values column.

2. In the behaviors column, write a description of the behaviors needed to model this value.

EXAMPLE: Value: Integrity

Behaviors: I will treat others with dignity and respect and treat others as I want to be treated. I will

listen to what others have to say and will not judge, I will ask others for help, and I will tell them I

value them.

Step 3 - Add the Picture - (continued on the next page):

1. If these are your individual values, congratulations, you are done and can move to the next lesson. Other-wise, with your significant other, or team members, discuss your values.

2. Consolidate combined values into five values each member can agree upon.

3. Write the name of the value and write a detailed description of the behaviors of that value.

INDIVIDUAL VALUES BEHAVIORS TO MODEL

VALUE 1 BEHAVIOR 1

VALUE 2 BEHAVIOR 2

VALUE 3 BEHAVIOR 3

VALUE 4 BEHAVIOR 4

VALUE 5 BEHAVIOR 5


FRAMEWORK OF VALUES

It is necessary to live a life incorporating the values we believe to be important and necessary for our success. These values are the foundation of living a truly authentic life.

COMBINED VALUES

VALUE 1

VALUE 2

VALUE 3

VALUE 4

VALUE 5


BOUNDARIES

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” - Brené Brown Often our lives can feel out of control, always saying yes to things or people when life would be less hectic if we said no. Maybe you are the type of person who thinks saying no is selfish and unkind to the point where you do not know your limits. Perhaps, you have allowed yourself to be in relationships where your boundaries are crashed so often, you've lost a sense of who you are. Sadly, people are typically raised in households where boundaries are not respected, and then carry this pattern into adulthood where it affects their personal and professional relationships. Setting healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of living an autonomous and healthy life. Boundaries are the ultimate tool for self-care in our personal and professional lives. Doing so creates balance and peace in all aspects of our lives. Setting healthy boundaries for oneself allows individuals to operate from a place of love and support, versus resentment, frustration, fatigue, or burnout. There are different types of boundaries to include emotional, mental, and physical. Additionally, boundaries we set in our personal lives differ from our professional lives. Boundary violations occur verbally, psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Verbal abuses happen when others call you names or are passive-aggressive. Examples of psychological and emotional boundary violations can include others criticizing, manipulating, lying to you, or even preying upon your self-esteem or making fun of you. Physical violations occur when others enter your space without asking or permission. Frequently when these types of boundaries are crossed continuously, people can lose a sense of who they are or become insecure with themselves. Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to love and respect one's self. If boundaries do not get created, it often results in co-dependence, low self-worth, and toxic relationships, or toxic work environments. HOW TO EFFECTIVELY SET BOUNDARIES FIRST: Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Ask yourself: What boundaries already exist in my life versus areas that are lacking? What areas can I do a better job of protecting my time, energy, and personal well-being? Get to know your values, which will help you make the right choices. SECOND: For internal boundaries, ask, Is this true about me? Is this about the other person? What if anything should I do to regain my personal power? THIRD: Clearly set and define the boundary, as well as actions you will take to enforce the boundary if it is violated. Often this step is just as simple as getting used to saying no instead of yes. FOURTH: Follow through with enforcing your boundary. Remember, being assertive may be the most loving act you can give yourself.

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BOUNDARIES

FIFTH: Be loving and gentle with yourself. Often people will guilt themselves after setting healthy boundaries. This is normal, yet it might be beneficial to seek additional support from a trusted friend, therapist, or coach. ADDITIONAL BOUNDARY SETTING POINTS • Set boundaries, not manipulations — some people claim to set boundaries when, in reality, they are ma-

nipulating for a specific result. The difference is: when setting a boundary, we let go of the outcome. Only set consequences you are willing to enforce.

EXAMPLE: If setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not ready to leave the relationship, do not say you will go. Instead, say you will consider all of your options. • You are not responsible for other’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. You are only responsible for you.


• In the space below, identify and create healthy boundaries for yourself.

ACTION MY BOUNDARIES

AREA/S I WANT TO SET CLEAR

BOUNDARIES

WHAT I NEED TO DO, TO SET

THESE BOUNDARIES

CLEARLY SET AND DEFINE

BOUNDARY

ACTIONS TAKEN IF VIOLATED


THE VICTIM GAME

DEFINING THE GAME

Dr. Stephen Karpman developed the “Drama Triangle” in the 1960s. We call it the Victim Game, and it is the most destructive interpersonal game we play.

The Victim Game allows individuals to attempt to take zero accountability for their actions and avoid the consequences of their behaviors by placing blame on others. The Victim Game is played out in every aspect of life - in marriage, work, family, even inside our heads. The Victim Game is taught and learned at a very young age. This game is subtle and destructive. It is taught without anyone, even knowing it. It is a learned behavior, modeled by people in our lives, and unless taught differently, we are doomed to repeat it over and over again.

There are three roles in the Victim Game - the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. These roles can be played by separate people or all by one’s self. The goal of people playing the game is to become and remain the Victim. As the Victim, people believe they do not have to take responsibility for their actions or be accountable to others; they blame others for the negative things that happen in their lives. The Victim is aided by two other roles - The Persecutor and the Rescue. Let’s define the roles.

Becoming/remaining the Victim is the goal of playing. To be the Victim, a person must be irresponsible, lack boundaries, possess a sense of helplessness, and show no accountability. By doing these things, the Victim believes they are in control and has all the benefits and no responsibility. What Victims do not understand is this game will only bring them feelings of low self-worth, continuously seeking other's approval, suffering through life, blaming, complaining, and being a martyr.

This role helps keep the Victim in the role by pointing out faults, being critical, blaming, and arguing. The Persecutor often wants things to be their way, and typically there is only one right way - their way.

This role helps to keep the Victim in the role by enabling the Victim, fixing, or down-playing the issue. The Rescuer often wants there to be calm waters and take care of others. Do not be fooled though; this is not a selfless act; the Rescuer empowers themselves by disempowering others. The Rescuer ends up with a Martyr mindset, which leads to passive-aggressive behaviors, thus perpetuating the Victim Game.

KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST

• The Victim Game is Lose – Lose, no one wins

• Playing the game fosters and maintains self-hate and blocks us from loving ourselves and others

VICTIM

PERSECUTOR

RESCUER

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THE VICTIM GAME

THE BENEFITS OF NOT PLAYING THE GAME

• Have love, joy, hope, and optimism in your life

• Be more open to loving yourself and others

• No longer live in fear, self-doubt, pity, and sorrow

• Not playing means being 100% responsible for yourself and 100% responsible to others

• The only way out of the Victim Game not to play

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEADERS AND VICTIMS

LEADERS make mistakes and say, “ I made a mistake,” and make up for it.

VICTIMS make mistakes and say, “I’m sorry,” and do the same thing next time.

LEADERS say’ “I’m good, but not as good as I can be yet.”

VICTIMS say’ “I’m not as bad as a lot of other people.”

LEADERS affect others.

VICTIMS are affected by others.

LEADERS would rather be admired than liked and wind up having an abundance of both.

VICTIMS would rather be liked than admired and wind up having little of either.

LEADERS respect others and try to learn something from them.

VICTIMS resent others and try to find their faults.

LEADERS stand for something and are willing to fight for it if necessary.

VICTIMS stand for nothing and either fight about everything or nothing.


THE VICTIM GAME


1. Think of a recent time when you engaged in the Victim Game, either individually (your own thoughts) or with others.

2. In the “Victim Action/Statement” column, write the actions you took or the statements you made in each of the Victim Game roles (in some cases, you may have played one, two, or all three roles).

3. In the “Adult Action/Statement” column, fill in an action or statement that would have prevented you from playing the Victim game. This column represents how a Balanced Adult Ego State (pg 36) responds.

VICTIM ACTION/STATEMENT ADULT RESPONSE ROLE

VICTIM

PERSECUTOR

RESCUER

SECTION THREE:

COMMUNICATION

“There is a sense of freedom found when listening deep within oneself,

freedom which no single person or event can take.”

- Jodie Lewis


TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

ADULT EGO STATE

“THOSE WHO LOOK OUTSIDE DREAM, THOSE WHO LOOK INSIDE AWAKEN.”

- CARL JUNG

Awaken. I love this word, Awaken. Through each of our individual and unique journeys, can we ever fully awaken into a transcended space? As I ponder this question, one thing I am certain of is that creating awareness for oneself is the beginning of the path to awakening. The journey starts by looking inward versus outward. When creating awareness, we grow into whom we were designed to be rather than whom society constructs us to be. There is a sense of freedom found when listening deep within oneself, freedom which no single person or event can take. With this said, when we only hear (internally or externally) what others tell us, how can we truly listen to ourselves with a level of deep understanding? One way of doing so is through a method called Transactional Analysis.

Transactional Analysis is a theory created by Eric Berne, where people incorporate Ego States while inter-acting with their interpersonal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as well as how they communicate (transact) with others. Berne describes three Ego states, Parent, Adult, and Child/Over-Adaptive Child. Similar to Berne’s approach, yet in simpler terms, I will separate and deconstruct the Ego into five categories, which represent different patterns of thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. These Ego states are; (1) Adult, (2) Critical Parent, (3) Over-Nurturing Parent, (4) Adolescent, and (5) Child Heart. While reading through the discussion of the following Ego states, I encourage you to ask yourself, which Ego State do you find yourself embodying most often?

The Adult Ego State is the part of our Ego, which seeks to understand. While operating from this space, people are in charge of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The Adult Ego sets healthy boundaries and heals our past while letting go of shame or guilt. It is in this state that we are flexible, responsible, honest, and forgiving. Also, it is in the Adult Ego that we confront ourselves or others lovingly and gently, which is a necessary task to create healthy change.

I equate the Adult Ego part of who we are as complete internal and external awareness, which is grounded in the present moment and approaches life with love. It is that simple. When in this state of being, all judgment is suspended, and instead, we approach ourselves and others with curiosity. Suspending judgment is an ideal thought yet difficult call to action because doing so requires the openness to check our learned biases. The more often we operate from the Adult Ego State, the more likely we can transcend to a place be-yond Ego and into complete awareness — the awakened self.

While operating from this part of our being, people listen internally to their thoughts and feelings and examine their behaviors without judgment. When in the Adult Ego State, the individual is fully present, aware of their thoughts, feelings, and actions; and in turn, they can be fully present and engaged while in communication with another. Consider having a conversation with someone. As they are speaking, are you fully present and engaged in what they are saying through their words and body language? Or did they say something, which tweaked a feeling or thought within, and now you are just wishing they would stop talking so you can throw down some of your knowledge at them? More often than not, it is the second scenario in which our society and culture mimic.

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CRITICAL PARENT EGO STATE

When in the Adult Ego State, people allow themselves to become fully aware of who they are — listening to their internal thoughts and feelings (or other aspects of the Ego) on a deeper level. Doing so, they can manage the behaviors that come as a result of the thoughts and feelings. One way to do this is to understand the other parts of our Ego. With that said, let us take a look at the Critical Parent Ego State. Operating from the Critical Parent Ego State, we typically are in a state of being critical of ourselves or others. Characteristics of this part of our Ego include; blame, guilt, shame, control, overbearing, rigid, nagging, scolding, perfectionism, judging, and persecuting oneself or others. Sadly, many people are stuck in this critical mindset and often do not even realize it. I regularly meet people who tend to operate from the Adult Ego with others yet step into this Critical Parent Ego when it comes to themselves. People are cruel to their own heart, soul, and being; yet, are kind and caring towards others. Self-criticism is the direct opposite of being compassionate to one’s self. It is essential to be aware of your inner critic in order to reframe the critical talk and promote a more loving and compassionate stance towards oneself and others. Remember, do not fight the Critical Parent Ego State. When reacting with one negative voice to another negative voice, the likelihood of strengthening the inner critic occurs. The Critical Parent Ego has positive attributes also. Yes, that is correct. Each Ego State, other than the Adult, has positive and negative characteristics. It is our Adult Ego's job to discern whether the different parts of our Ego are serving us well or not. Positive qualities of this part of our Ego include learning our values, morale standards, and right and wrong.

Aww, the Over Nurturing Parent Ego State. The part of our Ego that appears kind, yet, in many ways is toxic to ourselves and those around us. When in this state of being, we often enable others, which actually disables them. Our efforts appear loving and nurturing when, in reality, they are not. When we try to solve other's problems or try to take responsibility for them, we are restricting them from their self-worth and being self-reliant. I see many parents, myself included, fall into this Ego State often. Operating from the Over-Nurturing Parent Ego State can lead us into the pitfall of codependency.

Now let's discuss the Adolescent Ego State. The primary focus of the Adolescent Ego State is survival. When operating here, we find ourselves wanting to be in control, yet not wanting, or seeking, the responsibilities of being in control. Many people living in this Ego state want to be kept safe; however, they do not want to be the person responsible for keeping themselves safe. Often there is a desire to avoid emotional pain (or listening to our child heart) while attempting to meet needs through addiction, sex, overeating, or other maladaptive behaviors. Negative characteristics of this Ego State include lying, manipulating, justification, defending, explaining, sarcasm, compulsivity, gossiping, overly emotional, and addictive behaviors. With that said, some positive attributes of the Adolescent Ego State include creativity, boundless energy, adventurous, and tenacious.

OVER NURTURING EGO STATE

ADOLESCENT EGO STATE



Similar to how people in their adolescent years need a healthy adult to teach and guide them, when an individual is operating from their Adolescent Ego State, their Adult Ego State must step in and be in charge. An excellent example of the Adult Ego State being the guide is a person is going out with friends to dance and have drinks. The Adult Ego State makes sure there is no drinking and driving or over-drinking. If the person was operating strictly from the Adolescent Ego State, they may over-drink and possibly even drink and drive.

Anyone who knows me also knows I have a fascination with the Child Heart Ego State, which is the part of who we are that feels all feelings: mad, sad, glad, and afraid. When in this state of being, we have no secrets, are imaginative, creative, simplistic, expressive, and vulnerable. The Child Heart Ego is curious, playful, innocent, trusting, and has an active and vivid imagination. The Child Heart Ego State learns kinetically (by doing) through experimenting and experiencing. It is the Child Heart Ego State that is the pure essence of whom we were created to be, the part of our soul that no individual or event can take or define. It is also the Child Heart of who we are that is vulnerable and in need of love, guidance, instruction, and gentle nurturing.

Often the Adolescent Ego State will step in and shut down our Child Heart because the Adolescent Ego wants to protect the child from feeling any pain, fear, or anger. Additionally, when our Critical Parent Ego State is loud and shaming, our Child Heart will shut down. It is the Adult Ego State's job to manage each part of our Ego States so that our Child Heart Ego feels safe enough to be vulnerable, authentic, and open.


As you read and reflected upon these Ego States, contemplate these questions.

• Which Ego State do you currently find yourself operating from most often?

• How would operating from the Adult Ego State more frequently create healthy change in your life?

• When was the last time you allowed your Child Heart Ego to express your feelings and be vulnerable? How could doing so allow you to be a more balanced person?

• How does your Adolescent Ego State show up in your life and relationships?

• How often do you allow your Critical Parent Ego State to be in control?

In the upcoming week, become aware of self-critical talk as much as possible, as well as behaviors that may be destructive to yourself, others, or your personal goals. In doing so, incorporate at least one change to as-sist you in responding to yourself or others from an Adult Ego perspective.

REFERENCES:

Berne, E. (2016). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy: A systematic individual and social psychiatry. Place of publication not identified]: Picker Partners Publishing.

CHILD HEART EGO STATE



CHILD ADOLESCENT CRITICAL BALANCED ADULT OVER-NURTURING

Mad

Sad

Glad

Afraid

Fun

Spontaneous

Forgiving

Honest

Content

No Secrets

Energetic

Perceptive

Imaginative

Creative

Communicative

Expressive

Simplistic

Open

Tells It Like It Is

Laughs At Self

Flexible

Loving

Dependent

Irresponsible

Self-Absorbed

Creative

Energetic

Lying

Manipulative

Good Talker

Argues

Justifies

Blames

Whines

Game-Playing

Demanding

Controlling

Compulsive

Aggressive

Defends & Explains

Addictive

Gossips

Survivalist

Has Last Word

Sarcastic

Overly Emotional

Critical

Should’ve / Could’ve

Scolding

Rigid

Compares

Secretive

Nagging

Judgmental

Expects Perfection

Too Serious

Lectures

Threatens

Controlling

Doesn’t Listen Well

Strong-Minded

No Boundaries

Shames

Negative

Decisive

Fault-Finding

Nitpicks

Resolute

Condemns

Loving

Protective

Flexible

Doesn’t Plan Too Far

Can Give and Receive

Responsible

Peaceful

Responsive

Good Listener

Values Others

Good Discernment

Great Communicator

Healthy Boundaries

Supportive

Current With Feelings

Honest

Healthy

Confronts Lovingly

Forgiving

Accountable

Rational

Reliable

Follows Through

Too Lenient

Overly Protective

Poor Me Mentality

Coddling

Enabler

Rescues

Spoiling Rotten

Fixes

Overly-Attentive

Martyr Mentality

Poor Me

Spoon-Feeding

Doubting

Not Trusting

Disbelieving

Suspecting

Nervous

Unconvinced

Skeptical

Overly Cautious

Comforts

Protecting

EGO STATE CHARACTERISTICS


RESPONSIBLE LISTENING MODEL

Dennis String, LPC developed the Responsible Listening Model (RLM) to allow listeners and speakers to become more aware of themselves, their reactions, and responses. Responsible listening responses are accepting, understanding, and, at times, confronting, which encourages further exploration and communication. When the listener uses the RLM, it tells the speaker: “I value you, I am here for you, I am responsible for my life, and I hold you responsible for your life.”

The Responsible Listening Model offers the listener these response types:

RESTATING RESPONSES are the most basic and least risky of all responses. They are a verbal restatement of what is heard by the listener. These responses involve little personal risk by the listener and the speaker and therefore are helpful in building trust. Restating is less threatening to both parties and are beneficial when two people are in conflict over an issue.

When the speaker finishes making their comments, the listener restates in their words what they heard the speaker say. A response beginning with: “What I heard you say is . . .” allows the speaker to verify what was heard is correct or to offer further clarification.

“If I hear you correctly, you’re saying...” “So you’re saying...”

CLARIFYING RESPONSES — Help the listener better understand what the speaker said, wants, or thinks. These responses provide the listener with more information on what the speaker has said and how they feel and what they think about their feelings.

“What do you think about...” “When you say ‘xyz’, do you mean...”

RESPONSE WHAT IT OFFERS

Ensures the listener has heard what the speaker says Restatement

Asks the speaker for more information to gain understanding Clarifying

The listener describes what they observes of the speaker Describing

Offers the listener the opportunity to relate to the speaker through a shared experience Sharing

Used when it is clear the speaker wants to do something positive about responsibly

resolving the issue

Resolving

A question can be perceived as a statement of advice, attack, or denial, which are negative listening responses. Asking too many questions may appear to the speaker that the listener (you) are not listening or are interrogating them.

“

”



DESCRIBING RESPONSES involve more personal risk because the listener gives their personal and honest observation of the speaker’s behavior. These responses involve truthfully telling others what you are observing. This is necessary to have a healthy, loving, co-committed relationship with another person. In a co-committed relationship, both parties are interested in being responsible adults and resolving hurts. To do this, the listener must be honest and willing to offer feedback on the speaker’s behavior.

Once you have restated or clarified what the speaker has said, and the speaker confirms what you heard is what they meant, a describing response can be very helpful to the speaker. Describing responses are valuable if we truly want to know ourselves as others see us. Describing Responses help the speaker see their behavior and answer the question, “What am I doing to keep me from knowing or getting what I want?”

“You look angry by the way you...” “You say you’re ok, but you look mad.”

SHARING RESPONSES allow the listener to show (verbally or nonverbally) acceptance of the speaker, and the listener can relate to the speaker's present circumstances. Sharing responses tell the speaker they are not alone in their way of thinking, such as "I would feel or think that way too." Sharing often involves responding with empathy towards the speaker by offering self-disclosure by the listener of their similar life experiences, such as, “What I did when I was in that situation was…”

“When I experienced _____, I felt...” “I was in a similar situation, how did you handle...”

RESOLVING RESPONSES involve honest feedback by the listener, which involves considerable risk on the part of the listener and the need for a high level of trust between listener and speaker. These responses help the listener clarify the level of responsibility of the speaker by finding out if they want to resolve the problem. Resolving does not necessarily mean fixing the problem for the speaker or making their pain go away. It can mean the speaker recognizes they have an issue and may want to resolve it.

Resolving responses are what distinguishes the person who is being 100% responsible for themselves and defining the erroneous self-defeating thoughts concerning the issue. It allows the speaker to commit to mak-ing the changes necessary to improve.

“What have you done about this in the past?” “Are you willing to do whatever it takes?”

“What will you do right now to change this, and how can I help?”

Sharing responses are hurtful if used too often or if the sharing is untrue or insincere. Sharing too much personal experience may result in dominating the conversation and taking the focus away from the speaker. Being untruthful or insincere may result in the loss of trust between you and the speaker. It is crucial when using a sharing response to share your experience quickly and get right back to the speaker.



PUTTING IT IN PRACTICE #1

1. Using the RLM, respond to each of the following statements using the response types.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE #2

1. Think of a recent interaction with another person, write in their (or your) statement below

2. Using the RLM, respond to each of the following statements using the response types.

STATEMENT RESPONSE TYPE YOUR RESPONSE

Restatement

“I WANT TO EAT HEALTHY AND

EXERCISE MORE.”

Clarifying

Describing

Sharing

Resolving

STATEMENT RESPONSE TYPE YOUR RESPONSE

Restatement

“

”

Clarifying

Describing

Sharing

Resolving


AWARENESS WHEEL

The Awareness Wheel (AW) is a communication tool allowing the speaker to communicate all aspects of a topic to the listener. The AW is not just a tool for communicating with others, but with one’s self as well to better understand how you feel and what you think about a topic. The wheel covers five areas essential for fully conveying the topic at hand.

FACT STATEMENTS describe what you see, hear, touch, taste or smell. Be specific about the time, location, and behavior - report information without judgment.

EXAMPLE: Who: “When you spoke to Tom…” What: “I saw you drop the vase.” When: “Yesterday, when you picked me up…” Where: “At the grocery store today…” How: “I saw you take the book and then heard you say…”

INTERPRETATION STATEMENTS are hypotheses; things believed until new information alters the current way of thinking. When people are mindful of the way they speak and identify their thoughts as their own, they are saying: this is my thinking at this point, and it is subject to change with new information, or this is my opinion; you may think differently, and that is okay.

EXAMPLE: “I don’t think we’re on track.” — “I thought it was a good decision.” — “I believe our budget is too low.”

FEELINGS STATEMENTS are short statements purely describing feelings — Mad, Sad, Glad, or Afraid. Recognize the feeling, label it, and disclose it. Feelings are not right or wrong; they are part of psychological make-up and act as indicators of people's needs.

EXAMPLE: “I’m glad you decided to help.” — “I feel mad I can’t go shopping.” — “I’m glad you are here.”

WANT STATEMENTS beginning with “I would like” or “I want” let others know your desires or intentions. These are direct, specific, and assertive statements for what you want (or don’t want). Make requests and ask questions in this step; be mindful to avoid sounding demanding. Use the word ‘want’ rather than ‘need.’

EXAMPLE: “I want to cut back on our spending.” — “I don’t want to go golfing.”

ACTION STATEMENTS are about your actions and describe what you have done, are doing, or are willing to do in the future. Future actions are most important as they involve committing to do (or not do) something. With action statements, others know what to expect from you. Use action words such as “I am,” “I have,” “I will.”

EXAMPLE: "I will call the contractor." — "I will pick you up at 3 pm." — "I am picking up the contract today."

“ ”


AWARENESS WHEEL

You can start in any of the AW sections and progress in any order; however, while learning, we recommend starting with the Facts section and continuing clockwise finishing with Actions.

An example may sound like:

“I see you didn’t take the garbage out after school, and the dogs got into it. I think you were distracted by your video games. I’m mad and want you to clean up the mess and take out the garbage now. Starting today, I am setting a new rule of taking the garbage out after school before playing any video games after school.”

In this example, I covered all the sections pretty quickly (15 seconds or less). In this case, I was simply communicating this to someone and didn't need a response. The AW can be used when discussing difficult topics.


1.Think of a topic to discuss with someone or yourself, then write it in the Topic section below (keep it brief)

2.Write the discussion points in each section (keep them brief, think bullet points)

3.Practice saying the entire AW in 15 seconds or less

TOPIC SECTION DISCUSSION POINTS

FACTS

THOUGHTS

FEELINGS

WANTS

ACTIONS


47

Resolving Conflict

STEP 1

STEP 2

STEP 5

STEP 4

STEP 3

IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP, PEOPLE DISAGREE

Emotions are involved, there is frustration, voices may rise, feelings get hurt, and people react with fear.

When this happens, the frustrated person may want to continue talking in hopes of resolving the disagree-

ment, while the other person wants to withdraw and hide to manage their fear. The following steps can

assist you with resolving conflict. There are times when it is beneficial to have a third party present.

PARTIES AGREE THEY WANT TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE.

If all parties are not willing to resolve the issue, there is no reason to attempt. Wait until all parties want

resolution then set a specific time (within 24 hours) and place to discuss the issue.

SPEAKER MUST CLEARLY DEFINE THE ISSUE.

The person calling the meeting defines the problem as it relates to them. This is best delivered using the

Awareness Wheel format allowing the speaker to define the topic in five main areas clearly.

FIRST RESPONSE BY THE LISTENER IS A RESTATEMENT.

Parties agree the listener will respond to the speaker with a restatement of what they heard the speaker say.

The listener also agrees not to give their opinion or any response until the speaker has confirmed the listener

heard what the speaker meant. Once confirmed by the speaker, the listener may respond to what the

speaker said regarding that issue.

STAY ON TOPIC.

Even though the roles of the listener and speaker change throughout the conversation, the original listener

can only respond to the information presented by the speaker, stay on task, and cannot change topics. Finish

one topic before moving onto another. If any parties get off-topic, bring it back to the topic at hand. If after

three attempts to get a party back on topic, stop the conversation and ask to resolve at a later time.

THE RESPONSIBLE LISTENING MODEL IS USED.

The Responsible Listening Model will determine how the problem will be resolved and who is responsible for

making sure there is follow-through on the decision. Responsible listeners know that most conflicts can be

resolved if all parties agree to treat each other

“

”


48

FORGIVENESS

I WILL FORGIVE. WHAT I CHOOSE NOT TO FORGIVE TODAY, I WILL MANAGE IN A LOVING AND GENTLE MANNER

Forgiveness is a process individuals work through rather than an immediate goal. The act of forgiveness is an action that can lead to healing, peace, and can also benefit physical health. You may ask yourself, “How do I choose to move into a place of forgiveness?” First, be specific and clear about who or what it is you wish to forgive. Sometimes the who is ourselves. Regardless of the subject matter, recognize your distress comes from holding onto the thoughts and feelings generated from the event, which can seem unforgivable. Secondly, identify the feeling attached to the event and let yourself express the feelings with somebody you trust. Allowing your feelings to surface is letting the light shine on the heart wounds, which initiates the process of letting go. Next, create understanding as to why forgiveness is good for “you.” Holding on to past anger, resentments, hurt, guilt, and shame attaches us to the perpetrator or event in a negative way, creating toxicity in our present. Finally, be gentle with yourself as this process does not happen overnight.

STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. Begins with a choice, do you want to forgive?

2. Identify the event or the person.

3. Change my attitude and my actions.

4. Share the pain / fear / anger with someone safe and God. Feel all my feelings in a responsible way.

5. Release the hurt and give it away.

6. Focus on your growth and kindness to yourself, positive self-talk, affirmations, etc.


• Are you still holding onto anger or resentment surrounding something that happened to you or something you have done to someone else? Are you ready to take the steps outlined above to let go?

• Follow the Steps to Forgiveness above.

NOT ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FORGIVE IS PLAYING THE VICTIM GAME AND...

• Freezes Emotion

• Increases Anger

• Creates Helplessness

• Paralyzes Victim

• Feeds Victim Ego

• Fosters Bitterness

SUBJECTS OF FORGIVENESS

Someone hurt you and you know who and how Someone hurt you and did so on purpose

Someone hurt you, but don’t know who You; a poor decision was made / mistake happened

You believe God hurt you Someone hurt you and is unaware of their actions

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

FORGIVE them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be KIND anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

SUCCEED anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.

Be HONEST and SINCERE anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

CREATE anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be HAPPY anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten.

Do GOOD anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your BEST anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

SECTION FOUR:

FINDING PURPOSE

“I am not asking you to try and change the world;

I am asking you to change your world.”

- Kevin Lewis


FINDING PURPOSE

“I believe every one of us is born with a purpose. No matter who you are, what you do, or how far you think you have to go, you have been tapped by a force greater than yourself to step into your God-given calling. This goes far beyond what you do to earn your living. I’m talking about a supreme moment of destiny, the reason you are here on earth.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

FINDING YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE

Now that you have made it this far in A Course for Change, you have learned twelve life-changing principles, tools to alter your habits and shift your beliefs, skills to help you be a communication ninja, and the incredi-ble power of forgiveness. It’s time to enter the next leg of your journey and discover your life’s purpose. My hope is you moved through many of the negative habits and beliefs preventing you from creating your best life, and you are now ready to uncover what makes your soul shine! Living a life of clarity, meaning, and, most importantly, purpose requires searching a little deeper into who you are.

FIRST, consider the activities, ideas, and experiences you have passion for and create a list of these (for you extra creative types who do not like lists, creating a vision board is an excellent way to help identify the story you wish to unfold). Ask your child heart ego to assist you with this activity by tapping into your feelings and removing any limiting thoughts. Drop down from your head to your heart and ask yourself, “what is that one thing I’ve always wanted to do but somehow has never manifested.” This one thing is what “it” is for you.

EXAMPLE: I am passionate about teaching.

SECOND, identify your strengths and values. You've run through a couple of processes thus far in A Course for Change to assist you with this activity. If you are still struggling with identifying your strengths, ask a few trusted people what they think your strengths are. They may be able to help you identify strengths you didn't even realize you had.

EXAMPLE: I listen to others on a deep level and can teach them to do the same.

I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT

MY STRENGTHS MY VALUES

“

”


FINDING PURPOSE

THIRD, create a list of the things that make you angry, and what you want instead? Additionally, make a list of things that excite you about the world you live in.

EXAMPLE:

FOURTH, who would you like to become spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and vocationally?

EXAMPLE:

WHAT MAKES ME ANGRY WHAT I WANT INSTEAD WHAT EXCITES ME

Non-accessible world (design Accessible world Inclusivity Opportunity for

Societal constructs View through the child heart Love Living with purpose

Climate change Education Kindness Ability to change

WHAT MAKES ME ANGRY WHAT I WANT INSTEAD WHAT EXCITES ME

GROWTH AREA GROWTH DETAIL

SPIRITUALLY I’d like to grow my connection with God

EMOTIONALLY I’d like to honor my child heart more often

PHYSICALLY I’d like to have continued acceptance of the body I am in

MENTALLY I’d like to continue to grow and educate myself

VOCATIONALLY I’d like to continue to help others create healthy change in their lives

GROWTH AREA GROWTH DETAIL

SPIRITUALLY

EMOTIONALLY

PHYSICALLY

MENTALLY

VOCATIONALLY


FINDING PURPOSE

FIFTH, drawing from each of the previous activities, create your MISSION STATEMENT, to serve as your guide.

EXAMPLE:

I am passionate about teaching healthy change; with my ability to listen to others on a deep level, I create change through educating people about inclusivity, love, and finding purpose.

FINALLY, break the Mission Statement down even further to fit this format (fill in your blanks):

I work with _______________, Who want _______________, I help them _______________

EXAMPLE of my final, personal mission statement, also known as my LIFE’S PURPOSE:

I work with people, families, and organizations looking for a change, to help alter their habits, shift their beliefs, and live with purpose.

Now that you have searched your soul and discovered your life's purpose, it is time to take action. I typically like to start with an end goal and plan backward, taking daily action steps to meet my goals. Do not listen to the naysayers, the cynics, or the doubters. When I first started living my life's purpose, long before I had formal education or degrees to back it up, people did not even understand what a "life coach" was.

MY MISSION STATEMENT

MY LIFE’S PURPOSE


HELP US CHANGE LIVES - FOREVER

“We cannot do it without you. People in need cannot do it without you. The truth is we don’t need everyone - we just need you.”

-Kevin & Jodie Lewis

PAYING IT FORWARD

When people want new tools to move forward and be stronger, we are here. When people are out of answers, when they reach their breaking point, when all seems lost, we are here.

Mental Health issues affect so many, yet often times those that need the help the most do not have the financial means to seek necessary services. This help can mean anything from in-patient care to individual counseling for the uninsured. Our foundation gives the opportunity for mental health care for all those that fall between the cracks. Many people want healthy change, yet are not financially able – this is where you can help. Our goal is to provide individuals the opportunity to create healthy transformation in their lives and it is with your generous support that we can achieve this goal.

One Change Group is a tax deductible 501(c)(3) Charitable Organization. Qualifying donations will receive a 501(c)(3) Donation Receipt.

WAYS YOU CAN HELP

ONLINE: Click the link to donate through our secure website: https://onechangegroup.org/sponsor/

BY MAIL: 1275 NE Orenco Station Parkway, Suite H114, Hillsboro Oregon 97124

GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES

Visit us at: WWW.ONECHANGEGROUP.ORG for details about:

IN-PERSON WORKSHOPS - Join Kevin & Jodie for a two day, in-depth workshop learning life changing tools

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ADDITIONAL COURSE BOOKS - Give the gift of change to friends, family, or those in need

10% of all sales through One Change Group supplies or services go towards our foundation to assist those in need of mental health care, yet do not have the funds to pay for it.

https://onechangegroup.org/sponsor/

https://onechangegroup.org/

CREATING HEALTHY CHANGE

1275 NE Orenco Station Parkway, Suite H114

Hillsboro, OR 97124

(208) 946-6998


[email protected]

Copyright 2019 One Change Group.

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be

reproduced or used in any manner without the express written

permission of the author.

Documents

A OURSE FOR HANGE - onechangegroup.org · 22 GIVE HEART 23 EXAMINING ELIEFS 25 MASKS 28 FRAMEWORK OF VALUES 31 OUNDARIES 33 VI TIM GAME 38 TRANSA TIONAL ANALYSIS 42 RESPONSILE LISTENING