A Full Length Musical The Coolest Cat in Town€¦ · A Full Length Musical The Coolest Cat in Town ... * NOTICE * The amateur and stock acting rights to this work are controlled

A Full Length Musical

The Coolest Catin Town

MUSIC BY DIANE LESLIE

BOOK AND LYRICS BY WILLIAM GLEASON

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

*** NOTICE ***The amateur and stock acting rights to this work are controlled exclusivelyby THE DRAM:ATIC PUBUSHING COMPANY without whose permissionin writing no performance of it ma~' be given. Royalty fees are given in ourcurrent catalogue and are sUbject to change without notice. Royaity must bepaid every time a play is performed whether or not it is presented for profitand whether or not admission is charged. A play is performed any time it isacted before an audience. All inquiries concerning amateur and stock rightsshould be addressed to:

DRAMATIC PUBLISHlN"GP. Or Box 129, Woodstock TIlinois 60098.

COPYRIGHT LAW GIVES THE AUTHOR OR THE AUTHOR'S AGENTTHE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO MAKE CaPlES. This law provides authors with afair return for 1heir creative efforts. Aulhors earn their living from the royalties theyreceive from book sales and from the perfonnance of tim work. Cormentious~ of copyright law is not only eJhi~ it encoura~ auth~ to continuetheir creative work This work is fully protected by copyright No alle1a~deleIiom or suh;titntions may be made in the work without. the prior written~ ofthe puhlisle'. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any fannor by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopY1 recordin& videota~ film. or any information storage and retrieval~ without permission inwriting from tOO publisher. It may not be performed either by proftSSionsls oramateurs without payment of royalty. All ri~ including but not limited to theprof~l, motion pic1lJre~ radio, television, videotape, foreign languagej tabloid,recitation. lecturin& publication and reading. are reserved. On all programs thisnotice should appear:

"Produced by special arrangement withTHE DRAMATIC PUBLISHIN'O COMPANY of Woodstock Illinois··

Book and LyricsCOMCMLXXVII by WILLIAM GLEASON

New matter eMCMLXXVII by WILLIAM GLEASONAdditional new matter ~MC~.1LXXIX by Wll..LIAM GlEASON

Music~MCMLXXVLby DIANE LESLIE

New matter ©MCMLXXVH by DIANE LESLIEAdditional new matter ©MCMLXXIX by DIANE LESLIE

Printed in the United States of AmericaAll Rights Reserved

(THE COOLEST CAT IN TO\\'N)

ISBN 1-58342-047-9


CHART OF STAGE POSITIONS

STAGE POSITIONS

Upstage means away from the footlights, downstage means toward the footlights, and right andleft are used with reference to the actor as he facesthe audience .. R means right. L means left, U meansup, D means down, C means center, and these abbreviations are used in combination, as: DR forup right. RC for right center, DLC for down leftcenter, etc. A territory designated on the stagerefers to a general area, rather than to a givenpoint.

NOTE: Before starting rehearsals. chalk off yourstage or rehearsal space as indicated above in theChart of Stage Positions. Then teach your actorsthe meanings and positions of these fundamentalterms of stage movement by having them walk fromone position to another until they are familiar withthem. The use of these abbreviated terms in directing the play saves time, speeds up rehearsals~

and reduces the amount of explanation the directorhas to give to his actors ..

3


THE COOLEST CAT IN TOWNA FuJl-Le.ngth Musical Comedy

For Seven Men and Three Womenplus Chorus

CHARACTERS

principal of high school

.. • his wife

their son

50's singing sensatjon~

~ ....... Leon's brother

LEON BUMPERS ...

MARTHA BUMPERS ...... II

JUNIOR BUMPERS & ..

BILLY DEE BUMPERS

MELINDA SCHECKER

IDA SLAGG .. " m

MARVIN ZELLER .. .. .. ..

DR. HEINRICH

IGOR

beautiful girl student

Home Economics teacher

custodian

Bavarian Iffrigidologist ll

Latvian hu.nchback ~

Dr. Heinrich's assistant

STUDENT·S

REPORTERS

PLACE = A high school gymnasium

TIME: The present

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MUSICAL NUlvIBERS

ACT ONE

Bite the Hand That Feeds You Junior) Students~ . and Band

Disco Rag. " .. I' • .. • .. • oJ Junior and StudentsDon't Say "Shoo-Be-Do-Bop

Unless You tw1ean It Leon and MarthaMiss Melinda " g a • " StudentsSuperstar ....... .. .. .. JuniorOne Kiss ..."... Ida and ZellerSuspended Animation. .. Dr.. Heinrich and ChorusI Lost !\1y Cool .. .. g .. .. " .. Billy Dee and GirlsRock Back the Clock .. " .. Junior and Students

ACT TWO

The Bop Will Never Die .. .. .. . .. . StudentsThe Bop Will Never Die (reprise) Leon and

... " .. .. .. MarthaLet's Live It Over Again .. .. . .. ... LeonYou're My Last Chance . II .. Ida, Igor and ZellerHula Hoop ..........." Billy Dee and GirlsThe Coolest Cat In Town .. .. .. . .. • . GirlsMr. Know It All.. II • • .. " " • • " .. .. .. MelindaDick Clark , Billy t Melinda and ChorusSo What? Junior and CompanyFinale" . . . .. " .. a • .. II .. • Company


PROPERTIES

GENERAL

Refreshment table, bandstand and microphone~

shrub, park bench t clock, scoreboard, largelikeness of Dick Cl.ark for song sequence.Act One: Large freon tube on a dolly(forElectrician); rolling stretcher with blanket (forDr. Heinrich and Billy); prom decorations.Act Two: Arabian ]~ights decorations.

PERSONAL

Martha: Watch, silver chain with ring on it.Reporters: Press hats, note pads and pens,

camera with flash unit.Igor: Cigarette lighter, stethoscope, bottle.Dr.. Heinrich: Stethoscope. comb.Billy: Hula hoops, scarf.Junior ~ Newspapers.

NOTE: Costumes should be of 1980's vintagewhere indicated and then 1950 l s style for theFifties sequence. Individuals may use imagination in this regard, not only in their costumeselection, but in the decorations for the gymnasium. Dr .. Heinrich and Igor wear lab coats(Dr .. Heinrich wears a Fifties costume underhis). For the finale, Junior and Billy wearmatching glitter jackets ..


ACT ONE

SCENE: Curtain is closed. MARTHA steps intolight, looking at watch., She calls offstage toLeon.)

MARTHA. Leon? Leon, werre going to be late.

(LEON enters L.)

LEON. I'm coming . . . 11m coming. (He holdshis stomach as if it hurts.)

MAR'THA. Your stomach again?LEON. That's right, Martha.MARTHA. Don1t worry, de-ar. It's only a high

school dance ..LEON (laughing). Only a high school dance, she

says. The only difference between a highschool dance and Hell, tJlartha, is that in Hellthey play better music. (The Opening f\1usicbegins. During the ensuing dialogue, JUNIORcan be heard [though not seen] at intervals.See Ivlusic.)

ZELLER (offstage). Mr. Bumpers?LEON. Here, Zeller.

(ZELLER enters L.)

LEON (under his breath as ZELLER enters).\Vhat now?

ZELLER. We got a little problem, Mr. Bumpers.LEON. How little?

5


ZELLER. The air conditioner ain't working Q

LEON (turning slowly, then yelling). Whaddayamean 9 it ainrt working!

ZELLER. Just what I said. It ain't working"MARTHA (holding LEON)" Leon, please.LEON II Fix it It

ZELLER.. I'm just the janitor here f Mr" Bumpers 11

Lt1g gonna take an Act of God to fix that airconditioner.

LEON.. I cault wait for God. .. It " Go call areligious electrician.

ZELLER (as he exits L). Whatever you say,Mr.. Bumpers"

IvIARTHA" It worries me to see you in such aconstant state of anxiety" dear II

LEON. That's what I get for being a high schoolprincipal.. I should have listened to my fatherand stayed in the Army" At least they payyou for being in a combat zone ..

(The music comes up and the curtains open toreveal the high school dance in progress.The BAND occupies the bandstand UC. TheSTUDENTS come out, bumping MARTHA andLEON out of the way and forcing them overtoward the refreshment table, R. JUNIOR, inflashy clothes, steps up on the bandstand andtakes the microphone as the music begins.)

(2. BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU)

JUNIOR.I got this feelin 1

And it's burnin' in m·y brainSo listen to me'Cause I got to explainMama holds me downWhile daddyT s turnin' the screwThis generation gapHas left us just one thing to do.

8


We gotta biteEvery nightI gotta biteDo it rightYou gotta bite bite bite bite biteThe hand that feeds you Ii

My eyes are cryin'And my head is in a strainMy guts are churninlWith distrust and disdainThe old has got to go'Cause it is time for the newNo need to ask me J brotherI will tell you\vhat to do.

We gotta biteWith all our mightI gotta biteLike dynamiteYou gotta bite bite bite bite biteThe hand that feeds you.

If it seems a harsh solutionLook around at the pollutionThey're the ones that we've been trustin'And they've made the world disgustin' ..

tAy mama hates meAnd my daddy is a painHe works for moneySo he must be insaneOur parasitic parentsWill bleed us 'fore they're throughThere's only one solutionI will tell you what to do ..

We gotta biteTo see the lightWe gotta bite

7


Don1t be politeYou gotta bite bite bite bite biteThe hand that feeds you.

How can love and peace be growingWhile the A-bombs keep on blowingGan we learn to love our brotherWhen we can't stand our own mother?

My teeth are rottenAnd the atmosphere stinksThe arm·s are e$calatedBy military finksThe sky is filled with sulphurAnd the ocean smells of glueSo sharp.en your bisCllSpids·Cause there's one thing left to do ..

(ALL STUDENTS join in:)

We gotta biteTo see the lightWe gotta biteDonIt be politeYou gotta bite bite bite bite biteThe hand that feeds you.

We gotta biteEvery night 8

I gotta biteDo it rightYou gotta bite bite bite bite hiteThe hand that feeds you ..

(Vibrato note]InflationDegradationBad pollutionNo solution

BAND and STUDENTS"

8

BITE!


(As the song ends, the GIRLS applaud wildly,leave their dates and converge on JUNIOR. TheBOYS migrate toward each other.. They lookunhappy as the GIRLS surround JUNIOR.)

SUE.. Oh, Junior!GAIL. You're the greatest!TE RRI . We love you, Junior.JANE. And that song! What a song!LEON ~ Song? Was that a song? I thought he

was having a seizure. (JUNIOR and theGIRLS give LEON a dirty look.)

JUNIOR. Glad you liked it. girls Il We're gonnatake five now .. . "

LEON.. Years, I hope.MARTHA.. Not so loud, Leon.JUNIOR. We'll be back ..LEON. They'll be back.. Now I have something

to look forward to besi-des kidney stones.JUNIOR e Later, girls.. (To LEON.) Hey! It's

hot in here.. (JUNIOR moves away from theGIRLS toward LEON.. The GIRLS sigh in unison.The BOYS m·ock them and sigh also .. The GIRLSturn angrily toward their dates and theSTUDENTS break up into pairs and fade away.Some exit.)

LEON. I told you he was perceptive, rJlartha.MARTHA. It is a little warm, Leon.LEON. There)s a minor problem with the air

conditioner. Mr.. Zeller is taking care of it.It will be fully operational in a few minutes ..

JUNIOR.. You can't expect me to sing in thisheat. It might damage my vocal chords.. Irvegot to think about my career.

LEON" In a month you'll be out of school. It'stime you started thinking about college.

JUNIOR. I have been thinking about college.MARTHA (quietly).. I told you it was just a stage ..JUNIOR. I've thought about it and I've decided

I'm not going.. (He crosses DC.)

9


LEON (after a pause). I'll kill him ~

l\1ARTHA (restraining him).. Leon! No!JUNIOR (with his back to LEON, very unruffled).

I mean, how many rock stars do you knowattended college?

LEON (reaching for JUNIOR).. Kill! l\1:aim!JUNIOR.. No, Dad. The only school I plan to

attend is " .. .. HThe School of Life."MARTHA (holding LEON back).. Leon~

LEON.. Throttle! Dismember~

MARTHA.. People are watching J Leon. Please!(LEON tries to contl·ol himself .. )

JUNIOR. College isn't important to me.. Mymusic is.

LEON. I'm not going to let you end up likeBilly Dee!

JUNIOR.. You're not going to throw Uncle Billyup to me again.

LEON. Vlhy shouldn't I? VJhen he was yourage ....

JUNIOR. I know! He bad two records in thetop ten. Elvis Presley was running scared.He gnt ten thousand letters a weel\... He wasscheduled to go on the Dick Clark show.. Howmany times do I have to listen to this?

LEON.. Billy was the biggest star this town everproduced. The only star. Billy Dee Bumpers"vas one of the top singers in the nation whenhe agreed to come back and play this hometowndance. There wasn't a girl in the United Statesof America that wouldn't have sacrificed hermother just to touch him. He had it all . . ..fame, fortune, girls J the works. And whathappened to him?

JUNIOR. He disappeared.LEON. That's right. And this is where he

disappeared. Right here.JUNIOR.. Well, I won't disappear ..LEON.. I was hoping you might learn from his

mistake. That pie in the sky you're looking for

10


isn't worth it. If it was, Billy Dee would behere today.

JUNIOR. You've been throl,iv'ing Uncle Billy up tome ever since I picked up a guitar-.

LEON. And I'm going to continue doing so untilyou .... c

JUNIOR.. You mind if we talk about this later?(r.-lotions toward STUDENTS.) My public iswaiting.. (He motions and the BAND strikes achord. The S TU"DENT S are prepared to dance -. )I can't speak for Uncle Billy J but as far asI'm concerned. college will have to wait. (LEONstarts to collar him t but JUNIOR jumps awayand takes the microphone.)

(3. DISCO RAG)

JUNIOR.Put your hands I your hands in the airClose your eyesItls not nice to stareBend your knees and freezeYou're doin l the discoDisco rag.

Jimmy Carter [or name of any prominent figure]Feeling frustrationsTakes them to theUnited NationsStarts to grin and thenHels doin' the discoDisco rag.

A second-hand roseCan twinkle her toesEven folks with eleganceAre out on the floorBegging for moreDon't miss your chanceGet up and dance.

11


Cinderella saw that the shoe fitGame to townAnd knew how to use itJust a chance to danceShels doin l the discoDisco rag ..

ALL.Han.ds. handsFeet f feetHips, hipsOoah that's neatNeck, HeadKnees, bunsArms and elbowsMy, what fun!

Joan of ArcWhile waiting to burnDid flip her BicWhen she got to learnA step or two. How trueShe wanted to discoDisco rag ..

AristotleIn Ancient Greece couldCleopatraKnew that it felt goodSo do I t that's why11m doin t the disco Disco rag.

The young and the oldThey shy and the boldWon·lt let their spirits sagIt's such a delightDanein' all nightDon l t be a dragGet up and rag a

12


Lizzie BordenTook out her hatchetTaught her daddyJust how to catch itChanged her ways t todayShe's doin' the discoDisco rag.

ALL.Legs, legsKnees, kneesHead and shouldersIt's a breezeBack, frontSide to sideOver easyOpen wide.

EverybodyKnows how to do itStep right upThere ain't nothin J to itOn your toes, here goesWelre doin' the discoWe all gotta discoTherels nothin' but discoDisco rag.

(The song ends and JUNIOR crosses towardLEON.)

JUNIOR. You see what 1 mean~, Dad? Music ismy life.

(ZELLER enters L as LEON is about to speak.)

ZELLER. The electrician is here, M'r. Bumpers.LEON (to JUNIOR). I'll speak to you about this

later.JUNIOR ~ It vvon't do any good.. My mind is

made up.

13


(The STUDENTS all fall into each other's armsas LEON stanns off L past ZELLER.. IDASLAGG enters R and crosses in. She looksat the STUDENTS .. )

IDA. Need we be disgusting? (The STUDENTSseparate and come to attention.)

ZELLER (calling after LEON).. Be right with ya,Mr .. Bumpers. (He slniles at IDA.)

IDA Jl Good evening, students ..STUDENTS (with mock formality). Good evening,

Miss Slagg ..JUNIOR (to MARTHA).. Who invited thunder

thighs?MARTHA.. Hush, Junior. She volunteered to

serve at the buffet table ..ZELLER.. Evenint

t Ida.IDA. That's Miss Slagg to you ..ZELLER.. You plan to be here all night?IDA.. I don't see why that should concern you.ZELLER. Thought we lnight get together for a

glass of punch later. ~laybe a short walkoutside? There's a full moon tonight.

IDA ~ The state of the moon does not interestme. Nor does your proposition.

LEON (offstage L t calling).. Marvin?ZELLER. Camin', ~1r .. Bumpers. Good-bye,

Ida. (He starts off m)

IDA (secretive) II Marvin? Maybe later. m • aglass of punch ..

ZELLER (turning back, smiling) to Thatrs my girl.(He backs off L.)

IDA (crossing toward MARTHA r fanning herself) ..Certainly is warm in here.

rvfARTHA.. There's a slight problem with the airconditioner.. I'm sure they'll have it fixed inno time.

IDA.. The idea of spending an entire eveningwith a pack of perspiring students makes meslightly nauseous ..

14


Documents

A Full Length Musical The Coolest Cat in Town€¦ · A Full Length Musical The Coolest Cat in Town ... *** NOTICE *** The amateur and stock acting rights to this work are controlled

A Full Length Musical The Coolest Cat in Town€¦ · A Full Length Musical The Coolest Cat in Town ... * NOTICE * The amateur and stock acting rights to this work are controlled