Introduction A confused girl is the journey of discovering one’s real being. It’s a story of a teenager Who feels herself inferior because of stupid norms of Indian society. But with the Of motivational books she finds her purpose. Her place in life. It’s partly real and partly fictional story. All feelings of this girl are real which is Feel By myself. I also discovered myself through the help of motivational books. This book Is an attempt to express myself. To express the feelings of a person with an inferiority Complex. She always feels herself as a loser but though the end of this book, she understood that

Nobody is lost. She began to love her life. She is in the love of life itself. When she Begins to love her life, she also gets her lover which she desired for long. The possible solution to plastic waste of India is my general idea and it I haven’t done Any real research over it. I have no idea about the actual prospects of such business. Only For the purpose of this story, I have included this idea in my story. So, if any of you plans to do such a business then you must do detailed research over this Idea. I believe that if detailed research is conducted over it, then it will prove a real solution

To the plastic waste of India. At last, I would say that this book is right from my heart. Some of the experiences and the Feelings associated with them are real. I hope all will enjoy this book and understand That nobody is inferior. Minal Sharma

(1) Today is my first day in new school but not in a new class. I have been studying in 6th

Standard, since one month in my old school. I was perfectly happy with my old school. I don’t want to leave it. I have no problem with it. But the only reason because of which I

Leaved that school was that was about 8 to 9 km away from my home. My parents are very protective. I grow in a dependent environment. They Always instructs me, even when it is not needed. They never trust my efficiency. They Never give me a chance to prove myself. They always taunt me, that others are smarter Than me. I am not worthy enough. But what can I say about it? I was taught from childhood to obey parents. Whatever, They say is for my benefit. But if children are expected to listen to parents then why are Parents not expected to listen to children. Why there is not the other way around. I am Confused. (2) It’s my first day in a new school, so I was nervous. Papa came to drop me right in the Class. 1st period was going on. In this school, first period is of the class teacher. So papa went To teacher and talked about me. My name was already enrolled in the register. Every student was Looking at me, I was getting very nervous at that site, so I was biting my nails. I guessed by Looking at their faces that, they are all making fun of me. But what can I do? I deserve this Only. Then, the teacher called me and instructed me to sit nearby Aditi and Lokesh. The sitting Arrangement in this class is strange. (It was not that strange to others, but for me it is Strange.) In my earlier school, there were separate rows for boys and girls but in this class Girls and boys sit Together. I don’t talk to boys much. I feel shy. But what is to be done it’s all arranged by our class Teacher. I can’t do anything except following rules. I never complain .If a thing Is troubling me even then I don’t complain, I will suffer myself but I will not tell it to anybody. Mom admires this quality of mine. She teaches me that women are meant to compromise. It’s in the very nature of women to compromise. But I don’t agree with her idea. Why should Only women? Men should also compromise. Either both should be asked to compromise or none of them should be asked to compromise. Rules should be same for everyone. But in India, men have all liberties but women are Expected to follow code of conduct. What a strange society? But what can I do? I have no alternative other than, listening to my parents sermons. They just tell to do a thing without telling the reason to do. Because of this, I have lots of unanswered questions in my mind. My mind always thinks. In school, I think about home and at home I think about school. All this will suck me one day.

(3)

Our class teacher taught us social science which is my favorite subject. From 6th standard, Social Science is divided into three parts- History, Geography and Civics (Political Science). I enjoy History very much. From childhood, I am fond of reading ancient stories. I always wonder, if I would be the princess of these stories, then how beautiful my life would have been. I just imagine, that I am a beautiful princess wearing a blue gown. My hairs are too long. I live in a grand and luxurious palace. There were Roses, Jasmine, Tulip, Lotus and Marigold. In our backyard, there is a waterfall. It’s all so awesome. I also love reading about ancient civilizations. The Egyptian civilization fantasizes me very Much. I am very excited to know about pyramids. Although I know that pyramids are meant For dead person, but in spite of knowing this, I want to enter into a pyramid once in my life. I Know it’s impossible but my mind doesn’t know what’s impossible. It only wonders. In geography, I only like one chapter it’s about the universe. I want to know more and more About it. When I was a kid, our family used to sleep on the terrace in summers as those summer nights were too hot. Now, I sleep in my own room because I am grown up. However, I miss sleeping on a terrace. It’s too wonderful to sleep under the stars. I also miss the way, bird’s wake up by chirping loudly. Now I wake up on my own with no joy. (4) Civics is very boring. I study it just to score well in exams. It’s a good sleeping dose. A Cheapest cure for insomnia. Our Science teacher looks like a housemaid. Her teaching style is worst among all .She Just write all answers in blackboard by copying from the guide (a guide is a book which Contains answers to all textbook questions). What the students were expected to do, is just write these answers in notebook and in Exams memorize them and you will score well. There is no need to understand concepts At all. Marks are your only destiny. I hate the way she teaches, for me science is an important subject. I want to understand It but the way she taught us, actually I can’t call it teaching. She was just copying. I thought That instead of doing the labor of writing on blackboard why doesn’t she ask us to Purchase guide books, they are not too expensive just Rs40. I have heard that some students of senior classes from 9 to 12th hide guides in their Uniform and carry it to exam hall. Some students tear the important papers. Perhaps it’s easy To hide paper than books. But the thing is what’s the use of such education where our sole aim is To obtain marks by any means. Education should be all about developing oneself. But what, actually happens is students are mad About marks. Only obtaining marks are the criterion of your intelligence. Nobody examines How you obtained marks.

So because of all this, I begin to hate schooling. What’s the use? You can cheat in exams But you can’t cheat yourself. (5) But I have no other way round. I have to attend school otherwise, I would be nowhere. There is a misconception among schools of India that if a child can’t study science and Math properly then he/she will never get anywhere. I am not good at math. I am week in Calculation. I am good in theory. Words are for me but numbers are not. Nobody understands it; even I too don’t know it. I never force myself to read theory. I Study it naturally. But when it’s time to read any practical subject, I start to procrastinate. I never felt an ease with numbers so as a result of all this, my Math is very poor. Although, till now I managed to pass in Math but I am worried because I came to know that as we Move to higher classes Math becomes very tougher. This idea haunts me. I spend most of the time worrying about the future. Deep in my heart, I know that if I will Study Math seriously then slowly, slowly I will be able to grasp it. But constant Worry Always prevents me to take action, so I am unable to grow. (6) I like to read stories from English textbook. I don’t like poems because I can’t understand Them. In exams, questions from the poem section are difficult to answer. In primary Classes Poem reciting was a lovely and beautiful experience. But now poems are too boring. I still love the nursery rhymes such as Twinkle Twinkle little star, Johnny Johnny yes papa, Baba Baba Black sheep. When I was a kid I recited these rhymes, many times in a day with actions. But now the poems, in my text books is not at all lovely and off course teachers also, don’t teach Poems in that way. (7) In Hindi too, I make so many mistakes despite the fact that Hindi is my mother tongue. Hindi has more alphabets than English, I remember all Alphabets of English but I can’t Remember all Hindi alphabets. Sanskrit is my weakest subject of all because of the fact that all other subjects are quite Familiar, as I am studying them from class first but Sanskrit is introduced in class 6th. I am happy, that I have to read Sanskrit till class 8th. After it I have to choose between Sanskrit and Hindi so, I will definitely choose Hindi. (8) My classmates are very strange. In boys there is unity as any boy can talk to anyone. But in girls there is no such unity. We have to choose between a group of Aditi and that Of Priya. More than half of girls are on Priya’s side. Priya is the most intelligent girl of class after, she is Aditi. I can guess that this is the

Cause of their rivalry. Both are girls monitor. Ashish, the tallest boy of our class is boys monitor. The work of girls monitor is to write Name in blackboard of those students talking in free period and task of boys monitor is to Slap them on their back. (9) Ashish is perfect in slapping on the back. He is proud of his ability. He slaps with such intensity That anyone can cry in pain. One day I was just asking for a pen in a free period.

Both monitors have noticed me. My name was written on blackboard so it’s now my turn

To face punishment. I was afraid, so I said in crying tone: “I was just asking for a pen”. But he was committed to slap, so he didn’t listen to me. It was too painful. I wanted To cry. But I am good at denying my emotions, so I denied it and just got busy again in Doing my work. (10) Priya and Aditi are not just only rivals but they intend to divide whole class. So Priya Framed a rule that girls of her group can’t talk to the girls of Aditi’s group. They also Asked to me to choose my group. As majority was with Priya’s side so I choose her Group. I am not in favor of this group. I want to interact with whole class but this group Is limiting me. But I have no other choice, except to join a group because in this class my Identity is tied to the group I choose. (11) My problems are never ending. The fact is that, Aditi is my seatmate and I have joined the Group of Priya so as per the rules I can’t talk to Aditi. But she is my seatmate so there are Chances of talking to her. So one day, I talked to her. Nishtha (one of the girl of Priya’s group) has noticed me talking to her. So she told it to every Group member. At recess, they all called me and said that you are being expelled from our Group because you haven’t followed our rules. I didn’t say a thing and quietly came to my Seat and ate lunch alone. (12) I was expelled from Priya’s group so I joined Aditi’s group. Aditi’s group is far better than Priya’s group. In this group, the girls are very simple and are of very helping and caring nature. In Priya’s group most of the girls are proud, smart and cunning. Aditi and her group help Me in study too. I am grateful to them as they help me to complete my syllabus. This type of grouping continued for one month only. After it both, Aditi and Priya Became best friends. That was good in the interest of the whole class. Now there are no rules.

One can talk to anybody. (13)

Now, Aditi and Priya want to sit together. Likewise, every student wants to sit with their Friends. I want to sit with Anita as she was my classmate from pervious School. Due to this reason, everybody pressurize monitors to talk to our class teacher About this issue. So all monitors requested the teacher to allow us to be sited in this way. But our class teacher Opposed to this idea. She was of the view that this very arrangement will make our class Undisciplined because if all students are allowed to be sited with their friends than they Will talk too much, and disobey teacher’s instructions. So she declared that she can’t allow students to sit on their own but she will allow Boys and girls to sit separately. She herself will decide seats for all students. We were Happy with this proposal too, as neither girls nor boys wanted to sit together. All Wanted to sit separately, so we got what we want. (14)

At this time my luck is favoring me, my class teacher instructed me to sit near Anita.

Perhaps she didn’t know that we are old friends. So we both sit together. She was also Average like me so we share the same bond. We help each other in our studies.

So my 6th standard ended happily like this. I scored 73% at the end of exams. As usual Priya

Was the topper of our class. During this year, I became familiar with my new school which is Not new any more. (15)

Now, I am in 7th standard. Our class teacher has changed. Now, Elena Mam is our class Teacher. She will teach us Math. She is south Indian. She speaks in what I can call Malayalami English. She pronounces “z” as “ez”. I just wondered that I already have difficulty learning Math, if she will teach us like it then how will I ever learn Math. She told us that till class 10th, she will remain our class teacher. So I am again worried. But I am happy for the fact that our science teacher has changed. Now Devi Mam will teach Us science. She explains us so well. She is very soft spoken. She gives special attention to Week students. So there is a hope for me. (16) From this class, Mishra sir will teach us social science. He teaches social science so well. But he is very strict. He can’t tolerate any indiscipline. He wants all his homework to be done In time, otherwise we will be punished. His punishment is simple, we have to stand outside Outside the class. He is very concerned about good handwriting. He wants every student to write well. My My handwriting is bad according to my teachers. So I am always scolded for that.

Most of the teachers prefer to check student’s notebooks in the staffroom. But Mishra sir, checks It in front of the whole class. So one day he was checking my notebook. He commented on mine Handwriting. He didn’t like it at all. He is a sort of perfectionist, he always wants a perfect work. But, I have all the weaknesses of the world so he gives a weird look on my face, and quickly Checked my notebook and then sent me to my seat. (17)

Our English teacher Arvind sir is also very concerned about our handwriting. He has instructed

Us to make a handwriting notebook of 4 lines pages. In that notebook, we have to daily Write 5 pages of handwriting with fountain pen because sir is of view that ball pen make handwriting poor and fountain pen makes our writing better. But I don’t agree with sir’s idea. Quality of handwriting doesn’t depend on the pen which We are using. It depends on the person writing. Anyone can write well with Rs3. Use and And Throw pen as well he/she can write poor with gold polished parker pen. Things doesn’t Have any power in them; it’s the person which generates power through things. But what can be done, teachers don’t listen to student’s ideas. They are meant to impose all Teaching in student’s innocent mind and the sir is doing that job perfectly well after all he is Paid for doing this only. (18) One month has passed till now. Today a new girl has entered in our class. Her name is Yukti. In our school there is the shortage of benches. So if we want to find a suitable bench For ourselves, then we have to arrive early in the class. It’s another cause of tension for me. I work a little slowly. My father calls me slower. They Taunts me the world is moving too fast and Look at yourself you are so slow. If you will work at that speed then you will not find the place Anywhere. Slowly, slowly I began to feel the truth in their statement. I also started observing my Classmates. Papa is right. They work too fast. I can’t keep up with their speed. (19)

So to secure benches in class all students began to come early. My school timing is from

7am so to secure benches I began to wake up at 5.30 am so that I can get ready in time. Yukti have arrived late in the class. So she throws her bag on my seat. Our benches are For 2 students only and from now me and Anita has to share our seat with Yukti, as nobody Wants to sit with her. Yukti is very good at making friends. But she doesn’t like me because I don’t meet her all Expectations. She always comments on me. I wondered why she has a problem with me every moment. She has a problem with my walking, Talking, eating, writing, studying, drinking style. She taunts me every Monday that I don’t press My uniform properly. But every Sunday I properly presses my dress. As per her opinion real press is that in which

The uniform looks brand new. So my uniform doesn’t meet those criteria. So she rejects my uniform. But when I look at her uniform, her uniform doesn’t meet her own criteria. So I thought, She herself not looks at her uniform but taunts me. Why are people like that, they don’t Look at themselves but point finger at others. When a person is like me then anyone can take advantage. So she always taunts me for My mistakes. Although she is also imperfect but I don’t say anything about it. She Wants to dominate me. She always instructs me to do things in a certain way. When I don’t Do it in that way, then I have to face all her comments. I hate her. She has also brooked my friendship with Anita too. Now Anita and Yukti talks too much. They Both eat lunch in the playground. So I have to eat lunch alone in class. (20) In our class most of the students take lunch outside on the playground. Only few students take Lunch in class. Kajal and Sunita take lunch in class. So I have developed friendships with Them. Kajal also lives nearby my house, so we go home together. Both of them helps me Too much and I don’t feel alone anymore. (21) Math of 7th standard is very difficult. I don’t understand how to solve Equations, Geometry Is hard, everything is too tough. I am afraid, how will I manage to pass in 7th standard. I am not that much worried about other subjects as in other subjects, I can memorize and pass. But I am worried for, Math because I can’t memorize it. I have to understand it at any cost. But how? I don’t know. (22)

Today Elena Mam is very angry at me because I have only scored 5 out of 40 marks in Math

Unit Test. I have scored the lowest in my class. I am very afraid. What will happen now? The whole class will laugh at me. Elena man is Already furious with me. What will be the reaction of my parents to such low marks. I can already imagine the whole scene. All students were talking about my low marks. My Parents are scolding me. All this haunted me for about one month. After a month my Parents came to know about my low marks. They scolded me by saying: “You can’t do anything in your life. You will live your life as a loser. I feel the truth in their statement, if I can’t score well in exams, then how the heck I Will get anything in my life. My life will be worse because I am not perfect and in todays World everybody wants a perfect person. Nobody cares for imperfect persons.

(23) After a week, Elena mam has given duty to Priya to teach Me Math. So Priya is teaching Me Math. She teaches much better than Elena Mam. Sometimes, a student can teach much Better than teacher but they are never given the chance to do so. (24) Priya is the most intelligent girl of our class. She is No1 in all extra curricular activities. All Boys admire her. Because of all this she is too proud. But she is also of very helping nature. She is helping me very much in Math. Now I am sure that in 7th standard I will score well In Math because now Priya the most intelligent student of our class is teaching me. (25) So like this, February arrived. February is the time to wind up the entire syllabus as annual Exams are scheduled in March. So all teachers are in hurry to wind up their courses. Mishra sir has already completed his course. Now it’s the revision time for social science. Sir uses different kind of techniques to revise up the entire course. Sometimes, he instructs us to Prepare question paper similar to exams and some other time he calls any student in front of Whole class to explain any specific topic of the subject. So one day, he gives the topic of climate from geography. Then he asked us to prepare that Topic in 5minutes and told us that he can call any student after 5minutes. So all the students Started studying that topic hurriedly. I prayed to god that, my name shouldn’t be called. But my luck has never favored me. Sir called me. I am very nervous. I have never spoken In front of the whole class and now sir is asking me to explain the topic. In nervousness, I didn’t Speak any word for 2 to 3minutes. Now sir is getting angry. He said to me: “Minal, speak up fast. We don’t have much time as other students are also waiting for their Chance.” But I didn’t speak any word because of this sir became very furious. He asked Lavina to slap on My face. Then Lavina came and slapped me. I returned to my seat as a loser. (26) Once again it’s proven that I am a loser. I am nothing. I am of no use. I am just a burden On this earth. If I would commit suicide, then perhaps people would be much happier. But I am too cowardly to commit suicide. Suicide is a brave act. It’s not easy to kill Yourself. But it’s the easiest way to end up all sufferings and pain. I want to commit suicide but I am afraid of all the pain which person undergoes while Committing suicide. So I thought about committing painless suicide.

So I searched some idea from news. I can jump in front of the train but chances are that Anybody can come there and save me. For a while I just imagined a filmed scene, that Superman arrived and saved me and then we both went on a romantic date. But I am not that Much lucky to go on a date with superman.

I can cut my hand nerves. I have watched this scene in many serials. Whenever, a heroine has

A breakup then she commits this very act. But I wondered that, it will give me pain and what if The Doctor would save me. What’s the use of committing attempted suicide. If a person has planned To commit suicide then it should be committed at any cost. I can also eat poison but what if someone comes and force me to vomit the whole poison. I can

Also jump with a high tower. But who will allow me to jump with a high tower. So , I abandoned the whole idea of committing suicide because in all suicides there are chances

Of survival and survival after attempting suicide is much more difficult than that of before Attempting suicide. (27)

So, my life continued like this. After 15 days of that incident my annual exams began. I am

Preparing for that. I hope to score 70% in exams. At the end of March results arrived. I again scored 73%. I am very happy because I have Scored 3% more than my expectations. (28) Now, I am in 8th standard and I haven’t changed till now. I am very imperfect. If any world Record of imperfect person is ever held, then I will surely win it. A confused girl like me Deserves only such a title. You can name any weakness of the world and I have it. I am nothing but a true loser. I am a Loser in its highest sense. (29) In this class, there is no problem of a bench so there is no necessity to share seats. So I have to sit alone because Yukti and Anita sit together. I am bored sitting alone. No one is here to talk to me. I sited this way for only 4 to 5 days. Then another new girl came in our class, Gopika. All Seats are full; I am alone so now she sits with me. She is from a small town. Her speaking Style is rural but she is physically strong. She is not at all cooperative and neither good at studies. Although, I am also not good at Studies but at least I complete all my homework in time but she never completes her Homework in time. She also slaps me because she considers me weak.

No girl of the class likes her. She says to me that no boy can tease her because nobody has Courage to tease her. One day, in free period all girls were gossiping about her when she Was out of our class. They called me and asked what all she says. I just replied that: “She says that no boy can tease her because nobody has courage to tease her.” After listening to all this everybody laughed. Aditi said in a joking mode: “She is not at all beautiful. Boys only tease beautiful girls. She is so ugly. Who will tease Her.” I nodded my head in agreement and returned to my seat quietly Gopika is such a daring girl that she combs her hairs in front of teachers. One day, our Hindi teacher scolded her for that but she didn’t care. Many teachers scolded her for his Ways. Everybody wants to change her but she was determined to not change at any cost. (30) The girls of our class are No1 in gossiping. They make gossips of everybody. One day Rekha was talking about me. Although I was never the part of their gossiping but I heard What she said. She said: “Minal is a beautiful girl. But look at her lifestyle. Look at her hairs. She doesn’t comb them Properly. She doesn’t care for her face at all. It’s too oily. I think that she doesn’t wash her face properly because we also have oily skin but not that much. Look at her dress. She doesn’t press her Dress properly. Look at her shoes she doesn’t polish them properly. She is not good at studies Nor at any extra curricular activity. All of us have some quality or other but she doesn’t have Any of the quality. She is nothing. A useless and a confused girl.” They are all thinking that I am not hearing about them but they don’t know I have heard All their comments. I didn’t argue with her because I knew that she is right. It’s true that I don’t comb my hairs properly because they are curly it’s very difficult to Comb curly hairs. My hands get ached so I just leave them as it is. I don’t wash my Face properly because I am very lazy. I don’t like myself, so I don’t care for my looks.

I want to become Priya. But I know that I can’t be like her. She is perfect and I am

Nowhere in compare to her and sometimes I thought; If Priya doesn’t want to become Minal then why Minal wants to become Priya. Priya is Priya. Minal is Minal. But why did Priya want to become Minal. Minal is a confused and a useless girl and Priya is a perfect girl. So why will Priya loose her perfection for the sake of Minal. Minal has to try hard to become Priya. Otherwise, she can’t survive in this cruel world. (31) In July, our school organizes sports day. It’s never compulsory for all of us to Participate in sports day. But this year, our principle has clearly announced that every The student should have to participate in at least trial matches. I am tensed now. I am not good at any sports. I can’t run well because my stamina is too Low. I don’t know all the rules of basketball and perhaps I can’t drop the ball in the basket. I Can’t properly play volleyball. Football and cricket are organized only for boys so there is no Opportunity in them.

As far as indoor games are concerned, I can play only snake ladder and carom. Chess is The game which I can’t understand. Perhaps, chess is for genius and I am duffer. So I Can’t participate in chess. For carom and snake ladder there are no matches. So I have No opportunities in them. (32) So in all worries, sports day arrived. I have taken part in the 100 meter race. I was Running in fear, so I felled on the ground in between. Then the coach came running. He gives Me water. I drank it and asked him, I am not feeling well, can I go home. Then He said, if you are not feeling well then you can go. So I went to the home.

Next, day all students of the class were making fun of my running style. They were all

Saying that I was running like a duck. They were all intimating me. I didn’t say anything Because I knew that, they were all right. I am just a loser. A confused and a useless girl. I am perfect in only one thing i.e. Torturing myself. I am the harshest critic of mine. I try Hard to deny all these feelings but they came very naturally. I have resolved many times, that From now on , I will become perfect. I will never make any mistake. But these kinds of resolutions never work for me. I make so many mistakes in my life. I am Just a useless and confused girl. I don’t have any talent. I have all the weakness of the whole World. I am nothing, but a loser.

In comparison to me, the girls of my class are very talented. Priya is the most intelligent girl

And Aditi is next to her. Rekha is best in arts and craft. Ashima is good in sports. Mahima Sings well and all others are better than me. I am nothing. (33) My studies are going average as usual. My parents have decided that they will hire a Math Tutor for Me because I am continually scoring very low in Maths. They are worried for me Because of the misconception that if a student is week in Science and Math then he/she will get Nowhere.

So, they hired Sandesh Sir as my Math tutor. He teaches at his home. There are 5 students in

Our batch. He teaches us so well. Thanks to him, now I can understand integers, equations and Geometry very well, which earlier were the alien concepts for me. In addition to teaching Math he also discusses concepts of science. He is excellent in In science and Math. Now I really enjoy studying math. I have solved all the questions of Math textbook many times.

(34) I daily go to tuition. After a month my unit test arrived. Deepti one of the girl of my

Class told to sir that she will not come for next 6 days because of unit tests. Then sir looked At me and asked, if you will come. I replied no. After reaching at home, I told to papa that I will not go for tuitions during the unit test. He

Became very angry. He said: “Your tutor charges Rs.500 per month for only one subject. It’s too expensive. So you Can’t afford to take holidays at tuition. You have to go there anyhow.”

I was left with no other choice except to obey papa’s instruction. But then I thought, if I will go

To tuition during tests then what will sir think of me. He will only think that she is a liar. Earlier she has refused to come; but now she is coming. I can’t talk to papa about this matter because as usual he will not listen. So , now what. I thought about bunking the class. Bunking is like, when you inform at home that you Are in class but in reality you went somewhere else. My tuition is about 1 hour. So I thought where I will spend one hour. Then I got an idea That, I will spend this one hour of riding bicycle. I really enjoy bicycle riding. So for about 6 days, I rode bicycle in my tuition timings. I really enjoyed it. On 6th day Sir called at my home to inform me about the change of time. He called at that time when, I Was At bunk, as per my parents I must be at tuition. My mom replied that she can’t inform me because I am at tuition now. Then sir told that, I I haven’t arrived at tuition for 6 days. After listening to this, my mom became worried She told to sir that: “For 6 days she is out of home at tuition timings. So if she isn’t going to tuition then Have been she goes.” Then, my mom informed the whole thing to my father. My father became very furious. He Said that he is going out in my search. So he looked at the parks nearby. But I wasn’t So there he came hurriedly. Then he said to my mom: “Let’s wait for this girl. When she will come home I will teach her a lesson.” Then after 1 hour, I arrived at home. I have no idea about the whole turmoil. So, I went in The home as usual. My father looked at me and asked where you were. I sensed that he Came to know about my lies. So I said innocently, “I was at tuition”. After listening to another lie, my father became angrier. He told me about the whole Scene back home. So he again asked me, where I was going since 6 days. I was left with No other choice except to reveal the whole truth. So I revealed the whole truth.

Then my parents scolded me for about 1 hour. I feel guilty. I thought, what will happen

Tomorrow. I became afraid of the fact that, if sir would tell our whole class about my lies Then what will other students think about me. Already, I am a loser in my school. Now I Don’t want to be loser in tuition too (35)

I couldn’t sleep well that night. At school too, I wasted all my time worrying about

The future which hasn’t come till now. Time is money but I always waste precious Resource like time in an unnatural state like worry. But what? I am like that and always will be like that. I can’t improve myself. I will Always remain a confused and a useless girl.

So, I spent the whole day worrying. My tuition was in the evening. So at evening, I went to The tuition worrying about what will happen next. To my great surprise sir, didn’t Discussed the whole incident with any student. So I felt relived. Our class went as usual.

After the winding up of the class, Sir instructed me to remain here as Sir wants to talk to

Me. I thought that, now Sir will discuss yesterday’s incident. I became worried. Then after 5 minutes Sir asked where you were going for 6 days. I told him the whole truth. Then he said: “You perceive yourself as too smart but in reality you are not that smart. Lying is very Bad habit. It diminishes person’s self esteem. Now how will our parents trust you. This Time you have done it because of our innocence. But don’t commit such type of bunking Again. I have forgiven you now. But next time if you will ever do this I will expel you From my class, as I am concerned about child’s character then money.” I nodded my Head in agreement and quietly went to home with a guilt feeling in my heart. (36) After this incident, I became more serious about my studies. But it wasn’t getting the The desired results. I want to score well like Priya. But I am not Priya, I am Minal, so it’s Impossible for Minal to score like Priya. I want to become Priya because of the simple fact, that she is perfect in everything she Does. Her assignments and projects are excellent. She is the star of our class. The favorite Of all teachers. Our teacher’s expectations are simple. They want to make every student Priya. But in this Whole process students are losing their own uniqueness. Every child is unique. He/she Has his/her own gifts. But nobody listens to my idea? They just say it’s none of your business. You should Concentrate on your studies. So 8th standard went like this, with all ups and downs. I again scored 73%. It’s a Miracle that for continually 3 years I am scoring 73%. I am bored because of same Scores all the time. But what can be done now. Scores are in my mark sheet and mark Sheet is the key to my confused future. (37) Now I am in 9th standard. I sit with Diya. She is good, but she has a strange Anomaly. She becomes unconscious for 2 to 3 times and starts looking at empty space. I guessed, that isn’t it the sign of Depression. But how can she have depression. She She smiles and laughs fairly well. This happened exactly at the time of recess when she is Eating lunch. I asked her what’s the matter with you, then she told me that she has a Certain disease. The name of that disease is that complicated too, I can’t remember it.

Diya is fond of Priya. She is the shadow of Priya. I advised her that if you are so fond Of Priya then, why don’t you sit with her. Then she replied, Aditi sits with her and they Both are best friends, so Priya is not ready to sit with me. Because of Diya’s attitude I got so bored. I sit alone most of the time because she is Always busy pleasing Priya and gossiping with her. I always think that, Priya and her Gang should from a gossiping department in our class, as they gossip very much.

(38) So after a week, I developed a friendship with Nisha. She is south Indian but her language

Ascent is north Indian because she is born in Rajasthan. Her name is also north Indian Because her father is of the view that she is born in the state of Rajasthan, so she should Should have North Indian name. She sits with Pooja. Pooja has the best handwriting in our class. She is best at designing Arabic Mehndi. All class gives their cover page of assignment to her, as she designs very Well. I think that she should become a jewelry designer. But she says that, she will become Engineer because her father wants her to become engineer and she have to abide by their rules. (39) Nisha has her own small group of 4 girls: Nisha, Pooja, Mini and Divya. Now I am the Part of their group so we are 5 girls. I also changed my seat. Now, I sit with Nisha and Pooja. Nisha has become my best friend. We share a great Chemistry. She is very good from heart. I tell her everything and she listens without passing Any judgment. (40) We have classified our class in departments for our fun. The gossiping girls are the Part of gossip department. Fun loving girls are the part of crazy department. We are the Part of jury because we decide who belongs to which department Boys are classified as vegetables. Slim boys are Brinjal and fat boys are potato. The The other students don’t know about our classifications. If they would come to know About it, then they will surely throw us out of the class. But we will never let them know about our silly classifications. We do all this for our fun Only. Our purpose is not to harm anybody’s feelings and emotions. (41) Now, I am not that much afraid of Math any more thanks to Sandesh sir. Our all teachers Says that 9th to 12th class is the foundation of your golden future. If you want to have a Grand life, then you should concentrate on these classes otherwise you will get no where. It confused me again. Why there are so many misconceptions. From 6th class, this same sentence is repeated every time, only the reference to the class is being changed. I got bored

After listening to same old statements everytime. All these statements are repeated every time. When any student scores low. Teachers say That my IQ is low. But they don’t tell in which reference to my IQ is low. They haven’t Measured my IQ and still says I have low IQ. But they are teachers and teachers are never wrong. Whatever they say is for the benefit Of the children and we can’t question their wisdom because they have seen world more than Us. (42) So likewise, half yearly exams arrived. I am fully prepared for it. But again, I scored Average. I don’t understand what happens to me in the exam hall. After returning from the exam Hall, I remember all answers but in exam hall I just forget. That all happens because I am a confused and a useless girl. Priya is also of my age But her memory is too sharp. She remembers each and everything. But I can’t remember Much. I am just a loser. In half yearly exams two classes sit together. So in our room, 9th and 11th standard sits Together. During exams, I was seated with a very smart boy of 11th standard. I really liked Him. My class is upstairs and his class is downstairs. So , whenever I got the chance I look at At him through the corridor in front of our class when no teacher is present. (43) Slowly slowly, I am attracted towards him. I want to develop friendship with him. He is A slim and fair boy. His face cut resembles my face cut. We both have sharp nose. My Friends say that you both together will look like, brother and sister. But I don’t want to be His Sister, I just want to be his friend and nothing else. But again, I thought does he really like me. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know that I secretly watch him. I want to talk to her but I feel shy. What if he said no. Why will he Like me. I have nothing in myself, by which anyone should like me. I am just a confused And a useless girl. I don’t like myself and expect that someone else should like me. I don’t love myself and Expect that someone else should love me. I don’t accept myself and expect that everybody Should accept me. People apply double standards on others but I am a such a unique piece that I apply Those standards on myself. Together both things are not possible. I hate myself and expect That someone else should love me is not at all possible.

If I want love than I have to love. I don’t care for my looks. But now, I should take care Care for my looks. Otherwise he will not like me so; I began to care for my looks. Now, I wash my face many times a day. I comb my hairs properly. I have decided that now I will increase the length of my hairs. My hairs are short but now I will grow them because my friends says that Boys like long hairs. So, 9th standard went like this in caring about looks and studies. I again scored 73% as Usual. (44) From 10th class, my looks began to improve. I got many good compliments from girls of My class. I realized that love of ourselves is based upon others opinion. When others Disliked me, I also didn’t like myself. Now others like me, so I like myself. Can’t we like ourselves without waiting for others praise and appreciation. But it’s not Possible because our conscious mind always says that others are right and we are wrong and Why it happens I don’t understand. I understand only one thing that my mind doesn’t want Me to discover myself and that’s all. (45) 10th class is a board class, so we’ll have to give our annual exams in another school. In Other classes, the marks right from the first unit test to annual exams mattered. But in 10th, Only marks of board exams matter. In India 10th class is very crucial. Although pressure to perform is in other classes too. But In 10th class both teachers and parents become a pressure cooker. They advise us to sleep Less and study more. But I can’t compromise my sleep for my study. Sleep is the only time when I am peaceful. I really Love to sleep and I don’t understand when we have one full year to prepare, then why our teachers Are pressurizing us from day one. They all advise us that complete all your course till November, then we have to revise the whole Course for 5 to 6 times. I thought that if; I will follow their advice then will get exhausted And bored. When you are in 10th board then everybody becomes your well wisher. All acquaintances asked me If I am studying well and all repeat the same thing that 10th class is our future, so study well. I got bored now I want to ask them how much they have scored in the 10th class. But I can’t ask them because I have no right to question the elder’s wisdom. Whatever they say Is for the benefit of us. I have no right to question their false beliefs. (46) After 10th board the students, get the option to choose their subject’s. So not only, I am Advised to study well in 10th but in addition to this, I am advised to take a particular Subject of their interest.

Nobody asks which subject is of my interest and I also don’t know which subject should I Study. In whole education system the focus is on knowledge of science, math, world, Language, nation and environment as a whole. But no school ever teaches us about how to Know our self. I have heard many times that everybody has their hidden talents. I also want to know what Are my hidden talents. I want to discover myself. But how. I don’t know. I am confused Again. (47) So the 10th standard is going as usual. I came to know about the name of the boy to which, I am Secretly attracted. His name is Vicky. Now, he is in 12th standard. 12th standard is the last class Of whole school. He studies science. He is the most intelligent boy of his class. The girls of Of his class admires him and he has many girlfriends. So now, I have no chance to develop friendships with him because he has many girlfriends Already, so why will he develop friendship with a confused and a useless girl. I have leaved this love matter to my destiny. If in my destiny there will be a lover, then I will get him and who knows the future. May be my dream lover is waiting for me Passionately. (48) Now I am focusing on my studies. For the first time in my life, I get full out of full marks in Math Unit test. Elena Mam is very happy for me. I am also happy because at least in Math, I scored equivalent to Priya. Now Science is divided in three parts Physics, Chemistry and Biology. I only like Biology Because Biology is a theory. Physics is very much more mathematical so I don’t understand it and Chemistry is beyond my head. If I have to pass in science, then I have to study Biology and theory of Chemistry and Physics well, otherwise I will be failed and failing is similar to committing sin. (49) Social science of class 10th is very interesting. My favorite chapter is the Vietnam War. I have Read it for 15 to 20 times and still I want to know more and more about it. I Really like Chinese, Japanese, Korean people because of their small cute eyes. So likewise, 10th standard is going as usual. Teacher’s pressurizes us to study harder Because it is 10th. The prestige of schools depends upon the results of 10th and 12th standard. They are more concerned about their school’s prestige rather than a child’s interest. I am taking 10th standard as normal because its normal the only difference is that, the The examinations are going to held at another school.

(50) Likewise, November arrived and the teachers have winded up their whole course. The last Chapters were taught in a hurry as it's compulsory to wind up all course till November because in December pre boards exams are being held. Pre boards are the exams preliminary to board exams. They are held in the same pattern as that Of board exams, with the only difference that pre board is being held in the same school. In some Schools, they conduct pre board once but our school conducts it twice, one in December and Another in January. Board exams are conducted in March. In both pre board exams, I scored average 73%. Now I feel a special connection with a number 73. Why I always score overall 73%. Maybe it’s because I always prepare 73%. But why it’s Always 73% why don’t 1% more or less. Why my clock always strikes at 73%. It’s a Great mystery. (51) Likewise, March arrived and with March the exam season in India arrived. Newspapers are Filled with advice to students about how to study, prepare time table, score well etc. Generally Advices are same, which our teacher and parents give us but I don’t follow anybody else Advice because it never works for me. I make my own system which works for me. My exams are from 3rd of March. The first paper is of Social Science my favorite subject. This is my last class in which I am studying it because I have decided to take Commerce and In Commerce there is no need of social science. I am preparing well for Social Science. I have read all the chapters of History 5 to 6 times. Geography is little tough but I can attempt it questions. I have memorized civics. (52)

So here the most awaited moment has arrived, board exams have begun now. My father

Dropped me to the examination center. I checked my Roll No and looked at Nisha she was Standing nearby. I told her that we both will sit in the same class. Then we went toward our Class discussing about the examination. It’s common among all students that irrespective of their quality of studies, they always say That they haven’t studied anything. So we also said the same to each other to follow students Custom. Then, we both arrived in the class. I got the second last corner seat near to the window. Nisha Was given the seat next to me. We both seated in our respective seats. Then I looked out of the Window and saw a beautiful flowery garden. March is the spring time, so the flowers were Blossoming. It was all so beautiful. I wish to grow such a garden in my dream home where I will live with my future lover. During exams we are instructed to come half an hour before so that we can reach in time. As today is my first exam, so all students have reached till now. I took a look at other students. Some are looking quite nervous, some are confident and some are like me, looking out

And watching at other students. I spent half an hour like this. In our school only one invigilator is present during exams but These are the board exams so two invigilators are present. Now they are distributing us Question papers to read, as we get fifteen minutes extra time to read question paper and prepare Our strategy to answer accordingly. After receiving my question paper, I began reading it. The entire questions were easy. I knew All answers. I was very happy with the fact that, I will score well in this paper. I finished reading the question paper in only five minutes. I didn’t prepare any strategy for Answering because I knew that I will never follow it. So I spent, the Remaining ten minutes Looking out of the window and at other students. Then the invigilators distributed us the answer sheets, we were instructed to fill entries first And then start writing the answers. So I filled all my entries and began writing answers. I Have answered all the questions well. The exam was scheduled for three hours and I have completed my answers in two and And half hour but I wasn’t allowed to leave the exam hall because in board exams Students are not allowed to leave the exam hall before the scheduled time. So I spent, my Half an hour looking out. Then the time of exams was finished. Invigilators asked students to stop writing and They collected the answer sheets from the students. After collecting all the answer sheets, They asked us to leave. All of us came out of exam hall feeling relieved. Out of the school there was the crowd of parents waiting for their children as it is their first board exam. They all wanted to know, how their child performed. I was looking for my father. My father Was on the right side of the gate so I went in that direction. My father has already seen me and Smiled at me. I guessed that he knew that my exam went well. After I reached near him, He asked how your exam was. I replied that it went well. So my father became very happy And we went home. (53) Likewise exams were going by. Math was average. Science was difficult but I hope to Pass. English was average. Hindi was easy so, I will score well in it. At the end of the March, examinations were over. I feel too relived. After returning to home I slept all day. I really love to sleep. Sleeping is my only hobby as I can’t sing, dance, paint and Draw. I am not creative. My life is very boring only study, sleeping and eating. (54) After board examinations there are holidays of three months. I was worried, that how I will Spend my three months at home. My mom advised me to learn all housework, as I am Growing old, so I should know all that, otherwise I will ashame my mom after marriage.

I am not interested in working at home with my mother not because, that I don’t like Housework but, because I don’t want to work with my mom. She lectures too much on little Things. She can’t tolerate little mistakes. (55) So I spent, my time in reading different story books, sleeping and watching T.V. I read Panchtantra many times because it’s very interesting. It is said that one who understands Panchtantra in its truest sense can become a good diplomat. I don’t understand it in its Truest sense because I don’t want to become a diplomat, but if you want to become clever then It’s a good read. I have also prepared a scrapbook in which I have posted pictures of beautiful birds, Gardens and watches which I have cut down from Chotu Motu (a children's magazine). The pictures are very amazing and wonderful. I wish to go to such places. (56) After one and half month of holidays, the results of exams were announced. Newspapers Was filled with board toppers and their interviews. I again scored 73% marks. What a Great consistency, right from 6th standard, I am scoring 73%. Now, I think that I must go to a numerologer and asked him that is the No73 have a great connection with my destiny. Why I always score 73%. It’s a great mystery. (57) After 6 days of the declaration of results, I went into the school to collect my Mark Sheet. There I meet Nisha, she has scored 76%. She advised me to take subjects from regarding Subject to be chosen in class 11th. We both went to the reception and bought that form. Then we both went out and rode each other bicycle for half an hour. After it we went home. In 5 minute ride, I reached home. I went in. I showed the form to my mother. My Mother asked which subject, I want to choose. I replied that I will choose Commerce. Then My mom advised me to choose Science. But I refused because I will never understand Science properly and Arts was not in my school and my parents will refuse to change the School, so the only option left was to choose Commerce. (58) In July, our three months holiday was finished. Our school had two sections of Science and One of Commerce. We have forty students in our class. Priya has chosen Science. Some Teachers are on view that Science is the subject of genius and Commerce is about average Students. But I don’t agree with their view. Every subject has its own significance. Both Science And Commerce is required for progress and development of our nation.

(59) Now we have to study five subjects: Accountancy, Business Studies, Economics, English And a choice between Hindi, Math and Information Practices. I have chosen Hindi because It’s easy. I have decided that in 11th standard, I will become Priya of this class. So for that, I am Studying well and in addition to this I daily watch business news. (60) Akash Sir teaches us Accountancy and Business Studies. He teaches business studies Well. I think that Sir doesn’t like Accountancy much but in spite of this he teaches us Accountancy and expect all of us to understand it well. How’s that possible. In Business Studies class, Sir calls all students one by one to come in front of the whole class And instructs them to explain the recent topic which he has taught. To my great surprise, I explain Fairly well. I am experiencing a sudden transformation, earlier I was a stage phobic but Now I am a stage lover. It’s a great miracle. (61) Vinita Mam teaches us Economics. She is very strict. She herself doesn’t understand economics. I have seen her studying Economic from another teacher in the Library. She doesn’t know how To talk with the students. Savita Mam teaches us English. She is too slim. She looks very unhappy. I always think Looking at her that whether god has burdened her with all the sufferings and pain of the Earth. Even students don’t listen to her. Akhilesh Sir teaches us Hindi. He is from Manipur and has a shorter height than me. I don’t understand what all he teaches, as I can understand Hindi on my own. (62) Likewise, first unit test arrived. I scored highest in all subjects among my class. I am Very confident now. I have become Priya of this class. Now Minal is Priya. Wow! I have Got what I really, really, really, really, really want.

I was very happy with my first victory, now I am fully assured that I am not that much

Confused and a useless girl. I can also achieve my goals. (63)

Yukti have also chosen commerce, so she is in my class. She is envious with me from the

The first day she has entered this school. Now she had become more envious because Of my achievements.

Earlier, our scores were similar so there was not that jealousy on her part. But now, I am ahead Of her, so she is jealous. One day Yukti and her gang were at bunk in business studies class. They were total 9 girls. Sir noticed the strength of class, so he inquired that why the strength Of class is too low. Nobody said a word. Then after five minutes, Ankita the girl of their group mistakenly come into the class. Sir asked her where the other girls of her group are. She replied that all of them are in the music room Preparing for the upcoming function. After listening to this, Sir became very angry. He said:

“Why in my period they have gone out. There are other periods too. I can’t tolerate Such acts of indiscipline in my class. Let them come in the next class, I will teach them A lesson.” Then Sir asked, Ankita to write the name of all girls which were out. She had written all The names except that of Yukti. I was also looking at the paper. She had not written the Name of Yukti so, I said in front of Sir that, she is also out. Then the sir instructed to write Her name, too. After taking the names list, Sir went out of the class informing us today, he is not in a mood to teach us. So all of us have to study ourselves. Then sir went out. Ankita began to quarrel With me that , why I had spoken the name of Yukti. I said: “I have only spoken truth. You have written the name of all girls except that of Yukti just because Of the simple fact that, she is your group leader and one of the features of leadership is that when the followers make mistake leaders should themselves take responsibility of their mistake.” Ankita becomes angry after listening to all this. She said: “Please keep all your knowledge to yourself. We don’t need your knowledge. You already Have created a big trouble, so now please stop creating further trouble.” I looked at Ankita and smiled at her and then returned back to my seat. I was happy Because now Yukti is in trouble. Then Ankita went out of the class in search of her gang. After five minutes, they returned Shouting at me. Yukti said to me: “Please Minal, don’t become too over smart. Why you have given my name. Why didn’t You keep quiet at that moment. Don’t be so proud of your marks.” I didn’t speak a thing to the Yukti because I am not good at quarrelling. I just can’t quarrel. So To avoid them, I went to the library. In next business class they were all present. Sir inquired about each and everything where We were they, why they went there and all. Then sir instructed, them to bring a letter From music teacher as a proof. They all become worried. They told the sir about the whole truth. Then sir said:

“He already knew it because that day sir has seen all of them going to the library before The commencement of business studies class.”

Then all of them, said sorry. Then the sir explained that studies are for their own benefit. If

They will not cooperate then, how teachers will be able to teach them. After it all of them Returned to their seat with heads down.

After this incident, Yukti became more jealous of me. I hate her and she hates me. We

Hate each other because we don’t like each other. We don’t like each other because we Hate each other. Oh! I am becoming confused again. Oh! Not again. I don’t want to be Confused and useless girl again. (64)

But what can I do. I have no self control over myself. Most of my acts are automatic. I do them without ever thinking of the consequences. I eat my food at the same time, study At the same time, sleep at the same time. Everyday is same; there is no adventure at all. I haven’t gone for any vacation from class 6th. Neither my school nor my parents take me To any vacation. I can’t go out on vacation with my friends because my father is on view That girl has no right to have fun. So he never allows me to go out with my friends. If was a boy then surely, he would allow me. But I am a girl so I have no right to have fun. They want me to be on an isolated island. But how can anyone living in Rajasthan be in Island as Rajasthan is a desert area and there is no sea in our state. I haven’t seen any sea In my life but I wish to see it in near future. I have prepared many plans for vacation in the future when I will become an independent girl. I Will vacate on the beach and mountains. I have planed that every year, I will I go on at least One vacation. Sometime I will go to Andaman and Nicobar Island. Sometimes, I will go To Manali, Shimla and Kashmir. I want to travel whole world but first I will travel whole Whole India.

I just not only want to travel the whole world but I want to travel in the universe too.

These are my secret wishes which I never tell to anybody because I know if anybody Will listen to all this, they will laugh at me. So I keep most of wishes to myself. (65) The 11th standard is the best year of my school life till now because in this class I have become

The star of my class like Priya. I have also come to know that, now Priya has become average In her class. Priya is average in her class and Minal is genius of her class. What a great miracle Of time! I don’t understand why I enjoy the downfall of others. That day, I enjoyed the trouble Of Yukti and now I am enjoying the downfall of Priya. How self centered and mean I am. Papa says right that I am very self centered, I only think about myself. But what can I do? I believe that if I will not think about myself, then whoever will think About me. So I always think about myself and I don’t feel guilty for that. I have all rights To think about myself.

(66)

So 11th class was going perfectly well. In October, we got the 15 days holiday because Of the danger of Swine flu. In Jaipur only 5 to 6 cases of Swine Flu were reported and all Cases were of the school children. So for prevention, administration has ordered holiday off All schools. So at that time I became, interested in knowing about Swine Flu. I don’t understand why I have such weird types of interest. I think all this because I secretly wish to die. I also want to know about Swine Flu through the Internet but in my home there is no Internet. What’s the use of a computer without the Internet. I only use my PC for playing games And for preparing school presentations. All my friends have their personal Cell Phones but I don’t have any because my father is Of view that Cell Phones and Internet spoils children, so it’s better to avoid them as much As possible. But I don’t agree with their ideas. In this day and age, Cell Phone and Internet are a Necessity, one can’t live without them. But papa doesn’t understand this, he lives in twenty First century and thinks like that of the eighteenth century. I never understood my parents view. They are very orthodox and I am very liberal. So it’s impossible to be together. But in spite Of all this we live together because I keep all my views with myself, they never came To know what all I think. So I began, to gather all the information about swine flu through newspaper and T.V news. One day I heard that, one of the symptoms of Swine flu that in Swine flu patients' nails Become bluish. I examined my nails thoroughly they were whitish as usual. I became sad Because I don’t have the Swine Flu. I always want that I should have a deadly disease about Which I can’t talk to others and gain their sympathy. After 2 days, I decided that now I will not search about Swine Flu because it is unnecessary Stressing me. So I spent my remaining days in Studying. (67)

After holidays, school reopened. I entered in my Class with a sense of confidence. Now

I am proud of myself. I can also achieve something. I am very happy. Now, the boys of my class admire me but I don’t care about them all because I don’t

Really like anyone. I always believe that there is someone special for me who will come Himself in my life. (68) In January, I watched three idiots. That movie is really good. I really liked the acting of Aamir Khan. I especially loved the song of movie “Give me some sunshine. Give me some Break. Give me another chance I want to grow up once again………”. Now it’s my

Favorite song. Whenever I am free, I listen to this song. It’s too melodious. Likewise, 11th standard went like that. I enjoyed all the glory which I got in 11th standard. Now Minal is topper of the class. My most awaited moment is reality now. At the end Of the exams I scored 90%. I am very happy because it’s the highest score of my school Life till now.

(69)

Now, I am in 12th standard. It’s the last class of my school life. I am very excited about The idea that now we are the senior most classes of our school. Our all teachers are same, nobody has changed. I am really bored of the same thing every Day. Everyday I am in the same city, school, class, and home. Everyday I wake up with the same face. Everyday I am with the same people. Why everyday is same. I can easily predict what will Happen next day. Although, certainty is good but the little amount of mystery is essential to Add taste to life. I am really bored of everything in school right from prayer to the class. Studies are Very boring. Books are just the sleeping dose for me. The beginner’s enthusiasm of 11th 11th standard has ended now. It’s always the problem with me. When I start anything I am very enthusiastic about it but When the newness of that thing is gone then my enthusiasm is gone. It happens almost Every time and that’s the sole reason why I don’t get the desired results. (70) 12th standard is more crucial than 10th standard. Although both are board classes but the Result of 12th standard determines the college which we’ll get. Our teachers always Suggests us that, we should try for SRCC college of Delhi. But the cutoff rate of SRRC is About 94% to 95% for general category students. Only the most intelligent students of Our country can take admission there. So I never dreamed of getting admission in that college just for the simple fact that, I Can’t score that much higher. Although, I scored well in 11th standard but this is 12th standard So I can’t score that well. But I vowed to score at least 90%. (71) So, for this purpose I decided to join a coaching institute for the study of Accountancy. Now I have Activa (two wheeler vehicle) so I go by Activa at coaching. In our coaching, we Are six girls and two boys. As majority is of girls so we do lots of fun with studies. At coaching, I have developed good friendships with Mehak. She is very friendly and Humorous. We talk very much. We discuss about everything right from studies to all kinds of Gossips. We also play Tic-Tac-Toe when our teacher is not in our class. In this game Mehak always wins.

(72)

One day Mehak and I was going home together. Her house was nearby so, I dropped Her in her house. Near to her house is an empty lane. So I stopped there to wear my helmet. It was evening time so a boy came there in his motorbike. He stopped his bike in front of my Activa and said to me excitedly: “I want to develop friendship with you so, please give me your cell number.” Then I became very angry because he is an unknown boy and in spite of this he is directly Asking my cell number. In addition to this, he was following me right from the main road. So I scolded him angrily. I said: “Why do you want my number? Do you boys not have any other work other than following girls. Because of boys like you, Petrol in India becomes expensive day by day. You are Polluting both social and natural environment of our county. So please leave me alone.” After listening to me, he became very sad. Then he went out of that road. I also wore My helmet quickly because I was worried about the fact that in the evening it is dangerous for Girls to be in the empty road. So I quickly, started my Activa and went to the home in fear. I was Continually watching my side mirror because I was afraid that he will follow me till home. But thanks to god, I reached home safely. (73) Next day, I told the whole incident to Mehak. She said in an angry tone: “Minal, you are mad. You shouldn’t have stopped there. You don’t know about these types Of boys. These types of boys are just dogs in search of their cats (girls).” Then I replied: “Yes, Mehak you are right. From now on, I will never stop at any empty lane. I will Always prefer main road.” Then she explained to me: “Nowadays, there is no safety for girls. So be alert. Avoid the empty lanes at night. Always prefer main road.” Through this whole incident, I realized that one of the reasons of my inferiority Complex is my gender. If I would be a boy then, I wouldn’t feel too inferior. But I am inferior because of the stupid norms of Indian society. This inferiority complex is in my Genes and I can’t do anything about it because I have no control over my genetic factors. (74) So my life was going with same boring speed. One day, the Accountancy teacher of our Coaching instructed us to practice the accountancy questions. So we were all solving Questions expect me because I solve all my questions at home alone. Actually the thing is It’s hard for me to do group studies. I can study alone very well but in the group I just can’t Study because then I get busy in looking at other students.

So today, I was doing simple that I was looking at others and pretending that I am solving questions. But in reality I wasn’t solving question but everybody was thinking that I am solving Questions. I am very good at pretending that I am studying. It’s very easy to pretend like This as what I do is just look at the book and write something, who sees what I am Writing and nobody inquires in that much detail. After some time, Sir went out of the class because he had to do some work. So Mohit asked To me his Doubt because he thought that I am intelligent. But I didn’t know the answer, In spite of this I did guesswork and told him to do it in that way. He wasn’t satisfied with the Answer so he said to me, that I am wrong.

From 11th standard I become very proud of my intelligence, so I refused to admit that my Answer is wrong. Then he said, we’ll ask our teacher if your answer will be wrong then I Can demand anything but if my answer will be wrong then you can demand anything. I Agreed to his idea. Then we waited for sir. After two minutes Sir arrived. Then he asked about that doubt. He was right and I was wrong. So, I became frustrated with the fact that I am wrong. Then he Said to me, after the class he will tell me what he wants. So after, winding up of class we all went downstairs. Then he said to me that he wants to Become my boyfriend. I became very angry after hearing that. I said this is not fair, the agreement was that you can demand anything and I am not a thing so you can’t demand me. Then he laughed aloud and said that he was only joking. I also laughed with him and said You are crazy. So he replied “I am crazy only for you” and then he went away. I was Again confused what he wanted to say. After returning at home, I was only thinking about him. I thought that was it only a joke or He really loves me. But how can anyone make a joke like that. But it’s not necessary that I am always right. May be he has made a joke. Whatever it is, I am confused. But one thing is sure I don’t love him. He is good but I don’t have any feelings For him. He is just my friend and nothing else. But I also thought that I am not that bad so why Doesn’t he love me.

Oh! I am very confused. I want that he should love me and I also know that I don’t love him.

Why I am always so confused. I should decide one way either I should love him or not. For Now leave I should leave this matter to time, if any signal comes from his side then I will Decide. (75) So the next day, I went to tuition thinking about all these things. But to my great surprise, he Didn’t come that day. I was disappointed. Now, I understood why I was enjoying all this matter because it is a slight Departure from everyday routine and it’s something interesting. Although, I am not really Interested in him but I want that he should show interest in me. I just want to play Attraction game with him which I haven’t played with anybody.

Likewise, everyday I went to tuition hoping that he should show some signal. But he was as Usual. I wondered if he has lost interest in me. May be he didn’t find anything in me to hold On his interest. Now I am back in my same boring And monotonous Life. (76)

So the 12th standard was going as usual. One day Vinita Mam commented on me, that why I always smile. I said, I don’t know my face is like that so nothing can be done. Then Mam Replied to me in a funny tone “Ohh! I see. Her face is like that.” I wondered what’s the Problem with Mam. If I hadn’t any problem with my face then why Mam is so much Concerned about my face. She is crazy. Vinita Mam didn’t like me much. She doesn’t like my handwriting. Every time, after Checking my notebook she always comments on my way of doing homework. Actually, the Fact is now I don’t concentrate that much on my homework because I consider it as a waste Of time. So I am getting indifferent towards it. One day, both Nisha and Avantika were talking in Vinita Mam’s class. I was getting Bored so I slightly interrupted in their talks. At the same moment Vinita Mam saw me. She said in a furious tone: “Talking in my class while I am teaching is a serious act of indiscipline. You have Committed this act of indiscipline. So now you are given punishment to stand in back Of this class.” I said nothing and quietly went to the back of the class. I really enjoyed that Punishment because from back I easily looked what everyone was doing. After The period was over, I returned to my seat. Both Avantika and Nisha laughed at me. They said: “We feel so sorry for you. Actually we were talking but you were punished Because of us. This all happened because of your habit of unnecessarily Interrupting others. So Minal, please improve yourself. Then I replied, “I really enjoyed that punishment because of that punishment I got the Chance to look what everybody was doing.” So they asked with curiosity what all were Doing. I replied: “Some were busy in texting. Some were playing Tic-Tac-Teo, Dot to Dot, Bingo and Bollywood. Some were busy talking through chits. Some were looking at each other in Embarrassment of what is being taught. Some were just lost in their own thoughts. Some Were looking out of the window to enjoy the beautiful rainy weather of August and some Sincere students were seriously studying.” After listening to my great explanation both of them praised my explanation capability. I was Happy because they praised me. I am always hungry for praise and appreciation but Nobody praises and appreciates me that much.

(77) So likewise, September arrived. On 5 September teacher’s day in India is being celebrated. In our school teachers day is being celebrated by assigning the role of teachers to the students Of 12th standard. Our class teacher decides which student will become which teacher. So I was given the Role of Elena Mam and Nisha was given the role of Manisha Mam. Then our class teacher, told us about the dress code. Boys have to wear suits or shirts and Pants or Jeans and girls have to wear Sari or Salwar Suit. I was worried after listening to all this because I wear western dresses and I have only One Salwar suit, which too was forcibly purchased by my mom. So I decided that I will Wear that Salwar Suit. Then I discussed the whole idea with Nisha. She said that: “These types of events come once in a lifetime, so we should make it memorable by Wearing a Sari for the first time in our life.”

After listening to Nisha, I replied:

“Sari looks great but the problem is, I don’t know how to wear it and it will be difficult For me to carry myself in Sari.” Then Nisha replied: “Oh Minal, You start worrying before listening to the whole thing. Wearing a Sari is Not that much difficulty, you can come to my house and my mom will help you. Don’t Worry much. We’ll together handle this issue. Relax now.” So I agreed to Nisha’s idea. After arriving at home, I asked my mom that can I wear Sari on teacher’s day. My Mom refused to this idea. She said: “You are so fond of western dresses that now Indian dresses don’t not look good on you. Moreover you are slim; Sari looks good only on healthy persons. You will look cartoon In Sari. But this time, I was determined to convince my mom, so I asked again and again. This Irritated my mom and she permitted me to wear Sari with a condition that she will not Help me. Then I explained her: “Mom, please don’t worry. You don’t have to do anything, I will go to the Nisha ’ house and Her home will help me to dress up.” My mom agreed with this arrangement. Then she asked me to choose one Sari from her cupboard I choose a simple green Sari. My mom advised me to choose designer Sari but I am of the View that simplicity is power, so I chose a simple green Sari.

Then my mom gives me the blouse and the petticoat (inner garment to wear under sari). She Instructed, me to stitch off the blouse to make it on my size. So I stitched it off with just Thread and needle to make it off my size. I can’t stitch well, so I stitched badly. Then, I showed it to the mom. She said: “Oh God, Nothing can happen of this girl. She can’t stitch a blouse well. What will you Do after marriage.” Then she took the blouse from my hand and stitched off the blouse with the help of Sewing machine, while continually taunting me to learn all housework. Otherwise I will lead an unhappy life. But my mom knew all the housework. In spite of this She is not happy and satisfied. Then after five minutes she gave me the blouse. Then I arranged all the accessories which, I will wear with Sari. At evening, I called to Nisha telling him that I will come to her house at 6.15am with Sari and all accessories. She agreed with my plans. Then she asked me about The color of Sari. I told that its’ green. Then she advised me to bring Sari of Pink, Red, Blue or any mixture color except green. Then I replied: “Green is also beautiful color. See the color of beautiful trees all that is green. Green Is very good for eyes, so what’s the problem in wearing green Sari.” Then she replied: “There is no problem in wearing green Sari but we are young, so we should wear colors Like pink, red or blue. Green is for middle aged women, not for young girls.” Then I said: “What’s the matter with you. First you asked me to wear Sari, instead of Salwar Suit and Now you are telling me color too. Please Nisha, have something of my choice too.” Then she said: “Ok Minal, Relax. Bring green Sari; I have no problems with it. But please reach at Time. We shouldn’t be late tomorrow.” I became relived after her consent. I assured her that I will come on time. Don’t worry Much. Then she cut the call. That whole night, I wondered about how will I look in Sari, how I will carry it, how We’ll reach to school. I was very excited and tensed at the same moment. I was excited because I was wearing Sari for the first time and I was tensed because of the thought that how Will I carry myself in Sari. (78)

So I slept that night with worry and excitement. Next day, I waked up at 5 and then

Got ready for a visit to Nisha’s house. I packed up my bag and went to her house. In five minutes drive, I reached into her house. Her door was open, so I entered her Room. She was almost ready. She wore a beautiful pink designer Sari. Then I showed her My Sari. She gave a weird look at me and said: “Minal, what’s this. I am wearing a grand designer Sari and you my best friend will wear Such a simple Sari. This is not fair.”

Then I replied: “What’s the problem with this. I like simple clothes and we are celebrating teacher’s day so We should celebrate it in a simple manner.” Then she said: “Just listen to me for a while. I agree with your idea that it should be celebrated in a simple Manner but what’s the problem in wearing beautiful clothes. You will look very beautiful In designer Sari. Try it for one time and if you are not satisfied, then you can wear yours Own Sari.” Nisha has a good convincing power, she convinces so well that I can’t refuse to hear Request. So I agreed saying: “Ok, I will wear designer Sari but how I will arrange that Sari in too little time. We have To reach in school at 7 and it’s already 6.15. Then she said to me: “Relax. Don’t worry. Choose the designer Sari from my mother’s cupboard and I will Ask her to adjust the blouse for you too.” Then I choose a blue designer Sari. Nisha advised me to hurry up. So I quickly wore Blouse and petticoat. Then I started wearing Sari but I wasn’t able to arrange it. So she Called her mom and her mom helped me to wear Sari. She advised, both of us to use safety pins all over the Sari as without it, there is the Chance of falling of Sari. So we used safety pins all over our Sari. Then I wore silver colored round earring, Bracelets and Necklace. After wearing all These accessories, I applied Kajal to my eyes and Silver Lipstick on my lips. At last I Wore silver colored high heel Sandal. After I dressed up, I called Nisha. She looked at me and said: “Wow, Minal. You are looking so beautiful. Today you will be the star of our school.” I blushed up and said: “Nisha, you are also looking great. Together we’ll rock.” So we both come out of the room. Her mom looked at us and said: “Wow, you both are looking great. Wait a minute; I am bringing my digital camera to Click your pictures.” In a minute, she arrived with her camera. First, she took the picture of Nisha and Then of mine. After it, she took our group photo. Then she called her friend from Nearby house. She looked at us and said, “You both are looking like a doll.” We blushed Up at her comment. Then we looked at the watch. It was already 6.45, we became anxious. Then Nisha asked Me, if I can drive Activa wearing Sari. I said, I can’t because I have never driven Activa While wearing it. I can drive it only in Western dresses.

So she became worried about the fact that how will we reach school. She told The whole thing to her mother. Her mother said: “Don’t worry. Your father will drop both of you.” So she called her father. Then her father said, how through the motorbike he will Drop both of us. Then we both said, we’ll sit one sided. It will not be a big problem and in Morning there is no police on the road and from here the school is only one km away. Then her father agreed to the whole idea. He dropped both of us at the school gate. We Entered in the school at 6.58am. The other students who were also teachers were looking at us in Surprise. We were looking at them in surprise and in return they were looking like that. Everybody was looking great. Almost all girls wore a designer sari like us. Some of them wore bangles Too. It feels like, I am in a marriage party. Boys were also looking great. Some of them were looking too cool and dashing. Nobody Of them were in pants, all of them wore Jeans. All boys consider pant as out of fashion Item. At 7:03 am, school assembly gathered. We were given the roses and a greeting card Which we have to present to our respective teacher (the role of teacher which we Were playing) and meanwhile, we have to stand in backstage and we will be called by Our name to greet teachers.

So we all went to the backstage. The prayer, pledge and national anthem lasted for about Twenty minutes. Then they began calling the name of students and their respective teachers One by one on the stage. So likewise, Students were going and coming in this manner. After half an hour, my name was called. I quickly rushed while caring for my Sari. I was having difficulty with Sari, but somehow I managed. Then, I reached at the Stage and presented the rose and greeting card to Elena Mam. She became very happy, I Touched her feet and she blessed me. I smiled at her and then returned back at the backstage. I was very excited with the fact that Elena Mam blessed me. That teacher, which at one time Scolded me too much is now blessing me. What a great miracle of time! Then I returned to the backstage. I told to Nisha about the whole thing, she became Very happy for me. She said: “Minal, you always worry recklessly. Stop this habit and you will experience a sudden Transformation.” I nodded my head in agreement. But in my heart I knew, that I will never stop worrying Because it’s too natural. I can’t stop it.Then, after all these greetings and blessings we were instructed to go to our respective Classes to teach our students. They told us that from time to time, real teachers will come and inspect our teachings. As today is a half day so when the school will over, the prize distribution ceremony will be held in which the best role model teacher will be Distributed a prize We all became excited after listening to this announcement. Every one of us wanted to be Best. I resolved to win that prize, but deep in my heart I knew that like all other resolutions

This too will fail. But I denied this feeling and proceeded to my respective class. I have to teach for 3 period’s in VIB, VIIA AND VIIIC. So first, I went to VIB. The Students of VIB became very excited after seeing me. In our school every year on Teacher’s day, the students of junior class play an autographs game. They take the autographs Of all students who become teachers, then the one who takes the most autographs is The winner of his/her class. So, they all became mad to take my autographs. Almost 10 to 12 students gathered around Me with their autographs dairy. I feel too special. In my excitement, I said: “Why are you all taking my autographs. I am not a heroin.” Then they replied in a flattering tone: “So what Didi, you are so beautiful. You look like Katrina Kaif. It you try, then you can Become a great heroine.” I blushed after listening to all this and continued giving autographs to them. Then suddenly, One of the real teacher arrived. She said: “What all is happening here. You are here to teach them for one day and look what you Are doing. Please, stop giving them your autographs and concentrate on teaching and If you are not at all interested in teaching, then at least keep them disciplined.” Then I said “Sorry” and started teaching to students. After five minutes, she went out of the class. Then I wondered why she came at such a wrong time. I was enjoying autographs game too much And she drained all my enjoyment. It was such a great fun. Anyway, I continued to teach. That period went for about half an hour. After this, the next period was free. So I was Just roaming around the school, looking at the way other students were teaching. In between I was giving autographs to the juniors which were coming in my way. So like this, I went to the Nisha’s class. She was teaching like a proper teacher through Blackboard. I entered her class and whispered slightly in her ear: “Wow, Nisha. It’s great. You are looking a real teacher. Anyway continue, continue, I am So proud of you.” Then she laughed and said: “I am only fulfilling my responsibility and that’s all. I am really enjoying this and hope That you too are enjoying. Then I replied: “I am enjoying autographs game more than the teaching. By giving autographs I am feeling Like a superstar.” Then, I looked at the watch it was only five minutes left for the winding up of this Period, so I rushed to VII A. In this class, I spent my whole time in autographs game and Talking to students .Thanks to god, no real teacher came this time. So like this, next period arrived. I quickly went to the VIII C, The real teacher was Already present there so she said to me, look you are already five minutes late. Then I said “Sorry”, I was just coming.”

Then she replied: “This school celebrates a teacher’s day in this manner, so as to instill responsibility in senior Students. So all you must have to cooperate otherwise, what’s the use of celebrating it In this manner. I nodded my head in agreement and then started teaching them. Likewise, this period spent In teaching and with this period, the half day got over. So we were all called to the ground To attend prize distribution ceremony. I went there with Nisha. Only Mishra Sir was present there and he asked all of us to take Refreshments. So we went for refreshments. They were serving Chole Tikii my favorite. They instructed us to make line, so we formed a line. After taking refreshments in our plates, I returned to my seat with Nisha. The meal was Too tasty. I really enjoyed the meal. We finished the meal in about 15 minutes, then we Drank the water and returned to our seats. After half an hour, all teachers arrived. They blessed all of us to have a successful life Ahead. Then they, announced the name of the best role model teacher. She was Priya. I again become envious of Priya. Why she always wins and I always lose. I am just a loser And nothing else. If I can’t win a small prize, then how will I win the game of life. I always want to be a winner but fate always leaves me as a loser. Why it happens all the Time with only me .I don’t understand why god has never favored me. Maybe because of this old saying: “God helps those, who help themselves.” (79) So likewise, 12th standard was going like this. One day Yukti, her gang and some boys Together were playing TDS (Truth, Dare and Situation). TDS is a very tricky game. In this game, a student moves a pen in round shape when the Pen stops, the direction of the front end of the pen is marked. Then the student sited in that Direction is asked to choose between Truth, Dare and Situation. If the student chooses Truth, then he/she is asked a question which they have to answer Truthfully. If he/she don’t answer that question truthfully then he/she is punished. The Punishment is not harsh. It’s a simple variation from singing, dancing, standing on the bench Or writing his/her full name on whole blackboard.

If the student chooses Dare, then he/she have to complete a daring task. If he/she fails in Completing that task, then he/she is punished in the same manner as in the case of truth.

If the student chooses Situation then he/she is given a Situation. Then the response of The student in that particular Situation is asked on the basis of his/her answer he/she is Judged as brave or coward by other students. So like this, Vijay was asked to choose between these three choices. He chooses Dare. So Yukti give him the task to say to Nisha:

“Your new hairstyle is very good. I really, really, really love it.” After listening to this, he blushed and then came near our seat and said the same thing to Nisha. She said nothing but gives a weird look on Vijay. Vijay became little afraid and Then returned to his seat. Then after five minutes, Sameer was asked to choose between TDS. He also chooses Dare. He was given the task to say to me: “Minal, why you always smile. You look very good while smiling.” So Sameer also came near to my seat and said the same thing. I said nothing but looked in his eyes innocently. He was also looking innocent. Then he returned to his seat. I wondered what is this all happening is it a joke or a real thing. Whatever the thing was, One thing is clear Yukti and her gang is jealous of our beautiful looks. So it was their way Of taunting us. But she can’t make us feel bad because we don’t care what all she do’s and Say’s. Then, I asked Nisha to come with me. We both went out in the school garden. The The weather in October was too lovely. I wanted to enjoy the whole weather but my mind was Preoccupied with the thoughts of misdeeds of Yukti and her gang. That’s the main problem with me. I want to enjoy the present moment as it is but I always Get preoccupied with thoughts. If the thoughts are of present moment then it’s ok. But The main problem is, I am always concerned about the gone past and the unknown future. Then, we went to a bench and sat there. We started discussing about Yukti and her gang. There were many questions in our mind that why we were the target. Is that all a joke or A serious comment on our looks. It confused both of us. (80) So likewise, 12th standard was going like that with all ups and downs. In 12th standard, My position is not as strong as that of 11th standard. Now, Yukti with the help of the Best coaching institute of Jaipur is the most intelligent girl of our class and next to her is Sameer. Both of them went to a same coaching institute. I am very much envious of Yukti because now she has taken the position of mine. Actually, The fact is Yukti haven’t taken my position, I have loosed it myself due to my laziness. Everyday I think that from tomorrow, I will study properly. But that tomorrow haven’t Came till now. I am very frustrated with myself. I torture myself for being so lazy. Daily, I prepare a new time table passionately with the hope that now my studies will Improve through it. I am really very good at planning. I can plan anything but when it’s Time to take action I just fuss. I am very very, very, very lazy. Sometimes my mom taunts Me like that: “When 100 lazy people had died then you were born.”

I never understand the logic behind this dialogue. My parents taunt me in very humorous Manner because of this , I don’t take them seriously. If I would have taken them seriously, then I Would have committed suicide till now. Moreover I don’t want to die now. I want to enjoy the Beautiful life ahead. 12th standard is the board and the last class of whole school life. We have to be serious In this class as the percentage of this class decides our college and which furthermore Decides our job. So, we are expected to very serious in this class. But I am not that much serious. Although I am scoring average, thanks to my good study in 11th standard. (81) Like this, January arrived. Our Accountancy teacher, told us the whole structure of the Accountancy exam held in Board exams. He told that final paper of board exam is about 80 Marks. The remaining 20 marks are internal as these marks will be sent by our school too The board authorities. For, these 20 marks we have to give an internal written exam of 10 marks and then a VIVA of 5 marks and in addition to all this we have to submit an Accountancy project file To the VIVA teacher which will be external (from another school) who will ask Us questions from our project file. Preparing this project file require a tremendous amount of hard work. First, we have to choose A question in which a new business is commenced. Then we have to prepare the annual Accounts of the financial transactions of that business.

We have to start from preparing Journal than we have to prepare Ledger then Trial Balance

Then Trading and Profit and Loss Account than Balance Sheet then Cash Flow Statement And at last Accounting Ratios. If any one start to seriously prepare this project file then it will take time of about five days. Our teacher gave the time of ten days. After 10 days, he will check our file and Correct our mistakes so that we can present error free file before the external. After listening To all this I became worried. I asked Nisha how we’ll do it. She said that, this project can Be copied through any reference book of Accountancy of Class 12th. I liked her idea. It will save us from unnecessary trouble. Then our next period was free So we went to the library in search of a reference book. I choose the reference book of P.K Gupta and she chooses that of R.K Goyal.Then we went to the librarian and got our books issued. After this we felt relieved. So after returning to home, I copied the project from that book. I felt proud of my Smartness. Just in 2 days I finished copying the whole project. At last, the author has included the note that these questions are given only for sample Purpose which will assist students in preparing their actual projects. So student shouldn’t copy it as It is, otherwise it will create unnecessary trouble for them. I just ignored that note.

After 10 days I showed my project to the teacher. He couldn’t grasp that this is a copied Project. As my project was copied from a book so it contained no mistake. My teacher Praised me for preparing error free project. Then our teacher informed that, internal exam will be held after six days. In first half an hour, a Written test of 10 marks will be held and then after one hour VIVA exam will be held. I was worried about exams because I haven’t prepared anything for it. I was very much Worried About VIVA as I have heard that these external teaches asks Tough questions and sometimes they insult students for their incompetence. As I am incompetent, so I was afraid. But time never stops for my worries. If I will worry then also time will pass and If I will not worry then also time will pass. (82) So time passed like that and the day of the internal exam arrived. My half an hour test went Well. After that, we all went to our class to study for VIVA. So one hour spent like This on preparing for VIVA. Then we were informed that the external has arrived. He is sitting in XIIC. Students have to Go there Roll No wise. At a time two students will go together. For example: - Roll 1and 2 will go together, then 3 and 4, then 5 and 6 and likewise other Students will go. So we were all instructed to sit in this manner so as to avoid confusion.

My Roll No. Was 20, so I sited with Roll No.19. Then we both exchanged our file just To have a look on it. We found that we have prepared the same project, we both have copied The same question from the same book. We both were shocked. What will happen now? The main problem is that our Roll No’s Are together, so there are full chances of being caught. If our Roll No’s weren’t together Then, we wouldn’t have been caught. But this is not the case now. We both became very anxious. Then we decided that we must go to our Accountancy Teacher for help. So we went to him. He said: “Don’t worry much. I will tell the external that you both are very poor in studies, so I Advised you to copy from that book.” After listening to Sir’s assurance we feel relieved. Then after, fifteen minutes our Roll No was called, our teacher was already present there. After we arrived, Sir whispered Something in external ears. Because of that, external sent us back to our class with an Assurance that he will give us full out of full marks. We both became very happy after returning to our class. My internal exam went so well And I am hopeful that like this my Board exam will go well . (83) So like this board exam arrived. I was in the same situation as with the internal exam. I Daily resolved that from tomorrow I will study well but that tomorrow never came. I just

Studied in a haphazard manner. My, first exam was that of Accountancy. The system of conducting board exam was same In both 10th and 12th standard. But in 12th standard my exam winded up early, by about 24th march I was free. My best exam was of Business Studies as Business Studies is totally theory subject and Right from the beginning, I am very good in theory. My Accountancy, Economics, Hindi and English exams went average. I again hope to score around 73%. (84) Now my school life is all over and with it all kinds of securities are lost. I just wondered what I Will study next. I knew very well that now a day’s only college degree is not enough. In addition To college degree we should also have a professional degree. So I discussed this whole issue with Nisha. We have reached to the conclusion that For commerce students only Chartered Accountant (CA) and Company Secretary (CS) is The best option. Either we can do both of these courses or pursue one of them. Although there are other options like that of ICWA, CMA, but in Jaipur most of the students Choose between CA and CS. I choose CA because I have heard that they earn lots of Money. I also want to be rich. I want to live a life full of abundance, wealth and prosperity. So for that I choose CA. After a day, I told my parents about my decision. They also agreed with my idea. Then, I went to CA Institute for enrolling in this course. I took the Registration Form from reception. Then I read a brochure which was attached With that registration form. That brochure explained about all the levels of CA course. The CA course takes about four years, if we Clear all the exams in first attempt. The structure is like that, first we have to give CPT (Common Proficiency Test). This Is a competitive test with negative marking. We have to score 100 out of 200 marks to Clear this exam.

Then, after CPT we have to give IPCC (Integrated Professional Competency Course). IPCC exam is held in two groups. This is a subjective exam. To pass this exam, the student Have to score 40 marks in each subject and overall 50% to clear a group. After IPCC student has to work as article assistant with a practicing CA for about three Years. Then, after article ship they are eligible to appear for CA final exams which are Held in the same pattern as that of the IPCC. After reading whole brochure, I became little afraid. I wasn’t sure if I could do such A tough course. Some of my friends say that Indian CA course is the most toughest Course of whole world. Anyway I denied all my feelings and went to the home. Then, I showed the form to my parents. I filled all the form in front of them because

They are never sure of my abilities. So they instructed me to fill that form in front of them. In addition to this, I told them that for all levels of CA course we have to register separately And this form is to register for CPT. The registration fees for CPT is Rs.6000 which is to Be submitted in the form of Demand Draft and this Demand Draft has to be attached to Registration form. So my father said: “You fill all the contents of this form. Tomorrow I will go to the bank and got prepare the Demand Draft. After it I will submit your form.” I nodded my head in agreement. Then I began to read the CPT course prospectus. For CPT, we have to study four subject Accountancy, Mercantile Law, Quantitative Aptitude and Economics. The CPT exam is held twice in a year. Once in a June and another one in December. So If I have to give June attempt, then I have to register before 31st March. Today is 26th March and tomorrow papa will submit my form. So thanks to god, I am not that late. This exam is a competitive exam as the questions are of objective type. This whole Exam is of 200 marks. This exam will be held in two sessions. In the first session, there will Be paper of Accountancy which is of 60 marks and Mercantile law which is of 40 marks. In Second session, there will be paper of Economics and Quantitative Aptitude both are about 50 Marks. Next day, papa submitted my form. After, he returned from the office he asked to me about my Plan to study. His question was simple, whether I want coaching or I will do self study. I opted for coaching because this is my first competitive exam and I don’t realty know how To study for that. My father also agreed with my idea and said: “I knew that you will need coaching because you are not that much intelligent to study for Competitive exam on our own.” This time, I fully agree with papa’s comment because I knew I can’t study such a tough Course on my own. I need help and coaching is the best way to get help. (85) So, I enrolled in M.K Verma Classes to study for a CPT course on 1st April. There were About 40 students in our class. I wondered, how will they give personal attention to My problems because of too much strength. But now what can be done. I have already paid the fee. If I would tell my parents about it Then they will only say: “Why haven’t you thought about such things before.” But how will I think about such things before. I am not an astrologer who can accurately Predict future. I am just a confused and a useless girl. (86)

The first period in this coaching is of Quantitative Aptitude. Ravi Sir teaches us Quantitative Aptitude. He told us that Quantitative Aptitude is nothing but the mixture of both Math and Statistics. He also told that from this attempt Institute is planning to make it compulsory for All the students’ to score at least 30% in each subject. I was afraid of this very thought. I can perfectly score 30% in all subjects but in Quantitative Aptitude it’s next to the impossible. I took the glance of the book and found that I can’t study it. It’s too hard. Anyway, I continued to hear him. Ravi Sir is very humorous. He had the metaphors for all levels of CA course. It’s like that: CPT- I am very much attracted towards it, now I can’t really, really wait IPCC- Switch on the light of the brain Final- Not again (87)

But in addition to all this, he sometimes becomes very strict. One day he asked us all the Formulas. I don’t study Quantitative Aptitude at home, so I wasn’t able to answer it. Then, He scolded me too much. He said: “If you will not learn these formulas then you will never become Chartered Accountant.” So, like this the date of filling of CPT exam form arrived. I clearly read the exam form Prospectus. There was nothing mentioned about scoring 30% in all subjects. It only stated That student has to score aggregate 100 marks. I feel relieved after reading this. I was lucky enough. So from, that day I stopped studying Quantitative Aptitude both in class and at home. Although I attended Quantitative Aptitude Class just for the sake of decency, but I didn’t study it in reality. I only pretend to study. (88) In, every 15 days our coaching Institute held a test of 100 marks. In this test, topics Covered till pervious days are asked. The pattern is same as almost of CPT except that Everything is half as in this exam is held only of one session. When the copies of our first paper were checked, our economics teacher asked all the students to Stand one by one and tell their marks of Economics. I scored 24 out of 25 marks in Economics. After, seven minutes my chance came. I stand up and said 24. Then sir asked why, I lose one mark. I was satisfied with my marks so I didn’t Researched about the fact that why I have lost one mark. So I said nothing. In my silence, Sir said: “Come on Minal, speak up. Why are you silent. Tell me why you have lost one mark. Don’t be too afraid. I will solve your all problems so that till the next exam you will be able to Score full. But for this, you have to tell me about your problem.” But I was also determined to remain silent. So I said nothing for about two to three Minutes. This irritated the Sir and he said: “Nothing good will ever happen to this girl.”

I don’t understand why people tell me such things. My mom says the same thing now, Sir too. Is whatever they say is true or because I am unable to meet their great expectations they say Me like this. I don’t know the right answer. All this will suck me one day. I am again Confused. So likewise, my coaching was going with all ups and downs. I am very bored of my life. No fun, no adventure. What a f*** my life is. I want to f*** of my life. But I can’t Do anything about it. (89) Then, at 20th May our 12th result was announced. Every student was too excited about it. So the result day turned into a holiday. I again scored 73%.

Next day, all the students arrived at coaching. Some were very happy, some were very

Sad and some were just neutral. The breaking news of that whole day was the result. Every Teacher has asked about our results. The students of our class are really genius. Most of them have scored above 85%. About 3 students have scored 100 out of 100 marks in 12th Math. After listening to Their marks, I felt little depressed. I teased myself with the fact, that I am nowhere in comparison to them, I always score 73% and Aspire to become a CA. It’s next to impossible. I should dump up my dream of becoming CA. But I denied all these feelings and continued in this course. (90) Then, the June arrived and with June, the Peak study season for CPT has arrived. Our exam Is scheduled to be held on 20th June. The course in our coaching is complete so they have Winded up all the classes. Now we can only ask our problems over the phone. So, now I am studying at home. I get bored studying at home because now my mom don’t Even allow me to go at the terrace to refresh my mind. So, I don’t study for exams, I only Pretend to study before parents. (91) So like this, 20th June arrived. My CPT exam went average but I hope to pass. After the

Winding up of CPT exams, I suddenly remembered that I also have to take Admission in a college. In the busyness of CPT course, I have forgotten about the college. So, I told my parents about this. My parents said that: “Take admission in the Sharma Girls College. It’s very good college for girls. We have also read Its advertisement in the newspaper in which it was written that they conduct special courses for CA student in which they give a Bachelors degree in Commerce but they teach the subjects Of CA course. It will prove a double benefit for you as you will not have to join coaching

And in addition to this you will not miss your college life.” I nodded my head in agreement because I was left with no other choice. If my parents, Have asked me to get admission in this college then I have to take admission in this College only. My choice never matters. (92) The CPT result generally, comes in exactly one month. So on 20th July, the results were Announced. I scored 108 marks out of 200 marks. Thank god, I got passed. My parents were Very happy for me. They bought sweets and Samosa to celebrate my first success. I really love all spicy foods. I love Chole Tikki, Dosa, Chaumein, Pyyaz Ki Kachori, Samosa and Pav Bhaji. But I don’t like sweets because they contain so much ‘Ghee’. I only like “Kaju Katli” and “Rasgulla”. These are my favorite sweets. (93) So from, 22nd July my college started. My college doesn’t belong to Rajasthan University. It’s a deemed University. So in this college, Semester exams are being held and in Adding to all this, the Continuous Assessment test is being held in between Semesters. I again became depressed after listening to all this. I was worried that now my four In five years will be spent on only giving exams. How boring it is. And after that I have To do the job, then marriage, then kids and then I will be old in growing them. Oh no, When will I enjoy my own life. I always dreamed in school, that when I will come in college then I will enjoy. But now The prospect is not looking gloomy. Now my life is becoming more and more boring. School was far better than college because at least school was co-education. We Can do time pass there by looking at boys because boys are little funny. So it all becomes Interesting. But now this is Girls College and the girls are not that funny. So there is no chance of little Enjoyment. In addition to all this, everyday here feels like a picnic day. Here girls wear Very stylish clothes and always are in a picnic mood. But I don’t wear stylish clothes; I always prefer simple clothes, so I am little jealous of Their clothes. But what can I do. I am a mere spectator and a confused girl. (94) So, like this August arrived. On 1st August, I got registered for IPCC course in the Same manner as that of CPT. We were told that in I and II semester we will be taught subjects of the IPCC and then from III TO VI semester we have to study subjects of the final course.

After listening to this many questions came in my mind. I wondered what if, I won’t be Able to pass IPCC in first attempt. The course of the IPCC is very lengthy. We have to study Seven subjects and all that in just nine months. We have to appear for IPCC exams in Next May and I haven’t started preparing for it. In my class, there are about 30 girls. About 10 girls haven’t cleared CPT till now. They Are all worried because they haven’t cleared CPT and they have to study next level course In their college. How a cruel joke it is. But what can be done? They have discussed their problems with our HOD (Head of Department) but she is also confused. This class is full of confused girls like me. Now in Their company my confusion is only increasing (95) Our course is special one in this college because for every course it is compulsory to Choose an extra-curricular activity and an add on course for only first year. But for our Class there is no such compulsion. We are free. In addition to this, we are not taught by Teachers of our own college. Our teachers came from outside college. They generally are CA’s and teach at coaching institutes. Pavini Mam teaches us Accountancy and Advance Accountancy. She is really very fast. She Speaks too fast that I can’t really understand what all she says. Her teaching style is very simple from every chapter she chooses a biggest question from Reference books. She herself don’t solve these questions. She guides us to solve them. I have Never solved these questions. I don’t understand what all she teaches. I just try to solve but But never reach at the answer. Rekha Mam teaches us Law, Ethics and Communication. The problem with her is she is too Sweet. She speaks very slowly from sitting in the chair. Her class is really a sleeping Dose. A cure for insomnia. Our whole class has problems with her. So all of us wrote a letter to HOD for her Removal. Then our HOD came in our class, she asked us what our problems are. We told Her everything, then she assured us that she will talk to Rekha Mam about this issue. But in the next class, Rekha Mam’s attitude was same as before. She hasn’t changed a Bit. This annoyed all the students and they again complained to HOD. Then after a week Our teacher was changed. Now, Rishi Sir teaches us Law, Ethics and Communication. He is really very good at Teaching theory. He teaches us in a humorous style. He gives us live examples so as to Make our concepts clear. In addition to all this, he gives us simple notes to quickly learn Everything for examination. R.K Sharma Sir teaches us Cost Accounting. His teaching style is great. On the very first Day, he asked us to purchase exam scanner. He told us that to pass CA examination, Solving past year exam question is enough and that are all easily available in the scanner. So he Just explains us these questions.

I have also problem with R.K Sharma Sir because he began with tough questions. My study is Like that I start with easy questions and then I do tough questions. But Sir assumes that we know the basics very well, so no need to teach it. Just teach them scanner and that’s more than enough. Anurag Sir teaches us Taxation. He is the husband of Porvi Mam. They are both CA’s. Their teaching style is same and with it my problem with them is same. Most of the students of our class have lost hope to clear IPCC through college studies. So They have joined the coaching institutes. I am not in a favor of joining any coaching Because of the fact that I am very lazy and I just can’t manage two things at one time and The last and most important reason is that, I am always confused. (96) So the August went in this despair. In September, our internal exams of 15 marks arrived. I just mange to pass in these exams. In the last week of September, “Thank You Party” in college was organized. This party is too Exciting. The dress code for Freshers is gowns or mini skirt and sleeveless top and that of Seniors are Sari or Salwar Suit. I was worried after listening at the dress code because my mom considers these dresses As vulgar, so she will never allow me to wear such kind of clothes. My mom never allows Me to wear any sleeveless top at home too. So I was depressed by the fact that I will Be embarrassed in front of all girls if I will not follow this dress code. So I decided that I will Not attend that party. Next day, when I reached to college, Sonaakshi asked why I didn’t attend the thank you Party. She is now my good friend, so I told her the whole thing.

Then she replied: “Oh Minal, You are so stupid. I also haven’t followed that dress code and there were many Other girls who haven’t followed that dress code. At this college, no girl looks at another. They are busy in grooming their own looks. Most of the girls weren’t looking at the function, They were busy in clicking their own pictures for their Facebook page. You should have been There. The meal was too tasty. We all enjoyed too much. You have missed such a Fabulous event.” After listening to her grand description, I felt bad. I have missed such a grand event just Because of my stupid confusions. I am so confused. All this will suck me one day. So like this, my first semester was going with all ups and downs, stupid confusions and All problems. Time never stops for my stupid confusions; it passes with its own speed. (97) So, my 18th birthday arrived in October. As it was my 18th birthday, so my father gives me Rs.500 to give party to all my friends. I am always confused so I get confused in this matter Too.

I give half of my friend’s party in college canteen and half of them outside the college.

Because of my such kind of attitude those friends to whom I have given party in college got Angry with me. They simply said this is not fair. I also knew that this is not fair. But at that time I was left with no other choice because these half girls whom I gave a party Outside was not there on time when I was giving party inside and the inside girls were Continuously demanding the party. I tired to explain the whole situation to them but they Didn’t’ listened and remarked that you must have called them. But how would I call them. I didn’t have a cell phone till now because my parents believe that it will spoil me but they Don’t know I will spoil that cell phone with my negativity. (98) So like this, November arrived and with it semester end exam arrived. I again just Manage to pass because I don’t understand anything. From, 15th of December the class of II semester began to be held. The classes continued For one week in which only two students arrived because all the students of our class decided To arrive from January. In between they will all enjoy the cool winter of this hot country. (99) From January the classes of second semester began. Both teachers and subjects are Changed now. Now, Mohit Sir teaches us Accountancy and Taxation. He has given CA final attempt This November. So in this waiting time for results he is teaching in our college. He teaches well but now the main problem is, I don’t really feel like studying. There Is too much course and too little time left. In addition to all this, CA course is very boring Like me. Now I understand why I choose this course. I choose this course because I am Very boring, so boringness attracts boringness. I am trapped in this course. This course is Sucking all my blood. (100) Sometimes I feel like, I should leave this course. But our teachers motivate us to remain By telling some heroic stories. Mohit Sir told us that one person in Indore, have given The 20 attempts of CA final exams and now he is the owner of the best CA coaching Institute of India. Porvi Mam teaches us Strategic Management. She teaches us through the laptop. I am used To blackboard teaching so I didn’t feel like I am learning. But I was learning much better Through laptop. She has given us the assignment to prepare a SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunities and Threats) analysis of a company and yourself too. It further worried me because I can’t Prepare my own SWOT analysis and it is also not available on Google. It has to be done By only myself and I am very lazy. So I searched on Google the SWOT Analysis of a company. I downloaded that of Reebok. Now it came the chance to prepare my own SWOT Analysis. But the problem is, I knew

Only about my weakness and threats, the strengths and opportunities are never the part of My character. So how will I prepare my own SWOT Analysis. I discussed the whole thing with Sonaakshi. She said: “Minal, you are completely mad. It’s impossible that you don’t have any strength. Everybody has some strength. Just analyze yourself and find our own.” I replied: “Yes, everybody has one strength or another. But the thing is I am not that everybody. I am just A burden on this earth.” Then she said: “Don’t talk like this. This assignment is only for five marks, so just for five marks you Are making yourself down. I have a better idea than this, you just don’t submit your Assignment.” I agreed with her idea and in addition to this, I decided to take a holiday on assignment Submission date. I did exactly like that and nothing happen, everything went normal. (101) Monisha Mam, teaches us Information Technology. She just dictates the notes and we Copy it. I thought why she wastes so much time on dictating notes .Why don’t she just Give us the photocopy of that notes and we can study it on our own. But what? Nobody listens to my idea and off course who will listen to the ideas of a confused And a useless girl.

Likewise studies were going like that in its peak boringness. I don’t really feel like studying

Anymore. Sometimes, I just want to leave everything and go to the Himalayas in search of peace like Wise ancient sages of India. I really, really, really love nature. I love lush green forests, transparent river, flying Birds, snow covered mountains, melting glaciers, vast ocean, playful dolphins, giant blue Whale, seven color rainbow, cute penguins, flower valley, orange sky of evening, heavy Black cloud before rain, lovely cool breeze of summer, shiny moon and twinkling stars. (102) So in this despair, February arrived and with February spring and internal exams arrived. I really love spring. In Spring flowers are in full blossom and the weather is too lovely nor So hot or not so cool. It’s just fine. In spring, I want to dance like a heroine in green fields. But I can’t do it because I am not a heroine and I live in a city. There are no fields around my house where I can dance. I love spring too much but I don’t love exams. Now, I hate giving exams. But what? Giving exam is compulsion in India. I have to give it anyway.

So, I appeared in the internal exams in huge despair. I didn’t score well in exams.

I just managed to pass.

(103) After, internal exams, I filled the exam form of IPCC too. It is scheduled to be held in May. After filling form, I started feeling anxious because I haven’t prepared anything for it. In College exams, I always just manage to pass so how the heck I will clear IPCC. I have heard many rumors about IPCC exam which if taken seriously is enough to Depress students. I take these things seriously because I am not that much strong to let go Of all my fears and worries. I have also decided that I will take holidays from college till IPCC exam. So after Internal exam I didn’t go to the college. (104) In March “Holy”, the festival of colors arrived. Everybody, in my neighborhood was playing Holi. Adults were spreading Gulal (Natural color which is made up of dry flowers) on each Other. Youth was dancing on playful Holi songs. Children were throwing water balloons Over each other. It was all so wonderful. But in my home Holi is not celebrated because according to my parents, Holi is an uncivilized Festival and if celebrated in our house will impure our house. What kind of logic is this. Holi is too playful. I want to play Holi but my parents say that Your exams are in May, so it’s better for you to study in Holi. But how can any one Study in such a playful environment. In such festivals, I can only pretend to study because My mind wanders to the joyous environment of outside. (105) So, like this Holi festival went. Now again everything is so quiet and I am doing the same Mistake in my IPCC studies as I have done in 12th standard. I daily prepare new time table And think that from tomorrow, I will study seriously. But my tomorrow haven’t came Till now. I am at the same place as was on the first day of enrolling in this course. So, like this March and April went into wait of perfect tomorrow. But that perfect Tomorrow never came but the May arrived. I left all the hope of passing in IPCC exams. I was daam sure that, I will not pass and my wish came true. In August, result Arrived and I was failed. To my great surprise, this time my parents didn’t scold me. They said: “It’s ok. This exam was very tough. Only about 35% students passed, so don’t feel Inferior. Prepare hard for the next attempt.” I felt relieved after listening to all this. But I was depressed too. I felt like I am nothing. I am so inferior that I don’t deserve anything. I am just a coward, depressed, inferior, Useless and a confused girl. I felt that there is an inner fire in me which is ready to burst out. But I don’t allow it to Came out, just because I am afraid of it. Deep in my heart, I knew that if I really try them, Nothing can stop me from becoming a successful and a perfect girl.

But how it will happen. At present, I am just a loser, which deserves nothing. I have all the Weakness of whole world. I don’t have any talent. I can’t contribute to anything worthwhile. I am always confused. (106)

The next day I woke up with the intention, that now I will discover myself. This time it

Was an intention not a resolution because resolution never works for me. That whole day I was thinking about, how to begin with discovering myself. I Realized that to discover myself, I should begin by removing all my weakness because These weaknesses are stopping me to discover myself. So that whole day, I was thinking about all my weakness. While studying in night, I Realized that my biggest weakness is lack of concentration. I am studying now and thinking About my weakness. Not only that my mind, always wonder about the worst case scenario. I am studying now, so my whole focus should be on studies but it’s not like that, I am just Wondering. After realizing this, I closed my book and decided that from tomorrow I will find Ways to concentrate effectively. That night, I slept with the hope in my heart and a smile On my face. The next day I woke up with the intention that in August, I will improve my ability to Concentrate. So after arriving from college, I searched about how to concentrate from Google. There were many techniques like looking at natural objects continuously for about five Minutes, playing concentration games on the Internet, filling Sudoku of newspapers and at last And most effective is mediation. So, I started with filling Sudoku of newspapers. As I was filling it for the first time, so it Took about two hours to fill it. But after two weeks, a miracle happened and I was able to fill Sudoku in only 15 minutes. I was very happy and satisfied with my first victory. Then, after one week I thought about meditating. I have heard many things About mediation like it relaxes mind and body, improves concentration power, helps To enjoy the present moment as it is and it helps to gain peace of mind. I searched about how to mediate because I don’t know how to do it. Although, in India many so called “Gurus” give some “Mantra” and you have to repeat it with Closed eyes. But I don’t really trust this method. I just want a genuine and right of Method of mediating which works for me. Then, I read various articles on the Internet about how to meditate. There are numerous Methods to mediate. But I liked the one which I read at Trans4mind.com. It’s simple, Sit on a chair in a relaxed position and simply just watch your thoughts without passing any Judgment over them. So in the evening I tried this method. Instead of sitting on a chair I place a mat on the floor In my room, then I sit with my back straight in lotus position. I really liked sitting in

Lotus position because it all reminds me of wise ancient sages of India. Then, after a minute I closed my eyes giving myself intention to just watch thoughts Without passing any judgment. So I closed my eyes, for five minutes and began to watch My thoughts and these thoughts were disappearing. But after five minutes, I just couldn’t Watch them, I was really falling asleep. So I just stood up and assured myself that it will Take time and with practice, I will be able to do it effectively. For, a month I tried it my attention span was only five minutes. I was becoming Disappointed, so I decided that I will practice, this mediation in day to day tasks. So, during The whole day whenever my thoughts began to disturb me, I began watching them and it Worked. Now while mediating I can concentrate for thirty minutes. These, thirty Minutes are the most peaceful moments of my whole day. By meditating, slowly slowly I began to build up my confidence level. I assured myself If I can meditate well then I can do anything in life which, I really, really, really want. (107) So, after a week I searched about “How to be Successful”. The first search result leads me to The site succesconscious.com. In this site, I learned about affirmations and inner resistance. My inner resistance has been already strong, so I didn’t concentrate on it that much. But I was Really interested in affirmations. So, in my internal exams, I used affirmations. Before writing for an exam I said to myself, “I knew everything in this paper.” And it worked. I scored well in those exams. In addition To this while studying for IPCC I said to myself that “I will truly understand whatever This subject will teach me.” So, like this my life was going smoothly. I am hopeful from my heart, that now my Life has taken a right direction. Now, I am not that confused and useless girl anymore. Confused Minal was my past and Confident Minal is my future and I am really moving Towards it. (108) So one day, while reading an article on successconscious.com I knew about the blog of Brian Kim. I visited that blog. I really liked the tagline of that blog, “Invest in yourself And make it happen.” It’s very true investing in financial instruments gives only financial Gain but investing in oneself gives us physical, mental, and spiritual gain. It really helps Us to discover our real self. The first article which, I read on that site was, “How to believe that you can do Anything”. Through this article, I understood the power of writing downs our beliefs And our very much desired dreams and goals. I really liked the line “Continuous The hammering of a nail will inevitably drive it in.” After, reading this article, I felt too good. I decided that from now on, I will write my Goals everyday. After deciding all this, I singed for the free newsletter on that site. It

Offers MITs, Access to brand new articles and a free e-course on the power of the mind. Now, I daily read MITs and article on this site. After reading his articles, I learned about How to truly live great life. Now, I want to read his book “The Hidden Secret Behind Think and Grow Rich”. It costs about 19.95$. But the thing is I don’t have my own Bank Account. I can’t ask my parents for it because I knew their reply. They will only say that all this is a sheer wastage of time and money And one more thing is that, they don’t know that I am undergoing self-discovery. I Haven’t told them about this fact, because they always believe in the dark side of life. And only god knows, whether or not they will ever understand the true power Individual to change his/her own life. So, instead of buying Hidden Secret I downloaded, “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. This book is available free in the public domain, so I downloaded it easily. Then, I read this whole book. After, reading this book I began to think about what is the Definite purpose of my life. I never really thought about it. I have never asked this Question to myself, “Who Am I, For What I am born?” I really thought about this thing for a whole week. I began to realize that only becoming CA can’t be my purpose because deep in my heart, I never really feel like becoming a CA. And after becoming CA what will I do just earn money, consume precious resources, then Marriage, then kids than I will grow old in growing them up and one day I will die. I imagined, the whole thing with a new perspective, I found all that too horrible. I have Seen many married ladies, they all become too fat and irritating. I don’t want to become Like them. I always want to be young and happy. I really want to find my own propose. A propose which I can work for. A purpose which Keeps my spirit up. A purpose which brings the fire in my heart. A purpose which motivates Me. A purpose which makes me worthwhile. A purpose which satisfies me. A purpose Which makes me happy and fulfilled. A purpose which leads me into the road of true Abundance, prosperity and wealth. Again for about two weeks, I thought about my purpose. I really have no idea of the Definite purpose of my life. But one thing was sure, that CA is not the definite purpose Of my life because I don’t love it. Then, I realized that I must find a purpose which really excites me. So I thought about it. I Found that nature really excites me. So that evening with an excitement in my heart, I went To the terrace and enjoyed the birds flying high in the sky. Then, I got an idea to work towards Environment conservation because it will give me a chance to contribute to something Worthwhile. So, I thought about it. I decided that from now on, I will not study for CA because it’s Depressing me. So from that day, I began to learn more and more about natural Environment. I decided that after completing my graduation, I will work with Green Pace. And in These remaining two years, I will gain knowledge about environmental problems and

Their possible solutions. Meanwhile, I will work out my contribution and I am Hopeful that I will really get some great ideas about environmental conservation. (109)

“Don’t let a day go by without asking who you are. Understanding is a skill

And like all skills it must be coaxed into existence. To understand who You are means returning again and again to the question, Who Am I? Each Time you return you are allowing a new ingredient to enter into Your awareness. Every day is filled with the potential for expanding Your awareness and although each new addition may seem tiny, overall The accumulation will be great. It may take thousands of days to know Who you are, it takes only one day to quit asking. Don’t let today be That day.” Deepak Chopra Yesterday, I read these words of Deepak Chopra. These words are very true. I asked Myself this question and I realized that I am not my feelings, I am more than that. I am not My thoughts, I am more than that. I am not my body, I am more than that. I am not my Emotions, I am more than that. I am not what others think I am, I am more than that. I am Not a college student, I am more than that. I am not my blessings, I am more than that. I am My real self which is full of infinite intelligence, love, peace, happiness and joy. So now, I have come to know about real happiness. Real happiness doesn’t come from Outside, it is hidden within us by the curtains of fear, worry, pain, guilt and shame. These things don’t allow us to be happy. So, if we want to be happy then we should Let go of these things from your life and enjoy the precious gift which is life itself. I knew my purpose now, so I have stopped studying for the CA. Although, I daily Went to college but instead of going to class I went to the library. In library I read Motivational and environment science books. I really love these books. These books are helping me to discover my real self which Is full of infinite intelligence, love, peace, happiness and joy. I have understood that life is All about balance. A balance of head and heart. Now, I am in love with my life. I also Came to know that, it is not necessary to go to the Himalayas in search of peace. This peace is Within us. Just quiet your thoughts and you will experience divine peace. Although, I don’t go to my class but I am in contact with Sonaakshi. She also Remarked me: “Minal, you are changing now; day by day you are becoming more and more confident And radiant.” (110) I liked her compliments and I am happy with the fact that, someone is praising my Efforts. She also told me about her long distance relationship. After listening to her, I Thought about this idea. I asked to myself, Am I ready to be in a relationship now. Then my heart said, yes you are. You also need someone who loves you. Who understands You. Who cares for you. Who assist you in accomplishing your purpose. Who treats you like

The Queen of world. Who praises you for the beauty of body and heart. So that day after coming home, I downloaded Yahoo Messenger. I already, had my E-mail Id with Yahoo. So from that E-mail Id, I signed in to Yahoo messenger. At first, I Didn’t understood how to use Yahoo messenger. But then, I clicked all the options, Though it I came to the option of chat rooms. I joined the romantic chat room. After 5 to 10 minutes of joining chat rooms, my window filled with many messages. Some were just spammers, so I blocked them. After 20 minutes, I blocked all the boys Except Aditya. Aditya is really good. He was just talking to me, like all other boys he didn’t ask for my Pictures and cell phone no. In hurry. Through, my talks he truly guessed that my parents Are too strict. He also told me that his Parents are also strict but now he doesn’t live with them because his job is in Bangalore and they live in Baroda. After, a week we exchanged our pictures. I like her picture in blue T-shirt. Blue is my Favorite color and he was wearing blue. How cute it is. I call him “Superman” and he calls me “Angel”. After looking at my picture, he called me cute, gorgeous, beautiful and a cutie pie. I really Liked all his comments. Now we chat at night too. I sleep well after chatting with him in Night. We have done video chat too. While video chat he wasn’t wearing his T-Shirt. He was Looking too smart that time. His chest is so white. His body is so muscular. I really love it. Then, after a month we exchanged our cell numbers. I didn’t have my personal Cell phone, so I give the number of my mom. Whenever my parents are out of home, they Leave the cell phone of my mom just for emergency purpose, so I call to him through That phone. His voice is too good. He really has a singing voice. Sometimes, he sings melodious Songs of old Hindi movie for me. I really love to hear his songs. So one day I asked him, “Do you love me.” Then he asked me, “Do you love me.” I said: “You are too stupid, when I am asking do you love me means, I already love you that’s Why I am asking you.” Then he said: “I didn’t know that you are so romantic. I have never expected, that you will propose me in This way.” Then, I replied: “Don’t waste time now. Please quickly tell me, do you love me.” Then he said: “Yes, I love you so much. Now you tell how much you love me.” Then I said:

“I love you infinitely like universe, with the continuous expansion of universe my love is Also expanding. But there is a problem here, as per Einstein theory one day universe will Burst like a bubble so then, we’ll burst like that.” Then he said jokingly: “Don’t worry. When this will happen, I will hide you in my arms. Then nothing will Happen to you.” Then we both laughed. He said to me you are too “naughty”. Then I said to him, I am like That, you have to accept me as it is. Then he said: “I already accepted you. You are perfect in my eyes, so don’t worry.” After chatting with him, I felt relieved. Now everything has suddenly turned in my Favor. All this happened because, now I believe in myself. I have a strong burning desire. It’s true when you have a strong burning desire, then you get everything which you Really, really wanted for long. (111) After a month he told me, that he is coming to Jaipur for 3 days because of his office Work. So on Saturday he wants to go on a date with me. After listening to this I become too excited and then I said: “Wow, it’s too good. Please come fast. I want to meet you. On Saturday there is Thank you party in our college, so we have the excuse of that party. We will be together For the whole day.” He became too excited after listening to my idea. Then I said we’ll go to Triton Mall. First, we’ll watch “Chennai Express”, and then we’ll visit the mall. So in excitement Saturday arrived. That day I woke up at 5 with a joy in my heart. Then I went for a morning walk in the rose garden. The weather was too cool. Cool breeze was flowing over my body giving me divine touch. Trees were dancing in a Joy. Flowers were looking more colorful. Birds were flying high. Grass became more Green. I feel that was in touch with life itself. The life which is flowing within me .The life which is Flowing within these green trees. The life which is flowing within these colorful flowers. The life which is flowing within these flying birds. The life which is flowing within this green Grass. The life which is flowing within this whole planet. I feel like whole existence is dancing in my joy. I really want to know the ultimate truth Of life. The truth which is the essence of all religions. After coming at home, I felt true peace in my mind. I have quit all the negative thoughts. Then I felt that, I was meditating in the garden because at that time, I wasn’t thinking of Anything. At that moment, I was in touch with my real self which is otherwise lost in Noise of day to day life. Then, I began to get ready for my first date. I wore a pink top and blue jeans, and all those Accessories which I wore on teacher’s day. Then I went to the mall.

Aditya was already there. He greeted me with a smile. Then he holds my hand and we Went to the mall. Then he purchased the tickets for the movie and we went into the hall. The Hall was almost empty; only one couple was sitting in the middle corner. So we Went to the upper corner. Then, he whispered in my ear, “Hall is empty, so... I kissed him. He kissed me too. We both hugged each other. I was feeling too special because everything was new for me. I was enjoying too much. It was all too wonderful. So for three hours during the movie we loved each other. Then we went to the food court And ate “pasta”. Then he asked me, do you want to watch movie again. Then I said, you Are too naughty. Then, we both laughed and talked for half an hour in food court. Then we visited the Mall. He asked me, do you want to purchase anything. I said no because I don’t really Liked anything in that mall. Then, after half an hour he said, “We’ll soon be tired if we continue window shopping like That. So first, we’ll eat something, then we’ll again watch movie.” I agreed with his idea Because only in the hall we can spend some time alone. So we purchased the ticket of another movie. This time we weren’t so lucky because the hall was full. We just went to our seats. Then Aditya looked in my eyes. I blushed and said, “I love you my Superman.” He replied kissing me, “I love you, my Angel.” Then I asked him, “How much you love me.” He replied: “Earth is round and has no end. Like this my love is never ending.” Then I remarked to him, so sweet of you. Then I began to watch the movie, after a while I looked at Aditya he was continuously staring at me. I said: “Why are you staring me like this. Why don’t you watch this movie.” Then he said: “I came here to meet you not to watch this movie. Anyways, I am not interfering with yours Movie watching so like this you also can’t interfere in my Angel staring.” So the movie ended like this. Then we both drank coke and I asked, now when Will you come again. He said you can come with me to Bangalore. We’ll live in Bangalore together. I said: “I can’t come with you now. But I will tell you, when I will be ready to be with you.” Then I said to him “good bye” and I went to home. That whole night, I was thinking about Him. I also think about his idea of going to Bangalore. But then, I thought about my Parents. They will never allow me to live with Aditya before marriage. But I don’t want To marry too early. Then I leave this idea for the future. I said to myself, if in future I want to Live with him and then I will surely live with him. But for now, I want some more time to Understand him. (112)

After, one and half months he came to Jaipur again for his office work. This time, I went With him to Bangalore because I have decided to be independent now. I have decided that From now on, I will plan my own life. I am listening to my parents from 18 years and look What I have done in my life, I have just messed up everything.

Now, I will listen to my inner voice as it is always right. So I am listening to it. Now I am In Bangalore with my Superman. In Bangalore, I am totally free. Here there is no compulsion to attend college, to pretend to study, hear a repetitive boring lecture of parents and all that. Aditya has bought a Cell phone for me. He has arranged everything for me, right from clothes To motivational books. He is so sweet. Now, I have changed my daily routine completely. I start my day with morning walk and Yoga and ends it with journalizing. In between, I read motivational books and write Motivational articles. After a week, I have launched my own blog discoveryourself.com. In this blog, I have Uploaded all my motivational articles. In addition to this, I am doing affiliate marketing Through this blog. The money is not too much, but I am satisfied, that now I am following My true purpose. (113) Like this, my life was going smooth and lovely with Aditya. One day while morning walk, I got a possible solution to the plastic waste of India. I got this solution by observing “Raddivala.” There business is simple. They buy old Newspapers, magazines, books, notebooks and things made up of iron and tin. They Pay the price as per weight of these things. The rate depends upon the quality and material Of these things. For ex: 1kg old newspapers will be sold at the rate of about Rs.4 or 5. Then these waster paper is further used in making paper plates, rough registers, hand made Sheets, paper meshy and other uses. People also store waste paper in their house to sell it to raddivala to earn some money. So If we can recycle waste paper like this, then we can also recycle waste plastic like this. Plastic waste is a very big environmental problem of this country. This waste is making Our cities dirtier. To the extent this waste was responsible for Mumbai flood of 2004. If the Urgent solution of this waste wouldn’t be sorted out then one day it will surely kill our Country. At present, most of the barren land of cities in India is used for dumping plastic garbage. Cows eat this garbage and as a result they die. In addition to this, the garbage produces Weird smell which pollutes the whole environment. During the rainy season, water enters Into this garbage which in turn gives birth to dangerous insects which causes several Disease like Malaria and Dengue. So not only cows but people are also dying because of it. Although, death is not in our control, but the deaths caused by this garbage is in Our control. Generally people don’t throw old newspapers because they knew that they Can earn money through it. But they throw old plastic bottles because there is no

Benefit in storing it. So the solution lies here, we must prevent people from throwing Plastic into garbage at that point only. That night, I explained the whole thing to Aditya. So he asked me: “From where you will get money to purchase used plastic and from where you will Purchase it. In addition to this, who will purchase used plastic from you.” I replied: “My idea is simple. I will purchase used plastic bottle at the 5% MRP of the product. Let’s Say, the MRP of a 375ml Shampoo bottle is Rs.250 so I will purchase this bottle at Rate of Rs.13. Then I will sell this Shampoo bottle to the plastic industry. Then he asked: “So from where you will purchase it and you alone can’t do it. You will need a group to do It and you don’t have much contact in Bangalore, so it will be difficult for you.” Then I replied: “Don’t worry; I will work on this idea with Green pace. Tomorrow, I will send an E-mail to Greenpeace describing whole idea and I am perfectly sure that they will like my Idea. Then he said: “Your idea is not bad. But the problem is it’s too difficult. First, you have to convince Green pace about this idea. Then, you have to convince people to store used plastics. Then, At last and most difficult is to convince plastic industry to buy used plastic from you.” Then I replied: “Convincing Green pace will be not that much difficult because it’s a possible solution to an Environmental problem and Green Pace is an organization working towards environmental Conservation.” Then he said: “I agree that you will convince Green Pace. But what about people and plastic industry. They Will surely be critical of this idea and I don’t see any profits in this business.” Then I replied: “By convincing green pace half of the battle is already won because Green pace will Automatically aware people about this idea and then perhaps through public pressure Plastic industry will welcome this idea.” Then he said: “Yes, Angel. You are right. I didn’t know you were that much intelligent. You are truly a Beauty with brain.” Then I replied with a smile: “It’s all because of you. If you haven’t helped me to freed from, that jail like house then I Would never have been thought about this idea.”

Then he said: “Intelligence doesn’t depends on the persons Place. It depends on the person’s mind and I know that you have a sharp and creative mind.” Then I replied: “I don’t know all these things. I only know that I have a strong burning desire in my heart Coupled with faith and it will surely produce my desired result.”

Then he hugged me and said: “Yes, it will.” Then I kissed him back. After that, we began to love each other. (114) Then we laid on the bed. After an hour, we slept in each others arms. That morning, I I waked up with an excitement in my heart. I washed my face and went to the morning morning walk. What a strange coincidence is this. Whenever my heart beats with Excitement weather becomes too cool. Existence wants me to be successful, and it’s the indication Of existence that I will be successful in my mission of Clean India. For half an hour, I was in the garden enjoying the cool weather. Then I came to the home. As usual Aditya was sleeping, he never wakes up early. So I woke him by whispering Good morning in his ear. Then he snatched me over him, he kissed me and said: “Wow, Today you are looking very beautiful. So I am in no mood to go to the office. I will Be with you whole day. I will also help you in preparing your E-mail.” Then I said to him: “Will you join in my mission of Clean India. I am not asking you to quit your job. I am Just asking you some help whenever I need it.” Then he replied: “It was not a good question to ask. Don’t worry I am with you forever.” Then I kissed him and prepared breakfast. After eating breakfast, I read some motivational Quotes by Napoleon Hill. Quotes by Napoleon Hill always motivate me, it fills a new Energy and vigor in me. Then, I sent an E-mail to Green Pace describing this whole idea. After two days, I got the reply. Green Pace liked my idea. On, Monday they have called Me to their office for further discussion about this whole idea. I thought about preparing a Power Point Presentation (PPT) to elaborate the whole idea. I prepared that whole PPT in two Hours. At night, I showed the PPT to Aditya. He hugged me and whispered, I love you my Angel in my ear. Then he kissed me on my lips and we slept in each others arms. (115) So like this, Monday arrived. I went to the Green Pace office. I showed them my Presentation and explained them the whole plan. They liked my idea and appointed me The head of the mission of “Clean India”. I was very happy at that moment.

After coming to home, I called Aditya and told him the whole thing. He was very happy. He said, in the evening we’ll go out. I said, ok I will celebrate the most awaited moment Of my life with you. After talking to Aditya, I have analyzed my life till now. Before one year, I was a confused Girl. But now I am not confused, I know my purpose now and I am following it with full Passion. I also counted my blessings. I was blessed with so many things. I was born in the middle Class family. If I was born in a poor family than, I would have starved for everything. But I was lucky enough as, I have never starved. I got the opportunity to study. I got the Internet Through which I improved myself. Now, I don’t feel inferior anymore because I am contributing to something worthwhile. So If I am contributing to something worthwhile, then how can I be inferior. Now, I am not afraid of anything because in this planet there is no secure place. Life itself Is a risk. The only secure place on this planet is a graveyard. Now, I want to grow forever better. I want to live my life in its full potential. I want to Grow with the universe. I want to spread my wings. Sky is not in my limits. I want to go beyond That. I want to explore whole earth. I want to live every moment of my life in intense joy. I have dedicated my life in the service of Mother Earth and I am hopeful that I will serve Mother Earth successfully. I am contributing my life for the welfare of the natural Environment and I am hopeful that one day I will be successful in making India free from Plastic waste. I just want our country to be clean, so that as a country we can grow. I have fully understood the power of individual. An individual has a power to make his Life better. Nobody can make us feel inferior except us. If we feel inferior then we are, Inferior and we will not feel inferior, then we are not inferior. A fish doesn’t have Inferiority complex then why do we have such kind of inferiority complex. There is no best Way to live life. We ourselves choose which way of life is best for us. But The main thing is whatever the way of life we choose it is ok and it depends on us. On the Basis of our way of living nobody can’t call us inferior or superior. I also understood that it’s very important to be open minded. Tresses are not afraid of new Leaves and flowers but human beings are afraid of new ideas. In fact, trees welcome new Leaves and flowers it nourishes them as a result tree grows to its full potential. So if new Ideas are to be treated in this manner than any idea can improve the course of human History. Today it’s a need of the hour to work for our ecology and environment. Otherwise we will lose This beauty of nature. We need more and more people all over the world to work for the Cause of our ecology. If we’ll not open our eyes now, then we are getting prepared for Our possible devastation which could happen in near future. It is a critical time for the whole World to forget all differences and work in the service of Mother Earth.

I also realized that positive attitude is better because if we will not be positive then we’ll Automatically become negative. Negativity is like weeds which doesn’t require any effort To grow but the positively is like a flower which requires efforts to grow. So try to be positive. Welcome your life and in turn life will welcome you.

Life is made up of moments. So enjoy the most magical moments of your life with full Vigor. Set aside all your worries and fears in that moment. There will always be Something or another to worry about. So don’t spoil that magical moment with unnecessary Fear and worries. I also understood that the only right time is now. Perfect tomorrow will never come. The past is gone and the future has not yet to come so the only moment in our hand is present One. So we shouldn’t delay our goals for a future time. The best time to act is now. My life is not about conforming to society’s unwritten code of conduct. I have also Understood that irrespective of how hard I try, I can’t please everybody. So it’s better to Live my own life. So, I spent my whole day thinking about my own life philosophy. In evening, Aditya Arrived at home, I hugged and kissed him on his face. Then he lifts me up and I spread my Hands in air. Then after 15 minutes we went out of the house. He asked, where I want to spend this Beautiful evening. I said, let’s spend this evening near a lake. So we went to the lake and Sat there watching the sun set. I really love the orange sky before sunset. I clicked some Photos of that orange sky. I showed those photographs to Aditya. He liked them. Then we Clicked our group photo. Then, we went to watch movie. After watching the movie, we ate the dinner. Then, we took Ice cream. Then we went to the home. After returning to home, I hugged Aditya and whispered In his ears, I love you my superman. Then he kissed me and we started loving each Other. Then we slept in each others arms. That night, I had a dream. In the dream, I saw that my mission of clean India is becoming Successful. Slowly Slowly India is becoming free of plastic waste. Not only that, India is Becoming the leader of the world in solving ecological problems. In morning, I realized that it was only a dream. But one thing is sure, this dream can be Reality if we all work towards it. I don’t know about others but I am contributing to solve Ecological problems and I am hopeful that one day we will able to solve all our ecological Problems and make this world a living heaven. I hope you all enjoyed “A Confused Girl”. If you really enjoyed this story then please Post your reviews in http://www.lulu.com/shop/minal-sharma/a-confused-girl/ebook/product-21229223.htm