94299917 After Adam Katie Aleo

7/31/2019 94299917 After Adam Katie Aleo

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After Adam

By: Katie Aleo


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After Adam

By: Katie Aleo

Copyright 2011 by Katie Aleo

Cover Photo Courtesy of Photostock/ Freedigitalhotos.net


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apter 1

OVE!!! Hannah leans out of her window and lays on her horn.

ack up laughing, slinking down in her passenger seat to hide, Oh my God Hannah, calm down.

de no, its the last day of school and these Fools. Wont. Move! She punctuates each word with a be

her horn and then we both sit in the following quiet before we hear another horn break up the silen

nnah grins at me as if to say see?

eat, look what you started, I slide down in a little farther in my seat.

hatever. She rolls her eyes, and steps on the gas, finally! Were FREE! The car in front of us h

ved but hearing her latest honk, steps on the brakes for a second time and I groan.

phomores should not be allowed to drive to school, all they do is jam up the parking lot with th

xperienced selves.

nnah looks at me pointedly, And when pray tell, are yougoing to gain said experience? She laughs, les so hilarious.

ll my eyes, Yeah yeah, sorry my mom had to pay the electric bill this month and not get my car fixe

nnah bristles and I wind up apologizing.

easy to forget Hannah and I arent in the same situation anymore. Yeah her family was hit by t

onomy downfall too but the difference is she has two parents able to work. My mom tried to work whe could get a job, but those were fewer and farther between recently here where we live, in Melbour

ach Florida which is mostly a tourist spot, and getting my car fixed was the least of our worries. Not tha

s convinced my mom wasnt completely blameless, seeing as how I barely ever saw her; if she wasnt

boyfriends house or work she was at the bar.

ing to change the subject so Hannah wouldnt pout I added Besides, what do I need to drive for whe

ve you?

hatever, listen, what are you wearing tonight to Jerrys bonfire? Whatever is one of Hannahs favor

rds at the moment.

hat bonfire?

na come on! She hit her steering wheel and glared at me quickly before returning her gaze to t

d, I have been talking to you about this for like a week.

hrugged, I dont know about that. I dont want to go to another one of Jerrys bonfires, they are always t

me.

h no you dont, I am not going to let you sit around moping all summer about Adam like you did la

mmer, you need to get it together and get on with your life. I stiffened visibly; she knows I dont like whe

yone talks to me about Adam, so she continued more softly, I didnt mean it like that, you know wha

ant. Its our last summer before everything changes. Next summer well be getting ready to go off


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ege, and its just not healthy for you to stay locked up inside all summer like you did last year. Ada

uldnt want you to.

ew out my breath, she knew my next line, we both knew all my lines, wed had this conversation so ma

es before, so this time I just played it out in my head. How do you know what Adam would want? He

ad, nobody knows what he would want and Hannah would say Real mature Anna and I would sta

ng and shed apologize and say that she couldnt possibly understand what I was going through, ev

ugh she could because she was friends with Adam as long as I was, its just that in the two years befo

died, him and I became a couple.

new it wasnt fair to make Hannah sit around and be a shut in for another summer with me in my rood she always does anything I need her to, so I tried to be reasonable. Yeah, ok, Ill go to the bonfire w

u tonight.

y! Hannah squealed in a decibel that almost damaged my eardrum, but I guess her excitement w

ntagious and I smiled as I opened the car door in my driveway to get out.

e stops backing up halfway down the driveway and yells Are you going to wear your purple flip flo

ight?

ok down at my feet and squint to see her in the bright afternoon sun. These? I point at my feet.

e strains to see my feet over the hood of her car, Yeah.

gh, You can wear them. I wave off her cheers and go inside.

is my habit, I take a quick visual survey of the living room, and the area around the bottom of the sta

an. That means my mom hasnt been home today, this is three days now. Impressive, even for her; s

ends most nights at her boyfriends house or who knows where, but she usually comes home every oth

y to get clothes, and then makes a mess before leaving again.

ally prefer my mom never being home. Hannah thinks its weird, my being home alone all the time. We thinks its weird until her parents wont let her do something like stay out all night or go on a weeke

mping trip with guys, then she wishes that hers were more like my mom.

e thing is Hannah doesnt even really know my mom. If my mom should happen to come home wh

nnah is over, I see her eyes light up and then shes off again. I guess she figures as long as someone

e with me, that her job is considered done.

mom has gotten even worse since Adam died, she doesnt really know how to handle Adams death, a

e tries to be there for me but usually that means that shell get drunk and end up with her say

ppropriate things. For example, once, when I was really deep in my mourning period, like right afam died, my mom said matter of factly, First loves dont usually work out anyways honey, so just be gl

u dont have a messy breakup to get over. Yeah, she seriously said that, and then took another hu

g of her red wine and tried to focus her glazed eyes on me but instead she just ended up swayi

ward in her seat and pitching forward right off of the couch. I guess it was lucky that she had finished t

e before falling, so I only had broken glass to clean up out of the carpet and not another wine stain.

er verifying that there is no note in the kitchen, on the off chance she came home and didnt leave

ss, I climb the stairs to make necklaces until Hannah comes back to get me.

e pretty much always loved making necklaces or jewelry in general, ever since I was a kid and would g

se complete kits. They sell them for adults too but the kits are so kitschy looking when complete that th

nt worth putting together as a whole, but they can still be useful if you break it down into its basic piec

use in other collections.


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hard to explain but Ill try. Like when you make jewelry and you alternate colors of beads lets say, y

nt make the necklace pink purple red, pink purple red because its fake looking, or too perfect and

meone whose life is far from perfect, I guess I just prefer the scattered chaos of sometimes going pin

ple, pink, red, red, purple. I guess other people agree because Ive been able to sell a few necklac

ne, ever since Adam suggested it to me, back when Adam still existed.

so engrossed in making my necklaces that I dont even hear Hannah come in until shes coming throu

bedroom doorway and startles me. I scream and beads go everywhere. I scowl at her, but she ju

ghs, and wanders over to my bathroom to plug in my curling iron and starts applying makeup whil

vey the beaded mess in the carpet.

u really need to lay off the caffeine, youre getting jumpy, she points out helpfully.

u really need to lay off the makeup; youre starting to look like a Barbie doll or no a Kardashian. I reto

fheartedly while on my hands and knees trying to scoop up as many beads as possible from the carpet

Funny. She rolls her eyes at me before rubbing her bronzer in its case and fluffing it all over her face in

ze of bronze smoke. Shes already tan enough, and I think the bronzer just makes her look orange l

se little people in the Willy Wonka movie, whatever its called (the original one thats really old), but la

e I tried to tell her that she got seriously cranky for the rest of the day. Hannah is one of those girls wh, I say one of those girls but yet before Adam died I guess I was just like her) loves being tan year roun

d having her hair bleached blonde within an inch of its life. Granted, my hair was already pretty blon

ke hers which is naturally brown, but adding different layers of dimensions, aka highlights was stil

nthly ritual, back then of course, before Adam died. Now I dont do anything to my hair but wash a

ndition it and its actually looking shinier than ever.

alked to Riley, he says that his older sister agreed to get the alcohol for tonight and everyone should

ting to the beach in like a half hour, so you should start getting ready.

oked down at my outfit and then back at her.

hat? She says accusingly. You cant go like that Anna; your shirt says Camp Kids and has a chocola

n on it.

o it doesnt! Where? I look myself over and Hannah points at the offending stain with an eyeliner pencil.

ok, for school, its fine, whatever, but come on Anna, its summer time, youre supposed to be feelin

achy, and sexy. She raises her eyebrows at me.

face scrunches up involuntarily. Sexy? Oh no, I said Id come to Jerrys dumb party with you but I do

ed to try to dress up sexy to hang out with the same kids we hang out with at school during the dasides, its dark so nobody will see the stain, and/or they already saw it at school.

pretty proud of my reasoning but Hannah looks disgusted and I dont blame her, my person

pearance has taken a real nose dive in the past year, but what does it matter I figure? Its not like I

ng to impress anyone anymore, and everyone knows Im in a period of mourning.

o, just no, Im putting my foot down. By foot I guess she means beauty products because she stomps o

my bathroom and is sorting through my closet, angrily shoving clothes out of the way. Here, wear this, t

a perfectly comfortable and nice looking tank top, she holds it out to me.

h! I reach for it, surprised. Honestly I hadnt reached that far back in my closet in awhile, preferring just

sh and wear the same t-shirts. I had forgotten about this tank top. I used to love it, its cream color rea

off my tan in the summer. Although that was two years ago, seeing as how last summer was after Ada


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d I didnt go out like ever. I hope it still fits me.

ats the spirit! Hannah went back to putting on makeup while I tried it on. Surprisingly it still fit, what a d

spair and heartbreak can make I thought ruefully, as I admired myself in it in the mirror on the back of m

or.

e what did I tell you? With that flirty camisole you look like a different person. I look at her standi

hind me in my reflection and nod, smiling tightly. I kiss Adam goodbye and we leave to go to the party.

ave a picture of me and Adam eating lunch together at school stuck in the corner of my mirror tha

nging on the back of my door. Its been there since before Adam died, and I have made a habit out sing it before I leave the house. Its just my way I guess of acknowledging him, or keeping him close

. I dont give it tongue or anything, just a quick peck before I have to leave my room and go out into t

rld. Hannah doesnt even seem surprised anymore which is kind of comforting, that even shes accept

t Adams still a part of me this way.

walked to the bonfire along the beach. Jerrys wasnt far enough away to warrant driving, especially w

mmer traffic clogging up Beach St, but I barely heard anything Hannah said on the way there. I guess

s just seeing my old self in my cami or something, but I was feeling for once like it was ok for life to go o

d not guilty about being out of the house. I didnt want to date or anything, but Hannah was right - I need

get outside and be around people and as much as shed deny it, if I tried to stay inside all summer I wly to end up losing yet another friend.

had two other best friends, Becky and Christine, but around the middle of last summer, which was abo

r months after Adam, they couldnt deal with it anymore and we stopped being best friends. They favor

ng to the beach and smiling over sleeping on my couch and comforting me crying over Adam

derstood and I didnt have any hard feelings towards them, I just didnt have anything to say to anyo

ently, or the energy to try to make things right between us. They tried to avoid me, according to Hanna

ch made it really awkward when wed get stuck together for something at school this year. I wishe

nnah hadnt even told me flat out about them trying to avoid me instead of letting me continue to decei

self that they were just busy, but as I know all too well, theres no point in wishing, because if I were lly wish, I would wish Adam wasnt dead.

we get closer to the party my steps start to slow with the weight of thinking about all of it. I lean over

e deep breaths, but despite my efforts to calm myself down, I feel my palms getting sweaty.

other reason I dont like coming out is because to everyone I see; Im still Adams girlfriend. It makes m

uncomfortable; the way people look at me like they dont know what to say. Its so weird because

en over a year ago now, and they dont have to say anything about Adam to talk to me, its not like hes

an talk about, like my whole life is summed up by one event, one event that didnt even happen to me, a

sides - these are people that grew up with Adam same as I did - they have every right to grieve as muI do, and not tiptoe around me like Im some bomb of sadness waiting to explode awkwardly on anyo

o says the wrong thing. More often than not I feel like Im the one consoling other people like No

ght that you dont know what to say, dont sweat it. Its weird and I want to go back to being just Anna.

nnah can sense when Im about to get a panic attack and stops me from taking any more steps closer

party. Shit Anna! she says, frantically looking through her purse for something to calm me down, a

l my thoughts about Adam spinning me further out of control. Shit, shit, shit, I hear out of the corner of

e. Yes it is possible to hear that way or maybe Im just going crazy as a side effect of my panic attack.

a! Alright Anna, here smell this. She sticks a bottle of perfume under my nose and coaches me

athing in and out; it smells like cake. I love those perfumes that smell like sugar cookies or yellow ca

cing, smelling it now I decide that all other perfumes in the world should just cease to exist, why wou

u want to smell like a flower or some concoction a celebrity mixed together (they arent all chemists a


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y? What do they know anyways?)

breathing starts to slow with her practiced technique and I breathe it in and smile. Mmmm, Im a suck

that stuff, let me spray it.

nnah hands it over silently, her leg twitching impatiently.

m sorry Hans. I say, handing it back to her. She nods and rolls her eyes.

e you going to be able to keep it together tonight? Do you want to hang onto it? She looks uncert

w. I know that shes worried about leaving me alone to hang out with her boyfriend Riley, in case I freor cry or something and Im embarrassed at the burden Ive become. Embarrassed at how far remov

m everyone Ive allowed myself to get. If I were Hannah Id have probably ditched me a long time a

ng with Becky and Christine.

hake my head casually and start to hand it back to her but she holds her palms up to ward me off. O

cond thought, you hang onto it for now, just you know, incase.

mile gratefully at her and playfully lay my head on her shoulder, Youre the greatest friend ever Hanna

u cant make Anna without Hannah after all! I try to cheer her up with our old saying that we used to s

en we were kids and everyone commented on how youd never see one of us without the other nearby.

hatever, she grumbles, clearly not amused, I will be wanting that perfume back later.

hys that? Does Riley get all Oooo Hannah you smell like cake, let me have a bite! I playfully let my tee

ch her shoulder where my head is laying and she screeches and runs away from me.

ah! Anna you are such a freak! Shes laughing though as she says it so I know all is forgiven for m

lier weirdness.

dnt always used to have panic attacks; its new to after Adam. I dont have health insurance, thanks to m

ms job hopping, so when it starting happening a lot last summer while it was just me and Hannahme, Hannah Googled panic attacks and started trying to find a solution for me that would work. T

athing into a paper bag trick you always see on movies? Yeah, that is like way suffocating feeling a

made me worse, but smelling something sweet in the same steady in and out cadence as I would w

paper bag, seemed to soothe me and snap me right out of it. Hannah is a genius like that.

e bonfire on the beach in front of Jerrys is pretty much what I expected, the same old crowd Ive alwa

er seen here. Jerrys parents dont seem to mind the loud noise outside their house, or the steady strea

people parading in and out all night using their bathroom, so thats how his house got chosen I guess. H

m even seems to encourage the parties because shes known for buying all the boxes of graha

ckers at the Stop N Go and tons of bags of marshmallows and Hersheys candy bars for everyone ke smores.

metimes when there is a fire warning issued and we cant make a beach fire, well just make the smore

his grill. We used to make them in his microwave until some ditzy girl didnt pay attention and the stic

rshmallow exploded all over the inside of the microwave.

en we get there, Hannah walks around, with me in tow, saying hi to everyone. Of course everyone

per nice to me, but in a spacey way, wide-eyed like Hi Anna, how are you? (All things considere

od? Gooood. Cricket noise follows until Hannah thinks of something to say or moves us along.

sit down near Riley and a few of his friends and Hannah becomes absorbed in him immediately, leavisitting for the most part alone and wondering why I even came. No, thats not true, I know that I can

e for Hannah without having to talk to her the whole time, I just wish I could do it without feeling li


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erybody else is looking at me wondering why Im here, or why Im sitting here with nobody to talk to. I lo

Rileys friends who are sitting near us deep in what I think is a beer burping contest (ew) and decide I

ter off just sitting here watching everyone else, or playing a game on my phone while I wait for Hann

d Riley to er reacquaint themselves with one another.

ey and Hannah are kind of a new thing. After Adam she didnt hook up with anyone for a long time, whic

eally not like her but I guess it was a show of moral support, so when she started actually crushing

ey this spring and flirting with him I was really happy for her. Its not fair to her to swear off boys and cat

my every need and mourn with me, and even though I was really grateful for all the time she spent with m

were starting to get on each others nerves a little bit.

sides, since she has been with Riley I really think Ive come a long way in moving past Adam since Iv

d more time to myself to think. I wont say getting over Adam, because you get over someone you bre

with, and we didnt break up, we just ceased to be.

phone rings, and I dont know who is more surprised, me or Hannah, considering that she came out

Riley bubble and turned to me questioningly. I fish it out of my pocket, Its my mom, I mouth, as I op

phone and stand to walk to a quieter stretch of beach.

oney? Honey where are you? My mom is giggling into the phone and I can hear her boyfriend Neal or

st I assume its Neal, whispering to her in the background.

at a party mom.

rty? I notice she sounds surprised, not angry like most parents would be that Im at a party and that s

d no idea until this minute where I was, and roll my eyes as she continues, Well come home, I got a n

and we are going out with Neal to celebrate.

mom getting a new job was nothing to be excited about; she gets new jobs all the time, what would

re impressive is if she would keep one. That is something I could see celebrating.

ats great mom, but I just got here and I already ate so.

ont be ridiculous sweetie; Neal is taking us out for a treat so get here now, and with that she hung up.

gh and flip my phone shut, and head back to the bonfire to tell Hannah I have to leave.

apter 2

rns out Neal was only willing to spring for the Snack Shack or The Shack as locals call it, a greasy lit

er on the beach within walking distance from the house.

pretending to look over the menu that I already know by heart to avoid seeing my mom and Nea

gusting flirting and wondering why I was even dragged along in the first place, when my mom disengag

lips from his long enough to lecture me about getting a job. Something about how I should be more l

and buckle down, show some responsibility.

al has the nerve to start into me too, and it seems he is getting a kick out of acting all parental, which

bably largely due to the alcohol that I can smell wafting across the table off of the two of them.

ally Ive had enough and I slam my menu down hard enough to get more than one curious glance fro

er Snack Shack patrons. You are really one to talk mother I hiss across the table at her, You cant kee


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ob for more than six months! How are you going to lecture me about responsibility when the reason y

fired from your last two jobs was for just failing to show up or even call in on several occasions?

e looks at me aghast and I let the other hammer or shoe or whatever it is fall, Yeah, I know about th

ybe if you tried coming home every now and then, youd be able to check the machine before I do.

m. In the long seconds that followed, she just looked at me, trying to think of something to say, and mu

my relief, the waitress chose to appear at that time with the food. I picked up a crispy french fry and s

etly looking at my plate munching on my food for the remainder of the meal.

er the plates were cleared and we had all exchanged murmurs of thanks to Neal, my mom decidedd my hopes of salvaging the evening with ice cream and laughter and just kiddings!! all around.

hink its about time that you start pitching in for all the things you take for granted. From now on you c

y your own cell phone bill, and I expect you to have your car fixed by the end of summer instead of letting

n the driveway looking like a hunk of junk, and you will be paying for your own car insurance and g

ney. Im not driving you around next year or giving you gas money to hand over to Hannah.

al and I both looked at her in somewhat shock. Is this the alcohol talking or is my mom actually trying

all parental on me?

ow do you expect me to get to said job since your never home to drive me to it?

at back in my seat feeling pretty smug and satisfied, until she leaned forward and said You can start

ting in an application here.

are daggers at her, as the waitress comes to collect Neals credit card and in addition to my mom aski

a to-go box, she asks for an application.

e doesnt let us leave until I fill it out and hand it over to our waitress. I just hope the oil from the table

ough to smudge out my cell phone number.

apter 3

nnah calls me later as Im up finishing a necklace to fill another online order, and I tell her about the horr

t is my mother.

e cracks up laughing You cant be serious? Youre going to work at The Shack? She says it like its

y word even though we eat there all the time. Ive never paid any attention to the people that wait on re, so Im not sure if she means it as in only losers work there, as opposed to only losers work there.

aybe not, but my only other option in walking distance is the Stop N Go, so I dont know what to hope fo

ut a pillow over my face to muffle my scream which is more for Hannahs benefit than anything else sin

er dinner my mom and Neal left again for places unknown.

ell that blows that you had to leave early tonight, some of Rileys friends were asking about you after y

like if youre ready to date again or whatever.

ll my eyes at Hannahs one track mind. Since she is now part of a couple she feels like its her duty ke me part of a couple also, and more and more recently she has been trying to talk me into going o

h her and Riley and one of his friends. Most guys around here wont come near me with a ten foot po

er Adam, but I guess with Riley running interference and getting his friends used to the idea, some gu


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coming around. Not that Im sure whether or not that is a good thing.

de, I say, looking at the alarm clock next to my bed, Can this wait until later, I already got chewed out

mom tonight, I cant deal with you badgering me too.

k, Ok, Hannah said softening, so what are you going to wear on your first day of work? White ten

oes and white socks cuffed or black??

ate you. I say grinning, This conversation is over, Goodnight.

apter 4

course I get a call the next morning for an interview and I call Hannah in a panic, wondering what to wea

nnah of course, having never been on an interview either, has no idea but vows to find out from someoose actually had a job before and calls me back and tells me what to wear.

e didnt tell me that at ten oclock on a June morning, my silky shirt would get all sweaty by the tim

ked to my interview and so I stand outside in the shade of a tree beforehand trying to fan myself and co

self off. As much as Id hate working here, the idea of working at the Stop N Go is scary enough to ma

want this job. Besides, after thinking about it for a few days, I really do love their ice cream so as long et to eat that at a discounted rate, I figure I could do worse.

u going to come in or are you just going to stand out here and get your nerves all worked up?

mp in surprise and turn smiling to see who the voice belongs to and am surprised to see Camp! Wh

you doing here? Am I that obvious?

ell considering that my boss told me to tell an interviewee named Anna Sorrin that she was going to

e, I just guessed he winked at me.

king him in I couldnt believe how much hed changed and how much he resembled Adam. It shouldnt

surprising considering that they were brothers, but I hadnt seen Camp since Adams funeral; we both d

shut-in thing I think all last summer and then he surprised everyone by going away to school in the fall.

ok a moment to check out how hes changed, he too seems to have lost a little weight, not that he wavy or anything before but now he looked really skinny but in a good way, or maybe that was just his t

king him look leaner (tans tend to do that). He is still tall as ever, probably like six feet, and hes no

aring his dirty blonde hair grown out in a shaggy, floppy way, covering his green eyes.

uess he was thinking the same thing about me because he said more quietly Well look at you all grow

, and when he looked at me, I felt in danger of crying and saw the smile wipe off of his face. He motion

me come to him and I closed the gap between us to hug him and choked back a sob. He patted my ba

kwardly, and let me collect myself before grabbing me by the arms and holding me away from him

utinize me.

better? He asked.

odded and sniffled. It was really quite embarrassing seeing as how this is Adams brother and even


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uld hold himself together better than I could. What right did I have to cry when he wasnt? That is kind

pocritical of me to think considering how I feel about other people having just as much right as I do to

d but whatever. I was never really close with Camp, aside from hanging out with him at Adams; he w

ways just Adams goofy older brother.

ok down at my now even more rumpled outfit and almost start crying again when Camp laughs, Well y

nt exactly interview like this can you?

ould only imagine how my face looked, it was probably as sweaty and gross as my outfit, and I choked o

augh too and shake my head. Yeah I would probably start crying if I tried to interview now, or maybe m

eyes would just scare the manager into thinking I was on drugs.

ecking his watch Camp said Shes not going to be here for another twenty minutes, how about I let y

de and you can clean up some in the bathroom and Ill crank the A.C so you can cool off?

cream I muttered, staring at my feet.

hat? He leaned in closer to try to hear me better.

e cream, ice cream would cool me off and make me feel better I said a little louder but still toeing t

und and only sneaking peeks at him.

burst out laughing You drive a hard bargain, but all right. Ill even put in a good word for you.

atched him as he unlocked the restaurant; I hadnt realizing I would be interviewing before the restaura

uld be open, although thinking about it, I suppose that made sense. I thought I had seen all that t

taurant or, rather shack, had to offer before, but seeing it deserted and with all the lights off now

lized I had a lot to learn.

mp walked around switching lights on and telling me what to say and what not to say in my intervie

ore letting me loose to go to the bathroom and clean up.

oking in the mirror I decided my face didnt do that red, blotchy thing too bad like it does when I get

lly good cry going. I guess after the last year and some odd months of really crying, to my face, this w

hing. I took a wet paper towel and tried to cool myself off, and only then did I stop to wonder what I w

ng here.

ould I even want to work here with Camp? I dont want to wait tables all summer and to turn arou

ddenly and forget for a minute that its not Adam and get all excited to see him, only to be crushed a

ve to relive his death. Im sure Camp didnt want to come home for the summer to have me thrown in

e all the time either. What is he doing home? That I know of, he didnt come home for any of the brea

ing the year that colleges give their students.

was so strange that he went away to school because Adams mom was always getting on him abo

ting applications in that winter and he always brushed her off saying hed go to community college a

t he wanted to stay home. He didnt change his mind until after Adam died. Then it seemed like

uldnt get away fast enough.

alizing I totally spaced-out there, I quickly checked my watch and saw that I had already used up t

nutes and since Camp spent about five minutes showing me around, that left only five minutes to g

dy for my interview. Luckily my outfit seemed to have dried out some I thought; this will have to do.

ee that Camp has left me a scoop of strawberry ice cream on the counter as promised and smiling I wn and quickly dig in before the manager gets there. I watch Camp mosey around to different table

eming to pick up bottles of ketchup and shake them, and lift glass jars of salt and hold them up to the lig


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nspect them and I cant help but giggle.

looks at me questioningly, Wha?

othing, nothing, it just looks like youre looking for the answers to lifes questions in those salt shakers.

smiles a crooked grin at me and Im surprised to feel my stomach flip flop as I start to grin bac

alizing that, I immediately sober and look into my ice cream bowl.

uess I could say the same about you and that ice cream dish.

he noticed. My ice cream is all gone and truth be told, I was feeling a lot better and cooled off until abo

seconds ago. Now my cheeks feel like they are flaming and I try to scour the bottom of the bowl f

other cooling sip.

nt believe I just grinned at him like, like I wanted to flirt with him or something. It must be that Steller sm

ink as I give up on my bowl and push it away from me on the counter. And no, I dont mean like stel

de I mean Steller is Adam and Camps last name.

owing up that was always a good joke with the guys. Steller soccer player, Steller dude, you killed t

ve.

mp pushes my bowl back to me across the counter If youre going to work here, you have to take yo

n bowls to the kitchen, come on, Ill show you where they go.

ealize that I had only seen the front room, and standing in the kitchen I see this is where the ma

ppens.

ere were several employees scuttling all around, seeming like they were in a rush for whatever reaso

e Shack wasnt even open yet, and I almost got ran over twice by frantic employees. So after showing m

dishwashing station Camp guided me back to the dining area.

nce you start working here youll quickly learn the route in the kitchen; you swing through one door a

nk of it as a mini race track: know where youre going ahead of time and go there quickly, and wh

ure done - speed away quickly, and always watch the floor and the food pickup station because yo

her slip on melted ice, or youll take out a server with a full tray, and thats no way to keep the kitch

ppy. And a happy kitchen equals free food.

smiles at me again before popping a french fry in his mouth that he got from the employee fry bowl in t

hen. Its kind of gross sounding, a big bowl of fries that everyone sticks their hands in and shares, bu

ess when its lunch time and you dont have time to sit down and eat, there is always time to scarf down

ndful of fries before taking out food to one of your tables. And I guess the kitchen would rather you do thn risk you eating them off someones plate.

s time I manage to smile back without thinking about Adam and Adams mouth. Or thinking how h

ller smile looked just the same as Adams smile that I miss so much that even looking at it made m

art squeeze. It was probably just because everything he just said sounded really overwhelming and m

in was fried, or because he was eating fries and my eyes were drawn to his mouth which looks so mu

Adams, that I was even considering reaching out to touch them and see if they were as soft as Adam

you think Ill get the job? I ask unsurely, finally tearing my eyes away from his mouth.

h yeah, Ill put in a good word for you, and hey, if you do end up crying in your interview I think that meaure a shoe in, the manager, Audrey, is a sucker for tears.

d you would know this, how?


17/42

shrugs, People cry in here all the time, and it usually resolves itself with a free desert on the house.

I say, thinking about what a good strategy that is in general, I mean free ice cream sure perked me

now.

d here is our great manager now! Camp runs up to a tiny girl rearranging bottles behind the coun

ho knew Shack staff was so bottle preoccupied?) and hugs her. She playfully bats him off and turns

le at me. Any nerves I had quickly dissipated when she turns her grin on me. She looks barely older th

, and I blink in surprise.

ee Camp has already shown you around, are you ready to interview? Or did you take care of that t

mp?

he flirting with him?

e and Anna go way back, so run along and fill out her paperwork. He shoos us toward the manage

ce and surprisingly Audrey complies.

de the office she laughs at Camps antics one last time before turning serious, Hes really great righ

hasnt really worked here that long but he is great with the customers and the staff. We love a tea

yer, She gushes.

od and awkwardly shift in my seat.

ell Im the server manager, so Ill be your supervisor, but of course youll answer to any manager, s

mmages through some papers and finds what she is looking for ah, here we go; fill this out and Ill get y

the schedule.

it, what? I am so surprised I just stare at her. What about my interview?

e seems to sense what Im thinking because she laughs This is the restaurant biz, its not rocence. Its tourist season and we hire everyone that we can since God knows in a few weeks everyone

ng to get the summer bug and start flaking out on us; what size shirt are you, a small?

od and start filling out the tax paperwork she gave me, not sure if I should be excited I just got myself a jo

nervous.

med with my schedule and a staff t-shirt already smelling of greasy food, I head home, feeling a little

ter than I did this morning about my new job, and my summer in general.

er I change out of my stuffy outfit and take up residence on the couch, I finally return Hannahs calls. Sh

en calling me since about five after ten, and she knew my interview was at ten this morning. I guess thaw long she thinks interviews are, or more likely, she just forgot.

ll her about getting the job, (she didnt forget) but for some reason I dont mention Camp. Im not sure w

ont tell her, since I know she would love to analyze Camps homecoming and would enjoy trying

suade me that I dont really need a job especially if Im going to have to look at Camp everyday it ca

good for the healing process, your moms not a monster shed say.

ont start work for three days and Hannah convinces me to go to the beach with very little fuss. S

mises to pack a cooler full of sandwiches, fresh veggies, and diet cokes, not that I care, but she sai

ed to start eating for my skin if Im going to work in that grease pit all summer.

stairs I search for my bathing suit and when I find it in the back of my closet, still with the tags on, I a

minded of when I bought it last year with Adam.


18/42

thing suits come out for some reason around January, and while me and Adam were making a day out

ng to Target and searching through the Christmas clearance items, we found among the tacky and cra

nta sweaters, this bathing suit. It was my size, bright yellow, and completely out of place, but Ada

gged me to try it on anyways by giving me his puppy face and saying that since it was winter, he w

ssing seeing all my bare skin. I tried to resist, seeing how it was January and I was extra pale and n

e I remembered to shave, but the Steller smile of course won me over and I tried it on. It fit perfectly, a

en we saw that it was on clearance for some reason, he insisted that I buy it.

course I never got the chance to wear it again, since he died before we made it to the beach.

was the only bathing suit that I had though, since the one from the previous year had pilled up so bad

m sitting on the cement wall by the boardwalk nearly every day that I threw it away as soon as summ

ded. I decided I better just wear it; Hannah was going to be mad if I called to tell her she had to drive m

get another bathing suit, and I knew her reasoning was sound: Did I throw away ALL my perfectly goo

thes from before Adam?

pped off the tags with quiet resolve and tried it on. Looking at myself in the mirror on my door I let out

ath I hadnt realized I was holding. I guess I was expecting to burst into tears, but I didnt.

ok a lot different in it than I did last January I must admit. In that time Ive grown to fill the top out better astomach was leaner and longer looking from the misery and despair diet. Id trade all the fat in the wo

have Adam back. I look at myself once more before sighing and putting on a pair of cutoff shorts and m

mi then kiss my Adam picture and run out of the house before Im late to meet Hannah. I realize its t

me tank I wore to the party the other night, but I havent healed that much that I want to start diggi

ough my closet for more buried treasures.

it is, I feel weird wearing this. Like I dont have the right to look this happy, that people are going to lo

me and wonder why Im not morose. Its the role Ive played into well for the past year after all and I s

ck into it so easily and without thinking, that when I catch myself, I have to force myself out of it.

nnah has beaten me to our spot on the beach I see, but what surprises me is how many people have

towels around hers. Last time I guess that I came here during the summer, this was our spot because

s just that a local spot that none of the summer tourists wanted anything to do with because it was t

from the boardwalk. It seems the secret is out.

art laying out my beach towel next to her, and she lifts her head to acknowledge me with a grunt. I kno

nnah is sun cranky, and I dont say anything. She insists on waiting until her skin is practically on f

ore shell jump in the water finally, screaming because, in contrast, the water is so cold. In her prese

te I know shell snap at anyone who dares talk to her so I lay down and open my book to wait, and sm

t some things never seem to change.

apter 5

my first day of work I wake up actually looking forward to it, instead of being paralyzed by fear lik

ught I would be. After showering, I spend extra time getting ready, even curling my long and usually sti

aight hair before putting it up in the mandatory ponytail, so that its bouncy, and grin at myself in the mirr


19/42

an afterthought I decide to even put on eyeliner in addition to my mascara. Except for when I was in

epest of mourning, I always wore mascara; my blonde eyelashes wouldnt allow me to not wear it, or

k weird.

ntrary to what Hannah would have me believe, I dont actually have to wear cuffed socks, thank goodne

ce I dont own any, Just some good non skid sneakers and low cut socks will do, the manager had sa

ok at the clock and realize Im going to have to run if Im going to be on time; turns out spending tim

ting ready like I used to, takes longer than I remember.

ecide as soon as I step out into the heat that I can either run and get there on time but spend five minuthe bathroom cooling off after I get there, or just walk and show up five minutes late but still reasonab

ol. Never a fan of running if I dont have to, I of course choose to walk.

mmer is in full swing and there are tons of families crossing to my side of the street any time there is a

raffic, bogged down with beach chairs and towels and smelling of sunscreen. I smile at a sticky

eeching and trying to catch up to its mom and then I realize I hadnt kissed Adams picture goodbye

use, bracing myself for the impending panic attack, and breathe deeply, focusing on the sea air, an

lize after a minute that Im not going to panic. I wonder if I should turn around and go back home and k

picture as is tradition when I leave the house, but after looking at my watch I decide I really really do

ve time and I start walking to work again a little more quickly this time.

most change my mind and go back home several times but I know that if I dont keep this job, its off

Stop N Go for me, and I dont really want to be ringing up tired and cranky tourists for their Big Slur

en its over one hundred degrees and the air conditioner is broken. So I send up a silent apology

am and plaster on a smile for the Snack Shack.

scheduled for ten-thirty this morning, so I dont have any time before the restaurant opens to get into t

ng of things. Audrey pairs me up with another server, Lisa, to learn the ropes, but business is slow un

ch time so we mostly just sit around and eat the french fries Lisa has the kitchen make us for the bow

thfully I think she might have scared them into making us anything we wanted, shes pretty intimidatiking, and Im surprised they let her around customers but maybe she frightens them into tipping h

od. Shes petite but is obviously embracing the whole gothic or vampire culture look, shes got short pix

black hair, and her nails are always black. She doesnt have much liberty with being unique in her ou

her server book (where we keep all of our tables orders and junk like that) has band stickers all over

d she wears a chain around her jean shorts as a belt. Oh yeah, and of course plenty of smudgy black e

keup. I wonder if she even has to wash it all off every night; it doesnt look like it.

gardless of how she got the food, the perks of working here are already proving to be pretty good, sin

fries are free and unless Camp was sneaking it that one time, ice cream is free too.

t by noon I change my mind about the perks of this place, since Lisa just throws me to the wolves (hung

es) pretty much, by letting me take care of my own tables. She tells me point blank that we work on ti

d sharing tips for a day with me is just not in her future, so shell take half the tables and Ill take half, a

ell help me input anything I dont understand into the computer but she gets half my tips for th

eement.

r cold look didnt leave any room for argument and anyways I saw the computer, and it was touch scre

h pictures of the food so it shouldnt be that hard - hamburger picture for hamburger, ice cream for i

am, etc.

enty minutes into the rush however, I realized I was going to have to give Lisa all my tips (mostly becaue told me that several times while she was helping me).

e com uter was too reas to acce t m frustrated ta s to in ut an thin , and I was ushin the


20/42

mburger button with increasing strength trying to get it to take when Camp showed up behind me a

ueezed my shoulder. I jumped, and he laughed, Hey, play nice, you just have to knuckle it in the swe

ot like this.

knuckled it ever so gently in the upper left corner and I had a small hamburger on order. I smiled up

m in gratitude as he slipped his Snack Shack t-shirt over a plain white undershirt, and I got a whiff of h

ndry detergent. It smelled so good amongst all this greasy food that I wanted to lean in closer and sm

m again, but I managed to refrain.

ah well I guess my trainer forgot to mention that I muttered under my breath, while inputting the rest of

les order.

ww who do they have training you today? He looked around the dining room, Lisa? He looked at me

nfirmation and sucked in a breath Ouch, next time you need help, just ask me, shes a little cran

cause well, shes Lisa, she doesnt need a reason.

ughed a little loudly and my table looked over at me, probably irritated that I still hadnt gotten their sod

hem yet. I pushed past Camp, suddenly not in the mood to joke around.

ns out there was an end to the lunch rush and by 3:30 I was sitting out back by the dumpsters massagi

sore feet and wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the summer when my feet weeady blistering and an angry red color from the abuse of standing on them all day and in sneakers, n

-flops. It occurred to me that if I just worked here long enough to get my car fixed, then I could get a j

mewhere better, like maybe as a receptionist somewhere, where I could sit most of the day and with m

t hidden under the desk I could even probably wear flip flops. That thought excited me enough to go ba

de and finish my shift with new vigor.

nking about how awful Lisa was at teaching me anything, I wondered on my walk home why I was put w

as a trainee and not Camp, the manager already knew we knew each other, it seems like it would

friendly or easy thing to do, to pair me with him. Maybe today wouldnt have been so bad if I could ha

ard his easy laugh every time I got frustrated, or seen his Steller smile every time I walked away fromle sure I had their order memorized, only to forget it and have to walk sheepishly back to ask again.

ybe he requested not to work with me, maybe he thought it would be too hard, but then why would

ve recommended me to the manager? Maybe she really did have a crush on him and didnt want h

ng too chummy with me, which would be really great for him, someone to make him want to come hom

xt year during the school breaks. Im sure his parents would love for him to come home for Christmas

snt right, him up and leaving them, I thought, walking faster as I got agitated about the very idea of h

abandoning everyone when they needed him most.

apter 6

uess there might have been something to Lisas training technique after all because after a week


21/42

rking the lunch rush with her, having to fork over enough of my tips to make me nearly cry each time, I w

ng out back after a particularly brutal shift when she come outside to smoke a cigarette.

was getting used to you supplementing my income last week she said before pausing to light h

arette.

etting used to? I shifted, so that her cigarette smoke didnt blow right in my face, which she apparen

w, and rolled her eyes and made a big show of fanning the air around her.

ah, you didnt need my help once today, or have you started going to Camp for help instead? Sh

uinted at me, whether to see me through her smoke cloud or to gauge whether I was lying, Im not sure.

No, I havent gone to Camp. You didnt help me today? I tried to remember as I pulled my little bla

ver book out of my apron excitedly. Looking through it with almost shaking hands, I thought back quic

all my tables, and tried to think if Id asked her for help. Suddenly my face fell, Wait, what about th

awberry milkshake I couldnt input?

e shook her head and took another long and exaggerated drag off of her cigarette, Nope, that w

sterday, today Ive been waiting and you havent come. You even input that cheeseburger ok while I w

nding there, the one where the person wanted their jalapeo poppers appetizers just put on top of t

ger.

that memory I laughed, Oh my gosh dude, that guy was so nuts! I was like why cant you just put them

he insisted theyd get cold. I shook my head, that was really hard to put in, and then to go into t

hen! I thought that line cook was going to grill my head, trying to get all those poppers to stay on t

ger.

now we were both laughing, and Lisa flicked her cigarette across the parking lot before sitting down n

me and nudging me with her shoulder, Well go ahead, lets see how much you made in tips today. Yo

t real day.

garded her for a moment, she seemed genuinely happy for me. I decided maybe Id been too hard ; I hadnt taken any time to get to know her after all, except that she was in college and staying here

summer, and had done the same thing, and worked here, last summer too.

xty five bones! Lisa said, after we finished counting out my tips, Not bad, not bad at all, you

sshopper, you learned from the best! she declared proudly.

offed visibly and she stopped preening and raised her eyebrows in question.

o, nothing, nothing at all! I laughed, putting both my hands up in surrender and put on my most innoce

e.

days were going by in a blur between working and beading at night, and keeping up with Hannah, a

en though I was more careful to kiss Adams picture before I left the house now after that one panicke

e, I realized I was feeling the pain of him being gone less.

body at work seems to know about what happened or if they knew, they didnt bring it up. A lot of the ki

nnah and I hang around on the beach have come to The Shack to eat and seen me working, so they strying to be normal and they seem to not be giving me as wide of a berth when they see me at Jerr

nfires anymore. Sometimes people will even joke around with me, or offer to make me smores.


22/42

ill havent told Hannah about working with Camp but it doesnt seem like Im going to be able to keep

m her much longer because Im standing at the hostess stand looking at my assigned tables for the da

en I see her walking up to the front door with Riley.

ey babe, she says as we quickly hug, I am such a bad friend for not coming here to eat while you

rking sooner, but she shrugged weakly.

ease, like I needed you coming here and laughing at me in this outfit anyways, I brushed it off. I w

ppy that she came, but unsure if I remembered seeing Camps name on the seating chart for today,

d to come in at the last possible second, and Hannah was our first customer of the day. I showed them

most hidden table in my section, but Hannah looked at it and then around the empty restaurant.

riously Anna, She laughed, were the only people here, or do you not have any tables in your secti

t arent next to the bathrooms?

lled my eyes, Kidding dude, just pick out of these five tables, these are mine. I pointed at them and h

d Riley chose and since there werent any other customers yet, I sat at the table with them.

fourth of July at Jerrys, have you heard they got The Lazy Monkeys to play there? Hannah gush

gerly at me.

o, I dont even know who that is I look back and forth between them, while they exchange equal looks

ror.

na, Hannah groans, weve gone over this, that screaming band that Rileys cousin knows from out

wn? She proceeds to try to whisper scream some of the words to the tune of whatever that one song

t she and Riley are always playing. When I nod that yes I remember them now, she looks at Riley w

miration that he could pull off something like this.

and up because I hear the front door open and I dont want to be caught sitting by any customers, not th

yd really care I guess but Hannah quickly lets me know that its not a customer who just walked in.

h my God! Anna dont turn around, Camp Steller is here!! She manages to say this quietly enough th

en I do in fact turn to look at Camp he grins over at me and waves and continues back to the kitch

a, not quietly at all). I turn around to Hannah slowly, biting my lip.

e works here? She hissed; clearly outraged that this wasnt something I felt the need to tell her.

cked up the salt shaker and shook it around, holding it up to the light to examine. Great, I could hear h

etly sobbing and Riley trying to comfort her. I wasnt sure Id prefer a crying Hannah to a hissing m

nnah and I wondered if free ice cream would cheer her up. I doubted it, so I pulled out the seat I had ju

cated and sat down, sighing loudly.

opped though when I heard why Hannah was crying. He just, he looks so much like him, she was cryi

o Rileys shoulder. I thought she was crying that I kept it from her. Im so selfish and such a bad friend,

urse shes upset at his resemblance to Adam.

ach across to rub her shoulder, Hannah, its ok, I thought that the first time I saw him too, but Ive be

rking with him and they arent really anything alike.

u, youve been working with him and you didnt think that was something you should tell me? I would ha

ked you out of working here, thats what best friends are for, you must be hurting so badly and I did

en know she sniffed into a napkin, eyeing me warily.

ats exactly why I didnt tell you, I can handle it, Ive been handling it five days a week now, and reall


23/42

dly even talk to him, we stay so busy, that I dont even have time to think about it.

and up and come around to her side of the table to give her a hug, and see that customers are in fa

rting to trickle in so I put on my overly enthusiastic face and offer to take their drink order. My acting li

in a position of authority works and Hannah smiles.

e rest of their lunch goes without a hitch, aside from Camp asking me while Im waiting for him to ring

order so I can use the computer, why the girl at my table keeps staring at him and looking like she

out to cry. I put my hand on his to make him stop putting in his order and after he turns to me I ask, D

u seriously not know?

furrows his brow, Well she does look familiar, but I dont think Ive dated her

bowed him and giggled before glancing at Hannahs table to see her watching us bug eyed, and I g

ious Actually Camp, its because she thought I mean, from a distance I guess, you she thinks y

k like Adam.

looked like I stunned him for a second. He looked at Hannah who was still staring at us, and then back

before saying quietly Well Ill take that as a compliment.

raked his hands through his hair, and turned back to his computer to put in his order. I couldnt help b

ice that his hair had grown a lot since we started working together, I dont think hes gotten a haircut, ho

g has it been, like a month now? Im trying to figure it out and as I wait for my turn for the compute

ace out looking at it.

a clears her throat audibly and I snap out of it and see that Camp is gone and Im just blocking t

mputer. Sorry Lisa, you go first I look down at notepad where Ive written the order for my table,

rient myself with it since Ive forgotten what they ordered, and also to hide my blush.

-huh, seems like you were distracted with Goldilocks She nodded in the direction of Camp who w

ck at a table now. His hair is pretty hot, but its bad business to get involved with a coworker, everyo

ows that she glanced at me before turning back to the computer and expertly keying in her order.

h, its not like that, I stutter.

nt it? You guys are always goo-goo eying each other behind each others backs, tripping over yourselv

keep away from each other, but watching each other from afar. She clasped her hands togeth

ckingly, its so dreamy!

mp watches me? I looked up to try to locate him again and he was walking towards us smiling.

ld you so Lisa said out of the corner of her mouth, before snapping her black server book shut aving to let me use the computer.

ut my order in with shaking hands and forced what shed said out of my head for now. I had to, it w

ting near the lunch rush hour and I already had Hannah here to entertain.

apter 7


24/42

nnah mentions at Jerrys that evening that Camp got hot. She looked around guiltily before she said it,

ke sure Riley couldnt hear us but he was still off getting us drinks.

mean, like, at first he looks like Adam but then just watching him I realized they dont really look that mu

e, and has he always been so cut? And that hair!

avent noticed, I lie, making designs with my feet in the sand, and more importantly, when am I going

those flip flops back, or have you forgotten they are mine? I touch her foot with mine to get her attenti

the purple flip flops I loaned her at the beginning of the summer.

e laughs, Anna, these have formed to my feet now, and look here, She brings a foot up onto her ch

d points at a purple glittery strap, I got fingernail polish on it, right there see it? I strain to lean in to see

dont.

ey comes back then, having a difficult time juggling three drinks so she jumps up to help and she is sav

m having to answer about my flip flops. Im just grateful I distracted her from talking too much abo

mp.

apter 8

the weekend of the 4 of July there is a festival down at the beach with crafts and food, so the restauranttty deserted despite the additional holiday weekend tourists. Lisa tells us the only chance we have of makient tips is if it starts to rain, and since the forecast is clear for the long weekend, the kitchen manager Bruce w

working today tells us we can fight over who can leave. Lisa looks pretty excited about meeting her friends downfestival so I shoo her out of the door and settle myself into one of the stools at the ice cream bar to watch TV at for customers.

er two bowls of brain numbing ice cream (or is that the daytime television?), Camp takes the stool next to meeveryone else to get out of here, Bruce said we can close at six today unless you know, we get a surge

tomers.

ok around dumbly, brain still frozen, and confirm that yes we are the only ones in the dining room. Camp sees tfused look on my face and jumps over the counter laughing, Youre spacing out over there pretty hard, wha, Judge Judy? Its no wonder; here lets find something better . Ah, cartoons, yes!

y, I was watching that I sputter halfheartedly, and reaching across the counter for the remote.

a holiday, he deadpanned, fixing me with those gorgeous green eyes, court is not in session.

ughed at his mock serious tone but didnt stop trying to grab the remote across the counter, I dont know whme over me, maybe my brain came out of its freeze too fast, but I was pretty sure I was flirting with him and he wghing and trying to keep the remote from me, and seemingly flirting back. Not that it was hard to keep the rem


25/42

m me across the counter, and eventually I gave up, and flopped back onto my stool to watch some cartoon er seen.

en he was convinced we had a truce, he scooped me more ice cream and made himself a monster of a bow to at least have seven scoops in it, and came back around and sat next to me watching TV in silence. Every n then hed turn to the door as if he thought he heard people coming, and then turn back around sighing into

wl.

y, remember how Adam always made us watch the hunting channel? I laugh, remembering how ridiculous it was

yeah! And he never went hunting, ever, he didnt even have a desire to go, I could never figure out if he was jng to gross me out or irritate me or what he was thinking. Camp shuddered at the thought of all the fleshy animd seen over the years I guess, but laughed with me.

ah and hed get a big old knife from the kitchen and pretend to follow along with their precision cutting up atever animal they had just killed, and if you tried to talk to him hed aim the knife at you warningly, he was such

w were both laughing hard remembering our Adam.

er a minute or so we both stop laughing and sit there in silence in our own memories. I break the silence first, w are you really doing with it Camp?

irst he tries to brush me off, that hes great but I remind him its me hes talking to, and he seems resigned a

s Yeah, your right, I guess Im ok now, but I wasnt doing too good for awhile, thats why I didnt come homeldnt deal with my parents grief, feeling like theyd rather it be me, and looking at me for answers I didnt have.

t my hand on his arm and squeezed, but didnt say anything. I didnt need to, I felt like he was the one person wld understand how I felt through all this.

u should come by and visit my parents sometime, I know theyd be really happy to see you theyve asked abo, and they dont get many visitors lately. Camp said this nonchalantly, but didnt take his eyes off the cere

mmercial on the TV and I could see his body was tense, waiting for my reply.

rugged, uncomfortable at the idea of seeing Adams parents, not that I dont have anything to say to them bomfortable at the idea of actually going to Adams house again, and of walking in front door where hed alwa

ve his gym bag waiting so that he could go play soccer at a moments notice.

ah, yeah! He said again, this time with more enthusiasm, Tonight were closing up here at six so since well bof here early, its perfect, you can come after work.

, well um, my car isnt working right now, so Im hoofing it and your house is kind of far, but maybe another time.

ally? He scrunches up his face and looks at me, whats wrong with it?

ont know actually, it was making these weird clicking noises when I was driving it and it just broke down on me tny times to be reliable, my insurance company said they wouldnt pay for any more tows.

shrugs, OK so Ill take you home and look at your car while you change out of your work clothes and well rre together.

uldnt argue with that logic, and I really could use someone I trusted to tell me whats wrong with my car so thachanic couldnt try to take me for a ride. That was part of the reason I hadnt taken it to get looked at by someo

w that I was making money, I didnt trust anyone, I mean you hear these horror stories about mechanics and hy will tell you that your steering goober gopper needs replacing, when thats not an actual part, or maybe it is part but its not even broken, and I just dont know enough to not be like yeah ok, sure whatever how much?,it sits in my driveway, collecting dust.

ve him a tentative smile, Thanks Camp, I would really appreciate that, but are you sure Im not keeping you frothing, like checking out the festival?

shakes his head fiercely, Nope, and like I said, my parents will be really happy to see you, in fact, let me call thet now and make sure theyll be there, not that they go anywhere anymore but you never know.


26/42

apter 9

e car ride to my house was kind of awkward I think, after I shower and peek out the window to see Camp still undhood of my car, but how could it not be? I think we both realized it on the way to my house and we were bo

nt until we pulled in my driveway and he asked me for my car key and told me to go take a shower and get read

as relieved Id have time for a shower, I didnt want the first time Id seen Adams parents in over a year to be wsmelling like The Shack, because even if I changed out of my work clothes, the smell and the shine from t

ase still clung to my pores and my hair.

er getting ready and kissing Adams picture goodbye, I grab two water bottles out of the fridge for us and rside to see how Camp is coming on my car.

ss him a water bottle, Well? Is it hopeless? I look under the hood and of course, nothing under there meathing to me, but I think it looks dirtier than it should. I look back at him expectantly.

wont meet my eyes and rubs the back of his neck making me wonder what the bad news is. Its not hopeless, not done yet. He grins and shows me his dirty palms, mind if I wash my hands before we get going?

ck away as if hes going to touch me with them, No, lets go in and then Ill lock up.

the way to Adams, or Camps house now I guess, I started to panic about seeing his parents and being in hse without Adam there. I tried to regulate my breathing without being obvious but that just made it worse, a

mp was giving me funny looks when I reached up to sniff his car air freshener, and when I took it off the rearvie

ror to inhale it deeply, he actually pulled over and came around to my side of the car and opened the door. I gand bent over at the waist feeling embarrassed but a lot better being outside. One part of my brain registerhe was digging around in his trunk. I saw his shoes approach me, and then he kneeled down and moved my h

ch I was wearing down, out of the way so he could see my face. He stuck a bottle of cologne under my nose and him gratefully. Eww though, he uses coconut cologne? I was starting to reconsider thinking he was cute, iously has some weird beach boy fetish. Those distracting thoughts and smells though made me forget mathing for a few minutes and I was able to stand upright again.

looked at me and half smiled, OK now?

face was bright red and my eyes burned with embarrassment so I looked away and nodded. To my surprise ched out with his pointer finger and turned my face back to him, Its ok, I used to have panic attacks as a kid

w out of them but, he shrugged again, looking for what else to say they are common enough, is this a new thce Adam?

odded and he sighed and took his finger off my chin. After he did, I ached for him to put it back, and theretted that thought immediately, I was going to Adams house, to see Adams parents, I shouldnt be here wantiolder brother to comfort me.

ck in the car he told me about his panic attacks as a kid and how he grew out of them, and how he used to havedistracted too, but that smells werent important to him, but in his parents research, they thought smelli

mething might make him better so they used to stick things under his nose until he finally screamed at them oe to stop.

conut though Camp?

hats wrong with coconut? He looked hurt.

unno, its a little


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was the only car fragrance they had left besides something berry scented and besides, it reminds me of hoen Im at school.

r scented? I thought that was your cologne.

looked at me disgustedly, Eww seriously Anna? He shook his head, What do you think I am, a girl?

emed to have ruffled his feathers, and he assured me repeatedly that it was air freshener for his car.

as having such a good time teasing him about it I didnt register us pulling onto their street until we were in theway. I gulped and looked at the house without making a move to open my car door. Camp reached over a

k my hand and squeezed it, and I looked down at our hands clasped together in my lap, before looking at him. Hs were flickering back and forth across my face, as if trying to read me, and when his eyes met mine and th

yed there, my breath hitched and I felt myself licking my lips and I didnt quite manage to close my mouth all ty afterwards. As if I was waiting for him to close the gap between us. That thought registered in me, leaving mcked at myself, and at the same time that I broke away from his gaze he pulled his hand back like mine was

ushed crimson; great he was trying to comfort me and give me support and encouragement to face his pare his house and I looked at him like I was waiting for him to kiss me, he probably thinks I am so disgusting, thers girlfriend trying to make a move on him. Not to mention Im a baby to him. I know hes only like a year andolder than me but hes in a college and Im still in high school. Growing up he always let us know that we were tng to really hang out with.

en my door and walk up to the house, hearing Camp close his car door behind me. I dont pause to wait for him around to look at him, afraid I might cry from embarrassment and frustration if I do.

e Stellers open the door before we even get to it, his mom, Dana rushes to hug me, and I breathe in her familell, smiling. When she pulls back, I see Darren, her husband, standing back awkwardly but smiling too and I rr and give him a hug too. I never made a habit of hugging Adams parents in the past, but it feels good being he

h them, and I guess it feels like we are closer than ever in a way.

na puts her arm through mine and leads me into the house chattering the whole time about dinner, and Im grateause as she pulls me through the front door and into the kitchen, I dont have time to stop and really look arou

ont have time to notice Adams gym bag isnt by the door, or that the house is cleaner with one less messy bo

t hes not bounding loudly down the stairs to meet me, or that Dana doesnt have to snap at him to turn the rawn since they have a guest now. I didnt used to feel like a guest in this house, I was just as comfortable cooking

kitchen as I was answering the door for guests and offering them something to drink.

w the kitchen feels foreign to me and Dana insists I sit before asking what Id like to drink. She gets me sweet teast thats something that they still have - that familiar sticky pitcher - and I smile. That was never Adams driugh, that was Camps, and hed always yell when Id finish off the pitcher, since Id never make tea to refill it. y make it after hed come looking for me, threatening to pull my toes until they cracked. Im not much for cussthat shit hurts.

ner smells delicious, that was always something to look forward to at Adams: meals. His mom didnt work, she wtay at home mom, and while that was annoying when we wanted private time, she didnt disappoint when it we to eat, and tonight was no exception. She had made her amazing meat loaf and I couldnt help but wonder if s

membered that it was my favorite. When she put my salad bowl in front of my place when she was setting the taugh, I realized that she did remember, because mine was the only bowl that didnt have olives, and touched by hdness I smiled to myself sadly.

gaze kept flickering to Adams empty place, but when we all held hands and Darren said the prayer before dinnasked God to keep Adam safe for us, and that he hoped Adam had something to eat in Heaven that he enjoymuch as Anna loves his moms meatloaf, and we all laughed. Camp squeezed my hand at the end of the prayore letting go, but so did Dana, who was holding my other hand so I didnt think much of it.

rens prayer seemed to really lift everyones spirits and Adams empty seat didnt seem as sad after that, his d always had a gift with words. Dana seemed really happy to have company and though she isnt a mess like Cade her out to be, I can see shes aged a lot. Darren was never one to talk a lot but both are smiling and engagiin conversation. Dana wants to know all about my school year and even asks how Hannah is doing. I guess snt been able to keep up with Adams gang of friends this year, and I vow to spend more time here. Dana ctly what Id want in a mom, and Id told Adam how lucky he was many times.


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mp doesnt talk much during dinner but that might be because hes shoveling food in his mouth like he didnt juat least seven scoops of ice cream at The Shack, and french fries, and who knows what else he was sneaki

m the kitchen. I cant get him to make eye contact with me either, but its not for lack of trying, and Dana notices mtinually glancing over there and laughs that hes been eating like this all summer, and that she guesses he miss

me cooking while hes at school even if he says he doesnt, and its a wonder he hasnt gained any weight. I cap but think of the ice cream and everything I saw him eat today but decide against telling her that he seems to

much even when its not home cooking.

er helping Dana clean up the kitchen, Camp says he should probably take me home, so I say my goodbyes, ae one last look up the stairs. I wonder what theyve done with Adams room, if theyve left it the same or if they

ned it into a gym or library or something.

the ride home, this song I love, Silver and Cold by AFI comes on but Camp changes the station almomediately and when I try to turn the station back saying I love that song, he blocks the radio with his hand. I lau

seriously Camp, pleeaassee, I really like this song, come on hurry up, its almost over, let me change it. I trych for the dial again and he grabs my hand this time to stop me. Seriously? Now Im annoyed, and I slump bathe seat and yank my hand out of his, staring out of the window.

sit in silence for a few minutes and then Camp clears his throat and turns the radio down, I made a playlisten to after Adam I know its stupid but that song was on it and now I cant listen to any song off that playhout getting into that mood I was in at that time, and thats just not a place I wanted to go to again tonight, tonigs so great, but I think I kind of went there anyways.

wow I say turning in my seat to face him, Im so sorry Camp, I thought you were just playing around at first, thought you were being,... well I dont know what I thought you were doing but Im sorry, I didnt know.

nods, Yeah I know, thats why I told you, Im sorry.

made a playlist too and I dont listen to it anymore because it hurts too much, so I understand what you mean, Augh? Really? I mean I guess I can see that, if I try really, really hard, I laugh.

shakes his head, You kids these days have no appreciation of music but I can tell his mood is lightened sse him some more, Appreciate?! I sputter, I just said I love that song, I just cant imagine putting it on a playlist

member Adam by or be depressed to.

and let me guess, your playlist is all Miley Cyrus and depressing country songs? He scoffs.

ey give me some credit, not that I have anything against Miley, but no, Kaluha Cranium is a little deeper tht.

luha what? He asks confused.

, um thats what I named my playlist. I hold my head up high and dare him to challenge my playlist name ng subpar or stupid but he doesnt.

na didnt mind if wed drink a little bit if we were staying in, and so after dinner sometimes we would drink Kalue we were playing that board game Cranium, I guess I wanted to name the playlist something upbeat. I thoug

ut naming it Before Adam, or After Adam, or Making Love in a Tree Fort, but Kaluha Cranium reminded me nings spent as part of Adams family, sprawled out in their living room, and watching Adam try to silently act o

es for whoever his teammate was. When it was me I just laughed at him too much to get any of the answers rius to advance, and when it was Camp, Camp always yelled at him for being a bad actor, while I laughed at thh, and they didnt get any points then either.

mp breaks my train of thought by asking Wheres your mom?

ok up at my dark house and notice that he hasnt asked where my dad is and realize with a pang that hes not jboy, hes been in my life a long time, through Adam, but still. I tell him with a sigh She has a new boyfriend and

er home anymore. Im grateful that he doesnt say anything about that, I guess he knows enough about ms habits to not expect anything different, and instead he just opens his door and tells me gruffly that since the

t a light on outside, hell walk me to the door. I put my hand on his arm to stop him, since that seems a little te-like for me and he seems to come to the same conclusion because he puts his feet back in his car and insteks his high-beams on my front door and grins at me.


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mile back Thanks for suggesting tonight, I really needed it, although I guess I wasnt brave enough to go on mn, but now Im going to make sure to go visit them a lot more, especially during the school year; your mom seemly sad that she was out of the loop of the happenings at school and about how everyone is doing.

nodded, Yeah, I cant blame you for not being brave enough, Im their son and I couldnt even come home froool for Christmas.

ell maybe that will change next year I say quietly, looking at the peeling paint on the front of my house, all lit up bright headlights.

ell hey, he says, changing the subject, Ive gotta come back with more tools and work on your car, but I obvioust tonight since its dark out.

ll out my phone when I get in and realize my phone is dead, so I charge it while I take my makeup off. I have twsed voicemails from Hannah so I call her back, and Hannah can tell something is up, and demands to know wso happy. I laugh Hannah what are you talking about, Im not allowed to be in a good mood?

e replies Anna, your never happy. Youre just kind of blah, not that I dont still love you, its just who you are thes.

ke offense to that but blow it off. It must just be that I had an easy day at work which was nice and they let us oy.

ait you got out early and you didnt come to the festival? Now its Hannahs turn to sound offended since I knwas going to be there with everyone and she was disappointed that I said I couldnt go since I had to work.

ell, then Camp decided to check out my car for me if I went to dinner at his parents.

nnah says Whoa hold up, repeat? You went to see Adams parents with Camp? She whistles. I hear talking in tkground and Hannah repeats what she just said to me.

stling with embarrassment I say Riley is there with you? Dont tell him it was like that Hannah, it wasnt like that.

calm down, hes not saying anything bad but do you think he like, likes you?

d Hannah, no, of course not. I dont bother telling her Im worried that I might be falling for him, and tell myst its ok that I didnt tell her because she didnt ask.

K, Im just checking because that would be really inappropriate and I know you have it hard enough as it is wryone at school, imagine if you got together with him, then youd be like a social leper or something.

ah, its not like that, we just work together anyways, you called? I feel bad that I cant disguise the annoyancevoice.

st wanted to see if you wanted to go to a movie with us but Riley says someone texted him that it was sold out re just gonna go to Jerrys do you want to meet us?

, Im just going to bed I have to work early.

e but dont pull that shit again tomorrow, you better come to Jerrys, dont forget The Lazy Monkeys are playire.

er we get off the phone awkwardly I feel guilty snapping at Hannah who was just trying to look out for me and I fn worse for having such a great time with Adams family when hes not here to enjoy them, which makes me thut how my stomach flip flops whenever Im around Camp, like tonight at dinner, or on the car ride homrwards, which makes me feel even worse, so realizing my good mood is ruined, I put on Kaluha Cranium and ged to stare at the ceiling and allow myself to be taken to sleep by tears of loneliness.


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e next day at work Camp is visibly cheery and happy to be around me and even says he has a surprise for ch Im scared to see because what if he likes me like that now. Its bad enough that I think I might like him; us likih other but not being able to do anything about it would be torture. Stupid Hannah putting these ideas in my he making me super aware of Camp now; like I notice that he comes into work a little earlier than usual, and t

s whistling and helps me do my prep work. He doesnt even get discouraged when I dont talk to him while weing up for the day, and even presents me with a bowl of strawberry ice cream to eat for breakfast. I ask, relieves is my surprise?

laughs, No, your surprise is much better than ice cream.

ats what I was afraid of; however, I never turn down free ice cream as a rule so I sit down and rush throughore we officially open for the day.

wont tell me what my surprise is until the end of the day and the anticipation is killing me, though I feel my dreunting by the hour also and I wrack my brain all day trying to figure out what the gift could possibly be. Hes nevd me any unusual amount of attention at work; if he flirts with anyone its Audrey and he even tries to get Lisale sometimes, but me, Ive always just been a coworker, a pal, until today.

a notices, and corners me in the bathroom, What happened after I left you guys here yesterday? Did you guke out in the walk-in?

h, no!

en what happened because hes following you around like a puppy dog today, and Im pretty sure he was evstling earlier, wait, what is that on your neck? Is that a hickey?! She reaches in to get a closer look and eveic and look in the mirror. No hickey of course, just the creeping red hives of embarrassment starting up my nec

wat her away, Lisa move, my table is waiting for their mussels, they are probably up. I try to step around her bblocks me easily.

oo my muscles, she puts extra emphasis on muscles and continues, while flexing hers, I bet I know someoo will give you their muscles if they havent already. She waggles her eyebrows at me suggestively but also I nostioningly.

a youre sick, hes my dead boyfriends brother. This time I shocked her silent and she moved to the side and

pass quietly.

the rest of the afternoon I couldnt help but notice Lisas curious gaze on us, and even though I thought Cams really cute when I saw hed drawn me a smiley face in ketchup on one of my tables, I tried to avoid doing anythincourage his hanging around me.

er my last table had gone and I was getting ready to leave, he caught up with me outside. He bounced on his hetedly (and adorably) with his hands behind his back and gave me a Steller grin, Close your eyes.

mp, I dont want to play. It sounded weak even to my own ears; I was dying to know what he got me even if I wading it.

come on, just do it, for me? He turned on the puppy eyes and I sighed and closed my eyes and held out mped hands. He dropped something into them and I opened my eyes, excited and grinning. My grin quickly fadugh then I saw a blue flash drive in my hand and I held it up to look at it. Two gigs er, thanks Camp! I tried ke myself sound enthusiastic and grateful but really - what the hell.

rolled his eyes Its my playlist for Adam you know? I couldnt figure out how to make the name of the playlk so just name it Thicker than Water when you put the songs on your computer, thats what its called.

geez! Wow Camp thanks, I said, my eyes bulging out of my head now at the flash drive. This is better ththing I could have imagined, thank you so much.

laughed, You should have seen your face when you thought I gave you a flash drive as a present. Thats t

e I make when my grandma hands me the box with one of her famous homemade sweaters every Christmas, she can see the look on my face anyways.

ugh with him, remembering those sweaters Adam and Camp would be wearing on Christmas when I came over


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hange presents with the Stellers; they would hide in the dining room and take turns scratching each other, andp them since I had fingernails and they were both in such distress, Yeah well she just needs new glasses.

e you kidding me? She needs new eyes Anna, actually no, because then she might see me breaking out in tes from scratching so much.

both grin at each other, and he opens his arms and instinctively I go into them for a hug. I breathe him in, ae that Im not being obvious, but I cant smell anything past the greasy Shack shirt. I only come up to his ch he rests his chin on my head, Im so glad we both ended up working here this summer Anna, youve helped m

much.

ll back and he lets me go, How have I helped you? Aside from dinner last night we havent even really hung ll.

, Ive seen how strong youve been and I dont know, its just really inspired me. Whenever a customer thognizes me that I havent seen since before I left says something to me about it and I want to break down, or yelm to shut up and leave me alone while Im working, I just look over at you and your always smiling at your table, tter how many bratty kids, or adults for that matter, that they have with them, and it just gives me strength. Ifent for you I probably would have quit a long time a

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94299917 After Adam Katie Aleo