Central Iowa Chapter 2741 Hickman Rd. Des Moines, IA 50310

FEBRUARY 2018 VOLUME 20 NO. 2

“WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE!”

NEXT MEETING: February 6, 2018 7 – 8:45 PM

Hamilton’s on Westown Parkway

**Large Chapel Area or Butterfly Reception Room**

3601 Westown, West Des Moines, IA

Go west at the corner of Valley West Drive and Westown Parkway. Hamilton’s is located on the northwest corner of

36th Street and Westown Parkway. Entry to the parking lot is off of 36

th Street, on either the south or north side of the

building. The facility will be open at 6:30 pm for anyone who wants to come early to share or for new people to fill

out papers and get information folders.

PROGRAM: Looking Back, Looking Ahead — What is the Future of our Chapter? We will take a

look at our chapter’s management last year, the status of our chapter going into 2018, and what the

chapter needs to remain viable going into the future. For members who have been curious as to

how the chapter is organized and functions, this will give them some insight into the workings that

take place outside the chapter meetings.

INCLEMENT WEATHER

The winter season is upon us now with unpredictable weather. If the weather is severe the night of our meetings,

please use good judgment before venturing out. Listen to local TV and radio stations or check for cancellations

online; if most school activities and other events are cancelled, we will not meet. We will also notify Hamilton’s of

our cancellation by 5 p.m. on meeting date (515-224-0078).

TELEPHONE FRIENDS:

We have all experienced the pain of having a child die. We understand and care and would like to hear from you. The

parents listed below have offered to listen and share those difficult times we all experience. If you are having a bad day,

would like to share a memory, or need reassurance that what you are feeling is “normal,” please call a telephone friend.

Ruth and Dave Carlson Michael) (3 months), congenital heart defects 515-224-0720

Karen Wiederholt Nicholas (3 months), sudden infant death syndrome 515-274-3584

Larry and Linda Vavroch Larry II, stillborn 515-278-5963

Paul and Joyce Scranton Brian (22 years), suicide 515-965-2467

Dick and Diana Sosalla Nicole (20 years), sudden death, illness 515-367-3077

Jennifer Ryan Premature birth 515-779-9449

EMPTY ARMS – A self-help group within our TCF chapter for parents experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. Facilitators and Telephone Friends: Jen Jacobe jjacobe15@gmail.com

Ginger & Dale Johnson 515-226-3143 277-7502

Betsy Lundy 515-277-7502

SIBLINGS – Any person who has had a brother or sister die is invited to attend our regular chapter meetings.

Facilitator and Telephone Friend: Vern Bradley 515-277-6432

The passage of time alone does not cause our grief to end, but its softening touch helps us to survive. ~ Wayne Loder

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CHAPTER AND NATIONAL INFORMATION

Central Iowa Chapter:

Chapter Leader – Merry Bradley – 515-277-6432

Newsletter Editor – Judy Jarboe - jjarboe@mchsi.com

Chapter Advisor –

Chapter Website – http://www.tcfdsm.org/

National Office:

Address: The Compassionate Friends, Inc. P.O. Box 3693

Oak Brook, IL 60522-3693 Phone toll-free: 1-877-969-0010

Fax: 1-630-990-0246

Website: www.thecompassionatefriends.org

We encourage you to use the national website as a resource for information regarding recommended reading

materials and other supporting information. It is also a link, 24 hours a day, to chat rooms specifically

for bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings.

“ . . . We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends.”

IN LOVING MEMORY . . .

There are no dues or fees to belong to The Compassionate Friends. We have all paid the ultimate price—the

loss of our loved ones. Through “love gifts,” parents and others who wish to may provide financial support for

our chapter. We are grateful for these gifts and use them in our chapter’s work to be there for others.

ROBERT WIEDERHOLT and KAREN WIEDERHOLT

In memory of their son, ADAM J. WIEDERHOLT

GENE and CHRISTY MCCOY

In memory of their son, MATTHEW MCCOY

TAYLOR PORTER & KELVIN WOODS and WILLIE FOSTER and

DIANE PORTER

In memory of their daughter and granddaughter, AVIANA WOODS

MEREDITH CORPORATION EMPLOYEE CONTRIBUTIONS PROGRAM

on behalf of MERRY and VERN BRADLEY

In memory of their daughter, TERRI BRADLEY

WELLS FARGO COMMUNITY SUPPORT CAMPAIGN

Thank you!

Send love gifts for Central Iowa Chapter of TCF to:

Central Iowa Chapter TCF Due to printing requirements, to ensure your “love

Anne Gehrke gift” acknowledgement appears in the newsletter

4105 73rd Street edition you want, please be sure your gift is sent by

Urbandale, IA 50322 the first of the prior month. Thank you!

Love gift checks need to be written in either blue or black ink. DO NOT USE MARKERS since the bank

cannot make out the information on checks written with markers in order to credit them to our chapter’s account.

MINUTES FOR JANUARY 2018 MONTHLY MEETING

Fourteen attended the January 2018 meeting of the Central Iowa Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. We welcomed

two new members: Hannah and Chaz Robinson, attending in memory of their daughter, Quinn.

The holidays are a difficult time for everyone on their grief journey, but there are also times of smiles with the good

memories. We met as one group with wonderful discussion on thoughts of who our special person would be today:

appearance; who they would look like; personality; what they might be doing as their lives progressed. The discussion

brought smiles, as well as tears. Many ideas were brought forth that can honor the memories of our children in beautiful

as well as helpful ways. Whatever the honor, our children would be proud of us as we are of them.

2 ~ Merry Bradley

The Surviving Child

How hard it must be to physically lose your brother or

sister and emotionally lose one or both of your parents. Yet

the surviving child deals with this most of the time. We, as

parents, speak of how a part of us died and will never be

the same. Who is more aware of this than our children, no

matter what the age—even as an infant we can sense a

difference in someone's touch or voice. Our children have

spent most of their lives trying to "figure out" and "deal

with" us.

Now all of a sudden, they find they have lost all knowledge

as to how we will show our emotions, interact with others,

and most important, relate to them. We cannot even be sure

of our stability when grief strikes us; yet the surviving

child must learn to adapt quickly.

Here are a few suggestions to help the surviving sibling

cope with a world that has been changed sometimes in a

matter of a few seconds.

❖ Acknowledge the need for honesty—do not try to hide

your grief from them.

❖ Avoid the non-supportive individuals who rob both

adults and children of their right to grieve.

❖ Provide a time when age appropriate release of grief

can be experienced; such as drawing, writing, playing

with others, or simply acting out their emotions.

❖ Provide good role models for them—other bereaved

siblings.

One of the hardest things I have done in my life is to bury

a child, but the next hardest thing has been to parent the

surviving siblings.

I wish you patience and understanding while you are faced

with this enormous job.

~ Andrea Simoni

TCF, Cumberland County NJ

ADDRESS CHANGE? ? ? Many newsletters have been returned from the post office marked “Unable to deliver; no forwarding

address.” I do not have phone numbers for many newsletter subscribers to verify their addresses, and Google DOES NOT offer

adequate information to resend the newsletters. YOU are responsible to notify us of any address change when you move if you want

to continue receiving the newsletter. 3

Webster’s defines “compassionate” as: “Active sympathetic

concern for the suffering of another; mercy.”

Lovingly known as TCF, The Compassionate Friends embodies

this as the center of what we stand for: there is compassion for the

families who are in the darkest and most frightening stage of grief;

compassion for friends who are journeying this path at our side.

We stand at the center of our grief—it surrounds us, penetrates us

and engulfs us for a very long time. TCF offers a safe place to

express our pain without judgment. We understand and share the

loss that echoes in our lives. Each path is unique, but we stand

shoulder-to-shoulder in support and friendship as we help each

other along.

But what about the compassion we express towards others in our

lives? We often discuss things others say as they try to “comfort”

us:

At least you still have other children . . .

God has His reasons . . .

Maybe it was for the best . . .

I know how you feel, my _____ just died, too . . .

You’ll get over it, give it time . . .

As a bereaved parent, these simple phrases can set off emotional

waves of anger and frustration because the deepest and most

profound pain that lies in our heart is not being acknowledged.

But how can one acknowledge what one does not know?

A lesson I’ve learned since Tony died seven years ago: Grief is

isolating. One cannot truly understand the depths of despair and

loss unless they have walked in our shoes. Often they want to help

fix a situation that cannot be “fixed.”

What if we look past the words and see that they care about us?

They feel helpless because it cannot be fixed and yet see us

suffering beyond imagination. What if we were compassionate

towards them?

Compassion for ourselves is a good thing, too. Be gentle. Go

slowly. It’s a whole new world living without the love, the

dreams, the hugs from our child. When we open our hearts to

compassion and include ourselves, it is easier to be compassionate

towards others—remember they are feeling helpless, too.

As our hearts grow stronger, we begin to remember more the life

and love of our child rather than their death. It is this love that

carries us forward—for we will always endure their loss.

As we nurture and grow the seeds of love our children planted

deep in our hearts, and as we reach out to family and friends, we

appreciate the beauty of life and spring peeks into our hearts.

Compassion grows.

~ D. Barta, TCF Portland, OR

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There’s a Valentine

Waiting for You

There’s a Valentine waiting for you, That’s different from all the others.

It’s there every month at our meetings Of heartbroken fathers and mothers.

Its envelope is made of caring, The glue of understanding seals it tight.

This nonjudgmental group who’ve “been there”

Help to take away your fear and fright.

So, come join with us together, Read your loving message printed clear,

In not only this month’s valentine, But all those throughout the year.

~ Mary Cleckley, Lawrenceville, GA

I sent you a kiss today. Did you get it? I sent it by air mail. I

kissed my fingers and then opened them to the breeze and

watched it go. I tucked in some hugs and well wishes, too.

Did you get them?

I thought of you today. Did you know that? Could you feel

my arms around you? My thoughts caressing your shoulders,

my mind trying to reach yours?

I spoke to you today. Did you hear me? I spoke to you of

everyday things. I talked about how the clouds moved across

the sky, sending shadows whisking over the lawn that I had

just raked. I told you how pretty it looked as the leaves

swirled gently in the breeze. Do you remember the times we

lay together in the grass and just watched the clouds make

shapes in the sky? I told you about my remembering that

today, too.

I talked to you about how the sun sparkles on the water in the

pond and how the wind chime has the loveliest tones. I

wonder if you can hear them? I told you about my day, the

mundane little things that kept me busy. I ironed and dusted

and vacuumed and moved some things around ... mostly just

re-arranging things. I cleaned the blinds and polished the

silver ... just regular things—nothing special, except I thought

of you as I did them.

I told you about my Big Project and how far it seems to the

end. I keep thinking of new ways to get it finished and that

just makes the whole thing take longer ... but of course, you

know that about me, don't you?

I watched you today. Did you see me, too? I watched a puppy

scamper across the yard, tugging its young owner. I watched a

brand new driver trying to fit into a parallel parking space and

I laughed, remembering.

Do you remember things?

I saw an old lady and an even older man holding hands as

they crossed the street and the look they shared reminded me

of us. That secret sharing of something just between them ... I

missed you to-day. Do you miss me?

I planned the menu for the family dinner today and I asked

you what you wanted. Do you still like mashed potatoes and

butter, green bean casserole and cranberry relish? I baked two

pies and saved some dough for you, so you could pat it out

and fill it with strawberry jam and then bake it, making a little

"patty pan pie" just for you. Do you still do that, sometimes?

I counted the chairs and called a neighbor because I have to

borrow 2 more. Or I guess two people could stand or maybe

they won't come. I washed 3 loads of laundry and ironed the

tablecloth and put the napkin rings out. I wished you were

here to help, like you used to. You always put the napkins in

the rings just so and made them look so special.

I wore your sweater today. I hope you don't mind. It turned

cool and the breeze turned into a wind and I had to take the

wind chime in. The last bits of summer are gone now, packed

away until the next time around.

I found your blanket today, tucked way down in the cedar

chest. I was looking for the afghan to put over the back of the

rocking chair and there it was ... waiting for me. So I hugged

it and wrapped myself in it like you used to do. It was only for

a moment, but I thought I heard you in the next room so I

went to look. It was only the timer on the dryer downstairs.

But, for a moment, I thought it was you.

I saw you today ... in a hundred places in the house, the yard,

across the street, waiting in line at the bank and walking just

ahead of me at the grocery store. Why didn't you turn around?

Didn't you know I was there?

I sang to you today. I'm still not very good, but the

choirmaster says I am "enthusiastic". Maybe it will be my

ticket of admission ... enthusiasm should be worth something

somewhere.

I dreamed of you today and for just a little while, we were one

again. Hand in hand, arm in arm, head to head, heart to heart,

lives wrapped around and through each other, like two peas in

a pod, two puppies in a basket, two people in love. I haven't

stopped loving you ... have you stopped loving me? I hope

not.

I'll be ok. I am ok. It's just that sometimes, I want you here,

right here with me, not just in my thoughts, my dreams, my

prayers, my me. I want you here ... And then, you are. I only

have to touch my heart to feel yours beating. I only have to

whisper your name to hear mine spoken. I only have to count

my blessings, count the moments we had, to know I am rich

beyond any man's measure. We were and still are and that's all

I need. It wasn't enough and it will never be enough, but it

was something, and for that, I am forever thankful ... today,

tomorrow and always.

I sent you a kiss today ... and you sent one back. Thanks ... for

the little while.

Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone Autumn/Winter 2016

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FEBRUARY

Let this cool and gentle month of the heart remind you not only of lost treasure, but also of riches (past and present) in your life

VALENTINE’S DAY

Did you know? When we truly listen to each other, we are saying ~ I love you ~

GRIEF

Grief is the ceremony of lost treasure. Grief is the homage you pay to the love you were once blessed to share. Grief is not an enemy.

Small things can be

great comforts.

Remember the smallest things

they will make you smile

Soon.

WHAT WILL YOU FIND?

In everyone there is a secret place where the sorrow of a lifetime tries to hide from the painful touch of recognition. Good friend, if you share your secret place what will you find?

The Heart Remembers Always

WARM WINTER DAY

How welcome right now, right here -- at the beginning of one more year -- is this day with a kindness like summer.

Memories shine in the sun: right here, right now, out of the gray we call winter warms you: The thought of a child.

SUNSHINE THOUGHT

Deep in winter, my friend,

when life is darkest,

it is very important

to try thinking

one small sunshine thought

every morning, early.

Try your best.

When our special sadness

comes to call,

When we remember

more than we can bear.

When courage falters –

shadows everywhere:

then let us reach

and touch and share,

We, who are friends.

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FEBRUARY QUESTION

Is this our season more than some other time

of the year? Is it?

With winter dancing out and in,

freezing and melted snow one more time?

Is this the season between death and life?

Is it?

With sorrow struggling in and out,

killing the torch of hope one more time…

(Be patient, spring is certain.)

As long as I can, I will look at this world

for both of us. As long as I can, I will laugh

with the birds, I will sing with the flowers,

I will pray to the stars, for both of us.

MESSAGE

When the child you have cherished is taken,

when the light of that promise is gone,

when the faith which sustained you is shaken

and your days stumble painfully on,

When the sorrows of loss are unending

and your God seems forever away,

find the message your lost-one keeps sending:

words of loving and thanking and mending...

let your child shape the peace of the day. In memory of Sascha Wagner

(August 4, 1927~December 9, 2003)

WINTERSUN

There are those days in winter when your world

is frozen into a vision of eternal ice, when earth

and air are strangers to each other, when

sound and color seem forever gone. There are

those days in winter when you feel like dying,

when life itself surrenders you to anguish, to

total mourning and to endless grief. And then it

happens, from a bitter sky, a timid sun strides

to his silent battle against the gray and hostile

universe. It changes ice to roses, sky to song.

And then it happens that your heart recalls

some distant joy, gladness from the past. A

slender light, then larger, braver, until your

mind returns to hope and peace. Let memories

be beauty in your life, like song and roses in the

winter sun.

Our Beloved Children Remembered in February Lighting a candle, cherishing a birth . . .

Benjamin Bieghler Son of Randy and Marlene Bieghler

Danielle Bunning Daughter of Chris Bunning and Twyla Wisecup

Colin Clutter Son of Brenda Clutter

David Conner Son of Robert and Susan Conner, brother of Rob, Jennifer, & Michael

Blake Dix Son of Jennifer Jacobe, brother of Bryce and Evan

Taylor Renee Edvenson Daughter of Lisa and Jim Edvenson

Aaron Edwards Son of Aaron and Donna Edwards

Kyle Foust Son of Linda Sorg

Tara Lei Freeman Daughter of Donna Scrimager

Callen Thomas Gentry Son of Damon and Shelly Gentry, brother of Nolan

Eric Gissell Son of Doug and Sheryl Gissell

Joseph Gowey Son of Jerry and Rhonda Gowey

Diana Avery Holland Daughter of Susan Strelecki

Kirsten A. Marie Jacobsen Daughter of Shirley and Jim Jacobsen

Brice Janvrin Son of Diane and Bruce Janvrin

Kelli Knauss Daughter of Rich and Ann Knauss

Belinda Lockhart Daughter of Barry and Louise Lockhart

Dustan Ludwig Towne Son of Dona Ludwig

David Manders Son of Charley and Barb Brindley

Scott Marshall Son of Russ and Mary Marshall

John David Mease Son of Barb and David Mease

Michael Steven Miller Son of Marty and Marsha Miller, brother of Lisa Miller-Zenger

Trent Miner Son of Dan and Joelle Miner

Dustin Nelson Son of Gary and Karolyn Nelson

Emily and Melinda Nelson Daughters of Peter and Laurie Nelson, granddaughters of Dale and

Ellen Jackson

Anna Nemetz Daughter of Mary Nemetz

Rebecca Lynn Ollivant Daughter of Kathleen and Scott Ollivant

Tom Pottebaum Son of Earl and Caroline Pottebaum

Franklin Augustus Sanchez Son of Vince and Gail Valdez, and Frank Sanchez

Anthony Shields Son of Christine and John Shields

Kelsey Strand Daughter of John and Joan Strand, brother of Adam, Tyler, and Stefan

Christopher Street Son of Mike and Patty Street, brother of Sarah and Betsy

Rachel Talbott Granddaughter of Jim and Pat Dinsmore

Ben Vorwerk Son of Laura and Jeff Vorwerk

Jessie Webb Daughter of Wendy Young

Adam J. Wiederholt Son of Karen Wiederholt and Robert Wiederholt

Lighting a candle, remembering a life

Dyami Bokassa Grandson of Patty Reynolds and Bob Henderson

John Boyer Grandson of Sharon Clemons

Amber Gandy Daughter of Doug and Cindy Gandy

Mary Hansman Daughter of Phyllis Hansman

Chuck Hastings Son of Verdina and Chuck Hastings

Jerrica Hilleman-Ruden Daughter of Jeff and Terri Ruden

James Arthur Hodson Son of Dave and Jeri Hodson

Mikhail Kern Son of Anne Marie Kern

Dawn Kaufman Lindberg Daughter of Delbert and Carolyn Kaufman, mother of Jenna and Nathan,

sister of Michelle and Aaron

Matthew McCoy Son of Eugene and Christy McCoy

Timothy McMullin Son of Richard and Alberta McMullin

Lynn Millar Daughter of Michael and Ruth Millar

Elias Ramos Husband of Marijo Barry Ramos, father of Cristian and Xavier Ramos,

son-in-law of Leo ad Beverly Barry

Julia Dawn Raymond Daughter of Nancy Raymond, sister of Heather

David Garner Seaver Son of William and Catherine Seaver

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Diana Shields Daughter of Christine Burkett and John Shields

Emily Ver Heul Daughter of Mary and Dan Ver Heul

Jeannie Walsh Daughter of Steve and Judy Walsh, sister of Patty Walsh

Cindy Wedo Daughter of Robert and Karen Havlicek

Tawnya Wilson Daughter of Dennis and Rhonda Wilson

Why not receive your copy of our monthly newsletter by email? Just send your email address (also include your full

snail-mail address with zip code) to the editor at jjarboe@mchsi.com. The email version is in pdf form and can be

opened on any computer regardless of operating system. And it is in color!

“Regardless of what you are feeling, you can be certain someone else in the room has dealt with the same problem.

We welcome discussion on both negative and positive subjects. Many times we have to deal with the negative side of grief before it can become positive. Come share with us. We care.”

8 ~ Marie Hofmockel