8 Lessons I've Learned In 12 Years Of Marriage
Posted:04/10/2015 10:30 am EDTUpdated:04/13/2015 11:59 am
EDT
This past weekend was our wedding anniversary and I've been a
bit reflective. I've learned a lot of lessons in my relatively
short, 12 years of marriage; the usuals -- like not saying the "D"
word, accepting that my husband doesn't always flush the toilet,
and that throwing wooden spoons at walls while cooking makes more
work for me than trying to prove how mad I was. But there are a few
important lessons I've learned (mostly the hard way) that have
truly helped save my marriage countless times.
1. Marriage is a cycle.
There will be good times, and there will be bad times. Ups and
downs. Hills and valleys. Don't think that when you're trudging
through a valley, your marriage wasn't meant to be or that you two
don't have what it takes to make it work. Hard times are normal!
I've learned that these are the times I grew to know my husband on
a deeper level. I learned valuable lessons when things weren't
going good for us. See it as a time to learn and grow and know that
things will get better again. No marriage stays awesome 24/7.
2. You'll have horrible thoughts.
There have been many times that my husband made my blood boil
and all I could think were things like "I can't be with him," "I
must've been wrong about the kind of guy he was," "I wish I could
just leave."Just becauseyou think these thoughtsdoes not meanyour
marriage is doomed or wasn't meant to be. It's normal to get
extremely upset and have these kinds of thoughts flash into your
mind. Just don't dwell there.
3. Marriage takes work, especially after kids.
Throughout the years, I've noticed the times my husband and I
grew most distant were the times when we weren't putting each other
as a first priority. Like a flower needs water, a marriage needs
attention. It starts to wilt when the two partners don't take time
to focus on one another. This is easier in the first few years when
you're still riding that "love high," but several years down the
road or after you've got very young children to take care of, it
can become real work. At times since having kids, my husband and I
have felt like nothing more than roommates who give a passing
"hello" and "goodbye" every day. (Alternatively, this is also the
time you'll find out whatreal love looks like).For us, making time
for each other every night, even just to watch a show, helped us to
start to reconnect. Doing things we used to do before kids, like
play-wrestle each other and go on dates were also things we started
doing again, and it helped so much! It's the little things after
you have kids that help you stay connected to your spouse.
4. You WILL mess up.
And your spouse WILL mess up. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And
then forgive again. Don't hold grudges, don't bring up their past
mistakes (especially after they've apologized and you've forgiven
them), don't dwell in the past, anddon't expect your spouse to be a
fairytale prince/princess. That's not reality so let it go before
it destroys your marriage. Humans make mistakes and that's how they
learn to do better. No marriage is perfect behind closed doors;
everyone has their issues and your marriage is no different. When
you accept that they are flawed andyouare flawed, you can drop all
of the unrealistic expectations on both of your parts.
"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Ruth
Bell Graham
5. You don't have to be joined at the hip.
I think at first in our marriage, I just didn't really get the
memo that we could have different hobbies and time for ourselves.
And then when I realized that having time to myself and doing the
things I've always loved totally recharged me and brought to life
within me the person he fell in love with, I saw how beneficial it
is to do some things apart from one another. Let your spouse keep
their friends and family... don't hog them. You're not the only
person who loves them. And even though you're married, you're still
two individuals who have some different interests; it's okay to
still "do you" after you're married!
6. Don't assume you know what they're thinking.
Ohhh man, this one has probably been my biggest downfall. And
it's only taken a million times of being proven wrong to finally
get into my head that,*gasp*I don't know what my husband is
thinking!! Yes, I'm actuallynota mind reader, even though all these
years I could've sworn on it. Every single time I've been certain
my husband was thinking something negative, turns out he wasn't. I
pegged him for guilty hundreds of times without concrete proof,
just basing it on my "sixth sense" and my social awareness
"skills". My best piece of advice -- just ask them. Don't make up
all kinds of elaborate scenarios in your head about what could
possibly be going on, what hereallymeant by that comment, etc.
Justask. Explain the way they've made you feel and let themlet
youknow what they really meant/said/did/didn't do/etc. Nine times
out of 10 you're going to be wrong. Assume the best of your
partner.
7. Respect him, cherish her.
I know this has been written everywhere under the sun, but I've
realized this to be true for our marriage. My husband wants to feel
respected and I want to feel cherished. Here are the
definitions:
Respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a
person.He wants you to see and appreciate what he does for you and
your family. He wants to be treated as ifyou think something of
him.
Cherish: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for.She wants to
feel loved and special in your eyes. She wants you to see what she
does for you and your family and for you to appreciate and admire
her for it.
After writing that out, it's pretty obvious we both just want to
be acknowledged and loved. Hard to do sometimes in the daily grind
of marriage, but really our core needs are very basic.
8. See the good.
This is thebestpiece of advice I've received so far in marriage
and it seems way too simple and trivial to actually work, butit
does. When you're going through a rough patch in your marriage and
you and your spouse just can't seem to connect, what you do is
(every day) take note of all the things they do that youlove.
Either mentally or on paper. Think of at least 10 good qualities
about your spouse every day. Even if it's things like "he took the
trash out," and hold back any bitter thoughts like "even though I
take it out every other time." Just focus on the good. Ten things a
day. Every time I've done this, my heart started to soften and I
started seeing him through loving (instead of accusatory) eyes. And
once they feel your positive and loving vibes towards them, they'll
also soften.
So to recap: the hard times bring you closer, you'll question
your marriage at times, your relationship needs watering, forgive
constantly, maintain your own interests, you aren't a mind reader,
respect and cherish one another, and always,alwayslook for the
good.
This post originally appeared on the blogPig & Dac. Follow
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6 lekcija koje sam nauila za 12 godina braka
07. 05. 2015. 19:34|Komentara: 35M.. /huffingtonpost.com|Foto:
Copyright: Profimedia.com, shutterstock
Autorka i blogerka, Desika Dimas, pie svoja ivotna iskustva za
mnoge asopise. Ona je za Hafington Post napisala tekst o lekcijama
koje je nauila za 12 godina braka.
Lekcije koje je ona nauila u braku
1) BRAK JE CIKLUS
Bie dobrih i bie loih perioda. Uspona i padova. Brda i dolina.
Nemojte da mislite da je brak savren ili da nemate ono to je
potrebno za uspenu zajednicu. Teka vremena su normalna.
Nauila sam da postoje periodi kada smo mu i ja na dubljem nivou.
Koristite vreme da uite i da se razvijate. Ni jedan brak nije
konstantno savren.
2) NA BRAKU TREBA RADITI, POSEBNO KAD DOU DECA
Tokom godina, primetila sam da postoje periodi kada se mu i ja
distanciramo jedno od drugog. Kao to je cvetu potrebna voda, tako
je i braku potrebna panja. Brak e biti slabiji u periodima kada se
partneri fokusiraju na sebe. Ovo je lake u prvim godinama braka,
kada ste i dalje izuzetno zaljubljeni, ali kasnije ete imati decu o
kojoj ete morati da se starate. Kada su dola deca, mu i ja smo se
oseali kao cimeri koji s vremena na vreme kau zdravo.
Za nas je nae vreme no, kada gledamo omiljeni program. To nam je
pomoglo da se ponovo poveemo. I dalje naemo vremena da radimo
stvari koje smo radili pre nego to su deca dola. Male stvari vam
pomau da ostanete povezani sa suprunikom.
3) ZABRLJAETE
I vi, a i va mu. Opratajte. A zatim ponovo opratajte. Nemojte da
vas usporavaju greke iz prolosti. To nije sadanjost i nemojte da
dopustite da vam to uniti brak koji ste vredno stvarali.Iza
zatvorenih vrata, ni jedan brak nije savren.
4) NEMOJTE DA PRETPOSTAVLJATE TA ON MISLI
Ovo je verovatno bila moja najvea greka. Trebalo mi je milion
situacija da bih nauila da nisam u pravu. Ne itam misli iako sam to
mislila. Svaki put kada sam pomislila da moj mu razmilja o neemu
negativnom, ispostavilo se suprotno. Pitajte ako vas neto zanima.
Ne nagaajte.
5) POTUJTE PARTNERA
Moj mu eli da ga potujem i ja elim da se on osea posebno.
6) OBRATITE PANJU NA DOBRE STVARI
Ovo je najbolji savet koji moete da dobijete iz mog iskustva.
Zvui prosto ali stvarno radi. Kada prolazite kroz teke situacije u
braku i ne moete da se poveete sa suprugom, napiite na papir ono to
volite kod vae zajednice. Mislite na deset kvaliteta koje on
poseduje. Fokusirajte se na dobro. Svaki dan napiite deset
pozitivnihstvari i brak e vam procvetati.
