7 Mistakes Men Make During Divorce · financial interest you have in it as an asset, but it can show the court that you’re perfectly able to maintain a separate home of your own

7 MistakesMen Make

During Divorce

i n l a w w e t r u s t . c o m

The Law Offices OfJohn DeGirolamo, Esq.

ContentsIntroduction

7 Mistakes Men Make During Divorce

1. Giving In Just to Get It Over With How to Avoid Giving Away Your Future

2. Arguing About Everything How to Avoid the Unecessary Back-and-Forth

3. Moving Out Before Talking to a Lawyer How to Avoid Losing Your Home

4. Giving Money Without Getting Receipts How to Avoid Paying More Than You Should

5. Failing to Respond to Legal Paperwork How to Avoid Having Zero Input in Your Case

6. Fighting Fire With Fire How to Avoid Burning Everything to the Ground

7. Not Creating Quality Time With Kids How to Avoid Losing Connections With Your Kids

Other Don’ts During Divorce

We Can Help You Through This

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Understanding Collaborative Family Law


IntroductionGoing through a divorce is hard. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever go through – and the last thing you need to do is slip up and do something that makes it even more difficult.

Unfortunately, many men make avoidable mistakes during divorce… and those mistakes can make a bad situation much worse.

We know because we’ve seen it.

But that’s why we put together this eBook: so you can avoid making mistakes that’ll make your family law life harder.

As you read, remember that you can call us for your case-specific legal consultation at any time. We’ll answer your questions and help you get the best possible outcome in your divorce – that’s what we do.

Call us at 813-301-4513 or visit our website to get in touch.

John DeGirolamo, Esq. In Law We Trust, P.A. 1005 North Marion Street Tampa, Florida 33602www.InLawWeTrust.com

7 Mistakes Men Make During Divorcewww.inlawwetrust.com

01 Introduction

7 Mistakes Men Make During DivorceEvery case is different, but we often see men making one (or more) of these mistakes:

• Giving in just to get things over with• Arguing about everything• Moving out of the house before talking to an attorney• Giving an ex money without getting receipts• Failing to respond to legal paperwork• Fighting fire with fire• Not building on quality time with kids

Sometimes it’s just a matter of looking at things through the long lens – in many cases, people make these mistakes because they’re only worried about right now and getting through the divorce as unscathed as possible.

In the following pages, you’ll learn about why these mistakes are so costlyand you’ll learn how to avoid them.


02 7 Mistakes Men Make During Divorce

Chances are pretty good that you have a friend or family member who signed away everything just to get his divorce over with. He let his ex have the house, the kids and the couple’s nicer car, but he took on the majority of the credit card debt and definitely got the short end of the stick.

What if you did that? It feels like you’d be making a clean break, which would allow you to move on to the next chapter that much sooner.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You can’t sign away your future just to escape the discomfort in the present. Your lawyer will advise against it, because he doesn’t want you to be left destitute once the dust settles after your divorce.

How to Avoid Giving Away Your FutureYour attorney will give you the guidance you need during divorce. When your spouse asks for things, like custody of the kids, the house or support monies (alimony), it’s important to think strategically. Divorce is a negotiation process, so it’s smart to give up things you don’t care much about to trade them for things you do want or need after the divorce. Also, don’t make it clear too early in the process what you do want because she will inevitably make that her “treasured possession,” even though throughout the relationship she “hated that thing.” Everything must start as negotiable.


1. Giving In Just to Get It Over With

03 Giving In Just to Get It Over With

On the other end of the spectrum from men who give in to get things over with, there are men who don’t care how long it takes – they just want to win.

But divorce isn’t a win-or-lose situation. Indeed, it can be very difficult to tell who “won,” and when the arguments ultimately affect the kids, no one wins. This process is a dissolution of a partnership, and like in business, there are laws in place to make sure it’s dissolved fairly. In Florida, the system is set up a little too fair for the women, but there are ways to combat that. Even if you wanted to use the court system to take everything from your spouse, the law and the court system are set up to make sure the same rules apply to everyone. It is important to pick your battles and win the war.

To that end, it is in your best interest to try to reach agreements with your spouse outside of court on what otherwise may be considered “small stuff,” meaning things you can ultimately live without in the long run.

If you can only communicate between your lawyers, that’s fine (and quite honestly preferred to keep everyone honest), but the point here is that every decision you and your ex make together is a decision that’s kept out of court. If negotiating out of court, the parties make the ultimate decision; when you are in court there is no guarantee a judge rules in a way that makes you 100 percent happy, so it is best to leave the judge very few decisions.

How to Avoid Arguing About EverythingGet into the mindset that divorce is not a win-lose proposition. You can both come out of this feeling like you got most of what you wanted. Be smart, be tactical, have a strategy and establish goals. You don’t have to be extra-generous with your soon-to-be ex, but you do have to be realistic and realize:• The harder you fight, the harder she will fight • Good-faith negotiating goes a long way • Reaching agreements together will keep the decision-making power in the hands of you and your lawyer, and not the judge


2. Arguing About Everything

04 Arguing About Everything

One of the biggest mistakes men make during divorce is packing up a suitcase and going to stay with friends until the storm blows over.

Don’t leave your marital home until you’ve talked to an attorney and weighed all your options.

You and your lawyer will discuss whether you can afford to leave, whether leaving will put your spouse in the position of a primary caregiver who’s entitled to child support and spousal maintenance, and whether you have a plan in place to see your children if you do move out. We will also discuss how some spouses make false allegations and seek injunctions to keep you from the house and the kids.

Moving out of your home doesn’t cost you the financial interest you have in it as an asset, but it can show the court that you’re perfectly able to maintain a separate home of your own (especially if you’ve rented an apartment) while also paying for the marital home – and it might be tough to get the court to order your ex to move out so you can have the house back after the divorce.

How to Avoid Losing Your HomeIn some cases, it does make sense for the husband to leave the house. For example, if you’re in an abusive situation and you feel like your safety – or your kids’ safety – is in danger, your lawyer will probably advise you to leave (with the kids, if necessary). If the situation in your home is intolerable and makes you really uncomfortable, or if you’re financially able to rent another place to live while still meeting your other obligations, your attorney might also advise you to pack up and move out. Your attorney can help you use your home in negotiations with your spouse while you try to reach a fair settlement.

We cannot stress this enough: these decisions must be made with your lawyer. The consequences of knee-jerk decisions in this situation are far too penalizing.

3. Moving Out Before Talking to a Lawyer


05 Arguing About Everything

It’s okay for you to pitch in and help your spouse with the house payment, give her money for the kids’ extracurricular activities or hand her some cash for incidentals. However, you have to be realistic when you do so – the money you give her is not likely to count toward the child support the judge has ordered you to pay unless it is properly labeled. If there is no way to prove the intent of the payment, then the law will probably see it as a gift for which you will not receive credit.

If you decide to give your soon-to-be ex money for any reason, make sure you leave a paper trail. Write a check or transfer the funds electronically – and get it in writing that the money has a specific purpose so if you need to, you can show it to the court. Use the “memo” line on checks to state the purpose and write legibly.

How to Avoid Paying More Than You ShouldYou always have the option to tell your ex no when she asks for money above the court-ordered amounts that you have to pay. If you want to give her money, run it by your attorney first. At the very least, make sure you have a record of the transaction so that in the future there is no confusion and you get credit for payments.

4. Giving Money Without Getting Receipts

06 Giving Money Without Getting Receipts



07 Failing to Respond to Legal Paperwork

5. Failing to Respond to Legal PaperworkOne of the most common mistakes men make during divorce is failing to respond to legal paperwork.

From a perception standpoint, if you don’t respond to legal paperwork or show up in court, it looks like you don’t care about child custody, giving up your assets and other important parts of divorce.

What if You Don’t Respond?

Failing to respond means your case can be decided by default. It allows the court to make decisions without your input because the judge can only hear your soon-to-be ex-wife’s side of the story. You have effectively lost your voice.

In many cases, the courts will assume that you can’t be bothered to deal with the divorce, or that you are accepting of whatever decision they make as to your children, assets, money and livelihood. Your spouse might get everything she asks for in the case – that’s scary! Once a judgment is entered, it’s hard to modify; for example, if you want to change the child custody and support payments that the court decided in your absence, then you’re going to be fighting a more costly, uphill battle in the future.

How to Avoid Having Zero Input in Your CaseGo see a lawyer ASAP. Your lawyer will make sure you respond to the legal documents associated with your case, and do so with the intent of protecting you. It all starts when you receive service that your spouse is filing for divorce – that’s when you should retain an attorney. When your lawyer asks you for information so he can respond on your behalf, give him what he needs as quickly as possible.


08 Fighting Fire With Fire

6. Fighting Fire With FireIt’s natural to want to fight back when your ex becomes combative. If she’s hurling insults, you want to deliver your own; if she’s taking everything that matters to you, you want to take everything that matters to her. These are natural instincts, and even if they don’t like doing it, people will resort to these tactics because they think they have to.

However, fighting fire with fire doesn’t work in a divorce case. Instead, it burns down everything you’ve worked for, including any potentially for fair settlement in the future. You won’t come out ahead – you’ll both come out equally behind.

Let’s say your spouse says you can’t see your children. It’s tempting (and even seems reasonable to some people) to threaten to withhold child support until she lets you spend time with your kids. In this case, legally, you’re

both wrong if there’s a court order in place. A judge will slam her for keeping the child from you and slam you for keeping money from her, which is effectively money from your child. Neither of the above situations is going to help today or tomorrow… and the judge will remember this.

How to Avoid Burning Everything to the GroundIf your ex does something wrong, let your attorney handle it. There’s a legal answer to everything that your spouse can dream up – and by not getting sucked in and trying to fight fire with fire, you’ll be able to keep yourself out of trouble while exposing her for what she really is. We know its difficult, but you have to trust that attorney knows what he is doing and how to use her fire against her.

Your kids need you more now than they ever have before, and as a dad, it’s your job to be there for them. If you’re like most dads, there’s nothing you want more than to be there for your kids – but the logistics are hard. You only have a limited time with them between work or school or other obligations, as well as sharing them with your ex and the emotional rollercoaster ride you’re on thanks to the divorce.

However, it’s extremely important that when you do have time with your kids, you make it count. They need to know that you love them and that your feelings for them will never change – even if they did change between you and their mother. The way you act with them now, when you’re at this crossroad in your life, teaches them how to deal with life’s curveballs as they grow up.

Equally important: co-parenting with your ex. It’s hard for kids to have two sets of rules across two different houses, and when there’s an imbalance, it’s natural for children to dig in and fight against the stricter parent. Talk to your spouse about co-parenting and keeping the same set of rules across the board so things are easier on both of you. Remember what we said in Chapter 2: Pick your battles and win the war.

How to Avoid Losing Connections With Your KidsMaking time to be present with your kids while you have them is absolutely essential. Keeping old traditions alive, making new memories and enforcing rules (even if you feel guilty or want to be “the good guy”) are all important. Letting them know you’re there to talk about their feelings, even when you’re having a hard time coping with your own, goes a long way toward cementing healthy parent-child relationships.


7. Not Creating Quality Time With Kids

09 Not Creating Quality Time With Kids

Other Don’ts During Divorce


10 Other Don’ts During Divorce

We have highlighted the most common and costly mistakes we’ve seen men make during divorce, but here are a few extras with unintended consequences that you need to be aware of:

• Bringing a new partner into the mix.Want to bring divorce negotiations to a screeching halt and have your ex go postal? Let your soon-to-be ex-wife know you have a new girlfriend. Talk about scorched earth! Let the dating take a backseat for now.

• Deciding not to hire a lawyer.Your ex’s lawyer will count on you not knowing your rights – and he or she will do what it takes to get your ex the best possible outcome, which won’t work out in your favor. And don’t forget that the judge used to be a lawyer, too. Don’t be the only non-lawyer.

• Draining all the money out of your joint bank accounts.The judge won’t look favorably on you absconding with all the money. Nowadays, it is too easy to trace money.

• Over-involving your kids.Kids don’t belong in the middle of the divorce, and they’re not your therapists or messengers; you’re the dad, and that’s what they need you to be.

• Using the court system for revenge.The legal system isn’t built that way, and you’ll end up looking like the bad guy (even if she deserves that title).

We Can Help YouThrough ThisWe know divorce is hard, and we don’t want you to make mistakes that make it even harder for you or your kids.

When you have questions or need legal consultation about your case, we’ll be here to make sure you’re moving forward with proper representation.

Call us at 813-301-4513. We’re always ready to help.

John DeGirolamo, Esq. In Law We Trust, P.A. 1005 North Marion Street Tampa, Florida 33602www.InLawWeTrust.com


1 1 We Can Help You Through This

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7 Mistakes Men Make During Divorce · financial interest you have in it as an asset, but it can show the court that you’re perfectly able to maintain a separate home of your own