7 Habits of Insecure People - And How to Change

Insecurity is as common as a cold. It's sad that so many people wander through life saddled with

the effects of damaging childhoods, traumatic relationships and events or real personal

shortcomings; all of which can burden a person with a lifetime of endless self-doubt.

But it doesn't have to remain that way. Any kind of change is possible if a person is fully

committed to doing so. Yet, the tragedy is that adults who are deeply insecure very often don't

realize how obvious their problem is. Others become experts at faking it, but the very act of

pretending usually highlights the issue to the rest of the world.

7 Ways to Spot Insecurity

Defensiveness

When a person feels she (or he) is not equal to others, the first way to respond is often to try and

bring others down. That way, she will have a false sense of superiority. This defensiveness is

conveyed in several ways such as

putting others down

always suspicious that people are looking down on her

easily discouraged

quick to defend herself even when no one has accused or made fun of her

over reacts to authority in a negative way

Arrogance

A natural outcome of feeling less-than others is to develop false pride. This is manifested by

bragging

acting as if she is better than others

needing to have more, be more, do more than others to feel worthy

judgmental of everyone in such a way as to make herself superior

unwilling to see her own shortcomings

cruel, cold personality

selfish

Needy

In order to feel adequate, many insecure people develop over-the-top needs that put them in the

position of having to be treated differently. They are high maintenance!

sick often with unusual or ongoing issues

require constant validation

often become highly jealous

"Quitter" Mentality

Insecure people often develop a track-record of not being able or willing to finish things such as

assignments, careers, school; even long-term relationships. Why? Because they fear that if they

do, they will be judged as not being good enough. Always afraid of rejection, they would rather

quit than take a chance that getting to the end of things might reveal them to be a fraud or

unlovable.

The opposite of this tendency is to be the 'suck up.' This is the type who has no boundaries and

will do anything for approval. This bottomless need for validation causes some insecure people

to be the butt of jokes in the workplace and victims of one-sided love affairs and friendships.

Fearful

Being constantly afraid and worried is a way of life for the insecure.

what if I fail

what if they don't like me

what if they find out what a phony I am

what if someone discovers my shameful secrets (the past, personal problems, etc.)

As a result, these types of people are never at peace, rather they are highly stressed, easily

agitated and usually pessimistic.

Angry

With all this negativity pulsing through them 24/7, it is no wonder insecure people are also angry.

They're mad at the people who made them this way, at the people who they perceive are judging

them (which is almost everyone) but most of all, they are furious at themselves for being such

losers. This is a lie, but it's their perception.

Tendency to either isolate or needing to be the center of attention way too much

People trying to cope with all these problems have two ways of coping - both are extreme. Some

people who are so afraid of rejection and being discovered as frauds will find solace in isolating.

By detaching from all that terrifies them, they settle for being alone. At least then no one can hurt

or make them feel worse about themselves than they already do. The truth, however, is that we

cannot escape our thoughts. Those negative messages continue to play no matter where we are.

The other extreme are those that feed on being in the limelight - constantly. This means they

must be the funniest, the sexiest, the loudest and sometimes the one who pays for everything. In

their minds, the continual adulation by his or her admirers serves as validation that they are

'winners.' This helps them forget how badly they really feel about themselves.

Both extremes can lead to other issues of addiction including

alcohol, drugs

food

spending

sex

television or other entertainment

They find that isolating and being the center of attention are just short-terms ways of escaping

their thoughts. They must 'numb out' with addictive behavior in order to function.

AKKK! That's Me! Now What??

The truth is most of us have some degree or another of insecurity imbedded in our personalities.

It's not a death sentence. A little can actually make us more determined to be a better person,

while too much can easily leave us feeling helpless and like a lost cause.

If you know that insecurity is running your life and causing you to make one bad decision after

another, you already have begun the painful process of changing. Realizing it's a problem is the

first step. Here are some steps anyone can take to become the person he or she wants to be.

1. Be mindful of your actions. This doesn't mean be paranoid and consumed with yourself.

Simply begin noting when your conscience tells you that what you're saying or doing is the

result of insecurity. Then stop. Of course it's hard. But you can do it.

2. When you've hurt someone with your words or actions, get in the habit of apologizing. Not

profusely - just simply. For example: "I'm sorry I did that. It wasn't right. I hope you can

forgive me." "Oops. That wasn't right. I'm working on changing that, sorry" Don't berate

yourself and go into a long reason why you're so messed up. Keep it clean.

3. Get our of your comfort zone. If you've been talking too much, spending too much, isolating

too much - what ever you are doing to make yourself feel better, stop. Instead, force

yourself to be quiet, turn down the opportunity to look like a big wheel by buying or

spending again. Go out - anywhere - if you've been alone too much. Just being around

people will get your mind off yourself, which can be an addiction in itself. If you hate being

alone, force yourself to sit quietly and read a book that is helpful to your recovery.

4. Get counseling to work out your issues. If a traumatic past or childhood is holding you back,

don't let another year go by in chains to it. People recover from their issues everyday. You

can, too.

5. Surround yourself with people who are on a similar path. AA and all its offshoots are

invaluable in offering validation, accountability and support. You'll soon see that you're not

crazy and you're not alone.

6. Seek a relationship with God. In doing so, you'll develop a new weapon: when you are

dedicated to pleasing a loving God, you can no longer get away with negative behavior

without regretting it.

7. Be easy on yourself. Of all the people you pick on to feel better, no one gets more of your

critical attitude than YOU. It's going to be a long process, but eventually, getting down on

yourself will seem boring.

8. Let yourself explore those things that get you excited, creative and feeling good about

yourself. Art, going back to school, exercising, going on a diet (and finishing it) are all

examples of challenging yourself in a positive way.

Insecurity makes us self-centered in the worst way. To overcome it, we have to take our minds

off ourselves now and then and develop compassion for others. In helping people around us be

their best, we not only make them feel better about being around us, but we begin to see

ourselves as giving instead of always reacting out of need.