7 Habits of Effective Families

7/27/2019 7 Habits of Effective Families

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The Seven Habits Of HighlyEffective Families

By Stephen Covey

Habit #1: Be Proactive

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose

our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness. We need a >pause button=that

we can press to enable us to stop between what happens to us and our response to it.

Habit #1 is the ability to act based on principles and values rather than on emotion or circumstance.

The ability to do this is based on four unique human gifts (1) Self-Awareness! the ability to stand

bac" and observe our lives thoughts actions etc. (2) Conscience ! an inner voice that helps us to

evaluate what we observe. (3) Imaination ! the ability to see something different from past

e$periences or responses. (!) In"een"ent will ! the power to ta"e action. Habit #1 is the "ey to all

the other habits ! the power to choose%

We must learn how to focus on things that we can do something about. There are things that we canbe concerned about &our circle of concern' but there are things that we are able to influence &circle

of influence'. We need to focus on our circle of influence.

How do we put this habit into practise( The )motional Ban" *ccount illustration is helpful. In our

relationships with people we ma"e +deposits+ &proactively doing things that build trust in the

relationship' or +withdrawals+ &reactively doing things that decrease trust in the relationship'. The

balance of trust in the account determines how well we will communicate and solve problems with

another person.

The following deposits need to be made

1$ Be %in"! using words or phrases li"e thank you, please, excuse me, you go first, may I help

you?,erforming une$pected acts of service ! helping with the dishes "ids etc. -inding little ways

to e$press love ! through notes e$pressing appreciation giving compliments.

2$ Aoloise! sayingI am sorry. We must agree on the right to disagree ! allow other people to see

things differently.

3$ Be &o'al to ose *ot Present! ot criticising or gossipping behind the bac"s of family

members. We must tal" about others as if they were present. We should choose to focus on the

positive rather than the negative. When we tal" about wea"nesses we do it in a responsible and

constructive way.

!$ +a,e an" %ee Promises! )$citement and hope is created when a promise is made. /arriage

vows and promises to ta"e care of children should be "ept.

$ .orive! When we forgive we open the channels through which trust and unconditional love can

flow.


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These deposits are based on the three ,rimary 0aws of 0ove &love that is unconditional' &1'

*cceptance rather than reection2 &3' understanding rather than udgment2 and &4' participation

rather than manipulation. We need to view every problem as an opportunity to ma"e a deposit

someone5sbad day is an opportunity to ma"e a deposit2 an offense is an opportunity to apologise

and to forgive.Habit #2: Bein /it te 0n" in +in"

The second habit involves creating a clear compelling vision of what you and your family are all

about. It is the principle of vision. The "ey is creating a family mission statement which is a unifiede$pression from all family members of what the family is all about and the principles that will

govern family life. We must decide what "ind of family we want and then identify principles that

will help us get there.

There are three steps to follow in creating a mission statement

Ste 1: 0lore wat 'or famil' is all abot

6et everyone5s feelings and ideas out on the table. The following questions are helpful

What is the purpose of our family(

What "ind of family do we want to be(

What "inds of things do we want to do(What "ind of feeling do we want to have in our home(

What "ind of relationships do we want to have with one another(

How do we want to treat one another and spea" to one another(

What things are truly important to us as a family(

What are our family5s highest priority goals(

What are the unique talents gifts and abilities of family members(

What are our responsibilities as family members(

What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow(

Who are our heroes( What is it about them that we li"e and would li"e to emulate(

What families inspire us and why do we admire them(

How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service!oriented(

In the discussion phase there are three ground rules &1' listen with respect2 &3' restate accurately to

show you understand2 and &4' write down the ideas that are generated.

Ste 2: /rite "own 'or famil' mission statement

ow you need to refine distil and pull together the ideas into an e$pression that reflects the

collective feelings of all those who contributed. It should be viewed as a rough draft ! as family

members need to loo" at it thin" about it live with it discuss it and ma"e changes to it.

Ste 3: se it to sta' on trac,It is the constitution of your family life. Habit number 4 will show how we can turn the mission

statement into a constitution.

* mission statement is valuable because it helps with parenting2 with the setting and meeting of

standards2 with the creation of bonds between family members2 and with the "eeping of marriage

and parenting vows.

When developing a mission statement avoid the following (1) 4on5t annonce it! everyone must

wor" on it and help to create it. If there is no involvement there will be no commitment. (2) 4on5t

rs it! the process is as important as the product ! it ta"es a lot of listening to one another. (3)

4on5t inore it! the mission must be translated into everyday living ! so you must always "eep itbefore you reflect on it and use it as a constitution for family life.


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Habit #3: Pt .irst ins .irst

The third habit is all about developing ways to turn the mission statement into a family constitution.

*lthough we may say that family is a priority in our lives we often reveal by the way we live that

this is not the case. Why( -irstly it could be that we are not really connected to our deepest

priorities. We are so easily driven enticed or derailed by other things. The role of parenting is a

sacred role ! when we are finished our career in the wor" place we will still be parents. 7econdly it

could be that our society is wor"ing against the family. /uch has changed during the past 89 yearsincluding popular culture laws the economy technology etc. 7hifts in the meta!structures are

dislocating everything. If we are going to prioritise family in the world today we are going to have

to create structures that will help. There are two structures that are essential

1$ /ee,l' .amil' ime

We need a specific time set aside each wee" ust for the family. The following things can happen

during this time review the calendar for the coming wee"2 discuss issues and problems affecting

the family &get suggestions and ma"e decisions'2 have a talent show2 shave a devotion or lesson and

pray and sing together. This covers the four main ingredients of a successful family time planning2

teaching2 problem!solving2 and having fun. The time should cover all four needs physical social

mental and spiritual. It could start out as ust a family dinner together

2$ 6ne-on-6ne Bon"in ime

The second structure to put in place is a time to be completely present with each family member

each wee". This is where the real wor" of family is done2 where the deepest nurturing of heart and

soul ta"es place where the most significant sharing the most profound teaching and the deepest

bonding ta"es place. Husbands and wives need a retreat time where they can get away from the

children and plan their future. ,arents need a time with each child where they create the agenda.

:ovey uses the analogy from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People of trying to fit roc"s stones

sand and water into a ar &in that order'. ;nless we get the roc"s in first we will never get them in.

If we put the advance prevention time into building relationships and investing in unifying and

organising our families we will spend less time trying to mend bro"en relationships save marriages

or influence children who are being powerfully influenced by social forces outside the family.


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Habit #!: in, /in-/in

The fourth habit is introduced with an overview of habits four to si$ which wor" together to help us

accomplish the first three habits. Habits > to ? also build on each other Habit > is the root ! it is the

fundamental paradigm of see"ing mutual benefit ! the nurturing attitude out of which understanding

and synergy grow. Habit 8 is the route ! the method or pathway that leads to rich interdependent

interaction. Habit ? is thefruit! the end result that is not +your way+ or +my way+ but a +better

higher way+. Together these habits wor" together to help a family wor" together to create new ideasand solutions that are better than an individual member could come up with.

While no one li"es to lose we often go into situation with a win!lose mind!set. The consequences

of win!lose on a family are devastating ! in fact no one actually wins when this paradigm is

followed &win!lose ban"rupts the )motional Ban" *ccount of family members2 and results in

children who grow up unable to ma"e healthy decisions'. If the paradigm is lose!win the result is

co!dependency which is also destructive &if we use a lose!win approach we may be popular in the

short!run but will find that we have no standard or respect'.


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Habit #: See, .irst to n"erstan"$$$en to be n"erstoo"

The fifth habit opens the floodgates of heart!to!heart family living. Before we see" to influence we

must first see" to understand ! ie. diagnose before prescribing. There are two primary causes of

misunderstand in a relationship we interpret the same event differently and we define the same

words differently.


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Habit #7: S'nerise

The si$th habit is the "ey to the development of genuine interdependence in the family. To synergise

is to create new solutions together ! it is seen where one plus one equals three and not two. Habits

number >8 and ? wor" together as follows In order for a family to be interdependent they need to

have mutual respect for one another by thin"ing +win!win+ rather than +win!lose+. Then they need

to listen to one another in order to truly understand each other before they see" to be understood.

When all parties are at the point where they are open to be taught and find new solutions they willthen be able to create new solutions that were either not possible earlier or were not considered.

The "ey to synergy is to learn to value and even more than this to celebrate differences. -amily

members need to believe that their differences are a strength and not a wea"ness in their

relationship.

7ynergy is creative teamwor"2 creative cooperation. It involves creating something new that was

not there before and could not have been created if we did not celebrate the differences. The process

in which synergy wor"s involves using the three habits &>8?' as well as the four human gifts self!

awareness2 conscience2 imagination and independent will'. It also involves using habit #1 where we

create a pause between what we hear and what we say in response. :ovey uses an illustration onpages 38 and 38 to show how this wor"s in practise'.

When a family develops a regular practise of applying these habits they develop a healthy immune

system. It helps them to deal with whatever challenges are thrown at them. * problem becomes a

vaccination ! where the immune system is triggered so that you never get the full!blown disease. We

can learn how to ta"e a problem a setbac" or fatigue and turn it into a growth e$perience that

ma"es the family more capable of solving problems of synergising. This healthy immune systems

will strengthen the family against four deadly cancers that threaten family life criticising

complaining comparing and competing.

:ovey stresses a second time in this chapter how that to function synergistically all the habits must

wor" together. They are not unrelated items that can be practised occasionally or independently of

each other. In our family we must be functioning proactively &habit #1'2 we must be living

according to our mutual mission &habit #3'2 we need to have one!on!one bonding times where we

build into each other )motional Ban" *ccount &habit #4'. Then we will be ready to apply the ne$t

three habits and develop creative solutions to problems that are mutually acceptable.

The following e$ercise is suggested to help a family through a specific issue that needs to be

resolved !" -hat is the problem from everyone.s point of vie/? This involves really listening to

one another in order to understand. /a"e sure everyone e$presses their point of view to their

satisfaction. &" -hat are the key issues involve$?ow you can loo" at the problem together andidentify the issues that need to be resolved. (" -hat /oul$ constitute a fully acceptable solution?It

is now important to determine the result that would be a win for each person. ,ut all the criteria on

the table refine and prioritise them so everyone feels represented. )" -hat ne/ options /oul$ meet

those criteria? 7ynergisearound creative approaches and solutions to the issue.

This process will help people to focus on the problem and the desired end result rather than their

personalities and positions.

Habits > 8 and ? used together is a powerful problem!solving tool. This strategy should be used

with everyday issues as well as potentially divisive and emotionally charged ones.


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Habit #8: Saren te Saw

*nything left alone will disintegrate until it reaches it most elemental form ! this is called entropy.

;nless we consciously attend to our family it will become disordered and deteriorate. We must be

ma"ing constant deposits into the )motional Ban" *ccount to ust "eep it where it is now. To

improve it still further we need to find more creative deposits that we can ma"e. :ovey draws on

the sharpening the saw analogy to suggest that we need to engage in regular family renewal by

creating traditions that will grow the family. He suggests the following

1$ .amil' "inner ! having a regular mealtime together is important. These are times of sharing

and teaching.

2$ .amil' vacation! the family is renewed when we plan anticipate and ta"e a holiday.

3$ Birt"a's ! as we create traditions around birthdays we e$press love and affirm family

members.

!$ Holi"a's! special days li"e :hristmas and )aster can be used to develop renewing traditions.

$ Interenerational activities ! many activities lend themselves to larger family involvement.

7$ &earnin toeter ! a shared interest should be found that family members can learn about.

8$ /orsiin toeter ! this could be at corporate worship gathering or in family devotions.

9$ /or,in toeter ! doing things around the home together.$ Servin toeter ! wor"ing on proects together bring meaning and fulfilment.

1;$ Having fun together ! enoying each other and the home environment.

These are activities that bond unify and renew the family socially mentally physically and

spiritually.

:ovey has one final chapter in which he draws together various insights from his different boo"s.

Here is a summary of the chapter.

The C habits are all about pro!activity. * family functions at one of four levels

1. Srvival ! here it is fighting to survive economically mentally socially or spiritually.

3. Stabilit' ! the family moves past survival and reaches a state where it is stable and dependable.

4. Sccessfl ! here the family starts to accomplish worthy goals together.

>. Sinificant ! here the family is involved in something meaningful outside of itself. They have a

sense of stewardship and responsibility to human"ind.

This is a movement from a problem!solving approach to a creating approach. To move a family

from survival to significance involves four family roles

1. +o"ellin! what our children see in us spea"s more loudly than anything we say.3. +entorin ! this is building relationships investing in the )motional Ban" *ccount. It is letting

people "now that we care about them and championing them. How do we do this( &a' empathise !

listen with your heart to their heart. &b' 7hare insights learning emotions and convictions. &c'

*ffirm them with validation appreciation and convictions. &d' ,ray for and with them. &e' 7acrifice

for them.

4. 6ranisin ! the family must be organised if it is to accomplish what it is trying to do. )ffective

systems and structures must be developed to help it accomplish what is truly important. This

reminds us of the family mission statement that we have set and the structures to realise our

mission ie. things li"e wee"ly family time and one!on!one bonding.

>. eacin ! this involves finding teaching moments to empower family members so they

develop the internal capacity and s"ills to live effectively.

:ovey spea"s of principle!centered family leadership


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1. 7etting an e$ample of trustworthiness ! modelling

3. Building relationships of respect and caring ! mentoring

4. *ligning our structures to our mission ! organising

>. Teaching empowering principles ! teaching

The four basic needs of humans relate to the four roles and the four unique human gifts

Needs Role Gifts

1. To 0earn &mental' Teaching Imagination

3. To 0ive &physical=economic'

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7 Habits of Effective Families