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Editor-in-ChiefPatrick Dooley

Managing EditorsDan Steinbacher Brian Dunning

Associate Editor Natalie VratneyNews Director

Amanda Parsons

Executive Section Editors Opinions

Noah KarpNews

Andrew J. LoyolaEntertainment Katie Wynne

Music Conor Izzett

IntuneMichaël Veremans

Literature Mike Guardabascio

SportsJ.J. Fiddler

ComicsAndrew WilsonCreative Arts Mike Turner

Random ReviewsBrian Dunning

Grunion Pineablo

Public RelationsMusic & Entertainment

Matt DupreeLiterature

Mike Guardabascio

Photography Editor Alisha Willis

Advertising Representative Elijah Bates

Graphic DesignBrian Dunning

Web DesignJeff Gould

Mary KoestnerCover ByJeff GouldCartoonist

Miles LemaireMatt Byrd

DistributionMike Guardabascio

Copy EditorNoah Karp

ContributorsKevin Malinowski, Elijah Bates, Victor Camba, Sean Boulger, Jeffrey Spafford, Jesse Gayda, Dominic McDonald, Casey Curran, Dayna Randazzo, Rachel Woodford, Joey Calmer, Giuliano De Pieri, Jen Perry, Regina Cher-ene, Christina Gallo, Erin Hickey, Jeremiah Mendoza, Jeff Fiddler Sr., Joe Mathieu, Christa Gallo,

Elisa Herrera

Disclaimer and Publication InformationThe Union Weekly is published using ad

money and partial funding by the Associated Students, Inc. All editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions

of the Union, the A.S.I., or CSULB. All students are welcome to be a part of the Union staff. All letters to the editor will be considered

for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5PM to be considered

for publishing the following week and become property of the Union. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for

all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union will publish anonymous letters,

articles, editorials, and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 300 words. Letters to the editor will always take precedence over prior in-house

content when received. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for

claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available at the AS Business office. Any

person taking more than 1 copy of the Union must first contact the Union for permission,

and is subject to a possible fee.

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Long Beach, CA 90815(562) 985-4867

union@csulb.eduVisit Us Online @www.lbunion.com

On Monday, September 26, I was speaking with an acquaintance at school who advised me to read the current edition of the Long Beach Union, as my name

had been mentioned in regards to my service as an AS Senator. I asked him what was written, but he told me I should find out directly from the source. When I picked up a copy of the Union, I was dismayed to see a mean-spirited, hurtful attack upon my character by Patrick Dooley.

In his statement, Mr. Dooley placed me at the center of a supposed plot to destroy the Union, questioned my dedication to representing students as an AS Senator, and denounced the student organization, the CSULB Campus Progressives. I would like to address each of these three points, and I ask that you bear with me in my lengthy reply.

When I arrived at CSULB as a President’s Scholar in 1998, I read the Union every week. As an impressionable freshman, I was taken with the paper’s unique style and tone. During my under-graduate career, stories I wrote were printed in the “Grunion” section and I interrupted my class-free Fridays to attend Union planning meetings. I felt incredible gratitude when events I orga-nized through the History Students Association, with the help of investigative reports by the Union, were able to initiate positive change for students in the Credential Program. Additionally, the Union was the only media outlet that reported on my efforts to establish a cross-campus coalition of student organizations. Last semester, the Union published an article I wrote on Salvadoran refugee and torture victim Maria Guardado, who visited CSULB to share her story of struggle and triumph. Of course, there were times when I did not agree with pieces printed in the Union, but I never advocated censorship. Quite clearly, I have a long history with the Union, and I cannot understand why anyone would put forth an alarmist theory that I want the downfall of a publication for which I have such deep affinity. It causes me great sadness that the publication I so highly respected smeared my name due to one person’s suspicions and misunderstandings.

In his statement, Mr. Dooley further expresses doubt about my motivation and ability as a student representative in the AS Senate. I was honored to be elected last semester as Senator for the College of Education and member of the Associated Students Board of Directors. I was chosen by my fellow Senators to serve as the Senate representative to the Student Media Board due to my interest in a free and open media that reflects the voices of all students. Mr. Dooley makes it seem as though I barged my way into the Senate and Media Board so I could force a radical agenda upon the respective boards. However, since I am just one vote of twenty-one in the Senate and one vote of nine on the Media Board, it is literally impossible for me to foist any action upon either board. I believe everyone has the right to disagree with my views, but I find it incredibly disrespectful that someone would spread rumors about my motivations and assert I have ulterior motives.

Lastly, I take issue with the recurring condemnations made about the CSULB Campus Progressives. I proudly have been an organizer in the Progressives for three years and I never tried to hide my participation in this group that advocates peace, social justice, and human equality. Since its inception in 2000, the Campus Progressives Collective has organized countless events, rallies, and movements for the cause of student rights on campus and human rights throughout the world. I will never be ashamed to identify myself as a student activist.

The Progressives strongly promote student unity and I was hoping this concept could be applied to the Student Media Board through actions to unite the CSULB community via the various media outlets on campus. Thus, I was deeply distraught when Mr. Dooley brought accusations not only against myself, but also against other students on the Media Board and the AS Senate. Though I

felt that his statements were incredibly cruel, I am willing to forgive Mr. Dooley and I hope the other students targeted by his statements will do the same. Perhaps it is the idealist in me that causes me to envision a student government in which participants can work together despite their differences to secure what is in the best inter-est of CSULB. If anyone shares this vision, I implore you to contact me at eherrer2@csulb.edu.

Elisa Herrera is the AS Senator, College of Education and member of the CSULB Campus Progressives

Have you ever caught yourself doing or thinking something completely out of the norm? Have you ever stopped and thought, “What the hell is wrong with me? Sane people don’t like poking themselves with tacks to see how much it will hurt!” You—yes, YOU—could be suffering from a very disturbing or dangerous sickness. GO SEE A DOCTOR! Or psychiatrist, because I’m not exactly sure what you might be thinking right now.

You see, I’ve come to the realization that there are probably characteristics which we all have, tics or traits that people have tacked disorderly names onto. It’s just up to you to take a look at all the freakishly weird shit you do to find out what exactly it is. I’ve learned that I have a minor case of OCD. No doctor needed to tell me this; I just took a look at how neurotic I am. And for those of you who have ADD (in this case, “Acronym Deficient Disorder”) as well as, you know, the other ADD, OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But don’t worry about this article too much because you, my friend, are going to be distracted by a tiny butterfly in less than two minutes and begin to wonder how you got all this black ink

on your fingertips. But that is neither here nor there. I’ve seen a lot of weird things I do and now know that, for example, I bite

my lip, almost cannibalistically. I tear it apart and can’t stop for the life of me. It will never end. Also, I have this issue when I end a call or exit out of a website on the mouse; I click the button not once, but 10-12 times fanatically. My roommate reminds me of this

every so often because it drives her insane. Or, when I’m jogging or walking next to another human being,

your body MUST be on my right side, animals not included. If this position is not stabilized, I become uncomfortable and squeamish. Why do I do these things? Who knows? The point is, I do not find these to be incredibly horrendous or offensive acts and I’m of course not embarrassed by them.

I’m convinced that we all have strange habits, and the beautiful part is finding them out. I’m sure

there’s a rather ridiculous name for whatever you do, or at least a very credible one. I found out recently

that there is a Restless Leg Syndrome. So... do you get meds because your leg twitches?—because

my fingers and eyebrows twitch sometimes. There’s also a disorder called Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Syndrome; if you have this rather technical problem, you tend to get extremely startled by unexpected noises or sights. Someone needs to put these people

away somewhere!

Whatever the case, try to open your eyes to some of the things you do. You might surprise

yourself. In the meantime, if you ever see me wait-ing at the end of a line of some sort, please come

stand behind me because I get paranoid and feel naked.

By Christa Gallo

I’m A Freak, You’re a Freak

A Senator’s ResponseBy Elisa Herrera

This rebuttal will be the last of this argument; it’s gotten personal, it’s been uninteresting, and by this point it’s really noth-ing more than pulling the tarp

off the horse and waving the flies away before taking a few good whacks. Not to mention that it takes the focus off of the reason I wrote the article in the first place there was bias in the AS Senate that begged exposure. That being said, let’s get to the rebuttal.

First off, I don’t mind admitting when I’m wrong, and I have no problem correcting a few honest errors. College Beat, which I wrote was the newest edition to the Media Board’s collection, actually just wants to be. I misheard my advisor and made a small blunder. I’ve also had it brought to my attention that the packet that I referred to as being handed from Jeb to Elisa was not actually the AS bylaws. My mistake—but whatever it was, it was handed from an applicant to a senator mid-meeting, caus-ing the senator to change the topic to having Union-affiliated candidates potentially disqualified for their association. I don’t feel my letter conveyed that Ms. Herrera intended to destroy the Union; I think I pointed out the intention to establish some level of control, and in doing so exercising unarguable bias. Lastly, Jeb wasn’t seen taking 6000 issues; the amount he was seen stealing was in connection to a larger collaborative effort to steal the 6000 copies.

I don’t want to partake in a tit-for-tat battle of bullshit, but I need to defend the notion of my previous letter being just an alarmist theory. The information written was my account of what happened, and was meant for no other reason than to inform and caution the Senate to keep future bias in check. I felt that the manner in which some senators conducted themselves was unnecessary and an extension of feelings that should have deteriorated long ago. If the reader was alarmed, well, so was I.

Ms. Herrera seems to be as interested as I am in laying down the swords and returning to our respective organizations, potentially working together as opposed to cutting throats. I’m not surprised that The Union has reported on her events in the past. I expected nothing less—that’s what we’ve always done. The Union has always stood its ground and reported on contro-versial subjects that most other publications would stray away from. As editor, I have a major concern when anyone makes an effort to establish a position of perceived control over the outlet for students’ voices. Until that happens again, we’ll be back to printing content that our busy student readership will enjoy perusing, Let’s leave the proverbial horse to be buried with the hatchet.

Sinceriously,Patrick DooleyEditor-in-Chief

Letter from

theEditor

Let’s Bury This Horse

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In the wake of the death of former United States Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist, I find myself thinking about another former justice—Chief Justice, in fact—and one whose name comes up in the lives of Cal State Long Beach students more than we probably notice: Earl Warren.

Yes, among the likes of Bellflower Boulevard, State University Drive, and Palo Verde Avenue, there is also Earl Warren Drive, the street that is home to the Parkside and Residence Commons dormitories and that serves as a thoroughfare for many more CSULB students.

I remember how it ruffled my feathers to learn that I was to live on Earl Warren Drive, a street bearing the name of a well-known proponent of abortion. Sure, not everyone is anti-abortion, but I’m sure that supporters of abortion (or champions of the “pro-choice” movement) wouldn’t want to live on Henry Wade Boulevard.

However, upon doing further research, I found that that wasn’t the worst of it. Earl Warren’s most infamous decision was to vocalize his support for forcing Japanese-Americans into internment camps during World War II. This is something I think everyone can agree on (i.e., internment camps are a bad idea).

So why should we 49ers have to live with a campus street sign that reminds us daily of one of America’s most atrocious mistakes? And it’s not like it’s a type of memo-rial—it’s a street named after a former proponent of the injustice that most of us find appalling.

And, on top of everything, there is the blatant fact that Earl Warren Drive is home to the Japanese Gardens. Am I the only one who finds this unnervingly ironic and somewhat tasteless? It’s almost like a bad joke. “Hey, let’s build a synagogue on Hitler Street...”

In an episode of “The Simpsons,” Marge asks Homer, “Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?” Homer quips, “Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?”

While I often feel an affinity for the lovable oaf, I don’t share his view of Warren as a sleazy stripper. In fact, I don’t even think Earl Warren was that bad of a guy. He certainly did some wonderful things for the country: His court held, in the landmark case Brown v. Board of Education (1954), that segregation in public schools was psycho-logically damaging and should be rendered unlawful; he oversaw Miranda v. Arizona (1966), the famous case that resulted in the law requiring that suspects be read their rights (“mirandized”) before interrogation; and he had many an altruistic victory in cases regarding free speech and criminal suspects’ rights.

However, Warren is, unfortunately, often associated with his endorsement of round-ing up the JAPs. Fair or not, this widely held view does exist and, I think, deserves to be considered.

I sat down to start this article and just couldn’t deny my inner desire to write about the one thing that had plagued my mind for the last couple weeks, perhaps years: men and sex. A million words could be used to describe both, and quite frankly nothing compares to

either. If you have ever met me before, you can see the smile on my face.

When my girlfriends and I hit up a night on the town, all we want to do is have a good time. Socializing and meeting exciting new people are always on the agenda. However, I notice that as I get older, the game of dating, if one might call it that, becomes an all too cliché episode from “Sex and the City.” Men continually fall short of any and all expectations that women might have.

Being young, single, and in college is entirely a game. We see a hot guy, giggle, whisper to our friends and pray he has the balls to approach us. If he’s smart and actually does, he’s already a 5 on a scale from 1 to 10. Now if this boy will actually buy us a drink, his number continues to skyrocket. Whether or not he goes home with the girl depends on his next few steps.

Do you ask her for her number? YES! Do you tell her she looks beautiful? YES! Do you continue to buy her drinks? You know the answer. Come on boys, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Now to the point I’m actually trying to make. As much as guys think about sex, girls do too. However, women can actually control their somewhat uncontrollable desires in hopes for something more sub-stantial, more real. If she’s smart, she knows what you’re after from the first introduction. It is obvious after the undressing with the eyes. We are NOT stupid!

Sex is entirely hard to ignore. Risqué images surround us, infiltrated within the media and flashed across every movie over G. Our own lives become a movie full of fantasies. Who we’d like to do, and who we would want to do us.... However, our lives are not the movies, and much more goes into snatching a beautiful female. It’s as if men want women to just fall to their knees and satisfy every desire. What happened to dinner and a movie? A walk to

get ice cream? It just doesn’t happen anymore, and it’s sad to say. The game is just too obvious.

However, for all you blatantly horny male college men, who obviously have little game, I am going to shed some light in the gray areas I see lacking. I think you all should consider the advice.

Rule 1: Don’t care more about your looks than I do, because I might think that you were homosexual. P.S.—There is NOTHING wrong with being homosexual and I actually have

many “gay” friends.

Rule 2: If we exchange numbers, then CALL—and please, not two months later. If that happens, don’t be mad when we don’t remember your name.

Rule 3: Don’t try to get on a girl’s friends, especially in front of her face. Dumbass!

Rule 4: Never forget that women can play the game just as well as men can, if not better.

Rule 5: Don’t expect to get laid after hanging out for the first time. That makes women think you sleep with any

female who has two legs. Eeew!

Rule 6: Remember, we are female, which means we can usually get it whenever we want (you

all know what I’m talking about), but we don’t! It’s a power thing.

Rule 7: We want to be taken out; dating is fun and it doesn’t happen very often anymore.

Rule 8: Yes, all women are complicated in their own intricate way. There is no way around it. So stop trying to figure us out.

Rule 9: Being smart is cool. It means that you are actually going to be something later in life.

So, men, I’m not trying to offend anyone. If it makes you feel any better, women don’t “get” you either. The male species will remain a mystery to us forever, the yin to our yang. However, there is one fact that has yet to be overlooked: neither of us can live without the other. So, if you see a pretty girl, talk to her. Most women don’t bite. I know I do.

People live long lives and have many mating opportuni-ties, so why do they still kill themselves? In biology, it is observed that many invertebrates fight each other to the death. This is okay, because they live short lives and have a slim window in which to mate, so why not just go for it. I mean, if you only live two days why not fight to mate with that other fly honey—otherwise, you will die without mating and your seed will never be planted. Humans, conversely, live long lives and can wait till the next chance to come along if we miss the first mating possibility. But the funny thing is that we still engage in these fatal contests, like spineless creatures. Some invertebrate males fight for territory, others for the action. Maybe it is ultimately the same thing.

I was just wondering why we decide to kill each other. I mean, people kill each other over hubcaps and blue jeans? According to the rules of biology, we should not have such a gargantuan rate of intraspecies competition. What is hap-

pening to us? Are we dumber than worms? I thought we were a top-notch alpha species that can create and mate till kingdom come, but we are still killing each other? What makes a person so driven to kill another person? With invertebrates, I can see thinking, “There is no food, that fat slug is eating it all, he just mated with my girl-worm, he’s toast and afterwards I can eat him.” There is no “thinking,” just reacting to the stimulus.

People also kill each other over different opinions, too. I mean, if you like Justin Timberlake and I like Ricky Martin, my kicking your ass won’t change your opinion. I always laugh at people who get into fights; does your ass kicking or lack thereof really change their mind? How is a punch to the face going to change my mind? In fact, it only will reinforce my knowledge that you’re a douchebag. Fighting over who is better is so primitive. If you can’t win someone over with your words, A) get a vocabulary; B) agree to say, “That’s cool, I like the Bouncing Souls, it is OKAY that

you don’t, but I will never understand why,” and go buy a beer and then go bully the jukebox together as friends; or C) they are really just fascists and hate everything except white people and Ryan Seacrest jokes, which means they are lame, so stay away from them.

We, hopefully, can think and rationalize about what we actually do. I am just continuously amazed at how low we can go. I think that the statement of our evolving from chimpanzees is an insult to the chimps.

“Good weapons are instruments of fear; all creatures hate them. Therefore followers of Tao never use them...Peace and quiet are dear to his heart, and victory no cause for rejoicing. If you rejoice in victory, then you delight in killing; if you delight in killing, you cannot fulfill yourself…This means that war is conducted like a funeral. When many people are being killed, they should be mourned in heartfelt sorrow. That is why a victory must be observed like a funeral.”

By Regina ChereneThe Warren Report

On The Futility of Mortal Combat By Joey Calmer

Sex Advice for the SexesBy Dayna Randazzo

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Kbeach, the campus’ student-run radio station, was taken off the cable system of Long Beach Community Television last semester due to the content of “Sex at the Beach,” a popular talk show.

“Sex at the Beach” airs on k b e a c h . o r g and LBCTV Tuesday nights from 9-11 p.m. Students are encouraged to call in with their questions and can have them answered from different perspectives.

“The show discusses issues such as sexual health, the importance and types of protection, and importance of getting tested for STDs,” says Journalism major Beth Dutton, one of the show’s hosts.

“Sex at the Beach” and other shows on Kbeach play in the background as other programming airs on the television channel.

From 1-9 p.m., LBCTV airs different programming ranging from educational, entertainment, and religious programming- a little bit of everything,” says Ron Petke, a Charter production manager.

After 9 p.m. Community Calendar airs, a program where Kbeach can be heard playing in the background. According to Petke, on the night of the incident, Kbeach’s audio was airing and audiences watching the channel were able to hear “Sex at the Beach.” Some viewers called Charter with their complaints.

“We received a couple of phone calls with complaints from subscribers watching the station—they had kids and said it was inappropriate,” said Judith Baker, supervisor of LBCTV.

LBCTV has standards that must be met in order for programs to air. Programs cannot be offensive or indecent, be commercial advertisements, constitute lotteries or wagering, or solicit funds; also, they cannot violate FCC

regulations, local ordinances, or other applicable laws, and they cannot endanger the public in any way.

Under FCC rules and federal law, radio stations and over-the-air television channels cannot air obscene material at any time and cannot air indecent mate-

rial between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. Obscene material is defined by the FCC as “language or material that, in context, depicts or describes, in terms patently offensive as measured by con-

temporary community standards for the broadcast medium, sexual or excretory organs or activities.”

Doug Wood, engineer at LBCTV, says Kbeach was taken off air a few times last semester due to the programming being “OPI”—offensive, profane, and indecent—but they were turned back on the next day.

“I think the students were not aware of our policies,” Baker said.

Baker stated that John Trapper, the media advisor for Kbeach, assured her that Kbeach’s DJs would be trained to regulate what they say according to FCC regulations, such as avoiding the use of four-letter words. General Manager Ray Hernandez is making sure that radio DJs comply with these standards so Kbeach can continue airing quality programming.

LBCTV is provided by Charter Cable and can be heard on Channels 65, 69 or 95, depending on the area in which it airs. The station is open to all Long Beach residents and provides free access to Kbeach.

Kbeach provides a variety of different programming, which can be heard on kbeach.org and LBCTV.

By Natalie Vratney

Confusion regarding students’ opinion of the pos-sible construction of a recreational center on campus has prompted the first ever schoolwide

online survey on Oct. 3. Associated Senate, Inc., in association with Brailsford

and Dunlavey, the company doing the research to assess the needs of students on campus, is sending a survey out via e-mail to students attending Cal State Long Beach The results of the survey will go to the student senate to be voted on. The survey is designed to assess student interest in the possible building of a recreational center on east campus. Depend-ing on the results of the survey, the A.S. senate will vote on whether or not to pass a referendum that would allow students to vote on the construction of the center.

“We are essentially voting to let students vote,” Associated Student President, Jaime Pollock said. “Logically, if survey says 30 percent of students want a rec center built, then we won’t do it. But if the numbers are high then it will be hard for a senator to vote it down.”

The idea of building the rec center has been met with some protest on campus. Long Beach Campus Progressives, La Raza, Muslim Student Association, A.I.M, History Student Association and others across campus have led the protest of the possible building of a recreational center on campus that, according to the Coalition So Stop the rec center, will cost an estimated $35 million and would be completely funded by students. A.S.I. has yet to establish an estimated cost for the project and no idea of what the charge to students would be, since no one is even sure whether or not the recreational center will even be built.

A.S.I. conducted focus groups on campus in previous semesters, in association with Brailsford and Dunlavey, to assess student interest in the building of a center. The focus groups were intended to determine how students recreate and therefore aide the A.S.I. in determining what would be in the new recreational center. The focus groups were adver-tised around campus and anyone who RSVP’d was welcome to attend. Several of the coalition members attended the Feb. 15 meetings.

According to University Student Union Director Dave Edwards, the presence of the coalition members caused the focus group results to be skewed.

The coalition volunteered “faulty information” at the focus group meeting causing overwhelming opposition by students.

The Coalition To Stop the Rec Center, was founded by Campus Progressives in opposition to the building of the center, believing the fee increase for students to be an unnecessary expense. The coalition argues in its various handouts that CSULB already has facilities on campus for students to work out in and to participate in sporting events, such as Frog’s Gym, the many swimming pools on campus, the tennis courts, etc. The coalition also argues that A.S.I. should focus on “properly funding departments and lower-ing student tuition and parking fees.” The lack of classrooms on campus is also a cause for concern to the coalition, due to the fact that CSULB is currently at 90 percent capacity.

Elisa Herrera, current leader of the Campus Progressives and senator for the College of Education opposes the rec center because of a contradiction presented in pro-rec center arguments. “They say that the rec center would add to the campus’ prestige and would help to bring more students in. Why would we try to bring more in when we are already burdened with the amount we currently have?”

Herrera also pointed out that the lack of available infor-mation to students makes it difficult for anyone to make an informed decision on the subject. “Brailsford and Dunlavey hasn’t mentioned whether students would pay the full cost for building it or not. Are they looking into corporate sponsorship so that the cost is not totally on the backs of students? These questions need to be answered.”

According to Pollock, the A.S. is looking into different avenues of funding to alleviate student fee increases; corporate sponsorship is one of them.

According to Brailsford and Dunlavey’s Preliminary Campus Recreation Assessment, an argument in favor of the Rec Center is that CSULB is one of the few large universities in California without a rec center. Other comments include the benefits to students who would have gymnasium facilities to work out in, either for free or for minimal cost.

Specifics, such as what would be included inside of the building if it were to be built, have yet to be determined. However, the online survey will include a feature where students can comment on what they would like to have included, if anything. Construction of additional classrooms with in the building are a possibility.

If survey results show a majority of students are in favor of the Rec Center construction and the referendum passes in senate and student vote, the expected opening date is in 2008.

The survey will be e-mailed to all CSULB students on Oct. 3, and can be submitted anytime during the following three weeks. The survey is anonymous and includes an optional drawing for students interested in winning prizes. The first place prize is a year of free tuition to Cal State Long Beach, second place is a semester of free books and third place is an iPod.

First Schoolwide E-mail Survey Comes to CSULB By Amanda Parsons

Kbeach Censored for Indecency

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Wasp FactoryWhen Scottish writer Iain Banks sat down and eventually wrote

The Wasp Factory I’m not sure exactly what was on his mind. This book provides such a complex web of events, thoughts, and rituals that it keeps the reader literally trapped in his or her own kind of wasp factory, not knowing the way out or what the ending will be until it comes.

Very briefly, the book is about a boy, Frank Cauldhame, whom we follow in the first person through both his actions and more importantly his thoughts. The book is amazingly detailed and psycho-logically insightful, as well as blatantly unorthodox in its descriptions of what Frank has done to others, experienced himself, and more importantly how he personally synthesized all of it. The great eerily mystical world that he creates around himself on his family’s island in Scotland is slowly revealed through the course of the text and is always surprising.

It is also a novel to shock, the imagery is mysteriously dark and, for lack of a better word, weird. The imagination of the author is clearly hard at work. In this sense it is reminiscent of the movies Seven or Saw, psychological thrillers. Although there is the important subject of death, it is not the focus of Banks novel, nor does it seem to be of any importance to Frank, who says very simply, “Two years after I killed Blyth I murdered my young brother Paul, for quite different and more fundamental reasons that I’d disposed of Blyth, and then a year after that I did for cousin Esmerelda, more or less on a whim.”

Often frightening and always morbidly fascinating, it is hard to put down, harder to comprehend, and maybe even harder to justly summarize. The world painted becomes real and nearly nightmarish for the reader, making this book a masterful piece of work, macabre and exciting. A great pleasure read, not for the faint of heart, or the dull of imagination.

A Required Reading By Michael Veremans

The Fourth in a Series of Eerily Devotional Articles

By Elijah Bates

If you ever end up as an infidel unfortunate enough to take the eternal stroll through Beelzebub’s abode, you’ll be shaking in your Ugg boots on

first glance at the horror of hellfire and brimstone. Upon first arrival, the sights and smells will pilfer your nostrils and peel back the eyeballs by their pupils. It will be the worst thing ever.

However, while the demons and devils might be a cause for some poopy britches, there would definitely be a great deal of Depends, Angel Fluff and Oops! I Crapped My Pants that you could get your hairless legs through once you see the dishonorable company of dead celebrities. Slews of legendary rock stars and

comedians gallivant about in total agony, along with a colossal slew of religious lead-ers and politicians, each living their never-ending existence forever engulfed in flame. Belushi, Farley, Morrison, Nixon, Einstein, Mohammed,

they’ll all be there awaiting your fresh and fiery flesh as their skin seeps to the ground from their salivating skulls. Entertaining eternal damnation will be the most amazing spectacle to see in person. But during your stay on planet earth, there are alternatives to suicide to witness the Tenth Circle.

In 2001, it came to pass that the first “Best of the Onion” book was born into existence. Dispatches from the Tenth Circle has all of your favorite Onion classics compiled into one jam-packed collection. Remember the article about 8-year-old who accidentally exer-cises second-amendment rights? Or how about the news brief that first reported disappointing sales of the first-ever Hustler swimsuit issue? And what of the headline “Arabs, Israelis Sign ‘Screw Peace’ Accord”? They’re all here and better than ever, even after four years of literary festering and satirical abuse.

Dispatches is easily the best collection that Onion

virgins and satirical taste testers could hope for in an ab-burning anthology of reprinted hilarity. As always with Onion collections, variety is key in Dispatches’ success. Designed in a different manner than Finest News Reporting, Dispatches is far more diverse in both its layout and content. Whereas FNR would focus two pages for one story, Dispatches instead employs a look similar in style to the Onion’s actual newsprint publi-cation. The continuity of design during the transfer from paper to book form is flawless – so flawless, in fact, that it turned the 174-page collection into a New York Times Bestseller.

The Tenth Circle is certainly far from hell on earth, at least in regard to potent stylization, the first class wit and creative writing that was dispersed into its walls. As a matter of fact, if you had a more helpful traveling guide during your final voyage to the home of Mephistopheles, a trip to hell would be little more than a cakewalk on a cloudy afternoon. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Just bring the book and ask Ol’ Blue Eyes for yourself.

Oh BotherHe sat up and let out a soft tired sigh. Searching

the landscape he saw that he was alone. The donkey is right, nobody notices you. He walked the beaten path home. At his house he covered himself in warm honey and threw himself against the wall. He stood upright, stuck to the wall, and stuck in depression. Where was

the donkey? Why was he alone and how was he out of honey so soon. The next morning the park ranger found the bear still against the wall. The honey resi-due had turned a deep red, and on the floor he found the saw. Intent on freeing himself the bear had cut himself down the front. The ranger stood back and wondered where the donkey had been. Then he looked out the window and saw the curious bees.

Hopped UpThis was the second time he woke up in the giant

pillow room. The last time he had taken too many red pills. He had wandered off by himself through the woods and he could remember hearing their calls bouncing off the rocks near the stream. He ran that time. He didn’t want them to find him again all hopped up and singing. He would get cantankerous and bite them. When they put him in the giant pillow room they had clipped his claws and left patches of dry blood on his thick fur. In the morning he woke up and hated that his tail was so sore, hated that he needed those pills, hated the rocks near the stream, and hated orange and white stripes. That was the first time he woke there.

I NoticeI love the way my snout looks in this new mirror.

It isn’t nearly as large as that fat pig says it is. I think today I will buy a new suit and some kettle corn. I am going to throw away my old black coat that stinks of cigarettes and taffy and I will get a bright red blazer. I will not make an ass of myself today. I am not an ass no matter what he says, that fat pig.

A Wonderful ThingThis was the second time he woke up in the giant

pillow room. His tail throbbed and he winced when he looked down at his right paw. The red had mixed with his orange and made a dark brick color. It felt like brick too. It hurt badly. But it wasn’t like last time. This time he remembered what he did and he wasn’t

sorry. He wanted to bite that pig.

He waited for them to

come visit him, but he only saw that black eyes of the doctors peering in at him through the tiny window on the door. But they weren’t coming. This time they would leave him there.

The ranger got home that night and set his hat and coat on the big brown chair near the door. His dinner was waiting for him on the table and he could hear his wife coming down the stairs. He was too tired to tell her what had happened and what he had seen. After he finished his meatloaf she cut him a slice of deep red cherry pie and he wondered why it had all happened. The bear was usually so content and the donkey had always been there with him. He finished his pie and coffee and went upstairs to bed. In the last moment of his waning consciousness he knew what had gone wrong. He knew who was to blame; the pig.

A Short Story

By Matt Dupree

In the darkness, A fly buzzed incessantly against the caked-on layers of sweat against Tommy’s forehead.

Tommy picked up the gun and put it to his temple. No goodbye notes or last phone calls tonight, just gunsmoke and blood pools.

“Well Reaper, it’s just you and me now.” He muttered to the emptiness.

Tommy entered the Maelstrom of thought, giving fiery birth to the mangled cigarette between his lips.

The human brain tends to go into overdrive with a gun pressed against it. Tommy couldn’t help but think about everything that had led up to this point. His 4 years in prison flew through his thoughts, as did his painfully brief reunion with his girl after he got out. The times they are a-changin’, always and forever. Maybe it was foolish to think that life would wait for him. Maybe it was foolish to try and pick his existence up off the shelf, blow off the dust and fold open the weary spine once more.

And then further back, memories of high school pranks and skinned knees at play-grounds. He thought about his mother’s warm smile and long fingers. He remembered that one white christmas at Grandma’s cabin. But nothing really satisfied his wandering mind, and he turned his attention back to the six-shooter to his head. He imagined what would happen after they found his teary and pathetic corpse, malnourished, loaded up on ketosis and ketamine.

He wanted to float into the sky and leave it all behind. He wanted to disappear without a trace and never look back. He just wanted some closure.

And with that, Tommy pulled the trigger.

Click.

Empty.

Silence.

And that’s when Tommy looked down at the six bodies that lay twisted across the floor in front of him.

The Math in the Madness

Oh, Bother...A Short StoryBy Katie Wynne

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Sony’s BRAVIA Marketing Campaign

Sony is touting BRAVIA, their newest LCD television line, as “The World’s First Television for Men and Women,” and should be commended for their efforts to tear down the digital wall that divides men and women like a Hi-Def Ronald Reagan.

Sony is banking on this very bold statement to attract prospective buyers from both gender groups, and is also able to back up the claim. Under the “How is BRAVIA different?” header on the official BRAVIA website, Sony cites “deeper reds, more vivid greens, and cleaner blues” and ambient light sensors that will produce whiter whites. Thank goodness, someone finally made a television with color-safe bleach!

This is not the first time that Sony has attempted to address tele-gender issues. Sony enjoyed moderate success with “The World’s First Television Remote for Women”, which required that women must first urinate on the remote and wait for a “plus” or “minus” to appear before being able to change a channel or volume level.

The question now is whether Sony will continue the trend and begin offering more specific models to groups such as the hermaphroditic popu-lation. Does their sexual ambiguity not warrant a television tailored to their anatomy? And what about Steve Guttenberg? When can we expect “The World’s First Television for Three Men and A Little Lady?” Sony, you have some splainin’ to do.

-Brian Dunning

Don’t get your hopes up ladies.

This man looks nothing like

Michaël Veremans.

Wite OutWhenever I make a mistake in life, I wish I had some kind of liquid cor-

rectional fluid to correct it with. I certainly draw a great amount of comfort from the fact that I can at least use the amazing product that is Wite Out to correct things when I’m writing. It’s brings a great sense of security to know that any time I write a word that doesn’t belong, a flick of the wrist and some foul-smelling liquid makes all my problems disappear.

Write “end” instead of “and”? No problem! Mistakenly address a love letter to someone named “Clementine”? Fret not! Wite Out solves almost any problem that today’s modern writer could possi-bly run into. And not only that, but my mistake doesn’t even have to make a paragraph look awkward due to spacing issues. I can write over the Wite Out as much as I damn well please! I mean sure, I can’t undo the time I accidentally farted really loudly during a clutch job interview, but I can sure as hell fix my misspelling of the word “equivocate.” Thanks, Wite Out, for making all of our lives just a little bit easier.

-Sean Boulger

There are few words that can effectively describe the wonder that is Grape Gatorade. Those that come to mind are: blue, tasty, and mildly attractive. Liquor, cocaine, heroin, and cigarettes all have their place, but no addiction hydrates as effectively as Grape Gatorade does, nor do they contain as many electrolytes. Many are deterred by the prospect of artificial grape flavoring, and to these people all I can offer is a taste of my beverage. I guarantee that one sip will change not only your tune, but your tongue color as well—to a vibrant shade of blue.

I truly pity anyone who has not felt the orgasmic tingle of food coloring, water, and artificial grape fla-voring on their lips, and I encourage them to give it a chance. In closing, let me add that no man has ever fulfilled me the way that grape Gatorade can; I’ve considered proposing, but frankly, this nectar of the gods is out of my league. On a scale of one to ten, I’d give Grape Gatorade an awesome.

-Erin Hickey

Grape Gatorade

It was a Saturday morning. I woke up, showered, and busted out a fresh pair of boxer briefs from a pack I’d just bought the night before from Target while back-to-school-shopping. As soon as the cotton graced my hips I noticed something wrong. The front had noth-ing- had I put them on backwards? No, I had accidentally purchased no-fly-front boxer briefs.

What evil god came up with this idea? What could a mar-keting team have been imagining? A man standing at a urinal pull-ing his pants and shorts down to his knees

to urinate, like in elementary school? Maybe someone peeing themselves in frustration when trying to free the ol’ willy while having a knee-bender in an alley outside a shitty strip club in Tijuana a month ago…

Fruit of the Loom should go right on out of business for releasing this scourge upon the earth. I guess it could be helpful in those situations when you’re talking to a teacher or some authority figure and “it” finds its way out of the fly into the cold of your pant leg, making for a very uncomfortable conversation, but hon-estly. Its probably worse that they make up for the lack of a fly by building in a slight bulge in the front that just looks awkward. I am not a Ken doll!

-Michaël Veremans

No-Fly Boxer BriefsOne thing that I love about ramen is that

every few months, the glorious company that distributes Cup Noodles introduces some new flavors into the mix. Years ago, I was shocked to see Pork flavor alongside my cherished Beef and Chicken flavors. Later, I would be enamored of Salsa Picante Beef, disgusted by Creamy Chicken, and dream of a Barbeque Chicken flavor that would turn out not to exist. I liked the spicy flavors and the empty calories, but frankly, it burned the ever-loving hell out of my mouth.

So imagine my glee when I stumbled across it—Lime with Shrimp. The heavens parted, I saw an ethereal light, and then I added hot water. Words fail me at this point. It’s delicate, like a virgin freshman, and yet capable too. It’s like Rubio’s just had a party in my mouth. The little tiny shrimp seem comfortable in their little limey, noodley pool and look forward to being

chewed up by my (from their perspective) gigantic mouth.

The kind folks at The Beach Hut stock this Food of The Gods, and it’s only 99 cents. Get up on it, yo.

-Dan Steinbacher

Lime with Shrimp Cup Noodles

music

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In the wake of the deadly hurricanes in the South, a lot of people have opened up their otherwise vice-grip tight wallets to throw some money down for one of several “Hurricane Relief” albums, which were slapped together at the last minute by the most predictable of musicians (Bono, you dog). Funny thing is, these albums only donate a portion of their profits to charity. Luckily, I’ve found an alternative to these morally off-color charity discs. And that alternative is “Do They Know It’s Halloween?”

Performed by a collective of musicians who go by the name of the North American Halloween Prevention Initiative, Do They Know? Is a benefit for UNICEF with every single cent of the profits going to benefit the charity. It’s a satirical take on the use of song to promote a cause (in this case, ending Halloween), mainly making fun of the awesomely bad “Do They know It’s Christmas?” which has spawned two remixes so far, without changing the somewhat exploitative lyrics (Nothing grows in Africa? Everyone there should be happy to be alive?).

The album features many famous musicians, such as Beck, Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s, Peaches, The Arcade Fire’s Win & Regine, Feist, Buck 65, and Devendra Banhart, as well as members of Sum 41, Sonic Youth, and the Postal Service. If that weren’t enough, Comedian David Cross, Actress Liane Balaban, and the Mistress of the Dark, Elvira, also make appearances.

The whole thing was organized by Adam Gollner and Nick Diamonds, both musicians themselves, who decided to do a hell of a good deed; they recorded a song, which was sent all over the world to various musicians with instructions to sing along to the enclosed lyrics and see what they could do.

After most of these were returned (Axl Rose, why couldn’t you be a team player?), and some studio magic was added, The individual parts turned into a huge monster of a song which devoured Toronto. Okay, maybe not that last part.

But the important part is the cause. UNICEF is involved in helping children the world over to have a healthy, enriched life and a good education. I don’t want to get preachy, but this one’s worth it folks. The song was released to promote the treat boxes, little donation boxes that kids can carry as they trick or treat to ask for donations along with candy. I mean, seriously,

how adorable is that? And you can finally buy an album without wondering how much is going to the artist! (in this case, none, but they’re cool with it.) The album hits the online stores on Oct. 4 and stores on Oct. 11.

Buy the album, help out a good cause; you’ll feel good and get an awesome song too. And so help me, if I hear about anyone pirating it, I will upload a claw hammer into their hard drive.

For more details on UNICEF and the treat boxes, visit www.unicefusa.org

It was a great pleasure to be able to sit down and have an interview with Therion guitarist Christofer Johnsson. This is Therion’s first US tour. It was awesome to get insight into their world wide tour and their musical progression.

Giuliano De Pieri: This is your first tour of the United States, how has the tour progressed so far?Chistofer Johnsson: It has been going really well. We have had very good crowds. We really wanted to tour everywhere. Giuliano De Pieri: Do you see a difference between the American audience and European audience? Chistofer Johnsson: Yes. In Germany, for instance, every weekend there is a metal fest. The problem is that people get bored. After 15 years, it is very surprising because the fans here have waited so long for us to tour the United States. GD: Is it a big deal to tour another continent, because fans from around world look forward to see their favorite bands?CJ: It’s a big deal, especially when we tour Latin America. People are so happy someone is coming to perform there; it’s like a festival. GD: It has taken America, in terms of metal music, about 5 years to discover all these different bands.CJ: People playing the music, and magazines have transported Metal, but means of transport and exposure is not

the same. The US seems to be more about major labels and the OzzFest.GD: Therion started out as a death metal band, now a symphonic metal band. This was a gradual progression. CJ: We were always a progressive band. When we started playing death metal in 1988, death metal was something new and we tried to shape our own sound. We were the only metal band using keyboards at the time.GD: The way that classical and opera music has been mixed with metal is amazing. Do you have any particular classical and opera music pieces that you are most fond of?CJ: Richard Wagner is my absolute favorite. When it comes to opera, I prefer German. Besides Richard Wagner, I also like Richard Strauss and some particular pieces from Beethoven.GD: Thank you very much for this interview.CJ: Thank you, I highly recommend checking out the albums of Laibach and the books by Hermann Hesse and Bulgatov.GD: Thanks a lot.

These days, there isn’t much going on behind the music we hear besides broken hearts and bottles of whiskey. It’s not that there isn’t a lot

of good music out there, it’s just all about the same old crap: girls, boys, drunken nights, and back-alley fights. But what’s out there for those of us who would prefer to listen to something that’s deeper than that? What if someone wrote music for those of us who actually liked Battle Star Galactica, Starship Troopers, and Dune? Enter Coheed and Cambria, a prog-rock band from NY with a sci-fi concept and a flair for falsetto.

I was recently graced with the incredible opportunity of interviewing Michael Todd, bassist of Coheed and Cambria. I can now die happy. Our interview spanned the better part of an hour, during which time he and I were able to chat about a good number of things, including tattoos, the new album, and the amount of hair in the band. What most surprised me about Mike was the fact that he was so down-to-earth, especially for a guy that is playing bass for one of the most influential bands of our time. For those of you wondering what music the members of CoCa listen to, you might be surprised to hear that two of the bands of today that Mike listens to the most are Rilo Kiley and Minus the Bear. And what does he do in his free time you ask? Well, unlike his fellow band-mates Travis Stever and

Josh Eppard, who have musical side projects, Michael is dabbling in the world of written word; he says we can probably expect a novel from him in years to come. Concerning the new album, Mike was pretty stoked, considering the band was picked up by Columbia, giving them a lot of room (see: cash) to work on the new album and surprisingly leaving their musical vision wholly intact. Oh, and for those of you who were considering getting a Coheed tattoo, it’s been done. Apparently the dragonfly symbol which can be seen on their debut album The Second Stage Turbine Blade(Equal Vision) is a standard-issue tattoo for not only the band members, but for basically everyone in their crew. If only I could be cool enough to sport some Coheed ink…

For those who enjoy a wide range of music, do not listen to CoCA, because they will ruin you for any music that cannot live up to the polyphonic deity that is Coheed and Cambria (leaving merely Zeppelin, Journey, the Who, and few others). CoCa’s latest album, Good Apollo I’m Burning star IV Volume I:

From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness (Equal Vision/ Columbia), is a continuation of their sci-fi concept, but this time with a twist. The album is written from the writer’s perspective and examines how the events of the writer’s life influence the story and the characters in it. Because of this ingenious new direction, Good Apollo seems to be a much more personal album for Claudio Sanchez, the band’s lead singer and songwriter.

To try to summarize this album would be futile; it is simply the most amazing rock and roll that has been made in the last decade. For those who love to rock, I salute you. Now go buy this album—its screaming riffs and entrancing melodies will probably make you cry and curl up in the fetal position for fear that you just heard the voice of God and will never again hear divinity. For those who don’t love to rock: Coheed and Cambria don’t have to explain their art to you, Warren, because you have no taste.

I’m not a Hasidic or a reggae fan, so I don’t really have a frame to judge this work. All I can honestly say is that it sounds cool. I think my favorite part of the CD is that Texas actually listened to one night of Jewish reggae. I have never listened to reggae beyond a couple Bob Marley songs and some Alpha Blondy. I liked it, not so much as a fan, but here is my amateur opinion.

Here are some notable lyrics: “March through

this desert one step at a time” and “Drop the staff Moshe rabbainu split the ocean in half.” There is a tone of Jewish-themed songs throughout the CD, like the song “Aish Tamid” is about how a temple got burned down. There is also a really cool beat box song, so all you Rahzel fans better check this guy out, that was pretty derfreyn (Yiddish for “suprising”)

If you like reggae, you would like this. If you are Jewish you might like it, and if you are both, then you better get the Vaseline. The CD also comes with video footage that you can watch from Stubb’s. So if you want to watch a Jewish guy rock Texas, check it out. There might be something to say about Jewish entertainment. Mazel tov!

Let me get this straight hip-hop fans and emcees. Just because you are underground does NOT mean you are automatically tight. Just because you have good intentions does NOT mean you are tight. With, that let us look at The Minstrel Show.

This has a good intention of being a very conscious, hip-hop aware album, though it kind of falls short. I’ve heard about this album for weeks now, and it doesn’t fully live up to its praise. For those who do not know

what a minstrel show is, don’t take any stupid guesses and just watch “Bamboozled” by Spike Lee. The group (consisting of rappers Big Pooh and Phonte, along with producer 9th Wonder) gives fans “the biggest colored shown on earth.” The Minstrel Show has thirteen tracks equipped with skits and satire. Little Brother obviously brings the message that hip-hop’s mainstream is all a song and dance. Good intention. Lyric-and-beat-wise is the downhill slope. The bars and hooks won’t really grab you; they are just there to flow along with the beats.

The only good song is their single “Lovin’ It,” which has a video that was rejected from the Black Entertainment Television (BET) because it was “too intelligent” for their audiences. Are they too intelligent for you? Find out and buy The Minstrel Show!

Coheed and Cambria The boys from New York City release a new album and are doted upon by our very own Jeff Gould.

And now, an interview withBy Giuliano De Pieri

Rock Out With Your Wallet OutBy Matt Dupree

MatisyahuLive at Stubb’sSonyBy Joey Calmer

Little BrotherThe Minstrel ShowAtlanticBy Dominic McDonald

entertainment

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I got a message from the action man. “I’m happy, hope you’re happy too.”

Uh oh, spaghet-tios. Rene Zellwe-ger will star in the newish horror film, The Eye. The film is a remake of a pretty decent ghost story from Japan about a young blind girl that gets a cornea transplant. After the transplant ghostly happenings…umm…happen. I’m so indifferent to this news that I’m just going to stop writing about it now.

Nothing comes closer to home. Mike Myers hasn’t made me laugh since middle school, when the first Austin Powers came out. I’m waiting for the next big belly laugh from the guy that I idolized as a kid. In the meantime, he’ll be bastardizing Keith Moon (the drummer for The Who) in an upcoming biopic. I have nothing against Myers taking on more challenging and serious roles (he did pretty well in 54), but this has got to be one of the worst ideas I’ve heard in a long time. Myers just seems way too mild to play one of the wildest drummers to ever crash a Cadillac into an empty pool on his birthday.

Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven. Albert Brooks is a very funny man, but I guess his latest movie

wasn’t funny enough for Sony. The film entitled Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World has had its plug pulled (not a joke about Brooks’ obvious hair transplant surgery).

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you can’t write to save

your life? This is one of those weeks. Granted, there wasn’t much news, but what’s worse is that none of it is in the least bit interesting. This won’t always happen. So I guess instead of writing some bullshit fluff around stories that I don’t care about, I’ll pose a film-related question and if you want to you can send me an answer to my email and I’ll post it next week.

I just saw A History of Violence and it’s a great film. However, it’s an adult film, and that’s not always easy to watch in a theatre full of giggling middle schoolers. My question is, what is the worst experience that you’ve ever had in a movie theatre? This could pertain to audience you saw it with, the quality of the theatre (I almost broke my back at a theatre once because the seats were so fur-eaking bad), whatever. My e-mail is milesj185@yahoo.com. Please write me and tell me what a total cock fag I am.

Miles in charge of our days and our nights. M

iles incharge

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You can’t write about a David Cronenberg movie the way you’d write about a normal movie, because the forest is so much more important than the trees. Yes, the cinematography was great, the

script was superb, and I was glad they spent the money on Howard Shore for the few fully scored scenes of the movie, but none of that is important, really. These factors, as well as the mostly great acting from a cast that includes Viggo Mortensen, Ed Harris, and Maria Bello, were not what made the movie great, but were instead well-placed support for the real value of the movie: Cronenberg’s painful, realistic examination of our society’s obsession with violence.

A History of Violence is based (very loosely) on a graphic novel of the same name. Interestingly, this book is in many ways part of the celebration of violence that Cronenberg’s film takes to task. Both stories begin with their protagonist, Tom, being forced to commit murder in self-defense. In the book, the inevitable hero-worship and media attention that springs up around him uncovers a terrible secret from Tom’s past. In the movie, that terrible secret is there as well, but unlike the book, the secret itself is not the focus. Rather, the movie examines how violence, even glorious, heroic, cinematic violence, can destroy even the most seemingly peaceful of lives.

The movie looks at every kind of violence: violence stemming from jealousy, hatred, self-defense, greed, and even lust. It shows that all acts of violence, no matter how noble or pure their intent, take a considerable toll on the person who has committed them.

It was gratifying, as well as maddening, to hear portions of the audience cheer at a scene in which Tom’s son stands up to a school bully. It was gratifying because the audience of A History was proving how right it was as the movie was still rolling, but maddening because they were missing the point. We are programmed and conditioned to cheer for violence by everything from old westerns to current war coverage, and Cronenberg’s movie wants us to take a look at ourselves as a country, and ask why. After every violent scene, the camera lingers on the victim, forcing us to see the ragged chains of flesh that standard Lethal Weapon fare leaves out.

It’s been said that the opposite of love is everything from hate to silence to apathy, but this movie seems to imply that the opposite of love is violence. Whether you agree with him or not, Cronenberg is asking you to explain the entertainment value of violence, and he does so in a truly great movie.

A Brief History of A HistoryBy Mike Guadabascio

Two for the Money R

Universal PicturesBrandon Lane, a guy with a talent for predict-ing the outcome of games, is groomed by a big-shot bookie. Then things turn sour as the teacher and the student are turned against each other. The film also stars Ralph Garman, a for-mer Union feature guy.

WaitingR

Lions Gate

Ryan Reynolds graces the screen in this movie about a job that everyone wishes for. It is a movie about food, customer service, Dane Cook’s floor food phi-losophy, and about Ryan Reynolds being amazingly frickin’ amazing.

Wallace and Gromit:The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

GDreamworks

Claymation cult superhe-roes Wallace and Gromit make their long awaited big-screen debut with an awesomely giant, vegetable-eating rabbit to co-star.

In Her ShoesPG-13

20th Century Fox

Here’s a chick flick, starring Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette, about two sisters who fail miserably at trying to live together and then go off to…you know, find themselves. Whatever that means. I will be busy finding myself in the back row.

What do you do if you can’t seem to find your six-year-old daughter while on a flight from Berlin to New York, aboard one of the largest and newest airplanes in the history of passenger aviation? Well, if you’re Jodie Foster, you freak out, run around, disturb captain Sean Bean numerous times, throw around several random accusations, and generally upset each and every passenger aboard your flight.

Personally, I feel pretty bad for Jodie, because in the world of Flightplan, everybody but the real bad guy has shifty eyes and a brooding soundtrack that plays whenever he or she is onscreen. This film is the first in the United States for German director Robert Schwen-tke, and the 36th from actress Jodie Foster. Let me just preface this by saying that I don’t know what Schwentke’s excuse is, because I haven’t seen any German films that were quite this poorly directed. And let me assure you that that’s where this film’s downfall lies. Foster acts up to her usual level of professionality, and the plot isn’t half-bad either.

The ending twist, even though it obviously had to be coming, was one that came from a place I didn’t expect. This movie’s fault can be found in the fact that it is an over-directed mess. The characters act in ways that are completely illogical, and I’ll be goddamned if I’ve ever heard more anonymous off-camera utterances than in this movie. Every time I heard a poorly-written, off-camera comment, it was like biting down on a piece of freshly toasted glass. Dear Lord, how I prayed for the ending of this movie. It seems my pagan gods were in a cruel state of mind, because I still had an hour and forty minutes to go. It gets a D+, which means S c h w e n t k e ’ s mom won’t be putting this one on the fridge.

Operation Get the funny bone, Jodie! BZZZZ. Oh no, you touched the side, Jodie! Too bad.

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Good day readers. This article is being written by a funny, heavyset, middle-aged white guy. Needless to say, if I get bad reviews, or if none

of you enjoy, are spiritually moved by, or find just a little bit funny the things I say...the owner of this column will disavow any knowledge o f my existence and never

let HIS FATHER guest-write in his space ever again. OK, here we go.

“They” say that California doesn’t have seasons like the rest of the country does. When you hear the familiar sound emanating from a nearby television on an early fall Monday evening: “.....DA.......DA.......DA.......DA........ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOT-BALL?” You know from that point on, It is FALL!!! To me and my son (who shared this space with his old man this week) that sound marks the beginning of our Holiday Season...FALL!!!

I think you legally have to be 18 years of age or older to experience “Flashbacks”...The smell of the grass (that the games are played on). The sound of a real High School Band that can bring tears to your eyes...some good, some baaaad. Some of you will remember playing the games, or marching in the band, or cheering on the field. Some of you will remember “Doing It On The Field.” Ah yes, the fiftyyard line holds a special place in many people’s hearts...

Now that we are all grown up—but not really—Fall means College Football Saturdays with an average

of over a dozen televised games on basic cable. Fall means Pro Football Sundays with...with...yes, come on, you know it , you love it, you can’t imagine life without it, THE TICKET!! Is this a great country or what?

Fall means an excuse to go to another bar or party for Monday Night

Football, as if Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with a cocktail in your hands wasn’t enough.

BUT WAIT—THERE’S MORE!

TUESDAY NIGHT STARTS THE ROAD TO THE WORLD

SERIES. If you start counting today (Friday, September 30) you may find that you have a very legitimate

reason to be in a bar or at a friends party just about

every day or night for the next four weeks... No wonder my mid-

term grades always sucked. I thought for sure it was due to overcrowded classes, but I wasn’t quite sure where they were...

So please.....Do not share this Fall Announce-ment Letter with anyone not cool enough to actually close their eyes and smell the grass. I leave the final judgment up to you. But, whatever you do: DON’T FORGET TO STOP AND “SMELL THE FALL.”

It’s the Fiddlers’ favorite Holiday Season.

Smell The Fall Listentotheman,themyth,thelegend,BigFidd(DadtotheSportsEditor)singthegloryofFall.

Age: 21Years Surfing: 11Hometown:Dana Point, CA

Long Beach, California, is the longest beach without any surf. Regardless of having no surf here at The Beach, the LBSU Surf Team remains at the top of the scale for college and university surf teams on the west coast. Top team rider in the ’02-’03 season, now a senior, Matt Edwards is planning to return to the team after a two-season hiatus. Out the last two seasons due to professional paintball, Matt is planning his return this season to help bring Long Beach State another National Scholastic Surfing Association team title. Last week I surfed with Matt, here are more “lasts” from Matt.

LAST SURF TRIP: Hawaii, for the summer season on the south shore of Oahu. The waves were epic—I surfed all the top spots on the south shore: Kaisers, Ala Mo Bowls, Sandy’s, and much more.

LAST MOVIE: Meet the Fockers. That shit is hilarious. Who would name their kid Gaylord Focker?

LAST MEAL: Sushi from Niko Niko. The spicy tuna roll is my favorite, so is the hot sake.

LAST CONCERT: Dave Matthews Band at Home Depot Center. It was a great way to end the summer.

LAST SONG: “She’s Hearing Voices” – Bloc Party. This song is one of my favorites, I listen to it before I surf to get pumped up.

LAST CAR YOU BOUGHT: 1999 BMW 3 series. My lifted Ranger got totaled, so I had to settle with the Beamer.

LAST TIME YOU WERE DOWN: When I learned that Jennifer Garner was pregnant and she would be leaving the TV show “Alias.” It is so sad because Ben Affleck is a kook.

LAST COCKTAIL: Mai Tai at Wind n’ Sea in Dana Pt. The strongest Mai Tais out there, served by my friend and bartender Sickler.

LAST DATE YOU WENT ON: Club Spider w/ GF and USC friends. I went on a party bus full of USC chicks. It was insane….

LAST SPORTING EVENT: Angels vs. Oakland A’s. With the way the Angels are playing right now, I definitely see them doing something in the playoffs.

LAST QUOTE: Come check out LBSU Surf Team—tryouts are October 14 at Huntington Cliffs. Anyone is welcome, even if you do not want to tryout; the club is welcoming to anyone who likes to surf.

…LASTCALLw/LBSUSurfTeamriderMattEdwards

By Jeremiah Mendoza

By Jeff Fiddler Sr.

I’ve never been a sports fanatic, but there is one sport I have always loved for its passion and athleticism: hockey. If you go to a hockey game, you become a fan instantly. There’s no excess scoring and every goal is fought for, tooth-and-nail, until at last one side concedes a goal. And of course there are the checks and the fights, which up the bad-ass factor of the game far beyond most other sports. Sure, hockey isn’t really a popular pastime in the US, falling somewhere between bowling and badminton in popularity, but that doesn’t deter me. I don’t need my sport to be popular, so long as it has soul.

Sadly, that soul has been torn out of the sport amidst the recent changes. For those that weren’t aware, hockey went on hiatus for awhile due to a lockout that had fans and franchises staring at the face of professional hockey’s death. Okay, maybe that wouldn’t stop the sport, but I wouldn’t be able to watch it on TV, and that’s really my issue.

In a move to make the sport more “watchable” and less “tedious,” new rules were implemented regarding such bull as goalie padding, sticking, and passing. Currently, the only one I like is the new shootouts policy, in which all ties are settled by shootouts at the end of the third period. I mean, call me what you will, but I just don’t think that some sort of increased “stick regulation” is really necessary. We’ve got high-sticking on the books, let’s leave it there. And as far as the reduced goalie pad-ding (11% less goalie!), this seems to be the most flagrant abuse of the spirit of hockey. It’s not supposed to be an easy task to get past the goalie. In fact, it’s supposed to be the hardest damn thing to do on skates (not including a quadruple lutz).

One of the new rules that is supposed to make the game more watchable is the legalization of 2-line passing. Before, you were not allowed to pass the puck across two of the lines that run perpendicular to the action. Now the goalie can pass the puck from one end of the ice all the way to the other without fear. Sounds great, huh? Now we’ll have all kinds of crazy breakaway plays!! Oh wait, not happening. As it turns out, Europe’s hockey leagues have been doing this for awhile. It has only caused a paradigm shift in which the teams are so afraid of getting screwed by a well-timed pass that 4 men play extremely defensively and one lone player attempts to punch a hole in the other team’s defense. So instead of getting a crazier and more unpredictable hockey, we have a lamer and more paranoid hockey. Now, we have yet to see this develop in the NHL, but its clear that the players are adjusting to what is very much a new sport. A new sport I, for one, am having a difficult time getting on board with.

A Gut Check for the NHLBy Matt Dupree

The NFL has a problem, and it is not a small one. Sadly, it has nothing to do with Terrell Owens and an accidental, self-inflicted gun discharge; that would not be a problem so much as a miracle. No, this problem has infected the game since its creation, and like an untreated wound it has festered. This problem doesn’t even involve the athletes that play the game. The problem is that kickers exist in the game of football.

Ask anyone who has played football and they will tell you a sad truth: kickers who solely are there to kick are not football players. They are glorified soccer players adorned with goofy Star Trek helmets who toil in obscurity next to the water girls during practice. For some unknown reason lost to posterity, they trot out every now and then to swing their leg against a pigskin and tally some points.

They probably consider themselves important, and unfor-tunately they should. What these guys do tangibly affects the outcome of the contest. Why is this so? Why does a sport that involves the physical, bone-crunching fight for every last inch involve a little dweeb blessed with an uncommonly strong leg?

I call for an immediate banishment of the kicker. Hence-forth, all kickoffs would now be throwoffs. This would allow for easier on-side kicks, which are always cool, and Kyle Boller would actually not completely suck.

Extra points would definitely be the first against the wall. What entertainment value do extra points provide? There is only one answer to that question, and it involves Larry Allen ripping off Jose Cortez’s head like Scorpion in Mortal Kombat. Mandatory two-point conversions would be the norm; this would provide more action and also give all football gamblers ulcers.

And yes, the traditional field goal would be no more. Timo-rous coaches (Marty Schottenheimer, this means you) would be forced to go for it more on the fourth down, but punting would not be the only other option. I propose that one of the circular targets shown on quarterback challenges be set up in the endzone. If the team were beyond their 30 yard-line, a coach could have his quarterback attempt to throw through it. This may sound mundane and about as lame as a field goal, but I’ve elided one important detail. On the other side of the target would be a dunk tank occupied by the hottest cheerleader of the home team, as decided by voting on the internet. Thus, the melding of wet t-shirt contest and football would be complete.

If my modest proposal were to be adopted, I can only see a few drawbacks, and these mostly involve less unintentional comedy. I would miss kickers getting viciously laid out on runbacks, friends losing in fantasy leagues due to shaky kick-ers, David Akers flopping around like a wet fish, and Peyton Manning getting called out by his “liquored-up” kicker. I am willing to sacrifice these small joys in order to improve the game of football. Hopefully Paul Tagliabue has the stones to fulfill my dream, and not defer it.

Who Needs a Kicker?By Casey Curran

Hey, Norcal fan, What the heck are you talking about? I hope you are enjoying your baseball playoffs this year. The A’s and Giants will be watching them on TV. Well, at least the Giants won’t have to watch it with Barry “Look at the size of my head, literally,” who will watch it from his chair. Dodger baseball had a down year this year, but then again, what else could you do when your Cy Young pitcher (Gagne), all-star shortstop (Cesar Izturis), and outfield (J.D. Drew, Milton Bradley, and Ricky Ledee) were all injured? With their rotation, they will be back in the playoffs in 2006. Anyways, the A’s won’t be in the playoffs for their usual first-round exit this year, as they were beat by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim; at least they’re from Southern California.

I hope you’re enjoying football season. The Raid-ers are 0-3; the 49ers are 1-2 and they look terrible. Can anyone name a player on the 49ers? Alex Smith, who doesn’t even play, doesn’t count. L.A. doesn’t even have a football team, but I bet USC could be at the Raiders or 49ers, and they are only a college team.

Well, training camp is just getting started for basket-ball; the Warriors, who haven’t made the playoffs in like forever, aren’t going to make it this year. They drafted Ike Diogu. What is up with the Warriors and power forwards? Adonal Foyle and Troy Murphy, after having Danny Fortson and Antwan Jamison. The Lakers can’t lose with Phil Jackson and Kobe together. The Clippers actually look good this year, so it could be interesting. Agree? Don’t Agree? SoCal, NorCal, someone with an opinion,

it is time to sound off at fiddler17fb@hotmailcom.

Thisisresponsetolastweek’ssportsarticlewrittenbyCaseyCurran.

ByJoeMathieu.

Double Meanings; A Sports Dictionary-James, ‘Head’rin(Edgerrin) RB, Indianapolis Colts-Used

when referring to an enthusiastic fellatio session.Synonym: head, brain, flight to Boston.Example: President Clinton got some Headrin James from

Monica Lewinsky.

—Freshman Kim Silos, who became the Women’s Soccer program’s first nationally recognized player, was named to Soccerbuzz.com and Soccer America’s National Teams of the Week following two game-winning goals in overtime last week. This following another first, a player in the national statistics—goalie Liz Ramos is now ranked amongst the nation’s elite goalies, with an 0.43

goals against average. Check out the team this Friday at 3pm and Sunday at 1pm, at George Allen Field.—Long Beach State Cross Country

swept through the Athlete of the Week honors in the Big West Conference, with senior Jimmy Grabow being honored for the third time in his career and junior Nicole Blalock becoming the first 49er female to be so honored.—The Long Beach State Men’s Golf

team received a big honor this month in the September 2005 issue of Golf Digest. The 49er program was ranked nationaly as one of the Top 25 overall men’s golf programs.—The NCAA is reaching out to the

fans to vote for the 25th Anniversary Women’s Volleball Team. Be sure to vote past 49er greats to this legendary team. Visit the link on LongBeachState.com.

Provided by longbeachstate.com

For more information regarding Long Beach StateSurfTeam,pleasecontactsurfteam@csulb.edu

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Contact the Comics Editor at androidwilsonx@aol.comYOU’RE STUCK HERE by Victor Perfecto!

THE DAILY STRUGGLE by Feddie

HARD-BOILED CRAIG by Craig Rohlfing

Volume 57 Issue 06 THE NEWEST NEWS SOURCE FOR THE NEWSIEST NEWS grunion.lbunion.com

The Disclaimer: The Grunion is a satirical publication (i.e. kinda fake and awesome). It’s purpose is to make you feel like an idiot once you realize you’ve been had. And all you had to causing her to fall off of the porch and into the watermelon patch Pappy planted last fall. If you don’t like seizure inducing statements, self-incriminating articles, or profantiy, stop

Today’s Headlines

The Grunny-ShotUncle Feeb is pissed and wants to talk about it, just like your drunk Grandpa who says “fuck” too much.

The best thin books published by yourpoliticians, straight off of Feeb’s shelf!

3. How to Find a WMD By Don Rumsfeld

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. The authors are strictly Cal State Long Beach students. Their opinions do not represent those of the Union , the ASI, CSULB, Seal or even the authors. By the way, this is the only page of Grunion this w

eek. That means no new

s briefs, which really sucks. Take it or leave it........

2. Avoiding Conflicts of Interest By K. Harris1. A Guide to Ethical Politics By Tom DeLay

4. Bill of Righs: Defending the Constitution By John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales

Social Services Declares MGD A “Gateway Beer” See Screw Pabst page 11

Drunk Driver Kills Meth-Addled Bicyclist; Moral Lesson Ensues

See Irony page 5

Sad-Looking Dog Makes Owner Feel Like Asshole See Milk Bone page 9

Listening To Johnny Cash In The Womb Makes Babies More Bad-Ass, Studies Say

See A Boy Named Sue page 9

Prostitute Develops Rare Heart-Of-Gold Disease See Hitchhiker page 5

The Grunion Family Loves Father McKenzie; Satire Lost In Sentimentality See Swiss Cheese page 5

5. Playing Fair: Responsible Political Campaigning By Karl Rove

7. Public Speaking By George W. Bush8. Heart Smart: Living Healthy By Dick Cheney9. Tolerance & Acceptance By the GOP

6. Truth By Fox News

10. Making Your Man Happy By Mary Cheney

Views & Opinions

I swear I must have killed like 800,000 of those little fuckers in the past three months, yet the United Nations contin-ues to ignore the increasingly dire situa-tion in My Kitchen. Each and every day, I return to find My Kitchen teeming with insects, their miniature terror-camps forming around the scraps of a week-old chicken dinner. I have done all I can to prevent their advances; however, brush-ing crumbs under furniture, letting dishes pile in the sink for weeks at a time, and eating in my bathroom have proved no match for their tenacity.

It was only two weeks ago that I found one of their leaders, Pedro Julio Juarez, leading a coup to take over the left side of my sink during a daring midnight-raid. I must have left a bowl of Easy-Mac un-cleaned, and those vile pests took it as an invitation to invade my domicile. I fought with them tooth and nail, but traditional methods of defense proved ineffective and the casualties skyrocketed. The soles of my favorite slippers met their maker that night. Juarez left me with no alter-native, and I was forced to use chemical weaponry to fend off their advances.

I watched in horror at their skin burnt from their thoraxes, their antennae shriv-eling into their wicked skulls. I left the corpses to rot for three days as a warn-ing to others who dared to even consider following in the footsteps of Pedro Julio Juarez. My Kitchen was a linoleum-lined killing ground; the counter tops were speckled with the blackened bodies of my enemies, as if some atrocious amount of pepper had been accidentally scattered. But even then, the United Nations in-sisted that bleach and nail polish remover don’t technically fall under the umbrella of ‘chemical weapons,’ and graciously de-clined to intervene.

The time is now for government inter-vention, but if the United Nations insists on sitting back, idly watching as such an extermination continues, I will be forced

to take matters into my own hands. As Co-Signer, it is my responsibility to look forward to the future of My Kitchen; a future free of pests, free of killing, and more importantly, a My Kitchen clean enough to get my Security Deposit back. But before such a utopic My Kitchen can exist, there must be certain measures tak-en to reassure the peoples of My Kitchen that our great land will be unmolested by our ant infiltrators.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I stand before you to an-nounce that in the coming weeks I will be setting up small internment camps in the four corners of My Kitchen for ant refu-gees. There, they will be treated to warm meals and shelter, and will be encouraged to invite friends and family. Refugees will also be encouraged to take the meals back to their ghettos to share with the commu-nity. I have a feeling that, in a month or two, the problems of My Kitchen will be 99.8% solved, or so the box says.

We just need to sit back now and wait, and show to the world that problems need not be solved by use of the sword. Instead, we must show our global community that a resolution can only come about though the use of the olive branch, and by simply hoping that our enemies choke to death on their hunger for peace.

The United Nations Continues to Ignore the Ant Genocide

A Bushel of Apples Offered to the World

Jedediah ShreggInsignificant Human Waste

Following the huge demand for MIT’s recently created $100 lap-tops for people in destitute coun-

tries, computer manufacturer Apple has announced that it will sell the iPor, a version of its famous iPod, to those same countries for only $175, plus tax.

Says Apple CEO Steve Jobs, “This is a tremendous opportunity for all the dirt farmers in Algeria or whatever, because otherwise they’d be completely missing out on important world developments like Thrice’s new album, which is avail-able now.”

While the makers of $100 laptop an-ticipate orders of up to 15 million units, Apple’s iPor offer has failed to perk much interest. This is partly because MIT’s laptops lack the memory to run iTunes, but also because the laptops may be used for educational purposes, while the iPor’s main function is allowing its listeners to tune out the world around them.

After a reporter’s comment that the iPor is more of a luxury item than the functional laptop, Jobs responded by say-ing, “Well, these people must have some money… I mean, they’re starving, right? So they must save a lot on food expenses. Plus, how much is the rent when you’re living on a sidewalk? They’re definitely hoarding that extra money somewhere.”

Apple is loath to give up the project, as it has already begun an advertising cam-paign featuring the slogan, “A thousand songs in your hut!” The company has also started developing various accesso-ries, such as the iPor Ribcage Holster.

Since electricity isn’t readily available in many third-world countries, Apple’s research teams have created a battery system that draws its energy from the user’s body heat. One Apple spokesman told reporters that this saves the iPor’s battery energy “when the user either re-moves the unit or dies.”

Nintendo Reaches Female Demographic With Dildos

The video game industry took a major step to-ward luring in the female market this week as it rolled out its new line of gaming vibrators. The GameChub, as it’s tentatively being dubbed, is likely to be this year’s must-have item. The GameChub has also brought a fishy smile to Nintendo’s face, as it taps into a market yet to be penetrated. “Viblatoh, supah good. Supah awesome!” said Nintendo of Japan’s Kenshi-ro Takashito, “Make da woman happiest rike house chores.” Dollar signs have also appeared in the much less innovative, much more rhyth-mic Nintendo of America. Said spokesman Dan Ficciataco, “We always missed the mark when it came to girls, but now we’ve hit ‘em smack dab in the cooter!”

Nintendo has always relied on its tried-and-true characters to connect with the public, and so the GameChub will be modeled after the Nintendo World’s most misunderstood resi-dent, Toad the mushroom man. Yes, it has fi-nally been revealed that Toad’s real power is the ability to quiver at high speeds. In fact, Nintendo has even clarified his shadowy rela-tionship with the Princess, detailing his service to the crown as the Royal Personal Massage Wand. Now the diminutive fungus-boy will be conquering pink bits the world over with his soothing stimulation. This also marks the first time anyone has given a shit about the phallic little creep. Toad may finally vibrate his way into game history with this bold entry into un-charted wetlands.

The concept may seem novel, but it’s sweep-ing across the country like crystal meth and gonorrhea, and it’s just as addictive. “You see, the game is about the rhythmic pressing of the button.” Explains GameChub developer Stan Forkinbaum, “It’s like Dance Dance Revolution in a way. And the more you push the button, the more it vibrates. It may not seem like much fun when you talk about it, but our studies show that girls love to play. At home, in the shower, at work, on the bus—girls are hooked on this game.” Nintendo expects to sell at least 2 million GameChubs in the US alone, roughly 1 per 75 axe-wounds in America. And if things go well, Nintendo has a plan to release a line of shower-heads, cucumbers and tennis rackets.

Bum Taco - “What a freakin’ night...where’s my liver?

Uncle Feeb - “You cannot peti-tion the Lord with praaayeeer!”

The Sophomaniac - Well, what do you want? I’m drunk.”

Dead Baby - (Falls down) “Why are my pants in the fridge?” (Falls again)

Pineablo - “How in the hell am I the only respectable one around here?”

Savage Fred - “Wait, I’ve been sleeping for the past two days. What’s going on here?? ”