5 Ways to Break Bad News without Actually Lying

Theres good news about the best way to break bad news

Post published bySusan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.on Jul 25, 2015 inFulfillment at Any AgeOther than the media, which seems to thrive on stories involving death, destruction of property, a plummeting economy, or other calamitous events, the majority of us would prefer to be the bearers of happy news. Youd much rather, Id venture to guess, reveal to a young couple that the child theyre expecting tests out perfectly fine than that they will face a lifetime ofhealthchallenges with the addition to their family. Similarly, if youre a supervisor, its much more fun to tell employees that theyre going to be promoted than that they should expect the pink slip to show up in their inbox.

As much as we prefer to give happy news, there are times when we have no choice but to relay messages of doom and gloom. A truly cruel or sadistic person may relate the bad news with relish, but most of the rest of us would like a way to soften the blow. In the case of a firing or demotion, you may be tempted to take out your frustration with this person with a brutal revelation of the many reasons he or she failed to live up to your expectations. If its a person youve been in a relationship with, again, unless youve got a great deal of pent-uprage, you want to let the person downas softly as possible.

That most people have difficulty communicating bad news is reflected in whats called theMUM effect(keeping mum about undesirable messages). In research on the MUM effect, Hope Colleges Jason Dibble and colleagues (2015) define bad news as a message communicating information that is previously unknown to the receiver, is anticipated to be personally relevant to the receiver, and is perceived by the delivery agent to be negatively valenced by the receiver (p. 215).

Unfortunately, bad news is psychologically more compelling than good news. It is also cognitively more engaging, and it takes more time for the listener to process. Moreover, as tough as it is to hear the bad news, it can be pretty tough on the ones who have to deliver it. As Dibble et al. note If sharing bad news was in no way negative for senders, then there would be no reason for senders to report feeling uneasy, reluctant, and hesitant to share bad news. Indeed, these costs might very well represent the essence of the MUM effect (p. 216).

Apart from the feelings ofempathywith the recipient you may have when you have to relate that bad news, you may also worry that by being the bad news source, youre also reflecting negatively on something about yourself. After all, if you hired the baby sitter whos turned out to be so irresponsible, it suggests that youre not a very keen reader of danger signals or maybe youre just a bad person to work for. In relationships, the costs of making a mistake in selecting a partner similarly reflect on your lack of insight into yourself and your intimate partners.

According to politeness theory, by communicating bad news, youre also triggering negative face concerns. This means that youre risking making the other person, and you by extension, look bad. Senders of bad news alsofearbeing blamed, being put in a bad mood, and of course, causing pain to someone else.

The Hope College researchers conducted two experiments with conditions involving the delivery of bad vs. good news, and scripted vs. unscripted messages. They hypothesized that the unscripted bad news messages would take the longest and would feel the worst to the senders. The bad news that the participants shared was anintelligencetest score revealing the test-taker to have performed more poorly than the average. The main measure of interest in both experiments was the length of time it took the senders to deliver their messages.

If it takes a larger chunk of yourcognitiveresources to relay bad news, then unscripted bad news messages should take the longest of all to prepare. If politeness theorys at work, then the script shouldnt speed up the process because the sender must still confront the notion of making the recipient feel inferior. As it turned out, politeness theory won out over the cognitive resources explanation because, regardless of the script condition, bad news traveled more slowly from the senders lips than the good news.

One more study on bad news provides an additional perspective on the problem of communicating negative messages. Mirail Universitys Valrie Igier and colleagues investigated the question of how patients, their families, and health professionals perceive the process of communicating bad health news. How do patients wish to be told, how do their families want to hear about their relatives, and how do nurses believe that doctors should let patients know about a poor prognosis? Using a set of 72 vignettes, Igier and her fellow researchers asked 140 adults and about 50 nurses and nurses aides to indicate how acceptable it was for physicians to reveal the truth and under what circumstances.

Among the sample of patients and health care workers, only about one-quarter preferred that the patient be told the entire truth. Over one-third thought the family should be told before the patient, one-quarter that it would depend on the situation, and only the remaining 13% thought the truth should never be told. Clearly, then, most people would rather hear the truth, even if theyd rather not be the one to convey the bad news. Furthermore, the importance of family involvement underscores the role that social support can take in alleviating stressful health situations.

From these studies, it seems that there is no one best way to convey bad news, but these 5 principles should provide some guidance:

1. Tell at leastpart of the truthif you think the person needs to hear it.Whether its a bad health prognosis or the need to let an employee youre firing know how to avoid getting canned in the future, there are situations when you can provide help to the person receiving the negative message.

2.Sugar coat it if you think the person cant handle it(its me not you). It may take you a while to frame the right way to put a positive spin on the bad news, but it will be worth the investment particularly if the individual seems particularly vulnerable or fragile.

3.Follow the principles of politeness theory.Its important for you to help your recipient save face when the bad news involves a potential threat toself-esteem. You may have to develop a cover story in order to preserve the individuals reputation to the outside world even while you and the other person know the actual reasons behind your decision.

4.Take your time to prepare your message.There is more effortful cognitive processing involved in presenting people with bad news. Make sure you consider carefully the meaning and possible interpretations of your words. Once certain words are said theyre impossible to take back, so dont rush into an explanation just for the sake of getting it over with.

5.Rely on others to help you. Without blaming others or leaving the dirty work to them, keep in mind the Igier studys findings and consider bringing relevant other players into the picture. It may be the other members of a workteam, an individuals family, or even someone who can be impartial to provide you, and your recipient, withmoralsupport.

Letting someone down is never a pleasant prospect, but with these 5 tips, you and the recipient of your news can move on, knowing that youve worked hard to maintain the integrity of yourself and your relationship. Perhaps in the future, the news you give- and receive- will be better as a result.

Follow me onTwitter@swhitbo(link is external)for daily updates on psychology, health, andaging.Pleasejoin myFacebookgroup, "Fulfillment at Any Age(link is external)," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions about this posting.Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne 2015Reference:

Dibble, J. L., Wisner, A. M., Dobbins, L., Cacal, M., Taniguchi, E., Peyton, A., & ... Kubulins, A. (2015). Hesitation to share bad news: By-product of verbal message planning or functional communication behavior?. Communication Research, 42(2), 213-236. doi:10.1177/0093650212469401

Igier, V., Sastre, M. M., Sorum, P. C., & Mullet, E. (2015). A mapping of peoples positions regarding the breaking of bad news to patients. Health Communication, 30(7), 694-701. doi:10.1080/10410236.2014.898013