Ang e lo St at e 's F in e st Pap er S in c e Fa l l 2006

Email Enrages StudentsEmail Enrages StudentsEmail Enrages StudentsEmail Enrages Students In reading your University Pa-

per; I have come to the r ealiza-

tion that your paper is full of

Crap. I hope the people who

write this paper are not Jour nal-

ism Majors or Englis h Majors. If

you wer e graduating right know

and submitted your Paper in a

Journalism Portfolio we would-

n’t get a job in Podunk , Texas . In

reading your Tech article this

week I think you need to do your

research about Tech and under-

stand what this mer ger brings to

ASU. ASU will be receiving over

100 Mill ion dollars in the next

10 y ears from the Tech mer ger

in addition to the state funding

they already get. I t ak e personal

offens e that you would call T ech

girls “[t he thing we called them

last w eek] .” I have a cousin who

was in a sorority at T ech and did

not act [the way w e said], and

had Christian v alues as well as

her sorority sisters. Do your

research and know what you are

talking about before you are

writing it.

This is an email that we receiv ed

this past w eek after the penning

of our T ech Effect article in last

week ’s issue. Now , as a paper

who does nothing but address

humor and t he light er side of

things , w e hav e s een fit to tak e

offens e to this email and print a

respons e accordingly. The fact

that w e got under someone’s

skin is nothing new for us and it

certainly will not be t he last . We

take pride in what we do and if

we offend you on occasion, then

we have done our job. The whole

point of sarcasm and dark hu-

mor is just t hat — to get a re-

sponse, whet her it be good or

bad. But as we r ead this email , it

became clear to us that w hom-

ever wrote it, anonymous ly, is

quite s imply an idiot. Now, be-

fore w e get any mor e emails

about calling someone an idiot,

let us st ate that WE DO NOT

MEAN LITERALLY ST UPI D!!

ONLY THAT THEIR RESPONSE IS

PEDESTRIAN AND ADDRESSES

NOTHI NG OF WHAT WE ACTU-

ALLY WERE WRITING AB OUT!

The Tech Effect , as we explained,

is the influx of wind and dust

storms we have been recently

experiencing. It was conceiv ed

as a farcical notion that yet

Ram of the Week 2

Weekly Rant 2

Quote of the Week 3

Facebook Invasion 3

Poetry Time 4

Who’s this? 4

Thoughts To Ponder 5

Brainteasers 5

Physics 8

Dante Residential 7

Colbert Cornert 5

Horoscopes 6

The Johns 6

Darwin Awards 6

Movies 10

Sudoku 10

Ramdic: EOO 8

Campus Reflections 9

Included in t his issue:

Volume 4, Issue 7

Ramdiculous Page

Picture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the Week

One of our adoring fans.

Saturday—Eggsibit Day (what the heck?)

Sunday—Check Your Batteries Day (hope they

aren’t dead… they’s expensive)

Monday—Napping Day (that’s right, skip class and

nap)

Tuesday—Dream 2008 Day (hmm...didn’t someone

else have a dream...and didn’t he get shot?)

Wednesday—World Kidney Day

Thursday—National Open an Umbrella Day (hope

it’s raining when you do or you’ll look stupid)

Ramdiculous ObservancesRamdiculous ObservancesRamdiculous ObservancesRamdiculous Observances

Sign Endorsing Email Author

(dramatization)

Continued on Page 3

March 7, 2008

Middle Name Pride Day

Awkwardness...

Walking around naked in your apart-

ment for a full 5 minutes before realizing

that the front door is open… This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that

make a normal person feel awkward…

Page 2 Volume 4 , Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

Weekly Rant

exRam of the Week

Bryce is a quite a guy. We are recognizing him today for the

fact that he’s awesome, but

more importantly because to-

day marks the first anniversary of the recognition of his sins

and his repentance thereof. I am

speaking of course of his affilia-

tion with the Ram Page. He waisted seven months of his life

working for those agents of

intolerance, but finally he saw

the error of his ways, and now he is living a happy fulfilling life

working for the glorious page of

ramdiculousness. We appreci-

ate his services and look for-ward to his wit in weeks to

come. Oh, and he’s single.

After this last rant, I received an email that was pretty much kinda dumb. I am

in no way calling that person dumb.

Please don't jump to conclusions. This

person may actually be smart. Anyways,

as most of you know, the previous week's rant was running down the list

of presidential candidates. There was

absolutely no thought put into

that rant, so I can in no way

be held responsible for it (insert lots of sarcasm here just

in case you don't have any

kind of sense of humor). It

was clearly stated in my article

that I was going to make fun of EVERY STINKI'N CANDI-

DATE, not just the ones I

don't like. It just so happened

that I started off with Barak

Obama because he is the

candidate I dislike second

most, right behind Clinton. It

also just so happened that later that day I decided that

that idea was stupid, so I

dropped it. Who really needs

to hear more about stuff that

the media is already bludgeon-ing to death? I suppose the

Ram Page decided you needed

to hear more about it because they wrote up a full page article using the

exact same idea, which was make fun of

every candidate. They even went so far

as to quote the South Park episode

where Hillary Clinton has a “snuke in her snatch”. I really question whether

or not this has any place in the official

newspaper of the ASU campus. What

do you think incoming students will

think about our wonderful campus when the first (and last) thing they read

from it is “snuke in her snatch”? Ram

Page, you are supposed to be a “serious”

newspaper. We are the funny (hence

awesome) newspaper on campus. Let us do our job of entertaining, and you can

do your job of boring all the students

on campus. Here is a disclaimer I will

include after every article I write.

DISCLAIMER (read me)-this article is

for entertainment purposes only. Do

NOT take heed to anything in this

article. Do not think about it for more

than one minute because there is no

moral value to it. All you have to do is

laugh and move on. This is sarcasm at

its finest, so don't take it for any more

than that.

Cool Hand LukeCool Hand LukeCool Hand LukeCool Hand Luke This is a film. I watched it. I am

now going to review it for you.

This movie is an oldie but a goodie

and I happen to be particularly

fond of it. Although I think it

would have been

better if it had

starred Ned Beatty.

I do so LOVE Ned

Beatt y! Mov ing

o n. . . t he f i l m

chronicle s t he

times of one man,

Luke and his re-

peated and furious

attempts to escape

a prison labor

camp. Along the

way he gains the

admirat ion and

respect of all his

fellow incarcerated

brethren by fight-

ing the resident badass, Dragline,

and eating 50 hard boiled eggs

without vomiting. In addition to

all this, he takes on the system and

makes daring escapes. Unfortu-

nately, all of them are thwarted by

“the man.” Although as a nice

parting gift, he does manage to run

one of the bloodhounds used to

wrangle him to death, earning him

even more disdain from his oppres-

sors and more admiration from his

cont emporar ie s .

This film has every-

thing—blood, sweat,

tears, poker, hard

boiled eggs and

death, as well as

some chase scenes,

water, trains and

even small black

children who aid

and abet a known

felon. It truly is a

heartwarming tale

o f oppre s s ion,

vindication and

random, misguided

follies of youth. I

place this film in

my hall of all –time favorites, just

below Mighty Ducks but above The

Dark Crystal. Therefore, it earns a

well deserved, old school A.

—Kendall T Longbottom, Esq.

Hey all you Ramdicu-

lous fans, here’s your

chance to get in on

the action. We want

to hear from you what

you want from us.

We are also looking

for some help, so if

you can write, let

us know, send us

some of your stuff.

How about

p h o t o g ra -

phers, if

you have some pictures

send ‘em our way.

Are you a artist, draw

us a cartoon. Do you

have an opinion?

Let us know.

You can

help us.

Send your

s u b m i s -

sions to us @

Bryce Parsons

Quote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the Week

“speakingof

snatch...”

Page 3 Volume 4 , Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

Thoughts To Ponder

• If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery,

would the other doctors work on the doctor or

the patient?

• Why when people ask you "what three things

would you bring with you on a desert island?" no

one ever replies, "A BOAT"

seemed v alid if you’ve ever been

around Lubbock on any giv en day.

But enough on that, let us mov e on

to the email its elf. It is funny that

the author would st ate “If you w ere

graduating right KNOW (not now as

it should hav e been) ...WE (not you,

as proper context would dictat e)

wouldn’t get a job in Podunk,

Texas.” And this person has inferred

that WE are bad at English! As a side

note, w e leav e small errors in our

paper because it mak es us more

human, lets us connect with t he

everyday person who is not 100%

grammatically correct all t he time.

Also, the part where they “t ake per-

sonal offense” at us call ing the T ech

girls “[the thing w e called them last

week]” is so hilarious and com-

plet ely moot to the article itself. By

stating that they pr etend to be

slutty, we wer e actually s aying they

are NOT slutty. So to this person, we

would lik e to s ay DO YOUR RE-

SEARCH BEFORE YOU WRITE ANY-

THING AND KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

SAYI NG BEFORE YOU SAY IT!! Also,

get a sense of humor , w e are not

now nor have we ev er been a

“serious” paper, so just get used to

taking everything with a grain of

salt and LAUGH about it. Lastly, we

took particular joy in the way t he

next to last line of t he email was

punctuated and how it inferred t hat

this persons cousin “had Christian

values as well as her sorority sis-

ters.” Yea, just re-r ead t hat and let it

sink in; let your mind wander to t he

gutter and then laugh raucously

about that stat ement .

—Sir Samuel Clemens

Continued from page 1

Glen Meadows Baptist Church

would like to invite you to its

college ministry!

We meet at the Lake House at 9:00 AM on

Sunday Mornings, as well as Tuesday eve-

nings at 7:00 PM. Come early and stay

late and use our free washers and dryers,

as well as the big screen TV, free food and

drinks, and a load of fun.

Come by and check it out.

Oh yeah, the Lake House is across the street from the

Glen Meadows, which is west on Knickerbocker. Take

a left down American Legion Road and it is the first

lake house on the right.

http://www.college.gmbc.org

What are your

Spring Break Plans? invasion

work, sleep, eat and poop

-Matthew Gonzalez goin on a road trip with the

best girls in the world!

-Sarah Bonham Camping in East Texas!!

-Ryan York SOUTH PADRE!!

-Julee Lanum

Drink: ChocolateMilk

Snack: Cool Ranch Doritos

Meal: Big Burger and Waffle Fries Make sure you have at least one this week

$1.00 off Basket With Student ID

DDDDDDDDOOOOOOOO YOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOU KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOW WHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHO THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS ISISISISISISISIS????????????????????????

If you do,

tell us at:

ramdiculous.com

And we will put your name in the paper.

LAST WEEK

Microsoft Paper Clip Helper

Thanks to: NO ONE

Page 4 Volume 4 , Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

Jokes You May or May Not Find

on Laffy Taffy Wrappers Q: What do you call a snail on a boat?

A: A snailer! (oh, that’s rich)

Q: What did Delaware? A: A New Jersey! (har har...i nearly wanted to shoot my

self after reading this one)

Q:What did the banana say when it lost its peel?

A: I’m naked!!

For you who cannot get a hand on a Ramdiculous Page, we would like you to always be able to pick up a Ramdiculous Page. We are the voice of [some students at] Angelo State University, and we would l ike to invite all readers, students, faculty, bums, nurses, strippers, monkeys, fictional char-acters, and even Ram Page employees to enjoy us from anywhere in the world so check us out @

RAMDICULOUS.COMRAMDICULOUS.COMRAMDICULOUS.COMRAMDICULOUS.COM

Across from ASU

2424 Vanderventer

(325) 947-9462

There once was a man

named Bryce

Who never was stricken

with lice

He loved to draw

And he had a jaw

But I’m pretty sure he

didn’t bite

POETRY TIME

Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday

Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday

Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Fr iday

Nooma Bible Study,

Monday nights,

7:30 PM, Led by

Curt McNeely and

Seth Chomout

Consumables of the Week Sponsored by:

Ramdiculous Page T-Shirts?

If we were selling them, they would be ten bucks. If

we were selling them, you could go online to

Ramdiculous.com and order one.

Page 5 Volume 4 , Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

Brainteasers

There was no

answer for this…

haha don’t you

feel dumb...

These are some

brainteasers, if you

don’t know what

they are go home…

the answers will be

down there next

week...

purple monkey

dishwasher

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it could be a terrorist. Shoot it

either way.

80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart

Art by:

http://www.isthistomorrow.com/

Djibouti, Africa

U-G-L-Y

144

——————-

estimate

Ramdiculous Page Page 6 Volume 4 , Issue 7

One early mornin g, as I was eating a

bowl of Cheerios and grap plin g with the

ramifications of sleep d eprivation, I

came across an interes ting situ ation.

I had poured a gen erous amount of mi lk

on my c ereal, and I had subconscious ly

begu n to slur p my c ereal from the

spoon, to the gr eat annoy anc e of one of

my breakfast- mates.

"Quit slurping your c ereal," sh e s aid.

Half-as leep, I rep lied, "I c an s lurp if I

want, I'm protected by the First Amend-

ment."

Later, durin g a c affeine-induced aw ake-

ness, "Freedo m of Cereal Slurp age"

crossed my mind again. It's mind-

boggling; I now can't h elp bu t wond er

what all the First Amend ment could

potentially cover. By now, all Good Americans know wh at it DO ES protect :

• Religion, and th e free exercise

thereof

• Speech

• The pr ess

• Peacefu l ass embly

Petitioning of th e govern ment with

grievanc es, yadd a yad da

...and wh at it does NOT obviously cover:

• Free sp eec h for ducks

• Cartoonists interviewing s atirists

on an internet r adio station

Janet J ackson

So as you c an see, c ereal slurp age is in a

gray area. But let me attempt to break this down:

1. Speech is protected by the First

Amen dment.

2. Speech is made by a co mbin ation

of sounds from th e mouth.

3. Slurpin g is also a sound made

from the mouth.

4. Ther efore, slurpin g is protected

by the First Amend ment.

That shou ld do it. This an alysis is so

aweso me that I h ave a h ead ach e just

thinking about it.

To clarify the point, w e tried to co nsult

Supreme Court Chief Justic e John Rob-

erts, but h e h asn't r eturn ed our calls.

Regardless, just imagine the possibilities

if cereal s lurp age is indeed covered

under th e free sp eec h clause. Will th ere

be pub lic displays of Fruit Loops con-

sumption on th e steps of the Lincoln

Memorial? Will w e see court c ases

dealing with the issue of discrimin ation

against Rice Crispies eaters? Will po liti-

cians base an entire c ampaign on a pro-

Wheaties p latform?

Act now. Slurp your c ereal and pr eserve

freedo m and jus tice for all.

—Tho mas Nast

Horoscopes Aries- if you own a laptop, chances are you

won't very soon. It is up to you to keep it.

Taurus- Is your refr igerator running?

George Washington invented it. Pay hom-

age to him.

Gemini- Any attempts at dr iving may be

successful or unsuccessful. Green means go,

red means stop. Obey that, and there are

chances that you may be successful.

Cancer- So whatever happened to the

television we used to have? It is under the

mattress. And it is infected.

Leo- If you eat a philly in the U.C., all the

grease will invade your cells and they will

become bloated, hence contributing to the

effects of global warming.

Virgo- I wish upon a star that someone

would change the amounts of plutonium is

the lake.

Scorpio- Do not let your cell phone battery

get below ¼ power. It will self destruct and

you will be without a phone for at least 594

hours. That 's a long time.

Sagitta rius- the thing in your fridge is

growing. K ill it with some 410. But be

careful. It will blow a hole in your wall.

Capricorn- Be sure to not make babies.

That is a bad idea.

Aquarius- R iding your bicycle is a good way

to stay in shape. Round is a shape.

Pisces- always buy cheap groceries. They are

good for your wallet.

DISCLAIMER (read me)-this art icle is for

entertainment purposes only. Do NOT take

heed to anything in this article. Do not

think about it for more than one minute

because there is no moral value to it. All

you have to do is laugh and move on. This

is sa rcasm at its finest, so don't take it for

any more than that.

ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the Ramdiculous

Page, please contact us at ads@ramdiculous.com

A Brief Treatise about the A Brief Treatise about the A Brief Treatise about the A Brief Treatise about the

Freedom of Cereal SlurpageFreedom of Cereal SlurpageFreedom of Cereal SlurpageFreedom of Cereal Slurpage

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by

many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your

religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers

and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for

many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees

with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all,

then accept it and live up to it.

—Buddha

John’s Words of Wisdom

John The Evangelist

Writer of the Gospel

John The Ramdiculist

Future Pastor

John John John John

Meet Meet Meet Meet

JohnJohnJohnJohn

Darwin Awards January 2008

Pennsylvania

A 23 year old man with

various body piercings

decided to see what it

would feel like to con-

nect his workplace test

equipment to his chest

piercings. Several co-

workers tried to con-

vince him that it was a

bad idea to connect him-

self to the electronic

control tester. He ig-

nored their pleas and

proceeded to connect two

alligator clips to his

piercings. He hit the

test button...

When the police and res-

cue personnel arrived,

his co-workers were

still trying to revive

him with CPR and rescue

breathing. They were not

successful.

Looking for a customized website?

seth@sethlife.com

(512) 567-4460

Ramdiculous Page Page 7 Volume 4 , Issue 7

A� recent� rash� of� chicken� restau-rants� built� in� the� 3000� block� of�Knickerbocker� Road� has� caused�quite� a� stir!� This� area� of� Knicker-bocker,�between�Sunset�Johnson,�is�now�being�called� “The�Poultry�Trian-gle.”� Area� residents�have� reported�strange�psychic�phenomena�occur-ring� in� the�Poultry�Triangle,� concen-trated�mostly�at� the� three�restau-rants� that�do,� in� fact,� form� an� ac-tual� triangle:� Churches,� Popeye’s,�and� the�new�Golden�Chick�establish-ment.����“I�saw�an�apparition�of�KFC's�Colonel�Sanders� count� the� change� in� my�hand�at� the�Popeye’s�drive-through�window,”� reported� Bernard� Stank.�“The� Colonel� watched� me� get� my�money�back� from�the� cashier� and�then� waved� a� piece� of� paper� –� I�think� it� was� a� KFC� coupon.�He� then�vanished,� leaving� only� the� smell� of�mashed� potatoes.� I� guess� even� in�the�afterlife�he’s�willing� to�drum�up�business� for� the� KFC� on� Bryant�Blvd?”���Anita� Lieff,� who� lives� behind� Pop-eye’s,� has�her� own� theory,� “I�wake�up� in� the�morning�and�keep�hearing�this� voice�singing� in�my�head,� ‘I� feel�like� chicken� tonight,� like�

c h i c k e n�tonight’�

which� makes� my� hungry� for�chicken!� I� heard� a� rumor� that� a�squadron� of� air� force� jets�passing�over� the� Poultry� Triangle� disap-peared� from� radar� for� thirty�min-utes!� They� later� resurfaced� over�Abilene.� The� pilots� found� chicken�strips� strewn� all� over� their� cock-pits!”��� Anita� was� so� concerned� that� she�decided� to� consult� local� San� Angelo�psychic� Trina� Eye.�During� a� séance,�Ms.� Eye�began� to�speak� in� tongues,�“Ba�bock,� ba�bock”� and� then� said� a�Spirit�was� telling�her� that�“The�area�is� a� vortex� that� was� built� on� an�ancient� Indian� chicken� burial�ground.”����A�man�buying�a� tuna� fish�sandwich�at�the�Subway�restaurant�on�Knick-erbockers�claims,�“When�I�bit�into�it�I�swear,� the� tuna� tasted� like�chicken!�No�matter� what� I� eat,� it� all� tastes�like�chicken!”�Arby’s,�Sonic,�Wendy’s,�Burger� King� and� Wing�Street� show�increased� sales� of� chicken� items.�Little� Caesars� has� even� added� a�chicken�pizza�to� their�menu�due� to�customer�demand.�Most�odd�of�all,�the�gas�pumps�at�the�Town�&�Coun-try� on� Knickerbocker� are� pumping�out�chicken�grease�instead�of�gaso-line.� The�station�has�now�become�a�haven� for�people� wanting� to� fill� up�their�diesel�vehicles�with�bio�fuel.����Expert� Roger� Allen� of� the� Chicken�Farm� Art� Center� was�called� in� to�

give� his� analysis.� “I� have� no�clue.� I�would� think� the�Poultry�

Triangle� would� geographically�include�the�Chicken�Farm�Art�Center.�We� may� have� to� move� the� whole�art� center� over� to� Knickerbocker�to�get�in�on�the�action.”��

San Angelo’s “Poultry Triangle” Draws

Attention to the Concho Valley

Page 8 Volume 4 , Issue 7Ramdiculous Page

Did you hear about the

shooter on campus?

This is what you might be asked.. Your

answer—“No,” unless you have:

A New ASUPD on Campus Alert System

Sign Up Now on

In this week’s article, we address a common science faux pas, one often encountered by party goers around the planet. So, you are at your little sibling’s birthday party, or maybe it’s just a regular party. And of course, no party would be complete with out an array of colorful, HELIUM FILLED balloons. And as the festivities begin to wind down, it never fails that there will be at least one party attendee who will feel some uncontrollable compulsion to bit into one of those shiny, fat latex orbs and draw a deep, long breath of the elicit gas inside, as thought his inspiration was divinely inspired and acting as if his

very life depended on filling every last alveoli with the ethereal contents of the balloon. And then, taking care to pinch off the would-be dirigible so as not to release the residual gas inside, he begins to speak. We all know what happens next. The leftovers from the party crowd burst into a fit of irrepressible laugh-ter as the sounds that spill forth from the balloon breather’s mouth sounds as if it should be part of a cartoon voice-over. A grown man begins speaking with a tonal quality akin to that of a soprano Donald Duck or a pre-adolescent Mickey Mouse. And then, the inevitable genius chokes his or her laughter long enough to pronounce the scientific reasoning behind the hysterical spectacle of the anomaly… the reason behind the aberration in the pitch of the inhaler’s voice…it’s obvious, isn’t it?…. “BREATHING HELIUM “FREEZES YOUR VOCAL CHORDS”BREATHING HELIUM “FREEZES YOUR VOCAL CHORDS”BREATHING HELIUM “FREEZES YOUR VOCAL CHORDS”BREATHING HELIUM “FREEZES YOUR VOCAL CHORDS”…. and, since everyone at the party already knows this…the

laughter continues until tears and the nose-spewing of various liquids commences… But, alas, as the steward of science for the uninformed public, we must alert you to the folly of this incredibly ri-diculous argument. And, as always, we invite you to reason this out in a somewhat scientific manner: Apparently, the genius pronouncer of the scientific word has never had a “brain freeze”…which is, in essence, a

“throat freeze”, or he would realize that it has little effect on the pitch of your voice. We urge you to try freez-ing (with ice) your vocal chords as a test.

And, apparently, the genius pronouncer may not completely understand the word “freeze”. In the physical realm, “freeze” has something to do with temperature. It seems reasonable (at least to some of us) that a balloon which has been floating around the room at a party all day is very likelyvery likelyvery likelyvery likely at the same temperature as the room. So, unless your party is being held in the Antarctic, it is highly unlikely that the helium in the balloons is “freezing”

We are not really sure who is responsible for the eons of perpetuating the “helium freezes your vocal chords” ru-mor…but now all you lucky readers can get a clue-it is just not true. So, the next time some buffoon (or you) decides to breath in the Helium from a party balloon, at least be smart enough NOT to be the one who makes the inevitable mis-pronouncement of the UN-scientific reason for the hilarious result. You might even want to try saying some-thing smart—and tell everyone the REAL reason….that the speed of sound is FASTER in Helium gas than it is in ordinary air…and it’s the faster speed that makes the pitch of your voice higher…sorry to blow that whole “freezing thing” for some of you…….

KNOWING KNATURE – The Science You thought you knew by D’ino I’talles, affiliated loosely with the Angelo State Award winning SPS Chapter.

Wel come back fol ks to anothe r fe stive

installment about what baste s my oatmeal.

This week, I have chosen to addre ss one of

the groups of people that I know bothe rs

eve ryone on the plane t in some fashion—

rednecks.

First off, their necks are ve ry seldom actu-

ally red. How can you claim yourse lf to be a

redneck if your neck is not red? It just

doe sn' t make sense ! If anything they should

change their group name to brownnecks. I

feel this is more appropriate as they always

have mass quantitie s of dirt upon the ir

neck, hence it is brown. Now of course ,

people will argue that the se people ge t the ir

dirty necks because of the ir work e thic and

dedication to the ir job. That’s gre at and

eve rything, but it bothe rs me to no end. You

people make the rest of us look bad because

you a re up with the sun in your John Dee re

green hats and ove ralls, spittin tobacco and

hoe ing cotton or dead bodie s or whateve r it

is you do out the re. Side note: I he ar that

they wear the ir je ans in the ir boots so that

when they ge t lonely they can grab a goat or

sheep and place its hind le gs in the boots to

ke ep it from running away. And that’s just

nasty! Not only that, but they all drive

ridiculously large trucks that make way too

much noise, and they do it at an incredibly

slow pace. How am I eve r going to ge t

anywhere when I have to drive behind your

mammoth Dodge or Ford or Chevy with its

“humorous ” bumper sticke rs te lling me to

stay back or Yosemite Sam will shoot me , or

Calvin urinating on some obscure obje ct or

anothe r, or my pe rsonal favorite that says

you’re re loading your shotgun as I am

honking at you to go faste r. And what is

with that God awful music?! If I wanted to

hear people whine and cry abou t the ir wife,

dog, goat, cow, cousin, or husband le aving

them, I’d just go to a bar. I don’t ne ed you to

plucky a twangy guitar and try to sing

about it. It’s all so depre ssing. How come all

of the rednecks you mee t are depre ssed? It

doe sn' t make sense. If they love what they

do and the cl othe s that they wear (which

are just a fashion risk in themselves) why

do they croon about such te rrible, depre ss-

ing things. It’s just annoying. Quit whining

about life and do something to change it if

you a ren’t happy! And that is what baste s

my oatmeal. Good d ay.

Ramdiculous Page: Equal

Opportunity Offender

We also have the

RAMDICULOUS

PAGE

in color, online!

Time to play the Google lottery again. If

you are not familiar with this column, it’s

because it’s debut was on the page that

wasn’t printed in the last issue, due to an

error. You can catch the first column at

http://www.ramd iculous.com or on the

extra page of this issue. After reading what

topic I will be covering in this edition of

my essay ser ies, I have decided I shall open

a door. If there is a topic you would like to

see me cover, feel free to ema il the topic to

me at essays@ramdiculous.com. That way,

I won’t have to write about such a contro-

versial topic as:

My Views On Sexism and

Male/Female Roles

An Essay by Je rry Yorke

Sexism is alive and well in America. Well,

not only in America, but in the entire

world. I recently read a news story about

Iraqi women being attacked for wearing

make-up, for not wearing veils, and even

for being educated. So much for delivering

Democracy. If a country like America can’t

even deliver Maybelline and Cover G irl,

Democracy might prove to be a tougher

export.

Meanwhile, back on U.S. soil, a man tells

Hillary Clinton, at one of her rallies, to

iron h is shirt. While she laughed it off, I

know she hurt ins ide. If she doesn’t get

elected to the Presidency, McCain or

Obama might send her to the Cab inet

instead. You know, the one full of spices,

ingredients and cookware. And when she

asks for a position in the REAL Cabinet,

they will appoint her as head of the De-

partment of Laundry and D ry Cleaning.

At least, that’s the way it happens in her

nightmares. That wouldn’t fly in the

professional real world.

Then again, what is allowed to fly in the

professional real world? If you haven’t

heard “That’s what she said!” in your

workplace by now, you either work with

deaf-mutes, or you just aren’t privileged

enough to work for a company like Dun-

der-Mifflin. As for deaf-mutes, there has

got to be a way to say it in s ign language,

and I would love to see it, no offense to

them. I reckon a w ink and a thumbs-up

would be part of it.

So I am, by now, probably being labeled a

sexist with a cold heart towards the handi-

capped. The th ing is, that couldn’t be

further from the truth. So now that I have

laid down the cards, time to talk about the

Male/Female role. I don’t know what kind

of relationships you have been in, but in

mine, I have tradit ionally been doing the

things I joke about. And that’s what hurts.

I can only joke about it, because it w ill

never be true. You have no idea how many

shirts (or rather, blouses) I have ironed.

One girlfriend would get mad if I didn’t

starch their pants right. If their breakfast

didn’t taste quite right, I would wear it to

school. If their dinner wasn’t ready at 6PM

sharp, I was going to need some of that

Maybelline the Iraqi’s can’t get a hold of.

How else am I going to explain the black-

eye to my friends, tell them I’m in a Fight

Club? Ah, but if I told them that, I would

be breaking the first rule of Fight Club.

You do not talk about Fight Club.

Hmmm, and I guess the 2nd rule, too. I

have said too much.

The thing is, why does there have to be

“the pants”? We have come a long way

since the Women’s R ights movement, but

not quite enough, it seems. If my girlfriend

wants to wear pants, she can wear them. I

wear nothing but pants, it’s not quite

shorts weather yet. Is “the pants” supposed

to be a hint towards the stereotype that

women need to wear only dresses and

skirts? Now that I th ink about it, if I was

married to a woman like June Cleaver, I

would take a cleaver to my neck and f inish

myself off, Sweeney Todd-style. I can’t

stand the thought of having a wife that ices

cakes, prepares roasts and offers “Southern

hospitality” 24/7 to anyone that walks into

the house, even a burglar. Not only will

that burglar get away with my collection of

Cracker Jack pr izes (those th ings w ill be

worth $1, someday), he w ill get a slice of

cake and a glass of fresh-squeezed lemon-

ade on his way out.

Now to my conclusion: Do you see why we

need to eliminate the traditional male/

female roles? If watching “The Stepford

Wives” wasn’t enough to make you want

to find a gold-digging, chain-smo king, man

-beating, flannel-wearing, and any other

combination of two words that can be

separated by a hyphen, kind of woman, I

hope this essay did. Do you want to cook

dinner? Your girlfriend probably doesn’t

want to, either. Solution: eat out. Weird

Al recommends cheeseburgers, only on-

ions. Do you want to do the laundry?

Probably not. Good news, Holiday Clean-

ers wants to do your laundry, for a pr ice.

It’s called compromise, and it can save you

like Eli Sunday can. And for all the

women who are th inking I left them out,

no, I didn’t. I just told your man what he

should do to make it easier for you.

That is, unless you are like my man-beating

ex-girlfriend, please make it easier for him.

Until next time,

-Jerry Yorke

Page 9 Volume 4 , Issue 7Ramdiculous Page

At the age of twenty-four, I was

more prepared for death than I

was for life. What shall I say of

these save that they too stand in

the sunlight, but with their

backs to the sun? The key to the

missionary’s difficult task is in

the hand of God, and that key is

prayer, not work—that is, not

work as the word is commonly

used today, which often results

in the shifting of our focus away

from God. Gone were the

dreams of love and acceptance as

she tended to her three children.

Next to the Colosseum in

Rome, there aren’t many more

famous sports arenas in the

world than the House That

Ruth Built. Some things never

change. Parsing an anger experi-

ence has led to more under-

standing of myself, more clarity

about where my work is, and

more responsibility for my own

reactions. We do not meditate

to become serene, but only to be

here now. Paradoxes are not

contradictions. Formerly a pri-

vate estate with panoramic views

of the Hudson River and the

Palisades, Wave Hill has, at vari-

ous times in its history, been

home to a British U.N. ambassa-

dor as well as Mark Twain and

Theodore Roosevelt. The very

thing that presses so hard against

you is the perfect tool, in the

hand of the Master, to shape you

for eternity. We are apt to say,

“It is not at all likely that having

been through the greatest crisis

in my life I would now turn back

to the things of the world.” And

this also, though the word lie

heavy upon your hearts: The

murdered is not unaccountable

for his own murder, And the

robbed is not blameless in being

robbed. I stood, trying to clear

my head. So saying he made a

signal to the seamen, and

straightway they weighed anchor

and cast the ship loose from its

moorings, and they moved east-

ward. Patience is not the same as

indifference; patience conveys

the idea of someone who is tre-

mendously strong and able to

withstand all assaults. Use your

painful circumstances to help

you care for others dealing with

similar difficulties. The country’s

oldest orchestra is now under

the guidance of distinguished

conductor Lorin Maazel, for-

merly of the Bavarian Radio

Symphony Orchestra. The very

suffering that we caused became

the hope of our salvation. I

choose reconciliation and for-

giveness; I let go of the need for

revenge. My sexual choices make

me feel better and better about

myself. And now it’s time for my

one man show entitled Winston

Churchill, We Hardly Knew

Ye… Would you like some tea

and crumpets? I would because

I’m Winston Churchill! Please

follow the steps below: This

device complies with part 15 of

FCC Rules. Operation is subject

to the following two conditions:

1) This device may not cause

harmful interference, and 2) this

device must accept any interfer-

ence received, including interfer-

ence that may cause undesired

operation.

—Alberth Einsteineth

World At a Glance: The End All, Be All of Infrared Technological Advances And Their Subsequent

Demolition of Nazism in Madagascar

Real Essay Topics, Ramdiculous ResponsesReal Essay Topics, Ramdiculous ResponsesReal Essay Topics, Ramdiculous ResponsesReal Essay Topics, Ramdiculous Responses

Ramdiculous Page

10,000 BC

(10:00), (10:40), (1:00), (1:40), (4:00),

(4:40), 7:00, 7:40, 10:00, 10:40

College Road Trip

(10:55), (1:55), (4:55), 7:55, 10:55

The Bank Job

(10:15), (1:15), (4:15), 7:15, 10:15

Vantage Point

(10:30), (1:30), (4:30), 7:30, 10:30

Jumper

(10:50), (1:50), (4:50),

7:10, 7:50, 10:10, 10:50

MoviesMoviesMoviesMovies That We Want To SeeThat We Want To SeeThat We Want To SeeThat We Want To See

Page 10

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