Klondikes and Icons

Picture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the Week

this is why you should wear a seat belt.

Shakespeare

(Dramatization)

Saturday - Polish Solidarity Day (stick together, all you Poles)

Sunday - National Sundae Day

(isn't that a bit repetitively redundant?)

Monday - Exotic Dancer's Day (fulfill your dream of

being a professional skank)

Tuesday - Tooth Collection Day (busy day if you're a toothfairy)

Wednesday - Operating Room Nurse Day

Thursday - National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

(do it, there's mold in the back)

Ramdiculous Observances

Submit your photos at ramdiculous.com

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his head could make him look any more ridiculous than he already does of his own accord. What pre-tention! Meatloaf's not the only person to have turned down a Klondike offer though. Britney Spears, that loveable train wreck of a human being, has also shunned the Klondike brand. All they asked

What would you do for a Klondike bar? That famous eternal question. Some peo-ple sing I'm a Little Tea Pot while others dance the Maca-rena. But what of those who refuse to do anything for a Klondike bar? Do they spon-taneously combust or simply not get the chance to enjoy the wonders of ice cream covered in chocolate? It is said that a person cannot truly have lived until they have had a Klondike bar, but that is simply not true. Plenty of people have never had Klon-dike bars either by choice or their refusal to do something in order to obtain them. Most

notably, Meatloaf stands out as a person in the latter grouping. He will do anything for love, but he won't do that. And what is the "that" to which he refers in his song? Well, we have it on good au-thority, straight from the source, that the "that" is in fact dancing around with a coffee filter on his head while rubbing his stomach and say-ing the alphabet backwards in Greek. Oh no, he won't do that! But he'll wear a Shake-spearean shirt and leather pants to make a music video for the world to see. What a hypocrite! As if dancing around with a coffee filter on

Angelo State ' s Finest Paper Since Fal l 2006

Included in this issue:

Ram of the Week 2

Movie Review 2

Quote of the Week 3

Facebook Invasion 3

Poetry Time 4

Who’s this? 4

Thoughts To Ponder 5

Brainteasers 5

Movies 8

Dante Residential 7

Colbert Cornert 5

Mythbusters 7

So Damn Awesome 6

A

November 9, 2007

Wish-Granting Championship Day

Volume 3, Issue 7

Continued on page 3

Ram of the Week

Awkwardness...

Having a 65 year old man touch the small of your back

at work for no reason...

This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that

make a normal person feel awkward…

Submit your thoughts @ ramdiculous.com

American Gangster

James is cool. He plays bass in a band (way cool), and

can also sing pretty well (also cool). And he has a cool

girlfriend. So go hang out with him and you’ll be cool,

too.

American Gangster is a movie with obvious gravitas

and a familiar argument: Organized crime is

outsider capitalism. As archetypal as its title, Ridley

Scott's would-be epic aspires to enshrine Harlem

dope king Frank Lucas in Hollywood heaven, heir

to Scarface. Or, as suggested by the Mark Jacobson

article on Lucas that inspired the movie, a real-life

Superfly.

Ambitious as American Gangster is, it's well suited

to Denzel Washington's particular star quality — the

circumspect badass. Washington plays Lucas as a

combination of ruthless thug and gentlemanly

striver. His two sides are established in a murky

opening sequence when, factotum to old-school

crime boss Bumpy Johnson, Lucas torches a guy in

one shot and tosses Christmas turkeys to the crowd

in the next.

It's 1968, and Bumpy is complaining that corpora-

tions are pushing out the middle man. He then

drops dead in the very chain-store outlet that

prompted his disquisition, leaving Lucas to create a

new empire — by eliminating the middle man.

Rather than dealing with the mob, Lucas figures

out a way to import high-grade heroin direct from

Indochina. Then he takes Harlem by storm, selling

smack that's twice as good for half the price under

the label Blue Magic.

To balance the moral equation, a Lucas nemesis is

introduced in the form of actual police detective

Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe). As Lucas is a

visionary, Roberts is a man of stoopid integrity.

Busting a bookie, he finds a car stuffed with

unmarked bills and actually brings it in as evi-

dence—causing his partner, soon to be revealed as a

drooling junkie, to moan: "I'm a leper because I

listened to you and turned in a million bucks."

For all of American Gangster's discreet period

markers and cleverly cobbled-together locations, it

doesn't get the period's putrid exhilaration, the

sense of irreversible decay and giddy disorder.

Scrupulously academic, it does acknowledge the key

texts of the day: Scott recycles the theme from

Across 110th Street, references Sidney Lumet's

Prince of the City, and draws on the quintessential

New York dope opera so closely that his movie

might have been subtitled The "French Connec-

tion" Connection.

American Gangster functions on parallel tracks: As

Roberts recruits a posse of lowlife cops, so Lucas

brings his brothers up from North Carolina to help

in the business. As the cop's marriage falls apart, the

gangster treats his wife, Miss Puerto Rico 1970, like

a queen. Both men are humiliated and threatened

by the predatory animals of the NYPD's corrupt

Special Investigations Unit. American Gangster and

Honest Cop, each played by an Oscar-winning

tough guy, finally converge when Roberts stakes out

the Ali-Frazier fight and, spotting the self-effacing

Lucas ringside, has to wonder: "Who is that guy?"

Who indeed? Lucas is self-made with a vengeance, a

cold-blooded killer and warm-hearted family man in

one tightly wound package. It's one of the movie's

running gags that nobody — certainly no white

person, save Roberts — seems able to understand

that Lucas actually works for himself. American

Gangster more than makes its point regarding his

entrepreneurial spirit. But Roberts is actually more

enigmatic: What makes him so irrationally honest?

Could it be the same thing that inspires Lucas? Late

in the movie, the gangster dodges an assassin's

bullet and waxes indignant: "I ain't running from

nobody — this is America."

At 157 minutes, the movie is a tad leisurely in

letting the audience in on Lucas's secret dope-

smuggling method — a social metaphor that gives

the notion "wrapped in the flag" a whole new

meaning. But overall, a well constructed film with a

few too many random breasts that can sometimes

distract from the story. I'd have to say that for all it's

hype and the delivery it came with, this film is at

best a highly rated B+ film. Not a must see, nor as

poetic as The Godfather, but damn close.

Page 2 Volume 3, Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

The Weekly Journal Over the years of my vane existence, many people have asked me how to

take a photograph and make it well and good. I for one, have never been

known to take good photos, much less any photos at all. My camera is in

my head, and my eyes are the lenses. They even operate up to 10x zoom

at 1120 by 1900 resolution. Well after much debacle, I gathered all of our

committee of photography here at ASU and came up with a checklist of

how to take a decent photograph as to not embarrass yourself the next

time your visit Niagara Falls and end up with a picture of one of your

distal phalanges (if you don’t know what this is, then do not reproduce).

And here they are…

Turn camera on- all camera usually have an on/off switch. Except for

disposables. They are weird. But they have directions. Follow them.

Put your eye on the aimer-thing- it is usually the size of a dime on the

back of the camera. Its purpose is to aid the photographer in centering

the object of the photograph. Do not jam it into your eye. Just place it

about one inch from it.

Find something to photograph- Go outdoors. Find something pretty. Like

a tree or rock perched in a precarious position. But no whales. Nobody

wants to see whales, even the proverbial ones.

“Pull the trigger”- Seriously. Does anybody really know what its scientific

name is? If you do, I will give you my Rambucks. All 0 of them. The trig-

ger is usually located on the top right of the camera. A button. Find it.

Apply pressure.

Picture is taken!- You are 3/4 the way through. Don’t stop now. Feel the

burn. Walk to Wal-Mart and give it to the picture lady and ask for cook-

ies. If she doesn’t have any cookies, go to Albertfather’s (you know what

I’m talking about).

This just about does it for (Twilight Zone voice) How to take a photo-

graph! YAY!

-George Ferguson

p.s. Be sure and plenty to ask for the cookies. If she doesn’t give you cook-

ies, she is not worthy to touch your photographs. Avoid the temptation of

Wal-Mart’s really, really ridiculously low prices and go give money to the

poor! SAVE THE WORLD!

James

Kelly

her to do was stop making music and children, but she couldn't even do that! She would rather be married to and then divorce a back-up dancer/crappy rap wanna-be. And who can forget that she also encour-ages domestic abuse (no wonder she's an unfit mother). Don't believe it? Well, how about that time when she kept asking all of America to "hit her, baby, one more time?" Additionally, some have speculated that this was a foreboding statement about how she wanted her nanny to treat her, as yet, unborn children. So what exactly is the point in all this frivol-ity? If you ever become a pop star, accept the offers of the Klondike folks and do whatever they ask you to get one of those scrumtrulescent Klondike bars. Not only will you advance your career by being a love-able icon, the world will soon rediscover the joy of Klondike, thus making my personal stock skyrocket. So, if you won't do it for yourself, please do it for me. I could use the boost.

--Samuel Clemens If you could go anywhere

in the world, where would it be?

BSM ActivitiesBSM ActivitiesBSM ActivitiesBSM Activities

Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday

Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday

Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Friday

Upcoming EventsUpcoming EventsUpcoming EventsUpcoming Events

ASU Concert Chorale, Holiday

Concert, 7:30 p.m. Nov. 20,

Southland Baptist Church

Woodwind Chamber Concert,

7:30 p.m. Nov. 27, Carr

Recital Hall

Quote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the Week

“I love you too… asshole”

Consumables of the

Week

Drink: Chocolate Milkshake

Snack: Reese’s Make sure you have at

least one this week

Wrigley Field, mid-July.

-Bryce Parsons

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

WEATHER:

This Week’s Happenings

Page 3 Volume 3, Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

I'd have to say, April 25th.

Because it's not too hot, not

too cold. all you need is a light

jacket!

-Brian Wingert

Kitale, Kenya

-Tyler Weldon Television… If you want it back let us know…

When our favorite shows come back we will put

random ones here… i.e. Lost...

Continued from page 1

DDDDDDDDOOOOOOOO YOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOU KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOW WHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHO

THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS ISISISISISISISIS????????????????????????

If you do,

tell us at:

ramdiculous.com

And we will put your name in

the paper.

CHECK US

OUT @

Page 4 Volume 3, Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

When passions burn and tempers flare

When hell is raised without a care

When crazy mobs

invade the club

And vicious druids are in your pub

Aardvark dressing

POETRY TIME

Aries- The computer at which you sit during the day will not be there

tomorrow. Gaspar took it.

Taurus- Keep the cell phone at least five feet from your head. Or you will have deformed babies that can

recite the constitution in reverse.

Gemini- Get your flu shot. You may be the cause of the end of the world. With all the fire and stuff.

Cancer- Beanie Weenies are your friend. Eat many. They say hot dogs and hot dog relatives have a high

concentration of preservatives. These preservatives may keep you safe through the fire and stuff.

Leo- Nardo…

Virgo- Stay away from water on smooth floors. They will be your downfall.

Scorpio- You will allow yourself to try to put out a grease fire with water. But before you do, tell the others to evacuate the premises.

Sagittarius- A mountain will collapse in your sight.

Capricorn- Pink Floyd sucks.

Aquarius- the most annoying word to try to type on a computer in the MCS at 11:30 pm on computer #67.

Pisces- a table will collapse, spilling your week’s worth of food on the floor then a group of vultures will swoop down, apparently out of no-

where and devour it all in what seems like .78 seconds (before you can call your hillbilly uncle over to shoost them with a shoostgun). Sucks

for you.

Horoscopes

Page 5 Volume 3, Issue 7 Ramdiculous Page

Thoughts To Ponder

• If humans evolved from monkeys/apes, why are they

still here?

• Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you

can just pick them up anyway?

• If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have

people food cake in heaven?

Brainteasers

Looking for a customized

website for your business?

Give us a call and set up a meeting.

seth@sethlife.com

(512) 567-4460

A These are some

brainteasers, if you

don’t know what

they are go home…

the answers will be

down there next

week...

Words of wisdom from the great

Stephen Colbert

“If it happens in Argentina, it could

just as easily happen here. Just look at

gaucho pants.”

“Let’s invade Poland.”

Art by:

http://www.isthistomorrow.com/

80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart

Ring around the rosey

Blowing smoke up your

butt

Foreplay

Bugs Bunny

From Loony Tunes

Thank you Chelsea Deck, Beth Seymour, Derek Durst and

Amber Barker

c

o

n

home

stove

16

Ramdiculous Page Page 6 Volume 3, Issue 7

Good morning/noon/afternoon/late afternoon/evening/night, small regional band of followers. As many of you may know, or not if you're too lazy or

apathetic to care, Stephen Colbert recently was denied the right to be on the Democratic ballot in his home state of South Carolina for the upcoming

Presidential primaries. While this may be of little concern to you, it is of mammoth importance to those of us here at the Ramdiculous Page. Why, you may

ask? Why does it matter whether or not Stephen Colbert made the ballot in South Carolina? Because, region, WE SAID SO! Not to mention, he's freaking

Stephen Colbert! That being said, in our ever progressing quest to pay adequate homage to such an awesome man, we offer our own version of Stephen

Colbert's Threatdown. *insert cool noise intro and flying graphic*

Ramdiculous Page Threatdown

5. Pez Dispensers. Sure, they give you candy and have fun little heads on them that are "collectible," but don't you find it a little bit creepy that you eat from

the characters' neck? If I wanted to eat food from someone's neck, I'd find a tracheotomy patient and wait for them to eat something. Then I'd open up the

hole in their throat and wait for the pre-chewed goodness to flow like a thick custard into my mouth. Quit trying to make smoking excessively cool, Big

Tobacco.

4. Big Tobacco. Yes, you. You know what you did.

3. Malted Milk Balls. With your mentality of "everybody loves anything covered in chocolate" you have usurped our taste buds and hijacked our sense of

moral decency. You've tricked us into eating you and thinking that we're getting some sort of chocolate covered malt when really all you are is puffy balls of

air with what tastes like chalk inside a chocolate shell. The real threat here is that some of them are rock hard on the inside instead of semi-soft and they

break our teeth. Thanks for that, didn't really need my molars anyway. Guess I'll just go find a tracheotomy patient and wait for some goo to fall into my

mouth since I can't chew food anymore!

2. Monkeys named Donkey. Come on! Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messing with my brain

1. South Carolina Democrats. How dare you turn down Stephen Colbert? What gives you the right to do such a thing, especially considering how you are

the left? You have destroyed the hope and dream of one of America's last remaining pure-hearted, almost politicians. For shame on you South Caro-

lina...and after he was proclaimed your state's Favorite Son. At least if Colbert had come to Texas and we had proclaimed him OUR Favorite Son, we

wouldn't then stop on all his dreams like you, you Indian givers! What is he supposed to do with all those free, delicious Doritos now? Hope you can sleep

at night with that on your conscience. And there you have it, dear friends, our homage to Stephen Colbert and his inventive and insightful Threatdown.

Come back next time for part seven of our continuing 13 part series, Why Is Stephen Colbert So Damn Awesome.

By: Sir Walter Raleigh

Now that we are on the down hill side of the semester, it’s very important

that we all are adequately prepared to finish strong. So, through extensive

research, I have compiled the following list of ideas for how to maximize

your productivity from here on out.

1. First of all, you have to make sure not to get too stressed. Excessive

stress can actually lead to a poorer performance, so if you feel as though

you are beginning to feel overwhelmed, just say “screw it”, and go eat a

corn dog.

2. Second, always go to class. You may feel like you’d rather stay in bed

and sleep, but you will do much better if you go to class and sleep. That

way your subconscious will learn the information, and that way, all you

have to do is go to sleep when you’re taking the test, and your subcon-

scious will take it for you.

3. Be sure that you don’t let your professors put any unnecessary pres-

sure on you. If they try to tell you something about how their class is im-

portant and you need to stay awake, just zone out and pretend to care.

4. Lastly, if all else fails, pay your professors to give you better grades.

Success Is Just A Milkshake Away

Q: Why did the children eat their homework?

A: The teacher told them it was a piece of cake! (hope it were

chocolate)

Q: What did the tree say to the wind?

A: Blow me! (that's a knee slapper, folks)

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Where's my tractor?! (oh man, that's a classic)

Q: What has ten letters and starts with gas?

A: An automobile! (go head, count it. you know you just did)

Jokes You May or May Not Find on Laffy Taffy Wrappers

Ramdiculous Page

Ok Ram Rugby fans, this year there are only two home

games left, so plan for them.

Saturday, December 15, 2007 (alumni game)

Saturday, January 19, 2008 (University of Texas)

Remember: new players are always welcome.

(November 1997, Pennsylvania) Wayne Roth, 38, of Pittston, was bitten by a cobra

belonging to his friend, Roger Croteau, after playfully reaching into the tank and

picking up the snake. Wayne subsequently refused to go to a hospital, telling Roger,

"I'm a man, I can handle it." Falser words have seldom been spoken. Instead of a

hospital, Wayne reported to a bar. He had three drinks, and enjoyed bragging that

he had just been bitten by a cobra. Cobra venom is a slow-acting central nervous

system toxin. He died within a few hours, in Jenkins Township, Pennsylvania.

(2006, England) Two people, 17 and 20, imitated Darth Vader and made

light sabres from fluorescent light tubes. That's right, they opened up

fluoresceent tubes, poured gasoline inside, and lit the end... As one can

imagine, a Star Wars sized explosion was not far behind. Both participants

survived to confess to their creative, but stupid, filmed reenactment.

(14 February 2002, Pennsylvania) Daniel and his friend were practicing

their marksmanship by shooting at targets in a farm field. But instead of

the usual choices of mice, bottles, or birds, they selected a more worthy

adversary: electrical insulators.

These pear-shaped glass or plastic devices are intended to hold electrical wires aloft.

But after the men shot six insulators off two utility poles, the shattered targets were

no longer up to the job. A high-voltage wire fell to the ground and Daniel, attempt-

ing to prevent a serious fire, seized the sizzling wire in his hand, and was electro-

cuted.

An Allegheny Power spokesman advised people not to shoot at electrical insulators.

Ramdiculous Page T-Shirts? Yes, they are coming!!!

Do you have a great shirt idea? Send it to us at

page@ramdiculous.com

Page 7 Volume 3, Issue 7

Darwin Awards

Apparently the Ram Page Staff wants to know who we are.

They think that when we become an official organization

that they will know who everyone in our organization is…

that is hilarious… We love those guys, but they will proba-

bly never know who we are. :), apparently they are too lazy

to do any real research, because even a former professor at

ASU figured it out without any help from us… So how

about the Ram Page do some real reporting and figure out

who we are, before we tell the Student Senate, now that

would be impressive… GOOD LUCK

Ramdiculous Page

R A M D I C U L O U S P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This

newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or

anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech

University system or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please

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you are a teacher you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.

American Gangster

4:15PM 7:15PM 8:05PM

Lions for lambs

11:00am 2:00pm 5:00pm 8:00pm

10:45pm

Bee movie

10:30AM 10:50AM 1:30PM

1:50PM 4:30PM 4:50PM

7:30PM 7:50PM 10:15PM 10:40PM

Fred claus

10:15AM 10:40AM 1:15PM

1:40PM 4:15PM 4:40PM

7:15PM 7:40PM 10:00PM 10:30PM

MoviesMoviesMoviesMovies That We Want To SeeThat We Want To SeeThat We Want To SeeThat We Want To See

A

e-mail: page@ramdiculous.com

Ramdiculous Staff

Find out Soon!

To Bring *REAL* News to ASU

WE ’RE ONLINE

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