30 Rock--"United Nations"

8/13/2019 30 Rock--"United Nations"

1/36

30 ROCK

United Nations

by

Casey Callaghan


2/36

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. JACKS OFFICE - DAY

JACK leans against the front of his desk, drink in hand. A

pile of wooden pieces sits on the floor. Jack stares at the

pile as if trying to will it to assemble. LIZ enters.

LIZ

Hey Jack, you ever notice that no

matter how busy you are, youre

always able to see me on

Thursdays?

JACKI dont have time for you to be

meta, Lemon. I have figure out

how to put this crib together.

LIZ

A crib? Cant one of your

servants do that?

JACK

Normally yes, but Avery asked me

to do this personally. She saysit symbolizes the bond I have

with my daughter. I say its a

waste of time that could be spent

schmoozing Ivy League deans to

get her into a good school.

LIZ

Already? Wont most of them be

dead by the time she gets to

college?

JACK

Not college, Lemon.

He hands Liz a flyer.


3/36

LIZ

(reading from flyer)

Little Lawyers Preschool?

She opens the flyer.

JACK

The Half-Pint Harvard.

LIZ

(still reading)

They have an Olympic-size

swimming pool?

JACK

Failure to get into that school

will haunt her for the rest of

her professional career. So now,

instead of calling admissions

boards and pretending to support

arts education, I have to build a

wooden box that may as well be my

daughters academic coffin.

LIZ

Youre a Six-Sigma! Shouldnt

this take you, like, twenty

minutes?

JACK

Im an executive! I work with my

heads, not my hands!

LIZ

Your heads?

JACK

Think about it, Lemon.

She does.

LIZ

Gross, what kind of work do you

do with your -- nope, never mind.

JACK

What do you need, Lemon?


4/36

LIZ

Danny has some friends flying in

from Canada and he wanted to get

them tickets to the show.

JACK

Damn freeloaders. We let them

live in our attic, isnt that

enough?

LIZ

Maybe, but American taxes do come

out of his paycheck.

JACK

I guess I do owe him that much.

Alright, his friends can have

tickets to the show, but only if

he lets me box him on Boxing Day.

LIZ

Boxing, huh? I thought you didnt

work with your hands.

JACK

Who says Im going to use my

hands?

Liz looks at him quizzically.

Jack holds up his right hand. On one of his fingers is a

long, tiny leather sleeve with a boxing glove on the end.

Jack and the boxing glove finger puppet look at his junk,

then back at Lemon. Jack makes the boxing glove nod.

END COLD OPEN


5/36

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LIZS OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY

Liz is at her computer when PETE enters.

PETE

Hey Liz?

LIZ

Whats up?

PETE

We need to set up for rehearsal

but Tracy wont stop rehearsing

his Harlem Boys Choir.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. TGS STAGE - MOMENTS AGO

Tracy is onstage. He is holding a baton and in front of him

is a stand with sheet music on it.

TRACY

No, no! The tenors are still toosharp! I knew I shouldve gotten

you all castrated!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. LIZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Liz and Pete are as we left them.

LIZ

(sighs)Im on it.

INT. TGS BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER

Tracy enters from the stage with about 30 young boys in

tow.


6/36

TRACY

(to the room)

Who wants to hear a Tracy Jordan

comedy bomb?

Everyone in earshot cheers.

Tracy prepares to deliver his comedy bomb, but Liz rushes

in to stop him.

LIZ

No, no, that just means hes

about to fart.

Liz leads Tracy away. Seconds later some of the boys

grimace and wave their hands in front of their noses.

INT. TRACYS DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

TRACY

Whats wrong, LL? You used to

love that joke.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. LIZS OFFICE - DAY

Tracy and Liz are both laughing, Tracy sincerely and Lizmore forced.

LIZ

Oh Tracy!

CLOSEUP: LIZS BUTT

Liz lifts one buttcheek off of her chair.

CUT BACK TO:


Tracy and Liz are as we left them.


7/36

LIZ

Yes, well, times change. Anyway,

I need a favor. Danny has some

friends coming in from Canada and

I would like you to meet them at

the airport.

TRACY

Ah yes, because I am the TGS

Foreign Relations Liaison.

LIZ

What?

TRACY

You appointed me when those

Germans came to buy NBC.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. OUTSIDE TRACYS DRESSING ROOM- DAY

Tracy exits his dressing room and walks quickly down the

hallway.

TRACY

Alright, Ill behave myself, but

they better not try to put me in

a concentration camp. Im alreadyvery good at--

Something catches his eye. Changing directions, he walks

toward it.

CUT BACK TO:


Tracy and Liz havent moved.

LIZ

You remember that?

TRACY

Of course I remember that! My

mind is like a steel trap! What

were we talking about?


8/36

LIZ

Their flight gets in at 3:15, so

you need to be there by 3:30.

TRACY

You can count on me, Liz Lemon.

Itll be like Driving Miss

Daisy, except with a black guy.

LIZ

Morgan Freeman is black, Tracy.

Tracy laughs.

TRACY

No hes not. Have you heard his

artic-a-lation?

INT. JACKS OFFICE - LATER

Jack holds open the door to his office. JONATHAN enters and

Jack closes the door. There is still a pile of wood on the

floor.

JACK

Thank you for coming Jonathan, I

know youre on lunch.

JONATHAN

Thats okay sir. My mother says I

need to lose weight. Besides, I

would follow you to the ends of

the Earth.

JACK

(to himself)

Unfortunately, youd also follow

me back.

JONATHAN

What was that, sir?

JACK

Nothing. You have some

woodworking experience, correct?


9/36

JONATHAN

Yes sir. I used to be a

lumberjack.

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Jonathan is in the woods with a chainsaw, wearing flannel

and blue jeans and sporting a full beard. He saws through a

large pine tree. We hear it fall, followed by car alarms,

metal and glassed being destroyed, and an explosion or two.

Horrified, Jonathan whips out his cell phone and dials.

JONATHAN

Mr. Leno? Remember that favor you

owe me?

CUT BACK TO:

INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Jack and Jonathan are as we left them.

Jack gestures to the wood pile.

JACK

Excellent. I need this crib

assembled by seven.

JONATHAN

No problem sir. It will be my

finest work since your birthday

present. ...Where is that, by the

way?

JACK

I sold it to the Met. They were

very interested in adding it to

their...collection.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART COAT CHECK - NIGHT

A queue leads to a coat check station, where a COAT CHECKER

politely waits to help the next patron.


10/36

COAT CHECKER

May I have your number, please?

A PATRON hands her the number, and she retrieves his coat.

It is hanging on a marble statue in Jacks likeness.

Several coats are hanging from the statue, including one

from its penis. A coat checker removes that coat, but

before whats underneath is revealed...

CUT BACK TO:

INT. TRACYS CAR - LATER

Danny and Tracy are waiting outside the airport.

DANNY

Thank you again, Tracy. I really

appreciate this.

TRACY

No problem! It is my pleasure, as

both a fellow actor, and as the

TGS Foreign Relations Liaison.

DANNY

Youre really taking that

seriously, arent you?

TRACY

I have to! Can you imagine if

Toofer was our Foreign Relations

Liaison?

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - EVENING

Toofer is seated at a table with two Brazilian businessmen.

TOOFER

I hope you enjoy your dinners,

gentlemen. The head chef here

worked in the White House during

the Reagan administration.


11/36

BUSINESSMAN #1

(Portuguese, with subtitles)

I dont see chicken and waffles

anywhere on the menu!

BUSINESSMAN #2

(Portuguese, with subtitles)

When is Kanye West joining us?

CUT BACK TO:

INT. TRACYS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Danny and Tracy are still waiting for Dannys friends.

DANNY

I cant believe youre wearing a

tuxedo.

TRACY

Of course I am, Dan Band! I might

be the first American they ever

meet. You gotta look sharp to

represent this country.

Danny laughs.

DANNY

Whats with the hat?

TRACY

(conspiratorially)

Thats so they cant take my

picture when I run red lights.

Danny isnt sure what to make of this.

TRACY (CONTD)

Nah, Im just kidding! Its so

Howard Stern cant read mythoughts through the radio.

Danny is relieved... kind of.


12/36

DANNY

Oh! ...Well, I hope these guys

arent too rowdy for you. They

can get a little... rambunctious.

TRACY

Are you kidding me? I invented

that word! You look it up in the

dictionary and you gonna find my

picture! Thatsbecause I tape a

headshot in there every time I go

to the library.

At that moment, the back door of Tracys car opens and

three large, boisterous Canadians come bounding in.

DOUGIE

Dann-ay!

DANNY

Doug-ay!

They perform a complicated handshake that theyve clearly

been honing over many years.

DANNY (CONTD)

Tracy, these are my friends--

DOUGIE sits in the back seat.

DANNY (CONTD)(OS)

--Dougie--

Dougie waves enthusiastically.

DANNY (CONTD)(OS)

--Gordie--

GORDIE is seated next to Dougie and waves even more

enthusiastically.

DANNY (CONTD)(OS)

--and Chucky.

A Chucky doll sits next to Gordie and laughs evilly.

Tracy is terrified.


13/36

DANNY (CONTD)

(explaining)

Hes from Quebec.

Tracy accepts this explanation.

DOUGIE

Alright, lets get some music in

here, huh!?

Dougie reaches into the front seat and turns on the radio.

Before Tracy can stop this appalling breach of the social

contract, Dougie fiddles with knobs until he hits on a rock

station playing a band that sounds a lot like Rush. Tracy

is aghast, until...

DANNY, DOUGIE, GORDIE

(singing)

His names Huck Finn, hes a man

of sin, and hes riding a raft

down a river of looove!

Tracy is horrified at what he has gotten himself into.


14/36

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. LIZS OFFICE - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Liz is at her computer. JENNA enters in a huff.

JENNA

Foreign Relations Liaison?

LIZ

Why yes, I did enjoy going to the

movies by myself last night,

thank you for asking.

JENNA

He gets a title and I dont?

LIZ

Jenna, I only gave him that title

so he would shut up while the

Germans were here.

JENNA

I dont care if he took lessons

from Anne Frank--

LIZ

Too soon... I think.

JENNA

--if he gets a title, I want one

too.

Liz thinks about arguing, but its not worth it.

LIZ

Fine. You can be the...

She reaches for a title, but Jenna has one

prepared.

JENNA

High Queen of Youth Outreach.


15/36

LIZ

Wow, uh... wait, you dont even

like kids.

JENNA

Of course I do! Remember that

time I helped Honey Boo-Boo make

weight?

LIZ

...You mean lose weight.

JENNA

No.

LIZ

Fine, whatever. Just dont let it

interfere with the show.

JENNA

Youre the boss.

She smiles like she just got away with something and

leaves.

Liz remembers something as soon as Jenna exits.

LIZ

And you cant make anyone--

JENNA

(addressing the writers)

Attention peons! You are now

required to call me Your

Majesty.

Jenna exits the writers room affecting a regal air.

LIZ

Dammit!

She calls someone on the phone.

LIZ (CONTD)

(into phone)

Pete? Get the spray, shes at it

again.


16/36

She hangs up.

INT. OUTSIDE JACKS OFFICE - LATER

Jack talks on his cell with his feet on Jonathans desk.

JACK

(into phone)

No one can argue what it has to

say about friendship and

perseverance, but if you read

between the lines I think its

easy to see that Clifford, the

Big Red dog is a love letter to

communism.

As the person on the other end responds, Jonathan opens the

door to Jacks office and beckons Jackto come in.

Jack nods in acknowledgement and takes his feet off

Jonathans desk.

JACK (CONTD)

(into phone)

Well thank you very much. Tell

you what, Ill have my assistant

set up a meeting. Id love to

continue our conversation aboutthe snack qualifications of ants

on a log. Take care.

He hangs up.

JACK (CONTD)

Is it ready?

Jonathan nods excitedly.


Jonathan holds open the door and Jack enters. Jack gasps

and covers his mouth his hand.


17/36

Jonathan has created a masterpiece. The crib has been

beautifully assembled, a mobile of twenty dollar bills

spins slowly as it hangs above bed, and an ornate sculpture

of cherubs flying around a heart is attached to the

headboard. JD + JA is carved inside the heart.

JACK

This is beautiful! The heart, the

mobile... this is exactly what I

want my daughter falling asleep

to every night! ...Although you

did get Averys initials

backwards.

Jack turns to Jonathan, who has a broad grin.

Jack turns back to the crib -- something is coming

together.

JACK

Jonathan...whats your last name?

JONATHAN

(gleefully)

Asuri.

Jack sets his jaw. Jonathan picked the wrong day for this.

INT. TRACYS CAR - AFTERNOON

Danny has moved into the back seat, and the karaoke session

is still going at full force. Gordie drums on the back of

Tracys seat, a breach of conduct that doesnt improve

Tracys already foul mood.

Irritated by his current lot, Tracy looks for someone to

share his misery. He sees a businessman in the back of a

limo and gives him an expression seeking solidarity. The

businessman remains unmoved, and rolls up his tinted

window.

Tracy is puzzled. He is one of the most-recognized people

on Earth, even by old white folk. He is despondent once

more.


18/36

The limo pulls forward and another one takes its place. The

driver of the limo sees Tracys glum look and offers Tracy

the sympathy Tracy was hoping for moments ago.

It is Tracys turn to give a cold shoulder, and he rolls up

the window to block this commoners attempt at bonding. It

is then that Tracy looks in the rearview mirror and spots

his reflection for the first time: wearing a tuxedo and a

black cap in the drivers seat of a fine automobile. The

Canadians have turned him into a chauffeur.

Tracy screams, throws open the door, and runs into 7th

Avenue traffic.

Danny rolls down the window.

DANNY

(concered)

Tray, whats the matter?

No response. Danny gets out of the car to chase after his

friend.

Dougie and Gordie watch their friend leave, then look to

the empty drivers seat.

DOUGIE

Alright boys, looks like Im

driving.

Dougie attempts to climb out, but Gordie stops

him.

GORDIE

Wait -- dont they drive on the

wrong side of the road here?

Dougie and Gordie mull this over.

EXT. 7THAVENUE - CONTINUOUS

Tracy shuffles down the street huffing and puffing.

TRACY

I need to have Grizz get some

weights--


19/36

He takes a labored breath.

TRACY (CONTD)

--and set them on my snack chest

so I cant open it.

Danny catches up to Tracy.

DANNY

Whats wrong, buddy?

TRACY

I used to be treated like a star!

But thanks to your friends, I

just got shunned! I havent been

this disrespected by a Canadian

since Alex Trebek refused to

answer my questions!

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. JEOPARDY SET

Tracy asks a question at a lit-up Jeopardy podium.

TRACY

Where is the bathroom?

ALEX TREBEK (OS)Sorry, thats incorrect.

Tracy is joined at the podiums by Bryan Cranston and Kathy

Griffin. Bryan and Kathy are doing well, but Tracy is far

in the red.

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. 7TH AVENUE - DAY

Tracys eyes grow wide and he runs away from Danny.

Danny turns around and sees Gordie and Dougie approaching.

GORDIE

Wheres Tracy going?


20/36

DANNY

You guys scared him off! I told

you, theyre not as boisterous

down here.

Dougie and Gordie are dismayed, but Dougie soon cheers up.

DOUGIE

Then well teach him how to be

boisterous!

Renewed in purpose, Dougie and Gordie go bounding after

Tracy.

DANNY

No, thats not--!

Danny chases after his friends.

INT. JACKS OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Jack is at his desk. In one hand is the directions to

assemble the crib, in the other is the phone. As he speaks,

he turns the directions, trying to make sense of them.

JACK

(into phone)

Do what you will with the othergames, but Im not sending my

daughter to a school without

Duck, Duck, Goose. Its the one

vestige of meritocracy left in

our educational system.

Someone knocks on Jacks door.

JACK (CONTD)

Listen, Ill have to call you

back. Why dont you talk to mygirl and set up a teleconference?

(pause)

Yes, Jonathan is a strange name

for a girl.

He hangs up the phone and opens the door.


21/36

KENNETH stands there tentatively eyeing Jonathan, who is

bawling at his desk. Kenneth scoots into Jacks office,

eager to be removed from the awkward situation.

Jack closes the door.

KENNETH

Its so warm in here...

He turns towards a soft glow in the corner of the room.

KENNETH (CONTD)

(excited)

A bonfire? Are yall burning

heathens!?

Jack shuts the door.

JACK

In a manner of speaking.

Jonathans crib has been torn apart, piled up and set on

fire. The heart rests on top, wreathed in flame.

JACK (CONTD)

So I was examining your personnel

file and I noticed that you had

some experience with woodworking.

KENNETH

Yes sir! I used to build arks

with Reverend Gary every summer.

JACK

Really? I had an uncle who used

to make model boats.

KENNETH

Yes... models...

An awkward moment, until Jack gets things back on track. He

has purchased another crib and gestures to it.

JACK

I need this crib put together.

He hands Kenneth the instructions.


22/36

JACK (CONTD)

Here are the instructions, dont

find me until youre done.

KENNETH

Yes sir! ...Will I need to chop

down the trees myself?

JACK

No, the wood is included.

KENNETH

Oh, good. I dont think my teeth

are quite up to it these days.

Kenneth eagerly sets to his work and Jack heads out to

monitor his kingdom.

INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER

As Jack strolls around, Danny enters in a panic. He sees

Jack and rushes to him for help.

DANNY

Jack, have you seen two large

Canadians running around?

JACKNo... but if I smell any

socialism-laced poutine, Ill let

you know.

DANNY

(distraught)

Ah, dammit...

JACK

Whats wrong, Danny?

DANNY

Tracy picked my friends up from

the airport, but they scared him

away... I dunno, back home my

friends always seemed like they

just wanted to be friendly and

(MORE)


23/36

DANNY (CONTD)

make sure everyone was having

fun, but here theyre obnoxious

and violating everyones personal

space. Theyre acting so...

JACK

Canadian?

DANNY

(guilty)

Yeah. Is it bad of me to say

that?

JACK

Not at all. Youre just finally

realizing that Canadians, like

all ethnic groups, fit their

stereotype. Its animportant

trait for someone like you to

have.

DANNY

As a Canadian?

JACK

As a comedian. Id never

denigrate the struggle of the

poor black teenager in theInternet age, because Im a rich

white baby boomer and it would be

unseemly. There is plenty of

material available out there if

you want to paint a complex,

true-to-life portrait of a young

man from the projects trying to

claw his way up the American

socio-economic ladder while

staying loyal to his cultural

roots. But sometimes, when youredoing a comedy show and a

character has been monologueing

for too long and you need to give

the audience a laugh in the next

five seconds or youll lose them,

sometimes you just have to go

with--


24/36

Tracy runs in, panicked. Dougie and Gordie chase him from a

distance.

TRACY

Stay away from me! I hate Canada!

I hate hockey, I hate cold

weather, and I think I hate the

Barenaked Ladies but they havent

had a mainstream hit since 1998

so its hard to tell. Now stop

following me so I can go to a

movie and yell at the screen

because I dont know how to swim!

Tracy runs out. Gordie and Dougie, still desperate to get

Tracy to like them, run after him.

JACK

(to himself)

God his timing is incredible.

(to Danny)

Embrace the stereotype, Danny,

and use it to your advantage.

DANNY

Okay...but how?

JACK

When the time is right, youllknow.

DANNY

Thanks, Jack.

Danny runs after his friends.

Jack is struck by inspiration.

JACK

No Danny...thank you.

Jack runs out as well.

END OF ACT


25/36

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. LIZS OFFICE - LATER

Liz is reading a magazine. Tracy enters and shuts the door,

startling her.

LIZ

Ham burglar!

TRACY

I cant-- was that one word or

two?

LIZ

What do you want, Tracy?

TRACY

I cant make rehearsal tonight,

Liz Lemon. I have to get to

Harlem for an open mic night.

LIZ

Tracy, we have a show tomorrow!

TRACYA show that gives me no

recognition for the fantastic

work I do! I killed last week,

and no one even said good job.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. TGS STAGE - NIGHT

Jenna grins from ear to ear, giving a beauty pageant wave

to the audience and soaking up their applause.

CUT BACK TO:


Liz is as we left her.


26/36

LIZ

That was Jenna.

Tracy is gone and Jenna stands in his place. As she speaks,

her voice is replaced by Tracys.

JENNA (VO: Tracy)

It was me!

LIZ

Oh my God! How did you do that?

JENNA (VO: Tracy)

George Lucas owed me a favor.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. LUCASFILM WRITERS ROOM - NIGHT

GEORGE LUCAS is talking into a telephone.

GEORGE LUCAS

Uh-huh...uh-huh. And youre sure

thats not racist? Uh-huh. Okay--

okay, I gotcha. Uh-huh...thanks

Tracy.

He hangs up the phone, and then addresses a table of

writers:

GEORGE LUCAS (CONTD)

Okay, heres what Im thinking

for Jar Jar Binks--

CUT BACK TO:


Jenna is gone and Tracy is back. Liz is as we left her.

TRACY

Im sick of toiling in obscurity!

Im a star dammit, and the public

needs to remember that.

Tracy exits.


27/36

LIZ

Tell me about it. I have got to

get a sitcom deal.

She flashes a toothy smile into the camera.

INT. JACKS OFFICE - LATER

Jack bursts into his own office.

JACK

Kenneth! Stop working on that

crib!

Kenneth is wiping his hands on his sleeves.

KENNETH

Too late, Mr. Donaghy. Shes all

done.

While not as beautiful as Jonathans rendition, Kenneths

crib is sturdy and elegant...except for the giant cross

sticking out of the headboard.

JACK

A cross? Kenneth, are you nuts?

Do you have any idea what Irish

Catholic guilt is like?

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - MORNING

Jack, in a good mood, is in a procession of people entering

an ornate Catholic church. He is talking on the phone.

JACK

(into phone, seductively)

Really? Well that soundsdelightful. Why dont you keep

the bed warm and the wine cold

and Ill see you in two hours?

He hangs up and enters the church, smiling.

As soon as he crosses the threshold, he drops to his knees.


28/36

JACK (CONTD)

Im sorry, Jesus!

CUT BACK TO:


JACK

Tear down that cross, Kenneth.

KENNETH

I dont think were allowed to

tear down crosses, Mr. Donaghy.

If we were, then why didnt Jesus

use his magic to tear his down

when he was stuck on one?

JACK

Fine. If you wont tear it down,

then I will! ...get this Mexican

I found selling churros out of a

cart outside the building to do

it.

Jack stands to one side. Behind him stands a MEXICAN, who

has no idea how to react to this situation or this office.

KENNETH

Very well. But when youreburnin in heck with the people

who give hugs good-bye or take

more than one free sample, dont

come cryin to me.

He leaves haughtily.

INT. TGS STAGE

The cast is rehearsing a sketch while Liz watches. Jenna isdressed as Mary Poppins and Danny is dressed as a penguin.

Dougie and Gordie sit in the audience and look absolutely

miserable.

Pete approaches Liz.


29/36

PETE

Doesnt Tracy play the talking

umbrella in this sketch?

LIZ

No, hes apparently playing the

pain-in-the-ass actor who needed

an evening to feel sorry for

himself.

PETE

(taken aback)

Wow. ...Is that sketch before the

first commercial, or after?

LIZ

(frustrated)

Hes in Harlem, you jag! He was

feeling sorry about his Q Score

so he decided to hit up an open-

mic night instead.

Gordie, Dougie, and Danny all hear this. Gordie and Dougie

perk up while Dannys face falls.Gordie and Dougie rush

out of the stage, and Danny chases after them.

LIZ (CONTD)

Great, now youre bailing too.

Youdbetter take off thatpenguin suit! Its a sign of

aggression in Chelsea!

She makes a frustrated noise.

PETE

Wow, two guys leaving you in one

day... that cant feel good.

LIZ

(sighs)Eh, you get used to it.

Jenna moves to the front of the stage. She claps her hands

to get the audiences attention before addressing them.


30/36


31/36

TRACY

Why arent you laughing? Im a

movie star, dammit, I dont have

to work to be funny!

The crowd starts booing.

Dougie and Gordie enter the theater with Danny right behind

them. All three are shocked at the scene taking place.

The crowd is now throwing things at Tracy, who half-

heartedly tries to dodge them.

TRACY (CONTD)

Im famous! Im famous!!

Wanting to stop this madness, Danny comes up with an idea.

He waves to get Tracys attention.

Tracy, desperate for help, looks at Danny, who points at

Gordie and Dougie. Tracy is unsure this will work, but

Danny nods his head.

TRACY (CONTD)

(tentatively)

You guys know why Canadians like

hockey so much?

The crowd goes silent.

TRACY (CONTD)

Because the puck is the blackest

thing on the ice.

No one laughs--except Dougie and Gordie, who are in stitches.

DOUGIE

Thats funny!

GORDIEThere arent manyblack hockey

players!

Light laughter from the crowd.


32/36

TRACY

And why are they so nice? Its

like they dont want the United

States to know we have a serial

killer living upstairs.

More laughter from the crowd.

GORDIE

Its true!

DOUGIE

We are way too nice!

TRACY

Whats with that accent? No, I dont

know what youre talking aboot.

The crowd loves it, but Gordie and Dougie are nonplussed.

DOUGIE

Huh...I dont get that one.

GORDIE

Yeah, Im not surewhat everyones

laughing aboot.

A beat. They shrug and start laughing again.

The crowd is standing and cheering, and Tracy is lapping it

up. He finds Danny and gives him a point. Danny responds

with a double thumbs-up.

Tracy soaks up the applause a bit more before giving the

crowd one final shot.

TRACY

And why do they drive on the wrong side

of the road?

Another home run. Tracy takes a bow, while Danny cheers for

his friend.


33/36

INT. JACKS OFFICE - NIGHT

As Liz enters Jacks office, the Mexican churro salesman

exits, testing a 5-dollar bill for authenticity. Liz raises

an eyebrow, but says nothing. Jack is on the phone.

JACK

(into phone)

Well thank you. Liddys champing

at the bit to start school. That

or shes teething, but either way

its a very exciting time. Okay,

take care.

He hangs up.

JACK (CONTD)

Dont you have a rehearsal?

LIZ

I did, until Tracy and Danny took

off. Now Jennas in there

tormenting the youth of tomorrow.

INT. TGS STAGE - CONTINUOUS

Jenna, still in her Mary Poppins costume, is in the middle

of her one-woman show.

JENNA

And thats I how I got the role

of Choking Victim #1 in Episode

1912 of Law and Order: Food-

Related Incidents, which I will

reenact for you now.


Liz and Jack are as we left them.

LIZ

So I thought Id head home and--

wait, how the hell did I get

here? That elevator was going

down...


34/36

JACK

Relax, Lemon. I want to show you

something.

He shows her the crib.

LIZ

Oh my God... its beautiful. Did

you finally debase yourself by

working with your hands?

JACK

Nope. Cheap Mexican labor did.

Theres a reason theyre taking

our jobs, Lemon, they do damn

fine work. Im starting to regret

a few things I said in Arizona

this summer.

LIZ

Well, Im glad your daughter will

be attending Princeton preschool.

Now if youll excuse me,some of

us in the unwashed masses need to

figure out how to fit two

rehearsals into three hours.

She heads for the door.

JACK

Dont worry Lemon. Everything

will seem fine once youre

sitting on your couch eating a

chicken parm Lean Pocket and

watching a Tivoed episode of

Chopped.

LIZ

(frustrated)

One time I am going to spend anevening doing something youll

never be able to guess.

JACK

No you wont, Lemon. Stereotypes

never lie.


35/36

Exhausted and defeated, Liz leaves.

Jack pours himself a highball and stares into the aether.

He takes a drink.

JACK (CONTD)

(to himself)

Stereotypes never lie.

FADE OUT.

JACK (CONTD) (VO)

Unless youre Muslim.

END OF ACT


36/36

TAG

FADE IN

INT. TGS STAGE - NIGHT

The boys in the audience are bored to tears as Jenna is

still performing her one-woman show in the background. One

of the boys, MORRIS, is pressing buttons on his phone. He

notices something on his phone and perks up.

MORRIS

Hey, guys!

Several of the nearby boys--DESEAN, TERRELL, and a few

others--gather around.

MORRIS (CONTD)

I just found out that Jennifer

Aniston is looking to adopt!

DESEAN

The Jennifer Aniston!?

TERRELL

As in Rachel from Friends!?

MORRISYeah!

They look at each other excitedly.

DESEAN

Lets go, guys!

The group of boys bounds off, revitalized by hope.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

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30 Rock--"United Nations"