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30 REASONS WHY MIDDLE SCHOOLERS NEED A SURVIVAL GUIDE
by
Kamron Klitgaard
Kamron Klitgaard
898 S 700 W
Brigham City, UT 84302
801-668-2836
www.kamplays.com
CHARACTERS
ONE (M/F)
TWO (F)
THREE (M/F)
FOUR (M/F)
FIVE (M/F)
SIX (F)
SEVEN (M)
EIGHT (M)
NINE (F)
TEN (M/F)
ELEVEN (M/F)
TWELVE (M/F)
THIRTEEN (F)
FOURTEEN (M/F)
FIFTEEN (M)
SIXTEEN (M/F)
SEVENTEEN (M/F)
EIGHTEEN (M/F)
NINETEEN (M/F)
TWENTY (M/F)
TWENTY-ONE (M/F)
TWENTY-TWO (F)
TWENTY-THREE (M/F)
TWENTY-FOUR (M/F)
TWENTY-FIVE (M/F)
TWENTY-SIX (M/F)
TWENTY-SEVEN (F)
TWENTY-EIGHT (M)
TWENTY-NINE (M/F)
THIRTY (M/F)
The One-Line: Middle schoolers demonstrate 30 reasons why middle school needs a survival
guide.
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Cast: 10-30 Actors, 30 Roles: 20 Gender Neutral, 6 Female, 4 Male. Easy Doubling or Extras
Setting: An empty stage
Approx. Running Time: 45 minutes
Synopsis: A group of middle school students show the audience some of the problems and
issues they face in their age group through thirty short vignettes.
1
30 REASONS WHY MIDDLE SCHOOLERS NEED A SURVIVAL GUIDE
SETTING: An empty stage. There are several student desks, a bench, and a
large trash can at the back or sides that can be brought on and
taken off easily.
AT RISE: THE ENTIRE CAST enters as if it was a day in the middle school
halls. They mingle. Some find friends, others are chatting, some
are off by themselves. ONE notices the audience and steps
forward.
ONE
Hey. Hey! Can I have everyone’s attention, please?!
(Waiting for everyone to quiet down and motioning to the audience)
Now that we have an audience, I have something I need to say. Middle school is rough!
EVERYONE cheers. THIRTY steps
forward.
THIRTY
And why do you say that?
FOUR
(Joining One)
A better question is, why wouldn’t s/he say it?
THIRTY
Because I think being in middle school is pretty cool.
THREE
(Joining One)
Are you kidding? It’s tough, awkward, and troublesome. In fact, it’s so difficult, it should come
with a survival guide.
THIRTY
Well, I think it’s fun.
TWO
(Joining One)
Fun? Okay, there may be a fun moment or two but the difficult, awkward and… what did you
call it?
THREE
Troublesome.
TWO
…troublesome times, far outnumber any fun times.
2
THIRTY
So, you’re point is that there are more reasons why we need a “survival guide” than a “fun
guide.”
FOUR
There are tons more reasons.
THIRTY
You haven’t even come up with one yet.
ONE
I’ll tell you what, do you have a number generator on your phone?
THIRTY
(Pulling out phone)
I have a Dungeons & Dragons dice roller. It rolls a number between one and 30.
FOUR
Perfect. You roll the dice and whatever number it says, that’s how many reasons we’ll come up
with.
THIRTY
Okay, but I warn you, I’m a lucky roller.
THIRTY lifts the phone and THE ENTIRE
CAST gathers to watch. THIRTY taps the
app. They watch with anticipation.
THIRTY
Ha! Thirty!
EVERYONE
Uuuugh!
ONE
Uh… best two outta three. We’ll average them.
THIRTY
Fine.
Again, THIRTY lifts the phone and taps the
app. They watch with anticipation.
EVERYONE
Thirty?!
THIRTY
Ha! Told you I’m a lucky roller.
3
ONE
Alright, alright. Thirty reasons why middle schoolers need a survival guide. Here we go!
EVERYONE
Thirty reasons why middle schoolers need a survival guide!
ONE
Number one! Grammar. Teachers are always correcting your grammar.
ONE, FOUR, and FIVE bring up student
desks and sit as if they were in class.
THREE
(Becoming the teacher)
Alright class, it’s clear from your assignments that none of you understand the rules of the semi-
colon, because none of you used it properly.
FOUR
Which one is the semi-colon again?
FIVE
The winky-face.
FOUR
Oh, yeah.
ONE
(Raising hand)
Are you sure none of us used it correctly? Because I’m pretty sure I did.
THREE
Alright, let’s hear your sentence using a semi-colon.
ONE
“Hey, I really like your hair today – winky-face.” That’s a direct quote from a text I received.
FIVE
Right on.
THREE
While that is the correct usage of the “winky-face,” that is not the correct usage of the semi-
colon. You see, in the olden days, a semi-colon was used to separate ancient communication
devices known as complete sentences. Also, none of you used the hyphen correctly.
FOUR
What’s a hyphen again?
4
THREE
Good question. Can anyone tell me when we use a hyphen?
ONE
(Raising hand)
I know! It’s when the lawn mower runs out of gas and so you use a hose to suck gas out of the
car.
THREE
Wrong answer.
ONE
Yesterday, you said there are no wrong answers.
THREE
I was wrong.
FIVE
Isn’t the hyphen a minus sign that goes between words?
THREE
Yes! It looks like a minus sign but it has a different purpose. Does anyone know the purpose of
the hyphen?
ONE
(Raising hand)
To subtract one word from another?
THREE
No. That’s wrong.
ONE
But you said there are no wrong answers.
THREE
I was talking about the answer to a specific question.
FOUR
It’s to separate words?
THREE
Yes! Thank you, someone is actually getting it! Thank you! Now, what words would need a
hyphen?
FOUR
Um… You could actually use a hyphen in the word “hyphen.”
5
THREE
What? “Hyphen” does not have a hyphen in it.
FOUR
Yeah, it does. Like when you’re writing and you get to the edge of the paper and there’s not
enough room to finish the word so you put the hyphen and then finish the word on the next line.
Like, H-Y- hyphen – next line - P-H-E-N.
THREE
I need a new job.
They fade back into the crowd, taking their
desks, as TWO steps forward.
TWO Reason number two: Flirting! Most people forget that we’re in a transitional stage. I mean, just
a few years ago, boys had cooties. Every day, my friends and I would spray Jason the Mason
Cootie Power Protection on us. But now Jason is super cute. How do you go from cootie spray
to flirting? It’s a rough transition.
SEVEN and EIGHT step forward and talk
silently.
SIX
(Rushing up to Two)
There’s Jason! He’s looking really cute today!
TWO I know. I’ve got an idea how to get his attention.
SIX
What are you gonna do?
TWO
Just follow my lead.
SIX
Here he comes!
SEVEN and EIGHT walk toward them. As
they pass, TWO pretends to trip and goes
down.
TWO
(Falling)
WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME?!
6
SEVEN
(Continuing walking)
No.
SIX
(Helping TWO up)
That was your idea?
THREE steps up as they all fade back.
THREE
Reason number three: Emotions! I have several friends whose emotions are out of control!
Using careful observations and my own mood swings, I have tracked and documented the
emotions of middle schoolers and have concluded that they can be identified as follows:
As THREE announces the emotions, one at
a time, TWENTY-ONE THRU TWENTY-
NINE step out and demonstrate each
emotion through facial expressions, sounds,
and body language.
THREE
Excited… Bored… Happy… Angry… Shy… Embarrassed… Tired… Sad… and finally
Hungry…
TWENTY THRU TWENTY-NINE fade
back.
THREE
A typical middle schooler can easily manifest all of these emotions in a single day. But like I
said, some of my friends’ emotions are out of control. Take Marcy, for example. She can
manifest each and every emotion within 30 seconds.
(NINE approaches)
Hey Marcy, you want my apple?
NINE
(Super-excited)
Oh yeah! I haven’t had an apple since yesterday!!!
(Super-bored)
In fact, it looks like the same one. Do all apples look the same?
(Super-happy, tears of joy)
But thank you for thinking of me! You’re such a good friend. And it’s such a beautiful apple.
(Super-angry)
It’s got a bruise! Who gave my apple a bruise?! This really ticks me off to no end!
(Super-shy)
Do you think it was Dean? He’s so cute; I could never ask him if he did it.
(Super-embarrassed)
Oh, it’s not a bruise at all, it’s just the sticker. Is my face all red?
(Super-tired)
7
Man, I’m fading fast. I need something to give me some energy. Too tired… to lift… this
apple… to my mouth.
(Super-sad)
I guess I’ll never know if it tastes good, or if Dean will ever know I’m alive, or if I’ll ever be
happy knowing there’s so much suffering in the world. Will no one think of the children?
(Super-hungry)
One the other hand, it’s just an apple.
NINE devours the apple ravenously.
THREE
She could really use an emotions survival guide.
They fade back as FOUR steps out.
FOUR
Reason number four: Everyone’s against me! I don’t know why, but everyone, and when I say
everyone, I mean the teachers, my parents, the administration, even my friends are out to get me!
Even kids I’ve never met before. I know, you think I’m exaggerating. Well, watch this.
TEN, ELEVEN and TWELVE step forward
and talk together in a group. FOUR walks
by them as they talk.
TEN
Did you guys do your homework for Mrs. Crabtree?
ELEVEN
No, I forgot.
TWELVE
What were we supposed to do?
FOUR
See? What did I tell you? Out to get me. They’re probably all laughing at me right now.
ELEVEN
(To the entire cast)
Hey, everyone! What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
(Singing like bell)
Dung! Get it? Dung!
EVERYONE boos the joke. FOUR tears
up.
FOUR
It’s worse than I thought! They’re not laughing at me?! They’re booing me!
8
FOUR runs away crying. FIVE steps
forward.
FIVE
Reason number five: My mom still treats me like a baby. I know I’m not an adult yet, but I’m a
teenager, and that’s getting close. But she insists on calling me baby names and using little kid
phrases.
THIRTEEN and FOURTEEN step up.
FOURTEEN sits and plays with a toy car.
FOURTEEN
(Little kid voice)
This car is my favorite birthday present! You’re the best!
THIRTEEN
Thanks, my little sugar booger.
FIVE
(Approaching)
Mom, I’m home!
THIRTEEN In here, snuggle bunny!
FIVE
Mom, I’m not a snuggle bunny.
THIRTEEN
Alright, come sit on my lap and tell me what you did in school today, my little angel drawers.
FIVE
Mom, stop calling me that. And I’m too old to sit on your lap.
THIRTEEN
You’re never too old to sit on mommy’s lap. And little sugar booger doesn’t mind my nick
names. Do you, little sugar booger?
FOURTEEN
Nope!
FIFTEEN and SIXTEEN rush up behind
FIVE.
FIFTEEN
Did you ask her yet?
9
FIVE
I’m just about to. Go wait over there.
SIXTEEN
Come on, man! Hurry up!
FIVE
Mom, is it okay if I go down to the creek?
THIRTEEN (In baby talk)
Oh! Are dese your wittle fwiends?! Dey are sooooo cute!
(Grabbing FIFTEEN by the shoulders)
And what’s your name wittle boy?
FIFTEEN
Uh… Ralph, ma’am.
THIRTEEN
Oh, you’re so adorable! I’m gonna call you Ralphie! No, Ralphie Mouthie! No, Ralphie
Mouthie Galouthie!
FIVE
Mom, please. I beg you.
THIRTEEN
(Grabbing SIXTEEN by the shoulders)
And what’s your name? Wait! Let me guess. Is it Baby Marmoset?
SIXTEEN
What?
THIRTEEN
You look just like a baby marmoset.
SIXTEEN I do?
THIRTEEN
(Pinching cheeks)
Oh, my goodness! You even talk like one.
FIVE
Mom! Can I go down to the creek? We’re building a fort.
THIRTEEN
With who?
10
FIVE What do you mean with who? With these guys.
THIRTEEN What are their names?
FIVE
Mom, please don’t make me—
THIRTEEN
What are their names? And ask me in a full sentence.
FIVE
(Embarrassed)
Can I go down to the river and build a fort with Ralphie Mouthie Galouthie and Baby Marmoset?
THIRTEEN
Very well.
(They head off for the creek.)
Remember, your bedtime is 7:30!
FOURTEEN
(Standing)
You’re the best mom ever. I wish my mom was like you.
THIRTEEN
Well, Sugar Booger, that’s probably why you married me.
They fade back as SIX steps forward.
SIX
Reason number six: The cool bench! At my school, there’s a bench in the commons area that we
all call the “cool bench.” First, you can’t sit on it unless you’re a ninth grader. Second, if you
are a ninth grader you can’t sit on it unless you’re “cool.” Normally, I would never go near the
cool bench as I am neither a ninth grader or cool. But I don’t think you will believe me without a
visual demonstration.
FIFTEEN, SEVENTEEN and EIGHTEEN
bring on a bench and sit or stand by it,
socializing. SIX approaches the bench,
hesitates and then sits on it.
FIFTEEN
What are you doing, Dork?
SIX
Just sitting on this bench.
11
SEVENTEEN
Why?
SIX
My legs were tired of standing?
EIGHTEEN
What grade are you in, Dork?
SIX
Eighth.
SEVENTEEN grabs a large trash can and
drags it over. FIFTEEN and EIGHTEEN
pick up SIX and put him/her in the trash can
head first.
SEVENTEEN
This is the cool bench, Dork!
They fade back into the group. SIX falls
over and climbs out of the trash can.
SIX
I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.
SIX fades back with the can. SEVEN step
forward.
SEVEN
Number seven: Being short. When I was in seventh grade I was the shortest kid in the whole
school. But being short in itself isn’t the worst part. It’s the names you’re called. If you’re
going to call someone names, they need to make sense!
NINETEEN and TWENTY step forward.
NINETEEN
(To Seven)
Hey, Smurf.
SEVEN (Yelling)
Smurf?! I’m not blue!
NINETEEN
Sorry… Smurfette.
12
SEVEN (Yelling)
I’m not a girl or blue!
TWENTY
Chill out, leprechaun.
SEVEN
Unbelievable! I’m not Irish!
(To Audience)
See what I mean? No logical sense. Those are just a couple of names. I’ve also been called.
NINETEEN & TWENTY
(Alternating each name)
Shrimp, Bilbo Baggins, gnome, vertically challenged, Danny DeVito, Mini Me, Toddler,
Napoleon, Happy-Sleepy-Sneezy-Bashful-Grumpy-Dopey-Doc, PeeWee, Squirt, Half Pint,
Small Fry, Ewok, Munchkin, Shorty McShort Shorts.
SEVEN
No logical sense! I’m not a sea animal, or a hobbit, or a movie star, or a three-year-old, or a
famous historical leader, or a Disney character, or a kids’ television show host, or a
measurement, or a fast food, or a George Lucas creation, or someone who lives on the yellow
brick road. But I do kind of like Shorty McShort Shorts. That one kind of makes sense.
They fade back as EIGHT steps forward.
EIGHT Reason number eight: Emo Island. I know what you’re thinking – what’s Emo Island? In the
commons area, there is sort of a raised area where Emos hang out. It’s like a three-foot high
platform about twenty feet wide and it’s away from all the walls, like an island.
TWENTY-ONE steps out.
TWENTY-ONE
What if they don’t know what an Emo is?
EIGHT
Everyone knows what an Emo is.
TWENTY-ONE
I don’t know, there’re a lot of old fogies in the audience.
EIGHT
Oh yeah, there’s my dad. For those of you who don’t know, an Emo is someone who wears a lot
of black and greys. They dye their hair dark and wear dark eye liner. Emo is short for
“emotional.” I’m not sure why, because they only show one emotion: Sad.
13
TWENTY-ONE
Some of them even draw a black tear on their cheek.
EIGHT
They congregate on Emo Island. Sometimes the island if full of them. There could be like
twenty Emos on the island. It’s the saddest place in the world. When you walk by it, you can
feel the sadness radiating from them. It’s like a thick, invisible, ocean of sad.
TWENTY-ONE
My friend, Vanessa, is one of them. Well, we used to be friends.
EIGHT
Yeah, I was friends with Vanessa too, up until we came to the middle school. Now she lives on
Emo island. I wonder if there’s a way off.
They fade back as NINE steps up.
NINE Reason number nine: I’m a klutz! What does that have to do with middle-school? Nothing.
Except that’s where I became a klutz. See, in elementary school, I was totally normal. But in
middle school, I grow five inches every year! My mom buys my clothes three sizes too big so I
can “grow into them.”
TWENTY-TWO enters as mom with a pair
of scuba flippers.
TWENTY-TWO
Come here, dear. I bought you some new shoes.
NINE
Mom, those are way too big!
TWENTY-TWO
I bought ‘em for you to grow into.
TWENTY-TWO helps NINE slip off his/her
shoes and into the scuba fins.
NINE
(Walking around)
Mom! These are huge!
TWENTY-TWO
Just try ‘em for today and see how they feel.
NINE
And of course, I trip right in front of the Cool Bench!
14
TWENTY-THREE and TWENTY-FOUR
step out as NINE trips on the fins and bumps
into them.
TWENTY-THREE
(Pushing NINE away)
Watch where you’re going, freak!
TWENTY-FOUR
Yeah, get some new shoes, ya doofus!
NINE
(Falling)
My mom bought ‘em for me to grow into!
(Sitting up)
Am I the only one whose mom does that?
A GROUP OF STUDENTS comes forward
with scuba flippers and walks the halls of
school, bumping and tripping. Then they all
fade back, as TEN steps forward.
NINE
We’ll never survive!
TEN
Reason number… What number are we on?
EVERYONE
Ten!
TEN
Oh, yeah. Reason number ten why middle schoolers need a survival guide: Boredom. Yep, I’m
that kid who’s always bored in class. As a result, I sometimes don’t pay attention. There are
actually a lot of us. We have a name for it: B.T.S.
(Whispering)
That stands for Boring Teacher Syndrome. I’m not sure if it’s always the teacher or if it’s just
the subject matter. But hey, they chose to teach it, so they get the blame. Sometimes I get so
bored that I do something to remedy the boredom. Usually, teachers don’t like that. Allow me to
demonstrate.
TWENTY-FIVE steps out as the teacher.
TWENTY -FIVE
Class, please prepare for your times tables.
15
EVERYONE jumps into several straight
lines, representing rows of desks. TEN
jumps into the front row.
TEN
I know, we’re passed doing times tables in middle school but it serves our purposes for this little
demonstration. Besides, this is my reason so I can do what I want.
TWENTY-FIVE
Times Table: Fives. Go!
EVERYONE
Five times one is five. Five times two is ten. Five times three is fifteen. Five times four is
twenty. Five times five is twenty-five.
TEN
(Jumping out of line and singing like a rock star)
Five times six is thirtyyyyyyy! Yeaaaaah, yeeeeaaaaah, yeeeaah!!! And Five times seven is
thirty-fiiiiiive. Yeah, yeaaah, yeahhhhh!
TWENTY-FIVE
Detention!
TEN
(To the audience)
I know, not very nice of me to interrupt the lesson. But I just get bored! And I think I get even
more bored when there’s too much organization. Most classrooms are very straight, organized,
and neat, without any mess. In my most boring class, the teacher uses a ruler to staple on the
papers to the bulletin board. Each paper is exactly two inches from the sides and exactly two
inches from each other. I know some people like that kind of intense organization. But I
challenge those types of people to play Halo, like me, for three hours straight without getting
bored.
TWENTY-FIVE
Alright, back in line. Continue your fives.
TEN
(Getting back in line)
I practice my guitar for an hour or more every day after school and I never get bored. I wonder
what that means.
TWENTY-FIVE
Ready, go.
EVERYONE
Five times eight is forty. Five times nine is forty-five. Five times ten is fifty.
16
TEN
I wish I had a survival guide!
Everyone fades back except for ELEVEN.
ELEVEN
Reason number eleven: Stinky students! Thanks to Google, there are several other words
besides “stinky” that could be used.
TWENTY-SIX & TWENTY-SEVEN step
forward.
TWENTY-SIX & TWENTY-SEVEN
(Alternating)
Smelly, putrid, malodorous, rancid, odiferous, skunky, noxious, and eww.
ELEVEN And I’m not talking about B.O. here. Sure, in elementary school, you’re running around at
recess and you get sweaty. But at that age it’s just little kid sweat and it’s not as bad. And sure,
some kids that come up to middle school don’t realize that their bodies are changing and that
they need to wear deodorant. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about—
TWENTY-SIX
Perfume?
ELEVEN
Yes! You know what I’m talking about! Check out what happens in the bathrooms between
class.
ALL THE FEMALES step forward, each
take out a perfume bottle and go crazy
spraying themselves, each other, the air and
then stepping into it, etc.
TWENTY-SIX
Those are some serious aromas mixing together at a high volume.
TWENTY-SEVEN
What about the boys?
ELEVEN
The boys have a problem too. It’s called Axe Body Spray: For Men!
ALL THE MALES in the cast step forward,
each take out a body spray and go crazy
spraying themselves, each other, the air and
then stepping into it, etc.
17
ELEVEN
They think it’s helping their social life but as you can see…
TWENTY-EIGHT steps out, sprays himself,
and then approaches TWENTY-SEVEN.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Hey, groovy chick.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Does the word “eww” mean anything to you? Here’s some advice: A little goes a long way.
TWENTY-EIGHT walks away dejected.
ELEVEN
…it’s not helping. With that in mind, I’d like to ask all parents in the audience to please raise
your right hand and take this very important oath.
(Encourages the adults to raise their hands)
Now, repeat after me: “I promise that I will not allow my child to be known as “The Stinky Kid.”
Thank you. And remember, fulfilling your oath is an important public service, because if you
combine all those aromas together…
EVERYONE gathers around ELEVEN and
sprays perfume and body spray at him/her.
ELEVEN
The results could be…
ELEVEN faints. EVERYONE fades back.
TWENTY-SIX and TWENTY-SEVEN drag
ELEVEN back as TWELVE steps forward.
While twelve speaks, a BELL SOUND
EFFECT goes off and EVERYONE forms
the school hallways by marching in a thick
circle. THIRTY tries to walk against the
flow, saying, things like, excuse me, pardon
me, ouch, etc. S/he gets pushed and battered
and eventually falls down.
TWELVE
Reason number twelve: The hallways are too small! When the bell rings, you only have five
minutes to get from the class you were in, to your locker, and then to your next class. That
doesn’t even take into a count if you have to visit the bathroom. You have to hurry so you’re not
late but the halls are so small that everyone is slapping their sweaty prepubescent bodies
together. Then—
THIRTEEN
Reason number thirteen: The bad hair day.
18
EVERYONE stops marching and watches.
TWELVE
Hey, I wasn’t finished!
THIRTEEN
Relax. Mine goes perfectly with yours. In elementary school, your hair doesn’t matter. I
would’ve run out of the house to the bus with mattress hair if my mom would’ve let me. But in
middle school your hair is important. It’s extremely important. If I can’t get my hair just how I
want it, I have a total breakdown.
ALL THE GIRLS step forward and pretend
to look into mirrors, primping their hair.
TWO is having troubles.
TWO
Aaargh! This piece won’t lay how I want it! Stupid humidity!
TWELVE
I don’t see what this has to do with the crowded hallways.
THIRTEEN
Relax, I’m getting to it.
TWO
Yeah, shut up and let me do my hair! Aaargh! It looks like I have horns! There, I guess that’ll
work. As long I don’t see Jeremy.
THIRTEEN
Jeremy was my crush.
TWELVE
I still don’t see—
THIRTEEN
But then…
BELL SOUND EFFECT. EVERYONE
starts their hallway march again. TWO
jumps into hallway and walks against the
flow. She gets pushed and battered.
SEVEN steps out as Jeremy.
SEVEN
(To a random girl in the hall)
Hey there, groovy chick.
19
THIRTEEN
By the time I got through the hallway, my hair was a total disaster! I even had gum stuck in it.
TWO gets thrown out of the marching
students and toward SEVEN. She falls right
at his feet. She stands up, her hair is a mess,
with papers and things stuck in it.
SEVEN
Hey there, groovy…
(Seeing her hair)
… Blegh!
THIRTEEN
It was the most humiliating day of my life.
TWELVE
Thank you for helping me prove my point.
They all fade back as FOURTEEN steps up.
FOURTEEN
Reason number fourteen: Waking up early. ‘Nuff said.
ONE steps forward.
ONE
It’s scientifically proven that people our age need to get at least nine to ten hours of sleep
every—
FOURTEEN Hey! I said, “‘nuff said!”
ONE
Sorry.
They fade back as FIFTEEN steps forward.
FIFTEEN
Reason number fifteen: Dodgeball.
FOUR & THREE
(Stepping up with rubber dodgeballs)
I love dodgeball!
FIFTEEN
20
They’re the reason I hate dodgeball. They’re just mid-level jocks, but that means they’re a lot
better than me at dodging. Here’s how a typical day goes during dodgeball season. First if
you’re late—
FOUR & THREE
Run laps!
FIFTEEN
Next, if you forgot your clothes to dress out—
FOUR & THREE
Run laps!
FIFTEEN
If your attitude needs an adjustment—
FOUR & THREE
Run laps!
FIFTEEN
Once you’re finished with your laps, you have to go out onto the court. Everyone knows the
saying, “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” The problem is, I can’t dodge a
wrench. So, my dodgeball sessions end up like this.
FOUR & THREE bounce their dodgeballs
off FIFTEEN in rapid succession.
FOUR & THREE
Dodgeball is fun!
FIFTEEN
The Society of Health and Physical Educators, that’s the organization that creates the national PE
standards, came out with a simple statement. “Dodgeball should not be part of any curriculum,
ever.” When’s our school gonna get that memo?!
They fade back as SIXTEEN steps forward.
SIXTEEN
Hey, we’re half way there!
EVERYONE
Yay!
THIRTY
I didn’t think we’d even make it this far.
21
SIXTEEN
Reason number sixteen: Rumors. I don’t know what it is, but as soon as you hit middle school
there are tons of rumors going around about everyone. And people believe them no matter how
farfetched they are.
FIVE
(Approaching)
Hey, I just heard the news about you. Don’t you get lonely?
SIXTEEN
What news?
FIVE
That you’re homeschooled.
SIXTEEN
What? How could I be homeschooled? I’m here… at school.
FIVE
Don’t try to deny it.
SIXTEEN We’re in every single class together.
FIVE I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth.
SIXTEEN Wouldn’t that be me? I never said that.
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, and NINE step
forward.
EIGHT
Not only that, but I heard that when they built this school Lori’s only cousin was hired as a
construction worker and when they were working on the auditorium, he accidentally got nailed
up inside the walls. They never got his body out and now his/her ghost haunts the auditorium.
SIXTEEN
But I’m Lori’s only cousin.
FIVE
Then you know it’s true.
NINE
Also, when Lori’s mom was pregnant, she got bit by a spider and the baby was born with eight
arms.
22
SIX
Was it Lori?
SIXTEEN
Lori doesn’t have eight arms.
NINE
It was either Lori or one of her brothers or sisters.
SIX
You guys, I just heard that Lori has Vienna Sausages for toes.
SEVEN Really? I totally believe it.
SIXTEEN
Lori does not have Vienna Sausages for toes!
They all fade back as SEVENTEEN steps
forward.
SEVENTEEN
Reason number seventeen: The cliques.
EVERYONE groans. TEN steps forward.
TEN I hate cliques.
SEVENTEEN
Everyone says they hate the cliques. But there are so many!
ELEVEN
(Stepping forward)
There are the Band Geeks, the Gamers, the Punkers, the Head Bangers, the Drama Dorks…
TWELVE
(Stepping forward)
The Metal Heads, the Nerds, the Yodelers, the Dweebs, the S.B.O.s, the Hippies, the Needle
heads…
THIRTEEN
(Stepping forward)
The Preppies, the Populars, the Backup Populars, the Emos, the Backup Emos, and the Norks.
ELEVEN
Norks? Who are the Norks?
23
TWELVE
Some of the Nerds broke off with some of the Dorks and formed their own subgroup – the
Norks.
THIRTEEN There’s also the Soshes, Greasers, Motor Heads, Army Brats, Commandos…
ELEVEN
Bazooka Joes, Mortar Launchers, Landmine Sweeper Guys, the Parking Lot Crew…
TWELVE
Aggies, Cowboys, Drugstore Cowboys, Emo Cowboys, Hicks, Loadies, Waistoids…
THIRTEEN
The Disneys, the Vampires, the Barbies, the Barbie Vampires, and the Elves.
ELEVEN
We have Elves in our school?
TWELVE
They’re a sub-clique of the Middle-Earthers.
SEVENTEEN Our school sure is Cliquey. And everyone hates them. But we’re all part of one. In elementary
school, we were all friends. We went to each other’s birthday parties. I get that we change as
we grow older and develop different interests. But D.J. Housner broke his arm at my house
playing “Hot Lava Monster.” There were no adults around so we carried him six blocks to the
hospital. Now he’s in a different clique and we don’t even talk anymore. It’s sad.
THIRTEEN
What’s “Hot Lava Monster?”
SEVENTEEN
Just a game.
EIGHTEEN
(Stepping forward)
Reason number eighteen: Games!
ELEVEN, TWELVE, THIRTEEN and
SEVENTEEN fade back.
EIGHTEEN
In elementary school, games were simple and straight forward; you know, Jump the River, Red
Rover Red Rover, Tag, and Hot Lava Monster. But in middle school the games become much
more complicated. And no one knows how to play. Take this guy for instants:
(FIFTEEN steps forward)
He has a crush on this girl.
(TWENTY-TWO steps forward. FIFTEEN smiles big.)
24
The problem is that this is his first crush. And just last year, in elementary school, girls still had
cooties. So, what’s the poor guy gonna do?
(TWENTY-TWO walks by and FIFTEEN trips her. FIFTEEN laughs and smiles
big. TWENTY-TWO stands up and slaps him. FIFTEEN touches his cheek and
smiles even bigger.)
At least he got her attention. Maybe he’ll have better luck in theatre class.
FOURTEEN
(Stepping forward as the drama teacher)
Alright, let’s have Lexi and Wyatt do this crush… I mean scene.
FIFTEEN smiles big, ready to go.
TWENTY-TWO
Do I have to do this scene with Wyatt? He’s an idiot.
FOURTEEN
Places!
(TWENTY-TWO just stands there while FOURTEEN faces her and smiles big.)
Now, Wyatt, just listen to me and act out everything I tell you. Ready? Action! You’ve just
stepped off the train, returning from war. You see her for the first time in three years. There she
is, standing there across the train station. Your heart throbs for her. You drop your bags. Good.
You’re over whelmed with passion. You make your way toward her, pushing people out of the
way! Yes! Lexi, you see him. It’s your long-lost love.
(TWENTY-TWO looks at him annoyed)
And now the big moment! You embrace!
TWENTY-TWO puts her arms out half-
heartedly. A wave of fear floods over
FIFTEEN. He screams and exits running.
EIGHTEEN
Kickball and Four-Square were a lot simpler.
THEY fade back while NINETEEN steps
forward.
NINETEEN
Reason number nineteen: Getting in trouble. Hi, I’m Chris. For some reason, in middle school,
trouble finds you no matter what. All the teachers think you’re always up to something. At least
that’s how I see it. So, even when it’s not your fault, you still get in trouble.
SIXTEEN steps up and spits a spitball
through a straw at NINETEEN and hits
him/her in the face.
NINETEEN
Hey!
25
SEVENTEEN
(Stepping up as a teacher)
Chris! Detention!
NINETEEN
What?! But I didn’t do—
SEVENTEEN
(Pointing)
Straight to the principal’s office!
NINETEEN
(To the audience)
See? That always happens! It doesn’t matter if you started it, or if you retaliated, or even if you
don’t do anything.
EVERYONE throws a crumpled-up wad of
paper at NINETEEN.
SEVENTEEN
Chris! Detention!
NINETEEN
Ahhh! You also get in trouble for the dumbest things.
SIXTEEN walks passed NINETEEN and
trips. NINETEEN makes the “loser sign” on
his/her forehead by making an “L” with
thumb and index finger.
SEVENTEEN
Chris! Detention!
NINETEEN
What?! I didn’t trip him/her!
SEVENTEEN No, but you know the school rules. No weapons or facsimiles of weapons.
NINETEEN
What weapon!? What’s a facsimile?!
SEVENTEEN
(Grabbing NINETEEN’s hand and showing the “L” shape.)
Your fingers are in the shape of a weapon. That’s a facsimile!
NINETEEN It is? Ahhh. It’s madness, I tell you! Madness!
26
They fade back as TWENTY comes
forward.
TWENTY
Reason number twenty: Selfies.
EVERYONE
What?!
EVERYONE complains and argues that
selfies are great.
TWENTY
Shut it!! Maybe I’m the only one! But it’s my turn and I say number twenty is selfies! Selfies
are annoying. I know they’ve been around for a long time. In 1960, Norman Rockwell created
his selfie in just under three months. But now, anyone can do it in under a second and they do it
all the time. Here are some examples of why selfies are so annoying. The “Duck Face Selfie.”
(ALL THE GIRLS step forward, pull out phones, and take a pouty lips selfie.)
Girls have discovered that actresses and models have pouty lips. So, while they think they are
making themselves look more like models, they’re really making themselves look more like
ducks. I could stop right there and my point would be made. But boys are just as guilty. How
about this one? The “Macho Face Selfie.”
(ALL THE BOYS step forward and take a macho face selfie.)
There’s also the “Casual Laydown Selfie.”
(EVERYONE lays down and poses casually for their selfie.)
How about the “Winking Selfie?”
(EVERYONE stands up and takes a winking selfie.)
Or even worse, the “Crying Selfie.”
(ALL THE GIRLS take a crying selfie.)
Your miserably heart-broken and inconsolable and so naturally you want to document the
moment with a selfie on Instagram. There’s also the Eating Selfie, The Sleeping Selfie, The
Doggie Face Snapchat Selfie, and, pardon me for saying it, the Bathroom Selfie. Why in the
world would you take a picture of yourself standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom?! For
your four-one-one, the bathroom is not a glamorous place! But In all fairness, I admit that once I
did see a good use for a selfie.
TWENTY-SEVEN and TWENTY-EIGHT
step forward.
TWENTY-SEVEN You are such a jerk! I can’t believe you! Don’t even think that you’re getting away with that.
I’m not gonna let you make fun of me or any of my friends! And don’t you go anywhere! I’m
not through with you! You’re gonna hear every word I say and I’ve got a lot to say! First, you
are the slimiest—
(TWENTY-EIGHT holds up his phone to take a selfie of them both. TWENTY-
SEVEN stops talking and does a cute pose. TWENTY-EIGHT takes the picture
and lowers his phone.)
…person I’ve ever—
27
TWENTY-EIGHT holds up his phone again.
TWENTY-SEVEN stops talking and does a
cute pose. TWENTY-EIGHT takes several
pictures and she poses.
TWENTY
But the awfulness far outweighs the benefits. Maybe if we had better self-esteem we wouldn’t
have to take so many selfies and then desperately count the “likes.” Then there’s the worst selfie
of all: The “Audience Background Selfie!”
EVERYONE takes a selfie with the
audience in the background. Then they fade
back as TWENTY-ONE steps forward.
TWENTY-ONE
What number was that last one?
TWENTY
Twenty.
TWENTY-ONE Thanks. Reason number twenty-one: Braces. I know that some of you are thinking that braces
are no big deal. If you’re thinking that, you’re not in middle school. I admit it, I’m awkward.
My mom says that I’m at “that awkward stage in human development.” My feet are too big and
ears are too floppy and my nose is just, well, my body is changing so fast I can’t keep up. I
might even be a teenage werewolf. So, one day, my mom mentioned that I might have to have
braces. I saw a picture of my mom/dad in middle school with braces. I don’t know how they
could even talk with those things. S/he looked like this.
EIGHTEEN steps forward and smiles big,
revealing a mouth full of aluminum foil.
EIGHTEEN
(Through the foil)
Hi, everybody. It’s fun to wear braces!
TWENTY-ONE
Then I saw a picture of my grandparents when they were in middle school.
NINETEEN steps out wearing a huge head
brace made from straps, duct tape, and a
wire clothes hanger.
NINETEEN
Hi, I’m from the olden days.
28
TWENTY-ONE
I’m already awkward enough! Can you imagine if I showed up to school wearing those? You
don’t recover from something like that. Fortunately, modern day orthodontics have come a long
way. I just got regular braces. But they make me smile weird. I have to smile with my lips
closed, like this, so no one can see them. And sometimes, just normal conversations can be
dangerous.
TWENTY-THREE steps up to TWENTY-
ONE
TWENTY-THREE
Did you do your homework for history? I didn’t get the…
(Head flies back and grabs eye)
Ouch! my eye! You just hit me with a rubber band!
TWENTY-ONE Sorry, it’s my braces.
TWENTY-THREE
Ugh! You hit me again! Close your mouth! That hurts! Ow! Another one! Run for your lives!
EVERYONE panics and runs screaming.
They fade back as TWENTY-TWO comes
forward.
TWENTY-TWO
Reason number twenty-two: Jealousy. If anything happens to you that has the slightest thing to
do with romance, your friends turn completely jealous.
TWENTY-EIGHT
(Stepping up to TWENTY-TWO)
Excuse me. I’m new here. Could you tell me where the Home Ec class is?
TWO
Not fair! Why does she get to do this scene with him?!
TWENTY-TWO
I’m sure! We haven’t even gotten to the romantic part yet.
ALL THE GIRLS give her a dirty look and
turn their backs.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Wasn’t I supposed to say something romantic before they turn on you?
TWENTY-TWO
Yes, but they jumped the gun. I guess it was too much for them.
29
TWENTY-EIGHT
Should I still say it?
TWENTY-TWO
There’s not much point in it now, but go ahead.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Hey there, groovy chick.
TWENTY-TWO
(To the audience)
I know that sounds ridiculous, but that’s the phrase that lost me my best friend. “Hey there,
groovy chick.” Isn’t that, like, from the 1970’s or something? Besides, the boy who said it, my
best friend’s crush, was just joking around. I think he was imitating the Brady Bunch or some
ancient TV show.
TWO
No, he wasn’t! You stole him from me! I’ll get you back someday when you least expect it!
TWENTY-TWO
I heard a quote once. It goes, “Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder
and every vile practice.” I wonder if it’s talking about middle school.
THEY fade back into the crowd.
TWENTY-THREE
(Stepping up)
Reason number twenty-three: School Dances. You’d think dances would be something we’d all
love. But they’re not. First, no one goes. Then, finally when you decide to go, everyone else
that decided to go is Napoleon Dynamite. And whenever a slow song comes on you have to
dance like this:
SIX and EIGHT step out and slow dance
two feet apart. TWENTY-FOUR steps out
as a chaperone with a tape-measure.
TWENTY-FOUR
(Measuring the space between them)
You must be at least 24 inches apart at all times.
TWENTY-THREE
Then, during the fast songs, people do all these weird dance moves. Watch this.
EVERYONE steps forward to dance.
TWENTY steps out.
30
TWENTY
Excuse me! Um… I’m not confident enough in my dance skills to actually do this in public.
What should I do?
TWENTY-THREE
Just stand over there against the wall.
(TWENTY stands away from the group but secretly tries the dance moves.)
If you admit you don’t know how to dance, you risk being laughed at. But if you go out on the
dance floor and actually dance, you risk being laughed at. It’s a double-edged sword. But see if
you recognize any of these moves. The Sprinkler.
(Music plays. EVERYONE dances The Sprinkler.)
The Headbanger.
(EVERYONE does the Headbanger.)
The Walk Like An Egyptian.
(EVERYONE dances the Egyptian Walk.)
Gangnam Style.
(EVERYONE dances Gangnam Style.)
Backpack Kid.
(EVERYONE dances Backpack Kid.)
And of course, the timeless Y.M.C.A.
(EVERYONE dances the Y.M.C.A.)
But for those of you who aren’t confident enough to try these moves in public, it’s always safe to
stick with The Jump.
(EVERYONE dances The Jump.)
The music stops and EVERYONE stops
dancing.
TWENTY
I think I got it! Watch this.
TWENTY tries to do “The Jump” but trips
into someone who falls into someone else
and it dominos through the whole group
until everyone is on the ground.
TWENTY-THREE
Well most of the time it’s safe. It’s just a nightmare.
EVERYONE fades back as TWENTY-
FOUR steps forward.
TWENTY-FOUR
Reason number twenty-four: You’re gonna think this is stupid, but… Finding a partner for a
class assignment. See, the teacher just says…
31
ONE
(Stepping out as the teacher)
Alright, everyone get with a partner.
HALF THE CAST steps forward and
spreads out so that each person is standing
alone.
TWENTY-FOUR
This is a crucial moment. You don’t know a lot of people in the class. And half of the ones you
do know you don’t like.
ONE
You’ll be working with this person for the next three weeks.
TWENTY-FOUR
Uh oh! Time to panic.
TWENTY-FOUR rushes to one of the lone
persons, but SOMEONE FROM THE
OTHER HALF OF THE CAST beats
him/her there. S/he turns and runs to
someone else but is beaten again. S/he
keeps trying to get a partner but is beaten
every time. EVERYONE is paired up
except for TWENTY-FOUR and TWENTY-
ONE.
ONE
Where’s your partner?
TWENTY-FOUR
Uh, I was absent the day we chose them, but that’s okay, I can work alone.
ONE
That won’t be necessary. We’ve got one other person that doesn’t have a partner.
TWENTY-FOUR
Please don’t say Angleburt. Please don’t say Angleburt.
ONE
Angleburt!
TWENTY-ONE
(Running like a nerd up to TWENTY-FOUR)
Here! I’m here! Do I finally get a partner?!
32
ONE
Angleburt, you can be partners with Kelly here.
TWENTY-ONE
(Wiping nose and then extending hand to shake)
Hi, partner. I like to work evenings and weekends.
TWENTY-FOUR
It’s just an in-class assignment so we won’t need to--
ONE
Class, for this assignment you’ll need to work with your partners evenings and weekends.
TWENTY-ONE scratches his/her underarm
like a monkey.
TWENTY-FOUR
This stinks.
They fade back.
TWENTY-FIVE
(Stepping forward)
Reason number twenty-five: Substitute teachers.
EVERYONE moans.
TWENTY-NINE
Substitute teachers think they rule the world!
TWENTY-FIVE
Hey! I’m number twenty-five!
TWENTY-NINE
Sorry. It’s just that I’m passionate about this one.
TWENTY-FIVE
Substitute teachers think they rule the world! Of course, there are some substitute teachers that
are perfectly normal. But some are just weird.
TWENTY-NINE steps forward as the
substitute teacher. TWO, THREE, and
TWENTY-FIVE bring the desks forward
and become the class.
33
TWENTY-NINE
(Speaking through clenched teeth like a drill sergeant)
Alright, quiet down. Mrs. Hansen is sick today, so, I’m your substitute teacher. I’m going to
take role. Just answer “here” when your name is called. I don’t wanna here any weird sounds or
see any freaky hand signals. Nothing but the required “here.” Do not deviate from these
instructions! Got it? Good! Because if I hear anything other than a “here” from any of you I
will bring the full wrath of my substitute teaching power down upon your heads! Here we go!
Todd Anderson.
(TWO raises hand)
What is it, you little maggot!
TWO
Todd Anderson is sick today, so, I’m your substitute student.
TWENTY-NINE
Substitute student. Right! Okay then! So… do I mark him absent or…
TWO
No. Since I’m the substitute, it’s as if he were here. Just like you’re here for Mrs. Hansen.
TWENTY-NINE
Oh. I see. Great! Jessica Aaa… Aaaa… this is a hard one. Jessica Aaaa… I’m not sure how to
Pronounce it. It’s like some foreign… Aaaa…
THREE
Adams?
TWENTY-NINE
Yes, that’s it!
THREE
She’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who
knows this kid who’s going with this girl who saw Jessica pass out at Thirty-One Flavors last
night. I guess it’s pretty serious.
TWENTY-FIVE
Hey, isn’t that from Ferris B—
THREE
I memorized it.
TWENTY-NINE
So, she’s sick?
THREE
I’m her substitute.
34
TWENTY-NINE
I see, thank you. I won’t mark her absent then.
TWENTY-FIVE
(To Audience)
Sure, it’s fun messing with the sub, but the worst part about having a substitute teacher is that it
feels like we’re not important; like they don’t expect much from us. I know some kids like that
but for me, I hate busy work and meaningless tasks designed to keep us quiet and docile. When
there’s a sub, mostly we get a word search or a crossword puzzle instead of learning.
TWENTY-NINE
(Holding up a coloring book and crayons)
Today you will be coloring page 23 in your book. Make the tree green and there’s not really a
pig color in your box so just use a light pink. And if any of you color outside the lines, it’ll be
ten points off for each infraction. Now, get to work!
TWENTY-FIVE
Alexander the Great founded his first colony when he was 16. Joan of Arc led the French army
as a teenager. Mary Shelley finished writing her novel Frankenstein by age nineteen. George
Washington was a land surveyor when he was just a year older than me! He became the
Surveyor General of Virginia at age 17! But I can be proud that in my formidable years I
colored a picture of a pig and tree.
They fade back.
TWENTY-SIX
(Stepping forward)
Reason number twenty-six: The middle school lunchroom. You’re probably thinking that I’m
going to complain about the lunch lady. I mean, the lunch lady is practically a cliché. But our
lunch lady, or should I say, lunch ladies, are actually very nice. And they’re great cooks! But
the school lunches are terrible! I know, how can you have great lunch ladies and terrible
lunches. Well, I can sum it up in one word: Washington D.C. Now, to me, there’s nothing more
boring than politics.
TEN True that, number twenty-six!
TWENTY-SIX
But on the other hand, there’s nothing more exciting than food. So, I decided to look into it. It
turns out that politicians, who, by the way, don’t eat here, decide what can be served for school
lunch. Here’s a little sample of what they’ve decided. Mondays:
FOUR and FIVE step forward.
FOUR
(Displaying a plate of yuck)
They call it “Nachos.” We call it barfos.
35
FIVE
It’s a plate of runny brown on the bottom and then some runny yellow in the middle and then a
squirt of ketchup on the top. It comes with a canned peach. Not peaches, just a single slice of a
canned peach.
FOUR and FIVE fade back as SIX and
SEVEN step Forward.
TWENTY-SIX
Tuesdays:
SIX
(Displaying a plate of yuck)
Barfaroni. With 96% real “aroni.”
SEVEN
It’s extra-long pasta with a watery grey liquid poured over it which settles at the bottom. It has
these little… things mixed in that are the size of boogers. It’s awesome.
TWENTY-SIX
Wednesdays:
TEN and ELEVEN step forward.
TEN
(Displaying a “Hotless Dog”)
The Hotless Dog.
ELEVEN
They’re in the shape of hotdogs. But they’re made out of the healthier substitute: Soy with extra
soy. Soydogs might be a more accurate name but since their always cold, we call them Hotless
Dogs. Half of the time there are no hotdog buns so they serve them on hamburger buns with a
ketchup packet.
TWENTY-SIX
Thursdays:
TWELVE and FOURTEEN step forward.
TWELVE
(Displaying a plate of yuck)
Smothered double fiber with a side of trans fat.
FOURTEEN
The name says it all. Personally, I don’t trust the meat; it’s purple. Once, and I don’t know if
this was on purpose or not, but I found a sticker on my plate that said, “not for human
consumption.”
36
TWENTY-SIX
Fridays:
FIFTEEN & SIXTEEN step forward
displaying a plate of yuck.
FIFTEEN
Friday is the good day. We usually get rice. It comes in a ball but you can tell it’s rice.
SIXTEEN
We also get kale. Kale is a broad green or purple leaf with many small waves in the ends. It’s
closely related to wild cabbage. Kale is normally found at Chuck-A-Rama in the buffet, within
the ice, under plates that contain the edible food. It’s used as a decoration. For us, it’s the main
course.
TWENTY-SIX
But the best part about Fridays is the desert. Ice-milk! It’s a cup of frozen skim milk meant to
simulate ice-cream. But when you take the lid off, there’s a joke printed on the bottom. Check it
out.
(Taking a lid from their plate and reading)
What prize do you get for putting your phone on vibrate? The No Bell Prize. See? Wasn’t that
worth it?
THEY fade back as TWENTY-SEVEN
steps forward.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Reason number twenty-seven: Some boys, not all boys, but some boys, think long hair on boys
is hot.
(ALL THE BOYS put on wigs or mops or yarn to create long hair.)
Don’t get me wrong. Long hair on guys can look good. There’s Thor, Gandolf, Jack Sparrow,
Braveheart, Dumbledore, Aragorn, and Animal from the Muppets.
(ALL THE BOYS step forward and model their hair.)
But this is what we get in middle school. Go ahead, guys, give us a hair flip.
(ALL THE BOYS flip their hair)
To make matters worse, some boys try to grow a mustache or goatee.
(ALL THE BOYS tape on a paper mustache or goatee.)
They’re trying to look like a rock star but they really look like Cousin It from the Adams Family.
Boys, you may think this is hot, but, take it from me, it’s not.
ALL THE BOYS take off their wigs and
mustaches and walk away dejected.
TWENTY-EIGHT steps forward.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Reason number twenty-eight: The Lovey-Dovey hall.
37
EVERYONE
Aaaargh! I hate the Lovey-Dovey hall!
TWENTY-EIGHT
This is the most uncomfortable place in the school. It’s a hallway down at the other end where
one of the overhead lights is broken. It’s also one of the skinnier hallways, so naturally, it’s
more crowded and busy. Once I got hugged three times just trying to get to the restroom.
SEVENTEEN
Hugged? What do you mean?
TWENTY-EIGHT
There’re like five or six couples in the school that are so “in love” that they must meet in this
hallway between every class and “declare their love.”
SEVENTEEN
Oh, right. I know what you’re talking about. In fact, here comes one of them now.
EIGHT & NINE start from opposite ends
and run toward each other in SLOW
MOTION with arms stretched out.
SEVENTEEN
So, you were on your way to the bathroom?
TWENTY-EIGHT
(Walking down the hall in SLOW MOTION)
Exactly! So here I go, just minding my own business, trying to get to the restroom, when bam!
Outta nowhere, I’m hugged!
TWENTY-EIGHT has gotten between
EIGHT & NINE who collide with him/her
in SLOW MOTION. They both fall down
while TWENTY-EIGHT keeps going.
Meanwhile, THIRTEEN & FIFTEEN have
started running at each other in SLOW
MOTION.
SEVENTEEN
You got in their way.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Yep! So, I spin out of their grasp and straight into another couple.
THIRTEEN & FIFTEEN reach TWENTY-
EIGHT and collide with him/her in SLOW
MOTION. They both fall down while
TWENTY-EIGHT keeps going.
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Meanwhile, SIX & SEVEN have started
running at each other in SLOW MOTION.
SEVENTEEN
You’re lucky to be alive!
TWENTY-EIGHT
Then, from outta nowhere, I’m accosted by another couple. I tried to dodge but their love was
too strong and too fast!
SIX & SEVEN sandwich TWENTY-EIGHT
in an awkward hug.
SIX & SEVEN
This is awkward.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Yes, that’s my whole point.
In SLOW MOTION, TWENTY-EIGHT
breaks free, sending SIX and SEVEN flying
to the ground.
SEVENTEEN
I hate the Lovey-Dovey hall.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Tell me about it.
THEY ALL fade back as TWENTY-NINE
steps forward.
TWENTY-NINE
You guys, we’re almost there! Reason number twenty-nine: Embarrassing moments. While
you can’t call every moment in middle school an embarrassing moment, I think you can say,
with certainty, that, in middle school, everyone has had an embarrassing moment. For many,
middle school provided their first embarrassing moment. Go ahead, think back, when was the
first time you were truly and utterly mortified with embarrassment. Chances are, it was in
middle school. So, to honor your embarrassing moments, here are your middle school
memories:
EVERYONE, in rapid succession, steps up
and announces a memory.
ONE
Remember when having an article of clothing from Abercrombie, Hollister, or Aeropostale was
essential?
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TWO
Remember being bullied because of who your older brother was?
THREE
Remember the kids with no filter? They just blurt out anything. Hey, you’re ugly!
FOUR
Remember not reading The Diary of Anne Frank?
FIVE
Remember sharing lockers and how your locker buddy gave your combination to all his/her
friends?
SIX
Remember thinking your new shorts will look cute but then you end up freezing in the snow
because of a fire drill?
SEVEN
Remember showing off for a cute guy or girl by demonstrating how high you can kick and
totally eating it?
EIGHT
Remember how not knowing who you are is scary and at that age you don’t know who you are,
so it’s always scary?
NINE
Remember how having a boyfriend seemed like the most important thing?
TEN
Remember, on the first day of school, getting the awesome seat in back of the class and on the
second day there was a seating chart that put you in the front row?
ELEVEN
Remember cranking the pencil sharpener and banging your knuckles on the wall?
TWELVE
Remember how the rows of desks were so skinny that when a teacher stooped over to help
someone in the next row, you would get… nah, you don’t wanna remember that.
THIRTEEN
Remember freckles?
FOURTEEN
Remember acne?
FIFTEEN Remember wanting freckles but getting acne instead? I got both.
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SIXTEEN
Remember the bathrooms? I’d rather hold it all day than go here.
SEVENTEEN
Remember tripping and accidentally grabbing the fire alarm and from then on everyone called
you alarmy?
EIGHTEEN
Remember finding proof, on the underside of the desk, of the teachers’ claim that middle
schoolers aren’t mature enough to chew gum?
NINETEEN
Remember the painful and greasy school-provided headphones in the testing center?
TWENTY
Remember being the only one in your group working on your group project?
TWENTY-ONE
Remember being accidentally pantsed in flag football?
TWENTY-TWO
Remember how the dress code allowed you to wear shorts that showed your thighs but not pants
with holes in them that showed a tiny spot on your calves?
TWENTY-THREE
Remember how there weren’t enough seats in the cafeteria so if you got there last you had to
stand while you ate?
TWENTY-FOUR
Remember how you couldn’t drive so you’d end up waiting in the parking lot for hours until
your mom remembered to pick you up?
TWENTY-FIVE
Remember how the set of double doors have that pole in the middle and knocking yourself out
by running into it?
TWENTY-SIX
Remember throwing up in class? No one? Just me?
TWENTY-SEVEN
Remember fainting from that holding your breath contest?
TWENTY-EIGHT
Remember showing up to school in nothing but your underwear? I mean, remember that dream?
TWENTY-NINE
Remember trying to sharpen your mechanical pencil?
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THIRTY
Remember when you forgot your line in the school play and everyone just sat there staring at
you and then you… uh…
TWENTY-NINE
Well, there you have it, your memories; embarrassing, aren’t they?
ONE
You know what that means?!
FOUR We only have one more!
TWO
Who’s turn is it?
EVERYONE looks around. None steps up.
THREE
Who hasn’t done one yet? Who’s number thirty?
THIRTY
(Stepping forward)
I am.
ONE
Oh no, not you.
THIRTY
Yes, me. I have to admit that you’ve given twenty-nine pretty good reasons why middle
schoolers need a survival guide. I can’t say that I disagree with any of them. But I’m number
thirty. And being number thirty comes with a big responsibility.
TWO
Here we go.
THIRTY
No really. I didn’t think you could do it. But you all came together and made it this far. I feel
like this experience has made us closer, we’ve become better friends. It was fun!
(EVERYONE starts to agree)
I’ve learned about myself, I’ve learned about you. I’m seeing that we have more freedom than
when we were in elementary school and I’m starting to think that the dumb things I’ve cared
about aren’t as important as I thought.
(EVERYONE mumbles in agreement)
Your twenty-nine reasons have taught me that our friends may change but that doesn’t change
us. They say that this is a time to “find yourself.” But you’ve taught me that self isn’t found, it’s
created. And I have the freedom to create the best self I can be.
(EVERYONE claps and cheers)
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ONE
Uh, that was a great speech. Really, just great. But the fact remains, we still need one more
reason.
THIRTY
Okay. Reason number 30 why middle schoolers need a survival guide: Right now, no survival
guide exists. So, the best reason I can think of for having one is that, if it did exist we could all
get together again… and read it. Because even though being in middle school is rough… I sure
love you guys!
EVERYONE
Awwww!
ONE
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
EVERYONE
30 reasons why middle schoolers need a survival guide!
Everyone Cheers.
BLACKOUT.
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Set Pieces Brought On
Three student desks
A bench
A large trash can
Props List
Apple
Toy Car
Scuba Flippers
Perfume spray bottle for each female
Cologne spray bottle for each male
2 Dodgeballs
Straw
Crumpled up wad of paper for everyone
Phones or something that can look like a cell phone for everyone
Aluminum Foil
Head gear for teeth braces made from straps, duct tape, and a wire clothes hanger
Tape Measure
5 Plates of gross looking lunches
Fake long hair for each male
Paper mustaches & Goatees for each male
Sounds
School Bell Sound FX
Dance Music
