3 - IGL - Just a Thing

7/28/2019 3 - IGL - Just a Thing

1/24

Just a thing

By

Dorian Bartecki

Thing that happened last night


2/24

INT. 1ST FLOOR CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR -AFTERNOON

MARIO is in the bathroom and hes doing his usual business(Singing in the bathroom to a toothbrush), suddenly hestarts to scream like a girl. FRANK runs quickly to check

out whats going on. Mario is getting out of the bathroom ina pink bathrobe. Frank looks at Mario strangely.

FRANKDude what the hell are you wearing?

MARIOOh this... thats just... i mean...its not mine, Im wearing thisbecause mine got dirty and your momsaid i could have this one.

FRANK

Okeee. Why the hell were youscreaming like a bitch huh?

MARIODude theres this thing in thebathroom its huge, bigger than myhand, man, it could eat both of usin one bite. Im not exaggerating.

FRANKI bet theres nothing in there.

Frank goes inside to have a look, he quickly comes back out

closing the door while panting.

FRANKDude you were right, its massive,how the hell did that thing got inthere?

MARIOI dont know man. Dude we needsomeone or something to get rid ofit.

FRANKI could ask GARY to kill thatthing, he apparently served in thearmy and he use to eat these thingsfor breakfast hell probably killthis one with no problem.

Frank takes out his phone and calls Gary


3/24

2.

PHONE CONVERSATION

Gary is seen in a cloud in the right top corner.

FRANKHi Gary.

GARYWassup?

FRANKWell me and Mario have a problem ina bathroom with this thing, itsmassive?

GARYOkay if this is another gay thingim out.

FRANKNo it not that again, you served inthe army right?

GARYYeah i think so, or did i? What isit?

FRANKYou know that thing that you use toeat for breakfast in the army.

GARY

Ow that thing, its a bit late forbreakfast dont you think?

FRANKWe dont want you to eat it, wejust want you to kill it, can youkill it?

GARYYeah sure, Ill be right over.

FRANKCool awesome Ill see you soon.

Gary cloud pops.


4/24

3.

INT. 1ST FLOOR CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR

Frank puts away his phone and he hears a door bell.

FRANKThat was quick.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Frank and Mario go up to open the door expecting Gary, butinstead its Franks Mum back from shopping with some bagsin her hands.

FRANKMum what are you doing here?

MUMMe and DAD went shopping to get youyour diapers did you forget?

Mum enters the house.

FRANKNo mum. (sounding embarest)

MUMGood now go and help youre dad getthe groceries from the car.

Frank and Mario get out the house to the car.

EXT. FRONT OF THE FRANKS HOUSE

Frank and Mario walk to the car where dad is getting out thegroceries from the trunk of the car, in the window we cansee an alien with a laser gun show up and disappear for abrief second.

MARIODude you wear diapers? I thought Iknew you, but every day I learnsomething new about you. I dontfeel like I know you anymore man.

FRANKShut up and help me get thegroceries.

MARIOCool, cant wait to tell everybodyabout it.

(CONTINUED)


5/24

CONTINUED: 4.

FRANKWho are you going to tell you and Idont know many people, did youforget?

MARIO

Ow yeah thats right.

Frank and Mario come up to dad. Dad shows his face which wascovered by the car.

FRANKHi Dad.

DADHi son they didnt have the usualdiapers so we took different ones.

Dad hands over a bag with a pack of diapers in it.

FRANKWhat?

Frank takes out the diapers pack.

FRANKBut dad these dont have theunicorns and rainbows.

Frank looks like hes about to cry.

DAD

I know but these have cars andshovels, so what will they do ornot? if not we can get youdifferent ones?

FRANKNo! I want unicorns.

DADTough luck kid, live with theseuncontrollable bowel boy.

MARIOAnd you dont piss your self butshit your self Oh My God this isgolden.

FRANKShut up and help 2 inch john.

(CONTINUED)


6/24

CONTINUED: 5.

MARIOThat aint fair it was cold.

FRANKSure.

Frank and Mario take a bag each and go home.

INT. KITCHEN

Frank, Mario and Dad enter with the groceries and leave themon the floor.

FRANKOy Mario, do you wanna watch someTV?

MARIO

Yeah sure whats on today.

FRANKIm not sure, theres a new showabout a sponge living in the seawhos a fry cook or something idont thing its going to stay onthe air for long.

MARIOYeah thats sounds dumb, butawesome at the same time.

FRANKYeah it does.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Frank and Mario sit on a couch and they watch TV lookingamazed.

FRANKDude i was wrong this is awesome,who wouldve though a Sponge andStarfish could get along so well. Iswear they eat each other orsomething like that.

MARIONo thats sea monkeys dude. ButYeah its awesome man, i hope itgoes on forever.

(CONTINUED)


7/24

CONTINUED: 6.

FRANKMe too.

Mum comes in from the kitchen.

MUM

Do any of you need to use thetoilet, cos Im going to take abrown shower, (says that to herself) ow that Burrito.

FRANKNo were fine mum, thanks.

Mum goes upstairs.

FRANKDude i feel like were forgettingsomething i dont know what yet.

Frank and Mario think in weird poses and they scratch theirheads.

MARIOI know!

FRANKWhat was it?

MARIOYou left the toaster on.

FRANKOw yeah youre right Ill leave iton youll never know when we mightget toast munchies.

MARIOYeah.

Frank and Mario go back to watching the TV

TV (SPONGEBOB RIP OFF VOICE)Oh know its the thing! (Scream)

Frank and Mario look at each other.

FRANK & MARIOThe thing!

FRANKMum!

(CONTINUED)


8/24

CONTINUED: 7.

MARIOLady Unicorn!

Frank and Mario run upstairs.


Frank and Mario get up stairs just as mum is about to openthe door to the bathroom. Frank is panting

FRANKMum stop! Damn it i need toexercise more.

MUMWhats wrong honey did you poopagain?

FRANKWe need to stop that joke its notfunny.

MARIOIt is according to these 25retweets.

FRANK99 dude.

MARIOOw yeah no one likes it, lets stop

it.

FRANKMum you cant go in there.

MUMWhy not?

FRANKTheres a thing in there.

MARIOYes its true, its massive and ithas 5 heads.

MUMIt cant be that big.

Mum enter the bathroom and quickly exits and closes thedoor.

(CONTINUED)


9/24

CONTINUED: 8.

MUMYou were right, its giant. What dowe do now i really need to poop?

FRANKWell our friend Gary is on the way

here to kill it.

We can see a silhouette of EMILY exiting a room to the placewhere everyone is.

EMILYKill? Who said kill?

Frank and Mario look at each other.

FRANKWho is that? (whisper)

MARIOI dont know. (whisper)

FRANKWho are you? please dont rape usat least not me, please rape him.

MARIOThanks man thats very friend ofyou.

EMILYWhat? its me Emily.

FRANKEmily? What are you doing here?

EMILYIm staying over here for fewweeks.

FRANKSince when? nobody told me.

EMILYIve been here for over 2 weeksalready.

FRANKWhat? Mum is that true?

MUMi dont know but i guess it wouldexplain the mystery of the

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


10/24

CONTINUED: 9.

MUM (contd)disappearing cans of sliced peacheswhich have been disappearing forthe last 2 weeks.

CUT TO mum filling the cupboard with cans of peaches and a

hand taking the cans. And mum turns back and looks wherehave they gone.

EMILYI do love the peaches mhhhh, butseriously youre shiting me, thatno one noticed i was here, i evensleep in your room frank and i evendecorated it in unicorns andrainbows.

CUT TO Franks in the morning with Emily in bed and the roomhas plenty of unicorns and rainbows and its pink.

FRANKIm pretty sure it was like thatalready.

EMILYAnd yesterday when i was walkingnaked round the house you didntsee me either?

CUT TO Frank and Mario watching TV at night and censoredEmily walks naked in front of them.

FRANKI dont recall anything like thatdo you Mario?

Mario looks at emily to imagine her naked in a good way.

MARIONot really but i think i would.

EMILYThanks. How about last week atbreakfast i passed you the salt.

CUT TO Frank Mario Emily at the table eating sandwiches andeggs and Emilly passes the salt.

FRANKIm pretty sure last week was apankcake friday which we have oncea week each month.

(CONTINUED)


11/24

CONTINUED: 10.

EMILYYes it was, we all had pancakes.

CUT TO Same thing but with pancakes.

FRANK

So why did i need salt?

EMILYHow do i know? I know i had minewith sliced peaches mhhhh.

FRANKNow you made me think. God why didi need the salt?

MARIOSo who is she anyway thats shesstaying here in your room with you

in bed?

FRANKShes my cousin.

MARIOAnd you sleep with your cousin?

FRANKDude I didnt even know she washere until now man neither did you.

EMILY

Youre bunch of jerks, but anywayyou cant kill anything, killing isevil.

MARIOWait till you see the thing, youllchange youre mind.

Mam is lying on the ground while trying to hold the poop.

MUMShe wont she a freak when it comesto protecting any living or deadbeings, few years ago she tried toprotect a snake that almost killedher.

EMILYHe did it because he was scared ithappens.

(CONTINUED)


12/24

CONTINUED: 11.

MUMSnakes kill and so does dirahea.

Frank runs around hitting him self in the head with analready cooked 1 stripe of spaghetti pasta.

EMILY

Let me see it.

MARIOHere you go.

Emily enter the bathroom and exits in a hurry.

EMILLYYou were right we need to kill thatthing.

MARIOWe told you.

FRANKWhy did i need salt? come on whoeats salt with pancakes? Huh who?!

Frank hits his head over the wall.

MARIOEmily do you have any ideas on howto get rid of it?

EMILYHow about we close the door andhope he runs out of air and dies?

MARIOThat might work, but i thought youwere smarter to be honest.

EMILYThanks.

FRANKIt makes no sense pancakes saysweet not salty, it makes no

fucking sense.

MARIOLeave it alone man.

FRANKI cant this needs to be resolvedand if i dont do it know illforget about it.

(CONTINUED)


13/24

CONTINUED: 12.

MARIOMaybe you had a snail on your legand obviously salt hurts them likehell.

FRANK

No that cant be it, i got rid ofJim a year ago.

MARIOThen i dont know man.

MUMI really need to go the toilet dosomething!

FRANKOkay with that attitude, well besure to hurry up. Mums psss

Everyone hears hears a doorbell

FRANKOoo i hope its Gary.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Frank goes down and opens the door, in expectation of garybut instead its GILLY.

FRANK

Gilly? What the hell are you doinghere?

GILLYIm here to go with Emily shopping.

FRANKSo you knew she was here and youdidnt tell us?

GILLYWhat?

FRANKAnd where are you going to goshopping at this hour?

GILLYTo the Clothes 24/7 shop, they havea sale today after 11pm.

(CONTINUED)


14/24

CONTINUED: 13.

FRANKBut its only 7.

GILLYI guess youve never been there,the lines there are atrocious atthis time we need to take a good

spot to get anything. So where isshe?

FRANKUp stairs come on in.

Gilly comes in.


Gilly and Frank come upstairs to Mum, Mario and Emily.

MARIOThat aint Gary.

FRANKGood eye sherlock, its gilly.

MARIOI know but its not Gary man whatdo we do?

FRANKI dont know.

GILLYWhat do you want to do, about what?

EMILYTheres a thing in the bathroom andit massive 12 heads at least and itwants to kills us.

GILLYHuh you want to kill something,thats new.

EMILYI dont but i know i dont wantthat here, no one does. Thats whywe need gary to kill it.

GILLYI bet its nothing, i bet itssmall and harmless.

(CONTINUED)


15/24

CONTINUED: 14.

FRANKBe our guest.

Frank opens the bathroom door for Gilly and she enters andquickly runs back.

GILLY

Okay you were right i dont knowwhat that is and how it got inthere but you need to tell me whatbath salt were in there i reallyliked the colour and i think theysmell nice.

FRANKSalt? Fuck now you got me thinkingagain. Ffffff.

GILLYWhats up with him?

MARIOHe doesnt know why he needed saltfor pancakes.

GILLYAlright. Maybe you had something ona side that you wanted salted.

FRANKHa good one. If you loved you wouldknow that i dont eat anything elseon a pancake friday.

GILLYI dont love you.

FRANKI know thats what i said.

GILLYSalt.

FRANKDamn woman i was off that, now imthinking about it again. Shhhh whywhats the purpose who put salt onpancakes.

EMILYGood one G.

Emily and Gilly high five.

(CONTINUED)


16/24

CONTINUED: 15.

GILLYSo what do we do we cant just sithere and do nothing.

MARIOWere waiting for Gary hell kill

that thing.

GILLYIf i know gary and i know gary hemight come next week we need to dosomething now. Ow maybe we couldclose the door and wait till heruns out of air.

MARIOSeriously you to?

GILLY

What?

Doorbell rings Frank goes to open the door.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Frank opens the door still thinking about the salt. He opensthe door and we see FATSO on his chair.

FRANKYou aint gary where the fuck isgary seriously its been hours, and

what the hell do you want here noone likes you, get the hell out.

FATSOWhat i just came ...

Frank closes the door.

EXT. FRONT OF THE FRANKS HOUSE

Fatso rides of on his chair with the grill by using a paddlelike on a boat, he looks sad. Frank opens the door.

FRANKOy wait.

FATSOWhat?

(CONTINUED)


17/24

CONTINUED: 16.

FRANKSorry man, im trying to think ofsomething but for the love of god icant find the answer. Do you knowwhy could someone need salt for apancake?

FATSONo.

FRANKYou just became the most uselessman on the planet i cancel my sorrynow get the hell out.

FATSOYou cant do that do you know who iam?

FRANKa fat guy on a chair?

FATSOYes, okay Ill go.

Frank goes back home, and fatso paddles his way.


Frank comes back.

GILLYWho was it?

FRANKWhat who where i dont know give mesome air woman.

GILLYHow rude.

Emily hugs gilly

EMILYIgnore him.

GILLYThanks.

EMILYDo you wanna make out?

(CONTINUED)


18/24

CONTINUED: 17.

Frank and Mario suddenly turn their heads in hope to seesome action.

GILLYWhat, now?

MARIOI knew it, shes gay, Frank you oweme I won the bet. what was it 20milion pounds?

FRANKHow was i suppose to know youll beright i dont have that kind ofmoney.

MARIOThan get it.

FRANKI should have just bet it like youwith 20 pence. How about i buy andXD tomorrow?

MARIOCool but you were going to thatanyway so it doesnt count.

FRANKIll buy you 2.

MARIO

Include a back rub and its a deal

FRANKDeal.

GILLYYes i win pay me now Emily.

EMILYOkay here you go but take care ofit, I had it for like forever.

GILLYDont worry, Ill take a good careof it or should i say it will takea good care of me.

FRANKNot again.

(CONTINUED)


19/24

CONTINUED: 18.

MARIOPay off.

FRANKAt least this time i betted fairly.Here you go heres your 10 pounds.

MARIOThank you.

Doorbell rings again frank goes again.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Frank opens the door and its finally Gary.

FRANKYes Gary, finally dude what took

you so long huh?

GARYDont ask man, just know that myback door is broken.

FRANKBurglars?

GARYyou could say so, okay so where itthat thing?

FRANKUpstairs, come up ill show you.

Frank and Gary go up.


Frank and Gary get upstairs.

GARYIts in there right?

Frank nods his head yes. Gary enters and closes the doorbehind him, hes in there for few seconds. And comes backconfident.

MARIOSo did you kill it?

(CONTINUED)


20/24

CONTINUED: 19.

GARYWell ... (starts crying) no thatthing is huge i cant do it, but iknow someone who can. By the wayyoure mum looks like shes goingto shit her pants.

FRANKcan you call that someone?

GARYSure but it might cost you.

FRANKHow much?

GARYI dont know, I aint no priceknower person.

Gary takes out his phone and calls.

GARYHi its me.

GARYYes it the thing.

GARYNeed you here quick.

Gary puts his phone away.

MARIOQuestion? How is that someone gonnafind us if you didnt give him anaddress.

GARYThrust me theyll be here i canhere them coming now.

A tank and helicopter noise is heard on the outside. And anarmy of 20 soldiers comes in through the door, they break apart of the wall with the door.

Army enters the bathroom we hear gunfire, they quickly runout of there.

ARMY MEN 1That thing is to big for us.

A captain comes in he looks very tough.

(CONTINUED)


21/24

CONTINUED: 20.

GARYThat was quick Johnny.

JOHNNYThanks, what up soldiers threateliminated?

ARMY MEN 1NO sir its too big.

JOHNNYTheres no such thing as too big,theres only too small.

MARIOWow what a wise guy. (mario says itwith admiration)

Johnny enter the bathroom with a shotgun, and quickly comesout.

JOHNNYAlright soldiers youre excusedthat this is unbelievably huge.

FRANKSir what do we do now?

JOHNNYWe pray for a miracle thats whatwere going to do boy.

Every soldier, Johnny and Gary start to pray.

FRANKBut we dont believe in anything.

JOHNNYThen youre fucked.

FRANKI dont think its going to helpanyway.

JOHNNYWell see about that.

Dad comes up angry with a newspaper in his hand.

DADFrank what are these people doinghere and why the fuck did theydestroy our house huh?

(CONTINUED)


22/24

CONTINUED: 21.

FRANKDad theyre the army theyre arehere to kill the thing from thebathroom, it enormous.

MARIO

Yeah its true, this is even toobig for the Army to handle.

DADLet me see it.

FRANKDad no! dont go in there.

Dad goes in. We can a tiny spider on the celing and dadsquashes it with the newspaper.

DAD

Threat eliminated.

FRANKReally, were saved.

JOHNNYHere your miracle boy do you belivenow?

FRANKNo thank you.

Everyone starts to cheer. Frank opens up champagne, mum

finally goes to the bathroom and all we can hear is a 10second constant diarrhea noise and a sound or relief. Gillyhugs Emily, Frank hugs Mario.

GARYJohnny i forgot to thank you andthe soldiers for that thing todaybefore, you know.

JOHNNYDont worry it was our pleasure.

Johnny comes up to dad.

JOHNNYYou sir did something that neitheri or my army could do, what do youthink about joining the army?

(CONTINUED)


23/24

CONTINUED: 22.

DADFor killing a tiny spider nothanks. Now fix my wall!

JOHNNYI understand. Soldiers lets go.

Soldiers just lift the wall and they stick it with superglue and duck tape.

EXT. IN FRONT OF SHOP - NEXT DAY MORNING

Frank comes out with 2 cans of XD for Mario. He hands themover to him. Frank opens and has a sip.

MARIOGod i love to win.

Gilly and emily come back from the sale.

FRANKHow did you do ladies got anythinggood?

GILLYNot really, ow and by the way imnot gay.

Frank turns around to mario and flips the can out of hishand.

MARIODude you know what you just did youjust wasted gold in liquid form.

FRANKI know. But the bet is of now giveme my 20 pence.

Mario gives the money fair and square and the he starts tolick the floor so the drink is not wasted. Frank goes awayinto the background.

THE END

On a black screen we see subtitles saying what was with thatsalt

SUBTITLESSo what about that salt on pancake?huh, you thought we forgot right?

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


24/24

CONTINUED: 23.

SUBTITLES (contd)Well no, we just cant think ofanything funny for that bit, butjust think about it as too awesomefor a human mind to handle unlessyoure a dog you could understand

that, thank you for watching andsee you soon.

Documents

3 - IGL - Just a Thing