25 Business Life Secrets

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1 | P a g e www.heartharmony.com.au Heart Harmony 2009

25 Business & Life Secrets

25 secrets in work, life, love and spirit

An e-book by Ingrid Cliff, Heart Harmony




Wouldnt it be great if when you were born, your parents were given a special book just to give to you? A book that contained information about life, work, love and spirit. A book that gave you tips and ideas on how to deal with this thing called life.

This e-book is the start of such a book. In it you will find chapters on how to build your effectiveness in:

Work 1. The Purpose of Work 2. How to find the perfect job 3. Intuition and recruitment 4. Financial Year Review 5. Your personal attitude, skills and approach do matter 6. Your beliefs affect your abundance 7. Fun is good for business

Life 8. How to follow your heart 9. Goal setting works 10. Be careful what for what you ask for 11. Affirmations are not as simple as they seem 12. It only takes a moment 13. Perfectionism hurts! 14. You dont have to be limited by fear 15. Getting unstuck 16. Procrastination can be beaten 17. Self sabotage 18. You have choices 19. Dont be too busy to think 20. The Meaning of Christmas

Love 21. Who we love shows us who we are 22. Miracles happen 23. Forgiveness is not for wimps!

Spirit 24. You have an internal guidance system 25. Happiness is only a thought away

Enjoy the journey!

Ingrid Cliff



Effectiveness in Work

Secret 1: The Purpose of Work

Many people ask how to discover their life purpose, believing that when they find that, they will be able to find their ideal work. This is certainly the case, but no experience is wasted in life. While you are working on discovering your life purpose, what about learning the purpose of the work you are doing?

Work is the ultimate personal development workshop where you get paid to attend. You rarely consciously get to choose the people you work with and as a result you find you are surrounded by interesting personality types. To keep your job, you need to deal with difficult, unpleasant and sometimes boring tasks under trying timelines and situations.

Just think about it, at work your effectiveness & success depends on you finding creative ways to deal with people, situations and politics that if you had a choice in your regular life you would avoid at all costs. Yet, the more you learn, the more effective you are.

So look around you at your present job what curriculum are you enrolled in? Are you in the Dealing with Difficult People course, or the Time Management program? Are you in the Remaining Motivated from Within session or the Learning to trust your Intuition segment? Are you a repeat student do you keep finding you are doing the same subject no matter which school (work) you attend?

The next challenge is realizing that while the people all around you are action learning sets for you to practice on; you are someone for them to practice on. What about your own behaviour is irritating or annoying others? Are you someone elses difficult person? If you are, what are you willing to do to learn and grow?

Once you have identified your curriculum, you are in a better place to target your personal growth and development. What do you need to learn in order to function optimally? What emotions or behaviours do you need to target and refine in order to graduate from this class?

Work does not have to be all about task. If you can rise above the every day and look at your work with new eyes, you can discover the purpose of your present job. In doing that, you will also begin to discover your lifes purpose.

Secret 2: How to find the perfect job

When you start the search for the perfect job, some people start by writing their selection criteria and application and others by building their skills in interviews. All of these are perfectly valid steps but they all are missing the most important beginning steps. YOU! When looking for the perfect job, dont start by looking outwards at others and what they have to offer, the best place to start is inwards and who you are.

If you start with what jobs are available, you have given all your power and control away to other people, you are reacting rather than creating what you need to be fulfilled and happy. The possibility of a perfect match between you and your job falls dramatically, and you may end up yet another passenger in a corporation. It is like looking for a love partner just in one place looking around a room, asking who is available and then moving in with the first person who puts their hand up. You wouldnt do it with love, so why would you do it with something that you will spend a lot of time and passion on?



If you want to be in the perfect job, the first place to start is with your key values. Your values will determine where you spend your time, energy and money. When you know what is important to you you have started to write your own selection criteria for a job. For example if showing care and appreciation for other people is important to you, you will not be happy or fulfilled in a job that provides no recognition towards its staff or allows limited interaction between staff members. If you value honesty highly, then selling a product you do not believe in will not work for you in the long term.

Once you have your top 10 values, you can use this list to talk with potential employers when you ring for further information ask about what the work team is like, what are the key challenges of the company and the role in the coming months; ask the person what the organizational culture is like. These will help you know whether you want to work there or not, as you can compare what they say with what is important to you.

Ideal Job description

Next write out two position or job descriptions (thanks Barbara Sher for this idea). Start by writing out the most horrible job that you can think of the hours of work, location, people you would work with, tasks you would be asked to do, type of boss, pay. Think back and add in all the bits you have hated from other jobs or jobs you have heard about. Really have fun designing the most horrible job in the world. Read it through and then totally swap everything 180 degrees for the second description. This will help you design the perfect job you are looking for.

Next discover what your calling/passion in life is. I say discover as it is usually something you need to discover rather than logic out. As you discover your calling you will find that it has nothing to do with being an Assistant in a Hardware store but more with what you give back to others help others to learn and grow to their fullest potential.

When you have discovered your calling you will find you can do your calling almost anywhere. It will also help you in writing your application and during interview what sounds better to a potential employer - I like tools and hardware or I like helping people learn the joy of how they can do it themselves using tools and hardware?

Putting it all together

OK you now are armed with a lot of information. You have your value set selection criteria, your perfect job description and you know your calling, you are nearly ready to look for jobs. The final step is to visualize or imagine the perfect job you have designed, put yourself into the image and experience how it feels. Does it feel right and comfortable? As you experience yourself in this job, you are programming your mind to find it for you.

Now you can start looking at what is out there. Compare all jobs with your information to work out the match. If it totally doesnt match, dont waste your time and the corporations time with applying. If the job is close to your list, then apply but dont be afraid to check out for more details when at interview they ask the are there any questions you would like to ask us? at the end of the interview.

Most people assume that you need to look to find a perfect job different to the one you are in, which is not necessarily the case. I worked with one wonderful client who did everything in this section and then discovered that the job she was in was her perfect match! She had come to me as she hated her job and wanted to leave. She did her review and then discovered that she was in the perfect role for her to follow her calling. She then went back and asked herself how can I implement my calling in what I do? With this change of focus she is now happy, loves her job and has managed to double her income in 4 months through improved sales! So, being in the perfect job may be as simple as looking at your present job with different eyes.

So is there a perfect job for you? There are hundreds of perfect jobs you just need to know what you are measuring perfect against and then go for it!



Secret 3: Intuition and Recruitment

Ever had a hunch? What about a feeling in your waters? How about gut feel? All of these are euphemisms for intuition. Intuition is one of the most underrated business tools that exists for managers, with all successful leaders using it automatically in their day to day decision making. For 20 years I taught logical and rational decision making processes around people management to executives, but found that something was missing. Even the most rational and logical processes could go totally wrong unless intuition was allowed air time.

Nowhere was this more pronounced than in recruitment and selection processes. Best practice recruitment and selection since the 1980s has been guided by position descriptions, standardized selection criteria, competencies and structured interview processes. These processes were designed to take out the arbitrary nature of recruitment and to remove hidden discriminatory processes. The problem was that it also attempted to remove intuition from the process.

I have seen many recruitment processes where on paper one applicant came up on top, but panel members gut feel told them to be cautious. Generally when they didnt listen to their gut, they lived to regret their decision (I certainly did, I had a funny feeling about one candidate but allowed this feeling to be ignored and ended up hiring a stalker who created havoc for my staff).

So how do you hire someone successfully? Listen to both the rational and intuitive sides. Certainly follow the logical processes they do help to create a level playing field for candidates, but at the end of the process, ask each panel member to jot down silently what they feel about the candidates and whether or not they would they like working with them or would invite them home to a dinner with their family. The panel should then share their feelings if there is even one concern, then trust this hunch and use additional logical processes to check this hunch out.

These processes can include asking for additional referees, re-interviewing the top few candidates with new questions or supplementing the applicant pool with additional candidates for comparison. Life is too short for a bad hiring decision they are highly costly mistakes in terms of impact on a team and wasted training. Allow intuition to also come to the table and these mistakes will be minimized.

As an aside, who are the most naturally intuitive employees? In my experience accountants are most intuitive people I know, as they can glance at a balance sheet and know where there is a problem. A good accountant can scan a document and then find hollow logs or where expenditure is out of the ordinary in a way that normal business people cant. (It is also surprising how Ministers can always guess whether there will be a deficit or surplus budget months in advance of the figures coming in, although I suspect there are other factors coming into play here!)

Secret 4: Financial Year Review

I love the end of the financial year and that is not because I spent so many years at the Treasury Department! In January we set New Years resolutions but we often set them without clear indicators of success. If this is you, consider that money is one very tangible indicator of success - it is by no means the only indicator, but it is an easy one to measure. Where you are financially is a direct result of where you are emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Mid year is when we are gently encouraged by the tax department/IRS to take stock of our financial situation what we earned, what we saved, what we invested and where we are



now. Accept this gift by the tax dept/IRS and rather than looking at it as a chore, use it for something wonderful taking stock of your life and not just your income!

How does this work? I suggest this financial year, when you do your tax, take the next step. Stop and closely look at where you are financially. Consider how am I directly and personally contributing to this by my attitude, skills or

approach. Consider what beliefs you may be carrying that are directly creating this financial

outcome.

Our top 5 personal values are where we focus our money, time and energy. If your family is important to you, then you will spend your time and money on them in preference to other things. If you are not happy with where you are spending your money and your time, what needs to change?

Stop and work out your personal and financial goals for the coming financial year. Write down your goals on your diary or calendar and review them monthly when you

review your personal financial situation.

Secret 5: Your Personal Attitude, Skills and Approach DO Matter

But I own a business, you may say. How does my personal attitude, skills or approach impact on my business earnings? Up to 80% of any business success is directly attributable to the management team. They are human like all of us, so have strengths and weaknesses. If you are part of the management team or the owner, your individual strengths or weaknesses reflect in your business. For example: You may be a great visionary, with amazing dreams. However, you may not be good with

the day to day detail of bills/invoices and internal administrative processes. You create grand plans for expansion while the current business slowly falls apart at the foundations due to poor internal controls.

You may be great at the day to day business of the business, but have no spark for the future. You will never reach the full potential of the business.

You may be great at delivering outcomes, but a terrible manager of people. Your business will see high turnover, low morale and people not performing to their potential all at a cost to the profitability of the business.

You may create fantastic products, but not be a great communicator or not be willing to stand up and be visible to stakeholders, so your products gather dust or new clients are slow to come into the business.

This also applies if you work for other people. Even if you are a paid employee, you still also work for a company called Me Inc. How successful Me Inc is, depends on you and your attitude, skills or approach to your job. You may be great at initiating projects, but not so great at following through on the details

or completing the task. Where else do you fail to complete in your life? You may be happy to go to work, doing your 8 hours and just getting paid, and living only

for weekends. You are only going through the motions, not living your passion or your dream. Weekends are only 2 days out of 7 what a hard, dry life for the most part!

You may get things done, but no one in the team likes you or wants to work with you, so you get the projects that no-one likes or you only work on your own.

So, if you want to change your outcomes in work, you may need to change your personal attitude, skills and approach.



Secret 6: Your beliefs affect your abundance

Your financial situation is linked to your personal beliefs. If you believe it is better to give than receive, money will go out faster than come in. If you believe that to be spiritual you need to be poor guess what you create?

To check out some of your beliefs on wealth write down as many things you can think of in relation to the following:

Rich people are . Rich people never . Rich people always Money can Money cant

Next go through each one and see if this is true 100% of the time. Counter all negative beliefs with at least 3 situations where this has not held true in your life or in the life of others.

Finally work out belief you want to adopt in relation to wealth and then convert it to an affirmation and use it regularly this financial year to shift your beliefs

Secret 7: Fun is good for business

Last year I spent 3 days sharing a stall at the Living Now Expo in Brisbane. This expo was for to help people grow and was full of small business owners and practitioners. They were three of the most fun days that I had had in a very long time!

What made it so much fun? The people that I was with had a lot to do with it. For some reason all the people in our little part of the Expo decided that it was time for our Inner Children to come out and play. As a result we took the time to experience each others stalls and products with the innocence of children. We also swapped stalls at times and helped sell and promote each others products no competition as there was enough abundance for everyone.

Instead of allowing our adult side of not having tried something before or fear of looking silly to block us, we went in with the approach of giving things a go. So we tried out the Zen machines, where our feet wobbled from side to side (with much giggles and singing of Always look on the bright side of life), we tried out electric reflexology machines and took turns seeing what would happen to our hands and feet if we cranked up the power, we tried shots of Goji juice and earnestly discussed the flavour with the intensity of wine experts, we held our hands over crystals to see if we could feel anything, we checked out each others aura photos (the jury is still out on whether the cloud over Tonys head was proof that he had had a thought in his life or just his cigarette smoke), we booked in for healing sessions on modalities that were totally different to anything we had tried before and best of all, we tried out the Journey of the Wild Divine, the ultimate computer game.

Our happiness and excitement bubbled over into our talking with people about our respective products we all experienced how fantastic the people were who came to the expo and made terrific business contacts as a result.

So what did we learn? That happiness and fun is contagious and good for business, trying new things does not have to be confronting you may even like it, and that trade shows can be the place to make and build wonderful friendships. The next time there is an expo of all things different give it a go, let your inner child out to play!



Effectiveness in Life

Secret 8: How to follow your heart

Was last year the year you hoped it would be? Did you follow your heart and did you create the life that you love? Dig out a journal or some blank sheets of paper and jot the answers to these questions.

Think back over the year your relationships, your career, your abundance, your family, your sense of spirit whatever was relevant to your life. What were the highlights and things you need to celebrate from your year? What were the lowlights? What didnt go according to plan? What created the gaps between what you wanted to do and what you achieved?

Now look at these lists and say to yourself I am willing to take the lessons from these events and move on. What are the lessons you are taking from these lists?

Write down 5 things you learnt about yourself this past year.

Congratulate yourself and make sure you celebrate your successes.

Now for this year there will never be a more perfect time to find and follow your true calling and your heart path than now. This doesnt mean you throw in all your responsibilities and join a community housing project at Byron Bay. It does mean starting the process of moving towards following your heart.

So how do you do this? Listen with your heart when you need to make a decision. Your heart speaks very quietly and uses the voice of intuition as its language.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself if you are not sure whether you are hearing your ego or your heart. Are you excited and passionate about the choice you are making, or flat and depressed? Will your decision help other people as well as yourself? Any choice that is a true path of

heart will serve others as well as fulfilling your goals and wishes. Are you saying I have to or I should choose ? These are not words of a path of

heart, but scripts from someone else. Stop and refocus your energy. Did your answer come as a flash of insight or just knowing when you woke from a

sleep? (Intuition works best when we least search for it). When you begin to take action, do opportunities, synchronicities and coincidences start to

occur? Pay attention towards any signs or symbols that indicate you are on the right path (for example I always see a butterfly when I am on path).

Are you using all your unique skills, strengths and talents, doing what you love to do and do best? Your heart path always has you using all of your special talents and not letting them go to waste.

Following your heart helps bring you happiness, abundance, love and joy. It will not smooth all the bumps out of the road, or turn away disasters, but it will make the journey more enjoyable and fulfilling.



Secret 9: Goal Setting works!

If you dont know where you are going, any path will take you there. One of the most powerful things you can do to change your life is to set goals. Setting goals can sound very dauntingI like to think of it as dreams with deadlines. Just like dreams, goals are not set in stone. You can add, delete or amend them as things change in your life.

To help make setting goals easier, here are a few tips.

YoursYour most important goals need to be your goals, not your partners or your kids or your parents. This is your life. If you allow others to set your goals, then you are sabotaging your future.

ImportantYour goals must be important to you. If your goals will not make a difference in your lifethen dont do them!

SMARTThey must be SMARTspecific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timeframed. If they arent SMART then you wont know when you have achieved them.

FlexibleGoals need to be flexibleyou and your life will change. New opportunities will open for you. Goals that are jails are not useful to have.

Values basedGoals need to align with your valuesyour most important goals should relate directly to the things most important to you in your life.

BalancedGoals need to be balancedall work and no play makes anyone dull. Ensure having fun and relaxation is part of your goals.

Give backmany of us lead lives only focused on ourselves. Giving back to society in some way feeds your soul while helping others. Make sure you have a goal around this.

Supported Goals need to be supportedcreate a support network around you. Share your goals with people that can help you achieve them or will help to hold you accountable.

Dream big make sure you have at least 1 big hairy audacious goal to help you grow and stretch.

Now when writing your goals, write them as if you already have it, e.g.: I weigh 75 kg and have $25,000 in the bank.

Secret 10: Be careful for what you ask for!

Have you heard of the saying "Ask and you shall receive"? Ok - great concept, but how does it actually work? Many thinkers, religious, new age and scientific have been exploring this puzzle in recent years.

Have you ever decided that you need to buy a washing machine and then suddenly noticed there is a rush of companies advertising washing machines? What about if you are expecting a baby - notice how many people are pregnant around you? This is due to a part of your brain called the reticular activating system. The reticular activating system (RAS) is at the base of the brain stem and expands into the mid brain (neo cortex). It controls your sleep and arousal patterns and contributes to your focus of attention and levels of motivation.

You are bombarded by thousands of pieces of information every second - you need to sort this data into meaningful chunks and filter out non-relevant pieces of information otherwise you would overload. Your RAS does this for you. Your RAS is a bit like a computer you set the program to filter out what you want, so only the important bits get through.



Thanks for the science lesson Ingrid, but what does this have to do with me, you may be asking? What you program your mind through your RAS to look out for - that is what you get. If you program it to look for washing machines or pregnant ladies - that is what you see everywhere. The reality is that there are no more ads or pregnancies than before it is just that you can see them now. If you program your mind to see the good in others, then that is what you see.

There is a Buddhist teaching story that tells of a wise monk sitting at a crossroads. A family walked up to him and asked Tell us about the village up ahead. We are looking for a nice new home to live in. The monk replied Tell me about what the people were like where you came from. They were horrible, always fighting, crime was a problem and people were not helpful to each other. Sadly, the next village is the same replied the monk.

Another family walked up to the monk. Tell us about the village up ahead. We are looking for a nice new home to live in. The monk replied Tell me about what the people were like where you came from. They were wonderful, very generous and supportive of each other. The next village is the same replied the monk.

Now you get the basic idea, let's take it that bit further.

Your Reticular Activating System (RAS) and Goals

When you have clearly defined goals, what you are doing is setting your RAS to look for and sort information that will support your goals. If you have fuzzy goals, then your RAS will present you with fuzzy information and fuzzy outcomes.

The reverse also happens - if you set goals that are too narrow or limiting, then that is what you will receive.

To give you an example, I was talking with a businesswoman whose company had just closed. I was debriefing her about what she had done and what she could do differently next time as part of a grieving/closure ceremony. She was still stunned.

"I can't believe it she said. I was set some very specific goals in the past month". "Tell me about them" I asked.

"Well, I asked all my staff to make 100 appointments for free sessions with my business. I set each person an individual target of appointments to achieve and the time within which to achieve them".

"So what happened" - I asked.

"Well, they achieved their targets, we had 100 appointments booked. The problem was that none of the appointments converted to paying customers. Some didn't turn up, most couldn't afford our services and many just wanted the free session."

"So you actually got what you asked for. Did you set any goals for conversion to paying customers?"

A look of horror passed over her face as she realized what had happened "No - we got exactly what we asked for - appointments, not customers!"

Lets leave aside the question of demographics, correct target marketing and qualifying clients for a moment. What she asked for she got 100%. The trouble was, she only asked for part of what she really wanted.

Lessons from Prayer

So does this mean that you have to be 100% crystal clear on exactly what you want? Not exactly. While there is a lot of research currently going on about RAS, there is also a lot of



work going on about the power of prayer. Just key in Power of Prayer into Google and have a look at some of the nearly 3 million links. Research has been conducted on prayer and heart patients, IVF patients, burns patient, AIDS patients and the list goes on.

The type of prayer specific please heal Ms Jones of her lumbago compared to more general If it is for her highest good, please heal Ms Jones, has also been the subject of research. It appears from the research that non-specific prayer is more effective than specific prayer and people are advised to leave the outcomes in the hands of the higher being or God (depending on your personal beliefs).

This provides us with some interesting lessons. The best outcomes come from setting clear goals, but leaving space for a higher being or God to intervene.

So, how can you set your RAS to best support your goals? Start with the basics work out specifically what goals you are looking for. Visualise yourself achieving those goals 100%, Experience the emotions around successfully achieving those goals Hear the sounds of success Add in the thought/feeling this or better, if for my highest good as this provides space

for God or a higher power to intercede.

Next write your goals into present tense, write them as if you have already achieved them and say them repeatedly throughout the month as an affirmation. This will help maintain your RAS program.

Finally, detach from the outcome. Know that whatever happens in your life is perfectly correct. You can learn from the outcome no matter what it is. It is at this point you need to let go and trust.

Secret 11: Affirmations are not as simple as they seem

One way to bring about the dreams that you have in your life is to set and repeat affirmations. Some people think of affirmations as new age clap trap. The reality is that they have a lot in common with computers.

Computer programs these days can be set them to look at emails that come in and decide whether or not they are spam. With many of them you can train them to automatically delete spam and can teach them what you do and dont want to let through. Affirmations are similar. You are programming your mind only to let positive thoughts through and to ignore or delete the negative ones.

An affirmation is a positive statement of fact or belief written in present tense form as though the goal were already accomplished. So how do you go about working out your affirmations? Work out clearly what outcome you want. Work out your goals Write your most important goal into an affirmation. Edit it . Make sure it is:

Positive Dont write I dont want to smoke. Change it to I enjoy being a non-smoker).

Present tense Dont write I will be healthy. Change it to I am healthy.



As if you have already achieved it. Dont write I can , write I am , or I have

Not a comparison we do not need to the better than , we are unique and special, so we need to affirm who we are

Using action words start your statement with action words like I quickly , I enjoy , I easily . This creates a picture of accomplishment that is easier to move towards.

Emotionalwords that give you an emotional charge are really powerful. Try I happily , I lovingly

Achievable and realistic perfection is not an option here Visualise yourself achieving this affirmation. Make the picture vivid, colourful, and bright

and ensure you feel the feelings associated with achieving your affirmation. If you add emotion to your affirmation then you are more likely to succeed at it.

Repeat it! Repeat your affirmation over and over. Some people suggest you need 1000 repetitions to change your belief. One way to do this is to buy 2 boxes of toothpicks (they have 500 in them). Put them in a pile. As you move one toothpick from the pile to another one, repeat your affirmation. You can find other ways to remind yourself to repeat them perhaps at every set of traffic lights you come to, every time you go to the toilet or whatever. Just do them regularly and you will see the results.

If you find it hard to keep affirmations up, consider if you are blocking your success by a belief. Maybe you need to start with an affirmation that I love to regularly do affirmations. Affirmations work for me!

Secret 12: It only takes a moment

One of the questions that I get asked a lot is how long will it take (for me to be happy, to be to be at peace, for me to change my behaviour, for me to reach my goal.) My answer is instantaneously. I usually get a few puzzled looks at this answer. So what do I mean? It doesnt matter how much lead up time, reading or study you have done, it is only in one little instant that the light bulb goes on and you suddenly know the answer to what you are seeking.

I see it all the time with my clients. They could have been grappling with an issue for days or even months and then all of a sudden they get it, they understand the cause of their behaviour, the reason for their unhappiness and the way out. I see them go inwards for a split second, a look of puzzlement crosses their face closely followed by a look of wonder. They now know what they didnt know before. Often they see a choice that they didnt see before a choice to be happy, a choice to let go of a limiting belief or a choice to take an action. In a split second their understanding of themselves has changed and their behaviour changes to match.

But how can that be? It isnt as if I have given them the answer, so how do they know? Some people would suggest that all the pre-discussion and reflection was preparing new neurone pathways in the brain and the moment of knowing was the completion of the circuit. Others would suggest that their higher self or guide or higher being told them in that moment. Whatever the reason, they now know.

Once you know something you cannot unknow it. Your brain is like a rubber band it expands the more it is stretched and it never returns to exactly the same size as before. So how can you increase your aha moments? From my experience the aha moments come best during periods of relaxation and calm. A few years ago the Magic Eye drawings were all the rage. Can you remember those pictures made up of little dots and blurred lines? When you could relax your eyes and see past the dots and lines, you suddenly saw a 3-D



image appear. If you forced your eyes to try to find it, you could never see it. If you told yourself I can never see these things you never could. This is a perfect metaphor for learning you learn best when you know that you can learn and you are relaxed enough to let yourself know.

Here are some strategies to help you to get past your aha blocks by finding a way past the logical gatekeeper in your brain. Sleeping on a problem is a tried and true method of finding solutions (so you now have permission to take that power nap!).

You could also do something creative such as painting or drawing to take away the pressure to find the solution. People are returning to knitting and craft work such as scrap booking in droves it gives them something to do with their hands and the active part of their brain while the answers to their concerns can bubble up to the surface.

Meditation is also a great solution calming the monkey mind to allow space between the thoughts to emerge. Many religious people used to pray while they walked a form of walking meditation to clear the mind. I have heard runners also get into this space. It is in this space that answers are found.

So why do the aha moments also come when you are talking with someone else? I could suggest that it is my wonderfully calming personality, but the reality is that often the other person can help you to look at a situation in a totally different way. It is like looking at the drawing which can be interpreted as an ugly old women or a beautiful girl with a fur coat, depending on which way you look at it.

Sometimes you need others to help point out what other ways there could be to look at a situation. Think about the movie The Sixth Sense the last few scenes make you rethink everything that you saw through the entire movie. Sometimes a good friend or coach can help you get into that sort of space.

I am not suggesting that knowing is the same as doing. Just because you know something, doesnt mean that you will be able to do something 100% of the time. But in my mind, it is the first and most important step!

Secret 13: Perfectionism hurts!

Many people struggle with trying to be perfect. You learnt early that to gain love and respect from others that you needed to always be doing better than your best. The trouble is that you no longer question whether this is true for you now. You have internalized all the critical voices and being a perfectionist, you have made them even more critical and more harsh.

Try this exercise. Find a BIG telephone directory the yellow pages are ideal. Now hold it up with both hands in front of your face. I want you to grasp it very tightly with your fingers, as if it is possible that it might blow away in the wind.

Once you are in positiondont move, dont let it slip or move 1 mm. It has to stay perfectly still and in place.

Imagine there are people standing around you, all criticizing you, telling you when you move, and telling you how stupid you are.

Try and carry on a normal conversation with someone, still not moving the yellow pages.

How are your arms feeling? How comfortable are you talking to the other person? What are you feeling as you hear the words of criticism?



This is what being perfect is like day in day out. You try hard to keep up your mask of perfection, while a chorus in your head tells you how bad you are. The trouble is that the chorus is of your own making. You now conduct them as well as sing all the roles. Can you feel how much energy is being taken up by keeping the mask in place?

Now, put the phone book down. Relax and loosen your muscles. Tell yourself that it is OK not to have to hold up the mask. Imagine the chorus all telling you how great you are just the way you are. Try and carry on a conversation now.

Can you feel the difference in your body? Can you hear the difference in your voiceit isnt as strained.

Being perfect hurts. When you are rigid and tight, holding the mask in place, you cant reach out and enjoy life as much as you are capable of doing. You cant embrace life and love because a part of you is scared to let anything slip.

Tips for not being perfect, but being human Make a deliberate and conscious choice that you do not have to be perfect. This is the

first step to embracing a fuller life. Check what sayings you believe in. For examplea job worth doing is worth doing well.

I disagree. A job worth doing is just that, worth doing. It doesnt have to be done well, just done sometimes well, sometimes really poorly and that is OK.

Draw yourself a yin/yang symbol. As you look at it notice the dots. In light there is always a spot of darkness. In darkness a spot of light. So too with youyou are not perfect, you have bits of both in you. That is what makes you human, unique and wonderful. Embrace your dots.

Listen to your language. If you catch yourself saying things such as I have to do or I must do this better or I should have done better. Then have a little smile to yourselfyou have just caught yourself being perfect. Now replace the sentence with I choose to do (if you really do choose to do it), or I did the best that I was able at the time, or so this time didnt go exactly as I planned. That is great. I can always try a different way next time.

Use your perfectionism to your advantage. Set yourself a task to be perfectly imperfect.

Secret 14: You dont have to be limited by fear

The greatest limiter in your life is your fear. By learning to live with and go through your fear barrier, you will be opening yourself to a life of joy, freedom and wider possibilities than you imagined. I am not going to talk about clinical fears, anxieties or phobias, just the everyday house and garden variety that all people carry. So, how do we start this journey?

What is fear?

Fear is Future Events Appearing Real. This means we create an image in our mind of a possible event and its consequences. We create it so strongly in our mind, we trigger a physical response to the thought. This response is often butterflies in our stomach, dry mouth, sinking feeling or shaking. All are responses to the adrenaline and sugars secreted by our system to deal with the potential threat.

The problem comes as the event has not yet occurred and may not ever occur. It is like going to a bank and sayingI am thinking of borrowing some money in the future. Tell you what, let me pay you $5000 in interest just in case I do decide to take out that loan. It is a wasted emotion and wasted energy.



When we are afraid, we trigger this feeling over and over, pushing our body to deal with a threat that may never occur. We exhaust ourselves and our adrenal system trying to cope with the flood of emotions. But what triggers this fear in the first place?

Fear has three levels

The surface level is the one most people associate with fearit is where we are afraid of things that happen to us like dying (for example just before we jump out of a perfectly good plane with some silk on our back), illness, retirement, getting old, change. We are also afraid of things that we need to do, like speaking in public, making a mistake, making a decision, changing jobs, making friends and asserting yourself.

The second level of fear is a deeper layer and relates to inner feelings such as fear of rejection, failure, being vulnerable, helplessness or disapproval. These are quite deep and are usually painful. We spend a lot of time avoiding naming these fears.

The deepest level of fear is a beliefI cant handle it!. This is the deepest fearthat if we are presented with a situation, we will melt down, go into a flood of tears and just not handle things. For some it can feel like their very existence is threatened if they get to this level of emotion.

So how does this play out in a work setting. I have coached many executives over the years on how to give feedback to staff. Often I see them work their way through the fear levels as we uncover the excuses why they havent said anything before. They start with We are really busy at the moment, so I just need a checklist of things to say so I can do this really quickly. With a bit of prodding as to why, even with the checklist they havent done anything Look I am basically a nice guy, I hate telling anyone they are not up to par. I am not very good at it. With a bit more prodding - What if I tell them and they break down in tears I just cant handle tears.

I have seen people leave jobs they love rather than confront people about bad behaviouroften this happens in bullying or sexual harassment cases. They are more afraid of speaking their mind than losing a job.

I have seen many people remain married or stay in a long term relationship as they are afraid to clearly discuss their deep dissatisfaction with the relationship. They are too afraid of what will happen if they do say something, decide to leave and cant find anyone else to love. They are worried that they couldnt cope alone.

Fear and Comfort Zones

Fear is often triggered when we reach the edge of our comfort zone. A comfort zone is our personal area of thought or action that we are comfortable doing over and over. When we start to get towards the edge of our zone, we trigger our level 2 fears. We feel bad inside, so we withdraw, give up, get angry or find a way to sabotage ourselves so we do not have to face the fear. We each have a unique way of stopping ourselves. The trick is to work out what your stop light is so you can choose another way of responding.

If you catch yourself reaching your fear boundarysay thanks, now I know how close I am getting to solving this fear, and then keep on going.

Unless we are constantly expanding our comfort zones, they contract much like shrink wrap. Our lives become narrow, tight and without air and juice.

5 Tips to face your fears 1. I am excited. Remember the common feelings in our body from fear? These are the

identical feelings we get when we are excited. Sometimes we get them mixed upfor example, screaming with excitement while thundering down a massive rollercoaster. If



we can do it sometimeswouldnt it be great if we did it more often? Re-label fear as excitement and use the energy for positive action.

2. Link them to your values. Work out why facing your fear would benefit your highest valueswrite 100 reasons why doing it would benefit the most important things in your life and 100 reasons why not doing it would create hardship for the most important things. You need to know why taking action will help your lifeyou need to create new pathways of thinking in your brain, which is why you need a minimum of 200 reasons.

3. Phone a friend - sometimes you need a supportive friend to help you through. Superman underwear is out of fashionso if you need support ask for it.

4. Work up to ityou dont need to jump in and face your deepest fear all at once. Start with something small representing the fear and gradually increase the gradient of fear. For examplestart with a drawing of a mouse and work up slowly until you can look at one in a cage.

5. Just do it! Fear does not go away by just thinking about ityou have to do something about it. The only way to face a fear is by facing it and learning that you can handle it! Spontaneous combustion of humans is very rare, and total psychological meltdown or catatonia is also rare, so there are a lot of people out there that have faced their deepest fear and survived.

Embrace your fears and embrace your failuresthrough them you discover what within you needs healing and where you are carrying beliefs that no longer serve you.

When you work through your fears, you will discover your dreams become not just dreams but realities.

Secret 15: Getting Unstuck

A lot of people come to coaching because they are feeling stuck. They find their life routine, dull, boring and with no excitement they feel totally stuck in a rut, with their wheels spinning. A car stuck in mud is another way to look at it. When a car is stuck, revving the motor is not going to help (much like doing the same things in life only harder or faster). Getting angry or yelling at the car doesnt help either (much like having people tell you to snap out of it).

The only way to get the car un-bogged is to apply some physical force push it! This is the same for when people are stuck . The best way for you to get unstuck is to apply some force or energy. This doesnt mean be physically pushed, but be emotionally pushed towards something. One way to do this is to re-look at the goals in your life, break them down into little tiny baby actions and then get started on them within 24 hours. Keep repeating these small actions until momentum is reached.

When you are moving again, you can then work out in what direction you really want to steer your life. Trying to turn a car that isnt moving is pretty heavy going, but turning a car in motion is easy. So what does that mean for you? Once you have started moving towards some goals, you have the chance to re-look at your life and change your goals if necessary.

But how do you know what to aim for? If you let your logical mind run the show, then often you just get more of the same. Your core purpose and calling is something that needs to be discovered, often through non-linear processes that slide in beneath the radar of logic. Look for coincidences, books that you just happen to pick up, articles that suddenly say read me, journal your thoughts and explore your past. When you finally have your aha moment, when you suddenly know who you are and what you really want in life, then you will re-look at your goals and finally know what you really want to aim for.



So, if you are feeling stuck get moving. Aim for something and then allow yourself to discover your purpose or calling. Watch and enjoy the magic that happens when you follow your path and allow your dreams to become reality.

Secret 16: Procrastination can be beaten

Are you one of the many millions of people in the world who put off for tomorrow what could be done today? Do you find ever more creative ways to avoid doing what you want to do or need to do in life? Have you perfected the art of mindless avoidance?

Congratulations! You are a Master of Procrastination. You have learnt some terrific skills in creativity, problem solving and self care. At some level, your procrastination is looking after you. If you are happy with keeping your skills at their present level, then I suggest you stop reading this section. If you want to build your skills to a new high, and possibly channel them to serve you better, then keep on reading.

Many articles on beating procrastination assume that you need better time management. At the risk of being branded a heretic, that is not your problem. The most creative procrastinators know precisely what needs to be done, they just find ways not to do it.

Why do people procrastinate? Too hard humans naturally like the easy option. If something seems hard, we often

prefer to go with things that are easy to do. Takes too much timethe job you need to do will take 2 hours. You know you only

have small chunks of time easily available in your schedule (or you make sure your schedule has no blocks of time available to do the work). This means that you have to put off doing the job.

Priorities unclear if you dont know what your goals and priorities are in life, then it makes it easy to fill time in with busyness rather than productivity.

Priorities unwantedthis links to the previous point. If the priorities you are working to are not your own or you cant buy into them, it is very hard to get motivated to start something.

Boredomyou know what to do, you have done it a thousand times before. What is different this time?

Perfectionismif you are going to do something, your belief (or the belief of your boss) is that it has to be 100% perfect all the time every time. Setting such a high benchmark guarantees failure and sets up dissatisfaction and frustration. It also can overwhelm the perfectionistbecause why bother starting somethingit is going to take heaps of energy to keep correcting things when they go wrong.

Anger at someone elsesometimes your procrastination is more about you being angry at someone else than about the task. You may believe that you are not being recognized sufficiently for what you are doing or you are not feeling supported, so you in effect go on strike without knowing you are doing it.

Self sabotagehave you ever been at the brink of success only to find yourself struck by a huge bout of procrastinationitis? You could be sabotaging your success without knowing why.

Poor self esteemyou talk yourself into failure with language such as I never do things right, I am so stupid, whats the point.

Difficulty concentratingLife happens. You fall in love, you break up, people die, and you have money worries. All rob your mind of focus. If you cant concentrate, it can appear easier to put things off rather than deal with them at the time.



Afraid of what others may think/dothis is a common reason people avoid having difficult conversationsyou may be worried that the person may become angry or cry and you wont be able to handle it.

Afraid of what you may need to dopart of you knows that if you openly and honestly look into yourself or the decision needing to be made, then the outcome may be quite life changing. This happens a lot with people who are dissatisfied in their chosen career or relationshipit is easier to avoid, than face the reality of maybe it is time to move on.

Stresswhen under stress, some personality types procrastinate more than others as a defense mechanism.

Surrounded by clutteryour physical environment often reflects your mind. If you are stuck in a mound of clutter at work, the car or at home, then chances are your mind is cluttered and stuck also.

Habityou learnt that this was the way to handle difficult situations somewhere in the past, so you automatically go into that behaviour at the slightest whiff of trouble.

What do you do about it?

There is a simple six step process to channel the skills you have used in procrastinating towards something more positive

1. Realise that you are doing it and it is unnecessary. Know that you have the resources and skill within you to tackle anything life throws at you.

2. Discover the real reasons for your procrastination. To do this ask yourself: How is this behaviour looking after me? What dont I have to be or do as a result of this behaviour? What attention do I get for not doing the task?

3. Work out if the belief or feeling about the task is real or imagined. Check your history to find times of successfully doing the thing you are avoiding (dont look for a long list of failureswe are only looking for successes here!).

4. Argue against the delay. Once you know what you are doing and why, argue convincingly against the delay. If the arguments outweigh the reasons, then you will do it.

5. Do it! Recognition wont do the taskonly you can do it. Use all the skills you have learnt in creative problem solving to avoid the task, to help you to actually do it.

6. Do it again. You are not perfect. Accept setbacks and backsliding as normal and try again.

Secret 17: Self Sabotage

Does this sound like you? You have found your dream, something that you really want to achieve. Maybe you have even converted your dream into a goal, and worked out the first actions that you need to take to get you there. Then something happens

If you decide to get fit it is raining in the morning or you accidentally cut yourself the night before so you dont start. If you decide to spend a day studying so you can get great marks at uni you suddenly find that you have so much housework to do and no-one is helping you, so you angrily decide that you cant possibly study today until you get it all done. You have finally decided to confront the person who has been rude to you for weeks, but then you think maybe I need to read one more book about dealing with difficult personalities before I have that conversation. Perhaps you literally make yourself sick a migraine comes on or a bad cold.



How many times do we let the something stop us from moving towards our dream? Guess what the something is really our own fear and most times we draw the situation to ourselves that stops us.

We all live in comfortable bubbles of experience we call our comfort zone. We know what to expect from ourselves and our lives within this bubble. It may not be terrific, but at least we know what to expect.

When we decide to try and push out the walls of our bubble into new territory, we trip the fear wire. This brings up all the fears about ourselves maybe we are not good enough, we dont really deserve success, people may laugh at us, if we do succeed maybe people wont like us or if we are too successful then maybe we will need to make the choice about our relationships that we have been avoiding.

When we trip the fear wire and have all the adrenalin surging through our bodies, our mind goes into survival mode it wants us to return to what is safe and comfortable. So what happens? That deep part of your mind causes you to self sabotage. Think about it every time you fail, you are looking after a part of you.

So if you find yourself repeatedly failing or self sabotaging ask yourself: How is this failure protecting me/looking after me? What decision am I avoiding as a result of this failure? When do I self sabotage most? Why dont I want to succeed?

If you cant find the answers to these questions talk with a trusted friend. Sometimes they can see part of your behaviour that you cant.

Once you are aware of what you do to yourself, your challenge becomes to stop the sabotage - to choose a different way of behaving and being. As you do this, the walls of your bubble will expand and you will live a freer and fuller life.

Secret 18: You have Choices

Have you ever made a dodgy choice in your life? Have you agonized for days trying to make up your mind on what to do, only to have events overtake your decision? Do you always choose the safe, tried and true option? Your life today is the result of the choices you have made in the past. Your future is the result of the choices you make today. If you want a different future then make different choices in your life.

7 tips for powerful choices 1. Claritybe really clear about what choice you are trying to make. This sounds simpler

than it really is. What are the boundaries of the choice you are making, are there any limits other than your own beliefs?

2. What outcome do you want? What is your ideal outcome, what about a non-ideal outcome that you can live with? What outcome will you absolutely not accept? Setting your boundaries and what you intend to happen, will make the difference in your future life.

3. What outcomes have you had in the past? If you dont like what has happened in the past, try something different this time.



4. It is OK to say no to an option. You dont have to accept everything offered to you if you really want something else. Sometimes you have to say no to good, to accept something exceptional.

5. Make a choice. In life there are no wrong decisionsyou will learn from everything you do. So, make a choice. You can always make another choice later if you need to.

6. Tell people why you have made your choice if appropriate. Many times we make a choice and because we have thought it through, expect others to understand why we have made that choice. Unless you are at a convention of psychics, this is not reality. Explain your thinking to people affected by your choice and you will have a more harmonious life.

7. Reflectthink about what outcome you wanted and if your choice gave you that outcome. If not, why not. What can you do differently next time?

Secret 19: Dont be too busy to think

Are you so busy that you cant stop to scratch yourself, let alone think? When you do stop for a moment, does your mind run a list of all the things you could or should be doing, rather than resting? Are you running on adrenaline all the time? Is your life full of doing and not being?

One thing I regularly see is how some people can keep perpetually busy too busy to stop and think. They always have drama in their life, telling me how they are overcoming yet another challenge or how they were too busy this week to take the actions that they wanted to, to change their life. They never stop - they are always on the go. I am not talking about normally extroverted people, who gain their energy from being with other people, but people who run their life to the point of exhaustion. I am also not talking about people who have difficulty saying no to others, although this is often a related issue.

Someone once said that keeping a complicated life is a sure fire way of avoiding changing it. It is almost as if by constantly being on the move, they can keep a few steps ahead of their problems and fears. The problem is that the fears, inner traumas and problems dont go away they are like your shadow, hounding your heels. When you finally do stop, they are still there waiting for you to look at them. As an ex-champion runner away from problems, I can attest that they will catch you in the end.

I have seen many people go on leadership and other personal or business development programs and have the same result. Many such courses get a reputation as being marriage breakers, when often it is the act of thinking and not the content that causes the person to realize how unhappy they have been for some time. The content is almost irrelevant to the outcomes.

Holidays can have the same effect, which is why people often fight and say what has been bubbling under the surface for some time during holidays.

Many people with chronic illnesses say that getting sick was a blessing, as it forced them to stop and re-evaluate their life and what is important. Wouldnt it have been great to have dealt with this before the illness?

The lesson is to stop and think at a time that is at your choosing. Deal with the issues hounding you before they deal with you.

Secret 20: The Meaning of Christmas



Why do I love Christmas so much? Imagine a house filled with the biggest Christmas tree that can fit under the ceiling, packed with baubles, tinsel and ornaments. Picture a yard full of glittering lights, blow up Santas and trees, a beautiful nativity and stable.

Perhaps it is in the eyes of the neighbourhood small children who every night are walked by their parents to our house to say goodnight to Santa and Rudolph before being tucked into bed. Perhaps it is in the whoops of glee from my children when they take delight in showing people around our display proud, excited and happy with what they have co-created.

Perhaps it is in the moments of peace that come in the middle of shopping madness when people stop, look into each others eyes and wish each other a Merry Christmas. For me it is almost as if the world for a few weeks becomes a gentler place. I just love the feeling the season brings.

I also acknowledge the pain it can bring. I was talking with a man who had just separated from his wife and faced this year not being with his children. He was already grieving for the loss. I acknowledge the sorrow of people who have had loved ones who passed away during the holiday season for them tinsel is associated with pain, and some feel burdened by grief on these days. I also understand the ache of over-high expectations that the miracle of Christmas will somehow resolve simmering intra family conflicts that have been boiling all year, the agony of dashed hopes and not being able to provide as one would like for your family.

So what is the meaning of Christmas for me? For me it is hope for a brighter future, for a belief that something wonderful is possible even amidst the pain of the present, the owning for one moment that magic is possible and real. It is about acknowledging life in all its warts and all its glory. It is about recapturing our inner child allowing wonder to surface once again in our lives. No matter the year that has passed, our future is still a blank page, yet to be written on. Life may not work out the way we would like it to, but at times like Christmas, we can remember that everything has a purpose, even the little annoyances. Our challenge is to embrace it, flow with it, dance with it and enjoy life to its fullest.

So this year put out some carrots and magic reindeer food on your front lawn. Ring your jingle bells into the night of Christmas Eve to help speed dreams of reindeer for small children and remember the cookies and milk for Santa. Sing really loudly at all the Christmas Carols you can find and allow the little part of you space to play.

Effectiveness in Love

Secret 21: Who we love shows us who we are

I have met many people looking for love and despairing of finding their perfect love. For me, love relationships are one way of learning of what we still have to heal and embrace inside ourselves. Soul mate relationships are not necessarily where we live happily ever after our soul mate is one who helps us learn and grow.

The people we attract into our life reflect what we expect, not necessarily what we want. They also reflect parts of ourselves that we may not believe we have inside of us, so we search for someone to make us whole.

Our partners reflect both the good parts of ourselves that we have not fully grown into (such as when we are attracted to someone for all their good qualities) as well as our darker qualities (such as when we are attracted to bad boys or girls.) However, unless we have these parts inside us, we cannot see it in someone else

Our dark side contains good qualities taken to the extreme sort of like a great song turned up to maximum on your stereo, the speakers start to shake and the song gets distorted.



When we learn to get the volume right we hear the melody, rather than the distortion. But even the darker qualities have gifts inside them if we look hard enough, so there will be times when expressing this darker part will look after us.

For example I worked with one client who gave consent for the details of her story and her lessons to be talked about. She is an incredibly beautiful, talented and intelligent young lady. So her current relationship? It is with a failed rock singer who does not believe in commitment or monogamy. She originally didnt like him when she met him, but she discovered parts in him that she thought showed glimmers of what he could be and as he pursued her, she decided to go along with the relationship. He is 30 and still lives with his mum, who has no concept of privacy she enters his room without knocking. His passion is spending obscene amounts of money that he borrows from people, on big engines for drag cars, drinking and going out with his mates. However, he lost his drivers license some time ago yet still drives. This client just lent him $500 that she could not really afford for his latest engine and is now worried that she will never see the money again.

So what were her lessons? She had some definite issues around self worth and personal value to work through. She needed to look at what she expected she deserved in relationships. She needed to explore her need to rescue how this is looking after her and what need this is meeting inside her. She needed to own and understand that her intuition is helping her if she listens to it.

The main things that this situation showed her is that she needed to look into her shadow side where she had all of these qualities inside herself. She works hard on showing people on the happy, supportive and loving side of her personality and hiding the not so nice parts. This relationship is showing her that she needs to embrace the shadow side of her personality.

She has taken home some work to look at his qualities and find out where she has done something similar in the past. For example, where has she failed in pursuing her dream, where has she not committed to one person or course of action, where does she rely on others to support needs she is quite capable of meeting, where does she not respect the privacy of others, where does she waste money on things that make her feel good rather than on what she needs, where does she does not follow the rules and where has she borrowed without thought of returning.

She has also been given the task of finding the gifts in this darkness how these parts of her look after her at times. If she can truly look into and embrace this part of her personality and then find the gifts in it then she will be able to attract more healthy relationships.

So how do you find Mr or Ms Right? Each love is Mr or Ms Right as they each perfectly teach you aspects of yourself. Celebrate each love on your path as a guide to how far you have grown. Look to find the lessons in each relationship along the way learn to truly love and accept yourself, then you will draw into your life more loving and accepting partners.

To learn more about embracing your shadow side, read The Dark Side of Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.

Secret 22: Miracles happen

I am sometimes asked if I believe in miracles as well as whether I believe in twin souls in love. My simple answer is yes I do. Let me tell you why. I had a wonderful stepmother Carol.

A year after I first met her she was first diagnosed with breast cancer and was told to get her affairs in order. She had a breast removed and then the first miracle occurred through the healing process she and my father fell in love. She also healed from breast cancer at that time.



Over 32 years Carol regularly faced a number of other bouts of cancer every time there was another new drug or treatment just onto the market and every time she had beaten it until the last time a few years ago.

During each bout I watched her and my father they were so right for each other, so alike in so many ways and so much living what a loving relationship is. They were not all hearts and flowers mind you to others on the outside they could seem to exclude all others.

They had their spats and still had differences of opinion over things like how to drive the car. The difference was that their love for each other and their commitment to their relationship took priority over everything else in their life. One of my happiest days was watching them marry.

Over the years I listened to dad talking about his fears and his love for her not through just through his words, but through his actions in caring for her. I suspect part of Carols struggle to keep life was the thought of leaving dad behind. I watched him nurse her over her final weeks. When even her sons could not deal with the pain, dad still tenderly cared for her every need and met her every want until she finally passed the way she wanted holding hands with dad.

So what have I learnt from all of Carols struggle and pain over the years? I have learnt that the power of love is probably the strongest medicine there is, that the human spirit is an amazing thing and that miracles not only happen, they happen every day in our world. So do I believe in miracles and do I believe in love? Yes, yes a thousand times yes.

Secret 23: Forgiveness is not for wimps!

Some people think that forgiveness is all about the person who hurt us. It isnt forgiveness is for us. Forgiveness is not about letting the person off the hook. We can and should expect that those who have created pain or hurt need to learn from it and make amends if possible. It is not about accepting their behavior, forgetting, pardoning, excusing, denying or justifying.

When we have been hurt or violated, we tend to get angry. We deal with our anger in one of three ways we can deny it, we can express it or we can forgive the hurt.

If we deny our anger and hurt, we just push it inwards. It buries the pain deep in our heart. I see this with people who put on a brave face after a trauma, pretending everything is fine while they slowly self destruct from the inside. Expressing our pain is appropriate after our hurt the trouble is we often express our pain in ways that extend our pain or hurt others in the process. I see this a lot with people after a separation or a divorce. They continue to take out their pain and grief over lost dreams on the other person for years, even when they have remarried or are in a new relationship. If you have separated or divorced move on, particularly if there are kids involved. Think of the role model you are creating for your kids and the pain you are causing them.

I can talk about this from personal experience as I am divorced. After my separation my ex-husband and I made a pact that although we werent together we needed to be the adults in the family and smooth as much as possible for our kids. We worked hard on getting over our anger and our hurt, working to present a united front for our kids. We are now great friends and our kids are whole and balanced as a result.

Forgiveness is giving up our resentment and our need for vengeance. Maclachy McCourt suggests that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is a useless process. Holding onto our resentment means we replay over and over again our suffering. The word Holding resent means feel again. Do we really want to feel again and again the pain of the past?



If you stay in unforgiveness, you stay a victim, allowing the person who hurt you to have control over your feelings and your life. Many people describe their lives using a label of their pain such as I am adopted or I had a tough childhood, or I am an adult survivor of child abuse. Labeling their pain was useful for them in the past much like we want to know exactly what is wrong with us when we are sick. However, this label has the problem of helping us to become stuck and not moving on into the future. If we over identify with our label, we dont get to look beneath to see the person underneath, complete with pain, joy, goodness and not such great bits. We become a caricature of what we could be.

Staying in your pain, lowers your self esteem and emotional stability. It can also make you indifferent to your own needs and wants, causing you to self destruct or self sabotage.

When we are hurt we want the person to repent, to apologise and understand our point of view. We want to know why they did it, but waiting for them to realize and apologize to us, keeps us stuck. You dont need to know why, to forgive. Forgiveness isnt something that a person earns it is something that you give.

At the beginning I mentioned the forgiveness process it is precisely that. Sometimes we need to go through stages to help us forgive. A course in miracles suggests that forgiveness begins with the willingness to see things differently. Sometimes you need to start by just being willing to forgive, if you cant forgive straight away.

The hardest forgiveness at times is for something that we have done forgiving ourselves. We are all harder on ourselves than on other people. We all do things at times that we are not proud of we wouldnt be human if we didnt. We end up feeling guilty, carrying our shame like a dead albatross around our neck. But, if we want to live full and happy lives, we need to take responsibility for the outcomes of our actions, forgive ourselves and move on.

Guilt is not the same as taking responsibility. Guilt is an unhelpful emotion it does nothing unless we act on it. Responsibility means working to understand and change our behavior and making amends with the person that we have hurt.

Often when people start a process of self development they look around and see the pain they have caused others, especially their kids. They get wracked by shame and guilt, paralysed into inaction by their past. We cant move on if we wallow in regrets or if we have contempt for ourselves. If we judge ourselves as being a bad person for what we have done, we erode our self esteem feeling that we are worthless and never to be trusted.

Our worth is totally separate from our actions. We are all wonderful, complex human beings with both light and shadow in our make-up. We are not all good and we are not all bad we are human and humans make mistakes. We did the best we could with the knowledge that we had at the time. With knowledge and learning comes understanding and the ability to make different choices.

When we do something that we are not proud of, we often try to justify our actions, saying that the person deserved it, or that it was an accident. By doing this we try to make ourselves right and the other person wrong. We need to face up to the lies we are telling ourselves and others and face up to the reality of our actions and the consequences.

We need to learn the lesson in our mistake and move on. We can choose to feel guilty or ashamed or we can choose to say What can I learn from this so it doesnt happen again? I know which I prefer the one that moves me forward, not stuck in the past. Instead of writing off the experience as a painful part of our history and trying to forget it, we should try to learn from it and forgive ourselves our mistakes.

So how to we forgive ourselves and others? Forgiveness is a conscious decision that needs to be made.

We need to recognize our hurt and not deny it. If we have been severely violated, we need to talk with trusted friends, counselors or family to help us understand it and to help us move to



a place where we can decide to forgive. We need to let our emotions come up and be dealt with. Sometimes forms of bodywork or energy work such as Kahuna massage, kinesiology, crystal healing, Bowen therapy or reiki can help to bring up and resolve these feelings in a gentle way.

Finally, we need to forgive and then put the episode behind us. It does not define who you are now, only where you were in the past.

The process of forgiving is not for wimps. It is for the strong of heart and purpose. By forgiving you will release your potential to live a fuller, happier and more loving life. Enjoy the journey!

Effectiveness in Spirit

Secret 24: You have an Internal Guidance System

Did you know that every person on the earth has their own internal guidance system inbuilt into their make-up? If you tap into this system, much like tapping into a Global Positioning System within your car, you will never get lost. So what is this system? It is your emotions. Yeah right I hear you say - I want to learn to manage my emotions, control them, not allow them free reign!

But what if just for a moment you looked at what your emotions were telling you. When you feel good and "in the flow" then you know you are on path. The worse you feel, the more off path you are. It is that simple and yet that complex.

The next time you are feeling "bad" - stop for a minute and work out what you are thinking in the moment that lead to this feeling. Were you running yourself down, not respecting your own needs or allowing others not to respect your needs, what part of you needs to heal, were you not speaking your truth in a responsible way or taking responsibility for your actions? What could you do or think to make yourself feel better (and no a 1kg block of chocolate isn't the answer, believe me I have tried that one).

Many people find that when they are feeling bad, their negative mind chatter is in overdrive. Stop and listen to what you are telling yourself and then deliberately and consciously reach for "lighter" thoughts that make you feel better. Rather than "Nothing ever goes right", try replacing it with "Ok this time it may not have gone so well, but look at what I have learnt from it."

Practice doing this with one thought. Deliberately think a negative thought about yourself and monitor your feelings - as your negative self talk increases you will find that you feel heavier and flatter. Next deliberately replace the negatives with more positive thoughts, and you will start to feel lighter and happier. This is not about "thinking happy thoughts" as in Peter Pan, it is about realistically countering the negatives with more positive options. Being in a more positive frame of mind will help you to make better choices in your life and take more balanced actions.

Being permanently happy and smiling is not achievable for most of us. You will always have challenges in your life that will trigger emotions within you. Your choice is how you respond to those challenges. You can choose to spiral down and have a good anger and pity party, or you can pull yourself up, turn around and move back towards choosing more positive thoughts.

That is the difference between the spiritual leaders we see around us and ourselves. They have exactly the same challenges as us on a daily basis, they just choose a different response (after having the odd down day!) Just look at Pope John Paul II - he is reported to have been more concerned about the nuns that have served him for years and their sorrow,



than his own pain in his dying days. Even the Dalai Lama has reported his challenges with dealing with his temper.

So the bottom line is not to aim for a sort of permanently smiling blissed out state, it is to track your emotions and use them to guide you back on path. Rather than block them out, listen to what they have to teach you. It is your ultimate personal roadmap!

Secret 25: Happiness is only a thought away

Happiness is only a thought away. What do I mean by that? One of the key indicators of how happy you feel is how optimistic you are and one of the causes of optimism is how you talk to yourself.

When you make a mistake - do you beat up on yourself? Do you call yourself names like "stupid", "failure" or "idiot". Do you "should" all over yourself, "I should be doing this" or "I shouldn't be doing that". When we were born, we did not have these negative critics in our head. As we grew, we adopted them into ourselves from our parents, teachers and other kids.

Most of us learnt the art of criticism really well - after all we didn't want to get above ourselves did we? In fact many of us learnt the lessons so well, that we outdid the originators of the criticism. Whatever they said, we thought it twice as strong and twice as fast. Sort of like if mum was going to send us to our room for 5 minutes time out for something we had done, however we had already sent ourselves to our rooms and decided to lock ourselves in for a whole year, not eat for a week and remove the TV for good.

So what can you do about it? Martin Seligman in his groundbreaking book "Learned Optimism" gives some simple tools to turn around your thoughts.

Listen to your self-talk. When do you do it most? What do you say to yourself? Would you speak to your small children the same way that you talk to yourself? Are your "shoulds" realistic measures of you or are they setting unrealistic benchmarks for your behaviour?

Think about some times when your behaviour contradicted the self talk (e.g.: if you think you are a bad mum, then find some examples of when you were a good mum).

Find some different explanations for the situation or event. This is not about justification, it is about finding different possibilities. (e.g.: It could be that the person that yelled at you for something you did was having a bad day and their anger really had nothing to do with you)

Distract yourself from going over and over the bad thoughts. Tie your worries onto a worry tree or a into a worry basket and come back to them later if you really have to. Find other "lighter" thoughts to think about. Listen to music, do some exercise - anything to interrupt the flow of negative thoughts.

Question your underlying beliefs (e.g.: I must be liked by everyone I meet, I must be completely competent and make no mistakes ever if I am worthwhile, it is easier to put off something unpleasant than deal with it). Underlying beliefs can be hard to shift, but they are not impossible.

So if you really want to be happy in your life, listen to your self talk and take some action. In the words of Groucho Marx:



Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: 'I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it

shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to

be happy in it."

Julius "Groucho" Marx, 1890-1977



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25 Business Life Secrets