1/7/2014Copyright by Edwin L. Young, PhD, 7/19971 LESSON 6 The Teenagers Language Matches the Language of the People in the Family and the Immediate Community

04/10/23 Copyright by Edwin L. Young, PhD, 7/1997 1

LESSON 6

The Teenager’s Language Matches the Language of the People in the Family and

the Immediate Community

Presented by

THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE

UNDER CONSTRUCTION


Table of Contents of Lesson 6


The Teens’ Language Matches the Language of Those With Whom They Interact

• The language of the child and teen is shaped initially and primarily by the language culture of its family and neighborhood. Both vocabulary and style of conversing are shaped. It particularly develops through the interactions with immediate family and household members.

• As the child moves out into its immediate neighborhood and eventually the wider community, those communities begin to lend their influence to shaping the child’s language.

• Eventually the school and the teen’s peer group from school play an increasingly prominent role in shaping the teen’s language patterns.

• As a result of differences in these successive influences, conflicts arise between the teen and the divergent language patterns of successive levels of influence. The the teen attempts to adapt to these divergent patterns. This results in distinctive, setting specific, language content and style. Some teens do not accommodate to some divergent patterns and suffer varying degrees of rejection wherever they do not accommodate.

• Later in life, as young adults, when moving into the adult world of work, that new world also begins to shape language patterns in directions that may conflict with the earlier patterns that had been congruent with family, peer groups, and neighborhoods. The young adults who make the transition to this new world may suffer varying degrees of rejection by former groups and family.

• Upon entering into a long term intimate relationship, partners either shape each other’s language patterns toward convergence or the relationship suffers.

• The strength or rigidity of one’s language pattern may limit intimate, work, or other social relationship possibilities.

• Family, peers, school, work, and intimate relations all involve settings and roles that require the accommodation and adaptation that induce differentiation of the youth’s or person’s language.

• Successfully adopted language patterns may also serve to steer entry into new adult informal or formal social roles.

• Consequently, coaching teens with respect to their developing language patterns is critical for their eventual adjustment to and success in life.


• TEEN’S LANGUAGE AND MATURITY COACHES RESPONSE TO IT• In institution and outside institution; at home with parents; in public with parents; with

extended family; with best same gender friend; with best opposite gender friend; with clique; at social occasions; in school with peers; in school with teachers;

• Questioning parents knowledge, basis for prohibitions. Questioning reason for requirements, chores. Countering parents assumptions. Comparing to ‘everybody’ and invalidating parents denial of permission.

• Attacking word use• Asking why; questioning of what use is that to me; how will I ever use that; why

should I have to learn that; I’ll never use that so why should I have to study it; who cares; look at them, they don’t so why should I or they do so why shouldn’t I;

• You know what I am going to be [do] after I graduate? I wish I could; someday I’m gonna be; I’ll show them; I will never give them the satisfaction; they don’t have the faintest idea who I am what I am like, want; they don’t care what I want; its always got to there way.

• I just wish I could get away;• I’m always the one that catches the blame; accused; they jump on; she-he [sibling]

gets away with anything.• They want me to be; they expect me to be; they say I have to: grades or activities or

sports. They say I have to go to. Why don’t they leave me alone? I wish they would stop worrying about me. My parents [dad, mom] drive me crazy; are so unfair; don’t understand.


• Who do they think they are; don’t listen to them;• I don’t care what they think; say; how they feel; whether they know or not; who gives

a damn.• They get away with it; no one ever makes them; they are only concerned with or care

about; • You don’t trust me; don’t you trust me; why should I believe you, trust you, do what

you say; you don’t have the right to tell me;• They don’t so why should I; they do so why shouldn’t I; you don’t so why should I; so

what; whatever!; why should I have to; • What they don’t know won’t hurt them; who’s gonna know; and don’t you dare tell. I

won’t say anything; I won’t tell;• Who do they think they are; look who is talking; what will everyone think; if you . . . .

then I’ll be ruined; • You always; you never; • Attacking knowledge of stars, heroes, songs, movies, games, sports• Questioning courage encouraging daring • Counter-criticism with parents• Language interaction with types of therapists and therapies.


• Attacking cloths’ brands and cloths that are not ‘in’.• Checking on similarities of preferences in music heroes, etc.• Checking out opinions of same and opposite sex peers. Checking who likes whom,

seeking validation of whom one likes and whether it is returned, reciprocated• Way opposite gender is referred to: chicks, babes, dolls-----------------------• Slang and curse word use• That’s cool; big deal; who says; you better watch out, watch what you say; no sweat; I

can dig it; and you know;• Sharing incidents at school and on dates.• Checking opinions of teachers, coaches, and leaders.• Ego comparisons and contests, status adjustments to avoid ridicule or being shot

down. Engaging in ego repair. Tearing down to build up self. • Teasing and putting each other down. • Setting each other up. • Ridiculing goofs. • Vying for leadership or just to be noticed. Attacking identities. Evaluating skills and

abilities.


• Demonstrating knowledge, skill, independence. Let me help – no I can do it myself.

• Checking out knowledge of proper or cool behavior. Evaluating each other’s behavior in situations.

• Checking in-group status and who in which group and who is in with whom.

• Expressions of extreme emotions, high and low.• Anger, resentment, guilt, shame, embarrassment,

humiliation, blame, projecting blame or shifting blame, arguing with word games,

• Secrets, complaining of injustice, accusing, • Longing, • Response to commands and prohibitions; response to advice from

parents and authorities or staff; • Bragging about sex and about who is interested in oneself.

Suggestive, seductive comments and innuendoes.


Language and Personality Combine and Become Patterns through Scenarios with Parents and Children Later Seek, Like Two Matching Pieces of a Puzzle, Matching Scenarios in Relationships

You have to be XYZ because I want you to be XYZ.

I want to be what you want me to be.

You just say the word and that’s what I’ll be.

I’m just here to please you.

So, what do you feel you would really be happy with? It is up to you.

Well, I feel like I would really like Z. So, that’s what its going to be!

By the way, what’s your ticket for the day?

You were acting like you liked and felt X! Why would you do that? Don’t you have any regard for what I feel or what I want?

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to seem like I felt or liked that. Really. It was quite different. I really feel and want the same thing you do.

Please don’t be hurt, OK! Now I feel awful. I’ll make it up to you.

The language we use with each other matches and molds each other’s personalities. The two, language and personality, are inseparably bound and expressed in scenarios we play out with each other. In the beginning, the language parents use with children calls for, shapes, a matching, corresponding, response that becomes a pattern, a habit perpetuated and extended to other relationships. Language patterns between people that don’t fit, like the puzzles pieces on the left, eventually result in separation. We are drawn to people whose language patterns fit our patterns. People stay in relationships that destroy them because they do not know how to talk differently, therefore think differently, therefore see, feel, and be different. People want to be different without knowing that it requires learning, really learning in practice, to talk differently. Breaking away from the language match, the Complementarity of language patterns, is extremely difficult and requires “CONSCIOUS” effort.

Three matches of puzzle pieces:1.

2.

3.

PARENTS

CHILDREN


Examples of How Complementary Family Role Patterns Transfer Equipotential Roles to Peer Interactions

The Parent Is

The Child Becomes

The Child BecomesThe Parent Is

Child Is Peer Is

Peer IsChild IsNeedy, Seducer

Naïve, Helpless, Dependent


Needy, Seducer

Needy, Seducer



Needy, Seducer

Natural, Relaxed, Open, Befriender

Idealistic Overachiever, Ambitious, Striver, One-up Artist







Exploiter, Con-artist, Set-up-artist

Submissive, Compliant, Victim





The Parent Is

The Child Becomes

The Parent Is

The Child Becomes

Peer IsChild Is

Peer IsChild Is

Child Is

Child Is

Peer Is

Peer Is





One Piece of the Puzzle, The Child, Seeks It’s Matching Piece, The Peer




Individual Personality-Language Variations and Matching Patterns:Who Tries to or Is Forced to Form a Communication Dyad with Whom?

1.Naive, Helpless, Dependent2.Natural, Relaxed, Open, Befriender3.Pollyanna, Optimistic, Expecting Help, gifts, and

love4.Needy, Seducer5. Idealistic Over Achiever, Ambitious, Striver, One-

up Artist6.Planner, Organizer, Mediator7.Anxious, Shy, Withdrawn, Under-Achiever, Self-

Effacer8.Angry, Impulsive, Hyper-sensitive9.Aggressive, Oppositional, Defiant, Bully10.Dominant, Manipulative, Demanding11.Depressed, Pessimist, Unmotivated,

Withdrawer12.Submissive, Compliant, Victim13.Clown, Put-down Artist, Pest14.Helper, Nurturer, Comforter, Confidant15.Exploiter, Con-artist, Set-up-artist

1.Naive, Helpless, Dependent2. Natural, Relaxed, Open, Befriender3.Pollyanna, Optimistic, Expecting Help, gifts,

and love4.Needy, Seducer5.Idealistic Over Achiever, Ambitious, Striver,

One-up Artist6.Planner, Organizer, Mediator7.Anxious, Shy, Withdrawn, Under-Achiever,

Self-Effacer8.Angry, Impulsive, Hyper-sensitive9.Aggressive, Oppositional, Defiant, Bully

10.Dominant, Manipulative, Demanding11.Depressed, Pessimist, Unmotivated,

Withdrawer12.Submissive, Compliant, Victim13.Clown, Put-down Artist, Pest14.Helper, Nurturer, Comforter, Confidant15.Exploiter, Con-artist, Set-up-artist

Read through the list below and, as you do, try to imagine each kind of person. Have you known anyone like that?As these types on the right appear on the left, whom do you think they are most likely to try to communicate with? Whom in the list on the right do you think they might likely be forced to communicate with? What causes these pairs match up?What do you think the outcome of their communicating with each other will be?


Word Play and Word Ploys Common To All Teens, Especially For Ages Thirteen To Seventeen


Statement: Straight or Univocal Meaning:There is no LILT in the voice. Deprecate Praise

Moderate degrees of LILT or Equivocal Meaning indicators indicate that the stated extreme is really intended to imply neutral or average - or the stated neutral or average is really intended to imply extreme.

Statement: Opposite or Equivocal Meaning: Deprecate PraiseWords uttered with a LILT to imply insinuation and innuendo during personal attributions are typically intended to mean their opposite.

The Art of Verbal Play or Ploys With Respect to Personal Attributions Becomes Prominent in Mid-teens

Praise beco

mes depreca

tion or neutra

lity

Deprecation becomes praise or neutralityN

eutral

Backhanded compliment.

Backhanded put down.


The Art of Verbal Play or Ploys With Respect to Cogency for Status Ascendance Becomes Prominent in Mid-teens



The Art of Verbal Play or Ploys With Respect to Cogency for Status Ascendance Becomes Prominent in Mid-teens



:

Developmental Language Trends From Early Childhood To Late Adolescence Looking Backward and Then Forward— Child Is Father to the Man

With Expanding Zones of Unsupervised Exploration, Testing, Experimenting, Examining, Proving, and Mastering >> Language Gradually Changes Over the Years:

1. Me2. Want3. More4. No5. I want6. Can I do7. Can I have, I don’t want to8. Me too9. I didn’t do it [denial] He did it [deception] 10. Please11. Why12. Where is13. How do you14. Why not15. Why can’t I16. Sorry17. Innocently saying and doing things that are

improper and distasteful to adults and later deliberately

18. I’m scared, sad, happy19. I like, I want because. I don’t like, don’t want because.20. I am [with various elementary attributes]21. You are [with various elementary attributes]22. When – yesterday - tomorrow23. Lets play, you better do it my way. You better not or else

[elementary consequence]24. Let’s play like- first parental figures then popular heroes25. You better not, its against the rules26. Why, why is or does, why not27. Look at this, what is it called, why28. Saying and doing things that are improper in public that

embarrass parents29. in order to30. get what they want -manipulating31. Later saying and doing the same thing in order to get what

they want -manipulating 32. Testing physical skill – let me try or let me do it myself

Take the language samples below and use them as examples of the way language develops from around age one through four. Given the opportunity, observe children in various settings such as: small, crowded dwellings that house families with many children; children growing up with minimal supervision and guidance; children growing up with most of their time on the streets; crowded child care facilities with minimal supervision; children in homes with extreme poverty, severe problems and intense conflicts; children in homes where English or Standard English is not spoken. Compare the language of these children with that of children in child care facilities with maximum supervision by well-educated and well-trained staff; children in homes with optimal living conditions, optimal living space, and an absence of domestic conflict.What do you notice about trends in development of sophistication in grammar; of rules of politeness in conversing; of sophistication and content of their vocabulary; of style of conversing such as deception and manipulation; of complexity of expressions; of topics addressed in speech. What role do you think the structures of life conditions play in shaping the differences you observe in language patterns? What structures would create optimal conditions?


Using The Same Format That Was Used On The Preceding Slide, Make The Same Observations And Comparisons For Children Aged Five To Nine.

1. Venturing beyond parents’ established borders: Can I go; Is it OK if I go; I’m going . . 2. I made this3. With parents: I can do that4. I can do that myself; no, let me do it myself5. I can’t6. I don’t want to7. Examining own and other’s bodies: let me see, look8. Enacting parents role and speech in play9. Playing roles, as if, like significant figures:10. I’ll be ______and you be _______11. You’re supposed to say: their actions and some dialogue12. That’s bad13. You’re bad14. I hate you15. You stink16. That’s not fair17. Let’s play (a simple game); no, you have to do it this way18. Give me or I’ll tell19. Now you have to be punished20. Threatening punishment, threatening to hurt or to get some21. in trouble, to tell their secrets22. I’m better and bigger and stronger23. I bet I can24. With peers: I bet you can’t25. I want to be26. I know how27. Let me do it28. Let me do it myself29. Why does he get to and I don’t30. When can I?31. You’re not supposed to, that’s the rule32. What if33. Did you know? I bet you don’t know34. That’s gross, ugly , yuck, what does he do


Using The Same Format That Was Used On The Preceding Slide, Make The Same Observations And Comparisons For Children Aged Ten To Twelve.

1. Showing or doing the yucky things to gross out someone2. and laugh at them3. Why did, does, he do that? Poking fun at someone’s4. weakness, handicap, failure, etc.5. Denying to escape blame6. Rationalizing7. Blaming others, accusing others8. Telling others they can’t or can’t have or can’t go or can’t do9. Ordering, saying you better10. Telling jokes that have no punch line11. Making up stories and pretending they are true12. Saying things and acting in ways that make no sense13. Saying or doing things in mockery14. Talking gibberish15. Doing unseemly things at inappropriate times with adult16. company, then with peers17. You can’t or you’re not supposed to because: giving a reason18. Playing word games to escape blame, get their way, get out of19. having to do things20. Finding what embarrasses others, then using it to embarrass them21. Wearing iconoclastic clothes, comparing possessions: no,22. I want to wear, I want to wear it this 23. way24. Comparing possessions and parents possessions25. Comparing skills26. Ridiculing27. Refusing to do home responsibilities28. Taking what does not belong to them29. Fudging on what they have done or accomplished30. Secretly, with peers and sometimes inciting peers, exhibiting31. defiance and pretending immunity from adult rules32. and authority in negative activities33. Venturing and sometimes inciting peers into new territory34. without parents’ permission or knowledge


Using The Same Format That Was Used On The Preceding Slide, Make The Same Observations And Comparisons For Youth Aged Thirteen To Fifteen.

1. Pretending they have liberties or prerogatives, habits,2. or possessions to mislead others into thinking they are more adult3. Openly flaunting adult rules and displaying adult negative habits4. and daring parents to try to restrict or restrain them5. Threatening parents with consequences, often self destructive,6. as psychological blackmail7. Simulating adult conversation and tone8. Claiming to accept outlandish beliefs to be different9. Playing subtle psychological games to make others look bad10. and self look good to gain status, friendship, favors, or as a means to get11. revenge12. Comparing subtleties of manners, knowledge, social skill and finesse13. Discounting others for lack of same14. Implying their superior sophistication, using sophisticated words or15. concepts16. beyond their comprehension to impress or embarrass others17. Debating moral, political, religious, etc., Issues and insisting on the18. correctness19. of their 20. position and incorrectness of others’ positions21. Pretending their demands are the fashion, norm, majority opinion or way,22. or that no one does or agrees with parents, depending upon what supports23. their desire, petition, or opinion24. Using supernatural explanations as justifications and to make sense of25. their26. incomprehensible world and depending upon supernatural occult predictions27. to guide the uncertain future28. Making absolute, unequivocal statements and attacking and judging29. others30. for not being relative or flexible or tolerant enough31. Say all or no, everyone or no one to win argument to get their way32. and switching to reverse when opposing parents depending upon33. which suits their need and claiming parents do this too34. Questioning authority, the establishment


Using The Same Format That Was Used On The Preceding Slide, Make The Same Observations And Comparisons For Youth Aged Sixteen To Nineteen.

1. Imagining changing the world to fit the way they wish it were2. Imagining changing the system to justify their deficiencies or childish and irrational desires3. Unwillingness, refusing, to assume adult responsibility4. Projecting an unrealistic vision of their grand future5. Invoking philosophical arguments to bolster their position6. Using or exaggerating probability of occurrence to justify irrational fears or high risk requests7. Using ad hominem arguments, exaggerating the extremity and logical absurdity of the others

position, discounting the source8. Appealing to some other inviolate authority9. Using past inequities or indiscretions of others against them in order to gain concessions or leniency

as a matter of evening things out or as moral blackmail10. Applying very strict and fine interpretations of rules and morals to judging parents and beating them

at their own game11. Extrapolating from a single incident to a general condition to prove why they should get to or get out

of or gain permission12. Reducing the other’s argument to an absurd caricature so as to win an argument and get one’s way.13. Many of the above result from authoritarian or arbitrary parenting,14. Allowing the child to engage in manipulation, 15. Overprotecting, Catastrophizing,16. Being overly solicitous, over indulgent, overly discounting, infantilizing,17. Being overly rigid or punitive, being overly permissive, imposing adult mentality, knowledge and

judgment, on child prematurely, being overly analytical, critical or disputatious, as opposed to teaching and allowing child to increasingly use their own judgment and cope with consequences objectively without blame or guilt. What do adolescents use to assume the appearance of adulthood? What is their ticket to a semblance of adulthood with adult prerogatives?


Teen Language Patterns1. Who do they think they are; don’t listen to them;2. I don’t care what they think; say; how they feel; whether they know or not; who gives a

damn.3. They get away with it; no one ever makes them; they are only concerned with or care about; 4. You don’t trust me; don’t you trust me; why should I believe you, trust you, do what you

say; you don’t have the right to tell me;5. They don’t so why should I; they do so why shouldn’t I; you don’t so why should I; so what;

whatever!; why should I have to; 6. What they don’t know won’t hurt them; who’s gonna know; and don’t you dare tell. I won’t

say anything; I won’t tell;7. Who do they think they are; look who is talking; what will everyone think; if you . . . . then

I’ll be ruined; 8. You always; you never; 9. Attacking knowledge of stars, heroes, songs, movies, games, sports10. Questioning courage encouraging daring 11. Counter-criticism with parents12. Language interaction with types of therapists and therapies.


Teen Language Patterns• Attacking cloths’ brands and cloths that are not ‘in’.• Checking on similarities of preferences in music heroes, etc.• Checking out opinions of same and opposite sex peers. Checking who likes whom, seeking

validation of whom one likes and whether it is returned, reciprocated• Way opposite gender is referred to: chicks, babes, dolls-----------------------• Slang and curse word use• That’s cool; big deal; who says; you better watch out, watch what you say; no sweat; I can dig

it; and you know;• Sharing incidents at school and on dates.• Checking opinions of teachers, coaches, and leaders.• Ego comparisons and contests, status adjustments to avoid ridicule or being shot down.

Engaging in ego repair. Tearing down to build up self. • Teasing and putting each other down. • Setting each other up. • Ridiculing goofs. • Vying for leadership or just to be noticed. Attacking identities. Evaluating skills and abilities.


Teen Language Patterns• Demonstrating knowledge, skill, independence. Let me help – no I can do it

myself.• Demonstrating knowledge of the teenage slang and terms du jour.• Demonstrating knowledge of distinct peer-group-specific swear words.• Talk involving checking out knowledge of proper or cool behavior. Evaluating

each other’s behavior in situations.• Checking in-group status and who is in which group and who is ‘in’ with whom.

• Secrets, complaining of injustice, accusing, • Longing, • Response to commands and prohibitions; response to advice from parents and

authorities or staff; • Bragging about sex and about who is interested in oneself. Suggestive,

seductive comments and innuendoes.


Teen Language Patterns with Respect to Emotions

• Expressions of extreme emotions, high and low.

• Anger, resentment, guilt, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, blame, projecting blame or shifting blame, arguing with word games,


Young Adult Language Patternsthe Transition from Teenage to Adult


Changing Trends in Content Areas and Styles of Conversing With Peers versus Adults From Middle Through Late Adolescence

1. Expressing general desires and dealing with other’s desires.

2. Romance expressions and seduction and describing romance encounters.

3. Declaring, confirming, and developing consensual interests, and preferences.

4. Securing, validating, and conferring affiliations.

5. Language of personal goal setting, planning, and goals.

6. Language of strategies for:1. helping and being helped2. dealing with conflict3. complying and securing compliance.

7. Declaring and exercising conscience.8. Defining self estimation and esteem

for self and other.9. Language adapting to time,

schedules, and temporality.10. Expressing own and relating to

others’ feelings and emotions.11. Attributing traits and characteristics

to self and other.12. Defining self-concept and identity of

self and others.13. Declaring, confirming, and developing

consensual beliefs.14. Seeking and declaring causal

explanations.15. Seeking, declaring, disputing, and

corroborating knowledge.

1. Some teens are extremely vocal about their desires. Other teens have difficulty talking about any of their desires.

2. Some teens freely use romantic or seductive language with the opposite sex. Some are awkward and some simply unable to express themselves romantically or seductively.

3. Almost all teens talk to a great extent about the preferences in products, entertainment, and recreation.

4. In and out groups5. What am I going to do with my

like?6. Let me do it for you. Leave me

alone I can do it myself. Hey, I’ll do it but only if you… Come on, don’t be chicken.

7. I know I shouldn’t but . . You’re bad. You’re a hypocrite.

1. A2. b

Individual Language Patterns Comparing with Age-Group Peers Comparing to Adult Reference Groups


Settings, Roles, Situations, and Occasions Where Language Coaching May be Appropriate and Even Necessary

1. In institution and outside institution; at home with parents; in public with parents; with extended family; with best same gender friend; with best opposite gender friend; with clique; at social occasions; in school with peers; in school with teachers;

2. With parents questioning their knowledge, basis for prohibitions. Questioning reason for requirements, chores. Countering parents assumptions. Comparing to ‘everybody’ and invalidating parents denial of permission.

3. At parties attacking word use and in class.4. In Class with teachers and with Parents discussing homework: Asking why; questioning

of what use is that to me; how will I ever use that; why should I have to learn that; I’ll never use that so why should I have to study it; who cares; look at them, they don’t so why should I or they do so why shouldn’t I;

5. With Peers you know what I am going to be [do] after I graduate? I wish I could; someday I’m gonna be; I’ll show them; I will never give them the satisfaction; they don’t have the faintest idea who I am what I am like, want; they don’t care what I want; its always got to there way.

6. With best friends I just wish I could get away;7. Together with parents and siblings I’m always the one that catches the blame; accused;

they jump on; she-he [sibling] gets away with anything.8. With counselors or adult confidants They want me to be; they expect me to be; they say I

have to: grades or activities or sports. They say I have to go to. Why don’t they leave me alone? I wish they would stop worrying about me. My parents [dad, mom] drive me crazy; are so unfair; don’t understand.


Coach and Teen Developing New Matching Patterns


Coach Facilitating Teen in Developing New Matching Patterns With Other Teens


Coach Facilitating Teen in Developing New Matching Patterns With Family Members



The Art of Verbal Play or Ploys Involving Insider-Information for Securing Inclusion Becomes Prominent in Mid-teens


The Art of Verbal Play or Ploys Involving Non-Conformity and Defiance Becomes Prominent in Mid-teens


Summary


EXCERSIZES TO FACILITATE COACHING IN THERECOGNITION AND CHANGE

OF TEENAGERS LANGUAGE PATTERNS


Movies to Be Used with Lesson 5


Movie Plot Summaries

Documents

1/7/2014Copyright by Edwin L. Young, PhD, 7/19971 LESSON 6 The Teenagers Language Matches the Language of the People in the Family and the Immediate Community