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The Virtues of the LazinessMark Harvey
Hello, my name is Mark, and Im. and Im a lazy slob! Applause all
around,
pats on the back, an overwhelming feeling of acceptance and
support. No, I have to be
dreaming. Its just not like that. There is no acceptance of
laziness. Rarely would you
find a loving parent chatting with a neighbour and saying His
teachers say hes a
very lazy boy, so were hoping that one day hell grow up to be a
complete slob.
(Actually my mother did once say that, but I think it was
because she knew I was
listening). Sadly, throughout society today laziness is actively
discouraged. This is a
dangerous mistake! Laziness should be celebrated and nurtured.
It is a quality that has
played a major role in the development of our way of life, and
indeed humankind
owes its very existence to laziness.
Science has shown that early mammals evolved during the heyday
of the dinosaurs.
The more ambitious, energetic and driven of the mammals competed
with the
dinosaurs on the surface and rapidly got eaten or trodden on for
their troubles. While
the lazier of the mammals sloped off to live down holes in the
ground, only coming
out late at night when the great brutes were safely asleep, and
only when absolutely
necessary. Then one day, about 65 million years ago, the lazy
mammals cautiously
peeped out to see what all that noise had been about, discovered
all the nasty
dinosaurs had gone, and emerged triumphant into the daylight to
reap the rewards of
their laziness. Thereby providing an evolutionary pathway for
humankinds existence
today in a form that isnt all scaly and slimy.
Humankind is distinguished from the rest of the animal kingdom
by its amazing
capacity for cogitative reasoning and imaginative thought.
However, this capacity is
greatly reduced by stress, under which the human brain regresses
to baser, animal
levels dominated by instinct and survival. Has there ever been
an obsessed,
determined executive type who didnt complain of stress? They are
all so stressed
theyd be lucky to get so much as a twitch out of their
brain-stems. So who amongst
us can maintain humankinds elevation above the animals? Is it a
bird? Is it a plane?
No, its the lazy slob to the rescue! We are the experts,
thinking is our speciality. Just
ask us for assistance in any activity and we will happily offer
to think about it.
Throughout history all the major breakthroughs and inventions
have come from the
quiet and rested minds of the lazy. If it doesnt seem that way
its because we never
get around to developing our ideas, thats where the sodding
go-getters step in and
take all the credit. For instance Leonardo Da Vinci may have
been handy with a
crayon, but it was Waldo Da Wieni, his personal hair stylist,
who came up with the
clever ideas. And Denis Pinkleton, a struggling theology student
at Cambridge, was
the first to get a grasp on gravity. His theory was passed on to
Isaac Newton only after
the amicable resolution of an apple fight.
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The spiritual benefits of laziness were taught by Jesus himself
(Matthew chapter 6, the
bit about birds and lilies and stuff), but in this modern world
laziness is inexplicably
frowned upon, and the spiritual aspect is ignored altogether.
This is so unjust. All
those successful, pushy go-getters out there are the last to
acknowledge the
contribution of the lazy. But there can be no denying that they
got where they are byruthlessly competing with only the other pushy
go-getters, not by competing with us
lazy slobs who just couldnt be bothered with it all. Imagine
what would happen if
hordes of lazy slobs suddenly got off their couches and started
ruthlessly competing
too. A significant proportion of those so-called winners would
end up destitute,
sleeping under bridges. Theres not enough room for everyone to
be a winner.
Surely the most unjustified but widely held belief is that being
a lazy slob is an
effortless easy option. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The effort required for
a lazy slob to roll out of bed before lunchtime would be more
than sufficient to put a
bouncy ambitious type into orbit! Its the motivated workaholics
who take the easy
way out. They all know they should be getting more sleep,
spending more qualitytime with the family and finally getting that
work / life balance sorted. But they just
keep on rushing around, busy, busy, busy! They cant summon up
the effort to slow
down, they simply lack the necessary sit down and stay
attitude.
Nowadays we are all aware of the importance of reducing energy
wastage for the
well-being of the planet as a whole. It is therefore essential
to recognise a basic,
inconvenient truth, that it is far more energy efficient for the
eager, driven non-slob to
hop up off the couch and manually change channels, than for the
lazy slob to shift a
buttock to see if hes sitting on the remote. Thats just the way
it is. Just accept it, and
trust us, its better for the environment that way.
Back in the 17th Century, one of the foundation stones of modern
science was laid
down in Pinkletons Primary Postulate (nowadays more commonly
known as
Newtons First Law). This asserts that Every body continues in
its state of rest .
unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed
on it. The universal
truth revealed by this fundamental law is that the state of rest
is the most pure and
natural of all states. What is laziness if not the physical
manifestation of the desire to
remain in that pure and natural state? It is the spiritual quest
for perfection. Surely the
most noble of goals.
So please, acknowledge the virtue of our chosen path. Show us
the respect wedeserve. Cherish us, revere us, tend for us, and
then, most important of all, stop
bothering us, so that we can continue to provide our crucial
role in the survival of
humankind and the planet itself.
And on your way out, can you grab us a beer?
Cheers.
