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4 MAY 2013
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The girl with the bewitching gaze knocks us off our
feet in her sexiest shoot ever!
6 MAY 2013
REGULARS14 REFRESH All-new maximindia.in is loaded with hot women, rib-tickling humour, and tips to make you a sex god. Check it out!
16 INCOMING Dear readers, your letters are a sight for sore eyes. Or a sight that makes our eyes sore. With love, us.
18 ASK MAXIM The questions are getting weirder by the day, but we’re up for the task. Drinking and giving gyan never go out of style.
128 EXITDecode the Decider and figure out which car your precious ass deserves. Don’t let your mates brainwash you into riding the bus.
FEATURES52 FACE�OFF The who’s who of comedy have ridden the Comedy Central Roast train. They give us the hard truths, the cold lies and pee-in-your-pants absurdity.
70 CHAMPIONS LEAGUE HIGH We visit Wembley stadium ahead of the pulsating Final (to wash the stands) and take a trip through the greatest matches in Champions League history (for posterity).
86 UNDER THE HOOD A crash course on everything that a real guy needs to know about his car.
90 SOAKING THE SUN
The star of Scary Movie V, Ashley Tisdale, lets us ogle as she spends a day at the beach. We’re screaming with joy.
98 IPL CHEERED
The glam dolls of IPL give us an insight into their lives on and off the field.
CIRCUS MAXIMUS20 THE GIRL NEXT DOOR Meet Dessie Mitcheson, winner of the US round of Hometown Hotties.
24 THE FUNNIES Abijit Ganguly has us rollin’ on the floor.
30 CINEMASCOPERaj Nidimoru and Krishna DK on their latest venture. Also, the new flicks to watch out for.
34 JUST NAIL ITThe stupid things we do without thinking, plus how to be a trampoline star.
36 MUSIC FROM THE EXPERTSBuild your playlist with the best tracks.
38 GAMINGThe hottest games out there in May.
40 HOMETOWN HOTTIESPoonam Pandey defies the limits of hotness.
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STASH118 THE FUZZCheck in your humour quotient at our Beat This Caption contest. Check out laughing.
119 SHOCK If the comics are wrong, our lives may look like this. Get underground.
120 SEXY IN PUBLIC Sizzling Leeza Mangaldas fulfils our fantasy and plays the sexiest guardian ever.
121 24 HOURS: SHARMAN JOSHI The ace actor gives us a peep into his afterlife.
122 AUTOPORNThe Ford Atlas Concept is your everyday dirt demon. Wait, it’s not on the road...yet!
STUFF76 TAKE CONTROL Satisfy your tech hunger with the latest gadgets and save your skin without the pain. Plus, survival gear that will let out the adrenalin junkie in you.
78 WHEEL OF DESIRE These cars would be fitting vessels for the gods. You can smell the fumes.
STYLE102 EASY ENSEMBLE Tune in to the latest trends and look good with ease this summer.
112 SEASON BUSTERS Stop cribbing about the heat. Just put on these sunglasses, shorts and caps and say hello to sun.
124 BUYING GUIDE The one directory that you’ll need always.
GURU 42 KING OF THE BUNS Don’t throw away the leftovers from your fridge just yet. Here’s how you can make the most potent burgers.
44 CORE STRENGTH Power up your legs and strengthen your core with these exercises, straight from the pros.
46 B.O. BANISHEDMask the unpleasant with these ready-for-anything deos. Don’t mix them with your farts, though.
48 SEX ON THE SCREEN Your cellphone may be your electronic leash, but it may also make your best sex toy ever. Follow the text trail, mate, and call it a ping for the wise (and the horny).
50 BOOZEOLOGY These powerful cocktails will keep you buzzing through the day. Oh, and you’ll still look in control. Can it get any better?
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10 MAY 2013
BY VIVEK PAREEK
The Month To Get In(Or How Knowing Is Not Everything)
Vivek PareekEDITOR
For all things MAXIM, follow me on twitter.com/vivekpareek
Is the heat beginning to melt your mind? Relax. It won’t take time. (Because there isn’t very much there!) That was the sagely advice from a friend who’s smarter than a mule with OCD. Let me explain: Smart people are stubborn. It may have something to do with the fact that they know more or the fact that their superiority is usually based on a single plane of knowledge.
At �����, we’ve always been very proud of the fact that we are the best combination of useful and useless out there. We want you to become “better,” but without sacrifi cing who you are. We don’t believe in big-boned jargon or anatomically-challenged advice. We believe of simplicity in thought and deed, which means you get things faster, easier and, let’s face it, in the most entertaining way possible. Like you, dear reader, we are not pompous or pretentious, and we continue to stick our neck out for all the things that we young, urban and decent men stand for.
So, hold that thought as you pick this issue apart. There’s plenty of stuff we get into, such as drinking round the clock, beating the heat with clothes, eating yourself to good health and, most importantly, laughing away the stress. Plus, our beautiful Covergirl, Shruti Hassan, pulls off her hottest shoot ever (if you’ve been requesting her for 23 months, you’re welcome!). Not enough? We’ve got a great article on the Champions League and a behind-the-pompoms look at the IPL cheerleaders. All this is surrounded by the most awesome cars, which means you can hit the brakes, smell the fumes and smile. Because you can. And, more importantly, because you’re smart enough to know that you can.
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LIKE US ON FACEBOOKfacebook.com/maximonline.india ED
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EDITORVIVEK PAREEK
JUNIOR FEATURES EDITOR ABHILASHA SIHAG STAFF WRITERS SAURAV BHANOT, SHOBHITA DUTTEDITORIAL CONSULTANT YANA BANERJEE�BEY
CREATIVE DIRECTOR SUNANDA VAIDASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR GITUMONI TALUKDAR DESIGNER RAGHAB PANDA
PRODUCTION DEPUTY GENERAL MANAGER SUNIL DUBEY SENIOR MANAGER RITESH ROY
MANAGER DEVENDER PANDEY
DEPUTY ASSOCIATE PUBLISHERACHINTYA BHARAT
ADVERTISING & MARKETINGNEW DELHI KARAN RAJ BENGALURU VIKAS SINGH KOLKATA SALONI SINGH MUMBAI RAGINI PADIKKAL
ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER �ACTIVATION SALES� VISHAL ARORA
PRODUCT SALES & CONSUMER SERVICESHEAD �RETAIL SALES� VIPUL JAIN
MANAGER �SUBSCRIPTIONS� ASHISH SAWHNEY ASSISTANT MANAGER �CORPORATE SALES� CHANDNI WADERA REGIONAL MANAGER �WEST� SUBASH MISHRA REGIONAL MANAGER �SOUTH� SATHYA NARAYANA T.S.
ASSISTANT MANAGER �EAST� SOMNATH PRAMANIK
CORPORATE OPERATIONSMANAGER �HUMAN RESOURCES� SONYA CAROLINE SHAH
CEO’S OFFICEEA TO CEO NEERAJ RAWAT
CHAIRMANJ.S. UBEROI
PRESIDENTXAVIER COLLACO
PUBLISHING DIRECTORRASINA UBEROI BAJAJ
DIRECTORAMRITA SHAHRA
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICERPIYUSH SHARMA
CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICERGAURAV KUMAR
FINANCIAL CONTROLLERPUNEET NANDA
ALPHA MEDIA GROUPEXECUTIVE CHAIRMAN JACK KLIGER
CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER DAVID SIMCOXSENIOR ADVISOR DAVID J. FISHMAN
MAXIM WORLDWIDE BRAND LICENSINGINTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING MANAGER STEPHANIE MARINO
INTERNATIONAL EDITORIAL DIRECTOR SIMON CLAYSSENIOR INTERNATIONAL OPERATIONS MANAGER PAULINE LAM
INTERNATIONAL RIGHTS COORDINATOR JEFF WHITACRE
Copyright © 2013 Media Transasia India Ltd. All rights reserved throughout the world. Reproduction in any manner is prohibited. Printed and published by Xavier Collaco on behalf of Media Transasia India Ltd., Plot no. 323, Udyog Vihar, Phase-4, Gurgaon-122016, Haryana, India. Printed at Thomson Press India Limited, 18/35 Delhi-Mathura Raod, Faridabad, Haryana.
Editor: Vivek Pareek. MAXIM does not take responsibility for returning unsolicited publication material. All disputes are subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of competent courts and forums in Delhi/New Delhi only. Opinions expressed in the articles are of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the editors or publishers. While the editors do their utmost to verify
information published they do not accept responsibility for its absolute accuracy.Copyright © 2013 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. The name “MAXIM”® and the MAXIM logo are registered trademarks of Alpha Media Group Inc., which trademarks have been licensed
to Media Transasia India Ltd. MAXIM® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. The United States edition of Maxim is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10017. For international publishing or licensing inquiries: [email protected]
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INDIA VOLUME 8 ISSUE 2
WWW.MAXIMINDIA.IN
FEBRUARY 2013 100WWW.MAXIMINDIA.IN
AnushkaSharma
GIZMOED!SUPER GADGETS FOR WORK & PLAY
SINFUL IDEAS 73Lust, Gluttony & SlothRedeemed
Sexual Staircase
“Could IWear That?”
TAKE HER HIGHER
ÜBER THREADS
SHATTERED GLASS,BLOWN WHEELS, DEVILISH COCKTAILS
DE�STRESSCENTRAL
STYLE OVERHAUL
THE SIDE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN!
Sexy And SheKnows It
Download MAXIM’s AR App! Point Your Device At The Cover
& Catch Anushka’s Gaze
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THE STHE SHE SIHE SIDHEHE SEH E YOUNEVER SVER EVER SSER SEV EEN!
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Download Mload Moad MAXAXMAXad MAXoad d Mad XIM’sIM’IM’IMIM’s IM’s AR App!M’s AR App!MMPoint Your DPoint YoYour Doourourur Dr evice A Thevice At Thevicvice At Theevice At CoverCoverCov
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14 MAY 2013
DAILY SPECIALS COVERGIRL GALLERY
Get exclusive images of hotter-than-hot girls, including Cobie Smulders, Monica Dogra, Sonal Chauhan and Bipasha Basu, and feel the temperatures rise even more. We can’t handle it... neither will you!
MISS MAXIM VIDEOSGet behind-the-scenes of the shoot for the hot girl next door.
SOME REAL TOP 10
SIMPLE STYLEJoin comic Papa CJ and his crew in their stylish avatars.
TO MOMMY EARTH... Become the armchair activist with these eco-friendly moves.
CELEB AFTER-PLANS50 Cent and others come clean before bidding the fi nal adieu.
All the things every real man needs... updated daily!
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THE STADIUM-FILLERS ARE HERE!Stats, mates, suds: We have the perfect formula for a sports-fi lled summer. The IPL, Champions League, Tour de France, Wimbledon and more. From the greatest matches to the best players, the web’s never been sweatier.
BIG FEATURE
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16 MAY 2013
W O R S T H O L I D A Y G I F T S E V E R !If you’re travelling abroad, here’s a list of souvenirs no relative—no matter how annoying—deserves. Reserve them for your boss.
YOU HAVE E�MAIL. WE HAVE AN INBOX. WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SPAM MYMAXIM@MAXIM�INDIA.COM AND ABUSE US NOW! WHO KNOWS? YOUR NAME MAY FIND ITS WAY HERE, OR IT MAY HELP OUR TRASH BIN REACH ITS LIMIT. OF COURSE, ALL LETTERS WILL BE EDITED FOR LANGUAGE AND CONSISTENCY. DON’T HATE US.
KEY CHAINSWhat is it with people bringing back
teeny Eiffel Tower, Pisa’s Leaning Tower etc. key chains? They just show how lazy you were. Better bet? Bring
back a case of the local brew!
FOREIGN COINS Only because you didn’t get anything
doesn’t mean you have to give your nephew leftover coins for his “priceless collection.” He’s not a
budding numismatist.
ROYAL CUTLERY We understand your fascination with the royal family of Britain, but trust us:
None of your relatives wants to eat or drink tea in crockery with faces on
them. Better bet? More brew.
LOVE T�SHIRTSRegular T-shirts from a foreign land are most welcome since we need new clothes. But a walking “I heart
NY” billboard is a bit much.What? So we love ’em.
INDIAN BABALOGThe feature on the Indian Premier League was refreshing and hilarious, especially with the weird “dream team.” I normally gloss over pages that have too much text, but I read it end to end. You should do more sports-related features. Ankur K., VaranasiYeah, we love geek-friendly sports features too. It’s really (not) satisfying fact-checking the crap out of numbers and dates. But do watch out because there’s a fun feature this time around too. We like to think we know a bit about sports, but we’re happy to be proved wrong.
GREEN WORRIESReading about the A, B, C of how we’ve screwed the environment was great, but I felt the article was a little too heavy and, frankly, not something I expected. Why don’t you do a fun feature on the environment?Jaspreet S., MumbaiBecause, mate, it is no longer a laughing matter. Mom Earth is pissed and we have to get our act together if we want to avoid a natural kick to our backsides. That said, we’re just the messengers—still funny and irresponsible. It’s up to you. Why not start with reducing your carbon footprint when you fl y?
CLASSIC SHOOTThe style section didn’t really live up to my expectations. I like Papa CJ & Co. because I’ve seen them live, but the shoot was neither helpful nor that funny. Their pranks were okay, but I feel you could have done a lot more with the clothes. Arjun Y., BengaluruWhile we’re democratic and believe that everyone is entitled to his opinion, we have to ask: Do you have a girlfriend? Yes? Great. No? Then listen up. Style should be accessible and every guy should be allowed to interpret it the way he wants. The comedians, along with stylist Karishma Bery, brought their unique sense to the shoot. The idea was dressing diff erent physiques in modern attire. Enough said.
HIT & MISSNo doubt Miss Maxim lets women showcase their sensuality but it’s strange that the best part of your shoot was the “Making of Miss Maxim ’13.” Adhya didn’t do it for me and I wish you guys had given some more winners pages. Jatin P., New DelhiWe’d have loved more pages, too. But we do have some videos that you can catch on our website. Adhya’s hot, has a mind of her own and that’s what we like, right?
HOW WE MET YOUR GIRLI’ve been a ����� reader for ages but my girlfriend isn’t (that’s understandable, right?). But Cobie Smulders in your April issue was a hit even with her. If I picked my copy for the sexy photos, she took it from me for Cobie’s interview and the sexy photos and she hasn’t stopped talking about it. Guess you guys have a lot of new fans like her. Vineet P., GurgaonTrue, that. And we welcome your girlfriend to �����, feel free not to accompany her. The shoot was incredible, yeah, and we’re sure a lot of men and women out there liked the fact that we stretched our wings and broke the “famous” rule. We had a ton of requests for Cobie, so it was fi nally time to fulfi l them.
Answering all the questions you never knew you had (and some you did).
YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!OUR EXPERT GUIDE TO
GETTING GOODER
18 MAY 2013
I’M GOING ON A HOLIDAY. WHAT CLOTHES SHOULD I PACK? Vikram S., Delhi
We understand your plight ’cos, frankly, we’ve always been puzzled by this. When it’s time to pack for a holiday, you’re either short of clothes or have enough and more to take with you. Packing for a holiday can seriously kill the excitement and that’s never a good idea. But we got Ravi Bajaj, ace menswear designer and our own Style Guru, to sort you out. “What you pack for a holiday completely depends on where you are headed,” he says. “Diff erent places have diff erent requirements, depending on the weather, so let that be your cue,” he continues. If you’re going to a beach, shorts, T-shirts, casual shirts, fl ip-fl ops, running shoes, trunks and sunglasses are a must. “And, for the evenings, carry linen pants and some shirts along with loafers,” he adds. For a city destination, smart casual shirts, chinos, collared T-shirts, comfortable shoes and a couple of casual jackets will do. “For the hills, warm clothes are an obvious, yes, but try layering instead of wearing thick clothes,” he advises. Hiking shoes, too, are a must, if you’re the adventurous sort. Also a good idea: Sunblock. No journey like you deserve.
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Answering all the questions you never knew you had (and some you did).
Want an answer from an incrediblyuntrustworthy source? Send your queries to
Want an answeh
ncredibly
3,00,00,000Number of people in India that suff er from obesity, according to the Obesity Foundation India.
HOW CAN I RECYCLE MY GARBAGE?Sambhav S., BengaluruGood thing you didn’t say “my junk.” We got Madhavi Joshi, PD, at the Centre for Environment Education, Gujarat, to help us. She says your daily living should revolve around three key words—reduce, reuse and recycle. “Buy in bulk where possible, use alternatives to polythene bags, disposables, use and throw batteries. Buy and consume only what you need without wasting,” she says. “Before you decide to toss out, reuse glass bottles, containers to store things,” Madhavi adds. She also suggests that you should compost wet waste, fruit and vegetable peels and make your own composting unit at home—in a pot or in a pit in your garden. Also, use the compost for your plants. And segregate dry waste so it can be recycled. (Paper into paper bags or papier mache products and plastic bags into woven products.) If you did indeed mean your “junk,” go to an andrologist, dude.
WHY ARE SILENT LETTERS USED IN WORDS? Prakash B., MumbaiThe way we talk has evolved faster than how we write, and those lazy bastards at the dictionary haven’t updated the spellings. “The k in knife wasn’t always silent,” explains UCLA linguistic assistant professor Robert Daland. “The question is, why haven’t we changed it?” Hoo noes?
WHAT DETERMINES ON WHICH SIDE OF THE CAR THE FUEL TANK GOES? Gaurav M., New DelhiSteve Kosowski, a motorcar specialist, says this can be based on front- or rear-wheel drive, platform layout, or a car company’s philosophy that one side is better or safer. In a nutshell: Hope for a tiny arrow by the gas gauge.
000 PRIL 2013
Little Miss Sunshine
Guys, meet������ ���������,
the sexiest girl-next-door in the US and
winner of the 2012 leg of Hometown Hotties! Dessie, meet the guys
who are going to try to buy your next-door
neighbour’s house!
Text��������� ������
Photographs������ �����
MAY 2013 21
A MAXIM VIEW OF THE WORLD
A MAXIMVIEW OF THE WORLD
22 MAY 2013
CIRCUS MAXIMUS TRENDING
Your reaction when you found out you had won the US edition of Hometown Hotties was...I thought I would pee! I was so excited and happy and couldn’t wait to thank everyone who’s been supporting me.
Who gets the news before the rest of the world?Defi nitely my mom. She was thrilled when I told her I was a fi nalist, and she’s always very supportive of me. Then my dad and then my older brother. He was more hesitant about my entering the competition than anyone else.
Understandably, because now he’s going to have to deal with all these guys trying to snag a date with you.It’s funny. He was in a staff meeting, and his colleagues were discussing what they can’t talk about in the workplace. One of
his coworkers stood up and said, “You can’t talk about his sister!” He gets stuff about it all the time, but I know he’s happy for me.
What made you decide to enter the competition?Being in ����� has always been one of my main goals in terms of modelling. As soon as I turned 21, that’s what I wanted to do, so I am extremely proud and excited to get to represent the magazine.
You don’t think all the accolades will go to your head? You can yell and scream at us. It’s cool.No. I don’t ever look at myself in that way. I see myself as Dessie who lives in the town of Apollo, Pennsylvania. When I’m at home or work, I don’t really wear a lot of make-up, and I like to have fun and be comfortable and not always worry about my appearance. But I can look good when I want to!
Was there any moment in the competitionwhen you thought, ‘Wow, I can’t believe thisis happening’?The week in Las Vegas with all the other fi nalists was the experience of a lifetime. The shoots were awesome, but my favourite part was meeting all the other girls, because we got along so well.
What’s your message to all the fans who voted for you?Thank you for being so respectful and encouraging! You guys kept me going.
We hear you’re single. Would you ever date a ����� guy?Defi nitely! With me, it’s pretty much what you see is what you get, so as long as a guy can be himself and be honest with himself, he has a good chance with me.
JENNA LEIGH lingerie
Opening Page BACI lingerie
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THE FUNNIES
24 MAY 2013
ROAD RUNNERA police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $50,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks. The man responds, “I guess I’ll go to the driving school and get my licence.” His wife adds, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk.” A guy in the back seat pops out from under a blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” Just then, a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, “Are we over the border yet?”
A HARD LIFE... ZUTHULU RESURRECTION
“It’s CIRCUS MAXIMUS!”
WHAT’S THE WORD?Amit goes to see a doctor and says, “Doctor, I want to be castrated.”“What on Earth for?” the doc asks.Amit explains, “Well, it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. If you don’t do it, I’ll just go to another doctor.” “Okay, but I’d still say it’s against my better judgment.” So Amit has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. He sees another patient walking towards him exactly the same way. “Hi there,” says Amit, “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.” “Yeah,” says the patient, “I finally decided I’d like to be circumcised.” Amit’s eyes widen in horror, “Oh, shit! That’s the word!”
UNCLE’S ANTICSA guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks. “I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet, and he’s got no clothes on!” He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. He sees his friend, totally naked, cowering on the floor. “You bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack, and you’re running around without clothes, scaring the kids!”
BY NICHOLAS GUREWITCH
Make Us Laugh,
Funnyman!Our recent import from
funnyland, ABIJIT GANGULY, puts forth his funniest
ones. All hail!
Definition of arranged
marriage�helping ugly and repulsive
people hook up for centuries.
The last Delhi
winter made me realise why the whites use tissue paper for
everything.
Alcohol is the reason 99 percent of Indians don’t know why exactly we celebrate Good Friday. Because, for us, as long as alcohol is available, any Friday is Good Friday. Bluurrp!
If you’re a dark girl in India, pray to God you’re rich. ’Cos if you’re not, then you’re just a dark girl. But if you’re rich, you’re a dusky beauty.
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30 MAY 2013
S C R E E N F I L L E R SBook your weekends, mate, this is as much fun as it’ll get. Five heavyweight fl icks are here!
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1 3 5
MAY 2013 31
AURANGZEBA typical case of clash between the police and criminals, but it comes home. Set in present-day Gurgaon, a family of policemen devises a plan to take down the city’s mafi a king. Only, the plan is kinda twisted and involves a lookalike of the don’s Man Friday. Refl ecting glimpses of Face Off and The Departed, the movie is full of action, thrills, betrayal, treachery and, well, the occasional mush. Why Watch? The name, dude, it’s all in the name. Anyone who’s even mildly into fi lms will wanna see it. The cast is quite impressive too—Rishi Kapoor, Jackie Shroff , Deepti Naval, Amrita Singh and more—who can give some real powerhouse performances. Plus, yesteryears’ actress Salma Agha’s daughter, Sasha, makes her debut, and it has Arjun Kapoor in a double role. Look, we’re tired. Just watch the fi lm.
Four big directors coming together to direct one fi lm, but in individual parts. That’s as good an idea as any. To celebrate 100 years of Indian cinema, this anthology is held together by a common string—be it a man trying to make it big or a wife stuck in a dead-end marriage—each is a story of struggle.Why Watch? Thought-provoking and serious cinema is not our bag, but this one
seems really intriguing. It’s got four accomplished directors—Karan Johar, Zoya Akhtar, Dibakar Banerjee and Anurag Kashyap—as well as a cast that kicks ass. We’ve checked off Rani Mukerji, Randeep Hooda, Nawazuddin Siddiqui, Aamir Khan and Ranbir Kapoor, and maybe you can fi nd some more. If you don’t like to use your brains, remember: Some gyan is better than none.
1 3STAR TREK: INTO THE DARKNESSBoldly go where you’ve gone before. The franchise that kickstarted your inner geek is back—and you’ll secretly fantasise about being a part of it. The Starfl eet is under attack by one of its own top agents, so Captain James Tiberius Kirk and team have to set out to end the nonsense. Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana reprise their roles from the last Star Trek fi lm, but seem to have really grown into their characters. Alice Eve (the hot chick from She’s Out Of My League) and Benedict Cumberbatch join the cast, with Cumberbatch playing a baddie with a bad diet.Why Watch? It’s Star Trek, son, so get in line or get the hell out of our way. A whole new set of state-of-the-art sets and eff ects are a given, but what is really exciting is how the respective cast has taken on the mannerisms of William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy.
5THE HANGOVER 3 The wolfpack is back and it’s time for an epic conclusion. The third from The Hangover trilogy, this one takes the mad men back to party heaven—Las Vegas. But no one’s getting married this time, and there seems to be no bachelor’s party planned. You may think there’s no monumental cock-up, but you should know that when Phil, Stu and Alan lock horns with Chow, all hell breaks loose. Picking up from the last drug-infused, totally outrageous adventure, this rounds off the dude fest.Why Watch? Come on, it’s The Hangover... you can’t miss that. Plus, we’re excited ’cos the party moves back to Vegas, so the shenanigans that these guys can crank up will be fun to watch. And, if you’re like us, you know you’ll have something to reminisce about.
IRON MAN 3Metal Boy is bad with the third instalment, with enough shit hitting the ceiling to make his suit rust. Tony Stark is happy in his perfect life with Miss Potts, yet there’s something disturbing his peace. And before he fi gures it out, terrorist Mandarin is out on a rampage to destroy the world. Stark suits up and fi ghts for his dear ones. But it’s gonna take him a lot more to take down Mandarin. More men in suits, perhaps?Why Watch? It’s an Iron Man fl ick and if an Avenger calls for help, you’d be foolish to refuse. The character of Mandarin from the comics fi nally makes his debut and you get to see an army of Iron Men (yes!). And, who knows, Miss Potts may fi nally lose that elegant dress?
2THE GREAT GATSBY Get into vintage mode. It’s the New York of 1922—rich, naughty, fl irty, dirty but jazzy. In the middle is Nick Carraway, who discovers that his superrich neighbour, Jay Gatsby, has a past with his now-married cousin. As Nick is sucked into a world that’s fl awed and overpowering at the same time, he decides to jot down the tale of impossible love and deceit.Why Watch? It’s based on the novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald, which many consider to be one of the best literary works ever. Wait, don’t yawn, because it really is a great book. And it is from the makers of Romeo & Juliet and Moulin Rouge (stop yawning!), so it promises to be well-made. In fact, Amitabh Bachchan has a cameo in the movie.
4FAST & FURIOUS 6“Vehicular warfare” and that too of the best damn kind. Brace yourself for screeching tyres, slammed brakes and enough muscle to make the Mustang feel like a baby. Dom and the team are living it up when agent Hobbs seeks their help to take down a bad-to-the-bone gang—which just happens to include Letty, Dom’s former fl ame. If you thought Fast & Furious is all about cars, well, let’s add freakin’ aeroplanes and tanks. As both the teams lock horns, what we get is awesome action, breathtaking stunts and enough explosions to make your mid-afternoon farts seem like Mozart.Why Watch? If you’ve been a follower of the franchise, you defi nitely don’t want to miss this. And if you’re not, catch this one to see what you’ve been missing. The entire cast has put in blood and sweat, while the engines have sacrifi ced valves. Honour the dead, will you?
C H A R A C T E R I N S I G H T STwo fi lms that will force you to think. (No, we don’t mean which half-time snack to buy!)
CIRCUS MAXIMUS SCREENS
BOMBAY TALKIES
32 MAY 2013
GENRE�D!ACTION, ROMANCE, DRAMA.NAME IT, GET IT.
We caught Raj Nidimoru and Krishna DK, directors of Go Goa Gone,and found that a zombie-infested comedy isn’t just about the brain-dead.
AASHIQUI 2Welcome to the world of good ol’ mushy romance. Boy meets girl, they fall in love and then, obviously, everything falls apart. Just like your life.Why Watch? Good thing it’s a musical love story. That should make it a little easier for us to watch. But the pairing of newbies Aditya Roy Kapoor and Shraddha Kapoor seems like a good idea. She’s really hot.
YEH JAWAANI HAI DEEWANIControversy? Check. Good performers? Check. Hot lady? Double check. Deepika Padukone and Ranbir Kapoor come together for this one—as a lovestruck couple going through a bumpy ride.Why Watch? It’s got Aditya Roy Kapoor (how much does this guy work?) and Kalki Koechlin, too, and it’s an Ayan Mukerji (Wake Up Sid!) fl ick. It’s urban, pretty real and about people like us. Only prettier, richer and less drunk.
SHOOTOUT AT WADALAIt’s time for a huge testosterone dose. This is a true-story gangster fl ick about Mumbai city’s fi rst-ever encounter: Enter the deadly Manya Surve.Why Watch? The movie is based on a book and borrows from reality, so you’ll get a glimpse of what went down. The cast is really impressive—Anil Kapoor, John Abraham, Manoj Bajpai and Sonu Sood. Plus, item songs by Priyanka Chopra and Sunny Leone.
Go Goa Gone is being touted as India’s first zombie comedy or “zom-com.” (Who the fuck thinks these abbreviations up?) How did the idea come about?Well, the idea of a horror movie with zombies didn’t excite us, considering every zombie movie is, obviously, a horror flick. We wanted to do something different from the rest. Also, if you look at our previous films, we’re really strong on the humour front. We thought, ‘Why not play our strong part, which is humour, and merge it with a zombie film?’ That’s how this zom-com came about.
Do you think audiences will be open to this concept, considering it’s a relatively untapped genre in our country? And that too with a centre that lies in comedy.Well, we know zombies isn’t a very familiar concept here and that’s precisely the reason why we wanted to take it out there. It is a foreign subject on Indian soil, but the film is a ride for the audience. If you watch the movie, you’ll realise that the characters, just like the audience, are also discovering the entire concept of what a zombie is and learning as they move along.
We’re zombie genre fanatics. Would you say you have a sort of “first-mover” advantage?Definitely. There is a novelty factor because it’s a fresh concept and that’s what will probably attract the audience.
Whenever a movie presents a new concept, it must dig deep. What kind of preparation has gone into the making of this film, given all the undead? We’d say that the Indian audience, first of all, is very accepting. We see a hunger for something new. In fact, it’s a global phenomena. The industry the world over is evolving together, and there’s a global connect. And if the movie has good content, there’s no need to be nervous about a new concept.
You’ve made Shor In The City, 99 and Flavors, which were not typical Hindi masala flicks, to put it bluntly. Is Go Goa Gone a conscious effort to go somewhat mainstream?If you look at the concept, it’s not really mainstream.
Agreed, but it’s got Saif Ali Khan, a mainstream star. Does that make it as mainstream as it gets?Well, yeah. You know, every filmmaker wants his film to reach out to the widest possible audience,
and with Saif we think we’ll cross that bridge. So, yes, it’s definitely a conscious effort to take it to a bigger audience. But it’s not really in a “mainstream” way.
Your style of filmmaking is very urban, a bit dark and
mixed with doses of humour. The wave of tangential cinema
moving into the mainstream is at once exciting and scary. Do you
think filmmakers themselves are ready for a paradigm shift? Can
different styles coexist?Oh yes, there’s definitely a lot of space. The industry is evolving at a rapid rate and suddenly there’s immense creative freedom. Of course,
with the digital revolution and the prevalence of the internet,
the audience has also become much smarter and is ready to try
out new stuff in terms of what it is willing to watch in theatres.
Your new movie is also very stylised and the cut scenes look wild. And what the hell is up with Khan’s blonde hair? It looks very Grand Theft Auto. Ha! Well, Saif’s entire look is based on this gangsta sort of guy, straight out of a graphic novel. So you’ll see blonde hair, lots of tattoos and leather jackets. He plays a Russian mobster in the film, which in itself is a very weird idea. But we suspect there’s some truth to it because, as you may know, there are rumours that a Russian mafia may have existed—or still exists—in Goa. So we wanted to give Saif the same outlandish and exaggerated look and, thus, the blonde hair.
All your movies have a very strong sense of a particular city. It was Mumbai in Shor… and now Goa in the new one. Is that done consciously?Oh, wow! Well, we haven’t even given it a thought, actually. So, no, that’s not really conscious. But it gives the film a certain sense of belonging. Also, Go Goa Gone is based on an island off of Goa. So it’s not Goa per se.
What’s next? A com-zom-rom or a boom-room-zoom? (We can’t wait, in that case!) Will we hear some buzz soon?Yes, definitely. We have taken two years to make this film, so hopefully you’ll see us again very soon. We’re yet again working on something radically different for our next project.
ZOM�COM REDUX!
CIRCUS MAXIMUS CINEMASCOPE
NO CURE FOR IDIOCYEvolution didn’t take us all to the same level—women are the superior sex, we’re still the hairy buggers
and when it comes to using our brains, some of us are lagging far behind.
CALL THE BOUNCER!According to newspaper reports, MLA
Dinesh Kumar Singh dodged two levels of security on his way to the Bihar Legislative
Assembly and slipped in four bottles of liquor. He said he’d done it to demand a
ban on liquor in the state.
CAN YOU CURE IT? In Mangalore, the demand for “Gomutra
Arka”—a medicine distilled from cow urine—is reportedly on the rise. It is
believed to be an effective antidote for 109 diseases and disorders. If you’re about to
hurl, sorry. It won’t cure that.
GROUND IT!An Air India pilot’s craving for Jodhpur’s onion kachoris left a Mumbai-Delhi flight without a pilot for an hour. She refused to swap flights (from her scheduled Mumbai-Jodhpur-Delhi) because she had already
placed an order. Paging Capt. Glutton.
PAY IT IF YOU DARE!A Mumbai resident received a mobile bill for ̀ 13,18,47,813 from Dolphin network. It turned out to be a technical glitch and he soon received another message of regret and an “ignore if already paid.” He lives to
tell the tale, brave man.
34 MAY 2013
CIRCUS MAXIMUS BOOM
NAILED IT!Proving that Darwin’s “Survival of the Fittest” theory doesn’t always stand up to close examination, an unnamed man in the town of Masterton, New Zealand, wanted to find out if a nail gun could cut through bone. So, naturally, he put one to his head and pulled the trigger. “He walked into the hospital and was laughing about it,” said one nurse. The nail lodged in his skull just behind his nose, eventually costing him his vision in one eye. In an evolutionary twist, the man’s reproductive organs were unharmed.
DUMB�O�METERRate yourself now!
REAR�ENDED! A vicar in Sheffield, England,
insisted to the nurse on duty in the city’s Northern General Hospital that he’d merely been hanging up some curtains at home, in the nude, when
he accidentally slipped onto his kitchen table and ended up with a potato firmly lodged in his rectum.
EXACTLY HOW STUPID IS STUPID?
ALMOST THERE Tanning at a salon when there’s a
beach nearby stupid.JUST ABOUT
Showing off your abs wherever you go stupid.QUITE SO
Banging a grenade withSTDs stupid.
ALMOST PERFECTHeadbutting a cement wall stupid.
THE UPS & THE DOWNS
Who says you can’t convert fun into a reallyhigh-paying profession? We got a bona fide star to tell us how to bounce up... without having to worry
about coming back down.
You’ve probably heard of a show called Spartacus. And you’ve probably heard of the
trampoline. Well, combine the two and you get Liam McIntyre, the stabby ass-kicker who can rock the trampoline as much as the biggest arena. No, we’re serious!
PREPARE FOR PAIN “When I competed in college, we’d start with 20 minutes of light cardio and an hour of stretching. Then we’d head to the trampoline to practise a new move, 15 minutes at a time. The next day everything hurt.”
LEARN THE HARD WAY “I went halfway through a somersault, forgot how to go through the rest of
it, and dove toward the trampoline. I managed to tuck my head under before I snapped my neck. Turns out that’s actually a move!”
STARVE “You eat pretty much everything that’s normally too boring to eat. So if it has any flavour, you can’t have it. For breakfast, I would usually have porridge and a protein shake mixed together in a very interesting combination.”
WARN YOUR NUTS “The hardest part of the sport of trampolining is probably hitting the springs in your private parts. That is terrible! And check your sanity at the door, because you have to be kind of insane to get into this.”
“I will slay them… with fun!”
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CIRCUS MAXIMUS RUCKUS
GLAM, SLAM,THANK YOU, JAMS
Building a playlist is as easy as stealing one from the experts. You’re welcome. (And we’re not sorry!)
36 MAY 2013
CIRCUS MAXIMUS STAR TUNES
Any girl who brushes her teeth with Jack knows a thing or two about throwing down. So, naturally, it made sense to go
to Ke$ha, the one who’s travelled from dance to rock with the ease of a dolphin skimming the waves. Over to the not-just-Tik-Tok star, who’s grabbing eyeballs with her “My Crazy Beautiful Life” documentary, for the best rock
tunes this side of the... disco ball. Kiss your pansy party mixes goodbye, mate.
“Welcome To My Nightmare” by ALICE COOPERI like to call Alice “Dad.” He was my hero; now we’re friends, which is probably the best thing about being famous. His look is hot as shit, and no one is more rock or suits snakes and make-up better than Alice!
“War Pigs” by BLACK SABBATHI love Sabbath. In my car, in the desert, anywhere. This song is totally primal and heavy.
“Walk on the Wild Side” by LOU REEDThis song is not only close to perfect—it’s also a beau tiful celebration of the weird, the wild, and the wonderful that inspires me.
“Sweet Home Alabama” by LYNYRD SKYNYRDSkynyrd is another band that reminds me of home. One of the greatest songs ever!
“Love Is Like Oxygen” by SWEETUtterly amazing glam rock! I love Sweet. This and “Ballroom Blitz” are two of my all-time jams. Lyrically, this track is beautiful.
“She’s a Rainbow” by THE ROLLING STONESKeith Richards is a great style icon for me, and the Rolling Stones made magical music. This is a beautiful song.
“Never Say Never” by ROMEO VOIDSuper-underrated girl-fronted post-punk band from San Francisco. Perfect for rocking out in ripped stockings. (Dude, that’s for girls!)
“I Eat Cannibals” by TOTO COELOI am a cannibal who eats men, just like these hot bitches from the ’80s. Boys, be scared!
“Magic Dance” by DAVID BOWIEThis song from Labyrinth is superhot. I am in love with Jareth the Goblin King!
“Put Your Hands Up for Detroit” by FEDDELE GRAND An all-out party jam for getting down and dirty on the dance fl oor!
INDIE ALERT!
If you’re a rock musician in India, you’ve probably heard all the songs listed above. (If not, please do your homework!) But there
are few metal acts who wouldn’t list Slayer as an inspiration and, well, Midhaven is not among them. The new Mumbai-based band’s members— Aviraj, Abhishek, Shreyas and Karan—are all under 20,
which makes the fact that they have more than fi ve songs out there and performed to critical acclaim at a few gigs pretty damn impressive. Their sound is energetic, without seeming to try too hard.
There are fl ashes of inspiration from acts as deep as Bhayanak Maut and Reverrse Polarity (and, thanks to bands such as these, the metal scene is alive and kicking in India). We’re pretty much plugged in.
And then she rose... like a vision soaked in bourbon. Or was that us?
Go to maximindia.in for more playlists.
PHO
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FRANCE ONYOUR POD
Hit Europe where it hurts with these sterling picksfrom Thomas Mars of Phoenix, the French musicians who’ve gotten acclaim for their new album, Bankrupt! Call it the soundtrack to getting trashed... with class.
What’s the point of hitting the continent—that continent—if you’re not going to take away the one thing that sets them apart? No, not the food, but their own brand of Europop. Here’s what Mars says he’d add to the ultimate vacation playlist... without pause or purpose.
“Marche Des Pom la Cérémonie Turcs” by JEAN�BAPTISTE LULLY To party like it’s 1699. (No, seriously, this is one freaky track and sure to get more than a few enquiries.) “Swinging Party” by KINDNESSThis reminds me of Versailles, where we are from. “Heartbeats” by THE KNIFE To get people to dance. “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” by BRYAN FERRY Perfect for small talk. “Russian Attractions” by SEBASTIEN TELLIER Russians do parties the best. “Temptation” by NEW ORDER I love the fade-in and how it grabs your attention.
“Poor Napoleon” by ELVIS COSTELLOFor when the party is over.
Mars calling... don’t fucking fall off the stage!
CIRCUS MAXIMUS CONSOLE CONTROL
F O U R S C O R EThese games give you guns. You get the guts. On second thought, carry an extra pair of pants.
Because the action is wild and unforgiving.
FUSENo, this is not a game about electricians on a mission to unsheathe your CFLs. This is about a bad case of humans exploiting alien technology which, in this case, is Fuse. It is your job to retrieve it for... wait for it, the CIA. The game has a sterling multiplayer that revolves around assault and stealth, but the best part is that you can shift from one character to the other with the “LEAP” feature. It’s a hell of a lot of fun and lets you enjoy the title from a renewed stance. The gameplay is good and the look-and-feel are strong enough to take on any other title out there in the genre.WHY PLAY? The ability to take on diff erent roles at once is great, as is the pace of the game. The Fuse-based alien tech—which turns tame natural materials into hardcore destruction magnets—gives the game a new dimension to each of the weapons. If you’re like us, you need a new plug to the old guns. It’s like getting a chance to play the game your friend was playing... with bigger guns.
SNIPER ELITE
V2 At the risk of sounding
libelous, you could say that Hitler was history’s biggest asshole. So it makes perfect sense that a video game should allow you a virtual Hitler’s ass-stomping. Where Sniper Elite V2 scores high—apart from the amazing historical build-up of the environments—is that it puts you in the role of a sniper and the “Assassinate the Führer” DLC allows you to track down Hitler and put a bullet between his eyes. Actually, it goes one step further: You can put a bullet between pretty much anywhere, and then see an anatomically specifi c animation.WHY PLAY? Because it has anatomical perfection. And let us stop you right there: Yes, you can absolutely shoot a Nazi in his racist balls, and watch them explode. Now, we will admit that’s a thing you didn’t even know you wanted to see, and yet,
here it is, right here. Plus, who in hell
doesn’t want to be a sniper in
the virtual world?
ARMY OF TWO:THE DEVIL’S CARTEL
In true AoT style, the guns are large and the action fast-paced, but this
edition has few things going for it. Stripping away the pesky
plot from the previous games, The Devil’s
Cartel lets you and a
friend loose in Mexico to kick ass without having to worry about taking names. Though the game has killed off the hugely-popular competitive multiplayer mode—and removed the main characters in favour of the anonymous Alpha and Bravo—it has boosted the customisation options for loadouts and other gear. It makes sense to have a concentrated dose for the action, but the lack of a multiplayer takes away a good part of the fun from
the franchise. The “Overkill” mode, which grants you invincibility, makes a comeback here, however, and that makes for some sweet console savagery. WHY PLAY? The new fi repower and ammo the game musters. It is, however, for the die-hard AoT fan. Is it still good? Yes.
DRAGON’S DOGMA:
DARK ARISENMythology packs a punch,
especially since you’re entitled to bust up bad guys with impunity. Add
some dragons and evil kings to the mix, and you have a potent combo of fun, blood
and brain-bashing. A re-release of the successful Dragon’s Dogma, this title introduces a
meatier plot and characters who pack more skills and weapons. The enemies—now close to 30—are less likely to fall for your tricks and come back with some
bitchin’ weapons of their own. The environments have also been enhanced to add more drama and exploration to your quest, but it does feel like an overdose sometimes. It is, in fact, the fl eshing out of the characters that is more interesting than a cat trying to beat a pitbull. Take Julien, the shining knight, who is seen in a darker, more sinister light for a “good” character. (Also with more badass weapons than before, makes him a vicious warrior that even the hardiest of dragons would fear.) Or Mercedes, the fair maiden-turned-knight, who’s up to the challenge of driving the dragon out of Gransys. The character we like most is, of course, Madeleine, the almost-as-
good-as-a-mercenary who wants to move as far away from the Faith as possible. And, in doing so, has more skills than you’d bargained for. The underground taverns better be ready to get rumbled, because DD:DA is just that sort of game.WHY PLAY? If you like knights, dragons and an age when cleavage was king (err... queen!), you wouldn’t really be asking this question. But since you did, you can be sure that the gameplay is rad.
38 MAY 2013
VILLAINS UNLTD. The roster of bad guys from Batman: Arkham Origins
is enough to make you want to switch sides.
The fi ne folks over at Game Informer helped us with some details about the next Arkham
game, Batman: Arkham Origins. It’s fair to say we liked the fi rst two games (read: Played them until we found ourselves unable to walk into a room without leaping on top of a cupboard to scan for heavily-armed clowns).
With what we’ve understood, the game revolves around Batman’s fi rst meeting with eight of his deadliest foes, each of whom is an assassin. While the developers have their own list, ����� took it upon itself to suggest some candidates with passion (read: Sitting at our desk, eating chips).
Ra’s al Ghul He played a pretty big part in Arkham City, and since he’s the founder of the League Of Assassins, it’s probably a safe bet that he’ll somehow be involved. But since this is an origin story, will he still be rocking his amazing soul patch?
Sensei The former leader of the League Of Assassins, he’s obsessed with offi ng dudes to the point where he considers assassination an art form. If he appears, expect to hear a lot of grandiose monologues before slapping him upside on the head with a batarang. Still, who could resist including an aging martial arts master who looks like Kill Bill II’s Pai Mei?
Merlyn For all intents and purposes, Merlyn is the evil Green Arrow, a fact easily gleaned from the fact he dresses exactly like Green Arrow, but in black, and with an even pointier beard. He’s not terribly famous, but he seems like a satisfying bad guy to slap senselessly and throw off a rooftop, so include him.
Deadshot Another character with a hefty side mission in Arkham City, Floyd “Deadshot” Lawton is DC’s second most recognisable assassin (after Deathstroke).
Whisper A’Daire This one’s only shown up a few times in comics over the years, admittedly, but the former agent for Ra’s al Ghul has the power to transform into a giant snake woman, which, let’s face it, has exactly the right combination of weirdness, violence, and uncomfortable sexuality that we’ve come to expect from this series. Also, her partner turns into a wolf, and who wouldn’t want to beat up a werewolf as Batman.
Prometheus Teased with a brief appearance on a wanted poster in Arkham City, Prometheus—who is essentially Batman as a bad guy—took apart the entire Justice League in his fi rst appearance, so his villain credentials are solid. And Batman did defeat him, so he will have a game.
Bronze Tiger A martial arts master and, ordinarily, a superhero, Bronze Tiger was brainwashed by the League of Assassins and spent many kill-happy years murdering people. The potential inherent in Batman trying to save the good-guy-gone-lunatic is a plus, but we’d like him in here. Also because grown men in orange spandex with life-size tiger heads are awesome.
KGBeast With the best Cold War name of any villain, this Russian assassin—named after the erstwhile Soviet intelligence agency—wears a luchador mask and has a gun for a hand, which is pretty promising.TE
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“I miss the old days... when the
Joker was the only crazy one!”
CIRCUS MAXIMUS HOMETOWN HOTTIES
THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO
MAKE IT TO THIS PAGE?Send a full-length pic and contact details to
[email protected] log on to
facebook.com/maximonline.indiaFAME AWAITS!
40 MAY 2013
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She hails from Rajasthan, so heat is not new for her. But POONAM PANDEY sure is making us familiar with the concept. Just look to the left.
A fi rm believer in positivity, this hottie not only has killer looks, but a genuine heart too. So all of you who thought that fl ashing your dough is the only way with her, kill yourselves. Poonam volunteers with an NGO, but don’t label her just yet. A good heart doesn’t mean she can’t be naughty. But to see that side you have to be in great shape. She has no qualms in teaching you if you’re lacking in the kissing skills department, but if you’re out of shape she won’t even glance at you. Phew! Beauties can be so demanding. She loves a guy with a great sense of humour, though. So at least you can pretend to be funny.
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ADVANCED MAN SKILLS
�RESULTS GUARANTEED�
THE HANGOVER OVERCOMEWICH Bottom Bread Go with a burger bun brushed with some butter and grilled.
Meat A piece of medium-rare tenderloin, or mutton or lamb steak.Eggs On top of that go two fried eggs with runny yolks.
Spices and Sauce Next, sprinkle some sea salt and fresh black pepper. Then add the green coriander or mint chutney from any restaurant (or get a bottle of it).
Bacon Two strips of smoked bacon, but cut each in half to make four. Make sure they’re a thick cut—no wimpy bacon.Cheese On that bacon, melt mozzarella cheese and white cheddar.
Avocado Sliced, really ripe, bright green, and super creamy. Then, on top of that, another slight sprinkling of sea salt. Hot Sauce Drizzle a little bit of Tabasco sauce or the superhot sauce from Nandos.
Top Bread Twist that sandwich down so the egg yolk mixes with the other sauces and coats the bacon and meat below it. Side Order? You could also put them in the sandwich, but a side of good diner French fries—the thickness of a man’s finger—
and a fountain cola. A big-ass glass. Avoid adding rum or vodka to it. (Hey, you’re nursing a hangover!)
Trying to eat this page is understandable, but you’ll get some nasty paper cuts.
“ What a (carb) ride!”
GURU CHOMPS!
Sandeep Panwar, Executive Chef at The Metropolitan Hotel & Spa, New Delhi, is the man you should thank for solving your hangover and hunger problems. EAT LIKE A KING with
EGGTASTICWICHGet These!
Sesame bun + 800 gm Tenderloin mince + 100 gm Onion (chopped finely)
+ 20 gm Leeks (chopped finely) + 50 gm Celery + Salt to taste + 12 gm Black
Pepper + 3 tbsp HP sauce + 50 gm Iceberg + 2 Tomato slices +
2 Cucumber slices + 2 Gherkin slices + 2 Onion Rings + 4 Eggs +
25 ml Vegetable oil + Mayo
Make It!Heat oil in a pan. Add onions and sauté till translucent. Add leeks
followed by celery, sauté till soft. Take off fire and cool. Add this to tenderloin mince plus seasoning and HP sauce. Divide into four and shape into round
patties. Cook a patty on a hot plate and toast the bun lightly. Try not to burn your fingers. Apply mayo, top
with iceberg, tomatoes and cucumbers. Place the cooked patty on
top. Add fried eggs (cooked sunny side up). Serve with fries and a smile.
COCKADOODLEWICHGet These!
Sesame bun + 800 gm Chicken leg mince + 100 gm Onion (chopped finely)
+ 50 gm Carrot (chopped finely) + 50 gm Celery + Salt to taste +
12 gm Black Pepper + 1�⁄₂ gm Lettuce + 25 gm Rocket leaves + 2 Tomato slices + 2 Cucumber slices + 2 Gherkin slices + 2 Onion rings + 25 ml Vegetable oil +
Mayo
Make It!Heat oil in a pan. Add onions and sauté till translucent. Add carrots
followed by celery, sauté till soft. Take off fire and cool. Add this to chicken
mince plus seasoning. Divide into four and shape into round patties. Cook
the patty on a hot plate, taking care not to burn. In the meantime, cut the bun into two halves, toast lightly. Apply
mayo, top with lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. Place cooked patty and
rocket leaves on top. Serve hot, accompanied with French fries,
mustard sauce and a cola.
VEGGIEMIGHTYWICHGet These!
Whole Wheat bun + 100 gm Potatoes (boiled) + 150 gm Carrot (diced) +
150 gm Beans (chopped) + 150 gm Cauliflower (grated coarsely) +
50 gm Cabbage (chopped) + 200 gm Nutrela + Salt to taste +
12 gm Curry powder + 50 gm Iceberg + 2 Tomato slices + 2 Cucumber slices +
2 Gherkin slices + 2 Onion rings + 60 gm Fresh crumbs +
25 ml Vegetable oil + Mayo
Make It!Heat oil in a pan. Add carrots, beans, cauliflower, cabbage and sauté till soft. Add curry powder, cumin and
seasoning. Take off fire and cool. Soak Nutrela granules in warm water till soft
and swollen. Drain and squeeze as much water out as possible. Add vegetables, soya, grated boiled
potato, and mix. Divide into four and shape into round patties. Cook ’em
and toast buns. Apply mayo, top with iceberg, tomatoes and cucumbers.
Add the patty. Serve with fresh fruits, and a milkshake.
To cure the most painful effects of that power-bomb of a cocktail you finished last night, make a burger or sandwich that will help you and your stomach go through the day. For those of you who
run away from meat, there are variants both equally effective and equally appetising!
MAY 2013 43
TROT WORTHYStrengthen your core and power up your legs like the galloping dudes of T20 cricket.
He believes he can fly.
GURU FITNESS
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44 MAY 2013
SINGLE LEG LOWERINGBegin by lying supine (face up) and flex both hips to 90 degrees with legs up straight. Toes should be dorsi-flexed (toes towards shins) and arms extended at your side. Lower one leg to the floor while maintaining a neutral spine position (your navel drawn in). Return to starting position. Alternate legs, and try to bang out 20 reps per leg. Wear blinkers.
GLUTE BRIDGE MARCHLie on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Rest your arms on the floor with palms facing up. Raise your hips so your body forms a straight line from your shoulders to your knees. Brace your abs and lift your right knee towards your chest. Hold for two counts, then lower your right foot. Repeat with the other leg. Do 20 reps. Try not to ask for gram.
SINGLE LEG SQUATStand with arms extended in front. Balance on one leg with opposite leg extended straight ahead as high as possible. Squat down while keeping your leg elevated off the floor. Keep your back straight and the supporting knee pointed in the same direction as your foot. Raise your body back up to the original position until knee and hip of supporting leg are straight. Return and repeat with opposite leg. Bray. No, pray.
BRACED SQUATGrab a weight plate in front of your chest with your arms straight. Stand as tall as you can with your feet spread shoulder-width apart. Your lower back should be naturally arched. Brace your core and hold it that way. Lower your body as far as you can by pushing your hips back and bending your knees. The tops of your thighs should be parallel to the floor. Pause, then slowly return to the starting position.
46 MAY 2013
SNIFFWORTHY
GURU GROOMING
SET WET STYLE Cool, `150
WILD STO
NE Ultra
Sensual, `16
0
CHROME AZZARO, `1,3
40
THE BODY SHOP Maca Root , `
750
SHADES, `250
TERRE D’ HERMES, `2,475
TOP TIPS When picking a
deo, stick to a non-intrusive scent that does not clash
with your fragrance.
Don’t fall for that 24-hour nonsense. You should refresh your deo every six
hours or so for best results. And by “best
results” we mean reducing the
distance people keep from you.
Banish that B.O. with these deodorants. This page has been published in the public interest.Photograph ANWITA + ARUN Styling COOKIE SINGH
GURU GROOMING
“The only thing that turns me on more than actual sex is the memory of really great sex,” says Tanya*, 27. “So when my boyfriend and I are texting late at night and he starts recounting dirty memories, I get so aroused! He’ll start by telling me how hard he got while undressing me, then get to how hot my wet pussy felt sliding against him. I feel like we’re actually in bed together.” Just be sure to keep up the pace: No one wants to wait 20 minutes between sexts while you’re wrapping up a game of Assassin’s Creed.
Ease Up, Erecto!Don’t feel like you need to sound like a porn star. Most women say they want their guys to sound natural. “I know who you are, so just be yourself!” says Reena*, 25. “I was dating this shy guy I hadn’t slept with yet, and then during one of our fl irty exchanges he asked me what he could do to make me feel good. A simple question was even hot ter than if he’d come out guns blazing, because I could totally picture him saying that.”
With this in mind, be sure to avoid weird acronyms (“IAYM” means “I am your master”—WTF?) and emoticons. “I was in the middle of a steamy back and forth with this guy, then all of a sudden he threw in one of those smiley faces with the tongue sticking out,” Neha*, 29, shares. “It kind of weirded me out.” Think about it: Do you LOL and wink during sex? No! Should you? Are you crazy? TE
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SEXTING SCHOOL: BONE UP, GENTS!
Women reveal that sometimes there’s nothing sexier than letting your fi ngers do the talking.We took notes so you can get naughty.
Yes, more than a few high-profi le wieners (not to mention idiots) have shown that this
hobby can be hazardous to your career, but don’t let that deter you—women want it! Done right, sexting makes your girl feel hot, horny and uninhibited. So we got some real ladies to share their experiences. Listen in on what women want and then start manning the phone! Word to the wise: By phone, we mean your phone. And by manning up, we mean no underhanded tricks. You get the drift, right?
How To InitiateThe fi rst dirty text is always the hardest part. So kick things off by being playful. Anita*, 25, sets the tone with a little game she invented: “Does your tie match my underwear?” “The guy I was dating would send me a picture of his tie, and then I’d send him one of my lingerie. It started out with just a bra strap, but soon I was running into the work bathroom to take a picture of my panties. It was a good way to begin, because if you immediately send a photo of a penis, where do you really go from there?” she reasons, and rightly so.
Also make sure you utilise the power of memory. Start by referencing something you’ve already done—from the general (“I can’t stop thinking about last Friday”) to the specifi c (“You looked so sexy when you were riding me”). Creating an image in her mind is the basic idea.
The term ������� has been added to the dictionary, so why not add sizzle to the summer by introducing it to your smartphone? In an age when a Facebook poke can equal foreplay, a sext can get downright kinky.48 MAY 2013
GURU SEX
Getting GraphicWhile guys may be the more visually excitable of the sexes, there’s good news: Girls are as turned on by taking pictures as guys are from receiving them. “I get really aroused when my boyfriend asks me to take a pic of myself while I’m somewhere unexpected, like out shopping or at a restaurant,” says Karishma*, 26. “Sneaking into the rest room and taking naughty photos gives me such a rush. It’s unbeatable!”
Megha*, 29, loves snapping photographs for another reason: “It defi nitely makes me feel desired. My ex was an ass person, so I knew that pulling up my skirt and taking a back wards shot in the mirror would get him going. I did that so much. It made me feel aroused as well. It’s a diff erent kind of high!”
That’s not to say there aren’t plenty of women who yearn for a full-on photo of what’s down below. “I love seeing how excited my boyfriend is when he thinks of me,” shares Deepa*, 27. “If we’re having a sexy exchange and he’s telling me how hard I’m making him, I want to see it, and I feel especially turned on that it’s all mine.”
Still, there may come a day when you’re not together and you don’t want it traced back to
Use The ForceBy now you should know that women are into this thing called foreplay, so let your phone get things going before you even see her. “After a business trip, I texted my boyfriend that I had landed and was going home to get some rest,” says Nikita*, 28. “He replied that he was dying to go down on me, describing how he’d press his tongue against my clit and slide his fi nger in and out. I ended up going to his place, and we had the hottest quickie ever.” And that’s just one of the girls we spoke to. Kiran*, 32, says she and her husband often do that before they get home from work. “That, and a pair of sexy panties when I greet him,” she says.
A lot of girls love sexting because it builds anticipation for the actual event, whereas Skype and phone sex are more about immediate gratifi cation. “I would usually meet my boyfriend for dinner after my seven o’clock yoga class,” says Shruti*, 29. “But one night my phone kept vibrating with texts about how horny he was and how the only thing he really wanted to do was fuck me in the backseat of his car. We skipped dinner that night.”
BLAKE LIVELYSpotted: Blake allegedly
taking seductive photos with her iPhone. Thanks again,
Steve Jobs.
RIHANNAHas not been shy about putting
saucy words and images out there. She says man down.
We say man up.
KAT DENNINGSNow we’re not only in lovewith her beautiful big lips.
We are also in love with her beautiful, big... bed!
SCARLETT JOHANSSONA rare case of the reality far
exceeding our wildest expectations. But still, uncool, dude who hacked her phone!
CHRISTINA AGUILERAWe weren’t too surprised
by this one. We already knew that Xtina likes to get a
little “Dirrty.”
MAY 2013 49
IGBIS“It gets bigger, I swear.”
THNHTMB“This has never happened to me
before.”
BOYF“Balls on your face!”
PAH“Parents are home!”
DTCALMV“Does this count as losing my virginity?”
III“Is it in?”
IWYCBIOMRN“I wish you could be
inside of me right now.”
IASHRN“I am so hard right
now.”
SEX ISN’T ALWAYS SEXY! HERE ARE SOME USEFUL
ACRONYMS FOR SEXTING WITH A
DOSE OF REALISM.
SEXTING SHORTHAND
C E L E B D R E A M S E X T E R SThanks to technology, we know that the hot and the famous get frisky, too!
you. Luckily, there’s an easy solution: Keep your face out of the photo. “One of the sexiest pics I have of my boyfriend is a self-snapped post-workout photo,” says Nikita. “It’s just his sweaty chest captioned with ‘Hi, honey!’ It’s hot enough to turn me on but not totally humiliating if, like, my mom or one of my roommates saw it.”
Still feel like sexting may be too risqué for you and your girl? It’s never too late to start. “I was with my boyfriend for two years before we started sexting,” shares Kiran. “One night when he was out with his friends, he wrote, ‘You are so sexy, why aren’t we in bed together?’ I don’t know if it was the booze talking, but we’ve been sexting ever since. And, we were in bed an hour later, too.”
There’s no shame in starting small. “When I was studying abroad, my guy wrote, ‘I wish I could see you right now,’ ” says Ashima*, 29. “Just hearing that he missed me was enough to make me take my clothes off and send something steamy his way.” The number one advice from ladies? Don’t be shy! You’re already tech-savvy, so get tech-sexy; you’ll probably get what you’ve been hoping for. But respect her privacy.
FULL DAY ON THE HIGH�WAY
We got Guinness World Record holder and mixologistKapil Singh Thapa of LEMP Brew Pub and Kitchen, Gurgaon, to give you drinks that last a full day!
Breakfast CocktailMELONTINI
Mix It Up 45 ml Vodka + 10 Pieces of fresh
Watermelon + 30 ml Sweet & Sour mixMake It MUDDLED
Muddle the fresh watermelon chunks. Add Sweet & Sour mix and vodka,
shake well. Double strain and serve in a chilled Martini glass.
Dinner CocktailDEADLY SANGRIA
Mix It Up 90 ml Red wine + 15 ml White rum + 15 ml Triple
Sec + 5 ml fresh Lime juice + Fresh cut fruitsMake It BUILD�UP
Put everything into a red wine glass,stir well and serve chilled.
Post-Dinner CocktailLOVER LEAF
Mix It Up 60 ml Irish whiskey + 2
barspoons Brown sugar + 120 ml hot
Black coffee + 30 ml fresh
Whipped creamMake It BUILD�UP
Make a sugar rim on an Irish coffee glass. Mix 2 barspoons of brown
sugar with the whiskey. Flame it and add black coffee. Float whipped
cream on top.
WHETHER IT IS MORNING, AFTERNOON, EVENING OR NIGHT, THERE’S A DRINK FOR EVERY TIME AND EVERY OCCASION. BEING SOBER IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE.
50 MAY 2013
GURU BOOZE CLOCK
Lunch CocktailMOON LIGHTNING
Mix It Up 60 ml Vodka + 10 chunks of fresh Watermelon + 15 ml Rose syrup + 8 fresh Mint leaves + 30 ml Sweet & Sour MixMake It MUDDLEDMuddle the fresh watermelon chunks and fresh mint leaves. Add Sweet & Sour mix, vodka, and rose syrup. Stir well. Add crushed ice. Serve in a Mojito glass. Garnish with rose petals if you’re expecting girls or feeling romantic with your hand.
Evening CocktailBEER CYCLONE
Mix It Up 15 ml White rum + 15 ml Vodka
+ 15 ml Gin + 15 ml Tequila + 90 ml Beer + 5 chunks of
Apple + 8 fresh Mint leavesMake It MUDDLED
Muddle the apple chunks and mint leaves. Add the rest of
the ingredients and some ice cubes. Top with beer.
MAY 2013 51
by MARC SPITZ
i llustration by JOHN UELAND
The brash, off ensive and
brilliant oral history of the
Comedy Central Roast.
MAY 2013 53
roasts on the network. The partnership lasted a few years, skewering the likes of Drew Carey, Hugh Hefner and Chevy Chase before Comedy Central decided to go out on its own with the inaugural Comedy Central Roast in 2003, featuring roastee Denis Leary.
Doug Herzog: Denis Leary is a gigantic fan of Dean Martin, and I think he wanted to re-create that Rat Pack vibe.
Denis Leary (roastee, producer): Once my career took off , I became friends with Dean, which was really weird. He reached out and said, “Come to my house for dinner.” Still, to this day, it’s the biggest deal to me, even though he called me a pussy for nursing a beer the entire night. Anyway, with the roasts we were gonna inject some new blood into it. The set. The music. Sort of rock’n’roll.
With Leary on board, the stars came out: Kiefer Sutherland, Elizabeth Hurley, Christopher Walken, Jon Stewart, Conan O’Brien. The dais also showcased comics from the Boston stand-up scene where Leary began: Lenny Clarke, Nick DiPaolo, and a young Dane Cook. Jeff Garlin served as Roastmaster. The Leary roast was raw in a way the others hadn’t been.
Denis Leary: The harder they hit you, the more info about them you’ll break out. Co-medians bust each other’s balls, and I come from that neighbourhood, so busting balls is everything.
Nick DiPaolo (roaster): What I found most awkward is that I’m ripping people whose careers were 40 times more successful than
mine. But if you’re a decent comic, a roast is easy. You don’t have to learn insults. It’s in your DNA.
The odd mix of stars, up-and-comers, has-beens, and never-weres continued in the second roast, produced by Leary and “honouring” Jeff Foxwor-thy, who was coming off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with fellow “clean” comics Bill Engvall, Ron White and Larry the Cable Guy.
Jeff Foxworthy (roastee): They were paying me good money to do it, so I thought, Yeah, I’ll let ’em roast me, and I’ll give the money to charity.
Denis Leary: Jeff is a really sweet guy, and he got wind that Bill Engvall and a couple of his Blue Collar buddies were going to be on, so he seemed a little like, “Hey, this is gonna be great!” And I said, “Hang on a second. You better be prepared.”
Jeff Foxworthy: Five minutes into the roast, I remember thinking, If my mother is watching this—the EMTs have her on the fl oor pumping her chest right now…
Bill Engvall (roastmaster, roaster): I love a good dirty joke as much as the next person, but after an hour of it? Good night! Stuff I’d be hesitant to say in a poker game with my buddies, all of a sudden people are just bab-bling on TV? I was sitting right next to Jeff , and I could feel his uneasiness.
Jeff Foxworthy: Ron White called my moustache “prison pussy.” That would have been the one that sent my mom off the couch and into the coff ee table.
Gilbert Gottfried (roaster): I watched the Dean Martin roasts. Back then mentioning a nudist colony counted as a dirty joke. Just saying something like “sleeping in the nude” was like talking about the strangest, most perverted act.
Doug Herzog (former president of Comedy Central, now president of Viacom Entertainment Group): In 1995, I’d come over to Comedy Central from MTV, where there were events like the VMAs and Spring Break. I thought, We need a comedy event. A one-night-only kind of thing. I grew up watching the Dean Martin roasts, so that was at the back of my mind. And living in New York, I’d some-times attend the Friars roasts. They were fi lthy. Unairable. We had to fi gure out a way to combine the two.
A deal was brokered between Comedy Central and the Friars to broadcast the latter’s annual
Snoop at Trump’s roast: “Donald wants to run for president and move on into the White House.Why not? It wouldn’t be the fi rst time you pushed a black family out of their home.”
IS AS OLD AS TV ITSELF: TAKE A STAR, ONE WHO’S BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE FRIENDS AND ENE MIES. SIT THEM ON A THRONE. WHEEL IN A PODIUM AND A WET BAR. AND REMOVE GLOVES. YOU HIT THAT RESILIENT, BELOVED FIGURE WITH HARD TRUTHS, COLD LIES AND RAW ABUSE. THE STAR FEELS BRUISED AND DIZZY BUT SOMEHOW HONOURED, AND EVERYONE WALKS AWAY HAPPY. BY 2003, THE OLD RITUAL WAS DEAD, BUT A DECADE ON, COMEDY CENTRAL’S IMPROBABLE MODERNISATION OF THE ROAST IS NOW BOTH A RELIABLE VIEWERSHIP JUGGERNAUT AND THE GREATEST COMEDIC�TALENT�BREAKING PLATFORM SINCE THE JOHNNY CARSON�ERA TONIGHT SHOW OR SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. STILL, BACK IN THE MID�1990S, THE MENTION OF A “CELEBRITY ROAST” BROUGHT TO MIND EITHER THE ANNUAL NEW YORK FRIARS CLUB ROAST �FIERCELY PRIVATE AND OFTEN FILTHY� OR THE DEAN MARTIN CELEBRITY ROASTS �SHTICKY, CORNY BLACK�TIE AFFAIRS TELEVISED ON NBC IN THE ’70S AND EARLY ’80S�. IN OTHER WORDS, ROASTS WERE NOT HIP.
54 MAY 2013
Larry the Cable Guy (roaster, roastee): I don’t mind dick jokes. I don’t mind it if it’s dirty, but if it’s dirty just to be dirty…
After the Foxworthy roast, production moved from New York to L.A. to honour Pamela An-derson and introduced a bigger stage and bigger stars. Herzog fi nally had his tent-pole event, complete with a new “Roastmaster General” in Jeff Ross and a hot mess in Courtney Love.
Anthony Jeselnik (writer, roaster): Ross is like the fucking Godfather.
Joan Rivers (roastee): I think Jeff Ross should have emerged years and years ago. He’s had a long wait.
Jeff Ross (roaster): The “Roastmaster General” was something I think Jimmy Kim-mel called me fi rst. I feel like it’s more of a nickname than a title.
Joel Gallen (executive producer and director): Courtney Love was one of the fi rst people Pam wanted on the show; at the time they were buddies. Courtney was not an easy booking—she passed a few times.
Nick DiPaolo: She had supposedly kicked heroin, but she was sweating like Moses Malone at the foul line.
Lisa Lampanelli (roaster): I don’t drink; never have. I’m no nun. My addictions have always been food and men. But the Pam Anderson roast sucked because Courtney Love was wasted! Still, she acted like such a fool, it made CNN, and everyone watched the roast.
But with Anderson, and subsequent roastees like William Shatner, producers would learn just how far was too far.
Lisa Lampanelli: During the Pam Ander-son roast, some comic went on a tirade about Pam’s vagina, and it was just not funny. There’s nothing funnier than a good
vag joke, but it went on way too long and every joke was lousy. She honestly looked like she was going to tear up, and I was so angry. I saw her look at Tommy Lee, and he mouthed to her, “Are you OK?”
Anthony Jeselnik: With Shatner, his wife had drowned, so of course I wouldn’t fucking bring that up. When Mike Tyson was on—don’t make fun of Mike’s kid who died on a treadmill. Of fucking course not. As mean as I am with these things, I never make fun of a dead kid or a dead relative.
William Shatner (roastee): [Being roasted] sounds like great fun, and ultimately it is, but unless you’re set mentally and emo-tionally, it could have a nightmarish quality to it. It could be like a bad dream where people are poking fun at you in public. It’s not diff erent from being in a torrid love af-fair—just let yourself go…
Jeff Ross: At the Shatner roast, I had some jokes about Farrah Fawcett, how I was in love with her as a kid and how I had her poster and would fantasise to her, and then I said, “But now you look like…” whatever—jokes about her being old and ugly. I get there, and she’s old, but she looked fantas-
Flavor Flav (roastee): It was onlylater that I realised I came fromthis world. I was born and raised“playing the dozens,” and honestly,my fi rst time having a roast, I didn’tactually know what it consisted of.If I’d known it consisted of me beingable to tell my own jokes and do mything and just play the dozens? Oh, man,I would have creamed those guys. I really wanna do a part two. And I wanna call it Flav’s Revenge.
For the next roast, honouring Bob Saget, produc-ers fi lled the stage with heavy-hitting comics like Norm Macdonald, Gottfried, Greg Giraldo,
At the Hasselhoff roast, Hogan was the “dumb blonde with huge tits,” according to Pam Anderson.At his roast, Sheen displayed a high tolerance for verbal abuse.
“Comedians are comedians. We’re comedians before we’re
Jewish or Italian or Irish or black.We’re comedians—that’s
our family, that’s our religion.” —���� ����
tic! The 12-year-old in me came out, and I got shy and said, “I’m not calling her an old beast and an old hag. She’s gorgeous! I still want to fuck her.” As with the Pam Anderson roast before it, the Flavor Flav roast in 2007 posed a challenge to make sure that the dais presented a good bal-ance, both racially and sexually.
Doug Herzog: I’m always personally very conscious when we have women—it can’t be a dais full of guys. That just feels bad. Keep-ing a balance is important.
Jeff Ross: The Flav roast was coming off the year of the terrible Michael Richards thing, where he kept yelling the N-word in a comedy club. Racial humour was really under a microscope.
Joel Gallen: Flavor Flav’s comedic timing was so hyper at that point, and he was so nervous, that even though we worked with him on the best way to deliver a joke, I remember him laughing almost before he’d deliver the punch line. We had to work some pretty major surgery in editing.
56 MAY 2013
Ross, Jim Norton, Susie Essman, Jon Lovitz, Sarah Silverman, Lewis Black, and the king of the insult comics, Don Rickles.
Bob Saget (roastee): I was pensive at fi rst, wondering what factor they were going to rip apart the most. They always go after your career—or whatever lascivious behav-iour you’re known for. But in this case I was concerned about people I’ve worked with. Especially the young people.
While there was no shortage of Olsen twins jokes, the highlight of Saget’s roast was when pal Norm Macdonald returned, briefl y, to the corny, prime-time-safe humour of a more innocent age: “You’ll never be over the hill, not in the car you drive.” “She may be a vegetarian, but she’s still full of baloney in my book.” Not everyone grasped the concept. Those who did were in tears.
Bob Saget: He made a creative choice. I talked to him the week before. I said, “Norm, what do you want to do?” and he said, “Aw, I can’t make fun of my buddy. I’m just gonna tell old jokes. Really bad old jokes. Jokes from, like, 200 years ago.”
Jon Lovitz (roaster): He was just doing it to be diff erent from everybody else. “They’re being as dirty as they can? I’ll tell the corni-est jokes possible!”
Filling the “crazy old lady” spot was Oscar-winning actress Cloris Leachman, who reminded many of her comedy cred.
Bob Saget: “I am not here to roast Bob Saget. I’m here to fuck John Stamos!” That’s something you want to read under some-one at Mount Rushmore, a very lovely and iconic thing.
Cloris Leachman (roaster): I didn’t even know who Saget was. Or John Stamos. You get a call from your agent—they deal with it. I show up, walk in, and read. Period. It levelled the room. It levelled me too.
The next few roasts, skewering Larry the Cable Guy, Joan Rivers, and David Hasselhoff , featured the usual mix of celebs and roast stars, including Ross, DiPaolo, Giraldo, and up-and-comers like Whitney Cummings.
Doug Herzog: No matter who it is, there are a few things you know about that per-son, and that will inform every joke. With Hasselhoff it’s Baywatch… hamburgers…
Jon Lovitz: That guy is one of the most talented people ever in Hollywood.
Jonas Larsen (senior VP of Comedy Central specials): As a matter of fact, we’re not only gratifi ed, we take full credit. When Seth got the Oscars gig, I sent his manager an e-mail that said, “You’re welcome.”
Shortly after the Hasselhoff roast, tragedy struck with the overdose of roast regular Giraldo, who’d long fought addiction.
Lisa Lampanelli: I had my issues with Greg. It’s documented that Greg had serious drug and alcohol problems.
Barry Katz (talent manager): Greg was in his own battle. For him it was weird. He was a guy who was so well-respected, but for some reason, career-wise, it just wasn’t hap-pening the way it should have.
Jeff Ross: Comedians are comedians. We’re comedians before we’re Jewish or Italian or Irish or black. We’re comedians—that’s
Andy Dick breaks the ice with Pam Anderson and her fl oatation devices; Courtney Love rocks the scene in a moment of complete coherence (at least Jimmy Kimmel likes it); William Shatner gets zinged by his Star Trek crew.
Gilbert Gottfried: The Hasselhoff roast was an extra treat, not only because I could do jokes about David Hasselhoff , but, since he’s beloved in Germany, I could throw in a few Holocaust jokes.
The Hasselhoff roast saw the rise of Roast master Seth MacFarlane. Known at that point only for Family Guy, he would emerge as the quintes-sential master of ceremonies (before going on to host Saturday Night Live and, more recently, the 2013 Academy Awards).
Doug Herzog: He brings that Dean Martin, Rat Pack, martini, tuxedo vibe. We like to think we were his stepping stone.
our family, that’s our religion. When you’re working at the level that Greg was, a lot of people care about you. We don’t get over it, but we get as close as we can by doing another roast.
Gilbert Gottfried: When I heard about Greg, I immediately tweeted “If Greg Giraldo is cremated, will that be the Greg Gi-raldo roast?” It seemed like a fi tting tribute to a roaster. It was sad, but you had to make jokes about it anyway.
The roast of Donald Trump in 2011 saw a move back to NYC and the biggest bomb in the show’s history, thanks to Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino.
“ ‘I am not here to roast Bob Saget. I’m here to fuck
John Stamos!’ That’s something you want to read under someone
at Mount Rushmore.”—��� �����
move back ’s history,no.
58 MAY 2013
Donald Trump (roastee): They’d approached me a number of times—and eventually I said yes. I knew what I was getting into, but I also knew that we would raise a tremen-dous amount of money for charity. We raised a million dollars.
Lisa Lampanelli: When the Situation went up, I was sweating like Sandusky at a Cub Scout meeting. But he’s so frickin’ delusion-al, he comes up afterward and says, “That was pretty good, right?” I said to myself, “Dude, you got booed so loud [roaster] Marlee Matlin heard it, all right?”
Joel Gallen: He just was not funny. Didn’t get how to deliver a joke.
Donald Trump: I thought he was terrifi c, frankly. He was so uncomfortable that it really became funny. But he took a tremen-dous amount of abuse.
Perhaps the greatest endorsement of the Roasts’ reach and power arrived later that year, courtesy of the “Warlock From Mars” himself, Charlie Sheen, who turned to the dais to neutralise his unprecedented public meltdown.
Doug Herzog: Charlie Sheen was one of the guys we asked for years who said no, so that was like roast-Christmas.
Jon Lovitz: With Charlie it was kind oflike, “Roast me because I really haveacted up, and I have a sense of humour about myself.”
Anthony Jeselnik: Sheen was a smart guy who knew how to play it. He handled the roast perfectly.
Jonas Larsen: Almost instantaneously, his scandal went away. Once he went out and took every hit based on the spectacular fi ve months of entertainment that he provided, it went away. It became the perfect place for him to wipe the slate clean and get on with his career. The highlight of Sheen’s roast was Patrice O’Neal, who, with more people watching than ever before, went on the attack.
Joel Gallen: We put him near the end of the show and [after getting hit] he shifted his gears and started roasting the roast. When a comedian can do that in the moment, it’s brilliant. Not everything that he said was hilarious. But it was really honest.
Amy Schumer (roaster): I was like, I’m going to bring it the hardest to him, and I’m going to say the meanest jokes I think of
(“Tonight is not just the roast of Charlie Sheen; it’s also a farewell party for Patrice’s foot”). He was very, very proud of me and made me feel like I impressed him that night.
William Shatner: When we went out to the parking lot, I knew Patrice had diabetes, but I didn’t know it was fatal. As we’re waiting for the car, we start talking about life and death, and he starts to weep. And then I realised he knew how close he was to dying, and that last moment we were holding each other and crying.
O’Neal suff ered a stroke a month later and passed away in November. With the loss of him and Giraldo, the roasts seemed to take a softer turn with the roast of Roseanne Barr in 2012, notnecessarily for the better. Lisa Lampanelli: I didn’t like it going kinder and gentler. I thought, This is going to be a ratings stinker. And it was.
Joan Rivers: Let me just say this: Comedy is here to take the humour as far as it can go. There’s no such thing as a line. If you’re going to be off ended, go watch The 700 Club. Have your laughs there. You know, Harry Truman, who I slept with, used to say, “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.” We were on top of the stove when he said it.
A decade since the Leary roast in 2003, with roasting such a known quantity that Ross now hosts his own spin-off show, The Burn, on Comedy Central, where does the Roast go next? Who will step up for the tribute and the abuse? And will an increasingly unshockable and distracted public keep tuning in?
Anthony Jeselnik: I think that [for the next roast] they’re going to try to go back to the old tried-and-true, everybody-as-mean-as-possible thing. Their dream is to have George Clooney bring all his celebrity friends on and come do a roast.
Doug Herzog: We ask Howard Stern every year and he says no. He loves the roasts, but he doesn’t want to do it. Then again, why do it if you’re Howard Stern? Someone else we’d love is Lindsay Lohan.
Jeff Ross: When I started doing these roasts, it was like telling people I speak Latin or I’m into jousting. It was anti quated
and corny. But now roasts are turning into a national pastime. I have 16-year-old kids imitating me! People are roasting each other in their backyards, at bachelor parties, at frat parties. I think these roasts are like the World Series or the Super Bowl: There are good ones and bad ones, but people remember them forever.
BURN NOTICERoastmaster General
Jeff Ross’ greatest zings.
FLAVOR FLAV “Look at you. Starving children send you 50 cents a day.”
CHARLIE SHEEN“Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.”
DAVID HASSELHOFF“Finally, a Jew gets to roast a German! Heil Hasselhoff !”
DONALD TRUMP“Donald and I have a lot in common. We both live in New York. We both play golf. And we both fantasise about his daughter.”
BOB SAGET“In honour of the late, great George Carlin—I do want to leave you all with another seven words you will never hear on television: ‘And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget.’�”
JOAN RIVERS“Kanye’s mom had a better plastic surgeon.”
URN NNOOTIC
D“FG
60 MAY 2013
SirenSiren
THESiren RISES
From the stunning girl-next-door to a
sizzling siren with her much-awaited debut in
�����, the transformation of ������ ������ is complete. Men, here’s
Shruti like you’ve never seen her before!
Photographs ����� ���
Siren
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MAY 2013 65
“Indian men could seriously do with their own idea of sexy!”
ELTON FERNANDEZ sheer gown `9,600,PRETTY SECRETS bra `599,ROHIT GANDHI+RAHUL KHANNA shorts (p. o. r.)
66 MAY 2013
We’re pretty excited to have you here, Shruti. What do you feel about your ����� debut?To be honest, I’ve always had a slight aversion to the idea of being sexy and that’s what ����� is all about. I was quite apprehensive in the beginning but, to give credit where it’s due, you guys have been super amazing. It has been a different but really fun experience.
Glad to hear that! But we don’t think you should be averse to being sexy, especially when you’re certainly one of the sexiest women out there. This shoot validates it! Thank you so much! I’ve done some sexy stuff in movies before, but doing it for a photo-shoot with no lines or emotions involved is not something I am used to. I hope I’ve done a good job, though, and the readers like the pictures.
Going by our reaction (we’re panting right now!), we’re sure our readers will love the shots too. You look great. And you sing, write, act. Quite the multitasker, aren’t you?Kind of, yes! I never had any limitations for myself in terms of what I wanted to do. I want to do as much as I can and want to grab any and every opportunity to express myself creatively. You just have to give 100 percent to everything you do, focus and multitasking will come rather naturally to you!
Being the daughter of famous parents means constantly living up to many expectations. How do you deal with that?I don’t really think about it. Frankly, those expectations are quite unrealistic. My parents had their own careers and journeys and I have my own. I work hard and I hope people take me for who I am. To an extent, they already have! I don’t wake up every day thinking about those expectations unless, of course, when people ask me such questions!
Right, our mouth’s shut now. But we will say this: Are you taking off from Hindi movies? I don’t really plan my career. I just follow my heart and do what interests me. It is all about an interesting character, a good script or a talented filmmaker. Language has never been a deciding factor for me. As for Hindi movies, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me this year!
We can’t wait for you to rock the screens. Speaking of which, does a guy have to be a rockstar to be with you?My man just has to be a good man. As long as he has a good heart and a decent enough sense of humour, I am okay even if he isn’t a rockstar. Everything else can be worked on but you can’t change basic character, after all.
S he walks into a room and turns all heads. It’s as easy as that.
Yet, ������ ������ is not your quintessential movie star.
She’s coy yet bold, sweet yet saucy, simple yet sexy. And while
she may have played hide-and-seek with the movies, there is no
taking away from the fact that Shruti is one of the sexiest girls
in all of filmdom, music and everything else she does. In her first
ever appearance in our pages, she shows you exactly why she’s the
perfect ����� girl. So, put your tongues right back in and brace
yourselves because, well, this ride has just gotten hotter!
LA SENZA corset `3,950,
ROHIT GANDHI+ RAHUL KHANNA
shorts (p. o. r.), LE BIJOU
stockings `800
That’s so true... we have a good heart, by the way. And we crack funny bones on a regular basis. Does that mean we have a first date? And why the hell are we suddenly so nervous?First, let me say this: The whole “first date” pressure is so overrated. I believe first dates should happen naturally, instead of being planned for weeks. And as far as me having a good time is concerned, I’ll use the clichéd bit—good food, good conversation, lots of laughing and a man who smells good. Did I ask for too much?
For you, we will do all that... even if it means heading to the cleaners for an overhaul. While we’re talking about first dates, how far do you think it is okay for a couple to go?It totally depends on the two people on a date. But if you ask me, if I have even the slightest romantic interest in someone, I’ll be a bit conservative!
That’s... not what we were hoping to hear. But it does seem like a good insight. How would you react if a woman made a pass at you?I would be really flattered. I think it is a huge compliment!
What are the things you first notice in a man?I first notice a man’s eyes, because the way he is looking at me says a lot about him. I also notice his fingernails—I strongly believe men should not bite them. And I also notice his overall outlook towards different things. I know it is not something you can instantly notice about someone, but I somehow always seem to remember a man through the way he thinks.
Okay, sunglasses on, then. And we’d better be careful before we gawk at that pitcher of beer. What can Indian men do to outshine the rest? Indian men get caught up with things very easily—they need to learn how to chill out a bit and not get hyper over small things. Also, they should not forget that just because a girl is a tomboy, it does not mean you don’t have to be chivalrous and open the door for her. And, most importantly, Indian men could seriously do with their own idea of “sexy,” instead of aping what men from other parts of the world think.
Our idea of sexy is a girl like you and we’d rather not change that. Would you go up to a guy at a party and start a conversation?Yes, of course. I am terrible at dropping hints, anyway, so I won’t have any other option. Besides, there is nothing hotter than a smart conversation and I am sure even guys prefer a smart, confident woman over some giggling bimbo at a party, isn’t it?
Absolutely. But in the age of one-night stands and casual relationships, do you think it has become more difficult to find a true soulmate?I don’t think so. For me, true and honest relationships are just as much around us as the casual stuff. It is just that people have become less compromising and have shorter attention spans. But for any relationship to survive the test of time, a healthy compromise has to be made.
A sportsman, an actor, a musician or a regular officegoer—who are you most likely to out with and why? Okay, stupid question, but we’re dying to know.Definitely not the regular office-going guy! Why don’t you guys have some interesting options? I’d definitely like a sexy nuclear physicist who looks like Ryan Gosling. But to choose from your options, I’ll go for the musician or the actor. Or, actually, the perfect option would be a really hot writer.
We’ve just realised that we’re on the threshold of something. Except that we’re not hot. And we can’t write, except when it comes to pretty girls. What is the one thing we don’t know about you?I have a lot of pink in my house. I know it does not go with my image but it’s like this pink fungi has spread all over my house. I am a decent cook, too. And yeah, I do not share my food. Never ever!
Interesting! Now if this were your last day on Earth, how do you plan to spend it?I’d like to wake up really late, fly in a jet plane, do a concert attended by all my family and friends, party, hug my loved ones, laugh and cry with them, watch a movie and pack in everything I like doing on that last day!
We’re exhausted with just the list. Our readers would love to know which you consider your best physical asset? Please don’t say your eyes!I don’t think my eyes are my best feature! Actually, I don’t know what my best feature is! I’ve been complimented for different things at different times so I can’t decide. I’ll let your readers decide that!
Keeping the current scenario about safety of women in India in mind, what do you have to say to the men reading this?I’d say that there is a thin line between admiring and ogling, and being forthright and forceful. Learn to respect every woman and not just the one in your house. Treat every woman the way you’d want your mother, wife and sister to be treated!
Hear, hear. Any parting shot for us?May the force be with you.
MAY 2013 67
STYL
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MAK
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ELTO
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Hottest Movie Scene ���’� ���� ��� ����� ���Hottest Woman In India ������ ����Hottest Gesture From A Man ��������Hottest Song “���������� �� ��� ����� �����” �� R��������Hottest Bedroom Line “� ���� ��� ����� ���� ��� ��� ��� ������!”
S H R U T I O N H O T
68 MAY 2013
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bra `599,PRETTY
SECRETS lace bra `399,LE BIJOU
gloves `1,500
70 MAY 2013
MAY 2013 71
1960REAL MADRID 7
EINTRACHT FRANKFURT 3Hampden Park, Glasgow
If you like grainy, b/w, seemingly slo-mo football
reels from yesteryear, you’ll love this. Watch Ferenc
Puskas rattle one home. If Cruyff and Beckenbauer
introduced “Total Football,” a sample of Di Stefano
tangoing across the fi eld is proof. Some 127,000 fans
packed Hampden Park as Di Stefano scored three goals, Puskas got four, while Real
Madrid won their fi fth straight European Cup. The 10-goal
thriller had a fi ve-minute spell that alone saw four goals!
2005LIVERPOOL 3 AC MILAN 3
�LIVERPOOL WIN 3�2 ON PENALTIES�
Atatürk Olympic Stadium, Istanbul
For Liverpool fans who’d only heard of Bob Paisley and
Kenny Dalglish, silverware was as elusive as an Ian Rush miss in front of an open goal.
Then came the “Miracle of Istanbul,” arguably the greatest comeback in CL
history. Down 3-0 at the break, goals from Gerrard, Vladimir
Smicer and Xabi Alonso brought Liverpool level. In the penalties, Jerzy Dudek
(Liverpool goalie) made three crucial saves to seal it.
1999MANCHESTER UNITED 2
BAYERN MUNICH 1Camp Nou, Barcelona
Had it been for the fi rst 90 minutes and 36 seconds of this match, it would have never made it here. What
happened in the two minutes after that is legendary
and left Bayern players in tears. Exactly 36 seconds into stoppage time, David
Beckham bent one from the corner, and Teddy Sheringham equalised. In the 93rd minute,
Beckham curled another corner, Sheringham got the
initial touch before Ole Gunnar Solskjaer poked the ball into
the roof of the net. Game over!
2002REAL MADRID 2
BAYER LEVERKUSEN 1Hampden Park, Glasgow
This fi nal had only one talking point—that goal. Zinedine
Zidane became the player of his generation with a goal that would make Rudolf Nureyev blush, such was its balletic
beauty. Up against the team mocked as “Neverkusen”
with the match level at 1-1, a Roberto Carlos cross from the left fl ank looped harmlessly
into the penalty box, and Zidane used his right foot as pivot and swivelled to
connect a thunderous left that rocketed into the crossbar and
bounced inside the goal.
1979 NOTTINGHAM FOREST 1
MALMO 0Olympiastadion, Munich
The fi nal may have been ordinary but the narrative ran far deeper. Two years before it, Forest were a provincial second division club. But
under super manager Brian Clough, they lined up for the European Cup fi nal. Swedish side Malmo’s run was even more spectacular. Under
young English manager Bob Houghton (who would later
coach India), they built a team from within a 40-km radius of the small Swedish town. The hero was Trevor Francis, who
headed in the winner.
And Wembley hasn’t just seen football, it has also seen football of the American kind... the sporting church has hosted NFL too.
Like Wembley, the UEFA Champions League (CL) fi nal is more than a football match. This is the stage where Alfredo di Stefano, in the angelic meringue whites of Real Madrid, built the mystique of the team, the players and the very tournament itself — the old European Cup, as it was known, was restricted only to the champions of Europe’s leagues and wasn’t the money-driven league of the rich and powerful it has become over the past two decades. This is where dynasties were born. Think Johan Cruyff ’s Ajax. Or the team that
followed them as triple champions, Franz Beckenbauer’s Bayern Munich. Dream teams were assembled for this tournament — the Milan squad of the late 1980s with its infl ux of Dutch fl air or Real Madrid with its Galacticos. The League is also where a host of academy products saw years of hard work bear fruit: Manchester United’s golden generation of Giggs, Scholes, Beckham and the like achieving its fi nest hour at the Camp Nou in 1999, or Barcelona’s generation of La Masia-bred Tiki-Taka masters who’ve won thrice since 2006.
Inevitably, the twain shall meet… again. For the sixth time in its history, Wembley will host the biggest match in club football.
Wembley is more than just a football stadium. It has hosted the Summer Olympics and a FIFA World Cup fi nal. It has been the headline gig for rockstars from the Rolling Stones to Coldplay.
It has seen sporting moments as varied as the butterfl y-to-bee routine of Muhammad Ali and the dog-gone conclusion that is greyhound racing. It has also seen its share of memorable goals: Ferenc Puskas’s left-footed drag-back strike for Hungary’s Magical Magyars in their historic 6-3 thrashing of England in 1953. It has seen its share of controversial goals: Notably Geoff Hurst’s was-it-or-wasn’t-it eff ort in extra time of the 1966 World Cup fi nal against West Germany.
72 MAY 2013
THE BIGGEST
KICKSTHE 10 MOST
AWESOME CL FINALS.
José Santamaria Steven Gerrard Roberto Carlos Teddy Sheringham Trevor Francis
1994AC MILAN 4
BARCELONA 0Olympic Stadium, Athens
This should have been a cruise for Cruyff ’s dream team of
Hristo Stoichkov, Romario de Souza Faria and Pep Guardiola
against a Milan that had lost its Dutch masters—Marco van Basten to injury, Frank Rijkaard to a transfer and
Ruud Gullit to a loan deal. As it turned out, Milan had wizards: Serbian Dejan “The Genius”
Savicevic, who scored a skilful third goal with a delicate lob
over Barcelona goalie Andoni Zubizarreta, and Marcel
Desailly, who’d just come in from Marseille.
1995AJAX 1
AC MILAN 0Ernst Happel Stadium, Vienna
At an average age of 23, Louis van Gaal’s Ajax wasn’t
expected to trouble an experienced Milan side. The De Boer twins—Frank and Ronald, Edwin van der Sar, Clarence Seedorf, Edgar
Davids and Patrick Kluivert weren’t names to reckon with
in 1995. Ajax did have one experienced player in Frank Rijkaard. In his last CL fi nal in 1990, he’d scored the winner for Milan against Benfi ca. This time, he led Milan’s downfall with a through ball in the 85th minute that Kluivert slotted in.
1968 MANCHESTER UNITED 4
BENFICA 1 Wembley Stadium, London
A year after Celtic became the fi rst Brit side to win the continental prize, Man U
became the fi rst English team to win the CL. Coach Matt Busby and forward Bobby Charlton were two of the
survivors of the Munich air crash of 1958, and this helped them ease the pain. Playing
in unfamiliar blue, it was a red letter day for Man U. After a
gruelling 90-minute deadlock, George Best cheekily put Man U ahead two minutes
into extra time, and two more goals sealed it.
1956REAL MADRID 4
STADE DE REIMS 3Parc des Princes, Paris
The inaugural fi nal of the League was as good as any that has taken place since. Real Madrid conceded two early goals, playing at what
was a home venue for French side Stade De Reims. But
the Spanish majors clawed their way back to 2-2, only to fall behind again. However, two sensational goals in the
fi nal 20 minutes helped them become the fi rst champions of Europe, a feat they would repeat each of the next four years, to become among the most feared sides in the CL.
1962BENFICA 5
REAL MADRID 3Olympisch, Amsterdam
Led by Mozambique import Eusebio da Silva Ferreira,
Benfi ca did what many thought impossible—beat Real Madrid in a fi nal. Even
though they were defending champions, having beaten Real’s rivals, FC Barcelona,
Benfi ca were underdogs against the masters of Europe. They soon found themselves 1-3 down, with Ferenc Puskas racking up a fi rst-half hat-trick. However, they levelled before Eusebio marked his fi rst major fi nal with two goals to set off
some hysterical scenes.
MAY 2013 73
Marcel Desailly Paolo Maldini Raymond Kopa Bobby Charlton Ferenc Puskás
all-white Twin Towers to one that oozes modern technology, symbolised in the striking 133-m arch that sits over the north stand. While the transformation may be aesthetically pleasing, it has got the more superstitious English football fans talking hexes. Remember this is a country where one former head coach, Glenn Hoddle, based most of his decisions on the word of a mysterious, gypsy faith-healer.
WHAT THE HEXWembley has witnessed Brit football’s greatest moments. The national team under Sir Alf Ramsey’s watchful guidance won its only major piece of silverware at the 1966 World Cup. Manchester United won their fi rst European Cup here in 1968 against Benfi ca Lisbon with George Best leaving his indelible mark with a goal of characteristic trickery. Liverpool won here in 1978 with Kenny Dalglish scoring against Clube Brugge.
Since the renovation, however, things haven’t been so hunky-dory. In 2011, Manchester United was
EMPIRE STATE OF MINDLocated in North-West London, Wembley Stadium is considered one of football’s holiest temples. A view espoused by none other than football’s greatest player, Edson Arantes do Nascimento (or, as we simply call him, Pele). The Brazilian even chose the stadium over his native Maracanã (the same with the jaw-dropping fi gure of 199,854 fans crammed into the Rio de Janeiro stadium for the 1950 World Cup fi nal) as the sport’s holiest venue. “Wembley is the cathedral of football. It is the capital of football and it is the heart of
beaten in the fi nal against FC Barcelona as the new Wembley hosted European football’s showcase match for the fi rst time. This year, as the stadium again hosts the fi nal, the English will at least be saved the heartbreak of seeing their side lose in the fi nal—all the four English clubs have already bowed out, with not a single club even making it to the quarterfi nal stage.
Just a few miles away in the north of London, Arsenal has been going through a similar hoodoo. Since leaving their spiritual home of Highbury in 2006 for the more expansive Emirates Stadium, the Gunners have failed to collect a single piece of silverware.
One team that will scoff at these suggestions is FC Barcelona. In 1992, Ronald Koeman scored a scorcher of a free-kick to seal the Catalans’ maiden European Cup. They’ve added three more since, including the most recent one in 2011 at this very ground. The way Lionel Messi, Andres Iniesta and Xavi are playing this season, Barca could go thrice. Whatever the result, Wembley will sparkle.
74 MAY 2013
football,” Pele had once said.Ironic, then, that football wasn’t really the prime focus when it was built. Inaugurated in 1923, the main purpose of the stadium was to host the British Empire Exhibition—a colonial showcase of the empire’s vastness back in the days when the sun would never set on it. As much a symbol of the empire as the cups of tea it was built on. The venue was even called the Empire Stadium, and there were plans afoot to demolish the stadium after the exhibition. The offi cial stated purpose of the exhibition was “to stimulate trade, strengthen bonds
that bind Mother Country to her Sister States and Daughters, to bring into closer contact the one with each other, to enable all who owe allegiance to the British fl ag to meet on common ground and learn to know each other.” It’s a good thing football happened!
OLD & NEWThe Wembley of today, of course, looks nothing like the old Wembley. Since a £757 million renovation between 2000 and 2007, the stadium has been transformed from a structure that typifi ed classical architecture with its iconic
Clockwise from left Liverpool celebrate after winning the 2005 CL against AC Milan; Real Madrid win the 2002 CL against Bayer Leverkusen; Finidi George of Ajax takes on the Milan defence during the 1995 fi nal (Ajax won the game 2-0); Man U’s Teddy Sheringham splits Bayern’s backline in 1999.
Right-midfield GEORGE BEST
In terms of football skills, there’s an old saying—Maradona good, Pele better, George best. Indeed. With a ball at his feet the Ulsterman was a wizard who could magically leave defenders in his wake. A notorious party animal, Best also had a wicked
sense of humour. Having not been seen at training before a crucial Manchester United match, a
reporter asked Best if he went missing often. Best replied, “Yeah, I go missing often. Miss Canada,
Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.”
Left-midfieldJOHAN CRUYFF
The greatest Dutch player of all time, Cruyff could do it all... great goal-scoring, the invariable
telling pass and dribbling like a demon. The eponymous Cruyff Turn, a move of simplistic
beauty and deft touch, is only one dedication to his talent. He could also get into seemingly non-
existent spaces, as he did for Barcelona in a strike famous as the “Phantom Goal.”
Right centre-backFRANCO BARESI
The AC Milan legend wasn’t the most physically imposing defender—only 5´9˝, he was nicknamed Piscinin, Milanese for ‘Little One.’ What he lacked
in size, however, he made up for in tactical mastery and dogged determination. At the heart of Milan’s revival in the late 1980s, Baresi made
defending a whole diff erent art form. An excellent tackler and man-to-man marker, Baresi also had a
knack of scoring crucial goals.
Left centre-backPAOLO MALDINI
The most complete defender in history, Maldini could play in any position in the backline. His style was attuned to the needs of the team. In his younger days, he was a constant menace
down the left fl ank and could even play further upfi eld. The son of another Milan legend, Cesare, he adopted a more central position as the years advanced. He retired after 25 glorious years at
the San Siro, and maintained a level of play that belied his age, winning UEFA’s defender of the
year award when he was 39.
SweeperFRANZ BECKENBAUER
Nicknamed Der Kaiser (apt because he ruled the football kingdom for over a decade), the German legend revolutionised the game with
his play as an attacking sweeper that led to his West German and Bayern Munich teams holding an advanced line, one pass away from turning
defence to attack. An astute reader of the game, Beckenbauer could shackle the opposing frontline
or menace defenders with his giant strides.
Defensive midfielderFRANK RIJKAARD
The Dutchman was a natural in front of goal, with tireless lungs and impeccable technique. He made a name for himself at Ajax, a product of the club’s famed youth system. Rijkaard came into his own
during his time at the San Siro, and was one of the reasons why the AC Milan team of the late 1980s is considered one of the greatest of all time. He
struck the winner in the 1990 European Cup fi nal.
Attacking midfielderALFREDO DI STEFANO
The prospect of Beckenbauer and Cruyff playing together is tempting. When you add Alfredo
di Stefano, the man who played Total Football decades before the term was even coined, in the mix you get the stuff Rinus Michels’ dreams are
made of. Real Madrid’s Argentine master was the superstar of the European Cup as he led his side.
Centre-forwardMARCO VAN BASTEN
The Dutchman’s career was cruelly cut short by a degenerative ankle condition that eff ectively forced him to retire at 27, at his peak. In the 10
years of pro football before that, he was scoring super goals, fi rst for Ajax, then Milan. However, his greatest goal came in the orange of Holland,
with a devastating volley from an impossible angle in the Euro 1988 fi nal.
Right-forward LIONEL MESSI
The Barcelona talisman is closing in on the Champions League’s all-time scoring record and
has been getting his goals at a never-before-seen rate. Only 25, Messi has already won the title on three occasions, and on the latter two occasions
was the game-changer. The scary thing is that his best may be yet to come!
Left-forwardGERD MUELLER
Short and stocky, Gerd Mueller looked more like a weightlifter than a footballer, but never has there been a better fi nisher in the game’s history. The proverbial fox in the box, Mueller’s philosophy was simple: “I never notice the goalkeeper, I
only notice the goal.” The footballing world also noticed his goal-scoring ability. In a two-year period alone, he scored a World Cup winner, a
European Championship winner and a European Cup winner.
GoalkeeperSEPP MAIER
The German goalkeeper was as likely to leap—arms aligned relative to the trajectory of the
ball—as he was to dive head fi rst to catch a duck (which he famously did when a duck had strayed into the stadium during Bayern Munich’s match against VfL Bochum). Ever the prankster, Maier
was one of the best short-stoppers in the game’s history and won every trophy on off er.
PLAYERS THAT PUT CHAMPIONS IN THE LEAGUESILVERWARE WOULD RAIN ON THIS “DREAM” TEAM.
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76 MAY 2013
LEVITATORBesides holding all your stuff , this North Face Patrol 24 ABS backpack’s built-in airbags can turn an avalanche into a sledding trip. Putting nitrogen to its best use since Terminator 2, the Patrol 24’s airbags deploy in three seconds and will help raise you to the top of the snow, ensuring that a Gaddi dog can fi nd you and hump your frostbitten leg. `64,100, the northface.com
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?Stay on the cutting edge (get it?) with the Gerber Outrigger knife—a three-inch stainless steel blade. This knife has Assisted Opening 2.0 technology, which has your instrument ready before that little sapling can say, “Oh, shit, he’s got a knife!”`2,700, gerbergear.com
RISING TEMPERATUREDesigned for use in the Himalaya, the Therm-a-Rest Antares sleeping bag is a lightweight bag packed with goose down and weighs less than a kilo. Its sculpted hood will keep your noggin toasty. In the morning, emerge like a beautiful (warm) butterfl y!`19,100, cascadedesigns.com
WATER BABYWaterproof, shockproof and snowproof, the LifeProof Nuud iPad case will protect your precious iPad when you throw it into the aquarium after losing a game to your friends. `5,500, lifeproof.com
WHOLESOME TOOLWith 16 tools in one, the Leatherman OHT is ripe for an “everything but the kitchen sink” joke. Unfortunately, we can’t think of one. The spring-loaded pliers shoot out with a fl ick of the wrist (so get those wrists into shape, fellas!). It’s got everything: An oxygen tank wrench, multiple screwdrivers, two knives, and, most important, a bottle opener. `4,500, leatherman.com
MAY 2013 77
STUFFMULTI�PURPOSEFeaturing the fastest Qualcomm processor ever, a 13 MP camera, three microphones, the LG Optimus G Pro is fi ring up the already-hot smartphones market. The 5.5-in screen has a resolution of 1920x1080 and is fully HD. It is smooth, great for multi-tasking and, our favourite, can be used as a TV remote (with its infra-red connector). Lost your remote? Give it a call. `38,500, lg.com
ESSENTIAL TOOLIf you’re looking to cut tree branches or dice fi rewood, the Worx 20V 2.0 Jaw Saw is your weapon. Cordless, lightweight, and battery-powered, this saw automatically oils itself and can attach to a fi ve-foot extension pole to reach high stuff . Its blade is enclosed inside its jaws, so even klutzy guys are in little danger of severing a limb that’s not on a tree. `8,800, worx.com
SMOOTH OPERATORComing from the house of B&W Zeppelin Air speaker dock, the B&WA5 is a treat. Almost as big as a toaster, this speaker will stand out courtesy of its classy looks. Even if you are playing at half volume, it has boom quality and exceptional clarity. It can also be easily connected to any iOS device. `33,000, bowers-wilkins.com
CAMPING DELITEJust because you’re camping doesn’t mean you have to eat RTE meals every night (your friends will thank you). With the MSR Trail Lite Duo System—a lightweight nonstick cook set, you can charge up the menu. The compact pot can hold two bowls and two mugs, which will leave you more room to pack essentials like whisky, peanuts and weed. `4,000, cascadedesigns.com
HANDS�ONWith a four-way touch scroll strip, you can breeze up and down, left and right, and through applications and documents with a simple fi nger swipe. Yep, the Microsoft Sculpt Touch mouse is great for navigation. It connects via Bluetooth so it is clutter-free. And it’s built like a sleek race car. Maybe it’s time to rename “mouse.” No, not pussy. `2,765, microsoft.com
FILL YOUR INNER EMPTINESS WITH MATERIAL GOODS
78 MAY 2013
The most exciting cars from the present (and the future) that’ll make yourheart pump and your brain melt. If you’re hugging these pages and dreaming,
don’t feel bad. You’re not alone.Text ABHILASHA SIHAG
S E X Y C A R S S P E C I A L
MAY 2013 79
B M W I 8 C O N C E P TThe BMW i8 Concept is great for city driving but scorches the road like any other supercar. Powered by a hybrid electric three-cylinder gas twin-power turbocharger that can develop 220 hp and 300 Nm of torque, it has a top speed of 250 kmph and takes less than fi ve seconds to accelerate from 0-100 kmph. Consuming just 2.7 litres per 100 km makes it the most innovative sportscar too. You also won’t have to worry about getting pulled over or stuck in gridlock, because its console is loaded with alerts about speed limits and traffi c conditions.
A L F A R O M E O 4 CThe 2014 Alfa Romeo 4C is not just a pretty face. Its carbon-fi bre chassis and front and rear aluminium frame structure give it a perfect balance of power and lightness. It is powered by a 1.8-litre mid-engine, generating 240 hp at 6,000 rpm. The 4C takes 4.5 seconds to go from 0–100 kmph and needs only 36 metres to come to a halt. This baby is a rear-wheel drive and comes with Bi-LED headlamps, an aluminium rear diff user and self-ventilating perforated discs with Brembo callipers on the front wheels. Only 1,000 of these cars will be made, initially.
S P Y K E R B 6 V E N A T O RThe Dutch automobile company is making a fresh start with its Spyker B6 Venator. We are awestruck by this two-door mid-engine sportscar that features a detailed bespoke design and an aircraft-inspired cockpit. Powered by a V-6 engine, this road runner produces 375 hp and is paired with a six-speed automatic transmission. The B6 Venator fl aunts the trademark V-shaped grille, new headlights equipped with LED light rails, 19-in Turbofan wheels, and an aerodynamically-shaped aviation glass canopy. And it is street-legal!
W I E S M A N N G T M F 4 � C SWith dynamic curves and lines, the Wiesmann GT MF4-CS is bound to leave you speechless. Inside this sportscar, the makers have gotten rid of the GPS navigation system, air-conditioning and the radio. What? Yeah, we know. But this was done to lower curb weight and make it all about the drive. But they have added an integrated roll cage, racing seats and a fi re extinguisher. The GT MF4-CS is powered by a 4-litre V-8 engine producing 420 hp of power and 400 Nm of torque at 3,900 rpm. It has a top speed of 293 kmph and takes a little over four seconds to go from 0–100 kmph. It will make any road seem like a race track. So, buckle up!
80 MAY 2013
F O R D M U S T A N G The 2014 Ford Mustang’s solid performance and awesome styling make it one of the most exciting cars ever. The 3.7-litre V-6 engine puts out 305 hp at 6,500 rpm and is paired with a six-speed manual gearbox in the base model. This barbarian can be accessorised with chrome wheel locks, 18-in sterling gray metallic painted aluminium wheels, and stylish rear quarter-window louvres and side scoops made out of durable ABS plastic. Adding to its aggressive appeal are the sport rear spoilers and brushed-stainless steel illuminated door sill plates that emit a white LED glow, spelling out the brute’s name.
L A M B O R G H I N I A V E N T A D O R L P 7 0 0 � 4 R O A D S T E RThe 2013 Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 Roadster is nothing like you’ve seen. Flaunting a carbon-fi bre monocoque, this
supercar is powered by a 6.5-litre V-12 engine generating a jaw-dropping 700 horsepower at 8,250 rpm. It accelerates from 0–100 kmph in just three seconds and has a top speed of 350 kmph, leaving you exhilarated and your heart rate a few ticks
behind. Adding to its look are the trademark scissor doors and Dione 20-in/21-in rims, while the interiors are decked with hand-made Sabbia Nefertem leather showcasing the craftsmanship of Sant’ Agata Bolognese.
“I know it’s a supercar, but this is
too much!”
82 MAY 2013
B E N T L E Y M U L S A N N EYou can call the 2014 Bentley Mulsanne your offi ce, or your fi rst-class fl ight cabin. Because it is rolling in cutting-edge technology, from a 60 GB up-to-the-minute infotainment system to a hi-resolution 8-in screen, tables for an iPad or wireless keyboard for the
rear seats, and WiFi. It also features new footrests, cushions and headrests fi lled with duck down. Add to that the insanely-powerful 6,752-cc twin-turbocharged V-8 engine, developing 505 hp at 4,200 rpm and 1020 Nm of torque at 1,750 rpm, and you have the car
that’s worth selling your house for. The Mulsanne takes a little over fi ve seconds to go from 0–100 kmph too.
A S T O N M A R T I N R A P I D E SReplacing the earlier Aston Martin Rapide, the 2014 Rapide S is touted to be the most powerful four-door Aston Martin to date with the 48-valve 6.0-litre V-12 engine generating 558 hp at 6,750 rpm. Taking a little under fi ve seconds to zoom from 0–100 kmph, this sedan has a top speed of 300 kmph. The exterior has been enhanced with a new bonnet and a bitchin’ front bumper construction.
C H E V R O L E T C O R V E T T E S T I N G R A Y C O N V E R T I B L E C 7The 2014 Corvette Stingray Convertible C7 is a sick-looking car powered by an LT1 6.2-litre V-8 engine slated to produce 450 horsepower and 600 Nm of torque. From 0–100 kmph in under four seconds means it is fast, but it can sense and adapt to road and weather conditions. And it comes with roof options—painted carbon-fi bre, visible carbon-fi bre and transparent.
84 MAY 2013
R O L L S � R O Y C E W R A I T HWith the Rolls-Royce Wraith, the makers revive not only a name but also the fastback, marking the return of the gentleman’s car. A 6.6-litre twin turbo V-12 engine that develops 624 hp and 800 Nm of torque makes the Wraith the fastest and technically most-advanced Rolls-Royce ever. It can go from 0–100 kmph in a little over four seconds and has an electronically-governed top speed of 250 kmph. The gearbox relies on GPS to analyse the route and pre-select the gear. The candle panelling inside gives it a daring, yacht-like feel, but the Starlight Headliner (1,340 fi bre optic lamps hand-woven into the roofi ng) are sexy beyond measure. It appears for the fi rst time in a car outside the Phantom family. The Wraith is a polished, eff ortless brute that you can rule the world in.
B U G A T T I V E Y R O N 1 6 . 4 G R A N D S P O R T V I T E S S EBefore you sit in the 2013 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport Vitesse, brace yourself for one hell of a ride. The four larger turbochargers and air coolers have given it immense power. Plus, the 8-litre W16 engine is mated to a seven-speed dual clutch transmission that develops a torque of 1,500 Nm at 3,000 rpm and gives an output of 1,200 hp at 6,400 rpm. It takes a little over two seconds to go from 0–100 kmph and eight seconds to screech to a halt. Oh, the top speed is 410 kmph.
M E R C E D E S � B E N Z C L A 4 5 A M GThe all-new CLA 45 AMG four-door coupé sports frameless doors and marries powerful performance with a dynamic design. This AMG lives up to its name with a peak output of 360 hp and a maximum torque of 450 Nm. Its turbo-charged engine is the most powerful four-cylinder in the world and is paired with the AMG SPEEDSHIFT DCT seven-speed sports transmission. The seats are wrapped in ARTICO man-made leather, so you won’t feel lonely at the top—a speedy, comfortable top.
MAY 2013 85
L A F E R R A R IThe problem with the
La Ferrari is that you don’t know whether to drive it or to
stare at it. This hybrid takes some three seconds to go from 0–100 kmph
and is powered by a 6.3-litre V-12 gasoline engine and electric motors. The hybrid animal
produces 963 hp (combined), and has a top speed of 350 kmph (making it the fastest road car by Ferrari).
Not only is La Ferrari inspired by the marque’s racing history, the carmakers roped in Rory Byrne, the legendary
designer of 11 of Ferrari’s F1-winning cars. Just so you can start planning: Only 499 La Ferraris will be produced.
"Dude, where the hell’s my ride?”
86 MAY 2013
DEEP INSIDE YOUR WHEELSThe real guy’s guide to fi guring out what goes where and how to make sure those gears keep shifting. Hey, you don’t want to be towed to civilisation, do you?Text ������ �������
A re you the kind of person who literally worships your car,
licking it clean every Sunday morning? Or are you the kind who considers a car an appliance to get from point A to point B? If you’re the former, you probably have a fair idea of how that piece of machinery is built. If a car’s a car, you need some help in separating the camshaft from the console. We’re not mechanics, but we almost converted by the time we fi nished this piece.
Knowing what goes on under the skin of your car can get you out of sticky situations. And a little tender loving care can save you a ton of cash in repair costs.
If you’ve ever glanced under the hood, you’d have realised that cars are no longer simple mechanical beings. They have transformed into computers on wheels, with electronic gizmo-trickery controlling virtually every aspect of a car—especially the more expensive ones—leaving you with very little to fi ddle around with. But here’s the dumb-ass’ guide to what’s...
MAY 2013 87
B. TYRE CONDITIONTyres are one of the most critical components of the car. Get your tyres balanced, rotated and wheels aligned every 5,000 km. Check the tyre pressure of your car every week, ideally when cold, keeping it at the manufacturer’s recommendation—usually indicated by a sticker inside the driver’s door or on the door frame. Inspect each of the tyres for any signs of unusual wear, tears or cuts. Pull out any embedded pebbles in the tread. While you’re at it, scrape off the cowdung too. It’s rustically disgusting.
A. BODY CHECKSCheck the bodywork of the car for any fresh dings, dents or scratches. Minor ones can be polished out with a good wax polish and a rubbing compound, if needed. Major scratches that have reached the metal will need touching up to prevent corrosion. Check the bumpers, especially for cars that are driven in crowded cities—small shunts can dislodge the retaining clips and mounts. Get these attended to as soon as possible, or the bill just gets bigger. More importantly, learn to drive.
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88 MAY 2013
C. ENGINE CHECKSThe maximum components are under the hood of your car, and carmakers have hidden away stuff they don’t want you meddling with under engine covers and sealed compartments, which only authorised personnel can access. The rest are easily accessible and simple to check.
1. ������ ��� One of the things you constantly need to keep an eye on is the level of your car’s engine oil, which will tell you a lot about the health of your car. Engine oils come in diff erent varieties and grades—synthetic and mineral oils. Synthetic oils usually have a longer drain interval and are more expensive, while mineral oils don’t last as long but are cheaper. Check your car’s manual for the grade of oil to be used in your car and follow the recommended change interval as prescribed. To check the level of oil in your car, pull out the dipstick (easy, pervert!) when the engine is cold and check it. The oil level should be at the maximum mark or slightly below (engine oil is thicker when cold). And check the colour of the oil—it should not look dirty or smell burnt. Take a couple of drops on your fi nger tip and feel its consistency... it shouldn’t be too sticky and should feel thin and smooth. It is good practice to replace your engine oil once a year even if your car has not run.
2. ������� ��������� One key component that can leave you stranded if you neglect it is the battery. Check its condition regularly, say once in three months. Give the terminals a look-over for signs of corrosion and clean them with warm water and a cloth. Don’t touch this corrosion with your bare hands as it is acidic and can burn you. Check the level of electrolyte and top up with distilled water, if needed (the plates inside the battery should be completely submerged in electrolyte, but take care not to overfi ll). A normal car battery has a life span of at least three years and you can determine if it needs a change by checking the “charging voltage” with a “multi-meter”. Or, in other words, take it to a technician. Just so you know, the standing voltage of a healthy battery is about 12.9 volts, and it shouldn’t exceed
14.1 volts when the car is started. Once the battery is charged and the engine is running, you should see it settle at about 13.6 to 13.9 volts. Still don’t get it? Beg the technician to show you.
3. ������� ����� Most cars use anti-freeze coolant in their radiators, and it’s easy to identify the coolant reservoir. Check the level once a month—with a cold engine, it should be between the minimum and maximum marks in the reservoir. If coolant level is low, top it up with distilled water or premixed coolant. If you have to do this often, then there’s a possibility of a coolant leak. Check all the hoses (those big, thick pipes running around) in the engine for any signs of coolant leakage around the joints, looking for wet patches. If coolant runs out in your car, you could be stranded. For those times, install some gaming apps on your phone.
4. ���������� ���� ����� This is something that runs out pretty fast, especially during the rains or in dusty conditions (welcome to the city, slick!). Check the level of the windscreen wash fl uid weekly and top it up with clean fi ltered water. If you want, you could add a commercially available windscreen wash fl uid concentrate, to get rid of oil and grime. Avoid using household detergent because it can aff ect the washer motor and the car’s paintwork, stripping it of polish. Licking your windscreen clean is also not a good idea. After all, birds crap on it.
5. ������� ��������� Start the car and let it idle. Check the exhaust for any excessive smoke. Black or sooty smoke could indicate rich mixture combustion, which would need professional adjustment. White or bluish smoke could indicate oil burning up and calls for expensive repairs. Get your car’s emission checks done every three months.
D. EQUIPMENT CHECKSOnce you’ve fi nished poking around under the bonnet, here are a few more checks to carry out. The fun continues, you will see.
6. ����� �������� Switch on all the lights of the car and walk around it to see that all
of them are working. Switch the headlamps between high-beam and low-beam (err... it should become brighter!). Make sure you have a set of spare headlamp bulbs in the car at all times, as it’s “illegal” and dangerous to drive with a fused headlamp. Have your girl press the brake pedal—she has enough experience kicking your ass—and check the functioning of the brake lamps (some cars require you to turn on the ignition for this). Switch on the hazard lights and check the function of all the indicators. With the ignition on (but not the engine), engage reverse gear and check the reverse lamps. Get replacements where necessary. No, you sitting on the bonnet with two torches is not a plausible solution.
7. ����� ��������� A simple and inexpensive check is that of the windscreen wipers. Missing this can lead to expensive repairs, as damaged or worn wiper blades can scratch the windscreen. Check the rubber on the wiper blades and replace if there are any signs of fraying. When you use the wipers, if you notice any streaking or unwiped areas on the glass, get the wiper blades replaced. It’s a two-minute job and does not cost much (or just do it yourself—lift the little lever and pull out the blade). Clean the blades with a sponge and soft cloth regularly, and replace the blades every year.
E. SAFETY CHECKSWith road speeds increasing every day, encourage every occupant—including in the rear seat—to belt up. Make sure all the safety-belt buckles fasten and release easily, and the belts are anchored and supple. Check all the door locks to ensure they are not jamming and the condition of the window-winder mechanisms—both for power windows and manual winders.
So, there you have it... just 30 minutes to zero car trouble. Oh, if you spend just 10 minutes a week, you’ll identify problem areas early and cut repair cost. As always, check the position and recline adjustments of your seat before you pretend to be Sebastian Vettel. Because even he gives his car a once-over before he takes off .
SPARE TYREAlways have a spare. Keep it properly infl ated and carry a portable air compressor and a puncture repair kit.
JACK &JACK HANDLEHandy tools, but know the location and functioning of the jack, and the jacking points.
WHEEL SPANNERThe most misplaced tool in a car, you can be stranded without it. Ensure it’s in.
WARNING TRIANGLECarry the triangle because it helps to warn other drivers—and trucks—on the highway.
SPARE HEADLAMP BULBIt’s illegal to drive with a busted headlamp, so carry a couple of spares.
SCREWD’S& SPANNERSThat’s a screwdriver, BTW. A decent set of standard tools to open user-accessible screws is fun.
TOW ROPEA tow rope is not supplied with the car, but get one. It can get you out of trouble, and let you help a fellow motorist.
FIRE EXTINGUISHER & LIFE HAMMEROptional but sensible pieces of kit to keep in your car. Very handy.
KITTEDOUTKeep these things handy before your next urban or off -road jaunt.
MAY 2013 89
SPARE FUSESIdentify the fuse box’s location. There are usually two—one in the engine compartment and one behind
or under the dashboard. Most carmakers supply spare fuses of the correct rating inside the fuse box cover. Bless ’em.
FIRST�AID KITKeep an updated kit—gauze, antiseptic solution, compression bandage, some basic
analgesic pills, a shit-stopper, antacids and cotton swabs. Add to it as needed and replace when a medicine expires.
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We went to the beach and found ASHLEY TISDALE,
star of Scary Movie V, spendinga sexy day in the sun.
The only screams you’ll hearare screams of joy!
Text LAURA LEUPhotographs STEPHAN WÜRTH
MAY 2013 91
n case you haven’t noticed, Ashley has shed her Disney’s High School Musical image in spectacular fashion. She’s the
lead in Scary Movie V, a reboot of the franchise that spoofs recent frightening fi lms, including Black Swan, Paranormal Activity, and the scariest of them all, Madea’s Witness Protection. We had a chat with Ashley about what freaks her out, turns her on, and rotates her chicken. (It’s the Ronco Rotisserie!)
I
High School Musical fans are a… passionate bunch. What’s the craziest thing someone has done?Once I Instagrammed a picture of me waking up, and the next day this older gentleman came to my parents’ house saying he wasn’t going to leave till he saw me. I was like, maybe I shouldn’t have taken a picture of me in bed?
Scary Movie V spoofs a ton of horror fi lms. Did you watch them all?The only way to spoof something is to take it seriously. I had to take ballet for about a month because of the Black Swan performance. Also, I dreaded having to watch scary movies. I am so scared of the Paranormal Activity movies. I didn’t think I was going to be able to sleep.
Did you ever get freaked out during fi lming?Once in my hotel room, I’d gone to sleep, and the light in the bedroom turned on. I thought it was probably the wiring, so I went to bed again. Then I woke up in the middle of the night, and it was back on again. So that freaked me out a little, because I was doing all this Paranormal stuff .
So what was scarier: Having a ghost in your room or being on set with Lindsay Lohan?Defi nitely the ghost. I think Lindsay’s great! There were so many cameos, and that’s what I love about these movies. They’d write a scene, then look for cameos, and they’d just pop in and do it. It was, like, Whoa, Mike Tyson’s here, and that wasn’t even planned!
Charlie Sheen had a cameo, too. Did he ever proposition you?No, no. Charlie is super cool and really atrue professional.
Speaking of celebrities, aren’t you distant cousins with Ron Popeil, the guy who’s famous for that “as-seen-on-TV” stuff ?Yeah, and I have one of his knives and the rotisserie. The family on my mom’s side, their whole business is inventing and pitching stuff . My grandfather is in infomercials. He’s a pitchman, so if you’re ever watching TV late at night, you’ll probably see him pitching knives. My great-grand father also invented the plastic cheese grater.
92 MAY 2013
I’M NOT INTO THE ‘GAME.’ IF I LIKE YOU, I’LL CONFRONT YOU.
CURRENT/ELLIOTT leather jacket, ONDADE MAR bikini bottom, GORJANA heart necklace, BING BANG silver necklace, MELINDA MARIA long gold necklace
Opposite pageVINTAGE tank,ZIMMERMANN black and leopard bikini bottoms, PENELOPE AND COCO boots, JENNIFER FISHER ring and bracelet
Opening pages6 SHORE ROAD swim top, INCA swim bottom, PENELOPE AND COCO boots, MELINDA MARIA long gold spike necklace, BING BANG medium silver necklace
MAY 2013 93
I LIKE GUYS WHO HAVE AN EDGE TO THEM.
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96 MAY 2013
That’s amazing! Your holiday dinners must be super effi cient.We defi nitely have a lot of great kitchen utensils.
What was it like growing up in a family of infomercial royalty?When I was younger, I was really shy. My grandfather was working at a kiosk in the mall when I was 10, and he asked me to come in. To get me to be more talkative to people, he had me pitching. They had the chopper, and my whole pitch was like, “I’m 10, and if I can do it, you can, too!”
Have you thought about inventing a new gadget to keep the legacy going?No, but I’m producing at my company, Blondie Girl Productions, and we pitch shows all the time to networks. So I guess I’m constantly pitching in my own way.
In “Guilty Pleasure” you sing about your weakness for the “treacherous, dangerous, and devious.” So you like bad boys?I do. I just like guys who have an edge to them. But it could go either way. Like, I have been into the surfer blonde frat guys, and then there’s defi nitely a thing where I like the dark, mysterious bad boy.
Does that mean you’re more forgiving of a guy who doesn’t call when he says he will?I’m defi nitely old-school when it comes to dating. I’m not into the “game” so much. If I like you, I’ll confront you and be open about it. Then I expect you to come after me.
MAY 2013 97
YOU’VE SEEN THEM BOUNCE, SHAKE THEIR STUFF & MAKE THE ACTION ON THE PITCH
JUST THAT MUCH MORE FUN.NOW SEE A SIDE OF THEM THAT YOU’VE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD BEFORE. BEYOND THE HYPE, BEYOND THE TABLOIDS AND INTO THEIR TRUE
LIVES—RAW, UNEDITED AND UTTERLY REAL.Text ������ ������
� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � �
OTHER SIDECHEER
98 MAY 2013
When ����� fi rst thought of interviewing cheerleaders from the Indian Premier League, we wanted to stay away from the straight
and narrow... the ����� straight and nar-row of sexy and substantial, that is. We’ve all seen their hot side, the side that is the highlight of many a boundary and many a party. What about who they really are, we thought, but then went a step further: What do these pretty and fl exible girls really think of Indian men? So, the perfect candidate to write a story on those lines had to be someone who knows a bit about
sport, about sexiness and about men. Or Indian men, to be precise. What about a tall, blonde, white Californian who’s lived in India for some two years? Yeah, she seemed well-equipped to tackle the subject. And when you’re a tall, blonde foreigner in India, you can see urban Indian men in a diff erent light, see that über dose of self-confi dence that gives ’em carte blanche to fl aunt it. Sure, Indian men can be even more loud and proud than the Italians but it’s okay... most of the time. And you can be sure a tall, blonde foreigner has heard every jazzy pickup line, seen all our best moves and received far more attention than one
lady deserves. (Those would be her words!)That’s until a tall, blond foreigner sees our reaction to the IPL cheerleaders.
IPL cheerleaders are sexy, no doubt, and bless whoever IPL marketing gurus de-cided that cheerleaders should be a staple ingredient of each franchise. That idea was pure gold—it makes the teams that have traditional cheerleaders worth watching regardless of the players’ performances, match after match. Beyond that, cheerlead-ers defi nitely are good for spectators and sponsors alike. Combined with the talent on the pitch and the pace of T20 cricket, it’s a good show for everyone.
THE
OF
MAY 2013 99
Since its inception, IPL cheerleaders have been hand-picked from South Africa, across Europe and the US. Since “cheerlead-ing” is actually a sport in some of those countries, the requirement for our own do-mestic league can be fi lled easily. In Califor-nia, where this writer is from, cheerleading is defi nitely a sport that continues to grow in popularity. In fact, girls as young as fi ve years—including the writer’s daughter—are part of an offi cial city-run cheerleading and pee-wee football league. They practise hard to be great little cheerleaders, and often compete for titles in front of thousands of spectators. Their cute uniforms and pom-
poms are like veritable professional tools. The point? It is not some half-boiled activ-ity that’s only about glamour. That may be the impression a lot of people have, but nothing could be further from the truth. It takes hard work, dedication and commit-ment. Pretty much like any other “sport.”
“THAT CHEERLEADER IS SWEET!”One can safely assume that the girls who cheer for the IPL bring smiles to their mothers’ faces. A starkly diff erent reaction to that of the hot-blooded spectators. It goes without saying that these girls would have worked damn hard to get where they
are today and their families would be proud. The agency that manages the White Mischief girls certainly knows a bit about that. “All the girls are from professional dancing schools and specialise in gym-nastics,” says Atul Shrivastava, managing director at Augustus Communications, New Delhi. The White Mischief squad goes through an exhaustive selection process and the fi nalists are shortlisted on “the ba-sis of their fi tness and dance skills and are usually recommended by their respective dance school as their most accomplished.”
For a league like the IPL, a huge number of auditions takes place before the fi nal
LIDIIA FOMENKO“IT’S SO INTERESTING
BECAUSE WE FEEL REALLY SPECIAL IN INDIA. BACK HOME WE DON’T
GIVE INTERVIEWS OR DO PHOTO�SHOOTS! WE
FEEL LIKE CELEBRITIES!”
ALINA KURAKINA“WE LOVE FEMALE FANS. THERE WERE SO MANY GIRLS IN THE STANDS DOING OUR ROUTINE. IT’S COOL THAT THEY LIKE US AND WANT TO
DANCE LIKE US.”
YEVGENIA ZYRYANOVA “I’M QUITE A GOOD
HORSEBACK RIDER AND I’VE RIDDEN A CAMEL TOO. I’VE DREAMT OF RIDING AN ELEPHANT,
AND IN INDIA I CAN MAKE THAT DREAM A REALITY!”
cheerleaders are picked. Though cheerlead-ing as a sport is rather misunderstood in India—it’s diffi cult for the ordinary spectator to imagine the hard work—it is as serious as it is fun. Even at the post-event parties, sports clubs and dressing rooms, very few people are aware of the discipline’s fundamentals. In fact, when this writer set out to write about the serious and non-glamour side of the sport, she pretty much had to defend it, and the girls who come to India to perform. Most guys tend to have a shortsighted view on the topic. Sure, cheer-leaders are awesome eye-candy. Come on, who wouldn’t notice that? But rarely is that followed up with a “She must have been training for years” or something remotely similar. What you do hear are rather ridicu-lous notions that these cheerleaders were “strippers” or “escorts” back in their home countries before coming to India or other such nonsense.
While the girls themselves know that thousands fantasise about them—which, given the nature of their work, is inevita-ble—they are labelled harshly, and all those movies and TV shows about teenage cheer-leaders don’t help. Like any truly athletic sport, cheerleading requires a uniform that doesn’t restrict the body and allows the athlete to jump, fl ip, kick and do the splits as needed. Their uniform is just that—a uniform! Like a swimmer’s, a ballet dancer’s, a tennis player’s or a gymnast’s.
In an eff ort to stand up and evangelise the sport a bit, we spoke to a number of cheerleaders who have come down for the
sixth edition of the IPL—as well as some from the last season—to try and under-stand what goes on in their heads, how they view all the people who ogle them and what they take away from their Indian tour-nament experience. The Delhi Daredevils White Mischief cheerleaders, in particular, gave us a vivid glimpse into the real story behind the girls of IPL’s Season Six.
The larger perspective behind the story? We’re men and what lets us call ourselves that is respecting every woman. So, gents, let’s dispel any ridiculous notions we have and see what truly lies beneath an IPL cheerleader’s uniform.
“CHEERS TO MAXIM!”Yevgenia Zyryanova, or “Jane,” is a former contestant of Miss Maxim’s Ukrainian edi-tion and is as sexy as you’d expect a Miss Maxim to be. This beauty started her dance training at the age of four and now, at 25, has a great business head on her shoulders. She splits her time between her new home in Kyiv and her family home in Dnipro-petrovs (Nipro), Ukraine’s fourth largest city with one million inhabitants, where she was born. “Kyiv is exciting,” she says, “and there are many opportunities for me. I take part in TV shows, take up a number of modelling assignments, and a lot more work.”
Back home in Nipro, Jane’s cheerlead-ing roots are planted fi rmly. Although as a young girl she found her start in dance through ice fi gure skating, her talent and interest quickly evolved and Jane now
cheers for the national football team in the Ukraine. Even more interesting is the fact that she and her mother have turned cheerleading into the family business. Her mother is the director and she is the choreographer of a cheerleading squad that performs for ice hockey, football and even American football teams. Jane and her mom even have special programmes similar to the ones popular in the US, and they train both boys and girls to cheer and enter competitions.
Jane’s also got quite the travel bug. She has been to Egypt a few times, the Maldives, the UAE, Italy and many other countries. As you’d expect, Jane is having fun learning Hindi in India, and says that her personal hobby is photography. She says, “I love taking bright pictures here. All the buildings and people are so diff erent, so when I post the pictures, my friends and family back home are so impressed.”
She feels that there’s enough fl avour here to keep any foreigner engrossed for months. And she’s used to catcalls and hoots, which she says are part and parcel of the job. And what is Jane’s biggest hope? “I hope that, next year, the White Mischief teams are full of my girls!” she says.
“TAKE A VETERAN’S SALUTE!”If cheerleaders were opportunistic women who were in it for some quick cash, they wouldn’t return. Take Alina Kurakina, a White Mischief veteran, who’s also from the Ukraine. She beams with joy when someone talks about her native Odessa, the
100 MAY 2013
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Tough work: Cheerleaders are
fanned during breaks. The hot
weather is a bitch.
Ukraine’s third largest city, nestled on the shore of the Black Sea and rich in history. She lives with her parents back home and, at 24, Alina is a disciplined athlete. She was four when she started her training in gym-nastics, training for hours each week. The hectic training rose to six days a week with the Ukrainian junior national gymnastics team from ages 12 to 16.
Currently, Alina is in her last year at the Odessa National Economic University and will soon graduate with a degree in marketing. She’s pretty shy in person and rarely speaks about herself. But she is adored by her teammates who say that she has a lovely personality and gives off very positive vibes to everyone. Jane confesses, “Alina’s so very good at gymnastics that when I’m cheering for Delhi Daredevils, I sometimes get distracted because I’m look-ing to see what she’s doing!”
As the only veteran member of her squad, Alina did an amazing job generating excitement and love for India during the four-week training camp in the Ukraine. She’s famous for her obsessive love for tandoori roti and is happy as a clam to be back in India. When not practising in the stadium, she’s busy with her Kindle—which is packed with books on history, fantasy, and romance. What’s she reading right now? George R.R. Martin!
“PITCH FOR FOOD!”Lidiia Fomenko, a charming 23-year-old, seems to fi t in perfectly, being a veggie. She loves to go for walks in the park and, like
Alina, is also from Odessa where she lives with her parents. Unlike the other cheer-leaders, Lidiia admits that she started her gymnastics training quite “late,” at the age of nine. Her passion is modern dance and she was thrilled to combine the two when she was 17 and got the chance to become a cheerleader, starting with a basketball team and, then, rugby. Lidiia graduated in 2012 with a specialisation in accounting. She admits to not being a fan of a “desk job” but looks to fi nd a fun way to branch out and have fun with her professional career. Music is a real passion and her tastes are wonderfully diverse, ranging from Italian and Russian artistes to techno and pop—Beyoncé and the Pussycat Dolls included.
She’s learned some Indian dance moves from the local choreographer and says the fans respond enthusiastically when she busts out a local move while performing. She really loves it too! And what’s Lidiia’s secret talent? She’s a healer! Her team-mates go to her when they’re ill or have a scrape... she nurses ’em back to health.
“THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OFF!”From a sweaty, hard day in the stadium, their duties continue as they have to travel with the team. It’s an exhausting schedule, but that hasn’t stopped them from running around, playing tourist—from taking rick-shaw rides to photographing kids, an inter-national cheerleader’s days are full. They’ve been to Agra, ventured farther north to the Himalaya—these two being part of their offi cial duty but more play than work. They
want to wear sarees and take up yoga. Lidiia learns yoga back home and says, “I want to try yoga in India because I think what I’m learning in Ukraine is not so good.”
The publicity events are part and parcel of the job, but constantly having to fi ll the glamour shoes is tough. Simple things, like eating, needs them to adjust—the spiciness and the preparation take some getting used to. Jane loves papaya and mango, the “exotic” fruit, which are not as fresh and aff ordable back home. And they love the sweets. All three also spend time in the kitchen, making surprise Ukrainian dishes like borsch for the White Mischief staff team. When asked if the Indians enjoyed it, they smiled and said the team had polished off an entire pot of borsch a few days ago.
But while cheerleading at the IPL has its benefi ts of good pay and an opportunity to travel, it is strenuous work. The few weeks are as hectic as months put together. Though, in many cases, they have been taking dance and gymnastics classes since before they went to school, they have to train extra hard to come and perform for the IPL in synchronised precision.
“LET’S DO THE FINAL FLIP!”It is, of course, natural: First impres-sions are a hard nut to crack. Because IPL cheerleaders wear a tiny uniform and dance in public, a certain perception is attached to them. Sure, franchises could move in the opposite direction and remove cheerleaders altogether, as two teams have already done. Replacing cheerleaders with traditional Indian dancers was a big step forward for those with more conservative views on the IPL, and it may be just as ef-fective. But if we’re following international templates for sports and fi lms, should we restrict the measure to which we employ the tactics of entertainment? Or should we create our own local language for a global sport and then train cheerleaders in that? Some teams have modifi ed outfi ts over the last few seasons to bridge the gap.
Cheerleaders, at the end of the day, may serve the purpose of being eye-candy in a furiously-paced game, but they deserve the respect that is accorded to any performer, on and off the fi eld. All of them, like Jane, Alina and Lidiia, are hardworking, professionally-trained athletes. They are also young girls with golden spirits and curious hearts who have come to a new country with open arms and accepted it for its outlooks and expectations. And, yes, they are hot as hell and can set grandfa-ther’s heart monitor off in a heartbeat. But isn’t that part of why we love them?
MAY 2013 101
Bend it, baby: You need a huge
amount of discipline and constant
training to pull off some moves.
102 MAY 2013
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MAY 2013 113
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24 HOURSSHARMAN JOSHIThe actor talks about his adrenalin-pumping, near-death experience before saying goodbye.
SHOCKThe not-so-glamorous moles that dwell in our world. And the girls who put the “hot” in mole. (Wait, that’s not right!)
THE FUZZExercise your brain with our Beat This Caption contest. If that proves futile, simply read the jokes. Okay, Einstein?
SEXY IN PUBLICThis hottie fulfi ls our dreams by playing the part of a security guard to the T. And that is a gun in her pocket.
AUTOPORNThis mini-truck from Ford is seriously bad-ass.
MAY 2013
GUILTY PLEASURES BUNDLED TOGETHER!
CLOSE TO THE CARRIERA blonde goes into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her 10,000 bucks, she exclaims, “I don’t have any money, but I’ll do anything to get the message to my mother.” So the man says, “Follow me.” He walks into the next room and tells her, “Come in and close the door.” She does as ordered and then he says, “Get on your knees.” She obliges. He then says, “Take down my zipper.” She does. Then he says, “Go ahead, take it out.” With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says, somewhat impatiently, “Well, go ahead!” She then brings her mouth close to it and, while holding it very close to her lips, she says, “Hello, mom?”
BULL FEASTA man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards, he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the speciality of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant and once again orders the speciality of the day, and he is again brought two very big balls on a huge plate. They taste even more scrumptious. For the next two days he does the same thing, but on the fifth day when he goes to the restaurant and orders the speciality of the day, they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks with regret, “What happened today?” The waiter says, “Señor, the bullfighter doesn’t always win!”
“So you think you can dance?”
SMALL TALK
PIT YOUR WITS
We think we’re awfully creative. We think we’re the best. Think you can prove us wrong? Go for it. Send your birdbrained bite [email protected]. The first reader to beat us in the humour stakes gets a one-year subscription to MAXIM, which should do you a world of good. Or, 12 months’ worth, anyway.
“Oh, that’s so soft.”SAMARTH T. Mumbai
APRIL 2013 WINNER
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BEAT THIS CAPTION
ORALLY YOURSA man rushes out of his wife’s hospital room. “Doctor, doctor, my wife’s been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!” “That’s very encouraging,” says the doctor. “Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts.” A few minutes later, the man rushes out again, “Doctor, she moaned!” “Very good,” says the doctor. “Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!” Five minutes later, the man comes out, white as a sheet, and says, “Doc, she died.” “No! What happened?” the doctor exclaims. “Well, doc,” the man says tearfully, “she choked.”
What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!They begin with a “c”?
118 MAY 2013
STASH THE FUZZ
STASH SHOCK
MOLE�HEARTED Suff er from claustrophobia? Need a lot of open space? The world is certainly shrinking around us! Thank your stars
you’re not one of these underground dwellers.
There are zoos and then there are zoology
museums. A collection of moles is preserved in a
jar at the Grant Museum of Zoology in London,
England. Containing 67,000 specimens, the
museum is one of its kind. What started out as a teaching collection in
1828 has turned into an exhibition that displays only 5 percent of all the
specimens it holds. Apart from moles, the museum
is home to a whole ton of weirdness.
PHOT
OGR
APHS
GET
TY IM
AGES
CINDY CRAWFORDPart of the leggy supermodel’s legacy, Cindy’s mole has adorned many covers and added a touch of sexiness to the biggest brands.
EVA MENDESThe sultry Calvin Klein babe, when not fl aunting her awesome body, proudly wears her mole as a mark of her individuality and sensuality.
KATE UPTONThe busty supermodel has a mole to die for. Though we won’t blame you if you haven’t noticed her mole yet!
MOLES WE LOVEThe transformation when it
sits on pretty faces.
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120 MAY 2013
STASH SEXY IN PUBLIC
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GUARD HER WELLIT’S GETTING HOT, SO OUR IMAGINATION IS RUNNING WILD. OUR NEIGHBOURHOOD SECURITY GUARD HAS MORPHED INTO THE SEXIEST GUARDIAN IN THE COUNTRY. MEET SIZZLING LEEZA MANGALDAS, WHO AGREED TO DRESS THE PART AND FULFIL OUR DAY DREAMY FANTASIES. WANT HER SERVICES? JUST ASK POLITELY.
We can guarantee this: There certainly can’t be a security person hotter than you. Would it be easy fi ghting off danger with a body that hot?Having a fi t body certainly helps with the kicks and punches. But honestly, I fi nd that my eyes are the most eff ective ammunition. And I use them to good eff ect.
We believe you. We can already feel the eff ect. What would we have to do to get your protection?It is very simple. Just come and ask me very, very politely. If I’m in a charitable mood, I might just say yes!
And what if a client tries to act naughty?I have some pretty dangerous equipment on me so clients would think twice before acting naughty, lest their security apparatus be used against them. As for me acting naughty, it takes a lot for me to shoot my gun, you see!
Your job would require you to work late nights and with all kinds of men. How would you deal with that? Would be an interesting experience. After all, men will be men. But let’s just say that I would always have full control over who I let in.
Do you mind hiring us as your personal security men?I wouldn’t mind, but only if you’d be better at the game than I am! And that won’t be so easy.
SHARMAN JOSHI
So, how are you gonna leave?I think by one dazzling strike of lightning, reserved only for special people like me.
Cool! What’s that one thing you’d like to do before you head out?It’s gotta be seeing my kids.
Good roles, recognition, actor… life’s been amazing for you?Oh, yeah, truly amazing.
Your last meal would be…?It’s tough to pick out one thing. So I’d say anything in Chinese cuisine.
STASH 24 HOURS
The actor with his own school has some real special plans prepped for the afterlife.
Anybody you’d like to punch out before you head up?All the politicians.
Your last shot at redemption, what would you have done diff erently in your life?Life’s been too perfect, man. So I’d say ‘nothing.’
A deathbed confession…I have a stash full of gold coins in my backyard.
Right. So, go dig?
Now that you’re headed towards the other side, one thing that you’re glad you won’t have to do on Earth again?Being in Mumbai, it has gotta be never facing traffi c again.
Did you experience a moment when you really thought that this is gonna be your last day?Oh, yeah. When I skydived for the fi rst time. I was scared out of my wits.
If you could be resurrected as any other actor, whom would you want to be?I think I am a pretty good actor. So, I’d pick myself.
Who would you like to spy on after you’re gone?No one, I am really content.
Man, we had a thousand names. Heaven or hell? And why?I am sure it’s gonna be hell. ’Cos people in there are gonna be quite exciting, I guess.
What will we see you doing there?Partying out loud!
So which dead celeb would we catch you partying with?Marilyn Monroe.
MAY 2013 121
The Ford Atlas Concept is bound to make you say, “What the hell?” or arouse similarly powerful sentiments. But don’t blame yourself for any profanity.
DIRT DEMON
122 MAY 2013
MAY 2013 123
STASH AUTOPORN
Ford has powered-up this brutish mini-truck with a next-generation Ecoboost engine, improving the fuel economy by 20 percent. The active grille shutters open up when the engine requires extra cooling and automatically close to improve aerodynamics when
you’re cruising on the highway. The truck features an auto-start button, which automatically shuts down the engine when not moving in traffic or standing at signals. It
also comes with a 360-degree-view camera, cargo boxes with LED lighting, and LED headlamps and taillamps rather than conventional halogen or HID lights. This monster also has 110-volt electrical outlets, letting you charge whatever you want to. Sure, we’d
like to see a hybrid engine too, but that’s probably on its way.
STYLE STOCKLIST
STYLE BUYING GUIDE
stockists atGet the complete list of
RAY-BAN at DAYAL OPTICALS Shop No. 184, DLF Promenade Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-46179900.REEBOK Store No. F56, Select CityWalk Mall, Saket, New Delhi-17, Ph: 011-4265 8385.ROAR AND GROWL BY RAJVI MOHAN CUGF 6, Jumbo House, Okhla Phase-3, New Delhi-20, Ph: 011-42851500.ROHIT GANDHI + RAHUL KHANNA D-19, Defence Colony, New Delhi-24, Ph: 011-46632636.
SHIVAN & NARRESH 12, Second Floor, Hauz Khas Village, New Delhi-16, Ph: 011-26536072.STEVE MADDEN Shop No. 143-144, DLF Promenade Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-45060915.SUNIL MEHRA M-66, Greater Kailash 1, New Delhi-48, Ph: 011-41634788.SURENDRI BY YOGESH CHAUDHARY at OGAANH-2, Hauz Khas Village, New Delhi-16,Ph: 011 26967595.
TED BAKER at THE COLLECTIVE Shop No. 28, Upper Ground & Level 1, Ambience Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-40878888.THE BODY SHOP 7, Ground Floor, Cosmos Mall, Brookfield, Kundanhalli Road, Bengaluru-37, Ph: 080-41604385.TOMMY HILFIGER Store No. 21-22, GVK One Mall, Banjara Hills, Hyderabad-34, Ph: 040-44767828. TRUE RELIGION at THE COLLECTIVE Shop No. 28, Upper Ground & Level 1, Ambience Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-40878888.
VAN LAACK Store No. 225, DLF Emporio Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-64617222.VANS E-43, South Extension Part 2, New Delhi-49. VOGUE at DAYAL OPTICALS Shop No. 184, DLF Promenade Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-46179900.
YSL at SUNGLASSES FOREVER G-42, Green Park Main, New Delhi-16, Ph: 011-26535022.
ZARA DLF Promenade Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70.
ABRAHAM & THAKORE at EVOLV Shop No. 209, First Floor, DLF Promenade Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-41076666.AMIT AGARWAL at ENSEMBLE Great Western Building, 130/132, Shahid Bhagat Singh Road, Opposite Lion Gate, Mumbai-23, Ph: 022-22843227.ARMANI JEANS Ground Floor, DLF Promenade Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70.
BOSS ORANGE at GKB OPTICAL 324 M.G. Road, Pune-01, Ph: 020-2613 9308.
CANALI Shop No. 223, DLF Emporio Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-46040731.CARRERA at GKB OPTICAL 324 M.G. Road, Pune-01, Ph: 020-2613 9308.CELIO F-5, First Floor, The Palladium Mall, Lower Parel, Mumbai-13, Ph: 022-40802301.
124 MAY 2013
DIESEL Western Wind Building, Juhu Tara Road, Santacruz West, Mumbai-54, Ph: 022-26618282. DIESEL BLACK GOLD Shop No. 232, First Floor, DLF Emporio Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-40523915.
ENAMOR at www.zivame.com ENSEMBLE Shop No. 433, DLF Emporio Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-46040745.
GAS 135 Ground Floor, DLF Place Mall, Saket, New Delhi-17, Ph: 011-40512669. GAURAV GUPTA at EVOLV Shop No. 209, First Floor, DLF Promenade Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-41076666.
HUGO BOSS at THE COLLECTIVE The Palladium Mall, Lower Parel, Mumbai-13.
LEVI’S 1, New Market, Lindsay Street, Kolkata-87, Ph: 033-22490821.
MANGO Ground Floor, Corinthian Building, Linking Road, Khar West, Mumbai-52, Ph: 022-67100451.MARC JACOBS at SUNGLASSES FOREVER G-42, Green Park Main, New Delhi-16, Ph: 011-26535022.MARKS & SPENCER G-43, G-44, Inorbit Mall, Cyberabad, Hyderabad-81, Ph: 040-40044050.
NAUTICA E-23, South Ex. Part 2, New Delhi-49.
PAUL & JOE at THE COLLECTIVE Shop No. 28, Upper Ground & Level 1, Ambience Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-40878888.PAUL & SHARK Shop No. 204 B, First Floor, DLF Emporio Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-40634751.PAUL SMITH Shop No. 212, DLF Emporio Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-46040734.PEPE JEANS Style World, Shop No. 19, Oberon Mall, Edappally, Kochi, Ph: 0484-4066726.POLICE at DAYAL OPTICALS Shop No. 184, DLF Promenade Mall, Nelson Mandela Road, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-46179900.PORSCHE DESIGN Shop No. 201 A, First Floor, DLF Emporio Mall, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi-70, Ph: 011-41042316.PROLINE at LIFESTYLE Inorbit Mall, Viman Nagar, Pune-Nagar Road, Pune-06.PUMA Store No. 99, Alwarpeth, TTK Road, Chennai-78, Ph: 044-455345011.PUNK F-33, Select CityWalk Mall, Saket, New Delhi-17, Ph: 011-42658166.
QUIKSILVER Store No. 6, High Street Phoenix Mall, Senapati Bapat Marg, Lower Parel, Mumbai-13, Ph: 022-66345011. PH
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HOT NEWS
DIVE INTO A NEW DEPTHRenowned for producing specialist diving watches, Oris now introduces the new Oris Aquis Depth Gauge. At the forefront of mechanical watch innovation, Oris has produced the fi rst divers’ watch which measures depth by allowing water to enter the timepiece. The special sapphire crystal, 50% thicker than an average top glass, features a channel milled into the side which runs anticlockwise round the dial, stopping between one and two o’clock. At 12 o’clock, an inlet leads to this channel. Expertly crafted, the joint between the crystal and the case is sealed by a rubber gasket. On descent, the air inside the channel is compressed by the surrounding water pressure, allowing water to enter through the inlet at 12 o’clock. The edge, in light grey and dark grey, differentiates between water and compressed air on the scale around the outside of the dial, indicating depth while descending or ascending. The indicator benefi ts from no inertia, not delaying the accurate and actual depth indication—particularly useful in decompression breaks in lesser depths. The stainless steel case showcases an instrument look design, featuring a unidirectional revolving top ring, with black ceramic inlay. Water-resistant to 500m, the Oris Aquis Depth Gauge marks a technical breakthrough in depth measurement, setting a new standard in diving watches.
THE FLAVOURS OF ROYALTYSeven Islands Vintage Single Malt Scotch Whisky is mystical in origin and eclectic in spirit. It has been passionately created and carefully crafted for the connoisseur in each one of us. This premium whisky has a rich golden colour with notes of butterscotch, honey and vanilla, mingled with a delicate hint of spices and a faint trace of apples and pears. It is a unique spirit that brings together Indian design and culture and the Scottish art of making whisky, as is evident from its taste and beautiful packaging. The brand sponsored the British Polo Day tour of India and Jodhpur that saw the best of Indian and British polo players come together. The tournament, that started four years ago, reached India with an aim to connect the sport to its roots. The guests at the event were treated to an exhibition polo match followed by a cultural evening at the Mehrangarh Fort. The guest list was an exclusive one and saw the who’s who of British celebrities and Indian royalty come together to cap off the polo action.
HOT NEWS
ALL HAIL 40!They say time fl ies when you’re having fun. That’s certainly the case with Pepe Jeans London as they gear up to celebrate their 40th birthday next year. They’ve come a long way since 1973. Starting life on the streets of London’s Notting Hill, detail-rich denims with an unswerving attention to fi t and fabrication helped set Pepe Jeans London apart from the swathe of bland and anonymous jeans brands of the time. Visionary and market redefi ning collections have come to defi ne Pepe Jeans London, from Kinetic Denim and TrueSize through to their Tru-Blu® collection. As a mantra this commitment to denim-led innovation continues to inform their design spirit and after 40 years still defi nes Pepe Jeans London as the hottest young fashion brand on the planet. By the 1980s, Pepe Jeans London was squaring up confi dently to the international market and in 1984 they raised their fl ag on US soil. Encouraged by their immediate Stateside success they hired the most celebrated fashion photographer of the decade, Bruce Weber, to shoot what was their biggest ad campaign at that time. Cinema and TV campaigns followed. From performance artist Leigh Bowery’s extravagant turn in front of the camera to Raindance, each campaign has left an indelible mark in the annals of fashion advertising. Today, Pepe Jeans London trades in over 70 countries, sells through over 7,500 doors at wholesale, has over 250 stores internationally, and yet remains devoted to their initial mantra to create directional denims and trend-led young fashion. In line with their passion for creative media Pepe Jeans London will be revealing an exciting new mixed media campaign to celebrate their birthday, shot by Josh Olins. They will also be getting the party started with a series of international events to help make this the biggest celebration ever on the fashion calendar.
THE DECIDERWhich vehicle do you deserve to be seen in? (Before you attempt this, learn to drive!)
128 MAY 2013
What speed do you usually drive at?
Do you let others overtake?
Careful. I follow rules, speed limits and leave the city once in a while.
YOU NEED AN SUV.You need a brute of a car because that’s
not who you are. With great power comes great responsibility, remember?
YOU NEED A CAR.You deserve bigger and beautiful things. Call Papa and start building a case for a
four-wheeler.
YOU NEED A BULLOCK CART.How do we say this politely?
You’re an asshole who was never meantto be let out of your house.
40–50 kmph
70–90 kmph
100 kmph and above
Every time. I understand someone can be in a hurry.
Vigilant. But I push it once in a while. I own the road. There are no rules for me. Do you know who I am?
Not always. Only if I am in the mood.
Why should I? If anyone wants to overtake me, they should know how.
Do you suffer from road rage?Clue: Do you swear as you drive?
I don’t abuse because I’m usually on the other side. People swear at me. Yes! I’m Mr. Popular.
NEVER
YES
YES NO
SOMETIMES
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A CB
ge?ve?
YOU NEED A CAR
If anyone wants to
R
e other ser side. GROWA
PAIR!
YOU’RE NICE! GET
US OUR BEER!
What sort of driver would you say you are?
Only when someone honks relentlessly.
