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13 Things Mentally StrongPeople Don’t Do

Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face YourFears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

Amy Morin

Copyright © 2014 by Amy Morin. Published by arrangement with WilliamMorrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers

getAbstract © 2015

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Take-Aways

Practicing 13 “mental strength” habits can help you handle setbacks,misfortunes and losses. The habits are:Refrain from self-pity and reach for gratitude. Control your life instead ofletting others do it for you; “retain your power.”Welcome change, but never dwell on matters that you can’t affect.Since you can’t change long-ago events, refuse to let them bedevil you.Maintain a “bi-locus of control”; don’t be a victim of “fate, luck ordestiny.”Realize that you can’t satisfy everybody.Take reasonable risks that you’ve thought through. Learn the lessons fromyour mistakes and keep going after you fail.Be happy for others who appear to be doing well. Avoid feeling bitter.Feeling entitled to success will just make you unhappy, so avoid it. Don’texpect immediate satisfaction. Be patient.Treasure opportunities to be by yourself.

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Review

Everyone suffers bad experiences – career disappointments, losses andmisfortunes. If you wonder why some people weather setbacks and challengesbetter than others, psychotherapist Amy Morin has an answer: They practicestrategies that help keep them mentally strong. Her explanations of 13behaviors to avoid and good habits to develop in their place – and the storiesshe tells with each entry – will spur you to think about how you handlewhatever comes your way. recommends Morin’s straightforward,getAbstractrelevant counsel to those seeking greater psychological strength in theirpersonal and professional lives. She will help you skip the pity party, seefailures as opportunities, not defeats, and find more peace of mind.

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Summary

Are You “Mentally Strong”?

“Mental strength” is the capacity to control your feelings, discipline yourthinking and take a hopeful attitude, even in the face of adversity. Everyonehas some level of mental strength, and you can train yourself to enhance yours.Genetics, your character and the experiences you go through can affect theintensity of your mental strength. Although you’re born with your DNA, youhave the power to alter or influence your character and your reaction todifficult experiences by working on three factors:

Your thoughts – Strive to substitute sensible ideas for illogical ones.Your behaviors – Actively solve problems, face your fears and behaveproductively.Your emotions – You’re in charge of your feelings – not the other wayaround.

Mental strength doesn’t require you to act tough, think only positive thoughtsor reject assistance from others. You don’t need to suppress your emotions.Mental strength calls for “thinking realistically and rationally.” For decades,psychotherapists have urged their patients to pursue mental strength. It can helpyou cope with life’s strains and challenges, give you self-assurance, and enableyou to “reach your full potential.” Mentally strong people avoid 13 specificbehaviors:

1. “They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves”

Are you prone to feeling too much sympathy for yourself? Do you feel that noone else faces the same kind of trouble? Do you sense that you’re facingconstant injustice? Some people use self-pity as a tactic to “gain attention” or“avoid responsibility.” That’s a harmful habit. Self-pity can spur constantpessimism, lead to ignoring your blessings and “become a self-fulfillingprophecy.” Mentally strong people leave the “pity party” behind and choose tofeel and act positively. Even taking seemingly unrelated steps can help redirectyour emotions. Assist a charity, volunteer in your neighborhood or pursue anew interest that will distract you. Other strategies include: 1) Write about theaspects of your life that you appreciate; 2) purposely “shift your focus” topositive thoughts; and 3) teach yourself and others, like your kids, gratitude.You’ll feel better, physically and emotionally.

2. “They Don’t Give Away Their Power”

As a mentally strong person, “retain your power.” Allowing other individuals

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to have power over your thoughts, feelings and behavior drains your mentalstrength. Giving away your power has a negative impact. If you let othersdetermine how you feel or act, and avoid dealing with your own issues, you’llmake yourself susceptible to disparagement. Don’t be a passive victim whenyou can take the reins and be the actor in your own life. These tactics will helpyou:

Recognize when you start to hold other people and circumstancesresponsible for your thoughts and feelings. Take accountability.“Reframe” your expressions. “My boss makes me so mad” is not accurate.No one is forcing your actions or emotions.React to trouble in a measured manner instead of flying off the handle.Take criticism in stride, and analyze it logically.Understand that life doesn’t compel you to do things you’re actuallychoosing to do.

3. “They Don’t Shy Away from Change”

Do you fear change? Do you procrastinate or “make excuses” because you fretthat altering some situation will make it worse? Whatever shift you’reconsidering – starting a family, curbing an unhelpful habit or attempting“something new” – change can be intimidating. Change unfolds in five stages:1) During “precontemplation,” you’re unaware that change would benefit you;2) During “contemplation,” you weigh the pluses and minuses of change; 3)During “preparation,” you identify your road map to change; 4) During the“action” phase, you take steps to bring about a change, like renting a newplace; and 5) During “maintenance,” you do what the situation requires if youhit barriers.

Many people stay with the status quo rather than risk feeling uncomfortable ornervous. Avoiding change can leave you unchallenged, left behind and miredin a static existence. Embrace change by creating a plan for pursuing a specificalternative. Select a short-term goal, identify what you need to do differently tomeet it, try to foresee potential barriers, and ask others to observe yourimprovement and hold you responsible for succeeding.

4. “They Don’t Focus on Things They Can’t Control”

Mentally strong people understand that some situations and events are outsidetheir power to influence. How you handle such issues depends on your “locusof control” – whether it’s “external” and you feel like the victim of “fate, luckor destiny” – or “internal” and you feel like you’re in charge. How your parentsraised you and what you’ve encountered in life shapes your locus of control.While an internal locus may be healthier, it isn’t the only answer. Attemptingto manage all the shifting circumstances in your life can lead to isolation,

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anxiety and a loss of self-regard, as well as consume your “time and energy.”Try to recognize what you have power over and what you don’t. Strategies toaccomplish this include: 1) Asking, “What am I so afraid of?” to identify whatscares you; 2) Listening to others instead of dictating to them; and 3)Accepting your circumstances without necessarily approving of them.

5. “They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone”

Do you hasten to assuage other people’s feelings? Do you worry about howothers view you? You may be a “pleaser,” a behavior people learn inchildhood. You can carve a healthier path if you learn to “live according to[your] values” without worrying about upsetting others. “People pleasing” canbe detrimental for several reasons. Your perception of others’ wants and needsmight be inaccurate. Trying to please contributes to inauthentic relationshipsand can lead you to live your life in artificial, unsatisfying ways, puttingothers’ priorities ahead of your own. Instead:

Ask yourself what you want before automatically reacting to others’demands.Determine your life “values,” such as family or your job, and prioritizepursuing them.Don’t commit to doing something the minute someone asks. Think beforeyou answer.Rehearse “assertiveness” so you can handle conflicts in a healthy manner.

6. “They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks”

People sidestep risk because they are afraid. They often mistakenly assume thattheir fears accurately predict the amount of risk a situation entails. To makeprogress, separate your feelings from decisions about risk taking. To assess riskmore accurately, be sure that you’re considering “facts” and not indulging youremotions. Understand “the difference between skill and chance” and recognizethat you can’t rely on other people to distinguish risky situations from safeones. Calculate an action’s “potential benefits,” its “costs,” and the results andramifications if you do it or don’t do it. When you take a risk, you must reflecton its impact on your life.

7. “They Don’t Dwell on the Past”

Mentally strong people don’t obsess over events in the past. They knowfocusing on the past can keep them from making progress in the present. If olderrors or memories haunt you, “shift your thinking” about them by using thefollowing tactics: Try carving out a specific time to think about them. Distract

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yourself with a different topic, such as what goals you’d like to accomplishgoing forward. Create a new way to “weave the story” about an incident youregret. And finally, “make peace with the past” by doing the following:

Realizing that it’s okay to let it go and seek the future instead.Understanding the cost of your obsession with the past.Forgiving yourself or someone who injured you.Engaging in desirable activities even if they bring up bad memories.Going to a therapist to help you gain some perspective.

8. “They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over”

Mentally strong people strive to learn from their errors and not make themagain. Being a “repeat offender” can keep you from accomplishing your goals,allow problems to fester and harm your relationships. To avoid repeating amistake, scrutinize it closely. Ask yourself, “What went wrong?” “What couldI have done better?” “What can I do differently next time?” Then, map out a“plan” to avoid the error again. Decide what actions will replace and improveupon your earlier behavior. Watch for red flags that indicate you’re going in anunhelpful direction. Other strategies include complimenting yourself on yourprogress, staying focused on your objectives, enforcing limits on yourself andmaking “a list of all the reasons you don’t want to repeat your mistake.” Seeyour errors as positive chances to learn and grow.

9. “They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success”

Everyone occasionally feels envious, but long-lasting resentment iscounterproductive, and dwelling on others’ successes distracts you frompursuing your own goals. Avoid resentment and negativity about others byaltering your mind-set: Refrain from comparing yourself to anyone, noticewhen you start typecasting people, and remember that successful individualsare also flawed and have problems. Being happy for other people frees you tofocus on your own life.

10. “They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure”

Mentally strong people refuse to quit at the first obstacle and they keepworking toward their own goals. Perseverance can be daunting, because onefailure can make you afraid of ever trying something new. Throwing in thetowel can, like other unhealthy habits, “become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Toavoid this to happen, adjust your assumptions about failing. Give yourselfroom to make mistakes and realize that “failure is often part of the journey tosuccess.” Famous leaders like Walt Disney always focused immediately ontheir next steps after they stumbled; they didn’t give up and didn’t let bumps inthe road deter them from their goals.

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11. “They Don’t Fear Time Alone”

Savor your solitude; cherish opportunities to spend time just with yourself,even if society today seems to frown on it. “Alone time” is mentally healthy forchildren and adults. It can help you become more productive, encourage yourimagination and refresh you. Consider these strategies:

Make a regular appointment to “be alone with your thoughts.”Examine your emotions and think about your goals and wishes.Write journal or diary entries.Find “mindfulness” through meditation: Sit comfortably, concentrate onyour breathing and don’t let your mind wander.“Really get to know yourself.” Discovering yourself is not “selfish or awaste of time.”

12. “They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything”

People who struggle to be mentally strong often have a sense of entitlementand may think the world owes them success. Social media, with all itsself-promotion, intensifies this effect. However, feeling entitled can result inresentment and a sense of victimhood when life doesn’t unfold as you think itshould. Remember that you can’t control the unfairness of life, and you are notbetter or “more deserving” than anyone else. Concentrate on what you’re tryingto accomplish – not how special you are – and take other people’s criticism in amature, humble way.

13. “They Don’t Expect Immediate Results”

Today’s society fuels instant gratification. People take pills as quick fixes tomake maladies go away instantly, but that’s not how life works. Harboringoutsized expectations can keep you from envisioning the future in a realisticway. Instead, recognize how challenging change or success can be. Don’t setself-imposed deadlines or assume that if you achieve one objective, your lifewill miraculously shift for the better. Work toward your goals, be patient andhonor the incremental progress you achieve along the way.

Avoiding these 13 common pitfalls can skyrocket your ability to build mentalstrength. Remain vigilant about your actions, thoughts and feelings. If yousense that things are going awry, don’t be fearful of seeking therapy from aprofessional.

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About the Author

Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker and a psychotherapist. Shecontributes regularly to and .Forbes Psychology Today

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Quotes

“Mental strength requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily lifeto focus on growth.”

“Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate youremotions, manage your thoughts and behave in a positive manner, despite yourcircumstances.”

“Success won’t find you. You have to pursue it.”

“Resolve to stop giving people your time and energy if you don’t want them toplay a big role in your life.”

“Even changing one small habit, like deciding you’ll floss your teeth every dayor giving up your bedtime snack, requires a certain level of commitment.”

“A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear. Andfearing risk often leads to avoidance.”

“A feeling that the world owes you something isn’t always about a sense ofsuperiority. Sometimes it is about a sense of injustice.”

“When we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain anytrue understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible torepeating them in the future.”

“Fleeting and occasional jealousy is normal. But resentment is unhealthy.”

“Although we live in a fast-paced world, we can’t get everything we wantinstantly.”

“It’s not just sad or tragic events that leave people focused on the past.Sometimes we dwell on the past as a way to distract ourselves from thepresent.”

“If you spend all your time looking in the rearview mirror, you can’t look outthe windshield.”

“Positive change leads to increased motivation, and increased motivation leadsto more positive change.”